Isahluko 9 kwincwadi kaJoseph noLinda NicholasUkuthintela amafanasini: Isikhokelo saBazaliMsgstr ". Ishicilelwe ngemvume yomshicileli.

Nina boyise, bafuneni oonyana benu; 
Ukuba awukwenzi,
ke ngenye imini enye indoda iya kuyenza.
UGqirha intaka, ugqirha wezengqondo

"Ukuba kukho into endiyifundileyo ndingutata," watsho umthengi, esiza kumthiya igama uGordon, "ukuze bonke abantwana bahluka." Wazijula ​​esitulweni e-ofisini yam, kwaye imbi kabuhlungu ifundwe ngamehlo akhe.

Umhlalutyi ophumeleleyo wezemali, uGordon wayengunyana wabantwana abane. “Xa mna noGloria sitshatileyo, asizange sikwazi ukulinda, xa siza kuba nosapho olukhulu,” utshilo, “Ndandinobudlelwane obubi notata, ngoko ke bendifuna ukuba nosapho olufudumeleyo.”

Isibini esinye samakhwenkwe amathathu sazalelwa esi sibini, ngamnye kubo wahlonela utata wakhe. Kwaye kwavela uJimmy.

UGloria, ehleli kwisitulo esijongene nomyeni wakhe, wandijonga ngosizi kunye nosizi. “Ngexesha lokukhulelwa kwam, uJimmy,” watsho ngokuzola, “bendifuna intombazana. U-Jimmy wayengumntwana wethu wokugqibela. Xa wazalwa, ndaphoxeka zinyembezi. "

Mhlawumbi uJimmy nonina benze yonke into bengazi nto ukujongana nokuphoxeka, kuba xa wayeneminyaka esibhozo uJimmy waba ngumhlobo wakhe osenyongweni. Umfana onenkathalo nothobekileyo, obonisa ukukwazi ukudlala ipiyano, uJimmy wayengomnye waba bantwana ojongwa lula komnye umntu aze aqonde iingcinga neemvakalelo zakhe ngelizwi. Ngalo minyaka yobudala, wayenokufunda iimvakalelo zonina njengoncwadi, kodwa ebengenamhlobo omnye kubudala bakhe. Sele ebonisile ezininzi iimpawu zokuziphatha kwangaphambili. Kutshanje, uGloria waqala ukuba nexhala malunga nokukhula kokuzibandakanya eluntwini kunye nokudakumba kwenkwenkwe. Amakhwenkwe amadala, kwelinye icala, ayonwabile ngayo yonke into kwaye elungelelaniswe kakuhle.

Iingxaki zesini uJimmy waqala ukubonwa kwiminyaka embalwa edlulileyo xa wayeqala ukuzama kumacici kagogo wakhe kwaye azame ukwakheka. Iiglasi zeenwele zikaGloria kunye nezesilivere zazinomdla okhethekileyo emehlweni enkwenkwe, waqala ke wazi kakuhle ezinxibeni zabafazi - konke oku kwangaphambi kokuba aye esikolweni. Okwangoku wayeneminyaka emine kuphela ubudala.

U-Gordon wathi: "Ndamphatha uJimmy ngendlela efanayo nabanye abantwana, kwaye ndiyaqonda ukuba oku khange kusebenze, kuba wayehlala ezithathela amagama am ngokuchanekileyo. Uphumile egumbini engazange athethe nam iintsuku ezimbalwa. ”

Ekukhuleni kwakhe, uJimmy waqala ukubonisa ezinye iimpawu eziphazamisayo: ukungazinzi, ukucinga ngokuzithemba, okwamthabathel 'indawo unxibelelwano lokwenyani, kunye nokukhukhumala okugculelayo kwabazukulwana abaziintsapho nabahlobo babo ababazisayo. UGordon ukhumbule ukuba bonke abanye oonyana bahlala bephuma bezokuhlangana naye xa efika evela emsebenzini, kodwa ingenguye uJimmy, owayesoloko esenza ngathi utata wakhe ayindawo.

Okwangoku, iingcinga zikaJimmy ezingalawulekiyo zazibangela inkxalabo enkulu. Wayehlala kwihlabathi elenzelwe, ehleli iiyure ezininzi kwigumbi lakhe kwaye epeyinta abalinganiswa bekhathuni. UGloria waphinda wabona enye into engeyongozi-xesha ngalinye, edanile, uJimmy waqalisa ukukopa amanqaku

isimilo sabasetyhini. Xa omnye wabahlobo bomntakwabo weza kubatyelela, bemgculela okanye bemgculela, waqala waziphatha njengowasetyhini.

Ekugqibeleni, uGloria noGordon bagqiba ekubeni benze okuthile ukunceda unyana wakhe. Kwaye basibonisa isigqibo sabo ngenkuthalo emva kwenyanga yokuqala yokungenelela kosapho, omnye wabafana abadala, uTony, waqalisa ukukhalaza ukuba balibale ngokupheleleyo ngaye. Kum, yayiluphawu lokuba abazali bam bazilandela ngenkuthalo iingcebiso zam. Okwangoku, ndiye ndacela uGloria noGordon ukuba bacacisele uTony ukuba lonke usapho maluhlangane lincedisane noJimmy, “olibalelayo ukuba yinkwenkwe.” Emva koko, ngaphandle kokuqalisa kabukhali, uTony waqala ngokunceda umntakwabo.

U-Gordon wayesazi ukuba unyana omncinci wayeqale ukushiya kuye. Ubuntwana bukaJimmy buhambelana nexesha elinzima ebomini bam. Umtshato wethu wawuphuphuma kwiimvuthu, emsebenzini - enkulu ingxaki. Kubonakala kum ukuba andifuni ukuzihlupha ngendlela yokufumana ulwimi oluqhelekileyo kunye nalo mntwana, kuba unomlinganiswa ontsonkothileyo: ukhuko kwaye wehla waya egumbini lakhe xa ndithetha into ayivileyo. njengokugxekwa. "

Abanye abafana, ngokuchasene noko, babehlala bezimisele ukudlala noyise kwaye bafuna ingqalelo yakhe. “Ndivumela uJimmy akhethe ukungabikho nam,” utshilo uGordon. "Ndimele ndivume, ndiqiqe ngolu hlobo: kulungile, kuba akafuni ukunxibelelana nam, ziingxaki zakhe."

Ndicacisa ukuba, "Kwimeko leyo, siya kwenza into eyahlukileyo kule besiyenza ngaphambili." Oku kuthetha ukuba, Gordon, kufuneka uzame ukutsala uJimmy. Kwaye wena, Gloria, kuya kufuneka ufunde "ukuhlahlela ecaleni." Intsapho yonke kufuneka isebenze kunye, ikhumbuza uJimmy ukuba inkwenkwe ilungile. ”

Isicwangciso sam sokunyanga, uJimmy, sicebise ukuba uGordon akhuthaze unyana wakhe, amnike ingqalelo ekhethekileyo, athathe inkwenkwe ahambe nayo kwishishini, ayibandakanye nemidlalo yokunxibelelana. Ndizama ukuxelela ootata amathuba amaninzi oku - umzekelo, ngelixa ndandisa imoto, ndivumela unyana wam ukuba abambe impompo. La manyathelo mancinci abalulekile ekwakheni unxibelelwano lwenkwenkwe kunye nelizwe lamadoda, esisiseko solwalamano olomeleleyo phakathi kukatata nonyana.

Ngamanye amaxesha uGordon wabiza uJimmy ukuba ancedise ngokulima igadi okanye enze ikarati. UGordon wakwenza umthetho ukuba abe sekhaya ngexesha lezifundo zepiyano zikaJimmy zeveki kunye nokuya kuyo yonke imisebenzi yakhe. Wayemthatha lo mfana ukuya kwimidlalo kunye nabantakwabo abadala, ngethemba lokuwoyisa umkhwa kaJimmy wokuba yedwa kunye nokungabathandi kwakhe abantakwabo.

Ekuqaleni, uJimmy wachasa ngokucacileyo amanyathelo katata wakhe. Umzekelo, wasikhaba isimemo sokuya eofisini yakhe noyise. Kodwa, njengoko ubudlelwane bakhe noyise babusiya bukhula, uJimmy waqala ngokuziphatha ngakumbi inkwenkwana kwaye waphathwa kancinci esikolweni. Ndavuma isigqibo sabazali bakaJimmy sokumbhalisa kwicandelo apho iqela lalifanele ukuthabatha inxaxheba, kodwa kwakungekho khuphiswano kwaye amakhwenkwe aphumelela. Unina kaJimmy, uGloria, ucele ngokukodwa ukuba umcebisi, ulutsha olufundayo, anike uJimmy ingqalelo yamadoda ayifunayo.

Amakhwenkwe anjengoJimmy kufuneka aqonde ukuba abazali bayabaxhasa kwaye abakhuthaze, bangabaniki nje okanye babagxeke. Umzekelo, ngesinye isihlandlo, xa uJimmy wayeneminyaka esibhozo, wathatha into yokudlala ethambileyo, ipara, waya nayo esikolweni. UGloria wajonga indawo yokudlala ngexesha lesidlo sasemini kwaye wabona ukuba unyana wakhe wayedlala yedwa eyedwa kunye nepara kwaye bathetha naye. Ngosuku olulandelayo, ecetyiswa nguGloria, uGordon wathetha nonyana wakhe wathi: “UJimmy, abafana abakwiminyaka yakho abayi kuthana nezinto zokudlala ezithoba esikolweni. Kodwa ndikubuyisele into. ” Wanika uJimmy “Umdlalo weNkwenkwe,” umdlalo wekhompyuter ophethwe ngumfana ngosuku olulandelayo. Okothusayo kukuba, abafundi afunda nabo bamngqonga becela ukuba mabadlale, kwaye ke, uJimmy wamkelwa kwinkampani, kuba into yokudlala yayiyiyo.

Ngenxa yezenzo ezilandelelanayo ezenziwa ngabazali bakhe, isimilo sikaJimmy esingalunganga ubulili bakhe sehlile ngokuthe ngcembe. Oku akuchaphazeli kuphela ubufazi, kodwa nokuzahlula koontanga, ukungakhuli ngokupheleleyo, uloyiko kunye nentiyo kumakhwenkwe. UGordon uthe kum: “Xa uJimmy engandihoyi kwaye eziphatha ngokungathi azindifuni, kufuneka ndivume: oku kuyimpazamo enkulu kum kwaye ndiziva ngathi ujike uhambe. Kulula kakhulu ukuhamba nokuhamba nokuvuma imeko. Kodwa ke ndiyakhumbula ukuba isimo sengqondo sikaJimmy kum kukuzikhusela. Ngapha koko, ngasemva kwemaski yokungakhathali kunye nokudelela kulele umnqweno wokunxibelelana nam. Ndiye ndaphosa iimvakalelo zam kwaye ndiqhubeke nokwenza indlela eya kuye. Ndilahlekile xa uJimmy esemncinci, kodwa ngoku andizukuvumela unyana wam ukuba andisuse ngokulula. ”

Umsebenzi onzima wokubhengeza ubudoda

Njengoko sele sibonile, i-dysphoria yesini yabantwana eneneni iyindlela yokuphepha umngeni wokukhula. Ngokwezifundo ezininzi, ukuphazamiseka kwesini kukwayanyaniswa neminye imiba (efana nekaJimmy) equka ukwala inkwenkwana kuyise, ukheswa entlalweni, kunye nembuyekezo ngokuqamba. Unyango oluyimpumelelo lunceda inkwenkwe ukuba ifumane indlela kwihlabathi elihlulwe ngokwemvelo ngamadoda nabafazi. Ngoncedo lwabantu ababini ababalulekileyo ebomini bakhe, umama notata, inkwenkwe enesifo sokuchazeka ngokwesini inokuthi ishiye izimvo ezifihlakeleyo kunye nokufumanisa ukuba kungcono ukuhlala kwihlabathi elinemida yesini ecacileyo.

