Isikhokelo sonyango lobufanasini-Ukusekelwa kwiminyaka engama-30 yokufumana unyango umbhali usebenze ngaphezu kwe300 yabathengi abathandana abathandanayo.

Ndinikezela le ncwadi kwabasetyhini nakumadoda ahlushwa ziimvakalelo zesini esithandanayo, kodwa abafuni kuphila njengezitabane kwaye badinga uncedo olwakhayo nenkxaso.

Abo balibalekileyo, abanelizwi labo liphelelwe, kwaye abangazifumani iimpendulo kuluntu lwethu, eliqonda ilungelo lokuziqinisekisa kuphela kubantu abathandana nabanye.

Abo bacalucalulwayo ukuba bacinga okanye bavakalelwa kukuba umbono wobufanasini ongenabungozi nongaguqukiyo bubuxoki obubuhlungu, kwaye ayisiyabo le.

Intshayelelo

Le ncwadi sisikhokelo kunyango, okanye mandithi, ukuzinyanga ngokwakho kobufanasini. Yenzelwe abantu abathandana nabobufanasini abangathanda ukutshintsha "imeko" yabo, kodwa abanalo ithuba lokuqhagamshelana nengcali eya kuwuqonda ngokuchanekileyo umbuzo. Bambalwa ngokwenene iingcali ezinjalo. Esona sizathu soku kukuba kwiiyunivesithi esi sihloko sidlulile okanye asikhathalelwanga, kwaye ukuba kuyakhankanywa, kungaphakathi kwesakhelo seengcinga "zokuqheleka": ubufanasini kule meko yenye indlela yokuziphatha ngokwesini. Ke ngoko, bambalwa kakhulu oogqirha, oochwephesha bezengqondo kunye nabanyangi ehlabathini abanolwazi oluncinci olusisiseko kule ndawo.

Umsebenzi ozimeleyo ubalasele kulo naluphi na uhlobo lonyango lwamafanasini; Nangona kunjalo, oku akuthethi ukuba umntu angenza ngokupheleleyo ngaphandle koncedo lwangaphandle. Nawuphi na umntu onqwenela ukoyisa iingxaki zakhe zeemvakalelo udinga umntu oqondayo noxhasayo abanokuthetha naye ngokukhululekileyo, onokubanceda baqaphele izinto ezibalulekileyo kubomi babo beemvakalelo kunye nezizathu, kunye nokubakhokela kumzabalazo kunye nabo. Umcebisi onjalo akunyanzelekanga ukuba abe ngugqirha oyingcali, nangona kukhethwa ukuba (ngaphandle kokuba unembono efanelekileyo ngesini kunye nokuziphatha, kungenjalo unokwenza ingozi engaphezulu kunokulunga). Ngamanye amaxesha, le ndima ingadlalwa ngugqirha okanye umalusi onengqondo elungeleleneyo, esempilweni kunye nokukwazi ukuba novelwano. Xa ingekhoyo loo nto, kucetyiswa ukuba umhlobo okanye isihlobo esikhathaleleyo nasempilweni ngokwasengqondweni.

Ngokunxulumene noku kungasentla, le ncwadi yenzelwe, phakathi kwezinye izinto, ukunyanga kunye nabo bonke abo bajongana nabantu abathandana besisini esinye abafuna ukutshintsha, kuba ukuze babe ngumcebisi, kufuneka nolwazi olusisiseko ngobufanasini.

Umbono ngokuqonda kunye (self) nonyango lobufanasini olunikwa umfundi kulo msebenzi sisiphumo esingaphezulu kweminyaka engamashumi amathathu sophando kunye nonyango lwabathengi abangaphezu kwamakhulu amathathu, endiqhelene nabo iminyaka emininzi, kunye nokuqhelana nabanye abantu abathanda ubufanasini. abantu (bobabini "bezonyango" kunye "nabangekho zonyango", Oko kukuthi, kulungelelwaniso lwentlalo). Ngokumalunga nokuvavanywa kwengqondo, ubudlelwane bosapho, ubudlelwane nabazali kunye nokuziqhelanisa noluntu ebuntwaneni, ndincoma ukubhekisa ezimbini kwiincwadi zam zangaphambili, Imvelaphi kunye noNyango lobufanasini, i-1986, (ebhalelwe abaguli), ukuze bayiqonde ngakumbi le micimbi. Ubufanasini kunye neThemba, 1985

Kulungile, okanye unqwenele ukutshintsha

Ngaphandle kokuzimisela ngokuqinileyo, intando, okanye "ukuthanda okuhle", akukho lutshintsho lunokwenzeka. Kwiimeko ezininzi, phambi kwenjongo enjalo, imeko iphucuka ngokubonakalayo, kwezinye iimeko, utshintsho olunzulu lwangaphakathi lazo zonke iimvakalelo ze-neurotic zenzeka, zihamba notshintsho kukhetho lwesini.

Kodwa ngubani onayo, ngaba kungumnqweno olungileyo ukutshintsha? Uninzi lwabantu abathandana besisini esinye, kubandakanya nabo bazibhengeza elubala ukuba "bangamafanasini," basenomnqweno wokuba baqheleke- yinto nje ekudla ngokucinezelwa. Nangona kunjalo, bambalwa kakhulu abalwela utshintsho ngokungaguquguquki kunye nokuzingisa, kwaye hayi nje ngokwenza ngokwemo yeemvakalelo zabo. Nokuba abo bazimisele ukulwa nobufanasini bahlala benemfihlo yokuzibandakanya kwiminqweno yokulalana. Ke ngoko, kuninzi, umnqweno olungileyo uhlala ubuthathaka; Ukongeza, ijongelwe phantsi kakhulu ziifowuni zikawonkewonke zokuba "yamkele ubufanasini bakho."

Ukugcina ukuzimisela, kubalulekile ukuziphuhlisa ngokwakho izizathu ezinjengokuthi:

• umbono ocacileyo ngobufanasini njengento engeyoyamvelo;

• Ukuziphatha okuqinisekileyo kunye / okanye neenkolelo;

• kwimeko yomtshato - umnqweno wokuphucula ubudlelwane bomtshato obukhoyo (ukunxibelelana, njl. Njl. - yintoni ebalulekileyo emtshatweni ngaphandle kwesondo).

Ukuba nenkuthazo yesiqhelo akufani nokuziqhayisa, ukuzithiya, okanye ukuvuma ngeentloni imithetho yokuziphatha ngesizathu sokuba ibekiwe luluntu okanye inkolo. Endaweni yoko, oko kuthetha ukuba nemvakalelo ezolileyo neqinileyo yokuba ubufanasini abuhambelani nokukhula kwengqondo kunye / okanye ubunyulu bokuziphatha, kunye nesimo sengqondo sesazela kunye noxanduva phambi koThixo. Ke ngoko, kwisiphumo sonyango oluyimpumelelo, ukuqiniswa okungagungqiyo kokuzimisela kukabani ukuba alwe necala lesini sobuntu bakhe kuyafuneka.

Iziphumo

Kuyaqondakala ukuba uninzi lwabantu abafuna ukuphiliswa kubufanasini, kunye nabanye abantu abanomdla, bafuna ukwazi "ipesenti yabantu abaphilisiweyo". Nangona kunjalo, amanani alula awanelanga ukuqokelela ulwazi olupheleleyo ngesigwebo esifanelekileyo. Kumava am, i-10 ukuya kwi-15 leepesenti labo baqala unyango baphumelela "ngokukuko" ukuphilisa (iipesenti ezingama-30 ziyeke unyango kwiinyanga nje ezimbalwa). Oku kuthetha ukuba emva kweminyaka emva kokuphela konyango, iimvakalelo zobufanasini azibuyeli kubo, bakhululekile kubungqingili babo - utshintsho luba nzulu ngokuhamba kwexesha; Okokugqibela, inqaku lesithathu nelingabalulekanga lotshintsho "olukhulu" kukuba bahamba phambili ngokubhekisele kwiimvakalelo ngokubanzi kunye nokukhula. Umba wokugqibela ubaluleke kakhulu, kuba ubufanasini ayisiyiyo "ukhetho" kuphela, kodwa kukubonakaliswa kobuntu obuthile be-neurotic. Umzekelo, ndibone amatyala aliqela otshintsho olukhawulezileyo nolugqibeleleyo lokukhetha ubufanasini kubantu abathandana nabantu besini esinye kwizigulana ezazifihliwe ngaphambili. La ngamatyala okwenyani "okubonisa uphawu" okusinika ukuqonda kwenyani yeklinikhi yokuba ubufanasini bungaphezulu kokuphazamiseka ekusebenzeni ngokwesondo.

Uninzi lwabo baphendukela rhoqo kwiindlela ezixutyushwe apha zinokuphuculwa okwenyani emva kwembalwa (ngokomyinge ukusuka kwiminyaka emithathu ukuya kwemihlanu) kunyango. Iminqweno yabo yobungqingili kunye nemibono iyenza buthathaka okanye inyamalale, ubungqingili buzibonakalisa okanye bukhuliswe kakhulu, kwaye nenqanaba le-neurotization liyancipha. Abanye (kodwa ayizizo zonke), nangona kunjalo, ngamanye amaxesha baba namava okubuyela umva (ngenxa yoxinzelelo, umzekelo), kwaye babuyela kwiminqweno yabo yakudala yobungqingili; kodwa, ukuba baphinde baqala emzabalazweni, kudlula ngokukhawuleza.

Lo mfanekiso unethemba elingcono kuneli labathile abathandana besini abazama ukusizisa kuthi, abo bakhusela iimfuno zabo ekukhuthazeni umbono wokungaguquki kobungqingili. Kwelinye icala, ukufumana impumelelo akukho lula njengokuba abanye abathandana nesini gwenxa ngamanye amaxesha bebanga. Okokuqala, inkqubo yotshintsho ihlala ithatha iminyaka emithathu ukuya kwesihlanu, ngaphandle kwayo yonke inkqubela phambili eyenziwe ngexesha elifutshane. Ngapha koko, olo tshintsho lufuna unyamezelo, ukulungela ukwaneliswa ngamanqanaba amancinci, uloyiso oluncinci kubomi bemihla ngemihla endaweni yokulindela ngokukhawuleza ukuphiliswa. Iziphumo zenkqubo yotshintsho azidanisi xa sifumanisa ukuba umntu ophantsi kolwakhe uphinda enze uhlengahlengiso ngokutsha okanye ubuntu bakhe obungaphangeli. Kananjalo akunyanzelekanga ukuba ucinge ukuba awuzange uzame nokuzama unyango ukuba isiphumo salo ayisosifo esipheleleyo salo lonke utyekelo lobufanasini. Ngokuchasene noko, umntu onobungqingili angaxhamla kuphela kule nkqubo: ukuthothisa okwabelana ngesondo kuyanyamalala phantse kuwo onke amatyala, kwaye uqala ukuziva onwabile kwaye esempilweni ngesimo sakhe esitsha kwaye, ewe, indlela yokuphila. Phakathi kokuphiliswa okugqibeleleyo kwaye, kwelinye icala, kuphela inkqubela encinci okanye yethutyana (kwi-20% yabo baqhubeka nonyango) kukho ukuqhubekeka okukhulu kotshintsho olululo. Ngayiphi na imeko, kwanabo benze inkqubela encinci ekuphuculeni imeko yabo bavame ukunciphisa umda kunxibelelwano lwabo lobufanasini, olunokuthi lujongwe njengokufunyanwa kokubini kwimeko yokuziphatha kunye nasempilweni yomzimba, ukuthathela ingqalelo ubhubhane we-AIDS. (Ulwazi ngezifo ezosulela ngesondo kunye namathemba kubantu abathandana besini esinye kungoyikisa).

Ngamafutshane, kwimeko yobufanasini, sijongana nento efanayo nakwezinye ii-neuroses: i-phobias, i-obsessions, uxinzelelo okanye ukungahambi kakuhle ngokwesondo. Eyona nto isengqiqweni kukwenza into ngokuchasene noku, ngaphandle kwenkcitho enkulu yamandla kunye nokushiya ulonwabo kunye nemibono. Uninzi lwamafanasini luyayazi le nto, kodwa ngenxa yokungafuni kwabo ukubona okucacileyo, bazama ukuziqinisekisa ngokwabo ukuba imeko yabo iqhelekile, kwaye bayacaphuka xa bejamelene nesoyikiso kwiphupha labo okanye ukubaleka kwinyani. Bathanda ukubugqithisela kubunzima bonyango kwaye, ewe, bahlala bezimfama kwizibonelelo eziziswa lolona tshintsho lincinci lulungileyo. Kodwa ngaba abantu bayala unyango lwe-rheumatoid arthritis okanye umhlaza, ngaphandle kokuba ezi ndlela zonyango zingakhokeleli kunyango olupheleleyo lwazo zonke iindidi zezigulana?

Impumelelo yentshukumo yesini gay kunye nezinye iindlela zonyango

Kwintshukumo ekhulayo ye-gay, umntu unokuhlangana nenani elikhulayo labo abaye baphucula kakhulu imeko yabo okanye bade baphola. Kwizenzo zabo, la maqela nemibutho isebenzisa umxube wesayikholoji kunye nemigaqo yobuKristu kunye neendlela, bethathela ingqalelo ngakumbi kumcimbi wokulwa kwangaphakathi. Isigulana esingumKristu sinethuba kunyango, kuba ukholo kwilizwi elingaxelwanga nguThixo limnika indlela elungileyo ebomini, yomeleza intando yakhe ngokuchasene nobumnyama bobuntu bakhe kwaye azabalazele ukucoceka kokuziphatha. Ngaphandle kokungahambelani okuthile, (umzekelo, ngamanye amaxesha, inkanuko enkulu nokuzimisela kakhulu "ukungqina" kwaye ulindele "ummangaliso" olula), le ntshukumo yamaKristu inento esinokuyifunda (nangona kunjalo, esi sifundo singafundwa ngokuziqhelanisa nezinto zabucala) . Ndiyithetha loo nto Unyango lobufanasini kufuneka lujongane ngaxeshanye nesayikholoji, imeko yokomoya kunye nokuziphatha- ubukhulu becala kunonyango lwenani lezinye ii-neuroses. Esebenzisa iinzame zokomoya, umntu ufunda ukumamela ilizwi lesazela, elithetha ngaye ngokungahambelani kobufanasini kunye nelizwe lokwenyani kwiingcinga nangokwenkolo eyiyo. Uninzi lwamafanasini luzama konke okusemandleni ukulungelelanisa okungahambelaniyo kwaye bacinge ukuba banokuba ngamakholwa kwaye baphile ubomi bobufanasini ngaxeshanye. Ukuqamba nokukhohlisa kweminqweno enjalo kucacile: ziphela ngokubuyela kwindlela yokuphila yamafanasini kunye nokulibala kobuKristu, okanye, ngenxa yokuthotywa kwesazela, ukuyilwa kohlobo lwethu lobuKristu oluhambelana nobufanasini. Ngokuphathelele kunyango lobufanasini, ezona ziphumo zibalaseleyo zingafunyanwa ngokuthembela kwindibaniselwano yezinto zokomoya kunye nokuziphatha kunye nempumelelo yengqondo.

Andifuni mntu ukuba afumane uluvo njengoko beqhelene neembono zam ngobufanasini kunye nonyango lwazo endilulaza ezinye iindlela kunye neendlela. Kubonakala kum ukuba ithiyori yengqondo kunye nonyango lwanamhlanje zifana kakhulu kunokwahluka. Ngokukodwa, oku kuchaphazela umbono wobufanasini njengengxaki yesazisi-oku kwabelwana phantse ngumntu wonke. Ngaphaya koko, iindlela zonyango ezenziwayo zinokwahluka kakhulu kunokuba kubonakala ngathi kuthelekiswa kuphela iincwadi zezifundo. Ngokwenene zidibana ngeendlela ezininzi. Kwaye ndinentlonipho enkulu kubo bonke abantu endisebenza nabo abasebenza kule ndawo, bezama ukusombulula iimfihlakalo zobufanasini kunye nokunceda abanengxaki ukuba bafumane isazisi sabo.

Apha ndicebisa ukuba, ngokoluvo lwam, loluphi udibaniso olufanelekileyo lwethiyori ezahlukeneyo kunye nezimvo ezivela kuzo ezizezona ndlela ziphucukileyo zokwenza unyango. Okuqinisekileyo ngokubonayo kunye nezigqibo zethu, kuya kusiba nzulu ngakumbi umthengi wethu, kwaye oku kuya kuchaphazela ngqo imeko yakhe.

1. Yintoni ubufanasini

Uphononongo olufutshane lwengqondo

Ukwenzela ukuba umfundi enze umbono ocacileyo wento eza kuxelwa apha ngezantsi, okokuqala siqaqambisa iimpawu ezahlukileyo zesikhundla sethu.

1. Indlela yethu yokusekelwa isekwe kwimbono yokungazisizi, kwaye siyithathela ingqalelo le nto njengobungqingili. Ubungqingili abukhethi ngabom ukuzisizela, ukuba ndingathi kunjalo, kuyodwa, kuvelise kwaye kuqinise isimilo sakhe se "masochistic". Ngokwenyani, umtsalane kubufanasini, kunye neemvakalelo zokuziva uphantsi ngokwesini, kuko kukodwa ukubonakaliswa kokuzisizela. Oku kuqondana kungqinelana nezimvo kunye nokuqwalaselwa nguAlfred Adler (1930, ubunzima bokujongela phantsi kunye nomnqweno wembuyekezo njengokubuyekezwa kokujongwa phantsi), iAustro-American psychoanalyst Edmund Bergler (1957, ubufanasini buthathelwa ingqalelo njenge "masochism yengqondo") kwaye ugqirha wezengqondo waseDatshi uJohan Arndt (1961, umbono ubonakalisiwe. Ukuzisizela).

2. Ngenxa yobukho besini sokungaziphathi kakuhle ngokwesini, ubufanasini buhlala ikakhulu "ingumntwana", "ulutsha" - le nto yaziwa ngokuba ngumntwana. Le ngcamango kaFreudy yasetyenziswa kubufanasini nguWilhelm Steckel (1922), ohambelana nengcinga yale mihla "yomntwana ongaphakathi kwangexesha elidlulileyo" (ugqirha wezengqondo zabantwana waseMelika uMissldine, 1963, Harris, 1973, nabanye).

3. Isimo esithile somzali okanye ubudlelwane phakathi komntwana nomzali bunokubeka imeko ekumiselweni kobungqingili bokujongwa kobufanasini; Nangona kunjalo, ukungamkelwa kwiqela labantu besini esifanayo kubaluleke ngakumbi kunombandela wokumiselwa kwangaphambili. Uvavanyo lwendabuko lwe-psychoanalysis lucutha nakuphi na ukuphazamiseka kuphuhliso lweemvakalelo kunye ne-neurosis kulwalamano oluphazamisekileyo phakathi komntwana nomzali. Ngaphandle kokukhanyela ukubaluleka kobudlelwane phakathi komzali nomntwana, siyabona, nangona kunjalo, ukuba oyena ndoqo wokumisela ukuzithemba ngokwesini xa kuthelekiswa noontanga besini esifanayo. Kule nto singqamana nabameli be-neo-psychoanalysis, enje ngoKaren Horney (1950) noJohan Arndt (1961), kunye nokuzithemba ngokuzithemba, umzekelo, uKarl Rogers (1951) nabanye.

4. Ukoyikwa kwamalungu esini esahlukileyo kuxhaphakile (psychoanalysts Ferenczi, 1914, 1950; Fenichel 1945), kodwa hayi oyena nobangela utyekelo lobufanasini. Endaweni yoko, olu loyiko luthetha ngeempawu zokuziva uphantsi ngokwesini, ezinokuthi, zinokuxhokonxwa ngamalungu esini esahlukileyo, anolindelo lwesini umntu athandana naye azibona engakwazi ukuhlangabezana nalo.

5. Ukulandela iminqweno yobufanasini kukhokelela ekubeni likhoboka lesini. Abo balandela le ndlela bajongene neengxaki ezimbini: ubunzima bokungaphantsi kwesini kunye nokuzimela ngokuzimeleyo ngokwesini (okuthelekiswa nemeko ye-neurotic enengxaki yotywala). Ugqirha wezengqondo waseMelika u-Lawrence J. Hatterer (1980) ubhale malunga nesi sifo sokulutha.

6. Kwi (self) unyango, ukukwazi ukuzihlekisa ngokwakho kudlala indima ekhethekileyo. Kwisihloko sokuzikhohlisa, uAdler wabhala, kwi "hyperdramatization" - uAndndt, izimvo zendlela yokuziphatha yokuziphatha uSampuli (1967) malunga "nokunyanzeliswa" kunye nogqirha wezengqondo wase-Austrian uViktor Frankl (1975) malunga "nenjongo ephikisayo" iyaziwa.

7. Okokugqibela, ekubeni umdla wabathandana nabantu besini esinye uvela ekugxininiseni ngokwakho okanye kwi "egophilia" yobuntu obungekakhuli (eli gama laziswa nguMurray, ngo-1953), uluvo / unyango lujolise ekufumaneni ezo mpawu zokuziphatha kunye nezokuziphatha ezishenxisa le ngxinano kunye nokwanda ukukwazi ukuthanda abanye.

Ukungazi

Ngokucacileyo, uninzi lwabantu lusakholelwa ukuba ubufanasini, oko kukuthi, ukutsala umdla wesini kumalungu esini esifanayo, kudityaniswa nokubuthathaka okubonakalayo komtsalane wesini esahlukileyo, akuqhelekanga. Ndithi "nangoku" kuba kutsha nje siye sajongana ne-propaganda esebenzayo "yesiqhelo" ngabantu abangazi nto nabazibandakanya kwezopolitiko nakwezentlalo abalawula amajelo eendaba, ezopolitiko kunye nenxalenye enkulu yehlabathi lezemfundo. Ngokungafaniyo nabantu abakumgangatho ophezulu kwezentlalo, uninzi lwabantu abaqhelekileyo alukaphulukani nengqondo yabo, nangona benyanzelekile ukuba bamkele amanyathelo ezentlalontle anikezelwa ngabantu abathandana besisini esinye kunye nembono yabo "yamalungelo alinganayo". Abantu abaqhelekileyo abanako ukusilela ukubona ukuba kukho into engalunganga kwabo bantu, bengamadoda nabasetyhini ngokwasemzimbeni, abaziva betsalwa zizinto zendalo zesini. Kumbuzo odidayo wabaninzi, inokwenzeka njani into yokuba "abantu abafundileyo" bakholelwe ukuba ubufanasini yinto eqhelekileyo, mhlawumbi eyona mpendulo inokuba yingxelo kaGeorge Orwell yokuba kukho izinto emhlabeni "ezibubudenge kangangokuba zizifundiswa kuphela ezinokukholelwa kuzo. " Le nto ayisiyonto intsha: uninzi lwezazinzulu ezaziwayo eJamani kwiminyaka yoo-30 zaqala "ukukholelwa" kwiimbono "ezichanekileyo" zobuhlanga. Ithuku lomhlambi, ubuthathaka, kunye nomnqweno wokoyika "wokuba ngowakhe" kubenza bancame isigwebo esizimeleyo.

Ukuba umntu ulambile, kodwa kwinqanaba leemvakalelo ukwala ukutya kukothuka, sithi unengxaki yokuphazamiseka - ianorexia. Ukuba umntu akalufuni uvelwano emehlweni abo bahluphekayo, okanye, ngakumbi, uyayonwabela, kodwa kwangaxeshanye abe nemvakalelo yokubona ikatana elahliweyo, siyakuqonda ukuba kukuphazamiseka ngokweemvakalelo, ukuphazamiseka kwengqondo. Njl. Nangona kunjalo, xa umntu omdala engavuswanga ngokwesini ngamalungu esini esahlukileyo, kwaye kwangaxeshanye efuna ngokungathandabuzekiyo amaqabane esini esifanayo, olo lwaphulo-mthetho luthathwa ngokuba "lunempilo." Mhlawumbi emva koko i-pedophilia iqhelekile, njengoko abameli bayo sele bexelile? Umboniso? I-Gerontophilia (umtsalane kubantu abadala ngokungabikho kobungqingili obuqhelekileyo), ukukhulelwa komzimba (ukuvuswa kwesondo ukusuka kwimbadada yomfazi ngokungakhathali emzimbeni wabasetyhini), voyeurism? Ndiza kuyishiya ecaleni eyinqaba ngakumbi kodwa ngethamsanqa kukuphambuka okuqhelekileyo.

Amadoda athandana namanye amafanasini azama ukutyhala umbono wokuqheleka kwawo ngokuzenza amaxhoba ocalucalulo, ebhenela kwiimvakalelo zenceba, ubulungisa kunye nethuku lokukhusela ababuthathaka, endaweni yokuqinisekisa ngobungqina obunengqiqo. Oku kubonisa ukuba bayabazi ubuthathaka obusengqiqweni besikhundla sabo, kwaye bazama ukubuyekeza oku ngokushumayela ngothando, nangokweemvakalelo. Ingxoxo eyinyani nolu hlobo lwabantu phantse ayinakwenzeka, kuba bayala ukubala nolunye uluvo olungangqinelani nembono yabo yesiqhelo. Nangona kunjalo, ngaba bayakholelwa koku kubunzulu beentliziyo zabo?

"Abalwi" abanjalo banokuphumelela ekudaleni i-aura yokufela ukholo - umzekelo, oomama bahlala bekholelwa kuyo. Kwidolophu yaseJamani, ndabona iqela labazali abangamafanasini bemanyene ukukhusela "amalungelo" oonyana babo. Babengekho ndlongondlongo kwindlela yabo yokuqiqa ngaphandle koonyana babo. Abanye oomama basebenze ngokungathi kukho umntu ophazamisana nobomi bomntwana wabo amthandayo, ngelixa ibingumbandela nje wokuqonda ubufanasini njengelizwe elinemithambo-luvo.

Umsebenzi weendlela ezimfutshane

Xa umntu ezichaza njengommeli wohlobo olukhethekileyo lobuntu (“Ndilifanasini,” “ndilifanasini,” “ndililesbian”), ungena kwindlela eyingozi ngokwembono yengqondo-ngokungathi nguye. ngokwahlukileyo kubantu abathandana besini esahlukileyo. Ewe, emva kweminyaka yomzabalazo nexhala, oku kusenokuzisa isiqabu, kodwa kwangaxeshanye kuyindlela ekhokelela ekoyisweni. Umntu ochaza ukuba lifanasini uthatha indima yangaphandle ngokupheleleyo. Le yindima yeqhawe elibuhlungu. Ukuzihlola ngokusengqiqweni nangokusengqiqweni bekuya kuba kukwahluke ngokupheleleyo: “Ndinazo ezi ntelekelelo neminqweno, kodwa ndiyala ukuvuma ukuba “ndilifanasini” kwaye ndiziphathe ngokufanelekileyo.”

Ewe, indima ihlawula izabelo: kuyanceda ukuziva ngathi ukunye phakathi kwabantu abathandana besisini esinye, kuyisusa okwexeshana uxinzelelo oluvela kwimfuno yokuxhathisa izinto ezinomtsalane kubufanasini, inika ukoneliseka ngokweemvakalelo ngokuziva uligorha elikhethekileyo, elingaqondakaliyo lentlekele (nokuba ingazi njani), - Kwaye, ewe, kuzisa ulonwabo kwizenzo zesondo. Omnye owayethandana nabanye, ekhumbula ukufumanisa kwakhe inkcubeko yesini, uthi: “Kwakungathi ndibuyele ekhaya. Ndifumene iqela lam lontanga (khumbula umdlalo wobuntwana bobufanasini ukuba uzive ungaphandle). Xa ndijonga ngasemva, ndiyabona ukuba sasilusizi kangakanani - iqela labantu ababengaqhelananga nobomi, abathi ekugqibeleni bafumanisa indawo yabo kobu bomi ”(Howard 1991, 117).

Nangona kunjalo, ingqekembe inecala elisezantsi. Kule ndlela, ungaze uzuze ulonwabo lokwenene, okanye uxolo lwangaphakathi. Ixhala kunye nokuziva ulilolo ngaphakathi kuya konyuka kuphela. Kwaye kuthekani ngokutshutshisa okuqhubekayo kunye nokuqhubeka kwengcingo yesazela? Kwaye konke ngenxa yokuba umntu azichaze ngegama elithi "Ndim" lobuxoki, engena kwindlela yokuphila yobungqingili. Iphupha lokulukuhla ekuhambeni kwexesha liphenduke ekubeni yinto engeyonyani: "ukuba ngungqingili" kuthetha ukuphila ubomi bobuqhetseba, kude nobomi bakho bokwenene.

Isimangalo sobufanasini sikhuthaza abantu ukuba bazichaze ngobufanasini, besithi abantu “balungile”. Nangona kunjalo, umdla wabantu abathandana nobungqingili awufane uguquke ungaguquki kwaye ungaguquki (ukuba kunjalo). Amaxesha okuthandana kwabantu abathandana abatshatileyo aqhuba ngokutshintsha ngamanye amaxesha nangaphantsi komtshato. Ewe, ulutsha oluninzi kunye nabantu abancinci abangazange bahlakulele "umfanekiso wobufanasini," bazisindisile ngale ndlela ekukhuliseni isimo sengqondo sobufanasini. Kwelinye icala, igama lomntu lixhasa utyekelo lobufanasini, ngakumbi ekuqaleni, xa umntu efuna ukukhula icandelo lakhe lobufanasini. Kuya kufuneka siqonde ukuba malunga nesiqingatha samadoda athandana nabantu abathandana nesini sinokuthathwa njengento enye, kwaye phakathi kwabantu abathandekayo besesini le pesenti iphakamileyo kakhulu.

2. Unobangela wobufanasini

Ngaba ubufanasini buhlobene ngokwenene ngemfuza kunye nokwakheka kwengqondo okhethekileyo?

Igama elithi "iihormoni" alifakwanga kwisihloko salo mhlathi, kuba iinzame zokukhangela isiseko sehomoni sobufanasini sele sishiyiwe (khange bavelise nasiphi na isiphumo - ngaphandle kokuba umphandi waseMpuma Jamani uDorner ufumene unxibelelwano kwiigundane, kodwa oku akunanto yakwenza nesini somntu, kwaye ngokwenene iimvavanyo ngokwazo zazingachanekanga ngokupheleleyo ngokwezibalo). Kubonakala ngathi akukho sizathu sokuqhubeka nokuxhasa ithiyori yehomoni.

Nangona kunjalo, kufuneka siqaphele ukuba abo baxhasa ubufanasini bazama amashumi eminyaka ukubamba ngalo naliphi na ixesha ngenjongo yokubonisa ithiyori yehomoni, nokuba yeyiphi na. Bazama ukunika uluvo lokuba "isayensi ibonakalisile" imeko eqhelekileyo yokuthandana kwabantu besini esinye, kwaye abo bangavumelaniyo noko baxhomekeka kwiithiyori ezingenanto.

Namhlanje, kuncinci okutshintshileyo kule meko; mhlawumbi kuphela zizinto ezifunyanwe kakhulu ebuchotsheni besini esifileyo, okanye iingcinga zekhethelo lesini, ngoku zisebenza njengobungqina besayensi.

Kodwa ukuba kufunyenwe into ethile yebhayoloji enxulumene ngokuthe ngqo nobufanasini, ngekhe ikwazi ukubangumbambano uxhasa imeko yesiqhelo. Emva kwayo yonke loo nto, into ethile yebhayoloji ayifanelanga ukuba ibangelwe bubufanasini; Ngempumelelo elinganayo inokuba sisiphumo sayo. Nangona kunjalo, ubukho bento enjalo kunokwenzeka ngakumbi ukusuka kwinqanaba lefantasy kunezinyani. Namhlanje kuyacaca ukuba izizathu ezilapha azihambelani ne-physiology okanye i-biology.

Kutshanje, kuye kwavakaliswa izifundo ezibini ezithi zivelise ubukho besizathu sokuba sibekho. U-Hamer et al. (1993) wavavanya isampulu yamadoda athandana nabantu abathandana nabantu besini esinye. Wafumana kwi2 / 3 yazo imiqondiso yokufana kwenxalenye encinci ye-X chromosome (ifa elivela kumama).

Ngaba iyalufumana uhlobo lobufanasini? Hayi indlela! Ngokoluvo ngokubanzi lwenzululwazi yemfuza, ngaphambi kokuba kusekwe imbalelwano yemfuza, ukuphindaphinda kwezi ziphumo kufuneka. "Ukufunyanwa" okufanayo kohlobo lwe-schizophrenia, i-psychic-depression psychosis, isiselo esinxilisayo kunye nolwaphulo-mthetho (!) Ngokuthe cwaka nangokuthula ngenxa yokunqongophala kobungqina obulandelayo.

Ukongeza, isifundo sikaHamer asimeleli: ichaphazela icandelo elincinci lamadoda angamafanasini, abantakwabo nabo babengamafanasini (engekho ngaphezulu kwe-10% yabo bonke amafanasini), kwaye ayizange iqinisekiswe ngokupheleleyo, kodwa kuphela ngo-2/3, okt. ngaphezu kwe-6% yabo bonke amafanasini. "Akusekho", kuba kuphela amafanasini avulekileyo nabo babenabantakwabo abathandana nabo babemelwe kwiqela lokufunda (kuba laqokelelwa kuphela ngeentengiso kwiimpapasho ezingqingili).

Ukuba olu phononongo belungangqinwa, belungazukubonisa ubungqina bobukho bobufanasini. Uvavanyo olusondeleyo luza kutyhila ukuba ufuzo lunokuchaphazela naziphi na iimpawu, umzekelo, ukufana ngokomzimba kunina, ubume, okanye, umzekelo, utyekelo loxinzelelo, njl njl. bakhulise oonyana abaneempawu ezinjalo kwindawo yobudoda engephi, okanye amakhwenkwe anoluhlobo lobuntu ayethambekele ekungalungisi kakuhle kwiqela loontanga besini esifanayo (ukuba, umzekelo, ufuzo lwalunxulunyaniswa noloyiko). Ke ngoko, ufuzo ngokwalo alunakucacisa. Akunakulindeleka ukuba inxulunyaniswe nokwabelana ngesondo ngolu hlobo, kuba amafanasini (okanye inani elincinci labo elinolu hlobo) banokuba neempawu ezithile zehomoni kunye / okanye zengqondo - ezingazange zafunyanwa.

UWilliam Byne (1994) uphakamisa omnye umbuzo onomdla. Ukufana phakathi koonyana abathandana besisini esinye noomama babo kulandelelwano lweemolekyuli ze-X chromosome efundwayo, uyaphawula, akubonisi uhlobo olufanayo olufanayo kuwo onke la madoda, kuba akuzange kuvezwe ukuba kuzo zonke iimeko ezifanayo Ulandelelwano lweemolekyuli. (Elinye isibini labazalwana lalinombala wamehlo ofana noka mama; omnye wayenemilo yempumlo, njl.

