Chitsogozo cha kudzichiritsa kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kutengera zaka makumi atatu zokhudzana ndi zochiritsa za wolemba amene adagwira ntchito ndi makasitomala ambiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha a 300.

Ndapereka bukuli kwa azimayi ndi abambo omwe azunzidwa ndi malingaliro ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, koma sindikufuna kukhala ngati amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndipo amafunika thandizo ndi chithandizo chopindulitsa.

Iwo omwe aiwalika, omwe mawu ake adasungunuka, ndipo samatha kupeza mayankho pagulu lathu, lomwe limavomereza ufulu wodzilimbikitsira pawokha kwa otchova juga.

Omwe amasalidwa ngati angaganize kapena kuganiza kuti malingaliro ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha komanso osasinthika ndi bodza lomvetsa chisoni, ndipo izi si zawo.

Mau oyamba

Bukuli ndi chitsogozo cha mankhwalawa, kapena kuti, kudzichitira nokha kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Cholinga chake ndi cha anthu ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha omwe angafune kusintha "boma" lawo, koma alibe mwayi wolumikizana ndi katswiri yemwe angamvetse funsoli moyenera. Zowonadi, palibe akatswiri ambiri otere. Chifukwa chachikulu cha izi ndikuti m'mayunivesite mutuwu udutsa kapena kunyalanyazidwa kwathunthu, ndipo ngati ungatchulidwe, ndiye kuti uli mkati mwa malingaliro a "chizolowezi": kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha pankhaniyi ndichikhalidwe china chokhudza kugonana. Chifukwa chake, pali madokotala ochepa, akatswiri azamisala komanso othandizira padziko lapansi omwe ali ndi chidziwitso chofunikira mderali.

Ntchito yodziyimira payokha imakhazikika mumtundu uliwonse wamankhwala ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha; komabe, izi sizitanthauza kuti munthu atha kuchita popanda thandizo lakunja. Munthu aliyense amene akufuna kuthana ndi mavuto awo amafunika kukhala ndi womuthandizira womvetsetsa komanso wothandizana naye yemwe angalankhule naye momasuka, yemwe angawathandize kuzindikira zofunikira pamoyo wawo komanso zolinga zawo, komanso kuwatsogolera pakumenya nkhondo ndi iwo eni. Mlangizi wotere sayenera kukhala katswiri wothandizira, ngakhale zili bwino kuti akhale (bola ngati ali ndi chidziwitso chazakugonana komanso zamakhalidwe, apo ayi atha kuvulaza koposa zabwino). Nthawi zina, ntchitoyi imatha kuseweredwa ndi adotolo kapena abusa omwe ali ndi thanzi labwino komanso okhoza kumvetsetsa. Pakalibe izi, mnzake kapena wachibale womvetsera komanso wathanzi amalimbikitsidwa kuti akhale wowalangiza.

Pokhudzana ndi zomwe tafotokozazi, bukuli lakonzedwa, mwa zina, kwa othandizira ndi onse omwe amachita ndi amuna kapena akazi okhaokha omwe akufuna kusintha - chifukwa kuti akhale othandizira, amafunikiranso chidziwitso chofunikira chokhudza kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha.

Maganizo pa kumvetsetsa komanso (kudzichiritsa) kwa kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha omwe amaperekedwa kwa owerenga ntchitoyi ndi chifukwa chazaka zopitilira zaka makumi atatu zakufufuza ndi chithandizo kwa makasitomala oposa mazana atatu, omwe ndakhala ndikudziwana nawo kwazaka zambiri, komanso odziwana ndi anthu ena ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. anthu payekhapayekha (onse "azachipatala" komanso "osakhala aza kuchipatala", kapena kuti, ogwirizana) Ponena za kuyesa kwamaganizidwe, ubale wapabanja, maubale ndi makolo ndikusinthasintha kwaubwana, ndimalimbikitsa kutchula za m'mabuku anga awiri am'mbuyomu, The Origin and Treatment of Hom usho ushoga, 1986, (olembera akatswiri azachipatala), kuti mumvetsetse bwino izi. Kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndi Chiyembekezo, 1985

Kukoma mtima, kapena kufuna kusintha

Pokana kutsimikiza mtima, chifuniro, kapena "chabwino," palibe kusintha komwe kungatheke. Nthawi zambiri, pamaso pa cholinga chotere, zinthu zimayenda bwino kwambiri, nthawi zina, kusintha kwamkati kwamalingaliro onse amachitika, limodzi ndi kusintha kwa zomwe amakonda.

Koma ndani ali nacho, kodi ndikulakalaka kusintha? Ambiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, kuphatikiza iwo omwe amadzinena poyera kuti ndi "amuna kapena akazi okhaokha," amakhalabe ndi chidwi chabwinobwino - nthawi zambiri zimangoponderezedwa. Komabe, owerengeka okha ndi omwe amafunafuna kusintha mosasinthasintha komanso molimbika, osati kungochita malinga ndi momwe akumvera. Ngakhale iwo omwe atsimikiza mtima kulimbana ndi kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha nthawi zambiri amakhala ndi zikhumbo zobisika zakumbuyo zokopa zogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Chifukwa chake, kwa ambiri, kufunitsitsa kwabwino kumakhalabe kofooka; Kuphatikiza apo, zimasokonezedwa kwambiri ndimayitanidwe pagulu oti "avomereze kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha".

Kuti mukhalebe olimba, ndikofunikira kukulitsa mwa inu olimbikitsira monga:

• kuwona zoonekeratu kuti kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndi chinthu chosakhala chibadwa;

• zikhulupiliro zabwino komanso / kapena zikhulupiriro;

• pa nkhani yaukwati - chikhumbo chofuna kukonza ubale womwe ulipo mbanja (kulumikizana, ndi zina zotero - chofunikira kwambiri mbanja kupatula kugonana).

Kukhala ndi cholinga chabwinobwino sikofanana ndi kudziyesa nokha, kudana, kapena kuvomereza mwamantha malamulo amakhalidwe pazifukwa zokhazo zomwe zalembedwa ndi gulu kapena chipembedzo. M'malo mwake, kumatanthauza kukhala ndi malingaliro odekha komanso olimba kuti kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha sikugwirizana ndi kukhwima m'maganizo komanso / kapena kuyera, mwamakhalidwe ndi chikumbumtima ndi udindo pamaso pa Mulungu. Chifukwa chake, kuti athandizidwe bwino ndi chithandizo chamankhwala, kulimbikitsidwa nthawi zonse kutsimikiza mtima kwanu kulimbana ndi amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kumafunika.

Zotsatira

Ndizomveka kuti ambiri mwa iwo omwe akufuna kuchiritsidwa ku kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, ndi anthu ena achidwi akufuna kudziwa "kuchuluka kwa anthu omwe achiritsidwa". Komabe, ziwerengero zosavuta sizokwanira kuti tipeze chidziwitso chathunthu pakuwunika koyenera. Zomwe ndikukumana nazo, 10 mpaka 15 peresenti ya omwe amayamba kulandira chithandizo amapeza kuchiritsa "kopitilira muyeso" (30% siyani chithandizo mkati mwa miyezi ingapo). Izi zikutanthauza kuti patatha zaka mankhwala atatha, malingaliro ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha samabwereranso kwa iwo, amakhala omasuka pakugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha - kusintha kumangokulira pakapita nthawi; Pomaliza, gawo lachitatu komanso lofunikira pakusintha "kwakukulu" ndikuti akuyenda bwino pokhudzana ndi malingaliro ndi kukhwima. Gawo lomaliza ndilofunikira kwambiri, chifukwa kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha sikungokhala "zokonda", koma chiwonetsero cha umunthu wina wamanjenje. Mwachitsanzo, ndawona zochitika zingapo zosintha mwachangu komanso kwathunthu modzikonda mwa okonda kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha mwa odwala omwe ali ndi paranoia obisika kale. Izi ndi zochitika za "chizindikiro cholowa m'malo" zomwe zimatipatsa chidziwitso chazachipatala kuti kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha sikumangokhala vuto lazogonana.

Ambiri mwa iwo omwe amagwiritsa ntchito njira zomwe zafotokozedwa pano amakhala ndi kusintha kwenikweni pambuyo poti atha zaka zochepa (mpaka pakati pa zaka zitatu mpaka zisanu). Zolakalaka zawo zogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha zimafooketsa kapena kuzimiririka, kugonana kwa amuna ndi akazi amadziwonetsera okha kapena kumatheka bwino, ndipo mulingo wamatsenga umachepa. Ena (koma osati onse),, nthawi zina amakumananso ndi mavuto (chifukwa cha kupsinjika, mwachitsanzo), ndipo amabwerera ku malingaliro awo akale okonda kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha; koma, ngati ayambanso nkhondo, zimadutsa posachedwa.

Chithunzichi ndichabwino kwambiri kuposa chomwe olowerera amayesetsa kuti atiwonetse, omwe akuteteza zofuna zawo polimbikitsa lingaliro la kusasinthika kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Kumbali ina, kupeza bwino sikophweka monga momwe okonda gay ena amakono amati. Choyamba, kusintha kwa zinthu nthawi zambiri kumatenga pafupifupi zaka zitatu mpaka zisanu, ngakhale kuli konse komwe kupita patsogolo kwakanthawi. Kuphatikiza apo, kusintha koteroko kumafunikira kupirira, kukhala wokonzeka kukhala wokhutira ndi magawo ang'onoang'ono, zopambana zazing'ono m'moyo watsiku ndi tsiku m'malo mongodikira machiritso ofulumira. Zotsatira za kusinthaku sizikhumudwitsa tikazindikira kuti munthu akuchira (yekha) amathandizidwanso kapena kuphunzitsanso umunthu wake wosasinthika komanso wosakhwima. Simukufunikanso kuganiza kuti simuyenera kuyesanso kuyambitsa mankhwala ngati zotsatira zake sizikutha kwathunthu kwa malingaliro onse ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Mosiyana ndi izi, wokonda kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amatha kupindula ndi izi: kukhudzidwa ndi kugonana kumatha pafupifupi ponse ponse, ndipo amayamba kukhala wosangalala komanso wathanzi ndi malingaliro ake atsopano, kumene, amakhalanso ndi moyo. Pakati pa kuchiritsa kwathunthu, kumbali yina, kupita patsogolo pang'ono kapena kwakanthawi (mu 20% ya iwo omwe adapitiliza mankhwala) pali kupitiliza kwakukulu kwa kusintha kwabwino. Mulimonse momwe zingakhalire, ngakhale iwo amene atukuka kwambiri pakukonza momwe alili nthawi zambiri amachepetsa mayanjano awo, omwe angatengedwe ngati chuma ndi malingaliro amoyo wathupi, poganizira za mliri wa Edzi. (Zambiri zokhudzana ndi matenda opatsirana pogonana komanso chiyembekezo cha ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndizowopsa).

Mwachidule, pankhani yokhudzana ndi kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, tikulimbana ndi zomwezo monga ma neuroses ena: phobias, obsessions, kukhumudwa kapena zovuta zakugonana. Chomveka kwambiri ndikuchita china chotsutsana ndi izi, ngakhale kuwononga mphamvu kwakukulu ndikusiya zosangalatsa ndi zongoyerekeza. Anthu ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amadziwa izi, koma chifukwa chokana kuwona zowonekeratu, amayesetsa kudzitsimikizira kuti zomwe amakonda ndizabwino ndipo amakwiya akawopseza maloto awo kapena kuthawa zenizeni. Amakonda kukokomeza zovuta zamankhwala ndipo, zachidziwikire, samayang'ana phindu lomwe ngakhale kusintha kwakung'ono kwabwino kumabweretsa. Koma kodi anthu amakana chithandizo cha nyamakazi kapena khansa, ngakhale kuti mankhwalawa samabweretsa kuchiritsa kwathunthu kwa magulu onse a odwala?

Kupambana kwa kayendedwe ka gay ndi njira zina zochiritsira

Mu gulu lomwe likukula la gay, munthu akhoza kukumana ndi ambiri omwe atukuka kwambiri kapena achira. M'machitidwe awo, magulu awa ndi mabungwe amagwiritsa ntchito kusakanikirana kwa malingaliro ndi malingaliro achikristu ndi njira, kulipira chidwi makamaka pankhani yankhondo yamkati. Wodwala Mkristu ali ndi mwayi pamankhwala, chifukwa chikhulupiriro m'Mawu osasinthika a Mulungu chimamupatsa iye mawonekedwe oyenera m'moyo, amalimbitsa kufuna kwake kutsutsana ndi mbali yakuda ya umunthu wake ndikulimbana ndi chiyero chamakhalidwe. Ngakhale pali zovuta zina, mwachitsanzo. . Ndikutanthauza chithandizo chokhudzana ndi kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha chiyenera kuthana nthawi imodzi ndi psychology, uzimu ndi chikhalidwe - mokulira kwambiri kuposa mankhwala aminyewa yambiri yaminyewa. Kugwiritsa ntchito zoyeserera zauzimu, munthu amaphunzira kumvera mawu a chikumbumtima, omwe amamuuza zakusagwirizana kwa moyo wogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha komanso dziko lenileni m'malingaliro komanso ndi chipembedzo chenicheni. Ambiri omwe amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amayesetsa momwe angayanjanitsire zosagwirizanazo ndikuganiza kuti atha kukhala okhulupirira ndikukhala ndi moyo wogonana amuna kapena akazi anzawo nthawi yomweyo. Kukhazikika ndi chinyengo cha zikhumbo zoterezi ndizodziwikiratu: zimatha ndikubwerera kumakhalidwe ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndikuiwaliratu za Chikhristu, kapena - pofuna kukakamiza chikumbumtima - kukhazikitsa mtundu wawo wachikhristu wogwirizana ndi kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Ponena za chithandizo cha kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, zotsatira zabwino kwambiri zitha kupezeka podalira kuphatikiza kwa zinthu zauzimu ndi zamakhalidwe ndi zomwe psychology yakwaniritsa.

Sindikufuna kuti aliyense akhale ndi chithunzi chakuti ndikunyalanyaza kufunikira kwa njira zina ndi njira zina akamazolowera malingaliro anga okhudzana ndi kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha komanso chithandizo chake. Zikuwoneka kwa ine kuti malingaliro amakono azachipatala ndi njira zochiritsira ndizofanana kwambiri kuposa kusiyana. Makamaka, izi zimakhudza lingaliro la kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ngati vuto lakuzindikira amuna - izi zimagawidwa ndi pafupifupi aliyense. Kuphatikiza apo, njira zochiritsira pochita zimatha kusiyanasiyana kwambiri kuposa momwe zimawonekera ngati mabuku owerengera okha ndi omwe amafanizidwa. Zimakwaniritsidwa m'njira zambiri. Ndipo ndimalemekeza kwambiri anzanga onse omwe amagwira nawo ntchito imeneyi, kuyesera kuthana ndi zinsinsi zogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha komanso kuthandiza odwala matendawa kuti adziwe kuti ndi ndani.

Pano ndikupereka lingaliro, lingaliro langa, ndilo lingaliro labwino kwambiri la malingaliro osiyanasiyana ndi malingaliro omwe njira zoyesera zodzithandizira zimachokera. Tikamvetsetsa zolondola komanso malingaliro athu, makasitomala athu amatithandiza kumvetsetsa, ndipo izi zimakhudza momwe angakwaniritsire mkhalidwe wake.

1. Kodi kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndi chiyani

Kubwereza kwakanthawi kwamalingaliro

Kuti owerenga apange lingaliro lomveka bwino la zomwe zidzafotokozeredwe pansipa, choyamba tithandizira zomwe zimasiyanitsidwa ndi zomwe tili.

1. Njira yathu imakhazikika pamalingaliro a kudzimvera chisoni, ndipo timawona chifundo ichi kukhala chinthu choyambirira komanso chofunikira pa kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Wogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha samasankha kudzimvera chisoni, ngati ndinganene choncho, alipo mwa iwo okha, ndikupangitsa kuti alimbikitse machitidwe ake "owonera anzawo". Kwenikweni, kukopeka ndi amuna kapena akazi anzawo, komanso kudziona kuti ndi otsika mwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, ndi umboni woti amadzimvera chisoni. Kumvetsetsa kumeneku kumagwirizana ndi malingaliro ndi malingaliro a Alfred Adler (1930, kunyozeka kocheperako komanso chikhumbo cha kulipidwa monga kubwezera kunyozeka akufotokozedwa), a psychoanalyst aku Austro-American a Edmund Bergler (1957, kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kumatengedwa ngati "masochism amisala") ndi wazamisala wachi Dutch a Johan Arndt (1961, lingaliro limaperekedwa. kudzimvera chisoni).

2. Chifukwa cha kuchepa kwa jenda, kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kumakhalabe "mwana", "wachinyamata" - chodabwitsa ichi chimadziwika kuti kukhanda. Lingaliro la Freudian lidagwiritsidwa ntchito pa kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndi a Wilhelm Steckel (1922), zomwe zikugwirizana ndi lingaliro lamakono la "mwana wamkati wam'mbuyomu" (wazamisala wamankhwala waku America a Missldine, 1963, Harris, 1973, ndi ena).

3. Khalidwe linalake la makolo kapena ubale wapakati pa mwana ndi kholo zitha kuyambitsa chikhazikitso cha mkhalidwe wotsika wa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha; komabe, kusalandilidwa pagulu la amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndikofunikira kwambiri kuposa zomwe zimapangidwira. Kafukufuku wamaganizidwe achikhalidwe amachepetsa kusokonezeka kulikonse pakukula kwamalingaliro ndi neurosis kuubwenzi wosokonezeka pakati pa mwana ndi kholo. Popanda kukana kufunikira kwakulu kwa ubale wapakati pa kholo ndi mwana, tikuwona, komabe, kuti chinthu chofunikira kwambiri pakudzindikira kudzidalira pakati pa amuna ndi akazi poyerekeza ndi anzawo amtundu womwewo. Mmenemo timagwirizana ndi nthumwi za neo-psychoanalysis, monga Karen Horney (1950) ndi Johan Arndt (1961), komanso akatswiri odziwa kudzidalira, mwachitsanzo, Karl Rogers (1951) ndi ena.

4. Kuopa anthu omwe si amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kumakhala pafupipafupi (psychoanalysts Ferenczi, 1914, 1950; Fenichel 1945), koma osati chomwe chimayambitsa kukopeka kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. M'malo mwake, mantha awa amalankhula za zisonyezo zakuchepa kwa amuna ndi akazi, zomwe, zimatha kukhumudwitsidwa ndi amuna kapena akazi anzawo, omwe ziyembekezo zogonana zomwe amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amadziona kuti sangathe kuzikwaniritsa.

5. Kutsatira zilakolako zogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kumabweretsa chizolowezi chogonana. Omwe amatsata njirayi akukumana ndi mavuto awiri: zovuta zazochepera pakati pa amuna ndi akazi komanso chizolowezi chogonana pawokha (chomwe chikufanana ndi mkhalidwe wa neurotic yemwe ali ndi vuto la mowa). Katswiri wazamisala waku America Lawrence J. Hatterer (1980) adalemba izi.

6. Mu (kudzikonda) chithandizo, kuthekera kodziseka wekha kumachita gawo lapadera. Pa mutu wodziyesa wokha, Adler adalemba, pa "hyperdramatization" - Arndt, malingaliro a wothandizila Stamp (1967) onena za "kuphunzitsidwa" ndi wazamisala waku Austria Viktor Frankl (1975) za "cholinga chododometsa" amadziwika.

7. Ndipo potsiriza, popeza zokopa za amuna kapena akazi okhaokha zimayambira pa kudzikonda kapena "egophilia" ya umunthu wosakhwima (mawuwa adayambitsidwa ndi Murray, 1953), kudzipangira / chithandizo kumayang'ana pakupeza mikhalidwe yapadziko lonse lapansi komanso yamakhalidwe yomwe imachotsa izi kutha kukonda ena.

Kutheka

Zachidziwikire, anthu ambiri amakhulupirirabe kuti kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, ndiye kuti, kukopeka ndi amuna kapena akazi anzawo, kuphatikiza kufowoka kwakukopa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, ndizachilendo. Ndikunena kuti "akadali" chifukwa posachedwapa takhala tikukumana ndi mabodza okhudzana ndi "chizolowezi" kuchokera kuzinthu zopanda nzeru komanso zandale zandale komanso magulu azamalamulo omwe amalamulira atolankhani, ndale komanso gawo lalikulu lamaphunziro. Mosiyana ndi anthu wamba, ambiri mwa anthu wamba sanathenso kuzindikira, ngakhale amakakamizidwa kuvomereza njira zomwe anthu ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amamasulidwa amakhala ndi malingaliro awo a "ufulu wofanana". Anthu wamba sangathe kuwona kuti china chake chalakwika ndi anthu omwe, pokhala amuna ndi akazi, samakopeka ndi zinthu zachilengedwe zachiwerewere. Kwa funso losokoneza la ambiri, zingatheke bwanji kuti "anthu ophunzira" atha kukhulupirira kuti kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha sikwachilendo, mwina yankho labwino lingakhale lonena za George Orwell kuti pali zinthu padziko lapansi "zopusa kwambiri kotero kuti ophunzira okhawo akhoza kukhulupirira mmenemo. " Chodabwitsa ichi sichatsopano: asayansi ambiri odziwika ku Germany mzaka za m'ma 30 adayamba "kukhulupirira" malingaliro "olondola" atsankho. Chibadwa cha ziweto, kufooka, komanso kufunitsitsa "kukhala nawo" zimawapangitsa kudzipereka kuweruza pawokha.

Ngati munthu ali ndi njala, koma pamlingo wamanjenje amakana chakudya, timati amadwala matenda - anorexia. Ngati wina samvera chisoni anthu omwe akuvutika, kapena, kuposa pamenepo, amasangalala nawo, koma nthawi yomweyo amakhala wokonda kuwona mwana wamphongo yemwe wasiyidwa, timazindikira kuti matenda amisala, psychopathy. Ndi zina zotero. Komabe, munthu wamkulu akakopeka ndi amuna kapena akazi anzawo, ndipo nthawi yomweyo amafufuza mosamala amuna kapena akazi anzawo, kuphwanya chilakolako chogonana kumawerengedwa kuti ndi "kwabwino." Mwinamwake ndiye chiwerewere ndi chachilendo, monga omvera ake amalengeza kale? Ndi chiwonetsero? Gerontophilia (kukopa okalamba pakakhala kuti amuna kapena akazi okhaokha alibe), fetishism (kukondweretsedwa pogonana ndikuwona nsapato ya mkazi osalabadira thupi lachikazi), voyeurism? Ndisiyira pambali zachilendo koma mwamwayi zosintha zochepa.

Amuna okhaokha ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amayesa kukankhira pamalingaliro azikhalidwe zawo podzinyenga ngati akusalidwa, kupempha chifundo, chilungamo komanso chibadwa choteteza ofooka, m'malo mokopa pogwiritsa ntchito umboni womveka. Izi zikuwonetsa kuti akudziwa kufooka kwa malingaliro awo, ndipo amayesetsa kulipirira izi ndi kulalikira kwachangu. Kukambirana moona mtima ndi anthu amtunduwu ndizosatheka, chifukwa amakana kuwerengera ndi malingaliro aliwonse omwe sagwirizana ndi malingaliro awo abwinobwino. Komabe, kodi iwonso amakhulupirira izi m'mitima mwawo?

"Omenyera" otere amatha kuchita bwino kupha anzawo - mwachitsanzo, amayi awo nthawi zambiri amakhulupirira izi. Mutauni ina ku Germany, ndinawona gulu la makolo ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha atagwirizana kuteteza "ufulu" wa ana awo. Sanachitire nkhanza pamaganizidwe awo opanda pake kuposa ana awo. Amayi ena amachita ngati kuti wina akusokoneza moyo wa mwana wawo wokondedwa, pomwe zimangokhala kuzindikira kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ngati dziko lamanjenje.

Udindo wa njira zazifupi

Pamene munthu adzizindikiritsa yekha ngati woimira mtundu wapadera waumunthu ("Ndine wogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha," "Ndine gay," "Ndine amuna kapena akazi okhaokha"), amalowa m'njira yoopsa kuchokera kumaganizo - ngati kuti kwenikweni osiyana ndi amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Inde, pambuyo pa zaka zolimbana ndi nkhaŵa, izi zingabweretse mpumulo, koma panthaŵi imodzimodziyo ndi njira yopita ku chigonjetso. Munthu amene amadzitcha kuti ndi amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amatenga udindo wakunja kotheratu. Uwu ndi udindo wa ngwazi yomvetsa chisoni. Kudzipenda kotheratu ndi kowona kungakhale kosiyana ndendende: "Ndili ndi malingaliro ndi zikhumbo izi, koma ndimakana kuvomereza kuti ndine "gay" ndikuchita moyenera.

Zachidziwikire, udindo umalipira phindu: zimathandiza kumverera ngati wekha pakati pa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, kumathetsa kwakanthawi mavuto omwe amabwera chifukwa chokana kukopeka ndi amuna kapena akazi anzawo, kumakhutiritsa mtima ndikumverera ngati ngwazi yapadera, yosamvetsetseka yamavuto (ngakhale atakhala atakomoka bwanji), - ndipo, zachidziwikire, zimabweretsa chisangalalo kuchokera kumaulendo azakugonana. Munthu wina yemwe kale anali amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, pokumbukira kuti anapeza chikhalidwe cha akazi okhaokha, anati: “Zinali ngati ndabwera kunyumba. Ndidapeza anzanga gulu (kumbukirani sewero laubwana la amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kumverera ngati mlendo). Ndikayang'ana m'mbuyo, ndimawona kuti tinali omvetsa chisoni - gulu la anthu omwe sanazolowere moyo, omwe pamapeto pake adapeza gawo lawo mmoyo uno "(Howard 1991, 117).

Komabe, ndalamayo ili ndi vuto. Munjira iyi, musakhale ndi chisangalalo chenicheni, kapena mtendere wamkati. Kuda nkhawa komanso kumva kuti ndiwe wopanda vuto mkati kumangokulira. Ndipo bwanji za kuitana chikumbumtima koopsa? Ndipo zonse chifukwa choti munthu adadzidziwikitsa kuti ndi "Ine" wabodza, ndikulowa mu "moyo wamtunduwu". Maloto okokomeza pakapita nthawi amasanduka chinyengo chamunthu: "kukhala amuna kapena akazi okhaokha" kumatanthauza kukhala moyo wabodza, osadziwika kuti ndiwe weniweni.

Mabodza abambo ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amalimbikitsa anthu kuti adzifotokozere okha za kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, akumanena kuti anthu ndi "olungama" amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Komabe, zokonda za amuna kapena akazi okhaokha sizimakhala zokhazikika komanso zosasinthika (ngati sizingachitike). Nthawi za kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha zimayendera limodzi ndi nthawi yambiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Zachidziwikire, achinyamata ambiri ndi achinyamata omwe sanachite nawo “fano la amuna kapena akazi okhaokha,” adadzipulumutsa mwanjira imeneyi kuti apangitse kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Komabe, kudziwika ndi dzina kumalimbikitsa kulakalaka kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, makamaka pachiyambipo, pamene munthu afunikira kukulitsa gawo lomwe amachita. Tiyenera kumvetsetsa kuti pafupifupi theka la abambo ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amatha kuonedwa kuti ndi amisala, ndipo mwa amuna omwe amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndiwokwera kwambiri.

2. Zomwe zimayambitsa kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha

Kodi kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kumagwirizana ndi majini komanso kapangidwe kapadera ka ubongo?

Mawu oti "mahomoni" sanaphatikizidwe pamutu wa ndimeyi, chifukwa zoyesayesa zakusaka mahomoni ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha zasiya (sanapeze chilichonse - kupatula kuti wofufuza waku East Germany Dorner adapeza kulumikizana ndi makoswe, koma izi sizikugwirizana kwenikweni ndi kugonana kwaumunthu, ndipo zowonadi kuyesera komwe sikunali kokwanira powerengera). Zikuwoneka kuti palibe chifukwa chopitilira kuchirikiza chiphunzitso cha mahomoni.

Komabe, tiyenera kudziwa kuti ochirikiza kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha akhala akuyesera kwa zaka zambiri kuti agwiritse ntchito nthawi iliyonse kuti atsimikizire lingaliro la mahomoni, ngakhale lingakhale losamveka. Adayesa kunena kuti "sayansi idatsimikiza" chikhalidwe cha amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, ndipo iwo amene samatsutsana ndi izi amati amadalira malingaliro abodza.

Masiku ano, zochepa zasintha pankhaniyi; mwina zopezeka zofunsa kwambiri muubongo wa ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, kapena malingaliro okhudzana ndi jini, tsopano ndi "umboni wa sayansi".

Koma ngati chinthu china chachilengedwe chikupezeka chomwe chikugwirizana mwachindunji ndi kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, ndiye kuti sichingakhale mkangano m'malo mokomera izi. Kupatula apo, zina mwachilengedwe sizoyenera kuchititsa kuti amuna kapena akazi okhaokha azigonana; itha kukhala chimodzimodzi zotsatira zake. Komabe, kupezeka kwa chinthu chotere ndikotheka kuchokera kuzinthu zongopeka kuposa zowona. Lero zikuwonekeratu kuti zifukwa pano sizokhudzana ndi physiology kapena biology.

Posachedwa, kafukufuku awiri adasindikizidwa omwe amafotokoza za kukhalapo kwa "chibadwa chabadwa". Hamer et al. (1993) adayang'ana zitsanzo za amuna ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha omwe anali ndi abale ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Adapeza mu 2 / 3 za iwo zofanana ndi gawo laling'ono la X chromosome (yotengera kwa amayi).

Kodi izi zimapezeka kuti ndi amuna kapena akazi okhaokha? Palibe njira! Malinga ndi malingaliro ambiri a akatswiri obadwa nawo m'mbuyomu, kulemberana majini asanakukhazikitsidwe, kubwereza-bwereza kwa zotsatirazi kumafunikira. "Kudziwika" kofananako kwa gene kwa schizophrenia, menic-depression psychosis, uchidakwa komanso ngakhale umbanda (!) Mwamtendere komanso mwamtendere zinazimiririka chifukwa chosowa umboni wotsatira.

Kuphatikiza apo, kuphunzira kwa Hamer sikuyimira: kumakhudza gawo laling'ono la amuna ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, omwe abale awo analinso ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha (osapitilira 10% mwa onse ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha), ndipo sanatsimikizidwe kwathunthu, koma mu 2/3, mwachitsanzo, osatinso kuposa 6% mwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. "Osatinso", chifukwa amuna okhaokha ogonana amuna okhaokha omwe anali ndi abale ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndiomwe adayimiridwa mgululi (popeza limangotoleredwa kudzera pazotsatsa zomwe zimafalitsa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha).

Kafukufukuyu atatsimikiziridwa, sizingatsimikizire zokha zomwe zimapangitsa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kuti akhale ogonana. Kufufuza mosamalitsa kumavumbula kuti jini imatha kukopa mikhalidwe iliyonse, mwachitsanzo, mikhalidwe yofananira ndi mayi, chikhalidwe, kapena, mwachitsanzo, chizolowezi chodandaula, ndi zina zambiri. Titha kuganiza kuti amayi kapena abambo ena adalera ana amuna oterewa m'malo ocheperako amuna, kapena kuti anyamata omwe ali ndi jini yotere amatha kusokonekera pagulu la amuna kapena akazi anzawo (mwachitsanzo, jini limalumikizidwa ndi mantha). Chifukwa chake, jini lomwelo silingakhale lodziwikiratu. Sizingatheke kuti izi zitha kuphatikizidwa ndi chiwerewere, chifukwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha (kapena ochepa mwa iwo omwe ali ndi jini ili) adzakhala ndi mahomoni komanso / kapena ubongo - zomwe sizinapezeke.

William Byne (1994) akubutsa funso lina losangalatsa. Kufanana pakati pa anyamata ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndi amayi awo motsatira momwe ma X chromosome amaphunzirira, akutero, sikukutanthauza mtundu womwewo womwe uli wofanana ndi amuna onsewa, popeza sizinawululidwe kuti zomwezo zimachitika nthawi zonse ndondomeko ya maselo. (Abale awiri anali ndi diso lofanana ndi la amayi awo; wina anali ndi mphuno zawo, ndi zina zambiri)

Chifukwa chake, kukhalapo kwa geni logonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kumachitika pazifukwa ziwiri: 1) m'mabanja a ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, cholowa cha makolo a Mendel sichinapezeke; 2) zotsatira zakuwunika kwa mapasawo ndizogwirizana kwambiri ndi chiphunzitso chakunja kuposa momwe tafotokozera zamtundu.

Tiyeni tifotokoze chachiwiri. Zinthu zochititsa chidwi zinawululidwa apa. Kubwerera ku 1952, Kallmann adatinso, malinga ndi kafukufuku wake, 100% yamapasa ofanana, m'modzi mwa iwo anali amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, anali ndi mapasa ake mchimwene wake yemwe amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. M'mapasa abale, 11% yokha ya abale anali onse ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Koma, monga zinadzachitikira pambuyo pake, kafukufuku wa Kallmann adakhala wosakondera komanso wosayimira, ndipo posakhalitsa zidadziwika kuti pali amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ambiri pakati pa mapasa ofanana. Mwachitsanzo, Bailey ndi Pillard (1991) adapeza mwangozi amuna kapena akazi okhaokha mu 52% yokha yamapasa amphongo ofanana ndi 22% yamapasa achibale, pomwe abale ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amapezeka 9% ya amuna kapena akazi okhaokha osakhala mapasa, ndipo 11% anali ndi abale omulera okhaokha! Pachifukwa ichi, choyambirira, zomwe zimakhudzana ndi kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha zitha kukhala zokha pakati pa milanduyo, chifukwa chake sichomwe chimayambitsa izi. Chachiwiri: kusiyana pakati pa mapasa achibale, mbali imodzi, ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndi abale awo (kuphatikiza omwe adalandira), mbali inayo (22%, 9% ndi 11%, motsatana), akuwonetsa zifukwa zosakhala zamtundu, popeza mapasa amtundu wawo amasiyana kwambiri monga abale ena onse. Chifukwa chake, mafotokozedwe a ubale womwe udawonedwayo sayenera kufunidwa mu genetics, koma pama psychology.

Pali zotsutsa zina, mwachitsanzo, kafukufuku wina akuwonetsa machesi ocheperako ogonana amuna amapasa ofanana, ndipo zitsanzo zambiri zamaphunziro sizoyimira amuna kapena akazi okhaokha.

Koma tibwerere ku kuphunzira kwa a Hamer's: ndikadali koyamba kuti tipeze mayankho aliwonse okhudzana ndi kupezeka kwa chibadwa, chifukwa, mwa zinthu zina, sitikudziwa ngati "jini" wabodzayu adzakhalapo mwa abale osagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha komanso anthu osakwatirana. Woyipa kwambiri phunziroli adanenedwa ndi Rish, yemwe adafufuza njira ya Hamer sampling. Malinga ndi Rish, zotsatila za Hamer sizinapereke ufulu wofotokozera zomwe Hamer (Rish et al. 1993) adalemba.

Ngakhale a Hamer mwiniwake adafotokoza kuti kafukufuku wake "akuwonetsa" chibadwa, komabe akuti "ndizoyambitsa zakunja" kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha (Hamer et al. 1993). Vuto ndiloti "zolingalira" zoterezi zimalengezedwa ngati zatsimikiziridwa.

Mu 1991, wofufuzira wina, LeVey, adanena mu magazini ya Science kuti malo apakati a ubongo (anterior hypothalamus) azigonana angapo a AIDS anali ochepa poyerekeza ndi likulu la gawo lomwelo la omwe adamwalira ndi matenda omwewo. M'mayiko asayansi, malingaliro onena za kukhazikika kwa kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha adayamba kufalitsidwa.

Koma sikulakwa kuganiza izi: amuna ambiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha komanso oimira gulu lolamulira ali ndi kukula kofanana kwa malowa, chifukwa chake izi sizomwe zimayambitsa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha.

Komanso, lingaliro la LeVey kuti gawo ili laubongo lomwe limayambitsa kugonana latsimikizika; adatsutsidwa chifukwa cha njira yake yoyesera opaleshoni (Byne and Parsons, 1993).

Komanso. LeVey adatsutsa ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha chifukwa chamatenda ambiri muubongo wawo: Edzi imadziwika kuti isinthe mawonekedwe am'magazi ndi kapangidwe ka DNA. Pakadali pano, Byne ndi Parsons, powunika mosamala za kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha komanso zinthu "zobadwa nazo", adazindikira kuti mbiri zamankhwala za amuna kapena akazi okhaokha omwe ali ndi Edzi amasiyana ndi omwe amayamba kugwiritsa ntchito mankhwala osokoneza bongo, omwe, pafupifupi, amafa msanga kuposa achiwerewere omwe ali ndi kachilomboka ndipo atha kuchiritsidwa matenda ena. - kotero kuti kusiyana kwa kukula kwa dera lino laubongo kumatha kuphatikizidwa ndi mankhwala osiyanasiyana m'magulu oyesera ndikuwongolera. (Popeza kuti kachilombo ka HIV kamasintha kapangidwe ka DNA, mwa njira, zikutsatiranso kuti mu kafukufuku wa Hamer njira ina yotheka ndiyotheka, yolumikiza mawonekedwe amtundu chabe ndi ntchito ya kachilomboka).

Koma tiyerekeze kuti mbali zina za ubongo wa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha pamakhala zachilendo zina. Kodi tiyenera kuganiza kuti muubongo wa ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha mulinso malo "awo"? Nanga bwanji za ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, omenyera ufulu wawo komanso ochita zachiwerewere mosiyanasiyana, ochita zionetsero, ma voyeurs, ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha komanso ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, amuna opyola zibwenzi, ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, zofalitsa nyama, ndi zina zambiri?