Njengomzali, kufuneka uqiniseke ukuba ungenelelo lwakho - ngoncedo okanye ngaphandle koncedo lwengcali yezonyango - ayibonakali kwaye ixhasa ngokwenene, kwaye icacile. Ngokudambisa isenzo esingafunekiyo sokuziphatha ngokwesini, abazali kufuneka baqiniseke ukuba umntwana uziva evunywa njengomntu owahlukileyo. Akufanele ulindele ukuba umntwana wakho abe yinkwenkwe okanye intombazana eqhelekileyo enomdla kwisini sakhe. Ezinye izinto ezinokubakho, kwaye ziqhelekile. Kodwa kwangaxeshanye, "uphilile u-androgyny" unokusekelwa kuphela kwisiseko esomeleleyo sokuzithemba kwintsimi yakhe.

Kubalulekile ukuba usoloko umamela umntwana ngentlonelo efanayo. Musa ukumnyanzela ukuba athathe inxaxheba kwinto ayithiyileyo. Musa ukumenza afane nendima emoyikayo. Sukuba neentloni ngobufazi. Inkqubo yenguqu yenzeka kancinci, ngothotho lwamanyathelo ahamba nenkxaso yothando. Ukuzama ukuhlazisa kunokuba nemiphumo emibi.

UAlex, umntu athandana nomntu ongatshatanga naye uphantsi kwam, uthi:

Ngesinye isihlandlo, xa ndandineminyaka emihlanu ubudala, ndafumana isethi yeziqholo njengesipho, iibhotile ezincinci ezinamakha awahlukeneyo kwibhokisi enezisele. Babonakala bemangalisa kum, kwaye ndandihamba nabo naphi na. Khange ndilibale ukubabamba, kwaye xa utata notata siye kutyelela izalamane. Ndicinga ukuba bendonwabile kunye nabo, kuba ndigqibe kwelokuba ndibonise umakazi uMargarita. Uye wandijonga waphinda wathi: "Kutheni ufuna ivumba? Ngaba uyintombazana? ”Nditsho ndilila. Umele ukuba waziva enetyala kuba wayekhawulezile ezondiqinisekisa.

Andazi ukuba kutheni, kodwa ndisakhumbula esi sehlo. Olu thando kunye nemimoya lwadlula ngokukhawuleza, kodwa ngenxa yoku ndinamava axubeneyo.

Ukuba unyana wakho usemncinci kakhulu, kuluncedo ukuphinda umxelele iinyani zebhayoloji yakhe, ngakumbi ukuba unelungu, kwaye le yinto esempilweni neqhelekileyo, eyinxalenye yaso. Utata kufuneka abandakanyeke kulenkqubo yemfundo. Ootata abaninzi bafumanisa ukuba ukuhlanjwa ngokudibeneyo noonyana babo kubangela ithuba elihle lokuncokola. Ootata kufuneka bagxininise ukuba i-anatomy yenza inkwenkwe "njengawo onke amakhwenkwe." Umqondiso wokuba unawo ngamadoda izitho zangasese (ezithi inkwenkwana engaphambi kobufanasini ifune ukwala) ziya kuphumelela ukususa nayiphi na into yobukhomokazi okanye iminqweno engathandekiyo. Umzimba oyindoda yinyani, inxenye engenakuchazeka, ububungqina bendoda kunye nokuyihlukanisa ngokucacileyo kumama. Olu luphawu lokufana kwakhe notata.

Shower notata

Ukuhlamba ngokudibeneyo notata yindlela elungileyo yokuphucula ukubonwa kwenkwenkwe notata kunye nobudoda bukatata, kunye nokwakheka kwendoda.

Ugqirha George Rekers, ingcali ebalaseleyo kwi-RG yabantwana, unika iingcebiso ezineenkcukacha malunga nendlela yokwenza amava afanelekileyo: “Ootata akufuneki basabele kabukhali okanye kubi xa unyana, ngelixa entliziyweni yakhe notata, ebuza imibuzo malunga nesini okanye isini. Yonke imibuzo enjalo kufuneka iphendulwe ngokuqinisekileyo, ngenzala yendalo, ukungenisa ulwazi ngokwenqanaba lokukhula konyana, bekhuthaze kwaye kude kube ngoku bayiphendule imibuzo ebalulekileyo nangaliphi na ixesha. "¹.

Ootata kufuneka bafundile: kuyinto eqhelekileyo ukuba unyana ubahlola ubuni bukayise okanye ubachukumise nje. Kwiimeko ezinjalo, ubawo ufanele akuphephe ukuphoxeka okanye ukothuka, angaphenduli ngokungafanelekanga, kabukhali okanye ngandlela ithile ukohlwaya unyana wakhe. Endaweni yokuba, utata kufuneka axelele inkwenkwe ukuba iya kujongeka xa sele ikhulile.

Ukuba unyana uchukumisa ubuni bukayise, amaxesha amaninzi kunokuba kunjalo, umnqweno wakhe uya kwaneliswa, kwaye uya kuyeka oku kuchukumisa. Unyana akathandeki ukuba amchukumise rhoqo, ukuba kunjalo. Kodwa nokuba unyana unyanzelisa ukuchukumisa ubudoda bukayise (oku kungenakwenzeka), uGqr Rekers ucebisa utata ukuba atshintshe ingqalelo yonyana wakhe, esithi, umzekelo: "Thatha impahla yokuhlamba kwaye uhlambe iindlebe zakho, uqiniseke ukuba zicocekile," ngaphandle kokuchaza ukuthintela ngokuthe ngqo .

Ukuba unyana uphinda abambe iintlobo zesini sikatata ngalo lonke ixesha bequbha kunye, uGqirha Rekers ucebisa lo tata esithi: “Andikhathali ukuba ujonge kwilungu lobudoda lam, ndingutata wakho. Ukwazi ukuba ibukeka njani i-penis yabantu abadala, unokucinga ukuba umzimba wakho uya kujonga njani kwikamva. Kodwa ngoku njengokuba sele umchukumisile, kufuneka ndikulumkise. Thina bantu musa ukuphatha i-penis yomnye nomnye, ngaphandle kwamatyala ambalwa. Umzekelo, xa ugqirha ehlola isiguli; okanye abazali bahlamba umntwana; xa kufanelekile ukujonga ukuba inkwenkwe ifuna ukunyangwa na ukuba ikhala yintlungu okanye iluma esibelekweni. ” Ukongeza, utata kufuneka achaze ukuba unokuchukumisa ipenisi yakho kuphela ukuba abanye abayiboni.

Ugqirha Rekers uchaza isigameko esibuhlungu esathi samkhathaza inkwenkwana kwaye saxhokonxa indlela yokuziphatha ngokwesini. Utata uphume egeza, kwaye unyana omncinci, eqhutywa kukufuna ukwazi kwaye ebenomdla kwimbonakalo yakhe, wachukumisa ubudoda bukayise. Utata wamkwaza kwangoko le nkwenkwana, yamkhwaza kabukhali yaza yambiza ngokuba "uyagqwetha." Ukususela ngoko, inkwenkwe yaqala ukubonisa indlela yokuziphatha ngokwesini. Ukuthatha uhlambe, watyhila ubudoda phakathi kwemilenze yakhe ukuze ubonakale njengentombazana, uxelele umama wakhe ukuba uxolile kukuba enelungu.

Nangona kunjalo, ukuba amava omphefumlo odibeneyo katata kunye nonyana wenziwa ngobuchule, utsho uRekers, "inkwenkwe iya kulungela ngakumbi ishawa yokudibana namanye amadoda kwigumbi eliyi-Locker esikolweni, emva koko kwigumbi labafundi."

Ukongeza ekwenziweni ngeeshawa kunye noonyana bam abancinci, ndicebisa ootata ukuba babandakanyeke rhoqo ekunxibelelaneni ngokwasemzimbeni namakhwenkwe. Ootata banako ukuncedisa ngokukhuthaza uburharha kunye nokubonakalisa ubundilele ngokwasemzimbeni. Oku kunceda ukumelana nendima yoyikiso yokuba "yinkwenkwe-yenkwenkwe" edlalwa rhoqo yinkwenkwe yesini

iingxaki. Ukulwa, ukuphikisana, "ukubetha upopu"-kuyo yonke le nto, inkwenkwe ifumana amandla ayo omzimba kwaye idibana nale ndoda yoyikekayo kunye engaqondakaliyo.

Ukubaluleka kokuchukumisa

Abathengi bam abathandanayo abathandanayo, ngaphandle kokukhetha, bachaza ukungabikho kabuhlungu - phantse intlungu - ukusuka ekunxibelelaneni notata emzimbeni. URichard Wyler uchaza indlela le kuncitshiswa kokuchukumisa kukhokelela kwimo yokuziva ungaphumi:

Kumntu wenkcubeko yaseNtshona icacile gca: amadoda okwenene awachukumisi. Ngelishwa, le taboo ihlala idluliselwa kootata kunye noonyana, kunye nabancinci kakhulu, kubantakwabo kunye nabahlobo abasondeleyo. Amadoda kwinkcubeko yethu ayoyika ukubonakala njengongqingili okanye “ajike” abe ngamafanasini, atsala enye indoda okanye amchukumise.

Kodwa oku kukhokelela kwinto yokoyika wonke umntu: amakhwenkwe amaninzi, xa ethoba unxibelelwano lomzimba, akhule, aphuphe ngee-hugs. Ukuba isidingo se-hugs kunye nokuchukumisa azalisekiswa ebuntwaneni, akayeki ngenxa yokuba inkwenkwe iguquka ibe yindoda. Wayebaluleke kakhulu kwaye enqatshelwa ixesha elide kangangokuba abanye bethu babefuna ukuba neentlobano zesini nendoda, nangona enyanisweni, sasifuna ukwangiwa kuphela. Asinakuyicingela enye indlela yokufumana unxibelelwano olungabelani ngesondo, olwalunqweneleka kakhulu.

Ngaphandle kolu nxibelelwano luqhelekileyo, umntu oselula usengozini yokungabinakho ukwamkela okanye ukuba nobundlobongela.

UWyler uyaqhubeka:

Ayothusi into yokuba uninzi lwethu beluzibandakanyeka kubudlelwane bokungasebenzi okanye ubudlelwane obunempilo ukususela ebusaneni. Ngokukhawuleza emva kokuba sifumene into ebonakala ngathi luthando kunye nokwamkelwa, sanamathela kuyo ngaphandle kokucinga ngemiphumo.

Ngamanye amaxesha amanye amadoda ayesisebenzisela ukonwaba ngesondo okanye sasisebenzisa siziva sithandwa kwaye sithandwa.

Khumbula ibali lomlobi weOlimpiki uGreg Luganis, uxelelwe kwisahluko sesithathu? Wayengumfana onesithukuthezi engaqondakaliyo kwaye egculelwa ngabantwana afunda nabo kwaye egxothiwe kuyise. Akumangalisi ukuba uLuganis wayenobungozi ngokweemvakalelo kwindoda endala awadibana nayo elunxwemeni. "Wayesondele ekusondeleleni kwaye emanga ngakumbi kunokwabelana ngesondo." Wayelambile luthando.

Omnye wemisebenzi ebalulekileyo abajongileyo abazali kukukhuthaza umntwana ukuba abonakalise ngokwemvelo iingcinga zabo neemvakalelo zabo. Kuba, njengoko besibonile, umfana onengxaki uhlala enoloyiko lokukhula kunye noxanduva olunxulumene nendima yendoda, mkhuthaze ukuba athethe malunga nexhala lakhe kwaye abelane ngezimvo zakhe ngendima yesondo.

Sinika umzekelo. “USean” wayeyinkwenkwana eneminyaka esixhenxe ubudala, kwaye utata wakhe wagqiba kwelokuba: “Asizukuthetha ngengxaki kaSean; siya kumthanda nje kwaye samkele. " Le ndlela kulungile ukuqala ngayo, kodwa ayonelanga. Abazali kufuneka bafumane iindlela zokumcacisela umahluko phakathi kobudoda kunye nobufazi. Imibuzo efana nale: "Ufuna ukuba yintoni xa ukhula?", "Ungathanda ukuba ngubani xa sele ukhulile?" Sisizathu esihle sokulungisa iimbono ezigqwethekileyo, ukunika inkxaso.