Ke, ubukho bohlobo lobufanasini buchatshazelwa ngenxa yezi zizathu zibini: i-1) kwiintsapho zabantu abathandana nabantu abatshatileyo, ifa likaMendel alifunyanwanga; I-2) iziphumo zoviwo lwamawele zihambelana ngakumbi nethiyori yommandla ongaphandle kunenkcazo yemfuzo.

Makhe sichaze okwesibini. Izinto ezinomdla zavela apha. Emuva ngo-1952, uKallmann waxela ukuba, ngophando lwakhe, i-100% yamawele afanayo, elinye lawo lalili-gay, lalinamawele nalo lingumlingani wobufanasini. Kumawele omntakwabo, yi-11% kuphela yabazalwana ababengamafanasini. Kodwa, njengoko kwavela kamva, uphando lukaKallmann lwafumanisa ukuba alunamkhethe kwaye alunabameli, kwaye kungekudala kwacaca ukuba baninzi abantu abathandana besini esinye phakathi kwamawele afanayo. Umzekelo, uBaley noPillard (1991) bafumanise ukuhlangana kwabantu besini esinye kwi-52% yamawele angamadoda afanayo kunye ne-22% yamawele, ngelixa abantakwabo abangamafanasini befunyanwa kwi-9% yabantu abangamawele, kwaye i-11% yayinabantakwabo abamkelekileyo! Kule meko, okokuqala, into yemfuza enxulumene nobufanasini inokuthi ithathe isigqibo kuphela kwisiqingatha samatyala, ke ayisosizathu sokuthatha isigqibo. Okwesibini: umahluko phakathi kwamawele omtshato, kwelinye icala, amafanasini kunye nabantakwabo (kubandakanya nabamkelekileyo), kwelinye icala (22%, 9% kunye ne-11%, ngokulandelanayo), yalatha kwizizathu ezingezizo ezofuzo, kuba amawele omtshato nawo ahluke kakhulu njengazo zonke izihlobo. Ke, inkcazo yobudlelwane obuqwalaselweyo kufuneka ingafunwa kwimfuza, kodwa nakwingqondo.

Kukho ezinye izichaso, umzekelo, ezinye izifundo zibonisa umdlalo ophantsi wobungqingili kumawele afanayo, kwaye iisampulu ezininzi zezifundo azimele abameli bobufanasini bonke.

Kodwa sibuyele kwisifundo sikaHameri: kusekutsha kakhulu ukuba sigqibe kuye nasiphi na isigqibo malunga nobukho bemeko yemfuzo, kuba, phakathi kwezinye izinto, asazi ukuba le "gene" ye-gene iya kuba khona kubantakwabo abathandana abathandanayo nabobungqingili. Esona sigwebo sibulala kakhulu nguRish, owayephanda ngobuchule kwisampulu ye-Hamer. NgokukaRish, iziphumo zikaHamer zezibalo azange zinike ilungelo lokufikelela kwisigqibo esenziwe nguHamer (Rish et al. 1993).

Ngaphandle kwento yokuba uHamer ngokwakhe wathi uphando "lubonisa" impembelelo yemfuzo, ukanti ubanga "amathuba ezizathu zangaphandle" zobufanasini (Hamer et al. 1993). Ingxaki kukuba "iingcinga" ezinjalo zivakaliswa njengezinokungqinwa.

Kwi-1991, omnye umphandi, uLeVey, uxele kwiphephandaba leSayensi ukuba iziko lengingqi ethile yobuchopho (i-anterior hypothalamus) yabantu abathandana ababhinqileyo kwi-AIDS lalincinci kuneliziko lendawo yobuchopho kwabo basweleka kwisifo esinye. Kwilizwe lezenzululwazi, iingcinga malunga nesiseko se-neurological sokuthandana kwabantu besini esahlukileyo zaqala ukujikelezwa ngenkuthalo.

Kodwa akulunganga ukucinga njalo: uninzi lwamafanasini kunye nabameli beqela lolawulo banobungakanani obulinganayo bendawo, ke le nto ayingonobangela wobufanasini.

Ngapha koko, ukucinga kukaLeVey ukuba le nxalenye yengqondo inoxanduva lokwabelana ngesondo kuvaliwe; wagxekwa ngenxa yendlela yakhe yokuvavanya utyando (Byne and Parsons, 1993).

Ngapha koko. U-LeVey wagweba amanye amafanasini ngenxa yokugula kakhulu kwiengqondo zabo: enyanisweni, uGawulayo uyaziwa ngokutshintsha ubuchwephesha bobuchwephesha kunye nolwakhiwo lweDNA. Okwangoku, u-Byne kunye no-Parsons, kuphononongo lwabo olucokisekileyo ngobufanasini kunye nezinto "zebhayoloji", qaphela ukuba imbali yezonyango yamafanasini ane-AIDS yahlukile kuleyo yamakhoboka eziyobisi, athi, ngokomndilili, asweleke ngokukhawuleza kunamafanasini asulelekileyo kwaye kunokwenzeka ukuba anyangwe kwezinye izifo. -ukuze umahluko kubungakanani balo mmandla wobuchopho unxulunyaniswe nonyango olwahlukileyo kumaqela olingo kunye nolawulo. (Ukusuka kwinto yokuba i-HIV itshintsha ubume be-DNA, ngendlela, kulandela ukuba kwisifundo sikaHamer enye inkcazo inokwenzeka, edibanisa amanqaku emfuza nomsebenzi wentsholongwane).

Kodwa ke masithi kwezinye iindawo zobuchopho zamafanasini kukho into ethile ekhethekileyo. Ngaba kufanelekile ukuba sicinge ukuba iingqondo zabantu abathandana nabantu abathandana nabobufanasini-nabo banendawo "yabo"? Uthini malunga nabaxhaphazi besini esahlukileyo, ama-masochists kunye ne-sadists yeendlela ezahlukeneyo, ababonisi bemiboniso, abahamba ngamehlo, amafanasini kunye nabasetyhini abathandanayo, abesilisa abathandanayo, abesilisa nabasetyhini, ii-zoophile, njl.

Ukusilela kwthiyori yemvelaphi yemvelaphi yokuziphatha ngokwesondo kuqinisekiswa kuphando lokuziphatha. Kuyaziwa, umzekelo, ukuba nakubantu abaneseti engalunganga yee-chromosomes, ukuthanda kwabo ngokwesondo kuxhomekeke kwindima yokwabelana ngesondo abakhuliswe ngayo. Kwaye kwenzeka njani ukuba inyani yokuphinda kuveliswe abantu abathandana besini esifanayo, inokuthi iqinisekiswe iphindaphindwe kwi-psychotherapy, ihambelana nembono yemfuza?

Asinakho ukubekela ecaleni into yokuba kungenzeka ukuba ezinye izinto zobuchopho zitshintshiwe ngenxa yokuziphatha. Kutheni, ke, uLeVey, owathi kuqala ngokuchanekileyo iziphumo zakhe "azivumeli izigqibo zokuzoba," kwenye indawo kwinqaku lakhe kwakhona ubhala ukuba "bathathe" isiseko sebhayoloji (kwaye ngokwendalo, le "ngcinga" yathathwa ngokukhawuleza yimithombo yeendaba engqingili )? Inyani yile yokuba uLeVey ungowesini esifanayo esivulekileyo. Icebo laba "bakhuseli" kukudala umbono wokuba "zikhona izizathu zebhayoloji, kuphela asikazichazi ngqo-kodwa kukho imiqondiso enomdla / ethembisayo." Esi sicwangciso sixhasa umbono wobufanasini. Idlala ezandleni zesangqa esithanda abantu besini esinye, kuba ukuba abezopolitiko kunye nabaphathiswa bezomthetho bakholelwa ukuba isayensi isendleleni yokuqinisekisa ubungqingili, oku kuya kugqithiselwa ngokulula kumhlaba wezomthetho ukukhusela amalungelo awodwa abantu abathandana besisini esinye. Iphephancwadi leSayensi, njengolunye ushicilelo olunobufanasini, ludla ngokuxhasa umbono oqhelekile wobufanasini. Oku kunokuvakala ngendlela umhleli ayichaza ngayo ingxelo kaHamer: "ibonakala inenjongo." "Ewe kunjalo, iseyinde indlela ekusafuneka ihanjwe phambi kokuba kufunyanwe ubungqina obugcweleyo, kodwa ..." Incoko yesiqhelo yabameli bale ngcamango. Egqabaza ngenqaku likaHamer kwileta yakhe, isazi esidumileyo semfuzo saseFrance uNjingalwazi Lejeune (1993) wathetha kabukhali esithi "ukuba olu phononongo aluchaphazeli ubufanasini, belungayi kwamkelwa nokuba lupapashwe ngenxa yendlela enempikiswano enkulu kunye nokungabinangqondo kwamanani."

Yinto elusizi ukuba bambalwa abaphandi abayaziyo ngembali yezenzululwazi ezahlukeneyo ezifunyenwe kwinqanaba lokufunda malunga nobungqingili. Ikamva “lokufunyanwa” kukaSteinach, kwakudala ngaphambi kokuqhambuka kweMfazwe yesibini (II) yeHlabathi lakholelwa ukuba wayenakho ukubonisa utshintsho oluthile kuma-testicles amadoda athandana namanye, kuyakhumbuleka. Ngelo xesha, uninzi lwalusekela izimvo zalo kwisizathu sebhayoloji esichazwe kupapasho lwakhe. Kuphela kuphela iminyaka emininzi kamva, kuye kwacaca ukuba iziphumo azingqiniswanga.

Kwaye ekugqibeleni, kutsha nje kuphando lukaHameri. I-American American Magazine (ngoNovemba 1995, iphe. 26) inika ingxelo ngohlolisiso olupheleleyo olwenziwe nguJ. Ebers, ongakwazanga ukufumana naluphi na unxibelelwano phakathi kobufanasini nokubonisa uhlobo lwe-chromosome.

Iyaxaka into yokuba iimpapasho ezingxamile, ezinjengezo zixutyushwe ngasentla, zingapheleli nje ekukhohliseni uluvo loluntu, kodwa zikwadida abo bantu bafuna le nyaniso kwaye abafuni kuphila ngenkanuko yabo. Ke ngoko, asiyi kukoyiswa ngenkohliso.

Ngaba ubufanasini “bucwangcisiwe” kwiminyaka yokuqala yobomi, kwaye le yinkqubo engenakulungiswa?

Ubungqingili bokuthandana kwabantu besini esinye buqala kwinqanaba lokufikisa kwaye bunxulumene kancinci nobuntwana. Ngexesha leminyaka, ulungiso oluthile lweemvakalelo zobufanasini lwenzeka. Nangona kunjalo, ayilunganga into yokuba isazisi sesele sele simiselwe ebuntwaneni, njengoko abameli bobufanasini, phakathi kwabanye, behlala bebanga njalo. Le ithiyori isetyenziselwa ukuthethelela uluvo olwazisiweyo ebantwaneni kwiiklasi zokufundisa ngesondo: "Kusenokwenzeka ukuba bakhona abanye benu, kwaye oku kungokwemvelo, ke phila ngokuvisisana noku!" Ukudityaniswa kwangaphambi kokuqhelaniswa nokwabelana ngesondo yenye yeekhonsepthi ezithandwayo kwiithiyori ezindala zengqondo, ezithi ngeminyaka emithathu okanye emine ubudala, iimpawu zobuntu ezisisiseko ziyenziwa, kwaye kube kanye.

Ubungqingili, ukuva oku, kuya kuthatha isigqibo sokuba utyekelo lwakhe lwasele luselusana, kuba umama wakhe wayefuna intombazana- kwaye ke yena, inkwenkwe, wala. Ukongeza kwisiseko sobuxoki ngokupheleleyo (imbono yentsana yeyokuqala, akakwazi ukuqonda ukwaliwa kwakhe ngokusekwe kwisini), le ithiyori ivakala ngathi sisivakalisi sexesha elizayo kwaye yomeleza ukuzilinganisa.

Ukuba sithembele ekukhunjuleni komntu ngokwakhe, ngokuqinisekileyo siya kubona ukuba i-neurotization yenzeka ngexesha lokufikisa.

Nangona kunjalo, kwiithiyori zokuphuhliswa kwangoko, kukho inyaniso. Umzekelo, kusenokwenzeka ukuba umama waphila amaphupha wentombi yakhe wakhulisa unyana wakhe ngokufanelekileyo. Isimilo kunye nokuziphatha kwenzeka ngokwenene kwiminyaka yokuqala yobomi, engathethwanga malunga nokuphuhliswa kwenkanuko yobungqingili, okanye malunga nokusekwa kobunzima obuthile bokujongelwa phantsi ngokwesini apho kuvela khona oku.

Inyaniso yokuba ukuthanda ezesondo akulungisiwe ngonaphakade ebuntwaneni kungabonakaliswa ngokufunyanwa kweGundlach kunye neRiesz (1967): xa kufundwa iqela elikhulu lesbians abakhulele kwiintsapho ezinkulu zabantwana abahlanu okanye ngaphezulu, kwafumaniseka ukuba aba bafazi banethuba lokuba ngabantwana abancinci. kusapho. Oku kuphakamisa ukuba ukujika okuqinisekileyo kuphuhliso lobufanasini kwenzeka ngaphambi kwexesha, yithi, yiminyaka emihlanu ukuya kwesixhenxe, kwaye kunokwenzeka kamva, kuba kweli nqanaba intombi le izalwa ikwindawo apho amathuba ayo okuba sesesini nokuba ayanda (ukuba ubuncinci. oobhuti abahlanu kunye noodadewethu), okanye ukuncipha (ukuba bazelwe abahlanu kunye nabantakwabo abancinci). Ngokunjalo, izifundo zamadoda aneentsapho ezazinabantakwabo noodade abangaphezu kwesine zibonisa ukuba, njengomthetho, abantwana abancinci baba ngamafanasini (uVan Lennep et al. 1954).

Ngaphaya koko, phakathi kwabafana abangamabhinqa (uninzi lwabona basemngciphekweni wokuba ngoongqingili ngenxa yesimo sabo sokukhulisa imeko yobudoda), ngaphezulu kweepesenti ze-30 babengenamabono amafanasini kubutsha babo (iGreen 1985), ngelixa i-20 ipesenti yatshintsha kwisini sabo. ezikhethwayo kweli nqanaba lophuhliso (Green 1987). Uninzi lwabantu abathandana besini esinye (ayingabo bonke, ngendlela), babone iimpawu zobufanasini ezizayo ebusheni babo (ukunxiba iimpahla zesini esahlukileyo okanye imidlalo kunye nezinto eziqhelekileyo zesini). Nangona kunjalo, oku akuthethi konke konke ukuba le miqondiso ilungiselela ikamva lobufanasini. Zibonisa kuphela umngcipheko owandileyo, kodwa kungabi nakuphumelela.

Iimpawu zengqondo yobuntwana

Ukuba umphandi ongakhethi cala engenalo nofifi ngemvelaphi yobufanasini kwakufuneka awufundisise lo mbandela, uya kuthi ekugqibeleni afike kwisigqibo sokuba kubalulekile ukuba athathele ingqalelo imeko yengqondo yobuntwana-kukho idatha eyaneleyo yoku. Nangona kunjalo, ngenxa yenkolelo exhaphakileyo yokuba ubufanasini buzelwe, uninzi luyabuza ukuba ukufunda ukukhula kwengqondo ngexesha lobuntwana kunokunceda ekuqondeni ubufanasini. Ngaba kunokwenzeka ukuba uzalwe uyindoda eqhelekileyo kwaye kwangaxeshanye ukhule ububhinqa? Kwaye abalingqingili ngokwabo ababoni iminqweno yabo njengohlobo lwendalo, njengokubonisa "okwenyani"? Ngaba bakufumanisa kuyinto engeyiyo eyendalo ukucinga ukuba banokuziva besabelana ngesondo?

Kodwa ukubonakala kuyakhohlisa. Okokuqala, umntu obhinqileyo ayithethi ukuba ulifanasini. Ngapha koko, ubufazi kukuziphatha okufunyanwa ngokufunda. Ngokwesiqhelo, asazi malunga neendlela zokuziphatha ezithile, ukhetho kunye nesimo sengqondo esinokufundwa ngaso. Oku kwenzeka ikakhulu ngokulinganisa. Singayiqonda imvelaphi yomngeneleli ngoncuthu lwentetho yakhe, ukubiza amagama, ngezimbo zomzimba kunye nentshukumo yakhe. Unokwazi ukwahlula ngokulula amalungu osapho olunye ngokweempawu zabo ngokubanzi, isimilo, uburharha babo obukhethekileyo, -kwiimeko ezininzi zokuziphatha ezingacacanga. Ukuthetha ngobufazi, sinokuqaphela ukuba amakhwenkwe kumazwe akumazantsi eYurophu akhuliswa ubukhulu becala ethambile, omnye usenokuthi, "ubufazi" ngaphezulu kunasemantla. Iyabacaphukisa abafana abasuka kumazwe akumantla xa bebona ulutsha lwaseSpain okanye lwase-Italiya lukama iinwele zabo echibini lokuqubha, bejonge esipilini ixesha elide, benxibe amaso, njlnjl., Oonyana babasebenzi banamandla kwaye bomelele, "banesibindi" oonyana babantu bomsebenzi wobukrelekrele, iimvumi, okanye iingcungcu, njengoko kwakunjalo ngaphambili. Ezokugqibela zingumzekelo wokuntsonkotha, funda "ubufazi".

Ngaba inkwenkwe, ekhuliswe ngaphandle koyise ngunina eyayimphethe "njengentombi" yayo, iya kukhula ibe yinkwenkwe ekhaliphileyo? Uhlalutyo lubonisa ukuba uninzi lwabasetyhini abathandana besini esinye babexhomekeke kakhulu kunina xa utata wayengekho ngokwasemzimbeni okanye ngokwasemoyeni (umzekelo, ukuba utata ngumntu obuthathaka ngenxa yempembelelo yomfazi wakhe, okanye ukuba akayifezekisanga indima yakhe njengotata kubudlelwane bakhe nonyana wakhe).

Umfanekiso womama otshabalalisa ubudoda bonyana wakhe unezinto ezininzi. Lo ngumama okhathalayo kwaye ukhusela kakhulu oxhalabileyo ngempilo yonyana wakhe. Lo ngumama ophambili, owamisela indima yekhoboka okanye umhlobo osenyongweni kunyana wakhe. Umama onomdla okanye ozibonisayo ongaboniyo unyana wakhe intombi angathanda ukuba nayo (umzekelo, emva kokusweleka kwentombi yakhe, eyazalwa ngaphambi konyana wayo). Umfazi owaba ngumama ebudaleni, kuba wayengakwazi ukuba nabantwana xa esemncinci. Umakhulu okhulisa inkwenkwe eyashiywa ngunina, kwaye uqinisekile ukuba ufuna ukhuseleko. Umama omncinci ohambisa unyana wakhe ngakumbi kunodoli kunenkwenkwe ephilayo. Umama okhathalela umntwana ophatha unyana wakhe njengomntwana ongenakuzinceda nonothando. Njl. Njengomthetho, ebuntwaneni bobufanasini, izinto ezinjalo zinokuchongwa ngokulula, ke akukho mfuneko yokuba ubhenele kwilifa ukuze uchaze indlela yokuziphatha kwabasetyhini.

Omnye obhinqileyo obhinqileyo, owayehamba nomama wakhe kwizilwanyana zasekhaya, ngelixa umntakwabo "wayengunyana kabawo", wandixelela ukuba umama uhlala emnika indima yokuba "sisicaka" sakhe, inkwenkwe yephepha. Wabhala iinwele zakhe, wanceda ukukhetha ilokhwe evenkileni, njl.njl.kuba ilizwe lamadoda lalivaliwe kuye okanye kancinci ngenxa yokungabinamdla kukayise, ilizwe likanina noomakazi bakhe laba lihlabathi lakhe eliqhelekileyo. Kungenxa yoko le nto ithuku lokulingisa lajoliswa kubantu basetyhini abadala. Umzekelo, wafumanisa ukuba angabalinganisa ngezinto ezimfakamfele, ezibonwabisayo.

Njengomthetho, imodeli yokulinganisa yenkwenkwe emva kweminyaka emithathu yobudala iya ngokuzenzekelayo kwiimodeli zamadoda: utata, abantakwabo, oomalume, ootitshala, kwaye ngexesha lokufikisa, uzikhethela amaqhawe amatsha kwihlabathi lamadoda. Kumantombazana, esi silwanyana sibhekiswa kwiimodeli zabasetyhini. Ukuba sithetha malunga neempawu zangaphakathi ezihambelana nokunxibelelana ngesondo, ke eli linge lokulinganisa lilungile kule ndima. Nangona kunjalo, abanye abafana baxelisa abameli besini esahlukileyo, kwaye oku kungenxa yezi zinto zimbini: bayanyanzeliswa indima yesini esahlukileyo, kwaye abanamtsalane ekuxeliseni utata, abantakwabo namanye amadoda. Ukwahlula kwicala lesikhokelo sendalo yokulinganisa kungenxa yokuba abameli besini sabo benganxibanga ngokwaneleyo, ngelixa ukuxelisa abalingani besini esahlukileyo kuzisa izibonelelo ezithile.

Kwimeko esandula ukuyichaza, inkwenkwe yaziva yonwabile kwaye ikhuselekile enkosi kuqwalaselo nakukunconywa kukanina noomakazi - ngokungabikho kwakhe, kwabonakala kuye, njengelithuba lokungena kwihlabathi lomntakwabo notata wakhe. Iimpawu "zonyana kamama" ziphuhlisiwe kuye; waba krwada, wazama ukukholisa wonke umntu, ngakumbi abantu abadala ababhinqileyo; Njengonina, waba nemvakalelo, wabuthathaka kwaye waba nenqala, wayehlala ekhala, kwaye akhumbuze oomakazi bakhe ngendlela yokuthetha.

Kubalulekile ukuba uqaphele ukuba ubumfazi bamadoda anjalo bufana nendlela "yenenekazi elidala"; kwaye nangona le ndima inengcambu enzulu, yinto nje yobufazi. Asijonganga kuphela nokubaleka ekuziphatheni kwamadoda ngenxa yokoyika ukusilela, kodwa kunye nefom yokukhangela okunganyanisekanga kwengqwalaselo, ulonwabo lwamabhinqa abalulekileyo avakalisa inzondelelo malunga noku. Oku kubizwa kakhulu kubantu be-transgender kunye nabesilisa abadlala iindima zabasetyhini.

Ukulimala kunye neendlela zokuziphatha

Alithandabuzeki elokuba into eyenzakalisayo idlala indima enkulu ekwakhiweni kwengqondo kubufanasini (ngakumbi ngokubhekisele kulungelelwaniso kumalungu esini esifanayo, bona ngezantsi). "Iphepha" endisandula ukuthetha ngalo, ewe, lakhumbula ukunxanelwa kwakhe ingqalelo katata wakhe, ngokokubona kwakhe, wafunyanwa kuphela ngunyana omnye. Kodwa imikhwa yakhe kunye nezinto anomdla kuzo azinakuchazwa kuphela kukubaleka kwihlabathi labantu. Sihlala sijonga ukuhlangana kwezinto ezimbini: ukwakhiwa komkhwa ongalunganga kunye noxinzelelo (imvakalelo yokungabinakho ukubakho kwabameli besini esinye emhlabeni). Kuyimfuneko ukugxininisa le nto yomkhwa, ukongeza kwinto edandathekisayo, kuba unyango olusebenzayo akufuneki lujolise kuphela ekuzilungiseni iziphumo zesifo esibuhlungu, kodwa nasekutshintsheni imikhwa efunyenweyo engeyonxalenye yesini. Ngapha koko, ukuhoya kakhulu ukuba nomothuko kunokwandisa utyekelo lokuzibandakanyeka kumntu wesini esahlukileyo, kwaye ngenxa yoko, uya kugxeka umzali kuphela ngesini sakhe. Kodwa, umzekelo, akekho utata omnye 'onetyala' lokunganikeli ngqalelo eyaneleyo kunyana wakhe. Ngokwesiqhelo ootata abathandana nabantu ababhinqileyo bayakhalaza ukuba abafazi babo bangabanikazi benhlonipho ngoonyana babo ukuba akukho gumbi. Ewe, abazali abaninzi abangamafanasini baneengxaki emtshatweni.

Ngokumalunga nokuziphatha kobufazi kwamadoda athandana namanye kunye nokuziphatha kobudoda kwabantu abathandana nabanye, ukuqaphela kweklinikhi kubonisa ukuba uninzi lwabo lukhuliswe kwindima ezohluke kakhulu kunabanye babantwana besini esifanayo. Inyani yokuba kamva baqala ukulandela le ndima ihlala isisiphumo ngqo sokungabikho kwemvume evela kumzali wesini esifanayo. Isimo sengqondo sabaninzi (kodwa ayingabo bonke!) Oomama abangamadoda abathandanayo kukuba ababoni oonyana babo "njengamadoda okwenyani" - kwaye ungabaphathi njengabo. Kananjalo, abanye ootata abathandana nabathandana nabathandana namanye, nangona bengaphantsi, abaziboni iintombi zabo "njengamantombazana okwenyani" kwaye ungabaphathi njengabo, kodwa ubaphathe njengabahlobo babo okanye nonyana wabo.

Kufuneka iqatshelwe ukuba indima yomzali wesini esahlukileyo ayibalulekanga kangako kunaleyo yomzali wesini esifanayo. Amadoda amaninzi angamafanasini, umzekelo, abe nokuzikhusela ngokugqithiseleyo, ukungazinzi, ukuxhalaba, oomama abaphezulu, okanye oomama abathandayo kwaye babathande kakhulu. Unyana wakhe "uyinkwenkwe elungileyo," "inkwenkwe ethobelayo," "inkwenkwe eqhuba kakuhle," kwaye uhlala eyinkwenkwe edodobele ekukhuleni kwengqondo kwaye ihlala "ingumntwana" ixesha elide. Kwixesha elizayo, indoda engqingili enjalo ihlala "ingunyana kanina." Kodwa oyena mama ubalaseleyo, obona inkwenkwe yakhe ibe yindoda "yokwenyani" kwaye efuna ukwenza indoda ngaye, soze akhulise "unyana kamama." Kuyafana nakubudlelwane phakathi kukabawo nentombi. Oyena mama ubalaseleyo (okhuselayo ogqithisileyo, oxhalabileyo, njl. Njl.), Ongaziyo ukuba angayenza njani indoda ngaphandle kwenkwenkwe, ngokungakhathali unegalelo ekugqwethweni kobume bakhe bengqondo. Rhoqo, akacingi ukuba angayenza njani indoda ngaphandle kwenkwenkwe, ngaphandle kokuba nomzekelo omhle kusapho lwakhe. Ufuna ukumenza inkwenkwe eziphatha kakuhle, okanye ambophele kuye ukuba ulilolo kwaye akakwazi ukuzikhusela (njengomama omnye owathatha unyana wakhe wayokulala naye de wafikelela kwiminyaka elishumi elinambini).

Ngamafutshane, isifundo sobufanasini sibonisa ukubaluleka kokuqinisekisa ukuba abazali banezimvo ezivakalayo malunga nobudoda kunye nobufazi. Kwiimeko ezininzi, nangona kunjalo, ukudityaniswa kweembono zabazali bobabini kubeka inqanaba lokuphuhliswa kobufanasini (van den Aardweg, 1984).

Omnye unokubuza, ngaba iimpawu zesetyhini zendoda yesini esifanayo kunye ne-lesbians yesilisa ziyimfuneko ephambili yokuvela kobungqingili? Kwiimeko ezininzi, amakhwenkwe angaphambi kokuba abungqingili ngokwenene angaphezulu okanye angabesetyhini. Kananjalo, uninzi (kodwa ayingabo bonke) amantombazana angaphambi kobufanasini anezinto ezingaphezulu okanye eziphantsi ezichaziweyo zobudoda. Nangona kunjalo, ayisiyiyo le "ubufazi" okanye le "masculinity" enokuthiwa ichaze. Into, njengoko siza kubona kamva, kukuziqonda komntwana. Nokuba iimeko ziqhubela phambili ekuziphatheni kwabasetyhini kubafana, ebizwa ngokuba "yi-boy-boy syndrome," kuphela abantwana be-2 / 3 baphuhlisa uluvo lobufanasini lokufikisa, kwaye abanye bakhululwa kubufazi obubonakalayo, baba ngabantu abadala (Green, 1985, 1987). Ngendlela, esi siphumo sihambelana nombono wokuba kwiimeko ezininzi ukulungiswa kobufanasini kwenzeka zombini ngexesha lokufikisa nangaphakathi kwalo, kodwa hayi ebuntwaneni.

Iimeko ezixhaphakileyo

Ngaphandle kwento yokuba amava omntwana aqhelekileyo kubantwana abaninzi abathandana besini esahlukileyo yayilwalamano olubi nomzali wesini sabo, elalihlala lihamba kunye nobudlelwane obungenampilo kunye nomzali wesini esahlukileyo (ngakumbi phakathi kwamadoda athandanayo), oku akunakubizwa ngokuba yinto eqhelekileyo. Abanye abantu abathandana besini esifanayo babenolwalamano oluhle noyise, babeziva ukuba bayathandwa kwaye baxatyisiwe; Kanye njengokuba abanye abathandana nabathi babenolwalamano oluhle noomama babo (uHoward, 1991, 83). Kodwa olo lwalamano luhle ngaphandle kwemeko lungadlala indima kuphuhliso lobufanasini.

Umzekelo, ubufanasini oselula, ubufazi kancinci kwisimilo, wakhuliswa ngutata onothando noqondayo. Ukhumbula ukungxama ukugoduka emva kwesikolo, apho waziva enyanzelekile kwaye engakwazi ukunxibelelana noontanga (isigqibo esisisigqibo!). "Ikhaya" lakhe yayiyindawo apho angayi kuba khona kunina, njengoko kunokulindelwa, kodwa kuyise, awayehamba naye kwizilwanyana zasekhaya kwaye waziva ekhuselekile naye. Utata wakhe wayengenguye uhlobo olubuthathaka esisele siqhelene nalo, awayengafuni "ukuzazisa" ngaye - ngokuchaseneyo. Ngumama wakhe owayebuthathaka kwaye enamahloni kwaye engadlalanga ndima ibalulekileyo ebuntwaneni bakhe. Utata wakhe wayekhaliphile kwaye ezimisele, kwaye wayemthanda. Isigqibo esigqibeleleyo kulwalamano lwabo yayikukuba utata wakhe wamnika indima yamantombazana kunye nosisi, engakwazi ukuzikhusela kweli hlabathi. Uyise wayemlawula ngendlela enobuhlobo, ke babesondele ngokwenene. Isimo sengqondo sikayise kuye sidalwe kuye, okanye sanegalelo ekudalweni, kwesimo sengqondo esinjalo kuye, apho azibona engenakuzikhusela kwaye engenakuzenzela nto, kwaye engomelelanga kwaye omelele. Njengomntu omdala, wayesaya kubahlobo bakayise ukuba bamxhase. Nangona kunjalo, umdla wakhe onomdla ujolise kubafana abancinci kunabantu abadala, ooyise, iintlobo zamadoda.

Omnye umzekelo. Indoda efanelana nendoda ngokupheleleyo eneminyaka engamashumi amane anesihlanu ayinakubamba unobangela wengxaki kubudlelwane bakhe nobuntwana noyise. Uyise wayehlala engumhlobo wakhe, eqeqesha abantu kwezemidlalo kunye nokuba ngumzekelo olungileyo wobudoda emsebenzini kunye nobudlelwane boluntu. Kutheni ke engakhange azichaze ngobume bukayise? Ingxaki yonke iku mama. Wayengumfazi onekratshi, engazange aneliseke yimeko yentlalo yomyeni wakhe. Ufundwe kakhulu kwaye uvela kwindawo yokuhlala ephezulu kunaye (wayengumsebenzi), wayehlala emthoba isidima ngentetho yakhe egculelayo kunye nokuthuka. Unyana wayesoloko ezisola kuyise. Wazichonga naye, kodwa hayi ngokuziphatha, kuba umama wakhe wamfundisa ukwahluka. Kuba eyintandokazi yamanina, kwafuneka enze ezo zinto zokuphoxeka kumyeni wakhe. Ayikaze ikhuthaze iimpawu zobudoda, ngaphandle kwalezo ezinceda ukufezekiswa koluntu. Kwakufuneka icocwe kwaye ibalasele. Ngaphandle kolwalamano olusempilweni notata wakhe, wayehlala eneentloni ngobudoda bakhe. Ndicinga ukuba ukudelela kukanina ngotata kunye nokungahloniphi kwakhe ngendima katata negunya lakhe kwaba sesona sizathu siphambili sonyana sokungazingci kwamadoda.

Olu hlobo lobudlelwane bomama lubonwa "njengoluthengelayo" ubudoda benkwenkwe, kwaye sinokuvumelana noku - ngesizathu sokuba oko akuthethi umnqweno wokoqobo ka-Freudian wokuba umama anqumle ilungu lobudoda lwenyoka yakhe okanye lonyana wakhe. Ngokukwanjalo, utata ohlaza umfazi wakhe phambi kwabantwana uyayonakalisa imbeko yabo kulo mfazi. Ukungahloniphi kwakhe isini sabasetyhini kunokubangelwa yintombi yakhe. Ngeendlela zabo zokuziphatha ezingalunganga kwabasetyhini, ootata banako ukufaka kwiintombi zabo isimo esibi kubo kunye nokwala ubufazi bakhe. Ngokukwanjalo, oomama, abanesimo sengqondo esibi kwindima yendoda yendoda okanye kumadoda ngokubanzi, banokubangela ukuba oonyana babo babe nembono engalunganga ngobudoda babo.

Kukho amadoda atyekele kubufanasini athe aziva eluthandweni lukayise ebuntwaneni, kodwa aswela ukhuseleko looyise. Omnye utata, ejongene nobunzima bobomi, wafuna inkxaso kunyana wakhe, eyayibonwa njengomthwalo onzima, kuba yena ngokwakhe wayefuna inkxaso kutata owomeleleyo. Abazali nabantwana batshintsha indawo kwiimeko ezinjalo, njengakwimeko yesini lesbian abo banyanzelwa ukuba badlale indima yokuba ngoomama koomama. Kobu budlelwane, intombazana ivakalelwa kukuba ayinako ukuthatha inxaxheba koomama kwiingxaki zayo eziqhelekileyo kunye nokomeleza ukuzithemba kwabo njengabafazi, nto leyo ebaluleke kakhulu ngexesha lokufikisa.