Kulephera kwa malingaliro akuti chibadwidwe chazomwe chimayambira pazogonana kumatsimikiziridwa ndi kafukufuku wamakhalidwe. Mwachitsanzo, zimadziwika kuti, ngakhale mwa anthu omwe ali ndi ma chromosome olakwika, malingaliro awo ogonana amatengera gawo lomwe adaleredwa. Ndipo kodi zingatheke bwanji kuti kusinthidwanso kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, komwe kumatsimikiziridwa mobwerezabwereza mu psychotherapy, kumagwirizana ndi chiphunzitso chabadwa?

Sitingatanthauze kuthekera kwakuti magawo ena aubongo amasinthidwa chifukwa cha machitidwe. Bwanji, ndiye, LeVey, yemwe poyamba ananena molondola kuti zotsatira zake "sizimalola kuti pakhale mfundo zomveka," kwina m'nkhani yake akulembanso kuti "amatenga" maziko achitetezo ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha (ndipo mwachilengedwe, "lingaliro ili" lidatengedwa mwachangu ndi atolankhani omwe amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha )? Chowonadi ndichakuti LeVey ndimagonana otseguka. Njira ya "otetezera" awa ndikupanga lingaliro kuti "pali zifukwa zachilengedwe, pokhapokha sitinazikhazikitse ndendende - koma pali zizindikilo zosangalatsa / zolonjeza kale". Njirayi imathandizira malingaliro azakugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Zimasewera m'manja mwa anthu omwe amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, chifukwa ngati andale komanso opanga malamulo akukhulupirira kuti sayansi ili panjira yotsimikizira kuti amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndi achibale, izi zitha kusamutsidwa kupita kumalo ovomerezeka kuti apeze ufulu wapadera wa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Magazini ya Science, monga zolemba zina zokomera amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, imakonda kuchirikiza malingaliro azikhalidwe zomwe amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amachita. Izi zitha kumveka momwe mkonzi amafotokozera lipoti la Hamer: "mwachidziwikire cholinga." "Zachidziwikire, padakali njira yayitali kuti mupeze umboni wathunthu, koma ..." Mawu wamba omwe amalimbikitsa malingaliro awa. Pothirira ndemanga pa zomwe Hamer adalemba m'kalata yake, katswiri wodziwika bwino wazachifalansa ku France Professor Lejeune (1993) ananena mosapita m'mbali kuti "ngati kafukufukuyu sakukhudza amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, sangavomerezedwe kuti adzafalitsidwe chifukwa cha njira zotsutsana kwambiri komanso kusalingalira bwino."

Ndizomvetsa chisoni kuti ndi owerengeka ochepa okha omwe amadziwa za mbiri ya "zofukulidwa" zachilengedwe zosiyanasiyana pankhani yophunzira za amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Zomwe zinachitika a Steinach "atatulukira", zomwe nkhondo yachiwiri yapadziko lonse isanayambike adakhulupirira kuti adatha kuwonetsa kusintha kwina kwa amuna omwe amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, ndi zosaiwalika. Panthawiyo, ambiri adakhazikitsa malingaliro awo pazifukwa zachilengedwe zomwe zafotokozedwa m'mabuku ake. Patangopita zaka zambiri, zinaonekeratu kuti zotsatira zake sizotsimikizika.

Ndipo pamapeto pake, zaposachedwa pa kafukufuku wa Hamer. Magazini yotchedwa Science American Magazine (Novembala 1995, p. 26) imapereka lipoti pa kafukufuku wokwanitsidwa ndi J. Ebers, yemwe sanathe kupeza mgwirizano uliwonse pakati pa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndi kusaina majini a chromosome.

Ndizomvetsa chisoni kuti zofalitsa zofulumira, monga zomwe tafotokozazi, sizimangoyendetsa malingaliro a anthu, komanso zimasokoneza anthu omwe akufuna chowonadi ndipo safuna kutsata zofuna zawo. Chifukwa chake, sitigonjera chinyengo.

Kodi kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha “kudakonzedweratu” m'zaka zoyambirira za moyo, ndipo kodi sichinthu chosasintha?

Kuchita zachiwerewere kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha nthawi zambiri kumayambira paunyamata ndipo sikugwirizana kwenikweni ndiubwana. Pazaka izi, kukondweretsedwa kwamalingaliro a amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kumachitika. Komabe, sikulakwa kunena kuti kudziwika kogonana kwakhazikitsidwa kale adakali ana, monga omwe amalimbikitsa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, nthawi zambiri amati. Chiphunzitsochi chimagwiritsidwa ntchito kutsimikizira lingaliro lomwe limaperekedwa kwa ana m'makalasi ophunzitsira zakugonana: "Mwina alipo ena mwa inu, ndipo mwachilengedwe, chifukwa chake khalani mogwirizana ndi izi!" Kuphatikiza koyambirira kwakugonana ndi imodzi mwazinthu zomwe amakonda kwambiri m'malingaliro akale amisala, omwe amati pofika zaka zitatu kapena zinayi, zikhalidwe zoyambirira zimapangidwa, ndipo kwanthawi zonse.

Kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, pakumva izi, aganiza kuti zokonda zake zidapangidwa ali wakhanda, chifukwa amayi ake amafuna mtsikana - chifukwa chake iye, mnyamata, adamukana. Kuphatikiza pa malingaliro abodza (malingaliro a khanda ndi achikale, sangathe kuzindikira kuti amamukana chifukwa cha jenda), chiphunzitsochi chimamveka ngati chigamulo chotsimikizika komanso chimalimbikitsa kudziyerekeza.

Ngati tidalira zikumbukiro za munthu mwiniyo, ndiye kuti titha kuwona kuti ma neurotization amachitika nthawi yakutha.

Komabe, mu malingaliro a chitukuko choyambirira, pali chowonadi china. Mwachitsanzo, zikuoneka kuti mayiyo adakhala ndi maloto a mwana wake wamkazi ndikulera mwana wawo momwemo. Khalidwe ndi machitidwe zimapangidwa zenizeni mzaka zoyambirira za moyo, zomwe sizinganenedwe zokhudzana ndi kukhazikitsidwa kwa zizolowezi zogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, kapena zokhudzana ndi kukhazikitsidwa kwa zovuta zapadera zamagulu achimuna zomwe zimachokera.

Mfundo yoti zokonda kugonana sizinakhazikitsidwe mpaka kalekale zitha kufotokozedwa ndi zomwe anapeza a Gundlach ndi Riesz (1967): Mukamaphunzira gulu lalikulu la atsikana omwe amakulira m'mabanja akuluakulu a ana asanu kapena kupitilira apo, zidapezeka kuti azimayi awa nthawi zambiri amakhala ana aang'ono m’banja. Izi zikusonyeza kuti kutengera kwa zomwe zimachitika pakubadwa kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha sizichitika kale, ndikuti, zaka zisanu mpaka zisanu ndi ziwiri, ndipo mwina pambuyo pake, chifukwa ndi pamsika uwu pomwe mwana woyamba kubadwa ali pamalo pomwe mwayi wake wokhala wochita zachiwerewere umawonjezereka (ngati ali ndi zochepa abale asanu ndi alongo), kapena kuchepa (ngati abale ndi alongo achichepere kapena asanu abadwa). Momwemonso, kafukufuku wa amuna omwe mabanja awo anali ndi abale ndi alongo opitilira anayi adawonetsa kuti, monga lamulo, ana ochepera kwambiri amakhala amuna ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha (Van Lennep et al. 1954).

Kuphatikiza apo, pakati pa anyamata achikazi (ambiri omwe ali pachiwopsezo chokhala amuna kapena akazi okhaokha chifukwa chakuyembekezereka kwawo kuti apange zovuta zokhala amuna), oposa 30 peresenti sanakhale ndi malingaliro ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha (Green 1985), pomwe 20 peresenti inasinthasintha pakugonana kwawo zomwe amakonda pazomwezi zachitukuko (Green 1987). Amuna ambiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha (osati onse, panjira), amawona zibwenzi zamtsogolo zogonana ali ana (kuvala zovala za atsikana kapena masewera ndi zochitika zina zokhudzana ndi amuna kapena akazi anzawo). Komabe, izi sizitanthauza konse kuti zizindikirazi zimakonzekereratu zamtsogolo zogonana. Amangowonetsa zowopsa, koma osatsutsika.

Zokhudzana ndi zamaubongo

Ngati wofufuza wopanda tsankho osadziwa komwe chiyambi cha kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ayenera kuphunzira za nkhaniyi, pamapeto pake adzafika pozindikira kuti ndikofunikira kulingalira zomwe zimakhudza ubwana - pali chidziwitso chokwanira cha izi. Komabe, chifukwa cha chikhulupiriro chofala chakuti kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndi chibadwidwe, ambiri amakayikira ngati kuphunzira za kukula kwa psyche paubwana kungathandize kumvetsetsa kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Kodi ndizothekadi kuti munthu abadwe wamba koma nthawi yomweyo kukula kukhala wachikazi? Ndipo kodi amuna kapena akazi okhaokha sawona zokhumba zawo ngati mtundu wabwinobwino, monga chisonyezero cha "iwo enieni"? Kodi samawona ngati chibadwa kuganiza kuti atha kumangogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha?

Koma mawonekedwe akusocheretsa. Choyambirira, munthu wachikazi samatanthauza kuti amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Kuphatikiza apo, ukazi ndimakhalidwe omwe amapezeka kudzera pakuphunzira. Nthawi zambiri sitizindikira momwe machitidwe, zokonda ndi malingaliro athu angaphunzirire. Izi zimachitika makamaka potengera. Titha kuzindikira chiyambi cha wolowererayo ndi nyimbo yake, katchulidwe kake, ndi manja ake ndi mayendedwe ake. Muthanso kusiyanitsa mosavuta anthu am'banja lomwelo mwanjira zawo, machitidwe awo, nthabwala zawo zapadera, - m'njira zambiri zomwe sizodziwika bwino. Ponena za ukazi, titha kuzindikira kuti anyamata akumayiko akumwera kwa Europe amakulira gawo lochepetsetsa, wina akhoza kunena, "achikazi" kwambiri kuposa akumpoto. Achinyamata aku Nordic amakhumudwa akaona achinyamata aku Spain kapena aku Italiya akupesa tsitsi lawo mosamala mu dziwe losambira, akuyang'ana pagalasi kwa nthawi yayitali, atavala mikanda, ndi zina zotero. Mofananamo, ana a ogwira ntchito amakhala olimba komanso olimba, "olimba mtima" kuposa ana a anthu aukatswiri, oimba, kapena olemekezeka, monga kale. Otsatirawa ndi chitsanzo cha kusuntha, werengani "ukazi".

Kodi mwana adzakula molimba mtima, kuleredwa wopanda bambo ndi mayi ake omwe amamuchitira ngati "bwenzi" lake? Kusanthula kumawonetsa kuti amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ogonana adadalira kwambiri amayi pomwe abambo adalibe kapena kutayika kwamaganizidwe (mwachitsanzo, ngati bambo ndi munthu wofooka motsogozedwa ndi mkazi wake, kapena ngati sanakwaniritse udindo wake ngati bambo muubwenzi wake ndi mwana wake wamwamuna).

Chithunzi cha mayi wowononga umuna wamwamuna wake ndichambiri. Awa ndi mayi wosamala kwambiri komanso woteteza mopitirira muyeso yemwe ali ndi nkhawa kwambiri ndi thanzi la mwana wake. Ameneyo ndi mayi wamkulu, yemwe adapereka udindo wa kapolo kapena bwenzi lapamtima pa mwana wake wamwamuna. Mayi wachikondi kapena wodziwonetsa yekha yemwe mosazindikira amadziwa mwa mwana wake wamwamuna mwana wamkazi yemwe angafune (mwachitsanzo, mwana wamkazi wamwamuna yemwe wamwalira asanabadwe). Mkazi yemwe adakhala mayi atakula, chifukwa samatha kukhala ndi ana akadali wamng'ono. Agogo aamuna omwe akulera mwana wamwamuna yemwe mayi ake adamusiyira, ndipo ali ndi chidaliro kuti akufuna chitetezo. Mayi wachinyamata yemwe amatenga mwana wake kwambiri ngati chidole kuposa mwana wamoyo. Mayi wolera yemwe amatenga mwana wake wamwamuna ngati mwana wopanda thandizo komanso wachikondi. Ndi zina zotero. Monga lamulo, muubwana wa akazi ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, zinthu ngati izi zimatha kupezeka mosavuta, chifukwa chake palibe chifukwa chobwererera kubanja kuti mufotokozere zachikazi.

Modzi mwa akazi omwe amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, omwe amapita ndi amayi ake mu ziweto, pomwe mchimwene wake anali "mwana wamwamuna wa bambo", adandiuza kuti amayi anga nthawi zonse amamupatsa udindo woti "wantchito" wake, mnyamata wamasamba. Amalemba tsitsi lake, amathandizira kusankha diresi m'sitolo, ndi zina zambiri. Popeza dziko la amuna linali lotseka kapena lochepa chifukwa chosowa chidwi cha abambo ake, dziko la amayi ake ndi azakhali ake lidakhala dziko lake lachizolowezi. Ichi ndichifukwa chake chibadwa chake chotsanzira chimalunjikitsidwa kwa azimayi achikulire. Mwachitsanzo, adapeza kuti amatha kuwatsanzira pakupeta nsalu, zomwe zimawasangalatsa.

Monga lamulo, malingaliro okopa a mwana atakwanitsa zaka zitatu mosadzipita amapita ku zitsanzo zachimuna: abambo, abale, amalume, aphunzitsi, ndipo atatha msinkhu, amadzisankhira ngwazi zatsopano kuchokera kudziko la amuna. Atsikana, izi, zimadziwika ndi akazi. Ngati tizingolankhula zamtundu wamkati womwe umagwirizana ndi kugonana, ndiye kuti malingaliro abwinowa ali oyenera kuchitapo kanthu. Ngakhale zili choncho, anyamata ena amatsata oimira anzawo, ndipo izi zimachitika chifukwa cha zinthu ziwiri: amakakamizidwa kukhala amuna kapena akazi, ndipo samakopeka kutsanzira abambo, abale ndi amuna ena. Kusokonekera kwa chitsogozo chachilengedwe chazomwe zimayendera poyambira chimachitika chifukwa choti oyimira amuna kapena amuna ndi akazi sawoneka bwino mokwanira, pomwe kutsanzira amuna kapena akazi anzanu kumabweretsa zabwino zina.

Pankhani yomwe yafotokozedwayi, mnyamatayo adakhala wokondwa komanso wotetezedwa chifukwa cha chidwi cha amayi ake ndi azakhali ake - popeza kulibe, monga momwe zimawonekera kwa iye, mwayi wolowa mdziko la mchimwene wake ndi abambo ake. Makhalidwe a "mwana wamayi" adakula mwa iye; adayamba kuchita zachiwerewere, kuyesera kusangalatsa aliyense, makamaka akazi achikulire; monga amayi ake, adayamba kukhala wachifundo, wosatetezeka komanso wokwiya, nthawi zambiri amalira, ndikukumbutsa azakhali ake momwe amalankhulira.

Ndikofunikira kudziwa kuti ukazi wa amuna oterowo umafanana ndi "wokalamba"; ndipo ngakhale udindowu udazika mizu, umangokhala wachikazi. Takungoyang'ana osati pothawa machitidwe achimuna poopa kulephera, komanso ndi mawonekedwe osakira osafunikira, chisangalalo cha amayi ofunika akufotokozera. Izi zimatchulidwa kwambiri mu transgender anthu komanso abambo omwe amasewera akazi.

Zoipa ndi machitidwe

Palibe kukayikira kuti gawo la zoopsa limagwira gawo lalikulu pakukhazikitsa kwa kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha (makamaka pokhudzana ndikusinthana ndi mamembala omwe si amuna kapena akazi anzanu, onani m'munsimu). "Tsamba" lomwe ndidangolankhulali, adakumbukira ludzu lake la chisamaliro cha abambo ake, omwe, mu lingaliro lake, adalandiridwa ndi m'bale m'modzi yekha. Koma zizolowezi zake ndi zomwe amakonda zomwe sangafotokozere zokhazokha zothawa m'dziko la anthu. Nthawi zambiri timaona kuyanjana kwa zinthu ziwiri: kupangika kwa chizolowezi cholakwika ndi kuvuta mtima (kumverera kwakuti kulephera kukhalapo kwa oyimilira amuna kapena akazi padziko lapansi). M'pofunika kutsindika chinthu ichi, kuphatikiza pa chinthu chokhumudwitsa, chifukwa chithandizo chamankhwala chofunikira sichofunikira kungowongolera zovuta za kuvulala, komanso kusintha zizolowezi zomwe sizili zikhalidwe za jenda. Kuphatikiza apo, kuganizira kwambiri za kuvutika mtima kumatha kukulitsa chizolowezi chomenya munthu yemwe si amuna kapena akazi anzanu, ndipo chifukwa cha ichi, iye adzadzudzula kholo lokhalo lachigololo chake. Koma, mwachitsanzo, palibe bambo m'modzi yemwe ali ndi “cholakwa” chosasamalira mwana wake. Nthawi zambiri abambo ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amadandaula kuti akazi awo ndi eni ake olemekeza ana awo kotero kuti alibe malo. Inde, makolo ambiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amakhala ndi mavuto muukwati.

Ponena zamakhalidwe achikazi a amuna ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha komanso chikhalidwe chachimuna cha azimayi ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, kafukufuku wazachipatala akuwonetsa kuti ambiri mwa iwo adakulira pamaudindo omwe ndi osiyana ndi ana ena amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Zowona kuti pambuyo pake amayamba kutsatira ntchitoyi nthawi zambiri zimakhala zotsatila zakusavomerezeka ndi kholo la amuna kapena akazi anzawo. Chikhalidwe chofala cha ambiri (koma osati onse!) Amayi achimuna achimuna ndikuti samawona ana awo aamuna ngati "amuna enieni" - ndipo sawachitira motero. Mofananamo, abambo ena achiwerewere, ngakhale pang'ono, samawona ana awo aakazi ngati "atsikana enieni" ndipo sawatenga monga choncho, koma monga mnzawo wapamtima kapena ngati mwana wawo wamwamuna.

Tiyenera kudziwa kuti gawo la kholo la amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndilofunikanso kuposa la kholo la amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Amuna ambiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, mwachitsanzo, amakhala ndi amayi oteteza kwambiri, kuda nkhawa, kuda nkhawa, amayi opambana, kapena amayi omwe amawakonda ndikuwasangalatsa kwambiri. Mwana wake wamwamuna ndi "mwana wabwino," "womvera," "wamakhalidwe abwino," ndipo nthawi zambiri mnyamata yemwe amalephera kukula m'maganizo ndikukhalabe "mwana" kwanthawi yayitali. M'tsogolomu, mwamuna kapena mkazi woteroyo amakhalabe "mwana wamayi." Koma amayi opambana, omwe amawona mwa mwana wawo wamwamuna "mwamuna weniweni" ndipo akufuna kupanga mwamuna kuchokera mwa iye, sadzalera "mwana wamamayi." Zomwezo zimagwiranso ntchito paubwenzi wapakati pa bambo ndi mwana wamkazi. Mayi wamkulu (woteteza mopitilira muyeso, wodandaula, ndi zina zambiri), yemwe samadziwa kupanga mamuna mwa mwana, amathandizira kupotoza kwamalingaliro ake. Nthawi zambiri samangoganizira momwe angapangire mwana wamwamuna, popanda kukhala ndi chitsanzo chabwino m'banja lawo. Amayesetsa kuti amupange mwana wamakhalidwe abwino, kapena kuti amumange iye ngati ali wosungulumwa komanso wopanda chitetezo (monga mayi m'modzi yemwe adamutenga mwana wake mpaka zaka khumi ndi ziwiri).

Mwachidule, kafukufuku wokhudza kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha akuwonetsa kufunikira koonetsetsa kuti makolo ali ndi malingaliro abwino pa nkhani ya amuna ndi akazi. Nthawi zambiri, komabe, kuphatikiza kwa malingaliro kwa makolo onse awiri kumayambitsa gawo la chitukuko cha amuna kapena akazi okhaokha (van den Aardweg, 1984).

Mmodzi angafunse, kodi zikhalidwe zachikazi za abambo ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha komanso amuna ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndizofunikira kwambiri pakubwera kwa kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha? Nthawi zambiri, anyamata omwe amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amakhala amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Komanso, atsikana ambiri (koma si onse) omwe amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amakhala ndi zochuluka kapena zochepa zotchulidwa zachimuna. Komabe, ngakhale izi "zachikazi" kapena izi "masculinity" sizingatchulidwe kuti kufotokozera. Chinthucho, monga tionere pambuyo pake, ndikudziwona kwa mwana. Ngakhale muzochitika za chikazi zomwe zimapitilirabe mwa anyamata, zotchedwa "boy-boy syndrome," ana a 2 / 3 okha ndi omwe amakhala ndi malingaliro ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, ndipo ena amasulidwa ku ukazi wowoneka, kukhala akuluakulu (Green, 1985, 1987). Mwa njira, izi zimagwirizana ndi lingaliro lakuti nthawi zambiri kukhazikika kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kumachitika nthawi yomwe amakhala atatha msinkhu komanso mkati mwake, koma osati ali mwana.

Milandu yodabwitsika

Ngakhale kuti zochitika zaunyamata wamba kwa akazi ambiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha zinali chiyanjano choyipa ndi kholo la amuna kapena akazi anzawo, zomwe nthawi zambiri zimayendetsedwa ndi ubale wopanda mavuto ndi kholo la anyamata kapena atsikana (makamaka pakati pa amuna achimuna), izi sizingatchulidwe kuti chinthu chofala. Amuna ena ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha anali ndi ubale wabwino ndi makolo awo, amawona kuti amakondedwa ndi kuyamikiridwa; monga amisala ena anali ndi ubale wabwino ndi amayi awo (Howard, 1991, 83). Koma ngakhale maubwenzi opanda mkhalidwe oterewa atha kutenga nawo gawo pakukula kwa kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha.

Mwachitsanzo, mnyamata wogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, mwamakhalidwe pang'ono, adaleredwa ndi bambo wachikondi komanso womvetsetsa. Amakumbukira akuthamangira kunyumba atamaliza sukulu, komwe amadzimva wopanikizika ndipo samatha kuyankhulana ndi anzawo (chinthu chofunikira kwambiri!). "Kunyumba" kwa iye anali malo omwe sangakhale ndi amayi ake, monga momwe munthu angaganizire, koma ndi abambo ake, omwe amayenda nawo ziweto komanso omwe amadzimva kuti ndi otetezeka. Abambo ake sanali ofooka omwe tidawadziwa kale, omwe sanafune kuti "adziwonekere" - koma anali otsutsana nawo. Anali amayi ake omwe anali ofooka komanso amantha ndipo sanatenge mbali yayikulu ali mwana. Abambo ake anali olimba mtima komanso otsimikiza, ndipo amamulemekeza. Chofunikira kwambiri paubwenzi wawo chinali chakuti abambo ake adamupatsa udindo wa mtsikana komanso wachikazi, wosakhoza kudziteteza mdziko lino. Abambo ake amamulamulira mwaubwenzi, kotero anali ogwirizana kwambiri. Maganizo a bambo ake kwa iye adalenga mwa iye, kapena adathandizira kuti pakhale chilengedwe, cha malingaliro otere kwa iyemwini, momwe amadziona ngati wopanda chitetezo ndi wopanda chodzitetezera, komanso wopanda kulimba mtima komanso wamphamvu. Atakula, amapitabe kwa abwenzi a abambo ake kuti amuthandize. Komabe, zokonda zake zimayang'ana anyamata m'malo mokhala akulu, abambo, mitundu ya amuna.

Chitsanzo china. Wogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kwa zaka pafupifupi makumi anayi ndi zisanu sangathe kuyambitsa vuto muubwana wake ndi abambo ake. Abambo ake anali mnzake nthawi zonse, wophunzitsa masewera komanso chitsanzo chabwino cha amuna pa ntchito komanso pagulu. Nanga bwanji "sanadziwudziwike" ndi umuna wa abambo ake? Vuto lonse lili mwa mayi. Anali mkazi wonyada, osakhutira ndi mayanjano a amuna awo. Ophunzira kwambiri komanso amachokera ku gulu lachitetezo chamtundu wapamwamba kuposa iye (anali wogwira ntchito), nthawi zambiri amamuchititsa manyazi ndi mawu ake achipongwe ndi nthabwala zotukwana. Mwanayo anali kumangomvera chisoni bambo ake. Adadziwitsa za iye, koma osati ndi chikhalidwe chake, chifukwa amayi ake adamuphunzitsa kukhala wosiyana. Pokhala amakondedwa ndi amayi ake, adayenera kupanga zokhumudwitsa mwa amuna awo. Sizinalimbikitse machitidwe a amuna, kupatula omwe amathandizira kuti anthu azindikire. Amayenera kukhala woyengeka komanso wodziwika. Ngakhale anali ndiubwenzi wabwino ndi abambo ake, anali wamanyazi nthawi zonse chifukwa cha umuna wake. Ndikuganiza kuti kunyansidwa kwa amayi ndi abambo komanso kunyoza kwawo chifukwa cha udindo wa abambo ndi ulamuliro wawo ndiye chifukwa chachikulu chosapangitsa kunyada kwa wamwamuna.

Ubale wamtunduwu umawoneka ngati "woponyera" unyamata wamwamuna, ndipo titha kuvomereza izi - ndi lingaliro loti sizitanthauza chikhumbo chenicheni cha Freudian cha mayi chodula mbolo ya njoka yake kapena mwana wamwamuna. Momwemonso, bambo amene amanyoza mkazi wake pamaso pa ana amawononga ulemu wawo kwa mkaziyo. Kusalemekeza kwake kugonana kwa akazi kumatha kukhala chifukwa cha mwana wake wamkazi. Ndi malingaliro awo olakwika kwa amayi, abambo atha kuphunzitsa ana awo akazi kudziona ngati opanda pake komanso kukana ukazi wawo. Momwemonso, amayi, ndi malingaliro awo olakwika pantchito yamwamuna yamwamuna kapena kwa amuna wamba, atha kukwiyitsa mwa ana awo aamuna malingaliro olakwika achimuna.

Pali amuna okonda amuna kapena akazi okhaokha omwe, ali mwana, amamva chikondi cha abambo, koma adasowa chitetezo cha abambo. Bambo wina, atakumana ndi zovuta pamoyo wake, adapempha mwana wake kuti amuthandize, zomwe zimawoneka ngati cholemetsa, popeza amafunikira thandizo kuchokera kwa bambo wamphamvu. Makolo ndi ana amasintha malo pazochitika ngati izi, monga zimachitikira ndi akazi okhaokha omwe ali mwana adakakamizidwa kusewera amayi ngati amayi awo. Mu maubwenzi oterewa, mtsikanayo amamva kuti sakutenga nawo gawo amayi ake pamavuto ake komanso kulimbitsa kudzidalira kwawo kwachikazi, komwe kumafunikira kwambiri pakatha msinkhu.

Zina mwa izi: maubale

Tili ndi ziwerengero zotsimikizika za ubale womwe unachitikira ali ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndi makolo awo. Zatsimikiziridwa mobwerezabwereza kuti, kuphatikiza paubwenzi wosavomerezeka ndi mayiyo, amuna ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha anali ndi ubale wolakwika ndi abambo awo, ndipo akazi ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha anali ndi ubale woyipitsitsa ndi amayi awo kuposa akazi ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kapena ma neurasthenics ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Nthawi yomweyo, ziyenera kukumbukiridwa kuti zinthu za makolo ndi zamaphunziro zimangokhala zokonzekera, zabwino, koma zosakhazikika. Choyambitsa chachikulu cha kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha mwa amuna sichinthu chokhudzidwa ndi amayi kapena kukanidwa ndi abambo, ngakhale umboni wa izi ungachitike kangati m'maphunziro a odwala aubwana. Kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha sizomwe zimachitika chifukwa chodzimva kuti amayi awo amakanidwa, ngakhale izi zimachitika pafupipafupi. (Izi ndizosavuta kuwona ngati mungaganize za achikulire ambiri omwe amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha omwe, ali mwana, adakanidwanso ndi kholo lawo lachiwerewere kapena adasiyidwa ndi iye. Pakati pa zigawenga komanso achinyamata opulupudza, mutha kupeza ambiri omwe adakumana ndi zotere, komanso pakati pa ma neurotic amuna kapena akazi okhaokha)

Chifukwa chake, kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha sikugwirizana ndi ubale wa mwana ndi bambo kapena mwana ndi mayi, koma ndi ubale ndi anzawo. (Pa matebulo owerengera ndi kuwunika onani van den Aardweg, 1986, 78, 80; Nicolosi, 1991, 63). Tsoka ilo, chisonkhezero cha njira yachikhalidwe mu psychoanalyst ndi chidwi chapadera paubwenzi wapakati pa makolo ndi mwana chidakali chachikulu kwambiri kotero kuti owerenga ochepa okha amazindikira izi.

Mofananamo, maubwenzi anzanu atha kukhudza kwambiri chinthu chofunikira kwambiri: masomphenya a wachinyamata aumuna kapena ukazi wake. Kudziona kwa mtsikana, mwachitsanzo, kuwonjezera pazinthu monga kusatetezeka muubwenzi wake ndi amayi ake, chisamaliro chokwanira kapena chosakwanira kuchokera kwa abambo ake, zitha kuchititsanso chidwi ndi anzawo, kunyozeka poyanjana ndi abale, kudzikweza, "kuyipa" - ndiye kuti kudzidalira osakongola komanso osakongola pamaso pa anyamata pa nthawi yakutha msinkhu, kapena kufananizidwa ndi abale awo omwe si amuna kapena akazi anzawo ("nonse muli kwa amalume anu"). Zochitika zoyipa ngati izi zitha kubweretsa zovuta, zomwe zafotokozedwa pansipa.

Kucheperachepera amuna / akazi

“Lingaliro Laku America Lokhudza Amuna! Pali zinthu zochepa pansi pa thambo zomwe ndizovuta kuzimvetsa, kapena, ndili mwana, ndizovuta kukhululuka. " Ndi mawu awa, wakuda amuna kapena akazi okhaokha komanso wolemba James Baldwin (1985, 678) adafotokoza zakusakhutitsidwa ndi iyemwini chifukwa amadziona ngati wolephera chifukwa chosowa umuna. Ananyoza zomwe samamvetsa. Ndinadzimva ngati wamisala wamwamuna wankhanza ameneyu, wosiyidwa - wonyozeka, mwa mawu. Lingaliro lake la "zachimuna zaku America" ​​lidasokonekera chifukwa chakukhumudwaku. Zachidziwikire, pali mitundu yokokomeza - machitidwe oyang'anira maso kapena "nkhanza" pakati pa zigawenga - zomwe zimawoneka ngati "zachimuna" zenizeni ndi anthu osakhwima. Koma palinso kulimba mtima kwamwamuna wathanzi, komanso luso pamasewera, mpikisano, kupirira - mikhalidwe yomwe imatsutsana ndi kufooka, kudzisangalatsa nokha, ulemu wa "mayi wachikulire" kapena ukazi. Ali wachinyamata, Baldwin adamva kusowa kwa zinthu zabwino izi zachimuna ndi anzawo, mwina kusekondale, panthawi yakutha msinkhu:

"Ndinali chandamale chosekedwa ... Maphunziro anga ndi msinkhu wanga wochepa zimanditsutsa. Ndipo ndidavutika. " Anamuseka ndi "maso a tizilombo" ndi "msungwana", koma samadziwa momwe angadziyimirire. Abambo ake sanathe kumuthandiza, popeza anali munthu wofooka. Baldwin adaleredwa ndi amayi ake ndi agogo ake aakazi, ndipo kunalibe chinthu chamwamuna m'moyo wa mwana woberekayo. Lingaliro lake lakutali ndi dziko la amuna lidakulitsidwa atazindikira kuti abambo ake si ake. Maganizo ake pa moyo amatha kufotokozedwa m'mawu oti: "Anyamata onse, olimba mtima kuposa ine, akutsutsana nane." Dzina lake lotchedwa "baba" limangonena za izi: osati kuti anali msungwana, koma munthu wabodza, munthu wonyozeka. Ndi pafupifupi mawu ofanana ndi mawu oti "ofooka", whiny, ngati msungwana, yemwe samenya nkhondo, koma amathawa. Baldwin amatha kuimba mlandu umuna "waku America" ​​pazomwe zidachitikazi, koma ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha padziko lonse lapansi amatsutsa umuna wazikhalidwe zomwe amakhala chifukwa amadziona kuti ndi otsika pankhaniyi. Pachifukwa chomwechi, ma lesibbi amanyoza zomwe iwo, kudzera muzochitika zoipa, amawona molakwika ngati "ukazi woyenera": "madiresi, kufunika kokhala ndi chidwi ndi mabanja okhaokha, kukhala msungwana wokongola, wokoma," malinga ndi chiwerewere china chachi Dutch. Kudziona kukhala wamwamuna kapena wamkazi kuposa ena ndizovuta kwenikweni kwa anthu ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha.

Zowona zake, achinyamata asanagonane samangokhala "osiyana" (werengani: "otsika"), komanso nthawi zambiri amakhala osachita molimba mtima (achikazi) kuposa anzawo ndipo ali ndi zokonda zomwe sizili mwanjira wamba pa jenda. Zizolowezi zawo kapena mikhalidwe yawo imakhala yodabereka chifukwa chakulera kapena ubale ndi makolo. Zakhala zikuwonetsedwa mobwerezabwereza kuti kusakhazikika kwamakhalidwe achimuna muubwana ndiunyamata, kuwonetsedwa ndikuwopa kuvulala kwakuthupi, kusakhazikika, kusafuna kutenga nawo gawo pamasewera omwe anyamata amakonda (mpira ku Europe ndi Latin America, baseball ku USA) ndichinthu choyamba komanso chofunikira kwambiri. zomwe zimakhudzana ndi kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Zolakalaka za Lesika ndi "zazing'ono" kuposa atsikana ena (onani ziwerengero za van den Aardweg, 1986). Hockenberry ndi Billingham (1987) adatsimikiza molondola kuti "ndiko kusowa kwa umuna, osati kupezeka kwa zikhalidwe zachikazi, zomwe zimakhudza kwambiri kupangika kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amtsogolo." Mnyamata yemwe abambo ake adakhalako kale, komanso mphamvu za amayi ake zinali zamphamvu kwambiri, sangakule wamwamuna. Lamuloli, limodzi ndi zosiyana zina, limagwira ntchito m'miyoyo ya amuna ambiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Ndichizolowezi kuti paubwana wawo sanalote konse kukhala apolisi, sanachite nawo masewera achichepere, sanadziganize kuti ndi othamanga otchuka, sanakonde nkhani zapaulendo, ndi zina zambiri. (Hockenberry ndi Billingham, 1987). Zotsatira zake, adadziona kuti ali otsika pakati pa anzawo. Lesbian muubwana ankamverera kuperewera kwazomwe amachita. Izi zimathandizidwanso ndikumverera koyipa kwamunthu, zomwe ndizomveka. Mu nthawi isanakwane kutha msinkhu, komanso munthawi yomweyi, wachinyamata amakhala ndi lingaliro lodziona yekha, za udindo wake pakati pa anzawo - kodi ndine wawo? Kudziyerekeza ndi ena koposa china chilichonse chimapangitsa lingaliro lakelo la machitidwe a jenda. Wachinyamata wina wokonda kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha adadzitamandira kuti sanakumanepo ndi mwayi wokhala wotsika, kuti kaonedwe kake ka moyo kanali kosangalatsa nthawi zonse. Chinthu chokha chomwe, mwa malingaliro ake, chinamudetsa nkhawa - chinali kukana chikhalidwe chake ndi anthu. Pambuyo posinkhasinkha pang'ono, adatsimikizira kuti amakhala moyo wopanda nkhawa ali mwana ndipo akumakhala otetezeka ndi makolo onse awiri (omwe amamuganizira kwambiri), koma asanachitike kutha. Anali ndi abwenzi atatu omwe adacheza nawo kuyambira ali mwana. Pamene anali kukula, anali kudziona kuti anali wopatukana ndi iwo, chifukwa anali okondana kwambiri kuposa iye. Zokonda zawo zidakonzedwa motsata masewera andewu, zokambirana zawo zinali za "zachimuna" - atsikana ndi masewera, ndipo samatha kutsatira nawo. Adalimbikira kuwerengedwa nawo, kusewera gawo la munthu wokondwerera, kupangitsa aliyense kuseka, kuti angodzionetsera.

Apa ndipomwe chinthu chachikulu chagona: adamva kuti siwamuna palimodzi ndi abwenzi ake. Kunyumba anali otetezeka, adaleredwa ngati mwana "wodekha" wokhala ndi "mayendedwe abwino", amayi ake nthawi zonse anali onyadira mayendedwe ake abwino. Sanakangane konse; "Muyenera kusunga mtendere nthawi zonse" linali langizo lomwe amayi ake amakonda. Pambuyo pake adazindikira kuti amawopa kwambiri mikangano. Mkhalidwe womwe mwamtendere ndi wofatsa unapangidwira unali "wochezeka" ndipo sunalole malingaliro okhumudwitsa kuwonekera.

Wogonana mnzake adakula ndi mayi yemwe amadana ndi chilichonse chomwe chimawoneka ngati "chankhanza" kwa iye. Sanamulole "zoseweretsa" zoseweretsa monga asitikali, magalimoto ankhondo kapena akasinja; adanenanso kufunika kwa zoopsa zosiyanasiyana zomwe amati zimamuperekeza kulikonse; anali ndi malingaliro okhumudwitsa azipembedzo zosachita zachiwawa. N'zosadabwitsa kuti mwana wamwamuna wosauka, wosakhazikika uyu mwiniyo adakula mwamanyazi, wodalira, wamantha komanso wopusa pang'ono. Anakanidwa kulumikizana ndi anyamata ena, ndipo amangolankhula ndi m'modzi kapena awiri amzake amanyazi, akunja omwewo monga iyemwini. Popanda kusanthula zolakalaka zake zogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, timawona kuti adayamba kukopeka ndi "dziko loopsa koma losangalatsa" la asitikali, omwe nthawi zambiri amamuwona akuchoka m'ndende yapafupi. Anali amuna olimba mtima omwe amakhala m'dziko lachilendo, losangalatsa. Zomwe adachita chidwi ndi iwo zimalankhula, mwazinthu zina, zazikhalidwe zake zamwamuna zodziwika bwino. Mnyamata aliyense amafuna kukhala wamwamuna, mtsikana aliyense wamkazi, ndipo izi ndizofunikira kwambiri kuti akamva kuti ndiwosayenera m'dera lofunika kwambiri pamoyo, amayamba kupembedza umuna ndi ukazi wa anthu ena.