Nina bazali, kufuneka nitshintshe iithoyi, imidlalo kunye nempahla enika umdla kwiminqweno yoonyana bakho. Abanye oomama bandixelela ukuba bazilahla ngasese izinto ezithile. Ukuqonda usizi lwabo kunye nemfuno yokwenza ngokukhawuleza, ndicebisa indlela evulekile ngakumbi. Ungamcenga umfana ukuba athathe inxaxheba ekudluliseleni ezi zinto ngemvume yakhe kumantombazana amancinci aqhelekileyo. Abanye abazali bade benze isiko lokususa iithoyi zamabhinqa, bezipakisha ukuze banike intombazana kufutshane okanye umzala. Umsitho wokugoduka unokuba luncedo ukuba umntwana usesemncinci kakhulu. Thatha ibhokisi, ubeke oonodoli apho, uyitywine kwaye uthi "Kulungile!" Ngelixa evuma ukuba kunzima kangakanani kumfana ukubuyisela ezi zinto zokudlala. Chaza kuye: "Ngoku utata uzobathatha aye kumdlezana omncinci ongenalo unodoli omnye uBarbie."

Kubalulekile ukuba umntwana wakho azive kwaye abonakalise usizi kunye nokulahleka. Mhlawumbi eyona nto inzima kuya kuba kukuphulaphula ngovelwano ngokubandezeleka kwakhe kunye nokuphelisa ezi zinto kude kube sekupheleni.

“Umsitho wokugoduka” kunokuba nzima, kodwa akufuneki kube buhlungu. Kwaye isigqibo sakho sokuyiqhuba akufanelekanga ukuba siphenjelelwe, kodwa cinga kakuhle. Ngaba inkwenkwe ilungele ukuzinika ezi zinto? Mhlawumbi oku ufuna nje ukutyhala okuncinci? Okanye ngaba umsitho uza kumenza azive engcatshiwe kwaye enomsindo? Ukuba kunjalo, alikafiki ixesha lamanyathelo achukumisayo.

Ukuba ungenelelo lusebenza kangakanani na kuya kuxhomekeka kwisimo somntwana wakho. Ukuba uyarhoxa, ecinezelwe, enomsindo, ecaphuka okanye esoyika, olu luphawu lokuba unamandla kakhulu kwimicimbi. Isibini esinye seqela elinomdla sasinethemba loku "kulungisa" inkwenkwe ngeveki enye. Ngenxa yoko, umntwana waphumla kwaye unexhala. Ukutshintsha, iinguqu ezingalunganga kwimeko yemfana zibonise ukuba khange anikwe ixesha lokuziqhelanisa nolindelo olutsha lwabazali bakhe.

Abanye abazali bawela kwicala eliphikisayo: bacotha nkqu notshintsho olucacileyo nolubonakalayo. Kwinxalenye enkulu, ukuguquguquka okunjalo kubangelwa kukudideka kwesimo sanamhlanje senkcubeko, kwaye, njengoko sele kukhankanyiwe, neengcebiso ezingqubanayo zabantwana. Aba bazali balinde imvume yeengcali ngaphambi kokuba baxelele inkwenkwe ngokuthambileyo kodwa ngokucacileyo: “Bobby, akusekho izinto zamantombazana. Umdala kakhulu ukuba ungaziphatha njengentombazana. Batsho ukuba bayoyika ukuxoxa nonyana wabo ngeengxaki ukuze bangamonzakalisi.

Nangona kunjalo, olona longenelelo lusebenzayo kuxa abazali besebenza kunye, bezise umntwana ukuba azolile, kodwa edibeneyo kwaye engaguqukiyo umyalezo: "Awunjalo, uyinkwenkwe." Olu hlobo lonyango lubandakanya isisa, ukhathalelo, uthando kwaye alubandakanyi ngokukhawuleza; nangona kunjalo, yonke into icacile kwaye ayinakuphikiswa. Kubaluleke kakhulu ukuba abazali bamanyane kwaye bangaguquguquki, kuba kuphela le ndlela izisa iziphumo ezizizo nezizinzileyo.

Omnye umama uyibeka kakuhle le nto: “Ukoyisa indlela yokuziphatha kwabantu basetyhini kufana nokukhula kweerosa. Akudingi nzame zingako njengokujonga rhoqo. ” Inyathelo lokuqala lokubuyisela kwimeko yesiqhelo kukuvuma iingxaki zomntwana kwaye uthathe isigqibo sokuzicwangcisa kunye. Inyathelo lesibini lihambelana nomntwana kunye nenyaniso yokuba abazali bazimisele ukumnceda kwaye kufuneka utshintsho. Nje ukuba umntwana aqonde ukuba bobabini abazali bamanyene kwaye akasazimiselanga ukuvumela indlela yokuziphatha kwesini, uyakuqala ukuziqhelanisa. Olunye ulwazelelelo kwizibango ezinjalo, zihlala zingalindelekanga, kuqikelelwa.

Amanqanaba enkqubo

Ukusuka kumava am okusebenza kwamakhwenkwe anokuphazamiseka kwesini kunye nabazali babo, ndingatsho ukuba kukho amanqanaba amane okuphuhliswa kotshintsho: (1) ukumelana, (2) ukuthobela kwangaphandle, (3) ukuxhathisa okufihliweyo, kunye (4) yomanyano lwabazali nomntwana.

Ukuba unyana wakho ubonakalisa indlela yokuziphatha yesini esibonakalayo, la manyathelo aya kusebenza njengesikhokelo esikukunceda ufumane indlela yokufumana ngcono. Ewe kunjalo, njengazo zonke izikimu ezichaza imeko entsokothileyo, la maqondo ngamanye amaxesha ayagoba; umntwana unokubuyela kwinqanaba elidlulileyo ngaphambi kokuba aqhubekele elilandelayo. Nangona kunjalo, la manyathelo anokusebenza njengesikhokelo ngokubanzi.

Inqanaba le1: Ukumelana kwakhona. Ukujongana nemida emitsha, umntwana unokubonisa ingqumbo, ingqumbo kunye nemvukelo. Uyabona ukuba umama notata abasayi kumvumela ukuba aziphathe njengabasetyhini kunye neminqweno yakhe yangaphambili eyonwabileyo noxolo. Kamsinya nje akuqonda ukuba akasayi kuba nakho ukonwabela umfanekiso wentsomi ngokwakhe, unokujikela kuwe ngokweemvakalelo. Amakhwenkwe angalunganga ngokwesini anomdla wokugxekwa kunye neemfuno. Zama ukungagxeki kakhulu kwaye unyanzelise.

Unokuxelela unyana wakho into enje: “Uyazi, unethamsanqa lokuba yinkwenkwe.” Gxininisa-ude ugqithise - umahluko phakathi kwamantombazana namakhwenkwe. Mqinise isimilo sakhe sobudoda esivusayo ngokubuza imibuzo enje: "Uza kutshata yiphi intombi xa sele umdala?", "Uyakuba ngumntu onjani utata xa sele ukhulile?" Yiba nobuchule bokufumana amathuba okugxininisa ukungafani kobuni.

Inqanaba 2: Ukuthobela kwangaphandle. Kwiimeko ezininzi, abazali bakhawuleza babone ukuba unyana wabo uye kubo - ubuncinci, ke ngoko kubonakala ngathi kunjalo nje ekuqaleni. Amaxesha amaninzi iinguqu zinkulu kangangokuba bazibuze oku: “Ngaba ngokwenene utshintshile, okanye uzama ukudunyiswa?” Ukuze akukholise, umntwana unokuluxelisa olu tshintsho ngokweminqweno yakho. Ngapha koko, iinguqu zokuqala zihlala ziqhelekile kukuziqhelanisa nokuziphatha ngaphandle kotshintsho lwangaphakathi. Kodwa, emva kwexesha elide, ukuba unemvakalelo ngokusondeleyo kunye naye, le ndlela yokuziphatha iya kuba yinxalenye yokuzibona kwakhe. Kuba wena, bazali, ungoyena mntu ubalulekileyo kwihlabathi lakhe, kuya kufuneka ngokungathandabuzi, kodwa alunxibelelane nenxalenye yakhe neminqweno yakhe yesini esahlukileyo.

Inqanaba le-3: Indawo yokuHlala efihlakeleyo. Unokuvuya yindlela unyana wakho asabela ngayo ngokukhawuleza ungenelelo lwakho. Nangona kunjalo, kukho ithuba lokubuya kokuziphatha ngokufihlakeleyo kwabasetyhini okuya kukudumaza ngokukhawuleza kwaye kukwenze ucinge ukuba yonke imizamo ilize. Ukusindisa abazali ekukhathazekeni kunye nokudakumba, ndibacebisa ukuba balindele amaxesha anjalo kwangaphambili kwaye bangamangaliswa koku.

Nanku umzekelo wobuhlobo obunjalo nobubini. Kubonakala ngathi unyana wakho oneminyaka emihlanu uyatshintsha, kodwa waphinda wambamba unodoli okanye uqalisa ukumunca isithupha sakhe. Uthi: “Sithandwa, khange sithethe ngale nto?” “Ah?” Utshilo. “Nyana,” uphendula ngokuthoba, kodwa ngokuzinikela, “sele sithetha malunga nokuba kuthetha ntoni na ukuba yinkwenkwe, nokuba amakhwenkwe amadala awadlali ngoonodoli. Ke hamba, ususe idoli, sikufumanele enye into yokudlala. " Kuya kuba ulungele ukuba umfana athathe amanyathelo amabini ukuya phambili kunye nenqanaba elinye lokubuyela umva. Bazali kufuneka bakhumbule ukuba akukho nto kwindalo yonke ehamba ecaleni komgca omfutshane othe ngqo, kubandakanya nokuphindiswa konyana wabo.

Uya kuqaphela ukuba rhoqo kunoko, unyana wakho ubuyela ekuziphatheni kwabasetyhini emva kokubetha ukuzithemba. Omnye utata uphawula oku: "Xa unyana wam eziva kakubi, uziphatha njengowasetyhini." Xa umntwana eziva onwabile kwaye onwabile, ehlangabezana nokwamkelwa kwabanye abantu, uyakuphepha ukubuyela. Kufuneka sikulungele nokuziphatha kwakhona xa inkwenkwe idiniwe, igula, iphantsi koxinzelelo, uhlobo lokuphoxeka okanye lokwaliwa. Ubumfazi yindlela ephendula ngayo yoxinzelelo.

Emva koqwalaselo olunje, abazali baxela inkxalabo yabo yokuba unyana "usithanda nje" okanye "uzama ukusikholisa, kuba uyazi ukuba kubalulekile kuthi." Bafuna ukwazi ukuba unyana wabo uyatshintsha ngaphakathi. Ukucwangcisa imbumbulu endle kungaphezulu kokutshintsha ukuziphathaIfuna utshintsho kumbono.

Usapho lufanele luphonononge imizekelo yenkwenkwe. Ukuba utata uhlala eyimodeli engalunganga, ngakumbi xa ephatha ngononophelo inkwenkwe yenkwenkwe okanye iyithuka, umntwana unokwenza engazi ukuba ukwazana nomntu oyindoda kuya kuba yingozi. Kule meko, inkwenkwe ifuna izixhobo zokuziphatha zesetyhini ukuba ikhuselwe kwaye akukho lutshintsho lwendlela yokuziphatha lunokuthatyathwa. Kuya kufuneka siqonde ukuba le mpi inzima kangakanani kulomfana. Kukho ungquzulwano lwangaphakathi kuyo. Njengoko enye inkwenkwe itshilo, "ngaphakathi kum kukho ii-halves ezimbini ezilwayo."

Inqanaba le4: Umanyano lwabasebenzi. Akukho nto imnandi kubazali kunokuba ubone ukuba unyana usondela kuye. Xa unyana wayebukele ikhathuni enabalinganiswa ababhinqileyo kwiTV, umama ka-Aron, inkwenkwana enesiphene sesini, wafumana ithuba elingaqhelekanga lokubukela ukungqubana kwakhe ngaphakathi:

Ndabona ukuba u-Aron ufuna ukudibanisa nale heroine. Ngaphambi koko, wayedansa ejikeleza igumbi njengebhayidina.