Eminye imibandela: ubudlelwane boontanga

Sinamanani aqinisekisayo kubudlelwane ebuntwaneni bamafanasini nabazali babo. Kuye kwaqinisekiswa kaninzi ukuba, ukongeza kubudlelwane obungenampilo kunye nomama, amadoda athandana namanye amadoda ayenolwalamano olubi notata wawo, kwaye abathandana nabo babenolwalamano olubi kakhulu nomama wabo kunabafazi abathandanayo nabesini esahlukileyo. Kwangelo xesha, kufuneka kukhunjulwe ukuba izinto zobuzali kunye nezemfundo zilungiselela kuphela, zilungile, kodwa azithathi isigqibo. Oyena nobangela wokugqibela wobufanasini emadodeni ayisiyiyo yokunamathela kunina okanye ukwaliwa ngutata, nokuba buninzi kangakanani ubungqina bezi meko kwizifundo zezigulana zobuntwana. I-Lesbianism ayisosiphumo ngqo sokuziva ungamkelwa ngumama, ngaphandle kokuphindaphindeka kwale nto ebuntwaneni. (Oku kulula ukubona ukuba ucinga ngabantu abaninzi abathandanayo abatshatileyo, abathi ebuntwaneni, bakha balahlwa okanye bashiywa ngabazali babo besini esifanayo. Phakathi kwabaphuli-mthetho kunye nolwaphulo-mthetho lwabantwana, ungafumana uninzi lwabantu abaye bahlupheka ngenxa yezo meko, kunye naphakathi kwabesini esahlukileyo.)

Ke, ubufanasini abunxulumene nobudlelwane bomntwana noyise okanye umntwana kunye nonina, kodwa bubudlelwane noontanga. (Kwiitheyibhile zamanani ovavanyo kunye nokujonga kwakhona ubone i-van den Aardweg, 1986, 78, 80; Nicolosi, 1991, 63). Ngelishwa, impembelelo yendlela yesiko kwi-psychoanalyst nomtsalane wayo okhethekileyo kubudlelwane phakathi kwabazali nomntwana isesekude kakhulu kangangokuba bambalwa abakholelwa kuyo le datha yenjongo.

Kwelinye icala, ubudlelwane boontanga bunokuchaphazela ngokubaluleka eyona nto ibalulekileyo: umbono wokufikisa ngobudoda bakhe okanye ubufazi. Ukuzibona kwentombazana, umzekelo, ukongeza kwizinto ezinjengokungazithembi kubudlelwane bayo nomama wayo, ukugqithisa okanye ukungahoyi ngokwaneleyo kukayise, nako kunokuchatshazelwa kukugculelwa ngoontanga, iimvakalelo zokuthotywa kubudlelwane nezalamane, ubuhlazo, "ububi" -oko kukuthi, uluvo lwakho kubi kwaye kungathandeki emehlweni amakhwenkwe ngexesha lokufikisa, okanye ukuthelekiswa ngamalungu osapho ngabantu besini esahlukileyo ("nonke nikumalume wenu"). Amava amabi anjalo anokukhokelela kwisakhiwo, esixoxwa ngezantsi.

Ubuncinci bokungaphantsi komntu obhinqileyo

“Imbono yaseMelika ngobudoda! Kukho izinto ezimbalwa kuphela phantsi kwezulu ekunzima ukuziqonda, okanye, xa ndandisemncinci, kunzima ngakumbi ukuxolela. " Ngala magama, ubufanasini omnyama nombhali uJames Baldwin (1985, 678) wavakalisa imvakalelo yokungoneliseki ngaye kuba wayezibona esilele ngenxa yokuswela ubudoda. Wayeyicekisa into angayiqondiyo. Ndaziva ndilixhoba lobudoda obunobundlobongela, umntu okhutshiweyo-ophantsi, ngelizwi. Umbono wakhe "wobudoda baseMelika" wagqwethwa lolu dano. Ewe kunjalo, kukho iindlela ezibaxiweyo - indlela yokuziphatha kwamehlo okanye "inkohlakalo" phakathi kwezaphuli-mthetho ezinokuthi zibonwe njengezobudoda "bokwenene" ngabantu abangafezekanga. Kodwa kukwakhona inkalipho eyindoda esempilweni, kunye nobuchule kwezemidlalo, kunye nokhuphiswano, unyamezelo-iimpawu ezichasene nobuthathaka, ukuzanelisa ngokwakho, isimilo "sexhegwazana" okanye ubufazi. Njengomntu ofikisayo, uBaldwin waziva eswelekile kwezi zinto zilungileyo zobudoda kunye noontanga, mhlawumbi kwisikolo samabanga aphakamileyo, ngexesha lokufikisa:

"Bendijolise ekuhlekisweni ... Imfundo yam kunye nobuncinane bam bandichasa. Kwaye ndibandezelekile. " Wayehlekiswa "ngamehlo ezinambuzane" kunye "nentombazana", kodwa wayengazi ukuba angazimela njani. Uyise wayengenakukwazi ukumxhasa, ekubeni naye engumntu obuthathaka. UBaldwin wakhuliswa ngumama wakhe kunye nomakhulu wakhe, kwaye kwakungekho nto yindoda ebomini balo mntwana okhulileyo. Ingqondo yakhe yokuba kude kwihlabathi labantu iye yaqina xa esiva ukuba utata wakhe ngutata wakhe wesibini. Umbono wakhe ngobomi unokuboniswa ngala mazwi: "Bonke abantu, banesibindi ngakumbi kunam, bachasene nam." Igama lakhe lesidlaliso "baba" lithetha nje ngale nto: hayi ukuba wayeyintombazana ngokwenene, kodwa indoda engeyiyo, indoda engaphantsi. Iphantse yathetha ngokufana ngegama elithi "ubuthathaka", whiny, njengentombazana, engalwiyo, kodwa ebalekayo. U-Baldwin angabeka ityala lobudoda "baseMelika" ngala mava, kodwa amafanasini kwihlabathi lonke agxeka ubudoda beenkcubeko ahlala kuzo kuba zihlala ziziva ziphantsi kule meko. Kweso sizathu sinye, abathandana nabathandanayo bayayicekisa into abathi, ngamava amabi, babone ngokungafanelekanga “njengobufazi obumiselweyo”: “iilokhwe, isidingo sokuba nomdla kuphela kumakhaya emihla ngemihla, ukuba yintombazana entle, entle,” njengokuba isitsho isini esinye samaDatshi. Ukuziva ungaphantsi kobudoda okanye ubufazi kumabhinqa kunabanye yinto ethile yokuthotywa kwabantu abathandana nabantu abathandana besisini esinye.

Ngokokwenyani, ulutsha lwangaphambi kobungqingili aluzive “zahlukile” (funda: “ungaphantsi”), kodwa bahlala bengaziphathi ngesibindi (isetyhini) kunabalingane babo kwaye banomdla ongafaniyo nobuni babo. Imikhwa yabo okanye iimpawu zobuntu zi-atypical ngenxa yokukhuliswa okanye ulwalamano nabazali. Kubonakaliswe kaninzi ukuba ukungaphuhliseki kweempawu zobudoda ebuntwaneni nasebusheni, kubonakaliswe kukoyika ukwenzakala emzimbeni, ukungazithembi, ukungavumi ukuthatha inxaxheba kwimidlalo ayithandayo yawo onke amakhwenkwe (ibhola ekhatywayo eYurophu naseLatin America, baseball e-USA) yeyona nto ibalulekileyo nebalulekileyo. ehambelana nobufanasini besilisa. Inzala yamaLesini "ababhinqileyo" kunamanye amantombazana (jonga Izibalo ze van van Aardweg, 1986). UHockenberry noBillingham (1987) bagqiba ngokuchanekileyo ukuba "kukungabikho kweempawu zobudoda, hayi ubukho bababhinqileyo, eyona nto inefuthe ekusekweni kobufanasini (indoda) yexesha elizayo." Inkwenkwe ebomini bakhe utata wakhe wayengekho, kunye nefuthe lakhe lobufazi yayinamandla kakhulu, ayinakukhulisa ubudoda. Lo mgaqo, kunye nokwahluka okuthile, uyasebenza ebomini uninzi lwamadoda athandanayo. Luphawu lokuba ebuntwaneni zange baphuphe ngokuba ngamapolisa, abangazange bathathe inxaxheba kwimidlalo yamakhwenkwe, babengacingi ukuba ziimbaleki ezaziwayo, babengawathandi amabali e-adventure, njl. (IHockenberry kunye neBillham, ngo-1987). Ngenxa yoko, baziva bejongelwe phantsi phakathi koontanga babo. I-Lesbians ebuntwaneni baziva buphantsi kwesiqhelo njengobufazi babo. Oku kukwaqhutywa yimvakalelo yobubi bomntu, oqondakalayo. Kwithuba elingaphambi kokufikisa, kwaye ngeli xesha ngokwalo, umntu ofikisayo uphuhlisa umbono wakhe, wokuma kwakhe phakathi koontanga- ngaba ndingowabo? Ukuzithelekisa nabanye ngaphezu kwayo nayiphi na enye into imisela umbono wakhe weempawu zesini. Omnye umntu oselula onobufanasini waqhayisa ngokuba engazange akhe azive ephantsi, ukuba umbono wakhe ngobomi uhlala uvuya. Ekuphela kwento, ngokoluvo lwakhe, eyayimkhathaza - yayikukukhatywa koqhelwaniso noluntu. Emva kokucingisisa, waqinisekisa ukuba wayephila ubomi bokungakhathali ebuntwaneni kwaye waziva ekhuselekile bobabini abazali (abamkhathaleleyo kakhulu), kodwa ngaphambi kwangaphambi kokuba umntwana afikise ebuntwaneni. Wayenabahlobo abathathu awayebahlobo kunye nabo kwasebusaneni. Ekukhuleni kwakhe, waziva ngokwakhe ngakumbi nangokwahlukileyo kubo, kuba babanda ngakumbi kunaye. Umdla wabo uphuhle kwicala lezemidlalo enoburharha, iincoko zabo bezimalunga nezihloko "zobudoda" - amantombazana kunye nemidlalo, kwaye ebengenako ukuhambisana nazo. Wazama ukubalwa naye, edlala indima yokuba ngumntu odlamkileyo, okwaziyo ukwenza nabani na ahleke, ukuze azitsalele ingqalelo kuye.

Apha kulapho eyona nto ibalulekileyo ilele kuyo: waziva eyindoda ngokungafanelekanga xa ekunye nabahlobo bakhe. Ekhaya wayekhuselekile, wakhuliswa njengenkwenkwe "ethuleyo" ene "modeli yokuziphatha", umama wakhe wayehlala enebhongo ngehambo yakhe entle. Akazange aphikise; "Kufuneka uhlale ugcina uxolo" yayingcebiso ayithandayo kunina. Kamva waqonda ukuba woyika kakhulu ungquzulwano. Umoya apho kwenziwa khona uxolo kunye nokuthantamisa kwaba "nobuhlobo" kwaye azange zivumele iimvakalelo ezingathandekiyo zibonise.

Esinye isitabane sikhule nomama owayecaphukela yonke into eyayibonakala ngathi "inochuku" kuye. Akazange amvumele "izinto ezinoburharha" ezinje ngamajoni, izithuthi zomkhosi okanye amatanki; iqhoboshele ukubaluleka ngokukodwa kwiingozi ezohlukeneyo ekuthiwa zamkhapha kuyo yonke indawo; wayenombono othile ongathandekiyo wonqulo. Akumangalisi ukuba unyana weli bhinqa lihlwempuzekileyo, elingenasiphelo yena ngokwakhe wakhula ngovakalelo, exhomekeke, esoyika kwaye enentliziyo encinci. Wayehluthwe ukunxibelelana namanye amakhwenkwe, kwaye wayenokunxibelelana kuphela nomnye okanye amabini amaqabane aneentloni, abantu abangaphandle njengaye. Ngaphandle kokungena nzulu kuhlalutyo lweminqweno yakhe yobufanasini, siyaqaphela ukuba waqala ukutsalwa "lihlabathi eliyingozi kodwa elonwabisayo" lomkhosi, awayehlala embona eshiya inkampu ekufutshane. La yayingamadoda omeleleyo ahlala kwilizwe abangaqhelananga, nelonwabisayo. Inyaniso yokuba wayenomdla kubo iyathetha, phakathi kwezinye izinto, ngeendlela zakhe eziqhelekileyo zendoda. Wonke umfana ufuna ukuba yindoda, yonke intombazana ifuna ukuba ngumfazi, kwaye oku kubaluleke kakhulu kangangokuba xa besiva ukungafaneleki kwabo kule ndawo ibaluleke kakhulu ebomini, baqala ukwenza isithixo sobudoda kunye nobufazi bomnye umntu.

Ukucaca, sizahlulahlula amanqanaba amabini ahlukeneyo kuphuhliso lweemvakalelo zobufanasini. Eyokuqala kukwenziwa kwemikhwa "yesini esahlukileyo" kwimidla kunye nokuziphatha, okwesibini kukuntsokotha kwendoda / kwabasetyhini (okanye ubunzima bokujongwa ngokwesini), ekunokuthi, kodwa kunganyanzelekanga, kuvele ngokwala mikhwa. Emva kwayo yonke loo nto, nangona kunjalo, kukho amakhwenkwe amantombazana kunye namantombazana angamadoda angaze abe ngamadoda athandana namanye amadoda.

Ngapha koko, ubunzima bokuthotyelwa kwamadoda / ababhinqileyo kuhlala kungabumbi ngokupheleleyo, nokuba kungaphambi okanye ngexesha lokufikisa. Umntwana unokubonisa iimpawu zesini esahlukileyo nakumabanga asezantsi esikolo, kwaye, ekhumbula oku, umntu olifanasini angakutolika oku njengobungqina bokuba ebehleli enjalo - nangona kunjalo, olu luvo aluchanekanga. Akwenzeki ukuba uthethe "ngobufanasini" de ubuso butyhile umbono ozinzileyo wokungoneliseki kukabani njengendoda okanye ibhinqa (inkwenkwe okanye intombazana), kudityaniswa nokuzilingisa (jonga ngezantsi) kunye neengcinga zabantu abathandanayo. Le fom ikhazimla ngexesha lokufikisa, kunqabile ngaphambili. Kukwixesha lokufikisa apho uninzi luhamba khona kwikhondo lobomi ekuthethwa ngalo kakhulu kwiithiyori zophuhliso lokuqonda. Phambi kokuba kwinqanaba lokufikisa, njengoko uninzi lwamafanasini lungqina, ubomi bubonakala bulula kwaye bonwabile. Emva koko isibhakabhaka sangaphakathi sigutyungelwe ngamafu ixesha elide.

Amakhwenkwe angaphambi kobufanasini ahlala enesidima kakhulu, ethambile, esoyika, ebuthathaka, ngelixa amantombazana angaphambi kobufanasini enobundlongondlongo, enamandla, "asendle" okanye azimeleyo. Nje ukuba aba bantwana bafikelele kwinqanaba lokufikisa, ezi mpawu, ikakhulu ngenxa yendima abayifundisiweyo (umzekelo, "ubonakala eyinkwenkwe"), emva koko banegalelo kuphuhliso lokungaziphathi ngokwesini kubo xa bezithelekisa nolunye ulutsha lwesini esifanayo. Kwangelo xesha, inkwenkwe engabuva ubudoda kuye ayichongi kunye nayo, kwaye intombazana engabuva ubufazi bayo ayinabuganga bokuzazisa ngobume bayo bobufazi. Umntu uzama ukukuphepha oko uziva engaphantsi. Nangona kunjalo, akunakuthethwa malunga nentombazana ekwishumi elivisayo engathandiyo ukudlala ngoonodoli okanye ngokubanzi ukuphepha iindima zabasetyhini, ukuba inomdla wobungqingili. Ngubani ofuna ukukholisa abantu abancinci ukuba ubufanasini babo sisiphelo esichaziweyo, ubeka ingozi yokufa ezingqondweni zabo kwaye wenza ukungabikho kokusesikweni okukhulu!

Ukugqibezela umfanekiso wezinto ezibangela ukukhula kobunzima besini, siyaqaphela ukuba ukuzithelekisa nezalamane zesini esifanayo kungadlala indima ebalulekileyo koku. Kwiimeko ezinjalo, inkwenkwe "yintombazana" phakathi kwabantakwabo, kwaye intombazana "yinkwenkwe" phakathi koodade. Ngaphezu koko, ukuqonda kwakho njengesiqhelo kuqhelekile. Inkwenkwe icinga ukuba ubuso bayo buhle kakhulu okanye "buyintombazana", okanye ibuthathaka, ayilunganga, njlnjl. Kanye njengoko intombazana icinga ukuba ubume bayo abubobufazi, ukuba abonwabanga, okanye iintshukumo zayo azithandeki, njl.

Ukuziqhelanisa nokwenziwa kobunzima bokujongela phantsi

Ubufanasini abuyonyani ngokupheleleyo ngenxa yokophula umthetho okanye ukunqongophala kobudlelwane nomzali wesini esifanayo kunye / okanye ukunamathela kakhulu kumzali wesini esahlukileyo, kungajongwana nobuninzi beemeko zobudlelwane bokwenyani. Okokuqala, ubudlelwane obunjalo buhlala bujongwa kwimbali ye-pedophiles kunye nezinye i-neurotic zesondo (Mor et al., 1964, 6i, 140). Ngapha koko, abantu abaninzi abathandana besini esahlukileyo babenolwalamano olufanayo nabazali babo. Okwesibini, njengoko sele kukhankanyiwe apha ngasentla, indlela yokuziphatha ngokwesini kunye neminqweno ayikhokeleli kubufanasini.

Nangona kunjalo, ubunzima bokujongwa kwesini bunokuthatha iindlela ezininzi, kwaye iminqweno eveliswe yiyo ayinakujoliswa kuphela kumalungu amancinci okanye amadala esini esifanayo, kodwa nakubantwana besini esifanayo (i-pedophilia yesini esifanayo), kwaye nakumalungu esini esahlukileyo. Umthandi wasetyhini, umzekelo, uhlala engumntu ophethwe yenye yeendlela zokuthotyelwa kwesini. Isigqibo esinqumayo sokuthandana kwabantu besini esinye yinto emnandi. Kwaye iifantasy zenziwe kukuzijonga ngokwakho, umbono wabanye (ngokweempawu zesini), kunye neziganeko ezingahleliwe njengokuchaza abafowunelwa ekuhlaleni kunye nokubonakala komntu ofikisayo. Ubunzima bokujongwa kwesini lilitye lokunyathela kwiminqweno emininzi yesondo eveliswe kukukhathazeka.

Ukuziva ungaphelelanga kubudoda okanye ubufazi bakho xa kuthelekiswa noontanga besini esifanayo kuyafana nokuziva ungafanelekanga. Uninzi lwamakhwenkwe angaphambi kobufanasini baziva bengengabo "ooyise, abantakwabo, okanye amanye amakhwenkwe, kwaye amantombazana angaphambi kobufanasini ayeziva ngathi" awabo "koomama, oodade wabo, okanye amanye amantombazana. Isifundo sikaGreen sika (1987) sinokubonisa ukubaluleka kwengqondo yokuba "ungowakho" kwisazisi nokuziphatha okuqinisekisa isini: amawele amabini afanayo, elinye liba li-gay elinye lingesini esahlukileyo. Lo mva wabizwa ngokufanayo noyise.

Imvakalelo yokuba "ayisiyonto", ukungaphantsi kunye nesizungu kunxibelelene. Umbuzo ngulo, ingaba ezi mvakalelo zikhokelela njani kwiminqweno yobufanasini? Ukuqonda oku, kuyadingeka ukucacisa intsingiselo ye "inferi infraim tata."

Umntwana nomntwana ofikisayo baphendula ngokuzenzekelayo kwiimvakalelo zokujongela phantsi kunye "nokungabiyiyo" ngokuzisizela nokuzenzela umdlalo. Ngaphakathi, bazibona njengezidalwa ezilusizi, ezilusizi, nezingonwabanga. Igama "ukuzenzela umdlalo" lichanekile, kuba libonisa umnqweno womntwana wokuzibona njengeziko eliyintlekele kwindalo iphela. "Akukho mntu undiqondayo", "akekho umntu ondithandayo", "wonke umntu uchasene nam", "ubomi bam buyabandezeleka" - i-ego encinci ayamkeli kwaye ayinakho ukuyamkela le ntlungu, ayikuqondi ukudibana kwayo okanye ayikuboni njengento edlulayo. Impendulo yokuzisizela inamandla kakhulu kwaye kulula kakhulu ukuyikhulula kuba inesiphumo sokuthomalalisa, kufana kakhulu novelwano olufunyanwa ngabanye ngexesha losizi. Ukuzisizela kuyashushu, kuyathomalalisa, kuba kukho into emnandi kuyo. "Kukho into ethandabuzekayo malunga nokukhala," njengoko imbongi yakudala u-Ovid yatsho ("Iinzondo eziLusizi"). Umntwana okanye umntwana ofikisayo ocinga ukuba "ulihlwempu" unokuba likhoboka lale ndlela yokuziphatha, ngakumbi xa ebalekela kuye kwaye engenamntu onokuqonda, inkxaso kunye nokuzithemba ukumnceda akwazi ukumelana neengxaki zakhe. Ukuzenzela umdlalo kuqheleke ngakumbi kwinqanaba lokufikisa, xa umntu ofikisayo ezizwa ngokulula njengegorha, ekhethekileyo, eyahlukileyo nakwintsokolo. Ukuba umlutha wokuzisizela uyaqhubeka, ke ubunzima njengoko buvela, oko kukuthi, ubunzima obuphantsi. Umkhwa wokucinga ukuba "undiphethe kakubi" uzinzile engqondweni. Yile "nto ihlwempuzekileyo" ekhoyo engqondweni yomntu oziva eyindoda, engenamntu obhinqileyo, elilolo kwaye "engenguye" kontanga yakhe.

Ekuqaleni, ukuzisizela kusebenza njengeyeza elilungileyo, kodwa kamsinya nje liqalisa ukwenza njengechiza elikhoboka. Ngeli xesha, ngokungazi waba ngumkhwa wokuzonwabisa, uthando lokuzibandakanya. Ubomi ngokweemvakalelo buye baba yi-neurotic: ngokuxhomekeka kukuzisizela. Ngenxa yolwazelelo, u-egocentrism oqinileyo womntwana okanye okwishumi elivisayo, oku kuyaqhubeka ngokuzenzekelayo kude kubekho ukuphazamiseka komntu okuthandayo nokomeleza okuvela kwihlabathi langaphandle. Imvo enjalo iya kuhlala inenxeba, ihlwempuzekile, uyazisizela, uhlala ungumntwana. Zonke iimbono, iinzame kunye neminqweno "yomntwana wexesha elidlulileyo" zidityaniswe kule "yeyona nto intle iyenzayo."

"Into entsonkothileyo" ke ngoko izondla ngokuzisizela ixesha elide, isikhalazo sangaphakathi malunga naso. Akukho nto inzima ngaphandle kokuzisizela (okwishumi elivisayo). Ukuziva ungaphantsi kunokubakho okwethutyana, kodwa baya kuqhubeka nokuphila ukuba ukuzisizela kugxunyekwe ngokuqinileyo, kwaye kuya kuhlala kuyinto entsha kwaye yomelele kwishumi elinesihlanu njengokuba babenjalo kwiminyaka emihlanu. "Ukuntsonkotha" kuthetha ukuba iimvakalelo zokujongela phantsi ziye zazilawula, zaphinda zenzeka, zihlala zisebenza, ziba krakra ngexesha elinye kwaye zincinci kwelinye. Ngokwasengqondweni, umntu ngokuyinxenye uhlala engumntwana ofanayo okanye ofikisayo njengokuba wayenjalo, kwaye ayeke ukukhula, okanye akhule enobunzima kwiindawo apho kulawula khona iimvakalelo zokujongela phantsi. Kubufanasini, eli liziko lokuzibona ngokweempawu zesini kunye nokuziphatha okunxulumene nesini.

Njengabathwali bobunzima obuphantsi, amafanasini aziqondi ukuba azisizela "abakwishumi elivisayo". Ukukhalaza malunga nemeko yengqondo okanye yomzimba, malunga nesimo sengqondo esibi sabanye abantu malunga nawe, ngobomi, ikamva, kunye nokusingqongileyo luphawu kuninzi lwabo, kunye nakwabo badlala indima yomntu osoloko onwabile. Njengomthetho, bona ngokwabo abayazi into yokuxhomekeka kwabo ekuzisizeleni. Bazibona izikhalazo zabo njengezifaneleyo, kodwa hayi njengokuqhubeka kwesidingo sokukhalaza kwaye bazisizele. Esi sidingo sokubandezeleka nokuthuthunjiswa sikhethekile. Ngokwengqondo, le nto ibizwa ngokuba yi-quasi-need, uncamathiselo kulonwabo lwezikhalazo kunye nokuzisizela, ukudlala indima ebuhlungu.

Kunzima kubagqirha kunye nabafuna amafanasini ukuba baqonde indlela ephakathi ye-neurotic yesikhalazo kunye nokuzisizela. Ngamaxesha amaninzi, abo bavile malunga nomqondo wokuzisizela, baqwalasele ingcinga yokuba ngandlela-thile abazi nto ukuba ukuzisizela okungenabuntu kubaluleke kakhulu kuphuhliso lobufanasini. Into ehlala ikhunjulwa kwaye kuvunyelwana ngayo malunga nenkcazo enjalo ngumxholo "wokuziva uphantsi", kodwa hayi "ukuzisizela". Umbono wokubaluleka kokuzisizela okungenazintsholongwane kwi-neurosis kunye nobufanasini yinto entsha ngokwenene; mhlawumbi nokuba siyacaphuka xa sijonga kuqala. Nangona kunjalo, ukuba ucinga ngayo kakuhle kwaye uyithelekise nezinto oziqapheleyo, unokuqiniseka ngokusebenziseka kwayo okugqithileyo ekucaciseni imeko.

3. Umtsalane kubufanasini

Khangela uthando kunye nokusondelelana

"Indlala ngokweemvakalelo kunxibelelwano namadoda," utshilo uGreen (1987, 377), "iyaqhubeka ikhangela ukufunwa kwothando lwamadoda nobufanasini." Abaphandi abaninzi bale mihla bengxaki yobufanasini bafikelele kwesi sigqibo. Kuyinyani xa uthathela ingqalelo ubunzima bokuthotywa kwamadoda kunye nokuzisizela. Ewe, le nkwenkwana yayisilela kabuhlungu kwintlonipho kunye nokuqwalaselwa nguyise, kwezinye iimeko - umntakwabo (okanye) oontanga bakhe, okwamenza waziva ehlazekile ngamanye amakhwenkwe. Isiphumo sothando siphumo sesona sidingo sokuba ngowelizwe lamadoda, lokwamkelwa kunye nobuhlobo babo bangaphantsi kwabo baziva.

Kodwa, xa sikuqondile oku, kufuneka siphephe ucalulo oluqhelekileyo. Kukho uluvo lokuba abantu abangalufumenanga uthando ebuntwaneni kwaye bakhubazeke ngokwengqondo ngenxa yoku bayakwazi ukupholisa amanxeba omoya ngokuzalisa ukuswela uthando. Iindlela ezahlukeneyo zonyango olusekwe kule ndawo. Ayilula kangako.

Okokuqala, ayisiyiyo injongo yokungabinalo uthando ebaluleke kakhulu, kodwa kukuyiqonda komntwana ngayo-kwaye yinto ehambelana nengcaciso. Abantwana banokukutolika gwenxa isimilo sabazali babo, kwaye, ngokuthanda kwabo ukwenza yonke into, banokucinga ukuba abafuneki, kwaye abazali babo bayoyikeka, kwaye bakwamoya omnye. Lumka ungayijongi into yokuba ngumntwana ofikisayo ekukhuliseni njengomzali.

Ngapha koko, "uthando olungenanto" aluzaliswa kukuthululwa okulula kothando kubo. Kwaye eqinisekile ukuba sisisombululo sale ngxaki, okwishumi elivisayo oziva elilolo okanye ehlazekile ucinga ukuba: "Ukuba ndingafumana uthando endilukhumbula kakhulu, ekugqibeleni ndiya konwaba." Kodwa, ukuba siyayamkela ithiyori enjalo, siya kuyiphosa enye inyani ebalulekileyo kwengqondo: ubukho bomkhwa wakho wokuzisizela. Phambi kokuba umntu ofikisayo aqhelane nokuzisola, uthando lunokukunceda boyise ukungoneliseki kwakhe. Kodwa kamsinya nje emva kokuba isimo sengqondo sokuba "ulihlwempu", ukuba sakhangela uthando akuseyona nto siyithandayo kwaye siyaphilisa, sinenjongo yokubuyisela ingqibelelo. Olu phendlo luba yinxalenye yendlela yokuziphatha ngokuzonwabisa: “Andisokuze ndilufumane uthando endilufunayo!” Ngumnqweno onjalo akwaneliseki kwaye ukoneliseka kwakhe akunakufikeleleka. Ukukhangelwa kothando lwesini esifanayo kukunxanwa okungazokwaneliseka de umthombo wayo wome, isimo sengqondo kuwe "njengelishwa". Nangona u-Oscar Wilde wakhala ngale ndlela: "Ndandihlala ndikhangela uthando, kodwa ndafumana kuphela abathandi." Umama wesini esafuna ukuzibulala wathi, "Ubomi bakhe bonke, uHelene ebefuna uthando," kodwa akakhange alufumane (Hanson 1965, 189). Kutheni ngoko? Kuba bendityiwa kukuzisizela ngesizathu sokuba babengamthandi abanye abafazi. Ngamanye amagama, "wayengumntu oselula ofikisayo." Amabali athandana nobufanasini ngokuyintloko yimidlalo. Abathandi abaninzi, ulwaneliseko oluncinci umntu analo.

Le ndlela yokuhlaziya i-pseudo isebenza ngendlela efanayo kwabanye abantu abafuna ukusondelelana, kwaye uninzi lwee-neurotic ziyayazi le nto. Umzekelo, elinye ibhinqa eliselula lalinabathandayo abaliqela, kwaye kubo bonke babemele umzobo katata onenkathalo. Kwabonakala kuye ukuba ngamnye kubo wayemphatha kakubi, kuba wayehlala ezisolana ngaye kuba engathandwa (ubudlelwane bakhe noyise baba sisiqalo sokukhula kobunzima bakhe). Ukusondelelana kunokumphilisa njani umntu oxakeke ziingcamango zakhe zokungakhathali?

Ukufuna uthando njengendlela yokuthuthuzela kwintlungu yengqondo kunokuba yinto nje esebenzayo Omnye umntu uthathwa kuphela njengalowo othanda “ukungonwabi” kum. Oku kukucela uthando, hayi uthando oluqolileyo. Umntu ongathandani naye angaziva ngathi unomdla, unothando kwaye unoxanduva, kodwa eneneni lo ngumdlalo nje ukutsala omnye. Konke oku kuyimvakalelo kunye nokugqithisa.

"Uthando" lobufanasini

"Uthando" kule meko kufuneka lubekwe kwiimpawu zokucaphula. Kuba ayilothando lokwenene, njengothando lwendoda nomfazi (kuphuhliso lwayo olufanelekileyo) okanye uthando kubuhlobo obuqhelekileyo. Ngapha koko, le yimvakalelo yokufikisa - "uthando lwenjana" kunye nomnqweno wenkanuko.

Abanye abantu abanolwazelelelo banokukhubekiswa koku kungxama, kodwa kuyinyani. Ngethamsanqa, abanye abantu bakufumanisa kuluncedo ukujongana nenyaniso yokuphilisa. Ke, akuva le nto, omnye ulifanasini oselula, umzekelo, waqonda ukuba unengxaki yokujongela phantsi eyindoda. Kodwa xa kufikwa kwiinoveli zakhe, wayengaqinisekanga kwaphela ukuba angaphila ngaphandle kwezi ziqendu "zothando" ezenza ubomi buphelele. Mhlawumbi olu thando lwalungekude kwaphela, kodwa…. Ndamcacisela ukuba uthando lwakhe bubuntwana obumsulwa, ukuzingca, kwaye ke kuyinkohliso. Wayecaphuka, ngakumbi ngenxa yokuba wayenekratshi kwaye enekratshi. Nangona kunjalo, emva kweenyanga ezimbalwa wanditsalela umnxeba wathi nangona wayeqala ukucaphuka, ngoku "uyayiginya". Ngenxa yoko, waziva ekhululekile kwaye, iiveki ezininzi ngoku, ekhululekile ngaphakathi ekufuneni olu nxibelelwano lwe-egocentric.

Omnye umntu onobungqingili ophakathi, indoda yaseDatshi, wayethetha ngobuntwana bakhe obunesizungu, apho wayengenabahlobo, kwaye wayengumntu ogxothiweyo phakathi kwabafana kuba utata wayeyilungu leqela lamaNazi. (Ndidibene namatyala amaninzi obufanasini phakathi kwabantwana “babaqapheli” beMfazwe yesibini.) Emva koko wadibana nomfundisi oselula oqondayo, omqondayo, wathandana naye. Olu thando lwaba ngamava amangalisayo ebomini bakhe: phakathi kwabo kwabakho ukuqonda okugqibeleleyo; wafumana uxolo kunye nokonwaba, kodwa, yeha, ngasizathu sinye okanye esinye, ubudlelwane babo abunakuqhubeka. Amabali anjalo anokuqinisekisa abantu abangafundanga abafuna ukubonisa "ukukhathalela": "Uthando lobufanasini ngamanye amaxesha ikhona! " Kwaye kutheni ungavumi uthando oluhle, nokuba aluhambelani nemilinganiselo yethu yobuqu? Kodwa masingakhohliswa njengokuba lo mntu ongumDatshi wazikhohlisayo. Wahlamba kwiminqweno yakhe yobutsha yomhlobo olungileyo awayehlala ephupha ngaye. Ndiziva ndingenakuzinceda, ndibuhlungu kwaye kunjalo-oh! - inkwenkwana enovakalelo, eyonzakeleyo, ekugqibeleni yamfumana umntu omthandayo, awathi yena, wathandwa, wanyuselwa kwinqanaba lesithixo. Kolu lwalamano, wayenomdla wokuzingca ngokupheleleyo; ewe, wamnika umhlobo wakhe imali kwaye wamenzela okuninzi, kodwa emva koko wathenga uthando lwakhe. Indlela yakhe yokucinga yayingeyendoda, engenazinto, elikhoboka.

