Iri bhuku pamusoro peungochani-kuzvirapa pachako kubva pamakumi matatu emakore ekurapa kwechiitiko chemunyori akashanda nevatengi vanopfuura ngochani vatengesi.

Ini ndinoisa bhuku iri kuvakadzi nevarume vanoshungurudzwa neungochani, asi havadi kurarama senge ngochani uye vanoda rubatsiro runovaka uye rutsigiro.

Avo vakanganikwa, vane izwi rakakwenenzverwa, uye vasingakwanisi kuwana mhinduro munharaunda yedu, iyo inoziva kodzero yekuzvisimbisa yega ngochani dzakazaruka.

Vaya vanosarurwa kana vachifunga kana kufunga kuti pfungwa yehunhu hwechingochani uye isingachinjiki manyepo anosiririsa, uye izvi hazvisi zvavo.

Nhanganyaya

Iri bhuku igwara rerapi, kana pachinzvimbo, kuzvirapa kweungochani. Izvo zvakagadzirirwa vanhu vanoita zveungochani avo vangade kuchinja yavo "mamiriro", asi vasina mukana wekubata nyanzvi iyo inonzwisisa mubvunzo nemazvo. Chokwadi, hapana vazhinji vakadaro nyanzvi. Chikonzero chikuru cheichi ndechekuti mumayunivhesiti uyu musoro wapfuura kana kuregeredzwa zvachose, uye kana zvataurwa, saka zviri mukati mehurongwa hwepfungwa dze "zvakajairika": ungochani mune ino ingori imwe nzira yekuita bonde. Naizvozvo, kune varapi vashoma, varapi vepfungwa uye varapi munyika vane ruzivo rwekutanga munzvimbo ino.

Basa rekuzvimirira rinotungamira mune chero chimiro chekurapwa kweungochani; zvisinei, izvi hazvireve kuti munhu anogona kuita zvakakwana pasina rubatsiro rwekunze. Chero ani munhu anoda kukunda matambudziko avo epamoyo anoda anonzwisisa uye anomutsigira mupi wezano wavanogona kutaura naye pachena, anogona kuvabatsira kuona zvakakosha zvehupenyu hwavo hwepamoyo uye zvinokurudzira, uye kuvatungamira mukurwa kwavo pachavo. Murairidzi akadaro haafanire kunge ari murapi wehunyanzvi, kunyangwe zvichisarudzika kuti izvi (chero achinge aine maonero akanaka nezvebonde nehunhu, zvikasadaro anogona kukuvadza kupfuura kunaka). Mune zvimwe zviitiko, iri basa rinogona kutambwa nachiremba kana mufudzi ane hutano hwakanaka, hutano uye kugona kunzwira tsitsi. Mukushaikwa kweizvozvo, inoteerera uye ine hutano hwepfungwa shamwari kana hama inokurudzirwa seye chipangamazano.

Mukubatana nezvataurwa pamusoro apa, bhuku rakagadzirirwa, pakati pezvimwe zvinhu, kune varapi uye vese avo vanobata ngochani vanoda kuchinja - nekuti kuti vave chipangamazano, vanodawo ruzivo rwepamberi rweungochani.

Maonero ekunzwisisa uye (pachezvake) kurapa kweungochani hwakapihwa muverengi mune iri basa kwakave kwakapfuura makore makumi matatu ekutsvaga nekurapa kwevatengi vanopfuura mazana matatu, vandakanga ndichijaira kwemakore mazhinji, uye kujairana nevamwe vanhu vanoita zveungochani. vanhu (zvese "zvekurapa" uye "zvisiri zvekurwara", kureva, zvine hushamwari). Nezve kuyedzwa kwepfungwa, hukama hwemhuri, hukama hwevabereki uye kushandurwa kwemagariro muudiki, ini ndinokurudzira kutarisa kumabhuku angu maviri apfuura, Iyo Yakatanga uye Kurapa kweungochani, 1986, (yakanyorerwa varapi), kudzamisa kunzwisisa mune izvi zvinhu. Ungochani uye Tariro, 1985

Kufara, kana kusuwa shanduko

Iko kusipo kwekutsunga kwakasimba, kuda, kana "kuda", hapana shanduko inogoneka. Muzhinji, pamberi pechinangwa chakadai, mamiriro ezvinhu anovandudzika zvakanyanya, mune dzimwe nguva, shanduko dzemukati medzidziso dzese dzinoitika dzinoenda, dzakaperekedzwa neshanduko yekuda zvepabonde.

Asi ndiani anazvo, chishuwo chakanaka kuchinja here? Vazhinji ngochani, kusanganisira avo vanozvizivisa pachena kuti "ngochani," vachiri nechishuwo chekuita zvakajairika - zvinongova izvo kazhinji zvinotsikirirwa. Nekudaro, vashoma kwazvo vanonyatsotsvaga shanduko nekuenderana uye nekutsungirira, uye kwete kungoita zvinoenderana nemanzwiro avo. Kunyangwe avo vakatsunga kurwisa ungochani hwavo vanowanzo kuve nekugutsikana pakavanda kumashure kwekunyengedza zvido zveungochani. Naizvozvo, kune vazhinji, chishuwo chakanaka chinoramba chisina simba; pamusoro pezvo, zvinokanganiswa zvakanyanya nekufonera veruzhinji kuti "bvuma ungochani hwako."

Kuti urambe wakatsunga, zvinodikanwa kukudziridza mukati mako zvinokurudzira zvakadai se:

• maonero akajeka eungochani sechimwe chinhu chisiri chechisikigo;

• zvinonzwika mutsika uye / kana zvinodavirwa zvechitendero;

• pakuroora - chishuwo chekuvandudza hukama huripo muwanano (kutaurirana, nezvimwewo - chii chakakosha muwanano kunze kwepabonde).

Kuva nechinangwa chakasarudzika hakuna kufanana nekuzvirova wega, kuvenga wega, kana kunyara kubvumirana nemitemo yetsika nechikonzero chega chakatemwa nesosaiti kana nechitendero. Asi, zvinoreva kuva nemweya wakadzikama uye wakasimba wekuti ungochani hahuenderane nekukura kwepfungwa uye / kana hutsika hwakachena, nemaonero ehana uye nebasa pamberi paMwari. Naizvozvo, kuitira mhedzisiro inobudirira yekurapa, kusimbiswazve kwekutsunga kwako wega kurwisa iro reungochani hwehunhu hwake hunodiwa.

Mhinduro

Zvinonzwisisika kuti vazhinji veavo vanotsvaga kurapwa kubva kuungochani, pamwe nevamwewo vanhu vanofarira, vanoda kuziva "muzana yevanhu vakapora". Nekudaro, zviverengero zvakapusa hazvina kukwana kuti unganidza ruzivo rwakakwana rwekutonga kwakaringana. Mune ruzivo rwangu, gumi kusvika gumi neshanu muzana yeavo vanotanga kurapwa vanowana kupora "kwakanyanya" (10% rega kurapwa mukati memwedzi mishoma). Izvi zvinoreva kuti mushure memakore mushure mekuguma kwerapi, manzwiro eungochani haadzokere kwavari, vanogadzikana muhunhu hwavo - shanduko dzinongowedzera izvi nekufamba kwenguva; pakupedzisira, wechitatu uye akakosha mureza we "zvakanyanya" shanduko - ivo vari kuenda kumberi zvine simba maererano neyakajairwa manzwiro uye kukura. Chinhu chekupedzisira chakakosha zvakanyanya, nekuti ungochani hausi "chisarudzo" chete, asi kuratidzwa kwehunhu chaihwo hwehunhu. Semuenzaniso, ini ndaona akati wandei zviitiko zvekushamisika nekukasira uye kwakazara shanduko yechingochani zvido zvevane mitezo yevatano mune varwere vaimbovanzwa paranoia Aya ndiwo mamiriro echokwadi echiratidzo "ekutsiva" ayo anotipa nzwisiso muchikamu chekiriniki chekuti ungochani hunopfuura kusagadzikana kunoshanda mune dzepabonde.

Vazhinji veavo vanogara vachishandisa nzira dzakurukurwa pano vanekugadziriswa chaiko mushure memashoma (paavhareji kubva pamatatu kusvika mashanu) makore ekurapa. Zvido zvavo zveungochani uye fungidziro dzinopera simba kana kuti dzinopera, heterochani inozviratidza kana inosimudzirwa zvakanyanya, uye chikamu chetsinga chinoderera. Vamwe (asi kwete vese), zvakadaro, nguva nenguva vanodzokera shure (nekuda kwekumanikidzwa, semuenzaniso), uye vanodzokera kune kwavo kwekufungidzira zveungochani; asi, kana vakatangazve kurwira, zvinopfuura munguva pfupi kwazvo.

Mufananidzo uyu unotarisisa kupfuura iwo unoratidzwa nevarume vanoita zvechingochani kuti vatipe, ivo vari kudzivirira zvido zvavo mukusimudzira pfungwa yekusagadziriswa kweungochani. Kune rimwe divi, kuwana budiriro hakusi nyore sekunge vamwe vechinyakare vanoita zvechihure. Chekutanga pane zvese, maitiro ekuchinja anowanzoita angangoita matatu kana mashanu makore, kunyangwe zvese kufambira mberi kunoitwa munguva pfupi. Uyezve, shanduko dzakadai dzinoda kutsungirira, kuverengera kugutsikana nematanho madiki, kukunda kuduku muhupenyu hwezuva nezuva pane kumirira kuporeswa nekukurumidza. Mhedzisiro yemaitiro eshanduko haidembi kana tikaziva kuti munhu ari kurapwa (kuzvidzikisira) kurapwa anodzorerwazve kana kudzidziswa patsva kwehunhu hwake husina kudzidza uye husina kusimba. Iwe zvakare haufanire kufunga kuti haufanire kuedza kutanga kurapwa kana mhedzisiro isiri iyo kunyangarika kwakakwana kwekuita kweungochani. Asi zvinopesana, ngochani anogona kungobatsirwa nemaitiro aya: kusangana pabonde kunonyangarika mune zvese zviitiko, uye anotanga kunzwa achifara uye aine hutano nemafungiro ake matsva uye, chokwadi, mararamiro. Pakati pekurapa kwakakwana uye, kune rumwe rutivi, kungofambira mberi kudiki kana kwechinguva chidiki (mu20% yeavo vakaramba vachirapa) kune kuenderera mberi kukuru kwekuchinja kwakanaka. Chero zvazvingaitika, kunyangwe avo vakaita fambiro mberi shoma mukuvandudza mamiriro avo vanowanzoganhurisa kushamwaridzana kwavo, izvo zvinogona kutorwa nekuzvibata munzira yehunhu uye nepfungwa yehutano hwomuviri, tichifunga nezvechirwere cheAIDS. (Ruzivo rwezvirwere zvinotapuriranwa pabonde uye tarisiro yevanoita ungochani zvinotyisa).

Muchidimbu, mune zvechingochani, isu tiri kubata nechinhu chimwe chete senge mune mamwe maeuroses: phobias, obsessions, depression kana kusangana pabonde. Chinhu chakanyanyisa kunzwisisa kuita chimwe chinhu kupokana neizvi, kunyangwe kushandisa kukuru kwesimba uye kusiiwa kwemafaro uye fungidziro. Ngochani dzakawanda dzinoziva izvi, asi nekuda kwekuzeza kwavo kuona zviri pachena, vanoedza kuzvishingisa kuti maitiro avo akajairika uye vanotsamwa kana vatarisana nekutyisidzira kurota kwavo kana kutiza kubva pachokwadi. Ivo vanofarira kuwedzeredza kuoma kwekurapwa uye, chokwadika, vanoramba vari mapofu kune zvakanakira izvo kunyangwe shanduko diki kwazvo kune zvirinani zvinounza. Asi ivo vanoramba kurapwa kwerheumatoid arthritis kana gomarara, kunyangwe hazvo marapirwo aya asingatungamire kurapa kwakazara kwezvikamu zvese zvevarwere?

Kubudirira kweiyo ex-gay kufamba uye dzimwe nzira dzekurapa

Mukukura kuri kuita ex-gay kufamba, munhu anogona kusangana neari kuwedzera nhamba yeavo vakanyatso kugadzirisa mamiriro avo kana kutopora. Mukuita kwavo, aya mapoka nemasangano anoshandisa musanganiswa wepfungwa uye nheyo dzechiKristu uye nzira, vachiteerera zvakanyanya kune nyaya yekunetseka kwemukati. Murwere wechiKristu ane mukana pakurapwa, nekuti kutenda muShoko risingapatsanurwe raMwari kunomupa iwo mafambiro akakwana muhupenyu, anosimbisa kuda kwake mukurwisa rutivi rwakasviba rwehunhu hwake uye kurwira kushambidzika kwetsika. Zvisinei nekumwe kusapindirana, (semuenzaniso, dzimwe nguva kushingairira kwakawandisa uye kumwe kusada kuita "kupupurira" uye kutarisira "chishamiso" chiri nyore), iyi sangano rechikristu rine chimwe chinhu chatinogona kudzidza (zvisinei, ichi chidzidzo chinogona kudzidziswa muchivande chiitiko) . Ndiri kureva izvo kurapwa kweungochani kunofanirwa kubata panguva imwe chete nepfungwa, mweya uye hunhu - kusvika padanho rakakura kupfuura iro kurapwa kwehuwandu hwedzimwe maroses. Achishandisa zvekunamata, munhu anodzidza kuteerera kuzwi rehana, iro rinomuudza nezve kusapindirana kwehunhu hweungochani zvese neicho chenyika chaiyo mumifungo uye nechitendero chechokwadi. Saka ngochani dzakawanda dzinoedza nepadzinogona kuyananisa izvo zvisingawirirane uye kufungidzira kuti vanogona kuve vatendi uye kurarama hupenyu hweungochani panguva imwe chete. Hunyanzvi uye hunyengeri hwezvishuwo zvakadaro zviri pachena: zvinopera nekudzokera kuhupenyu hweungochani uye kukanganikwa kwechiKristu, kana - nekuda kwekukanganisa hana - kugadzirwa kwavo voga vhezheni yechiKristu inoenderana neungochani. Kana iri yekurapa kweungochani, mhedzisiro yakanaka inogona kuwanikwa nekuvimba nekubatanidzwa kwezvinhu zvemweya nehunhu pamwe nekubudirira kwepfungwa.

Ini handidi kuti chero munhu awane fungidziro yekuti ndiri kudzikisira kukosha kweimwe nzira uye nzira sezvavanenge vazojairana nemaonero angu nezveungochani uye kurapa kwayo. Zvinotaridza kwandiri kuti dzidziso dzemazuva ano dzepfungwa nemarapirwo ane zvimwe zvakafanana pane kusiyana. Kunyanya, izvi zvine chekuita nemaonero eungochani sedambudziko rekuzivikanwa kwevakadzi - izvi zvinogoverwa neanenge munhu wese. Zvakare, nzira dzekurapa mukuita dzinogona kusiyana zvakanyanya kushoma pane zvinoita sekunge mabhuku chete achienzaniswa. Ivo vanowirirana munzira dzakawanda. Uye ndine rukudzo rukuru kune vese vandinoshanda navo vanoshanda mundima ino, kuyedza kugadzirisa zvakavanzika zveungochani uye kubatsira vanotambura kuwana kwavo kuzivikanwa.

Pano ini ndinofunga chii, mumaonero angu, ndiyo yakasanganiswa yakasarudzika yemafungiro akasiyana siyana uye mazano kubva kwazviri nzira dzinoshanda dzekuzvirapa dzinozvarwa. Kana tikanyatso tarisisa zvatinoona uye mhedzisiro, zvakadzama mutengi wedu achakwanisa kuzvinzwisisa, uye izvi zvinokanganisa zvakati kuti angagadzirisa mamiriro ake sei.

1. Chii chinonzi ungochani

Ongororo pfupi yepfungwa

Kuti muverengi agadzire pfungwa yakajeka yezvichataurwa pazasi, isu tinotanga tarisa mativi akasiyana ezvibodzwa zvedu.

1. Maitiro edu akavakirwa pane pfungwa yekusaziva kuzvinzwira tsitsi, uye tinofunga tsitsi idzi sechinhu chekutanga uye chakakosha cheungochani. Iye ngochani hausarudze nekusaziva kuzvinzwira tsitsi, izvo, kana ndikadaro, zviripo zvega, zvichigadzira nekusimbisa maitiro ake e "mesochistic". Chaizvoizvo, kukwezva kweungochani, pamwe nekunzwa kushomeka kwevanhukadzi, mavari chiratidzo chekuzvinzwira tsitsi. Kunzwisisa uku kunowirirana nemaonero pamwe nekucherechedzwa kwaAlfred Adler (1930, kushomeka kwepasi uye chishuwo chemuripo sekuripwa kwekushomeka kunotsanangurwa), muAustro-American psychoanalyst Edmund Bergler (1957, ungochani hunofungidzirwa se "pfungwa yekuona maziso") uye chiremba wepfungwa wechiDutch Johan Arndt (1961, pfungwa yacho inoratidzwa. kuzvimanikidza kuzvinzwira tsitsi).

2. Nekuda kwekuvapo kwekushomeka kwechikadzi, ngochani inoramba iri "mwana", "wechidiki" - chiitiko ichi chinozivikanwa sechecheche. Iyi pfungwa yaFreudian yakashandiswa kune ungochani naWilhelm Steckel (1922), inoenderana nepfungwa yazvino ye "wemukati mwana kubva kare" (American child psychiatrist Missldine, 1963, Harris, 1973, nevamwe).

3. Humwe hunhu hwevabereki kana hukama pakati pemwana nemubereki hunogona kumisikidza kukura kwehunhu hwakaderera hwehukama; zvisinei, kusagamuchirwa muboka revanhu vechikadzi chimwe chete kwakanyanya kukosha kupfuura chinhu chekufungidzira. Tsika psychoanalysis inoderedza chero kukanganisika mukukura kwepfungwa uye neurosis kune hukama hwakakanganisika pakati pemwana nemubereki. Pasina kuramba kukosha kwakakura kwehukama pakati pemubereki nemwana, isu tinoona, zvisinei, kuti chikuru chinogadza kuzvivimba kweyechidiki pakuenzanisa nevezera rake vebonde rimwe chete. Mune izvi tinowirirana nevamiriri veneo-psychoanalysis, saKaren Horney (1950) naJohan Arndt (1961), pamwe neevanozviremekedza ivo, semuenzaniso, Karl Rogers (1951) nevamwe.

4. Kutya nhengo dzevakomana kana vasikana kunowanzoitika (psychoanalysts Ferenczi, 1914, 1950; Fenichel 1945), asi kwete honzeri huru yekuda kweungochani. Asi, kutya uku kunotaura nezve zviratidzo zvekunzwa kushomeka kwevanhukadzi, izvo, zvechokwadi, zvinogona kutsamwiswa nenhengo dzebonde, vane tarisiro dzebonde iye ungochani anozviona sekuti haakwanise kusangana.

5. Kutevera zvido zveungochani zvinotungamira kupindwa muropa nebonde. Avo vanotevera nzira iyi vakasangana nematambudziko maviri: yakaoma yekushomeka kwevanhukadzi uye kuzvimiririra pabonde kupindwa muropa (ino fananidzwa nemamiriro eaneurotic ane matambudziko nedoro). Nyanzvi yezvepfungwa dzeAmerica Lawrence J. Hatterer (1980) akanyora nezve iyi miviri yekunakidzwa-kupindwa muropa nechirwere.

6. Mu (self-) kurapwa, kugona kuseka pachako kunoita basa rakakosha. Pamusoro wenyaya yekuzvinyengera, Adler akanyora, pa "hyperdramatization" - Arndt, mazano eanorapa maitiro Stamp (1967) nezve "implosion" uye chiremba wepfungwa weAustria Viktor Frankl (1975) nezve "chinangwa chekupokana" anozivikanwa.

7. Uye pakupedzisira, sezvo zvinokwezva zveungochani zvakatangira mukuzvifunga-wega kana "egophilia" yehunhu husati hwakura (izwi iri rakaunzwa naMurray, 1953), kuzvirapa / kurapwa kwakanangana nekutenga kwehunhu hwese hwetsika nehunhu hunobvisa kusangana uku nekuwedzera kukwanisa kuda vamwe.

Abnormality

Zviripachena, huwandu hukuru hwevanhu vachiri kutenda kuti ungochani, ndiko kuti, kukwezva pabonde kunhengo dzechikadzi, pamwe chete nekuderera kwakanyanya kwekukwezva kweungochani, hazvina kujairika. Ini ndinoti "ndichiri" nekuti nguva pfupi yadarika takatarisana nenhepfenyuro inoshingaira ye "zvakajairika" nevasina kuziva uye vanoita dzidziso kubva mumatongerwo enyika nevezvematongerwo enyika vanodzora vezvenhau, zvematongerwo enyika uye chikamu chakakura chenyika yezvidzidzo. Kusiyana nevakuru vezvemagariro, vazhinji vevanhuwo zvavo havasati varasa njere, kunyangwe ivo vachimanikidzwa kutambira nhanho dzemagariro dzinopihwa nevakasununguka ngochani nemafungiro avo e "kodzero dzakaenzana" Vanhuwo zvavo havagone kubatsira asi kuona kuti chimwe chinhu chakakanganisika neavo vanhu avo, vari vemuviri varume nevakadzi, havanzwe kukwezva kune zvakasikwa zvinhu zvebonde. Kumubvunzo wakavhiringidzika wevakawanda, zvinoita sei kuti "vanhu vakadzidza" vagone kutenda kuti ungochani zvakajairika, pamwe mhinduro yakanakisa ingave kutaura kwaGeorge Orwell kuti kune zvinhu munyika "zvakapusa zvekuti vakangwara chete vanogona kutenda mavari. " Ichi chiitiko hachisi chitsva: masayendisiti mazhinji anozivikanwa kuGerman muma30 akatanga "kutenda" mune "chaiyo" dzidziso yerusaruro. Hunhu hwemombe, kushaya simba, uye chishuwo chinotyisa cheku "kuve" chinoita kuti vape kuzvitonga kwakazvimirira.

Kana munhu aine nzara, asi padanho remanzwiro nekutya achiramba chikafu, isu tinoti anotambura nechirwere - anorexia. Kana mumwe munhu akasanzwira tsitsi kuona avo vari kutambura, kana, zvakatoipisisa, achifadzwa nazvo, asi panguva imwechete anova nekunzwa pakuona katsi yakasiyiwa, tinozviona sekushushikana kwepfungwa, psychopathy. Nezvimwewo. Nekudaro, kana munhu mukuru asina kumutswa nenzira yechisimba nenhengo dzevakomana kana vasikana, uye panguva imwechete achitsvaga zvakanyanya kune vakomana kana vakadzi, kukanganisa kwakadai kwehunhu hwepabonde kunoonekwa se "hutano." Pamwe ipapo pedophilia yakajairika, sevamiriri vayo vatove kuzivisa? Uye kuratidzira? Gerontophilia (kukwezva kune vakwegura mukushaikwa kwehunhu hwepabonde), fetishism (kumutsa pabonde kubva pakuona kweshangu yemukadzi nekusava nehanya nemuviri wechikadzi), voyeurism? Ini ndichasiya padivi zvakanyanya kushamisa asi nerombo rakanaka kutsauka kwakajairika.

Ngochani dzechisimba dzinoedza kusundidzira pfungwa yehunhu hwavo nekuzvifananidza nevasarurwa, vachikumbira kunzwira tsitsi, kururamisira uye hunhu hwekudzivirira vasina simba, pachinzvimbo chekugutsikana neuchapupu hunonzwisisika. Izvi zvinoratidza kuti ivo vanoziva nezve kushomeka kunonzwisisika kwechinzvimbo chavo, uye vanoedza kutsiva izvi nekushingairira, kuparidza kwemanzwiro. Kukurukurirana kwechokwadi nerudzi urwu rwevanhu kunenge kusingakwanisike, nekuti vanoramba kufunga nechero fungidziro isingawirirane nepfungwa yavo yechinyakare. Zvisinei, ivo pachavo vanotenda izvi mukudzika kwemoyo yavo?

"Varwi" vakadaro vanogona kubudirira mukugadzira kufa kwavo - semuenzaniso, vanaamai vavo vanowanzotenda mune izvi. Mutaundi reGerman, ndakaona boka revabereki veungochani vakabatana kudzivirira "kodzero" dzevanakomana vavo. Vakanga vasina kungoita hasha mukufunga kwavo kusinganzwisisike kupfuura vanakomana vavo. Vamwe amai vakaita sekunge mumwe munhu ari kukanganisa hupenyu hwemwana wavo wavanoda, nepo ichingova nyaya yekuziva ungochani senzvimbo yeurotic.

Basa revapfupi

Kana munhu azvizivisa semumiriri werudzi rwakasiyana rwevanhu ("Ndiri ngochani," "Ndiri ngochani," "Ndiri ngochani"), anopinda munzira ine njodzi kubva pamaonero epfungwa - sekunge ari zvakatosiyana nevanhurume nevarume. Hongu, mushure memakore ekutambudzika uye kunetseka, izvi zvinogona kuunza zororo, asi panguva imwe chete iyo inzira inotungamirira kukukundwa. Munhu anozvizivisa sengochani anotora chinzvimbo chekunze zvachose. Iri ndiro basa regamba rinosuruvarisa. Kuzviongorora kwakadzama uye kwechokwadi kunenge kwakapesana chaizvo: "Ndine fungidziro idzi uye zvishuwo, asi ndinoramba kubvuma kuti ndiri "ngochani" uye ndinozvibata zvinoenderana.

Ehezve, basa racho rinopa mibairo: zvinobatsira kunzwa sekunge iwe uri pakati pevamwe ngochani, unogadzirisa kwenguva pfupi kusagadzikana kunobva mukukosha kwekuramba zvinokwezva zveungochani, kunopa kugutsikana kwepamoyo kubva pakunzwa segamba rakakosha, risinganzwisisike renjodzi (kunyangwe ikave kufenda sei), - uye, hongu, inounza mufaro kubva kune zvebonde zviitiko. Mumwe aimbove ngochani, achirangarira zvaakawana zvetsika dzevabonde, anoti: “Zvaiita sekunge ndakauya kumba. Ndakawana vezera rangu vezera (rangarira mutambo wehucheche hweungochani kubva pakunzwa semunhu ari kunze). Ndichitarisa kumashure, ndinoona kushungurudzika kwatakaita - boka revanhu vasina kuenderana neupenyu, avo vakazowana mukana wavo muhupenyu huno ”(Howard 1991, 117).

Nekudaro, iyo mari ine raiti. Munzira iyi, usambofa wakawana mufaro chaiwo, kana rugare rwemukati. Kushushikana uye kunzwa kwekusaziva kwemukati zvinongowedzera. Uye zvakadiniko nokufona kunokatyamadza uye kunopfuurira kwehana? Uye zvese nekuti munhu akazvizivisa neye nhema "ini", achipinda muhupenyu hwechingochani "hupenyu." Kurota kwekunyengerera nekufamba kwenguva kunochinja kuve kunyepedzera kunotyisa: "kuva ngochani" zvinoreva kurarama hupenyu hwenhema, kure nekwauri chaizvo.

Manyepo eungochani anokurudzira vanhu kuti vazvitsanangure kuburikidza neungochani, vachidzokorora kuti vanhu "vangori" ngochani. Nekudaro, zvido zveungochani hazviwanzoitika kuti zvive zvekusingaperi uye zvisingachinjiki (kana zvichinge zvaitika). Nguva dzechingochani dzinotyaira dzimwe nguva dzakawedzera kana kushomeka kutaura huchingochani. Ehe, vechidiki vachiri kuyaruka uye vechidiki vasina kukura ne "ungochani," vakazviponesa nenzira iyi kubva mukutanga tsika yeungochani. Kune rimwe divi, zita rake rinosimbisa hungochani, kunyanya pakutanga, kana munhu achifanira kukudziridza chikamu chake chemurume. Isu tinofanirwa kunzwisisa kuti hafu yevanhurume nevarume vanogona kunge vanofungidzirwa kuti vari vaviri, uye pakati pevanoshamwaridzana chikamu ichi chakanyanya kukwirira.

2. Zvinokonzera ungochani

Ko ungochani hune hukama chaihwo nehunhu uye hwakagadzirwa huropi?

Izwi rekuti "mahormone" harina kuverengerwa mumusoro weiyi ndima, nekuti kuyedza kutsvaga hwaro hwehomoni hweungochani zvakasiiwa (havana kupa chero mhedzisiro - kunze kwekunge muEast Germany muongorori Dorner akawana kumwe kuwirirana mumakonzo, asi izvi zvine chekuita nehunhu hwevanhu, uye zvirokwazvo izvo zviedzo zvacho zvaive zvisina kunyatso kuverengerwa). Ikoko kunoratidzika kuve pasina chikonzero chekuramba uchitsigira dzidziso yehormone.

Nekudaro, isu tinofanira kucherechedza kuti vanotsigira ungochani vanga vachiedza kwemakumi emakore kubata chero chiitiko nekuda kwekuratidzira fungidziro yehomoni, kunyangwe zvingave zvakajeka sei Vakaedza kupa fungidziro yekuti "sainzi yakaratidza" hunhu hweungochani, uye avo vasingabvumirani neizvi zvinofungidzirwa kuti havana kuvimba nedzidziso.

Nhasi, zvishoma zvachinja mune izvi; pamwe chete zvimwe zvakawanikwa zvinokanganisa pfungwa mukati mevakafa ngochani, kana fungidziro pamusoro pechimwe chisarudzo chromosomes, zvino zvinoshanda se "hunyanzvi hwesainzi".

Asi kana chimwe chinhu chehupenyu chikazivikanwa icho chakanangana zvakananga neungochani, saka hazvigone kuve nharo inotsigira hunhu hweiyi ratidziro. Mushure mezvose, chimwe chinhu chehupenyu hachifanirwe kuve chikonzero cheungochani; inogona kunge iri mhedzisiro yayo. Asi zvakadaro, kuvapo kwechinhu chakadai kuri panzvimbo yekufungidzira pane chokwadi. Nhasi zviri pachena kuti zvikonzero zviri pano hazvinei ne physiology kana biology.

Munguva pfupi yapfuura, ongororo mbiri dzakaburitswa dzakaratidza kuvapo kwe "kuberekwa kunhaka". Hamer et al. (1993) akaongorora muenzaniso wevarume vanoita ngochani vaive nehama dzengochani. Akawana mu2 / 3 yavo zviratidzo zvekufanana kwechikamu chidiki cheX chromosome (nhaka kubva kuna amai).

Izvi zvinowana here majini eungochani? Kwete nenzira! Zvinoenderana neruzivo rwevazhinji vema geneticists, kunyorera genetic kusati kwasimbiswa, kudzokororwa kudzokororwa kwemhedzisiro iyi kunodiwa. Kufanana "kwakawanikwa" kweiyo gene yeiyo schizophrenia, manic-inoshungurudza psychosis, chidhakwa uye kunyange mhosva (!) Zvine rugare uye nerunyararo zvakanyangarika nekuda kwekushayikwa kwouchapupu hwakazotevera.

Uye zvakare, kudzidza kwaHamer hakumiririri: zvine chekuita nechikamu chidiki chevanhurume chingochani, hama dzavo dzaivewo ngochani (kwete vanopfuura gumi muzana yevese ngochani), uye haina kunyatso simbiswa, asi muna 10/2 chete, kureva. vanopfuura 3% yevese ngochani. "Hapachina", nekuti ngochani dzakavhurika chete idzo dzaivewo nehama dzeungochani dzaimiririrwa muboka rekudzidza (sezvo rakaunganidzwa chete kuburikidza neshambadziro mumapepanhau anotsigira ngochani).

Dai chidzidzo ichi chaizosimbiswa, icho pachacho hachisati chichi simbisa kuvepo kwechikonzero chemajini chingochani. Kunyatsoongorora kungaratidza kuti geni rinogona kukanganisa chero hunhu, semuenzaniso, hunhu hwakafanana naamai, hunhu, kana, semuenzaniso, tsika yekuzvidya mwoyo, nezvimwe. Zvinogona kufungidzirwa kuti vamwe amai kana vanababa kurera vanakomana vane hunhu hwakadai munzvimbo yechirume, kana kuti vakomana vane jeni rakadaro vaiwanzoita zvisakarurama muboka revezera ravo rechikadzi (kana, semuenzaniso, geni racho raibatanidzwa nekutya). Nekudaro, iro geni pacharo harigone kusarudza. Hazvigoneki kuti inogona kuve yakabatana nehupombwe zvakadaro, nekuti ngochani (kana vashoma vavo vane iri jeni) vaizove neakanangana ehomoni uye / kana huropi hunhu - izvo zvisati zvamboonekwa.

William Byne (1994) anomutsa mumwe mubvunzo unonakidza. Kufanana kwevakomana vanoita zvechingochani naamai vavo mukuteedzana kwema moleksi eiyo X chromosome yakadzidzwa, anodaro, hakuratidze iro iro jeni rakaenzana kune vese varume ava, sezvo zvisina kuratidzwa kuti mune zvese zviitiko zvakafanana kutevedzana kwemamorekuru. (Imwe hama dzehama dzaive neruvara rwemaziso rwakafanana norwaamai vavo; imwe yaive nechimiro chemhino, nezvimwewo)

Nekudaro, kuvepo kweiyo geni yeungochani kunoonekera nekuda kwezvikonzero zviviri: 1) mumhuri dzeungochani, mugariro wenhaka waMendel hauna kuwanikwa; 2) mhedzisiro yekuongororwa kwemapatya inoenderana neiwo dzidziso yezvakatipfuura kunze kwekutsanangurwa kwerudzi.

Ngatitsanangure wechipiri. Zvinhu zvekuda kuziva zvakauya pachena pano. Kudzoka muna 1952, Kallmann akataura kuti, sekutsvaga kwake, zana remapatya akafanana, mumwe wacho aive ungochani, aive nehama yake yemapatya zvakare ungochani. Mumapatya ehama, chete 100% yehama vaive vese ngochani. Asi, sezvakazoitika gare gare, kutsvagurudza kwaKallmann kwakaratidza kuve kwakarerekera uye kusingamiriri, uye zvakabva zvave pachena kuti kune vazhinji vanoita zvepabonde pakati pemapatya akafanana. Semuenzaniso, Bailey naPillard (11) vakawana kusangana kweungochani mune 1991% chete yemapatya echirume uye 52% yemapatya ehama, nepo ngochani vanun'una vanowanikwa mu22% yeungochani husiri mapatya, uye 9% vaive nehama dzekurera dzechingochani! Mune ino kesi, chekutanga, iyo genetic chinhu inoenderana neungochani inogona kusarudza chete muhafu yenyaya, saka hazvisi izvo zvinokonzeresa chikonzero. Kechipiri: mutsauko uripo pakati pemapatya ehama, kune rumwe rutivi, uye ngochani nehama dzavo (kusanganisira avo vanogamuchira), kune rimwe (11%, 22% uye 9%, zvichiteerana), vanonongedzera kuzvikonzero zvisiri zvemajini, nekuti mapatya ehama anosiyana zvakanyanya kufanana nedzimwe hama. Nekudaro, iyo tsananguro yehukama hwakacherechedzwa haifanirwe kutsvakwa kwete mumageneti, asi mune zvepfungwa.

Kune zvimwe zvinopesana, semuenzaniso, zvimwe zvidzidzo zvinoratidza mutambo wepasi ungochani mumapasa akafanana, uye samples dzezvidzidzo zvakawanda hadzisi mumiriri weungochani hwese.

Asi todzokera kuongororo yaHameri: zvichiri zvakanyanya kugona kufunga chero zvaari kubva kune kuvapo kwechinhu chakaberekerwa, nekuti, pakati pezvimwe zvinhu, hatizive kana iri rekuti "geni" rinogona kunge riripo muhama dzengochani uye muhupombwe. Kunyanya kufa kwakanyanyisa pakuongorora uku kwakataurwa naRish, uyo akaongorora maitiro aHamer sampling. Maererano naRish, Hamer's zvawanikwa zvabuda hazvina kupa iwo mvumo yekutora mhedzisiro inotorwa naHamer (Rish et al. 1993).

Zvisinei nekuti Hamer pachake akataura kuti tsvagiridzo yake "inoratidza" genetic simba, zvakadaro anoti "mukana wekunze zvikonzero" zveungochani (Hamer et al. 1993). Dambudziko nderekuti "fungidziro" dzakadai dzinoziviswa senge dzinenge dzave kufungwa.

Mu 1991, mumwe muongorori, LeVey, akashuma mumagazini yeSainzi kuti nzvimbo yenzvimbo yakati reuropi (anterior hypothalamus) yevanoverengeka ngochani dzeAIDS yakanga iri diki pane nzvimbo yenzvimbo imwechete yehuropi yeavo vakafa nechirwere chakafanana. Munyika yesainzi, kufungidzira nezvesimba rehuropi hwengochani kwakatanga kutenderera zvakabatikana.

Asi hazvina kunaka kufunga kudaro: ngochani zhinji uye vamiririri veboka rinodzora vane saizi yakafanana yenzvimbo ino, saka ichi chinhu hachisi chikonzero cheungochani.

Kupfuurirazve, kufungidzira kwaReVey kuti chikamu ichi cheuropi chinomiririra hukama hwepabonde chakabvumidzwa; akashoropodzwa nenzira yake yekuedza kuvhiya (Byne naParsons, 1993).

Uyezve. LeVey akatonga kunze kwevamwe ngochani nekuda kwehurwere hwakawandisa muhuropi hwavo: muchokwadi, AIDS inozivikanwa kushandura huremu hwehuropi uye chimiro cheDNA. Zvichakadaro, Byne naParsons, mukunyatsoongorora kwavo ungochani uye "zvehupenyu" zvinhu, vanocherekedza kuti nhoroondo dzezvokurapa dzevane ngochani vane AIDS dzakasiyana neidzo dzevapombwe vakapindwa muropa nezvinodhaka, avo, paavhareji, vanofa nekukurumidza kupfuura vane ngochani vane hutachiona uye vanokwanisa kurapwa zvimwe zvirwere. - kuitira kuti mutsauko muhukuru hwenzvimbo ino yeuropi isanganiswe nehutano hwakasiyana mumapoka ekuyedza uye ekudzivirira. (Kubva pachokwadi chekuti HIV inoshandura chimiro cheDNA, nenzira, zvinotevera kuti mukufunda kwaHamer imwe tsananguro inogoneka, ichibatanidza maficha emajini nebasa rehutachiona).