Amanani asondele kwinto yokudlala kunye neemoto ezininzi. Ndabona ukuba uzama ukukhupha amehlo akhe kude neTV kwaye ahlanganise elinye lamanani. Wazama ukuxhathisa isilingo sokuzicinga ukuba unegorha eli. Intliziyo yam yayopha kuba ndaziqonda kakuhle iimvakalelo zakhe.

Kwisigaba sokusebenzisana, akasayi kuhlangana nawe kuphela, kodwa uya kuthetha ngomlo wakhe wangaphakathi. Esinye isibini saxela ukuba inkwenkwana yabo ibakholelwa: “Kunzima kakhulu ukukhula.” Khumbula ukuba ebantwaneni, ukukhula kukhulisa imbambano kuba kuthetha ukuhlangabezana nomngeni wokuba yinkwenkwe. Kwaye ukuyeka kuphuhliso kuhlala kunomdla, kuba kunika induduzo yendima yowasetyhini kunye nendoda kunye nolwalamano olusondeleyo kunye nonina, kunceda ukufihla amabango elizwe lobudoda. Enye inkwenkwe ikhathazekile: “Ndizama ukulibala ngabo,” ebhekisa kuqokelelo lweonodoli zikaBarbie awayinikayo. Unina wandixelela: "Ngoku ufuna ukutshintsha, nangona ndibona ukuba kumthatha amandla amaninzi."

Indima yonyango

Kuba abazali banemfesane kakhulu emntwaneni, kudla ngokuba nzima kubo ukuba balungiselele ngokwabo utshintsho olufanelekileyo bebodwa. Nanini na apho kunokwenzeka, ndincoma kakhulu ukufumana ugqirha wengqondo oncedo.

Ingcali yengqondo ekwabelana ngeenqobo zakho kunye neenjongo zakho, okokuqala, ikuxelela amanyathelo alandelayo, kwaye okwesibini, ichaze izithuba onokuthi uzivumele njengabantu kunye nabazali. Ke, ugqirha wezonyango unokuqaphela ukuba unxibelelwano lwakho nomntwana aluyi kuba nesiphumo esifunekayo. Uyabona ukuba unyana wakho akaze athethe malunga neenzame zakhe kunye neengxabano, kodwa kuphela azalisekisa izicelo zakho. Unokubonisa ukuba umama notata bazidlulisela njani ezohlukeneyo, kwaye nangokuchaseneyo kwaye bayayiphikisa imiyalezo ngesondo.

Ukulungiswa kokuphazamiseka kwesini ebuntwaneni, umanyano lwabazali lubaluleke kakhulu. Olona tshintsho luzinzileyo lunokwenzeka ngomdla oqhubekayo wabazali bobabini. Ukuba ngumzali omnye kuphela okwenze oku, amathuba esiphumo esihle asezantsi kakhulu. Khumbula, ayikho into efana nelungu "lokungathathi cala" kwiqela labazali. Umzali ongenamdla ubonwa ngumntwana njengemvume engaphendulwanga yokuhlala ungowasetyhini kunye nokukhanyela isikhundla somnye umzali. Unyango lwengqondo lwe-psychoanalytic yonyango lwe-prehomosexual state egxile ekusebenzeni nomntwana ojongwa yi-psychotherapist eyodwa. Abazali bebengayi kwiiseshoni ebeziqhutywa kunye nomntwana izihlandlo ezibini okanye ezintlanu ngeveki iminyaka emininzi. Indlela yonyango enjalo ibiza kakhulu, kwaye nenqanaba lempumelelo lishiya kunqweneleka kakhulu. Kuyinto esebenzayo ngakumbi ukuba ugqirha usebenza rhoqo nabazali, kwaye hayi nomntwana. Emva kweeseshoni ezininzi zeveki, ugqirha kufuneka ahlangane nabazali kuphela malunga nokubonisana okuyimfuneko kunye nokubeka iliso kwinkqubela phambili yenkwenkwe (malunga kanye ngenyanga). Ngokwesiqhelo, intlanganiso kunye nomntwana iyafuneka kwi-psychotherapist kuphela kwisifo ekuxilongwa kuso kwaye ke ngamanye amaxesha ngexesha lonyango. Ndisoloko ndifumanisa ukuba inkxaso kunye neengcebiso zam ziqinisa kuphela ulwazi olunqabileyo lwabazali bam. Intliziyo ibaxelela ukuba umntwana akaphilanga, kodwa bafuna imvume yokungenelela. Uninzi loomama bayazi kakuhle ukuba utata wenkwenkwe ebefanele ukuba ubandakanyeke kakhulu kwinkqubo kwaye ukuqaqamba kwakhe kunyusa ubunzima bonyana wabo.

Kodwa, njengoko besitshilo kwisahluko esandulelayo, abazali bahlala belahlekile phambi kwengxelo zosasazo ezichaseneyo neengcali zophuhliso lwabantwana. Aba bazali badinga ugqirha onolwazi oza kumxhasa zabo iinjongo, hayi umbono wokuba isini aluchanekanga. Ugqirha kufuneka alungiselele umntwana ubomi ngobomi besini, enceda ekunciphiseni ukubakho kokukhula kwabantu besini esinye.

Uthando olungenamiqathango

Olunye uxanduva lubaluleke kakhulu kukunceda abazali bavakalise ukungamkeleki kwabo kumfazi isimilo ayithuki umntwana. Ugqirha unceda abazali ukuba bafundise ukwazisa inkwenkwe ukuba indlela yokuziphatha kwabantu ababhinqileyo ayamkelekanga, kwaye ithambile, kodwa ngokuchasene nokuziphatha. Kodwa kwangaxeshanye, inkwenkwe ayifanele ibone imfuno yabazali njengokugxeka okanye ukwala.

Xa usebenza neengxaki zonyana wakho (okanye intombi yakho), unokuva ukuba umntu osempilweni akapheleli kunguhlobo oluthile lwesini. Uyakuxelelwa ukuba ubuntu kufuneka buzibandakanya zombini iimpawu zobudoda kunye neziyindoda. Le ntsebenzo idumileyo iza, ngakumbi, kumsebenzi womhlalutyi uKarl Gustav Jung, owayephila ngexesha likaFreud. UJung wayekholelwa ukuba ukukhula kufuna ukudityaniswa kweempawu zesini esahlukileyo. Ewe, kwingxelo yokuba kwinkqubo yokukhula sidibanisa iimpawu ezichaseneyo zesini, kukho inyaniso. Kodwa oku kunokufezekiswa kuphela emva kokuchongwa okuqinileyo ngesondo lebhayoloji. Olu manyano alunakuze lubeke emngciphekweni ukufezekiswa kwesazisi esifanelekileyo.

Ukuchazwa gwenxa kwalo mthetho-siseko kubonwa kuthando lwabazali kukuphambuka kwesini kwabantwana babo. Abanye oomama "abahamba phambili" bathi bayakuvuyela ukubona ukuvela konyana wabo enxibeni okanye ngonodoli ezingalweni zakhe, kwaye abayiboni ngxaki xa intombi yakhe iyala ukunxiba. Kodwa yimpazamo enkulu le. Bubudenge ukukhuthaza unyana ukuba abonakalise iimpawu zobufazi ngaphambi kokuba akhululeke kwisazisi okanye kuxhase ukwaliwa kwentombi yakhe kwizinto zesetyhini.

Umgangatho wokuphumelela

Unyango oluyimpumelelo lokuphazamiseka kwesini kufuneka linciphise indlela yokuziphatha ngokwesini kwaye lomeleze isazisi esisempilweni, ukuphucula ubudlelwane kunye noontanga, kwaye ekugqibeleni ukunciphisa uxinzelelo kubomi bomntwana. Injongo yonyango kukunciphisa imvakalelo yenkwenkwe yokuba yahlukile kwamanye amakhwenkwe kwaye imbi kakhulu kubo. Oku kwonyusa amathuba okuphuhliswa kwesiqhelo sobufanasini. Ukujonga impumelelo yakho, jonga ezi mpawu zilandelayo zempumelelo:

1. Ukuhla ngobunikazi. Bazali baqwalasele ukusuka kwendlela yokuziphatha ebangele inkxalabo. Sifanele sikubone ukuzonwabisa okuncinci kwimikhwa ye-girlish kunye nemikhwa.

2. Ukukhula kokuzithemba. Abazali bayabona ukuba unyana wabo uziva enentembelo ngakumbi kwaye bayazingca ngokuba ebenze umsebenzi onzima. Abazali baqaphela ukuba umntwana wabo uzithemba ngakumbi.

3. Ukuvuthwa okuhle. Abazali bachaza umntwana njengokonwaba, ukuzithemba ngakumbi kunye nendalo. Omnye umama, ekhetha amagama akhe, wawuchaza ngale ndlela: "Ubonakala engaphezulu ... eyinyani." Inkwenkwe iya isiba neentloni, ibe neentloni kwaye icinge ngesiqu sayo. Uyakubonisa ukubanakho kokunxibelelana ngokweemvakalelo kunye nokuphendula okwaneleyo kwabanye abantu.

4. Unciphise ixhala okanye uxinzelelo. Abaphandi bafumene ikhonkco phakathi kobumfazi kunye nokunyusa uxinzelelo okanye uxinzelelo.². Njengoko ungquzulwano lwesazisi ngokwesini lusonjululwe, abazali baqaphela ukuba unyana akanakukhathazeka kwaye akhuselekile, akabi naxhala. Imvo ekhulayo yokufana namanye amakhwenkwe inciphisa iimpawu zoxinzelelo kunye nokudakumba.

5. Ukukhula ukuthandwa phakathi kwamakhwenkwe. Ngokokuqapheleyo, amakhwenkwe abonakalisa iimpawu “zenkwenkwe yokwenene” kwindlela abaziphatha ngayo ithandwa kakhulu, kwaye abo banesibindi abanqabile. (Kumantombazana, ubudlelwane phakathi kokuziphatha kunye nokuthandwa abubhengezwa kangako). Abafana abanesibindi rhoqo ngakumbi kunababhinqileyo banobuhlobo obulungileyo kunye nabafana. Abafana abaneengxaki zokuzazi zesini bahlala bengamaxhoba obundlobongela obugqithisileyo ngoontanga babo. Amakhwenkwe angabafazi, ngokokude amava am ezonyango andivumele ukuba ndigwebe, ahlala amaxhoba okuxhatshazwa ngokwesondo ngama-pedophiles ayaziyo ukuba inkwenkwe eyaliwa ngoontanga ihluthwa ingqalelo kwaye ke imele ixhoba elilula.

6. Ukuhla kweengxaki zokuziphatha. Uninzi lwamakhwenkwe angaphambi kobungqingili athobela "amakhwenkwe alungileyo", ligcuntswana nje labantwana eliziphatha ngokungathobeli. Ngayiphi na imeko, xa umntwana eba nomlinganiso ofanelekileyo wesini, abazali bomntwana, ootitshala kunye nabanye abantu abadala baqaphela ukuba uye waba noluntu ekuhlaleni. Baphawula ukwehla kweengxwabangxwaba, ukukhutshwa ngokweemvakalelo, nokuba yedwa.

7. Ukuphucula ubudlelwane notata. Abazali baxela ukuba unyana ufikelela kuyise, ufuna ukuba naye kwaye uyakonwabela ukuba kunye naye.

8. Unoyolo ukuba inkwenkwe. " Abazali baziva ukuba unyana wabo uyaziqhenya ngokuba uyinkwenkwe - ukwenza njengawo onke amakhwenkwe, kwaye wenze kakuhle. Oku kumzisela imvakalelo yolwaneliseko kuba ungomnye wabafana. Ugqirha George Rekers uchaza iziphumo zonyango ezingaphezulu kwamashumi amahlanu abantwana abane-RHI abaye baqhubeka notshintsho kulwaziso lwesini. I-Rekers iyakholelwa ukuba unyango oluthintelayo lunceda ukuthintela ukwakheka kwe-transvestism, transsexourse, kunye nezinye iintlobo zobungqingili.³.

Oogqirha uZucker kunye noBradley bacebisa ukuba unyango lwe-RGI lube yimpumelelo:

Kumava ethu, inani elibonakalayo labantwana kunye neentsapho zabo benza utshintsho olukhulu. Sithetha ngala matyala apho iingxaki ze-RGI zisonjululwe ngokupheleleyo, kwaye akukho nto kwindlela abantwana abaziphethe ngayo okanye imibono yabo enika uluvo lokuba imiba yesazisi iseyingxaki ...