Kuti tidziwike bwino, titha kusiyanitsa magawo awiri osiyana pakukula kwa malingaliro ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Choyamba ndikupanga zizolowezi zogonana pakati pa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha mokomera komanso machitidwe, chachiwiri ndichovuta cha kudzichepetsa kwa amuna / akazi (kapena zovuta zazochepera pakati pa amuna ndi akazi), zomwe zitha kuchitika, koma osati kwenikweni, chifukwa cha zizolowezizi. Kupatula apo, pali anyamata achimuna ndi atsikana achimuna omwe sakhala ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha.

Kuphatikiza apo, zovuta zazing'ono zazimuna ndi zachikazi nthawi zambiri sizimakhazikika kwathunthu, musanathe kapena mukatha msinkhu. Mwana atha kuwonetsa zakusiyana pakati pa amuna ndi akazi ngakhale m'makalasi apansi pasukulu, ndipo, pokumbukira izi, wogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha atha kutanthauzira izi ngati umboni kuti wakhala ali wotero - komabe, malingaliro awa ndi olakwika. Ndizosatheka kunena za "kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha" mpaka nkhope iwonetse malingaliro osakwanira a munthu yemwe ndi wamwamuna kapena wamkazi (mnyamata kapena mtsikana), kuphatikizidwa ndi kudziyerekeza mwawokha (onani pansipa) ndi malingaliro azakugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Fomuyi imawonekera kwambiri mukamatha msinkhu, nthawi zambiri musanachitike. Ndi paunyamata pomwe ambiri amadutsa pakusintha kwa moyo m'malingaliro amakulidwe azidziwitso. Asanakwane, monga momwe amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amachitira, moyo umawoneka wosavuta komanso wosangalala. Kenako thambo lamkati limakutidwa ndi mitambo kwa nthawi yayitali.

Anyamata omwe amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha nthawi zambiri amakhala opanda ulemu, ofatsa, amantha, ofooka, pomwe atsikana omwe amagonana ndi amuna anzawo amakhala ankhanza, olamulira, "olusa" kapena odziyimira pawokha. Anawa akangofika msinkhu, mikhalidwe imeneyi, makamaka chifukwa cha zomwe adaphunzitsidwa (mwachitsanzo, "amawoneka ngati mwana"), zimathandizira kukulitsa kudzikweza pakati pawo akadziyerekeza ndi achinyamata ena amtundu womwewo. Nthawi yomweyo, mnyamata yemwe samadzimva kuti ndi wamwamuna mwa iye samadziwika naye, ndipo msungwana yemwe samva ukazi wake sayerekeza kudzizindikiritsa yekha kuti ndi wamkazi. Munthu amayesetsa kupewa zomwe amadziona ngati wonyozeka. Komabe, sizinganenedwe za mtsikana wachinyamata yemwe sakonda kusewera ndi zidole kapena samapewa maudindo azimayi, kuti ali ndi chiyembekezo chofuna kugonana ndi akazi okhaokha. Yemwe akufuna kutsimikizira achichepere kuti kutha kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndi lingaliro lodziwikiratu, angabweretse chiopsezo m'maganizo awo ndikupanga kupanda chilungamo kwakukulu!

Kuti titsirize chithunzi cha zinthu zomwe zimapangitsa kuti pakhale vuto lochepera pakati pa amuna ndi akazi, tazindikira kuti kudziyerekeza wekha ndi abale omwe ndi amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kumatha kukhala ndi gawo lofunikira pa izi. Zikatero, mnyamatayo ndiye "msungwana" pakati pa abale ake, ndipo msungwanayo ndiye "mnyamata" pakati pa alongo. Kuphatikiza apo, malingaliro omwe mumadziona kuti ndinu achilendo ndiofala kwambiri. Mnyamatayo amaganiza kuti nkhope yake ndi yokongola kwambiri kapena "yasungwana", kapena kuti ndiwofooka, wosasangalatsa, ndi zina zambiri, monganso momwe msungwanayo amaganizira kuti mawonekedwe ake si achikazi, kuti ndiwovuta, kapena mayendedwe ake siabwino, ndi zina zambiri.

Kudzizimbaitsa ndi kupanga chinsisi chocheperako

Kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha sikuli konse kwathunthu chifukwa chophwanyidwa kapena kusowa kwa ubale ndi kholo lofananalo kapena / kapena kudzipereka kwambiri kwa kholo la anyamata kapena atsikana, mosasamala za kuchuluka kwa maubwenzi owona. Choyamba, maubale oterowo nthawi zambiri amawonedwa m'mbiri ya pedophiles ndi ma neurotic ena ogonana (Mor et al., 1964, 6i, 140). Komanso, amuna ambiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha anali ndi ubale wofanana ndi makolo awo. Kachiwiri, monga tafotokozera pamwambapa, machitidwe azakugonana ndi amuna ndi akazi sizimatsogolera ku kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha.

Komabe, zovuta zazocheperako pakati pa amuna ndi akazi zimatha kukhala munjira zosiyanasiyana, ndipo malingaliro opangidwa ndi izi sangapangidwe kwa achichepere kapena achikulire amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, komanso kwa ana ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha (ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha), ndipo mwina ndi amuna kapena akazi anzawo. Mwachitsanzo, wokonda akazi ndi munthu yemwe nthawi zambiri amakhala ndi vuto limodzi lodzikweza. Chofunikira kwambiri pakugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndizopeka. Ndipo malingaliro amapangidwa ndi kudziona wekha, malingaliro a ena (malingana ndi mikhalidwe yawo ya jenda), ndi zochitika mosasinthika monga kufotokoza mayanjano ochezera ndi mawonekedwe a unamwali. Vuto lodzichepetsera pakati pa amuna ndi akazi ndi mwala wopitilira malingaliro angapo azakugonana omwe amabwera chifukwa chakukhumudwa.

Kumva kusakwanira kwa umuna kapena ukazi wako kuyerekezera ndi anzako omwe amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndikofanana ndi kudzimva kuti siwako. Anyamata ambiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amadziona kuti "siali" a abambo awo, abale awo, kapena anyamata ena, ndipo atsikana omwe adagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amadzimva kuti "sali" a amayi awo, alongo awo, kapena atsikana ena. Kafukufuku wa Green (1987) atha kufotokozera kufunikira kwakudzimva kuti ndi "wofunika" pazomwe mungadziwe kuti ndi amuna kapena akazi kapena amuna kapena akazi okhaokha: mwa mapasa awiri ofanana, m'modzi amakhala wogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndipo winayo amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Wachiwiriyu adatchedwa chimodzimodzi ndi bambo awo.

Kumverera kwa "osakhala", kuchepa komanso kusungulumwa kulumikizidwa. Funso ndilakuti, kodi malingaliro awa amatsogolera bwanji ku zikhumbo za amuna kapena akazi okhaokha? Kuti mumvetsetse izi, ndikofunikira kumveketsa lingaliro la "kuperewera kwaumbuli."

Mwana ndi wachinyamata amangoyankha kudziona ngati wonyozeka komanso "osakhala nawo" podzimvera chisoni komanso kudziyerekeza. Mkati, amadziona ngati zolengedwa zomvetsa chisoni, zomvetsa chisoni, komanso zosasangalala. Mawu oti "kudziyimira pawokha" ndi olondola, chifukwa akuwonetsa chidwi cha mwanayo kuti adziwonere yekha ngati likulu lowopsa lachilengedwe. "Palibe amene amandimvetsa", "palibe amene amandikonda", "aliyense akutsutsana nane", "moyo wanga ukuvutika" - malingaliro achichepere savomereza ndipo sangavomereze zachisoni ichi, samamvetsetsa ubale wake kapena sawona ngati chinthu chosakhalitsa. Kudzimvera chisoni kumakhala kwamphamvu kwambiri komanso kosavuta kumasula chifukwa kumatsitsimula pang'ono, monganso kumvera ena chisoni kwa ena munthawi yachisoni. Kudzimvera chisoni kumatonthoza, kumatonthoza, chifukwa pali china chake chokoma. "Pali chinthu china chodzaza ndi kulira," monga wolemba ndakatulo wakale Ovid adati ("Sorrowful Elegies"). Mwana kapena wachinyamata yemwe amadziona ngati "wosauka ine" atha kukhala ndi chizolowezi chotere, makamaka akathawa yekha ndipo alibe aliyense yemwe akumvetsetsa, kuthandizira ndikudzidalira angamuthandize kuthana ndi mavuto ake. Kudziyimira pawokha kumachitika makamaka paunyamata, pomwe wachinyamata amamva ngati ngwazi, wapadera, wapadera ngakhale pamavuto. Ngati chizolowezi chodzimvera chisoni chikapitilira, ndiye kuti zovuta zotere zimachitika, ndiye kuti, zovuta zazing'ono. Chizolowezi choganiza kuti "ndili ndi vuto loperewera" chimakhazikika m'malingaliro. Ndi "wosauka yekha" amene amapezeka m'malingaliro a munthu yemwe amadzimva kuti ndi wamwamuna, wopanda amuna, wosungulumwa komanso "wosakhala" wa anzawo.

Poyamba, kudzimvera chisoni kumakhala ngati mankhwala abwino, koma posakhalitsa amayamba kuchita ngati mankhwala. Pakadali pano, mosadziwa adakhala chizolowezi chodzilimbikitsanso, kudzikonda kwambiri. Moyo wam'maganizo watha kukhala wosokoneza: kudalira kudzimvera chisoni. Chifukwa cha chibadwa champhamvu, champhamvu cha mwana kapena wachinyamata, izi zimangopanga zokha mpaka kusokonezedwa ndi munthu yemwe amakonda komanso kulimbikitsa kuchokera kudziko lakunja. Maganizidwe oterewa amakhalapobe ovulazidwa, osauka, odzimvera chisoni, okhala ana nthawi zonse. Malingaliro, kuyesera ndi zokhumba za "mwana wakale" zimaphatikizidwa mu "munthu wopanda pakeyu".

"Zovutazo" motero zimangodzichitira chisoni kwakanthawi, kudandaula kwamkati mwanu. Palibe zovuta popanda kudziyankha kwachinyamata (wachinyamata). Kudzimva kuti ndiwe wotsika kumatha kukhala kwakanthawi, koma apitilizabe kukhala ndi moyo ngati kudzimvera chisoni kukhazikika, ndipo nthawi zambiri kumakhala kwatsopano komanso kwamphamvu zaka khumi ndi zisanu monga anali ndi zisanu. "Zovuta" zikutanthauza kuti kudziona kuti ndi wotsika kwakhala kodziyimira pawokha, kobwerezabwereza, kogwira ntchito nthawi zonse, kowopsa nthawi imodzi osatinso kwina. Mwamaganizidwe, munthu amakhala mwana yemweyo kapena unyamata momwe anali, amasiya kukula, kapena amakula movutikira kumadera omwe kudziona ngati wonyozeka kumalamulira. Kwa ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, awa ndi malo omwe amadzipangira okha pokhudzana ndi jenda komanso machitidwe okhudzana ndi jenda.

Monga onyamula zovuta zazing'ono, ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amadzimvera chisoni "achinyamata". Kudandaula za momwe munthu alili m'maganizo kapena mwakuthupi, za malingaliro olakwika a anthu ena kwa iyemwini, za moyo, tsogolo, ndi chilengedwe ndi zomwe ambiri mwa iwo, komanso iwo omwe amakhala ngati munthu wokondwa nthawi zonse. Monga lamulo, iwowo sakudziwa kudalira kwawo kudzimvera chisoni. Amawona madandaulo awo kukhala oyenera, koma osati monga kupitilira pakufunika kudandaula ndikudzimvera chisoni. Chosowa cha kuzunzika ndi kuzunzika ndichapadera. Mwamaganizidwe, izi ndizomwe zimatchedwa kuti zosowa, kudziphatika kokondweretsa madandaulo komanso kudzimvera chisoni, kusewera gawo lowopsa.

Ndizovuta kwa akatswiri othandizira komanso okonda kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kuti amvetsetse njira yapakati yodandaula komanso kudzimvera chisoni. Nthawi zambiri, iwo amene amvapo za lingaliro lodzimvera chisoni, amaganiza kuti mwina sazindikira kuti kudzimvera chisoni kosafunikira kungakhale kofunikira kwambiri pakulimbikitsa kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Zomwe zimakonda kukumbukiridwa ndikugwirizana pa malongosoledwe oterewa ndi lingaliro la "kudzikweza", koma osati “kudzimvera chisoni”. Lingaliro lakufunika kwakukuru kwa kudzimvera chisoni kwachinyengo kwa neurosis ndi kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndilatsopano; mwina ngakhale osadandaula poyang'ana koyamba. Komabe, ngati muganiza bwino za nkhaniyi ndikuyerekeza ndi zomwe mwawona, mutha kukayikira kuti ndizothandiza kwambiri pakufotokozera.

3. Kukopa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha

Sakani pa chikondi ndi chibwenzi

"Njala yam'maganizo polumikizana ndi amuna," akutero a Green (1987, 377), "zimatsimikiziranso kufunafuna amuna kapena akazi okhaokha komanso kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha." Ofufuza ambiri amakono a vuto lachiwerewere afika pamapeto pake. Izi ndizowona mukaganizira zovuta zazomwe amuna amadzichepetsera komanso kudzimvera chisoni. Zowonadi, mnyamatayo amatha kuperewera ulemu ndi chisamaliro cha abambo ake, nthawi zina - mchimwene wake kapena anzawo, zomwe zidamupangitsa manyazi kwa anyamata ena. Chosowa chachikondi chimakhala kufunikira kokhala mdziko lachimuna, kuzindikira ndi kucheza kwa iwo omwe ali pansi pake.

Koma, pomvetsetsa izi, tiyenera kupewa tsankho lomwe limafala. Pali lingaliro kuti anthu omwe sanalandire chikondi muubwana ndipo ali ndi nkhawa m'maganizo ndi izi amatha kuchiritsa mabala auzimu podzaza kusowa kwa chikondi. Njira zambiri zochiritsira zimadalira malowa. Osati ophweka.

Choyamba, sizofunikira kwenikweni kusowa chikondi komwe kuli kofunikira kwambiri, koma malingaliro a mwanayo - ndipo amakhala omvera potanthauzira. Ana amatha kutanthauzira molakwika machitidwe a makolo awo, ndipo, ndi chizolowezi chawo chofanizira chilichonse, amatha kulingalira kuti ndi osafunikira, ndipo makolo awo ndi owopsa, ndipo onse ali ndi mzimu womwewo. Chenjerani ndi kutenga lingaliro launyamata la kulera monga chiweruzo chopanda tanthauzo!

Komanso, "kupanda chikondi" sikudzazidwa ndi kutsanulidwa kwachikondi mwa iwo. Ndikukhulupirira kuti yankho lavuto, wachinyamata amene amasungulumwa kapena kuganiza kuti: “Ndikakhala ndi chikondi chomwe ndimachisowa kwambiri, pamapeto pake ndidzakhala wosangalala.” Koma, ngati tivomereza lingaliro loterolo, tidzaphonya mfundo imodzi yofunika: kukhalapo kwa chizolowezi chomumvera chisoni. Wachinyamata asanayambe kudzimvera chisoni, chikondi chingamuthandizedi kuthana ndi kusakhutira kwake. Koma malingaliro atakhala kuti "wosauka" wakhazikika, kufunafuna kwake kwa chikondi sikumalimbikitsanso komanso kumachiritsa, cholinga chake ndikubwezeretsa umphumphu. Kusaka uku kumakhala gawo la machitidwe odabwitsa: "Sindidzapeza chikondi chomwe ndikufuna!" Chikhumbo ndich osakhutira ndipo kukhutira kwake sikungatheke. Kusaka kwa chikondi cha amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndi ludzu lomwe silingakwane mpaka gwero lake litauma, kudziona kuti ndinu "wosasangalala." Ngakhale Oscar Wilde adadandaula motere: "Nthawi zonse ndimayang'ana chikondi, koma ndapeza okonda okha." Mayi wa lesibiyani yemwe adadzipha adati, "Moyo wake wonse, Helen wakhala akufunafuna chikondi," koma zoona sanazipeze (Hanson 1965, 189). Chifukwa chiyani? Chifukwa ndimakhala ndikudzimvera chisoni pazifukwa zomwe samamkonda akazi ena. Mwanjira ina, anali "wachinyamata womvetsa chisoni." Nkhani zachikondi za amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndizoseweretsa. Okonda ambiri, wodwalayo samakhutira kwambiri.

Njira yochiritsira pseudo iyi imagwiranso ntchito chimodzimodzi kwa anthu ena omwe akufuna chibwenzi, ndipo ma neurotic ambiri amadziwa izi. Mwachitsanzo, mayi wina wachichepere anali ndi okonda angapo, ndipo kwa iwo onsewo anayimira chithunzi cha tate wachikondi. Zidawoneka kuti aliyense wa iwo amamuchitira zoipa, chifukwa amadzimvera chisoni nthawi zonse chifukwa sanakondedwa (ubale wake ndi abambo ake udakhala poyambira kukula kwa zovuta zake). Kodi kukondana kumatha bwanji kuchiritsa munthu yemwe akhazikika ndi lingaliro lomvetsa chisoni la "kukana" kwake?

Kufunafuna chikondi ngati njira yotonthoza m'maganizo kungakhale kwakanthawi komanso kodziyerekeza. Wina mnzakeyo amadziwika kuti ndi yekhayo amene ayenera kukonda “sindisangalala”. Uku ndikupempha chikondi, osati chikondi chokhwima. Wogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha akhoza kumawoneka ngati wokongola, wachikondi komanso wodalirika, koma kwenikweni uwu ndi masewera chabe kuti ukope winanso. Zonsezi ndizoganiza komanso kukokomeza mawu kwambiri.

"Okonda" amuna kapena akazi okhaokha

"Chikondi" pamenepa chiyenera kuikidwa muzolemba. Chifukwa si chikondi chenicheni, monga chikondi cha mwamuna ndi mkazi (mu kukula kwake koyenera) kapena chikondi muubwenzi wabwinobwino. M'malo mwake, awa ndi malingaliro achichepere - "chikondi cha ana agalu" kuphatikiza chidwi chazakugonana.

Anthu ena okhudzidwa kwambiri atha kukhumudwa ndikubwetuka uku, koma ndizowona. Mwamwayi, anthu ena zimawawona kukhala zothandiza kuyang'anizana ndi chowonadi chakuchiritsidwa. Chifukwa chake, atamva izi, wachinyamata yemwe amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, adazindikira kuti anali ndi zovuta zazing'ono zamwamuna. Koma zikafika pamabuku ake, sanali wotsimikiza kuti atha kukhala opanda "chikondi" chomwechi chomwe chimapangitsa moyo kukhala wathunthu. Mwina chikondi ichi sichinali chabwino, koma…. Ndidamufotokozera kuti chikondi chake ndi chabwinobwino chabwana, kudzikonda, choncho ndichabodza. Anakhumudwa, makamaka chifukwa anali wamwano komanso wamwano. Komabe, miyezi ingapo pambuyo pake adandiimbira foni nati ngakhale adayamba kupsa mtima, tsopano "adameza". Zotsatira zake, adakhala omasuka ndipo, kwa milungu ingapo tsopano, anali womasuka mkati kufunafuna malumikizidwe amtunduwu.

Wachinyamata wina wazaka zapakati, wa ku Dutch, adalankhula za ubwana wake wosungulumwa, momwe analibe abwenzi, ndipo anali wotchuka pakati pa anyamata chifukwa bambo ake anali membala wa chipani cha Nazi. (Ndidakumana ndi zochitika zambiri za kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha pakati pa ana a "opanduka" a Nkhondo Yachiwiri Yadziko Lonse.) Kenako adakumana ndi wansembe wachinyamata wosazindikira, ndipo adamkonda. Chikondi ichi chinakhala chodabwitsa kwambiri m'moyo wake: pakati pawo panali kumvetsetsa kwabwino konse; adapeza mtendere ndi chisangalalo, koma, chifukwa, pazifukwa zina, ubale wawo sukhoza kupitilira. Nkhani ngati izi zimatha kukopa anthu opanda pake omwe akufuna kuonetsa "chisamaliro": "Kotero, chikondi cha amuna kapena akazi okhaokha komabe imakhalapo! " Ndipo bwanji osavomereza chikondi chokongola, ngakhale sichikugwirizana ndi zomwe timakonda? Koma tisanyengedwe monga momwe Mdutch uyu adadzinyenga yekha. Anasambitsa malingaliro ake achichepere okhudzana ndi bwenzi labwino lomwe amakhala akulakalaka. Kumva wopanda thandizo, womvetsa chisoni komabe - o! - mwana wovuta, wovulazidwa, pomaliza pake adapeza munthu amene amamukonda, yemwe nayenso adampembedza ndikumukweza kuti akhale fano. Muubwenzowu, adachita zadyera; inde, adampatsa nzake ndalama ndipo adamchitira zambiri, koma kungogula chikondi chake. Maganizo ake anali opanda umuna, wopemphapempha, kapolo.

Wachinyamata wodzimvera chisoni amasilira makamaka iwo omwe, mwa iye, ali ndi mikhalidwe yomwe iyemwini alibe. Monga lamulo, cholinga chodzikweza mwa anthu ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndikuyamikira mikhalidwe yomwe amawona mwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Ngati Leonardo da Vinci adakopeka ndi ma punks am'misewu, tili ndi chifukwa choganiza kuti amadziona kuti ndiwodzisunga komanso wamakhalidwe abwino. Wolemba mabuku wachifalansa André Gide adadzimva ngati mwana wodziwika bwino wachipembedzo cha Calvin yemwe samayenera kucheza ndi ana amisinkhu yovuta kwambiri. Ndipo kusakhutira kumeneku kunadzetsa chisangalalo chamkuntho mwa anthu osasamala komanso chidwi chofuna kugona nawo. Mnyamatayo, yemwe anali ndi amayi osakhazikika, osachita zankhanza, adayamba kusilira amuna amtundu wankhondo, chifukwa adawona zosiyana kwathunthu mwa iyemwini. Amuna ambiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amakopeka ndi achinyamata "olimba mtima" othamanga, omangika komanso osavuta kukumana nawo. Ndipo ndipamene zovuta zawo zazimuna zimawonekera kwambiri - amuna achimuna samakopa amuna ambiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Amphamvu akamagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, momwemonso amadzimva achikazi ndipo amalimbikira kufunafuna zikhalidwe zachikazi. Onse omwe ali ndi "banja" logonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha - koyambirira - amakopeka ndi mikhalidwe yakuthupi kapena mikhalidwe ya winayo, yolumikizidwa ndi chikazi (chachikazi), chomwe, monga momwe amaganizira, iwowo alibe. Mwanjira ina, amawona umuna kapena ukazi wa wokondedwa wawo ngati "wabwino" kuposa wawo, ngakhale onse alibe umuna kapena ukazi. Zomwezo zimachitika ndi munthu yemwe ali ndi vuto lina lotsika: amalemekeza iwo omwe, mwa lingaliro lake, ali ndi kuthekera kapena mikhalidwe yotere, kusowa kwake komwe kumamupangitsa kudziona wonyozeka, ngakhale kumverera kumeneku sikuli wolungamitsidwa. Kuphatikiza apo, sizokayikitsa kuti mwamuna yemwe amafunidwa kuti akhale wachimuna, kapena mkazi yemwe akufuna kuti akhale wachikazi, sangakhale bwenzi la amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kapena akazi okhaokha, popeza mitundu iyi nthawi zambiri imakhala yogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha.

Kusankha kwa amuna kapena akazi omwe ndi "abwino" (momwe angatchulidwe kuti "kusankha") kumatsimikiziridwa makamaka ndi zolingalira za wachinyamata. Monga m'nkhani ya mwana yemwe amakhala pafupi ndi zipinda zankhondo ndipo amakhala ndikulingalira za asirikali, mwayi uliwonse ungatengepo gawo pakupanga malingaliro okondweretsawa. Mtsikanayo, yemwe adachititsidwa manyazi chifukwa choti anyamata kusukulu adamuseka chifukwa chodzala ndi "zikhalidwe" (adathandizira abambo ake pafamu), adayamba kusilira mnzake wokhala naye kalasi yokongola, wowoneka bwino tsitsi komanso chilichonse chosiyana ndi iye. “Mtsikanayo” zakhala chizindikiro chakutsogolo kwake. Ndizowonanso kuti kusowa kwa ubale wapafupi ndi amayi ake kunampangitsa kuti azikhala wokayikira, koma kukopeka ndi amuna okhaokha monga amzake kumadzuka podziyerekeza ndi msungwanayo. Ndizokayikitsa kuti malingaliro achikazi amatha kapena kubereka kokha ngati atakhala paubwenzi ndi msungwanayo; M'malo mwake, mnzake wa maloto akewo adalibe chidwi naye. Pa unamwali, atsikana amakhala kumva kugwa kwa atsikana ena kapena aphunzitsi omwe amawakonda. Mwanjira iyi, lesbianism sichinthu koma kuphatikiza kwa izi achinyamata.

Wachinyamata yemwe amadziona ngati wonyozeka amasintha zomwe amakonda m'magonana. Chinsinsi, chapadera, chikondi chapakati chomwe chingasangalatse moyo wake wosowa wocheperako chikuwoneka ngati chosiririka. Mu kutha msambo, nthawi zambiri samangotengera umunthu kapena mtundu wa umunthu, komanso amakhala ndi malingaliro olakwika pa umunthuwu. Kufunika kosangalatsa kochokera kwa fano (lomwe thupi lake ndi mawonekedwe ake amazisilira, nthawi zambiri limachita nsanje), zimatha kukhala chilimbikitso chofuna kukondana naye zomwe zimabweretsa maloto olakwika.

Wachinyamata wachikazi, m'malingaliro ake, angakhumudwe ndi zomwe iye, atakula, amatenga zizindikilo zachimuna: amuna ovala zovala zachikopa, ndi masharubu, akukwera njinga yamoto, ndi zina zotero. fet fet... Amakonda kwambiri zovala zamkati, mbolo yayikulu, ndi zina zambiri, chilichonse chomwe chikuwonetsa kutha msinkhu.

Tiye tinene mawu ochepa ponena za lingaliro loti amuna kapena akazi okhaokha akufuna abambo awo (kapena amayi awo) mwa anzawo. Ndikuganiza kuti izi ndizowona pang'ono, ndiye kuti, mnzake amayembekezeredwa kukhala ndi malingaliro amate (kapena amayi) kwa iwo okha, ngati atakhala opanda chikondi cha abambo kapena cha amayi kapena kuzindikira. Komabe, ngakhale munthawi izi, cholinga cha kusaka ndi ubwenzi ndi woyimira amuna kapena akazi. M'maganizo a ambiri, sichinthu chachilendo kwambiri cha mayi kapena mayi chomwe chimadziwika ngati ubwana kapena zovuta zaubwana zogwirizana ndi m'badwo wawo.

Kufutukula kwa zifanizo kwa akazi okhaokha sikwachilendo pakokha. Funso lofunika ndiloti, bwanji limagwira munthu kwambiri kotero kuti limakuta magalimoto ambiri, mwina si onse, amuna ndi akazi? Yankho, monga momwe tawonera kale, lagona muunyamata mozama pachibwenzi ndi anzanu, zomwe zimapangitsa kuti akhale "osagwirizana" komanso kudzimvera chisoni. Amuna ndi akazi amakhalanso ndi vuto lofananalo: zikuwoneka kuti atsikana omwe amapembedza nyenyezi zazimuna zamphongo amamva kusungulumwa ndikuganiza kuti samakonda anyamata. Mwa anthu omwe amakonda kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, kukopeka kwa zifanizo za amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndikulimba, kuzama kwawo “kusiyana” kopanda chiyembekezo kwa ena.

Gay Kugonana

Wogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amakhala m'dziko lazolota, kuposa zogonana zonse. Wachinyamata amatonthozedwa ndi kukhumbira kwa maloto achikondi. Kukondana kumawoneka ngati njira yopweteketsa, kumwamba komwe. Amalakalaka ubale wapamtima, ndipo motalikiratu amasangalala ndi maloterowa mkati mwake, kapena maliseche, kumizidwa m'maloto awa, momwe amawakhalira akapolo. Izi zitha kufaniziridwa ndi chizolowezi chomwa mowa komanso mkhalidwe wa chisangalalo chabodza chomwe amapanga mwa opanga ma neurotic kapena anthu omwe ali ndi zovuta zina: kuchoka pang'onopang'ono kupita kudziko losakwaniritsidwa lazokhumbira zokhumba.

Kuchita maliseche pafupipafupi kumalimbitsa maloto achikondi awa. Kwa anyamata ambiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, kuseweretsa maliseche kumakhala chizolowezi chawo. Kuphatikiza apo, mtundu wamankhwalawu umachepetsa chidwi ndikukhala ndi moyo weniweni. Monga zizolowezi zina, ndi masitepe oyenda pansi omwe amafika mpaka kukafuna kukhutitsidwa ndi kugonana. Pakapita nthawi, chilakolako chofuna kuchita chibwenzi, zongopeka kapena zenizeni, chimasokoneza malingaliro. Munthu amangokhalira kutengeka ndi izi, zikuwoneka ngati moyo wake wonse umangoyang'ana pakufunafuna anthu omwe angakhale amuna kapena akazi anzawo komanso kusinkhasinkha kwa ofuna kusankha watsopano. Ngati mungayang'anire kufananako pazinthu zosokoneza bongo, izi zili ngati kuthamanga kwa golide kapena kutengeka ndi mphamvu, chuma cha ma neurotic ena.

Kudabwitsa "kosakanika", kuyamikiridwa ndi umuna kapena ukazi mwa anthu okonda kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, ndiye chifukwa chokana kusiya moyo wawo ndipo, moyenera, malingaliro ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Kumbali ina, sakukondwera nazo zonse, mbali inayo, ali ndi chizoloŵezi champhamvu chokhazikitsa malingaliro amenewa mwachinsinsi. Kwa iwo kusiya chilakolako chogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndiko kusiyana ndi chilichonse chomwe chimapangitsa moyo kukhala watanthauzo. Ngakhale kutsutsidwa pagulu kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kapena milandu yokhudza kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha sikukakamiza anthu kusiya moyo wawo. Malinga ndi zomwe a Janssens a ku Dutch adachita, omwe adafotokozedwa mu 1939 pamsonkhano wothana ndi kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, anthu ambiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha sasiya zofuna zawo zoipa, ngakhale atakhala mndende mobwerezabwereza. Khalidwe lachiwerewere limadziwika ndikulakalaka kuvutika; M'moyo wabwinobwino, mouma khosi amakonda chiopsezo chomangidwa. Kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kumakhala koopsa, ndipo kuopsa kwa chilango, mwina, kumawonjezera kudzuka kwake kuchokera kufunafuna maubale ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Masiku ano, anthu ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha nthawi zambiri amafuna dala anthu omwe ali ndi kachirombo ka HIV, motengeka ndi chidwi chofanana chodziwononga.

Maziko a chikhumbo ichi chakugonana ndikudzimvera chisoni, kukopa kwa tsoka la chikondi chosatheka. Pachifukwa ichi, amuna kapena akazi okhaokha omwe amagonana nawo samakondwera kwambiri ndi wokondedwa wawo komanso momwe amaganizira zolakalaka zosakwaniritsidwa. Samazindikira mnzake momwe aliri, ndipo m'mene amadziwika kuti ndi zenizeni, zokopa zake zimatha.

Zolemba zina zochepa zakugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha komanso zosokoneza zina. Monga kumwa mowa kapena kugwiritsa ntchito mankhwala osokoneza bongo, kukhutitsidwa ndi kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha (mkati kapena kunja kwa mgwirizano wa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, kapena kudzera mu maliseche) ndimakhalidwe onyenga. Kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha sikopanga zachikondi, koma, kuyitana khasu, ndichinthu chongochita chabe, monga kuchita ndi hule. Amuna kapena akazi okhaokha "odziwa" nthawi zambiri amavomereza izi. Chilakolako chodzikonda sichimadzaza chosowacho, koma chimangochikulitsa.

Kuphatikiza apo, ndizodziwika bwino kuti omwe amamwa mowa mwauchidakwa ndi omwe amakonda kugwiritsa ntchito mankhwala osokoneza bongo amakonda kunamiza anzawo komanso kudzinamiza pa zomwe amachita. Anthu ogonana, kuphatikizapo amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, amachitanso chimodzimodzi. Mwamuna kapena mkazi wokwatirana amene ali pabanja nthawi zambiri amanamiza mkazi wake; kukhala mgulu lachiwerewere - kwa mnzake; kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amene akufuna kuthana ndi chilakolako chogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha - kwa dokotala ndi iyemwini. Pali nkhani zingapo zomvetsa chisoni za amuna kapena akazi okhaokha omwe ali ndi zolinga zabwino omwe adalengeza kuti apuma ndi malo ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha (chifukwa cha kutembenuka kwachipembedzo, mwachitsanzo), koma pang'onopang'ono adabwerera kumakhalidwe oyipitsitsawa (kuphatikiza zachinyengo). Ndipo izi ndizomveka, chifukwa ndizovuta kukhala olimba mtima komanso osasunthika posankha kusiya izi. Posowa chobwerera m'mbuyo chonchi, atsokawa atuluka, ndikupita kukagwera kuphompho kwa chiwonongeko chamaganizidwe ndi thupi, monga zidachitikira Oscar Wilde atangotembenuka m'ndende. Poyesa kuimba ena mlandu chifukwa chofooka kwawo ndikuchepetsa chikumbumtima chawo, tsopano akuthamangira kukateteza amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndikudzudzula asing'anga awo kapena alangizi achikhristu, omwe malingaliro awo adagawana nawo kale ndipo amatsatira malangizo awo.

4. Neuroticism yokhudza kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha

Kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha

Palibe chifukwa chochitira umboni wina: mliri wa Edzi wawonetsa momveka bwino kuti anthu ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, ambiri mwa iwo, ndi achiwerewere kuposa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Nthano yamphamvu ya "mabungwe" ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha (ndi mawu awo akuti: "Kodi pali kusiyana kotani pakati pa maukwati a amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, kupatula amuna kapena akazi okhaokha?") Palibe china chongonena zabodza zomwe cholinga chake ndi kupeza mwayi wamalamulo ndi kuzindikira ndi mipingo yachikhristu. Zaka zingapo zapitazo, Martin Dannecker (1978), katswiri wazikhalidwe zaku Germany komanso amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, adavomereza poyera kuti "amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amagonana mosiyana," ndiye kuti, kusintha kwa anzawo pafupipafupi kumakhala kogonana. Lingaliro la "ukwati wokhalitsa," adalemba, lidagwiritsidwa ntchito poyesa kupanga malingaliro abwino pagulu pankhani yokhudza kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, koma tsopano "ndi nthawi yoti tichotse chophimba." Mwinanso kunyalanyaza kuwona mtima koteroko, popeza lingaliro la "ukwati wokhalitsa" likugwirabe bwino ntchito kumasula, mwachitsanzo, kulembetsa kukhazikitsidwa kwa ana ndi mabanja ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Chifukwa chake, mutu wamaubwenzi udalinso ndi chophimba chabodza komanso kupondereza zosafunikira. Katswiri wazamisala waku Germany wogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, a Hans Giese, otchuka mu 60s ndi 70s koyambirira, pazokambirana pagulu lililonse kapena pamsonkhano wokhudzana ndi kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha sanaphonye mwayi wopereka lingaliro la "mgwirizano wamphamvu komanso wokhalitsa", chitsanzo chomwe akuti, chinali moyo wake. Koma pomwe adadzipha atasudzulana ndi wokondedwa wina, atolankhani adadutsa izi mwakachetechete, popeza adalankhula motsutsana ndi "lingaliro lakukhulupirika." Momwemonso, m'ma 60s, chithunzi chomvetsa chisoni cha "sisitere woyimba" waku Belgian Mlongo Surier adawonekera pa siteji. Kusiya nyumba ya amonke chifukwa cha "chikondi" cha akazi okhaokha, adatsimikizira aliyense kulimba mtima kwake ndikutsatira miyambo yachipembedzo. Zaka zingapo pambuyo pake, iye ndi ambuye ake adapezeka atamwalira, monga akunenera, chifukwa chodzipha (ngati mtundu uwu ndiwodalirika; komabe, zochitikazo zinali zowonetsa "imfa yamdzina la chikondi").

Omasulira awiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha - katswiri wazamisala David MacWerter komanso wazamisala Andrew Mattison (1984) - adaphunzira ma 156 mwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha okhwima kwambiri. Mapeto awo: "Ngakhale maanja ambiri omwe amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amayamba zibwenzi ndi cholinga chofunitsitsa kuti akhalebe ogwirizana, maanja asanu ndi awiri okha paphunziroli adakhalabe ndi banja limodzi." Ndiye 4 peresenti. Koma onani zomwe zikutanthauza kukhala "osakwatirana kwathunthu": amunawa adati alibe zibwenzi zina nthawi yomweyi zosakwana zaka zisanu. Samalani chilankhulo chokhota cha olemba: mawu oti "kusunga mgwirizano wogonana" ndiosachita nawo zikhalidwe ndipo amagwira ntchito yabodza m'malo mwa "kukhulupirika." Ponena za anthu a 4 peresenti, titha kuneneratu molondola za iwo kuti ngakhale sananame, ubale wawo "wamuyaya" udasokonekera kanthawi kochepa pambuyo pake. Chifukwa awa ndi lamulo losasinthika. Zovuta za kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha sizingathe kusangalatsa: mnzake m'modzi ndi ochepa kwambiri chifukwa amuna ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amakhala ndi vuto losatha kukumana bwenzi losatheka kuchokera ku malingaliro awo. Kwenikweni, kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndi mwana wadyera, wanjala yamuyaya.