Asi ngatitii mune zvimwe zvikamu zvehuropi zveungochani pane chaicho chimwe chinoshamisa. Tinofanira here kufunga kuti uropi hwevane ngochani-vanodheerera vanewo "yavo" nzvimbo? Ko zvakadii nezvevakadzi vanoita zvepabonde, masochist uye sadists veakasiyana maitiro, varatidziri, voyeurs, ngochani uye vanoita bonde vanoita zvechihure, transvestites, transsexourse, zoophiles, nezvimwe.

Iko kukundikana kwefungidziro yeiyo genetic yakabva kune tsika yekuita zvepabonde kunosimbiswa nekutsvaga kwekuita. Izvo zvinozivikanwa, semuenzaniso, kuti kunyangwe muvanhu vane seti isiriyo yemakomichi, kugona kwavo zvepabonde kunoenderana nebasa repabonde ravanounzwa kumusoro. Uye chokwadi chekuti kudzorerwazve kweungochani chinogoneka, icho chakaramba chakasimbiswa mu psychotherapy, chinopindirana nedzidziso yekubereka?

Hatigone kubvisa mukana wekuti zvimwe zvimiro zvehuropi zvinoshandurwa nekuda kwehunhu. Sei, zvino, LeVey, uyo pakutanga akataura nenzira kwayo kuti mhedzisiro yake "haibvumidze kutora mhedziso," kumwe kunhu muchinyorwa chake anonyora zvakare kuti ivo "vanofungidzira" hwaro hwehukono hweungochani (uye nenzira yechisikigo, iyi "fungidziro" yakakurumidza kutorwa neve pro-ngochani midhiya )? Icho chokwadi ndechekuti LeVey ingochani yakavhurika. Zano re "vadziviriri" ava ndere kuumba fungidziro yekuti "kune zvikonzero zvehupenyu, chete isu hatisati tazvisimbisa chaizvo - asi pane zviratidzo zvinonakidza / zvinovimbisa". Iri zano rinotsigira pfungwa yehunhu hwechingochani. Inotamba mumawoko epro-ngochani, nekuti kana vezvematongerwo enyika nevatongi vakatenda kuti sainzi iri munzira yekuratidzira hunhu hweungochani, izvi zvinofambiswa zviri nyore kunhandare yepamutemo kuchengetedza kodzero dzakasarudzika dzevane ngochani. Science magazine, semamwe mabhuku ane hushamwari evanhurume, anowanzo tsigira pfungwa yehunhu hwechingochani. Izvi zvinogona kunzwika nenzira iyo mupepeti anorondedzera mushumo weHamer: "zvinoita kunge chinangwa." "Ehe, pachine nzira refu yekufamba usati wawana humbowo hwakazara, asi ..." Rondedzero yakajairwa yevadziviriri veiyi pfungwa. Achitaura pamusoro penyaya yaHamer mutsamba yake, anozivikanwa wechiFrench geneticist, Professor Lejeune (1993) akanyatsotaura kuti "dai ongororo iyi isina chekuita neungochani, haingatombogamuchirwa kuti ibudiswe nekuda kwenzira ine gakava nekusanzwisisika kwehuwandu."

Zvinonzwisa urombo kuti vashoma chete vaongorori vanoziva nezvenhoroondo yezvakasiyana zvezvinhu zvakasikwa "zvakawanikwa" mumunda wekudzidza ungochani. Kufunga kwe "kuwanikwa" kwaSteinach, kwakatangira nguva refu Hondo Yenyika II isati yatanga kutenda kuti aikwanisa kuratidza shanduko chaiyo muma testicles evarume vanoita zveungochani, hazvirangarire. Panguva iyoyo, vazhinji vakavakira mazano avo pachikonzero chakaberekerwa mune zvake mabhuku. Makore mazhinji chete gare gare, zvakava pachena kuti mhedzisiro yayo haina kusimbiswa.

Uye pakupedzisira, iyo yazvino pakutsvagisa kwaHameri. Sayenzi yeAmerican Magazine (Mbudzi 1995, p. 26) inoshuma pamusoro peongororo yakakwana yakaitwa naJ. Ebers, uyo asina kukwanisa kuwana chero hukama pakati peungochani uye kusaina chromosome genes.

Zvinosuruvarisa kuti, nekukurumidza, zvinyorwa, sezvazvinokurukurwa pamusoro, kwete kungozvinyengera, asiwo zvinoshungurudza vanhu vari kutsvaga chokwadi uye vasingade kurarama nekutapura kwavo. Naizvozvo, isu hatingakundwa nekunyengera.

Ko ungochani hwakanyatso “kurongedzwa” here mumakore ekutanga ehupenyu, uye ichi chiitiko chisingadzoreke?

Ungochani hwevacheche hudiki kazhinji hunotanga mukuyaruka uye hushoma hwakabatana nehucheche. Pakati pemakore aya, kumwe kushushikana kwepfungwa kweungochani kunoitika. Zvisinei, hazvina kunaka kutaura kuti hunhu hwepabonde hwakatosimbiswa muhucheche, sevatsigiri veungochani, pakati pevamwe, vanowanzoreva. Iyi dzidziso inoshandiswa kururamisa iyo pfungwa inounzwa kuvana muzvikamu zvekudzidzisa nezvebonde: "Panogona kunge paine vamwe venyu, uye izvi zvakasikwa, saka raramai zvinoenderana neizvi!" Iko kusunganidzwa kwekutanga kwehukama hwepabonde ndeimwe yemafungiro avanofarira mune ekare psychoanalytic dzidziso, dzinosimbisa kuti nezera ramakore matatu kana mana, hunhu hunhu hunoumbwa, uye kamwe uye zvachose.

Ngochani, achinzwa izvi, anozofunga kuti mafungiro ake akaumbwa atova mucheche, nekuti amai vake vaida musikana - uye nekudaro iye, mukomana, akaramba. Pamusoro pechirevo chenhema zvachose (maonero emucheche ndeechinyakare, haakwanise kuona kurambwa kwake zvichienderana nehunhu), dzidziso iyi inonzwika semutongo wemagumo uye inosimbisa kuzviteedzera.

Kana isu tichivimba nekufungisisa kwemunhu iye pachake, saka isu pachena tichaona kuti neurotization inoitika panguva yekukura.

Nekudaro, mune pfungwa dzekutanga kukura, pane chimwe chokwadi. Semuenzaniso, zvingangoitika kuti amai vakararama zviroto zvemwanasikana wavo ndokurera mwanakomana wavo saizvozvo. Hunhu nehunhu zvakanyatsoumbwa mukati memakore ekutanga ehupenyu, izvo zvisingataurwe chero nezvekuvandudzwa kwekuda kungochani, kana nezve kuiswa kweiyo yakasarudzika yekusagadzikana kwevakadzi kunobva kwadziri pfungwa idzi.

Icho chokwadi chekuti zvido zvepabonde hazvina kugadziriswa zvachose achiri mudiki chinogona kufananidzwa nezvakawanikwa zveGundlach naRiesz (1967): kana uchidzidza boka rakakura revanobata vakadzi vanokurira mumhuri hombe dzevana vashanu kana vanopfuura, zvakaonekwa kuti vakadzi ava vangangoita vana vadiki mumhuri. Izvi zvinoratidza kuti shanduko inosimudzira mukukura kweungochani inoitika zvisati zvaitika kupfuura, toti, makore mashanu kusvika manomwe, uye pamwe zvichizotevera, nekuti pazera iri musikana wekutanga ari muchinzvimbo chekuti mikana yekuve lesales ingawedzera (kana aine zvishoma vanun'una vashanu nehanzvadzi), kana kuderera (kana vanin'ina vashanu kana kupfuura vakoma nevanin'ina vakaberekwa). Saizvozvo, zvidzidzo zvevarume vane mhuri dzaive nevanopfuura vanun'una nevanin'ina vakaratidza kuti, sekutonga, vana vadiki vanova ngochani (Van Lennep et al. 1954).

Zvakare, pakati pevakawanda vakadzi vechikadzi (vazhinji vari panjodzi yekuve ngochani nekuda kwekufungidzira kwavo kuita kukundwa kwechirume), vanopfuura 30 muzana havana kuva nefungidziro dzeungochani muhudiki hwavo (Green 1985), nepo 20 muzana yakachinja muhupombwe hwavo. zvido pane ino nhanho yekusimudzira (Green 1987). Vazhinji ngochani (kwete vese, nenzira), vanoona zviratidzo zvengochani mune ramangwana muhudiki hwavo (kupfeka zvipfeko zvevakomana kana zvemitambo uye zviitiko zvinoitirwa vakomana kana vakadzi). Nekudaro, izvi hazvireve zvachose kuti izvi zviratidzo zvinofanotaura ramangwana reungochani kutarisana. Ivo vanongoratidza kuwedzera njodzi, asi kwete kusadzivirira.

Psychological zvinhu zvehudiki

Kana muongorori asina tsvete asina zano nezvekwakabva ungochani aifanira kudzidza nyaya iyi, anozopedzisira asvika pakuona kuti zvakakosha kuti utarise zvepfungwa zvehucheche - pane zvakakwana data zveizvi. Nekudaro, nekuda kwekutenda kwakapararira muhunhu hwehunhu hweungochani, vazhinji vanofungidzira kuti kudzidza kuvandudzwa kweiyo psyche panguva yehucheche kunogona kubatsira mukunzwisisa ungochani. Zvinoita here kuti uzvarwe uri murume uye panguva imwechete uchikura uri mukadzi? Uye ivo ngochani pachavo havaoni zvishuwo zvavo serudzi rwechisikigo, sekuratidzwa kwe "kwavo chaiko"? Havaone zvisiri zvechivanhu kufunga kuti vangangonzwa kuita bonde?

Asi zvinoonekwa zviri kunyengera. Chekutanga pane zvese, munhukadzi murume hazvireve hazvo kuti ngochani. Uyezve, hukadzi hunhu hunowanikwa kuburikidza nekudzidza. Isu hatiwanzo kuziva kusvika papi mamwe maitiro, zvido uye maitiro anogona kudzidziswa. Izvi zvinoitika kunyanya kuburikidza nekuteedzera. Tinogona kucherechedza kwakatangira munhu anopindirana nenziyo yekutaura kwake, kududza, nezviito zvake nekufamba kwake. Iwe unogona zvakare kusiyanisa zviri nyore nhengo dzemhuri imwechete nehunhu hwavo hwese hunhu, hunhu, kuseka kwavo kwakasarudzika, - mune akawanda maitiro ehunhu ayo zviri pachena kuti haasi emuzvarirwo. Kutaura nezvechikadzi, tinogona kucherechedza kuti vakomana vari kumaodzanyemba nyika dzeEurope vanorerwa zvakanyanya "zvakapfava", mumwe angati, "vakadzi" zvakanyanya kupfuura kuchamhembe. Vechidiki veNordic vanotsamwa pavanoona vechidiki vekuSpanish kana vekuItaly vachinyatso kuomesa vhudzi ravo mudziva rekushambira, vachitarisa mugirazi kwenguva yakareba, vakapfeka marozari, zvichingodaro. vanakomana vevanhu vebasa rehungwaru, vaimbi, kana vanachangamire, sezvazvaive pakutanga. Iyi yekupedzisira muenzaniso wehunyanzvi, verenga "hukadzi".

Mukomana, akarererwa asina baba naamai vakamubata se "musikana" wake, anokura kuita mukomana akashinga? Kuongorora kunoratidza kuti ngochani zhinji dzechikadzi dzaive nekuvimba kwakanyanya naamai apo baba vaive vasipo panyama kana mupfungwa (semuenzaniso, kana baba vari murume asina kusimba achifurirwa nemukadzi wake, kana kana asina kuzadzisa basa rake sababa muhukama hwake nemwanakomana wake).

Mufananidzo waamai vanoparadza hunhu hwemwanakomana wavo wakazara. Uyu amai vane hanya zvakanyanya uye vanodzivirira zvakanyanya, vanonetsekana zvakanyanya nezve hutano hwemwanakomana wavo. Avawo ndivo amai vakakurumbira, vakagadza basa remuranda kana shamwari yepamwoyo pamwanakomana wavo. Amai vane rudo kana vanozvitamba ivo vasingazive vanoona mumwanakomana wavo mwanasikana waanoda kuva naye (semuenzaniso, mushure mekufa kwemwanasikana akazvarwa pamberi pemwanakomana). Mukadzi akazova amai mukukura, nekuti aisakwanisa kuita vana achiri mudiki. Ambuya vanorera mukomana akasiiwa naamai vake uye vane chivimbo chekuti anoda kuchengetedzwa. Amai vechidiki vanotora mwanakomana wavo zvakanyanya kunge chidhori pane mukomana mupenyu. Amai vokurera avo vanobata mwanakomana wavo semwana asingabatsiri uye ane rudo. Nezvimwewo. Sezvo mutemo, muhucheche hwechikadzi ngochani, zvinhu zvakadaro zvinogona kuwanikwa zviri nyore, saka hapana chikonzero chekutendeukira kune nhaka kuti utsanangure hunhu hwechikadzi.

Mumwe ngochani anoonekera wechikadzi, uyo akaenda naamai vake muzvipfuyo, nepo mukoma wake aive "mwanakomana wababa", akandiudza kuti amai vangu vaigara vachimupa basa rekuti "mushandi" wake, mukomana wepage. Akanyora bvudzi rake, akabatsira kusarudza rokwe muchitoro, nezvimwewo Sezvo nyika yevarume yaive yakavharika kwaari nekuda kwekushaiwa kwababa vake kufarira, nyika yaamai vake natete yakave yake yakajairika nyika. Ndicho chikonzero nei hunhu hwake kutevedzera hwainongedzwa kune vakadzi vakuru. Semuenzaniso, akaona kuti aigona kuvatevedzera mukushongedza, izvo zvakavafadza.

Semutemo, kutevedzera kwemukomana mushure memakore matatu ekuzvarwa anongoenda kumamodeli ehurume: baba, vanun'una, vanababamunini, vadzidzisi, uye panguva yekuyaruka, anozvisarudzira magamba matsva kubva kuvarume vevanhu. Muvasikana, ichi chipfungwa chinotungamirirwa kumhando dzevakadzi. Kana tikataura nezvehunhu hwatakazvarwa nahwo hune hukama hwepabonde, saka iyi yekutevedzera yemukati yakakodzera kune iyi indima. Zvakangodaro, vamwe vakomana vanotevedzera vamiriri vevakadzi kana vakadzi, uye izvi zvinokonzerwa nezvinhu zviviri: ivo vanogombedzerwa basa remurume kana musikana, uye havakwezvwi nekutevedzera baba, hama nevamwe varume. Iko kukanganisika kwemaitiro echisikigo emitezo yekufungidzira iko nekuda kwekuti vamiririri vevakadzi vavo havasi kutaridzika zvakakwana, nepo kutevedzera mukadzi kana musikana kuchisangana nezvimwe zvinounza zvimwe zvakanaka.

Muchiitiko chingorondedzerwa, mukomana akanzwa kufara uye akadzivirirwa nekuda kwekucherechedzwa uye kuyemurwa kwamai vake natete - mukushayikwa, sekufunga kwake, kwemukana wekupinda munyika yemukoma nababa vake. Hunhu hwe "mwanakomana wamai" hwakagadziridzwa maari; akazove anotevera, akaedza kufadza munhu wese, kunyanya vakadzi vakuru; saamai vake, akatanga kuva nehanya, kutambura uye kushatirwa, kazhinji kuchema, nekuyeuchidza vatete vake nenzira yekutaura.

Izvo zvakakosha kuti uzive kuti hushamwari hwevarume vakadai hwakafanana nemaitiro e "chembere"; uye kunyangwe iri basa rakadzika midzi, ingori chihure-chikadzi. Isu tinotarisana kwete chete nekupukunyuka kubva kune hunhu hwehurume kwekutya kutadza, asiwo nechimiro chekutsvaga chisina kujairika chekutarisisa, mafaro evakadzi vane hunyanzvi vanoratidza kushamisika nezveizvi. Izvi zvinonyanya kutaurwa mu transgender vanhu uye varume vanotamba vakadzi mabasa.

Injury uye maitiro maitiro

Hapana mubvunzo kuti chinhu chekushungurudzika chinotora chinzvimbo chikuru mukugadziriswa kwepfungwa kweungochani (kunyanya nezvekuenderana nenhengo dzemurume kana vakadzi, ona pazasi). Iri "peji" randakangotaura nezvaro, hongu, rakarangarira nyota yake yekutarisirwa kwababa vake, iyo, mumaonero ake, yakagamuchirwa chete nehama imwe. Asi maitiro ake uye zvaanofarira hazvigone kutsanangurwa chete nekutiza kubva munyika yevanhu. Isu tinowanzo tarisa kudyidzana kwezvinhu zviviri: kugadzirwa kwechimiro chisina kunaka uye kushungurudzika (kunzwa kwekusakwanisa kwekuvapo kwevamiriri vevakadzi vechimwe nyika). Izvo zvinodikanwa kusimbisa ichi chinhu chetsika, mukuwedzera kune chinhu chekuvhiringidzika, nekuti kurapa kwakanyatsoshanda hakufanirwe kuve kunogadzirisa mhedzisiro yemhedzisiro yekushungurudzika, asiwo mukuchinja maitiro awanikwa asiri ehunhu. Uye zvakare, kunyanya kufunga nezvekushungurudzika kunogona kuwedzera tsika yekuzvibata wega munhukadzi, uye semhedzisiro, achapomera mubereki wehukadzi hwake chete. Asi, semuenzaniso, hapana baba vamwe vane "mhosva" yekusarerekera zvakakwana kumwanakomana wavo. Kazhinji baba veungochani vanogunun'una kuti vakadzi vavo varidzi vakadaro nekuremekedza nevanakomana vavo zvekuti hapana nzvimbo yavo pachavo. Chokwadi, vabereki vazhinji vanoita ngochani vane matambudziko muwanano.

Nezve hunhu hwechikadzi hwevarume vanoita zvechingochani uye hunhu hwechirume hwevabonde, kuongororwa kwekiriniki kunoratidza kuti vazhinji vavo vakarerwa mumabasa akasiyana neevamwe vana vebonde rimwe chete. Izvo zvekuti ivo vanozotanga kutevedzera kune iri basa kazhinji mhedzisiro yakanangana nekushaikwa kwemvumo kubva kumubereki wechikadzi mumwe chete. Maitiro akajairika evazhinji (asi kwete ese!) Ngochani vanhurume vanamai ndezvekuti havawone vanakomana vavo se "varume chaivo" - uye havavabate savakadaro. Zvimwechetezvo, vamwe vanababa vevabonde, kunyangwe hazvo zvishoma, havawone vanasikana vavo se "vasikana chaivo" uye havavabate savakadaro, asi zvakanyanya seshamwari yavo yepamwoyo kana semwanakomana wavo.

Izvo zvinofanirwa kucherechedzwa kuti basa remubereki wevakomana kana vasikana harisi rakakosha pane iro remubereki wechikadzi mumwe chete. Varume vazhinji ngochani, semuenzaniso, vakave nekuzvidzivirira zvakanyanya, kusagadzikana, kushushikana, vanamai vane simba, kana vanamai vanovayemura nekuvapuruzira zvakanyanya. Mwanakomana wavo “mukomana akanaka,” “mukomana anoteerera,” “mukomana anozvibata zvakanaka,” uye kazhinji mukomana anokanganisika mukukura kwepfungwa uye anoramba ari “mwana” kwenguva refu. Mune ramangwana, murume akadaro ungochani anoramba ari "mwanakomana wamai." Asi amai vane simba, avo zvakadaro vanoona mumukomana wavo "murume chaiye" uye achida kuita murume kubva maari, haazombomutsa "mwanakomana wamai." Izvi zvinoshandawo kuhukama pakati pababa nemwanasikana. Anotonga (anonyanya kudzivirira, kushushikana, nezvimwewo) amai, vasingazive kushandura mukomana kuita murume, vasingazive zvinobatsira mukukanganisa kwehunhu hwepfungwa. Kazhinji iye haatombo fungidzira maitiro ekugadzira murume kubva mukomana, asina muenzaniso wakanaka weizvi mumhuri yake. Anotsvaga kumuita mukomana ane hunhu hwakanaka, kana kuti amusunge kwaari kana akasurukirwa uye asina dziviriro (saamai vamwe vakatora mwanakomana wavo kunorara naye kusvika zera regumi nemaviri).

Muchidimbu, kudzidza nezveungochani kunoratidza kukosha kwekuti vabereki vane pfungwa dzakanaka nezvehurume uye humhandara. Muzviitiko zvakawanda, zvakadaro, kusanganiswa kwekutarisa kwevabereki vaviri kunoisa chikamu chebudiriro yeungochani (van den Aardweg, 1984).

Mumwe anogona kubvunza, ko hunhu hwechikadzi hwemurume ungochani uye vanhurume lesbians ndidzo prerequisites yekubuda kweungochani? Muzviitiko zvakawanda, vakomana vasati varoora kana murume vanoita zvechisimba vakanyanya kana kushomeka vakadzi. Zvakare, vazhinji (asi kwete vese) vasikana vasati varoora kana vakadzi vane zvimwe kana zvishoma zvinonzi masculine emhando. Nekudaro, kunyange iyi "yechikadzi" kana iyi "masculinity" inogona kunzi inotsanangura. Chinhu, sezvatichaona gare gare, kuzviona kwemwana. Kunyangwe mune zviitiko zvinoramba zvichibata zvevakadzi muvakomana, zvinonzi "mukomana-mukomana chirwere," chete vana 2 / 3 vana vakagadzira fungidziro dzeungochani kuita kuyaruka, uye vamwe vakasunungurwa kubva kuhukadzi hunooneka, vachiva vakuru (Green, 1985, 1987). Nenzira, mhedzisiro iyi inopindirana nepfungwa yekuti mune dzakawanda nyaya dzeungochani dzinoitika panguva yekutanga kwekuyaruka uye mukati mayo, asi kwete achiri mudiki.

Atypical kesi

Kunyangwe chokwadi chekuti chiitiko chinowanzoitika chevacheche kune vakawanda ngochani hwaive hukama hwakaipa nemubereki wevakadzi vavo, hwaiwanzo kuperekedzwa nehukama husina hutano nemubereki wevakadzi / murume kana musikana (kunyanya pakati pevanhurume), izvi hazvinganzi nenzira yakajairika. Vamwe varume vanoita ngochani vane hukama hwakanaka nemadzitateguru avo, vakanzwa kuti vaidiwa uye vanokosheswa; sezvakangoita vamwe vatengesi vehukama vaive nehukama hwakanaka naamai vavo (Howard, 1991, 83). Asi kunyangwe hukama hwakadaro husina magariro hunogona kutora chikamu mukuvandudzwa kweungochani.

Semuenzaniso, wechidiki ungochani, zvishoma zvevakadzi mutsika, akarerwa nababa vane rudo uye vanonzwisisa. Anoyeuka achimhanyira kumba mushure mekuchikoro, kwaainzwa kumanikidzwa uye aisakwanisa kutaura nevezera (iro danho rekusarudza!). "Kumba" kwake kwaive nzvimbo kwaaisakwanisa kuve naamai vake, sekufunga kwaungaita, asi nababa vake, vaaifamba navo mumhuka dzinovaraidza uye vaaifunga kuti vakachengeteka. Baba vake vaisave vasina kusimba mhando yataitoziva, vaaisazoda "kuzvizivisa" navo - zvakapesana chaizvo. Vaive amai vake vaive vasina kusimba uye vaitya uye vasina kuita chinzvimbo chakakosha muhudiki hwake. Baba vake vaive neushingi uye vakatsunga, uye vakamunamata. Chinhu chakakosha muhukama hwavo ndechekuti baba vake vakamupa basa remusikana uye mukadzi, asingakwanise kuzvidzivirira mune ino nyika. Baba vake vaimudzora zvine hushamwari, saka ivo vaiwirirana chaizvo. Mafungiro ababa kwaari akasikwa maari, kana kuti akabatsira mukusikwa, kwemaonero akadaro kwaari, maakazviona seasina dziviriro uye asingabatsiri, uye asina ushingi uye akasimba. Semunhu mukuru, akaramba achitendeukira kushamwari dzababa vake kuti vamutsigire. Nekudaro, zvido zvake zvekukwezva zvakanangana nemajaya panzvimbo pevakuru, vanababa, mhando dzevarume.

Mumwe muenzaniso. Anochani-anotaridzika ngochani kwemakore angangoita makumi mana nemashanu haugone kubata chinokonzera dambudziko muhukama hwake hwehukama nababa vake. Baba vake vaigara vari shamwari yavo, mudzidzisi mune zvemitambo uye wakanaka muenzaniso wechirume pabasa uye hukama neveruzhinji. Nei ipapo asina "kuzvizivisa" iye nehukama hwababa vake? Dambudziko rese riri muna amai. Aive mukadzi anodada, asingagutsikane nemagariro emurume wake. Ainyanya kudzidza uye achiuya kubva pakumushamarari kwakashata kupfuura iye (aive mushandi), aigara achimunyadzisa nekwaakataura zvisingaite uye nekutuka. Mwanakomana aigara achidemba baba vake. Akazivana naye, asi kwete nemaitiro ake, nekuti mai vake vakamudzidzisa kuva akasiyana. Kuve anodiwa naamai vake, aifanira kumugadzirira kumushungurudza kumurume wake. Izvo hazvina kumbokurudzira maitiro ehurume, kunze kweavo anobatsira kuwana kuzivikanwa munharaunda. Aifanira kunatswa uye kuve akasarudzika. Kunyangwe aive nehutano hwakanaka nababa vake, aigara achinyara nehunhu hwake. Ini ndinofunga kuti kuvenga kwaamai nababa uye kusaremekedza kwavo basa rababa uye chiremera chavo chakava chikonzero chikuru chekushomeka kwemwanakomana kudada.

Rudzi urwu rwehukama hwaamai hunoonekwa se "kutema" hunhu hwemukomana, uye tinogona kubvumirana neizvi - nechirevo chekuti hazvireve kuda chaiko kwaFreudian kwaamai kucheka urume hwenyoka yavo kana hwemwanakomana. Saizvozvovo, baba vanonyadzisa mukadzi wavo vana varipo vanoparadza ruremekedzo rwavo kumukadzi saizvozvi. Kuremekedza kwake bonde rechikadzi kunogona kuverengerwa kumwanasikana wake. Nemafungiro avo akashata kuvakadzi, vanababa vanogona kudzidzisa vanasikana vavo maitiro akashata kwavari nekuramba hunhu hwavo. Zvimwechetezvo, vanaamai, nemafungiro avo akashata pamusoro pechirume chinzvimbo chemurume kana kuvarume vese, vanogona kumutsa mukati mevanakomana vavo maonero akashata ehurume hwavo.

Kune varume vanoita zveungochani avo, semwana mudiki, vakanzwa rudo rwababa, asi vakashaya dziviriro yababa. Vamwe baba, vakatarisana nematambudziko ehupenyu, vakatsvaga rutsigiro kubva kumwanakomana wavo, izvo zvakaonekwa semutoro unorema, sezvo iye pachake aida rutsigiro kubva kuna baba vane simba. Vabereki nevana vanochinja nzvimbo muzviitiko zvakadaro, semuchiitiko chevaya vanoita zvevabonde avo muhudiki vaimanikidzwa kutamba chinzvimbo chaamai kuna amai vavo. Muhukama hwakadai, musikana anonzwa kuti anoshaya kutora chikamu kwemadzimai mumatambudziko ake akajairwa uye nekusimbiswa kwekuzvivimba kwake kwechikadzi, izvo zvakakosha panguva yekuyaruka.

Zvimwe zvinhu: hukama hwevamwe

Tine zviverengero zvinogutsa pahukama muhucheche hweungochani nevabereki vavo. Izvo zvave zvichiratidzwa zvakadzokororwa kuti, pamusoro pehukama husina hutano naamai, varume veungochani vaive nehukama hwakashata nababa vavo, uye ngochani dzaive nehukama hwakaipisisa naamai vavo kupfuura vakadzi vanoita bonde kana vakadzi vanoita zvepabonde neurasthenics. Panguva imwecheteyo, zvinofanirwa kuyeukwa kuti zvinhu zvevabereki uye zvedzidzo zvinongogadzirira, zvinopa mukana, asi hazvisi zvekuita. Mhedzisiro yekukonzera ungochani muvarume haisi yekunamatira amai kana kurambwa nababa, kunyangwe hazvo humbowo hwemamiriro akadaro muzvidzidzo zvevarwere vehudiki. Lesbianism haisi mhedzisiro yakanangana yekunzwa kwekurambwa naamai, kunyangwe kuwanda kwechinhu ichi muhudiki. (Izvi zviri nyore kuona kana iwe uchifunga nezve vakawanda vanhukadzi vakura, avo, muhudiki, vakasanganawo nekurambwa nemubereki wavo wechikadzi mumwechete kana vakatosiiwa naye. Pakati pematsotsi nevadariki vechidiki, unogona kuwana vazhinji vakatambura nemamiriro akafanana, pamwe nepakati pevane mitezo yevatano.)

Saka, ungochani haubatanidzwe nehukama hwemwana uye nababa kana nemwana uye amai, asi nehukama nevezera. (Pamatafura eenhamba uye kuongororwa ona van den Aardweg, 1986, 78, 80; Nicolosi, 1991, 63). Nehurombo, pesvedzero yemaitiro echinyakare mu psychoanalyst nekuda kwayo kwega kwehukama hukama pakati pevabereki nemwana huchiri hukuru kwazvo zvekuti vashoma chete vafundisi vanotora iyi data data zvakaringana.

Nekudaro, hukama hwevezera rako hunogona kukanganisa zvakanyanya chinhu chakanyanya kukosha: chiono cheachiri kuyaruka chehurume kana hukadzi. Kuzvionera kwemusikana, semuenzaniso, pamusoro pezvinhu zvakaita sekusachengeteka muhukama hwake naamai vake, kunyanyisa kana kukwana kukwana kubva kuna baba vake, zvinogona zvakare kukanganiswa nekunyombwa nevezera, kunzwa kwekunyadziswa muhukama nehama, kusagadzikana, "kushata" - ndiko kuti, kuzvifunga seasina kunaka uye asingakwezve mumaziso evakomana panguva yekuyaruka, kana kuenzaniswa nenhengo dzemhuri nevakomana kana vasikana ("imi mese muri babamunini"). Zviitiko zvakashata zvakadaro zvinogona kutungamira kune yakaoma, inokurukurwa pazasi.

Wechirume / mukadzi kuderera kweakaoma

“Maonero eAmerica ehurume! "Pane zvinhu zvinoverengeka pasi pedenga izvo zvinonyanya kunzwisisika, kana, pandakanga ndiri mudiki, zvakanetsa kuregerera." Nemashoko aya, ngochani mutema uye munyori James Baldwin (1985, 678) akataura manzwiro ekusagutsikana naye nekuti aizviona semunhu akundikana nekuda kwekushaikwa kwemurume. Akazvidza zvaaisakwanisa kunzwisisa. Ndainzwa kunge ndakabatwa nehunhu hwechisimba uhu, akadzingwa - akaderera, mushoko. Maonero ake e "American masculinity" akatsauswa nekushushikana uku. Ehezve, kune mafomu akawedzeredzwa - hunhu hwemaziso kana "hutsinye" pakati pematsotsi - ayo anogona kutaridzika se "hunhu" chaihwo nevanhu vasina kukura. Asi kune zvakare kushinga kune hutano hwechirume, uye hunyanzvi mumitambo, uye kukwikwidza, kutsungirira - hunhu hwakapesana nekushaya simba, kuzvifadza pachako, tsika dze "chembere" kana hunhu. Paaive achiri kuyaruka, Baldwin akanzwa kushayikwa kwezvinhu zvakanaka zvehurume nevezera rake, pamwe kuchikoro chesekondari, panguva yekuyaruka:

"Chaizvoizvo ndaive chishuwo ... kudzidza kwangu uye chimiro chidiki chakandirwisa. Uye ndakatambura. " Akasekwa ne "zvipembenene maziso" uye "musikana", asi aisaziva nzira yekuzvimiririra. Baba vake vakatadza kumutsigira, zvaari iye munhu asina simba. Baldwin akarerwa naamai vake naambuya, uye pakange pasina chinhu chechirume muhupenyu hwemwana wekurera uyu. Pfungwa yake yekure kure nenyika yevarume yakawedzera paakaziva kuti baba vake vaive vasiri vake. Maonero ake ehupenyu anogona kuratidzwa mumazwi anoti: "Vakomana vese, vakashinga kupfuura ini, vanopesana neni." Zita rake remadunhurirwa rekuti "baba" rinongotaura nezve izvi: kwete kuti aive musikana chaiye, asi murume wekunyepedzera, murume akaderera. Ichi chinenge chinoreva zvakafanana neshoko rekuti "kushaya simba", chena, semusikana, asingarwi, asi anotiza. Baldwin aigona kupa mhosva "kuAmerica" ​​zvechirume nekuda kwezviitiko izvi, asi ngochani kutenderera pasirese dzinoshora hunhu hwetsika dzavanogara nekuti vanogara vachinzwa sevakaderera mune izvi. Nechikonzero chimwe chete ichi, ngochani dzinozvidza izvo ivo, kuburikidza neruzivo rwakashata, vanoona zvisirizvo se "hukadzi hwakatemwa": "madhirezi, kukosha kwekufarira chete mudzimba dzezuva nezuva, kuva musikana akanaka, akanaka," sekutaura kwakaita mumwe mukadzi wechiDutch. Kunzwa kushomeka semurume kana kushomeka kwevakadzi pane vamwe kwakadzikira kusanzwisisika kune vanhu vane ngochani.

Sezvineiwo, vechidiki vasati vangoita ungochani havangonzwi "vakasiyana" (verenga: "vakaderera"), asi ivo vanowanzozvibata zvakashinga (zvechikadzi) kupfuura vezera ravo uye vane zvido zvisirizvo zvevakadzi vavo. Hunhu hwavo kana hunhu hwavo hunhu ari atypical nekuda kwekukura kana hukama nevabereki. Zvave zvichiratidzwa zvakadzokororwa kuti kushomeka kwehunhu hwechirume muhucheche nekuyaruka, kunoratidzwa mukutya kukuvara mumuviri, kusagadzikana, kusada kutora chikamu mumitambo yavanofarira yevakomana vese (nhabvu muEurope neLatin America, baseball muUSA) ndiyo yekutanga uye yakakosha chokwadi. iyo inosangana neungochani hwechirume. Zvido zveLesbian zvakaderera "zvevakadzi" pane vamwe vasikana (ona zviverengero na van den Aardweg, 1986). Hockenberry naBillingham (1987) vakapedzisa kutaura kuti "ndiko kusavapo kwehurume, uye kwete kuvepo kwehunhu hwechikadzi, kuti kupfuura zvese kunokanganisa kuumbwa kweanotevera ungochani (murume)." Mukomana aive nehupenyu baba vake aive musipo, uye simba rake rekubereka raive rakanyanya, haigoni kukura kwehurume. Mutemo uyu, pamwe nezvimwe zvakasiyana, zvinoshanda muhupenyu hwevakawanda ngochani. Zvinozivikanwa kuti pahudiki havana kumbobvira varota zvekuve mapurisa, vasina kutora chikamu mumitambo yevakomana, havana kuzvifungidzira kuva vatambi vane mukurumbira, vasingafarire nyaya dzechiitiko, nezvimwe. (Hockenberry uye Billingham, 1987). Nekuda kweizvozvo, vakanzwa kushomekana kwavo pachavo pakati pevezera. Lesbians muudiki vakanzwa kujairika kusakwana kwehunhu hwavo. Izvi zvinoitirwazve nekunzwa kweumwe wakashata, izvo zvinonzwisisika. Munguva yakatangira kuyaruka, uye panguva iyo pachayo, wechidiki anovandudza pfungwa yake, yechinzvimbo chake pakati pevezera - ndiri wavo here? Kumufananidza nevamwe zvakanyanya kupfuura chero chinhu chipi zvacho chinosarudza zano rake rehunhu. Mumwe wechidiki anodanana nengochani akazvishingisa kuti akange asati amboona hunhu, kuti maonero ake ehupenyu aigara achifara. Chinhu chete icho, mumaonero ake, chaimunetsa - kwaive kurambwa kwemaitiro ake nevanhu. Mushure meimwe kuzviratidzira, akasimbisa kuti airarama hupenyu hwekusagadzikana muudiki uye akanzwa akachengeteka nevabereki vese (avo vaimutarisira zvakanyanya), asi chete kutanga kwekuyaruka. Aive neshamwari nhatu dzaakange ave shamwari naye kubvira achiri mudiki. Paaikura, akazviona achiwedzerwa uye aparadzaniswa navo, nekuti vaiwedzerana kudanana pane iye. Zvavanofarira zvakagadziriswa munzira yemitambo ine hukasha, nhaurirano dzavo dzaive dzemisoro "yechirume" - vasikana nemitambo, uye aisakwanisa kuenderera navo. Akayedza kuverengerwa naye, achitamba semumwe munhu anofara, anokwanisa kuseka chero munhu kuseka, kuti angokwevera hanya kwaari.

Apa ndipo pane chinhu chikuru chinorara: akanzwa zvisingaite semurume mune shamwari dzake. Kumba aive akachengeteka, akarerwa semukomana "akanyarara" ane "hunhu hwakanaka", amai vake vaigara vachidada nehunhu hwavo hwakanaka. Haana kumboita nharo; "Unofanira kugara wakachengeta rugare" raive rairo raifarirwa naamai vake. Akazoona kuti aitya gakava zvakanyanya. Mamiriro ezvinhu aive nerunyararo uye hunyoro akaumbwa aive "ane hushamwari" uye aisatendera zvakashata manzwiro emunhu kuratidza.