Ngokunikwa kwazo zonke izinto, sinamathela kwisikhundla sokuba ugqirha kufanelekile ukuba abe nethemba, kwaye angaliyeki ithuba lokunceda abantwana bafezekise ukuzazi kwabo ukuba basetyhini.

Abanye abaphandi abaxela ukuphumelela kubafazi ababhinqileyo bathi unyango olusebenzayo lunceda abantwana baqonde izizathu zokuziphatha kwabo ngokwesini kunye nokuqinisa iimpawu zobudoda. Indlela yabo, efana neyethu, ibandakanya ubukho bezonyango, umntu onomntwana wesini, oya kufuna uncedo lukatata womntwana. Babandakanya usapho lomntwana kunye neqela labalingane kunyango.

Ukuhamba kwinkqubo yotshintsho

Sifuna ukwaba iziphumo zonyango lwabantwana abaneengxaki zesini, ngokubonelela ngokukhutshelwa kwamatyala okwenyani aliqela. La matyala awakhethwanga kwisiseko sempumelelo; amele imizekelo efanelekileyo kwiintsapho eziye zaphumelela zombini kunye nokuphoxeka. Yonke le mizekelo ikhankanyiweyo ilungiselelwe amakhwenkwe apho ukuphathwa gadalala ngokwesini kucace gca kangangokuba bakhathazeka abazali babo.

Sinethemba lokuba njengoko ufunda, unokuthelekisa imeko yonyana wakho kunye nempumelelo yakhe. Onke la makhwenkwe aziswa eofisini yam ngenxa yokuphazamiseka ngokwesini. Abazali babo babuyela kunyango emva kokuba belugqibile unyango.

Khumbula ukuba injongo yonyango kukunciphisa iimvakalelo zenkwenkwe ukuba zahlukile okanye zimbi kunamanye amakhwenkwe. Oku kukhulisa ukubakho kokuphuhliswa kwesiqhelo sokuthandana kwabantu besini esahlukileyo, nangona sinokugwetywa emva kweminyaka engamashumi amabini.

Tommy: imfuno eqhubekayo yokwanda kokuzithemba kwakho

Oku kulandelayo kukubhalwa kwencoko kunye nonina wonyana onengxaki zesini, eqhutywa iminyaka eliqela emva kokugqitywa konyango. Le nkwenkwe yakwazi ukwahlukana nobuntu besimilo kwaye ivakalelwa ngcono. Ubunzima ekunxibelelaneni nokuzithemba kusamthintela, kuba uTommy usazivumela ukuba adlale indima yokudlala kulwalamano namakhwenkwe kunye namantombazana.

Gqirha N: Ixesha lokugqibela ubukweli ofisi kwiminyaka emine edluleyo. Uqhuba njani unyana wakho ngoku?

Mama: Zonke kuzo zonke, zibhetele. UTommy akaphazanyiswa kukutshintsha kwemozulu, kwaye akasenakubizwa ngokuba ngowasetyhini.

Gqirha N: Kuthekani ngokuthandwa konyana wakho phakathi kwamanye amakhwenkwe?

Mama: Ngelishwa, kuncinci okutshintshileyo apha.

Gqirha N: Akandanga?

Mama: Hayi. Ingxaki kukuba wayephoxekile kwabanye babantwana ayezama ukubenza abahlobo xa bengamphendulanga. Wayeka nje ukubabiza kwaye athethe nabo esikolweni. Unomkhwa onjalo wokubuyela umva xa ujongene nokudana, umqobo.

Gqirha N: Ngaba unabahlobo abasondeleyo?

Mama: UMarianne, intombazana esitalatweni sethu. Basengabahlobo abalungileyo. Ndiyabulela kuThixo, ayifani njengangaphambili, xa kwakufuneka bonane rhoqo.

Gqirha N: Kulungile. Ndikhumbula ukuba xa wayeziphatha kakubi kakhulu, uTommy wayehlala ixesha elininzi naye.

Mama: Ewe ulungile Wamvumela uMarianne ukuba amphathe ngokwasemzimbeni kwaye ayale. Uvame ukuvumelana neli lungiselelo, ngaphandle kwento yokuba wayemphatha, ekhokela apho aya khona kwaye enze ntoni. Emva koko andizange ndiqonde ukuba ubudlelwane obunjalo abumzuzisanga yena.

Gqirha N: Bunjani ubudlelwane bakhe nabafo?

Mama: Unomhlobo osenyongweni, kodwa andiboni ukusondela ndingathanda ukubona, nangona le nkwenkwe ithatha unyana wam njengoyena mhlobo wakhe. Xa bebodwa, uTommy uthi kancinci. Uthule kakhulu. Enye inkwenkwe ihlala ibaleka kwaye ithi: "Ndingcono."

Ngokucacileyo, nangona ubufazi buhambile, uTommy usafuna uncedo ngenxa penchant yakhe kulwalamano azivumelayo ukuba ayalele. Ndicebise ukuba umama amnike iklabhu okanye enze umsebenzi apho anokuba khona

khokela kwaye uncede abantwana abancinci, ukwandisa ukuzithemba kwakhe kunye nokunyusa ukuzithemba. Unyango kunyango lwengqondo lwesilisa lunokuba luncedo.

"Tim": utata uye waba ngumntu othandekayo onokuthetha naye

Ukusukela ukuba utata kaTim waqonda ukuba unyana wakhe onengxaki yesini kufuneka anikwe ingqalelo kwaye waqala ukunikela ixesha elininzi kuye, inkwenkwe yenze inkqubela phambili enkulu.

Utata: Kunyaka ophelileyo, ndiye ndaba ngumbono: Ndizama ukuqaphela ukuba uTim unxibelelana njani noontanga, amakhwenkwe kunye namantombazana, indlela aziphatha ngayo kwiimeko ezahlukeneyo. Isikolo sabo sasinendawo yezemidlalo engabalulekanga, kwaye ndancedisa ekwakheni iziseko. Nditsalele uTim, abanye abafana, oonyana babo kwimisebenzi emininzi yokwakha, ndakwazi ukusondela kunyana wam. Sonwabile sobabini. Ndizamile ukwenza oku ngaphambili, kodwa uTim akazange abonise mdla; Ndicinga ukuba wayengenakukwazi ukuyisusa imvakalelo yokuba wayengayi kuvuka kwi-par.

Mama: Ndingongeza into, Jack. Ndicinga ukuba enye into ibisemva konyana wam. Ndicinga ukuba uTim ukwala ngokukuko kunye nayo yonke into enxulumene nawe.

Gqirha N: Oku kukhuselo nje kukuziva ungaphantsi. Isikhundla sokuphakama yayiyimaski ngasemva efihla imvakalelo yokuba phantsi.

Utata: Ngokuqinisekileyo ulungile. Wacinga: "Ukuba ndiyamamkela ubawo njengoko enjalo, kuya kufuneka ndiyamkele into yokuba andinakukwazi ukwenza lo mfanekiso. Kodwa ngoku ndinokuzabalazela ukufana naye; kuba ndiyakwazi ukuyenza le nto. Ngoku kunxibelelwano nonyana wam, ndiyayiqonda le nto ngakumbi. Ukuba bendizama ukuthetha naye ngezinto esincokola ngazo ngoku, kunyaka ophelileyo, ebezakuqhawuka avale.

UGqr N.: Esi simo sengqondo siqhubeka nokuba mdala. Izitabane ezininzi, njengoko zinokubonwa kuncwadi lwe-gay, zithi ubufanasini buziphakamisa ngaphezu kwabafana abaqhelekileyo. Bangabantu bokuyila, banokwenzakala okwandayo; kwaye umndilili ophakathi ungumntu okhutheleyo oqhelekileyo. Kodwa, ngelishwa, kwangaxeshanye, banomdla ngokwesini kuhlobo lwabafana abaye babajongela phantsi. Esi sisikhundla sokuzikhusela esibuyela kula mava abuhlungu obuntwaneni awathi unyana wakho walwa nawo phakathi koontanga bakhe. Uzamile ukubonisa oko uyaphumelela, ungomnye waba bantu.

Utata: Ewe, ivela kolu luvo lokungathobeki nokungakwazi ukulingana kwihlabathi lamadoda esifuna ukukhusela. Kodwa ngaphambili, uTim wayengafuni ukuzityhila kum. Ngokucacileyo, kuye kwakubonakala ngathi ukuba uyavula aze abonise okusentliziyweni yakhe, uya kuphinda azive eludongeni: apha kwakhona! Ngapha koko, abakhathali ", okanye "Abayiqondi into endizama ukubaxelela yona. "

Icacile kum: xa uTim evula kwaye efuna ukuthetha, kufuneka ndimmamele ngononophelo. Eli asiloxesha lokufunda iphephancwadi okanye ukubukela umabonwakude, nokuba kukho inkqubo endifuna ukuyibukela. Kungcono ukulahla yonke into kwaye umamele, yile nto ndiqondayo. Ukuba awuzenzi kwangoko, uyavala.

Ngoku uza kum aze kundibuza: “Ngaba kuyinto eqhelekileyo ukuba ndikwenza oku?” Ngamanye amagama, undibuza ukuba ndiziphathe njani njengendoda. Kwaye ndithatha ixesha lam ndicacisa ukuba kutheni kungafanelekanga ukuba aziphathe kwisangqa sabahlobo ukuba ufuna abaphathi esikolweni bamphathe kakuhle. Ndiyakucebisa ukuba uhlale kude kuzo zonke iintlobo zezinto ezi-girlish. Kwaye xa ndithetha naye kanjalo, ndiziva ndinxibelelana, ndafunda emehlweni akhe: "Kulungile, tata, ndiza kuzama."

Ndandingazange ndimxelele ngokunyaniseka ukuba kutheni enengxaki ezinje ngabafana esikolweni. Ngoku ndiguqukela kuye ndinothando, njengomcebisi njengotata, kwaye ndisithi: "Ukuba ufuna ukuhlala ngaphandle kwemivumbo kunye nentlungu, kufuneka ufunde: kukho izinto ezivumayo, kodwa azamkeleki. Kukho indlela yokuziphatha eza kukuzisela ububi kuphela.

Andisayiboni into ebambekayo okanye ukungakhululeki. Phambi kwam kukho indoda endala kakhulu kunokuba umntu wayelindele ngexesha elinje. Kufana nokuthatha incwadi, ukujika amaphepha kwaye unokuthi: "Kulungile, kulungile!".

Ewe kunjalo, ukwahlukana nemikhwa yobukhomokazi ayisiyiyo eyona nto iphambili, kodwa xa ebambelele ngokwahlukileyo, abo bafana bamjikelezileyo baziphatha ngendlela eyahlukileyo kuye kwaye ngokuthe ngcembe uTim ngokwakhe uqalisa ukuzibona ngokwahlukileyo.

U-Evan: Iinzame zikatata zokuphilisa ubudlelwane

Unyana kayise, owayeza kuthetha nam, uEvan, kwiminyaka emithathu eyadlulayo, eneminyaka elishumi elinesithathu, wangena kwezokwabelana ngesondo nomcebisi kwinkampu yasehlotyeni.

Gqirha N: Xa uEvan wayesengumntwana, ngaba yena wahlukile kwabanye oonyana bakho?

Utata: Akukho mathandabuzo ngayo. Ndiqaphele kwangoko ukuba ukhetha amathoyizi uEvan. Kwaye wayengumntwana ocacileyo, enobuntu kwaye enovelwano. Simthathe njengoyilayo kwaye enovelwano. Akuba mdala, saqala ukuqaphela umtsalane kwizinto ezenkcubeko yethu ezingathathelwa ingqalelo njengeziyindoda.

Gqirha N: Ngaba kwakukhathaza?

Utata: Ayisiyiyo loo nto kungenxa yokuba sinabantu abaninzi bokudala kusapho lwethu, kwaye sizamile ukuqonda ukuba uza kukhula nabani. Andizange ndiyikholelwe into yokuba unyana wam kufuneka abe nesibindi okanye ngakumbi iimbaleki. Kuphela kusemva kwexesha, xa sabona umdla kwizinto zesini, awakhula ngazo xa wayesondela ekufikiseni, ndiye ndabona ukuba kunyanzelekile ukuba aziphathe ngunyana onjalo.