Umntu okwishumi elivisayo onovelwano uyabancoma ngokuchanekileyo abo, ngokoluvo lwakhe, baneempawu yena ngokwakhe angenazo. Njengomthetho, kugxilwe kubunzulu bokungathandwa kwabantu besini esinye kukuncoma iimpawu abazibonayo kubantu besini esifanayo. Ukuba uLeonardo da Vinci watsaleleka kwipunks yasesitalatweni, sinesizathu sokucinga ukuba wayezibona ukuba uziphethe kakuhle kwaye uziphethe kakuhle. Umbhali wenoveli wase-France u-André Gide waziva ngathi yinkwenkwana edume kakubi ka-Calvin eyayingafanelanga ukuba ixhomeke nabantwana abathandayo abakwiminyaka yakhe. Kwaye oku kungoneliseki kubangele ukonwaba okukhulu ngabantu abangakhathaliyo kunye nomnqweno wokuziphatha kakubi kunye nabo. Inkwenkwe, eyayino mama ongazolanga, non-ndlongondlongo, yaqala yathanda amadoda ohlobo lomkhosi, kuba yabona ngokuchaseneyo ngokupheleleyo kuye. Uninzi lwamadoda athandana namanye athandwa ngabantu "abakhaliphileyo" kubantu abancinci bezemidlalo, ukwakha kunye nokudibana nabantu ngokulula. Kwaye kulapho ukutyeba kwabo okuyindoda kucace gca-amadoda angamadoda angatsali uninzi lwamadoda athandana namanye. Ukomelela kweemvakalelo zesini sabasetyhini, kokukhona esiya esiva ubufazi kwaye kokukhona efuna ngokungaphaya ukuba abubuntu. Omabini amaqabane "abantu abathandanayo" - ubuncinci ekuqaleni-batsalwa ziimpawu zomzimba okanye iimpawu zomnye umntu, ezinxulunyaniswa nobudoda (ubufazi), abathi, njengoko becinga, bona bangabinabo. Ngamanye amagama, babona ubudoda okanye ubufazi beqabane labo njengobulunge ngakumbi kunabo, nangona bobabini bengenabudoda okanye ubufazi. Kwenzeka into efanayo kumntu onoluhlobo olwahlukileyo lokuthotywa: uyabahlonipha abo, ngokwembono yakhe, abanobuchule okanye ezo mpawu, ukuswela kwakhe kuye kumenza azive ephantsi, nokuba le mvakalelo ayixhomekekanga kwaphela igwetyelwe. Ukongeza, akunakulindeleka ukuba umntu onqwenelekayo ngenxa yeempawu zakhe zobudoda, okanye owasetyhini onqwenelekayo kubufazi bakhe, angaze abe liqabane lesini okanye lesini, kuba ezi ntlobo zihlala zithandana nabantu besini esahlukileyo.

Ukhetho lobufanasini "olufanelekileyo" (kude kube kunokubizwa ngokuba "lukhetho") luxhomekeka ikakhulu kwiminqweno yeshumi elivisayo. Njengakwibali lomfana owayehlala kufutshane nejele lomkhosi kwaye ephuhlisa izimvo malunga nomkhosi, naliphi na ithuba elinokudlala indima ekudalweni kwale mibono ilunge kakhulu. Le ntombazana, yayihlaziswe yinto yokuba amakhwenkwe esikolo ahleka ngenxa yokugcwala kwakhe kunye "nemeko" (encedisa utata wakhe kwifama), waqala ukuncoma umlingane ofunda naye onomtsalane, iinwele ezimhlophe kunye nayo yonke into eyahlukileyo kuye. Le "ntombazana ivela kwinto engamampunge" iye yaba luphawu lokulangazelela ukuthanda kwakhe ngokwesini. Kuyinyani kwaye ukuba ukusilela kobuhlobo obusondeleyo nonina kufaka isandla ekwakhekeni kokuziva ngathi uthandabuza, kodwa umtsalane wesini esifanayo wavuswa xa wazithelekisa nentombazana ethile. Kuyathandabuzeka ukuba iingcinga zesini eziqinisekileyo zinokuvela okanye zikhule kuphela ukuba ngaba ngokwenene waba ngabahlobo kunye nale ntombazana; enyanisweni, umhlobo wamaphupha akhe akabonisi mdla kuye. Ekufikisa, amantombazana atyekele yiva kwamanye amantombazana okanye ootitshala abathandayo. Ngale ndlela, ubugqwirha asiyonto ngaphandle kokudityaniswa kwezi zinto zolutsha.

Umntu okwishumi elivisayo oziva ehlazekile uphuthisa izinto azithandayo kwiindidi ezifanelekileyo zesini sakhe. Imfihlo, ekhethekileyo, ukusondelelana okunokufudumeza umphefumlo wakhe ohlwempuzekileyo kubonakala kuye kunqweneleka. Xa ufikisa, bahlala bengapheleli nje ekuboniseni ubuntu okanye uhlobo lobuntu, kodwa banamava avakalayo malunga nolu buntu. Isidingo sokonwaba kwisithixo (imizimba yaso kunye nokubonakala kwayo kuyathandeka, ihlala inomona), inokujika ibe ngumnqweno wokuthandana naye okhokelela kumaphupha amabi.

Ulutsha lobufazi lunokuthi, kwimibono yakhe, luchukunyiswe yinto, ekungakhukhuleni kwakhe, ethatha iimpawu zobudoda: amadoda anxibe impahla yesikhumba, enamadevu, ekhwele isithuthuthu, njl njl. Isini samafanasini amaninzi sigxile amathunjana... Bathe phithi zizambatho zangaphantsi, ipeni enkulu, njl njl, nantoni na ebonisa ukufikisa kwabo.

Masithi amagama ambalwa malunga ithiyori yokuba amafanasini afuna utata wabo (okanye umama) kumaqabane abo. Ndicinga ukuba oku kuyinyani kuphela, Oko kukuthi, kulindeleke ukuba iqabane libe nesimo sikayise (okanye soomama) kubo, ukuba bayasilela kuthando lukayise okanye lomama kunye nolwamkelo. Nangona kunjalo, kwezi meko, injongo yokukhangela yile buhlobo nommeli wesini sakho. Kwimibono emininzi, ayisiyonto ingako yobuzali / yomama egqiba isigqibo sobuntwana okanye imeko yobutsha enxulunyaniswa neqela labo.

Ukupheliswa kobutsha bezithixo zesini sabo akuqhelekanga ngokwako. Umbuzo obalulekileyo ngulo, kutheni le nto ithimba umntu kangangokuba ade abaleke uninzi, ukuba ayingabo bonke, luqhulo lokuthandana nobungqingili? Impendulo, njengoko sele sibonile, ilele kwimeko yokufikiswa ngokunzulu kulutsha ngokunxibelelene nentanga yesini sakho, imvakalelo yokungabinayo eyabantu bakhe kunye nokuzibonela. Abantu abathandana nabantu abatshatileyo banento efanayo: kuyabonakala ukuba amantombazana azithiba ngokungathi zizithixo zeenkwenkwe zesilisa azibona enesithukuthezi kwaye ecinga ukuba azithandeki emadodeni. Kubantu abatyekele kubufanasini, umtsalane kwizithixo zesini sabo womelele, ubunzulu bokubona kwabo "umahluko" ongenathemba kwabanye.

Gay Iziyobisi

Umntu ongathandani naye uhlala kwihlabathi elineminqweno emihle, ngaphezulu kwako konke okwabelana ngesondo. Umntu okwishumi elivisayoathuthuzelwa yinkanuko yamaphupha othando. Ukusondelelana kubonakala kuye njengendlela yokuhlalisa iintlungu, izulu ngokwalo. Uyanqwenela ubudlelwane obusondeleyo, kwaye ixesha elide uyayixabisa le mibono kwihlabathi lakhe elingaphakathi elivaliweyo, okanye ophulula amalungu esini, egxila kula maphupha, kokukhona ebenza amakhoboka. Oku kunokuthelekiswa nomlutha wotywala kunye nemeko yovuyo lobuxoki eveliswa nguye kwi-neurologists okanye kubantu abanezinye iingxaki: ukuhamba ngokuthe chu ukuya kwihlabathi elingenangqondo leminqweno enqwenelekayo.

Ukuphulula amaphambili kuqinisa la maphupha othando. Kubantu abaninzi abathandana besisini esinye, ukuphulula amaphambili kuyeyona nto iphambili kubo. Ukongeza, le ndlela ye-narcissism inciphisa umdla kunye nokwoneliseka bubomi bokwenyani. Njengamanye amakhoboka, zizitepsi ezijikelezayo ezikhokelela ezantsi ekukhangeleni ukoneliseka okukhulu ngokwesondo. Ixesha elingaphezulu, umnqweno wokungena kubudlelwane obungaqhelekanga, intelekelelo okanye inyani, woyisa ingqondo. Umntu uziva phithi yile nto, kubonakala ngathi bonke ubomi bakhe bujikeleze ukukhangela rhoqo amaqabane anokubakho ngokwesini esifanayo kunye nokuqwalaselwa ngamandla komgqatswa ngamnye omtsha. Ukuba ujonge ukufana kwihlabathi lokulutha, oku kufana nokukhawuleza kwegolide okanye ukutyeba ngamandla, ubutyebi bezinye i-neurotic.

Ukumangaliswa "okungenakunqandeka", ukunconywa kobudoda okanye ubufazi kubantu abathanda ubufanasini, sisizathu sokumelana nokushiya indlela yabo yokuphila, kwaye, ngokufanelekileyo, iingcinga zobufanasini. Kwelinye icala, abonwabanga yiyo yonke loo nto, kwelinye icala, banotyekelo olomeleleyo lokuhlakulela ngokufihlakeleyo le mibono. Kubo ukushiya inkanuko yesini esifanayo kukuthatha inxaxheba kuyo yonke into enika injongo ebomini. Nokuba ukugwetywa esidlangalaleni kwabantu abathandana besisini esinye, okanye ukutshutshiswa kwabantu abanesini esifanayo ngomthetho kunganyanzela abantu ukuba bayeke le ndlela yokuphila. Ngokwengxelo kagqirha wengqondo waseDatshi uJanssens, ebonakaliswe nguye ngo-1939 kwinkongolo yeengxaki zobufanasini, uninzi lwamafanasini alunikezeli inkanuko yawo eyingozi, kwanezindleko zokuvalelwa entolongweni kaninzi. Indlela yokuphila yamafanasini ibonakaliswa kukuthanda ukubandezeleka; Kubomi obuqhelekileyo, uya kuthi ngenkani akhethe umngcipheko wokuvalelwa. Ubungqingili sisifo esibuhlungu, kwaye ingozi yokohlwaywa, mhlawumbi, inyusa nokuvuka kwakhe ekufuneni ubudlelwane bobufanasini. Namhlanje, amafanasini ahlala efuna ngabom amaqabane osuleleke yi-HIV, eqhutywa ngumnqweno ofanayo wokuzibulala.

Isiseko salo mnqweno wesini kukuzibonela, ukuzithobela kwintlekele yothando olungenakwenzeka. Ngesi sizathu, abantu abathandana nabantu abathandana nabo ngesondo abanomdla ongako kwiqabane njengoko kunjalo kwimibono yemibono ngeminqweno engazalisekanga. Abaliboni iqabane lokwenyani njengoko linjalo, kwaye njengoko esaziwa ngokwenyani, umtsalane we-neurotic kuye uyaphela.

Amanqaku ambalwa ongezelelweyo ngesini esifanayo kunye nezinye iziyobisi. Njengotywala okanye iziyobisi, ukoneliseka kwabantu besini esifanayo (ngaphakathi okanye ngaphandle komtshato wobufanasini, okanye ukuphulula amalungu esini) yinto nje egocentric. Isini esinye nesini asikokwenza uthando, kodwa, ukubiza umhlakulo, yinto nje engeyiyo eyomntu, njengokufana nehenyukazi. Amafanasini "afundileyo" ahlala evumelana nolu hlalutyo. Inkanuko yokuzingca ayizalisi isithuba, kodwa iyenza nzulu ngakumbi.

Ngapha koko, kuyaziwa ukuba amakhoboka otywala neziyobisi athambekele ekuxokeni kwabanye nakwiziqu zabo malunga nokuziphatha kwabo. Abakhoboka besini, kubandakanya amafanasini, benza njalo. Umntu otshatileyo usoloko exoka emfazini wakhe; ukuhlala kumanyano lobufanasini - kwiqabane lakhe; ulifanasini ofuna ukoyisa umnqweno wokunxibelelana nabantu abathandana besisini esinye- kugqirha wakhe nakuye. Kukho amabali aliqela abuhlungu abantu abathandana besisini esinye abaneenjongo ezintle abathi babhengeza indawo yabo yobufanasini (ngenxa yokuguquka kwezenkolo, umzekelo), kodwa ngokuthe ngcembe babuyela kule ndlela yokuphila imbi (kubandakanya nenkohliso yesiqhelo). Iyaqondakala le nto, kuba kunzima kakhulu ukuhlala uqinile kwaye ungagungqi kwisigqibo sokuyeka ukondla lo mkhwa. Bephelelwe lithemba ngenxa yolu thintelo, la malishwa aya kuphuma, azibandakanya nokuwa simahla enzonzobileni yentshabalalo yengqondo nangokwasemzimbeni, njengoko kwenzekileyo ku-Oscar Wilde kungekudala emva kokuguquka kwakhe entolongweni. Ngelinge lokugxeka abanye ngobuthathaka babo kunye nokuthomalalisa izazela zabo, ngoku bayangxamela ukubukhusela ngokuqatha ubufanasini nokugxeka oogqirha babo okanye abacebisi abangamaKristu, ababeneembono ababekhe babelana ngazo ngaphambili kwaye balandela nemiyalelo yabo.

4. Neuroticism yobufanasini

Ubufanasini

Akukho sidingo sobunye ubungqina: ubhubhane kaGawulayo ubonakalisile ngokucacileyo ukuba abantu abathandana besini esinye, uninzi lwabo, banobuhlobo obuninzi ngokwesondo kunabantu abathandanayo. Ibali lamandla eemanyano "zemanyano" (kunye nesiqubulo esithi: "Nguwuphi umahluko phakathi komtshato wesini esahlukileyo, ngaphandle kwesini seqabane?") Akukho nto ngaphandle kwepropaganda ejolise ekufumaneni amalungelo kumthetho nokwamkelwa ziicawa zamaKristu. Kwiminyaka eliqela eyadlulayo, uMartin Dannecker (1978), isazi ngezentlalo waseJamani kunye nobufanasini, wavuma ngokuphandle ukuba "amafanasini aneentlobano zesini esahlukileyo," Oko kukuthi, utshintsho olwenzeka rhoqo kumaqabane luyinto yesini sabo. Umbono "womtshato ongapheliyo," wabhala, wawusetyenziswa kwisicwangciso-qhinga sokwenza uluvo oluhle loluntu malunga nobufanasini, kodwa ngoku "ixesha lifikile lokukrazula isigqubuthelo." Mhlawumbi kukungakhathali ukunyaniseka okunje, kuba umbono "womtshato ohlala uhleli" usasebenza ngempumelelo kwiinjongo zokukhululwa, umzekelo, ukugunyazisa ukwamkelwa kwabantwana ngabantu abatshatileyo. Ke, isihloko sobudlelwane sisagutyungelwe ngesigqubuthelo sobuxoki kunye noxinzelelo lwezinto ezingafunekiyo. Ugqirha wezengqondo wamajoni aseJamani u-Hans Giese, odumileyo kwiminyaka yama-60 kunye nasekuqaleni kweminyaka yama-70, kuyo yonke ingxoxo kawonkewonke okanye kwiforum engobufanasini akazange aphoswe lithuba lokufaka uluvo "lobambiswano olomeleleyo nolwexesha elide", umzekelo ekuthiwa bubomi bakhe. Kodwa xa wazibulala emva kokwahlukana nesinye isithandwa, amajelo eendaba ayigqitha ngempumelelo le nto ethe cwaka, kuba wathetha nje ngokuchasene "nembono yokunyaniseka." Kwangokunjalo, kwii-60s, umfanekiso olusizi we-Belgian "singing nun" uDade Surier wabonakala eqongeni. Eshiya i-monastery ngenxa yesithandwa "sesithandana", wabonisa wonke umntu ukomelela kwakhe kunye nokuthobela imigaqo yenkolo. Kwiminyaka eliqela kamva, yena kunye nenkosikazi yakhe bafunyanwa beswelekile, njengoko besitsho, njengesiphumo sokuzibulala (ukuba le nguqulo inokuthenjwa; nangona kunjalo, imeko yentlekele yayiyindawo yothando "lokufa egameni lothando").

Abakhululi babini abalingqingili-ugqirha wezengqondo uDavid McWerter kunye no-Andrew Mattison (1984) -wafunda i-156 yezibini ezomeleleyo zesini esingamadoda. Ukuqukumbela kwabo: "Nangona uninzi lwabantu abatshatileyo bengena kubudlelwane benjongo ecacileyo okanye engagungqiyo yokugcina umanyano ngokwesondo, zisixhenxe kuphela izibini kolu phando ezihlala zizodwa ngokwesondo." Yipesenti ezi-4. Kodwa jonga ukuba kuthetha ukuthini ukuba "nomntu omnye ngokwesini": la madoda athe awunawo amanye amaqabane ngexesha ngaphantsi kweminyaka emihlanu. Nika ingqwalaselo kulwimi olugqwethekileyo lwababhali: intetho ethi "ukugcinwa komanyano lwezesondo" ayithathi cala kwimigaqo kwaye isebenza njengokubuyisel 'indawo kukungathembeki. Malunga neepesenti ze-4, sinokuqikelela ngokuchanekileyo ngokubhekisele kubo ukuba nokuba abaxoki, ubudlelwane babo "obungapheliyo" bawa bufutshane ngexesha elincinci kamva. Kuba unjalo umthetho ongenakuphakanyiswa. Ukuxhalaba kwabantu abathandana besini esifanayo akunakuchukunyiswa: Iqabane elinye limbalwa kakhulu kuba amafanasini aqhutywa rhoqo linxano lokudibana ongenakufikeleleka kwiminqweno yabo. Eyona nto ibalulekileyo kukuba, ubufanasini ngumntwana obawayo, olambe ngonaphakade.

Igama "I-neurotic»Ubuchaza kakuhle obo budlelwane, egxininisa egocentrism: ukukhangela okungapheliyo kwengqwalaselo; Ukuhlala uxinzelelo ngenxa yezikhalazo eziphindaphindwayo: "Awundithandi"; umona ngokusola: "Unomdla ngakumbi komnye umntu." Ngamafutshane, "ubudlelwane obunemithambo-luvo" kubandakanya zonke iintlobo zeedrama kunye neengxabano zobuntwana, kunye nokusilela komdla kumlingane, ungasathethi ke ngamabango angenakuchazeka "othando." Ubufanasini abukhohliswanga nakweyiphi na into njengokuzibonakalisa njengeqabane elinothando. Iqabane elinye lifuna elinye kuphela ukuya kuthi lihlangabezane neemfuno zalo. Uthando lwenene, lokungazingci kumaqabane omnqwenelayo luya kukhokelela ekutshatyalalisweni "kothando" lobufanasini! "Iiyuniyoni" zobufanasini zixhomekeke kubudlelwane babini "abazihluphekileyo", zithatheke zodwa.

Ubungakanani bokuzitshabalalisa kunye nokungasebenzi

Inyaniso yokuba ukungoneliseki sisiseko sokuphila kobufanasini kulandela ukusuka kwinqanaba eliphezulu lokuzibulala phakathi kwabantu "abazibiza ngokuba ngamafanasini". Amaxesha ngamaxesha indawo yokulanda izitabane idlala intlekele "yongquzulwano lwesazela" kunye "nengxaki yengqondo" apho amafanasini atyholwa ngabantu ababhengeza ubufanasini nokuziphatha kakubi. Ngale ndlela, amahlwempu, unokubazisa ukuba bazibulale! Ndiyazi ngecala elinye lokuzibulala amajoni amafanasini angamaDatshi awabiza ngokuba "kukungavisisani kwesazela" okwabangelwa bubufanasini, obabusithi ke ngoku buphakanyiswe ixilongo kumajelo eendaba. Eli bali lilusizi labaliswa lihlabathi ngumhlobo womfi, owayefuna ukuziphindezela kumfundisi onempembelelo owayemthuka ngentetho yakhe engakhethi buso ngobufanasini. Ngapha koko, umhlobo wakhe onelishwa wayengabufanasini kwaphela. Amafanasini atyholwa ukuba oyisile ukungqubana kwesazela "anyanzelwe" kubo bazibulala amaxesha amaninzi kunabantu abathandanayo abakwiminyaka efanayo. Uphononongo olwenziwe ngo-1978 ngu-Bell no-Weinberg lweqela elikhulu lamafanasini lafumanisa ukuba ama-20% abo azame ukuzibulala, ukusuka kuma-52% ukuya kuma-88% ngezizathu ezingahambelani nobufanasini. Abantu besini esinye banokufuna okanye baxhokonxe iimeko apho baziva bengamaqhawe abuhlungu. Iingcinga zabo zokuzibulala ngamanye amaxesha zithatha uhlobo "loqhankqalazo" olunxamnye nelizwe elibangqongileyo ukubonisa indlela abaqondwa ngayo kunye nokuphathwa kakubi. Bacinga ukuba bafuna ukuhlamba ngokuzisizela. Yiyo le nto eyakhuthaza isimilo sikaTchaikovsky xa wasela ngabom amanzi amdaka avela kuNeva, akhokelela kwisifo esibulalayo. Njenge-neurotic romantics yenkulungwane ephelileyo abaye bazirhaxela kwiRhine, baziphosa kuyo kwilitye laseLorelei, amafanasini anamhlanje anokufuna ngabom amaqabane asuleleke yi-HIV ukuze aqiniseke ngentlekele. Enye indoda eyintandane ngokuzingca ibhengeze ukuba yazifumana ngabom i-AIDS ukuze ibonise "ubumbano" nabahlobo bayo abaninzi abasweleka ngenxa yesi sifo. "Ukunyaniseka" kwabantu besini esifana nabo ababulewe yi-AIDS kunegalelo kule nkolo yokuzikhethela.

Ukungasebenzi kakuhle ngokwesondo kukwabonisa ukungoneliseki kwe-neurotic. Isifundo esenziwe nguMacWerter kunye noMatison safumanisa ukuba ama-43% abantu abatshatileyo abanamandla. Olunye uphawu lwe-neurotic yesondo kukunyanzela ukuphulula amalungu esini. Kwicandelo elifanayo lokufunda, i-60% yabhenela ekuphulula amalungu esini i-2-3 amaxesha ngeveki (ukongeza kwisondo). Uninzi lweendlela zokuziphatha gwenxa ngokwesini zikwaluphawu lwamafanasini, ngakumbi ama-masochism kunye ne-sadism; ayisiyonto ikhethekileyo kunye nokuziphatha okubi ngokwesini komntwana (umz., ukutyeba nge-lingerie, ukuchama kunye nokulala ngesondo).

Ukuhlala ulutsha: ukulawulwa komntwana

Ngaphakathi, ubufanasini ngumntwana (okanye ulutsha). Le nto yaziwa ngokuba "ngumntwana okhalazayo wangaphakathi". Abanye ngokweemvakalelo bahlala bekwishumi elivisayo phantse kuzo zonke iinkalo zokuziphatha; kuninzi, kuxhomekeke kwindawo nakwiimeko, "umntwana" uyatshintshana nomntu omdala.

Kumntu omdala olifanasini, isimilo, iimvakalelo kunye nendlela yokucinga yomntu ofikisayo oziva ethotyiwe yinto eqhelekileyo. Uhlala - ngokuyinxenye - engenakuzikhusela, engonwabanga yedwa, njengoko wayekwiminyaka yokufikisa: eneentloni, enovalo, ebambelele, "eshiywe", inkwenkwe enengxabano evakalelwa ngathi iyaliwa ngutata kunye noontanga ngenxa yokubonakala kwayo okungathandekiyo. yintoni, ngokoluvo lwakhe, ayihambelani nobuhle bendoda); yonakele, inkwenkwe ethandabuzekayo; oziphethe kakuhle, onekratshi, inkwenkwe enekratshi; inkwenkwe engacacanga, efuna ngenkani, kodwa eligwala, njalo njalo. Zonke izinto ezihambelana neempawu zenkwenkwe (okanye intombazana) zigcinwe ngokupheleleyo. Oku kuchaza iimpawu zokuziphatha, njengokuthetha kwabantwana kubufanasini, ubuthathaka, ubuqhetseba, ukukhathalela umzimba, indlela yokuthetha, njl. Njl. tomboy; abalawuli ngendlela yokulinganisa ukuzithemba kwamadoda; intombazana ekhubekekileyo unaphakade, onomsindo umama wakhe "engazange abenamdla kuye," njalo njalo. Kwaye konke ukufikisa kusekho: umbono wakho, wabazali bakho kunye nabanye abantu.

Njengoko sele kukhankanyiwe, eyona nto ixhaphakileyo yokuzibona kukukhubekiswa, ukwaliwa, "ndihlwempuzeke". Yiyo loo nto ingqumbo yamafanasini; "baqokelela okungekho sikweni," njengoko ugqirha wezifo zengqondo uBerggler ebeka kakuhle, kwaye bathanda ukuzibona njengamaxhoba. Oku kuchaza ukungazifanisi nokuzenzela komdlalo wamatsha ntliziyo abo, abathi basebenzise kakubi i-neuroses yabo ukuze bafumane inkxaso yoluntu. Baqhele ukuzisizela, baba ngabakhalazi bangaphakathi (okanye abavulekileyo), bahlala bengabakhalazi abangapheliyo. Ukuzisizela akukude kuqhanqalazo. Kwabaninzi abalingqingili, ukuvukela kwangaphakathi (okanye ukuvuleka) kunye nobutshaba kubaphuli-mthetho kunye "noluntu" kunye nokuzimisela okuzimeleyo kuyinto eqhelekileyo.

Konke oku kunempembelelo ngqo kubunzima ekuthandeni ubufanasini. Ubunzima bayo butsalela ingqalelo yakhe kuye; njengomntwana, ufuna ingqalelo, uthando, ukwamkelwa kunye nokumncoma. Ukugxila kwakhe kuye kuphazamisa ukukwazi kwakhe ukuthanda, ukuba nomdla kwabanye, ukuthatha uxanduva kwabanye, ukunika nokunikezela (gcinani engqondweni ukuba ngamanye amaxesha inkonzo inokuba yindlela yokutsala umdla kunye nokuzithemba). Kodwa "kuyenzeka ... ukuba umntwana akhule xa engathandwa?" Ubuza umbhali uBaldwin (Siering 1988, 16). Nangona kunjalo, ukubeka ingxaki ngale ndlela kuyayiphambanisa imicimbi. Kuba ngelixa inkwenkwe eyayilangazelela uthando lukayise inokuphiliswa ukuba ifumene umntu onothando oza kuthatha indawo katata wayo, ukungakhuli kwayo kusisiphumo sokuzithuthuzela ngokusilela kothando, kwaye ayisosiphumo sokungabikho kothando enjalo. Umntu okwishumi elivisayo oye wafunda ukwamkela ukubandezeleka kwakhe, ebaxolela abo bamkhubekisayo-uhlala engazi ngayo, ekuhluphekeni akabheneli ekuzisizeleni nasekuqhankqalazeni, kwaye kule meko ukubandezeleka kumenza aqole ngakumbi. Kuba umntu u-egocentric ngokwendalo, olu phuculo lweemvakalelo alwenzeki lodwa, kodwa kukho ukungafani, ngakumbi xa umntwana okhathazekileyo ngokweemvakalelo enokubambela umzali onokumxhasa kule ndawo. U-Baldwin, eqinisekile ngokungenakwenzeka kokukhula komntwana ongathandwayo- konke kunokwenzeka, uthetha ngaye-unethemba kakhulu kwaye akahoyi inyani yokuba nomntwana (kwaye ngokuqinisekileyo umfana) unenkululeko kwaye angafunda ukuthanda. Uninzi lweeurotic zihambelana nokuziphatha okulingisiweyo "azange kuthandwe nangubani na" kwaye zihlala zifuna uthando kunye nembuyekezo kwabanye - kubantu abatshatileyo, abahlobo, abantwana, eluntwini. Amabali olwaphulo-mthetho amaninzi afanayo. Banokuba babandezeleka ngokwenyani kukuswela uthando kwiintsapho zabo, bade balahliwe, baxhatshazwe; Nangona kunjalo, umnqweno wabo wokuziphindezela, ukungabi nanceba kwabo kwihlabathi elalikhohlakele kakhulu kubo, akukho nto ngaphandle kokuphendula ngokuzingca ekusweleni uthando. Umfana ozicingela yedwa ubeka emngciphekweni wokuba ngumntu ongathandekiyo ongathandekiyo ozonda abanye, yena enexhoba lokuzisizela. U-Baldwin ulungile kuphela ngokubhekisele kwiimvakalelo zobufanasini, kuba azithethi uthando lokwenene, kodwa kukunxanelwa ubushushu kunye nomona.

"Umntwana ongaphakathi" ujonga kwiiglasi zesini sakhe sokungaphantsi kwesini kubameli hayi kuphela isini sakhe, kodwa nesinye esahlukileyo. “Isiqingatha sabantu - ababhinqileyo - asizange sibekho de kube kutshanje,” yavuma njalo enye indoda elifanasini. Kwabasetyhini, wabona umfanekiso kamama okhathalayo, njengamafanasini atshatileyo ngamanye amaxesha, okanye izitha ekuzingeleni ingqalelo yamadoda. Ukusondelelana nomntu obhinqileyo abakwiminyaka efanayo kunokuba sisoyikiso kubufanasini, kuba ngokunxulumene nabasetyhini abadala, uziva njengenkwenkwe engafikeleliyo kwindoda. Oku kuyinyani ngaphandle komxholo wesini kubudlelwane bendoda nomfazi. AmaLesbiya nawo abona amadoda njengabakhweli: ngokoluvo lwabo, umhlaba ungangcono ngaphandle kwamadoda; ecaleni kwendoda, baziva bengakhuselekanga, ngaphandle koko, amadoda ayabathathela abathandana babo. Amafanasini ahlala engayiqondi intsingiselo yomtshato okanye ubudlelwane phakathi kwendoda nomfazi; babajonga benomona kwaye bahlala benentiyo, kuba yona kanye "indima" yobudoda okanye yobufazi iyabacaphukisa; ngelizwi, ukujonga umntu wangaphandle oziva ethotyiwe.

Ngokwentlalo, amafanasini (ngakumbi amadoda) ngamanye amaxesha aba ngamakhoboka okuvuselela uvelwano kubo. Abanye benza ihlelo lokwenyani lokuzenzela abahlobo abahamba phambili, befunda ubugcisa bomtsalane, kwaye banike umbono wokuba bayathandeka. Bafuna ukuba ngabona bafana bathandiweyo, abona bafana bathandekayo kwinkampani yabo - lo ngumkhwa wokuhlawula ngaphezulu. Nangona kunjalo, kunqabile ukuba bazive bedibene nabanye: nokuba kusezantsi okanye ngaphezulu (ukugqithisa ngaphezulu). Ukuziqinisekisa okungaphaya kokunyanzeliswa kuthwala uphawu lokucinga komntwana kunye neemvakalelo zobuntwana. Umzekelo wehlazo leli bali lendoda encinci, emfutshane, enamehlo anqamlezileyo angamaDatshi. Ukuziva engaziwa ngoontanga bakhe abanomtsalane kunye nobutyebi, wagqiba kwelokuba azalisekise amaphupha akhe emali, udumo kunye nokunethezeka (iKorver kunye neGowaars 1988, 13). Ukulwela ukuzingqina, wafumana ubutyebi obunomdla xa wayeneminyaka engaphezulu kwamashumi amabini kuphela. Kwibhotwe lakhe e-Hollywood, waphosa amatheko amakhulu, awayezinyaswe yikrimu yoluntu. Ngokuchitha imali eninzi kubo, eneneni wathenga ukuthanda kwabo kunye nengqwalaselo yabo. Waba yinkwenkwezi, wayehlala engqonge abalandeli, enxibe kakuhle kwaye uzilungise kakuhle. Ngoku wayenokukwazi ukufumana izithandwa zakhe. Kodwa, eyona nto ibalulekileyo, eli lizwe liphela leentsomi elaba yinyani yayilixoki- konke oku "ubuhlobo", "uthando", "ubuhle", konke oku "kuyimpumelelo eluntwini." Nabani na olaziyo ixabiso lale ndlela yokuphila uyayiqonda indlela engenantsingiselo ngayo. Yonke le fortune yaqokelelwa kwintengiso yeziyobisi, ubuqili obunobunkunkqele nobuqhophololo. Ukuziphatha kwakhe kungqamene nengqondo: wayengakhathali ngekamva labanye, kumaxhoba akhe, "wabonisa ulwimi" kuluntu kulonwabo olungamampunge lokuziphindezela. Ayinamsebenzi ukuba wabulawa nguGawulayo eneminyaka engama-35, kuba, njengoko wayeqhayisa kungekudala ngaphambi kokuba asweleke, wayephila ubomi "obutyebileyo". Isayikholojisti iya kubona ngengqondo yakhe "umntwana", "umntwana" odanileyo; umngqibi, umntu olisikizi ophandle, olambele ubutyebi nabahlobo; umntwana okhule enobubi, engakwazi ukuseka ubudlelwane obuqolileyo phakathi kwabantu, umthengi olusizi "wobuhlobo." Ukucinga kwakhe okutshabalalisayo ngokunxulumene noluntu kwaveliswa yimvakalelo yokulahlwa: "Andinatyala kubo!"

Ukucinga okunjalo akuqhelekanga phakathi kwabantu abathandana besini esinye, kuba obu butshaba bubangelwa yingxaki yokuba “ayisiyonto”. Ngesi sizathu, amafanasini athatyathwa njengezinto ezingathembeki kulo naliphi na iqela okanye umbutho. "Umntwana ongaphakathi" kubo uqhubeka eziva elahliwe kwaye ephendula ngenzondo. Uninzi lwabantu besini esinye (bobabini abesilisa nabasetyhini) bafuna ukudala obabo, ubuqhetseba, umhlaba onokuthi "ulunge" kunokuba ungowenyani, "unobabalo"; Isidenge, umtsalane, sigcwele "i-advent", ukumangalisa kunye nokulindelekileyo, iintlanganiso ezikhethekileyo kunye nabantu obaqhelileyo, kodwa okwenyani zigcwele kukungakhathali kunye nokuxhuma okungaphezulu: ukucinga kwolutsha.

Kubantu abanobungqingili, ubudlelwane beemvakalelo nabazali babo buhlala bunjalo ebuntwaneni nasebusheni: emadodeni, kukuxhomekeka kunina; ukwenyanya, indelelo, uloyiko, okanye ukungakhathali kuyise; iimvakalelo ezinomdla malunga nonina kwaye (kunqabile) ukuxhomekeka ngokweemvakalelo kutata kubafazi. Oku kungakhuli ngokweemvakalelo kuphinde kuboniswe kwinyani yokuba bambalwa amafanasini afuna abantwana kuba bona, njengabantwana, banzulu kakhulu kwiingcinga zabo kwaye bafuna lonke ingqalelo ukuba libe lelabo.