Mumwe ungochani akakura naamai vaivenga zvese zvaiita kunge "zvine hukasha" kwaari. Iye haana kumutendera iye "ane hukasha" matoyi akadai semauto, mota dzemauto kana matangi; yakabatanidza kukosha kwakanyanya kune dzakasiyana njodzi dzinofungidzirwa kuti dzaimuperekedza kwese kwese; yakanga iine hunhu hwakaipisisa hwezvitendero zvisiri zvechisimba. Hazvishamisi kuti mwanakomana wemukadzi murombo asina kugadzikana uyu akakura akashushikana, achivimba, achitya uye asinganetseke. Akabvisirwa kusangana nevamwe vakomana, uye aigona kutaura chete neumwe kana vaviri shamwari dzinonyara, ivo vekunze saiye. Pasina kupinda zvakadzama mukuongororwa kwezvido zvake zveungochani, tinoona kuti akatanga kukwezva ne "nyika ine njodzi asi inofadza" yemauto, avo vaaigara achiona vachisiya dzimba dzepedyo. Ivo vaive varume vakasimba vaigara munyika isingazivikanwe, inoshamisira nyika. Icho chokwadi chekuti aifadzwa navo chinotaura, pakati pezvimwe zvinhu, nezve ake akasarudzika echirume masikirwo. Wese mukomana anoda kuve murume, musikana wese mukadzi, uye izvi zvakakosha zvekuti kana ivo vachinzwa kwavo kusakodzera mune ino yakakosha nzvimbo yehupenyu, ivo vanotanga kunamata vamwe vanhu masculity uye hukadzi.

Kujekesa, isu tinosiyanisa maviri akapatsanuka matanho mukukudziridza kwekunzwa ungochani. Chekutanga kugadzirwa kwe "kuyambuka-murume nemukadzi" maitiro mukufarira uye maitiro, yechipiri kuomarara kwehurume / mukadzi kushomeka (kana kuomarara kwekuderera kwevakadzi), izvo zvinogona, asi kwete hazvo, kusimuka pahwaro hwetsika idzi. Mushure mezvose, ngazvive sezvazvinogona, kune vakomana vechikadzi uye vasikana vechirume vasina kumbove ngochani.

Kupfuurirazve, murume / mukadzi kushomeka kunetseka kazhinji hakuumbi zvachose kana pamberi kana panguva yekuyaruka. Mwana anokwanisa kuratidza hunhu-hwepabonde kunyangwe mumakadhi epasi echikoro, uye, achirangarira izvi, ngochani anogona kududzira izvi seuchapupu hwekuti anga agara akadaro - zvisinei, fungidziro iyi haina kunaka. Hazvigoneke kutaura nezve "ungochani" kudzamara chiso chaburitsa pachena kugadzikana kwekusakwanira kwako semurume kana mukadzi (mukomana kana musikana), zvakabatanidzwa nekuzviteedzera (ona pazasi) uye fungidziro dzehomoerotic. Iyo fomu inojekesa panguva yekuyaruka, zvishoma kazhinji zvisati zvaitika. Ndimo mukuyaruka uko vazhinji vanoenda kuburikidza nehupenyu-kosi iyo inonyanya kutaurwa nezvayo mune dzidziso dzekusimudzira kuziva. Pamberi pekuyaruka, seizvo ngochani zhinji zvinopupura, hupenyu hunoratidzika kunge hwakareruka uye hunofadza. Ipapo nzvimbo yemukati yakafukidzwa nemakore kwenguva yakareba.

Vakomana vasati vangoita ngochani kazhinji vanonyanya kuve nehukama, vakapfava, vanotya, vasina simba, nepo vasikana vasati vasangana nevarume vane hukasha, vane simba, "vane sango" kana vanozvimiririra. Kana vana ava vangosvika zera rekuyaruka, hunhu uhwu, zvikuru nekuda kwebasa ravakadzidziswa (semuenzaniso, "anotaridzika semukomana"), zvinobva zvabatsira mukusimudzira kushomeka kwavo mukati mevakadzi kana vachizvienzanisa nevamwe vechidiki vechirume chimwe chete. Panguva imwecheteyo, mukomana asinganzwe hunhu maari haazvibatanidze naye, uye musikana asinganzwe hukadzi hwake haashingi kuzvizivisa nehunhu hwechikadzi. Munhu anoedza kunzvenga zvaainzwa akaderera mukati. Nekudaro, hazvigone kutaurwa nezvemusikana ari kuyaruka asingade kutamba nezvidhori kana kazhinji kudzivisa mabasa echikadzi, kuti ane chinongedzo chevabonde. Ndiani anoda kugutsa vechidiki kuti hungochani hwavo hwakafanorongerwa, zvinokonzeresa njodzi kune avo pfungwa uye vanoita kusarongeka kukuru!

Kupedzisa mufananidzo wezvinhu zvinokonzeresa kukura kwehukadzi hwevakadzi, tinoona kuti kuzvienzanisa nehama dzebonde rako kunogona kuita basa rakakosha mune izvi. Mumamiriro ezvinhu akadaro, mukomana ndiye "musikana" pakati pehama dzake, uye musikana ndiye "mukomana" pakati pehanzvadzi. Uyezve, maonero ako pachako sechinhu chakajairika akajairika. Iye mukomana anofunga kuti kumeso kwake kwakanyanya kutsvinda kana kuti "girlish", kana kuti haana kusimba, akasindimara, nezvimwewo, sekufunga kunoita musikana kuti chimiro chake hachisi chevakadzi, kuti anonetsekana, kana mafambiro ake haana kunaka, nezvimwe.

Kuzvifananidza wega uye kuumbwa kwekusagadzikana kwakaoma

Ungochani hachisi chokwadi zvachose nekuda kwekutyora kana kushaya hukama nemubereki kana murume kana murume / murume kana murume kana murume kana murume kana musikana kana murume kana murume kana murume kana musikana, kana murume kana murume kana murume kana musikana kana murume kana murume kana murume kana musikana asingatombo tendekeri Kutanga, hukama hwakadaro hunowanzo kucherechedzwa munhoroondo ye pedophiles uye humwe hukama hwepabonde (Mor et al., 1964, 6i, 140). Zvakare, vazhinji vanoita ungochani vaive nehukama humwe nevabereki vavo. Chechipiri, sezvakataurwa pamusoro apa, tsika dzesikarudzi uye zvido hazvidi kutungamira kuchingochani.

Nekudaro, iyo yekuderera kwevakadzi inogona kutora mafomu mazhinji, uye fungidziro dzinogadzirwa nazvo dzinogona kunangidzirwa kwete chete kune vadiki kana vakuru nhengo dzebonde rimwe chete, asiwo kuvana vebonde rimwe chete (ngochani bonde), uye pamwe nenhengo dzevasikana. Mukadzi anoda, semuenzaniso, anowanzo kuve munhu ari kutambura kubva kune imwe yemhando dzeyakaomarara yekushomeka kwevakadzi. Chinhu chakakosha pane ungochani kufungidzira. Uye fungidziro dzakaumbwa nekuzvionera-wega, maonero evamwe (zvinoenderana nehunhu hwavo hwechikadzi), uye zviitiko zvisina kujairika sekutsanangura kushamwaridzana nevanhu uye kuratidzwa kwekuyaruka. Kuderera kwepabonde kwakaomarara idombo rekutsika kuenda kune dzakawanda fungidziro dzepabonde dzinogadzirwa nekushushikana.

Kunzwa kusakwana kwehurume hwako kana hukadzi uchienzaniswa nevezera rako vebonde rakafanana nekunzwa kwekusava wako. Vazhinji vakomana vasati vangoita ngochani vaifunga kuti "havasi vavo" vanababa, vakoma, kana vamwe vakomana, uye vasikana vasati vangoita ngochani vanonzwa kuti havasi "veavo" vanaamai, hanzvadzi, kana vamwe vasikana. Kuongorora kwaGreen's (1987) kunogona kuratidza kukosha kweshoko rekuti "ndewe" hunhu hwehunhu uye hunhu hunosimbisa bonde: emapatya maviri akafanana, mumwe anova ungochani uye mumwe wacho murume kana mukadzi. Wekupedzisira akatumidzwa zvakafanana nababa vavo.

Kunzwa kwe "zvisiri zvako", kuderera uye kusurukirwa zvakabatana. Mubvunzo ndewokuti, manzwiro aya anotungamira sei kuzvishuvo zveungochani? Kuti unzwisise izvi, zvinodikanwa kujekesa pfungwa ye "inferiency yakaoma."

Mwana neachiri kuyaruka vanopindura zvavo kune manzwiro ekuderera uye "asiri emunhu" nekuzvinzwira tsitsi uye kuita-wega mutambo. Mukati, vanozviona sevanhu vakasuruvara, vanonzwisa tsitsi, zvisikwa zvisina mufaro. Izwi rekuti "kuzvimisikidza" nderechokwadi, nekuti rinoratidzira chishuwo chemwana chekuzviona senzvimbo inosiririsa yezvose. "Hapana anondinzwisisa", "hapana munhu anondida", "munhu wese ari kupokana neni", "hupenyu hwangu huri kutambura" - mukomana mudiki haagamuchire uye haagone kugamuchira kusuwa uku, haanzwisise kuenderana kwaro kana kusazviona sechimwe chinhu chinopfuura. Iwo ekuzvinzwira-tsitsi kuita kwakasimba kwazvo uye kuri nyore kwazvo kuuregedza nekuti une zvinyararire, zvakanyanya senge tsitsi dzinowanikwa kubva kune vamwe munguva yekusuwa. Kuzvidemba kunodziya, kunodzikama, nekuti pane chimwe chinhu chinotapira mairi. "Pane chimwe chinhu chakanyanyisa pamusoro pekuchema," sekutaura kwanyanduri wekare Ovid ("Kusuwa Elegies"). Mwana kana achiri kuyaruka anozvifunga se "murombo ini" anogona kupindwa muropa nehunhu hwakadai, kunyanya kana achitizira maari uye asina chero munhu anonzwisisa, rutsigiro uye kuvimba anogona kumubatsira kukurira matambudziko ake. Kuzvimisikidza-pachako kunowanzoitika mukuyaruka, kana wechidiki achinzwa zviri nyore kunge gamba, rakakosha, rakasarudzika kunyangwe mukutambura. Kana kupindwa muropa nekuzvinzwira tsitsi kukapfuurira, ipapo chinetso chakadai chinomuka, ndiko kuti, kushomeka kwakaomarara. Tsika yekufunga "murombo akaremara ini" yakagadzika mupfungwa. Ndiwo "murombo" uyu aripo mupfungwa yemumwe munhu anonzwa kusiri murume, asina hunhu, kusurukirwa uye "asiri we" vezera ravo.

Pakutanga, kuzvinzwira tsitsi kunoita senge mushonga wakanaka, asi nenguva isipi anotanga kuita kunge mushonga wekurapa. Panguva ino, iye nokusaziva akave tsika yekuzvinyaradza, rudo rwakadzama rwega. Hupenyu hwepfungwa hwakave hwekuita neurotic: inotsamira pakuzvinzwira tsitsi. Nekuda kwehukama, hwakasimba egotsirism yemwana kana ari kuyaruka, izvi zvinoramba zvichingoerekana zvaitika kusvika pakuvhiringidzwa kubva kune mumwe munhu anoda nekusimbisa kubva kunze kwenyika. Evha akadaro anoramba aripo akakuvadzwa, murombo, achizvinzwira tsitsi, anogara ari mwana. Maonero ese, kuedza uye zvishuwo zve "mwana wekare" zvakasanganiswa mune ino "hurombo yehupenyu."

Izvo "zvakaoma" saka zvinodyisa kuzvidzora kwenguva refu, kunyunyuta kwemukati nezve iwe pachako. Iko hakuna kuomarara pasina uyu wechidiki (wechidiki) kuzvidzora. Kunzwa kwekuderera kunogona kunge kuri kwenguva pfupi, asi ivo vacharamba vachirarama kana kuzvinzwira tsitsi kwakadzika midzi, uye kazhinji kuchave kutsva uye kusimba pamakore gumi neshanu sezvavaive pamashanu. "Complex" zvinoreva kuti kunzwa kwekushomeka kwave kungozvimiririra, kudzokororwa, kugara kuchishanda, kwakanyanya panguva uye kushoma pane imwe. Pfungwa, munhu anoramba ari mwana mumwe chete kana wechidiki sezvaaive, uye anomira kukura, kana kukura aine dambudziko munzvimbo dzinotongwa nemanzwiro ekuzvitarisira pasi. Kune ngochani, iyi inzvimbo yekuzviongorora maererano nehunhu hwechikadzi uye hunhu hunoenderana nehunhu.

Sevatakuri vekushomeka kwakaomarara, ngochani dzisingazive dzinozvinzwira tsitsi "vechidiki". Kugunun'una nezve mamiriro epfungwa kana epanyama, nezve mafungire asina kunaka evamwe vanhu pamusoro pako, nezve hupenyu, ramangwana, uye nharaunda ndizvo zvinozivikanwa nevazhinji vavo, pamwe neevaya vanoita basa remunhu anogara achifara. Semutemo, ivo pachavo havazive nezve kwavo kuvimba nekuzvinzwira tsitsi. Ivo vanoona kunyunyuta kwavo sekururamiswa, asi kwete sekuenderera kubva pakudikanwa kwekunyunyuta uye kuzvinzwira tsitsi. Uku kudiwa kwekutambudzika nekutambudzwa kwakasiyana. Pfungwa, ichi ndicho chinonzi quasi-chinodikanwa, chinamato kumufaro wezvichemo uye kuzvidzora, kutamba chinosuwisa.

Zvakaoma kune vanorapa uye vanoita zveungochani kuti vanzwisise epakati neurotic maitiro ekunyunyuta uye kuzvinzwira tsitsi. Kazhinji kazhinji, avo vakanzwa nezve pfungwa yekuzvinzwira urombo, funga fungidziro yacho zvimwe vasingazive kuti kusaziva chinhu chisina hunhu kuzvinzwira tsitsi kunogona kuve kwakakosha zvakanyanya mukusimudzira ungochani. Chinowanzorangarirwa uye chinowiriranwa pamwe nekutsanangurwa kwakadai inyaya ye "pfungwa yekuzvidzika", asi kwete "kuzvinzwira tsitsi". Pfungwa yekukosha kwekukanganisa kweusina kukwana kwehurombo hwehuropi uye ungochani inyowani chaizvo; pamwe nyangwe kutanga unofunga. Nekudaro, kana iwe uchifunga nezvazvo zvakanaka uye ndokufananidza pamwe nekuona kwako pachako, unogona kuve nechokwadi chekushandisa kwayo kwakanyanya kujekesa mamiriro ezvinhu.

3. Kukwezva kweungochani

Tsvaga rudo uye kudanana

"Nzara yemanzwiro pakubata nevarume," anodaro Green (1987, 377), "zvinowedzera kutsvaga kutsvaga kwevanhurume kudanana uye kudanana kweungochani." Vazhinji vaongorori vemazuva ano wedambudziko reungochani vasvika pamhedziso iyi. Izvi ndezvechokwadi kana iwe uchifunga nezve yakaoma yekushomeka kwevanhurume uye kuzvidzora. Chokwadi, mukomana airwadziwa kushaya ruremekedzo uye kutarisirwa nababa vake, mune dzimwe nguva - mukoma (vake) kana vezera rake, izvo zvakaita kuti anzwe achinyadziswa kune vamwe vakomana. Izvo zvinokonzeresa kudiwa kwerudo iko iko kudikanwa kwekuve wepanyika yechirume, yekucherechedzwa uye hushamwari hweavo vari pazasi vaanonzwa.

Asi, kana tanzwisisa izvi, tinofanirwa kudzivisa rusaruro rwunozivikanwa. Pane fungidziro yekuti vanhu vasina kugamuchira rudo muhudiki uye vakashungurudzwa nepfungwa neizvi vanokwanisa kuporesa maronda emweya nekuzadza kushaya rudo. Nzira dzakasiyana-siyana dzekurapa dzinovakirwa pachivakwa ichi. Kwete nyore.

Kutanga, hazvisi izvo zvakanyanya kushomeka kwerudo izvo zvakakosha zvakanyanya, asi maonero emwana nezvazvo - uye anozviisa pasi nedudziro. Vana vanogona kuturikira zvisirizvo hunhu hwevabereki vavo, uye, nehunhu hwavo hwekutevedzera zvese, vanogona kufungidzira kuti havadiwe, uye vabereki vavo vanotyisa, uye vese vari mumweya mumwe. Ngwarira kutora iyo yevechidiki maonero ekurera semutongo wakanangana!

Uyezve, "kusava nerudo" hakuna kuzadzwa nekudzururwa kuri nyore kwerudo mavari. Uye achigutsikana kuti iyi ndiyo mhinduro yedambudziko, achiri kuyaruka anonzwa kusurukirwa kana kunyadziswa anofunga kuti: "Kana ndikawana rudo rwandinorasikirwa zvikuru, ndinopedzisira ndafara." Asi, kana tikabvuma dzidziso yakadai, ticharasikirwa neyakakosha pfungwa yechokwadi: kuvapo kwetsika yekuzvinzwira tsitsi. Mwana asati ayaruka kuzvinzwira tsitsi, rudo runogona kubatsira kukunda kusagutsikana kwake. Asi achangosvika iwo mafungiro e "murombo" atadzika, kutsvaga kwake rudo hakuchisiri kurudziro inovaka uye inorapa, ine chinangwa chekudzora kutendeka. Uku kutsvagurudza kunova chikamu chehunhu hwekuzvishamisira: "Handifi ndakawana rudo rwandinoda!" Desire ndiye zvisingagone uye kugutsikana kwake hakusvikiki. Kutsvaga kweane-ngochani rudo inyota isingagutsikane kudzamara sosi yaoma, maitiro kune iwe pachako se "asina mufaro wega." Kunyangwe Oscar Wilde akachema-chema nenzira iyi: "Ndakagara ndichitsvaga rudo, asi ndakawana chete vadikani." Amai vevabonde vakazvipira vakati, "Hupenyu hwake hwese, Helen anga achitsvaga rudo," asi zvirokwazvo haana kuzviwana (Hanson 1965, 189). Nei zvakadaro? Nekuti ini ndaive ndakapedzwa nekuzvinzwira tsitsi nekuda kwechikonzero icho vaisamuda vamwe vakadzi. Mune mamwe mazwi, aive "ane shungu kuyaruka." Ngochani dzerudo ngano idzo idrama. Vazhinji vanodanana, kushoma kugutsikana kune anorwara.

Iyi pseudo-yekudzora michina inoshanda nenzira yakafanana mune vamwe vanhu vanotsvaga hushamwari, uye vazhinji vetsiva vanoziva izvi. Semuenzaniso, mumwe mukadzi mudiki aive nevanovada akati wandei, uye kwavari vese vaimiririra mufananidzo wababa vane hanya. Zvaiita sekuti mumwe nemumwe wavo aimubata zvisina kunaka, nekuti aigara achizvidemba nekuda kwekuti aisadiwa (hukama hwake nababa vake hwakava hwokutanga hwekusimudzirwa kwesimba rake). Kushamwaridzana kungaporesa sei munhu anonetseka nepfungwa inoshungurudza ye “kurambwa” kwake?

Iko kutsvaga kwerudo senzira yekunyaradza kurwadziwa kwepfungwa kunogona kungoita uye kusavimbika. Mumwe munhu anoonekwa chete senge munhu anofanira kuda "ini ndisingafare". Uku kukumbira rudo, kwete rudo rukuru. A ngochani anganzwa sekunge anokwezva, ane rudo uye ane mutoro, asi pachokwadi uyu unongori mutambo wekukwezva mumwe. Zvese izvi ndezvemanzwiro uye nekunyanyisa narcissism.

Ungochani "rudo"

"Rudo" mune iyi nyaya inofanirwa kuiswa mumazwi ekutora. Nekuti harusi rudo rwechokwadi, sekudanana kwemurume nemukadzi (mukukura kwayo kwakanaka) kana rudo mune hushamwari chaihwo. Muchokwadi, uku ndiko kufunga kwevachiri kuyaruka - "puppy rudo" pamwe neshungu dzerudo.

Vamwe vanhu vane hanya zvakanyanya vanogona kugumburwa nehunhu uhwu, asi ichokwadi. Neraki, vamwe vanhu vanoona zvichibatsira kutarisana nechokwadi chekuporesa. Saka, achinzwa izvi, mumwe wechidiki ungochani, semuenzaniso, akaziva kuti aive neyakaomarara yekushomeka kwevanhurume. Asi kana zvasvika pamanoveli ake, aive asina kana chokwadi chekuti aigona kurarama asina zvikamu zvisina kurongeka zve "rudo" izvo zvakaita kuti hupenyu hukwane. Zvichida rudo urwu rwaive rwusiri rwekufunga, asi…. Ndakamutsanangurira kuti rudo rwake rwakachena rwehucheche, kuzvidzora-kuzvifadza, uye nekudaro kunyepedzera. Akatsamwiswa, zvakanyanya nekuti aive achizvikudza uye achizvikudza. Nekudaro, mwedzi mishoma gare gare, akandidaidza ndokuti kunyange hazvo aive akatsamwa pakutanga, iye zvino "akaimedza". Nekuda kweizvozvo, akanzwa kurerukirwa uye, kwemavhiki akati wandei izvozvi, anga ari mukati akasununguka kubva mukutsvaga kweaya egocentric kubatana.

Mumwe murume wepakati nepakati, murume wechiDutch, akataura nezvekurarama kwake ega, kwaakange asina shamwari, uye aibvakacha pakati pevakomana nekuti baba vake vaive nhengo yebato reNazi. (Ndakasangana nezviitiko zvakawanda zveungochani pakati pevana ve "vatengesi" veHondo Yenyika II.) Ipapo akasangana nemupristi wechidiki, anonzwisisa uye akatanga kudanana naye. Urwu rudo rwakava chinoitika chinoshamisa kwazvo muhupenyu hwake: pakati pavo pakanga paine kunzwisisa kwakakwana; akasangana nerunyararo nemufaro, asi, zvinya, nekuda kwechimwe chikonzero kana chimwe, hukama hwavo hwanga husingaenderere mberi. Nhau dzakadai dzinogona kugonesa vanhu vasina ruzivo avo vanoda kuratidza "hanya": "Naizvozvo rudo rweungochani zvichiripo dzimwe nguva! " Uye sei usingatenderi runako rudo, kunyangwe kana zvisingawirirane nehunhu hwedu pachedu? Asi ngatirege kunyengerwa sekuzvinyengera kwazvakaita uyu muDutch. Akageza mukufungidzira kwake kwevechidiki kweshamwari yakanaka yaaigara achirota nezvayo. Kunzwa usina rubatsiro, unonzwisa tsitsi uye zvakadaro - o! - akadaro anonzwira tsitsi, akakuvadzwa mukomana mudiki, iye pakupedzisira akawana munhu anomukoshesa, uyo, iyewo, akamunamata uye chaiko kukwidziridzwa kusvika padanho rechidhori. Muhukama uhu, aikurudzirwa neudyire zvachose; hongu, akapa shamwari yake mari uye akamuitira zvakawanda, asi ndokuzongotenga rudo rwake. Maitiro ake ekufunga aive asina murume, murombo, huranda.

Wechidiki anonzwira tsitsi anoyemura chaizvo avo, mumaonero ake, vane hunhu hwaasina iye. Semutemo, chinotariswa chekushomeka kwakaomarara mune ngochani kuyemura kwehunhu hwavanoona mune ivo vanhukadzi. Kana Leonardo da Vinci akakwezvwa nemapunks emumugwagwa, isu tine chikonzero chekufungidzira kuti akazviona kunge ane hunhu uye ane hunhu. Mutori wenhau wechiFrench André Gide akanzwa semukomana ane mukurumbira weCalvinist uyo aisafanirwa kutandara nevamwe vana vezera rake. Uye kusagutsikana uku kwakamutsa dutu kunakidzwa maari vasina hanya marofu uye nechishuwo chekusvibisa hukama navo. Mukomana, uyo aive asina zororo, amai vasina hasha, akatanga kuyemura varume vemauto, nekuti akaona zvakapesana zvizere maari. Varume vazhinji ngochani vanokwezva kune "vakashinga" vechidiki vezvemitambo kuvaka, vanofara uye vari nyore-kuenda vanhu. Uye apa ndipo panonzwisisika kuonekera kwavo kwevanhurume - varume vevakadzi vasina kukwezva varume vazhinji vanoita ngochani. Akasimba mukadzi manzwiro evanhurume nevanhukadzi, zvishoma paanowanzonzwa kunge zvechikadzi uye nekushingirira anotarisa hunhu hwechikadzi. Vaviri vadyidzani veungochani "vaviri" - zvirinani pakutanga - vanokwezvwa nehunhu hwepanyama kana hunhu hweumwe, hunobatana nehurume (hukadzi), iyo, sekufunga kwavo, ivo pachavo vasina. Mune mamwe mazwi, vanoona hunhu hwehukama kana hwehukadzi hwemumwe wavo se "huri" nani pane hwavo, kunyangwe vese vari vaviri vasina hunhu kana hukadzi. Chinhu chimwe chete ichi chinoitika nemunhu ane imwe nzira yekuzvidzika yakaoma: anoremekedza avo, mumaonero ake, vane hunyanzvi kana hunhu hwakadai, kushayikwa kuri maari kunoita kuti anzwe akaderera, kunyangwe kana kunzwa uku kuri akaruramiswa. Pamusoro pezvo, hazvigoneke kuti murume anodiwa nekuda hunhu hwake hwechirume, kana mukadzi anoshuviwa nekuda kwehukadzi hwake, anombozoita hukama neungochani kana ngochani, nekuti mhando idzi dzinowanzo kuve dzevakadzi.

Chisarudzo chengochani chechinhu chakanakira (kusvika pazvinganzi "sarudzo") chinotarisirwa kunyanya nemafungiro eiye achiri kuyaruka. Sezvazviri mune nyaya yemukomana aigara padyo neuto remauto uye akasimudzira fungidziro nezvemauto, chero mukana unogona kutora chinzvimbo mukugadzirwa kwemafungiro akajeka. Musikana uyu, akanyadziswa nekuziva kuti vakomana kuchikoro vaimuseka nekuzara kwake uye "chinongedzo" (akabatsira baba vake papurazi), akatanga kuyemura murume waaidzidza naye ane chitambi, bvudzi rakatsetseka uye zvese zvakasiyana nezvake. Uyu "musikana kubva pakufungidzira" ndiyo yakave chiratidzo chezvaachauya iye lesbian kuda. Ichokwadiwo kuti kushaiwa kwehukama hwepedyo naamai vake kwakamuita kuti agadzikise pfungwa yekusava nechokwadi, asi kukwezva vanofarira lesbian kwakangomutswa pavakazvienzanisa nemusikana iyeye. Iko kusava nechokwadi kuti lesbian fantasies anogona kusimuka kana kukura chete kana iye achinyatsove shamwari nemusikana iyeye; kutaura chokwadi shamwari yemaroto ake haana kumufarira. Panguva yekuyaruka, vasikana vanojairwa kunzwa gust kune vamwe vasikana kana vadzidzisi vavanonamata. Mupfungwa iyi, lesbianism hachisi chinhu kunze kwekubatanidzwa kweizvi zvinoyaruka.

Wechidiki anonzwa anyadziswa anogadzirisa izvo zvaanofarira mumhando dzakagadzirirwa dzebonde rake. Chakavanzika, chakasiyana, uye hushamwari hushamwari hwaizodziya mweya wake wakasurukirwa mweya unoratidzika kwaari seunodikanwa. Mukuyaruka, ivo kazhinji havangogadzirisa hunhu kana rudzi rwehunhu, asi zvakare vanonzwa manzwiro ekusavimbika pamusoro pehunhu uhu. Iko kudiwa kwekunakidzwa kunobva kuchifananidzo (ane muviri wake nechitarisiko chinoyemurwa, kazhinji ane godo), chinogona kushanduka kuve chishuwo chekuita rudo naye kana iye zvinopa kurota zvisirizvo.

Wechidiki wechikadzi anogona, mukufungidzira kwake, kunetsekana neizvo iye, mukukura kwake, anotora zviratidzo zvehurume: varume vakapfeka zvipfeko zveganda, vane masharubu, vakatasva mudhudhudhu, nezvimwe. Zvepabonde zvevazhinji ngochani zvinotarisana fetish... Vanotemerwa nezvipfeko zvemukati, mboro hombe, nezvimwewo, chero chinhu chinoratidza kuyaruka kwavo.

Ngatitaurei mashoma mazwi nezve dzidziso yekuti ngochani dziri kutsvaga baba vavo (kana amai) mune vavanofambidzana navo. Ini ndinofunga kuti ichi chinongova chikamu chechokwadi, ndiko kuti, kusvika pamwero zvakadii mumwe wako anotarisirwa kuve nehunhu hwababa (kana hwamai) kuzvitarisira ivo, kana ivo pachavo vasina rudo rwababa kana rwaamai uye kuzivikanwa. Nekudaro, kunyangwe mune idzi kesi, chinangwa chekutsvaga chiri ushamwari nemumiriri wechikadzi chako. Mune fungidziro dzevakawanda, haisi iyo yakawanda yemwana / yeukama iyo inosarudzika sehudiki kana hujaya hunoshamwaridzana huchienderana nezera ravo.

Teenage erotization yezvidhori zvechikadzi chavo hazvisi zvisingashamisi mukati mazvo. Mubvunzo unokosha ndewokuti, sei uchibata munhu zvekuti unosundira vazhinji, kana asiri ese, anotyaira murume nemukadzi? Mhinduro, sezvatamboona, iri mupfungwa yakadzika yehudiki yekunyadziswa muhukama nevezera remunhu bonde, pfungwa yekusiri "yeisina" uye yekuzvinzwira tsitsi. Hterochani vane chiitiko chakafanana: zvinoita sekunge vasikana vanogadzira zvidhori vanhurume vechirume vanonzwa kusurukirwa uye vanofunga kuti havanzwisisike kumajaya. Muvanhu vanofarira ungochani, kukwezva zvifananidzo zvevakadzi vavo kusimba, zvakadzama pfungwa yavo yevasina tariro "mutsauko" kubva kune vamwe.

Ngochani Kupindwa Muropa

Ungochani unogara munyika yemafungiro, pamusoro pezvose zvepabonde. Wechidiki anonyaradzwa nekuchiva kwezviroto zverudo. Kushamwaridzana kunoratidzika kwaari senzira yekurwadziwa kunogutsa, iko kudenga pacharo. Anoshuvira hukama hwepedyo, uye kwenguva refu iye anochengeta izvi zvekufungidzira munyika yake yakavharwa yemukati, kana kuita bonhora, akanyudzwa muahope idzi, zvakanyanya iye anovaita varanda. Izvi zvinogona kufananidzwa nekupindwa muropa nedoro uye mamiriro emufaro wenhema anoburitswa naye mune zvemukati kana vanhu vane zvimwe zvinetso: kubuda zvishoma nezvishoma kuenda munyika isiri yenhema yezvishuwo zvekuda.

Kugara uchiita bonhora kunosimbisa zviroto izvi zverudo. Kune vakawanda vechidiki ngochani, bonhora rinova rakanyanya. Uye zvakare, iyi fomu ye narcissism inoderedza kufarira uye kugutsikana nehupenyu chaihwo. Kufanana nezvimwe zvinodhaka, iyo inokwira masitepisi inotungamira pasi mukutsvaga kwekuwedzera kugutsikana kwepabonde. Nekufamba kwenguva, chishuwo chekupinda muhukama hwehukama, fungidziro kana chokwadi, chinokunda pfungwa. Munhu anongopengeswa neizvi, zvinoita sekunge hupenyu hwake hwese hwakatenderera nekutsvaga kwekutsvaga kweanogona kuve shamwari dzechikadzi chimwechete uye kufunga kwakanyanya kweumwe neumwe mutsva. Kana iwe uchitsvaga kumwe kufananidzwa munyika yekupindwa muropa, ichi chakafanana nekumhanya kwegoridhe kana kupenga nesimba, hupfumi kune mamwe mauroti.

"Isingadzivisike" kushamisika, kuyemurwa kwehurume kana hukadzi mune vanhu vanoda kuita ungochani, ndicho chikonzero chekuramba kusiya mararamiro avo uye, nekudaro, fungidziro dzeungochani. Kune rimwe divi, ivo havagutsikane nazvo zvese, kune rimwe divi, vane tsika yakasimba yekusimudzira muchivande idzi fungidziro. Kwavari kuti vasiye ruchiva rwechingochani ndiko kusiyana nezvose zvinopa chinangwa kuhupenyu. Hakuna kupihwa pachena kuruzhinji kweungochani kana kumhan'arwa zviri pamutemo kweungochani kunogona kumanikidza vanhu kuti vasiye mararamiro aya. Zvinoenderana nekucherechedzwa kwechiDutch psychiatrist Janssens, chakataurwa naiye muna 1939 kukongiresi yezvinetso zveungochani, ngochani zhinji hadziregedze kuda kwadzo kwakaipisisa, kunyangwe pamutengo wekudzokororwazve kujeri. Hupenyu hweungochani hunoratidzwa nechishuwo chekutambura; Muhupenyu hwakajairwa, anoomesa musoro achida njodzi yekuiswa mutirongo. Iye ngochani anorwara zvinosiririsa, uye njodzi yekurangwa, pamwe, inotowedzera kumutsa kwake kubva mukutsvaga hukama hweungochani. Nhasi, ngochani dzinowanzo tsvaga nemaune vanhu vane hutachiwana hweHIV, vachitungamirwa neshuwo imwechete yekuzviparadza.

Hwaro hwechido ichi chepabonde kuzvirereka, kukwezva kunhamo yerudo rusinga bviri. Nechikonzero ichi, ngochani muvanosangana navo pabonde havafariri zvakawandisa mumurume kana mukati mefungidziro yezvishuvo pamusoro pezvishuvo zvisina kuzadzikiswa. Ivo havazivi iye chaiye mukadzi waari sezvaari, uye sezvaanozivikanwa mune chaicho, kukwezva kwemutsipa kwaari kunopera futi.

Zvinyorwa zvishoma zvekuwedzera pabonde pabonde uye zvimwe zvinodhaka. Kufanana nedoro kana kupindwa muropa nezvinodhaka, kugutsikana kweungochani bonde (mukati kana kunze kwekubatana kweungochani, kana kuburikidza nekuita bonhora) ingori egocentric. Kuita bonde-bonde hakusi kuita rudo, asi, kudaidza foshoro, chinongova chiito chisingaiti, chakafanana nekubata nehure. Ngochani "dzakadzidziswa" dzinowanzo bvumirana neiyi ongororo. Ruchiva rwekuzvifunga haruzadzise bhavha, asi rinongoidzamisa.

Zvakare, zvinonyatso kuzivikanwa kuti vakapindwa muropa nedoro nezvinodhaka vanonyepera vamwe uye nevavanofunga nezvehunhu hwavo. Vakapindwa muropa pabonde, kusanganisira ngochani, vanoita zvakafanana. Ngochani akaroora anowanzonyepera mudzimai wake; kugara mubatanidzwa weungochani - kune mumwe wake; ngochani uyo anoda kukunda chishuwo cheungochani vanobatana - kuna chiremba wake anoenda uye iye. Pane nyaya dzinoverengeka dzinosiririsa dzevaya vane hungochani vane vavariro dzakanaka avo vakazivisa kuzorora nehunhu hwavo hweungochani (nekuda kwekushandurwa kwechitendero, semuenzaniso), asi zvishoma nezvishoma vakadzokera kune ino yakashata mararamiro maviri (kusanganisira tsika yekunyengera). Uye izvi zvinonzwisisika, sezvo zvakaoma kwazvo kuramba wakasimba uye wakashinga muchisarudzo chekumisa kufudza kupindwa muropa uku. Nekusuwa kwekudzokera shure kwakadai, idzi nhamo dzinobuda dzese, dzichipinda mukudonha kwakasununguka mugomba rakadzika rekuparadzwa kwepfungwa nemuviri, sezvakaitika kuna Oscar Wilde achangotendeuka mutirongo. Mukuedza kupa mhosva kune vamwe nekuda kwekushaya simba kwavo uye kurerutsa hana dzavo, izvozvi vanomhanyira kudzivirira zvine hungwaru uye vanopomera varapi vavo kana vanachipangamazano vechiKristu, vane maonero avaimbogovana uye vane mazano avakatevera.

4. Neuroticism yeungochani

Hukama hwechingochani

Iko hakuna kudikanwa kwehumwe humbowo: chirwere cheAIDS chakaratidza nekujekesa kwakaringana kuti ngochani, muhuwandu hwavo hukuru, vane hupombwe hwakanyanya mune dzebonde pane vanoita bonde. Iyo ngano yesimba reungochani "mibatanidzwa" (ine yavo sirogani: "Ndeupi musiyano uripo pakati pebonde rochani, kunze kwebonde remumwe wako?") Hapana chimwe kunze kwekuparadzira kwakanangana nekuwana ropafadzo mumutemo uye kuzivikanwa nemachechi echiKristu. Makore akati wandei apfuura, Martin Dannecker (1978), wezvematongerwo enyika wechiGerman uye ungochani, akabvuma pachena kuti "ngochani dzine hunhu hwakasiyana hwebonde," ndiko kuti, shanduko dzevakaroorana kazhinji dzinowanikwa muhunhu hwavo. Pfungwa ye "muchato unogara nekusingaperi," akanyora kudaro, yakashandiswa muhurongwa hwekugadzira inofarirwa neruzhinji nezve ungochani, asi ikozvino yave nguva yekubvarura chifukidziro. Zvichida kushaya hanya nekutendeseka kwakadai, sezvo pfungwa ye "muchato unogara" ichiri kubudirira kuita zvinangwa zvekuregererwa, semuenzaniso, kubvumidza kugamuchirwa kwevana nevarume vanoita ngochani. Nekudaro, iwo musoro wenyaya wehukama uchiri kufukidzwa nechidzitiro chenhema uye kudzvinyirira kwezvinhu zvisingadiwe. Chiremba wepfungwa wechiGerman chingochani, Hans Giese, ane mukurumbira muma60s uye kutanga kwe70s, panhaurirano dzeveruzhinji kana musangano pamusoro peungochani haana kupotsa mukana wekupinza pfungwa ye "kudyidzana kwakasimba uye kusingagumi", muenzaniso uyo, zvinonzi, hwaive hupenyu hwake. Asi paakazviuraya mushure mekurambana nemumwe mudiwa, vezvenhau vakabudirira kupfuudza chokwadi ichi vakanyarara, nekuti akataura achipesana ne "dzidziso yekutendeka." Saizvozvowo, muma60, iyo inosuruvarisa mufananidzo weBelgian "kuimba sista" Sista Surier akaonekwa padariro. Achisiya imba yemamongi nekuda kwe "ngochani" dzevabonde, akaratidzira kune wese munhu hupenyu hwake uye kutevedzera tsika dzechitendero. Makore akati wandei gare gare, iye natenzikadzi wake vakawanikwa vafa, sekutaura kwavo, semhedzisiro yekuzviuraya (kana iyi vhezheni yakavimbika; zvisinei, chiitiko chenjodzi iyi yaive chiitiko cheorudo "kufa muzita rerudo").