Mawu oti "wamanjenje»Amalongosola maubwenzi oterewa bwino, kutsindika kudzikonda kwawo: Kufufuza kosalekeza; kumangika nthawi zonse chifukwa chodandaula mobwerezabwereza: "Simumandikonda"; nsanje ndi kukayikirana: "Umakondweretsedwa ndi munthu wina." Mwachidule, "maubwenzi amanjenje" amaphatikizapo masewero amtundu uliwonse ndi mikangano yaubwana, komanso kusowa chidwi kwa wokondedwa, osanenapo zabodza zosaneneka za "chikondi." Kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha sikunamiziridwa mwa china chilichonse ndikudziwonetsa kuti ndi wokondedwa. Wokondedwa wina amafunika wina mpaka momwe angakwaniritsire zosowa zake. Chikondi chenicheni, chopanda dyera cha wokondedwayo chikhoza kutsogolera ku chiwonongeko cha "chikondi" cha amuna kapena akazi okhaokha! "Mgwirizano" wa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndi ubale wodalira "osauka" awiri, omwe amangodzipangira okha.

Kuchulukitsa kwa kudziwononga ndekha komanso kusokonekera

Chowonadi chakuti kusakhutira ndiye chimake cha moyo wamakhalidwe ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kumatsatira kuchuluka kwa kudzipha pakati pa "omwe amadzitcha" ogonana amuna okhaokha. Nthawi ndi nthawi malo olandirira achiwerewere amakhala ndi vuto la "mikangano yokhudzana ndi chikumbumtima" komanso "mavuto amisala" momwe amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amadziwika kuti amalowetsedwa ndi iwo omwe amati kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndi kwamakhalidwe osayenera. Mwanjira imeneyi, osauka, mutha kuwabweretsa kudzipha! Ndikudziwa vuto lina lodzipha lomwe amuna kapena akazi okhaokha achi Dutch omwe amatcha "kusamvana chikumbumtima" komwe kumayambitsidwa ndi kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, komwe panthawiyo kunkaimbidwa mokuwa mwawailesi. Nkhani yomvetsa chisoniyi idanenedwa kudziko lapansi ndi mnzake wa womwalirayo, yemwe amafuna kubwezera wansembe wina wamphamvu yemwe adamunyoza ndi mawu ake opanda tsankho okhudza kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. M'malo mwake, mnzake womangika anali osagonana konse. Anthu ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha omwe akuti adathetsa kulimbana kwa chikumbumtima "adawakakamiza" amadzipha nthawi zambiri kuposa amuna kapena akazi anzawo amsinkhu womwewo. Kafukufuku wa 1978 a Bell ndi Weinberg a gulu lalikulu la amuna kapena akazi okhaokha adapeza kuti 20% mwa iwo adayesera kudzipha, kuyambira 52% mpaka 88% pazifukwa zosagwirizana ndi kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Anthu ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha atha kufunafuna kapena kuyambitsa mikhalidwe yomwe angamve ngati ngwazi zowopsa. Malingaliro awo ofuna kudzipha nthawi zina amatenga "zionetsero" zazikulu motsutsana ndi dziko lowazungulira kuti awonetse momwe akumamenyedwera komanso kuzunzidwa. Mosazindikira, amafuna kusamba kuti adzimvere chisoni. Izi ndi zomwe zidalimbikitsa machitidwe achilendo a Tchaikovsky pomwe adamwa mwadala madzi akuda ochokera ku Neva, zomwe zidamupangitsa kudwala. Monga okonda zamankhwala am'zaka zam'mbuyomu omwe adamira ku Rhine, kudziponyera okha kuchokera kuphiri la Lorelei, amuna kapena akazi okhaokha masiku ano atha kufunafuna anzawo omwe ali ndi kachirombo ka HIV kuti adzitsimikizire za tsoka. Mnyamata wina wogonana monyadira adalengeza kuti adatenga Edzi mwadala kuti asonyeze "mgwirizano" ndi abwenzi angapo omwe adamwalira ndi matendawa. "Kuvomerezeka" kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha omwe amwalira ndi Edzi kumathandizira kuphedwa kumeneku mwaufulu.

Zovuta zakugonana zimawonetsanso kusakhutira ndi neurotic. Kafukufuku wopangidwa ndi MacWerter ndi Mattison adapeza kuti 43% ya mabanja ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha alibe mphamvu. Chizindikiro china chokhudzana ndi kugonana ndimagonana. Gulu lomwelo lowerengera, 60% adachita maliseche 2-3 nthawi pasabata (kuphatikiza pakugonana). Anthu ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amadziwikanso ndi zonyansa zambiri zakugonana, makamaka masochism ndi sadism; Kugonana kochepera kwambiri ndizosiyana (mwachitsanzo, kutengeka kwambiri ndi zovala zamkati, kukodza ndi kukodza).

Kusala achinyamata: kulera

Mkati, kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndi mwana (kapena wachinyamata). Chodabwitsa ichi chimadziwika kuti "mwana wodandaula wamkati". Ena mwa iwo amakhala achichepere pafupifupi pamachitidwe onse; kwa ambiri, kutengera malo ndi zochitika, "mwana" amasinthana ndi wamkulu.

Kwa munthu wamkulu yemwe amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, mawonekedwe, malingaliro ndi malingaliro ake a wachinyamata yemwe amadzimva kuti ndi wonyozeka ndizofala. Amakhalabe - mwa gawo - wopanda chitetezo, wosasungulumwa wosasangalala, popeza anali atatha msinkhu: wamanyazi, wamanjenje, wokakamira, "wosiyidwa", mnyamata wokonda mikangano yemwe amadzimva kuti wakanidwa ndi abambo ake ndi anzawo chifukwa cha mawonekedwe ake osasangalatsa (wopindika, milomo yolukana, wamtali: zomwe, mwa lingaliro lake, sizigwirizana ndi kukongola kwamwamuna); wawonongeka, mnyamata wankhanza; wachimuna, wamwano, wamanyazi; Mnyamata wosadziletsa, wovuta, koma wamantha, ndi zina zotero. Zinthu zonse zamunthu wamwamuna (kapena mtsikana) zimasungidwa bwino. Izi zikufotokozera mikhalidwe yamakhalidwe, monga kuyankhula zaunyamata kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, kufooka, kunyalanyaza, chisamaliro cha thupi, malankhulidwe, ndi zina zotero. Amuna okhaokha amatha kukhala msungwana wovulala, wopanduka; zovuta; olamulira omwe ali ndi njira yotsanzira kudzidalira kwa amuna; mtsikana wokhumudwa kwamuyaya, wopsa mtima yemwe amayi ake "sanamuganizepo," ndi zina zotero. Wachinyamata mkati mwa wamkulu. Ndipo unyamata wonse udakalipo: masomphenya a iwemwini, makolo ako ndi anthu ena.

Monga tanenera kale, malingaliro odziwika kwambiri ndi omwe amakhumudwitsidwa, kukanidwa, "ndasauka". Chifukwa chake kukwiya kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha; iwo "amatenga zopanda chilungamo," monga wamawonekedwe amisala Bergler ananenera, ndipo amadziona ngati ozunzidwa. Izi zikufotokozera sewero lodziyimira lokha la omenyera ufulu wawo, omwe amapusitsa ma neuroses awo kuti athandizidwe ndi anthu. Anazolowera kudzimvera chisoni, amakhala odandaula amkati (kapena otseguka), nthawi zambiri amadandaula kwanthawi yayitali. Kudzimvera chisoni sikutali ndi chiwonetsero. Kwa ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, kupandukira kwamkati (kapena kotseguka) ndi nkhanza kwa olakwira ndi "gulu" komanso kutsimikiza mtima ndizofala.

Zonsezi zimakhudza zovuta zakukonda amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Zovuta zake zimangoyang'ana yekha; ngati mwana, amafuna chidwi, kumukonda, kumuzindikira komanso kumusilira. Kudziyang'ana pa iye yekha kumamulepheretsa kukonda, kukhala ndi chidwi ndi ena, kutenga udindo kwa ena, kupereka ndi kutumikira (kumbukirani kuti nthawi zina ntchitoyo itha kukhala njira yokopa chidwi ndi kudzitsimikizira). Koma "Kodi ndizotheka ... kuti mwana akule ngati sakondedwa?" Akufunsa wolemba Baldwin (Siering 1988, 16). Komabe, kufunsa vutoli motere kumangosokoneza zinthu. Popeza kuti mwana yemwe amalakalaka atate wake atha kuchiritsidwa atapeza munthu wachikondi kuti alowe m'malo mwa abambo ake, kusakhwima kwake kumakhalabe chifukwa chodzitonthoza chifukwa chosowa chikondi, osati chifukwa chosowa chikondi zotero. Wachinyamata yemwe waphunzira kuvomereza kuvutika kwake, kukhululukira iwo omwe amukhumudwitsa - nthawi zambiri osadziwa za izi, pakuzunzika samadzichitira chisoni ndikutsutsa, ndipo chifukwa chake kuvutika kumamupangitsa kukhala wokhwima. Popeza munthu ndiwodzikonda mwachilengedwe, izi sizimachitika zokha, koma pamakhala zosiyana, makamaka ngati wachinyamata wovutitsidwa ndi malingaliro ali ndi cholowa m'malo mwa kholo lomwe lingamuthandize mderali. Baldwin, wotsimikiza zakuthekera kokulira mwana yemwe samakondedwa - mwina, amalankhula za iyemwini - samakhulupirira kuti ngakhale mwana (komanso wachinyamata) ali ndi ufulu ndipo amatha kuphunzira kukonda. Mankhwala ambiri am'magazi amatsatira machitidwe omwe amadzipangitsa okha "osakondedwa ndi wina aliyense" ndipo amafuna kuti anzawo azikukondani ndi kuwalipiritsa - kuchokera kwa okwatirana, abwenzi, ana, kuchokera pagulu. Nkhani za zigawenga zambiri zamanjenje ndizofanana. Atha kukhala kuti adavutikadi chifukwa chosowa chikondi m'mabanja awo, mwinanso kusiyidwa, kuchitidwa nkhanza; komabe, kufunitsitsa kwawo kubwezera, kusamvera kwawo chisoni dziko lapansi lomwe linali nkhanza kwambiri kwa iwo, sikungokhala kudzipereka kwachinyengo pakusowa chikondi. Mnyamatayo wodzikonda ali pachiwopsezo chokhala wokonda kudzikonda yemwe sangasinthe yemwe amadana ndi ena, chifukwa amadzimvera chisoni. Baldwin ali wolondola ponena za malingaliro ake ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, popeza sizitanthauza chikondi chenicheni, koma ludzu lokonda kutentha ndi nsanje.

"Mwana wamkati" amayang'ana kupyola magalasi a kutsika kwake pakati pa amuna ndi akazi kwa oimira osati amuna okhaokha, komanso otsutsana. "Theka laumunthu - lachikazi - silinakhalepo kwa ine mpaka posachedwa," wamwamuna wina adavomereza. Mu akazi, iye anawona chithunzi cha mayi wachikondi, monga nthawi zina anakwatiwa ndi amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, kapena omenyana nawo pakusaka chidwi cha amuna. Chibwenzi ndi mkazi wazaka zomwezo chitha kukhala chowopseza kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, chifukwa pokhudzana ndi akazi achikulire, amadzimva ngati mwana yemwe samakwaniritsa udindo wamwamuna. Izi ndizowona kunja kwa kugonana kwa ubale wamwamuna ndi mkazi. Lesbibi amaonanso amuna ngati opikisana nawo: mwa malingaliro awo, dziko likadakhala labwino popanda amuna; pafupi ndi mwamuna, amadzimva osatetezeka, kupatula apo, amuna amatenga abwenzi awo kupita nawo. Anthu ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha nthawi zambiri samvetsa tanthauzo la ukwati kapena ubale wapakati pa mwamuna ndi mkazi, amawayang'ana ndi kaduka ndipo nthawi zambiri ndi udani, popeza "gawo" lenileni la umuna kapena ukazi limawakwiyitsa; ndiko kuti, kuyang'ana kwa mlendo yemwe amadziona ngati wonyozeka.

Pagulu, ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha (makamaka amuna) nthawi zina amakhala osokoneza bongo kuti azidzimvera chisoni. Ena amapanga kupembedza kwenikweni kopeza mabwenzi ochulukirapo, kuphunzira maluso a chithumwa, ndikuwapatsa chithunzi chocheza. Amafuna kukhala okondedwa kwambiri, anyamata okondedwa kwambiri pakati pawo - ichi ndi chizolowezi chokwanira mopambanitsa. Komabe, samadzimva chimodzimodzi ndi ena: mwina kutsika kapena kupitilira (kulipira mopambanitsa). Kudzikakamiza kopitilira muyeso kumakhala ndi chisonyezo chamalingaliro achichepere komanso malingaliro amwana. Chitsanzo chochititsa manyazi cha nkhaniyi ndi nkhani ya wachigololo wachichepere, wamfupi, wamaso achi Dutch. Pomva kuti sakudziwika ndi anzawo okongola komanso olemera, adaganiza zopanga maloto ake a ndalama, kutchuka komanso zapamwamba (Korver ndi Gowaars 1988, 13). Poyesetsa kuti adzilimbikitse, adapeza chuma chambiri ali ndi zaka zoposa makumi awiri. M'nyumba yake yachifumu ku Hollywood, adachita maphwando akulu, omwe adakhalapo ndi anthu wamba. Pogwiritsa ntchito ndalama zambiri pa iwo, adagula kukondedwa ndi chidwi chawo. Iye adakhala nyenyezi, nthawi zonse ankazunguliridwa ndi omusilira, ovala bwino komanso okonzeka bwino. Tsopano akanatha kukwanitsa okonda ake. Koma kwenikweni, nthano zonsezi zomwe zidakhala zenizeni zinali zonama - zonsezi "ubwenzi "," chikondi "," kukongola ", zonsezi" kupambana pagulu. " Aliyense amene amadziwa kufunika kwa moyo woterewu amamvetsetsa kuti ndizopanda tanthauzo. Chuma chonsechi adachipeza chifukwa chogwiritsa ntchito mankhwala osokoneza bongo, ziwembu komanso chinyengo. Khalidwe lake limadalira psychopathy: anali wopanda chidwi ndi tsogolo la ena, kwa omwe adamuzunza, "adawonetsa lilime lake" pagulu posangalala ndi kubwezera kokoma. Zilibe kanthu kuti adamwalira ndi Edzi ali ndi zaka 35, chifukwa, monga adadzitamandira atatsala pang'ono kumwalira, adakhala moyo "wachuma" chotere. Katswiri wa zamaganizo adzawona m'malingaliro ake "mwana", "mwana" wokhumudwa; wopemphapempha, mlendo onyansa, wofuna chuma ndi abwenzi; mwana yemwe adakula mwankhanza, osatha kukhazikitsa ubale wokhwima pakati pa anthu, wogula womvetsa chisoni wa "maubwenzi." Maganizo ake owononga pokhudzana ndi anthu adapangidwa ndikumverera kuti akukanidwa: "Ndilibe ngongole yawo!"

Kulingalira koteroko sikwachilendo pakati pa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, chifukwa izi zimachitika chifukwa cha zovuta za "omwe sianthu". Pachifukwa ichi, ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amawonedwa ngati zinthu zosadalirika mu gulu kapena bungwe lililonse. “Mwana wamkati” mwa iwo akupitilizabe kukhala wokanidwa ndikuwachitira nkhanza. Amuna ambiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha (onse amuna ndi akazi) amafuna kupanga yawoyawo, yabodza, dziko lomwe lingakhale "labwino" kuposa lenileni, "chisomo"; osalankhula, osangalatsa, odzaza ndi "maulendo", zodabwitsa ndi zoyembekeza, misonkhano yapadera ndi ozindikira, koma zenizeni zodzaza ndi malingaliro osagwirizana ndi maulamuliro apamwamba: kuganiza kwa achinyamata.

Kwa anthu omwe ali ndi vuto logonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, kulumikizana kwamaganizidwe ndi makolo awo kumakhalabe kofanana ndi momwe adaliri muubwana ndi unyamata: kwa amuna, kumadalira mayi; kunyansidwa, kunyoza, mantha, kapena kusasamala za abambo; malingaliro okhudzana ndi amayi komanso (nthawi zambiri) kudalira bambo mwa akazi. Kusakhwima m'maganizo kumeneku kumawonekeranso poti ndi amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amene amafuna ana chifukwa nawonso, monga ana, amadzilingalira kwambiri ndipo amafuna kuti chidwi chawo chonse chikhale chawo.

Mwachitsanzo, amuna kapena akazi okhaokha omwe adabereka mwana pambuyo pake adavomereza kuti amangofuna kuseketsa, "ngati kuti ndi galu wopatsa chidwi. Aliyense amatiganizira pamene ife, amuna okongola amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, timalowa naye. " Mabanja a Lesbian ofuna kukhala ndi mwana achite zolinga zadyera zomwezo. "Amasewera mwana wamkazi", potero amafufuza banja lenileni, akuchita zinthu modzitukumula chifukwa chokhala ndi malingaliro olimba. Nthawi zina, amakhala akuyesetsa mwamphamvu kuti agone ndi mwana wawo wamkazi wogonana osakwatirana. Boma, kulembetsa maukwati amtundu woterewu, ndilo limachititsa kuti izi zichitike, koma nkhanza kwambiri kwa ana. Ofuna kusintha chikhalidwe amtundu omwe amayesa kukakamiza malingaliro awo openga okhudzana ndi "banjali", kuphatikiza banja la amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, amasokoneza anthu, monga mbali zina zokhudzana ndi kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Kuti athandizire kukhazikitsidwa movomerezeka ndi "makolo" ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, iwo amatchulanso maphunziro omwe "amatsimikizira" kuti ana oleredwa ndi amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amakula mwanzeru. "Maphunziro" oterowo si oyenera pepala lomwe amalembapo. Awa ndi mabodza abodza. Aliyense amene ali ndi chidziwitso chodalirika chokhudza ana omwe anali ndi "makolo" oterewa ndi omwe adalandira chitukuko choyenera amadziwa zovuta zomwe ali nazo. (Kuti mumve zambiri pakufufuza kwa makolo ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, onani Cameron 1994).

Mwachidule: mawonekedwe ofunikira a psyche ya mwana ndiunyamata ndikulingalira modzikonda. Umunthu waubwana komanso unyamata wa munthu wamkulu wokhala ndi vuto logonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha umadzaza ndiubwana ndipo nthawi zina amakhala wodzikonda. Kudzimvera chisoni, kudzimvera chisoni komanso kudziyesa wofanana naye, komanso "kukopa" kukopa maubale chifukwa chofuna "kukopa chidwi" ndi njira zina zodzikometsera komanso kudzikongoletsa, ndizopanda khanda, ndiye kuti, egocentric. Mwa njira, anthu mwachilengedwe amamva ngati "mwana" ndipo amatenga mwayi wokhudzana ndi wachibale wa amuna kapena akazi anzawo, mnzake kapena mnzake wogonana naye, akumamuchitira ngati mwana wapadera, "wosatetezeka".

Palibe kukayika kuti maubale omwe amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndi "zibwenzi" zimadziwika ndi chizindikiro cha khanda. Monga ubale wa abwenzi awiri apachifuwa ,ubwenzi wachinyamata uno uli ndi nsanje yopanda tanthauzo, mikangano, kusakhuzana, kusakwiya ndi kuwopseza, ndipo mosalephera kumatha ndi sewero. Ngati "akusewera banja", ndiye kuti izi ndi zachinyengo za ana, zopusa ndipo nthawi yomweyo zimakhala zomvetsa chisoni. Wolemba amuna kapena akazi okhaokha achi Dutch, Luis Cooperus, yemwe adakhala kumayambiriro kwa zaka za m'ma 1900, adanenapo za ludzu lake laubwana wokhala ndiubwenzi ndi amalume ake osangalala, olimba, odalirika:

“Ndinkafuna kukhala ndi amalume Frank nthawi zonse, kwamuyaya! M'maganizo anga aubwana, ndimaganiza kuti amalume anga ndi ine ndife okwatirana "(Van den Aardweg 1965). Kwa mwana, ukwati wabwinobwino ndi chitsanzo cha momwe awiri angakhalire limodzi. Awiri achisoni osungulumwa "ana amkati" mkati mwa amuna awiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amatha kutsanzira ubale wotere m'malingaliro awo - bola masewerawa atha. Izi ndizabwino za ana awiri opanda nzeru omwe akukanidwa ndi dziko lapansi. Magazini ina inalemba chithunzi cha mwambo wa "ukwati" muholo yamzinda wa azimayi awiri achi Dutch. Mosakayikira inali chiwonetsero chaunyamata cha kudziyimira pawokha komanso kudzilimbitsa, komanso masewera owonekera pabanja. Mmodzi mwa azimayi awiriwo, wamtali komanso wolemera kwambiri, anali atavala suti ya mkwati wakuda, ndipo winayo, wamfupi komanso woonda, atavala mkwatibwi. Chithunzi cha ana chamakhalidwe a amalume achikulire ndi azakhali awo ndi "kudzipereka kwamuyaya". Koma omwe amadziwika kuti ndi anthu abwinobwino ankachita misala, ngati kuti amavomereza masewerawa. Akadakhala oona mtima kwa iwo eni, amayenera kuvomereza kuti malingaliro ndi malingaliro awo amawona chilichonse chomwe chimachitika ngati nthabwala yoyipa.

Neurotic chifukwa cha tsankho?

"Kuyambira ndili mwana ndinali wosiyana ndi aliyense." Amuna okhaokha ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, mwina theka, amatha kulankhula za izi. Komabe, akulakwitsa ngati atenga malingaliro osiyana ndi kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Kuvomereza kolakwika kwa kusiyanasiyana kwaubwana ngati chiwonetsero komanso chitsimikizo cha chikhalidwe cha amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kumatsimikizira kufunitsitsa kofotokozera za kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, monga momwe zidalembedwera ntchito yodziwitsidwa ya psychoanalyst R.A. Aiseya (1989). Choyamba, chiphunzitso chake cha kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha sichingatchulidwe konse. Sayankha funso lokhudza (zifukwa), powayesa "osafunikira", chifukwa "palibe chomwe chingachitike" (Schnabel 1993, 3). Ngakhale zili choncho, mfundozi sizotsutsana ndi sayansi. Kodi ndizotheka kunena kuti zomwe zimayambitsa khansa, umbanda, uchidakwa ndizosafunika chifukwa choti sitingathe kuchiritsa mitundu yambiri yamatendawa? Kukwiya kwa wolemba ndikudzudzula zinali chifukwa chokwatirana ndi zolephera zake pakuchita zamaganizidwe. Adayesa, koma adalephera, kenako adathawira munjira yodzifotokozera yodzilungamitsa: kuyitanitsa zoyesayesa kuti asinthe ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, ozunzidwa, milandu, ndi "chikhalidwe" chawo - chinthu chosagwedezeka, mopanda kukaikira kulikonse. Amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ambiri omwe sanasangalale achita motere. Wotsogola waku France wa gulu logonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha André Gide, kusiya mkazi wake ndikuyamba zochitika zamanyazi, adatenga izi m'ma XNUMX: "Ndine amene ndili. Ndipo palibe chomwe chingachitike. " Uwu ndiye mkhalidwe wodzitchinjiriza wa wogonjetsa omwe amadzimvera chisoni. Zomveka, mwina - komabe nkudzinyenga. Munthu amene amataya amadziwa kuti ataya chifukwa chosowa mphamvu komanso kusakhulupirika. Aisei, mwachitsanzo, pang'onopang'ono adayamba kukhala moyo wachiphamaso wofunafuna kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha komanso bambo ndi dokotala wolemekezeka. Mwa ichi ali ngati "akale" omwe amayembekeza kusiya amuna kapena akazi okhaokha potembenukira ku chikhristu, koma sangathe kutsimikiza kuti "akumasulidwa," ndikutaya chiyembekezo. Kuphatikiza apo, amazunzidwa ndi "chikumbumtima cholakwa". Malongosoledwe awo samalamulidwa ndi malingaliro, koma podziteteza.

Monga katswiri wazamisala, Aisei sakanakhoza koma kuvomereza kukhalapo kwa mikhalidwe yambiri "yamatenda ndi yopotozedwa" mwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha (Schnabel), komabe amawafotokozera chifukwa chokana nthawi yayitali: ndi abambo ake, anzawo, komanso gulu. Neurotic? Izi ndi zotsatira za tsankho. Lingaliro limeneli silatsopano; nthawi zonse anthu ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha omwe amavomereza kuti ali ndi malingaliro amisala, koma amapewa kuganizira zogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha mothandizidwa ndi chowonadi. Komabe, ndizosatheka kusiyanitsa chilakolako chogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndi neurosis. Ndakhala ndikumva mobwerezabwereza kuchokera kwa makasitomala kuti: "Ndikufuna kuchotsa matenda amitsempha, zimasokoneza kulumikizana ndi amuna kapena akazi anzanga. Ndikufuna kuchita zogonana, koma sindikufuna kusintha malingaliro anga ogonana. " Kodi mungayankhe bwanji pempholi? “Tikayamba kulimbana ndi nkhawa yanu komanso kudziona kuti ndinu woperewera, zingakhudze mtima wofuna kugonana ndi amuna kapena akazi anzanu. Chifukwa ndi chiwonetsero cha matenda amitsempha. " Ndipo kotero izo ziri. Akamachepetsa nkhawa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, amakhala wolimba mtima kwambiri, samadzikonda kwambiri, ndipo samadzimva kukhala wamasiye.

Lingaliro lakunja lodzitchinjiriza la Aisei - komanso la amuna kapena akazi okhaokha - lingawoneke ngati lokopa. Komabe, polimbana ndi zowona zamaganizidwe, amayamba kugwa. Tiyerekeze kuti "chikhalidwe cha amuna kapena akazi okhaokha" mwanjira inayake chimachokera kwa mwana kuchokera pobadwa kapena adangobadwa kumene. Kodi atate ochulukirapo angathe "kukana" ana otere pachifukwa ichi? Kodi abambo ndi ankhanza kwambiri chifukwa ana awo ali "osiyana" ndi ena (ndipo amawakana ngakhale zisanachitike kuti "kusiyana" kumeneku ndi "chikhalidwe" cha amuna kapena akazi okhaokha)? Mwachitsanzo, kodi abambo amakana ana olumala? Inde sichoncho! Inde, ngakhale mwana wamng'ono ali ndi "chikhalidwe" chosiyana, ndiye, ngakhale, mwina, padzakhala mtundu wina wa abambo omwe angamukane, koma pali ena ambiri omwe angayankhe ndi chisamaliro ndi chithandizo.

Komanso. Kwa munthu yemwe amamvetsetsa zamaganizidwe a ana, zingaoneke zopusa kuganiza kuti anyamata ang'onoang'ono amayamba moyo wokonda kukondana ndi abambo awo (omwe, malinga ndi malingaliro a Aisei, amachokera ku chikhalidwe chawo chogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha). Malingaliro awa amapotoza zenizeni. Anyamata ambiri omwe anali asanakwane amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amafuna kutentha, kukumbatiridwa, kuvomerezedwa ndi abambo awo - palibe chomwe chimalimbikitsa zolaula. Ndipo ngati abambo adawakana poyankha, kapena kwa iwo amawoneka kuti "awakana", ndiye kodi zinali zowona kuti amayenera kukhutitsidwa ndi malingaliro otere kwa iwo okha?

Tsopano pokhudza kumverera kwa "kusiyana." Palibe nthano ya "chilengedwe" cha amuna kapena akazi okhaokha yomwe imafunikira kuti imfotokozere. Mnyamata yemwe ali ndi malingaliro achikazi, kufikira amayi ake, wokhala kwambiri, wopanda bambo kapena bambo wina ali mwana, angamadzimve kukhala "wosiyana" ndi anyamata omwe akula mikhalidwe komanso zofuna zawo. Kumbali inayi, kumverera kwa "kusiyana" sikuli, monga Aisei akutsimikizira, mwayi wokayikitsa wa amuna omwe ali amuna asanagonane. Ambiri amisala omwe anali amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amamva "osiyana" paubwana wawo. Mwanjira ina, palibe chifukwa chakuwona izi ngati chikhalidwe cha amuna kapena akazi okhaokha.

Lingaliro la Aisei limakumana ndi zovuta zina. Ambiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha analibe lingaliro la "kusiyana" kufikira unyamata. Muubwana, adadzizindikira okha ngati gawo la kampaniyo, koma chifukwa chakusamuka, kupita kusukulu ina, ndi zina zambiri, adayamba kudzipatula, chifukwa m'malo atsopano sakanatha kuzolowera omwe anali osiyana ndi anzawo, azachuma, kapena ena. china.

Ndipo pamapeto pake, ngati wina amakhulupirira kuti amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ali ndi vuto logonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, akuyeneranso kukhulupilira zachiwerewere, zachikazi, zachisomasochistic, zoophilic, transvestic, ndi ena. mazenera azimayi. Ndipo Mholanzi yemwe adamangidwa posachedwa chifukwa choloza "kosaletseka" kukazonda azimayi osamba kwa zaka zisanu ndi zitatu atha kudzitamandira ndi "chikhalidwe" chowonera! Ndiye mkazi wachichepere yemwe, akumva kuti sakufunidwa ndi abambo ake, modzipereka adadzipereka kwa amuna okulirapo kuposa zaka khumi, mosakayikira anali ndi "chikhalidwe" chachilendo chosiyana ndi chikhalidwe chabwinobwino cha amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, ndipo kukhumudwitsidwa kwake komwe kumalumikizidwa ndi mawonekedwe a abambo ndi mwayi chabe.

Aisei yemwe amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amadziwonetsera yekha kuti ndiwopanda tanthauzo, wodabwitsa. Masomphenya oterowo, makamaka, amadzivulaza. Zingakhale zomvetsa chisoni kwambiri chifukwa cha zomwe zimachitika pachimenechi. Ngati lingaliro la Isay lonena za "chikhalidwe" cha amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndilowona, kodi kusakhazikika kwamalingaliro kwa ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, "ubwana" wake komanso kudzidera nkhawa mopitirira muyeso ndi gawo la chikhalidwe chosasinthika komanso chosamveka ichi?

Neurotic chifukwa cha tsankho? Anthu ambiri okonda kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amavomereza kuti sanavutike kwambiri ndi tsankho chifukwa chodziwa kuti sangathe kukhala moyo wabwinobwino. Ochirikiza okhawo omwe amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha adzalengeza kuti: "Inde, koma kuvutikaku ndi chifukwa cha kusankhidwa kwamkati mwa anthu. Sangavutike ngati anthu angaone kuti kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndi njira yodziwika bwino. ” Zonsezi ndi lingaliro lotsika mtengo. Ndi m'modzi yekhayo amene safuna kuwona zozizwitsa zomwe zimachitika pakubadwa kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndi zina zomwe zingaphwanye kugonana.

Chifukwa chake, dongosolo la zinthu silili ngati mwana azindikira mwadzidzidzi kuti: "Ndine amuna kapena akazi okhaokha", Zotsatira zake Amadziwika kuti ndi neurotization kuchokera kwa inu kapena anthu ena. Kufufuza kolondola kwa ma psychohistory a amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kumawonetsa kuti poyamba amadzimva kuti "osakhala anzawo", amachititsidwa manyazi ndi anzawo, kusungulumwa, kusakonda kholo lawo, ndi zina zotero. Ndipo zikuwonekeratu kuti pazifukwa izi amagwa pakukhumudwa ndikudzipereka ku matenda amisala ... Kukopa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha sikuwonekera kale, koma после и Zotsatira zake malingaliro okanidwa awa.

Amuna ogonana osaneneka?

Kodi alipo? Wina akhoza kuyankha motsimikiza ngati kusankhana pakati pa anthu ndiomwe kumayambitsa mavuto osagwirizana am'maganizo, ogonana komanso ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Koma kukhalapo kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha omwe siamatsenga ndi zopeka. Izi zitha kuwonedwa pakuwunika komanso chidwi cha anthu omwe amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Kuphatikiza apo, pali kulumikizana kotsimikizika pakati pa kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndi ma psychoneuroses osiyanasiyana, monga ma syndromes okakamira komanso kuphulika, phobias, mavuto amisala, kukhumudwa kwa neurotic ndi mayiko okhumudwa.

Malinga ndi kafukufuku wogwiritsa ntchito mayeso amisala, magulu onse aanthu ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha omwe adayezetsa bwino kuti adziwe matenda a neurosis kapena "neuroticism" awonetsa zotsatira zabwino. Kuphatikiza apo, mosasamala kanthu kuti testitor anali osinthidwa ndi anthu kapena ayi, onse kupatula adalembedwa ngati ma neurotic (Van den Aardweg, 1986).

[Chenjezo: mayeso ena amaperekedwa mosapindulitsa ngati mayeso a neurosis, ngakhale sanatero.]

Anthu ena omwe akudwala matendawa poyamba sangawonekere ngati amtunduwu. Nthawi zina amakamba za amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kuti nthawi zonse amakhala wokondwa komanso wokhutira komanso samayambitsa mavuto. Komabe, ngati mumudziwa bwino ndikuphunzira zambiri za moyo wake wamkati komanso zamkati, malingaliro awa sangatsimikizidwe. Monga momwe zimakhalira ndi maukwati “okhazikika, osangalala, komanso olimba amuna kapena akazi okhaokha,” kuyang'ana patali sikutanthauza kuti lingaliro loyamba ndi lotani.

Nthawi zambiri muzikhalidwe zina?

"Chikhalidwe chathu cha Chiyuda ndi Chikhristu sichimavomereza 'kusiyanasiyana' kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, mosiyana ndi zikhalidwe zina zomwe zimawawona ngati chikhalidwe" ndi nthano ina. Osati pachikhalidwe chilichonse kapena munthawi iliyonse momwe kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha - kumamveka ngati kokopa kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha mwamphamvu kuposa oimira anzawo - sikunali kofala. Kugonana pakati pa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, pamlingo wina, kumaonedwa ngati kovomerezeka m'miyambo ina, makamaka ngati ndi yokhudza miyambo yachinyamata. Koma kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha nthawi zonse kumaganiziridwa kuti sikunali koyenera.

Ndipo komabe pazikhalidwe zina, kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha sikofala ngati kwathu. Kodi kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kumachitika bwanji pachikhalidwe chathu? Nthawi zambiri kuposa zomwe amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amaganiza. Amunthu amene amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amakhala ndi gawo limodzi mpaka magawo awiri a anthu ambiri, kuphatikizapo bisex. Chiwerengerochi, chomwe chingatengedwe kuchokera pazitsanzo zomwe zilipo (Van den Aardweg 1986, 18), idavomerezedwa posachedwa ndi Alan Guttmacher Institute (1993) ngati zoona ku United States. Ku UK, kuchuluka kumeneku ndi 1,1 (Wellings et al. 1994; pa chidziwitso chodalirika kwambiri pankhaniyi, onani Cameron 1993, 19).

Mwa anthu masauzande angapo a fuko laling'ono la Sambia ku New Guinea, panali amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. M'malo mwake, anali pedophile (Stoller ndi Gerdt 1985, 401). Silinafotokoze zonyasa za kugonana kwake, koma machitidwe ake onse: anali "ozizira", "wosagwirizana ndi anthu" (adawonetsa kunyazitsidwa, kusatetezeka), "wosungidwa", "wosasangalatsa", "wodziwika chifukwa chamwano". Uku ndikulongosola kwa wamanjenje, wowonekera kunja yemwe amadzimva kuti amachititsidwa manyazi komanso amadana ndi "ena."

Mwamuna uyu anali "wodziwika" popewa ntchito zamwamuna monga kusaka ndi kumenya momwe angathere, posankha kulima ndiwo zamasamba, zomwe zinali ntchito ya amayi ake. Udindo wake pamalingaliro azikhalidwe zimapereka chidziwitso pazomwe zimayambitsa matenda amiseche. Anali mwana wamwamuna yekhayo wapathengo wosiyidwa ndi mwamuna wake motero ananyozedwa ndi fuko lonse. Zikuwoneka kuti mkazi wosiyidwa wosungulumwa adamumangiriza mwamunayo mnyamatayo, ndichifukwa chake sanakule ngati anyamata wamba - zomwe zimafanana ndi anyamata omwe amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha mchikhalidwe chathu, omwe amayi awo amawazindikira ngati ana ndipo, abambo atakhala, amakhala nawo kwambiri kuyandikira. Amayi a mnyamatayo adakwiya ndi mtundu wonse wamwamuna ndipo chifukwa chake, monga ena angaganizire, sanasamale kutulutsa "mwamuna weniweni" mwa iye. Ubwana wake unkadziwika ndikudzipatula komanso kukanidwa - mwana wamanyazi wamayi wosiyidwa. Ndikofunikira kuti, mosiyana ndi anyamata azaka zake, malingaliro azakugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha adayamba adakali mwana. Zopeka sizimafotokoza zambiri zakugonana mwa izo zokha monga zothandiza kuthana ndi mikangano yamphamvu. Poterepa, izi ndi zachidziwikire, popeza kuti anyamata onse amtunduwu adaphunzitsidwa zogonana: choyamba, ndi ana okulirapo, ngati othandizana nawo; ndiye, akamakula, limodzi ndi achichepere, ngati achangu. Cholinga cha mwambowu ndichakuti achinyamata azilandira mphamvu za akulu awo. Ali ndi zaka makumi awiri amakwatirana. Ndipo chochititsa chidwi, ndikufika kwa mwambowu, awo malingaliro amakhala osakwatirana ngakhale anali ndi chizolowezi chogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Amuna okhaokha ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha m'fuko lomwe adayesedwa ndi Stoller ndi Gerdt, kugona ndi anyamata okalamba mofanana ndi anyamata ena, mwachionekere sanamve kulumikizana nawo, popeza malingaliro ake okonda zachiwerewere anali pa anyamata... Kuchokera apa titha kunena kuti momvetsa chisoni adakanidwa ndi anzawo ndipo adadzimva kuti ndi wosiyana, makamaka ndi anyamata ena, wakunja.