Gqirha N: Unokwenza ntoni ngokwahlukileyo?

Utata: Ngendingafanelekanga ukuba ndingqongqo kwaye ndikhethe kwiinkcukacha. Wayenganyanzelwa ukuba enze into enje, kwaye kungenjalo, kwanaxa wayengumntu ohamba isikolo. UEvan wacaphuka ngokwenene xa wayegxekwa. Oku akubenzakalanga abanye oonyana bam, kodwa wayekhathazekile. Kwaye kwavela umsantsa phakathi kwethu, othe kangangeminyaka emininzi waphazamisa ubudlelwane bethu.

Zintloni ukuba kuthathe iminyaka emininzi ukuba ndiqonde: unyana wam akasiphathi isibongozo "paka, musa ukumanzi". Ngakumbi kunabanye, u-Evan wayefuna ukubona ukuba utata wakhe uphendula, uyakwazi ukulila, unokumamela athi: “Masithethe, uziva njani” endaweni yokuba “Ke, masithethe! Ndiyaphila! ”

Gqirha N: Ufuna ntoni kunyana wakho?

Utata: Ngaphezu kwako konke, ndiyathemba ukuba uya kuba noxolo emphefumlweni wakhe, ukuba uya kufunda ukonwabela ukuba ungubani. Nokuba yeyiphi na indidano kunye nokungakhululeki anokuziva ngoku, ndiyathemba ukuba uya kuba sempilweni. Kwaye ekubeni usapho lwethu lungamaKristu, ndiyathemba ukuba uyakuyiqonda intando kaThixo ngokunxulumene nobomi bakhe.

Gqirha N: Kodwa uza kuthini ukuba ngenye imini uza kuwe aze athi: “Mama, Tata. Ndizamile ukutshintsha. Andikwazi, kwaye ndiyisitabane. " Uza kwenza ntoni emva koko?

Utata: Kuya kuba buhlungu kakhulu kum ukuva le nto, kodwa ndiza kumthanda, into ethethayo.

Gqirha N: Ngaba uyaqhubeka nokugcina ubudlelwane?

Utata: Ngokwemvelo. Ndingabaphazamisa njani? Lo ngunyana wethu.

Gqirha N: Kulungile Oonyana bethu bahlala besiba ngabantwana bethu.

Utata: Kutshanje, siye sakhala ngakumbi kunenye, kwaye uEvan wathulula umphefumlo wam. Undixelele ukuba kuqhubeka ntoni ngaye. Ukumamela kuye, ndafumanisa ukuba izinto ezininzi endizenzileyo ngenxa yothando, waziqonda ngokwahlukileyo. U-Evan wabatolika njengogxeka.

Gqirha N: Ngaba yintoni uphawu lwengxaki kuwe?

Utata: Xa uEvan wayesekwishumi elivisayo, ndabona ukuba wayebandezeleka. Wazibona njengongakhathaliyo kwaye wazibona eneempazamo. Andimthandi. Ke kwabakho eso siganeko ngokwesondo kunye nomcebisi ovela enkampini, owaba ngumceli mngeni othusayo. Njengoko bendisondela kunyana wam, ndayibona indlela ekunzima ngayo ukumenza aqiniseke ukuba ndiyamthanda kwaye unomdla ebomini bakhe. Wayebonakala kunzima ukukholelwa.

Gqirha N: Ayikwazanga kuyamkela le uyithethayo?

Utata: Ewe, kwaye sakhala kunye amaxesha amaninzi.

Gqirha N: Khawufane ucinge ukuba kunzima kangakanani.

Utata: Kubuhlungu ukuva ukuba unyana wakho ulwa nantoni. Ngelishwa ngelishwa awukwazi ukususa zonke iintlungu, iinkumbulo ezimbi, iimpazamo esele zichaziwe ngoku, kodwa unokuzicima kwimemori yakho.

Gqirha N: Ininzi into esingathetha ngayo. ngamnye wethu njengomzali ungathanda ukulibala, akunjalo?

Utata: Ngoku, mna no-Evan singathetha ngale nto, ngakumbi xa edimazekile kwaye eziva kakubi. Ngoku, kwiimeko ezininzi, andinikeli ngcebiso kwaye andizami ukusombulula ingxaki. Ndimamele nje kwaye ndimyeke aphose iimvakalelo zam okanye umsindo kum, kwaye ukuba unomsindo kum, andizukuzikhusela.

Gqirha N: Ungabacebisa uthini ootata abakwishumi elivisayo?

Utata: Sinethamsanqa lokuba unyana wethu angafuni ukuba yitabane. Itshintsha kakhulu. Kodwa ngoku ngoku, iminyaka embalwa emva kwesehlo sesondo, kwaye siyaqonda ukuba oku akunakulungiswa ngokukhawuleza.

Gqirha N: Akukho nto iguqukayo ngoko nangoko.

Utata: Kuyakubakho amaxesha apho uthi: “Akukho nto iyanceda; ayitshintshi ”, kunye namaxesha aqinisekile ukuba ingxaki isonjululwe ngokupheleleyo. Ngezo ntsuku, uthi ngokwakho: "Iyasebenza, enkosi Thixo! Umntwana wam uya kuba ngumntu wesini esinye! ” Ke, bendiya kubaxelela abazali bam: "Yazi, le izakuba yinto ende, kwaye imeko iba krakra ngaphambi kokuba ihambe kakuhle."

Ukujonga emva, ndiyabona ukuba ayisiyonto yokulungisa imbeko. Ayibhubhisi into yokuba “andifuni ukuba uEvan ahambe ngoluhlobo” okanye “Andifuni ukuba atshaye isandla sakhe kanjalo.”

Gqirha N: Ewe kunjalo. Umbuzo ubunzulu kakhulu kune-demeanor.

Utata: Ngapha koko, umbuzo ngowokuba uEvan angonwaba, ekugqibeleni azive ekhululekile, enoxolo naye. Uyazazi izinto azikhethileyo ajongene nazo kwaye akafuni ukuba sisitabane. Ulwalamano lwethu kunye naye luphuculwe kakhulu. Ndiyakholelwa ukuba ngoku sinokuqiniseka ukuba senze konke okusemandleni ukubeka isiseko esifanelekileyo.

USimon: NguBawo ongenamdla

USimon, kwiminyaka emihlanu emva kokuba abazali bakhe baqale ukwenza into, nabo bayilahla imbeko yobufazi. Umama wakhe uthi ungumfundi olungileyo, ukhulile. Akaphazanyiswa kukutshintsha kwemeko, kwaye iingxaki zakhe zesini zisele zashiywa. Nangona kunjalo, utata kaSimon uyayeka, kwaye, njengakwimeko kaTommy, inkwenkwe isenobunzima bokuzithemba.

Gqirha N: Nksk Martin, uneminyaka emingaphi ngoku unyana wakho?

Mama: Ishumi elinambini.

Gqirha N: Ngaba ucinga ukuba uye waba ngumfazi omncinci?

Mama: Ngokuqinisekileyo kunjalo. Andiboni ubufazi kuye. Xa wayesemncinci, wayenotyekelo olunjalo kwisinxibo, indlela yokuziphatha, kunye nothando lokudanisa. Ukuzama ukukhumbula, kwakudala.

Gqirha N: Kulungile. Kuthekani ngokuzithemba?

Mama: Akathembi kakhulu, akukho mlinganiso wakhe, kodwa unabaqeqeshi abanomdla abamkhuthazayo, unokuphefumlela kuye, amncede azimisele. Ndizamile ukumkhethela abaqeqeshi, nditsho neqela leeklasi.

Gqirha N: Ngaba ucinga ukuba ixhala likaSimon kunye nokudakumba kunciphile?

Mama: Akukho mathandabuzo ngayo. Khange ndibaphawule.

Gqirha N: Kwaye kwenzeka ntoni ngaphambili?

Mama: Ndikhumbula iminyaka embalwa eyadlulayo, ixhala lalibonakala. Yabonakala ikakhulu xa esiya eziklasini, apho amakhwenkwe namantombazana babekhona. Kulapho ndaqala khona ukubona ukuba wayenobunzima ekunxibelelaneni nabanye abantwana. Wayekhala, ethandabuza. Wayefuna ukuhlala ekhaya nam.

Gqirha N: Ngaba uqinisekile ngakumbi kunokuba kunjalo?

Mama: Ndiyazi ngokuqinisekileyo ukuba unyana wam uyazithemba kwiinkalo ezithile. Umzekelo, kwizifundo, uphambi kwabanye abantwana. Usandula ukunikwa ikhadi lengxelo, kwaye uninzi lwezifundo zinamanqaku aphezulu. Ukufundisisa kulula kuye. Andisaboni ukuba ngumntwana kwakhona, nangona amaxesha ngamaxesha izothunywa zakhe zidlula kuye kwaye kuye kufuneke ndimkhumbuze ngale nto. Kwinqanaba lakhe lokukhula, unoxanduva kakhulu kwaye unononophelo, akanakuze afike xa siye kwenye indawo.

Gqirha N: Andikhumbuli ukuba uSimon uneengxaki zokuziphatha. Ngaba ikhona into etshintshileyo ukusukela ngoko?

Mama: Wayesoloko eziphethe kakuhle. Ulumkile kakhulu kwaye uzolile. Apho abanye beya kuba ngabaxhaphazi, uSimon uya kugxila kwaye aluse ulwazi.

UGqr N. Izinto zihamba njani nabahlobo?

Mama: Abafana abaninzi bambiza kwaye bambuza ukuba basombulula njani umsebenzi wabo wasekhaya, ndiyazi ukuba unxibelelana namanye amakhwenkwe kwaye bayamthanda. Kodwa mna ngokobuqu ndicinga ukuba imeko yakhe yangaphakathi ibonisa ukuba akazithembi kakhulu. Nangona bemthanda, ndicinga ukuba uya kuba lilolo, nangona esidla kunye namakhwenkwe kwaye ethatha inxaxheba kwezemidlalo. Akanguye umbaleki, kodwa uqhuba kakuhle. Umqeqeshi uthi uyiqonda yonke into, kungoko ekuhambeni kwexesha yonke into iza kuwa endaweni.

Gqirha N: Lunjani ulwalamano lukaSimon noyise?

Mama: Akunjalo ngokwenene. Umyeni wam akazange afunde nto. Uyamkhwaza, kwaye ndiyabona ukuba iyakhathaza ikratshi likaSimon. Emva koku, unyana uye egumbini lakhe kwaye unqanda utata iintsuku ezininzi. Indoda kufuneka iqonde ukuba le yingxaki, kodwa ayiyiqondi. Uphulukana nobukrelekrele, okanye ububele, okanye enye into.

Gqirha N: Uyayibona lento? Ngaba uyaqonda ukuba le ayiqhelekanga?

Mama: Hayi, andicingi njalo.

Gqirha N: Oko kukuthi, akaqapheli ingxaki ... Makhe ndicacise: ngamanye amaxesha utata wakhe uyamngxolisa, kwaye uSimon uyamshiya ephendula kwaye emthintela uyise ixesha elide. Ngaba utata akayiboni le nto okanye, ngasizathu sithile, akafuni ukwenza iinzame kwaye enze unxibelelwano nenkwenkwe leyo?

Mama: Ewe ulungile Ndiyithatha le nto ukuswela uvelwano. Imvelo, njengomama, kukukhusela abantwana bam. Yiyo loo nto saba neengxaki emtshatweni. Ngoku andikukhathazi ukukhumbuza umyeni wam. Kubuhlungu kum ukubona unyana wam ekule meko, kwaye andisafuni kujongana nomyeni wam malunga noSimon. Kudala sithuka ngenxa yalonto, kwaye lonto yonakalise umtshato wethu.

Gqirha N: Ukuba awuzange umkhuthaze-ke ...