Vanunuri vaviri vakasununguka - chiremba wezvepfungwa David MacWerter uye chiremba wepfungwa Andrew Mattison (1984) - akadzidza zana nemakumi mashanu evakaroora vanhurume vakasimba. Mhedziso yavo: "Kunyange vazhinji vevanhu vanoita zvechingochani vachipinda muhukama nechinangwa chakajeka kana chakanangana chekuchengetedza kubatana pabonde, vanhu vanomwe chete muchidzidzo ichi vakaramba vakazara nemurume mumwe chete." Ndiyo 156 muzana. Asi tarisa pane zvazvinoreva kuva "murume wese pabonde": varume ava vakati havana vamwe vadikani panguva isingasviki makore mashanu nguva. Teerera kune mutauro wakasarudzika wevanyori: chirevo "kucherechedzwa kwekubatana pabonde" haina tsika uye chinoshanda senzira inosiririsa ye "kutendeka." Kana vari avo 4 muzana, tinogona kufanotaura nenzira ine ruremekedzo kwavari kuti kunyangwe kana vasina kureva nhema, hukama hwavo "hwokusingaperi" hwakaparara nguva pfupi gare gare. Nekuti ndiwo mutemo usingachinjiki. Kunetseka kweungochani hakufanire kumhanyiswa: mumwe wako ave mashoma nekuti ngochani dzinogara dzichitungamirwa nenyota yekusangana shamwari isingawanikwe kubva pakufungidzira kwavo. Muchidimbu, ngochani mwana anokara, anenzara nekusingaperi.

Izwi rekuti "neurotic»Anotsanangura hukama hwakadai mushe, achisimbisa kwavo egocentrism: kusingaperi kutsvaga kwekutarisirwa; kusagadzikana kunogara kuripo nekuda kwekunyunyuta kakawanda: "Haundidi" godo nekufungira: "Unonyanya kufarira mumwe munhu." Muchidimbu, "hukama hwehukama" hunosanganisira mhando dzese dzemadhirama nemakakatanwa evana, pamwe nekushomeka kwekufarira mumwe wako, tisingataure zvirevo zvisingaitike zve "rudo." Iye ngochani haana kunyengedzwa mune chero chinhu sekuzvifananidza semudiwa. Mumwe mudiwa anoda mumwe chete kusvika padanho raanosangana nezvaanoda. Chaiye, rudo rusina udyire kune waunoda waunotarisana naye ungatungamira mukuparadzwa kweungochani "rudo"! "Mibatanidzwa" yeungochani hukama hwehukama hwevamwe "varombo", hwakanyanya kunyura vega.

Propensity yekuzviparadza pachako uye kusabatikana

Icho chokwadi chekuti kusagutsikana kuri pamoyo pehupenyu hweungochani hunotevera kubva padanho repamusoro rekuzviuraya pakati pe "vanozviti" ngochani. Nguva nenguva nguva yekukwezva ngochani inoridza nhamo ye "kupokana kwehana" uye "kunetseka kwepfungwa" uko ngochani dzinonzi dzakapinza mune avo vanotaura kuti ungochani hupombwe uye hushamwari. Nenzira iyoyo, varombo, unogona kuvaunza kuzviuraya! Ndinoziva imwe nyaya yekuzviuraya iyo yechimurenga veDutch ngochani vakadana "kupokana kwehana" kunokonzerwa neungochani, iyo yakazoridzwa zvine mutsindo munhau. Iyi nyaya inosiririsa yakaudzwa pasi rose neshamwari yemushakabvu, iyo yaishuva kutsiva kune mumwe mupristi ane hunyanzvi uyo akamutuka nekutaura kwake kusasarura nezveungochani. Muchokwadi, shamwari yake inosuruvarisa yakanga isiri ungochani zvachose. Ngochani dzinofungidzirwa kuti dzakakunda kusagadzikana kwehana "dzakaisirwa" pavari dzinozviuraya kazhinji kazhinji kupfuura vakadzi vanoita zvezera rimwe chete. Ongororo yakaitwa muna 1978 naBell naWeinberg veboka guru revanochani vakaona kuti makumi maviri muzana vakaedza kuzviuraya, kubva pa20% kusvika pa52% nezvikonzero zvisina hukama neungochani. Ngochani dzinogona kutsvaga kana kutsamwisa mamiriro ezvinhu mavanonzwa kunge magamba ane njodzi. Fungidziro dzekuzviuraya dzimwe nguva dzinotora chimiro che "kuratidzira" kunoshamisa kune vekunze kuitira kuratidza kuti havanzwisiswe nekusabatwa zvakanaka. Nekusaziva, ivo vanoda kushamba mukuzvidzora-tsitsi. Izvi ndizvo zvakakurudzira hunhu husingazivikanwe hwaTchaikovsky paakamwa nemaune mvura yakasviba kubva kuNeva, izvo zvakatungamira kurwere runouraya. Kufanana neurotic romantics ezana ramakore rapfuura avo vakanyura pachavo muRhinine, vachizvikanda mukati mayo kubva kuLorelei mawere, ngochani dzemazuva ano dzinogona kutsvaga nemaune vadyidzani vane hutachiona hweHIV kuti vazvisimbise ivo pachavo njodzi. Mumwe murume ngochani akataura achizvikudza kuti akabata AIDS nemaune kuti aratidze "kubatana" neshamwari dzakawanda dzakafa nechirwere ichi. "Kunonoka" kwepanyika kweungochani hwakafa neAIDS kunopa kuuraira kwekuzvidira uku.

Zvepabonde zvinokanganisa zvakare zvinoratidza kusagadzikana kusagadzikana. Chidzidzo chakaitwa naMacWerter naMatison chakawana makumi mana nematatu kubva muzana evakaroorana vasina simba. Chimwe chiratidzo chebonde rinokanganisa kuita bonyora. Muboka rimwechete rekudzidza, 43% yakashandisa bonyora 60-2 nguva pasvondo (kuwedzera pabonde). Kukanganisa kwakawanda kwepabonde kune hunhu hweungochani, kunyanya masochism uye sadism; kwete yekusarudzika uye kunyanya kuita zvepabonde kwevana (semuenzaniso, kushupika nemukati, weti uye tsvina).

Kusara vechidiki: kwechecheche

Mukati, ngochani mwana (kana wechidiki). Ichi chiitiko chinozivikanwa se "wemukati kunyunyuta mwana". Vamwe vepamoyo vanoramba vari vechidiki mune angangoita ese maitiro ehunhu; kune vazhinji, zvichienderana nenzvimbo uye mamiriro, "mwana" anotsiva nemunhu mukuru.

Kune murume mukuru ungochani, hunhu, manzwiro uye maitiro ekufunga kweiye wechidiki anonzwa kuzvidzwa ndizvo zvakajairika. Anoramba - muchidimbu - asina kuzvidzivirira, asina mufaro, sezvo aive mukuyaruka: anonyara, anotya, anonamira, "akasiyiwa", mukomana anokakavara uyo anonzwa kurambwa nababa vake nevezera rake nekuda kwechitarisiko chake chisinga tsvete (squint, cleft lip, diki chimiro: chii, mumaonero ake, chisingapindirani nerunako rwemurume); akapambwa, mukomana anonyanyisa; mukomana ane simba, anozvitutumadza, anozvitutumadza; unceremonious, anorayira, asi gwara mukomana, nezvimwewo zvese zvakasikwa muhunhu hwemukomana (kana musikana) zvakachengetedzwa zvizere. Izvi zvinotsanangura hunhu, sekutaura kwehucheche mune vamwe ngochani, kushaya simba, hunyengeri, kuchengetedza muviri, matauriro, nezvimwe. Musikana anokwanisa kuramba ari musikana anokuvara zviri nyore, anopandukira; tomboy; vatungamiriri vane maitiro ekutevedzera kuzvidzora kwechirume; musikana anogara nekusvotwa, akatsamwa ane amai "vasina kumbomufarira," zvichingodaro. Wechidiki mukati memunhu mukuru. Uye kuyaruka kwese kuchiripo: chiratidzo chako, chevabereki vako nevamwe vanhu.

Sezvambotaurwa, iyo yakajairika-yekuzviona ndeyeiye anogumburwa, akarambwa, "murombo wega". Saka kutsamwa kweungochani; ivo "vanounganidza kusaruramisira," sekutaura kwechiremba vezvepfungwa Bergler, uye vanowanzozviona sevanyajambwa. Izvi zvinotsanangura kusazivikanwa kwekuzviteedzera-kwavo kwevaratidziri, avo vanoshandisa zvisirizvo neuroses yavo kuti vawane rutsigiro rweveruzhinji. Vakajaira kuzvinzwira tsitsi, vanova vanyunyuti vemukati (kana kuvhurika), kazhinji vanogunun'una vasingaperi. Kuzvinzwira tsitsi hakusi kure nekuratidzira. Kune vazhinji ngochani, mukati (kana pachena) kupandukira uye kuvengana kune vatadzi uye "nzanga" uye kutsunga kutsoropodza zvakajairika.

Zvese izvi zvine chekuita nezvinetso murudo neungochani. Kuoma kwake kunongedza pfungwa dzake kwaari; semwana, anotsvaga kutarisirwa, rudo, kuzivikanwa uye kumuyemura. Kutarisisa kwake paari kunokanganisa kugona kwake kuda, kufarira vamwe, kutora mutoro wevamwe, kupa nekushandira (ramba uchifunga kuti dzimwe nguva sevhisi inogona kuve nzira yekukwezva kutarisisa uye kuzvisimbisa). Asi "Zvinoita here ... kuti mwana akure kana asingadiwe?" Anobvunza munyori Baldwin (Siering 1988, 16). Nekudaro, kumisa dambudziko nenzira iyi kunongovhiringidza zvinhu. Nekuti kunyangwe mukomana aishuva rudo rwababa vake aigona kunyatsopora dai akawana munhu ane rudo kutsiva baba vake, kusakura kwake zvakadaro mhedzisiro yekuzvinyaradza kwekuita kushaya kwekufungidzira kushaya rudo, uye kwete mhedzisiro yekushayikwa kwerudo akadaro. Wechidiki uyo akadzidza kugamuchira kutambura kwake, achiregerera avo vakamugumbura - kazhinji asingazive nezvazvo, mukutambura haashandisi kuzvinzwira tsitsi nekuratidzira, uye apa kutambura kunoita kuti akure zvakanyanya. Sezvo munhu ari egocentric nechisikigo, kukura kwepfungwa uku hakuwanzo kuitika kwega, asi pane zvisipo, kunyanya kana muyaruki akashushikana pamoyo aine chinotsiva mubereki anogona kumutsigira munzvimbo ino. Baldwin, achigutsikana nekusagona kwekukura mwana asingadiwe - mune zvese mukana, anotaura nezvake - akanyanyisa kufunga uye anotarisa chokwadi chekuti kunyangwe mwana (uye jaya chairo) ane rusununguko uye anogona kudzidza kuda. Mazhinji mauroti anotevedzera maitiro akadaro ekuzvitevedzera "haana kumbodiwa nemunhu" uye anogara achida rudo uye muripo kubva kune vamwe - kubva kune vakaroora, shamwari, vana, kubva munharaunda. Nyaya dzematsotsi mazhinji eurotic akafanana. Vangave vakatambura chaizvo nekushaikwa kwerudo mumhuri dzavo, kunyange kusiiwa, kushungurudzwa; zvisinei, chishuwo chavo chekutsiva pachavo, kushaya kwavo tsitsi kwenyika iyo yaive nehutsinye kwazvo kwavari, hapana chimwe kunze kwekuita kwoudyire kukushayikwa kwerudo. Jaya rinozvifunga rine njodzi yekuve iye asingadi-kuzvida anoda uyo anovenga vamwe, iye pachake ari nyajambwa wekuzvinzwira tsitsi. Baldwin akarurama chete maererano nemanzwiro eungochani, nekuti hazvireve rudo rwechokwadi, asi chete narcissistic nyota yekudziya uye godo.

"Mukomana wemukati" anotarisa kuburikidza nemagirazi ehunhu hwake kushomeka kwakaomarara kune vamiririri kwete chete vekwake bonde, asiwo weakasiyana. “Hafu yorudzi rwomunhu - munhukadzi - yakanga isipo kwandiri kutozosvikira munguva pfupi yapfuura,” yakabvuma kudaro imwe ngochani. In vakadzi, akaona mufananidzo mai hanya, sezvo dzimwe nguva akaroora ngochani, kana vorongerwa ari kuvhima murume kutarisirwa. Kushamwaridzana nemukadzi wezera rakaenzana kunogona kutyisidzira ngochani, nekuti maererano nevakadzi vakuru, anonzwa semukomana asingasvike pabasa remurume. Izvi ndezvechokwadiwo kunze kwemamiriro epabonde ehukama hwemurume nemukadzi. Lesbians vanoonawo varume sevanokwikwidza: mumaonero avo, nyika ingadai iri nani pasina varume; padyo nemurume, vanonzwa vasina kuchengetedzeka, kunze kweizvozvo, varume vanotora vasikana vavo kuenda navo. Ngochani kazhinji hadzinzwisise kana zvinoreva roorano kana hukama pakati pemurume nemukadzi, vanovatarisa neshanje uye kazhinji neruvengo, sezvo "basa" chairo rehurume kana hukadzi rinovashatirisa; iri, mune rimwe shoko, kutarira kwemunhu wekunze uyo anonzwa akaderedzwa.

Zvemagariro, ngochani (kunyanya varume) dzimwe nguva vanove vakapindwa muropa nekumutsa tsitsi kwavari. Vamwe vanoita chinamato chechokwadi chekutanga hushamwari hwepamusoro uye hwepamusoro, kugona hunyanzvi hwekunaka, uye kupa fungidziro yekuva akasununguka. Ivo vanoda kuve vanonyanya kunamatwa, vakomana vanodikanwa kwazvo mukambani yavo - iyi itsika yekuwedzeredza. Nekudaro, ivo havawanzo kunzwa paari nevamwe: kungave kwakaderera kana kwakakwirira (kuwedzeredza). Kuwedzeredza kuzvisimbisa kune chiratidzo chekufunga kwevechidiki uye nemanzwiro evana. Muenzaniso unonyadzisa weiyi inyaya yeiye mudiki, mupfupi, ane ziso reDutch ngochani. Achinzwa kusazivikanwa nevezera rake vakanaka uye vakapfuma, akafunga kuita kuti zviroto zvake zvemari, mukurumbira neumbozha zviitike (Korver naGowaars 1988, 13). Achivavarira kuzvisimbisa, akawana hupfumi hunoshamisa pazera raaive angopfuura zvishoma makumi maviri. Mumuzinda wake muHollywood, akakanda mapato makuru, ayo akapindwa nekirimu yenzanga. Nekushandisa mari yakawanda pavari, iye akatotenga kufarira kwavo uye kutarisisa. Akave nyeredzi, aigara akapoteredzwa nevanoyemura, vakapfeka zvinefashoni uye vakashongedzwa zvakanaka. Iye zvino aigona kutenga vake vadikani. Asi mukukosha, iyi nyika yese yengano iyo yakave yechokwadi yaive nhema - zvese izvi "hushamwari", "rudo", "runako", izvi zvese "kubudirira munzanga." Chero ani anoziva kukosha kwemararamiro akadaro anonzwisisa kuti hazvisi zvechokwadi sei. Yese hupfumi iyi yakaunganidzwa kubva mukutengesa zvinodhaka, hunyanzvi hwekunyengedza uye kubiridzira. Hunhu hwake hwakaganhurana nepfungwa dzepfungwa: anga asina hanya nezveramangwana revamwe, kune vaakabatwa, iye "airatidza rurimi rwake" kunzanga mukunakidzwa kusingabatsiri kwekutsiva kwakanaka. Hazvina basa kuti akafa neAIDS aine makore makumi matatu nemashanu, nekuti, sezvaakazvirumbidza nguva pfupi asati afa, akararama hupenyu "hwakapfuma" zvakadaro. Nyanzvi yezvepfungwa ichaona mupfungwa dzake "mwana", akaora mwoyo "mwana"; mupemhi, mutorwa anosemesa, ane nzara yepfuma neshamwari; mwana akakurira akashata, asingakwanise kutanga hukama hwevanhu hwakakura, mutengi anosiririsa we "hushamwari." Kufunga kwake kunoparadza zvine chekuita neruzhinji kwakagadzirwa nekunzwa kwekurambwa: "Handina chikwereti navo!"

Kufunga kwakadaro hakuna kujairika pakati pechingochani, nekuti kuvengana uku kunokonzerwa nekunetsa kwe "zvisiri zvako". Nechikonzero ichi, ngochani dzinoonekwa sezvinhu zvisina kuvimbika mune chero boka kana sangano. “Mwana wemukati” mavari anoramba achinzwa kurambwa uye anopindura neruvengo. Vazhinji ngochani (vese varume nevakadzi) vanotsvaga kugadzira yavo, inhema, nyika ingave "iri nani" pane chaiyo, "inyasha"; snobbish, inonakidza, izere ne "adventents", zvinokatyamadza uye zvinotarisirwa, misangano yakakosha uye vanozivana, asi muchokwadi izere nekusazvibata uye kubatanidza kwakasarudzika: kufunga kwepwere.

Mune vanhu vane hungochani hwakaoma, hukama hwepfungwa nevabereki vavo hunoramba hwakafanana nezvavakaita muhudiki nekuyaruka: muvarume, kuvimba pana amai; kunyangadza, kuzvidza, kutya, kana kusava nehanya nababa; kusanzwisisika manzwiro pamusoro paamai uye (zvisingawanzoitika) kushushikana kwepfungwa kuna baba mune vakadzi. Uku kusakura mupfungwa kunoratidzwazve mukuti vashoma ngochani vanoda vana nekuti ivo pachavo, sevana, vakadzika kwazvo mupfungwa dzavo uye vanoda kutarisirwa kwese kuve kwavo.

Semuenzaniso, ngochani mbiri dzakabereka mwana dzakazobvuma kuti dzaingoda kusekerera, “sekunge imbwa ine tsika. "Munhu wese akatitarisisa isu, isu, ngochani dzakanaka, patakapinda musalon naye." Vaviri veLesbian vanoshuvira kuve nemwana vanoteedzawo zvinangwa zvoudyire. Ivo "vanotamba amai-mwanasikana", nekudaro vachidenha mhuri chaiyo, vachiita nekuda kwekuzvitutumadza kweiyo pfungwa inodedera. Mune zvimwe zviitiko, ivo vari pakati-nehana vanovavarira kuita mwanasikana wavo wekubereka muhukama hwevakadzi. Iyo nyika, kunyoresa zvisiri izvo hukama zvisiri zvechisikigo, inotora mhosva kune iyo yekupedzisira, asi chisimba chakakura kuvana. Vagadziri vemagariro vanoedza kumanikidza pfungwa dzavo dzekupenga nezve "mhuri", kusanganisira mhuri yeungochani, vanotsausa nzanga, sedzimwe nzvimbo dzine hukama neungochani. Kuti vafambise zviri pamutemo kugamuchirwa ne "vabereki" ngochani, ivo vanobva vataura nezvezvidzidzo "zvinoratidza" kuti vana vanorerwa nevarume vanoita ungochani vanokura vaine hutano hwakanaka. "Zvidzidzo" zvakadaro hazvina kukodzera pepa pazvakanyorwa. Uku kunyepa kwekunyepedzera. Chero ani aneruzivo rwakavimbika pamusoro pevana aive ne "vabereki" vakadaro uye akawana kurudziro yakakodzera anoziva mamiriro ezvinhu asina kunaka uye anosiririsa. (Kuti uzvinyore mukutsvagirwa kwevabereki ngochani, ona Cameron 1994).

Kupfupisa: hukuru hunhu hwepfungwa yemwana nevechiri kuyaruka kufunga kwekufunga uye manzwiro. Hunhu hwehucheche nehuchiri kuyaruka hwemunhu mukuru ane ungochani hwakaomarara hwakazara nehuhwana uye dzimwe nguva kuzvida kwakanyanya. Kuzvinzwira tsitsi kwake kusingazive, kuzvinzwira urombo uye hunhu hunoenderana naye, pamwe ne "kukweretesa" kukwezva kune hukama hwehukama nekuda kwe "kukwezva kutarisisa" uye dzimwe nzira dzekuzvigutsa uye kuzvinyaradza, zvinongova zvevacheche, ndiko kuti, egocentric. Nenzira, vanhu vanonzwisisa vanonzwa se "mwana" akadaro uye vanotora chinzvimbo chekuchengetedza zvine hukama nenhengo yemhuri yechingochani, shamwari kana waanoshanda naye wechingochani, vachimubata muchokwadi semwana akasarudzika, "anotambura".

Hapana mubvunzo kuti kushamwaridzana nehukama uye "kubatana" kwakanyorwa nezviratidzo zvekusacheche. Kufanana nehukama hweshamwari mbiri dzechipfuva, hushamwari uhwu hwehudiki hwazara neshanje dzakashata, kukakavara, kusagutsikana, kutukana uye kutyisidzira, uye zvinopera zvisingabvumike nemutambo. Kana "vachitamba mhuri", saka izvi kutevedzera kwevacheche, kuseka uye panguva imwechete kushungurudzika. MuDutch munyori ungochani Luis Cooperus, aigara pakutanga kwezana ramakore rechi20, akataura nezvenyaya yake yehuhudiki kushamwaridzana nababamunini vake vaifara, vakasimba, vakavimbika:

“Ini ndaida kuva naSekuru Frank nguva dzose, narinhi! Mukufungidzira kwangu kwehudiki, ndakafungidzira kuti babamunini neni taive vakaroorana "(Van den Aardweg 1965). Kune mwana, muchato wakajairika unoshanda semuenzaniso wekuti vaviri vanogona sei kugara pamwe chete. Vaviri vakasurukirwa vakasurukirwa "vana vemukati" mukati mevangochani vaviri vanogona kutevedzera hukama hwakadai mukufungidzira kwavo - sekunge mutambo uchiripo. Idzi ndidzo fungidziro dzevana vaviri vasina ruzivo dzakarambwa nenyika. Imwe magazini yakatumira pikicha yemuchato we "muchato" muhoro yeguta revadzidzi vaviri vechiDutch. Pasina mubvunzo chaive chiratidzo chevechidiki chekuzvimiririra uye kuzvisimbisa, asiwo mutambo uri pachena wemhuri. Mumwe wevakadzi vaviri, akareba uye airema, aive akapfeka sutu yechikomba nhema, uye mumwe wacho, mupfupi uye mutete, mumadhirezi emwenga. Parody yevana yemaitiro ehunhu babamukuru nasekuru uye "kusingaperi kuzvipira". Asi ivo vanonzi vanhu vakajairika vanozvibata sevanopenga, sekunge vachibvuma zvakanyanya mutambo uyu. Dai vaive vakatendeseka pachavo, vaizofanira kubvuma kuti pfungwa nemanzwiro avo vanoona zvese zvinoitika seyakaipa kuseka.

Neurotic nekuda kwekusarura?

"Kubva ndichiri mudiki ndaive ndakasiyana nemunhu wese." Ngochani dzakawanda, pamwe hafu, dzinogona kutaura uku kunzwa. Zvisinei, ivo vakakanganisa kana vakaenzanisa manzwiro ekusiyana uye ungochani. Kugamuchirwa zvisirizvo kwekusiyana kwemunhu muhudiki sekutaura uye humbowo hwehunhu hwechingochani hunosimbisa chishuwo chekutsanangudza zvine hungwaru mararamiro ehugochani, sezvazviri muchiitiko chebasa rakanyatso ziviswa reungochani psychoanalyst RA Aiseya (1989). Kutanga, dzidziso yake yeungochani haigone kunzi dzidziso. Haapindure mubvunzo nezve chikonzero (zvikonzero), achivaona "seasina kukosha", nekuti "hapana chingaitwe nezvazvo" (Schnabel 1993, 3). Kunyange zvakadaro, kufunga kwakadaro hakuenderani nesainzi zvachose. Zvinoita here kudana zvikonzero zvekenza, mhosva, kudhakwa zvisina basa nekuda kwekuti isu hatikwanisi kurapa mafomu mazhinji ezvirwere izvi? Kushatirwa kwemunyori uye kushora zvaive mhedzisiro yemuchato wake wakaputsika uye kutadza mune maitiro epfungwa. Akaedza, asi akakundikana, ndokuzopotera nenzira inozivikanwa, yekuzvipembedza: kudaidza kuedza kuchinja ngochani, avo vakashungurudzwa, mhosva, uye "hunhu" hwavo, chokwadi chisingadzoreki pasina kupokana. Vazhinji ngochani vasinganzwisisike vakaita nenzira iyi. Mutungamiri weFrance wechikwata cheungochani André Gide, achisiya mukadzi wake uye achitanga zviitiko zvekupfekedza vana, akatora chinoshamisa chinotevera mumakore makumi maviri: "Ndini zvandiri. Uye hapana chinogona kuitwa nezvazvo. " Uku ndiko kuzvidzivirira kwekuzvidzora-pachako kunonzwisa tsitsi. Zvinonzwisisika, pamwe - asi uchizvinyengedza. Munhu anorega anoziva kuti ivo varasikirwa nekuda kwekushaikwa kwekushinga uye kutendeseka. Aisei, semuenzaniso, zvishoma nezvishoma akapinda mukurarama hupenyu huviri hwekuda chingochani kutsvaga uye baba vanoremekedzwa nachiremba. Mune izvi akafanana neavo "vekare-ngochani" vane tarisiro yekusiya ungochani kuburikidza nekutendeukira kuChristu, asi vasingakwanise kusimbisa kusasimba kwavo kwe "rusununguko," uye pakupedzisira vorasikirwa netariro yese. Mukuwedzera, ivo vanotambudzwa ne "hana ine mhosva". Tsananguro dzavo dzinorairwa kwete nepfungwa, asi nekuzvidzivirira.

Sechiremba wepfungwa, Aisei haagone asi kubvuma kuvapo kwehunhu huzhinji hwe "pathological uye hwakatsauka" hunhu mune ngochani (Schnabel), asi zvakadaro anozvitsanangura semhedzisiro yekurambwa kwenguva refu: nababa vake, vezera rake, uye nzanga. Neurotic? Iyi ndiyo mhedzisiro yerusarura. Iyi pfungwa haisi itsva; inogara ichishandisirwa kune avo ngochani vanobvuma kuti vane manzwiro ehunhu, asi dzivisa kufunga kwavo ungochani muchiedza chechokwadi. Nekudaro, hazvigoneke kupatsanura ungochani chishuwo kubva neurosis. Ndakagara ndanzwa kubva kune vatengi kuti: "Ndiri kuda kubvisa neurosis, zvinokanganisa hukama hwangu hweungochani. "Ndinoda kuva nehukama hunogutsa hwepabonde, asi handidi kuchinja maitiro angu epabonde." Kupindura sei chikumbiro chakadai? "Kana tikatanga kushanda pane yako manzwiro ehuropi uye kushomeka kwakaomarara, zvinobva zvango netsawo ako ungochani kunzwa. Nekuti izvo chiratidzo cheurosis yako. " Uye ndizvo zvazviri. Kusanyanya kushushikana kunoitwa ngochani, ndiko kugadzikana kwaanenge achiita pamoyo, kushoma kwekuzvikudza kwaanova, uye kushoma kweungochani kwaanonzwa maari.

Dzidziso yekunze yekuzvidzivirira yaAisei - neyevamwe ngochani - ingaite kunge inomanikidza. Nekudaro, pamberi pezvechokwadi zvepfungwa, anotanga kupunzika. Ngatifungei kuti "hunhu hweungochani" neimwe nzira hunonzwisisika hwakagarwa nhaka nemwana kubva pakuzvarwa kana kuwanikwa achangozvarwa. Ruzhinji rwevanababa rungango "ramba" mwanakomana akadaro nekuda kwechikonzero ichi? Vanababa vane hutsinye here nekuti vanakomana vavo neimwe nzira "vakasiyana" nevamwe (uye vanovaramba kunyangwe zvisati zvaitika kuti uyu "mutsauko" ndewechingochani "hunhu")? Semuenzaniso, vanababa vanoramba vanakomana vane hurema? Chokwadi kwete! Ehe, kunyangwe kana mukomana mudiki aine "hunhu" hwakasiyana, saka, kunyangwe, pamwe, pachave nerumwe rudzi rwemadzibaba vanomubata nekumuramba, asi zvakanyanya kune avo vanozopindura nekutarisira nekutsigira.

Uyezve. Kune munhu anonzwisisa psychology yemwana, zvingaite kunge zvisina musoro kufunga kuti vakomana vadiki vanotanga hupenyu hwavo nehunhu hwekuda kudanana nevabereki vavo (izvo, maererano nedzidziso yaAisei, zvinobva pahunhu hwavo hweungochani). Aya maonero anokanganisa chokwadi. Vazhinji pre-ngochani vakomana vaida kudziya, kumbundira, tendero kubva kuna baba vavo - hapana chinokwezva. Uye kana madzibaba vakavaramba vachipindura, kana zvairatidzika kwavari sekuti "vakaramba", zvino vanogona here kutarisirwa kugutsikana nemafungire akadaro kwavari?

Ikozvino nezvekunzwa kwe "mutsauko." Hapana ngano ye "ngochani" yeungochani inodikanwa kuti itsanangure. Mukomana ane hunhu hwechikadzi, anosvika kuna amai vake, akanyanya kuwadhi, asina hukama hwababa kana humwe hunhu hwechirume vachiri vadiki, achazotanga kunzwa "akasiyana" mukushamwaridzana nevaya vakomana vakakura nemafungiro uye zvekunakidzwa kwevakomana. Kune rimwe divi, manzwiro e "mutsauko" haasi, sekuvimbisa kwaAisei, mukana wakasarudzika wevarume vepamberi. Most heterochani neurotic akanzwa "akasiyana" muhuduku hwavo. Mune mamwe mazwi, hapana chikonzero chekuona izvi sehupombwe.

Mufungo waAisei unotambura nekumwe kusawirirana. Nhamba hombe yeungochani yakanga isina chero pfungwa ye "mutsauko" kusvika pakuyaruka. Muhudiki, vakazviziva pachavo sechikamu chekambani, asi nekuda kwekufamba, kuenda kune chimwe chikoro, nezvimwewo, vakagadzira pfungwa yekuzviparadzanisa nevamwe, nekuti munzvimbo nyowani vaisagona kujaira kune avo vaive vakasiyana navo munharaunda, hupfumi, kana zvimwewo. chimwe chinhu.

Uye pakupedzisira, kana mumwe munhu achitenda mukuvapo kwehunhu hwechingochani, saka anofanirawo kutenda mune yekuzvibata, fetishistic, sadomasochistic, zoophilic, transvestic, etc. mahwindo evakadzi. Uye murume wechiDutch uyo akasungwa nguva pfupi yadarika nekuda kwekuzvipira "kusingadzivisike" kunosora vakadzi mushower kwemakore masere anogona kuzvirumbidza ne "voyeuristic" hunhu! Zvino mukadzi wechidiki uyo, achinzwa asingadiwe nababa vake, asingaguti akazvipa kuvarume vane makore gumi kukura kwaari, pasina mubvunzo aive ne "hunhu" nymphomaniac hwakasiyana neyakajairika hunhu hwepabonde, uye kushungurudzika kwake kwakabatana nemufananidzo wababa kungoitikawo.

Iwo ngochani Aisei anozviratidza semubatiri weusinganzwisisike, wakasuruvara. Kuona kwakadaro, muchidimbu, kuzvipinza munjodzi. Zvakanyanya kusiririsa chirevo ichi kungava kunzwisiswa kwekuti ungochani hunobatanidzwa nekusagadzikana kwepfungwa! Kana dzidziso yaIsay ye "ungochani" ichokwadi, kusasimba kwepfungwa kweungochani, "humhandara" hwake nekuzvishingisa zvakanyanyisa chikamu cheiyi chisiko chisingachinjiki uye chisinganzwisisike "hunhu"?

Neurotic nekuda kwekusarura? Chiverengero chikuru chevanhu vane hunhu hwechingochani vanobvuma kuti havana kutambudzika zvakanyanya kubva pakusarura munharaunda sekuziva kwekutadza kwavo kurarama hupenyu hwakajairika. Vatsigiri venguva dzose vechingochani vanobva vangoti: "Ehe, asi kutambudzika uku ndiko mugumo wekusarudzika kwemukati kusarudzika. Ivo vaisazotambura kana nzanga ichiona ungochani setsika. ” Zvese izvi ipfungwa yakachipa. Mumwe chete asingade kuona anozviratidza weakasikwa asina kujairika eungochani uye humwe hunhu hwepabonde achazvitenga.

Nekudaro, kurongeka kwezvinhu hakuna kuita sekunge mwana angoerekana aziva: "Ndiri ngochani", semugumo we inoratidzirwa kune neurotization kubva kune iwe pachako kana vamwe vanhu. Kutsvaga kwakaringana kwepfungwa dzepfungwa dzeungochani kunoratidza kuti ivo kutanga kune vese vanonzwa kunzwa kwekuti "havasi vevanhu", kunyadziswa zvine chekuita nevezera ravo, kusurukirwa, kusada mumwe wevabereki, nezvimwewo Uye zviri pachena kuti nekuda kwechikonzero ichi vanowira mukuora mwoyo uye vanozviisa pasi pehunhu ... Kukwezva kweungochani kunozviratidza kwete pamberi, asi после и semhedzisiro idzi kunzwa kwekurambwa.

Vasiri ngochani?

Kune vakadaro here? Mumwe anogona kupindura mukubvuma kana rusaruro rwemagariro zvaive zvechokwadi chikonzero chehusingaoneki chiitiko chehurombo hwepfungwa, hwepabonde uye hwehukama mune zveungochani. Asi kuvapo kweasina-neurotic ngochani ingano. Izvi zvinogona kuonekwa kubva mukucherechedzwa uye kufungidzirwa kwevanhu vanoita zveungochani. Zvakare, pane hukama chaihwo pakati pengochani uye akasiyana psychoneuroses, senge obsessive-inomanikidza syndromes uye rumination, phobias, psychosomatic matambudziko, neurotic kushushikana uye paranoid nyika.

Maererano nezvidzidzo zvinoshandisa bvunzo dzepfungwa, mapoka ese eungochani akafungidzira vanhu avo vakaedzwa zvakanyanya kuti vaone neurosis kana "neuroticism" varatidza mhedzisiro. Uyezve, zvisinei nekuti ivo vaivapikisa vaive vakajairirwa pamagariro kana kuti kwete, vese vasina kusarudzika vakaiswa seanorotic (Van den Aardweg, 1986).

[Yambiro: mimwe bvunzo haibatsiri zvinounzwa seyedzo dzeanosis, asi zvisiri.]

Vamwe vanhu vari kurwara nechirwere ichi pakutanga vanogona kunge vasingaite sevanotyisa. Dzimwe nguva vanotaura nezveungochani kuti anogara achifara uye kugutsikana uye hazvikonzere matambudziko. Nekudaro, kana iwe ukasvika pakumuziva iye zviri nani uye kudzidza zvakawanda nezve hupenyu hwake hwomunhu uye hwenyika yemukati, saka maonero aya haazo simbiswa. Sezvazvakangoita “michato yakagadzikana, inofara, uye yakasimba yeungochani,” kutarisisa hakuratidzi kufunga kwekutanga.

Norm mune dzimwe tsika?

"Tsika yedu yechiJudhao-yechiKristu haigamuchire ungochani" zvakasiyana ", kusiyana nedzimwe tsika dzinozviona sezvakanaka" ndeimwe ngano. Kwete mune chero tsika kana nguva yaive ungochani - inonzwisiswa sekukwezva kune nhengo dzebonde rimwechete zvakanyanya kupfuura kune nhengo dzevakapesana - zvaisafungidzirwa senge tsika. Kuita zvepabonde pakati penhengo dzebonde rimwe chete kunogona, kune imwe nhanho, kutorwa sekutenderwa mune dzimwe tsika, kunyanya kana zvine hukama netsika dzekutangisa. Asi ungochani chaihwo hwagara hwakafungidzirwa kunze kwechinyakare.

Uye zvakadaro mune dzimwe tsika, ungochani hauna kujairika sedzedu. Zvakawanda sei ungochani chaiitika chaizvo mutsika medu? Zvikuru kazhinji kupfuura vanoita zveungochani uye vezvenhau vanokurudzira. Ungochani unonzwa uine chikamu chimwe kusvika maviri muzana wehuwandu hwehuwandu, kusanganisira bisexinyorwa. Iyi muzana, iyo inogona kutorwa kubva kune inowanikwa mienzaniso (Van den Aardweg 1986, 18), ichangobva kuzivikanwa neAlan Guttmacher Institute (1993) ichokwadi kuUnited States. MuUK, iyi muzana ndeye 1,1 (Wellings et al. 1994; yeyo unganidzo yakavimbika kwazvo yeruzivo pachinhu ichi, ona Cameron 1993, 19).

Kunze kuzviuru zvinoverengeka vagari vedzinza diki reSambia muNew Guinea, kwaingova neungochani. Muchokwadi, aive pedophile (Stoller naGerdt 1985, 401). Izvo hazvina kutsanangura kwete chete kwehukuru hwebonde rake, asi maitiro ake mazhinji: "airwara", "zvisingaite mukati mevanhu" (airatidza kunzwa kunyadziswa, kusagadzikana), "kuchengetwa", "kusuwa", "anozivikanwa nekunyara". Uku ndiko kutsanangurwa kweanorotic, munhu akajeka wekunze anonzwa akanyadziswa uye anovenga "vamwe."