Chitsanzo cha fuko la Sambia chikuwonetsa kuti zochitika zogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha sizofanana ndi zofuna zogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha "kwenikweni" kumachitika kawirikawiri m'mitundu yambiri. Kashmiri wophunzira nthawi ina adandiuza kukhudzika kwake kuti amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kulibe m'dziko lawo, ndipo ndidamvanso chimodzimodzi kuchokera kwa wansembe yemwe adagwira ntchito zaka zopitilira makumi anayi kumpoto chakum'mawa kwa Brazil, nzika ya kuderalo. Titha kunena kuti pakhoza kukhala milandu zobisika, ngakhale izi sizikutsimikizika. Zitha kuganiziridwanso kuti kusiyana komwe kumachitika anyamata ndi atsikana m'maiko amenewo, ndikuti kuchitira limodzi anyamata ngati anyamata ndi atsikana ngati atsikana, ndi ulemu woyenera, ndi njira yabwino kwambiri yodzitetezera. Anyamata amalimbikitsidwa kuti azimva ngati anyamata ndipo atsikana amalimbikitsidwa kuti azimva ngati atsikana.

Kuchepetsa

Kuwerenga fuko la Sambia kumatha kuthandizira kumvetsetsa momwe kunyenga kumathandizira kukulitsa kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Kusokeretsa sikungaganizidwe ngati chinthu chofunikira kwambiri kwa ana ndi achinyamata omwe ali ndi chidaliro chabadwa pakati pa amuna ndi akazi. Komabe, ndikofunikira kuposa momwe yakhalira kwa zaka makumi angapo. Kafukufuku wina wachingerezi adapeza kuti ngakhale 35% ya anyamata ndi 9% ya atsikana omwe adafunsidwa adavomereza kuti adayesa kuwakopa kuti agonane nawo, ndi 2% yokha ya anyamata ndi 1% ya atsikana omwe adavomereza. Poterepa, titha kuwona izi mwanjira ina. Sizingachitike kuganiza kuti kunyenga kumatha kukhala kovulaza ngati wachinyamata ali ndi vuto lochepera pakati pa amuna ndi akazi kapena malingaliro ake atha kuyamba kuyang'ana kwambiri za amuna kapena akazi. Kusokereza, mwanjira ina, kumatha kulimbikitsa kukhazikika kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, ndipo nthawi zina kumatha kuyambitsa zilakolako zogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha omwe sakhala otetezeka pankhaniyi. Amuna ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha andiuza kangapo izi. Nkhani yofanana ndi iyi: "Mnyamata wina wamwamuna yemwe ndimagonana naye amandichitira mokoma mtima ndipo adandimvera chisoni. Anayesa kundinyengerera, koma poyamba ndinakana. Pambuyo pake ndidayamba kuganiza zogonana ndi wachinyamata wina yemwe ndimamukonda komanso yemwe ndimafuna kucheza naye. " Chifukwa chake, kusokeretsa sikuli kosalakwa monga ena amafuna kutitsimikizira za izi (lingaliro ili ndi kufalitsa nkhani zakugonana ndi kukhazikitsidwa kwa ana ndi amuna kapena akazi okhaokha). Momwemonso, "chikhalidwe chogonana" mnyumba - zolaula, makanema ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha - atha kulimbikitsanso chidwi chomwe sichinafotokozeredwe. Anthu ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha atha kukhala ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ngati atakhala kuti alibe malingaliro ogonana amuna kapena akazi anzawo munthawi yovuta yaunyamata wosakhazikika. Amatha kupitilira mwakachetechete msinkhu wawo, makamaka mopepuka, kukondana ndi anzawo komanso mafano azakugonana. Kwa atsikana ena, kukopa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kumathandizira, kapena kulimbikitsidwa, zomwe adakumana nazo kale. Komabe, izi sizingaganizidwe chifukwa chokhacho; Sitiyenera kuiwala za kulumikizana ndikukula kwakumverera kwa ukazi.

5. Kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha komanso chikhalidwe

Kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha komanso chikumbumtima

Mutu wa chikumbumtima umasamaliridwa kwambiri ndi zamakono zamisala komanso zamisala. Mawu osalolera amakhalidwe abwino osintha malingaliro a chikumbumtima, omwe amatchedwa kuti freudgo wa Freud, sangathe kufotokozera zamphamvu za momwe munthu alili wamakhalidwe abwino. Mkuluyu amafotokozedwa kuti ndi wathunthu wamalamulo onse amakhalidwe. Khalidwe "labwino" ndi "loyipa" silimadalira kakhalidwe, koma pamakhalidwe, malamulo. Malingaliro a chiphunzitso ichi amati zikhalidwe ndi zoyenera zimagwirizana komanso zimagwirizana: "Ndine ndani kuti ndikuuzeni zabwino ndi zoyipa; zanzeru ndi zosayenera. ”

M'malo mwake, aliyense, kuphatikiza munthu wamakono, njira imodzi kapena ina, momveka bwino "amadziwa" za kukhalapo kwa "kwamuyaya", monga momwe amatchulidwira ngakhale ndi malamulo akale, amakhalidwe abwino ndipo nthawi yomweyo mosadalira amasiyanitsa pakati pa kuba, mabodza, chinyengo, kuwukira boma, kupha , kugwiriridwa, ndi zina zotero monga zoyipa zoyipa (zochita mwa iwo eni ndizoyipa), ndi kuwolowa manja, kulimba mtima, kuwona mtima ndi kukhulupirika - zabwino komanso zokongola kwenikweni. Ngakhale chikhalidwe ndi chiwerewere ndizodziwika kwambiri pamakhalidwe a ena (Wilson 1993), timasiyanitsanso izi. Pali kusankhana kwamkati mwazolakwa zomwe timachita molakwika komanso zolinga zathu, ngakhale atayesetsa bwanji kusiyanitsa izi, kuti asasiye izi ndi zolinga zawo. Chiweruzo chamkati chamakhalidwechi ndi ntchito yazidziwitso zenizeni. Ngakhale zili zowona kuti ziwonetsero zina zodzitsutsa pamakhalidwe ndizosasangalatsa ndipo kuwunika kwa chikumbumtima kumakhala kolakwika, nthawi zambiri chikumbumtima chaumunthu chimapereka umboni wazikhalidwe zomwe zili zoposa "malingaliro atsankho". Tidzasowa malo tikayamba kupereka zambiri zamaganizidwe ndi zowona kuti tithandizire izi. Komabe, kwa wopenyerera wopanda tsankho, kukhalapo kwa "chidziwitso chenicheni" ndichodziwikiratu.

Izi sizabwino, chifukwa chikumbumtima ndichinthu chamatsenga chomwe chimanyalanyazidwa mosavuta pokambirana pamitu yonga kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Mwachitsanzo, sitinganyalanyaze zochitika zakupondereza chikumbumtima, zomwe, malinga ndi Kierkegaard, ndizofunikira kwambiri kuposa kupondereza kugonana. Kupondereza chikumbumtima sikungakhale kwathunthu komanso kopanda zotsatirapo, ngakhale mu zomwe zimatchedwa psychopaths. Kuzindikira kulakwa kapena, mwanjira zachikhristu, uchimo umapitilizabe kukhala mumtima.

Kudziwa chidziwitso chenicheni ndi kuponderezedwa ndikofunikira kwambiri pamtundu uliwonse wa "psychotherapy". Chifukwa chikumbumtima chimagwira nawo ntchito nthawi zonse.

(Fanizo lakuwona kwamalingaliro kuti zilakolako zakugonana sizimawonedwa ngati zachiwerewere monga zikhumbo zakugonana za ena ndiko kukana kwamakhalidwe ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kwa ana ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Pofunsa mafunso, hule logonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ochokera ku Amsterdam adatsanulira mitsinje ya mkwiyo kwa mnzake wogonana naye, akuwatcha kuti "achiwerewere." : "Kugonana ndi ana ang'onoang'ono otere!" Ananenanso kuti akuyembekeza kuti wolakwayo adzalangidwa ndikumenyedwa bwino ("De Telegraaf" 1993, 19). Lingaliro limangobwera m'mutu: kugwiritsa ntchito ana osalakwa ndi achinyamata kuti akhutiritse wina Chilakolako chopotoza - ichi ndi chonyansa. ”Munthuyu wasonyeza kuthekera kwake pamakhalidwe abwinobwino pamakhalidwe a anthu ena, ndipo nthawi yomweyo - khungu pakuwunika zoyesayesa zawo zokopa achichepere ndi achikulire pazinthu zosiyanasiyana zogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha komanso kupindulitsa pa ndalama zawo: khungu lomwelo, zomwe mnzakeyo amadabwa nazo zokhudzana ndi chiwerewere chake.)

Wotchipa yemwe samamvetsetsa izi, sangamvetsetse zomwe zikuchitika mu moyo wamakasitomala ambiri, ndipo ali pachiwopsezo cholankhula molakwika mbali zofunika m'miyoyo yawo ndikuzivulaza. Kusagwiritsa ntchito kuunika kwa chikumbumtima cha kasitomala, ngakhale kuli kovuta bwanji, kumatanthauza kulakwitsa posankha njira zoyenera kwambiri komanso njira zoyenera. Palibe katswiri wamakono wamakhalidwe omwe adatchula ntchito zenizeni (m'malo mwa Freudian ersatz) ngati munthu wamkulu mwa munthuyo, ngakhale odwala omwe ali ndi vuto lalikulu pamaganizidwe, molimba kwambiri kuposa katswiri wazamisala wambiri wa ku France dzina lake Henri Baryuk (1979).

Ngakhale zili choncho, ambiri masiku ano zimawavuta kukhulupirira kuti, kuwonjezera pamakhalidwe apadziko lonse lapansi, payenera kukhala miyezo yokhudzana ndi chiwerewere. Koma mosiyana ndi malingaliro ofala kwambiri azakugonana, mitundu yambiri yamakhalidwe azakugonana ndi zikhumbo amatchulidwabe kuti "zauve" komanso "zonyansa." Mwanjira ina, malingaliro a anthu okhudzana ndi chiwerewere sanasinthe kwambiri (makamaka pankhani ya machitidwe a ena). Kulakalaka zogonana, kufunafuna kukhutira ndi iye yekha, kaya ndi munthu wina kapena wopanda wina, kumapangitsa ena kumverera mwapadera kukanidwa komanso kunyansidwa. Mosiyana ndi izi, kudziletsa muzochitika zogonana - kudzisunga mChikhristu - kumalemekezedwa konsekonse ndikulemekezedwa.

Zakuti zonyansazo nthawi zonse kulikonse zimawaganiziridwa kuti ndi zachiwerewere, sizimalankhula zokhazokha komanso zopanda pake, komanso zimangodziyang'ana pawokha. Momwemonso, kususuka kopanda malire, kuledzera ndi umbombo kumadziwika ndi anthu omwe amakhala kutali ndi zoterezi, monyansidwa. Chifukwa chake, mchitidwe wogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha umayambitsa malingaliro oyipa mwa anthu. Pachifukwa ichi, ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha omwe amateteza moyo wawo samayang'ana zochitika zawo zogonana, koma m'malo mwake, "chikondi" cha amuna kapena akazi okhaokha chimatamandidwa m'njira iliyonse. Ndipo kufotokozera kunyansidwa komwe kumakhalako pakati pa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha komwe kumayambitsa kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, amapanga lingaliro la "kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha", ndikupanga zachilendo. Koma ambiri a iwo, osati okhawo omwe adaleredwa monga Mkristu, amavomereza kuti amadzimva ali ndi mlandu chifukwa cha machitidwe awo (mwachitsanzo, yemwe kale anali ndi chilolezo chazomwe amalankhula za "kumva kwake kwauchimo" mu Howard 1991). Ambiri amanyansidwa ndi iwo okha atatha kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Zizindikiro za liwongo zilipo ngakhale kwa iwo omwe amawayimbira foni omwe amakhala ochepera. Zizindikiro zina za nkhawa, kusamvana, kulephera kusangalalira, chizolowezi chotsutsa komanso kukhumudwitsa zimafotokozedwa ndi liwu la "chikumbumtima cholakwa". Kugonana mwakugonana ndikovuta kwambiri kuzindikira kuti sunakhutire ndi zomwe uli nazo. Chilakolako chogonana chimayesa kubisa malingaliro omwe amakhala ofooka, omwe, komabe, samatha.

Izi zikutanthauza kuti kutsutsana koyenera komanso kopambana kwa yemwe amagonana ndi munthu wina osagwirizana ndi zomwe akukhala nazo kudzakhala malingaliro ake omwe ali oyera ndi osayera. Koma abweretsa bwanji? Mwa kudziwonetsera pamaso pake, powunikira, kuphunzira kumvetsera mawu a chikumbumtima chake komanso osamvetsera zonena zamkati monga: "Chifukwa chiyani?" Kapena "Sindingathe kusiya kukhutiritsa izi" kapena "ndili ndi ufulu wotsatira chikhalidwe changa" . Patulani nthawi kuti muphunzire kumvera. Kuti muganizire mafunso awa: "Ngati ndimvere mosamala komanso mopanda tsankho kuti ndimve zomwe zikuchitika mu mtima mwanga, ndingafanane bwanji ndi zomwe ndimachita amuna anzanga? Kumuletsa? ”Ndi khutu lokhulupirika komanso lolimba mtima lokha lomwe lingamve yankho ndikuphunzira upangiri wa chikumbumtima.

Chipembedzo ndi Kugonana Amuna Kapena Akazi Okhaokha

Mkristu wina wachichepere yemwe anali ndi malingaliro okonda kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha anandiuza kuti, powerenga Bayibulo, adapeza zifukwa zogwirizanitsira chikumbumtima chake ndi zibwenzi zomwe anali nazo panthawiyo, bola atakhalabe Mkristu wokhulupirika. Monga momwe zimayembekezeredwa, patapita kanthawi anasiya izi, ndikupitiliza chikhalidwe chake, ndipo chikhulupiriro chake chidachepa. Uku ndiye chiyembekezo cha achinyamata ambiri kuyesera kuyanjanitsa zinthu zomwe sizigwirizana. Ngati atha kudzitsimikizira kuti kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndikwabwino komanso kokongola, ndiye kuti ataya chikhulupiriro kapena kudzipanga zawo, zomwe zimavomereza kukondera kwawo. Zitsanzo za kuthekera konseku sizingawerenge. Mwachitsanzo, wochita zachiwerewere wodziwika bwino wa ku Netherlands, Mkatolika, pano amakhala ngati wansembe wachinyengo yemwe "amadalitsa" mabanja achichepere (osapatula amuna kapena akazi okhaokha) pamwambo waukwati ndikuchita miyambo pamaliro.

Chifukwa chake, funso losangalatsa limabuka: chifukwa chiyani amuna ambiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, Apulotesitanti ndi Akatolika, abambo ndi amayi, ali ndi chidwi ndi zamulungu ndipo nthawi zambiri amakhala atumiki kapena ansembe? Gawo la yankho lagona pa kufunikira kwawo kopanda chidwi kwa chisamaliro ndi chikondi. Amaona kupembedza kutchalitchi ngati chisamaliro chosangalatsa komanso chosangalatsa, ndipo amapezeka mwa iye monga olemekezeka ndi olemekezeka, otukuka kuposa anthu wamba. Tchalitchi chikuwoneka ngati dziko laubwenzi lopanda mpikisano, momwe amatha kukhala ndi mwayi wapamwamba ndipo nthawi yomweyo atetezedwe. Kwa abambo ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha pali zolimbikitsira zowonjezerapo ngati gulu lotseka lomwe amuna sazifuna kuti azitsimikizira kuti ndi amuna. A Lesbian nawonso amakopeka ndi gulu la azimayi apadera, lofanana ndi nyumba yachifumu. Kuphatikiza apo, wina amakonda kusagwirizana komwe amaphatikiza ndi ulemu ndi chikhalidwe cha abusa zomwe zimagwirizana ndi ulemu wawo komanso ulemu kwawo. Mu Katolika ndi Orthodoxy, zovala za ansembe komanso zodzikongoletsera zamwambo ndizowoneka bwino, zomwe zimawoneka ngati zachikazi ndipo zimakupatsani mwayi wodziwonetsa nokha, zomwe ndizofanana ndi zosangalatsa zowonetsedwa ndi ovina amuna kapena akazi okhaokha.

Chopatsa chidwi, amisala amatha kukopeka ndi udindo waunsembe. Potere, kwa iwo omwe ali ndi lingaliro lokhala nawo, kukopa kumagona pagulu, komanso kuthekera kolamulira ena. Zodabwitsa ndizakuti, zipembedzo zina zachikhristu sizimalepheretsa chidwi cha amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kuchita ntchito zaunsembe; M'mayiko ena akale, zakale, mwachitsanzo, amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amagwira ntchito yaunsembe.

Chifukwa chake, zokonda zotere zimakula makamaka kuchokera ku malingaliro odzikonda omwe alibe chilichonse chochita ndi chikhulupiriro chachikhristu. Ndipo choti anthu ena ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amawona kuti ndi "ntchito" yothandizira ndi kukhumba kakhalidwe kodzikongoletsa, koma koipa. “Kuyimbidwa” kumeneku ndi kwabodza komanso kwabodza. Mosakayikira, awa ndi omwe amalalikira amalalikira za mtundu wina wa malingaliro achikhalidwe, makamaka za chikhalidwe, komanso malingaliro opotozedwa achikondi. Kuphatikiza apo, amakonda kupanga zikhalidwe zogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Pochita izi, amaopseza kuti ziphunzitso zabodza zimapangitsa kuti mpingo ukhale wogwirizana kwambiri ndi tchalitchi (wowerengayo angakumbukire za "zinthu zosafunikira"). Komabe, nthawi zambiri amakhala osakwanira komanso olimba pakuchita utumiki wophunzitsira ngati bambo.

Kodi mayitanidwe owona amathanso kuyenda ndi zomwe amachita amuna kapena akazi okhaokha? Sindingakane izi kwathunthu; Kwa zaka zonsezi, ndawonapo zosankha zingapo. Koma, monga lamulo, lingaliro la amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, ngakhale kuti limadziwonetsera machitidwe ake kapena likuwonetsedwa m'moyo wamunthu wamakhalidwe, liyenera kuwonedwa ngati umboni wopanda gwero lamphamvu lakumwamba lokondweretsedwa ndi unsembe.

6. Udindo wa mankhwala

Ndemanga zochepa za "psychotherapy"

Ngati sindikulakwitsa pakuwunika kwanga, masiku abwino kwambiri a "psychotherapy" atha. M'zaka za zana la makumi awiri anali nthawi ya psychology ndi psychotherapy. Sayansi iyi, yolonjeza kutulukira kwakukulu pamunda wazidziwitso zaumunthu ndi njira zatsopano zosinthira machitidwe ndikuchiritsa mavuto amisala ndi matenda, zidakweza ziyembekezo zazikulu. Komabe, zotsatira zake zinali zosiyana. Zambiri "zomwe zatulukiridwa", monga malingaliro ambiri am'masukulu a Freudian ndi neo-Freudian, zakhala zachinyengo - ngakhale atapezabe otsatira awo ouma khosi. Matendawa sanachitepo bwino. Chithandizo cha psychotherapy (Herink's 1980 bukhu pamankhwala amisala opitilira 250) chikuwoneka kuti chatha; ngakhale mchitidwe wa psychotherapy udavomerezedwa ndi anthu - mwachangu mosavomerezeka, ndiyenera kunena - chiyembekezo choti chidzabweretsa zotsatira zazikulu chazimiririka. Kukayikira koyamba kunali kokhudzana ndi malingaliro a psychoanalysis. Nkhondo yachiwiri yapadziko lonse isanachitike, katswiri wodziwa zamaganizidwe ngati a Wilhelm Steckel adauza ophunzira ake kuti "ngati sitipanga zatsopano, psychoanalysis ndiye kuti sitingathe." M'zaka za m'ma 60, chikhulupiliro cha njira zothandizira anthu odwala matenda opatsirana pogonana chinagonjetsedwa ndi "chithandizo chamankhwala" chowoneka ngati chasayansi, koma sichinachite mogwirizana ndi zomwe ananena. Zomwezi zachitikanso m'masukulu atsopano ambiri ndi "maluso" omwe adayamikiridwa ngati zomwe asayansi achita, ndipo nthawi zambiri ngakhale monga njira zosavuta kuchira ndi chisangalalo. M'malo mwake, ambiri aiwo anali ndi "zotumphukira" zamalingaliro akale, zomwe zidasinthidwa ndikusandulika phindu.

Pambuyo poti malingaliro ndi njira zabwino zambiri zidachotsedwa ngati utsi (zomwe zikupitilira mpaka pano), ndi malingaliro ochepa chabe ndi malingaliro wamba omwe adatsalira. Pang'ono, komabe china chake. Nthawi zambiri, tabwereranso ku chidziwitso chachikhalidwe ndikumvetsetsa kwamisala, mwina kukulira m'malo ake ena, koma osachita zozizwitsa, monga sayansi ya zakuthambo. Inde, zikuwonekeratu kuti tiyenera "kuzindikira" zowonadi zakale, zotsekedwa ndi kuwonekera kwakukulu kwa ziphunzitso zatsopano pankhani yama psychology ndi psychotherapy. Mwachitsanzo, muyenera kubwereranso ku funso lokhalapo ndi chikumbumtima chogwira ntchito, kufunikira kwamakhalidwe monga kulimba mtima, kukhutira ndi pang'ono, kuleza mtima, kudzimana monga kutsutsana ndi kudzikonda, ndi zina. Ponena za njira zothandizirana ndi psychotherapeutic, vutoli lingafanane ndi kuyesa kukonza chilankhulo amalankhula kuyambira ubwana (ndipo izi ndizotheka), kapena ndi njira zosiya kusuta: mutha kuchita bwino mukalimbana ndi chizolowezi. Ndimagwiritsa ntchito liwu loti "kulimbana" chifukwa kuchiritsa mozizwitsa sikuyenera kuyembekezeredwa. Komanso, palibe njira zothetsera zovuta zogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, momwe mungakhalire mosakhazikika ("mundigonere ndipo ndidzadzutsa munthu watsopano"). Njira kapena maluso ndi othandiza, koma kugwira ntchito kwawo kumadalira makamaka pakumvetsetsa kwamakhalidwe anu ndi zolinga zanu komanso pachifuniro chodzipereka.

"Psychotherapy" yabwino ingapereke thandizo lofunikira kuti timvetsetse chiyambi ndi chikhalidwe chamakhalidwe oyipa okhudzana ndi kugonana, koma sizipereka zomwe zingayambitse kusintha kwadzidzidzi. Mwachitsanzo, palibe psychotherapy yomwe ingapulumutse kwathunthu, monga "masukulu" ena amayesa kulingalira, poulula makumbukidwe kapena malingaliro. Ndizothekanso kufupikitsa msewu mothandizidwa ndi njira zophunzitsira mwaluso zozikidwa pa kumvetsetsa kwatsopano kwa malamulo ophunzitsira. M'malo mwake, nzeru wamba komanso bata, ntchito ya tsiku ndi tsiku ndiyofunika pano.

Kufunika kwa othandizira

Ndiye kodi othandizira amafunikira? Kupatula nthawi zovuta kwambiri, mfundo yofunika kukumbukira ndikuti palibe amene angayende njirayi yekha. Nthawi zambiri, munthu amene akuyesera kuti athetse vuto la neurotic amafunikira wina woti amulangize kapena kumulangiza. M'chikhalidwe chathu, wothandizira amagwiritsa ntchito izi. Tsoka ilo, madokotala ambiri a psychotherapist sangathe kuchita zogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kuthana ndi zovuta zawo, popeza samadziwa kwenikweni za vutoli ndikugawana tsankho kuti palibe chomwe chingachitike kapena sichiyenera kuchitidwa. Chifukwa chake, kwa ambiri omwe akufuna kusintha, koma omwe sangapeze wothandizira, "Therapist" ayenera kukhala munthu wodziwa bwino komanso wodziwa zoyambira zama psychology, yemwe amatha kuwona ndikukhala ndi chidziwitso pakuwongolera anthu. Munthuyu ayenera kukhala ndi luntha lotsogola ndipo azitha kukhazikitsa kukhulupirirana (ubale). Choyambirira, iyenso ayenera kukhala munthu wolingalira bwino, wathanzi komanso wamakhalidwe abwino. Amatha kukhala m'busa, wansembe kapena mtumiki wina wamatchalitchi, dokotala, mphunzitsi, wogwira ntchito zachitukuko - ngakhale ntchitozi sizikutsimikizira kupezeka kwa luso lochiritsira. Kwa iwo omwe ali ndi vuto la kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, ndingalimbikitse kufunsa munthu woteroyo kuti awatsogolere omwe akuwona kukhalapo kwa mikhalidwe yomwe ili pamwambayi. Lolani kuti wothandizira ochita masewerawa adziwonere ngati wokalamba wothandizira, bambo, yemwe, popanda chinyengo chilichonse cha sayansi, amatsogoleredwa bwino ndi luntha lake komanso nzeru zake. Mosakayikira, ayenera kuphunzira kuti kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndi chiyani, ndipo ndimampatsa izi kuti amvetsetse bwino. Sikoyenera, komabe, kuti muwerenge mabuku ochulukirapo pamutuwu, popeza zambiri mwa zolembazi zikungosocheretsa.

"Kasitomala" amafunikira woyang'anira. Amayenera kumasula momwe akumvera, kufotokoza malingaliro ake, kunena nkhani ya moyo wake. Akambirane momwe kugonana kwake kukhalira, momwe zovuta zake zimagwirira ntchito. Iyenera kulimbikitsidwa kumayendedwe achifwamba; Muyenera kuonanso momwe akupitira patsogolo mu nkhondo yake. Aliyense amene amaphunzira kuimba chida choimbira amadziwa kuti zomwe amaphunzira nthawi zonse ndizofunikira. Mphunzitsi amafotokozera, kuwongolera, kulimbikitsa; wophunzira amachita maphunziro atatha kuphunzira. Ndi momwe zilili ndi mtundu uliwonse wa psychotherapy.

Nthawi zina gay amathandizanso ena kuthana ndi mavuto awo. Ali ndi mwayi wokhala kuti amadziwa zoyambirira zamkati ndi zovuta za amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Komanso, ngati anasinthiratu, ndiye kuti kwa anzawo ndi mwayi wolimbikitsa. Komabe, sikuti nthawi zonse ndimakhala wofunitsitsa yankho lomweli, mosakayika ndili ndi cholinga chabwino pafunso lathandizoli. Mitsempha yofanana ndi kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha imatha kugonjetsedwa kwakukulu, koma mitundu yosiyanasiyana ya mitsempha ndi njira zamaganizidwe, osatchulanso kuyambiranso kwakanthawi, zitha kukhalabe kwa nthawi yayitali. Zikatero, munthu sayenera kuyesera molawirira kuti akhale katswiri; asanayambe chinthu chotere, munthu ayenera kukhala osachepera zaka zisanu mu mkhalidwe wosintha kwathunthu kwamkati, kuphatikizapo kupeza malingaliro akumiseche. Komabe, monga lamulo, ndi "weniweni" yemwe ndi amuna kapena akazi okhaokha omwe angalimbikitse kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kuposa wina aliyense, chifukwa iwo omwe alibe mavuto azidziwitso za amuna amatha kukulitsa kudzidalira kwa amuna pakati pa iwo omwe alibe. Kuphatikiza apo, kufunitsitsa "kuchiritsa" ena kumatha kukhala njira yodzivomerezera kwa munthu yemwe amapewa ntchito yayikulu. Ndipo nthawi zina, chikhumbo chobisika chopitiliza kulumikizana ndi "gawo la moyo" wa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha chimatha kusakanikirana ndi cholinga chozama chothandiza omwe akukumana ndi zovuta zomwe akudziwa.

Ndidatchula wothandizirayo - "bambo" kapena wachiwiri wake. Nanga akazi? Sindikuganiza kuti pamankhwala amtunduwu ndi akulu, azimayi ndi omwe angakhale njira yabwino kwambiri, ngakhale kwa makasitomala ogonana nawo. Kukambirana moona mtima ndi kuthandizidwa ndi abwenzi ndi alangizi kungakhale kothandiza; komabe, ntchito yayitali (yayitali) yazitsogozo zolimba komanso zosasinthasintha kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha imafuna kupezeka kwa bambo. Sindimaganizira zakusalidwa uku kwa akazi, popeza maphunziro ndi maleredwe ali ndi zinthu ziwiri - wamwamuna ndi wamkazi. Amayi ndiophunzitsa zaumwini, zowongoka, zophunzitsa. Abambo amakhala mtsogoleri, mphunzitsi, wowalangiza, zingwe ndi mphamvu. Othandizira azimayi ndioyenera kwambiri kuchiritsira ana ndi atsikana achinyamata, komanso amuna amtunduwu wophunzitsira womwe umafunikira utsogoleri wachimuna. Kumbukirani kuti abambo akakhala kuti alibe ndi amuna awo, amayi nthawi zambiri amavutika kulera ana amuna (ndipo nthawi zambiri ana aakazi!) Achinyamata ndi achinyamata.

7. Kudziwa nokha

Kukula kwa ubwana ndi unyamata

Kudziwa nokha, choyambirira, cholinga chidziwitso cha mikhalidwe yawo, mwachitsanzo, zolinga zawo, zizolowezi, malingaliro; ungatidziwe bwanji ena, amatidziwa bwino, ngati kuti tikuyang'ana kumbali. Ndi zochuluka kuposa zathu. wogonjera zokumana nazo. Kuti amvetsetse, munthu ayenera kudziwa zam'mbuyomu zamaganizidwe, kukhala ndi lingaliro lomveka bwino la momwe machitidwe ake adakhalira, mphamvu zake za neurosis yake ndi ziti.

Zotheka kuti owerenga amuna omwe amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha adadzichitira zokhazokha, monga tinafotokozera m'mitu yapitayi. Wowerenga yemwe akufuna kugwiritsa ntchito malingaliro awa kwa iye, kuti akhale wothandizira payekha, zingakhale zofunikira, komabe, kuwunika mbiri yake yamaubwino mwanjira. Pazifukwa izi, ndikufunsani mafunso otsatirawa.

Ndi bwino kulemba mayankho anu; izi zimapangitsa malingaliro kukhala omveka komanso osapita m'mbali. Pakatha milungu iwiri, onani mayankho anu ndikusintha zomwe mukuganiza kuti zisinthe. Kuzindikira maubwenzi ena nthawi zambiri kumakhala kosavuta ngati mungalole kuti mafunsowo kuti “akhazikike” mu kanthawi.

Mbiri yazachipatala (mbiri yanu yamaganizidwe)

1. Fotokozani zaubwenzi wanu ndi abambo anu momwe mudakulira. Mungadziwe bwanji izi: kuyandikira, kuthandizira, kudziwika [ndi abambo anu], ndi zina zambiri; kapena kudzipatula, kunyoza, kusazindikira, mantha, chidani kapena kunyoza abambo; Kufunitsitsa kumumvera chisoni komanso kumusamalira, ndi zina zotero? Lembani zomwe zili zoyenera pachibwenzi chanu, ngati kuli kotheka, onjezerani zomwe zikusoweka mundandanda wachidulewu. Muyenera kupanga kusiyanitsa kwakanthawi kwakukula kwanu, mwachitsanzo: "Tisanathe msinkhu (pafupifupi zaka 12-14), ubale wathu unali ...; ndiye, komabe ... ".

2. Kodi ndimaganiza chiyani (makamaka panthawi yakutha msinkhu / unyamata) abambo anga amandiganizira? Funso ili likugwirizana ndi lingaliro lanu lakumva kwa abambo anu za inu. Yankho, mwachitsanzo, litha kukhala: "Sanandifunire," "Amandiona kuti ndine wochepa kuposa abale (alongo)," "Amandisilira," "Ndine mwana wake wokondedwa," ndi zina zambiri.

3. Fotokozani zaubwenzi wanu wapano ndi momwe mumakhalira naye. Mwachitsanzo, kodi mumayandikana, kodi ndinu ogwirizana, ndizosavuta bwanji nonse, ngakhale mumalemekezana, ndi zina zambiri; kapena ndinu odana, omangika, okwiya, okangana, amantha, akutali, ozizira, amwano, okanidwa, ampikisano, ndi zina zambiri? Fotokozani ubale womwe mumakhala nawo ndi abambo anu komanso momwe mumawonetsera.

4. Fotokozani momwe mumamvera ndi amayi anu, ubale wanu ndi iwo paubwana komanso munthawi yakutha msanga (yankho litha kugawidwa) Kaya anali ochezeka, ofunda, oyandikira, odekha, ndi zina zambiri; kapena kodi anali okakamizidwa, amantha, osiyana, ozizira, ndi zina zambiri? Yeretsani yankho lanu posankha zikhalidwe zomwe mukuganiza kuti ndizofala kwa inu.

5. Kodi ukuganiza kuti amayi ako ankakumva bwanji iwe (ubwana ndi unyamata?) Amati chiyani kwa iwe? Mwachitsanzo, adakuwonani ngati mwana kapena msungwana wamba, kapena adakuchitirani mwapadera, monga mnzake wapamtima, chiweto, mwana wake woyenera?

6. Fotokozani zaubwenzi wanu ndi mayi anu (onani funso lachitatu).

7. Kodi abambo ako (kapena agogo ako aamuna) anakulera bwanji? Mwachitsanzo, adakutetezani, akuthandizani, adakulangizani, kudalira, kupereka ufulu, kudalirika; kapena kuleredwa kumapita ndikumangokhalira kukangana komanso kusakhutira, mwamphamvu, adalanga kwambiri, adafunsa, adanyoza; anakuchitirani molimbika kapena modekha, amakukondweretsani, kukuzungulirani ndikukuchitirani ngati mwana? Onjezani zikhalidwe zilizonse osati pamndandandawu zomwe zingafotokozere bwino mlandu wanu.

8. Kodi amayi anu anakuphunzitsani njira ziti? (Onani mawonekedwe a funso 7).

9. Kodi abambo anu amakusamalirani bwanji ndikukuchitirani zotani zakuti ndinu amuna kapena akazi? Ndi chilimbikitso, kumvetsetsa, kwa mwana wamwamuna ndi mtsikana ngati mtsikana, kapena wopanda ulemu uliwonse, wopanda kumvetsetsa kulikonse, monyinyirika, monyoza?

10. Kodi amayi anu amakusamalirani bwanji komanso amakusamalirani motani pankhani ya jenda? (Onani funso 9)

11. Ndi abale angati (ndiwe mwana yekhayo; woyamba pa __ ana; wachiwiri pa __ ana; womaliza ndi __ ana, ndi zina zambiri). Kodi izi zakhudza bwanji malingaliro anu ndi malingaliro anu kwa inu m'banja? Mwachitsanzo, mwana wochedwa amatetezedwa ndi kusisitidwa; Udindo wa mnyamata yekhayo pakati pa atsikana angapo komanso momwe amamvera, mwina, ndizosiyana ndi udindo wa wamkulu mwa abale angapo komanso malingaliro ake, ndi zina zambiri.

12. Munadzifanizira nokha ndi abale anu (ngati ndinu amuna) kapena alongo (ngati ndinu akazi)? Kodi mumamva kuti abambo anu kapena amayi anu amakusankhani kuposa iwo, kuti mumachita bwino kuposa iwo chifukwa cha kuthekera kwina kapena mikhalidwe, kapena kuti munalibe mtengo wapatali?

13. Munaganizira bwanji za umuna wanu kapena ukazi wanu poyerekeza ndi abale anu (ngati muli amuna) kapena alongo (ngati ndinu akazi)?

14. Kodi mudali ndi anzanu ngati amuna mukadali mwana? Kodi udindo wanu unali wotani pakati pa anzanu? Mwachitsanzo, mudali ndi anzanu ambiri, mumalemekezedwa, kodi ndinu mtsogoleri, ndi zina zambiri, kapena munali akunja, otsanzira, ndi zina zambiri?

15. Kodi mudali ndi anzanu amuna kapena akazi mukatha msinkhu? (onani funso 14).

16. Fotokozani zaubwenzi wanu ndi anyamata munthawi ya unamwali ndi kutha msinkhu, motsatana (mwachitsanzo, palibe ubale kapena amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, ndi zina zotero).

17. Kwa amuna: mudasewera ngati asitikali, kunkhondo, ndi zina zambiri muli mwana? Kwa akazi: mudasewera ndi zidole, ndi zoseweretsa zofewa?

18. Kwa amuna: kodi mumachita chidwi ndi hockey kapena mpira? Komanso, mwasewera ndi zidole? Kodi mumakonda zovala? Chonde fotokozani mwatsatanetsatane.

Akazi: mudakonda chidwi ndi zovala komanso zodzola? Komanso, kodi mumakonda masewera achiyuda? Fotokozani mwatsatanetsatane.