Umzekelo, abantu abathandana besini esinye abaza kuthatha umntwana bavuma ukuba bafuna ukonwaba kuphela, ngokungathi yinja ethandekayo. Wonke umntu unikele ingqalelo kuye xa thina, abalingane besithembu, singena naye kwi-salon. " Isibini esitshatileyo esinqwenela ukuba nomntwana silandele iinjongo zokuzingca ezifanayo. "Bayadlala-nyana-ntombi", ngaloo ndlela bacel 'umngeni usapho lokwenene, besebenza ngokuzikhukhumalisa kwengqondo ezolileyo. Ngamanye amaxesha, bazama ngokuzama ukubandakanya intombi yabo eyamkelwe kubudlelane bezesini. Urhulumente, eqinisekisa ukuba ubudlelwane obungeyiyo ngokwasemthethweni, ubeka ityala kwityala lokugqibela, kodwa ugonyamelo olukhulu ebantwaneni. Abahlaziyi bezentlalo abazama ukunyanzelisa izimvo zabo ngobuyatha malunga "nosapho", kubandakanya nosapho olufanasini, balahlekise uluntu, njengakwezinye iindawo ezinxulumene nobungqingili. Ukuququzelela ukwamkelwa komntwana abengowomnye umntu okanye abantu ngokusemthethweni, bathembela kwizifundo "ezingqina" ukuba abantwana abakhuliswa ngamafanasini bakhula bephilile engqondweni. Ezo "zifundo" azilifanelanga iphepha elibhalwe ngazo. Obu buxoki be-pseudosci science. Nabani na onolwazi oluthembekileyo malunga nabantwana ababenabo "bazali" kwaye bafumana uphuhliso olufanelekileyo bayazi ukuba yeyiphi imeko engaqhelekanga kunye elusizi abakulo. (Ukufumana i-maniplication kuphando lwabazali abathandana abatshatileyo, jonga uCameron 1994).

Ukushwankathela: ezona mpawu ziphambili ze-psyche yomntwana kunye nokufikisa kukucinga ngeemvakalelo kunye neemvakalelo. Ubuntu bomntwana kunye nokufikisa komntu omdala onobungqingili obunobungqingili bugcwele ubuntwana kwaye ngamanye amaxesha kukuzingca. Ukuzisizela kwakhe ukungazazi, ukuzisizela kwakhe kunye nesimo sengqondo esihambelanayo kuye, kunye nomtsalane "wokuhlawula" ubudlelwane obunobungqongqo ngenxa "yokutsala umdla" kunye nezinye iindlela zokuzanelisa nokuzonwabisa, zizinto nje ezintsana, oko kukuthi, i-egocentric. Ngendlela, abantu nge-intuititive baziva ngathi "ngumntwana" onjalo kwaye bathathe isikhundla sokuxhasa ngokunxulumene nelungu losapho lobufanasini, umhlobo okanye umntu asebenza naye wesini esifana nesakhe, bamphethe ngokwenyani njengomntwana okhethekileyo, "osengozini" yomntwana.

Alithandabuzeki elokuba ubudlelwane phakathi kwabantu besini esinye kunye “neemanyano zabasebenzi” ziphawulwa ziimpawu zobuntwana. Njengobudlelwane babahlobo bam bobabini esifubeni, olu lwalamano lufikisayo lugcwele umona ongathethekiyo, ukuxabana, ukungoneliseki, ukurhawuzelelwa kunye nokusongelwa, kwaye ngokungenakuphelela kuphele ngomdlalo. Ukuba "badlala usapho", oku kuya kuba ngumzekelo wobuntwana, ohlekisayo kwaye kwangaxeshanye ulusizi. Umbhali ongumDatshi onobufanasini, uLuis Cooperus, owayephila ekuqaleni kwenkulungwane yama-20, wathetha malunga nobuntwana bakhe ukunxanelwa ubuhlobo kunye nomalume wakhe onwabile, onamandla, othembekileyo:

“Bendifuna ukuba kunye noMalume uFrank rhoqo, naphakade! Kwiingcinga zam zobuntwana, ndandicinga ukuba mna nomalume wam singabatshatileyo ”(Van den Aardweg 1965). Kumntwana, umtshato oqhelekileyo usebenza njengomzekelo wendlela ababini abanokuhlala ngayo kunye. Ababini abonwabileyo abanesizungu "abantwana bangaphakathi" ngaphakathi kwabantu besini esinye banokuxelisa olo lwalamano kwiminqweno yabo - okoko umdlalo uqhubeka. Le yimibono yeengcinga zabantwana ababini abazizidenge abaliweyo. Elinye iphephancwadi lathumela ifoto yomsitho "womtshato" kwiholo yesixeko yama-lesbibi amabini amaDatshi. Ngaphandle kwamathandabuzo yayiyimbonakalo yolutsha yokuzimela kunye nokuzithemba, kodwa ikwangumdlalo ocacileyo wosapho. Omnye waba bafazi babini, mde kwaye unzima, wayenxibe isuti yomyeni omnyama, kwaye omnye, emfutshane kwaye ebhityile, enxibe ilokhwe yomtshakazi. Umdlalo wabantwana wokuziphatha komalume omdala kunye nomakazi kunye "nokuzinikela ngonaphakade". Kodwa abo babizwa ngokuba ngabantu abaqhelekileyo baziphatha njenge-crazier, ngokungathi bayayamkela le nto. Ukuba bebenyanisekile kwiziqu zabo, kuya kufuneka bavume ukuba iingqondo neemvakalelo zabo zibona yonke into eyenzekayo njengehlaya elibi.

I-Neurotic ngenxa yocalulo?

"Ukususela ebuntwaneni bokuqala ndandihlukile kubo bonke abantu." Amafanasini amaninzi, mhlawumbi isiqingatha, anokuyithetha le nto. Nangona kunjalo, bayaphazama ukuba bayalinganisa iimvakalelo zomahluko kunye nobufanasini. Ukwamkelwa ngempazamo kukwahlulahlula ebuntwaneni njengentetho kunye nobungqina bendalo yobungqingili kungqina umnqweno wokuchaza ngobungqingili indlela yokuphila yobufanasini, njengakwimeko yomsebenzi opapashwe kakuhle we-psychoanalyst yobufanasini u-RA. UAiseya (1989). Okokuqala, ithiyori yakhe yobufanasini ayinakubizwa ngokuba yithiyori. Akawuphenduli umbuzo malunga nonobangela, ebathatha "njengabalulekanga", kuba "akukho nto inokwenziwa" (Schnabel 1993, 3). Nangona kunjalo, le ngcamango ayiyiyo inzululwazi. Ngaba kunokwenzeka ukubiza oonobangela bomhlaza, ulwaphulo-mthetho, ukunxila kungabalulekanga ngenxa yokuba singakwazi ukunyanga iindlela ezininzi zezi zifo? Ukucaphuka kombhali kunye nokugxeka kwaba sisiphumo somtshato wakhe owaphukileyo kunye nokusilela kwinkqubo yokusebenza kwengqondo. Wazama, kodwa wasilela, emva koko wazimela kwisicwangciso esiqhelekileyo sokuzithethelela: ukubiza iinzame zokutshintsha abantu abathandana besisini esinye, la maxhoba ocalucalulo, ulwaphulo-mthetho, kunye "nendalo" yabo - into engenakoyiswa, ngaphandle kwamathandabuzo. Uninzi lwamafanasini olungakhange lusebenze luye lwasabela ngale ndlela. Umanduleli wase-France wentshukumo yobufanasini u-André Gide, eshiya inkosikazi yakhe kwaye eqala ukuzonwabisa nge-pedophilic, uthathe le midlalo ilandelayo kwiminyaka engamashumi amabini: “Ndiyile nto ndiyiyo. Kwaye akukho nto inokwenziwa. " Le yimeko yokuzikhusela yomntu owoyikayo onosizi. Iyaqondakala, mhlawumbi- kodwa isazikhohlisa. Umntu onikezelayo uyazi ukuba balahlekile ngenxa yokunqongophala kokuqina kunye nokunyaniseka. UAisei, umzekelo, ngokuthe ngcembe watyibilika ekukhokeleni ubomi obumbaxa bokufuna ubufanasini ngokufihlakeleyo notata nodokotela ohloniphekileyo. Kule nto ufana nabo "bangamafanasini" abanethemba lokushiya ubufanasini ngokuguqukela ebuKristwini, kodwa abakwazi ukuzinza ekuqinisekeni kwabo "inkululeko" kwaye ekugqibeleni baphulukane nalo lonke ithemba. Ukongeza, bayangcungcuthekiswa "sisazela esinetyala". Iinkcazo zabo azichazwanga ngengqondo, kodwa ngokuzikhusela.

Njengo gqirha wezifo zengqondo, u-Aisei akakwazi kodwa ukubamkela ubukho beempawu ezininzi "ezigwenxa nezigqwethekileyo" kubantu abathandana besisini esinye (Schnabel), kodwa nangona kunjalo uzichaza njengesiphumo sokukhatywa ixesha elide: ngutata wakhe, ngoontanga nangoluntu. Neurotic? Ezi ziziphumo zocalucalulo. Le ngcamango ayiyonto intsha; ihlala isetyenziselwa abo bathandana nabobufanasini abavumayo ukuba banemvakalelo ye-neurotic, kodwa bakuphephe ukujonga ubufanasini ngokukhanya kwenyaniso. Nangona kunjalo, akunakwenzeka ukwahlula umnqweno wobufanasini kwi-neurosis. Kukaninzi ndiva abathengi: “Ndifuna ukulahla i-neurosis, iyaphazamisa endinxibelelana nabo ngokwesini. Ndifuna ukuba nolwalamano olwanelisayo ngokwesondo, kodwa andifuni ukutshintsha indlela endikhetha ngayo ngokwesondo. Ungasiphendula njani eso sicelo? "Ukuba siqala ukusebenza kwiimvakalelo zakho ze-neurotic kunye nokuzithoba, kuya kuchaphazela ngokuzenzekelayo iimvakalelo zakho zobufanasini. Ngenxa yokuba zibonakalisa i-neurosis yakho. " Kwaye kunjalo. Ukudakumba okuncinci komntu athandana naye, ukuzinza okuzinzileyo ngokweemvakalelo, kuye kuthi gingci ekuziphatheni gwenxa, kunye nokuziva engowesini esifanayo kuye.

Ithiyori yangaphandle yokuzikhusela ye-Aisei- kunye nabanye abantu abathandana besisini esinye- inokubonakala inyanzelekile. Nangona kunjalo, ebusweni beenyaniso zengqondo, uqala ukwahlukana. Masicinge ukuba "ubufanasini" ngandlel 'ithile bungaqondakali njengelifa kumntwana kwasekuzalweni okanye akufumene kungekudala emva kokuzalwa. Ngaba uninzi lootata ngokuzenzekelayo "lunokumala" unyana onjalo ngenxa yesi sizathu? Ngaba ootata bakhohlakele kakhulu kuba oonyana babo ngandlela thile "bahlukile" kwabanye (kwaye babalahla kwangaphambi kokuba kuvele ukuba lo "mahluko" ngowobufanasini "bendalo"? Umzekelo, ngaba ootata bayabalahla oonyana abaneziphene? Ewe akunjalo! Ewe, nokuba inkwenkwana inenye "indalo" eyahlukileyo, nangona, mhlawumbi, kuyakubakho uhlobo oluthile lootata abangamphathiyo ngokulahlwa, kodwa baninzi ngakumbi abaya kuphendula ngenkathalo nenkxaso.

Ngapha koko. Kumntu oyiqondayo ingqondo yengqondo yabantwana, kungabonakala ngathi akukho ngqiqweni ukucinga ukuba amakhwenkwe amancinci aqala ubomi bawo ngokuthanda ukuthandana nooyise (athi, ngokwethiyori ka-Aisei, avela kubufanasini). Olu luvo luyabugqwetha ubunyani. Uninzi lwamakhwenkwe angaphambi kobufanasini lwalufuna ukufudumala, ukuwolana, ukwamkelwa kuyise-akukho nto erotic. Kwaye ukuba ootata babalahla ekuphenduleni, okanye kwabonakala kubo ukuba “bayala”, ngaba ngenene kungalindeleka ukuba baneliseke seso simo sengqondo ngakubo?

Ngoku malunga nokuziva "ngumahluko." Akukho ntsomi ithi "indalo" yesini esifanayo iyafuneka ukuyicacisa. Inkwenkwe enotyekelo lobufazi, ukufikelela kumama, kwiwadi egqithisileyo, engenalo ubuntu bukatata okanye enye impembelelo yamadoda ebuntwaneni, iya kuthi ngokwendalo iqalise ukuziva "ihluke" ukunxulumana nala makhwenkwe akhule ngokupheleleyo kwiminqweno yamakhwenkwe. Kwelinye icala, imvakalelo yokuba "umahluko" ayisiyo, njengoko u-Aisei eqinisekisa, ilungelo elingathandekiyo lamadoda angaphambi kokuba gay. Uninzi lwee-neurologists zesini esahlukileyo zaziva “zahlukile” ebutsheni bazo. Ngamanye amagama, akukho sizathu sokukubona oku njengobungqingili.

Ithiyori ka-Aisei ineengxaki zokungangqinelani. Inani elikhulu lamafanasini lalingenangqondo "yomehluko" de kube kwinqanaba lokufikisa. Ebuntwaneni, bazibona njengenxalenye yenkampani, kodwa ngenxa yokufudukela kwesinye isikolo, njl. Njl. enye into.

Kwaye okokugqibela, ukuba umntu uyakholelwa kubukho bobufanasini, kuya kufuneka akholelwe nakwindalo yokuphanga, ukuthanda umntwana, isadomasochistic, zoophilic, transvestite, njl. iifestile zabafazi. Kwaye umDatshi owayesandula ukubanjwa ngenxa yokuzibandakanya "nokungenakuphikiswa" kokuhlola abantu basetyhini kwishower kangangeminyaka esibhozo unokuqhayisa "ngendalo" ye-voyeuristic! Ke laa mfazi mncinci, oziva engafunwa ngutata wakhe, ngokungazenzisiyo wazinikela emadodeni amdala kunaye iminyaka elishumi, ngaphandle kwamathandabuzo wayene "ndalo" ye-nymphomaniac eyahlukileyo kwindalo yesini esahlukileyo, kwaye ukudana kwakhe okunxulunyaniswa nomfanekiso katata yinto nje eqondakalayo.

I-Aisei yongqingili izibonakalisa njengexhoba lesimanga esingaqondakaliyo. Umbono onjalo, ngokuyintloko, uyintlekele ngokwakho. Ayilunganga into yokuba i-ego ibe yinto eqondakalayo ukuba ubungqingili bunxulunyaniswa neemvakalelo zangaphambi kwexesha! Ukuba imfundiso ka-Isay yokuba "ubume" obufanasini iyinyani, ngaba ukungazinzi kwengqondo komntu onobungqingili, "ubuntwana" bakhe kunye nokuzixakekisa kakhulu kuyinxalenye yesi "simo" esingaguqukiyo nesingaqondakaliyo?

I-Neurotic ngenxa yocalulo? Inani elikhulu labantu abanotyekelo lobufanasini bayavuma ukuba khange bahlupheke kakhulu kucalucalulo njengokuba besazi ukungakwazi kwabo ukuphila ubomi obuqhelekileyo. Abaxhasi abasoloko benyusa amafanasini baya kuthi: “Ewe, kodwa le ntlungu ibangelwa lucalucalulo lwangaphakathi. Babengayi kubandezeleka ukuba abantu babugqala ubufanasini njengento eqhelekileyo. ” Yonke le nto ithiyori ingabizi. Mnye kuphela ongafuniyo ukuzibona ezibonakala njengezendalo ngokuchasene nobungqingili kunye nolunye ulwaphulo-mthetho ngokwesondo.

Ke ngoko, ulungelelwano lwezinto alubi ngathi umntwana uqaphela ngesiquphe: "Ndingungqingili", ngenxa yento Ufumana i-neurotization evela kuye okanye kwabanye abantu. Ukulandelwa ngokuchanekileyo kwe-psychohistories yamafanasini kucebisa ukuba bona kuqala bafumane imvakalelo "yokungabiyiyo", ukuthotywa ngokunxulumene noontanga babo, isizungu, ukungathandi omnye wabazali, njl. Kwaye kuyacaca ukuba ngenxa yesi sizathu bangena kuxinzelelo kwaye bazithobe kwi-neuroticism ... Umtsalane wobufanasini awubonakalisi ngaphambili, kodwa после и ngenxa yoko ezi mvakalelo zokwaliwa.

Abantu abangafananga babe ngamafanasini?

Ngaba bakho abanjalo? Umntu unokuphendula ngokuvuma ukuba ucalucalulo ekuhlaleni lolona nobangela wokuphikiswa okungenakukhanyelwa kokuphazamiseka ngokweemvakalelo, ezesondo kunye nokuphazamiseka kubantu abathandana besisini esinye. Kodwa ubukho be-non-neuroticfanasini yintsomi. Oku kunokubonwa ngokujonga kunye nokuzijonga ngokwakho kwabantu abathandana besisini esinye. Ngaphaya koko, kukho unxibelelwano oluchanekileyo phakathi kobufanasini kunye neengqondo ezahlukeneyo, ezinje ngee-syndromes ezinyanzelekileyo kunye nokuqaqamba, i-phobias, iingxaki zengqondo, uxinzelelo lwe-neurotic kunye neeparanoid States.

Ngokwezifundo ezisebenzisa uvavanyo lwengqondo, onke amaqela abantu abathandana nabantu abatshatileyo abakhe bafumana olona vavanyo lubonayo ukuba une-neurosis okanye i- "neuroticism" babonise iziphumo ezintle. Ngaphaya koko, ngaphandle kokuba ngaba abagcini zincwadi ngabavavanyi ngokwaseburhulumenteni okanye akunjalo, bonke ngaphandle kophawu babephawulwe njengee-neurotic (Van den Aardweg, 1986).

[Isilumkiso: uvavanyo oluthile alunikezelwa ngokungafanelekanga njengovavanyo lwe-neurosis, nangona lungekho.]

Abanye abantu abanesi sigulo banokubonakala bengasebenzi kakuhle. Ngamanye amaxesha batsho ngesini esinye ukuba uhlala onwabile kwaye anelisekile kwaye engabangeli ngxaki. Nangona kunjalo, ukuba umazi ngakumbi kwaye ufunde ngakumbi ngobomi bakhe bobuqu kunye nehlabathi elingaphakathi, ke olu luvo aluyi kuqinisekiswa. Njengakwimeko yomtshato “ozinzileyo, owonwabileyo, nowomtshato wabantu abatshatileyo,” ukujonga ngokusondeleyo akuqinisekisi umbono wokuqala.

Ngezinye iinkcubeko?

Isiko lethu lobuYuda nobuKrestu alibamkeli ubufanasini, ngokungafaniyo nezinye iinkcubeko ezibugqala buyinto eqhelekileyo le yenye intsomi. Akukho nakweyiphi na inkcubeko okanye ixesha ubufanasini-obuqondwa njengokutsala okunamandla kumalungu esini esifanayo kunamalungu ochaseneyo- yayithathwa njengesiqhelo. Izenzo zesondo phakathi kwamalungu esini esinye, ukuya kuthi ga kwinqanaba elithile, zithathwa njengezamkelekileyo kwezinye iinkcubeko, ngakumbi ukuba zinxulumene nesiko lokwaluka. Kodwa ubufanasini bokwenyani buhlala buqwalaselwa ngaphandle kwesiqhelo.

Ukanti kwezinye inkcubeko, ubufanasini abuqhelekanga njengobethu. Ubungakanani ubufanasini busenzeka ngokwenkcubeko yethu? Kumaxa amaninzi kunokuba abungqingili emkhosini kunye nemithombo yeendaba bacebisa. Iimvakalelo zesini esifananayo zinepesenti enye ukuya kwezimbini zobuninzi bomntu, kubandakanya ii-bisexcript. Le pesenti, enokuthi isuselwe kwimizekelo ekhoyo (uVan den Aardweg 1986, 18), ichazwe kungekudala yiAlan Guttmacher Institute (1993) njengeyinyani eUnited States. E-UK, le pesenti yi-1,1 (i-Wellings et al. 1994; yeyona ingqokelela yolwazi inokuthenjwa ngalo mbandela, bona uCameron 1993, 19).

Kumawaka aliqela abahlali besizwe esincinci saseSambia eNew Guinea, yayinomntu omnye. Ngapha koko, wayengumntu ohamba ngezinyawo (uStoller noGerdt 1985, 401). Ayichazanga kuphela ubungqwabalala besini sakhe, kodwa indlela awayeziphethe ngayo ngokubanzi: “ebanda”, “engalunganga ebantwini” (yabonisa imvakalelo yokuphoxeka, ukungazithembi), “egcinwe”, “yegqwirha”, “eyaziwa ngokugcuma”. Le yinkcazo ye-neurotic, umntu ocacileyo ongaphandle oziva ehlazekile kwaye onenzondo "kwabanye."

Le ndoda "yahlulwa" ngokunqanda imisebenzi yamadoda enjengokuzingela nokulwa kangangoko anako, ekhetha ukulima imifuno ngaphezulu kwabo, eyayingumsebenzi kanina. Indawo awayehlala kuyo ngokwasentlalweni kunye nengqondo inike ukuqonda malunga nemvelaphi yesifo sakhe sengqondo. Wayenguye yedwa nonyana ongekho mthethweni womfazi owashiywa ngumyeni wakhe ke ngoko wadelelwa sisizwe sonke. Kubonakala ngathi umntu olilolo, olahliweyo ubophe kakhulu inkwenkwe kuye, yiyo loo nto engakhulanga njengamakhwenkwe aqhelekileyo- into eqhelekileyo kumakhwenkwe angaphambi kobungqingili kwinkcubeko yethu, oomama babo abababona njengabantwana kwaye, xa kungekho tata, bahlala nabo kakhulu kufutshane. Umama wale nkwenkwe wayecaphukisa lonke uhlanga lwamadoda kwaye ke, njengoko umntu enokucinga, akazange akhathalele ukukhulisa "oyena mntu" kuye. Ubuntwana bakhe babonakaliswa ngokuzikhethela ekuhlaleni kunye nokugatywa- unyana othotyiweyo womfazi oshiyiweyo. Kuyabonakala ukuba, ngokuchaseneyo namakhwenkwe akwiminyaka yakhe, iminqweno yokuthandana kwabantu besini esinye yaqala ngexesha lakhe lokufikisa. Iifantasy azichazi kangako indlela yokuziphatha ngokwesondo kwaye ngokwazo njengoncedo lokwahlula umohluko oqinileyo. Kule meko, oku kuyacaca, kuba onke amakhwenkwe esi sizwe afundiswa ubudlelwane bezesondo: okokuqala ngamadoda amadala, kwindima yamaqabane; emva koko, njengoko bekhula, kunye nabo bancinci, kwindima yabo basebenzayo. Inqaku lesi siko lokwaluka kukuba ulutsha lufumane ukomelela kwabadala. Kwiminyaka yabo engamashumi amabini bayatshata. Kwaye yintoni enomdla, ngokusondela kwalo msitho, wabo Imibono iba yindoda eyahlukileyo ngaphandle kwendlela yangaphambili yobufanasini. Oyena mntu wayeziphethe kakubi ngokwesini kwisizwe esavavanywa nguStoller noGerdt, ukuba neentlobano zesini nabantu abadala ngokulingana namanye amakhwenkwe, ngokucacileyo akazange azive enxibelelana nabo, kuba iingcinga zakhe ezithandekayo zazigxile amakhwenkwe... Ukusuka koku sinokugqiba kwelokuba wayekhathazekile xa wayefumana ukwaliwa ngoontanga bakhe kwaye waziva ehlukile, ikakhulu kwamanye amakhwenkwe, umntu wangaphandle.

Umzekelo wesizwe saseSambia ubonisa ukuba imisebenzi yobufanasini ayifani neminqweno yobufanasini. Ubungqingili "bokwenene" yinto enqabileyo kwinkcubeko ezininzi. UKashmiri ofundileyo wakha wandixelela ukukholelwa kwakhe ukuba ubufanasini abukho kwilizwe lakhe, kwaye ndeva okufanayo kumbingeleli owayesebenza ngaphezulu kweminyaka engamashumi amane kumantla mpuma eBrazil, inzalelwane yaloo mmandla. Singatsho ukuba kunokubakho amatyala afihlakeleyo, nangona oku kungaqinisekanga. Kananjalo kunokucingelwa ukuba umahluko ophathwa kuwo amakhwenkwe kunye namantombazana kulawo mazwe, kwaye unyango ngamxhelomnye lwamakhwenkwe njengamakhwenkwe namantombazana njengamantombazana, ngentlonipho efanelekileyo, linyathelo elifanelekileyo lokuthintela. Amakhwenkwe akhuthazwa ukuba azive engamakhwenkwe kwaye amantombazana akhuthazwa ukuba azive njengamantombazana.

Ukupheliswa

Ukufunda ngesizwe saseSambia kunokunceda ekuqondeni ukuba ukukhohlisa kunegalelo lini kuphuhliso lobufanasini. Ukuncitshiswa akunakuthathelwa ingqalelo njengesigqibo sokuthatha isigqibo kubantwana nakwishumi elivisayo ngokuzithemba okuqhelekileyo ngokwesini. Nangona kunjalo, ibaluleke ngakumbi kunokuba ibibanjelwe ishumi leminyaka. Olunye uphononongo lwesiNgesi lufumanise ukuba nangona i-35% yamakhwenkwe kunye ne-9% yamantombazana ekwenziwe uphando kuwo avumile ukuba azamile ukuwabambisa ngokwesini, kuphela yi-2% yamakhwenkwe kunye ne-1% yamantombazana avumayo. Kule meko, sinokujonga le nto kwelinye icala. Akukho ngqiqweni ukucinga ukuba ukulukuhla kunokuba yingozi xa umntu oselula sele enengxaki yokujongwa ngokwesini okanye xa umbono wakhe wokufikisa sele uqalile ukugxila kwizinto zesini sakhe. Ukulukuhla, ngamanye amagama, kunokuqinisa ukwenziwa kobufanasini, kwaye ngamanye amaxesha kubangele neminqweno yobufanasini kwabo bantu bafikisayo abangazithembanga ngesini sabo. Amadoda athandana namanye amadoda andixelele ngezi zihlandlo. Ibali eliqhelekileyo lihamba ngolu hlobo: “Elinye ibufanasini landiphatha ngobubele laza lavuselela uvelwano ngam. Wazama ukundilala, kodwa ekuqaleni andizange ndivume. Emva kwexesha ndaqala ukucinga ngokuba neentlobano zesini nomnye umfana endandimthanda kwaye ndifuna ukuba ngumhlobo naye. Ke ngoko, ukulukuhla akukho msulwa njengokuba abanye befuna ukusiqinisekisa ngayo (olu luvo lububuxoki bokubulala abantwana ngokwesini kunye nokwamkelwa kwabantwana ngabantu besini esinye). Kwangokunjalo, "imeko yezesondo" ekhaya-iphonografi, iifilimu zobufanasini-zinokuqinisa iminqweno yobufanasini engekachazwa. Abanye abantu abathandana besisini esinye banamathuba amahle okuba babe ngamadoda nabafazi abatshatileyo ukuba babengenayo iminqweno yobufanasini ngexesha elinzima lokufikisa. Banokuthi cwaka bayigqithile indawo yabo yokufikisa, ubukhulu becala, ukuhonjiswa okungathandekiyo kwabahlobo kunye nezithixo zesini sabo. Kwamanye amantombazana, ukuxhatshazwa kwabantu besini esahlukileyo kwandisiwe, okanye kwaqiniswa, umdla wangaphambili wobufanasini. Nangona kunjalo, oku akunakuthathelwa ingqalelo kuphela kwesizathu; akufuneki silibale unxibelelwano kunye nophuhliso lwangaphambili lweemvakalelo zokungabikho kobufazi.

5. Ubufanasini kunye nokuziphatha

Ubufanasini nesazela

Isihloko sesazela sijongelwa phantsi kakhulu yisayikholoji yale mihla kunye nonyango lwengqondo. Isimilo sokungathathi cala kokuziphatha sithatha indawo yesimvo sesazela, esibizwa ngokuba yinto enkulu kakhulu kaFreud, asinakucacisa amandla endlela yokusebenza kwengqondo yokuziphatha komntu. I-superego ichazwa njengokuphela kwayo yonke imithetho yokuziphatha yokuziphatha. Ukuziphatha "okuhle" kunye "nokubi" akuxhomekekanga kwimilinganiselo yokuziphatha, kodwa kuseti lwenkcubeko, olunemiqathango kakhulu. Intanda-bulumko esekwe kule ithiyori ithi imigangatho kunye neenqobo ezisemgangathweni ziyahambelana kwaye zibekwa: “Ndingubani mna ukuba ndikuxelele okulunge kuwe nokubi; into eqhelekileyo nengekhoyo.

Ngapha koko, wonke umntu, kubandakanya umntu wale mihla, enye indlela okanye enye, ngokucacileyo okanye kancinci "uyazi" ngobukho "baphakade", njengoko babebizwa njalo nangumthetho wamandulo, wokuziphatha kwaye kwangoko nangokuzimela ukwahlula phakathi kobusela, ubuxoki, inkohliso, ukungcatsha, ukubulala , udlwengulo, njl njl. njengobungendawo (izenzo zinobubi ngokwazo), kunye nesisa, isibindi, ukunyaniseka nokunyaniseka-njengokulunga nobuhle. Nangona isimilo sokuziphatha okuhle kunye nokuziphatha okubi zibalasele ekuziphatheni kwabanye (Wilson 1993), sikwahlula ezi mpawu nakuthi. Kukho umahluko wangaphakathi wezenzo eziphosakeleyo kunye neenjongo, nokuba i-ego izama njani ukucinezela lo mahluko, ukuze ungayeki le misebenzi kunye neenjongo. Lo mgwebo wangaphakathi wokuziphatha ngumsebenzi wolwazi oluchanekileyo. Ngelixa kuyinyani ukuba ukubonakaliswa kokuziphatha okugxekayo kunesithintelo kwaye uvavanyo lwesazela luphosakele, kwiimeko ezininzi isazela somntu siyangqina ngokunyaniseka kokuziphatha okungaphezulu "kokuchasana nenkcubeko." Siza kuphelelwa sithuba ukuba siqala ukubonelela ngolwazi lwengqondo kunye nezibakala ukuxhasa le mbono. Nangona kunjalo, kumbukeli ongakhethi cala, ubukho "bokuqonda okuyinyani" kucacile.

Le ntetho ayisiyonto ifanelekileyo, kuba isazela siyinto yengqondo etyeshelwa ngokulula kwiingxoxo ngezihloko ezinje ngobufanasini. Umzekelo, asinakuyityeshela imeko yengcinezelo yesazela, ethi, ngokwe-Kierkegaard, ibaluleke ngaphezu kwengcinezelo yesini. Ukucinezelwa kwesazela akuphelelanga kwaye ngaphandle kwemiphumo, nkqu nakwizinto ezibizwa ngokuba zii-psychopaths. Ukwazi ityala okanye, ngokwamaKristu, ukuba nesono kuyaqhubeka nokuhlala kubunzulu bentliziyo.

Ulwazi lokwazi okwenyani kunye nokucinezelwa kwalo kubaluleke kakhulu kulo naluphi na uhlobo "lonyango lwengqondo". Kuba isazela sisoloko sithatha inxaxheba ekukhuthazeni nasekuziphatheni.

(Umzekeliso wenyani yengqondo yokuba iminqweno yakho yesini ayijongwa njengokuziphatha okubi njengoko iminqweno yesini yabanye kukuthintela isimilo samafanasini kwi-pedophilia. Kudliwanondlebe, ityhuna eliyi-porn elalisisitabane elivela eAmsterdam laphalaza imilambo yengqumbo kutyekelo lokuziphatha kakubi koogxa bakhe, ebabiza ngokuba "ngabaziphethe kakubi." : "Ukwabelana ngesondo nabantwana abancinci abanje!" Uqhubeke wathi unethemba lokuba esi saphuli-mthetho siza kugwetywa kwaye sifumane ukubethwa kakuhle ("De Telegraaf" 1993, 19). Inkanuko egqwethekileyo- le nto imdaka. ”Le ndoda ibonakalise amandla ayo ekuphenduleni isimilo esiqhelekileyo kwindlela abaziphethe ngayo abanye abantu, kwaye kwangaxeshanye - ubumfama ekuvavanyeni imizamo yakhe yokulukuhla abancinci nabadala kwizenzo ezahlukeneyo zobufanasini nokuzityebisa ngeendleko zabo: ubumfama obufanayo, ethi loo mntu axhaphaze abantwana ngokumangaliswa kukuziphatha kwakhe gwenxa.)

Ugqirha ongakuqondi oku, akanakuyiqonda kakuhle into eyenzeka kubomi bangaphakathi babathengi, kwaye usemngciphekweni wokuchaza kakubi izinto ezibalulekileyo kubomi babo kwaye azenzakalise. Ukungasebenzisi ukukhanya kwesazela somthengi, nokuba kunjani na, kuthetha ukwenza impazamo ekukhetheni ezona ndlela zilungileyo kunye neendlela ezifanelekileyo. Akukho namnye kwiingcali zokuziphatha zale mihla ezichaze imisebenzi yokwazi ngokwenyani (endaweni ye-Freudian ersatz) njengoyena mntu uphambili emntwini, kwanezigulana ezigula ngengqondo, ngokwamandla ngakumbi kunesazi ngengqondo saseFrance uHenri Baryuk (1979).

Ngaphandle koku, uninzi namhlanje lukufumanisa kunzima ngakumbi ukuziqinisekisa ukuba, ukongeza kwimilinganiselo yokuziphatha kwindalo iphela, kufanele ukuba kubekho imilinganiselo yokuziphatha kwindalo iphela ngokwesini. Kodwa, ngokuchasene nokuziphatha okuxhaphakileyo ngokwesini, uninzi lweendlela zokuziphatha ngokwesondo kunye neminqweno isabizwa ngokuba "imdaka" kwaye "iyanyanyeka." Ngamanye amagama, iimvakalelo zabantu malunga nokuziphatha kakubi ngokwesondo azitshintshanga kangako (ngakumbi xa kufikwa kwindlela abaziphethe ngayo abanye). Inkanuko yesini, ukufuna ulwaneliseko lwayo kuphela, kunye okanye ngaphandle komnye umntu, kuvusa kwabanye imvakalelo ekhethekileyo yokulahlwa kunye nokuzothe. Kwelinye icala, ukuzeyisa kwisini esiqhelekileyo-ubunyulu ngokwamaKristu-iyahlonitshwa kwaye iyahlonitshwa kwilizwe liphela.