Murume uyu "aive nemukurumbira" nekunzvenga mabasa echirume akadai sekuvhima nekurwa zvakanyanya sezvaaigona, achisarudza kurima miriwo, raive basa raamai vake. Chimiro chake chezvemagariro nepfungwa chakapa nzwisiso kumatangiro epabonde neurosis. Aive iye ega uye asiri wepamutemo mwanakomana wemukadzi akasiyiwa nemurume wake uye nekudaro akazvidzwa nerudzi rwese. Zvinotaridza senge mukadzi akasurukirwa, akasiyiwa akasunga mukomana zvakanyanya kwaari, ndosaka asina kukura sevakomanawo zvavo - zvinova ndizvo zvinoita vakomana vasati vatanga ngochani mutsika nemagariro edu, vanaamai vavo vanovaona sevana uye, kana vanababa vasipo, vanogara navo zvakanyanya pedyo napedyo. Amai vemukomana uyu vakashatirwa nerudzi rwese rwechirume uye nekudaro, sekufunga kwevanhu, havana hanya nekusimudza "murume chaiye" kubva maari. Hwehudiki hwake hwaizivikanwa nekuzviparadzanisa nevamwe uye kurambwa - anonyadziswa mwanakomana wemukadzi akasiyiwa. Zvakakosha kuti, kusiyana nevakomana vezera rake, fungidziro dzechingochani dzakatanga munguva yake yekutanga-kuyaruka. Fungidziro hadzinyanye kuratidza hunhu hwepabonde mairi uye seyadzo sekubatsira kukunda misiyano yakasimba Muchiitiko ichi, izvi zviri pachena, nekuti vakomana vese verudzi urwu vakadzidziswa hukama hwepabonde: kutanga, nevana vakuru, mune chinzvimbo chevamwe vanhu; zvino, sezvavanokura, nevaya vari vadiki, mune chinzvimbo chevanoshanda. Pfungwa yeiyi tsika yekutangisa ndeyekuti vechidiki vagamuchire simba revakuru vavo. Mumakumi maviri avo vanoroora. Uye chii chinonakidza, nekusvika kwechiitiko ichi, chavo fungidziro vanova murume kunyangwe yaimbove tsika yekungoita uye ungochani unoshanda. Iye chete ngochani anoteedzera vana murudzi uyo akaongororwa naStoller naGerdt, kurara nevarume vakuru pane vamwe vakomana, zviri pachena kuti havana kunzwa kubatana navo, nekuti fungidziro dzake dzaive dzakanangana vakomana... Kubva pane izvi tinogona kugumisa kuti akarwadziwa kurambwa nevezera rake uye akazvinzwa kuti akasiyana, kunyanya kubva kune vamwe vakomana, mutorwa.

Muenzaniso wedzinza reSambia unoratidza kuti ngochani zviitiko hazvina kufanana nezvido zveungochani. Ungochani "Chaicho" hushoma mutsika zhinji. Mumwe Kashmiri akadzidza akambondiudza chivimbo chake chekuti ungochani haupo munyika yake, uye ini ndakanzwa zvimwe chete kubva kumupristi akashanda kweanopfuura makore makumi mana kuchamhembe kwakadziva kumabvazuva kweBrazil, chizvarwa chemudunhu irori. Tinogona kukakavara kuti panogona kunge paine zviitiko zvakavanzika, kunyange izvi zvisina chokwadi. Izvo zvinogona zvakare kufungidzirwa kuti mutsauko urimo munyika idzodzo vakomana nevasikana vanorapwa, uye kuti kubvumirana kwevakomana sevakomana nevasikana sevasikana, neruremekedzo rwakafanira, inzira yakanaka kwazvo yekudzivirira. Vakomana vanokurudzirwa kunzwa sevakomana uye vasikana vanokurudzirwa kuti vanzwe sevasikana.

Kunyengedza

Kudzidza dzinza reSambia kunogona kubatsira mukunzwisisa kuti kunyengera kunobatsira sei mukusimudzira ungochani. Kunyengedza hakugone kutariswa sechinhu chinokonzeresa chinokonzeresa muvana nevechiri kuyaruka vane zvakajairika chivimbo chevakadzi. Nekudaro, iyo yakakosha kupfuura iyo yakamboitwa kwemakumi emakore. Imwe ongororo yeChirungu yakaona kuti kunyangwe 35% yevakomana uye 9% yevasikana vakaongororwa vakabvuma kuti vakaedza kuvanyengedza ngochani, chete 2% yevakomana uye 1% yevasikana vakabvuma. Mune ino kesi, isu tinogona kutarisa chokwadi ichi kubva kune imwe nzira kona. Hazvina musoro kufunga kuti kunyengerera kunogona kukuvadza kana wechidiki atove nehurema hwevakadzi kana kana kufunga kwake kwekuyaruka kwatanga kutarisa pazvinhu zvechikadzi. Kunyengerera, mune mamwe mazwi, kunogona kusimbisa kuumbwa kweungochani, uye dzimwe nguva kutopisa zvido zveungochani kune avo vachiri kuyaruka vasina kuchengeteka nezvehunhu hwavo. Ngochani varume vakandiudza nezve izvi kanoverengeka. Imwe nyaya yakaitika seizvi: “Mumwe ngochani akandibata nemutsa uye akamutsa tsitsi mandiri. Akambozama kundinyengerera asi ndakamboramba. Gare gare ndakatanga kufunga nezvekuita zvepabonde nemumwe murume wechidiki wandaida uye wandaida kushamwaridzana naye. Naizvozvo, kunyengerera hakuna mhosva zvakanyanya sekuda kwevamwe kuda kutivimbisa nezvazvo (iyi pfungwa ndeyekuparidzira kwekutadza nekurera vana nengochani). Saizvozvowo, iyo "mamiriro ezvepabonde" mumba - zvinonyadzisira, mafirimu eungochani - anogona zvakare kusimbisa se-asi-isina kujekeswa zvido zveungochani. Vamwe ngochani vangangodaro vanozoita bonde kana vasina fungidziro dzengochani panguva yakaoma nguva yekuyaruka kwekushushikana mupfungwa. Ivo vanogona chinyararire kupfuura yavo yekuzvarwa, zvikuru isina kudzika, inokwezva kushamiswa kweshamwari uye zvidhori zvebonde ravo. Kune vamwe vasikana, kushungurudzwa kwevanhurume nevanhukadzi kwakawedzera, kana kusimbiswa, pre-iripo zvido zveungochani. Zvisinei, izvi hazvigone kutariswa sechikonzero chete; isu hatifanire kurasikirwa nekuona kwekubatana pamwe nekumberi kukura kweiyi pfungwa yeusina hukadzi.

5. Ungochani uye hunhu

Ungochani nehana

Musoro wehana unonyanya kufuratirwa nazvino psychology uye psychiatry. Izwi rekusapinda mune zvematongerwo enyika rinodzora pfungwa yehana, iyo inonzi Freud's superego, haigoni kutsanangura masimba epfungwa ekuziva kwechokwadi kweunhu. Iyo superego inotsanangurwa seyakazara kwemirau yese inonzwisisika yemitemo yehunhu. "Zvakanaka" uye "zvakaipa" maitiro hazvibvi pane zvachose mhedzisiro, asi pane seti yetsika, yakanyanya mamiriro. Huzivi hwepfungwa iyi hunoti tsika nemagariro ane hukama uye mutserendende: "Ndiri ani kuti ndikuudze zvakanaka kwauri uye nechakaipa; zvakajairika nezvisipo. ”

Muchokwadi, munhu wese, kusanganisira munhu wemazuvano, neimwe nzira kana imwe, zvakanyanyisa kana zvishoma "anoziva" nezve kuvapo kwe "kusingaperi", sekudanwa kwavakaitwa kunyange neyekare, mitemo yetsika uye nekukurumidza uye vakazvimiririra kusiyanisa pakati pekuba, kunyepa, kunyengera, kupandukira, kuponda , kubata chibharo, nezvimwewo sehuipi mukati (zviito zvakashata mukati mawo), uye rupo, ushingi, kutendeseka uye kuvimbika - sezvakanaka uye runako mukukosha. Kunyangwe hunhu nehunhu zvichinyanya kuoneka mumaitiro evamwe (Wilson 1993), isu tinosiyanisa hunhu hwedu matiriwo. Iko kune musiyano wemukati wezviito zvakashata zvakasikwa uye zvinangwa, zvisinei kuti iyo ego inotsvaga sei kudzvinyirira uyu musiyano, kuti urege kusiya zviito uye zvinangwa izvi. Uku kutonga kwemukati mehunhu ibasa rekuziva kwechokwadi. Kunyange chiri chokwadi kuti kumwe kuratidzwa kwekuzvitsoropodza kwetsika kunovhiringidza uye kuongororwa kwehana kwakamonyaniswa, muzviitiko zvakawanda hana yemunhu inopupurira hunhu chaihwo hunopfuura "kungofungira tsika." Isu tinopera nzvimbo kana tikatanga kupa ruzivo rwepfungwa uye chokwadi chekutsigira iyi maonero. Zvakadaro, kumucherechedzi asina rusaruro, kuvapo kwe "kuziva kwechokwadi" kuri pachena.

Uku kutaura hakusi kwekuwedzeredza, nekuti hana chinhu chepfungwa chinoregererwa zviri nyore muhurukuro pamusoro penyaya dzakaita sengochani. Semuenzaniso, hatigone kuregeredza chiitiko cheudzvanyiriri hwehana, iyo, sekutaura kwaKierkegaard, yakakosha kupfuura kudzvanyirira bonde. Kudzvanywa kwehana hakuna kumbobvira kwakwana uye pasina mhedzisiro, kunyangwe mune anonzi psychopaths. Kuziva kwekuva nemhosva kana, mumazwi echiKristu, kutadza kunoramba kuchingogara pakadzika pemoyo.

Zivo yechokwadi kuziva uye kudzvinyirira kwayo kwakakosha zvakanyanya kune chero mhando ye "psychotherapy". Nekuti hana inogara ichitora chikamu mukukurudzira uye maitiro.

(Muenzanisiro wechokwadi chepfungwa chekuti zvishuwo zvako zvebonde hazvionekwe sounzenza sezvishuwo zvebonde zvevamwe kusazvibata kwengochani kune vanoita zvebonde. Mukubvunzurudzwa, mumwe murume anokwezva ane hungochani anobva kuAmsterdam akadurura nzizi dzehasha kune waanoshanda naye, achivadaidza kuti "hupombwe." : "Kuita bonde nevana vadiki vakadaro!" Akaenderera mberi achiratidza tariro yekuti mupari wemhosva achabatwa nemhosva nekupihwa shamhu yakanaka ("De Telegraaf" 1993, 19). Pfungwa inongouya mupfungwa: kushandisa vana vasina mhosva nevachiri kuyaruka kugutsa mumwe munhu kuchiva kwakashatiswa - izvi zvakasviba. ”Uyu murume aratidza kugona kwake kuita tsika dzakanaka kune hunhu hwevamwe vanhu, uye panguva imwechete - hupofu mukuyedza kwake kuyedza kunyengerera vadiki nevakuru kuzviito zvakasiyana zveungochani uye kuvandudza pamubhadharo wavo: hupofu humwe chete, izvo uyo anofamba achizoshamiswa nazvo maererano neunzenza hwake.)

Anorapa asinganzwisise izvi, haakwanise kunyatsonzwisisa zviri kuitika muhupenyu hwemukati yevatengi vazhinji, uye ari panjodzi yekutaura zvisizvo zvinhu zvakakosha zvehupenyu hwavo nekuzvikuvadza. Kwete kushandisa mwenje wehana yemutengi, kunyangwe ikaomesa sei, zvinoreva kuita chikanganiso pakusarudza nzira dzakakodzera kwazvo uye nemano akakodzera. Hapana wevazvino uno wehunyanzvi hwekuzvibata akataura nezve mabasa echokwadi (panzvimbo yeFreudian ersatz) ndiye munhu mukuru mumunhu, kunyangwe mune varwere vane kukanganisika kwepfungwa kwepfungwa, zvakasimba kupfuura iye akakurumbira wepfungwa wechiFrench Henri Baryuk (1979)

Kunyangwe izvi, vazhinji nhasi vanoona zvakanyanya kuoma kuzvitendisa kuti, pamusoro pemitemo yetsika yepasirese, panofanirwa kuve nehunhu hwese mutsika mune zvebonde. Asi, zvinopesana nehunhu hwakasununguka hwepabonde, mhando zhinji dzepabonde uye zvishuwo zvichiri kunzi "zvakasviba" uye "zvinosemesa." Mune mamwe mazwi, manzwiro evanhu nezvehupombwe haasati achinja zvakanyanya (kunyanya kana zvasvika pamafambiro evamwe). Kuchiva kwepabonde, kutsvaga kugutsikana chete, kana pasina kana mumwe munhu, kunomutsa mune vamwe kunzwa kwakakosha kwekurambwa uye kunyangadzwa. Zvakare, kuzvidzora muhunhu hwepabonde - hutsanana mumazwi echiKristu - inokudzwa nepasi rose.

Icho chokwadi chekusvibiswa kwevatano nguva dzose uye kwese kwaanofungidzirwa sehupombwe, haatauri chete nezve chisiri chavo uye kusava nebasa, asi zvakare nezve kwekuisa pfungwa pachako. Saizvozvo, kudyara kusingadzorwi, udhakwa uye makaro zvinoonekwa nevanhu vari kure neakadaro maitiro, nekusemesa. Naizvozvo, hunhu hweungochani hunokonzeresa maitiro akashata muvanhu. Nechikonzero ichi, ngochani dzinodzivirira mararamiro avo havatarise zviitiko zvavo zvepabonde, asi panzvimbo pezvo, "rudo" rwechingochani runokudzwa munzira dzose. Uye kutsanangura kwepfungwa kusanzwisisika kunokonzerwa neungochani muvanhu, ivo vakatanga zano rekuti "humhombwe", vachiita zvisina kujairika. Asi vazhinji vavo, uye kwete avo chete vakagamuchira kurerwa kwechiKristu, vanobvuma kuti vanonzwa vaine mhosva nekuda kwavo (semuenzaniso, aichimbova murume ari pfambi inotaura nezve "kunzwa kwake zvivi" muHoward 1991). Vazhinji vanozvinyangadza pachavo mushure mekuita ngochani. Zviratidzo zvekuva nemhosva zviripo kunyangwe kune avo vanoshevedza vavanotaura navo zvisingaite kunge vakanaka. Humwe kuratidzwa kwekunetseka, kushushikana, kutadza kunyatsofara, tsika yekupa mhosva nekutsamwisa inotsanangurwa neizwi rekuti "hana yakachena". Kupindwa muropa nebonde kwakaoma kwazvo kuziva kusagutsikana kukuru mukati mako. Ruchiva rwebonde runoyedza kuvanza manzwiro akasimba ehunhu, ayo, zvisinei, hahuri kushanda zvachose.

Izvi zvinoreva kuti nharo inosarudzika uye yakanakisa kuneungochani kuti asaite zvekufungidzira ichave yake yemanzwiro emukati yezvinhu zvakachena nezvisina kuchena. Asi sei kuunza kune kuziva? Nekutendeseka pamberi pake, achifungisisa akanyarara, kudzidza kuteerera inzwi rehana yake uye kusaterera kukakavara kwemukati kwakadai: "Nei?" Kana "Handigoni kumira kugutsa ichi" kana "Ndine kodzero yekutevera hunhu hwangu" . Govera imwe nguva kuti udzidze kuteerera. Kufungisisa mibvunzo iyi: "Kana ndikanyatsoteerera uye ndisina rusaruro ndikateerera zviri kuitika mukati memoyo wangu, ndichaenderana sei nehunhu hwangu? Kumurambidza? ”Chete ane hushingi uye hushingi nzeve ndiye anonzwa mhinduro uye adzidze kurairwa kwehana.

Chitendero neungochani

Mumwe muKristu wechidiki aive nechido chekuda ungochani akandiudza kuti, kuverenga Bhaibheri, akawana zvikonzero zvekuyananisa hana yake nehukama hwaaive nahwo panguva iyoyo, chero iye akaramba ari muKristu akatendeka. Sezvaitarisirwa, mushure mechinguva akasiya chinangwa ichi, achienderera mberi nehunhu hwake, uye kutenda kwake kwakapera. Uku ndiko kuguma kwevazhinji vechidiki kuyedza kuyananisa zvinhu zvisingagadzirisike. Kana ivo vakakwanisa kuzvisimbisa pachavo kuti ungochani hwakanaka uye hwakanaka, ipapo ivo vangarasikirwa nekutenda kana kugadzira yavo pachavo, inobvumirana nehukasha hwavo. Mienzaniso yezvese mikana haigone kuverengerwa. Semuenzaniso, iye anozivikanwa wechiDutch murume anoita zvechingochani, muKaturike, parizvino anoita basa remupristi munyengeri uyo "anokomborera" varoora vadiki (vasingabatanidze ungochani, zvakadaro) pamhemberero dzemichato nekuita tsika pamariro.

Nekudaro, mubvunzo unonakidza unomuka: sei vakawanda ngochani, maPurotesitendi uye maKatorike, varume nevakadzi, vanofarira zvechitendero uye vachiwanzoita vafundisi kana vapristi? Chikamu chemhinduro chiri pakurwara kwavo kusakosha kwekutarisirwa uye kushamwaridzana. Vanoona sevhisi senge inonakidza uye neyekunzwa “hanya”, uye vanozviratidzira maari seanoremekedzwa uye anoremekedzeka, akasimudzirwa pamusoro pevanhuwo zvavo. Chechi inozviratidza kwavari senyika ine ushamwari isina makwikwi, mavanogona kunakidzwa nenzvimbo yakakwirira uye panguva imwechete vachidzivirirwa. Kune varume ngochani kune chinowedzera chechimiro chechimiro chakavharirwa munhurume munharaunda ivo vasingade kuzviratidza sevanhurume. Lesbians, zvakare, inokwezva neakasarudzika munharaunda yevakadzi, yakafanana neyeimba. Mukuwedzera, mumwe munhu anoda kusabatana uko ivo vanobatana nehunhu uye maitiro evafudzi uye inoenderana nekwavo vakanyanya hushamwari uye hunyoro hunhu. MuchiKatorike neOrthodoxy, zvipfeko zvevapristi uye zvekunakisa zvetsika zvinokwezva, izvo zvekufungidzira kwevakadzi nevarume vanoita ungochani zvinoita kunge zvechikadzi uye zvinokutendera kuti uzviratidze wega zvisizvo, zvinoenderana nemafaro evanoratidzwa nevatambi vechingochani.

Izvo zvinoda kuziva kuti vakadzi vechisimba vanogona kukwezvwa nebasa remupristi. Mune ino kesi, kune avo vane pfungwa yekuva, inokwezva inorara mukuzivikanwa kuruzhinji, pamwe nekugona kutonga vamwe. Zvinoshamisa kuti mamwe masangano echiKristu haatadzise chishuvo chevachingochani kuita mabasa ehupirisita; mune mamwe manyuko ekare, mune dzekare, semuenzaniso, ngochani vakaita basa rehupirisita.

Nekudaro, zvido zvakadaro zvinokura zvakanyanya kubva pane zvakafunga zvega, zvisina kana chekuita nekutenda kwechiKristu. Uye chokwadi chekuti vamwe vanoita ngochani vanoona se "shanduro" yebasa chishuvo chemweya wakazara, asi wakashata, mararamiro. Uku kudana ”ndeyekunyepedzera uye manyepo. Pasina mubvunzo kutaura, vashumiri ava nevapirisita vanoparidza zvakapfava, tsika dzevanhu dzepfungwa dzechinyakare, kunyanya tsika dzetsika, uye pfungwa yakatsauka yerudo. Uyezve, ivo vanogadzira kuumba hungochani mukati memharaunda dzechechi. Mukuita izvi, ivo vanoisa panjodzi yakavanzika yedzidziso yakajeka uye vanokanganisa kubatana kwechechi netsika yavo yekuumba mapoka anoparadza ayo asingazvitarise kune chenyika chechi yepamutemo (muverengi angarangarira hukama hwechingochani hwe "zvisiri-accessories"). Kune rimwe divi, ivo vanowanzoshaya chiyero uye simba rehunhu hwakakodzera kuita hushumiro yekurayira sababa.

Kudanwa kwechokwadi kunogona kuperekedzwa neungochani here? Ini handidi kuramba izvi zvizere; Kwemakore, ndaona kusarudzika kwakati wandei. Asi, sekutonga, hunhu hweungochani, kungave kuchiratidzira muzviitiko kana kuti kuchiratidzwa muhupenyu hwepamoyo chete, hunofanirwa kutorwa seuchapupu hwekusiri hwemashura unofarira hupirisita.

6. Basa rerapi

Mashoko mashoma anofunga nezve "psychotherapy"

Kana ini ndisina kukanganisa mukuongorora kwangu, mazuva akanakisa e "psychotherapy" apera. Zana ramakumi maviri yaive nguva yepfungwa uye kurapwa kwepfungwa. Aya maSainzi, akavimbisa zviwanikwa zvikuru mumunda wekuziva kwevanhu uye nzira nyowani dzekuchinja hunhu uye kuporesa matambudziko epfungwa nezvirwere, zvakasimudza tarisiro huru. Zvisinei, mhedzisiro yacho yaive yakapesana. Zvizhinji zve "zvakawanikwa", semafungiro mazhinji ezvikoro zveFreudian neo-Freudian, zvakazove zvekunyepedzera - kunyangwe ivo vachiri kuwana vateveri vavo vakasindimara. Iyo psychotherapy haina kuita zvirinani. Iyo psychotherapy boom (Herink's 1980 bhuku pane psychotherapy rondedzero pamusoro pe250) inoita kunge yapera; kunyangwe iyo tsika yekurapwa kwepfungwa yakagamuchirwa nesosaiti - nekukurumidza zvisingaite, ndinofanira kutaura - tariro yekuti ichaunza mibairo mikuru yapera. Iko kusahadzika kwekutanga kwaive nechekuita nekufungidzira kwe psychoanalysis. Hondo Yenyika II isati yatanga, nyanzvi yezvepfungwa yakaita saWilhelm Steckel akaudza vadzidzi vake kuti "kana tikasaita zvitsva zvitsva, psychoanalysis ichaenda kunopera." Muma60, kutenda mune dzepfungwa-kurapa kwakatsiviwa neinoita senge kwesainzi "maitiro ekurapa", asi haina kurarama maererano nezvayakataura. Zvakafanana zvakaitika nezvikoro zvitsva zvakawanda chaizvo uye "hunyanzvi" izvo zvakarumbidzwa sekufambira mberi kwesainzi, uye kazhinji senzira dziri nyore dzekuporesa uye mufaro. Muchokwadi, mazhinji acho aisanganisira "marasha anopisa" epfungwa dzekare, achidudzirwa uye akashandurwa kuita sosi yemubhadharo.

Mushure mekufunga kwakawanda kwazvo uye nzira dzakadzingwa soutsi (maitiro anoenderera nanhasi), mashoma mazano akapfava uye pfungwa dzakajairika dzakasara. Zvishoma, asi zvakadaro chimwe chinhu. Kune chikamu chikuru, isu takadzokera kune echinyakare ruzivo uye nzwisiso yepfungwa, pamwe ichidzama mune dzimwe nzvimbo dzayo, asi pasina mabudiro ekufadza, senge mufizikiki kana nyeredzi. Hongu, zvava kujekera kuti isu tinofanira "kuwanazve" zvokwadi dzekare, dzakadzivirirwa neiri pachena kukura kwedzidziso nyowani mumunda wepfungwa nepfungwa. Semuenzaniso, zvinodikanwa kutendeukira zvakare kumubvunzo wekuvapo nekushanda kwehana, kukosha kwehunhu hwakadai sekushinga, kugutsikana nezvishoma, moyo murefu, kuzvipira sekupesana neiyo egocentrism, nezvimwe. Kana zviri zvekubudirira kwenzira dzepfungwa, mamiriro acho anogona kufananidzwa nekuyedza kugadzirisa mutauro. yakataurwa kubva paudiki (uye izvi zvakare zvinogoneka), kana nemaitiro ekurega kuputa: unogona kubudirira chero iwe uchirwisa tsika. Ini ndinoshandisa izwi rekuti "kurwira" nekuti kuporesa kunoshamisa hakufanirwe kutarisirwa. Iko hakuna zvakare nzira dzekukunda iyo ungochani yakaoma, umo iwe yaunogona kunyatso gara uri pasiti mamiriro ("hypnotize me uye ini ndichamutsa munhu mutsva"). Maitiro kana maitiro anobatsira, asi kushanda kwawo kunoenderana zvakanyanya pakunzwisisa kwakajeka kwehunhu hwako uye zvinangwa uye pachido chechokwadi uye chisingachinjiki.

Ruzha "psychotherapy" inogona kupa rubatsiro rwakakosha kuti unzwisise kwakatangira uye maitiro ekutsamwisa ehukadzi nehupombwe, asi haapi zvinowanikwa zvinogona kutungamira mukuchinja nekukurumidza. Semuenzaniso, hapana psychotherapy inogona kupa rusununguko rwakazara, seizvo zvimwe zvikoro zvinoedza kufungidzira, nekusvinudza zvakadhindwa ndangariro kana manzwiro. Izvo zvakare hazvigone kupfupisa nzira nerubatsiro rwehunyanzvi dzakagadzirirwa nzira dzekudzidzisa dzakavakirwa pane dzinofungidzirwa kuti idzva kunzwisisa kwemirairo yekurayira. Asi, pfungwa yakajairika uye yakadzikama, basa rezuva nezuva rinodiwa pano.

Kudiwa kweanorapa

Saka murapi anodikanwa here? Kunze kwezviitiko zvakanyanya, chirevo chekurangarira ndechekuti hakuna munhu anogona kufamba nenzira iyi ari ega. Kazhinji, munhu ari kuyedza kubvisa iyo neurotic tata zvakanyanya anoda mumwe munhu wekumutungamira kana kumuraira. Mutsika yedu, murapi anonyanya kugadzirisa izvi. Nehurombo, vazhinji vezvepfungwa havagone kubatsira ngochani kukurira kwavo kwakaomarara, sezvo vasina ruzivo rwehunhu hwemamiriro aya uye vachigovana rusaruro rwekuti hapana chingaitwe kana kusafanirwa kuitwa nacho. Naizvozvo, kune vazhinji vanoda kuchinja, asi vasingagoni kuwana nyanzvi mubatsiri, "murapi" anofanira kunge ari munhu ane njere uye neruzivo rwezvakakosha zvepfungwa, uyo anokwanisa kucherechedza uye ave neruzivo mukutungamira kwevanhu. Munhu uyu anofanirwa kuve nehungwaru hwakavandudzwa uye agone kumisikidza kuvimba kuvimba (hukama). Chokutanga pane zvose, iye pachake anofanira kunge ari munhu akaenzana, akagwinya mupfungwa uye mutsika. Uyu anogona kuve mufundisi, mupristi kana mumwe mushumiri wechechi, chiremba, mudzidzisi, mushandi wezvemagariro - kunyangwe mabasa aya asingavimbise kuwanikwa kwetarenda rekurapa. Kune avo vanotambura neungochani, ndingakurudzira kukumbira munhu akadaro kuti avatungamirire maari vavanoona kuvapo kwemhando dziri pamusoro. Regai murapi wekuzvidira akadaro azvione semukuru shamwari-mubatsiri, baba avo, vasina fungidziro yesainzi, vanotungamirirwa zvine hungwaru nehungwaru hwavo uye njere. Pasina mubvunzo, anofanirwa kudzidza kuti ungochani chii, uye ini ndinomupa ichi chinyorwa kuti ndisimbise kunzwisisa kwake. Hazvikurudzirwe, zvakadaro, kuti uverenge mabhuku akawandisa pamusoro penyaya iyi, sezvo akawanda ezvinyorwa izvi achingotsausa.

“Mutengi” anoda maneja. Anofanira kusunungura manzwiro ake, ataure pfungwa dzake, ataure nyaya yehupenyu hwake. Iye anofanira kukurukura kuti hungochani hwake hwakatanga, mashandiro ake anoshanda sei. Iyo inofanirwa kukurudzirwa kune maitiro ane maitiro, akadzikama uye akasimba ekurwa; iwe zvakare unofanirwa kutarisa kuti ari kufambira mberi sei mukurwira kwake. Wese munhu anodzidza kuridza chiridzwa anoziva kuti zvinowanzoitika zvidzidzo zvakakosha. Mudzidzisi anotsanangura, anoruramisa, anokurudzira; mudzidzi anoshanda chidzidzo mushure mechidzidzo. Ndozvazvakaita nemhando ipi neipi yepfungwa.

Dzimwe nguva ex-gay inobatsira vamwe kukunda matambudziko avo. Ivo vane mukana wekuti ivo vatange vaona ruoko rwemukati uye matambudziko eungochani. Uyezve, kana vakanyatsochinja, saka kushamwari yavo mukana unokurudzira wekuchinja. Kunyange zvakadaro, ini handiratidze kunakirwa kwemhinduro yakafanana, pasina mubvunzo yakanyatsogadzirirwa kune mubvunzo wekurapa. Iyo neurosis yakadai seungochani inogona kutokundwa kusvika pamwero mukuru, asi maitiro akasiyana-siyana echiratidzo uye nzira dzekufunga, tisingatauri zvinodzokera nguva nenguva, zvinogona kuramba zviripo kwenguva yakareba. Mune zviitiko zvakadaro, mumwe haafanire kuedza kubva pakutanga kuti ave chiremba wepfungwa; Asati atanga chinhu chakadai, munhu anofanira kurarama makore mashoma mashanu ari mushanduko yakakwana yemukati, kusanganisira kuwanikwa kwemanzwiro echikadzi. Nekudaro, sekutonga, ndiye "chaiye" murumekadzi anogona kumutsa humhandara muhurume hwechingochani nani pane chero munhu, nekuti avo vasina matambudziko nekuzvizivikanwa kwechirume vanogona kukurudzira kuzvivimba kwechirume pakati pevaya vanozvitadza. Uye zvakare, kuda "kupodza" vamwe kungave senzira yekuzvisimbisa kune mumwe munhu anodzivirira basa rakakura paari. Uye dzimwe nguva, chishuvo chakavanzika chekuenderera mberi nekudyidzana ne "hukama hwehupenyu", chinogona kusanganiswa nechinangwa chechokwadi chekubatsira avo vari kusangana nematambudziko aanoziva.

Ini ndataura murapi - iye "baba" kana mutevedzeri wake mutevedzeri. Ko vakadzi? Handifunge kuti vakadzi vangave sarudzo yakanakisa yerudzi urwu rwekurapa nevakuru, kunyangwe kune vatengi vevabonde. Kukurukurirana kwechokwadi uye rutsigiro kubva kune vasikana uye vanopa mazano zvinogona kubatsira; zvisinei, iyo yakareba (yemakore-yakareba) basa rekusimba uye risingachinjiki kutungamira uye kutungamira kweungochani kunoda kuvepo kwechimiro chababa. Ini handifunge nezverusarura kuvakadzi, nekuti dzidziso nekurerwa zvine zvinhu zviviri - murume nemukadzi. Amai vacho vanonyanya kuve vega, vakananga, mudzidzisi wemanzwiro. Ivo baba vazhinji vemutungamiri, murairidzi, chipangamazano, tomu uye simba. Varapi vechikadzi vakanyanya kukodzera kurapwa kwevana nevasikana vachiri kuyaruka, nevarume verudzi urwu rwekudzidzisa hunoda hunhu hwehutungamiriri hwevanhurume. Funga nezve chokwadi chekuti kana baba vasipo pamwe nesimba ravo rechirume, vanaamai vanowanzoomerwa nekurera vanakomana (uye kazhinji vanasikana!) Muvachiri kuyaruka nevachiri kuyaruka.

7. Kuzviziva iwe pachako

Iko kukura kweudiki nehudiki

Kuziva iwe pachako, kutanga kwezvose, chinangwa ruzivo rwehunhu hwavo hunhu, kureva, zvinangwa zvavo zvehunhu, maitiro, maonero; ungazotiziva sei другие, vanotiziva chaizvo, sekunge kutarisa kubva kudivi. Zvakanyanya kudarika zvedu. subjective chiitiko chemoyo. Kuti azvinzwisise iye, munhu anofanirawo kuziva yake yepfungwa yepamberi, ave neruzivo rwakajeka rwekuti chimiro chake chakagadziridzwa sei, chii chinosimba chemuropa wake.

Zvingangoitika kuti muverengeri wekuda ungochani akazvigadzirisa yakawanda pachezvake, sekukurukurwa kwazvakaita muzvitsauko zvakapfuura. Muverengi anoda kuisa pfungwa idzi kwaari, kuti ave murapi weake, zvinoshanda, zvakadaro, kuongorora nhoroondo yake yepfungwa nenzira inonzwisisika. Nechinangwa ichi, ini ndinofunga irinotevera bvunzo.

Zviri nani kunyora mhinduro dzako; nekuda kweizvi, mifungo inova yakajeka uye yakanyanya kutaurwa. Mushure memavhiki maviri, tarisa mhinduro dzako uye gadzirisa zvaunofunga zvinoda kushandurwa. Kunzwisisa humwe hukama kunowanzo kuve nyore kana iwe uchirega mibvunzo "iwedzere" mupfungwa dzako kwechinguva.

Nhoroondo yekurapa (nhoroondo yako yepfungwa)

1. Tsanangura hukama hwako nababa vako pawakakura. Ungazvifananidza sei: kuva padyo, kutsigira, kuzivikanwa [nababa vako], nezvimwe. kana kupatsanura, kushora, kushaya kuzivikanwa, kutya, kuvenga kana kushora baba; chishuwo chekunzwira tsitsi uye kutarisisa, nezvimwe? Nyora pasi izvo zvinoenderana neukama hwako, kana zvichidikanwa, wedzera izvo zvisipo mune pfupi pfupi runyorwa. Ungatofanira kuita mutsauko kwenguva yakatarwa yekukura kwako, semuenzaniso: “Tisati tasvika pazera rekuyaruka (makore gumi nemana kusvika gumi nemana), hukama hwedu hwaive ...; ipapo, zvakadaro ... ".

2. Chii chandinofunga (kunyanya panguva yekuyaruka / kuyaruka) baba vangu vakafunga nezvangu? Uyu mubvunzo une hukama nepfungwa yako pamafungiro ababa vako pamusoro pako. Mhinduro, semuenzaniso, inogona kunge iri: "Akanga asingafarire ini," "Aindikoshesa zvishoma kupfuura hama (hanzvadzi)," "Aindiyemura," "Ini ndaive mwanakomana wake waanoda," nezvimwe.

3. Tsanangura hukama hwako hwazvino naye uye nemabatiro aunoita naye. Semuenzaniso, muri vepedyo, muri pamashoko ane hushamwari, zviri nyore sei kune imi vaviri, kunyangwe muchiremekedzana, nezvimwe. kana iwe une hasha, unonetsekana, wakatsamwa, unokakavara, unotya, uri kure, unotonhora, unozvitutumadza, wakarambwa, kukwikwidzana, nezvimwe Tsanangura hukama hwako nababa vako uye nemabatiro aunozviita iwe.

4. Tsanangura manzwiro aunoita amai vako, hukama hwako navo panguva yehudiki uye panguva yekuyaruka (mhinduro inogona kukamurwa). Kunyangwe vanga vari vane hushamwari, vachidziya, vepedyo, vakadzikama, nezvimwe. kana ivo vaimanikidza, vaitya, vaiparadzaniswa, vaitonhorera, nezvimwe. Gadziridza mhinduro yako nekusarudza iwo maficha aunofunga kuti ndiwo akajairika kwauri.

5. Unofunga kuti amai vako vakanzwa sei pamusoro pako (munguva yehudiki nehuchiri kuyaruka?) Vaifunga sei iwe? Semuenzaniso, akakuona iwe semukomana kana musikana "akajairika", kana iye akakubata iwe nenzira yakasarudzika, seshamwari yepedyo, chipfuwo, wake akanaka-modhi mwana?

6. Tsanangura hukama hwako parizvino naamai vako (ona mubvunzo 3).

7. Baba vako (kana sekuru, baba vokurera) vakakurera sei? Semuenzaniso, akakuchengetedza, akakutsigira, akakurudzira chirango, chivimbo, akapa rusununguko, akavimbwa; kana kurerwa kwacho kwakaenda nekukakavara nekusagutsikana kuzhinji, zvakanyanya, akaranga zvakawandisa, akabvunza, akazvidza; ndakubata zvakaoma kana zvinyoro, kukufadza, kukukwazisa uye kukubata iwe kunge mucheche? Wedzera chero hunhu husiri pane urwu runyorwa hunogona kutsanangura zvirinani nyaya yako.

8. Ndedzipi nzira dzawakaunzwa namai vako? (Ona hunhu mumubvunzo wechinomwe).

9. Baba vako vaikuchengeta nekukubata sei maererano nehunhu hwako? Nekurudziro, kunzwisisa, kwemukomana semukomana nemusikana semusikana, kana pasina ruremekedzo, pasina chero kunzwisisa, nekunetsekana, nekuzvidza?

10. Amai vako vaikuchengeta sei uye vaikubata sei maererano nehunhu hwako? (Ona mubvunzo 9)

11. Iwe uri vana vangani vehama (mwana wega; wekutanga pa __ vana; wechipiri pa __ vana; wekupedzisira pa __ vana, nezvimwewo). Izvi zvakakanganisa sei chimiro chako chepfungwa uye maitiro kwauri iwe mumhuri? Semuenzaniso, anononoka mwana anochengetedzwa uye kupurindwa; chinzvimbo chemukomana chete pakati pevasikana vanoverengeka uye maitiro kwaari, angangove akasiyana nechinzvimbo cheedangwe vehama dzinoverengeka uye chimiro kwaari, nezvimwe.

12. Wakazvienzanisa sei nehama dzako (kana iwe uri murume) kana hanzvadzi (kana uri mukadzi)? Wainzwa here kuti baba kana amai vako vakakusarudza kupfuura ivo, kuti iwe "waive" nani pane ivo nekuda kwehumwe hunyanzvi kana hunhu, kana kuti hauna kukosha?

13. Wakafungidzira sei hunhu hwako kana hukadzi uchienzaniswa nehama dzako (kana uri murume) kana hanzvadzi (kana uri mukadzi)?

14. Wanga uine shamwari dzechikadzi here semwana? Ndeipi yaive nzvimbo yako pakati pevamwe vezera rako? Semuenzaniso, iwe waive uine shamwari dzakawanda, wairemekedzwa, iwe waive mutungamiri, nezvimwe, kana iwe waive wekunze, mutevedzeri, nezvimwe.

15. Wanga uine shamwari dzechikadzi here panguva yekuyaruka? (ona mubvunzo 14).

16. Tsanangura hukama hwako nevakomana kana vasikana panguva yehudiki nekuyaruka, zvichiteerana (semuenzaniso, hapana hukama kana chete nevakomana kana vasikana, nezvimwewo).

17. Kune varume: wakambotamba semasoja, muhondo, nezvimwewo semwana? Kune vakadzi: wakambotamba nezvidhori, nematoyi nyoro?

18. Zvevarume: wanga uchifarira Hockey kana nhabvu? Zvakare, wakambotamba nezvidhori here? Wanga uchifarira zvekupfeka here? Ndokumbira utsanangure zvakadzama.