Mama: Ukuba sonke siyohlala ekhaya ubomi bethu bonke, singenzi nto. Ekuphela kwento eyenziwa ngumyeni nabantwana kukubukela umabonwakude, kwaye babukele ntoni yena ngokwakhe ifuna ukwenza. Umyeni wam ufana nomntwana ozingcayo.

Umama kaSimon wenze konke abenako kunyana wakhe, kodwa inkwenkwe isafuna umzekelo, kwaye siyathemba ukuba esinye sezihlobo siyakuthatha indawo katata.

"Brian": Uthando lukaTata kunye nokuhoya kuzisa iziphumo

Ngokokubonwa ngabazali bakaBrian, inkwenkwe ivele iqhume xa utata engalibali ngaye. Kwaye eyona nto iphambili kuyo impumelelo

Gqirha N: Nksk Jones, uneminyaka emingaphi uBrian? Sele kudlule iminyaka emine utyelelo lwakho lokugqibela.

Mama: Uneminyaka elishumi ngoku.

Gqirha N: Uyilinganisa njani ukuba ibe ngumfazi omncinci? Luphi na utshintsho?

Mama: Ewe, kwaye ezinkulu. Usenokwenza isenzo esithile esibhinqileyo. Koonyana bam abane, oyena mfazi mkhulu; Nangona kunjalo, akasaziphathi "njengentombazana." Njengoko sisitsho, "ziziphatha njengenkwenkwe", "ukuba yinto eqhelekileyo." Ndicinga ukuba usabalaza kancinane ngale nto- izimbo zomzimba, iintshukumo. Ngamanye amaxesha kusafuneka

mkhumbuze ngale nto. Kodwa ndiyaqaphela ukuba indlela aziphatha ngayo ilunge ngakumbi, kwaye kunjalo iminyaka eliqela.

Gqirha N: Ngaba ucinga ukuba uyatshintsha kuba uyazi ukuba kungenjalo usemngciphekweni wokungathandeki, okanye kuba uphulukene nomdla kwindlela awayeziphethe ngayo ngaphambili?

Mama: Andiboni kwanto engalunganga. Uziphatha ngokwesiqhelo, nokuba asikho, bendikulandela iminyaka eliqela.

Gqirha N: Oko kukuthi, ucinga, indlela yokuziphatha kwabasetyhini yehle kakhulu.

Mama: Ewe, kuninzi.

Gqirha N: Umlinganisa njani ukuzithemba kwakhe? Ndikhumbula ukuba wayeneengxaki zokuzithemba okuphantsi.

Mama: Ndicinga ukuba uza kulwa nale nto ubomi bakhe bonke. Ndiyabona ukuba ngokuthe ngcembe uyakhula, kodwa kuye idabi elinzima kakhulu. Ngamanye amaxesha uyeza aze athi kum: "Ndicinga ukuba ndiyathandwa" okanye "Ndicinga ukuba ndingaba ngumhlobo nomnye umntu." Ndihlala ndiyiva loo nto. Uphethe kakuhle ukuzikhuthaza, ngelixa abanye abantwana bam abathathu bengazange bathandabuze ukuthandwa kwakhe.

Gqirha N: Kuthekani ngexhala lakhe kunye nokudakumba? Le yayiyingxaki enkulu kuBrian, ngakumbi uxinzelelo.

Mama: Uphantse wahamba.

Gqirha N: Ngokwenene?

Mama: Ndingathi kunyaka ophelileyo andikhumbuli kwaphela. Uhleli phantsi kwemeko yokutshintsha kwemozulu. Kodwa ndiyaqonda ukuba ungumntwana nje ongenakuphikiswa. Ungumntu ozimiseleyo, ongene kwiingcamango zakhe kwaye uyathanda ukuxoxa ngeemvakalelo zakhe nam, hayi notata. Kodwa akukho xinzelelo. Andiboni into enje. Ndingathi uyonwaba kakhulu.

Gqirha N: Mhle. Masithethe malunga nobuhlobo bukaBrian kunye nabafana. Wenza njani ngale nto?

Mama: Usenexhala ngabahlobo kunye nobudlelwane. Kuba mna nawe siye sajongana, ukunceda uBrian, ndaba yinkokheli ye-scouts, eyayisenza ukuba sikwazi ukumema iqela labafana abalishumi endlwini okungenani ngeveki.

Gqirha N: Ngaba ukwenzile ngokwenene?

Mama: Ewe, kwaye ndiyaqhubeka kude kube namhlanje, ngoko endlwini yethu kuhlala kukho amakhwenkwe.

Gqirha N: Ngaba unxibelelana nabo?

Mama: Ekuqaleni, xa bendiqala ukukhokela iqela labafana be-Scout, hayi, kodwa ngoku ndiyathetha. Ndiqalise ukumkhokela xa wayeneminyaka esibhozo kuphela, kwaye kufuneka nditsho, wayelilwanyane kancinci. Ngoku akekho kwiqela lam, kodwa uyandinceda ukujongana nabanye abafana abalishumi abeza kuthi, kwaye baziva bakhululekile.

Kodwa ndibona izakhiwo zakhe malunga nokuthandwa. Kwiminyaka embalwa edlulileyo, ebezama ngamandla ukwenza abahlobo esikolweni. Wabaleka waya ekhaya evuya wathi: “Ndinomhlobo omtsha!” Abanye abafana bahlala bemfowunela, kwaye utitshala uthi ithandwa kakhulu esikolweni. Kodwa kubonakala ngathi usakufumanisa kunzima ukukholelwa.

Kunyaka ophelileyo wesikolo, samthumela kwibala lebhola kwaye uyithiyile ibhola. Ke siyamyeka ayeke iiklasi. Kodwa kutsha nje ubuzile ukuba angadlala i-tennis kwaye ajoyine iqela lomdlalo wetennis. Simxelele "kunjalo." Waqala wacela into enje. Kodwa andifuni ukuthetha ukuba akaxhasiwe. Akanaso kwaphela isimo sengqondo emzimbeni wakhe konke konke.

Gqirha N: Ewe, sinokuthi inkqubela phambili iyabonakala. Kuthekani ngomsindo kunye nokukhupha komsindo awayenako uBrian ngaphambili?

Mama: Ezo ngoma? Yonke into idlulile.

Gqirha N: Konke kuhambile ...

Mama: Yayilixesha elibi lobomi bam, iminyaka emine embi. Kufundwa amanqaku am enziwe ngelo xesha, andikholwa ukuba siye kude kangakanani. Intsapho yethu yalawula ngoxinzelelo olupheleleyo. Kwaye ngoku yonke le yinto yinto edlulileyo.

Gqirha N: Ndifumana ukugcina idayari iluncedo kakhulu ukuze abazali bakwazi ukulandelela utshintsho. Njengoko siphila kwimihla yangoku, umfanekiso omkhulu awusifumani. Ukugcina idayari kunika abazali ithuba lokubona iziphumo zemizamo yabo.

Mama: Kuyinyani oku. Ndikhumbula ixesha lobomi bam kunye noBrian xa wayeneminyaka emibini ukuya kwemithandathu ubudala, ndingatsho ngokunyanisekileyo: yayiyimpazamo yobusuku bokwenyani. Andikwazanga nokuphupha ukuba ngenye imini uza kuba eqhelekileyo njengangoku. Kuyinyani, bendingenathemba lokuba iyakuze ikwazi ukuzibandakanya kuluntu nokunye.

Gqirha N: Ngaba utata uyaqhubeka ukunceda?

Mama: Ewe, ndiyaqhubeka ndimbetha xa elibele. UBhili uyalibala, kodwa xa ndimkhumbuza, akacaphuki kuba uyazi ukuba le nto ibalulekile.

Gqirha N: Ngaba uhlala elungisa uBrian?

Mama: hayi ngokufuthi njengakoluvo lwam, uyimfuneko, uBill nam kudala sithuka ngalento.

Gqirha N: Kodwa uBill akaqapheleli ukubonakaliswa kwendlela yokuziphatha oyibonayo? Okanye uqaphela kodwa akaboni unxibelelwano phakathi kwabo nenxaxheba yakhe kubomi bukaBrian?

Mama: Kuphela ukuba ilungile phantsi kwempumlo yakhe kwaye icacile.

Gqirha N: Ngaba uBrian uyamfumana utata wakhe?

Mama: Ewe ulungile Ndiqaphele ukuba uvuleleke kakhulu kutata emva kokuba bechithe ixesha kunye. Ngamanye amagama, ukuba uBill noBrian bachitha ixesha kunye, ke uBrian unamathela kuye. Sobabini siyayiqaphela.

Gqirha N: Oku kuqhelekile. U-Brian unemifanekiso emibi yoyise kunye nobudoda, eyamenza umntu. Kodwa emva konxibelelwano olufudumeleyo notata, umfanekiso wangaphakathi "ongendawo" okanye "ongabalulekanga utata" utshintshwa ngu "tata olungileyo". Amava akhe ngokuthe ngqo angena ngokuchasene nomfanekiso ofihlwe kwi-subconscious.

Mama: Ndixelela uBill ukuba ufana nenaliti kuBrian. Awunakutsho ngokuthe ngqo. UBill unika uBrian “inaliti” yengqwalaselo, kwaye kwiintsuku ezimbini okanye ezintathu uBrian akamshiyi utata wakhe. Kodwa emva koko, ukuba uBill uthoba ingqalelo yakhe, kuyadlula. Ngoku uBrian akayifuni le inaliti kangako, kwanele ukuba aphathwe egxalabeni yonke imihla, amange intamo. Kulo moya.

Gqirha N: Kulungile Yile nto kanye eyenzekayo. Kwaye uyayibona unxibelelwano phakathi kwendlela yokuziphatha kunye nokuzikhuphela ingqalelo katata nothando?

Mama: Ewe, kakhulu. Njengomlingo. Kunzima ukuyichaza le nto komnye umntu.

URicky: ukuqheleka ukuba yindoda

URicky oneminyaka elithoba ubudala wenze imitsi ebonakalayo kule minyaka imbalwa idlulileyo. Uyise uyaqhubeka nokuzibandakanya, uRicky unolwalamano oluhle nomntakwabo, kwaye uyakuqonda kakuhle ukungafani kwesini.

Gqirha N: Nksk Smith, ngaba ucinga ukuba ubufazi bukaRicky buyehlile ukusuka kunangaphambili?

Mama: Kulungile. Ndingathi ipesenti ezimbalwa zisala kule ngxaki.

Gqirha N: Ngaba utata wakho wayethatha inxaxheba ebomini bukaRicky?

Mama: Ewe.

Gqirha N: Akaphilanga koku?

Mama: Hayi. Waba noxanduva ngakumbi. Ukuba ngamanye amaxesha uyalibala, ngokukhawuleza uzibamba. Kufanelekile ukuba sibe ngumbono, kwaye ngokukhawuleza uyayitshintsha indlela yokuziphatha. Wayedla ngokuncokola ilize, ebaleka uxanduva. Kodwa ngoku umyeni wam unexhala qho xa elibala malunga noRicky, okanye abone izimvo zam ngaphandle kwengxaki.

Gqirha N: Oku kubaluleke kakhulu. Uyazi, ndisebenza nabazali abaninzi, kwaye oomama bahlala benomdla ngakumbi. Uninzi lootata kufuneka bakhuthazwe ukuba bathathe inxaxheba. Kwaye oonyana abaphumelele ngakumbi bahlala beboyise ababandakanyekileyo ngokwenene.

Kukuthini ukuzithemba kwakhe? Ngaba uRicky uziva engcono?

Mama: Kunzima ukuyithetha, kuba asikhange sidibane naziphi na iingxaki. Ndingatsho nje ukuba indlela yokuziphatha kunye nobufazi yinto yakudala. Saqala ukumqhelanisa nezifundo zamadoda, kwaye ngoku simthatha ukuya kuqubha. Uyithanda nyhani, kwaye umkhuluwa wakhe uyadada. Oku kubangela umdla kuba andikuthandi ukuqubha, kwaye i-baseball andiyithandi. Ngapha koko, andinakuma i-baseball! Kodwa uyibukela kunye nomntakwabo kwiTV, kwaye bayagula.

Gqirha N: Ngaba utata wakhe unomdla kwi-baseball?

Mama: Akunjalo ngokwenene.

Gqirha N: Oko kukuthi, aba babini babukele i-baseball.