Into yokuba ubugqwetha obuphathelele kwezesondo ibisoloko ikuyo yonke indawo kwaye kuthathwa njengento yokuziphatha okubi, ayithethi kuphela ngokuchasene nobomi babo kunye nokungabi nanjongo, kodwa nokugxila ngokupheleleyo kwesiqu sakho. Ngokufanayo, ubudla-kudla obungalawulekiyo, ukunxila kunye nokubawa kubonwa ngabantu abakude nale mikhwa, ngokwenyanyekayo. Ke ngoko, indlela yokuziphatha kwabantu besini esinye ibangela isimo sengqondo esibi ebantwini. Ngesi sizathu, amafanasini akhusela indlela yawo yobomi angajongi kwimicimbi yawo yesini, kodwa endaweni yoko, "uthando" lobufanasini luphakanyiswa ngeendlela zonke. Kwaye ukucacisa ukunganyani okuqhelekileyo kwengqondo okubangelwa kukuthandana kwabantu abathandana nabantu abatshatileyo, baqala umbono wokuba "ubungqingili", besenza into engaqhelekanga. Kodwa uninzi lwabo, kwaye ingengabo kuphela abo bafumene ukukhuliswa kobuKristu, bavuma ukuba baziva benetyala ngokuziphatha kwabo (umzekelo, umntu owayengumlingani wesini esinye esithetha "ngemvakalelo yesono" kuHoward 1991). Uninzi luzicekeceke ngokwabo emva kokuba bengatshatanga. Iimpawu zokuziva unetyala zikhona nakwabo babiza abafowunelwa babo akukho ngaphantsi kokuba buhle. Ukubonakaliswa koxinzelelo, uxinzelelo, ukungakwazi ukonwaba ngokwenene, utyekelo lokugweba nokucaphukisa kuchazwa lilizwi “lesazela esinetyala”. Umntu olikhoboka lezesondo kunzima kakhulu ukuqonda ukungoneliseki kwakho ngesiqu sakho. Inkanuko yesini izama ukufihla imvakalelo yokuziphatha ebuthathaka, ethi, nangona kunjalo, ingasebenzi.

Oku kuthetha ukuba esona sigqibo sigqibeleleyo nesigqibeleleyo sokuba umntu athandane naye angazifezekisi izimvo zakhe ziya kuba yimvakalelo yakhe yangaphakathi yokucoceka nokungacocekanga. Kodwa ungayazisa njani? Ngokunyaniseka phambi kwakhe, ekuboniseni okuthe cwaka, ukufunda ukumamela ilizwi lesazela sakhe kunye nokungamameli kwiimpikiswano zangaphakathi ezinje: "Kutheni kungenjalo?" Okanye "Andikwazi ukuyeka ukwanelisa lo mnqweno" okanye "ndinelungelo lokulandela imeko yam" . Yabela ixesha elithile ukuze ufunde ukumamela. Ukucingisisa ngale mibuzo: "Ukuba ngononophelo nangaphandle kokukhetha ndimamela ukuba kwenzeka ntoni entliziyweni yam, ndiza kunxibelelana njani nobungqingili bam? Ukuze ndimshiye? ”Kuphela yindlebe enyanisekileyo nenesibindi eyokuva impendulo kwaye ifunde icebiso lesazela.

Inkolo kunye nobufanasini

Omnye umKristu oselula owayenotyekelo lobufanasini wandixelela ukuba, efunda iBhayibhile, wafumana izizathu zokuxolelanisa isazela sakhe kunye nobudlelwane befanasini awayenabo ngelo xesha, ukuba wayehlala engumKristu othembekileyo. Njengoko kwakulindelekile, emva kwethuba elithile wayishiya le njongo, eqhubeka nokuziphatha, kwaye ukholo lwakhe lwaphela. Eli lithemba loluntu oluninzi oluzama ukulungisa izinto ezingavisisaniyo. Ukuba bayakwazi ukuzikhohlisa ukuba ukulunga ngokwesini kulungile kwaye kulungile, baya kuthi ke baphulukane nokholo okanye benze eyabo, evuma inkanuko yabo. Imizekelo yazo zombini izinto ezinokubakho ayinakubalwa. Umzekelo, umlingisi ongumDatshi owaziwayo, umntu ongumKatolika, okwangoku udlala indima yombingeleli ongumnyhadala "osikelela" izibini eziselula (ngaphandle kobufanasini, ngokwemvelo) kwaye abambe amasiko emingcwabeni yomtshato.

Ke ngoko, kuphakama umbuzo onomdla: kutheni abantu abaninzi besini esinye, amaProtestanti namaKatolika, amadoda nabafazi, benomdla kwimfundiso yezenkolo kwaye behlala bengabalungiseleli okanye ababingeleli? Inxalenye yempendulo ilele kwimfuno yabo engenakuphikwa yoqwalaselo kunye nokusondelelana. Babona inkonzo yecawe njengento emnandi nenenkathalo 'yokhathalelo,' kwaye bazibeka kuye njengabekekileyo kwaye ehloniphekayo, ophakanyiswe ngaphezulu kwabantu abaqhelekileyo. Icawe ibonakala kubo njengehlabathi elinobuhlobo elingenalo ukhuphiswano, apho banokonwabela isikhundla esiphezulu kwaye kwangaxeshanye bakhuseleke. Kumadoda athandana nobungqingili kukho ukhuthazo olongezelelekileyo ngohlobo lwendoda evaliweyo engafunekiyo ukubonisa ukuba bangamadoda. I-Lesbians, nayo, itsala umdla kuluntu lwasetyhini olwahlukileyo, olufana nolwendlu. Ngapha koko, umntu uyayithanda imvisiswano ukuba banxulumana neendlela zokuziphatha kunye neendlela zokuziphatha kwabelusi ezingqinelana nendlela abanobuntu kakhulu nesimilo ngayo. Kwinkolo yama-Katolika kunye ne-Orthodoxy, isinxibo sababingeleli kunye nezinto ezibonisa ubuntu kwizinto ezinesiko zibukeka zinobukhomokazi kwaye ikuvumela ukuba uziveze ngokwakho ngendlela engathandekiyo, enokuthelekiswa nolonwabo oluboniswa ngabadanisi besini esinye.

Kuyathandabuzeka ukuba abantu abathandana nabathandanayo abatshatileyo banokutsala umdla wobubingeleli. Kule meko, kwabo banoluvo lokuba ngabakhoyo, umtsalane ulele kukwamkelwa luluntu, kunye nokukwazi ukubalawula abanye. Okumangalisayo kukuba, ezinye iicawa zobuKristu aziwuthinteli umnqweno wabantu abathandana abathandanayo kwimisebenzi yobubingeleli; kwezinye impucuko zakudala, zakudala, umzekelo, amafanasini adlala indima yobubingeleli.

Ke, umdla onjalo ukhula ikakhulu kwiimbono zokuzingca ezingenanto yakwenza nokholo lobuKristu. Kwaye into yokuba abanye abathandana besini esinye babona "njengobizo" lwenkonzo kukunqwenela ukwaneliseka ngokweemvakalelo, kodwa ngokuzithemba, indlela yokuphila. Oku kubizwa kububuxoki kwaye bubuxoki. Ngokungathandabuzekiyo, aba balungiseleli nababingeleli bashumayela inguqulelo ethambileyo, enobuntu yezimvo zesiko, ngakumbi imigaqo yokuziphatha, kunye nengcinga egqwethekileyo yothando. Ngaphezu koko, bathambekele ekudaleni ubuhlakani obufanasini phakathi kweecawe. Ngokwenza njalo, babeka isoyikiso esifihliweyo kwiimfundiso ezivakalayo kunye nokujongela phantsi umanyano lwecawa kunye nemikhwa yabo yokwenza amaqela atshabalalisayo angazibeki tyala kuluntu olusemthethweni lwecawa (umfundi unokukhumbula ubungqingili "bokwangatshatanga"). Kwelinye icala, bahlala benokulingana kunye namandla okuziqhelanisa nomsebenzi wokufundisa njengotata.

Ngaba ubizo lokwenene luhamba kunye nokuziphatha kobufanasini? Andoyiki ukukuphika ngokupheleleyo oku; Kwiminyaka edlulileyo, ndibone ngaphandle okuhlukeneyo. Kodwa, njengommiselo, ukuqhelana nobungqingili, nokuba uzibonakalisa ngokwenziwa okanye kuboniswa kuphela kubomi beemvakalelo zobuqu, ngokuqinisekileyo kufanele kuthathwe njengobungqina bokungabi ngowona mthombo ubalaseleyo womdla kububingeleli.

6. Indima yonyango

Amagqabantshintshi aqabulayo nge "psychotherapy"

Ukuba andiphazami kuvavanyo lwam, iintsuku ezigqwesileyo "zonyango lwengqondo" zidlulile. Inkulungwane yamashumi amabini yayilixesha leengqondo kunye nonyango lwengqondo. Ezi nzululwazi, ezithembisa ukufumanisa okukhulu kwicandelo lolwazi lomntu kunye neendlela ezintsha zokutshintsha indlela yokuziphatha kunye nokuphilisa iingxaki zengqondo nezifo, kuphakamisa ulindelo olukhulu. Nangona kunjalo, umphumo wawuchasene. Uninzi lwezinto "ezifunyanisiweyo", njengezimvo ezininzi zezikolo zaseFreudian kunye neo-Freudian, ziye zabonakala ziyinkohliso - nokuba basafumana abalandeli babo abaneenkani. Unyango ngengqondo alwenzi ngcono. Ukunyanga kwengqondo (incwadi kaHerink ka-1980 kuluhlu lwezonyango olungaphaya kwama-250) kubonakala ngathi iphelile; nangona ukuziqhelanisa nokunyanga kwengqondo kuye kwamkelwa luluntu- ngokukhawuleza ngokungafanelekanga, kufuneka nditsho-ithemba lokuba liza kuthwala iziphumo ezinkulu liphelile. Amathandabuzo okuqala ayenento yokwenza nokucinga ngengqondo yengqondo. Ngaphambi kweMfazwe yesibini (II) yeHlabathi, ugqirha wengqondo onamava njengoWilhelm Steckel uxelele abafundi bakhe ukuba "ukuba asenzi zinto zintsha ngokwenene, isifo sengqondo siza kutshabalala." Ngeminyaka yoo-60, inkolelo kwiindlela zokwenza unyango ngokwasemphefumlweni yathatyathelwa indawo ngonyango olwalubonakala lunobunzululwazi, kodwa aluzange luphumeze amabango alo. Kukwenzeka into efanayo nakwizikolo ezininzi ezitsha kunye "nobuchule" obuye banconywa njengophumeleleyo kwezenzululwazi, kwaye amaxesha amaninzi kwaneendlela ezilula zokuphilisa nolonwabo. Ngapha koko, uninzi lwazo lwaluneziqhuma "ezishushu" zeengcamango ezindala, zishwankathelwe zajika zangumthombo wenzuzo.

Emva kweithiyori ezininzi ezintle kunye neendlela zaye zapheliswa njengomsi (inkqubo eqhubeka unanamhla), zimbalwa izimvo ezilula kunye neengcinga ngokubanzi ezasalayo. Kancinci, kodwa isekhona into. Ubukhulu becala, sibuyele kulwazi lwemveli kunye nokuqonda kwengqondo, mhlawumbi inzulu kwezinye zeendawo zayo, kodwa ngaphandle kwempumelelo evuselelayo, njengakwifizikiki okanye kwiastronomi. Ewe, kuyacaca ngakumbi ukuba kufuneka "siphinde sifunde kwakhona" iinyaniso ezindala, zivaliwe kukubonakala kokuphakama kweemfundiso ezintsha kwicandelo leengqondo kunye nonyango lwengqondo. Umzekelo, kuya kufuneka uphindele kumbuzo wobukho kunye nokusebenza kwesazela, ukubaluleka kwamaxabiso anje ngesibindi, ukwaneliseka kancinci, umonde, ukuzincama ngokuchasene ne-egocentrism, njl. Ngokuphathelene nokusebenza kweendlela zengqondo, imeko inokuthelekiswa nomzamo wokulungisa ulwimi, kwi sithethile ukusukela ebuntwaneni (kwaye oku kunokwenzeka), okanye ngeendlela zokuyeka ukutshaya: ungaphumelela ukuba uyalwa nomkhwa. Ndisebenzisa igama elithi "umzabalazo" kuba ukuphilisa ngokungummangaliso akulindelekile. Kananjalo, azikho iindlela zokoyisa ubungqingili, apho unokuhlala kamnandi kwimeko yesiqhelo ("undilinge kwaye ndiza kuvusa umntu omtsha"). Iindlela okanye ubuchule buluncedo, kodwa ukusebenza kwazo kuxhomekeke ikakhulu ekuqondeni ngokucacileyo isimilo sakho kunye neenjongo kunye nokuthanda okungagungqiyo.

Isandi esithi "psychotherapy" sinokunika uncedo oluxabisekileyo ekuqondeni imvelaphi kunye nemo yokuziphatha ecaphukisayo yeemvakalelo nezesondo, kodwa ayiboneleli ngezinto ezinokukhokelela kutshintsho lwangoko. Umzekelo, alukho unyango lwepsychotherapy olunokubonelela ngenkululeko epheleleyo, njengoko ezinye "izikolo" zizama ukucinga, ngokuvula iinkumbulo okanye iimvakalelo eziphindeneyo. Kananjalo akunakwenzeka ukuba umfutshane umfutshane ngoncedo lweendlela zokufundisa eziyilwe ngobuchule ngokusekelwe ekuqondweni okutsha kwemithetho yemiyalelo. Endaweni yoko, ukuqonda okuqhelekileyo kunye nokuzola, umsebenzi wemihla ngemihla uyadingeka apha.

Imfuneko yonyango

Ngaba ke iyafuneka ingcali? Ngaphandle kweemeko ezigabadeleyo, umgaqo ekufuneka uwukhumbule kukuba akukho mntu unokuhamba le ndlela yedwa. Ngokwesiqhelo, umntu ozama ukususa i-neurotic complex ufuna umntu oza kumkhokela okanye amyalele. Kwinkcubeko yethu, ugqirha ugxile koku. Ngelishwa, uninzi lwee-psychotherapists azikwazi ukunceda abantu abathandana besisini esinye ukuba boyise ubunzima babo, kuba abanalwazi kwaphela ngobume beli meko kwaye babelana ngekhethe lokuba akukho nto inokwenziwa okanye ayifanele ukwenziwa ngayo. Ke ngoko, kuninzi lwabantu abafuna ukutshintsha, kodwa bangafumani mncedisi oyingcali, "ugqirha" kufuneka abe ngumntu onolwazi oluninzi kunye nolwazi lweziseko zengqondo, onokujonga kwaye abe namava kubantu abakhokelayo. Lo mntu kufuneka abe nengqondo ephucukileyo kwaye akwazi ukwenza unxibelelwano lokuthembela (ingxelo). Okokuqala, yena ngokwakhe kufuneka abe ngumntu olungeleleneyo, osempilweni ngokwengqondo nangokokuziphatha. Oku kunokuba ngumfundisi, umfundisi okanye omnye umphathiswa wecawe, ugqirha, utitshala, unontlalontle- nangona le misebenzi ingakuqinisekisi ukubakho kwetalente yonyango. Kulabo bahlupheke ngobufanasini, ndingacebisa ukucela umntu onje ukuba abakhokele kubo abaya kubona kubo ezi mpawu zingasentla. Vumela umntu onyanga ngokuzithandela ukuba azibone njengomdala-umncedisi ongumhlobo, utata othe, ngaphandle kokuzenzisa, wakhokelwa ngobukrelekrele yingqondo yakhe kunye nengqondo yakhe. Ngaphandle kwamathandabuzo, kuyakufuneka afunde ukuba yintoni ubufanasini, kwaye ndimnika lo mbandela ukomeleza ukuqonda kwakhe. Akucebisi, nangona kunjalo, ukuba ufunde iincwadi ezininzi ngalo mbandela, kuba uninzi loncwadi luyalahlekisa.

"Umthengi" ufuna umphathi. Kufuneka akhulule iimvakalelo zakhe, avakalise iingcinga zakhe, abalise ibali lobomi bakhe. Kuya kufuneka axoxe malunga nendlela ubufanano bakhe obakhula ngayo, nendlela esebenza ngayo inzima. Kufuneka ikhuthazwe kumzabalazo wendlela, ukuzola nokuzola; Kuya kufuneka ujonge indlela aqhubela phambili ngayo kumlo wakhe. Wonke umntu ofunda ukudlala isixhobo somculo uyazi ukuba izifundo rhoqo zibalulekile. Utitshala uyacacisa, alungisa, akhuthaze; umfundi wenza isifundo emva kwesifundo. Kunjalo nangalo naluphi na uhlobo unyango lweengqondo.

Ngamanye amaxesha ubufanasini banceda abanye boyise iingxaki zabo. Banokufumana ithuba lokuba bazi kuqala ukuba bangaphakathi ebomini kunye nobungqingili. Ngapha koko, ukuba ngokwenene batshintshe ngokupheleleyo, ke kubahlobo babo ithuba elikhuthazayo lokutshintsha. Nangona kunjalo, andisoloko ndibonisa inzondelelo ngesisombululo esifanayo, ngokungathandabuzekiyo sineenjongo ezintle kumbuzo wonyango. I-neurosis efana nobufanasini sele inokoyiswa ukuya kwinqanaba elikhulu, kodwa iindlela ezahlukeneyo ze-neurotic kunye neendlela zokucinga, singasathethi ke ngokubuyela umva, zisenokuhlala ixesha elide. Kwiimeko ezinjalo, umntu akafanele azame kwangoko kakhulu ukuba abe yingcali yonyango; Phambi kokuba iqalise into enjalo, umntu kufuneka aphile iminyaka emihlanu ubuncinci kwimeko yenguqu epheleleyo yangaphakathi, kubandakanya nokufumana iimvakalelo zesini esinye. Nangona kunjalo, njengomthetho, ngoyena mntu ungowobufanasini onobuchule obukhethekileyo bokuvuselela ubungqingili kumthengi wabantu abathandanayo, kuba abo bangenangxaki yokuchonga umntu obhinqileyo bangakhuthaza ukuzithemba kwamadoda phakathi kwabasweleyo. Ukongeza, umnqweno "wokuphilisa" abanye kunokuba yindlela yokuzivuma komntu othintela umsebenzi onzima kuye. Kwaye ngamanye amaxesha, umnqweno ofihliweyo wokuqhubeka nonxibelelwano kunye "nendawo yobomi" yesini inokuthi idityaniswe ngenjongo enyanisekileyo yokunceda abo bafumana ubunzima aqhelene nabo.

Ndikhankanyile i-Therapist- "utata" okanye isekela lakhe. Kuthekani ngabafazi? Andiqondi ukuba abasetyhini banokuba yeyona ndlela ilungileyo yokwenza olu hlobo lonyango kubantu abadala, nditsho nakubathengi abathandanayo. Iincoko ezinyanisekileyo kunye nenkxaso evela kubahlobo abangamantombazana kunye nabacebisi kunokuba luncedo; Nangona kunjalo, umsebenzi omde (weminyaka) wokuqina kunye nokungaguquguquki kwesikhokelo kunye nolwalathiso kubufanasini kufuna ubukho bomntu ongutata. Andiluthathi olu calucalulo kwabasetyhini, kuba ukufundisa kunye nokukhulisa kubandakanya izinto ezimbini-eyindoda nebhinqa. Umama ungutitshala othe ngqo, othe ngqo, nonomvakalelo. Utata uyinkokeli ngakumbi, umqeqeshi, umcebisi, umkhala kunye namandla. Abanyangi ababhinqileyo bafaneleke ngakumbi kunyango lwabantwana kunye namantombazana afikisayo, kunye namadoda kolu hlobo lokufundisa olufuna iimpawu zobunkokeli besilisa. Cinga ngento yokuba xa utata engekho kunye namandla akhe obudoda, oomama bahlala befumana ubunzima ekukhuliseni oonyana (kwaye bahlala beyintombi!) Kulutsha nakwishumi elivisayo.

7. Ukuzazi

Uphuhliso lwabantwana kunye nolutsha

Ukuzazi wena, okokuqala, Injongo Ulwazi lweempawu zabo zobuntu, okt iinjongo zabo zokuziphatha, imikhwa, iimbono; ungasazi njani nezinye, basazi kakuhle, ngokungathi bajonga ecaleni. Ingaphezulu kwethu. -enzekile amava emvakalelo. Ukuziqonda ngokwakhe, umntu kufuneka ayazi nengqondo yakhe yangaphambili, abe nembono ecace gca ngendlela umlingiswa wakhe ophuhliswe ngayo, yintoni amandla endlela yakhe.

Kusenokwenzeka ukuba umfundi onotyekelo lobufanasini ngokuzenzekelayo alungelelanise okuninzi kunye naye, njengoko kuxoxwe kwizahluko ezidlulileyo. Umfundi ofuna ukuzisebenzisa ngokwakhe ezi mbono, ukuba abe ngugqirha wezonyango, uya kuba luncedo, nangona kunjalo, ukujonga imbali yakhe yengqondo ngendlela engaphaya. Ukulungiselela le njongo, ndicebisa le mibuzo ilandelayo.

Kungcono ubhale phantsi iimpendulo zakho; enkosi koku, iingcinga ziyacaca kwaye zichane ngakumbi. Emva kweeveki ezimbini, jonga iimpendulo zakho kwaye ulungise into ocinga ukuba kufuneka itshintshiwe. Ukuqonda obunye ubudlelwane kuhlala kulula ukuba uvumela imibuzo ukuba 'ikhule' engqondweni yakho okwethutyana.

Imbali yezonyango (imbali yakho yengqondo)

1. Chaza ubudlelwane bakho notata wakho ekukhuleni kwakho. Ungayichaza njani: ukusondelelana, inkxaso, ukuzazisa [notata wakho], njl. ukwahlukaniswa, ukungcikivwa, ukusilela ukwazisa, uloyiko, intiyo okanye ukudelela utata; umnqweno wokubonisa uvelwano kunye nengqwalaselo, njl. Bhala phantsi iimpawu ezifanelekileyo kulwalamano lwakho, ukuba kukho imfuneko, yongeza izinto ezilahlekileyo kolu luhlu lufutshane. Kuya kufuneka wenze umahluko kumaxesha athile okukhula kwakho, umzekelo: “Ngaphambi kokufikisa (malunga neminyaka eyi-12-14), ubudlelwane bethu babungu ...; ke, nangona kunjalo ... ".

2. Ndicinga ntoni (ngakumbi ngexesha lokufikisa / lokufikisa) utata wayecinga ngam? Lo mbuzo unxulumene nembono yakho koluvo lukayihlo ngawe. Impendulo, umzekelo, inokuba yile: "Wayengenamdla kum," "Wayendixabisile kunabantakwethu (oodade)," "Wayendithanda," "ndandingunyana wakhe amthandayo," njl.

3. Chaza ubudlelwane bakho ngoku kunye naye nendlela oziphatha ngayo naye. Umzekelo, ingaba nisondelelene, ngaba nithandana, kulula kangakanani kuni nobabini, nokuba niyahloniphana, njl. okanye unobutshaba, uxakekile, uyacaphuka, uyaxabana, uyoyika, ukude, uyabanda, uyazingca, uyaliwa, usukuzwano, njl. Chaza ubudlelwane bakho obuqhelekileyo notata wakho kunye nendlela oqhele ukuyibonisa ngayo.

4. Chaza iimvakalelo zakho ngomama wakho, ubudlelwane bakho naye ebuntwaneni nasebudeni bokufikisa (impendulo inokwahlulwa). Nokuba banobuhlobo, bashushu, basondele, bazolile, njl. okanye ngaba babenyanzelekile, besoyike, behlukanisiwe, bepholile, njl. Cokisa impendulo yakho ngokukhetha ezo mpawu ucinga ukuba ziqhelekile kuwe.

5. Ucinga ukuba umama wakho wayeziva njani ngawe (ebuntwaneni nasebusheni?) Wayecinga ntoni ngawe? Umzekelo, ngaba wakubona njengenkwenkwe okanye intombazana “eqhelekileyo”, okanye wakuphatha ngendlela ekhethekileyo, njengomhlobo osenyongweni, isilwanyana sasekhaya, umntwana wakhe ongumzekelo?

6. Chaza ubudlelwane bakho ngoku nomama wakho (jonga umbuzo 3).

7. Wakukhulisa njani utata wakho (okanye utatomkhulu, utat'omncinci)? Umzekelo, ukukhusele, akuxhase, ukhuthaza uqeqesho, ukuzithemba, inkululeko, ukuthembeka; okanye ukukhuliswa kuye kwahamba nokugxadazelela nokungoneliseki okuninzi, ngokuqatha, wohlwaya kakhulu, wafuna, wanyelisa; wakuphatha nzima okanye uthambile, wakuthakazelisa, wakuthambisa wakuphatha okosana? Yongeza naluphi na uphawu olungekho kolu luhlu oluya kuchaza imeko yakho.

8. Zeziphi iindlela athe umama wakho wakukhulisa ngazo? (Jonga iimpawu kumbuzo 7).

9. Utata wakho wakuphatha njani kwaye wakuphatha njani ngokwesini sakho? Ngokhuthazo, ukuqonda, kwenkwenkwe njengenkwenkwe kunye nentombazana eyintombazana, okanye ngaphandle kokuhlonipha, ngaphandle kokuqonda, ngokukhalaza, nokudelela?

10. Umama wakho wakukhathalela kwaye wakuphatha njani ngokwesini sakho? (Jonga umbuzo 9)

11. Bangaphi abantakwenu (ungumntwana kuphela; owokuqala kubantwana aba-__, owesibini kwabangu-__ abantwana; owokugqibela ko-__ wabantwana, njl. Oku kuchaphazele njani imeko yakho yengqondo kunye nesimo sengqondo kuwe kusapho? Umzekelo, umntwana ongasekhoyo ukhuselwe ngakumbi kwaye uyaphathwa; Indawo yenkwenkwe ekuphela kwayo phakathi kwamantombazana aliqela kunye nesimo sengqondo kuye, kunokwenzeka, sahlukile kwisikhundla sabadala kubazalwana abaliqela kunye nesimo sengqondo kuye, njl.

12. Uzithelekise njani nabazalwana (ukuba uyindoda) okanye oodade (ukuba ungumfazi)? Ngaba wakhe waziva ukuba utata okanye umama wakho wakhetha ngaphezu kwabo, ukuba "ungcono" kunabo ngenxa yesakhono esithile, okanye ukuba ungabalulekanga?

13. Ubuthelekise njani ubudoda okanye ubufazi bakho xa uthelekiswa nabantakwenu (ukuba uyindoda) okanye oodade (ukuba ungumfazi)?

14. Ngaba ubunabahlobo besini sakho njengomntwana? Sasiyintoni isikhundla sakho phakathi koontanga bakho besini? Umzekelo, ngaba ubunabahlobo abaninzi, ngaba uyahlonitshwa, ngaba uyinkokeli, njalo njalo, okanye ubuphandle, ungumlingisi, njl.

15. Ngaba ubunabahlobo besini sakho ngexesha lokufikisa? (jonga umbuzo 14).

Chaza ubudlelwane bakho nabesini esahlukileyo ngexesha lokufikisa kunye nokufikisa, ngokulandelelana (umzekelo, akukho buhlobo okanye ngokukodwa abesini esahlukileyo, njl.

17. Emadodeni: wawudlala njengamajoni, emfazweni, njalo njalo. Abafazi: ukhe wadlala ngoonopopi, ngezinto zokudlala ezithambileyo?

18. Kumadoda: wawunomdla kwiHockey okanye kwibhola ekhatywayo? Ngaba ukhe wadlala ngoonopopi? Ngaba unomdla kwimpahla? Nceda uchaze ngokweenkcukacha.

Abasetyhini: ngaba unomdla kwiimpahla zokuthambisa kunye nezithambiso? Ngaba uyikhethile imidlalo yobudoda? Chaza ngokweenkcukacha.

19. Njengomntu ofikisayo, ngaba ubukhe ulwe, "uthethe," ukhe wazama ukuzimela, ngokuphakathi, okanye ngokuchaseneyo?

20. Zeziphi ezona zinto uzithandayo kunye nomdla wakho njengomntu ofikisayo?

21. Wawubona njani umzimba wakho (okanye amalungu alo), inkangeleko yakho (umzekelo, wawubona umhle okanye ungathandeki)? Chaza ngokuthe ngqo ukuba zeziphi iimpawu zomzimba ezikucaphukisayo (umzobo, impumlo, amehlo, ubudoda okanye amabele, ukuphakama, ukutyeba okanye ukutyeba, njl.

22. Wawubona njani umzimba / imbonakalo yakho malunga nobudoda okanye ubufazi?

23. Ukhe wakhubazeka ngokwasemzimbeni okanye izifo?

24. Yayinjani imeko yakho yesiqhelo ebuntwaneni nasemva kokufikisa? Uyonwabile, ulusizi, uyatshintsha, okanye uhlala uhleli?

25. Ukhe wanamaxesha akhethekileyo okulilolo ngaphakathi okanye uxinzelelo kubuntwana okanye kwinqanaba lokufikisa? Ukuba kunjalo, eneminyaka emingaphi? Kwaye uyazi ukuba kutheni?

26. Ngaba ubunokungaphantsi komgangatho wobuntwana okanye wokufikisa? Ukuba kunjalo, ngawaphi amacandelo okhe waziva uphantsi?

27. Ungachaza ukuba wawungumntwana / umntwana ofikisayo onjani kwindlela owawuziphethe ngayo nangotyekelo lwakho ngexesha apho ukuziva kwakho ungaphantsi kwakuvakala kuwe? Umzekelo: "bendililolo, ndingazimeli kuwo wonke umntu, ndirhoxile, ndinentando" kwangaxeshanye ebekhetha "," ndizamile ukuziqinisa, ndafuna ingqalelo "," bendisoloko ndizama ukukholisa, ndincume kwaye ndibonakala ndonwabile ngaphandle, kodwa ngaphakathi bendingonwabanga "," bendiyinto yokuhlekisa kwabanye "," bendithobela kakhulu " yayiligwala "," bendiyinkokheli "," bendinolawulo ", njl. Zama ukukhumbula ezona zinto zibalulekileyo zobuntu bakho ebuntwaneni okanye ebusheni.

28. Yintoni enye, ngaphandle koku, eyadlala indima ebalulekileyo ebuntwaneni bakho kunye / okanye ebusheni bakho?

Ngokuphathelele ubufanasini amabali, le mibuzo ilandelayo iza kukunceda:

29. Ubuneminyaka emingaphi ubudala owathi waziva uthabatheka nomntu wesini sakho?

30. Yayinjani imbonakalo yakhe kunye nesimilo sakhe? Chaza eyona nto ikutsalele kuye.

31. Phantse ukuba wawuneminyaka emingaphi ukuqala kwakho ukuba notyekelo lokuthanda ubufanasini okanye umbono oqinisekileyo? (Impendulo ingafana nempendulo yombuzo wama-29, kodwa ungayikhetha.)

32. Ngubani odla ngokuvusa umdla wakho ngokwesondo ngokweminyaka, iimpawu zangaphandle okanye ezobuqu, indlela oziphethe ngayo, indlela onxiba ngayo? Imizekelo yamadoda: abantu abancinci abaneminyaka eli-16 ukuya kwengama-30 ubudala, amakhwenkwe angaphambi kwexesha lokufikisa, amabhinqa / amadoda / iimbaleki, amadoda asemkhosini, amadoda amade, ii-blondes okanye ii-brunettes, abantu abadumileyo, abanesidima, "abakrwada", njl. Ubudala ___; abasetyhini abaneminyaka ephakathi abanempawu ezithile; abafazi abakwiminyaka yam; njl.

33. Ukuba oku kuyasebenza kuwe, kukangaphi uphulula amaphambili njengomntu ofikisayo? Kwaye kamva?

34. Ukhe ube neminqweno engafaniyo neyesini esahlukileyo, kunye okanye ngaphandle kokuphulula amalungu esini?

35. Ukhe waziva iimvakalelo ezingamanyala okanye ukuthandana nomntu wesini esahlukileyo?

36. Ngaba zikho izinto ezingaqhelekanga kwizenzo zakho zesondo okanye kwimibono yakho (ukujonga ngamehlo, ubundlobongela, njlnjl.)? Ngokufutshane nangokuthintela chaza ukuba yeyiphi iminqweno okanye kukuziphatha kwabantu okukunandiphayo, kuba oku kuyakunceda ekuchongeni ezo ndawo uziva ungaphantsi.

37. Emva kokuqwalasela nokuphendula le mibuzo, bhala imbali emfutshane yobomi bakho, eneziganeko ezibaluleke kakhulu neziganeko zangaphakathi zobuntwana bakho kunye nokufikisa.

Ndithini namhlanje

Eli candelo lokwazi kwakho kubaluleke kakhulu; ukuqonda kwengqondo yakhe, ekuxoxwe ngayo kumhlathi odlulileyo, kubaluleke kakhulu kuphela njengoko kunceda ukuziqonda namhlanje, okt imikhwa yanamhlanje, iimvakalelo, kwaye, okona kubaluleke kakhulu, izizathu ezinxulumene nobungqingili.

Ukuze unyango luphumelele (self-) kunyanzelekile, ukuba umntu aqale ukuzibona ekukhanya, njengomntu osazi kakuhle ukuba usibona. Ngapha koko umbono wecala ihlala ibaluleke kakhulu, ngakumbi ukuba lumbono wabo bathatha inxaxheba nathi kwimicimbi yemihla ngemihla. Banokuvula amehlo ethu kwimikhwa okanye kwindlela esingaziboni ngayo, okanye esingasayi kuze siyamkele. Le yindlela yokuqala yokuzazi: yamkela kwaye uhlalutye ngenyameko izimvo zabanye, kubandakanya nezo ungazithandiyo.

Indlela yesibini - Ukuzijonga ngokwakho... Kuqwalaselwe okokuqala, kwiziganeko zangaphakathi-iimvakalelo, iingcinga, iingcinga, iinjongo, iinjongo; Okwesibini, kukuziphatha kwangaphandle. Ngokubhekisele kokugqibela, singazama ukubonisa indlela esiziphethe ngayo ngokungathi sizijonga ngokungagungqiyo, ngaphandle, kude. Ewe, ukuzibona kwangaphakathi kunye nokubonisa indlela oziphethe ngayo ngamehlo wombukeli wangaphandle ziinkqubo ezinxulumene noko.

Ukuzihlaziya, njengonyango oluqhelekileyo lwengqondo, kuqala ngexesha lokuzijonga, elihlala iiveki ezimbini. Kuya kuba yinto elungileyo ukuba urekhode rhoqo oku kuqaphelekileyo (nangona kunganyanzelekanga yonke imihla, kuphela xa kukho into ebalulekileyo eyenzekayo). Kufuneka zirekhodwe ngokuthintela kunye nokungaguquguquki. Yenza incwadana yokubhala ekhethekileyo yezi njongo kwaye wenze umkhwa wokurekhoda okubonileyo, kunye nemibuzo okanye iingcinga ezibalulekileyo. Ukurekhoda ukuqaphela kunye nokuqonda. Ngaphezu koko, ikuvumela ukuba ufunde amanqaku akho ngaphambi kwexesha, athi, kumava amaninzi, ancede ukuqonda ezinye izinto nangcono kunokuba zibhalwe nje.

Yintoni efanele irekhodwe kwidayari yokuzijonga ngokwakho? Khusela ukukhala, ukugcina "incwadi yesikhalazoMsgstr ". Abantu abanemvakalelo ye-neurotic bavame ukubonisa ukungoneliseki, kwaye ke bahlala bezisizela kwidayari yokuzijonga. Ukuba emva kwexesha elithile, ngelixa ufunda amanqaku kwakhona, bayaqonda ukuba bayakhalaza, ke le yimpumelelo ecacileyo. Kuya kuvela ukuba ngokuzithandela bazisizela ngokwabo ngexesha lokurekhoda, baya kuthi kamva bazifumanise: “Heke, ndiyazisola!”