Vakadzi: waifarira zvipfeko uye mafuta ezvinyoro? Zvakare, waifarira mitambo yevakomana here? Tsanangura zvakadzama.

19. Sewechidiki, wakarwa, "kutaura wega," wakamboedza kuzvishingisa iwe, zvine mwero, kana zvakapesana?

20. Ndezvipi zvawainyanya kufarira kuita semudiki?

21. Wakatarisa sei muviri wako (kana nhengo dzayo), chitarisiko chako (semuenzaniso, wakauona serakanaka kana husingakwezve)? Tsanangura chaizvo izvo hunhu hunokukanganisa (chimiro, mhuno, maziso, nhengo yemurume kana mazamu, kukwirira, kuonda kana kuonda, nezvimwewo)

22. Wakatarisa sei muviri / chitarisiko chako maererano nehurume kana hukadzi?

23. Wakambove nehurema hwepanyama kana zvirwere here?

24. Ndeipi yaive tsika yako yenguva dzose muhudiki uyezve mukuyaruka? Kufara, kusuruvara, kuchinja, kana kugara?

25. Wakave nenguva dzakasarudzika dzekusurukirwa mukati kana kushushikana muhudiki kana kuyaruka? Kana zvirizvo, pazera ripi? Uye unoziva nei?

26. Wakave neyakareruka yakaoma muhudiki kana kuyaruka? Kana zvirizvo, munzvimbo dzipi chawakazvinzwa wakaderera?

27. Unogona here kutsanangura rudzii rwemwana / wechidiki zvawaive maererano nemaitiro nehunhu hwako panguva iyo kusazvidzika kwako kwakanzwikwa zvakanyanya kwauri? Semuenzaniso: "Ini ndaive ndoga, ndakazvimiririra kune wese munhu, ndakazvidzora, ndaizvida", "Ndainyara, ndairemekedza, ndaibatsira, ndaisurukirwa, asi panguva imwechete ndakagumbuka", "ndaive semucheche, ndaigona kuchema zviri nyore, asi panguva imwechete aisarudza "," ndakaedza kuzvisimbisa, ndikatsvaga kutarisisa "," ndaigara ndichiedza kufadza, ndinyemwerera uye ndaiita kunge ndinofara nechokunze, asi mukati ndaive ndisina mufaro "," ndaive chiseko kune vamwe "," ndaiteerera zvakanyanya "," ini raive gwara "," ini ndaive mutungamiri "," ndaive sabhuku, "nezvimwewo Edza kuyeuka zvinonyanya kushamisa hunhu hwako pahudiki kana pakuyaruka.

28. Ndezvipi zvimwe, kunze kweizvi, zvakaita basa rakakosha muhudiki hwako uye / kana kuyaruka?

Nezvekutaura ungochani nyaya, mibvunzo inotevera ichakubatsira:

29. Pazera rinenge zera ripi iwe pawakatanga kunzwa kufemerwa nemumwe munhu wechikadzi?

30. Chii chaive chimiro chake nehunhu hwake? Tsanangura chakakwezva iwe zvakanyanya kwaari.

31. Unenge makore mangani pawakatanga kuita zvido zveungochani kana fungidziro? (Mhinduro yacho inogona kunge yakafanana nemhinduro kumubvunzo 29, asi ndeyesarudzo.)

32. Ndiani anowanzo kumutsa kufarira kwako zvepabonde maererano nezera, hunhu hwekunze kana hunhu, hunhu, mapfekero? Mienzaniso yevanhurume: vechidiki vane makore 16-30 ekuberekwa, vakomana vasati vayaruka, vakadzi / vechirume / vezvemitambo, varume vemauto, vatete varume, blondes kana brunettes, vanhu vane mukurumbira, vane hunhu, "vasina hunhu", nezvimwe. Kune vakadzi: vakadzi vadiki zera ___; vakadzi vane makore ari pakati nepakati vane hunhu; vakadzi vezera rangu; etc.

33. Kana izvi zvikaitika kwauri, kangani pawakatanga kuita bonhora sewechidiki? Uye mushure?

34. Wakambove nekufungidzira kwepabonde here, uine kana pasina bonyora?

35. Wakambove nekunzwa kushushikana kana kudanana nemunhu webonde here?

36. Pane here zvakasarudzika muzviito zvako zvebonde kana fungidziro (masochism, sadism, nezvimwewo)? Pfupiso uye nekuzvidzora rondedzera kuti ndedzipi fungidziro kana hunhu hwevanhu hunokufadza, nekuti izvi zvichabatsira kuona iwo mativi aunonzwa kushomeka kwako.

37. Mushure mekufunga nekupindura iyi mibvunzo, nyora nhoroondo pfupi yehupenyu hwako, iine zviitiko zvakakosha uye zviitiko zvemukati zveudiki hwako uye kuyaruka.

Ndiri chii nhasi

Ichi chikamu chekuziva-kwako chakakosha zvakanyanya; kunzwisiswa kwepfungwa yake, iyo yakakurukurwa mundima yapfuura, kwakakosha chete nekuti zvinobatsira kuzvinzwisisa nhasi, kureva, tsika dzanhasi, manzwiro, uye, zvakanyanya kukosha, zvinangwa zvine chekuita nehurume hwechingochani.

Kuti ubudirire (self-) kurapa, zvinodikanwa kuti munhu atange kuzviona mune chaedza, sekuti munhu anotiziva anotiona chaizvo. Muchokwadi maonero ekuona inowanzo kosha zvakanyanya, kunyanya kana iwo iwo maonero evanotora nesu muzvinhu zvezuva nezuva. Vanogona kuvhura maziso edu kune maitiro kana maitiro atisingazive, kana ayo atisingazombozviziva. Iyi ndiyo nzira yekutanga yekuziva iwe: gamuchira uye nyatso ongorora zvakataurwa nevamwe, kusanganisira izvo zvausingade.

Yechipiri nzira - kuzviona... Inogadziriswa, kutanga, kuzviitiko zvemukati - manzwiro, pfungwa, fungidziro, zvinangwa / zvinangwa; uye rwechipiri, maitiro ekunze. Nezve izvo zvekupedzisira, isu tinogona kuyedza kuratidza maitiro edu sekunge tiri kuzvitarisa isu zvakaringana, kubva kunze, kubva chinhambwe. Ehezve, yemukati-yekuzvionera uye kuratidza kwehunhu hunhu kuburikidza nemeso eanotarisa kunze kunoenderana maitiro.

Kuzvirapa pachako, kunge kwakajairika psychotherapy, inotanga nenguva yekuzvitarisisa, inogara vhiki imwe kusvika maviri. Chaingave tsika yakanaka kugara uchinyora izvi zvinoonekwa (kunyangwe zvisiri hazvo zuva rega rega, chete kana chimwe chinhu chakakosha chikaitika). Ivo vanofanirwa kunyorwa nekudzora uye kusashanduka. Gadzira chidimbu chakakosha chezvikonzero izvi uye ita tsika yekurekodha zvawawona, pamwe nemibvunzo kana pfungwa dzakakosha. Kureketa hones kutarisa uye njere. Uyezve, zvinokutendera kuti udzidze zvinyorwa zvako nekufamba kwenguva, izvo, mune ruzivo rwevazhinji, zvinobatsira kunzwisisa zvimwe zvinhu kunyangwe zvirinani izvo zvinongorekodwa.

Chii chinofanira kunyorwa mudhayari rekuzvionera wega? Ngwarira kuchema,bhuku rekunyunyuta". Vanhu vane neurotic manzwiro vanowanzoita kuratidza kusagutsikana, uye saka vanogara vachizvinzwira tsitsi mune diary yekuzviona. Kana mushure mechinguva, vachiri kuverenga-nyora zvinyorwa, vanoona kuti vari kunyunyuta, saka ichi chiitiko chakajeka. Zvinogona kuitika kuti vaizvidemba kuti vakazvinzwira tsitsi panguva yekurekodha, saka pavaizozvionera vega kuti: "Wow, ndinonzwira tsitsi!"

Zvisinei, zviri nani kunyora pasi hutano hwako hwakadai seizvi: tsanangura muchidimbu manzwiro ako, asi usamira ipapo, asi wedzera kuyedza kwekufungisisa. Semuenzaniso, mushure mekunyora pasi: "Ndakanzwa kurwadziwa uye kusanzwisiswa," edza kufungisisa nezvazvo: "Ini ndinofunga panogona kunge paive nezvikonzero zvekurwadziwa, asi maitiro angu aive akawandisa, ndaive ndakanyatsoterera here; Ndakaita semwana mudiki "kana" Kudada kwangu kwouhwana kwakakuvadzwa mune zvese izvi, "nezvimwe.

Dhayari rinogona zvakare kushandiswa kunyora pfungwa dzakauya zvisingatarisirwi. Sarudzo dzakaitwa ndechimwe chinhu chakakosha, kunyanya nekuti kuzvinyora pasi kunovapa chokwadi chakasimba nekusimba. Nekudaro, kunyora pasi manzwiro, pfungwa, uye maitiro ndiyo chete nzira yekuenda kumagumo, ndokuti, kunzwisiswa kuri nani kwako. Kufunga kunodikanwawo, uko kunozopedzisira kwatungamira mukuziva kuri nani kwezvinangwa zvako, zvishuwo (kunyanya zvevacheche kana zvega).

Zvekutarisira

Kuziva-kwako kunowanikwa kuburikidza nekutarisisa nekunzwisisa kwavo nemifungo, zvisingafadze uye / kana zvinonakidza. Kana vosimuka, bvunza nezve chikonzero chavo, zvavanoreva, nei wakazvinzwa.

Manzwiro asina kunaka anosanganisira: kusurukirwa, kurambwa, kusiiwa, kurwadziwa moyo, kunyadziswa, kusava nebasa, kuneta, kusava nehanya, kusuwa kana kushushikana, kushushikana, kutya, kutya uye kushushikana, kunzwa kwekutambudzwa, kutsamwa, kutsamwa uye kutsamwa, shanje negodo, kuvava, kushuva (kune mumwe munhu), njodzi iri kuuya, kusahadzika, nezvimwewo, kunyanya chero kunze kwemanzwiro - zvese zvinoshungurudza, kunyanya zvinorangarirwa, zvese zvinorova kana zvinoshungurudza.

Kunzwa kwakabatana neiyo neurotic yakaoma inowanzobatanidzwa nemanzwiro. kusakwanaapo vanhu vanonzwa vasingadzoreki, apo "pasi riri kutsvedza kubva pasi petsoka dzavo." Nei ndakanzwa nenzira iyi? Zvinonyanya kukosha kuti uzvibvunze kuti: "Ko ura hwangu hwakaita se" mwana "? uye "Ko ini 'murombo wangu' haana kuzviratidza pano?" Chokwadi, muchokwadi, zvinoitika kuti mazhinji emanzwiro aya anokonzerwa nekusagutsikana kwevana, kukuvadzwa nekudada, kuzvinzwira tsitsi. Yekupedzisira mhedziso: "Mukati, ini handiite semurume mukuru kana mukadzi, asi zvakanyanya semwana, wechidiki." Uye kana iwe ukaedza kufungidzira iko kumeso kwako, iko kurira kwezwi rako pachako, fungidziro yawakaita kune vamwe nekutaura kwemanzwiro ako, ipapo iwe unozogona kunyatso kujekesa "mwana wemukati" wawanga uchingova. Mune kumwe kupindura kwemanzwiro uye maitiro, zviri nyore kuona hunhu hwehunhu, asi dzimwe nguva zvinonetsa kucherechedza huhwana mune mamwe manzwiro asina kunaka kana zvishuwo, kunyangwe zvichionekwa sekuvhiringidza, kusingadiwe, kana kufunga. Kusagutsikana ndicho chiratidzo chinowanzoonekwa chehunhu hwevacheche, kazhinji hunoratidza kuzvidzora.

Asi sei kusiyanisa infantile kusagutsikana kubva zvakajairika, zvakakwana, munhu mukuru?

1. Kuzvidemba kusiri kwevacheche uye kusagutsikana hazvibatanidzwe nekuzvikoshesa.

2. Ivo, sekutonga, havarase munhu pachiyero, uye anozvichengeta mukuzvibata.

3. Kunze kwemamiriro asinganzwisisike, iwo haaperekedzwe nemanzwiro akawandisa.

Kune rimwe divi, mamwe maitiro anogona kusanganisa zvese zvisina kukwana uye zvevakuru zvikamu. Kuodzwa mwoyo, kurasikirwa, chigumbu zvinogona kuve zvinorwadza mukati mazvo, kunyangwe kana munhu akazviitira nenzira youdiki. Kana mumwe munhu asinganzwisise kana maitiro ake achibva kune "mwana" uye kuti akasimba sei, saka zviri nani kusiya chiitiko chakadaro kwechinguva. Izvi zvichave pachena kana ukadzokera kwairi imwe nguva gare gare.

Tevere, iwe unofanirwa kunyatsodzidza maitiro ako maitiro Ndiko kuti, mhando dzehunhu kuvanhu: chishuwo chekufadza munhu wese, kuomesa musoro, kuvengana, kufungira, kuzvitutumadza, kuomerera, kutsigira kana kutsvaga hutongi, kuvimba nevanhu, kusaremekedza, kuzvitonga, kuomarara, kusava nehanya, kushoropodza, kumanikidza, hasha, kuzvidzora, kutya, kunzvenga kana kumutsa kukakavara, kuda kukakavara, kuzvirumbidza uye kupenga, kuita kwetsika, kuzvitutumadza nekutsvaga kuzvitarisira (nezvisarudzo zvisingaverengeki), nezvimwe. Musiyano unofanirwa kuitwa pano. Hunhu hunogona kusiyana zvichienderana nekuti hwakanangidzirwa kunaani: vanhu vevamwe varume kana vakadzi; nhengo dzemhuri, shamwari kana vatinoshanda navo; pamatanho epamusoro kana ezasi; pavasingazive kana pane vaunozivana navo zvakanaka. Nyora pasi zvaunocherekedza, uchitsanangura kuti ndeve rudzii rwehukama hwehukama hwavari Ratidza kuti hunhu hupi hwakajairika kwauri iwe neako "mwana" ego.

Chimwe chezvinangwa zvekuzviongorora kwakadaro kuratidza mabasa izvo zvinoridzwa nemunhu. Muzviitiko zvakawanda, aya ndiwo madanho ekuzvisimbisa uye kubata-kubata. Munhu anogona kutevedzera akabudirira, anonzwisisa, anofara pamwe, gamba renjodzi, asina dambudziko anotambura, asingabatsiri, asingakundiki, akakosha munhu, etc. (sarudzo hadziperi). Kutamba, kuburitsa humwe hunhu hwemukati, zvinoreva imwe nhanho yekusavimbika uye kuvanzika uye inogona kumuganhurira nhema.

Maitiro ekutaura inogonawo kutaurira zvakawanda nezvemunhu. Iyoyo toni yezwi inotakura ruzivo rwakawanda. Rimwe jaya rakatarisa pamabatirwo aakaitwa mazwi, vachidana vachisiririsa. Nekuda kwekufungisisa, akagumisa achiti: "Ini ndinofunga kuti ndisingazive kufunga kwemwana asina kusimba, kuyedza kuisa vamwe panzvimbo yevakuru vakanaka, vanonzwisisa." Mumwe murume akaona kuti, vachitaura nezvake uye nezvehupenyu, aimbojaira kutaura nenzira inoshamisa, uye kutaura zvazviri aive akajairira kuitisa zvishoma hutsinye kuzhinji dzezvakanyanya kuitika.

Kuongorora zvemukati yekutaura kwake. Kusagadzikana kweNeurotic nguva zhinji kunozviratidza pachimiro chekunyunyuta - kutaura uye neimwe nzira - nezvako, nezve mamiriro, nezve vamwe, nezve hupenyu hwese. Mukukurukurirana uye monologues kwevanhu vazhinji vane ungochani neurosis, huwandu hwakakura hwekufungidzira hunoonekwa: "Pandinoshanyira shamwari, ndinogona kutaura nezvangu kweinopfuura awa," mumwe mutengi akabvuma. "Uye pavanoda kundiudza nezvangu, pfungwa dzangu dzinodzungaira, uye zvinondiomera kuti ndivateerere." Uku kucherechedza hakusi kwekusarudzika. Kuzvifunga kunoenderana nekuhwihwidza, uye hurukuro zhinji dze "neurocissistic" dzevanhu dzinoguma nekunyunyuta. Nyora zvimwe zvekutaurirana kwako patepi uye uteerere kwavari katatu - iyi nzira isingafadzi uye inodzidzisa!

Kunyatso wongorora kwako maitiro kune vabereki nepfungwa nezvavo... Kana zviri zve "mwana" ego, hunhu hwake mune izvi hunogona kuratidzirwa nekuomerera, kupandukira, kuzvidza, godo, kupatsanurwa, kutsvaga kutariswa kana kuyemurwa, kuvimba, kusarudzika, nezvimwe zvakadaro Mafungiro ehucheche anoramba aripo kunyangwe vabereki (mubereki ) haichisiri: yakafanana pamusoro-yekubatanidza kana kuvengana uye kuzvidzwa! Siyanisa pakati pehukama hwako nababa vako naamai vako. Rangarira kuti "hunhu hwevana" hunowanzo kuwanikwa muhukama nevabereki, kungave kwekunze maitiro kana mune pfungwa nemanzwiro.

Kuongorora kumwechete kunofanira kuitwa maererano nekwavo hukama nemuroora, murume kana murume kana murume kana murume kana murume kana murume kana murume kana iyeye kana iyeye anonyanya kufadza... Maitiro mazhinji evana anowanikwa munzvimbo yekupedzisira: kutsvaga kwevana kutsvaga, kuita-kutamba, kuomerera; zviitwa zvine parasiti, zvinonyengera, zvine godo, nezvimwe. Iva akatendeseka pauri pachako mukutarisa kwako munzvimbo ino, nekuti ndipo panoda (kunzwisisika) kuramba, kwete kuona zvinangwa, kupembedza.

Nezvekutaura ini, cherekedza ndedzipi pfungwa pamusoro pako iwe dzaunadzo (zvese zvisina kunaka uye zvakanaka). Ziva kuzvidzora, kuzvitsoropodza, kuzvishora, kuzvitarisira pasi, nezvimwewo, asi zvakare narcissism, kuzvirumbidza, kuzviremekedza kwakavanzika mune chero pfungwa, kuzvirotera, nezvimwe. pfungwa, kufungidzira uye manzwiro. Iwe unokwanisa here kuona mafungiro, kusuwa mukati mako? Iko kune kunyudzwa kwekuziva mukuzvinzwira tsitsi? Kana zvinokwanisika kuzviparadza-kuzvibata uye maitiro? (Iyo yekupedzisira inozivikanwa se "psychic masochism," ndokuti, kuzviitira nemaune izvo zvinokuvadza nemaune, kana kunyudzwa mukuzviparira-pachako kana nemaune kuwana kutambura).

Nezvekutaura zvepabonde, funga pamusoro pekufungidzira kwako uye edza kumisikidza maitiro echitarisiko, maitiro kana maitiro emunhu anomutsa kufarira kwako kune chaiye kana kufungidzira mumwe wako. Wobva wagadzirisa ivo nekwavo kwekunzwa kwevakaderera maererano nemutemo: chii chinotibata isu mune vamwe ndizvo chaizvo zvatinoona sevakaderera. Edza kuona kuyemurwa kwevana kana kunamata zvifananidzo muchiratidzo chako che "shamwari" dzinofungidzirwa. Edza kuona izvo kuedza uchizvienzanisa nechimwe murume wechikadzi chako mukukwezva kwake uye mune izvo zvinorwadza kunzwa kwakasanganiswa nechido chechido. Chaizvoizvo, uku kurwadza kana shungu imanzwiro ehucheche: "Ini handina kufanana naye (iye)" uye, maererano, kunyunyuta kana kugomera kunoshungurudza: "Maitiro andinoda iye (iye) kuti anditeerere, murombo, chisikwa chisina kukosha" Kunyangwe zvisiri nyore kwazvo kuongorora manzwiro e "rudo" homoerotic, zvakadaro hazvo zvakakosha kuti uzive kuvapo kwechinangwa chekuzvishandira, kutsvaga kweshamwari ine rudo, mune idzi manzwiro. zvangu, semwana anoda nemusoro kuti wese afarire. Cherechedzawo zvikonzero zvipi zvepfungwa zvinokonzeresa fungidziro yebonde kana kuti kuda kuita bonhora. Kazhinji idzi imanzwiro yekusagutsikana uye kuodzwa mwoyo, saka zvido zvepabonde zvine basa rekunonyaradza "murombo chaiye".

Uyezve, izvo zvinodiwa kuti uterereunoita sei "basa" remurume kana mukadzi. Tarisa uone kana paine humbowo hwekutya nekudzivirira kwezviitiko nezvido zvinoratidzwa nehunhu hwako, uye kuti unonzwa kunge wakaderera mukuzviita. Une tsika uye zvaunofarira izvo zvisingaenderani nehure hwako? Idzi zviyambo-zvechisikana kana atypical-femu zvido nezvimiro zvinonyanya kuita zvisina basa, uye kana ukanyatsovatarisa, unogona kugaroziva chiri pasi pekutya kana kunzwa kwekusadzika Uku kusarongeka kwevakadzi kunogona kutaurawo nezvehuscerrism uye kusasimba. Semuenzaniso, mumwe mukadzi akaona kuti nzira dzaaida uye dzeudzvanyiriri "dzakafanana" nenzira yekuzvisimbisa muhudiki hwake, kwaakashandukira aine chinangwa chekutsvaga nzvimbo yake pakati pevanhu, nepfungwa yekuti "haazi wake". Ichi chiitiko, ikozvino chimiro chake chechipiri (zita rakanyatsojeka), ave mafungiro ake ehuduku a "neniwo." Mumwe murume ngochani neakajeka pseudo -kadzi maitiro akaona kuti aigara akabatikana nekaitiro kake. Aya maitiro echikadzi, sezvaaizvinzwisisa, aiwirirana chaizvo nemanzwiro akasimba uye akasarudzika ekuzvikurira uye kusakwanisa kuzvivimba. Mumwe murume akadzidza kuziva kuti maitiro ake echikadzi akabatana nehukama huviri hwakasiyana: kugutsikana kubva mukunakirwa kunakidzwa kwechinzvimbo chemunhu akanaka, musikana mudiki-sissy; uye kutya (kunzwa kwekushomeka) kwekuwana akashinga kuzvivimba.

Zvinotora nguva usati wadzidza kuti upinde zvakadzika mukati mako. Nenzira, kuyambuka-kwevakadzi tsika kunowanzo kuve kunoratidzwa mune magadzirirwo ebvudzi, mbatya uye dzakasiyana nzira dzekutaura, kubata muviri, kufamba, kuseka, nezvimwe.

Iwe unofanirwa kutarisisa zvakanyanya nezve iwe basa... Uri kuita basa rako rezuva nezuva uchizeza uye usingadi, kana nekunakidzwa nesimba? Nebasa? Kana kuti ndeyako here iwe nzira yekusakura-kuzvisimbisa? Unomubata nekusaruramisira, uye kusagutsikana kwakanyanya here?

Mushure menguva yekufungidzirwa kwakadai, pfupisa hunhu hwakakosha uye vavariro yehunhu hwako hwevacheche, kana "wemukati mwana." Muzviitiko zvakawanda, musoro wenyaya unogona kubatsira: "Mukomana asingabatsiri, anogara achitsvaga kunzwirwa tsitsi uye kutsigirwa" kana "Musikana akagumbuka asina anonzwisisa", nezvimwe. Nyaya dzakananga kubva kare kana nazvino dzinogona kuratidza zvakajeka maficha e "mukomana" akadaro kana " vasikana ". Ndangariro dzakadai dzinoonekwa muchimiro chemufananidzo mupenyu pamwe nekutora chikamu kwe "mwana kubva kare" uye zvinogona kumuratidzira ipapo ipapo. Naizvozvo, tinogona kuvabata sezviyeuchidzo zvakakosha. Vanogona kuva vebatsiro rakakura panguva iyo pazvinofanirwa kuona "mwana" uyu mune yavo yazvino maitiro ehucheche kana kana hunhu uhu hunoda kuramba. Aya ndiwo marudzi epfungwa dze "mapikicha" e "mwana" iyo yaunotakura newe, semifananidzo yemitezo yemhuri kana shamwari muchikwama chako. Tsanangura chiyeuchidzo chako.

Tsika kuzviziva

Izvo zvikamu zvekuzviongorora zvakakurukurwa pano kusvika zvino zvine chekuita nezviitiko chaizvo, zvese zvemukati nekuzvibata. Nekudaro, pane chikamu chechipiri chekuzviziva-kwepfungwa nehunhu. Kuzvitarisa kubva pane ino maonero chikamu chinowirirana nerudzi rwepfungwa dzekuzviongorora dzakataurwa pamusoro apa. Tsika yekuzviziva-ruzivo yakanyanya kutarira kwakatangira hunhu. Panyaya yemabhenefiti, kwepfungwa yekuzviziva, iyo inoreva kunzwisiswa kwetsika iwe pachako, inogona kukurudzira zvakanyanya kurudziro yekuchinja. Tinofanira kurangarira nzwisiso yakajeka yaHenri Bariuk: "Kuziva kwetsika ndiro dombo rekona repfungwa dzedu" (1979, 291). Izvi zvingave zvisina basa pakurapwa kwepfungwa, kana kuzvirapa, kana kuzvidzidzira?

Hunhu hwemweya-hunhu-hwekunzwisisa hunobata neyakagadzikana hunhu hwemukati, kunyangwe hunowanikwa kuburikidza nekongiri maitiro. Mumwe murume akaona kuti ainyepa semwana mudiki mune mamwe mamiriro ekutya kutya kushorwa. Mune izvi akaona hunhu, kana hunhu hwehunhu hwake, hwakakadzika zvakadzama kupfuura tsika yekunyepa mukuzvidzivirira (nekutya kukuvadza hunhu hwake), kureva kuti, hunhu hwake hwakadzika midzi, kusachena kwetsika ("kutadza," sekutaura kwemuKristu). Iyi nhanho yekuziva-kwako, mukusiyana nekungori kwepfungwa, yakanyanya kukosha. Iye zvakare anounza rusununguko - uye nekuda kweichi chikonzero chaicho; simba rayo rekurapa rinogona kuita zvakanyanya kupfuura kungonzwisisa kwepfungwa. Asi kazhinji hatigone kudhirowa mutsetse wakajeka pakati pezvepfungwa nehunhu, nekuti njere dzehutano hwepfungwa dzine hukama nehunhu hwetsika (tora, semuenzaniso, kuzadzikiswa kwehudiki kuzvinzwira tsitsi). Sezvineiwo, zvizhinji zvezvinhu zvatinodaidza kuti "zvevana" zvinonzwikawo kunge zvine hunhu mutsika, dzimwe nguva kunyange hunzenza.

Kuzvifunga ndicho chinhu chinonyanya kuzivikanwa, kana zvisati zviri zvese, hunhu uye hunhu, "zvakaipa" kumucheto kweiyo bipolar system; kune rumwe, hunhu, tsika dzakanaka. Ivo vanoshuvira kuongorora yavo neurotic yakaoma zvingave zvinobatsira kuzvifunga ivo pachavo mune yetsika pfungwa. Izvo zvaunofanira kuteerera kune:

1. kugutsikana - kusagutsikana (zvinoreva, chokwadika, kune tsika yekuzvibata nekuzvipembedza uye kuzvipembedza);

2. hushingi - humbwende (nyora mamiriro ezvinhu nenzvimbo dzehunhu dzaunocherekedza hunhu);

3. moyo murefu, kusimba - kushaya simba, kushaya simba, kunzvenga matambudziko, kuzvifadza;

4. Kuzvidzora - kushaya kuzvibata, kuzvidzora, kuzvidzora (kushaya kuzvidzora kunogona kuita zvakaipa mukudya, kunwa, kutaura, kushanda, kana marudzi ese eruchiva);

5. kushingaira, kushanda nesimba - usimbe (mune chero nzvimbo);

6. kuzvininipisa, kuzvibata zvine chekuita neako wega - kudada, kuzvitutumadza, zvisina maturo, pedantry (taura nzvimbo yehunhu);

7. kuzvidzora - kusava netsika;

8. kuvimbika nekutendeseka - kusatendeseka, kusavimbika uye tsika yekureva nhema (tsanangura);

9. kuvimbika - kusavimbika (maringe nevanhu, zviito, zvipikirwa);

10. basa (zvakajairika pfungwa yebasa) - kusaremekedza (zvine chekuita nemhuri, shamwari, vanhu, basa, kupihwa mabasa);

11. kunzwisisa, kuregerera - kutsiva, kutsamwa, chigumbu, kukuvadza (zvine chekuita nenhengo dzemhuri, shamwari, vatinoshanda navo, nezvimwewo);

12. mufaro wenguva dzose wekuva nemakaro (tsanangura kuratidzwa).

Mibvunzo yakakosha kune vanotsvaga kukurudzira kwavo:

Kufunga nebasa rangu nezvandinofarira, ndezvangu chinangwa chaicho muhupenyu? Chiitiko changu chakanangana neni here kana kuti kune vamwe, kuita basa, kuwana zvibodzwa, kukosha kwezvinangwa? (Zvinangwa zvekuzvitungamira zvinosanganisira: mari nepfuma, simba, mukurumbira, kuzivikanwa neruzhinji, kutariswa kwevanhu uye / kana ruremekedzo, hupenyu hwakanaka, chikafu, chinwiwa, bonde).

8. Izvo zvaunoda kukudziridza mauri

Kutanga kwehondo: tariro, kuzvidzora, kutendeka

Kunzwisisa zvirinani kwako pachako ndiro danho rekutanga kune chero shanduko. Sezvo kurapa kuri kufambira mberi (uye iyi ihondo), kuzviziva-uye nekuchinja kunowedzera. Unogona kunge watoona zvakawanda, asi iwe uchanzwisisa zvakanyanya nekufamba kwenguva.

Kuve nekunzwisisa kwesimba kweiyo neurosis yako kuchakupa kushivirira, uye kushivirira kunosimbisa tariro. Tariro yakanaka uye ine hutano anti-neurotic kufunga. Dzimwe nguva tariro inogona kuita kuti matambudziko ave nyore kwazvo uye kutombonyangarika kwechinguva. Nekudaro, iyo midzi yetsika dzinoumba iyo neurosis haisi nyore kuburitsa, saka zviratidzo zvinogona kubuda zvakare. Zvakadaro, panguva yese yeshanduko, tariro inofanirwa kukosheswa. Tariro yakavakirwa muchokwadi: kunyangwe uine neurotic kangani - uye nekudaro ungochani - manzwiro anoonekwa, zvisinei kuti unozvibata kangani, sekureba sekunge iwe uchiedza kushandura, iwe uchaona zvakanaka kubudirira. Kushungurudzika chikamu chemutambo, zvirinani muzviitiko zvakawanda, asi iwe unofanirwa kuzvirwisa, kuzviita nyanzvi, uye kuenderera. Tariro yakadaro yakafanana netariro yakadzikama, kwete mufaro.

Nhanho inotevera - kuzvidzora - yakakosha chose. Iyi nhanho ine hanya, kune chikamu chikuru, zvinhu zvakajairika: kusimuka pane imwe nguva; kutevedzera nemitemo yehutsanana, kudya, bvudzi uye mbatya; kuronga zuva (zvinofungidzirwa, kwete zvine hungwaru uye zvakakwana), zororo uye hupenyu hwemagariro. Maka uye tanga kushanda kunzvimbo dzaunoshaya kana kushaya kuzvidzora. Vanhu vazhinji vane ngochani maitiro vane chinetso neimwe nzira yekuzvidzora. Kuregeredza idzi nyaya netarisiro yekuti kupora pamoyo kuchachinja zvimwe zvese kuve nani kupusa. Hapana kurapa kunogona kuwana mhedzisiro inogutsa kana ichi chinhu chinoshanda chekuzvibata kwemazuva ese chikaregeredzwa. Uya nemhando yakapusa yekugadzirisa zvaunoshaya. Tanga neimwe kana mbiri nzvimbo kwaunotadza; uine kubudirira mukati mazvo, iwe unozokunda zviri nyore zvese zvasara.

Nomuzvarirwo, kutendeseka kunodiwa pano. Kutanga kwezvose, kuzviperera pachako. Izvi zvinoreva kudzidza kudzidzira chaiko kuongorora zvese zvinoitika mupfungwa dzako, zvinangwa zvako pamwe nezvinangwa chaizvo, kusanganisira kukurudzira kwehana. Kuvimbika hakureve kuzviratidza wega nekusawirirana kwepfungwa uye manzwiro eako anonzi "hafu yakanaka", asi mukuedza kutaura nezvavo zviri nyore uye pachena, kuti uzive ivo zvakanyanya sezvinobvira. (Ita iyo tsika yekunyora pasi zvakakosha pfungwa uye kuzviratidza.)

Zvakare, kutendeseka kunoreva kufumura kushinga kwako kusagadzikana uye zvikanganiso kune mumwe munhu uyo, semurapi kana mutungamiriri / murapi, anokubatsira. Anenge munhu wese ane maitiro ekuvanza zvimwe zvikamu zvezvavanofunga nemanzwiro avo pachavo uye kubva kune vamwe. Nekudaro, kukunda iyi chipingamupinyi haingotungamira mukusunungurwa, asi zvakare kunodiwa kuti ufambire mberi.

Kune izvo zvinodikanwa pamusoro, Mukristu anozowedzerawo kutendeseka pamberi paMwari mukuwongorora kwehana yake, mukunamata-kutaura naye. Kusavimbika pane hukama naMwari kwaigona kuve, semuenzaniso, munamato wekubatsira mukushayikwa kwekunge kumwe kwekuedza kuedza kushandisa kwedu kuedza kuita izvo zvatinogona, zvisinei nemhedzisiro.

Nekuda kwekuita kweiyo pfungwa yeanoticotic kune njodzi, zvakakosha kunyevera kuti kutendeseka hakufanirwe kuve kweatatal, asi zvakapusa, zviri nyore uye zvakavhurika.

Maitiro ekuita ne-neurotic yekuzvinzwira tsitsi. Basa rekusazvidzora

Kana muhupenyu hwako hwezuva nezuva paunowana dzimisikidzo kana dzinogara dzichiratidzwa dze "dzemukati mom mwana anogunun'una", fungidzira kuti ichi "chisina kushata" chakamira pamberi pako munyama, kana kuti munhu wako mukuru "ini" akazvitsiva zvake nemwana, zvekuti muviri chete unosara wemunhu mukuru. Wobva waongorora maitiro emwana uyu, zvaachafunga nezvazvo uye nezvekunzwa mune mamwe mamiriro kubva muhupenyu hwako. Kuti unyatsofungidzira wako "wemwana" wemukati, iwe unogona kushandisa "inotsigira ndangariro", iyo pfungwa yepfungwa yemwana wako "ini".

Unhu hwepamoyo uye hwekuzvibata hunowanikwa mumwana zviri nyore kuziva. Semuenzaniso, mumwe munhu anoti: "Ndinoita kunge ndiri mukomana mudiki (sekunge ivo vandiramba, vasina hanya neni, ndinonetseka nekusurukirwa, kunyadziswa, kushoropodzwa, ndinonzwa kutya munhu akakosha, kana kuti ndatsamwa, ndinoda kuita zvese." pachinangwa uye zvakadaro, nezvimwewo.). Zvakare, mumwe munhu anobva kunze anogona kuona maitiro uye akaona: "Unoita kunge mwana!"

Asi kuzvibvuma mauri hazvisi nyore nguva dzose, uye pane zvikonzero zviviri zveizvi.

Chekutanga, vamwe vanogona kuramba kuzviona sevacheche: "Manzwiro angu akakomba uye akarongeka!", "Zvimwe ndiri mwana mune dzimwe nzira, asi ndine zvikonzero chaizvo zvekufara uye kugumburwa!" Muchidimbu , kuzvitarisisa nokutendeseka pauri kunogona kukanganiswa nekudada kwevana. Kune rimwe divi, manzwiro uye maitiro emukati anogona kazhinji kuve akataridzika. Dzimwe nguva zvakaoma kuziva zvaunofunga, zvaunonzwa kana zvaunoshuvira; nekuwedzera, zvinogona kunge zvisiri pachena kuti chii chakatsigira maitiro emukati mumamiriro ezvinhu kana maitiro evamwe.

Muchiitiko chekutanga, kutendeseka kunobatsira, sekureva kwechipiri - kufungisisa, kuongorora, kufunga kunobatsira. Nyora pasi kujeka maitiro uye kurukura navo nachiremba wako kana chipangamazano; iwe unogona kuwana zvaakaona kana mibvunzo inonetsa kubatsira. Kana izvi zvikasatungamira kumhinduro inogutsa, unogona kumbomira chikamu kwechinguva. Sezvo iwe uchidzidzira kuzvitarisa uye kuzvirapa, paunosvika pakuziva wako "wemukati mwana" uye maitiro ayo akajairika, mamiriro asina kutsanangurwa anozove ari mashoma uye mashoma.

Nekudaro, pachave nemamiriro mazhinji apo zvichemo zve "mwana", hunhu hwehunhu hwemunhu nekunze maitiro emunhu anozojeka pasina kuongorora. Dzimwe nguva zvinokwana kungoziva "wega kusafara" - uye chinhambwe chemukati chinomuka pakati pako nemanzwiro ehudiki, kuzvidzora. Kunzwa kusingafadzi hakufanirwe kunyangarika zvachose kuti kurasike kwakapinza.

Dzimwe nguva zvakafanira kusanganisira irony, kusimbisa kuseka kweiye "ane nhamo" - semuenzaniso, kunzwira tsitsi "wako wepamoyo", wako wepwere "ini": "Ah, zvinosuwisa sei! Zvinopisa tsitsi sei! - Chinhu chakashata! " Kana zvikashanda, kunyemwerera kushoma kuchaonekwa, kunyanya kana iwe uchikwanisa kufungidzira kutaura kunosiririsa pachiso chemwana uyu kubva kare. Iyi nzira inogona kushandurwa kuti ienderane nezvinodiwa zvemunhu uye pfungwa yekuseka. Ita kuseka kwehucheche hwako.

Kunyangwe zvirinani, kana iwe uine mukana wekuseka nenzira iyi pamberi pevamwe: kana vaviri vakaseka, mhedzisiro inowedzera.