19. Monga wachinyamata, kodi mumamenya nkhondo, "kufotokoza," kodi mumayesetsa kunena, pang'ono, kapena mosiyana?

20. Kodi ndi zinthu ziti zomwe mumakonda kuchita monga zomwe mudali wachinyamata?

21. Mudaliwona bwanji thupi lanu (kapena ziwalo zake), mawonekedwe anu (mwachitsanzo, mudaliwona ngati lokongola kapena losasangalatsa)? Fotokozani mwatsatanetsatane zomwe thupi limakukhumudwitsani (mawonekedwe, mphuno, maso, mbolo kapena mabere, kutalika, kunenepa kapena kuonda, ndi zina zambiri)

22. Mwawona bwanji thupi lanu / mawonekedwe anu potengera umuna kapena ukazi?

23. Kodi mudakhala ndi ziwalo kapena matenda aliwonse?

24. Kodi ndimotani momwe mumakhalira muubwana kenako muunyamata? Wokondwa, wokhumudwa, wosintha, kapena wosasintha?

25. Kodi mudakhala ndi nthawi yapadera yosungulumwa mumtima kapena kukhumudwa muubwana kapena unyamata? Ngati ndi choncho, ali ndi zaka zingati? Ndipo mukudziwa chifukwa chake?

26. Kodi mudali ndi zovuta zazing'ono muubwana kapena unyamata? Ngati ndi choncho, ndi mbali ziti zomwe munadziona kuti ndinu achabechabe?

27. Kodi mungalongosole kuti munali mwana / mwana wanji pa zomwe mumachita komanso zomwe mumakonda panthawi yomwe kunyozeka kwanu kumamvekera bwino kwa inu? Mwachitsanzo: "Ndinali wosungulumwa, wosadalira aliyense, wosadzikonda, wodzifunira ndekha", "ndinali wamanyazi, womvera kwambiri, wothandiza, wosungulumwa, koma nthawi yomweyo wokwiya mkati", "Ndinali ngati mwana, ndimatha kulira, koma nthawi yomweyo anali wosankha "," ndimayesera kudzinenera ndekha, ndimayang'ana chidwi "," ndimayesetsa nthawi zonse kusangalatsa, ndikumwetulira ndikuwoneka wokondwa kunja, koma mkati mwanga sindinasangalale "," Ndinali woseketsa ena "," ndinali womvera kwambiri "," ine anali wamantha "," Ndinali mtsogoleri "," Ndinali wopusa, "ndi zina zotero Yesetsani kukumbukira mawonekedwe owoneka bwino kwambiri a umunthu wanu muubwana kapena unyamata.

28. Ndi chiyani china, kupatula izi, chomwe chidachita gawo lofunikira muubwana wanu kapena / kapena muubwana wanu?

chokhudza azigonana nkhani, mafunso otsatirawa angakuthandizeni:

29. Kodi mudakhala ndi zaka zingati msinkhu pomwe mudayamba kutengeka ndi amuna kapena akazi anzanu?

30. Kodi mawonekedwe ake ndi mawonekedwe ake anali otani? Fotokozani zomwe zakusangalatsani kwambiri kwa iye.

31. Kodi mudali ndi zaka zingati pomwe mudayamba kukhala ndi malingaliro ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha? (Yankho likhoza kukhala lofanana ndi yankho la funso 29, koma ndiyosankha.)

32. Ndani amakonda kudzutsa chilakolako chanu chogonana malinga ndi msinkhu, mawonekedwe akunja kapena umunthu, kakhalidwe, kavalidwe? Zitsanzo za abambo: achinyamata azaka 16-30, anyamata asanakwane, azimayi / achimuna / othamanga, amuna ankhondo, amuna ang'ono, ma blondes kapena ma brunette, anthu otchuka, abwino, "amwano", ndi ena. Kwa akazi: atsikana zaka ___; azimayi azaka zapakati okhala ndi machitidwe ena; akazi azaka zanga; etc.

33. Ngati izi zikukukhudzani, ndi kangati kamene mudachita maliseche muli achinyamata? Ndipo pambuyo pake?

34. Kodi mudayamba mwakhalako ndi zilakolako zogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, muli kapena osasewera?

35. Kodi mudamvapo zachiwerewere kapena kukondana ndi mnyamata kapena mtsikana?

36. Kodi pali zachilendo pazochita zanu zogonana kapena malingaliro anu (masochism, sadism, etc.)? Fotokozani mwachidule komanso mosamala zomwe anthu amakukondani kapena machitidwe omwe amakusangalatsani, chifukwa izi zidzakuthandizani kuzindikira madera omwe mumadziona kuti ndinu achabechabe.

37. Mutaganizira ndikuyankha mafunso awa, lembani mbiri yayifupi ya moyo wanu, yokhala ndi zochitika zofunika kwambiri komanso zochitika zamkati mwaubwana wanu ndi unyamata wanu.

Ndili chiyani lero

Gawo lodzidziwitsa ndilofunika kwambiri; kumvetsetsa kwamalingaliro amunthu, komwe tidakambirana m'ndime yapitayi, ndikofunikira kokha chifukwa kumathandiza kudzimvetsetsa lero, mwachitsanzo, zizolowezi zamasiku ano, malingaliro, ndipo koposa zonse, zolinga zokhudzana ndi zovuta zogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha.

Kuti muchiritse bwino chithandizo (chodzithandiza), ndikofunikira kuti munthu ayambe kudziwona yekha, monga munthu amene amatidziwa bwino amationa. M'malo mwake mbali yam'mbali nthawi zambiri ndizofunikira kwambiri, makamaka ngati lingaliro la iwo omwe akutenga nawo mbali pazochitika za tsiku ndi tsiku. Amatha kutsegula maso athu kuzikhalidwe kapena zomwe sitimazindikira, kapena zomwe sitingazindikire. Iyi ndi njira yoyamba kudzidziwa nokha: kuvomereza ndikusanthula mosamala zonena za ena, kuphatikiza ndi zomwe simukukonda.

Njira yachiwiri - kudziwona... Choyamba, imalunjikitsidwa kuzinthu zamkati - malingaliro, malingaliro, malingaliro, zolinga / zolinga; ndipo chachiwiri, mawonekedwe akunja. Ponena za omalizawa, titha kuyesa kuwonetsa machitidwe athu ngati kuti tikudziyang'ana tokha moyenera, kuchokera kunja, patali. Zachidziwikire, kudziona wekha ndikuwonetsera machitidwe anu kudzera kwa owonera akunja ndizogwirizana.

Kudzilimbitsa, monga ochiritsira achizolowezi, kumayamba ndi nthawi yoyambirira yodziwonera, yomwe imatenga sabata limodzi mpaka milungu iwiri. Chingakhale chizolowezi kulemba zinthuzi kawirikawiri (ngakhale sikuti tsiku lililonse, pachitika zinazake zofunika). Ayenera kulembedwa ndikuletsa komanso kusasinthasintha. Pangani cholembera chapadera pazolingazi ndipo khalani ndi chizolowezi chojambula zomwe mwawona, komanso mafunso kapena mafunso ofunikira. Kujambulira kuwona ndi kuzindikira. Kuphatikiza apo, zimakuthandizani kuti muwerenge zolemba zanu nthawi, zomwe, mwa zambiri za anthu, zimathandizira kumvetsetsa zinthu zina kuposa momwe zimangolembedwera.

Kodi chikuyenera kulembedwa bwanji mu buku la zodziwonera tokha? Pewani kufuula, kusunga "buku lodandaula". Anthu omwe ali ndi vuto la minyewa amakhala akuwonetsa kusakhutira, chifukwa chake amadzimvera chisoni pawokha pazoyang'ana. Ngati patapita nthawi, ndikuwerenganso zomwe zalembedwazo, akudziwa kuti akudandaula, ndiye kuti kuchita bwino kwatsimikizika. Zitha kuzindikirika kuti amadzimvera chisoni panthawi yojambulira, motero amadzadzipezera okha kuti: "Ha, ndikumva bwanji chisoni!"

Komabe, ndibwino kuti mulembe zaumoyo wanu monga chonchi: fotokozani mwachidule momwe mumamvera, koma osayimira pamenepo, koma onjezerani kuyeserera. Mwachitsanzo, mutatha kulemba kuti: "Ndidamva kuwawa komanso sindimamumvetsetsa," yesani kulingalira mozama za izi: "Ndikuganiza kuti pakhoza kukhala zifukwa zakukhumudwitsira, koma zomwe ndimachita zidali zopitilira muyeso, kodi ndinali womvera? Ndimachita ngati mwana ”kapena" Kunyada kwanga kwachibwana kudapwetekedwa mu zonsezi, "ndi zina zotero.

Zolemba zitha kugwiritsidwanso ntchito kulemba malingaliro omwe abwera mosayembekezereka. Zisankho zopangidwa ndichinthu china chofunikira, makamaka chifukwa kuzilemba kumawatsimikizira ndikukhazikika. Komabe, kulemba zakukhosi, malingaliro, ndi machitidwe ndi njira yokhayo yopezera cholinga, ndiko kuti, kumvetsetsa kwanu. Kuganiza ndikofunikanso, komwe kumadzetsa kuzindikira bwino kwa zomwe munthu ali nazo, zikhumbo zake (makamaka zazing'ono kapena zodzikweza).

Zoyenera kuyang'ana

Kudzidziwitsa kumatheka chifukwa chilingalire mosamala zakukhosi kwawo ndi malingaliro awo, zosasangalatsa komanso / kapena zosangalatsa. Akadzuka, afunseni za chifukwa chawo, tanthauzo lake, chifukwa chiyani mwawamvera.

Maganizo olakwika amaphatikizapo: kusungulumwa, kukanidwa, kusiya, kukhumudwa, kunyazitsidwa, kudziona ngati wopanda pake, ulesi, kusasamala, kukhumudwa kapena kukhumudwa, nkhawa, mantha, mantha ndi nkhawa, kuzunzidwa, mkwiyo, mkwiyo, mkwiyo, kaduka ndi kaduka, kuwawa, kulakalaka (wina), ngozi yomwe ikubwera, kukayikira, ndi zina zambiri, makamaka malingaliro wamba - chilichonse chomwe chimadetsa nkhawa, makamaka kukumbukira, chilichonse chosangalatsa kapena chokhumudwitsa.

Zomverera zokhudzana ndi zovuta za neurotic nthawi zambiri zimagwirizanitsidwa ndi kumverera. kusakwanirapamene anthu akumva kuti sangathe kudzilamulira, pamene "dziko lapansi likuyenda pansi pa mapazi awo." Kodi nchifukwa ninji ndinamva motero? Ndikofunika kwambiri kudzifunsa kuti: "Kodi m'matumbo mwanga mudali ngati" mwana "? "Kodi" osauka anga sanawonetse pano? " Zowonadi, zimapezeka kuti zambiri mwazimenezi zimayambitsidwa ndi kusakhutira kwa ana, kuvulazidwa ndi kunyada, kudzimvera chisoni. Zotsatira zomaliza: "Mkati, sindimachita ngati mwamuna kapena mkazi wamkulu, koma ngati mwana, wachinyamata." Ndipo ngati mungayese kulingalira mawonekedwe pankhope panu, kumveka kwa mawu anu omwe, malingaliro omwe mudapanga kwa ena mwa kufotokoza kwa momwe mukumvera, ndiye kuti mudzatha kuwona bwino "mwana wamkati" yemwe mudali. M'mayankho ena am'malingaliro ndi machitidwe, ndikosavuta kuwona machitidwe aubwana, koma nthawi zina zimakhala zovuta kuzindikira zaubwana muzomverera zina zoyipa kapena zikhumbo, ngakhale zimawonedwa ngati zosokoneza, zosafunikira, kapena zowonera. Kusakhutira ndichizindikiro chofala kwambiri cha makanda, zomwe nthawi zambiri zimawonetsa kudzimvera chisoni.

Koma mungasiyanitse bwanji kusakhutira kwakukhazikika ndi munthu wabwinobwino, wokwanira, wamkulu?

1. Kudzimvera chisoni ndi kusakhutira kosakhudza ana sikumagwirizanitsidwa ndi kudzidalira.

2. Iwo, monga lamulo, samataya munthu muyeso, ndipo amadzilamulira.

3. Kupatula zochitika zodabwitsa, samatsatiridwa ndi kutengeka kwambiri.

Komabe, zochitika zina zimatha kuphatikiza zinthu zosafunikira komanso zachikulire. Kukhumudwitsidwa, kutaya, kukwiya kungakhale kopweteka mwa iwo wokha, ngakhale munthu atakhala kuti ndi mwana. Ngati wina sangamvetsetse ngati zomwe amachokera zimachokera kwa "mwana" komanso mwamphamvu, ndiye kuti ndibwino kusiya nthawi yayitali. Izi zidzadziwika bwino ngati mudzabwerenso pambuyo pake.

Chotsatira, muyenera kuphunzira mosamala njira yanu machitidwe ndiye kuti, mitundu yamalingaliro kwa anthu: kufuna kusangalatsa aliyense, kuuma mtima, nkhanza, kukayikirana, kudzikuza, kunyinyirika, kuyang'anira kapena kufunafuna kutetezedwa, kudalira anthu, kunyinyirika, kuponderezana, kulimba mtima, kusayanjanitsika, kutsutsa, kusokoneza, nkhanza, kubwezera, mantha, kupewa kapena kuyambitsa mikangano, kukonda kukangana, kudzitamandira ndi kudzikuza, kuwonetsa machitidwe, kudzionetsera komanso kufunafuna chidwi chaumwini (ndizosankha zambiri), ndi zina zotero. Kusiyanitsa kuyenera kupangidwa apa. Makhalidwe amasiyana malinga ndi omwe amapita kwa: amuna kapena akazi okhaokha; achibale, abwenzi kapena ogwira nawo ntchito; pamlingo wapamwamba kapena wotsika; kwa alendo kapena odziwika bwino. Lembani zomwe mwawona, ndikuwonetsa mtundu wamacheza omwe ali nawo. Sonyezani machitidwe omwe ali ofala kwambiri kwa inu ndi "mwana" wanu.

Chimodzi mwazolinga zodziwonera nokha ndikutazindikira maudindo zomwe munthu amasewera. Mwambiri, awa ndi maudindo a kudzitsimikizira komanso kulimbikitsa chidwi. Munthu atha kutsanzira munthu wopambana, womvetsetsa, wokondwa, wopambana pamavuto, wodwala wopanda vuto, wopanda thandizo, wolephera, wofunika kwambiri, ndi ena otero. (Zosankha sizosatha). Kusewera gawo, kuwulula ubwana wamkati, kumatanthauza kudzikhuthula komanso chinsinsi ndipo kumatha malire mabodza.

Khalidwe la mawu amathanso kunena zambiri zokhudza munthu. Kamvekedwe ka mawu komwe kamakhala ndi chidziwitso chochuluka. Mnyamata wina adawonetsa momwe adatchulira mawuwo, kuwatchula mokhumudwitsa. Chifukwa chofunsa chidwi, adamaliza kuti: "Ndikuganiza kuti ndimaganiza kuti mwana wofooka, mosazindikira, ndikuyesera kuika ena pamalo a akulu okongola, omvetsetsa." Mwamuna wina adazindikira kuti, polankhula za iyemwini komanso moyo wake, adakonda kuyankhula modabwitsa, ndipo potero amakhala ndi chizolowezi chomangoganiza za zinthu zambiri zomwe zimachitika kawirikawiri.

Kuyang'anira zili za zolankhula zake. Kusakhwima m'maganizo nthawi zambiri kumadziwonetsera pokha pokha ndikudandaula - pakamwa kapena mwanjira ina - za iwemwini, zazomwe zikuchitika, za ena, za moyo wamba. M'makambirano ndi malingaliro a anthu ambiri omwe ali ndi vuto logonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, kudzikonda kwakukulu kumaonekera: "Ndikapita kukacheza ndi anzanga, ndimatha kunena za ine zoposa ola limodzi," kasitomala wina adavomereza. "Ndipo akafuna kundiuza za ine, chidwi changa chimasokonekera, ndipo zimandivuta kuti ndiwamvere." Izi sizongokhala zokhazokha. Kudzikonda kumayenderana ndi kung'ung'udza, ndipo zokambirana zambiri za anthu "amisala" zimangodandaula. Lembani zokambirana zanu zachizolowezi pa tepi ndikuwamvetsera katatu - iyi ndi njira yosasangalatsa komanso yophunzitsa!

Kusanthula kwanu koyenera kwambiri chikhalidwe kwa makolo ndi malingaliro za iwo... Ponena za "mwana" wamakhalidwe, machitidwe ake pankhaniyi amatha kudziwika ndi kukakamira, kupanduka, kunyoza, nsanje, kudzipatula, kufuna chidwi kapena kusilira, kudalira, kunyada, ndi zina zotero. Maganizo oterewa amakhalabe ngakhale makolo (kholo ) osatinso: kudziphatika kofananira kapena kudana ndi kunyozedwa! Siyanitsani pakati pa ubale wanu ndi abambo anu ndi amayi anu. Kumbukirani kuti "chibwana chachibwana" chimapezeka makamaka mu maubale ndi makolo, kaya kukhala kwakunja kapena malingaliro ndi malingaliro.

Awunikidwe chimodzimodzi maubale ndi mnzanu, wokondana naye, kapena munthu wamkulu wamalingaliro anu... Zizoloŵezi zambiri za ana zimapezeka m'dera lotsatirali: kufunafuna chidwi cha ana, kusewera masewera, kukakamira; Khalani odzipereka nokha pazomwe mumayang'ana mderali, chifukwa ndipamene (zomveka) amafuna kukana, osawona zifukwa zenizeni, kuti aperekere zifukwa.

chokhudza inemwini, zindikirani malingaliro anu okhudzana ndi zomwe muli nazo (zoyipa komanso zabwino). Zindikirani kudzikweza kwanu, kudzidzudzula kwambiri, kudzitsutsa, kudzipeputsa, ndi zina zambiri, komanso kudzimvera chisoni, kudzitamanda, kudzitamanda mwanjira iliyonse, maloto anu, ndi zina zambiri. Dziyesereni nokha kuti muwonetse mawonekedwe amkati mwa sewero lodziyimira nokha malingaliro, malingaliro ndi malingaliro. Kodi mukuzindikira kutengeka, kusungulumwa mwa inu nokha? Kodi kumiza thupi kumadzimvera chisoni? Kapena kuthekera kodzivulaza kokhako ndi machitidwe? (Omalizawa amadziwika kuti "psychic masochism", ndiye kuti, kudzipweteketsa dala kena kake komwe kangavulaze mwadala, kapena kumiza m'mavuto omwe amadzipangira okha kapena mwadala).

chokhudza kugonana, lingalirani za zomwe mumalakalaka ndikuyesa kukhazikitsa mawonekedwe, mawonekedwe, kapena zomwe mumayambitsa zomwe zimakusangalatsani mzanu weniweni kapena woganiza. Kenako ikonzani momwe mukumvera podziona kuti ndinu otsika molingana ndi lamulo: zomwe zimatipanga mwa ena ndizomwe timawona kuti ndife otsika. Yesani kuzindikira kusilira kwa ana kapena kupembedza mafano m'masomphenya anu a omwe akuyenera kukhala "abwenzi". Komanso yesani kuwona zoyesayesa kudzifananiza nokha ndi china omusajja omukyala wo mu kukoppa kwaabwe era mu kyo zopweteka kumverera komwe kumaphatikizidwa ndi chilakolako cha thupi. M'malo mwake, kumverera kovutirapo kapena kukhudzika uku ndikumverera kwaubwana: "Sindili ngati iye (mkaziyo)" ndipo, motero, kudandaula kapena wubuula wachisoni: "Momwe ine ndimamufunira kuti andiyang'anire, munthu wosauka, wopanda pake!" Ngakhale sizovuta kudziwa tanthauzo la “chikondi” chopanda tanthauzo, komabe ndikofunikira kuzindikira kukhalapo kwa cholinga chodzipangira, kufunafuna bwenzi lokonda mumalingaliro awa ndekha, ngati mwana amene mwachidziwikire amafuna kuti aliyense azimukonda. Onaninso zifukwa zomwe zimapangitsa kuti anthu aziganiza zolaula kapena kufuna kuchita maliseche. Nthawi zambiri awa amakhala malingaliro osakhutira ndi kukhumudwitsidwa, chifukwa chake zilakalaka zachiwerewere zimakhala ndi ntchito yotonthoza "munthu wosauka".

Komanso, ndikofunikira kulabadiramumakwaniritsa bwanji "udindo" wa mwamuna kapena mkazi. Yang'anani kuti muwone ngati pali mawonekedwe awope ndi kupewa zochitika ndi zokonda zomwe zili zachikhalidwe chanu, komanso ngati mukumva otsika pochita izi. Kodi muli ndi zizolowezi zomwe amakonda zomwe sizikugwirizana ndi jenda? Izi zokakamira pakati pa amuna kapena akazi kapena amuna kapena akazi okhaokha komanso zoyenera kuchita ndi njira zambiri zopanda pake, ndipo ngati mutaziyang'anitsitsa, nthawi zambiri mumatha kuzindikira zazomwe mumakhala nazo kapena mantha ena. Kusasiyana pakati pa amuna ndi akazi komweko kungathenso kunena zachiwerewere komanso kusakhazikika. Mwachitsanzo, mzimayi wina adazindikira kuti njira zomwe amafuna komanso zolamulira mwankhanza "zimafanana" ndi zomwe amakhulupirira pakubadwa kwake, komwe adatembenukira kuti apeze malo ake pakati pa anthu, poganiza kuti "sianthu". Udindo, womwe tsopano ali wachiwiri (dzina lodziwika bwino), wakhala mkhalidwe wa ubwana wake wa "inenso." Mmodzi yemwe amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amawona kuti nthawi zonse amakhala wotanganidwa ndi machitidwe ake. Njira zachikazi izi, monga momwe amadziwira, zinali zolumikizana kwambiri ndi kudziona wamphamvu komanso kudzikayikira. Mwamuna wina anaphunzira kuzindikira kuti chikhalidwe chake chachikazi chimagwirizanitsidwa ndi maubwenzi awiri osiyana: kukhutitsidwa ndi chisangalalo chopanda pake cha gawo la wokongola, wamkazi ngati wamkazi; ndi mantha (kumverera kuti ndi wotsika) polimba mtima pakudzilimba mtima.

Zitenga nthawi kuti muphunzire kulowa mkati mwanu. Mwa njira, zizolowezi zogonana pakati pa amuna ndi akazi nthawi zambiri zimawonetsedwa pakakongoletsedwe ka zovala, zovala ndi njira zosiyanasiyana zolankhulira, kulimbitsa thupi, kuyenda, kuseka, ndi zina zambiri.

Muyenera kuyang'anitsitsa momwe mumachitira ntchito... Kodi mukuchita ntchito yanu ya tsiku ndi tsiku monyinyirika komanso monyinyirika, kapena mwachimwemwe ndi mphamvu? Ndi udindo? Kapena ndi njira yanu yodzitsimikizira? Kodi mumamuchitira zopanda pake, zosakhutira mopitirira muyeso?

Pambuyo pakudziwonetsetsa kwakanthawi, fotokozani mwachidule mikhalidwe ndi zolinga zofunikira kwambiri za mwana wanu wakhanda, kapena "mwana wamkati." Nthawi zambiri, mutu wa nkhani ukhoza kukhala wothandiza: "Mnyamata wopanda thandizo, wofunafuna chifundo ndi kuthandizidwa" kapena "Mtsikana wokhumudwitsidwa yemwe palibe amene amamvetsetsa", ndi zina zotero. atsikana ". Kukumbukira kotere kumawoneka ngati chithunzi chokhala ndi "mwana wanu wakale" ndipo amatha kumuwonetsa nthawi yomweyo. Chifukwa chake, titha kuwatenga ngati zokumbukira zazikulu. Atha kukhala othandiza kwambiri panthawi yomwe pakufunika kumuwona "mwana "yu m'makhalidwe awo aang'ono kapena pomwe khalidweli liyenera kutsutsidwa. Izi ndi mtundu wa "zithunzi" zamaganizidwe a "malingaliro a mwana" omwe mumanyamula, monga zithunzi za abale anu kapena abwenzi mchikwama chanu. Fotokozani kukumbukira kwanu kofunikira.

Kudzidziwitsa

Magulu ofufuza omwe adafotokozedwa pano pano akukhudzana ndi zochitika zapadera, zamkati ndi zamakhalidwe. Komabe, pali gawo lachiwiri lodzidziwitsa-malingaliro ndi chikhalidwe. Kudziyang'ana wekha kuchokera pamalingaliro awa mwina kumagwirizana ndi mtundu wa kudziyesa kwamaganizidwe omwe atchulidwa pamwambapa. Kudziyesa wekha kwamakhalidwe kumayang'ana kwambiri pachiyambi cha umunthu. Potengera maubwino, kudzidziwitsa nokha, komwe kumatanthauza kumvetsetsa kwamunthu, kumatha kulimbikitsa chidwi chosintha. Tiyenera kukumbukira kuzindikira kopambana kwa Henri Bariuk: "Kuzindikira kwamakhalidwe abwino ndiye mwala wapangodya wa psyche yathu" (1979, 291). Kodi izi sizingakhale zofunikira pakuchiritsa kwamisala, kapena kudzichitira nokha, kapena kuphunzira palokha?

Kudziyesa nokha pakumvetsetsa kwamakhalidwe kumachita ndi mkhalidwe wamkati wosakhazikika, ngakhale umapezeka pamakhalidwe okhazikika. Bambo wina adawona momwe mwanayo ananama nthawi zina poopa kunyozedwa. Mwa ichi adazindikira malingaliro ake, kapena chizolowezi chake, chomwe chinali chakuya kwambiri kuposa chizolowezi chodzitchinjiriza (chifukwa choopa kupweteketsa mtima wake), chomwe ndi kuzika mizu kwake, kudetsedwa kwake kwamakhalidwe ("uchimo," monga Mkhristu anganene). Mulingo wodziwa izi, mosiyana ndi malingaliro okha, ndiwofunikira kwambiri. Amabweretsanso kumasulidwa - ndipo pachifukwa chomwechi; mphamvu yake yochiritsa imatha kuchita zambiri kuposa kumvetsetsa kwamaganizidwe wamba. Koma nthawi zambiri sitingapeze mzere womveka bwino pakati pamaganizidwe ndi chikhalidwe, chifukwa kuzindikira kwamphamvu kwambiri kwamaganizidwe kumakhudzana ndi kukula kwamakhalidwe (mwachitsanzo, kuzindikira kudzimvera chisoni paubwana). Chodabwitsa, zinthu zambiri zomwe timazitcha "zachibwana" timamvekanso kuti ndi olakwa pamakhalidwe, nthawi zina ngakhale amakhalidwe oyipa.

Kudzikonda ndicho chofala cha ambiri, ngati si onse, zizolowezi ndi malingaliro, "zoyipa" kumapeto amodzi amachitidwe osinthasintha zochitika; kumbali inayo, maubwino, zizolowezi zamakhalidwe abwino. Omwe akufuna kudziwa momwe angakhalire ndi neurotic atha kukhala othandiza kuti adziwonere okha pamakhalidwe. Zomwe muyenera kumvera:

1. Kukhutitsidwa - kusakhutira (kutanthauza, kuzolowera kudzililira ndikudzilungamitsa);

2. kulimbika - mantha;

3. kudekha mtima, kukhazikika - kufooka, chifooke, kupewa zovuta, kudzisangalatsa;

4. Kudziletsa - kusadziletsa, kudziletsa, kudzisangalatsa (kusadziletsa kumatha kukhala koyipa pakudya, kumwa, kuyankhula, kugwira ntchito kapena kusilira mitundu yonse);

5. khama, khama - ulesi (m'dera lililonse);

6. kudzichepetsa, zenizeni pokhudzana ndi wekha - kunyada, kudzikuza, zachabechabe, zoyenda (fotokozerani momwe mungakhalire);

7. kudzichepetsa - kusadziletsa;

8. kuwona mtima ndi kuwona mtima - kusawona mtima, kusakhulupirika komanso chizolowezi chonama (tchulani);

9. kudalirika - kusadalirika (mokhudzana ndi anthu, zochita, malonjezo);

10. udindo (kuzindikira ntchito) - kusasamala (pokhudzana ndi banja, abwenzi, anthu, ntchito, magawo);

11. kumvetsetsa, kukhululuka - kubwezera zoipa, kupsa mtima, mkwiyo, kuvulaza (poyerekeza ndi abale, abwenzi, ogwira nawo ntchito, ndi zina zambiri);

12. chisangalalo chachizolowezi chokhala ndi umbombo (tchulani mawonetseredwe).

Mafunso ofunikira kwa omwe amafunsa chidwi chawo:

Kuganizira ntchito zanga ndi zokonda zanga, zanga ndi chiyani cholinga chenicheni m'moyo? Kodi zomwe ndimachita ndikuzilingalira ndekha kapena anthu ena, kuti ndikwaniritse ntchito, ndikwaniritse zolinga, malingaliro abwino? (Zolinga zakudzitsogolera ndikuphatikizapo: ndalama ndi katundu, mphamvu, kutchuka, kudziwika pagulu, chidwi cha anthu ndi / kapena ulemu, moyo womasuka, chakudya, chakumwa, kugonana).

8. Zomwe muyenera kukulitsa mwa inu nokha

Kuyambika kwa nkhondoyi: chiyembekezo, kudziletsa, kudzipereka

Kudziwa bwino za inu nokha ndi gawo loyamba pakusintha kulikonse. Pamene mankhwalawa akupita (ndipo iyi ndi nkhondo), kudzizindikira nokha ndikusintha kumakula. Mutha kuwona zambiri, koma mumvetsetsa zambiri pakapita nthawi.

Kukhala ndi chidziwitso champhamvu zamitsempha yanu kumakupatsani chipiriro, ndipo kuleza mtima kumalimbitsa chiyembekezo. Chiyembekezo ndi malingaliro abwino komanso athanzi olimbana ndi mitsempha. Nthawi zina chiyembekezo chimatha kupangitsa mavuto kukhala osavuta komanso kutha kwakanthawi. Komabe, mizu ya zizolowezi zomwe zimapanga neurosis sizovuta kuzichotsa, chifukwa chake zizindikilozo zimayambanso. Komabe, pakusintha konse, chiyembekezo chiyenera kuyamikiridwa. Chiyembekezo chimakhazikika mu zenizeni: ziribe kanthu kuti munthu ali ndi vuto lotani - choncho amuna kapena akazi okhaokha - malingaliro amawoneka, ngakhale mumachita nawo kangati, bola ngati mutayesetsa kusintha, mudzawona zopambana. Kukhumudwa ndi gawo lamasewera, nthawi zambiri, koma muyenera kuyesetsa, mudzilimbitse nokha, ndikupitilizabe. Chiyembekezo choterechi chili ngati chiyembekezo chodekha osati chisangalalo.

Gawo lotsatira - kudziletsa - ndikofunikira kwambiri. Gawo ili limakhudza, makamaka, zinthu wamba: kudzuka nthawi yina; kutsatira malamulo aukhondo, kudya, tsitsi ndi zovala; kukonzekera masana (pafupifupi, osasamala komanso mozama), zosangalatsa komanso moyo wamagulu. Chongani ndipo yambani kugwira ntchito m'malo omwe mukusowa kapena osadziletsa. Anthu ambiri omwe ali ndi zizolowezi zogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amavutika kudziletsa. Kunyalanyaza nkhanizi ndikuyembekeza kuti machiritso am'maganizo asintha china chilichonse kukhala chabwino ndikopusa. Palibe mankhwala omwe angakuthandizeni kupeza zotsatira zokhutiritsa ngati munganyalanyaze gawo lodziletsa pakudziletsa tsiku ndi tsiku. Bwerani ndi njira yosavuta yothetsera zofooka zanu. Yambani ndi gawo limodzi kapena awiri pomwe mulephera; mutakwanitsa kusintha mwa iwo, mudzagonjetsa ena onse mosavuta.

Mwachilengedwe, kudzipereka kumafunikira apa. Choyamba, kudzipereka kwa inu eni. Izi zikutanthauza kuyeseza moona mtima zonse zomwe zimachitika mu malingaliro anu, zolinga zanu ndi cholinga chanu, kuphatikizira chikumbumtima. Kudziyimira sikutanthauza kuti mudzitsimikizire nokha kukukayikira kwamalingaliro ndi malingaliro anu omwe mumawatcha "theka labwinoko", koma poyesera kukambirana za iwo mosavuta komanso momveka, kuti muwazindikire momwe mungathere. (Khalani ndi chizolowezi cholemba zinthu zofunika kuzilingalira.)

Kuphatikiza apo, kudzipereka mtima kumatanthauza kuwulula molimbika zofooka zanu ndi zolakwa zanu kwa munthu wina yemwe, monga othandizira kapena mtsogoleri / othandizira, amakuthandizani. Pafupifupi munthu aliyense amakhala ndi chizolowezi chobisira iwo eni komanso zomwe akumva. Komabe, kuthana ndi chopinga ichi sikuti kumangobweretsa kumasulidwa, komanso ndikofunikira kupita patsogolo.

Pazofunikira pamwambazi, Mkristu adzawonjezeranso kudzipereka pamaso pa Mulungu pakuwunika kwa chikumbumtima chake, popemphera ndi Iye. Umboni wokhudzana ndi Mulungu ungakhale, mwachitsanzo, pemphero lothandizidwa popanda kukhalapo koyesera kuyesera kuyesetsa kwathu kuchita zomwe tingathe, ngakhale zitakhala bwanji.

Popeza malingaliro amtundu wa neurotic amadzivulaza, ndikofunikira kuchenjeza kuti kuona mtima sikuyenera kukhala kosewera, koma modekha, osavuta komanso omasuka.

Momwe mungathanirane ndi kudzimvera chisoni kwa neurotic. Udindo wa kudzinyenga nokha

Mukakhala m'moyo wanu watsiku ndi tsiku mumapeza mawonekedwe a "mwana wong'ung'udza wamkati", ingoganizirani kuti "chinthu chonyansa" ichi chikuyima pamaso panu mthupi, kapena kuti wamkulu "Ine" wazisintha yekha ndi mwana, kotero kuti thupi lokha ndi latsala. Kenako onani zomwe mwana uyu azichita, zomwe angaganize ndi zomwe angamve pazinthu zina kuchokera pamoyo wanu. Kuti muyerekezere bwino "mwana" wanu wamkati, mutha kugwiritsa ntchito "kukumbukira kukumbukira", chithunzi chamalingaliro a "Ine" wa mwana wanu.

Kusintha kwazinthu zomwe zimachitika mwa mwana ndizosavuta kuzindikira. Mwachitsanzo, wina akuti: "Ndimamva ngati ndili mwana (ngati kuti andikana, sandipeputsa, ndimakhala ndi nkhawa ndikamasungulumwa, kundichititsa manyazi, kumadzudzula, ndimaopa munthu wofunika, kapena ndikwiya, ndikufuna kuchita chilichonse pa cholinga komanso ngakhale, etc.). Komanso, wina wakunja amatha kuwona zomwe akuchita ndikuzindikira: "Iwe ukukhala ngati mwana!"

Koma kuvomereza mwa iwemwini sikophweka nthawi zonse, ndipo pali zifukwa ziwiri.

Poyamba, ena angakane kudziona ngati mwana: "Ndimamva chisoni kwambiri!", "Mwina ndili mwana munjira zina, koma ndili ndi zifukwa zosangalalira ndikukhumudwitsa!" Mwachidule , kudziyang'ana moona mtima kumatha kulepheretsa kunyada kwa ana. Komabe, malingaliro ndi zochitika mkati zimatha kukhala zobisika. Nthawi zina zimakhala zovuta kuzindikira malingaliro anu, malingaliro anu kapena zokhumba zanu; Kuphatikiza apo, sizingakhale zodziwikiratu zomwe zidakhumudwitsa anthu mkati mwanjira imeneyi kapena machitidwe a ena.

Pachiyambi choyamba, kuwona mtima kumathandiza, monga kwachiwiri - kusinkhasinkha, kusanthula, kulingalira kudzakuthandizani. Lembani zosamveka bwino ndikukambirana nawo ndi othandizira kapena othandizira; mungaone kuti kuwunika kwake kapena mafunso ovuta ndi othandiza. Ngati izi sizikubweretsa yankho lokhutiritsa, mutha kuimitsa kaye kanthawiyo. Pamene mukuyesa kudziyesa nokha ndikudzichiritsa nokha, momwe mumadziwira "mwana wanu wamkati" ndi momwe amachitira, zochitika zosadziwika sizikhala zofala.

Komabe, padzakhala zochitika zambiri pomwe madandaulo a "mwana", zikhalidwe zaumwana zamunthu zamkati ndi zakunja zimawonekera popanda kuwunika. Nthawi zina zimakhala zokwanira kungodziwa kuti "wosasangalala" - ndipo mtunda wamkati ungabuke pakati pa inu ndi malingaliro aubwana, kudzimvera chisoni. Kumverera kosasangalatsa sikuyenera kusowa kwathunthu kuti muchepetse kuwongola kwake.

Nthawi zina zimakhala zofunikira kuphatikiza chinyengo, kutsindika kupusa kwa "wopanda tsoka" - mwachitsanzo, kuchitira chifundo "mwana wamkati", mwana wanu wachinyamata "I": "O, ndizomvetsa chisoni bwanji! Zamanyazi bwanji! - Osauka! " Ngati zingagwire ntchito, kumwetulira kochepa kudzawonekera, makamaka ngati mumatha kulingalira zowawa pamaso pa mwanayu kuyambira kale. Njirayi ingasinthidwe kuti igwirizane ndi zokonda zanu komanso nthabwala. Sekelezani zaubwana wanu.

Chabwinonso, ngati mutakhala ndi mwayi wonyoza chonchi pamaso pa ena: awiri akamaseka, zotsatira zake zimakulirakulira.

Pali madandaulo omwe ali olimba kwambiri, ngakhale owonera kwambiri, makamaka omwe amagwirizana ndi mfundo zitatu: ndikakumana ndi kukanidwa - mwachitsanzo, kunyada kwa mwana wovulala, wopanda pake, wonyansa komanso wonyozeka; ndi madandaulo a thanzi labwino, monga kutopa; ndipo, pamapeto pake, ndimapanikizika chifukwa chakuchitiridwa zinthu zopanda chilungamo kapena mikhalidwe yovuta. Pazodandaula ngati izi, gwiritsani ntchito njira ya hyperdramatization yopangidwa ndi wazamisala Arndt. Zimangokhala kuti kudandaula kwachisoni kapena kwachinyamata kumakokomeza kufikira zopanda pake, kotero kuti munthu amayamba kumwetulira kapena kuseka. Njirayi idagwiritsidwa ntchito mwanzeru ndi wolemba zisudzo waku France wazaka za zana la 17 Moliere, yemwe adadwala matenda osokoneza bongo a hypochondria: adawonetsera zomwe amakonda mu nthabwala, ngwazi yomwe idakokomeza kuvutika kwake ndi matenda amalingaliro kotero kuti omvera ndi wolemba mwiniyo adaseka kwambiri.