Mama: Amakhwenkwe abukela i-baseball kwaye ngandlel 'ithile ayakwazi ukwenza imisebenzi yasekhaya yezibalo phakathi kwezinto. Andazi ukuba bayenza njani. Bafunda kunye: bahlala etafileni yasekhitshini, umyeni wam ufunda eyakhe, uRicky ufunda eyakhe.

Gqirha N: Ngaba ungathi ukhulile?

Mama: Mhlawumbi. Wayedla ngokuziphatha ngakumbi njengomntwana. Kuninzi okuguqulweyo. Ngale ntsasa bendikwisifundo esivulekile. Wayengafani nabanye abantwana. Akazange azonwabise kwabanye, kwaye wabonisa umdla wokufuna ukwazi, owawungazange ubekho ngaphambili. Ufuna ukwazi, ufuna ukuqonda. Ke ndicinga ukuba ukhulile. Kodwa ndiyazisola kuba ndingaboni buhlobo busondeleyo namakhwenkwe.

Gqirha N: Kuthekani ngexhala okanye uxinzelelo? Ngaba uyayibona into enje?

Mama: Ngamanye amaxesha udakumbile. Kodwa ayisiyiyo loo nto yokudakumba ngokupheleleyo xa waziphosa phezu kwebhedi elila. Akukho nto yohlobo olo. Oku asisavumeli.

Gqirha N: Ngaba uxinezelekile njengangaphambili? Ngaba ilusizi okanye irhoxisiwe?

Mama: Hayi njengangaphambili. Ukuba oku kuyenzeka, kuhlala kungekho ngaphandle kwesizathu. Ngenxa yomntu okanye into ethile. Ngoku uthetha ngayo.

Gqirha N: Ngaba yonke into ilungile kumntakwabo?

Mama: Ulwalamano lwabo luphuculwe. Bahamba kunye kwaye bachitha ixesha elininzi kunye. Yonke imihla baqeqesha kunye echibini lethu. Ngamanye amaxesha uJohn unokukhubekisa kwaye axhaphaze uRicky. Kodwa uJohn sele emdala ngokwaneleyo, ke ndiyakwazi ukumxelela ngokuziphatha kwakhe, kwaye uyayiqonda into yokuba kufuneka aziphathe ngendlela engafaniyo nomntakwabo.

Gqirha N: Ngaba uRicky uhlala ethetha ngokuba yinkwenkwe? Ngaba uhlala ethetha ngomehluko phakathi kwamakhwenkwe kunye namantombazana?

Mama: Ewe, umzekelo, ukuqubha. Izolo nje, baye basondela kum kwiklabhu bandibuza ukuba ndizakunika intombi yam uSue ngokuqubha. Ubetha impempe uRick wathi, "Hayi, ukubhukuda ayikokwakhe." Ndibuze: “Kutheni, Ricky?” Yathi: “Uyintombazana. Andifuni ukuba ahambe ayoqubha nathi. ”

UPhilip: Ukukhula kokuziqonda ngokwenkxaso kayise

Uyise kaPhilip, uJulio, wayekwidolophu yakhe umqeqeshi webhola odumileyo wesikolo. Kukho abafana abane kusapho lwabo, abazali babambelela kwimilinganiselo engqongqo yamaKatolika. UPhilip wayehlala eyinkwenkwe ethambile ngakumbi; Ukususela ebudaleni bakhe, wakhula engenatyala, egcinwe, egcinwe kude nabantakwabo. Xa wayeneminyaka elishumi elinanye, akazange afumane abahlobo bokwenyani esikolweni, wayenomdla kakhulu kwindawo yemidlalo yeqonga kunye nokudlala.

Xa uFilipu waya kwisikolo samabanga aphakamileyo, wayenganxibelelani kakhulu, ehlala enengxaki yokudakumba. Umama wakhe wamfumana elanda i-gay porn kwi-Intanethi kwaye wenza idinga kunye nam.

UJulio wayebathanda bonke oonyana bakhe, kodwa umsebenzi wakhe, ngenxa yokuba wayeqhele ukunyamalala ngorhatya nangeempelaveki kwimidlalo yebhola noqeqesho, akamvumelanga ukuba sekhaya kakhulu. Abanye abanye oonyana abathathu bakaJulio balandela emanyathelweni kayise, ngoko ke babekunye naye rhoqo, kodwa uPhilip, owayenomdla kude kwezemidlalo, wayesecaleni. Impumelelo yendawo katata wakhe njengabaqeqeshi iphakamise ibar kusapho lwabo olukhulu, oluxhasileyo olunamalungu amaninzi kunye nabazala, kwaye kwakulindelekile ukuba oonyana bakhe, kubandakanya noPhilip, bahlangane nalo mgangatho uphezulu.

Emva kweminyaka emithathu kunyango, ikakhulu ngenxa yomzamo kayise, uPhilip wenza inkqubela phambili enkulu. Wayeneminyaka elishumi elinesibhozo, kwaye wayeselekholejini. Nantsi incoko yethu naye.

Gqirha N: Filipu, unjani ngoku kunye nabahlobo abangamadoda?

UPhilip: Ngcono kakhulu.

Gqirha N: Yintoni yatshintshile?

UPhilip: Ndicinga ukuba ndingaqonda: lonke eli xesha ndinalo bekunjalo Ubuhlobo besilisa, kodwa andizange ndivume ukuba ndiyikholelwe.

Gqirha N: Khange ndiyivume?

UPhilip: Ke, nangona kunjalo, andizange ndiqonde ukuba buyintoni ubudlelwane bamadoda. Bendilindele uvakalelo ngakumbi kuye. Kwaye bendinombono ophantsi kunam. Ngoku ndiyaqonda ukuba bendisoloko ndinobuhlobo bamadoda, kodwa andizange ndivume ukukholelwa oku.

Ngenxa yeemfuno zakhe zeemvakalelo kwaye eyedwa, uFilipu wabeka ukulindeleka okungenangqondo kubuhlobo bamadoda. Wayelindele ukuba kufutshane kwakhe ngaphandle kwemeko, olungisa iimvakalelo zakhe zokuba, njengendoda, akahlangabezani neemfuno ezamkelwe ngokubanzi. Wayekwazi ukuvuma ukuba wayenabahlobo abalungileyo kwaye babenovulelekileyo kuye, kodwa ukuxhomekeka okukhulu ngokweemvakalelo kunye nothando, kwaye ngakumbi i-eroticism, aziqhelekanga kubuhlobo besilisa obuphilayo.

UPhilip: Xa ndikhangela emva, ndibona ukuba kukho amadoda ecaleni kwam, kodwa mna ndizifihle kubo. Kodwa ngelo xesha andizange ndiwabone la mathuba. Bendingakulungelanga ukubabona.

Gqirha N: Uwedwa kuba uhlala ucinga: lo mfo akasokuze abe ngumhlobo wam.

Ukoyika ukwaliwa kunye nokuziva ungento yanto kwamqhubela kwisebe lezokhuselo.

UPhilip: Ndaziva ngathi ndohlukile kwabanye abafana. Andazi ... Indlela endithethe ngayo, uburharha bam, yayahluke kakhulu, ke kwabonakala kum.

Gqirha N: Ngaba uziva ungomnye wazo ngoku?

UPhilip: Ngokuqinisekileyo.

Gqirha N: Uzibona phi, uthi, kwiminyaka elishumi? Ngaba ukhe ucinge ngekamva lakho njengenxalenye yehlabathi lesini?

UPhilip: Andikaze ndingowam kwindawo yezitabane. Ndiyazi ukuba andizalwanga gay. Ndibajonga njengabantu abangonwabanga abakholelwa ngokunyanisekileyo ukuba abanakukhetha. Ke, ndinemfesane ngabo.

Gqirha N: Oko kukuthi, ayikulungelanga?

UPhilip: Kulungile Ngayiphi na imeko, imigaqo yam yokuziphatha ayindivumeli ukuba ndenze oku.

Gqirha N: Ungalichaza njani ithemba lakho lobomi?

UPhilip: Ngcono kakhulu. Ndiyazi ukuba ndinenjongo yokufezekiswa, umsebenzi ekufuneka usonjululwe. Ndijonge kwikamva ndinethemba, nangona ndiyazi ukuba iya kuba yinde.

Gqirha N: Lunjani- Unjani ulwalamano lwakho notata wakho?

UPhilip: Mna noTata sisondele kakhulu kule minyaka mihlanu idlulileyo.

Iingcebiso kubazali

Mhlawumbi ngoku ungayibona ngcono into efunwa ngumntwana wakho, kwaye uthathe isigqibo sokungenelela nokulungisa indlela aziphatha ngayo ukuze ihambelane ngakumbi nesini. Ukushwankathela ngokufutshane okufutshane ngenkqubo yonyango, sichaza imigaqo emine onokuyifumana iluncedo:

1. Ukufezekisa isenzo esifanelekileyo sesini kwaye someleze umntwana, uhlala ukhumbula oku: ukudumisa kusebenza ngakumbi kunesohlwayo. Ukuba ufuna ukususa isimilo sobufazi obudlulileyo (nakwintombazana - exaggeratedly boyish), kusebenza kakhulu ukuveza ukungathandeki kwakho rhoqo nangokucacileyo, kodwa ukuthintela amanyathelo oqeqesho. Ngamanye amagama, lungisa ngobumnene umntwana, kodwa ungamohlwayi. Kwelinye icala, ukuba ujonga indlela yokuziphatha engafanelekanga ngokwesini ngeminwe yakho okanye umgxeka kakubi, umntwana unoluvo lobuxoki lokuba yonke into iqhelekile.

2. Ukuba uziva ngathi ubeka uxinzelelo olukhulu kakhulu emntwaneni wakho, thambisa iimfuno zakho. Yiba nomonde. Ukudumisa kunye nemizamo emincinci. Ngcono funa okuncinci kodwa ngokungaguqukiyo, ngaphezulu, kodwa ngokungaqhelekanga.

3. Ukuba kukho ithuba elinjalo sebenza kunye nonyango omthembayo. Le ngcali kufuneka yabelane ngeembono zakho malunga nesini kunye neenjongo zonyango, zikuncede ngovavanyo olungenamkhethe lwezenzo zakho kunye nengcebiso.

4. Khumbula ukuba unyana okanye intombi yakho ayizukuziva ikhuselekile, iyala ukuziphatha ngokwesini, ukuba akukho mntu usondeleyo kwisini sabo ecaleni kwabo abanokusebenza njengomzekelo ofanelekileyo wokuchongwa kwesini esifanelekileyo. Umntwana kufuneka phambi kwamehlo akhe abe ngumzekelo wokuba yindoda okanye umfazi - enomdla kwaye inqwenelekayo.

Ndicinga ukuba uya kuvuma ukuba impumelelo ebalulekileyo ifezekisiwe kubomi babafana ngamnye oneengxaki zesini eziqhelekileyo amabali awo axelelwa ngentla. Nangona kunyanzelekile ukuba uqhubeke nokusebenza kwezinye iindawo, abazali endibongamele ngaphambi kokuba ndigqibe unyango bazokuqhubeka nokuqhubekisela phambili oonyana babo abaqolileyo.

Kwisahluko esilandelayo, uza kufunda malunga nabanye abantwana abanabazali abaqhubeke ngokuzibhokoxa ekusebenzeni kwabo ngesini. Uyakufumanisa ukuba bagqitha kweliphi ixesha, indlela abajongana ngayo nobunzima kunye neziphi iziphumo abazifumeneyo.

UJoseph Nicolosi, I-PhD, Umongameli we-American National Association for Study and Therapy yoBufanane (i-NARTH), umlawuli weklinikhi ka-Thomas Aquinas Psychological Clinic e-Enchino, eCalifornia. Ungumbhali weencwadi eziLumkisayo zoNyango lwaBesilisa abaDala (i-Aronson, 1991) kunye neMicimbi yoNyango oluNgxamisekileyo: eAronson, 1993.

Linda Ames Nicolosi Ungumlawuli weempapasho e-NARTH, usebenze kunye neqabane lakhe kwiiprojekthi zakhe zokushicilela ngaphezulu kweminyaka engamashumi amabini.

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