Kune zvichemo zvakasimba, kunyange zvinokatyamadza, kunyanya izvo zvinofambiswa nezvibodzwa zvitatu: neruzivo rwekurambwa - semuenzaniso, kunzwa kwekukuvara kwekukura kwehudiki, kusava nebasa, kushata uye kuderera; nekunyunyuta kwehutano hwepanyama, senge kuneta; uye, pakupedzisira, nekushushikana kwekusaruramisira kwakatambura kana mamiriro asina kunaka. Kune zvichemo zvakadaro, shandisa nzira yehyperdramatization yakagadzirwa nachiremba wepfungwa Arndt. Inowanikwa mukuti chichemo chinosuwisa kana chinoshamisa chevacheche chakawedzeredzwa kusvika padanho rekupusa, zvekuti munhu anotanga kunyemwerera kana kutoseka nazvo. Iyo nzira yakashandiswa intuitively nezana ramakore rechi17 French mutambi wemitambo Moliere, uyo airwara ne hypochondria inokatyamadza: akaratidzira kuzvidzora kwake mumutambo, iro gamba rakawedzeredza kutambura kwake kubva kuzvirwere zvekufungidzira zvekuti vateereri nemunyori pachake vakaseka pamoyo.

Kuseka mushonga wakanakisa wemanzwiro eurotic. Asi zvinotora hushingi uye kumwe kudzidziswa munhu asati ataura chimwe chinhu chisina musoro pamusoro pake (ndokuti mwana wake), kuita pikicha inonakidza kana kuzvipeta nemaune pamberi pegirazi, kutevedzera hunhu hwemwana, maitiro ake, izwi rinorira, achizviseka uye kukuvadza manzwiro. Iyo neurotic "Ini" inozvitora zvakanyanya zvakanyanya - kusangana nechero zvichemo sedambudziko chairo. Sezvineiwo, panguva imwecheteyo, munhu anogona kuve nekukura kwekuseka uye kuseka pamusoro pezvinhu zvisina kana basa naye.

Hyperdramatization ndiyo nzira huru yekuzvinyengera, asi chero imwe inogona kushandiswa.

Kazhinji, kuseka kunobatsira kuwana hukama, kusangana kwemanzwiro ekuti "akakosha" kana "kushungurudzika", kurwa nekunyunyuta uye kuzvinzwira tsitsi, zviri nani kugamuchira zvisingadzivisike uye, pasina kunyunyuta, kutakura chero matambudziko, ubatsire munhu kuve anozviona. ona mwero chaiwo wezvinetso zvavo uchienzanisa nematambudziko evamwe. Izvi zvese zvinoreva kuti zvinodikanwa kuti zvikure kubva mukufunga kwepasirese kwenyika uye nevamwe vanhu vakagadzirwa nekufungidzira.

Ne hyperdramatization, iyo hurukuro inovakwa sekunge "mwana" ari pamberi pedu kana ari mukati medu. Semuenzaniso, kana kuzvinzwira tsitsi kukamuka kubva kune hunhu husina hushamwari kana kumwe kurambwa, munhu anogona kutaura kumwana wepamoyo seinotevera: “Urombo Vanya, utsinye wawakaitirwa! Iwe unongorohwa pese pese, o, kunyangwe hembe dzako dzakabvaruka, asi ndeapi maronda! .. "Kana iwe uchinzwa kukuvadzwa kwekudada kwehucheche, unogona kutaura izvi:" Chinhu chisina kunaka, vakakukanda iwe, Napoleon, sekuru vaLenin mumakore makumi mapfumbamwe? "- uye panguva imwechete, fungidzira boka rinoseka uye" murombo "akasungwa netambo, achichema. Kuzvinzwira urombo nezvekusurukirwa, kwakakurumbira pakati peungochani, unogona kupindura seizvi: "Zvinotyisa sei! Yako hembe yanyorova, machira anyorova, kunyangwe mahwindo akafemerwa kumusoro kubva pamisodzi yako! Kune atove madhishi pasi, uye mavari hove dzine maziso akasuwa kwazvo vari kushambira mudenderedzwa "... zvichingodaro.

Ngochani zhinji, vese varume nevakadzi, vanonzwa kushoma pane vamwe vechikadzi chimwe chete, kunyange zvichirwadza kuvabvuma. Muchiitiko ichi, wedzeredza kunyunyuta kukuru (kuonda, kuwedzera uremu, nzeve huru, mhino, mapfudzi akapfupika, nezvimwewo). Kuti umire zvisina kunaka kuzvienzanisa iwe nevamwe, vanokwezva vanhu, fungidzira "mwana" wako semurombo anofamba, akasiiwa nemunhu wese, akaremara, mune zvipfeko zvisina tsarukano zvinonzwisa tsitsi. Murume anogona kuzvifungidzira semunhu ari kuchema zvishoma, asina kana nyama uye simba remuviri, aine izwi rinosvinura, nezvimwewo. Mukadzi anogona kufungidzira "musikana" anotyisa ane ndebvu, biceps senge yaSchwarzenegger, nezvimwewo. chakashata kuchidhori chinofadza, chichiwedzeredza kupenya kwevamwe vanhu, fungidzira kuchema kunodakadza rudo rwe "murombo" anofira mumugwagwa, apo vamwe vanhu vachipfuura, vachiregeredza uyu mupemhi mudiki ane nzara yerudo.

Nenzira imwe chete, fungidzira chiitiko chakajeka apo mudiwa anonamira anotora mukomana kana musikana anotambura zvekuti kunyange mwedzi unochema uine zvizere nemanzwiro: "Pakupedzisira, rudo rudiki, mushure mekutambura kwese!" Fungidzira kuti chiitiko ichi chapfurwa nekamera yakavanzika uye ipapo vanoratidzira muinema: vateereri vari kuchema vasingamiri, vateereri vanosiya ratidziro ichipunzika, vachichema maoko mune yeumwe ruoko pamusoro peichi chinhu chisina kunaka, uyo pakupedzisira, mushure mekutsvaga kwakawanda, akawana kudziya kwevanhu. Nekudaro, chinosiririsa kuda kwerudo ne "mwana" chakakwenenzverwa. Mu hyperdramatization, munhu akasununguka zvakakwana, anogona kugadzira nyaya dzese, dzimwe nguva kufungidzira kunogona kusanganisira zvinhu zvehupenyu chaihwo. Shandisa chero chinogona kuita sechinosekesa kwauri; gadzira chako chinyorwa chekuti uzvinyaradze.

Kana chero munhu akaramba kuti uku kupusa uye kuita kwehuhwana, ndinobvuma. Asi kazhinji kupokana kunobva mukumira kwemukati kune kuzvinyengera. Zano rangu, saka, ndere kutanga neasina mhosva madiki majee nezve dambudziko rausinga batise rakanyanya kukosha kwariri. Kuseka kunogona kushanda mushe, uye kunyangwe kuri kuseka kwevana, hatifanire kurasikirwa neichi chokwadi chekuti hunyengeri uhwu hunokunda manzwiro ehuhwana. Iko kushandiswa kwekuzvinyengera kunofungidzira iko kupinza kwakapinza muhucheche kana hunhu hwehunhu hweaya maitiro. Nhanho yekutanga ndeye kugara uchiziva uye kubvuma kwevechidiki uye kuzvinzwira tsitsi. Cherechedzawo kuti kuzvinyengera kunogara kuchishandiswa nevanhu vanozvininipisa, vane hutano hwepfungwa.

Zvakanyanya kunaka kutarisa izvo zvatinotaura uye nematauriro atinoita kuti tizive nekurwisa zvimiro zvinosiririsa. Munhu wacho anogona kunge ari kugunun'una nechomukati kana zvinonzwika, saka iwe unofanirwa kuteedzera kwako kwekutaurirana neshamwari kana vaunoshanda navo uye nepfungwa muchereke nguva dzaunoda kunyunyuta. Edza kusatevera ichi chishuwo: chinja chidzidzo kana kutaura chimwe chinhu senge: "Izvi zvakaoma (zvakaipa, zvisirizvo, nezvimwewo), asi isu tinofanirwa kuyedza kuwana zvakanyanya kubva mumamiriro acho ezvinhu." Nekuita iyi yakapusa kuyedza nguva nenguva, iwe uchaona kuti yakasimba sei tsika yekunyunyuta nezveramangwana rako uye kutya, uye kangani uye nyore iwe unokundwa nemuedzo uyu. Izvo zvinodawo kurega kubva pakuda kunzwira tsitsi apo vamwe vanogunun'una, vachiratidza kutsamwa kwavo kana kusagutsikana.

"Dzakashata" kurapwa, zvisinei, haisi yakareruka vhezheni ye "kufunga kwakanaka." Hapana chakakanganisika nekutaura kusuwa kana kuomerwa kushamwari kana nhengo dzemhuri - sekureba sekunge kuchingoitwa nekuzvidzora, zvinoenderana nezvazviri. Kazhinji zvakashata manzwiro uye pfungwa hazvifanire kuraswa nekuda kwekuwedzeredza "kufunga kwakanaka": muvengi wedu ingori yehucheche hudiki kuzvinzwira tsitsi. Edza kusiyanisa pakati pekutaura kwese kwekushungurudzika nekushungurudzika uye kuchema kwehudiki nekuchema.

"Asi kuti utambure uye panguva imwechete usazvibata-wega tsitsi, kwete kunyunyuta, unoda simba neushingi!" - iwe unoramba. Chokwadi, kurwa uku kunoda zvinopfuura kuseka chete. Zvinoreva kuti uchafanirwa kushanda pauri nguva dzose, zuva nezuva.

Kushivirira uye kuzvininipisa

Basa rakaoma rinotungamira mukunaka kwekutsungirira - moyo murefu newe, zvaunokundikana, uye kunzwisisa kuti shanduko ichave zvishoma nezvishoma. Kusashivirira hunhu hwehudiki: zvakaoma kuti mwana agamuchire kusasimba kwake, uye kana achida kuchinja chimwe chinhu, anotenda kuti zvinofanirwa kuitika ipapo ipapo. Mukupesana, kuzvigamuchira kune hutano (uko kwakasiyana zvachose nekupararira kwekushomeka kwakapararira) kunoreva kuedza kukuru, asi panguva imwechete uchizvigamuchira wega nekuneta kwako uye nekodzero yekukanganisa. Mune mamwe mazwi, kuzvitambira kunoreva kusangana kwechokwadi, kuzviremekedza uye kuzvininipisa.

Kuzvininipisa ndicho chinhu chikuru chinoita kuti munhu akure. Muchokwadi, mumwe nemumwe wedu ane nzvimbo dzake dzakavanzika, uye kazhinji zvinokanganisa zvinoonekwa - zvese zvepfungwa nehunhu. Kuzvifungidzira se "gamba" risingakundike kufunga semwana; Naizvozvo, kutamba chinosuwisa kuita kwevana, kana, nemamwe mazwi, chiratidzo chekushaya kuzvininipisa. Karl Stern anoti: "Izvo zvinonzi kushomeka kwakaomarara zvinopesana zvachose nekuzvininipisa kwechokwadi" (1951, 97). Kurovedza muviri maererano nekuzvininipisa kunobatsira kwazvo mukurwisa neurosis. Uye kuzvidzora-wega kuitira kuti uone hukama hwevacheche uye kupokana nezvakataurwa kuti zvakakosha zvinogona kuonekwa sechiito mukuzvininipisa.

Kuderera kwekusanzwisisika kunowanzo kuperekedzwa neyakarehwa pfungwa yekukwirira mune imwe nzvimbo kana imwe. Kuzvifunga kwemwana kunoedza kuratidza kukosha kwayo, uye, achitadza kubvuma kufungidzirwa kwake kwakaderera, anotorwa nekuzvinzwira tsitsi. Vana vane zvakasikwa vanozvifunga, vanonzwa "vakakosha" sekunge vari pakati penyika; ivo vanowanzo tendera kudada, ichokwadi, vacheche - nekuti ivo vana. Mune imwe pfungwa, mune chero kushomeka kwakaomarara kune chinhu chekukuvara kwakakuvara, kusvika padanho rekuti mwana wepamoyo haagamuchire kwake (kunzi) kushomeka. Izvi zvinotsanangura kuedza kwakazotevera kwekuwedzeredza: "Muchokwadi, ini ndakakosha - ini ndiri nani kupfuura vamwe." Izvi, zvakare, ndiyo kiyi yekunzwisisa kuti sei mukuzvishingisa, mukutamba mabasa, mukuedza kuve nzvimbo yekutarisisa nekunzwira tsitsi, tinotarisana nekushomeka kwekuzvininipisa: kuzvitutumadza kwakanyanya kwakabatana ne megalomania. Uye saka, varume nevakadzi vane ngochani yakaoma, vafunga kuti zvishuwo zvavo "zvakasikwa", kazhinji vanogumburwa nechishuwo chekuchinja mutsauko wavo mukukwirira kwavo. Izvozvowo zvinogona kutaurwa nezvevanyengeri: André Gide akarondedzera "kuda" kwake vakomana sekuratidzwa kwakanyanya kwerudo rwemurume kune murume. Icho chokwadi chekuti ngochani, chinotsiva chisiri chechisikirwo chechisikigo uye chichidaidza chokwadi nhema, chinotungamirwa nekudada haisiriyo dzidziso chete; izvi zvinoonekwawo muhupenyu hwavo. "Ini ndaive mambo," mumwe aimbove ngochani akazvitaura nezve ake apfuura. Ngochani zhinji hadzina maturo, narcissistic mune hunhu uye mapfekero - dzimwe nguva zvinotomboperera pane megalomania. Vamwe ngochani vanozvidza hunhu "hwakajairika", michato "yakajairika", mhuri "dzakajairika"; kuzvitutumadza kwavo kunovasiya vasingaone hunhu hwakawanda.

Saka kuzvitutumadza kunoitwa mune vakawanda varume nevakadzi ngochani kuwandisa. Kunzwa kwavo kushomeka, kuoma kwevana kwe "vasiri-kwavo" kwakakura kuita mweya wepamusoro: "Ini handisi mumwe wenyu! Muchokwadi, ini ndiri nani kupfuura iwe - ini ndakakosha! Ini ndiri werudzi rwakasiyana: Ini ndakanyanya kupa zvipo, kunyanya kusanzwisisa. "Uye ini ndakatarirwa kutambura kunyanya." Dzimwe nguva uku kunzwa kwekukwirira kunoiswa nevabereki, kutarisisa kwavo nekutenda - izvo zvinowanzoonekwa muhukama nemubereki webonde rakasiyana. Mukomana aidiwa naamai vake anozokudziridza pfungwa yekukwirira, senge musikana anotendeuka mhino yake yakatarisana nekurumbidzwa nababa vake. Kuzvitutumadza kwevazhinji ngochani zvakatanga chaizvo kubva paudiki, uye, muchokwadi, mune izvi vanofanirwa kunzwirwa tsitsi sevana vasina musoro: zvakabatanidzwa nepfungwa yekuzvitarisira pasi, kuzvitutumadza kunoita kuti ngochani dzive nyore kubatwa uye kunyanya kunetseka kushoropodzwa.

Kuzvininipisa, pane zvinopesana, kunosunungura. Kuti udzidze kuzvininipisa, iwe unofanirwa kucherechedza mufambiro wako, mazwi nepfungwa zviratidzo zvekusavimbika, kuzvitutumadza, hukuru, kuzvishingisa uye kuzvirumbidza, pamwe nezviratidzo zvekukuvara kwakakuvadzwa, kusada kubvuma kutsoropodzwa kwakanaka. Izvo zvinodikanwa kuramba, zvinyoro nyoro kuseka ivo, kana neimwe nzira kuramba zvakadaro. Izvi zvinoitika kana munhu akavaka mufananidzo mutsva we "Ini", "Ini-chaiye", achiziva kuti iye zvechokwadi ane hunyanzvi, asi kugona kwacho kune mashoma, "zvakajairika" kugona kwemunhu anozvininipisa, asingasiyaniswe nechimwe chinhu chakakosha.

9. Shanduko yekufunga nehunhu

Munguva yekurwira kwemukati nehukadzi hunhu mumunhu, kuda uye kugona kuzvizivisa kunofanira kumutswa.

Kukosha kwekuda kunonetsa kuwedzera. Chero bedzi munhu achikoshesa zvishuwo zveungochani kana fungidziro, kuedza kwakanangana neshanduko kungangodaro kuri kubudirira. Chokwadi, pese pese kana munhu muchivande kana pachena kuita chingochani, kufarira uku kunosimbiswa - kuenzanisa nekudhakwa kana kupindwa muropa nekusvuta kwakakodzera pano.

Kuratidzira kwakadai kwekukosha kwakanyanya kwechido hazvireve kuti kuzviziva pachako hakubatsiri. zvisinei, kuzviziva pachako hakupe simba rekukunda zvishuwo zvevacheche zvebonde - izvi zvinogoneka chete nerubatsiro rwekuunganidza zvizere kuda. Kurwa uku kunofanira kuitirwa mukudzikama kwakazara, pasina kutya: zvakakosha kuti uite nemoyo murefu uye uchokwadi - semunhu mukuru ari kuyedza kudzora mamiriro akaoma. Usarega kuda kweruchiva kukutyisidzira, usazviite zvinosuwisa, usazvirambe, uye usawedzeredza kushushikana kwako. Ingoedza kuti kwete kuchishuwo ichi.

Ngatiregei kurerutsa kuda kwacho. Mune yazvino psychotherapy, kusimbiswa kunowanzoiswa kungave kwenjerekuziva (psychoanalysis) kana pakudzidza (maitiro, psychology yedzidzo), zvakadaro, zvicharamba chiri chinhu chikuru cheshanduko: kuziva uye kudzidziswa kwakakosha, asi kushanda kwavo kunoenderana nechinangwa .

Kubudikidza nekuzviongorora, ngochani inofanirwa kuuya nesarudzo yakasimba: "Ini handisiye zvido zveungochani mukana iwo mudiki." Mune sarudzo iyi, zvinofanirwa kuramba zvichikura - semuenzaniso, kugara uchidzokera kwairi, kunyanya mune yakadzikama mamiriro, kana kufunga kusingazungunuke nekumutsa zvishuwo. Mushure mekunge danho raitwa, munhu anokwanisa kusiya muyedzo weusingakoshe kunakidzwa kweungochani kana varaidzo yema homoerotic, kurega pakarepo uye zvakakwana, pasina huviri mukati. Muzviitiko zvakawandisa, apo ngochani "inoda kurapwa, asi ikatadza kubudirira, pfungwa yacho ingangoita yekuti" danho "harina kuitwa pakupedzisira, nekudaro haagone kurwa nesimba uye akarerekera, kupomera simba rake ungochani maitiro kana mamiriro. Mushure memakore akati wandei ebudiriro uye kudzokerazve mukufungidzira kweungochani, iye ungochani anoona kuti aisamboda kubvisa kuchiva kwake, “Zvino ndanzwisisa kuti sei zvaive zvakaoma. Ehe, ini ndaigara ndichida kununurwa, asi handina kana zana muzana! " Naizvozvo, rekutanga basa nderekushandira kuchenesa kuda. Ipapo zvinodikanwa kuti nguva nenguva uvandudze mhinduro yacho kuti ive yakasimba, inova tsika, zvikasadaro, mhinduro yacho inopera simba zvakare.

Izvo zvakakosha kuti unzwisise kuti kuchave nemaminetsi, kunyangwe maawa, apo rusununguko rwekusununguka rwucharwiswa zvakanyanya nezvishuwo zveruchiva. "Panguva dzakadai, ini, pakupedzisira, ndinoda kuita zvandinoda," vazhinji vanomanikidzwa kubvuma. Panguva ino kurwa kwacho hakufadzi kwazvo; asi kana munhu asina fomu yakasimba, hazviite kutsungirira.

Shungu dzeungochani dzinogona kuve dzakasiyana muchimiro: semuenzaniso, chingave chido chekufungidzira nezvemumwe munhu wausingazive akaonekwa mumugwagwa kana kubasa, paTV kana mupikicha mupepanhau; inogona kunge iri yekurota-chiitiko chinokonzerwa nemamwe mafungiro kana zvakaitika zvekare; zvinogona kuve kukurudzira kuenda kunotsvaga mudiwa wehusiku. Panyaya iyi, sarudzo "kwete" mune imwe kesi ichave nyore kuita pane imwe. Chishuwo chinogona kuve chakasimba zvekuti pfungwa dzinozadzwa, uyezve munhu anomanikidzwa kuita zvega nesimba rekuda. Mawonero maviri anogona kubatsira munguva dzino dzinonetsa: "Ndinofanira kuva pachokwadi, kutendeseka neni, handizvinyengere," uye "Ndine rusununguko, kunyangwe ichi chishuwo chinopisa." Tinodzidzisa kuda kwedu kana taziva kuti: “Ndinogona kufambisa ruoko rwangu izvozvi, ndinogona kusimuka ndoenda izvozvi - ndinofanira kungozvipa kuraira. Asi zvakare kuda kwangu kuti ndigare muno mukamuri rino uye ndizviratidze ndiri tenzi wemanzwiro angu uye zvandinokurudzira. Kana ndine nyota, ndinogona kusarudza kusatambira iyo nyota! " Zvidiki zvidiki zvinogona kubatsira pano: semuenzaniso, iwe unogona kuti zvinonzwika: "Ndafunga kugara pamba," kana, kunyora pasi kana kubata nemusoro pfungwa dzinoverengeka dzinobatsira, makotesheni, kuaverenga panguva yekuyedzwa.

Asi zvinotoreruka kutarisa chinyararire kure - kutyora cheni yemifananidzo usingagare panoratidzika munhu kana pamufananidzo. Sarudzo yacho iri nyore kana taona chimwe chinhu. Edza kuona kuti kana iwe ukatarisa kune imwe, unogona kunge uchifananidza, "Ah! Prince Charming! Mwarikadzi! Zvino ini ... pakuenzaniswa navo ini handisi chinhu. Ziva kuti idzi kurudziro ingori chishuwo chinosiririsa chehunhu hwako hwehucheche: “Iwe wakanaka kwazvo, uri murume (wechikadzi). Ndapota nditeerere, handina mufaro! " Kuwedzera kunoita munhu kuziva nezve "murombo", zvirinyore kuti azvigadzire kubva kwaari uye ashandise chombo chekuda kwake.

Nzira yakanaka yekuzvibatsira ndeyokuona kuti yakura sei kutsvaga hukama hweungochani, mungave mukufungidzira kana muchokwadi. Edza kuona kuti mune ichi chishuwo iwe hausi munhu mukuru, munhu anozvibata, asi mwana anoda kuzviwisira nehushamwari uye mufaro wenyama. Nzwisisa kuti urwu harusi rudo rwechokwadi, asi kuzvifarira, nekuti mumwe wako anoonekwa sechinhu chekutambira mafaro, uye kwete semunhu, munhu. Izvi zvinofanirwa kutakurwa mundangariro zvakare mune izvo kana pasina chishuwo chepabonde.

Paunonzwisisa kuti kugutsikana kweungochani nehunhu hwehunhu uye nehudyire, iwe unoonawo kusachena kwetsika. Ruchiva runodzikatidza maonero etsika, asi hazvigone kudzima izwi rehana: vazhinji vanofunga kuti hunhu hwavo hweungochani kana bonhora chinhu chisina kuchena. Kuti uzive izvi zvakanyatsojeka, zvinodikanwa kusimbisa kutsunga kwekuzvidzivirira: pakatarisana nemamiriro ehutano manzwiro, kusachena kuchaonekwa zvakanyanya kujeka. Uye usambofa wakanetseka kana maonero aya achisekwa nevatsigiri vevane ngochani - ivo havana kutendeseka. Ehe, munhu wese anozvisarudzira ega kuti acherekedze kuchena uye kusachena. Asi ngatirambei tichifunga kuti kuramba muchiitiko ichi ibasa re "negation" yekudzivirira mashandiro. Mumwe mutengi wangu aive nezvishuwo zvese zvakanangana nechinhu chimwe: ainhuwidza zvipfeko zvemukati zvevechidiki uye akafungidzira mitambo yepabonde navo. Akabatsirwa nepfungwa yekukasira yekuti kuita izvi zvinoshoreka: akanzwa kuti aishungurudza muviri weshamwari dzake mukufungidzira kwake, achishandisa zvipfeko zvavo zvemukati kugutsikana. Pfungwa iyi yakamuita kuti anzwe asina kuchena, netsvina. Sezvimwe nezvimwe zviito zvounzenza, iko kusimba kwemukati mutsika kusatendera (mune mamwe mazwi, zvakanyanya kujeka isu tinoona chiito sekushata kwetsika), zviri nyore kutaura kuti kwete.

Kuita ungochani kumutsa kazhinji "inonyaradza mhinduro" mushure mekusangana nekushushikana kana kuora moyo. Mumamiriro ezvinhu akadaro, kuzvidzora kuripo mune izvi kunofanirwa kuzivikanwa uye kuwedzererwa, nekuti zvakashata zvakasangana nezviitiko kazhinji hazvikonzere kufungidzira kwekusazvibata. Nekudaro, zvido zveungochani zvinomuka nguva nenguva uye pasi pemamiriro ezvinhu akasiyana zvachose, kana munhu achinzwa kufara uye asingafunge nezve chero chinhu chakadai zvachose. Izvi zvinogona kukonzerwa nendangariro, kushamwaridzana. Munhu anoona kuti anozviwana ari mumamiriro aimbove nechokuita nechingochani chiitiko: mune rimwe guta, mune imwe nzvimbo, pane rimwe zuva, nezvimwe. Pakarepo, chingochani chinouya - uye munhu anotorwa nekushamisika. Asi mune ramangwana, kana munhu achiziva nguva dzakadai kubva pane zvakaitika, anozokwanisa kuzvigadzirira, kusanganisira nekugara uchizviyeuchidza nezvechisarudzo chekusasiya kamwe kamwe "runako" rweaya akakosha mamiriro.

Vazhinji ngochani, vese varume nevakadzi, vanogara vachiita bonhora, uye izvi zvinovavhara muchimiro chekunakirwa kwekufarira uye hupombwe. Kupindwa muropa kunogona kukundwa muhondo inorwadza chete, usingakanda mapfumo pasi.

Kurwisa bonhora kwakafanana chaizvo nekurwisa homoerotic mifananidzo, asi kune zvimwewo zvakasarudzika. Kune vazhinji, bonhora inyaradzo mushure mekusangana nekushushikana kana kuora mwoyo. Munhu anozvibvumira kunyura mukufungidzira kwevechidiki. Mune ino kesi, iwe unogona kuraira inotevera zano: mangwanani ega ega, uye zvakare kana zvichidikanwa (manheru kana usati warara), nyatso dzokorora: "Nezuva rino (husiku) handiregi." Nemafungire aya, zviratidzo zvekutanga zvekubuda kwezvishuwo zviri nyore kuziva. Ipapo iwe unogona kuti wega, "Kwete, handingazvibvumiri pachangu mufaro uyu." Ini zviri nani nditambure zvishoma uye ndisingatore Wishlist iyi ”. Fungidzira mwana ana amai vake vanoramba kumupa zvihwitsi; mwana anotsamwa, otanga kuchema, kunyange kurwa. Wobva wafungidzira kuti uyu "wako wemukati mwana" uye hyperdramatize maitiro ake ("Ndiri kuda zviwitsi!"). Zvino taura izvi: "Zvinonzwisa tsitsi sei zvaunofanira kuita pasina ichi chidiki mufaro!" Kana kuzvitaurira iwe (kune "mwana" wako sababa vakasimba: "Kwete, Vanechka (Mashenka), nhasi baba vati kwete. Kwete matoyi. Pamwe mangwana. Ita zvakataurwa nababa! ". Ita zvakafanana mangwana. Saka, tarisa pane nhasi; hapana chikonzero chekufunga: "Ini handife ndakakunda izvi, handimbofa ndakazvibvisa." Kurwira kunofanirwa kuve zuva nezuva, aya ndiwo maitiro ehunyanzvi hwekurega kuita hunouya mukati. Uyezve. Usaite mutambo mamiriro acho kana iwe ukaratidza kushaya simba kana kuputsika zvakare. Zviudze iwe pachako: "Hongu, ndakanga ndiri benzi, asi ndinofanira kuenderera mberi," sezvingaitwa nemumhanyi. Kunyangwe iwe uchikundikana kana kuti kwete, iwe uchiri kukura, kuve unosimba. Uye uku kusunungurwa, sekusununguka kubva kudhakwa: munhu anonzwa zvirinani, nerunyararo, achifara.

Iko kune zvakare hunyengeri: kana chingochani chishuwo chikaonekwa, usakanda mapfumo pasi, asi zviyeuchidze iwe kuti munhu akura anogona kunzwa chimwe chinhu uye, kunyangwe izvi, ramba uchishanda kana kurara wakanyarara pamubhedha - kazhinji, kuzvidzora. Fungidzira zvakajeka sezvinobvira munhu anokurudzira kuda kwake kuti arege kuzvigutsa: "Hongu, ndozvandinoda kuva!" Kana kuti fungidzira kuti urikutaurira mukadzi wako kana murume - wako wemangwana mweya-kana wako (ramangwana) vana, nezvekuti iwe wakarwa sei nechishuwo chekuita bonhora. Fungidzira kunyara kwawaizoita kudai waizobvuma kuti hauna kumborwa, kurwa zvakaipisisa, kana kuti kungorega.

Zvakare, urwu "rudo rwekuzadza" mune yekufungidzira fungidziro inogona kuve hyperdramatized. Semuenzaniso, udza wako "wemukati mwana": "Anotarisa zvakadzama mumaziso ako, uye mavari - rudo rusingaperi kwauri, chinhu chakashata, uye kudziya kune yako yakaparadzwa, mweya une nzara yerudo ..." nezvimwewo. Kazhinji, edza kuseka fungidziro yavo kana zvinhu zvavo (semuenzaniso, ruzivo rwehukadzi). Asi, chekutanga, hyperdramatize izvi zvakanyanya kuomarara, kuchema, kukoka, kupwanya kunyunyuta: "Ndipe, murombo chinhu, rudo rwako!" Kuseka uye kunyemwerera zvinokunda zvese homoerotic fungidziro uye chishuwo chekuita bonhora chakabatana navo. Dambudziko nemanzwiro eurotic ndeyekuti anovharira kugona kuzviseka iwe pachako. Hwecheche hunhu hunopesana nekuseka uye majee anotungamirwa kupokana ne "kukosha" kwayo. Nekudaro, kana iwe uchidzidzira, iwe unogona kudzidza kuseka iwe pachako.

Zvinongonzwisisika kuti ngochani zhinji dzine pfungwa dzevacheche nezvebonde. Vamwe vanotenda, semuenzaniso, kuti bonhora rinokosha kudzidzisa masimba avo ezvepabonde. Ehezve, iko kushomeka kwechirume kwakaomesa maonero akadaro kunoda kuve hyperdramatized. Usambofa wakaedza "kuratidza" chako "hunhu" nekupomba mhasuru, kukura ndebvu uye masharubu, nezvimwe. Idzi ndidzo pfungwa dzevechidiki nezvehurume, uye zvinongokutungamira kubva pachinangwa chako.

Kune Mukristu mukurapa kweungochani, zvingave zvakanaka kubatanidza maitiro epfungwa uye emweya. Iko kusanganiswa, mune yangu ruzivo, inopa yakanakisa vimbiso yekuchinja.

Kurwisa asingaoneki pachako

Saka, pamberi pedu pane mucheche, anozvifunga "ini". Muverengi anoteerera, achidzidza chitsauko pamusoro pekuzviziva, anogona kunge akacherekedza hunhu hwevacheche kana zvido maari. Zviripachena kuti shanduko kune zera nekukura kwepamoyo hazvingangoitika zvega; nekuti izvi zvakafanira kukunda muhondo nehucheche hwega - uye zvinotora nguva.

Munhu anofarira ungochani anofanira kutarisa “mwana wemukati” uyo anotsvaga hanya nekunzwira tsitsi. Kunyanya, kuratidzwa kweichi chingave chishuvo chekuda kunzwa wakakosha, kana kuremekedzwa, kana "kufarira"; "wemwana" wemukati anogona zvakare kushuvira uye kukumbira rudo, kana tsitsi, kana kuyemurwa. Izvo zvinofanirwa kucherechedzwa kuti manzwiro aya, ayo anounza kumwe kugutsikana kwemukati, akasiyana zvakanyanya kubva kune mufaro hune hutano hunogashirwa nemunhu kubva kuhupenyu, kubva pakuzviona pachako.

Kubata nevamwe vanhu, zvinodikanwa kuti uone zvishuwo zvakadaro kuti "vazvinyaradze" uye kuvasiya. Nekufamba kwenguva, zvichave zvakajeka kuona kuti vangani zviito zvedu, pfungwa uye zvinangwa zvinokura chaizvo kubva pane izvi zvisina kukwana kuda kwekuzvisimbisa. Asina kukwana anozvinyisa anotarisisa kwevamwe vanhu. Izvo zvinodikanwa zverudo uye tsitsi zvinogona kungova udzvinyiriri: munhu anobatika nyore nyore mune godo uye shanje kana vamwe vanhu vakagamuchira kutarisirwa. Chishuvo che "mwana wemukati" cherudo uye chekutarisirwa chinofanira kupatsanurwa kubva kune zvakajairika kuda kwevanhu kwerudo. Iyo yekupedzisira, pamwe muchidimbu, inoteerera kukosha kwekuda vamwe vanhu. Semuenzaniso, rudo rwechikuru rusina kukodzera runounza kusuruvara, kwete kugumbuka uye kusava nehanya nekusanzwira tsitsi.

Chero kuyedza kwekuzvisimbisa kwevechidiki kunofanirwa kudzvanywa - chete mune ino kesi kukurumidza kufambira mberi kunogoneka. Usakanganwa nezvekuyedza kuve wakakosha mumaziso ako, kumira kunze, kumutsa kuyemurwa. Dzimwe nguva kuzvidzora kwevacheche kunoita kunge kuri "kudzorera", kuyedza kudzorera chimwe chinhu chisipo munguva yakapfuura; izvi zvinonyanya kuitika kunyunyuta kwekushomeka. Muchokwadi, nekuvagutsa, iwe unongowedzera iko kugadzirisa pane iwe pachako: zvese zvevacheche zvinokurudzira uye nemanzwiro zvakabatana semidziyo yekutaurirana; "Kudyisa" vamwe, iwe unobva wasimbisa vamwe. Kuzvisimbisa kwakakura kunounza mufaro uye kugutsikana nekuti unogona kuwana chero chinhu, asi kwete nekuti uri "wakakosha". Kuzvishingisa kuzvisimbisa zvakare kunofungidzira kuonga, nekuti munhu akakura anoziva hukama hwezvaakaita.

Kupfeka mamask, kunyepedzera, kuyedza kuita imwe yakasarudzika - iyi mhando yemafambiro inogona kuonekwa sekutsvaga kutariswa, kunzwirwa tsitsi. Kuti ukunde zvese izvi padanho re "zviratidzo", nekukurumidza paunozviona, zviri nyore - kune izvi iwe unongofanirwa kusiya mufaro we narcissistic "tickling". Mhedzisiro yacho ichave kunzwa kwekusununguka, chiitiko cherusununguko; kunzwa kwekusununguka, simba richauya. Pane kupokana, munhu anotsvaga kutariswa uye kuita kunze anozviita iye anovimba nemaonero evamwe pamusoro pake.

Kunze kwekungwarira kuratidzwa uku kwechecheche uye kudzvanyirirwa kwavo, zvinofanirwa kushanda munzira yakanaka, ndiko kuti, kuve wakanangana nebasa. Izvi, kutanga kwezvose, zvinoreva kuti mune ese mamiriro kana mabasa, munhu anozoteerera kune ake mabasa uye mabasa. Zvinoreva kuzvibvunza mubvunzo wakapusa: "Chii chandingaunza kune izvi (kungave musangano, zororo remhuri, basa kana zororo)?" Mwana wemukati, kune rumwe rutivi, ane hanya nemubvunzo, "Chii chandingawane? Ndingawanei purofiti kubva pamamiriro ezvinhu; vamwe vanogona kundiitirei? Ndingafarirei pamusoro pavo? - uye zvichingodaro, mumweya wekufunga kwekuzvifunga. Kudzivisa kufunga uku kusati kwakura, munhu anofanira kuedza kuziva kuunza kumagumo izvo zvinoonekwa semupiro unokwanisika kumamiriro ezvinhu ane hanya nevamwe. Nekutarisa pane izvi, nekuchinja kufunga kwako kubva kune vamwe uchienda kune vamwe, unogona kuwana kugutsikana kupfuura zvakajairwa, nekuti munhu anozvifunga, pachinzvimbo chekutora mufaro wepanyama wekusangana neshamwari kana vaunoshanda navo, anowanzo kuve nehanya nemubvunzo wekuti akakosha sei kune vamwe. Mune mamwe mazwi, mubvunzo ndewokuti, ndedzipi basa - hombe nediki - ndinofunga dziri pamberi pangu? Uyu mubvunzo unofanirwa kupindurwa nekumisikidza mabasa neakareba-nguva zvibodzwa uye zvezuva nezuva- zvemamiriro ezvinhu. Ndeapi mabasa angu muushamwari, basa, hupenyu hwemhuri, pamberi pevana vangu, maererano nehutano hwangu, muviri, zororo? Mibvunzo yacho ingaratidzika sediki. Asi kana murume achiitira ungochani uye achinyunyuta nezvedambudziko rinorwadza, achisarudza pakati pemhuri ne "shamwari," uye pakupedzisira achisiya mhuri yake achiitira mudiwa, izvi zvinoreva kuti aisanyatsonzwa kutendeseka pamusoro pemabasa ake. Asi, akadzvinyirira kufunga kwavo, achivatapudza nekuzvinzwira tsitsi pamusoro penjodzi yake yakaipa.