Kuseka ndi mankhwala abwino kwambiri amanjenje. Koma zimatenga kulimba mtima komanso kuphunzitsidwa munthu asananene china chake chodzinyenga (kutanthauza mwana wake), amadzipanga chithunzi choseketsa kapena amapinda dala pamaso pagalasi, kutsanzira umunthu wa mwanayo, machitidwe ake, mawu omveka bwino, kudziseka ndi zopweteka. "Ine" wamanjenje amadzitenga mozama kwambiri - kukumana ndi zodandaula zilizonse ngati tsoka lenileni. Chosangalatsa ndichakuti, nthawi yomweyo, munthu amatha kukhala nthabwala komanso nthabwala pazinthu zomwe sizimamukhudza iye.

Hyperdramatization ndiye njira yodzinyinyirira, koma ina iliyonse ingagwiritsidwe ntchito.

Mwambiri, nthabwala zimathandizira kuzindikira kuyanjana, kupezeka kwa kudzimva ngati "ofunika" kapena "zomvetsa chisoni", kulimbana ndi zodandaula komanso kudzimvera chisoni, ndikwabwino kuvomereza zosalephera ndipo, popanda kudandaula, kuvuta zovuta, kumathandizira munthu kuti athe kuzindikira zenizeni. onani kuphatikiza kwenikweni kwa mavuto awo poyerekeza ndi mavuto a ena. Zonsezi zikutanthauza kuti ndikofunikira kukulitsa lingaliro lakudziko komanso anthu ena opangidwa ndi zongoyerekeza.

Ndi hyperdramatization, zokambiranazo zimamangidwa ngati "mwana" ali patsogolo pathu kapena ali mkati mwathu. Mwachitsanzo, ngati kudzimvera chisoni kumabwera chifukwa cha kupanda chikondi kapena kukanidwa, munthuyo atha kuyankhula ndi mwana wamkatiyo motere: “Vanya wosauka, unachitiridwa nkhanza bwanji! Mukumenyedwa ponseponse, o, ngakhale zovala zanu zidang'ambika, koma mikwingwirima iti! .. "Ngati mukumva kunyada ngati mwana, mutha kunena izi:" Osauka, adakuponya, Napoleon, ngati agogo ake a Lenin mzaka za m'ma XNUMX? "- ndipo nthawi yomweyo, taganizirani khamu loseketsa ndi" wosauka "womangidwa ndi zingwe, akulira. Podzimvera chisoni chifukwa cha kusungulumwa, kofala kwambiri pakati pa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, mungayankhe motere: “Ndizomvetsa chisoni bwanji! Malaya anu anyowa, mapepala ali onyowa, ngakhale mawindo amafota ndi misozi yanu! Pansi kale pali matope, ndipo mmenemo nsomba zokhala ndi maso achisoni akusambira mozungulira "... ndi zina zambiri.

Amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, samadziona kuti ndi okongola kuposa amuna kapena akazi anzawo, ngakhale zimawapweteka kuvomereza. Poterepa, sinthani madandaulo akulu (kuonda, kulemera mopitilira muyeso, makutu akulu, mphuno, mapewa opapatiza, ndi zina zambiri). Kuti musadzifananitse nokha ndi anthu ena, owoneka bwino, lingalirani "mwana" wanu ngati wosakhazikika, wosiyidwa ndi aliyense, wopunduka, wovala zovala zopanda pake zomwe zimamvera chisoni. Mwamuna amatha kudziyesa ngati kulira pang'ono, wopanda minofu ndi nyonga, ndi mawu ofinya, ndi zina zotero. Mkazi amatha kulingalira za "msungwana" wowopsa kwambiri wokhala ndi ndevu, ma biceps ngati a Schwarzenegger, ndi zina zambiri. chinthu chosauka kwa fano lokongola, kukokomeza nzeru za anthu ena, talingalirani kulira kofunafuna chikondi kwa "wosauka" yemwe amafera mumsewu, pomwe anthu ena amadutsa, akumanyalanyaza wopemphapempha wamng'ono uyu wanjala yachikondi.

Mwanjira ina, taganizirani za chochitika chosangalatsa kwambiri pomwe wokonda wokondeka amatenga mwana kapena msungwana yemwe akuvutika kuti ngakhale mwezi ulira ndi mtima wonse: "Pomaliza, chikondi pang'ono, pambuyo pa kuvutika konse!" Tangoganizirani kuti chithunzichi chikuwombera ndi kamera yobisika kenako akuwonetsa mu kanema: omvera akulira osayimilira, owonerera asiya chiwonetsero chathyoledwa, ndikulira mumtima mwawo chifukwa cha chinthu chosautsachi, yemwe, pambuyo pakufufuza kambiri, adapeza kutentha kwaumunthu. Chifukwa chake, kufunikira kowopsa kwa "mwana" kumachitika modabwitsa. Mu hyperdramatization, munthu ndi mfulu kwathunthu, amatha kupanga nkhani zonse, nthawi zina zongopeka zimatha kuphatikizapo zinthu za moyo weniweni. Gwiritsani ntchito chilichonse chomwe chingawonekere choseketsa kwa inu; pezani dzina lanu kuti mudzipangire nokha.

Ngati wina aliyense atsutsa kuti uku ndi kupusa ndi chibwana, ndikuvomereza. Koma nthawi zambiri chitsutso chimachokera pakukaniza kwamkati mwazodzinyenga. Upangiri wanga, ndiye kuti, ndiyambe ndi nthabwala zazing'ono zopanda pake pazovuta zomwe simumaziona kuti ndizofunika kwambiri. Nthabwala zitha kugwira ntchito bwino, ndipo ngakhale zili zoseketsa ngati zaubwana, sitiyenera kuiwala kuti chinyengo chimenechi chimagonjetsa malingaliro aubwana. Kugwiritsa ntchito kudzidalira kumapangitsa kuti pakhale kulowa pang'ono mwaubwana kapena kubereka kwa izi. Gawo loyamba nthawi zonse ndiko kuzindikira ndi kuvomereza zakukhanda komanso kudzimvera chisoni. Onaninso kuti kudzinyenga kumagwiritsidwa ntchito pafupipafupi ndi anthu odzichepetsa, athanzi lamaganizidwe.

Ndibwino makamaka kuyang'anira zomwe timanena ndi momwe timazinenera kuti tidziwe ndikuthana ndi zizolowezi zomvetsa chisoni. Munthuyo akhoza kukhala akudandaula mkati kapena mokweza, chifukwa chake muyenera kuyang'anira zokambirana zanu ndi anzanu kapena anzanu ogwira nawo ntchito ndikuwonetsani nthawi yomwe mukufuna kudandaula. Yesetsani kuti musatsatire chikhumbokhumbo ichi: sinthani nkhaniyo kapena nenani zonga izi: "Izi ndizovuta (zoyipa, zolakwika, ndi zina zambiri), koma tiyenera kuyesetsa kuti tithandizire kwambiri." Pochita kuyesayesa kosavuta uku nthawi ndi nthawi, mupeza kuti chizolowezi chodandaula za tsogolo lanu ndi mantha anu, komanso nthawi zambiri komanso mosavuta mumagonja pamayeserowa. Ndikofunikanso kupewa kukhudzika mtima ena akamadandaula, kufotokozera kukwiya kwawo kapena kusakondwa kwawo.

Chithandizo "choipa", komabe, si mtundu wosavuta wa "malingaliro abwino." Palibe cholakwika chilichonse pofotokozera zachisoni kapena zovuta kwa abwenzi kapena abale - bola ngati zichitike ndikudziletsa, molingana ndi zenizeni. Zoyipa zabwinobwino ndi malingaliro sayenera kutayidwa chifukwa chongokokomeza "malingaliro abwino": mdani wathu amangodzimvera chisoni paubwana. Yesetsani kusiyanitsa pakati pamawu achizolowezi achisoni ndi kukhumudwa ndi kulira kwaubwana ndikulira.

"Koma kuvutika komanso nthawi yomweyo osadzichitira chisoni achichepere, osadandaula, mumafunikira kulimba mtima!" - mumatsutsa. Zowonadi, kulimbana kumeneku kumafuna zoposa kungoseketsa chabe. Zikutanthauza kuti mudzayenera kugwira ntchito pawokha nthawi zonse, tsiku ndi tsiku.

Kuleza mtima ndi kudzichepetsa

Kugwira ntchito molimbika kumabweretsa zabwino za kuleza mtima - kuleza mtima ndi iwe mwini, zolephera zako, ndikumvetsetsa kuti kusintha kumachitika pang'onopang'ono. Kuleza mtima ndichikhalidwe cha unyamata: ndizovuta kuti mwana avomereze zofooka zake, ndipo akafuna kusintha china chake, amakhulupirira kuti zichitike nthawi yomweyo. Mosiyana ndi izi, kudzivomereza nokha (komwe kuli kosiyana kwambiri ndi kufooka kwa kufooka) kumatanthauza kuyesetsa kwambiri, koma nthawi yomweyo modzivomereza modekha ndi zofooka zanu komanso ufulu wolakwitsa. Mwanjira ina, kudzivomereza kumatanthauza kuphatikiza zenizeni, kudzilemekeza komanso kudzichepetsa.

Kudzichepetsa ndichinthu chachikulu chomwe chimapangitsa munthu kukhala wokhwima. M'malo mwake, aliyense wa ife ali ndi malo ake obisika, ndipo zolakwika nthawi zambiri - pamalingaliro ndi mwamakhalidwe. Kudziyerekeza ngati "ngwazi" yopambana ndiye kuganiza ngati mwana; Chifukwa chake, kusewera gawo lowopsa ndi lachibwana, kapena, mwanjira ina, chisonyezo cha kusadzichepetsa. Karl Stern akuti: "Zomwe amati ndizocheperako ndizotsutsana kotheratu ndi kudzichepetsa kwenikweni" (1951, 97). Kuchita masewera olimbitsa thupi chifukwa chodzichepetsa kumathandiza kwambiri polimbana ndi neurosis. Ndipo kudzinyenga kuti tipeze kulumikizana kwa umunthu wakhanda ndikutsutsa zomwe akuti ndizofunikira zitha kuwonedwa ngati njira yodzichepetsera.

Vuto lodzichepetsera nthawi zambiri limatsagana ndi lingaliro lodzikweza kudera lina kapena lina. Kudzikonda kwa mwanayo kumayesa kutsimikizira kufunikira kwake, ndipo, polephera kuvomereza kudzikayikira kwake, amatengeka ndi kudzimvera chisoni. Ana mwachilengedwe amakhala odzikonda, amadzimva "ofunikira" ngati kuti ali pakatikati pa chilengedwe chonse; amakonda kunyada, ndizowona, ali ana - chifukwa ndi ana. Mwanjira ina, pamavuto ena aliwonse onyadira amakhala ndi kunyada kovulazidwa, mpaka momwe mwana wamkati savomerezera kunyozeka kwake (akuti). Izi zikufotokozera zoyeserera zotsatirazo zolipirira: "M'malo mwake, ndine wapadera - Ndine wabwino kuposa ena." Izi, zimathandizanso kuti tidziwe chifukwa chake podzilimbitsa tokha, pochita maudindo, pakulakalaka kukhala malo achitetezo ndi chifundo, tikukumana ndi kusadzichepetsa: kudzidalira kwakanthawi kokhudzana ndi megalomania. Chifukwa chake, amuna ndi akazi omwe ali ndi vuto logonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, atasankha kuti zokhumba zawo ndi "zachilengedwe", nthawi zambiri amagonjera pakukakamiza kuti asinthe kusiyana kwawo kukhala kwakukulu. Zomwezo zitha kunenedwa za ana ogona ana: André Gide adalongosola "chikondi" chake kwa anyamata ngati chiwonetsero chachikulu kwambiri chachikondi cha amuna kwa amuna. Chowona chakuti amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, m'malo mwa zachilendozo m'malo mwa chilengedwe ndikutcha chowonadi chabodza, amayendetsedwa ndi kunyada si lingaliro chabe; izi zikuwonekeranso m'miyoyo yawo. "Ndinali mfumu," wachichepere wina wakale adafotokoza zakumbuyo kwake. Amuna okhaokha omwe amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndi achabechabe, amakhalidwe onyodoka komanso mavalidwe - nthawi zina amatha malire pamalire. Amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amanyoza umunthu "wamba", maukwati "wamba", mabanja "wamba"; kudzikuza kwawo kumawachititsa khungu kuzinthu zambiri.

Chifukwa chake kudzikuza komwe amapezeka mwa amuna ndi akazi ambiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndiwopitilira muyeso. Kudziona kuti ndi otsika, zovuta za ana "zosakhala zawo" zidadzikuza ndikudzikuza: "Sindine wa inu! M'malo mwake, ndine wabwino kuposa inu - ndine wapadera! Ndine wosiyana: Ndine waluso, makamaka wovuta. Ndipo ndiyenera kuvutika makamaka. " Nthawi zina kudzimva kopitilira muyeso kumayikidwa ndi makolo, chidwi chawo chapadera ndikuwathokoza - zomwe zimawonedwa makamaka muubwenzi ndi kholo lomwe si amuna kapena akazi anzawo. Mnyamata yemwe amakondedwa ndi amayi ake amatha kukhala ndi malingaliro apamwamba, monga msungwana yemwe amatembenuzira mphuno yake kutcheru ndi ulemu wa abambo ake. Kudzikuza kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ambiri kumayambiranso kuyambira ali mwana, ndipo, mwa ichi, amayenera kuwamvera chisoni ngati ana opanda nzeru: kuphatikiza ndi kudziona kuti ndi otsika, kudzikuza kumapangitsa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kukhala osatetezeka komanso makamaka kutsutsidwa.

Kudzichepetsa, m'malo mwake, kumamasula. Kuti muphunzire kudzichepetsa, muyenera kuzindikira m'makhalidwe anu, mawu ndi malingaliro a zopanda pake, kudzikuza, kudzikuza, kudzitamandira komanso kudzitamandira, komanso zizindikiro za kunyada ovulala, osafuna kuvomereza motsutsa. M'pofunika kutsutsa, mokoma mtima kuseka iwo, kapena kusiya zina. Izi zimachitika munthu akapanga chithunzi chatsopano cha "Ine", "Ine-weniweni", pozindikira kuti alidi ndi maluso, koma luso ndilochepa, maluso "wamba" a munthu odzichepetsa, osasiyanitsidwa ndi chinthu chapadera.

9. Kusintha kwa kaganizidwe ndi khalidwe

Panthawi yolimbana kwamkati ndi malingaliro okonda kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, chidwi ndi kuthekera kodzidziwikitsa kuyenera kudzutsidwa.

Kufunika kwa chifuniro kumakhala kovuta kupitilira. Malingana ngati munthu amasangalala ndi zikhumbo zogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, zoyesayesa sizingayende bwino. Zowonadi, nthawi iliyonse munthu akamachita zogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha mobwerezabwereza, chidwi ichi chimakula - kuyerekezera ndi uchidakwa kapena chizolowezi chosuta ndikofunikira pano.

Chisonyezero choterocho cha kufunikira kwakukulu kwa chifuniro sichitanthauza, kumene, kuti kudzidziwitsa wekha kulibe ntchito; komabe, kudzidziwitsa wekha sikupatsa mphamvu kuthana ndi zilakolako zakugonana kwa ana - izi ndizotheka pokhapokha mothandizidwa ndi kufuna kwathunthu. Kulimbana uku kuyenera kuchitika modekha, osachita mantha: ndikofunikira kuchita moleza mtima komanso mozama - monga munthu wamkulu akuyesetsa kuwongolera zovuta. Musalole chilakolako chofuna kukuopsezani, musachipange kukhala choopsa, osachikana, komanso musakokomeze kukhumudwa kwanu. Ingoyesani kunena kuti ayi ku chikhumbo ichi.

Tisapeputse kufuna kwathu. Mu psychotherapy yamakono, kutsindika kumakhazikitsidwa pazozindikira (psychoanalysis) kapena pa kuphunzira (kakhalidwe, psychology yamaphunziro), komabe, ndizofunikira kwambiri pakusintha: kuzindikira ndi kuphunzitsa ndikofunikira, koma kulimbikira kwake kumadalira zomwe akufuna .

Mwa kudziwonetsera, wogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ayenera kupanga chisankho chokhazikika: "Sindimasiya mwayi wofunira amuna kapena akazi okhaokha." Pachigamulo ichi ndikofunikira kukula mosalekeza - mwachitsanzo, kubwereranso nthawi zonse, makamaka modekha, pomwe kulingalira sikudzaza ndi chilakolako chogonana. Pambuyo pakupanga chisankho, munthu amatha kusiya kuyesedwa kwazosangalatsa zazing'ono zogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kapena zosangalatsa za homoerotic, kuti apereke nthawi yomweyo komanso kwathunthu, osakhala ndiwiri mkati. Nthawi zambiri, pomwe amuna kapena akazi okhaokha "amafuna kuchiritsidwa, koma sanachite bwino, mfundoyi ndiyotheka kuti" chisankho "sichinapangidwe pamapeto pake, chifukwa chake sangathe kumenya nkhondo mwamphamvu ndipo ali wokonda kuimba mlandu mphamvu ya kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kapena zochitika. Pambuyo pazaka zingapo zakupambana pang'ono ndipo nthawi zina amabwereranso m'malingaliro ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amazindikira kuti sanafunenso kuthana ndi chilakolako chake, "Tsopano ndazindikira chifukwa chake zinali zovuta kwambiri. Zachidziwikire, nthawi zonse ndimafuna kupulumutsidwa, koma osati XNUMX%! " Chifukwa chake, ntchito yoyamba ndikuyesetsa kuyeretsa chifuniro. Ndiye m'pofunika kuti nthawi ndi nthawi musinthe njirayo kuti ikhale yolimba, ikhale chizolowezi, apo ayi, yankho lidzafookanso.

Ndikofunika kumvetsetsa kuti padzakhala mphindi, ngakhale maola, pomwe ufulu wakudzisankhira udzaukiridwa mwamphamvu ndi zilakolako zosilira. "Nthawi zotere, pamapeto pake ndimafuna kuchita zofuna zanga," ambiri amakakamizidwa kuvomereza. Pakadali pano kulimbanaku sikusangalatsa kwenikweni; koma ngati munthu alibe chikalata chovomerezeka, zimakhala zosapiririka.

Zikhumbo zogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha zitha kukhala zamitundu yosiyanasiyana: mwachitsanzo, chikhumbo chongolota za mlendo yemwe amamuwona mumsewu kapena kuntchito, pa TV kapena pachithunzi m'nyuzipepala; itha kukhala loto-chokumana nacho choyambitsidwa ndi malingaliro ena kapena zokumana nazo m'mbuyomu; Kungakhale chilimbikitso kupita kukafunafuna mnzako usiku. Pankhaniyi, chisankho "ayi" nthawi ina chidzakhala chosavuta kupanga kuposa china. Chikhumbo chimatha kukhala champhamvu kwambiri kotero kuti malingaliro amakhala amtambo, kenako munthu amakakamizidwa kuti achite mwakufuna kwawo. Mfundo ziwiri zitha kuthandizira munthawi yovutayi: "Ndiyenera kukhala woona mtima, woona mtima, sindidzinyenga," komanso "Ndili ndi ufulu, ngakhale ndili ndi chidwi chotere." Timaphunzitsa chifuniro chathu tikazindikira kuti: "Ndikutha kusuntha dzanja langa tsopano, nditha kunyamuka ndikunyamuka pakadali pano - ndikungoyenera kudzipatsa lamulo. Komanso ndi chifuniro changa kuti ndikhale mchipinda chino ndikudziwonetsa ndekha kuti ndikulamulira malingaliro anga komanso zomwe ndikufunsa. Ngati ndili ndi ludzu, nditha kusankha kuti ndisalandire ludzalo! " Zochepera zingathandize apa: mwachitsanzo, mutha kunena mokweza kuti: "Ndasankha kukhala kunyumba," kapena, nditalemba kapena kuloweza malingaliro angapo othandiza, mawu, kuwawerenga panthawi yoyesedwa.

Koma ndizosavuta kuyang'anitsitsa mwakachetechete - kuthyola zifanizo popanda kuganizira momwe munthuyo akuonekera kapena chithunzicho. Lingaliro limakhala losavuta tikazindikira china chake. Yesetsani kuzindikira kuti mukayang'ana winayo, mwina mukufanizira, "O! Prince wokongola! Mkazi wamkazi! Ndipo ine ... poyerekeza ndi iwo sindine kanthu. " Zindikirani kuti zolimbikitsa izi ndizongofuna zokhazokha zaubwana wanu: "Ndiwe wokongola kwambiri, wamwamuna (wamkazi). Chonde mundimvere, wosasangalala! " Momwe munthu amadziwa zambiri za "wosauka", kumakhala kosavuta kuti atalikirane naye ndikugwiritsa ntchito chida chakufunira kwake.

Njira yabwino yodzithandizira ndi kuwona momwe kusakhwima kufunafuna kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, kaya ndi zongoyerekeza kapena zenizeni. Yesetsani kuzindikira kuti mukulakalaka simuli wamkulu, munthu wodalirika, koma mwana yemwe akufuna kudzipukusa ndi chisangalalo komanso chisangalalo chamthupi. Dziwani kuti ichi si chikondi chenicheni, koma kudzikonda, chifukwa mnzanuyo amadziwika kuti ndi chinthu cholandirira chisangalalo, osati monga munthu, munthu. Izi ziyenera kukumbukiridwanso ngati kulibe chilakolako chogonana.

Mukamvetsetsa kuti kukhutitsidwa ndi kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha mwachibadwa ndi kwachibwana komanso kudzikonda, mumazindikiranso kuti ndiodetsedwa. Chilakolako chimasokoneza malingaliro, koma sichitha konse kumveka chikumbumtima: ambiri amaganiza kuti kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kapena kuseweretsa maliseche ndichinthu chodetsedwa. Kuti muzindikire izi momveka bwino, m'pofunika kulimbitsa kutsimikiza kukana izi: motsutsana ndi malingaliro athanzi, chodetsa chimawoneka bwino kwambiri. Ndipo osadandaula ngati malingaliro awa amanyozedwa ndi omwe amaikira kumbuyo amuna kapena akazi okhaokha - amakhala osawona mtima. Zachidziwikire, aliyense amasankha yekha ngati angaganizire zoyera ndi zosayera. Koma tiyeni tikumbukire kuti kukana pamlanduwu ndi ntchito ya chitetezo "chonyalanyaza". Wina kasitomala wanga anali ndi zokhumba zonse zomwe zimayang'ana pachinthu chimodzi: Amanunkhira zovala zamkati za achinyamata ndikuganiza zamasewera azakugonana nawo. Anathandizidwa ndi lingaliro ladzidzidzi loti kuchita izi ndikonyansa: adamva kuti akuzunza thupi la abwenzi ake m'malingaliro ake, akugwiritsa ntchito zovala zawo zamkati mokhutira. Lingaliro ili lidamupangitsa kuti azimva wodetsedwa, wodetsedwa. Monga momwe zimakhalira ndi machitidwe ena achiwerewere, kulowerera kwamkati mwamakhalidwe (mwanjira ina, tikazindikira kuti mchitidwewo ndiwosavomerezeka), ndikosavuta kunena kuti ayi.

Kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha nthawi zambiri kumakhala "yankho lolimbikitsa" mutakumana ndi zokhumudwitsa kapena zokhumudwitsidwa. Zikatero, kudzimvera chisoni komwe kulipo mu izi kuyenera kuzindikiridwa ndikuwonjezeka, chifukwa zovuta zomwe zidakumana ndi zovuta nthawi zambiri sizimayambitsa malingaliro olakwika. Komabe, zikhumbo zogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha zimayamba nthawi ndi nthawi komanso m'malo osiyana kotheratu, pamene munthu akumva bwino ndipo saganiziranso za izi. Izi zitha kuyambitsidwa ndi kukumbukira, mayanjano. Munthu amazindikira kuti amapezeka kuti anali mumkhalidwe wakale wogonana ndi amuna kapena akazi okhaokha: mumzinda wina, malo ena ake, tsiku linalake, ndi zina zotero. Mwadzidzidzi, chilakolako chofuna kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha chimabwera - ndipo munthuyo amatengeka modabwa. Koma mtsogolomo, ngati munthu amadziwa nthawi ngati izi kuchokera pazomwe adakumana nazo, azikonzekera, kuphatikiza ndikudzikumbutsa nthawi zonse za chisankho chosasiya "chithumwa" chodzidzimutsa cha zochitika zapaderazi.

Amuna ambiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, amuna ndi akazi, nthawi zambiri amadziseweretsa maliseche, ndipo izi zimawatsekera munthawi yomwe amakhala ndi chidwi chachikulu komanso amagonana. Kuledzera kumatha kugonjetsedwa pakulimbana kowawa, osagonjera kugwa.

Kulimbana ndi maliseche ndikofanana ndikulimbana ndi zithunzi za homoerotic, koma palinso mbali zina. Kwa ambiri, kuseweretsa maliseche ndi chilimbikitso mutakumana ndi zokhumudwitsa kapena zokhumudwitsa. Munthu amadzilola kuzama m'malingaliro achichepere. Poterepa, mutha kulangiza njira zotsatirazi: m'mawa uliwonse, komanso ngati kuli kofunikira (madzulo kapena musanagone), bwerezani mwamphamvu kuti: "Lero (usiku) sindisiya." Ndi mtima umenewu, zizindikiro zoyambirira za zikhumbo zomwe zikubwera ndizosavuta kuzindikira. Kenako mutha kudziuza kuti, "Ayi, sindidzilola kuti ndizisangalala." Kulibwino ndizivutika pang'ono osapeza Wishlist ". Tangoganizirani mwana yemwe mayi ake akukana kumupatsa maswiti; mwana amakwiya, amayamba kulira, ngakhale ndewu. Ndiye taganizirani kuti uyu ndi "mwana wanu wamkati" ndipo hyperdramatize machitidwe ake ("Ndikufuna maswiti!"). Tsopano nenani izi: "Zachisoni bwanji kuti muyenera kuchita popanda chisangalalo chaching'ono ichi!" Kapena mudziyitane (kwa "mwana" wanu) ngati bambo wokhwima: "Ayi, Vanechka (Mashenka), lero bambo akuti ayi. Palibe zoseweretsa. Mwina mawa. Chitani zomwe abambo wanena! ". Chitani zomwezo mawa. Chifukwa chake, yang'anani lero; palibe chifukwa choganiza: "Sindingathane nazo izi, sindidzazichotsa." Kulimbana kuyenera kukhala tsiku ndi tsiku, umu ndi momwe luso lodziletsa limabwerera. Ndipo kupitirira apo. Osamayerekezera momwe zinthu zilili ngati muonetsa kufooka kapena kusokonekeranso. Dzifunseni kuti: "Inde, ndinali wopusa, koma ndiyenera kupitiliza," monga momwe wothamanga angachitire. Kaya mulephera kapena ayi, mukukulabe, kukhala wamphamvu. Ndipo uku ndikumasulidwa, monga kumasulidwa ku uchidakwa: munthu amamva bwino, mwamtendere, mosangalala.

Palinso chinyengo: pamene chilakolako chogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha chikuwonekera, osataya mtima, koma dzikumbutseni kuti munthu wokhwima amatha kumva kena kake ndipo, ngakhale zili choncho, pitirizani kugwira ntchito kapena kugona mwakachetechete pabedi - ambiri, kudziletsa. Ingoganizirani momveka bwino momwe munthu angalimbikitsire kufuna kwake kuti asadzilole: "Inde, umu ndi momwe ndikufuna kukhalira!" Kapena taganizirani kuti mukuwuza mkazi kapena mwamuna wanu - mnzanu wamtsogolo wamoyo - kapena ana anu (amtsogolo), zamomwe mudalimbana ndi chilakolako chodziseweretsa maliseche. Tangoganizirani momwe mungachitire manyazi mutavomereza kuti simunamenye konse, simunamenye nkhondo, kapena kungosiya.

Kuphatikiza apo, "kudzazidwa kwachikondi" izi m'malingaliro amaliseche kumatha kusinthidwa. Mwachitsanzo, uzani "mwana wanu wamkati": "Amayang'ana kwambiri m'maso mwanu, ndipo mwa iwo - chikondi chamuyaya kwa inu, osauka, ndi kutentha kwa moyo wanu wosweka, wanjala yachikondi ..." ndi zina zambiri, yesani kuseka malingaliro awo kapena zinthu zawo (mwachitsanzo, zamatsenga). Koma, choyambirira, hyperdramatize izi zovuta kuzizindikira, kukuwa, kuyimba, kumenya chifukwa chodandaula kuti: "Ndipatse, wosauka, chikondi chako!" Nthabwala ndi kumwetulira zimathetsa malingaliro okopa amuna okhaokha komanso chidwi chofuna kuseweretsa maliseche chogwirizana nawo. Vuto la kutengeka mtima ndikuti amalepheretsa kudziseka nokha. Mwana wakhanda amatsutsana ndi nthabwala ndi nthabwala zomwe zimayikidwa motsutsana ndi "kufunikira" kwake. Komabe, ngati mumayeserera, mutha kuphunzira kudziseka nokha.

Ndizomveka kuti anthu ambiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ali ndi malingaliro achikulire okhudzana ndi kugonana. Ena amakhulupirira, mwachitsanzo, kuti kuseweretsa maliseche ndikofunikira kuti aphunzitse mphamvu zawo zogonana. Zachidziwikire, zovuta zazing'ono zamwamuna zomwe zimayambitsa malingaliro otere ziyenera kukhala zowonjezeredwa. Musayese "kutsimikizira" zanu "zachimuna" mwa kupopa minofu, kumeta ndevu ndi masharubu, ndi zina zotero. Awa ndi malingaliro achichepere azamuna, ndipo angokutengerani kutali ndi cholinga chanu.

Kwa mkhristu pothana ndi vuto logonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, zingakhale bwino kuphatikiza njira yamaganizidwe ndi zauzimu. Kuphatikiza uku, muzochitika zanga, kumapereka chitsimikizo chabwino cha kusintha.

Kulimbana ndi munthu wopanda pake

Chifukwa chake, pamaso pathu pali mwana wakhanda, wodzikonda "I". Wowerenga mwachidwi, akuwerenga chaputala chodzidziwitsa, atha kukhala kuti adazindikira zikhalidwe zina zazing'ono kapena zosowa mwa iyemwini. Zikuwonekeratu kuti kusintha kwa msinkhu ndi kukhwima mwamalingaliro sizingachitike zokha; chifukwa ichi ndikofunikira kupambana nkhondoyi ndi mwana wakhanda - ndipo zimatenga nthawi.

Munthu amene amakonda kugonana ndi amuna kapena akazi anzawo ayenera kuganizira za “mwana wamkati” amene amasamalidwa komanso amamvera chisoni. Makamaka, mawonekedwe a izi atha kukhala chilakolako chofuna kudzimva kuti wofunika, kapena kulemekezedwa, kapena "kuyamika"; “mwana” wamkati amathanso kulakalaka chikondi, kapena kumumvera chisoni, kapena kumuyanja. Tiyenera kudziwa kuti malingaliro awa, omwe amabweretsa kukhutitsidwa kwamkati, ndi osiyana kwambiri ndi chisangalalo chabwino chomwe munthu amalandila kuchokera ku moyo, kuchokera pakudziwona kwake.

Kuyanjana ndi anthu ena, ndikofunikira kuzindikira zolakalaka zotere kuti "azitonthoze" ndikuzisiya. Popita nthawi, zidzakhala zowonekera kuwona zomwe zochita zathu, malingaliro ndi zolinga zathu zikukulira kuchokera ku kufunikira kwakudziyambitsa kumene. Munthu wopanda tanthauzo amabweretsa chidwi cha anthu ena. Zofuna za chikondi ndi chisoni zimatha kukhala zankhanza: munthu amakodwa mosavuta mu nsanje ndi kaduka ngati anthu ena alandiridwa. Chikhumbo cha "mwana wamkati" wachikondi ndi chisamaliro chimayenera kulekanitsidwa ndi kufunikira kwachibadwa kwa chikondi. Wotsirizayo, makamaka mwa mbali, amamvera kufunika kokonda anthu ena. Mwachitsanzo, chikondi chosakhazikika chimabweretsa chisoni, osati kukwiya komanso kudzimvera chisoni.

Kuyesayesa kulikonse kodzinenera kwachinyamata kuyenera kuponderezedwa - pokhapokha pankhaniyi kupita patsogolo mwachangu ndikotheka. Musaiwale za kuyesa kukhala wofunika m'maso mwanu, kuti muwoneke, kuti mudzitsirire. Nthawi zina kudzinenera kwachichepere kumawoneka ngati "kobwezeretsa", kuyesa kubwezeretsa china chake chomwe chidasowa m'mbuyomu; izi ndi zoona makamaka pakadandaula zakuchepa. M'malo mwake, powakhutiritsa, mumangowonjezera kudzikonzera nokha: zokakamiza zonse zazing'ono ndi malingaliro zimalumikizidwa ngati zotengera zolumikizirana; "Kudyetsa" ena, mumangolimbitsa ena. Kukhazikika kokhwima kumabweretsa chisangalalo komanso chisangalalo chifukwa mutha kuchita chilichonse, koma osati chifukwa choti ndinu "apadera". Kukhazikika kwokhwima kumatanthauzanso kuyamika, chifukwa munthu wokhwima amazindikira kuyanjana kwa zomwe wakwanitsa.

Kuvala maski, kunamizira, kuyesera kupanga mawonekedwe ena apadera - machitidwe amtunduwu amatha kuwoneka ngati akufuna chidwi, chifundo. Kuti muthane ndi izi zonse pagawo la "zisonyezo", mukangozindikira, ndizosavuta - chifukwa cha izi muyenera kungosiya kukondweretsedwa "konyodola". Zotsatira zake zidzakhala kumverera kwa mpumulo, chokumana nacho chaufulu; kumverera kodziyimira pawokha, nyonga ibwera. M'malo mwake, munthu wofunafuna chidwi ndikumachita zinthu amadzidalira pamalingaliro a ena za iye.

Kuphatikiza pa kukhala tcheru kuwonetseredwa kwa kukhanda kwachinyamata komanso kuponderezedwa kwawo, ndikofunikira kugwira ntchito bwino, kutanthauza kuti, kukhala wokonda ntchito. Izi, choyambirira, zikutanthauza kuti munthawi zonse kapena ntchito, munthu azimvera ntchito zake. Zimatanthauza kudzifunsa nokha funso losavuta: "Nditha kubweretsa chiyani ku izi (kukhala msonkhano, kukondwerera banja, ntchito kapena kupumula)?" Mwana wamkati, mbali inayi, ali ndi nkhawa ndi funso, "Ndingapeze chiyani? Kodi ndingapindule chiyani pochita izi; ena angandichitire chiyani? Kodi ndiwakhudza bwanji? " - ndi zina zotero, mu mzimu wa kulingalira kodzikonda. Pofuna kuthana ndi malingaliro osakhwimawa, munthu ayenera kuyesetsa kukwaniritsa zomwe zimawoneka ngati zotheka kuchitapo kanthu kwa ena. Poganizira izi, mwa kusintha malingaliro anu kuchokera kwa ena kupita kwa ena, mutha kukhala osangalala kuposa masiku onse, chifukwa munthu wodzikonda, m'malo mokhala ndi chisangalalo chachilengedwe chokumana ndi abwenzi kapena anzawo, nthawi zambiri amakhudzidwa ndi kufunikira kwake kwa ena. Mwanjira ina, funso nlakuti, maudindo - akulu ndi ang'ono - ndikuganiza kuti ali patsogolo panga? Funso ili liyenera kuyankhidwa pofanizira maudindo ndi zolinga zazitali komanso zochitika za tsiku ndi tsiku. Maudindo anga muubwenzi, ntchito, moyo wabanja, ana anga asanakwane, mokhudzana ndi thanzi langa, thupi, kupumula? Mafunso angawoneke ngati ochepa. Koma pamene mwamuna amakonda kuchita zachiwerewere ndi kudandaula za vuto lowawa, kusankha pakati pa banja ndi "bwenzi," ndipo pamapeto pake amasiya banja lake kukhala wokondedwa, izi zikutanthauza kuti sanamve moona mtima za maudindo ake. M'malo mwake, adapondereza malingaliro awo, ndikuwachititsa chisoni ndikumva chisoni chifukwa cha zovuta zomwe adakumana nazo.

Kuthandiza munthu kukula pamaganizidwe, kusiya kukhala mwana, ndiye cholinga cha chithandizo chilichonse cha ma neuroses. Kuzinena kuti ndi zoyipa, thandizani munthu kuti asamadzichitire yekha, osati kufuna ulemu wachinyamata osati zofuna zake. Mukamayenda m'njira iyi, zokonda za amuna kapena akazi okhaokha zimatsika. Komabe, chifukwa cha izi, ndikofunikira kwambiri pachiyambi kuti muwone momwe mumakhalira ndi zolinga zake pakusakhwima kwanu ndikudziyang'ana pa iwo okha. "Zikuwoneka kuti ndimangoganizira za ine ndekha," amuna kapena akazi okhaokha anganene, "koma chikondi, sindikudziwa." Chofunikira kwambiri maubale a amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndi kudzikonda kwachinyamata: kudzifunira bwenzi. "Ndiye chifukwa chake nthawi zonse ndimangofuna chibwenzi ndi mtsikana, ngakhale mpaka nkhanza," akuvomereza kuti, "Ayenera kukhala wanga kwathunthu." Anthu ambiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amanamizira kuti ndiwosangalala komanso amakonda anzawo, amaganiza zodzinamiza, amayamba kukhulupirira kuti izi ndi zenizeni. M'malo mwake, amasilira kudzikonda ndipo amayesa kumaso. Zikuwululidwa mobwerezabwereza kuti atha kukhala achiwawa ndi anzawo ndipo, osayanjananso nawo. Inde, ichi sichikondi ayi, koma kudzinyenga.