Nangona kunjalo, kungcono ukuba ubhale phantsi impilo yakho enkenenkene ngolu hlobo: chaza ngokufutshane iimvakalelo zakho, kodwa ungayeki apho, kodwa yongeza umzamo wokubonisa. Umzekelo, emva kokubhala phantsi: "Ndaziva ndibuhlungu kwaye ndingaqondwa kakuhle," zama ukucinga ngokuchanekileyo malunga nalo: Ndiziphathe njengomntwana "okanye" Ukuzingca kwam njengomntwana kwakubuhlungu kuyo yonke le nto, "njalo njalo.

Idayari inokusetyenziselwa ukurekhoda izimvo ezize ngokungalindelekanga. Izigqibo ezenziwe zezinye izinto ezibalulekileyo, ngakumbi kuba ukuzibhala phantsi kubanika ukuqiniseka okukhulu kunye nokuqina. Nangona kunjalo, ukubhala iimvakalelo, iingcinga, kunye nokuziphatha kuphela kwendlela yokufikelela esiphelweni, oko kukuthi, ukuziqonda ngcono ngokwakho. Ukucinga kukwayimfuneko, okukhokelela ekugqibeleni ekuqondeni okungcono kweenjongo zakho, iimpembelelo (ngakumbi ubuntwana okanye umlinganiso).

Yintoni ekufuneka uyijongile

Ukuzazi kufezekiswa ngokuthathela ingqalelo iimvakalelo kunye neengcinga zabo, ezingathandekiyo kunye / okanye ezonwabisayo. Xa bephakama, buza ngesizathu sabo, ukuba bathetha ntoni, kutheni uziva nje.

Iimvakalelo ezingalunganga zibandakanya: isizungu, ukwaliwa, ukulahlwa, ukukhathazeka, ukuthotywa isidima, ukungakhathali, ukonqena, ukungakhathali, usizi okanye uxinzelelo, unxunguphalo, uvalo, uloyiko kunye noxinzelelo, iimvakalelo zentshutshiso, ingqumbo, ukucaphuka nomsindo, umona nomona, ubukrakra, ukulangazelela (umntu), ingozi ezayo, amathandabuzo, njl.

Iimvakalelo ezinxulumene nobunzima be-neurotic zihlala zinxulunyaniswa neemvakalelo. ukungafanelekixa abantu bengekho kulawulo lwabo, xa "umhlaba usibalela phantsi kweenyawo zabo." Kutheni ndizive ndinje? Kubaluleke kakhulu ukuba uzibuze: "Ngaba impendulo yam esiswini ifana" nomntwana "? Kwaye "ngaba 'ihlwempu lam' alizibonakalisanga apha?" Ewe kunjalo, enyanisweni, kuvela ukuba uninzi lweemvakalelo zibangelwa kukungoneliseki kwabantwana, ukonzakaliswa likratshi, ukuzisizela. Isiphetho esilandelayo: "Ngaphakathi, andiphenduli njengendoda okanye umfazi okhulileyo, kodwa ngokungathi ngumntwana, intombazana ekwishumi elivisayo." Kwaye ukuba uzama ukuthelekelela inkangeleko yobuso bakho, isandi selizwi lakho, umbono owenze kwabanye ngokubonisa iimvakalelo zakho, uya kuba nakho ukubona ngokucacileyo "umntwana ongaphakathi" owawunguye. Kwezinye iimpendulo zeemvakalelo kunye nokuziphatha, kulula ukubona indlela yokuziphatha komntwana, kodwa ngamanye amaxesha kunzima ukuqonda ubuntwana kwezinye iimvakalelo ezimbi okanye iimpembelelo, nangona zibonwa njengeziphazamisayo, ezingafunekiyo, okanye ezingafunekiyo. Ukungoneliseki sesona salathisi siqhelekileyo sokuziphatha kweentsana, kuhlala kubonisa ukuzisizela.

Kodwa ukwahlulahlula njani ukungoneliseki okungapheliyo kokuqhelekileyo, okwaneleyo, kumdala?

1. Ukuzisola okungaphelelanga usana kunye nokungoneliseki akunxulunyaniswa nokuzithemba.

2. Bona, njengomthetho, abaphoseli mntu ngaphandle kwemali, kwaye uzigcina elawula.

3. Ngaphandle kweemeko ezingaqhelekanga, azihambi kunye neemvakalelo ezigqithileyo.

Kwelinye icala, ezinye iindlela zokuphendula zinokudibanisa zombini izinto ezingenangqondo kunye nezabantu abadala. Ukuphoxeka, ukuphulukana, ingqumbo kunokuba buhlungu ngokwabo, nokuba umntu uthe waziphatha ebuntwaneni. Ukuba umntu akaqondi ukuba impendulo yakhe ivela "emntwaneni" nokuba yeyiphi na, kungangcono ukuba ushiye eso sehlo okwethutyana. Oku kuyacaca ukuba ubuyela kuyo emva kwexesha elithile.

Okulandelayo, kufuneka ufunde ngenyameko indlela yakho isimilo Oko kukuthi, iimodeli zesimo sengqondo ebantwini: umnqweno wokukholisa wonke umntu, ubunkani, ubundlobongela, ukukrokra, ukuzingca, ukubambelela, ukuxhasa okanye ukufuna ukhuseleko, ukuxhomekeka ebantwini, ukungakhathali, ubungqongqo, ukuqina, ukungakhathali, ukugxeka, ubuqhetseba, ubundlongondlongo, uloyiko, ukuthintela okanye ukucaphukisa ungquzulwano, ukutyekela ekuphikiseni, ukuzincoma nokuzicengezela, isimilo somdlalo weqonga, ukuqhayisa nokufuna ukuziqwalasela (ngeendlela ezininzi), njl njl. makwenziwe umahluko apha. Ukuziphatha kunokwahluka ngokuxhomekeke kubani esijolise kuye: abantu besini esifanayo okanye esahlukileyo; amalungu osapho, abahlobo okanye abantu osebenza nabo; kumanqanaba aphezulu okanye asezantsi; kubantu ongabaziyo okanye oqhelene nabo kakuhle. Bhala phantsi okuqaphelayo, ucacise ukuba loluphi uhlobo lonxibelelwano lwasentlalweni. Chaza ukuba yeyiphi indlela yokuziphatha exhaphake kuwe "nakumntwana" wakho.

Enye yeenjongo zokuzijonga ngokwakho kukuchonga iindima edlalwa ngumntu. Kwiimeko ezininzi, ezi ziindima zokuziqinisekisa kunye nokubamba ingqalelo. Umntu unokulinganisa umntu ophumeleleyo, oqondayo, odibana naye, iqhawe lentlekele, umntu onengxaki yokugula, ongakwaziyo ukunceda, ongafezekanga, obaluleke kakhulu, njl. Njl. Ukudlala indima, ukutyhila ubuntwana bangaphakathi, kuthetha inqanaba elithile lokungazithembi kunye nemfihlakalo kwaye unokubeka umda kubuxoki.

Ukuziphatha ngomlomo iyakwazi nokubalisa okuninzi ngomntu. Elona ithoni yelizwi liphethe ulwazi oluninzi. Omnye umfana watsalela ingqalelo kwindlela awayewatolikela ngayo amagama, ebabiza kabuhlungu. Ngenxa yokujonga phambili, waqukumbela: "Ndicinga ukuba ngokungazi ndicinga ukubonakala komntwana obuthathaka, ukuzama ukubeka abanye isikhundla sokuba ngabantu abadala abaqondayo nabaqondayo." Enye indoda yaqaphela ukuba, xa iyithetha ngaye nangobomi bayo, yayidla ngokuthetha ngendlela eyothusayo, kwaye enyanisweni yayidla ngokuphendula ngokudabukisayo uninzi lweziganeko zixhaphakileyo.

Ukujonga Umxholo yentetho yakhe. Ukungavuthwa kwe-neurotic phantse kuhlala kuzibonakalisa kutyekelo lwezikhalazo-ngomlomo nangolunye uhlobo-malunga neziqu zakho, malunga neemeko, malunga nabanye, ngobomi ngokubanzi. Kwiincoko nakwimilo yabantu abaninzi abane-neurosis yobufanasini, inani elibalulekileyo lokuzibona ngokubonakalayo liyaqapheleka: "Xa ndindwendwela abahlobo, ndingathetha ngam ngaphezulu kweyure," omnye wabathengi wavuma. "Kwaye xa befuna ukundixelela ngam, ingqalelo yam iyabhadula, kwaye kunzima ukuba ndibamamele." Lo mbono awukhethi. Ukuzicingela wedwa kuhambisana nokubethabethana, kwaye uninzi lweencoko zabantu "be-neurocissistic" ziphela kwizikhalazo. Rekhoda ezinye zeencoko zakho eziqhelekileyo kwiteyiphu kwaye uzimamele kathathu-le yinkqubo engathandekiyo kwaye efundisayo!

Olona phononongo lwakho isimo sengqondo kubazali kunye neengcinga ngabo... Ngokubhekisele "kumntwana" oziphetheyo, indlela aziphethe ngayo kule meko inokubonakaliswa kukuncamathela, ukuvukela, ukucekisa, umona, ukwahlukana, ukufuna ingqalelo okanye ukuncoma, ukuxhomekeka, ukukhetha, njl. ) akusekho: ukunamathela ngokugqithileyo okanye ubutshaba kunye nokungcikivwa! Yahlula phakathi kobudlelwane bakho notata wakho nonyoko. Khumbula ukuba "u-ego wobuntwana" phantse ufumaneke kubudlelwane nabazali, nokuba kukuziphatha kwangaphandle okanye kwiingcinga kunye neemvakalelo.

Kufuneka kuqatshelwe okufanayo malunga nabo ubudlelwane kunye neqabane, iqabane elinobungqingili, okanye umntu ophambili kwiminqweno yakho... Imikhwa emininzi yabantwana ifumaneka kule ndawo yokugqibela: ukufuna ingqalelo yabantwana, ukudlala indima, ukubambelela; Izidalwa ezikhobokisayo, ezikhohlisayo, ezenziwa ngumona, njl. njl. Nyaniseka kakhulu kuwe ngokwakho kule ndawo, kuba kulapho (kuyaqondakala) umnqweno wokukhanyela, ungaziboni iinjongo ezithile, ukuthethelela kufunyenwe.

Ngokuphathelele nam, qaphela ukuba zeziphi iingcinga malunga nawe onazo (zombini ezigwenxa nezintle). Qaphela ukuzigwagwisa, ukuzigxeka, ukugweba, ukuziva ungaphantsi, njlnjl. iingcinga, iingcinga ezintle kunye neemvakalelo. Ngaba uyakwazi ukubona iimvakalelo, ulwaneliseko ngaphakathi kuwe? Ngaba kukho ukuntywiliselwa kwindawo yokuzisizela? Okanye kunokwenzeka umnqweno wokuzibhubhisa kunye nokuziphatha? (Eyokugqibela yaziwa ngokuba yi "psychic masochism," Oko kukuthi, ukuzenzakalisa ngabom okuza kwenzakalisa ngabom, okanye ukuntywiliselwa kukuzivisa ngokwakho okanye ukufumana ngabom ukubandezeleka).

Ngokuphathelele isini, cinga ngeminqweno yakho emihle kwaye uzame ukumilisela inkangeleko, imilo okanye iimpawu zobuqu ezivuselela umdla wakho kwiqabane lokwenyani nelingacingelwanga. Emva koko ulungelelanise neemvakalelo zakho zokungathobeki ngokungqinelana nomgaqo: into esitsalela abanye kuthi kanye le nto siyibona ngathi iphantsi. Zama ukubona ukuthandwa kwabantwana okanye ukunqulwa kwezithixo ngombono wakho wokuba "ngabahlobo". Kwakhona zama ukubona imizamo ngokuthelekisa enye Indoda yesini sakho ekutsaleni kwayo kuye nakulo kubuhlungu imvakalelo edityaniswa nenkanuko yenyama. Ngapha koko, le mvakalelo ibuhlungu okanye inkanuko yimvakalelo yobuntwana: "Andifani naye (yena)" kwaye, ngokufanelekileyo, isikhalazo okanye umntu osentlungwini odandathekileyo: "Ndifuna ukuba andithathele ingqalelo, lihlwempu, sidalwa esingabalulekanga!" Nangona kungekho lula kangako ukuhlalutya iimvakalelo zothando "homoerotic", nangona kunjalo kubalulekile ukuqonda ubukho bezizathu zokuzinceda, ukukhangela umhlobo onothando kwezi mvakalelo. zam, njengomntwana ofuna ukuba bonke abantu bamxabise. Qaphela kwakhona ukuba zeziphi izizathu zengqondo ezibangela ukuba ube nomnqweno wesini okanye umnqweno wokuhambisa iphaneli. Rhoqo ezi ziimvakalelo zokungoneliseki kunye nokuphoxeka, ngenxa yoko iminqweno yesini inomsebenzi wokuthuthuzela "isiqu sakho esingesihle."

Ngaphezu koko, kufuneka unakeuyenza njani "indima" yendoda okanye yomfazi. Jonga ukubona ukuba zikho na izinto ezibonakalisa uloyiko kunye nokuthintelwa kwemisebenzi kunye nezinto onomdla kuzo ngokwesini sakho, nokuba uziva uphantsi na ngokwenza njalo. Ngaba unayo imikhwa kunye nezinto onomdla ongahambelani ngazo nesini sakho? Ezi zinto zinomdla wokuziphatha ngokwesini okanye ezesini kunye nezokuziphatha zizezona zibalulekileyo iindima, kwaye ukuba uzijongisisa kakuhle, ungakuqonda ukungoyiki okanye iimvakalelo zokujongela phantsi. Oku kungalingani ngokwesini kunokuthetha ngokuxoka kunye nokungazinzi. Umzekelo, omnye umfazi waqonda ukuba iindlela zakhe zokufuna nokuzibiza “zifana” neendlela zokuziqinisekisa ebusheni bakhe, apho waguqukela khona ngenjongo yokufumana indawo yakhe phakathi kwabantu, esithi “ayisiyonto yakhe”. Le ndima, ngoku imeko yakhe yesibini (igama elichanekileyo), iye yaba yindlela yakhe yobuntwana "nam." Omnye umntu othandana nomntu ongatshatanga naye oziphethe kakuhle wafumanisa ukuba uhlala exakekile kukuziphatha kwakhe. Le ndlela yesetyhini, njengoko wayeyiqonda, yayinxulumana ngokusondeleyo neemvakalelo ezinamandla kunye ngokubanzi zokuziva uphantsi kunye nokungazithembi okuqhelekileyo. Enye indoda yafunda ukwamkela ukuba indlela yakhe yobufazi yokuziphatha inxulumana nobudlelwane ezimbini ezahlukeneyo: ukoneliseka kokunandipha isidima sendima yendoda entle, intombazana encinci. kwaye uloyiko (ukuziva ungaphantsi) kokufumana ukuzithemba kwesibindi.

Kuya kuthatha ixesha ngaphambi kokuba ufunde ukungena nzulu kuwe. Ngendlela, imikhwa yokuwela ngokwesini ihlala ibonakaliswa kwizinwele, iimpahla kunye neendlela ezahlukeneyo zokuthetha, izijekulo, indlela yokuhamba, indlela yokuhleka, njl.

Kuya kufuneka ujonge indlela yakho sebenza... Ngaba uyawenza umsebenzi wakho wemihla ngemihla ngokungathandabuziyo, okanye ngolonwabo namandla? Ngoxanduva? Okanye ngaba yindlela yakho yokuziqinisekisa? Ngaba umphatha ngokungafanelekanga, nokungoneliseki okugqithisileyo?

Emva kwexesha elithile lokungena, shwankathela ezona mpawu zibalulekileyo kunye neenjongo zentsana yakho, okanye "umntwana ongaphakathi." Kwiimeko ezininzi, isihloko sisenokuba luncedo: "Inkwenkwe engenakuzinceda, esoloko ifuna ukwenzelwa inceba nenkxaso" okanye "Intombazana ekhubekisayo engaqondwa mntu", njl. Amatyala athile akudala okanye angoku angabonisa ngokucacileyo iimpawu zaloo "nkwenkwe" okanye " amantombazana ". Ezo nkumbulo zivela ngohlobo lomfanekiso ophilayo kunye nokuthatha inxaxheba "komntwana wakho kwakudala" kwaye unokumbonisa kwangoko. Ke ngoko, sinokubaphatha njengeenkumbulo eziphambili. Banokuba luncedo olukhulu ngexesha apho kufanelekileyo ukubona lo "mntwana" kwindlela yabo yokuziphatha yangoku yobuntwana okanye xa le ndlela yokuziphatha kufuneka ichaswe. Olu luhlobo "lweefoto" zengqondo "zomntwana" ohamba nazo, njengeefoto zamalungu osapho okanye izihlobo ezikwisipaji sakho. Chaza imemori yakho ephambili.

Ukuziphatha ngokwakho

Iindidi zokuzibuza ezixoxwe apha ukuza kuthi ga ngoku zinento yokwenza neziganeko ezithile, zangaphakathi kunye nezokuziphatha. Nangona kunjalo, kukho inqanaba lesibini lokuzazi- ngengqondo nangokuziphatha. Ukuzijonga kule ndawo yokujonga kuyangqinelana nohlobo lokuzihlola kwengqondo okuxoxwe ngasentla. Ukuzazi ngokuziphatha kugxile ngakumbi kwimvelaphi yobuntu. Ngokumalunga nezibonelelo, ukuzazi kwengqondo, okuthetha ukuba uyaziqonda isimilo sakho, kunokuvuselela ngamandla inkuthazo yokutshintsha. Kufuneka sikhumbule ukuqonda okuqaqambileyo kukaHenri Bariuk: "Ukuziphatha ngokuziphatha lilitye lembombo le-psyche yethu" (1979, 291). Ngaba oku akunakulunga kunyango lwengqondo, okanye unyango ngokwakho, okanye ukuzifundela?

Ukuziqonda komphefumlo ngokuziphatha kujongana nesimo esifanelekileyo sangaphakathi, nangona kufunyanwa ngokuziphatha okuqinisekileyo. Enye indoda yabona ukuba waxoka ebuntwaneni kwiimeko ezithile esoyika ukungcikivwa. Kule nto wasibona isimo sakhe sengqondo, okanye umkhwa we-ego yakhe, elele nzulu ngakumbi kunomkhwa wokulala ngokuzikhusela (ngenxa yokoyika ukwenzakalisa i-ego yakhe), oko kukuthi, ukuzingca kwakhe okugxininiswe kakhulu, ukungcola kwakhe ngokuziphatha ("ukuba nesono" njengoko umKristu esitsho). Eli nqanaba lokwazi ngokwakho, ngokuchaseneyo nokusebenza kwengqondo kuphela, kubaluleke ngakumbi. Uza nenkululeko- kwaye ngenxa yesi sizathu; amandla ayo okuphilisa angenza okungaphezulu kokuqonda kwengqondo okuqhelekileyo. Kodwa ngokufuthi asinakho ukuzoba umgca ocacileyo phakathi kwengqondo kunye nokuziphatha, kuba olona luvo lusempilweni lwengqondo luhambelana nomlinganiso wokuziphatha (thabatha, umzekelo, ukufezekiswa kokuzisizela komntwana). Okumangalisayo kukuba, uninzi lwezinto esizibiza ngokuba "zezobuntwana" kukwavakala ngathi zibekek 'ityala ngokuziphatha, maxa wambi nokuziphatha okubi.

Ukuzingca yeyona nto ixhaphakileyo, ukuba ayizizo zonke, imikhwa emibi kunye nokuziphatha, "ububi" kwelinye icala lenkqubo ye-bipolar; kwelinye, ubuhle, imikhwa elungileyo yokuziphatha. Kuya kuba luncedo kwabo banqwenela ukuphonononga ubunzima babo be-neurotic ukuze baziqwalasele ngokuziphatha. Yintoni ekufuneka uyiqwalasele:

1.ukungoneliseki-ukungoneliseki (ibhekisa, kunjalo, kutyekelo lokuzifica ngokubhomboloza nokuzithethelela);

2. inkalipho - ubugwala (phawula iimeko ezithile kunye neendawo zokuziphatha apho uqaphela khona iimpawu);

3. unyamezelo, ukuqina - ubuthathaka, intando ebuthathaka, ukuthintela ubunzima, ukuzonwabisa ngawe;

4. Ukumodareyitha - ukunqongophala kokuziqeqesha, ukuzanelisa, ukuzanelisa (ukungakwazi ukuzibamba kunokuba bububi ekutyeni, ekuseleni, ekuthetheni, ekusebenzeni okanye kwinkanuko yazo zonke iintlobo);

5. ukukhuthala, ukusebenza nzima - ubuvila (nakweyiphi na indawo);

6. ukuthobeka, ubunyani ngokunxulumene nesiqu sakho - ikratshi, ikratshi, ubudenge, ukuhamba ngonyawo (chaza indawo yokuziphatha);

7. ukuthozama - ukungathozami;

8. ukunyaniseka nokunyaniseka- ukunganyaniseki, ukunyaniseka kunye notyekelo lokuxoka (chaza);

9. ukuthembeka - ukungathembeki (ngokunxulumene nabantu, izenzo, izithembiso);

10. uxanduva (ukuqonda okuqhelekileyo komsebenzi) -ukungakhathali (ngokunxulumene nosapho, izihlobo, abantu, umsebenzi, ii-asayinimenti);

11. ukuqonda, ukuxolela - impindezelo, ingqumbo, ingqumbo, ingozi (ngokunxulumene namalungu osapho, abahlobo, abantu osebenza nabo, njl.

12. Uvuyo oluqhelekileyo lokuba nelifa kukubawa (chaza ukubonakaliswa).

Imibuzo ephambili kulowo ufuna inkxaso yabo:

Ngokujonga imisebenzi yam kunye nezinto endizithandayo, yeyam eyona njongo ebomini? Ngaba umsebenzi wam ujolise kum okanye kwabanye, ukufezekisa umsebenzi, ukufezekisa iinjongo, iinqobo ezisemgangathweni? (Iinjongo ezizimele geqe zibandakanya: imali kunye nepropathi, amandla, udumo, ukuqatshelwa koluntu, ingqalelo yabantu kunye / okanye intlonipho, ubomi obutofotofo, ukutya, isiselo, isini).

8. Yintoni ekufuneka uyiphuhlise kuwe

Ukuqala kwedabi: ithemba, ukuzeyisa, ukunyaniseka

Ukuziqonda ngcono isiqu sakho linyathelo lokuqala kulo naluphi na utshintsho. Njengoko unyango luqhubeka (edabini), ukuzazi kunye notshintsho luyanda. Usenokubona okuninzi, kodwa uya kuqonda ngakumbi ngokuhamba kwexesha.

Ukuba nokuqonda kwamandla kwi-neurosis yakho kuya kukunika umonde, kwaye umonde uya komeleza ithemba. Ithemba lilungile kwaye lisempilweni ukucinga ngokuchasene ne-neurotic. Ngamanye amaxesha ithemba lingenza iingxaki zibe lula kwaye zide zinyamalale okwethutyana. Nangona kunjalo, iingcambu zemikhwa eyenza i-neurosis akukho lula ukuyikhupha, ngenxa yoko iimpawu zinokuvela kwakhona. Nangona kunjalo, kuyo yonke inkqubo yotshintsho, ithemba kufuneka likhuliswe. Ithemba lizinzile kwinto yokwenyani: nokuba uhlala kangakanani u-neurotic- kwaye ke ubufanasini-zivela iimvakalelo, nokuba uhlala kangakanani kuzo, okoko nje uzama ukwenza utshintsho, uya kubona impumelelo entle. Ukuphelelwa lithemba yinxalenye yomdlalo, ubuncinci kwiimeko ezininzi, kodwa kuya kufuneka uxhathise, uzibambe ngokwakho, kwaye uqhubeke. Ithemba elinjalo lifana nokuzithemba, hayi uvuyo.

Inyathelo elilandelayo-ukuzeyisa-kubaluleke kakhulu. Eli nyathelo lixhalabisa, ubukhulu becala, izinto eziqhelekileyo: ukuvuka ngexesha elithile; ukunamathela kwimigaqo yococeko lomntu, ukutya, iinwele kunye nokhathalelo lwempahla; ucwangciso losuku (malunga, hayi ngobunono kwaye lubanzi), ulonwabo kunye nobomi bentlalo. Phawula kwaye uqale ukusebenza kwiindawo apho usilela khona okanye usilela ukuzeyisa. Uninzi lwabantu olunotyekelo lobufanasini lunobunzima ngendlela ethile yokuziqeqesha. Ukuyityeshela le micimbi ngethemba lokuba ukuphilisa ngokweemvakalelo kuya kutshintsha yonke enye into ibe ngcono bubudenge. Akukho lunyango lunokukunceda ufezekise iziphumo ezonelisayo ukuba uyalityeshela eli candelo lokuziqeqesha lemihla ngemihla. Yiza nendlela elula yokulungisa ubuthathaka bakho. Qala ngendawo enye okanye ezimbini apho usilela khona; ukufezekisa ukuphucula kubo, uya kuboyisa ngokulula ngakumbi abanye.

Ngokwemvelo, ukunyaniseka kuyadingeka apha. Okokuqala, ukunyaniseka kuye. Oku kuthetha ukuziqhelanisa nokuvavanya yonke into eyenzekayo engqondweni yakho, iinjongo zakho kunye neenjongo zokwenyani, kubandakanya ukukhutshwa kwesazela. Ukunganyaniseki akuthethi ukuzazisa malunga nokungangqinelani kwengqondo kunye neemvakalelo zoko kubizwa ngokuba "sisiqingatha esingcono", kodwa kumzamo wokuthetha ngokutyibilikayo nangokucacileyo, ukuze uziqonde kangangoko unakho. (Kwenze umkhwa ukubhala phantsi iingcinga ezibalulekileyo kunye nokuzibonisa.)

Ngapha koko, ukunyaniseka kuthetha ukubhenca ngesibindi ubuthathaka bakho kunye neempazamo zakho komnye umntu othi, njengezonyango okanye inkokeli / umcebisi, akuncede. Phantse wonke umntu unotyekelo lokufihla imiba ethile yeenjongo zabo kunye neemvakalelo zabo kunye nakwabanye. Nangona kunjalo, ukoyisa lo mqobo awuhambisi nje kwinkululeko, kodwa kuyafuneka uye phambili.

Kule mfuno ingentla, umKristu uyakongeza ukuthembeka phambi koThixo kuhlalutyo lwesazela sakhe, kwincoko-yomthandazo kunye naye. Ukungazithembi ngokunxulumene noThixo kuya kuba, umzekelo, umthandazo wokucela uncedo ukungabikho komzamo wokuzama ukusebenzisa iinzame zethu zokwenza esingakwaziyo, nokuba injani na isiphumo.

Ngenxa yokuba utyekelo lwengqondo luyekiswa kukuzenzakalisa, kubalulekile ukulumkisa ukuba ukunyaniseka akufuneki kungabi semidlalo, kodwa kuthambe, kube lula kwaye kuvuleke.

Indlela yokujongana nokuzisizela kwe-neurotic. Indima yokuzihlaziya

Xa kubomi bakho bemihla ngemihla ufumana ukubonwa okungaqhelekanga okanye okubonakalayo komntwana “okhalaza ngaphakathi”, khawufane ucinge ukuba le "nto intle" ime phambi kwakho ngokwasenyameni, okanye ukuba umntu wakho omncinci "Ndi" uthathe indawo yomntwana, ukuze kushiywe kuphela ngumdala emdala. Emva koko phonononga indlela oziphatha ngayo lo mntwana, into aza kucinga ngayo kunye nokuba uziva njani kwiimeko ezithile kubomi bakho. Ukuqikelela ngokuchanekileyo "umntwana" wakho wangaphakathi, ungasebenzisa "inkumbulo exhasa", umfanekiso wengqondo "womntwana" wakho.

Ukuziphatha okungaphakathi kunye nokungaphaya kwendalo emntwaneni kulula ukuyibona. Umzekelo, omnye umntu uthi: “Ndivakalelwa kukuba ndiyinkwenkwana (ngokungathi bandilahlile, bandijongela phantsi, ndinexhala lokuba nesizungu, ihlazo, ukugxekwa, ndiziva ndisoyika umntu obalulekileyo, okanye ndinomsindo, ndifuna ukwenza yonke into) ngenjongo kunye nangona kunjalo, njl.). Kwakhona umntu ovela ngaphandle unokujonga le ndlela yokuziphatha aze aqaphele: "Uziphathe njengomntwana!"

Kodwa ukuyivuma kuwe akusoloko kulula, kwaye kukho izizathu ezibini zoku.

Okokuqala, abanye banokungaziboni njengomntwana: "Iimvakalelo zam zinzulu kwaye kufanelekile!", "Mhlawumbi ndingumntwana ngandlela thile, kodwa ndinazo izizathu zokuziva ndonwabile kwaye ndikhubeka!" Ngamafutshane , ukujonga ngokunyaniseka ngokwakho kungathintelwa ikratshi labantwana. Kwelinye icala, iimvakalelo kunye nokuphendula kwangaphakathi kunokuhlala kungabonakali. Ngamanye amaxesha kunzima ukuqonda iingcinga zakho zokwenyani, iimvakalelo okanye iminqweno; Ngapha koko, isenokungacaci ukuba yintoni ecaphukise impendulo enjalo yangaphakathi kwimeko okanye isimilo sabanye.

Kwimeko yokuqala, ukunyaniseka kuya kunceda, okwesibini-ukubonakalisa, ukuhlalutya, ukuqiqa kuya kunceda. Bhala phantsi iimpendulo ezingacacanga kwaye uzixoxe nonyango okanye nomcebisi wakho; Unokufumana ukuqaphela okanye imibuzo ebalulekileyo iluncedo. Ukuba oku akukhokeleli kwisisombululo esonelisayo, ungasigcina isiqendu okwethutyana. Njengoko uqhelisela ukuzazisa kunye nokuzinyanga ngokwakho, njengoko usiya umazi umntwana wakho wangaphakathi kunye nokuphendula kwakhe okuqhelekileyo, iimeko ezingachazwanga ziya kuba zixhaphake.

Nangona kunjalo, kuya kubakho iimeko ezininzi xa izikhalazo "zomntwana", iimpawu zobuntwana zokuphendula komntu ngaphakathi nangaphandle ziya kubonakala ngaphandle kohlalutyo. Ngamanye amaxesha kwanele nje ukuziqonda "ungonwabanga" - kwaye kuya kuvela umgama ongaphakathi phakathi kwakho neemvakalelo zobuntwana, ukuzisizela. Imvakalelo engathandekiyo akufuneki inyamalale ngokupheleleyo ukuze ilahlekelwe bubukhali bayo.

Ngamanye amaxesha kunyanzelekile ukuba kudityaniswe isigqebelo, ukugxininisa ukuhlekisa "kokungonwabi" - umzekelo, ukuthatha inceba "kumntwana wakho wangaphakathi", umntwana wakho "mna": "Owu, hayi indlela ebuhlungu ngayo! Ishwa! - Into ehluphekile! " Ukuba iyasebenza, kuya kubakho uncumo oluncinci, ngakumbi ukuba uyakwazi ukuthelekelela intetho elusizi ebusweni balo mntwana ngaphambili. Le ndlela inokuguqulwa ukuze ihambelane nezinto ozithandayo kunye nokuhlekisa. Uhlekise ngobuntwana bakho.

Kungcono nangakumbi, ukuba unethuba lokuhlekisa ngale ndlela phambi kwabanye: xa bobabini behleka, umphumo uyakhula.

Kukho izikhalazo ezomeleleyo, zide zithathe ingqalelo, ngakumbi ezo zinxulunyaniswa namanqaku amathathu: ngamava okwaliwa - umzekelo, imvakalelo yokuziva unekratshi lobuntwana ngokwenzakala, ukungabi nantlonelo, ububi kunye nokuzithoba; kunye nezikhalazo ngokwasemzimbeni, ezifana nokudinwa; Kwaye, ekugqibeleni, noxinzelelo lokungabikho kokusesikweni okuhluphekileyo okanye iimeko ezingathandekiyo. Kwizikhalazo ezinjalo, sebenzisa indlela yehyperdramatization ephuhliswe ngugqirha wezifo zengqondo uArndt. Ilele kwinto yokuba isikhalazo esibuhlungu okanye esimangalisayo seentsana sibaxiwe ukuya kwinqanaba lokungenangqondo, ukuze umntu aqale ukuncuma okanye nokuyihleka. Le ndlela yayisetyenziswa ngokuthandekayo ngumlobi wemidlalo yeqonga wase-France u-Moliere wenkulungwane ye-17, owayephethwe yi-hypochondria engacacanga: wabonisa ukuthanda kwakhe umdlalo weqonga, iqhawe elalibaxa ukubandezeleka kwakhe kwizigulo zokucinga ngengqondo kangangokuba abaphulaphuli kunye nombhali ngokwakhe bahleka.

Ukuhleka liyeza elifanelekileyo kwiimvakalelo ze-neurotic. Kodwa kuyakuthatha isibindi kunye noqeqesho oluthile ngaphambi kokuba umntu athethe into ehlekisayo ngaye (Oko kukuthi, malunga nokuzenzela kwakhe umntwana), enze umfanekiso ohlekisayo ngaye okanye azisongele ngabom phambi kwesipili, elinganisa ubuntu bomntwana, indlela aziphethe ngayo, ilizwi elilumkileyo, ezihlekisa ngaye kunye neemvakalelo ezibuhlungu. I-neurotic "I" ithatha ngokungathí sina kakhulu - ukufumana naziphi na izikhalazo njengentlekele yokwenyani. Into enomdla kukuba, kwangaxeshanye, umntu unokuba nengqondo ehlaziyiweyo kunye nokuqhula ngezinto ezingamchaphazeliyo buqu.

Hyperdramatization yeyona ndlela iphambili yokuzibamba, kodwa nayiphi na enye inokusetyenziswa.

Ngokubanzi, ubumnandi bukhonza ukufumanisa ubudlelwane, ukuhlangana kweemvakalelo zokuba "ubalulekile" okanye "kabuhlungu", ukulwa nezikhalazo kunye nokuzisizela, kungcono ukwamkela ukungafezeki kwaye, ngaphandle kokukhalaza, ukuthwala nabuphi na ubunzima, ukunceda umntu ukuba abe yinto enokwenzeka ngakumbi, bona ulungelelaniso lokwenene lweengxaki zabo xa kuthelekiswa neengxaki zabanye. Konke oku kuthetha ukuba kuyimfuneko ukukhula ngaphandle kokuzibona kwehlabathi kunye nabanye abantu okwenziwa yintsomi.