Kubatsira munhu kukura nepfungwa, kurega kuva mwana, ndicho chinangwa chechero kurapwa kwemitsipa. Kuti uzviise zvisina kunaka, batsira munhu kuti arege kuzviraramira, kwete kukudzwa kwehucheche hwevacheche uye kwete zvekunakidzwa kwake. Paunenge uchifamba nenzira iyi, zvido zveungochani zvinodzikira. Nekudaro, kune izvi, zvakakosha zvakanyanya pakutanga kuti uone maitiro ako uye zvinangwa zvawo maererano nekukura kwavo uye kutarisisa pavari. "Zvinoita sekunge ndinongoita hanya neni chete," ngochani yakatendeseka ichati, "asi chinonzi rudo handizive." Icho chinhu chakakosha chehukama hweungochani ndeyevacheche kuzvidzora: kuda shamwari yako wega. "Ndokusaka ndiri kugara ndichimanikidza kudanana nemusikana, kunyangwe kusvika pahudzvanyiriri," akadaro mukadzi wechihure, "Anofanira kunge ari wangu chose." Vazhinji ngochani vanonyepedzera kudziya uye rudo kune vavakaroorana navo, vanowira mukuzvinyengera, vanotanga kutenda kuti idzi manzwiro ndeechokwadi. Muchokwadi, ivo vanokoshesa manzwiro eudyire uye vanoedza pamask. Izvo zvinoratidzwa zvakadzokororwa kuti vanogona kuita mhirizhonga pamwe nevavanodanana navo, uyezve, kusava nehanya navo. Ehezve, urwu harusi rudo zvachose, asi kuzvinyengera.

Nekudaro, mumwe munhu akaratidzira rupo kushamwari dzake, achivatengera zvipo zvinoshamisa, achibatsira nemari mukushayiwa, kutaura zvazviri, haana chaakapa - akangotenga tsitsi dzavo. Mumwe akaziva kuti aigara akabatikana nechitarisiko chake uye akashandisa rinenge rose mubhadharo wake pazvipfeko, vanogadzira vhudzi uye mafuta ekuzora. Ainzwa kushomeka panyama uye asingakwezve (zvinova zvakajairika), uye mumoyo make akazvinzwira tsitsi. Kuwedzeredza kwake narcissism kwaive kwekunyepedzera-kugadzirisa udyire. Zvakajairika kuti wechidiki ave akabatikana nevhudzi rake; asi zvino, sezvaanokura, achagamuchira kutaridzika kwake sezvazviri, uye izvi hazvichazove zvakakosha zvakanyanya kwaari. Kune vakawanda ngochani, zvinoitika zvakasiyana: vanobatirira kuzvinyengera kwevacheche nezve runako rwavo rwekufungidzira, vanozvitarisa kwenguva yakareba mugirazi kana kufungidzira nezvekufamba mumugwagwa kana kutaurirana nevamwe vanhu. Kuseka iwe pachako mushonga wakanaka weizvi (semuenzaniso, "Mukomana, iwe unotaridzika!")

Narcissism inogona kutora nzira dzakawanda. Iye murume anoita zvechihure anoita hunhu hwakawandisa anotora mafaro asina kufanira mukutamba ichi. Chinhu chimwe chete ichi chinoitika mumurume uyo anorima-hunyanzvi kurima hukadzi mukati make, kana zvinopesana, utambi hunotamba i "meso". Pasinei nezvose izvi pane chikonzero: "Tarira, ndinoshamisa sei!"

Kana munhu akasarudza kuratidza nemaune rudo kune vamwe vanhu, pakutanga izvi zvinogona kutungamira mukusuwa, nekuti ichiri yake chete "I" inonakidza, uye kwete "Ini" wevamwe. Iwe unogona kudzidza kuda nekukudziridza kufarira kune mumwe munhu: anorarama sei? anonzwa sei? chii chichava chakamunakira? Kubva pane izvi zvemukati kutarisisa zvidiki zviito uye zviito zvinoberekwa; munhu anotanga kunzwa kuwedzera mutoro kune vamwe. Zvisinei, izvi hazvisizvo nemaurotiki, ayo anowanzo kunzwa achisungirwa kutakura mutoro uzere wehupenyu hwevamwe. Kutora mutoro wevamwe nenzira iyi ndeimwe yemhando dzekufungidzira: "Ini ndiri munhu akakosha ane ramangwana renyika." Manzwiro erudo anokura sekuva nehanya kune hutano kune vamwe kukura, kufunga kunovakwazve uye kutarisisa kwekutarisa kuchichinja kubva pachako kuenda kune vamwe.

Ngochani dzakawanda pano neapo kana dzinogara dzichiratidza kuzvitutumadza pamaitiro adzo; vamwe vari kunyanya mundangariro dzavo ("Ini ndiri nani kupfuura iwe"). Mifungo yakadaro inofanira kubatwa pakarepo ndokugurwa, kana kuti kusekwa, kuwedzererwa. Kana "mwana wemukati" akangozvimba nekukosha kwadzikira, kugutsikana kwekunyadzisa, kunyanya, kutenda kwekusaziva kuti iwe uri rwumwe rudzi rweakakosha, akajeka, akanakisa, anobva aenda. Kufungidzira kwemukuru weNietzschean chiratidzo chekusakura. Chii chiri kudzoka? Kugamuchirwa kune hutano kuti iwe hausi nani pane vamwe, pamwe nemukana wekuzviseka iwe pachako.

Shanje zvakare chiratidzo chekusakura. “Ane ichi neicho, asi ini handina! Handikwanise kumira! Poor me ... ”Ari tsvarakadenga, akasimba, mudiki anotaridzika, hupenyu hunobuda maari, ari mutambi, anozivikanwa, ane hunyanzvi. Akanyanya kunaka, akazara nehumwe hunyoro, hukadzi, nyasha; anowana kutariswa kwakawanda kubva kuvakomana. Paunotarisa munhu webonde rakafanana newe, kuyemura kwehunhu hwechidiki uye chishuwo chekubatana nawo sangana negodo. Nzira yekubuda nayo kudzikamisa izwi re "mwana": "Dai Mwari amupa kuti ave akatonyanya nani! "Uye ndichaedza kufadzwa neni - panyama nepfungwa, dai ndiriwo wekupedzisira, murume kana mukadzi asingakoshi." Hyperdramatization uye kusekwa kunofungidzirwa kwechipiri-mwero hunhu hwechikadzi / hwevakadzi mune ramangwana kunobatsira kudzikisira egocentrism muhukama nevanhu vechikadzi chimwe chete.

Kana muverengi akafunga zvakadzama nezvenyaya dzerudo nekukura pauzima, zvinozova pachena kwaari: kurwisana neungochani kunongoreva kurwira kukura, uye iyi hondo yemukati ingori imwe yemhando dzakasiyana dzehondo iyo chero munhu waanobhadhara kuti akurise hudiki hwake; kungori kuti munhu wese ane nzvimbo dzake dzekukura.

Kuchinja Bonde Rako Basa

Kukura kunoreva, pakati pezvimwe zvinhu, kuti munhu anonzwa zvakasikwa uye zvakakwana mundima yake yekuzvarwa. Kazhinji ngochani vanokoshesa chishuwo ichi: "Ah, dai musingakwanise kukura!" Kufanira kuita semurume kana mukadzi akura zvinoita sekunge chituko kwavari. Kugunun'una kwevechidiki nezvekushomeka kwevakadzi kunoita kuti zvivaomere kuti vazvifungidzire sevakuru. Uye zvakare, ivo vanowanzove vasina chokwadi, vakawedzeredza mazano pamusoro pekuti hunhu uye hukadzi chii. Ivo vanonzwa vakasununguka zvakanyanya pabasa remwana: "inotapira, inotapira, inofadza mukomana", "mwana asina rubatsiro", "mukomana anotaridzika zvakanyanya semusikana" - kana "musikana ane tombo", "musikana akashinga uyo asiri nani kuyambuka mugwagwa", kana "musikana asina kusimba, akakanganikwa". Ivo havadi kubvuma kuti idzi manyepo "ini", masiki, izvo zvavanoda kuwana nyaradzo, kuti vatore nzvimbo yavo munzanga. Panguva imwecheteyo, iyi "theatre yemasikisi" inogona kupa vamwe - kwete vese - kunakirwa kwekunzwa kunetseka uye kwakakosha.

Ngochani murume anogona kutsvaga hunhu mune vamwe vake, akakwidziridzwa kusvika pachinzvimbo chechidhori, uye panguva imwecheteyo, zvinoshamisira, iye munhu iye (kana kuti pachinzvimbo chake chehuhwana) anogona kubata hunhu nekuzvidza, achizviona se "ane hanya", zvirinani pane "asina hunhu "Varume. Mune zvimwe zviitiko, inova "hurukuro yeguta." Lesbians vanogona kuzvidza hukadzi seyechipiri-chiyero, chinoyeuchidza kwazvo ngano yegava uye mazambiringa. Naizvozvo, zvinodikanwa kuti ubvise fungidziro dzenhema nezve "yakasarudzika mhando", "humwe", "wechitatu munda" - uyu asina murume kana asina mukadzi "Ini". Izvi zvinotapura, nekuti munhu anoziva kuti haana kusiyana nevarume nevakadziwo zvavo. Iyo halo yekukwirira inonyangarika, uye munhu anoziva kuti zvese izvi zvaive zvichemo zvevacheche zvekushomeka.

Murume anoteedzera edu ekuzvirapa mirau anozoona zvake "asiri-murume" mask. Iri basa rinogona kuzviratidza muzvinhu zvidiki, sekutenda kuti haagone kumira nedoro. Muchokwadi, ichi chihure chisina kuziva che "mukadzi" ane tsika "yakaipa" yakadaro kwete yekutarisana nayo ". "Oo, ndinonzwa kurwara mushure megirazi rimwe rekognac" - mutsara unowanzoitika kune ungochani. Iye anozvisimbisa iye neizvi, uyezve, zvakasikwa, anonzwa zvakashata, semwana anofungidzira kuti haagone kumira chero chikafu, asi panguva imwe chete haatomborwara. Bvisa iyo mask yekunzwa uye edza kunakirwa nekunwa kwakanaka (hongu, chete kana iwe wakura zvakakwana kuti unwe uye usadhakwa - nekuti ipapo chete ndipo paunenge uine rusununguko chairwo rwekusarudza). "Zvinwiwa zvinodhaka ndezvevarume chete," anodaro "mwana wemukati" weungochani. "Runako," "runako," kana narcissistic nhoroondo mune zvipfeko zvinosimbisa kusawirirana kwevanhurume kana "kunzwisisika" zvinoda kubviswa nenzira imwecheteyo. Mashati evakadzi, mhete dzinopenya uye zvimwe zvishongo, zvinonhuhwirira, magadzirirwo ebvudzi, pamwe nematauriro evakadzi, manzwi, chigunwe nemaoko, kufamba uye kufamba - izvi ndizvo zvinofanirwa kugadziriswa nemurume. Zvinonzwisisika kuteerera kuzwi rako pachako, rakanyorwa patepi, kuti ugone kuziva zvisiri zvechisikigo, kunyange zvisina kujairika maitiro sekunge anoti: "Ini handisi murume" (semuenzaniso, kutaura kunonoka nezwi rine mutsindo, rinoshungurudza, rinorira, iro rinogona kutsamwisa vamwe vanhu uye izvo hunhu hwevazhinji ngochani varume). Mushure mekudzidza uye nekunzwisisa izwi rako, edza kutaura wakadzikama, "wakasvinura", yakajeka uye yakasikwa toni uye uone mutsauko (shandisa tepi rekodhi). Uyezve teerera kupokana kwemukati kunonzwika panguva yebasa.

Zviri nyore kuti vakadzi vakunde kusada kwavo kupfeka madhirezi akanaka uye zvimwe zvakajairwa zvevakadzi. Shandisa makeup, rega kutaridzika kunge wechidiki, uye gadzirira kurwisa kunzwa kuti "kuva mukadzi hakusi kwangu" kuri kubuda. Regedza kutamba murume akasimba maererano nematauriro aunoita (teerera iwe pa tepi), zviito, uye gait.

Iwe unofanirwa kuchinja tsika yekuzvifadza iwe mune zvidiki zvinhu. Semuenzaniso, mumwe ungochani aigara akatakura maslippers kuenda naye kunoshanya, nekuti "ivo vakasununguka kwazvo mavari" (hazvina hunhu kutaura izvozvo, asi uyu muenzaniso wakajeka wekuti murume anoshanduka kuita "makuhwa" kubva kuseka). Mumwe murume aida kutsauswa kubva kune iyo inopedza-nguva yekuvaraidza yekushongedza kana kuronga maruva. Kuti uite izvi, iwe unofanirwa kunzwisisa kuti kunakirwa kunogamuchirwa kubva kune chakanakidzwa kudaro kunakidzwa kwemwana, mukomana ane hunyoro hunhu, zvatoita, hafu, "musikana". Unogona kuona zvido zvekuzvivaraidza sekushomeka kwechirume, asi uchiri kusuruvara nezvekusiya. Asi enzanisa izvozvo nemamiriro ezvinhu apo mukomana paanoona kuti nguva yapfuura yekuenda kunorara neake anofarira teddy bere. Tsvaga zvimwe zviitiko uye zvekuvaraidza izvo zviri zviviri zvakakosha pabonde uye mune zvaunofarira. Pamwe iyo teddy bere muenzaniso yakakuita kunyemwerera; asi, zvakadaro, ichokwadi: ngochani zhinji dzinokoshesa hunhu hwavo uye mukati dzinoramba kukura.

Zvino iye ngochani aburitsa chikonzero chekurambwa kwake "nemitemo" kwehunhu hwechikadzi, anoda, semuenzaniso, kukunda kuvenga kubika, kutarisira vaenzi vake kana kuzvipira kune zvimwe "zvisingakoshe" zvinhu zvidiki zvemumba, kuve munyoro nekuchengeta zvine hukama nevana vadiki kunyanya vacheche. (Kupesana nekutenda kwakakurumbira pamusoro pehunhu hwevabereki vevabonde, kazhinji manzwiro avo aamai anodzvinyirirwa, uye vanobata vana zvakanyanya sevatungamiriri vemapiyona kupfuura vanaamai.) Kubatanidzwa mune yechikadzi "basa" kukunda pamusoro pehunhu hwevacheche, uye panguva imwechete kuratidzwa kwepamoyo ndiko kutanga kwechiitiko chechikadzi.

Varume vazhinji vanoita ngochani vanofanira kumira kuva vafurikisi uye kushanda nemaoko avo: kutema matanda, kupenda imba, kushanda nefoshoro, nyundo. Izvo zvinodikanwa kuti ukurire kuramba kuramba kushanda nesimba kwemuviri. Kana zviri zvemitambo, zvinodikanwa, uko mukana unozviratidza, kutora chikamu mumakwikwi emakwikwi (nhabvu, volleyball, ...), uye kupa zvese zvaunogona, kunyangwe iwe uri kure nekuva "nyeredzi" pamunda. Kuzorora uye kurwisa, uye kwete kuti uzvichengete iwe! Vazhinji vanobva vanzwa vanoshamisa; kukwikwidza zvinoreva kukunda pamusoro pemukati "murombo" uye kunobatsira kunzwa semurume chaiye. “Mwana wemukati” weungochani anodzivisa, anoramba, uye obva arega kubva pane zvinoitwa muchiitiko zvepabonde. Nekudaro, ndinoda kusimbisa kuti zano rekutora zvakajairika vakadzi mabasa haafanire ne "maitiro ekurapa". Izvo zvakakosha pano kushandisa nehana kuda kurwisa zvemukati kuramba izvi, uye kwete kungo dzidzisa kunge nyani.

Pnguva imwechete, mune zvidiki zvakadaro zvezuva nezuva zve "chiratidzo" nehurume kana huchikadzi, munhu haafanire kupfuura kupusa. Rangarira kuti chero kuedza kukwiridzira kuratidzwa kwehurume (bvudzi, ndebvu, ndebvu, kusimbiswa kwevakadzi zvipfeko, kurima mhasuru) zvinokonzerwa nehuscerrism uye kuita vana, uye kungopa chete ungochani kuoma. Wese munhu anogona kunyora akati wandei maitiro uye zvido zvaanofanira kuteerera.

Varume ngochani vanowanzo kuve nehunhu hwehukama pakurwadziwa, semuenzaniso, "havagone kumira" kunyangwe zvinyonganiso zvidiki. Pano tinobata pamusoro wenyaya weushingi, unoenderana nekusimba kuzvivimba. "Mukomana wemukati" anotya zvakanyanya kurwa panyama uye dzimwe nzira dzekupokana, uye nekudaro hukasha hwake kazhinji husina kunangana, hwakavigwa, anokwanisa kunyengera uye kunyepa. Kuti uwane kuzvizivisa zvirinani nemurume wako, zvakakosha kukunda kutya kwekukonana, kwekutaura uye, kana zvichidikanwa, panyama. Izvo zvinodikanwa kuti utaure nokutendeseka uye nekutaura chokwadi, uzvidzivirire kana mamiriro ezvinhu achichida, uye kwete kutya hutsinye nekusekwa kubva kune vamwe vanhu. Zvakare, zvakafanira kudzivirira chiremera kana chiremera ichi chichienderana nechinzvimbo, uye kwete kufuratira zvinokwanisika "kurwisa" kwevari pasi kana vashandi. Mukuedza kuwana kuzvivimba, munhu anotsika pamusoro pe "mwana murombo" uye anowana mikana yakawanda yekuwedzeredza kunzwa kwekutya uye kunzwa sekutadza. Kusimba kwakanaka mune iyo mamiriro ezvinhu apo pfungwa inosimbisa kuti inoruramiswa, kana kutodiwa. Nekudaro, kuomarara kunogona kuve kwevechidiki kana kuchishandiswa kuratidza kuomarara kana kukosha. Maitiro akajairwa emunhu ane chivimbo anogara akadzikama, asingaratidzi, uye achitungamira kumhedzisiro.

Pane kudaro, vazhinji vevabonde vanozobatsirwa zvakanyanya nekurovedza muviri kudiki pakuzviisa pasi, kana kunyangwe - rurimi haruzoshanduke kutaura! - mukuzviisa pasi - zvakatonyanya! - kuzviisa pasi pesimba revarume. Kuti unzwe chinonzi "kuzvininipisa" uye "unyoro" hwemukadzi, ngochani inofanirwa kuramba chinzvimbo chinofungidzirwa semurume ane mukurumbira uye akazvimiririra nesimba rake rekuzvipira. Kazhinji vakadzi vanotsvaga rutsigiro rwemurume, tsvaga kuzvipa pachavo kwaari, kumutarisira; izvi zvinoratidzwa, kunyanya, mukuda kuzviisa pasi pehurume hwake. Kunyangwe kuzvishingisa kuzvisimbisa kwe "musikana" akagumburwa, mune wese ngochani mukadzi akajairwa anotsumwaira serunako rwekurara, akagadzirira kumuka.

Kunzwa kwekuderera kunowanzoita kuti "mukomana asiri murume" uye "musikana asina hunhu" agumbuke miviri yavo. Edza kubvuma zvizere nekukoshesa hunhu kana hukadzi "hwakaratidzwa" mumuviri wako. Semuenzaniso, bvisa usina kupfeka, uzviongorore mugirazi, uye sarudza kuti uri kufara nemuviri wako uye hunhu hwepabonde. Hapana chikonzero chekushandura zvine hushamwari chero chinhu nemakeup kana mbatya; unofanirwa kuchengetedza bumbiro rako rechisikigo. Mukadzi anogona kunge ane mazamu madiki, ane mhasuru kana akaonda, nezvimwe. Unofanirwa kutora izvi sezvakangoita, kuvandudza chitarisiko chako mukati memiganhu inonzwisisika, uye rega kunyunyuta nezve izvo zvausingakwanise kugadzirisa (ichi chiitwa chingatofanira kudzokororwa kanopfuura kamwe) ... Murume anofanirwa kugutsikana nebumbiro rake, nhengo yemurume, mhasuru, zvinomera pamuviri, nezvimwe. Hapana chikonzero chekunyunyuta nezvezvinhu izvi uye kufungidzira nezve imwe "yakanaka" muviri. Zviri pachena kuti kusagutsikana uku kungori kunyunyuta kwechecheche "ini".

10. Hukama nevamwe vanhu

Kuchinja kuongorora kwako kwevamwe vanhu uye kuvaka hukama navo.

Iyo ngochani neurotic inobata vamwe vanhu muchikamu se "mwana." Hazvigoneke - asi, hazvigoneke zvachose - kuchinja ungochani pasina kukudziridza kuona kwakakura kwevamwe vanhu uye nehukama hwakakura navo.

Vanhu vehunhu hwavo

Ngochani dzinofanirwa kuziva manzwiro ekuzvitarisira pasi zvine hukama nevanhu vebonde rimwe chete, pamwe nekunzwa kunyara kana uchitaurirana navo, zvichikonzerwa nekunzwa kwavo "marginality", "vatorwa". Kurwisa manzwiro aya nekuwedzeredza "mwana murombo, asina mufaro." Zvakare, ita zvekuita mukudyidzana kwako, pane kuve wakasununguka uye usingaite. Tora chikamu munhaurirano nezviitiko, uye shandisa simba kuvaka hukama. Kuedza kwako kungangoratidze tsika yakavanda yekutamba chinzvimbo chemunhu wekunze, uye, pamwe, kusada kuchinjika zvakajairika pakati pevamiriri vechikadzi, maonero asina kunaka evamwe vanhu, kuramba kwavo kana chimiro chisina kunaka kwavari. Ehezve, hazvina kunaka kushandira kuchinjika kuri nani pakati penhengo dzebonde rimwe chete nekuda kwechido chemwana chekuvafadza. Chekutanga pane zvese, zvinonyanya kukosha kuve shamwari kune vamwe pachako, uye kwete kutsvaga shamwari. Izvi zvinoreva kubva kubva pakutsvaga kwemwana kudzivirirwa kuenda mukutora mutoro wevamwe. Kubva pane kusava nehanya iwe unofanirwa kuuya kune kufarira, kubva pavacheche kuvengana, kutya uye kusavimba - kunzwira tsitsi uye kuvimba, kubva "kunamatira" uye kutsamira - kune hutano hwakanaka hwemukati. Kune varume ngochani, izvi zvinowanzoreva kukunda kutya kwekukonana, kushoropodzwa uye hukasha, kune vevabonde - kugamuchira mukadzi kana kunyange basa revabereki uye zvido, pamwe nekukunda kushorwa kwezvinhu zvakadaro. Varume vanowanzo fanirwa kuramba kwavo kutevedzera uye kushandira, uye vakadzi vanofanirwa kusiya masimba, kutonga kwakatsauka.

Izvo zvinodikanwa kusiyanisa pakati pemumwe neumwe uye neboka kutaurirana nevamiriri vevakadzi vavo. Vanhu vanofarira ungochani vanonzwa "vakasununguka", kuva pakati pevezera ravo vanoita zvochani, kunyanya kana muhudiki zvaive zvakavaomera kuchinja mumapoka evana evanhurume hwavo. Mumamiriro ezvinhu akadai, vanowanzoona kusagadzikana kwakaoma. Zvinoda kushinga kumira kudzivirira boka uye kutanga kuzvibata, zvakajairika, pasina zvekumanikidzira zviitwa, pasina kudzivirira zvingangoita kusekwa kana kurambwa neboka, uku uchiramba uchiita senge nhengo yeboka.

Ushamwari

Ushamwari chaihwo manyuko omufaro. Muhukama hushamwari, munhu wega wega anorarama hupenyu hwake, hwekuzvimiririra, uye panguva imwechete hapana kunamira kunonamira kwe "wega mwana wemukati" akasurukirwa, hapana chekuda chega chekutarisirwa. Kuvaka hushamwari chaihwo nemumwe munhu pasina zvido zveudyire uye pasina chishuwo cheku "dzorera chero chinhu" zvinopa maitiro ekukura kwepfungwa. Pamusoro pezvo, mufaro wekuva nehukama hwakajairika nevanhukadzi zvakaenzana zvinogona kubatsira mukukura kwehunhu hwechikadzi, zvinobatsira kubata nemanzwiro ekusurukirwa izvo zvinowanzo kutungamira mukuita kwetsika kwekufungidzira kweungochani.

Nekudaro, kushamwaridzana kwakajairika nenhengo dzechisikana kunogona kukonzera kukakavara kwemukati. Iye ngochani anogona kudzoka nemaune kuonerwa kushamwari yeshamwari yake, uye zvisungo zvinoshuva zvishuwo zvisingaiti zvinogona kuoneka. Zvino chiitei? Kazhinji, zviri nani kurega kudzivirira shamwari. Chekutanga pane zvese, ongorora infantile chikamu chemanzwiro ako uye maitiro maererano nazvo uye edza kuzvishandura. Semuenzaniso, iwe unogona kumbomira kana kushandura dzimwe mhando dzemaitiro, kunyanya, tsika yekukwezva kutarisa kwake, chishuvo chekudzivirirwa kwake kana kutarisirwa.

Usabvumidza chimiro chedziya chechecheche kwauri. Rega fungidziro munzvimbo dzakaipa. (Iwe unogona, semuenzaniso, hyperdramatize ivo.) Ita chisarudzo chakasimba chekurega kutengesa shamwari yako, uchimushandisa mune zvaunofungidzira sedhiza, kunyangwe zvikaitika "chete" mukufunga kwako. Bata iyi yakaoma mamiriro seyakaoma, semukana wekukura. Tarisa zvakatarisana nechitarisiko cheshamwari yako nehunhu hwake, mune chairo: "Haana nani kwandiri, mumwe nemumwe wedu ane hunhu hwake hwakanaka uye hwakaipa." Uye chete kana iwe uchinzwa kuti kusaziva kwako kwakabatana naye kunokukunda, dzora simba rekutaurirana kwako kwechinguva. Edza kudzivirira padyo padyo nemuviri (asi usave unofarira panguva imwe chete!): Semuenzaniso, usarara mukamuri rimwechete. Uye, pakupedzisira, chinonyanya kukosha chinhu: usayedze kuti akunzwire tsitsi iwe, kurwisa chero zvirevo mukutungamira uku, sezvo izvi zvichigona kukonzeresa kuzvidzora kune hunhu husina humwari. Iwe unofanirwa kuratidzira zvakatemwa pane shanduko pamaitiro uye nekuona mamiriro akadai muhukama hwevanhu kana iwe uchifanira kubata nehunhu husina mutsigo uye unodzitsiva humwe, hunowedzera kukura.

Vanhu vakwegura

Varume ngochani vanogona kubata varume vakura kupfuura zera ravo sababa: kutya simba ravo, kuteerera zvakanyanya muukama pamwe navo, kuedza kuvafadza, kana kumukira mukati. Mune zviitiko zvakadaro, semazuva ese, ziva izvi zvemaitiro maitiro uye edza kutsiva izvo zvitsva. Iva kusekerera (semuenzaniso, iwe unogona kupfuudza rako "mukomana mudiki" remukati) uye uve neushingi hwekuita mutsauko. Nenzira imwe cheteyo, varume vanoita ungochani vanogona kubata vakadzi vakura se “vanamai” kana kuti “babamunini”. Mwana wake wemukati anogona kutanga kuita se "mukomana-mukomana", mwana anovimba naye, mukomana asina hunhu, kana "anotyisa anotyisa" uyo anogona kusapokana pachena nezvido zvaamai vake, asi pamukana wese anoyedza kutsiva kutonga kwake pamusoro pake chinyararire. zvichimutsamwisa. "Akabiwa mwana" muchecheche anofarira kufarirwa naamai vake, kudzivirirwa kwake pamwe nekuzvibata kwavo vese Kufanana maitiro kunogona kufungidzirwa kune vamwe vakadzi. Varume ngochani vanoroora vanogona kutarisira chimiro chakadai kubva kuvakadzi vavo, vachiri ivo "vakomana" vari kuda kutrava, kudzivirirwa, kutonga kana kutsigirwa kubva pamufananidzo waamai, vachiri kuenderera vachimutsigira “hukuru” hwavo ", Chaizvoizvo kana kufungidzira.

Vakadzi vanofarira kuita ungochani vanogona kubata varume vakura sababa vavo, vobva vamubatsira zvinovaka humwe hukama hwavo nababa vavo. Zvinotaridzika kwavari kuti varume havafariri, kana kuti vane masimba kana kubvisirwa. Dzimwe nguva vakadzi vakadaro ndeve varume vakura, seku "shamwari", "kune vakomana vavo". Kuita kwevana kwekusaterera, kusaremekedza, kana kujairana kunoendeswa kuchichibva kuna baba kusvika kune vamwe varume. Kune vamwe vakadzi, iyo "murume" nzira yekuzvisimbisa inokonzerwa nechishuwo chekuita zvinotarisirwa nababa vavo. Zvichida baba vacho vakasundira mwanasikana wavo basa rekuita "murume akabudirira", vachimuremekedza zvakanyanya nekuda kwehunhu hwake hwechikadzi seizvo zvavakawana; kana, panguva yehudiki hwake, baba vake vakasimbisa zvakabudirira zvevakoma vake, uye musikana akatanga kutevedzera maitiro ehama.

Vabereki

"Intra-mwana" anomira mukukura kwayo pamwero wekusagona manzwiro, mafungiro uye maitiro, kunyangwe kana vabereki vangave vakafa kare. Murume ngochani kazhinji anoramba achitya baba vake, anoramba asina hanya mukati make kana kumuramba, asi panguva imwechete anotsvaga kutenderwa naye. Maitiro ake kuna baba vake anogona kuratidzwa nemashoko anoti: "Ini handidi kuva nechinhu chakafanana newe", kana: "Ini handizoteedzere mirairo yake, iye mirairo yako, kana ukasandibata neruremekedzo rwakafanira." Murume akadaro anogona kuramba achifarirwa naamai vake, achiramba kuva mukuru ane hukama naye uye nababa vake. Pane nzira mbiri dzekugadzirisa dambudziko iri. Kutanga, gamuchira baba vako vakadaro uye uku vakunde antipathy yako kwaari uye shungu dzekutsiva. Pane kupokana, ratidza chero zviratidzo zvekutarisa kwaari uye ratidza kufarira muhupenyu hwake. Kechipiri, ramba kupindira kwaamai muhupenyu hwako uye kubva pakuchecheudzwa kwako iwe. Iwe unofanirwa kuzviita zvinyoro, asi zvakapfuurira. Usarega iye achidzvinyirira iwe nekunyanyisa kuda kana hanya newe (kana izvi zviripo mumamiriro ako). Usabvunze naye kakawanda kuwana mazano uye usamurega achigadzirisa nyaya dzaunogona kugadzirisa wega. Chinangwa chako chakabili: kuputsa hukama husina kunaka nababa vako, uyezve "wakanaka" naamai vako. Iva mwanakomana akazvimiririra, akura mwana wevabereki vako anovabata zvakanaka. Pakupedzisira, izvi zvichatungamira pakuda baba vako zvakanyanya, uye iwe uchanzwa kuve wako, uye zvakare, pamwe, kusvika kure kure muhukama naamai vako, izvo zvinopa hukama huno, zvakadaro, chokwadi chakawanda. Dzimwe nguva amai vacho vanotadzisa kuvaka kwehukama hutsva uye vanoedza kuti vadzorere yavo yekutanga kubatirana. Nekudaro, mukupedzisira kuongorora, inowanzove yakaderera, uye hukama hunowanzo kudzvinyirira uye hunowanda. Usatya kurasikirwa naamai vako uye usatya kushungurudzika pane yavo (sezvazvinoitika mune dzimwe nguva). Iwe uchafanirwa "kutungamira" amai muhukama uhwu (uchiramba mwana wavo ane rudo), kwete kumugarika.

Vakadzi vane hungochani vanowanzokurira maitiro ekuramba amai vavo uye nekuchinja kwavasina kufarira kana manzwiro ari kure. Pano zvakare yakanaka nzira ingave kuratidza kwechiratidzo chekutarisisa zvinoitika kumwanasikana anofarira amai vake. Uye pamusoro pezvese, edza kuzvigamuchira, nezvinetso zvaro zvakaoma kana zvisina kufadza, usinga pindure kwavari zvakanyanya. Kune "mwana wemukati," pane kudaro, zvakajairika kuramba zvese zvinobva kumubereki iye anomuda. Unogona kuzvitsaura kubva pashoko rekuti mubereki haagoni kushandurwa, nepo izvi zvisingatadzise munhu akura kuda uye kugamuchira mubereki uyu, achizviziva semwana wake. Mushure mezvose, iwe uri nyama yenyama yake, iwe unomiririra hunhu hwevabereki vako. Pfungwa yokuva wevabereki vese chiratidzo chekusimba mupfungwa. Vakadzi vazhinji vanoita zvebonde vanofanirwa kusiya tsika yavo nababa vavo. Vakadzi vakadai vanofanirwa kudzidza kusatendera mukuda kwababa vavo kuti vamuitire seshamwari yavo yechirume uye kwete kuyedza kubudirira kwaanotarisira kubva kwaari. Anofanira kubvisa chitupa chakamisikidzwa kuna baba vake, achiomerera pane izvo "Ini ndinoda kuve mukadzi uyo ini nemwanasikana wako, kwete mwanakomana wekunyepedzera." A “nzira” ine simba mukuvaka hutano hwakanaka nevabereki kukanganwirwa. Kazhinji hatikwanise kukanganwira nekukasika.

Nekudaro, mune imwe mamiriro ezvinhu, tinogona kusarudza kuregerera ipapo, semuenzaniso, kana tikayeuka zvimwe zvemafambiro evabereki vedu kana maitiro avo kwatiri. Dzimwe nguva kukanganwira kunoperekedzwa nehondo yemukati, asi kazhinji kazhinji kunopa zororo, kunozadza hukama nevabereki nerudo, uye kunobvisa mabhagi ekutaurirana. Mune imwe nzira, kukanganwira kunofanana nekupedza "kuridza mhere" mukati uye zvichemo pamusoro pevabereki vega. Nekudaro, kune zvekare rutivi rwetsika rwekuregerera, ndosaka rwakadzika zvakanyanya. Izvo zvinosanganisirawo kurasa kwekuzvitutumadza. Uye zvakare, kukanganwira zvinoreva kwete kungochinja hunhu, asi kuti uve zvechokwadi, zvinofanirwa kusanganisira zvimwe zviito nezviito.

Asi haisi nyaya yekuregerera chete. Kana ukaongorora hunhu hwako husingaonekere kuvabereki, uchaona kuti iwe pachako wanga uri chikonzero chemaonero asina kunaka kwauri, uye zvakare uchishaiwa rudo navo. Kana uchichinja hukama, iwe ungangoda kuve nekukurukurirana pachena nezvematambudziko ako kuti uveregerere nekuvakumbira kuregererwa

Kuvaka hukama nenhengo dzevakomana kana vakadzi; wanano

Iri ndiro danho rekupedzisira mukushandura hupenyu hwako - kubva pamanzwiro nemaitiro e "mukomana asiri murume" kana "musikana asina mukadzi" kuenda kumanzwiro uye maitiro emurume akajairika kana mukadzi akasununguka. Murume anofanira kurega kutarisira vakadzi vezera rake kuti vamudzivirire, pamper, kana kumubata semwana mudiki, uye obva pachigaro chehanzvadzi yehanzvadzi yake isina ruzivo, isingadikanwe kuhurume kana hutungamiriri hwevanhurume. Iye zvakare anofanirwa kukunda kutya kwake kwevakadzi, kutya kwe "mwana murombo" asingakwanise kupinda munzvimbo yemurume munzira ipi neipi. Kuve murume zvinoreva kutora basa uye hutungamiriri kumukadzi. Izvi zvinoreva kusatendera mai-mukadzi kutonga, asi asi, pazvinenge zvichidikanwa, iva mutungamiri uye uite sarudzo dzakabatana. Hazvishamise kuti danho rekutanga kuroora murume ungochani rinobva kumukadzi wake, kunyangwe zvingave zvakajairika kuti murume akunde mukadzi. Kazhinji mukadzi anoda kudiwa uye kukundwa nemudiwa wake.

Mukadzi ane hukama hwengochani anofanira kukunda kusarongeka kwekurambwa kwechikadzi iko mukati uye kugamuchira nemoyo wangu wese kutungamira basa remurume. Mabhizinesi echikadzi anoona ichi sechivi chitadzo, asi kutaura zvazviri, pfungwa iyo yakaenzana nemitezo yevakadzi haina kusarudzika zvekuti zvizvarwa zvinotevera zvinogona kuzviona seiko kushatisa kwetsika inoraika. Misiyano iripo pakati pemagariro echirume neechikadzi ndeayo, uye vanhu vari kunetseka nehunhu hwavo hwechingochani vanofanirwa kudzokera kumatambo aya.

Heter ungochani manzwiro anongouya chete kana iko kwekunzwa kweumwe murume kana murumekadzi kwadzoreredzwa. Nekudaro, munhu haafanire "kudzidzisa" hupombwe, nekuti izvi zvinowedzera kuzvishingisa: "Ndinofanira kuratidza hunhu hwangu (hushamwari)." Edza kusapinda muhukama hwepedyo nemumiririri wevakomana kana mukadzi, kana usiri murudo uye usinganzwe kukwezva kwemunhu uyu. Nekudaro, kuti munhu abvise ungochani, dzimwe nguva (kunyangwe zvisiri nguva dzose) maitiro chaiwo anogona kutora makore akati wandei. Kazhinji, zviri nani kumirira pane kupinda muwanano isati yasvika. Muchato hausi iro guru chinangwa mukurwira huchingoitika, uye zviitiko hazvifanire kumhanyiswa pano.

Kune vazhinji vanotsigira ungochani, kuroora kunokonzeresa kusangana kwekuvengana uye godo, uye vanhu vakadaro vanokurumidza kutsamwa pavanongonzwa kuti imwe yeshamwari dzavo dzavari kuroora kana kuroora Ivo vanonzwa sevokunze vari munzira dzakawanda vakaderera kushamwari dzavo. Uye kunyange ivo vari "vana" kana "vachiri kuyaruka," zvakanyatso kunetsa kwavari kuti vanzwisise zvakawanda muhukama hwemurume nemukadzi. Zvakangodaro, zvishoma nezvishoma vachibvisa neurosis yavo, vanhu vane hungochani vanotanga kuziva kusimba kwehukama hwemurume nemukadzi uye vanogamuchira chokwadi chekuti ivo pachavo vanogona kuve chikamu chenyika ino yevakuru yevarume nevakadzi.

Mukupedzisa, ndinoda kutaura: usambofa washandisa imwe kuitira kuti itaurire iyo mukusangana nehukadzi hunoratidzika. Kana iwe uchida kupona riinha kungo ita wega wega (kuvandudza) hungochani, pane njodzi chaiyo yekudonha muusikana zvakare. Usapinda muhukama hwepedyo kusvikira iwe uine chokwadi chekuti urwu rudo rwevose, kusanganisira rudo rwekunyepedzera, asi harugumi pariri; nerudo rwakadai mamuri makafunga kuvimbika kune mumwe nemumwe. Uye izvi zvinoreva kuti iwe unosarudza kusarudza mumwe munhu kwete iwe, asi nekuda kwake.

Chinhu