Chifukwa chake, munthu m'modzi yemwe adawonetsa kuwolowa manja kwa abwenzi ake, kuwagulira mphatso zabwino, kuwathandiza ndalama zosowa, m'malo mwake, sanapereke chilichonse - adangogula chifundo chawo. Wina adazindikira kuti amangokhalira kutanganidwa ndi mawonekedwe ake ndipo amawononga pafupifupi malipiro ake onse pazovala, okonzera tsitsi komanso mafuta onunkhiritsa. Ankadziona kuti ndi wotsika komanso wosakongola (zomwe ndi zachilengedwe), ndipo mumtima mwake adadzimvera chisoni. Kulipira kwake kwakukulu komwe kunali kopitilira muyeso ndikubwezeretsa kwodzikonda. Ndi zachilendo kwa wachinyamata kutangwanika ndi tsitsi lawo; koma, pamene akukula, adzavomereza mawonekedwe ake momwe aliri, ndipo izi sizidzakhalanso zofunikira kwa iye. Kwa ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, zimachitika mosiyana: amagwiritsabe chinyengo chawo chaching'ono cha kukongola kwawo kongoganiza, amadziyang'ana kwa nthawi yayitali pakalilore, kapena amayesa kuyenda mumsewu kapena kucheza ndi anthu ena. Kudziseka nokha ndi mankhwala abwino ku izi (mwachitsanzo, "Mnyamata, ukuwoneka bwino!")

Narcissism imatha kukhala ndi mitundu yambiri. Wopanda amuna omwe amachita zolaula mopitirira muyeso amasangalala wopanda vuto lililonse kuchita izi. Zomwezi zimachitikanso ngati bambo yemwe wakulitsa mwamphamvu mwa iye yekha, kapena mosinthika, amasewera "macho". Kupatula pa zonsezi pamakhala chifukwa chachikulu: "Ndiwodabwitsa bwanji!"

Ngati munthu asankha kuwonetsa dala kukonda anthu ena, poyamba izi zimatha kukhumudwitsa, chifukwa akadali "Ine" wake yekha yemwe ali wosangalatsa, osati "Ine" wa ena. Mutha kuphunzira kukonda mwa kukulitsa chidwi cha wina: amakhala bwanji? akumva bwanji? chomwe chingakhale chabwino kwa iye? Kuchokera mkati mwachidwi manja ang'onoang'ono ndi zochita zimabadwa; munthuyo amayamba kumva kuti ali ndiudindo kwa ena. Komabe, izi sizimachitika chimodzimodzi ndi ma neurotic, omwe nthawi zambiri amadzimva kuti ali ndiudindo wokhudzidwa ndi moyo wa ena. Kutenga udindo kwa ena mwanjira iyi ndi imodzi mwanjira zodzinyengerera: "Ndine munthu wofunikira yemwe tsogolo la dziko lapansi limadalira." Kumverera kwa chikondi kumakula chifukwa chodera nkhawa ena chimakula, kuganiza kumamangidwanso ndipo chidwi chimasunthira kuchoka kwa ena kupita kwa ena.

Ambiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha nthawi zina kapena mosasinthasintha amawonetsa kunyada m'njira zawo; ena amakhala m'maganizo awo ("Ndine wabwino kuposa iwe"). Malingaliro otere ayenera kugwidwa nthawi yomweyo ndikudulidwa, kapena kunyozedwa, kukokomeza. "Mwana wamkati wamwamuna" atatupa ndikofunika amachepa, kukhutira ndi zododometsa, makamaka, chikhulupiliro chosazindikira kuti ndiwe mtundu wapadera, waluntha, wopambana, chidzatha. Zinyengo za munthu wamkulu waku Nietzschean ndi chizindikiro cha kusakhwima. Kubwezera ndi chiyani? Kuvomereza moyenera kuti simuli bwino kuposa ena, kuphatikiza mwayi wodziseka nokha.

Kaduka ndi chizindikiro cha kusakhwima. “Ali ndi ichi ndi icho, koma ine ndilibe! Sindingathe kupirira! Osauka ine ... ”Ndiwokongola, wamphamvu, amawoneka wachichepere, moyo umatuluka mwa iye, ndiwothamanga, wotchuka kwambiri, ali ndi kuthekera kwina. Iye ndi wokongola kwambiri, wodzaza ndi chithumwa chochuluka, ukazi, chisomo; amalandira chidwi kwambiri kuchokera kwa anyamata. Mukayang'ana munthu yemwe amagonana ndi amuna kapena akazi anzanu monga momwe mumafunira, chidwi cha ana achichepere komanso kufunitsitsa kulumikizana nawo zimasakanikirana ndi kaduka. Njira yothetsera vutoli ndikusokoneza mawu a "mwanayo": "Mulungu amupatse kuti akhale bwinoko! Ndipo ndiyesetsa kudzisangalatsa ndekha - kuthupi ndi m'maganizo, kukhala ine ngakhale womaliza, mwamuna kapena mkazi wopanda pake. " Hyperdramatization ndi kunyozedwa kwa malingaliro achiwiri achimuna / achikazi mtsogolo zithandizira kuchepetsa kudzikonda muubwenzi ndi amuna kapena akazi okhaokha.

Ngati wowerenga amaganizira mozama za nkhani zachikondi ndi kukhwima kwa umunthu, zimuwonekera: Kulimbana ndi kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kumangotanthauza kulimbana kuti ukhale wokhwima, ndipo nkhondo yamkatiyi ndiimodzi mwazinthu zina zolimbana zomwe munthu aliyense amalipira kuti apitirire kukhanda kwake; Kungoti aliyense ali ndi madera ake okula.

Kusintha Udindo Wanu Wakugonana

Kukhwima kumatanthawuza, mwazinthu zina, kuti munthu amadzimva wachilengedwe komanso wokwanira pantchito yake yobadwa. Nthawi zambiri amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amakhala ndi chidwi chotere: "O, zikadakhala kuti simukadakula!" Kukhala ngati munthu wamkulu kumamveka ngati temberero kwa iwo. Madandaulo achichepere okhudzana ndi jenda zimapangitsa kuti zikhale zovuta kwa iwo kudziona ngati achikulire. Kuphatikiza apo, nthawi zambiri amakhala ndi malingaliro osatheka, okokomeza pazomwe umuna ndi ukazi uli. Amakhala omasuka pantchito ya mwana: "mwana wokoma, wokoma, wokongola", "mwana wopanda thandizo", "mnyamata yemwe amawoneka ngati mtsikana" - kapena "mtsikana wolimba", "msungwana wolimba mtima yemwe sayenera kuwoloka msewu", kapena "msungwana wofooka, woiwalika". Safuna kuvomereza kuti awa ndi abodza "Ine", masks, omwe amafunikira kuti alimbikitsidwe, kuti atenge malo awo pagulu. Nthawi yomweyo, "zisudzo za masks" zitha kupatsa ena - osati onse - chisangalalo chodzimvera chisoni komanso chapadera.

Mwamuna wogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha atha kuyang'ana amuna kapena akazi anzawo, kukwezedwa kukhala fano, ndipo nthawi yomweyo, modabwitsa, munthuyo (kapena m'malo mwake ngati mwana) atha kunyalanyaza amuna, amadzimva kuti ndi "womvera kwambiri", kuposa "wamwano "Amuna. Nthawi zina, zimakhala "zonena za tawuni." Amiseche amatha kunyoza ukazi ngati gawo lachiwiri, zomwe zimakumbukira nthano ya nkhandwe ndi mphesa. Chifukwa chake, ndikofunikira kuthetseratu malingaliro abodza onena za "mtundu winawake", "zina", "gawo lachitatu" - uyu "wamwamuna" wosakhala wamwamuna kapena wamkazi. Izi ndizofunikira, chifukwa munthu amazindikira kuti sali wosiyana ndi amuna ndi akazi wamba. Nimbus yakutchuka imazimiririka, ndipo munthuyo amazindikira kuti zonsezi zinali madandaulo aunyamata onyozeka.

Mwamuna wotsatira malangizo athu azithandizo posachedwa awona chigoba chake "chosakhala chamunthu". Udindo uwu ukhoza kuwonetsedwa pazinthu zazing'ono, mwachitsanzo, pokhulupirira kuti sangathe kupirira mowa. M'malo mwake, ichi ndi chigoba chopanda chidziwitso cha "wachikazi" yemwe ali ndi chizolowezi "choyipa" chotere kuti asayang'ane nacho ". "O, ndikumva kudwala ndikatha kumwa galasi imodzi ya kogogo" - mawu omwe amagwiritsidwa ntchito kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Amadzitsimikizira za izi, kenako, mwachilengedwe, amamva kupweteka, ngati mwana yemwe amaganiza kuti sangayime chakudya, koma nthawi yomweyo samangokhala ndi vuto lililonse. Chotsani chigoba chakumverera ndikuyesera kusangalala ndi sip (chabwino, pokhapokha mutakula msinkhu ndikumwa osamwa) chifukwa ndiye kuti muli ndi ufulu wosankha). "Mowa ndi wa amuna okhaokha," akutero "mwana wamkati" wa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Zovala “zokongola,” “zokongola,” kapena zodzikongoletsa muzovala zomwe zimatsimikizira kusagwirizana kwa amuna kapena "chidwi" ziyenera kuchotsedwa chimodzimodzi. Malaya azimayi, mphete zonyezimira ndi zodzikongoletsera zina, zonunkhira, makongoletsedwe a unisex, komanso malankhulidwe azimayi, matchulidwe, zala ndi manja, mayendedwe ndi mayendedwe - izi ndi zomwe munthu ayenera kutha. Ndizomveka kumvera mawu anu, ojambulidwa pa tepi, kuti muzindikire chinthu chachilendo, ngakhale chosazindikira chomwe chimakhala ngati chikunena kuti: "Ine sindine munthu" (mwachitsanzo, kuyankhula pang'onopang'ono ndi mawu amwano, achisoni, akung'ung'udza, omwe angakwiyitse anthu ena ndipo chikhalidwe cha amuna ambiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha). Mukaphunzira ndikumvetsetsa mawu anu, yesetsani kulankhula modekha, "mwaulemu", momveka bwino komanso mwachilengedwe, ndikuwona kusiyana kwake (gwiritsani chojambulira). Komanso mverani kukana kwamkati komwe kumamveka pantchitoyo.

Ndikosavuta kuti azimayi athetse kusafuna kwawo kuvala madiresi okongola ndi zovala zina zachikazi. Gwiritsani ntchito zodzoladzola, siyani kuwoneka ngati wachinyamata, ndipo konzekerani kulimbana ndi malingaliro akuti "kukhala wachikazi si kwa ine" kukuwonekera. Lekani kusewera munthu wolimba mtima momwe mumalankhulira (mvetserani nokha pa tepi), manja ndi mayendedwe.

Muyenera kusintha chizolowezi chodzipangira pazinthu zazing'ono. Mwachitsanzo, amuna kapena akazi okhaokha nthawi zonse amakhala ndi ma slippers kuti akapite nawo kukacheza, chifukwa "amakhala omasuka mwa iwo" (ndizopanda ulemu kunena izi, koma ichi ndi chitsanzo chowoneka bwino cha momwe munthu amasandulikira "miseche" kuchokera ku nthabwala). Mwamuna wina amafunikira zosokoneza pazinthu zowononga zonse zokongoletsa kapena kukonza maluwa. Kuti muchite izi, muyenera kumvetsetsa kuti chisangalalo chomwe chimalandiridwa kuchokera kuzokonda ngati izi ndi chisangalalo cha mwana, mnyamata wamakhalidwe abwino, kale, ngati kuti, theka la "msungwana". Mutha kuwona kuti zokhumba izi ndi gawo lazovuta zazimuna, komabe mumamva chisoni kuti muyenera kuzisiya. Koma yerekezerani izi ndi zomwe mnyamatayo azindikira kuti nthawi yakwana kuti agone ndi teddy wake wokondedwa. Sakani zochitika zina ndi zosangalatsa zomwe ndizofunika kugonana komanso zomwe zingakusangalatseni. Mwinamwake chitsanzo cha teddy bear chinakupangitsani inu kumwetulira; koma, komabe, ndichowona: ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amayamikira ubwana wawo ndipo mkati mwawo amakana kukula.

Tsopano lesibiyani watiuza chifukwa chomwe amakana "kutsatira mfundo" zachikhalidwe chachikazi, ayenera, mwachitsanzo, kuthana ndi kuphika, kusamalira alendo ake kapena kudzipereka kuzinthu zina "zosafunikira" zapakhomo, kuti akhale odekha komanso osamala poyerekeza ndi ana aang'ono makamaka makanda. (Mosiyana ndi zomwe makolo ambiri amakonda kunena za akazi okhaokha, nthawi zambiri malingaliro awo akuchikazi amaponderezedwa, ndipo amatenga ana ngati atsogoleri apainiya kuposa amayi.) Kuphatikizidwa mu "gawo" lachikazi ndiko kupambana kwa malingaliro achichepere, ndipo nthawi yomweyo kuvumbulutsidwa kwamalingaliro ndiko kuyamba kwachidziwitso chachikazi.

Amuna ambiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ayenera kusiya kukhala achangu ndi kugwira ntchito ndi manja awo: kuwaza nkhuni, kupaka nyumba, kugwira ntchito ndi fosholo, nyundo. Ndikofunikira kuthana ndi kukana kuyesetsa mwamphamvu. Ponena za masewera, ndikofunikira, pomwe mwayi umapezeka, kutenga nawo gawo pamasewera ampikisano (mpira wa mpira, volleyball, ...), ndikupereka zonse zomwe mungathe, ngakhale mutakhala "nyenyezi" pabwalo. Kupuma ndi kumenya nkhondo, osadziteteza! Ambiri ndiye amamva bwino; kulimbana kumatanthauza kupambana pa "munthu wosauka" wamkati ndipo kumathandiza kuti uzimva ngati munthu weniweni. “Mwana wamkati” wa ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amapewa, kukana, ndipo amapewa kuchita zinthu zachibadwa zogonana. Komabe, ndikufuna kunena motsimikiza kuti mfundo zotengera chikhalidwe chabwinobwino sizofanana ndi "chithandizo cha machitidwe". Ndikofunikira pano kugwiritsa ntchito chikumbumtima chathu kulimbana ndi maudindo amenewa, osati kungophunzitsa ngati nyani.

Nthawi yomweyo, m'mayendedwe ang'onoang'ono atsiku ndi tsiku ngati "chizindikiritso" cha umuna kapena ukazi, munthu safunikira kupitirira kupusa chabe. Kumbukirani kuti zoyesa zilizonse zomwe zingapangitse chiwonetsero cha amuna (tsitsi, ndevu, ndevu, kugogomezedwa kwa zovala za abambo, kulima minofu) zimayambitsidwa ndi egidencerism ndi ubwana, ndipo zimangodyetsa zovuta za amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Aliyense atha kulemba mndandanda wazikhalidwe ndi zomwe amakonda kuzisamalira.

Amuna ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha nthawi zambiri amakhala ndi malingaliro achichepere akumva zowawa, mwachitsanzo, "sangayime" ngakhale zovuta zazing'ono. Apa tikukamba za kulimba mtima, komwe kuli kofanana ndikudzidalira. "Mwana wamkati" amawopa kwambiri kulimbana kwakuthupi ndi mitundu ina ya mikangano, chifukwa chake kupsa mtima kwake nthawi zambiri kumakhala kosawonekera, kobisika, amatha kuchita zachiwerewere ndi mabodza. Kuti mudzizindikiritse bwino ndi umuna wanu, ndikofunikira kuthana ndi mantha a kukangana, mawu komanso, ngati kuli kotheka, thupi. Ndikofunikira kulankhula moona mtima komanso mosabisa, kuti mudziteteze ngati zinthu zikufunika, komanso kuti musawope kukwiya ndi kunyozedwa ndi anthu ena. Kuphatikiza apo, ndikofunikira kuteteza olamulira ngati olamulira akufanana ndi malowo, komanso osanyalanyaza "kuwukira" koopsa kwa omwe ali pansi pawo kapena anzawo. Pofuna kudzidalira, munthu amaponda "mwana wosauka" ndikupeza mwayi wambiri wowonjezera mantha ndikuwona ngati olephera. Kukhazikika kumakhala bwino munthawi zomwe malingaliro amatsimikizira kuti ndizoyenera, ngakhale zofunika. Komabe, kulimba kumatha kukhala kwachibwana ngati kugwiritsidwa ntchito kuwonetsa kulimba kapena kufunikira. Khalidwe labwinobwino la munthu wodalira nthawi zonse amakhala odekha, osachita ziwonetsero, ndipo zimabweretsa zotsatira.

M'malo mwake, ma lesibiyani ambiri adzapindula kwambiri ndikachita masewera olimbitsa thupi pang'ono, kapena ngakhale - lilime silingathe kuyankhula! - pogonjera - zoyipa kwambiri! - kugonjera ulamuliro wa amuna. Kuti timve kuti "kudzichepetsa" kwa mkazi ndi chiani, lesibiyani ayenera kukana udindo woti akhale munthu wodziyimira pawokha komanso wodziyimira pawokha chifukwa chodzipereka. Nthawi zambiri azimayi amafuna thandizo lamwamuna, amafuna kudzipereka kwa iye, kuti amusamalire; izi zikuwonetsedwa, makamaka, pakufuna kugonjera umuna wake. Ngakhale adadzinenera kuti "msungwana" wokhumudwitsidwayo, mwa akazi okhaokha mzimayi wabwinobwino amagona ngati kukongola kugona, wokonzeka kudzuka.

Kudziona kuti ndi wonyozeka nthawi zambiri kumapangitsa "mwana wamwamuna" komanso "mtsikana wosakhala wamkazi" kukwiya ndi matupi awo. Yesetsani kuvomereza kwathunthu ndikuyamikira umuna kapena ukazi "wofotokozedwa" mthupi lanu. Mwachitsanzo, vula maliseche, udziyese pagalasi, ndikuwona kuti ndiwe wokondwa ndi thupi lako komanso mawonekedwe ake ogonana. Palibe chifukwa chosinthira chilichonse ndi zodzoladzola kapena zovala; muyenera kusunga malamulo anu achilengedwe. Mzimayi akhoza kukhala ndi mabere ang'onoang'ono, thupi lolimba kapena lowonda, ndi zina zambiri. Muyenera kuchita izi mopepuka, kusintha mawonekedwe anu moyenera, ndikusiya kudandaula pazomwe simungathe kukonza (izi zitha kubwerezedwa kangapo) ... Mwamuna ayenera kukhutira ndimalamulo ake, mbolo, minofu, zomera m'thupi, ndi zina zambiri. Palibe chifukwa chodandaulira za izi ndikupangitsanso matupi ena "abwino". Ndizowonekeratu kuti kusakhutira kumeneku ndikungodandaula kwa akhanda "I".

10. Ubale ndi anthu ena

Kusintha kuwunika kwanu kwa anthu ena ndikupanga ubale ndi iwo.

Wokhudzidwa ndi amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amachitira anthu ena mbali ina ngati "mwana." Sizingatheke - m'malo mwake, zosatheka - kusintha kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha popanda kukhala ndi malingaliro okhwima a anthu ena komanso ubale wolimba nawo.

Anthu a jenda lawo

Anthu ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ayenera kuzindikira kudziona kuti ndi otsika poyerekeza ndi amuna kapena akazi anzawo, komanso manyazi polumikizana nawo, chifukwa chakumva kwawo "kuchepa", "kudzipatula". Limbani ndi malingaliro awa mwa kuwonjezera "mwana wosauka, wosasangalala." Komanso, khalani olimbikira pakuchita kwanu, m'malo mongokhala opanda chidwi. Chitani nawo zokambirana ndi zochitika zina, ndipo gwiritsani ntchito mphamvu kuti mupange maubale. Khama lanu liziwululira chizolowezi chobisika chokhala ngati mlendo, ndipo mwina kukayikira kusintha pakati pa amuna kapena akazi, malingaliro olakwika a anthu ena, kuwakana kapena kuwadzudzula. Zachidziwikire, sibwino kuyesetsa kuti mukhale amuna kapena akazi okhaokha chifukwa chofuna kuwasangalatsa. Choyamba, ndikofunikira kukhala bwenzi la ena wekha, osati kufunafuna anzanu. Izi zikutanthawuza kusunthira pakufunafuna chitetezo cha mwana ndikukhala ndi udindo kwa ena. Kuchokera pa mphwayi muyenera kukhala ndi chidwi, kuchokera ku nkhanza zazing'ono, mantha ndi kusakhulupirira - kumvera chisoni ndikudalira, kuchokera "kumamatira" ndi kudalira - kukhala wodziyimira pawokha pakudziyimira pawokha. Kwa amuna ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, izi nthawi zambiri zimatanthawuza kuthana ndi mantha a kukangana, kutsutsidwa ndi kukwiya, kwa azimayi ogonana amuna kapena akazi - kuvomereza gawo lachikazi kapena la amayi, komanso kuthana ndi kunyozedwa kwa zinthu zoterezi. Amuna nthawi zambiri amayenera kukana kutsatira kwawo ndikuwatumikira, ndipo azimayi amayenera kusiya mabwana, kuponderezana.

Ndikofunikira kusiyanitsa pakati pa kulumikizana kwa pagulu ndi gulu ndi oyimira amuna kapena akazi. Anthu omwe amakonda kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amakhala "omasuka", kukhala pakati pa anzawo omwe ndi amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, makamaka ngati ali ana zinali zovuta kuti azisinthana m'magulu a ana omwe ndi amuna kapena akazi anzawo. Zikatero, zimakumana ndi zovuta kwambiri. Pamafunika kulimba mtima kuti mupewe pagululi ndikuyamba kuchita zinthu mwachizolowezi, mwachilengedwe, popanda kuchita zinthu mokakamiza, popanda kupewa kunyozedwa kapena kukanidwa ndi gulu, ndikupitiliza kukhala ngati membala wa gululi.

Ubwenzi

Ubwenzi wabwinobwino ndi wosangalatsa. Muubwenzi wochezeka, munthu aliyense amakhala ndi moyo wakewake, wodziyimira pawokha, ndipo nthawi yomweyo palibe kudalira kokhazikika kwa "mwana wamkati" wosungulumwa, osafunikira zofuna zake. Kupanga zibwenzi zabwinobwino ndi munthu wina popanda chidwi chadyera komanso popanda kufuna "kubweza chilichonse" kumathandizira pakukhwima m'maganizo. Kuphatikiza apo, chisangalalo chokhala ndiubwenzi wabwinobwino ndi amuna kapena akazi okhaokha chimathandizira kukulitsa kudziwika kuti ndi amuna kapena akazi, zimathandiza kuthana ndi malingaliro osungulumwa omwe nthawi zambiri amatsogolera kuzolowera zongoyerekeza za amuna kapena akazi okhaokha.

Komabe, kucheza ndi anthu wamba omwe si amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kumatha kuyambitsa mikangano yamkati. Wogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha atha kubwereranso kumbali yachinyengo ya mnzake, ndipo zolakalaka zamphamvu zingaoneke. Ndichite chiyani tsopano? Pazonse, ndibwino kupewetsa bwenzi. Choyamba, pendani gawo lopanda tanthauzo la momwe mukumvera ndi zomwe mukuchita mogwirizana ndi izi ndikuyesera kuzisintha. Mwachitsanzo, mutha kuyimitsa kapena kusintha machitidwe ena, makamaka, chizolowezi chokopa chidwi chake, kufuna kumuteteza kapena kuwasamalira.

Musalole kuti mtima waubwana wanu ukhale wa inu nokha. Lekani kuganizira zinthu zolaula. (Mungathe, mwachitsanzo, kuwalimbikitsa.) Pangani chisankho cholimba kuti musapereke mnzanu, kumugwiritsa ntchito m'maganizo anu ngati chidole, ngakhale zitachitika "m'maganizo" anu. Ganizirani izi monga zovuta, ngati mwayi wokukula. Onani mozama maonekedwe a mnzake ndi mikhalidwe yake, momwe alili weniweni: "Iye siwabwino kuposa ine, aliyense wa ife ali ndi zomwe ali ndi zomwe amachita." Ndipo pokhapokha ngati mukuwona kuti kumverera kwanu kopanda malire mwa iye kukupambana, sinthani kuyankhula kwanu kwakanthawi. Yesetsani kupewa kuyandikira kwambiri pafupi ndi thupi (koma musakhale otengeka nthawi imodzi!): Mwachitsanzo, musagone m'chipinda chimodzi. Ndipo, pamapeto pake, chinthu chofunikira kwambiri: musayese kuti akumvetsetsereni, kumenya nkhondo iliyonse, chifukwa izi zitha kupangitsanso umunthu wopanda pake. Muyenera kuwunikira mwadongosolo kusintha kwa zinthu zina ndikuzindikira zoterezi pamaubwenzi apakati pomwe muyenera kuthana ndi zizolowezi zopanda pake ndikuziikanso zina, okhwima.

Anthu okalamba

Amuna ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amatha kuchitira amuna okulirapo kuposa zaka zawo ngati bambo: kuwopa mphamvu zawo, kukhala omvera kwambiri muubwenzi ndi iwo, kuyesa kuwakondweretsa, kapena kupanduka mkati. Zikatero, mwachizolowezi, zindikirani za machitidwe awa ndikuyesera kusintha zina ndi zina zatsopano. Khalani oseketsa (mwachitsanzo, mutha kuyeserera “mwana wanu wamkati” wamkati) ndikulimba mtima kuti musinthe. Momwemonso, amuna omwe amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amatha kutenga akazi okhwima ngati "amayi" kapena "azakhali". Mwana wake wamkati atha kuyamba kukhala ngati "mwana wamwamuna", mwana wodalira, mwana wamantha, kapena "woopsa" yemwe sangatsutse zofuna za amayi ake, koma mwa mwayi uliwonse amayesetsa kubwezera mwamphamvu momwe amamulamulirira kupangitsa kuti akwiye. "Mwana wokhathamira" wakhanda amasangalala ndi kukondweretsedwa ndi amayi ake, chitetezo chake ndi kukhudzidwa kwa ana ake onse. Makhalidwe omwewo amatha kuwonekeranso kwa akazi ena. Amuna amene amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha omwe angakwatire amatha kuyembekezera izi kuchokera kwa akazi awo, omwe amakhalabe "anyamata" omwe amafunikira kutulutsa, kuteteza, kulimbikitsa kapena kuthandizira kuchokera ku chiwopsezo cha amayi, kwinaku akupitiliza kudya naye kuti "akhale wolamulira" ", Zowona kapena zongoganiza.

Amayi omwe amakonda kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amatha kubereka amuna okhwima ngati abambo awo, ndipo zimapangitsa kuti akhale ndi ubwenzi wocheperako ndi abambo awo. Zikuwoneka kuti amuna sawakondera, kapena amawongolera kapena kutsekereza. Nthawi zina azimayi oterewa amakhala a abambo okhwima, ngati "abwenzi", "anyamata awo". Zochita za ana za kusamvera, kusalemekeza, kapena kudziwika zimasinthidwa kuchokera ku mawonekedwe a abambo kupita kwa amuna ena. Kwa azimayi ena, njira yodzilimbitsira imayenera chifukwa chofuna kukwaniritsa zomwe abambo awo amafuna. Mwinanso bambowo anakankhira mwana wawo wamkazi mdziko la ochita bwino ", osamulemekeza kwambiri chifukwa cha umunthu wake wamkazi monga momwe wakwanitsira; kapena, paunyamata wake, abambo ake adatsimikizira zomwe abale ake akuchita, ndipo mtsikanayo adayamba kutsanzira chikhalidwe cha abale.

Makolo

"Intra-mwana" amayima kukula kwake pamlingo wopanda tanthauzo, malingaliro ndi machitidwe, ngakhale makolo atafa kale. Mwamuna wogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha nthawi zambiri amawopabe bambo ake, amakhalabe wopanda chidwi mwa iye kapena kumukana, koma nthawi yomweyo amafunira kuvomerezedwa. Maganizo ake kwa abambo ake titha kuwonetsedwa ndi mawu oti: "Sindikufuna kufanana ndi iwe", kapena: "Sindidzatsatira malangizo ake, malangizo anu, ngati simundilemekeza. Mwamuna woteroyo amatha kukhalabe wokondedwa ndi amayi ake, kukana kukhala wamkulu pakugwirizana ndi iye komanso abambo ake. Pali njira ziwiri zothetsera vutoli. Choyamba, vomerezani abambo anu motero ndipo gonjetsani vuto lanu kwa iye ndi kumfuna kubwezera. M'malo mwake, sonyezani chidwi chilichonse kwa iye ndikuwonetsa chidwi pa moyo wake. Kachiwiri, kukana kulolera kwa amayi m'moyo wanu komanso kuyambira ukhanda wanu. Muyenera kuchita modekha, koma mosalekeza. Musalole kuti azikulamulirani chifukwa chokukondani kwambiri kapena kukuganizirani (ngati izi zili choncho). Osalumikizana naye nthawi zambiri kuti mumupatse upangiri ndipo musamulole kuti athetse mavuto omwe mungathetse nokha. Cholinga chanu ndi ziwiri: kuthana ndi mavuto abambo anu ndi abambo anu, komanso "zabwino" ndi amayi anu. Khalani mwana wodziimira payekha wa makolo anu amene mumawachita bwino. Pamapeto pake, izi zidzakupangitsani kukonda kwambiri abambo anu, ndipo mudzawona kuti ndinu anu, komanso, mwina, mtunda wawukulu kwambiri pamaubwenzi ndi amayi anu, zomwe zimawonjezera ubalewu, komabe, kunena zowona. Nthawi zina mayi amalepheretsa kumanga ubale watsopano ndikuyesanso kuyambiranso chibwenzi chake chakale. Komabe, pomaliza, nthawi zambiri zimakhala zotsika, ndipo maubale nthawi zambiri amakhala osaponderezana komanso achilengedwe. Osawopa kutaya amayi anu ndipo musawope kummvera chisoni (monga zimachitika nthawi zina). Muyenera “kutsogoza” mayi m'mayanjano amenewa (pomusiya mwana wake wachikondi), osangomudutsa.

Amayi okonda amuna kapena akazi okhaokha nthawi zambiri amayenera kuthana ndi chizolowezi chokana amayi awo ndikusintha zomwe sakonda kapena mtunda wamkati. Apanso njira yabwino ikhoza kukhala mawonetsero azizindikiro zomwe zimakonda mwana wamkazi yemwe amasangalatsidwa ndi amayi ake. Ndipo koposa zonse, yesetsani kuvomereza, ndi zovuta zake zonse kapena zosasangalatsa, osatengera iwo kwambiri. Kwa "mwana wamkati," m'malo mwake, ndizofala kukana chilichonse chomwe chimachokera kwa kholo lomwe limamukonda. Mutha kudzipatulira kuti makolo sangasinthe, pomwe izi sizilepheretsa munthu wokhwima kuti azikonda ndi kuvomereza kholo ili, kumadzindikira kuti ndi mwana wake. Kupatula apo, inu ndinu mnofu wa mnofu wake, mumayimira jenda la makolo anu. Kuzindikira kuti ndinu makolo onsewo ndi chizindikiro choti akukula. Amayi ambiri ochita zachiwerewere ayenera kusiya ubale wawo ndi bambo wawo. Amayi otere ayenera kuphunzira kuti asagonjere zofuna za abambo awo kuti azimutenga ngati mnzawo wamwamuna komanso asalimbane ndi zomwe akumuyembekezera. Amayenera kusiya chizindikiritso chomwe adamupangira iye ndi abambo ake, kutsatira mfundo "Ndikufuna ndikhale mkazi yemwe ine ndi mwana wako wamkazi, osati mwana wamwamuna woyikira." Njira yokhayo yolimbikitsira ubale wabwino ndi makolo ndiyo kukhululuka. Nthawi zambiri sitingathe kukhululuka nthawi yomweyo.

Komabe, pankhani inayake, titha kusankha kukhululuka nthawi yomweyo, mwachitsanzo, tikamakumbukira zina za machitidwe a makolo athu kapena malingaliro awo kwa ife. Nthawi zina kukhululukirana kumayendetsedwa ndi nkhondo yamkati, koma nthawi zambiri imapatsa mpumulo, kumadzaza ubale ndi chikondi, ndikuchotsa kulumikizana. Mwanjira ina, kukhululuka kumafanana ndi kuthetsa “kulira” kwamkati ndi zodandaula za kholo limodzi. Komabe, palinso mbali ya mayendedwe okhululuka, ndichifukwa chake imakhala yakuzama kwambiri. Zimaphatikizanso kusiyiratu kudzikonda. Kuphatikiza apo, kukhululuka sikutanthauza kungosintha malingaliro, koma kuti ndikhale wowona, ziyenera kuphatikizapo zochita ndi zochita zina.

Komabe sikuti ndimangokhululuka chabe. Ngati mupenda malingaliro anu operewera kwa makolo, mudzaona kuti inunso ndinu omwe mwachititsa kuti mulibe chiyembekezo, ndipo simumawakonda. Pakusintha maubale, mungafunike kumakambirana momasuka za mavuto anu kuti mumukhululukire ndikuwapempha kuti akukhululukireni.

Kukhazikitsa ubale ndi anthu omwe si amuna kapena akazi anzawo; ukwati

Ili ndiye gawo lomaliza pakusintha moyo wanu - kuchokera kumalingaliro ndi machitidwe a "mwana wamwamuna" kapena "mtsikana wopanda wamkazi" kupita kumalingaliro ndi machitidwe a bambo wabwinobwino kapena mkazi wabwinobwino. Mwamuna ayenera kusiya kuyembekezera kuti azimayi azaka zake azimuteteza, kumusilira, kapena kumamuchitira ngati mwana, ndikuchoka paudindo wa mchimwene wa alongo ake opanda nzeru, omwe safunikira kukhala amuna kapena amuna. Ayeneranso kuthana ndi mantha ake azimayi, mantha a "mwana wosauka" yemwe sangatenge gawo lamwamuna mwanjira iliyonse. Kukhala mwamuna kumatanthauza kutenga udindo ndi utsogoleri kwa mkazi. Izi zikutanthauza kuti asalole mayi-mayi kulamulira, koma, pakufunika, akhale mtsogoleri ndikupanga zisankho mogwirizana. Sizachilendo kuti kukwatiwa ndi amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kumachokera kwa mkazi wake, ngakhale zingakhale zachilendo kuti mwamuna agonjetse mkazi. Nthawi zambiri mkazi amafuna kukhumbidwa ndi kugonjetsedwa ndi wokondedwa wake.

Mzimayi yemwe ali ndi vuto logonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha akuyenera kuthana ndi kukana koyipa kwa gawo lachikazi mwa iye yekha ndikulandira ndi mtima wanga wonse kutsogolera kwa amuna. Ma feminists amawona kuti ndi lingaliro lochimwa, koma, lingaliro lomwe limafanana ndi jenda silachilendo kotero kuti mibadwo yamtsogolo ikhoza kuwona ngati kupotoza chikhalidwe chovunda. Kusiyana pakati pa maudindo achimuna ndi achikazi ndi owerengeka, ndipo anthu omwe akulimbana ndi malingaliro awo okonda kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha abwerere pamaudindo awa.

Kudzimva kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kumabwera pokhapokha kutengera chidwi cha amuna kapena akazi. Komabe, munthu sayenera "kuphunzitsa" kukakwatirana, chifukwa izi zitha kupititsa patsogolo kudzidalira: "Ndiyenera kutsimikizira umuna wanga (wamkazi)." Yesetsani kuti musalumikizane kwambiri ndi oyimirira amuna kapena akazi anzanu, ngati mulibe chikondi ndipo mulibe chidwi ndi munthuyu. Komabe, kwa munthu kuti athetse vuto logonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, nthawi zina (ngakhale sizikhala nthawi zonse) ndondomeko yeniyeni imatha kutenga zaka zingapo. Ponseponse, ndikofunikira kudikira kuposa kulowa muukwati musanalowe. Ukwati sikhala cholinga chachikulu pomenyera zogonana, ndipo zochitika siziyenera kuthamangitsidwa pano.

Kwa ochirikiza amuna ambiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, ukwati umayambitsa kusokonezeka kwa chidani ndi kaduka, ndipo anthu otere amakwiya atangomva kuti mnzawo yemwe ndi wokwatirana naye akukwatirana. Amadzimva ngati akunja omwe m'njira zambiri amakhala otsika kuposa anzawo. Ndipo ngakhale ali "ana" kapena "achinyamata," ndizovuta kwa iwo kuti amvetsetse zambiri mu ubale wa mamuna ndi mkazi. Komabe, pang'onopang'ono ndikuchotsa matenda awo amitsempha, anthu omwe ali ndi vuto logonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amayamba kuzindikira zoyeserera za ubale pakati pa mwamuna ndi mkazi ndikuvomereza kuti nawonso atha kukhala gawo la dziko lino la amuna ndi akazi.

Pomaliza, ndikufuna kunena kuti: musagwiritse ntchito ina kuti mudzilimbikitse poyambanso kugonana. Ngati mukufuna kupulumuka bukuli kuti muonetsetse kuti muli ndi vuto logona () Osalowe muubwenzi wapamtima mpaka mutsimikizire kuti ichi ndi chikondi, kuphatikizapo chikondi cholakwika, koma osangokhala nacho; ndi chikondi chotere chomwe nonse mumaganiza zokhulupirika kwa wina ndi mnzake. Ndipo izi zikutanthauza kuti mumasankha munthu wina osati inu, koma zofuna zake.

Kuchokera