Ngokwe-hyperdramatization, incoko yakhiwe ngokungathi "umntwana" uphambi kwethu okanye ungaphakathi kuthi. Umzekelo, ukuba ukuzisizela kubangelwa kukungabi nabubele okanye uhlobo oluthile lokungamkelwa, umntu angathetha nomntwana ongaphakathi ngolu hlobo: “Vanya ndini, indlela okhohlakele ngayo! Ubethwe nje kwaphela, oh, kwaneempahla zakho bezikrazukile, kodwa yintoni imivumbo! .. "Ukuba uziva unelunda ngekratshi lobuntwana, ungathi:" Ntweni, ngaba bakulahla, uNapoleon, njengoyisemkhulu kaLenin kwiminyaka yee-XNUMX? "- kwaye kwangaxeshanye, cinga isihlwele esihlekisayo kunye" nento ehluphekayo "ebotshelelwe ngeentambo, ekhala. Ukuzisizela ngokuba lilolo, okuxhaphake kakhulu phakathi kwamafanasini, ungaphendula ngolu hlobo: “Hayi indlela ekothuka ngayo! Ihempe yakho imanzi, amashiti afumile, nditsho neefestile ziyafogxa ngenxa yeenyembezi zakho! Sele kukho amadama phantsi, kwaye kuzo iintlanzi ezinamehlo alusizi zidada kwisangqa "... njalo njalo.

Abantu abaninzi abathandana besisini esinye, kokubini abangamadoda nabasetyhini, baziva bengemhle kunabanye besini esifanayo, nangona kubuhlungu kubo ukuyivuma. Kule meko, yibaxa isikhalazo esona siphambili (ukujiya, ubunzima obugqithisileyo, iindlebe ezinkulu, impumlo, amagxa amxinwa, njl. Ukuyeka ukuzithelekisa nabanye, abantu abanomtsalane, cinga "umntwana" wakho njengomntu ohluphekileyo, oshiywe ngumntu wonke, okhubazekileyo, enxibe iimpahla ezimdaka ezibangela usizi. Indoda inokucinga ukuba iyinto encinci ekhalayo, engenazo kwaphela izihlunu kunye namandla omzimba, enelizwi elixineneyo, njl.njl. Umfazi unokucinga intombazana eyothusayo "enentombazana" eneendevu, ii-biceps ezinjengezeSchwarzenegger, njl njl. Ukuhlupheka kwisithixo esithandekayo, okubaxa ubukrelekrele babanye abantu, khawufane ucinge ngesikhalo sothando "somntu ohluphekileyo" ofela esitalatweni, ngelixa abanye abantu bedlula, bengamhoyi lo mngqibi ulambele uthando.

Ngenye indlela, khawube nomfanekiso-ngqondweni wento emnandi apho umntu othandana naye ethandekayo ethatha inkwenkwe okanye intombazana ebandezelekayo kude kuthi kanti inyanga ikhala iimvakalelo zizonke: “Ekugqibeleni, uthando oluncinci, emva kwako konke ukubandezeleka!” Khawufane ucinge lo mboniso udutyulwe ngekhamera efihliweyo emva koko Babonisa kumdlalo bhanyabhanya: abaphulaphuli bakhala ngokungayeki, ababukeli bashiya umboniso wophukile, bethe cwaka ezingalweni zabo ngenxa yale nto intle, abathi ekugqibeleni, emva kophando oluninzi, bafumane ubushushu bomntu. Yiyo ke loo nto imbi kangaka ibangelwa luthando “lomntwana”. Kwi-hyperdramatization, umntu ukhululekile ngokupheleleyo, unako ukuvelisa amabali apheleleyo, ngamanye amaxesha amaqili anokubandakanya izinto zobomi bokwenyani. Sebenzisa nantoni na enokubonakala imnandi kuwe; Zenzele uphawu lwakho lokwenza into oyithandayo.

Ukuba nabani na uyala ukuba obu bubhanxa kunye nobuntwana, ndiyavuma. Kodwa ngesiqhelo isichaso sivela kukuchasana kwangaphakathi nokuzikhohlisa. Ingcebiso yam, ke, kukuba uqale ngeehlaya ezincinci ezingenacala malunga neengxaki ongazifaki kubaluleke kakhulu. Uburharha bunokusebenza kakuhle, kwaye ngelixa ibuburharha bobuntwana, akufuneki silibale ukuba eli qhinga loyisa iimvakalelo zobuntwana. Ukusetyenziswa kwe-self-irony kuqinisekisa ukuba ubuncinci bokungena kungena kubuntwana okanye kubuntwana bokuphendula kwezi mpendulo. Inyathelo lokuqala lihlala lichonga kwaye livuma ubuntwana kunye nokuzisizela. Qaphela kwakhona ukuba ukuzenzisa kuhlala kusetyenziswa abantu abathobekileyo, nabaphilileyo ngokwengqondo.

Kuhle ngakumbi ukubukela oko sikuthethayo kunye nendlela esikuthetha ngayo ukuze sichonge kwaye silwe notyekelo olubi. Umntu usenokuba ukhalazela ngaphakathi okanye ngokuvakalayo, ke kuya kufuneka ulandelele iincoko zakho nabahlobo okanye abantu osebenza nabo kwaye umake ngengqondo amaxesha apho ufuna ukukhalaza. Zama ukungalandeli lo mnqweno: tshintsha umxholo okanye uthethe into enje: "Oku kunzima (kubi, akulunganga, njl. Njl.), Kodwa kufuneka sizame ukufumana eyona meko." Ngokwenza olu linge lulula amaxesha ngamaxesha, uyakufumanisa ukuba lomelele kangakanani na utyekelo lokukhalaza ngekamva lakho noloyiko lwakho, kwaye ukuba kukangaphi kwaye kulula kangakanani ukunikezela kwesi silingo. Kuyimfuneko ukunqanda umnqweno wokuba novelwano xa abanye bekhalaza, beveza ingqumbo yabo okanye ukungoneliseki kwabo.

Unyango "olubi", nangona kunjalo, ayisiyiyo indlela elula yokwenza "ukucinga okuqinisekileyo." Akukho nto iphosakeleyo ngokubonisa usizi okanye ubunzima kubahlobo okanye kumalungu osapho- okoko nje kusenziwa ngothintelo, ngokuhambelana nenyani. Iimvakalelo neengcinga eziqhelekileyo ezingalunganga akufuneki zilahlwe ngenxa yokuzibaxa izinto "ukucinga okuqinisekileyo": utshaba lwethu lusizi olusebuntwaneni. Zama ukwahlula phakathi kweembonakaliso eziqhelekileyo zentlungu kunye nokudakumba kunye nokukhalela umntwana kunye nokukhwina.

"Kodwa ukubandezeleka kwaye ungazibandakanyi nokuzisizela kosana, ukungakhalazi, ufuna amandla kunye nesibindi!" - uyachasa. Ewe, lo mzabalazo ufuna okungaphezulu kokuhlekisa nje. Oko kuthetha ukuba kuyakufuneka usebenze ngokwakho rhoqo, yonke imihla.

Umonde kunye nokuthobeka

Umsebenzi onzima ukhokelela kumgangatho wokuzeka kade umsindo-ukuba nomonde kuwe, ukusilela kwakho, kunye nokuqonda ukuba utshintsho luya kuhamba kancinci. Ukungabinamonde kuluphawu lolutsha: kunzima emntwaneni ukuba abamkele ubuthathaka bakhe, kwaye xa efuna ukutshintsha into, ukholelwa ukuba yenzeke kwangoko. Ngokuchaseneyo, ukuzamkela okunempilo ngokwakho (okwahlukileyo ngokusisiseko kukuzifica kubuthathaka) kuthetha umzamo omkhulu, kodwa kwangaxeshanye uzamkele ngokuzolileyo ngobuthathaka bakho kunye nelungelo lokwenza iimpazamo. Ngamanye amagama, ukuzamkela kuthetha ukudityaniswa kwenyani, ukuzihlonipha nokuzithoba.

Ukuthobeka yeyona nto iphambili eyenza ukuba umntu aqole. Ngokwenyani, elowo kuthi uneendawo zakhe ezifihlakeleyo, kwaye uhlala ebonakala ukungafezeki- kokubini ngokwengqondo nangokokuziphatha. Ukuzicingela "njengeqhawe" elingenakuthelekiswa nanto kukucinga njengomntwana; ke ngoko, ukudlala indima ebuhlungu kububuntwana, okanye, ngamanye amagama, sisalathiso sokusilela ukuthobeka. UCarl Stern uthi: "Into ekuthiwa yi-inferior complex iyinto echaseneyo nokuthobeka" (1951, 97). Ukuzivocavoca kumgangatho wokuthobeka kuluncedo kakhulu ekulweni i-neurosis. Kwaye ukuzikhohlisa ukuze ufumanise ubudlelwane bobuntwana kunye nokucela umngeni kumabango abo ekubalulekeni kunokubonwa njengomsebenzi wokuthobeka.

Ubunzima bokungaphantsi kwesiqhelo buhamba kunye nemvakalelo yokuphakama kwenye indawo okanye kwenye. Ukuzimela komntwana kuzama ukungqina ukuxabiseka kwakhe, kwaye, engakwazi ukwamkela ukucekiseka akrokrelwayo kuko, uthathwa kukuzisizela. Ngokwendalo abantwana bayazingca, baziva "bebalulekile" ngokungathi baliziko lendalo iphela; bathambekele kwikratshi, kuyinyani, iintsana - kuba ngabantwana. Ngandlel 'ithile, nakweyiphi na imeko yokungajongelwa phantsi kukho into ethile yekratshi elonzakeleyo, ukuya kuthi ga kwinqanaba lokuba umntwana ongaphakathi angakwamkeli ukutyekiswa kwakhe (kutyholwa). Oku kuchaza amalinge alandelayo okuhlawula ngaphezulu: "Ngapha koko, ndikhethekile-ndingcono kunabanye." Oku, kusebenza njengesitshixo ekuqondeni ukuba kutheni kwi-neurotic self-assertion, ekudlaleni iindima, kwiminqweno yokuba sisiseko sokuqwalaselwa kunye novelwano, sijamelene nokusilela kokuzithoba: ukuzithemba okunzakaliswe ngokunzulu kunxulumene neMegalomania. Ke, amadoda nabafazi abanesini sobungqingili, emva kokuthatha isigqibo sokuba iminqweno yabo "yeyendalo", bahlala benikezela kumnqweno wokuguqula umahluko wabo ube kukuphakama kwabo. Kukwanjalo ke nangabaxhaphazi boonyana: UAndré Gide uchaze uthando "lwamakhwenkwe" njengoyena mbonakaliso uphakamileyo wothando lomntu endodeni. Inyaniso yokuba amafanasini, athatha indawo engeyiyo eyendalo kwaye abize inyaniso ngobuxoki, aqhutywa likratshi ayisiyongcamango nje; oku kuyaphawuleka nakubomi babo. "Bendingukumkani," yatsho enye indoda eyayisisitabane malunga nokudlula kwayo. Uninzi lwamafanasini alunamsebenzi, luziphethe kakuhle kwaye lunxiba-ngamanye amaxesha lude ludlule kwimigalomania. Amanye amafanasini ayabucekisa ubuntu “obuqhelekileyo”, imitshato “eqhelekileyo”, iintsapho “eziqhelekileyo”; Ukukhukhumala kwabo kubashiya bengaboni kwiimilinganiselo ezininzi.

Ke ukuzikhukhumalisa okukhoyo kumadoda nakwabafazi abaninzi abathandanayo kukugqithisa. Imvakalelo yokujongela phantsi kwabo, ubunzima babantwana bokungabikho "bakhula baba nomoya wokuphakama:" Andinguye omnye wenu! Ngapha koko, ndingcono kunawe - ndibalulekile! Mna ndingumntu owahlukileyo: Ndinesiphiwo ngokukodwa, ingakumbi uvakalelo. Kwaye ndimiselwe ukuba ndibandezeleke ngakumbi. Ngamanye amaxesha le mvakalelo yokuphakama ibekwa ngabazali, ingqalelo yabo ekhethekileyo kunye noxabiso-olujongwa ikakhulu kubudlelwane nomzali wesini esahlukileyo. Inkwenkwe eyayithandwa kakhulu ngunina iya kuthi ngokulula ikhulise umbono wokuphakama, njengentombazana ejika impumlo yayo ijonge ingqalelo ekhethekileyo kunye nodumo lukayise. Ukuzingca kwabantu abaninzi abathandana besisini esinye baqala emva kanye ebuntwaneni, kwaye, enyanisweni, koku bafanelwe lusizi njengabantwana abangenangqondo: kudityaniswa nemvakalelo yokujongela phantsi, ikratshi lenza amafanasini abe sesichengeni ngokulula kwaye abe novakalelo ngakumbi ekugxekweni.

Ukuthobeka, ngokuchaseneyo, kuyakhulula. Ukuze ufunde ukuthobeka, kufuneka uqaphele kwindlela oziphethe ngayo, amazwi kunye neengcinga iimpawu zokungento yanto, ukukhukhumala, ukuphakama, ukuzithemba kunye nokuqhayisa, kunye neempawu zekratshi elonzakeleyo, ukungafuni ukwamkela ukugxekwa okuvakalayo. Kuyimfuneko ukuyiphika, ukuhlekisa ngobunono kubo, okanye ngenye indlela uyikhanyele. Oku kwenzeka xa umntu esakha umfanekiso omtsha wakhe "Mna", "Ndi-real", eqonda ukuba ngokwenene unezakhono, kodwa amandla anqongophele, amandla "aqhelekileyo" omntu othobekileyo, angahlukaniswa yinto eyodwa.

9. Ukutshintsha kwengcinga nokuziphatha

Ngexesha lomzabalazo wangaphakathi kunye notyekelo lomntu wesini esifanayo emntwini, ukuthanda kunye nokukwazi ukuzazisa kufuneka kuvuswe.

Ukubaluleka kokuthanda kunzima ukugqithisa. Logama umntu eyithanda iminqweno yobufanasini okanye umbono ophucukileyo, iinzame eziya kutshintsho akunakulunga ukuba ziphumelele. Ewe, ngalo lonke ixesha umntu esenza ngokufihlakeleyo okanye ngokungafihlisiyo kubufanasini, lo mdla uyondla-uthelekiso kunye notywala okanye likhoboka lokutshaya kufanelekile apha.

Olo phawu lokubaluleka kokuthanda aluthethi, kakade, ukuba ukuzazi ngokwakho akunamsebenzi; Nangona kunjalo, ukuzazi ngokwakho akuniki mandla ukoyisa iminqweno yesini yeentsana-oku kunokwenzeka kuphela ngoncedo lokuhlanganisa ngokupheleleyo ukuthanda. Lo mzabalazo kufuneka wenziwe ngokuzola okupheleleyo, ngaphandle kovalo: kuyimfuneko ukuba uzenze ngomonde kwaye unenyani-njengomntu omdala uzama ukulawula imeko enzima. Musa ukuvumela inkanuko ikoyikise, ungayenzi intlekele, ungayilahli, kwaye sukubaxa ukukhathazeka kwakho. Zama nje ukuthi hayi kulo mnqweno.

Masingayijongeli phantsi intando. Kwindlela yokusebenza kwengqondo yale mihla, ugxininiso luhlala lubekwa ekuqondeni kwengqondo (psychoanalysis) okanye ekufundeni (ekuziphatheni, isayikholojimari yezemfundo), nangona kunjalo, iya kuhlala iyinto ephambili yotshintsho: ukuqonda kunye noqeqesho lubalulekile, kodwa ukusebenza kwabo kuxhomekeke kwinto intando leyo ijolise kuyo .

Ngokuzibonakalisa ngokwakho, umntu olifanasini kufuneka eze kwisigqibo esiqinisekileyo: "Andizishiyi ezi zinto zingumlinganiso wobufanasini." Kule sigqibo, kuyimfuneko ukukhula ngokungaguquguqukiyo-umzekelo, ukubuyela rhoqo kuyo, ngakumbi kwimeko ezolileyo, xa ucinga kungagutyungelwanga yiminqweno yesini. Emva kokuba isigqibo sithathiwe, umntu uyakwazi ukuyeka ukulingwa nokuba yinto engabalulekanga yobufanasini okanye ukuzonwabisa ngokuthandana kwabantu besini esinye, ukunikezela kwangoko nangokupheleleyo, ngaphandle kokubini ngaphakathi. Kwiimeko ezininzi, xa umntu athandana naye "efuna" ukuba aphiliswe, kodwa phantse angaphumeleli, eyona nto inokwenzeka kukuba "isigqibo" khange senziwe ekugqibeleni, kwaye ke ngekhe alwe ngamandla kwaye utyekele, endaweni yoko, ugxeka amandla akhe ulwalamano ngokwesini okanye iimeko. Emva kweminyaka eliqela yempumelelo kwaye ebuyela umva kwiminqweno yobufanasini, ubufanasini ufumanisa ukuba akazange afune ukwahlukana nenkanuko yakhe, “Ngoku ndiyasiqonda isizathu sokuba kwakunzima. Ewe, bendisoloko ndifuna ukukhululwa, kodwa hayi ikhulu leepesenti! " Ke ngoko, umsebenzi wokuqala kukuzama ukucoca ukuthanda. Ke kuyafuneka ukuba ngamaxesha athile uhlaziye isisombululo ukuze siqine, sibe ngumkhwa, kungenjalo isisombululo siza kuphinda sibe buthathaka.

Kubalulekile ukuba uqonde ukuba kuyakubakho imizuzu, kunye neeyure, xa inkululeko yokuzikhethela iya kuhlaselwa ngamandla yiminqweno yenkanuko. "Ngamaxesha anje, ekugqibeleni ndifuna ukunikezela kwiminqweno yam," abaninzi banyanzelekile ukuba bavume. Ngeli xesha umzabalazo awonwabisi kwaphela; kodwa ukuba umntu akanaso isiqinisekiso sokuqina, akunyamezeleki.

Iminqweno yobufanasini inokwahluka ngokwendlela: umzekelo, inokuba ngumnqweno wokucinga ngomntu ongamaziyo obonwe esitratweni okanye emsebenzini, kumabonwakude okanye kwifoto kwiphephandaba. inokuba ngamava ephupha abangelwa ziingcinga ezithile okanye amava adlulileyo; inokuba ngumnqweno wokuya kukhangela iqabane lakho ebusuku. Kule meko, isigqibo "hayi" kwimeko enye kuya kuba lula ukusithatha kunakwenye. Umnqweno unokuba namandla kangangokuba ingqondo ibe lilifu, emva koko umntu anyanzelwe ukuba asebenze ngokukodwa ngamandla. Ukuqwalaselwa okubini kunokunceda kula maxesha anzima: "Kufuneka ndinyaniseke, ndinyaniseke kum, andizukuzikhohlisa," kwaye "ndinenkululeko, ngaphandle kwalo mnqweno uvuthayo." Siqeqesha ukuthanda kwethu xa siqonda ukuba: “Ndingasusa isandla sam ngoku, ndingaphakama ndihambe ngoku - kufuneka ndizinike umyalelo. Kodwa ikwangumnqweno wam ukuba ndihlale apha kweli gumbi kwaye ndizibonise ndiyinkosi yeemvakalelo zam kunye nokubongoza. Ukuba ndinxaniwe, ndinokugqiba ekubeni ndingakwamkeli ukunxanwa! " Amaqhinga amancinci anokunceda apha: umzekelo, ungatsho ngokuvakalayo: "Ndithathe isigqibo sokuhlala ekhaya," okanye, ngokubhala phantsi okanye ngentloko iingcinga ezininzi eziluncedo, iikowuti, uzifunde ngexesha lokulingwa.

Kodwa kulula ngakumbi ukujonga kude-ukusika ikhonkco lemifanekiso ngaphandle kokuhlala kwinkangeleko yomntu okanye emfanekisweni. Isigqibo silula xa sifumene into. Zama ukuqaphela ukuba xa ujonga enye, unokuthelekisa, “Owu! Inkosana etsalayo! Uthikazikazi! Kwaye ndi ... xa kuthelekiswa nabo andiyonto. " Yazi ukuba ezi zinto ziyimfesane kubuntwana bakho: “Umhle kakhulu, uyindoda (ulibhinqa). Nceda undinake, andonwabanga! " Okukhona umntu esazi malunga "nehlwempu lakhe", kokukhona kulula kuye ukuzikhwebula kuye kwaye asebenzise isixhobo sentando yakhe.

Indlela elungileyo yokuzinceda kukubona ukuba akukhulanga kangakanani ukufuna ukunxibelelana nobufanasini, nokuba kungokucinga okanye kuyinyani. Zama ukuqonda ukuba kulo mnqweno awunguye umntu omdala, umntu onoxanduva, kodwa ungumntwana ofuna ukuzithambisa ngobushushu nolonwabo lwenkanuko. Qonda ukuba olu ayilo thando lwenene, kodwa kukuzenzela, kuba iqabane lithathwa njengeyona nto yokufumana uyolo, hayi njengomntu, umntu. Oku kufuneka kugcinwe engqondweni xa kungekho mnqweno wesini.

Xa uqonda ukuba ukwaneliseka kobufanasini kungenxa yobuntwana nokuzingca, kuye kufike ulwazi lokungacoceki kokuziphatha. Inkanuko iphazamisa umbono wokuziphatha, kodwa ayinakulishenxisa ngokupheleleyo ilizwi lesazela: abaninzi baziva ngathi indlela yokuziphatha kwabo ngokwesini okanye ukuphulula amaphambili yinto engcolileyo. Ukuqonda oku ngokucacileyo ngakumbi, kuyafuneka ukomeleza ukuzimisela kokukuxhathisa: ngokuchasene nemvelaphi yeemvakalelo ezisempilweni, ukungcola kuya kubonakala ngokucacileyo ngakumbi. Kwaye ungaze ucinge ukuba le mbono igculelwa ngabaxhasi bobufanasini - banganyanisekanga. Kakade ke, wonke umntu isigqibo ngokwakhe ukuba sinikele ingqalelo ubunyulu kunye nokungcola. Kodwa ke masigcine engqondweni ukuba ukwaliwa kulo mzekelo ngumsebenzi wendlela yokukhusela. Omnye wabathengi bam wayenayo yonke iminqweno egxile kwinto enye: wayephunga iimpahla zangaphantsi zabantu abancinci kwaye wazicingela imidlalo yesondo kunye nabo. Wancedwa yingcinga ekhawulezileyo yokuba ukwenza oku kuyadela: waziva ukuba uyawuhlukumeza umzimba wabahlobo bakhe kwiphupha lakhe, esebenzisa iimpahla zabo zangaphantsi ukoneliseka. Le ngcinga yamenza waziva engahlambulukanga, emdaka. Njengakwezinye izenzo zokuziphatha okubi, kokukhona ukungoneliseki kokuziphatha kwangaphakathi (ngamanye amagama, kokukhona siya kusiqonda isenzo esibi njengokuziphatha), kulula ukuba sithi hayi.

Ukuvuselela inkanuko yobufanasini kuhlala "kuyimpendulo ethuthuzelayo" emva kokudana okanye ukuphoxeka. Kwiimeko ezinjalo, ukuzisizela okukhoyo apha kufuneka kuthathelwe ingqalelo kwaye kuhanjiswe kakubi, kuba ngokuchanekileyo amava amabi ahlala engabangeli iingcinga ezingamanyala. Nangona kunjalo, inkanuko yobufanasini ivela amaxesha ngamaxesha kwaye phantsi kweemeko ezahluke ngokupheleleyo, xa umntu eziva emkhulu kwaye engacingi ngayo nantoni na enjalo. Oku kunokubangelwa ziinkumbulo, imibutho. Umntu ufumanisa ukuba uzibona ekwimeko eyayikade inxulunyaniswa namava obufanasini: kwisixeko esithile, kwindawo ethile, ngosuku oluthile, njl. Ngesiquphe, umnqweno wobufanasini uza- kwaye umntu athathwe engalindelanga. Kodwa kwixa elizayo, ukuba umntu uyazi amaxesha anje ngamava, uya kuba nakho ukuwalungiselela, kubandakanya nokuzikhumbuza rhoqo ngesigqibo sokunganikezeli "ngomtsalane" ngequbuliso kwezi meko zikhethekileyo.

Uninzi lwabantu abathandana besini esinye, bobabini bengamadoda nabasetyhini, bephulula amalungu esini rhoqo, kwaye oku kuyabavala kwisakhelo semdla yokungakhuli kunye nokuziphatha okubi ngokwesini. Iziyobisi zinokoyiswa kuphela kumlo okrakra, ngaphandle kokuyeka ukuwa.

Ukulwa i-masturbation kufana nokulwa nemifanekiso ye-homoerotic, kodwa kukho izinto ezithile. Kwabaninzi ukuphulula amaphambili kuyathuthuzela emva kokudana okanye ukuphoxeka. Indoda iyazivumela ukuba itshone kwiingcinga zobuntwana. Kule meko, unokucebisa ngesi sicwangciso silandelayo: rhoqo kusasa, kwaye ukuba kunyanzelekile (ngokuhlwa okanye ngaphambi kokuba ulale), phinda uqiniseke: "Ngale mini (ebusuku) andizukuncama." Ngalesi simo sengqondo, iimpawu zokuqala zeminqweno evelayo kulula ukuzibona. Emva koko ungatsho ngokwakho, "Hayi, andiyi kuvumela olu lonwabo." Kungcono ndihlupheke kancinci kwaye andizukuyifumana le 'Wishlist' ”. Khawufane ucinge umntwana omama wakhe uyala ukumnika ilekese; umntwana uyacaphuka, aqale ukulila, ade alwe. Ke khawufane ucinge ukuba lo "ngumntwana wakho wangaphakathi" kwaye hyperdramatize indlela aziphethe ngayo ("Ndifuna ilekese!"). Ngoku yithi oku: "Lulusizi olunjani ekufuneka ulwenzile ngaphandle kolu lonwabo lincinci!" Okanye ubhekise kuye ("umntwana" wakho njengotata ongqongqo: "Hayi, Vanechka (Mashenka), namhlanje utata uthe hayi. Akukho zokudlala. Mhlawumbi ngomso. Yenza lento ithethwe ngutata! ”. Yenza okufanayo ngomso. Ke, gxila kule mini; Akukho sidingo sokucinga: "Andisoze ndikwazi ukumelana nale nto, soze ndiyilahle." Umzabalazo kufuneka ubekhona yonke imihla, yile ndlela ubuchule bokuziyeka obungena ngayo. Kwaye ngokuqhubekayo. Sukuyilingisa imeko ukuba ubonakalisa ubuthathaka okanye uphinde waphantsi. Zixelele: "Ewe, bendisisiyatha, kodwa kufuneka ndiqhubekeke," njengoko iimbaleki zinokuyenza. Nokuba uyasilela okanye awuphumeleli, usakhula, yomelela. Kwaye le yinkululeko, njengokukhululwa kubukhoboka botywala: umntu uziva engcono, enoxolo, onwabile.

Kukho iqhinga: xa kuvela umnqweno wobufanasini, unganikezeli, kodwa zikhumbuze ukuba umntu okhulileyo unokuziva into kwaye, ngaphandle koku, qhubeka usebenza okanye ulale ngokuzolileyo ebhedini- ngokubanzi, uyazilawula. Khawufane ucinge nje ngokucacileyo umntu okhuthaza intando yakhe ukuba angazonwabisi: "Ewe, nantsi indlela endifuna ukuba yiyo!" Okanye cinga ukuba uxelela umfazi okanye umyeni wakho - iqabane lakho lomphefumlo- okanye abantwana bakho (bexesha elizayo), malunga nendlela osokola ngayo nomnqweno wokuphulula amaphambili. Khawufane ucinge indlela obuya kuba neentloni ngayo ukuba ubunokuvuma ukuba awukhe walwa kwaphela, walwa kakubi, okanye wanikezela.

Kananjalo, oku "kuzaliswa luthando" kwiingcinga ezibonisa ukuphulula amalungu esini kunokuphindaphindeka. Umzekelo, xelela "umntwana wakho wangaphakathi": "Ujonge kakhulu emehlweni akho, kwaye kubo - uthando lwanaphakade ngawe, into ehluphekileyo, kunye nokufudumala komphefumlo wakho otshabalalisiweyo, notyhafile ngothando ..." njl.njl. iifantasy zabo okanye izinto zabo (umzekelo, iinkcukacha zobuntwana). Kodwa, kuqala kwento yonke, hyperdramatize le nto kunzima ukuyazi, ukukhwaza, ukumema, ukukhalaza isikhalazo: "Ndinike, ulihlwempu, uthando lwakho!" Ukuhlekisa kunye nokumomotheka kunqoba iimbono ze-homoerotic kunye nomnqweno wokuhlaziya i-masturbate ehambelana nabo. Ingxaki ngeemvakalelo ze-neurotic kukuba bathintela amandla okuzihleka. Ubuntwana obuchasene nobutsha buchasene noburharha kunye neziqhulo ezijolise ngokuchasene "nokubaluleka" kwayo. Nangona kunjalo, ukuba uyaziqhelanisa, unokufunda ukuzihleka.

Kusengqiqweni ukuba uninzi lwamafanasini lube neembono zabantwana malunga nesini. Abanye bakholelwa, umzekelo, ukuba ukuphulula amalungu esini kubalulekile ukuqeqesha amandla abo ezesondo. Ewe kunjalo, ubunzima obuphantsi bendoda obuphantsi kwengcinga enjalo kufuneka benziwe hyperdramatised. Ungaze uzame "ukungqina" "ubudoda" bakho ngokumpompa umsipha, ukukhulisa iindevu kunye neebhovu, njl. Zonke ezi ziingcinga zobutsha, kwaye ziya kukukhokelela kude kwinjongo yakho.

KumKristu kunyango lobufanasini, kuya kuba kufanelekile ukudibanisa indlela yokusebenza kwengqondo kunye neyokomoya. Olu dibaniso, kumava am, lubonelela ngesiqinisekiso esihle sotshintsho.

Ukulwa nesiqu esingenantsingiselo

Ke, phambi kwethu sinobuntwana, egocentric "I". Umfundi onomdla, efunda isahluko malunga nokuzazi, usenokuba uqaphele ezinye zeempawu zobuntwana okanye iimfuno kuye. Kucacile ukuba ukutshintshela kubudala kunye nokukhula ngokweemvakalelo ngekhe kwenzeke ngokuzenzekelayo; oku kuyimfuneko ukuphumelela umlo kunye nokuzimela kosana- kwaye kuthatha ixesha.

Umntu otyekele kubufanasini ufanele ajonge “umntwana ongaphakathi” ofuna ingqalelo kunye novelwano. Ngakumbi, ukubonakalisa oku kunokuba ngumnqweno wokuziva ubalulekile, okanye uhlonitshwe, okanye "uxabiso"; “umntwana” ongaphakathi naye unokulangazelela kwaye afune uthando, okanye uvelwano, okanye ukuthandwa. Kufuneka kuqatshelwe ukuba ezi mvakalelo, ezizisa ulwaneliseko lwangaphakathi, ngokusisiseko zahlukile kulonwabo olusempilweni umntu alufumanayo ebomini, ukusuka ekuzibonakaliseni ngokwakho.

Ukunxibelelana nabanye abantu, kubalulekile ukuba uqaphele izilangazelelo ezinjalo "zokuthuthuzela" kwaye ubashiye. Ngokuhamba kwexesha, kuya kucace gca ukubona ukuba zingaphi izinto esizenzayo, iingcinga kunye neenjongo zethu ezikhula ngokuthe ngqo kule mfuno engenasihlahla yokuziqinisekisa. Isidenge esixhaphakileyo sihlasela ingqalelo yabanye abantu. Iimfuno zothando kunye novelwano zinokuba yinto enoburharha: umntu ubanjwa ngokulula ngumona kunye nomona ukuba abanye abantu bafumana ingqalelo. Umnqweno "womntwana ongaphakathi" wothando kunye nokunikwa ingqalelo kufuneka uhlukaniswe nemfuno eqhelekileyo yoluntu yothando. Okokugqibela, ubuncinci ngenxalenye, bathobela isidingo sokuthanda abanye abantu. Umzekelo, uthando olungavuthiyo olungafanelekanga luzisa usizi, hayi ingqumbo kunye nokuziva usizi.

Nawaphi na amalinge okuziqinisekisa kweentsana kufuneka anqunyanyiswe- kuphela kule meko inkqubela phambili enokwenzeka inokwenzeka. Musa ukulibala malunga nokuzama ukubaluleka emehlweni akho, ukuze ume ngaphandle, ukuvusa umdla. Ngamanye amaxesha isiqinisekiso sokuzalwa kosana kubonakala ngathi "siyaphindisela", ukuzama ukubuyisela into eyayilahlekile ngaphambili; oku kuyinyani ngakumbi kwizikhalazo zokungaphantsi. Ngokwenyani, ngokubanelisa, unyusa kuphela ukuzilungisa ngokwakho: yonke iminqweno yeentsana kunye neemvakalelo zidibene njengeenqanawa zonxibelelwano; "Ukondla" ezinye, ngokuzenzekelayo uqinisa ezinye. Ukuziqina kwabantu abadala kuzisa uvuyo kunye nolwaneliseko kuba ungafezekisa nantoni na, kodwa hayi kuba "ukhetheke". Ukuzimela ngokuzithemba kukwathetha ukuba nombulelo, kuba umntu oqolileyo uyakuqonda ukungqinelana kweempumelelo zakhe.

Ukunxiba iimaski, ukuzenzisa, ukuzama ukwenza naluphi na uhlobo olukhethekileyo- olu hlobo lokuziphatha lunokubonwa njengokufuna ingqalelo, uvelwano. Ukoyisa konke oku kwinqanaba "leempawu", ngokukhawuleza nje ukuba uyiqaphele, kulula - kule nto kufuneka unikezele kukonwaba "kokukrokra". Iziphumo ziya kuba yimvakalelo yokukhululeka, amava enkululeko; imvakalelo yokuzimela, amandla aya kuza. Ngokuchasene noko, umntu ofuna ingqalelo kunye nokwenza izinto uzenza ukuba axhomekeke kwizigwebo zabanye malunga naye.

Ukongeza ekubeni ulumkele ezi zinto zibonakaliswayo zobuntwana kunye noxinzelelo lwangoko, kufuneka usebenze kwicala elilungileyo, Oko kukuthi, ujolise kwinkonzo. Oku, kuqala kwiinto zonke, kuthetha ukuba kuzo zonke iimeko okanye imisebenzi, umntu uya kuyithathela ingqalelo imisebenzi yakhe kunye noxanduva. Kuthetha ukuzibuza umbuzo olula: "Ndingazisa ntoni kule nto (ingaba yintlanganiso, umbhiyozo wosapho, umsebenzi okanye ulonwabo)?" Umntwana ongaphakathi, kwelinye icala, ukhathazekile ngumbuzo, "Ndingafumana ntoni? Yeyiphi inzuzo endinokuyifumana kwimeko; bangandenzela ntoni abanye? Ndiya kwenza ntoni kubo? " - njalo njalo, ngomoya wokucinga okuzimeleyo. Ukuthintela oku kucinga kubuntwana, umntu kufuneka azame ngokuzimisela ukuphelisa oko kubonwa njengegalelo elinokubakho kwimeko ebalulekileyo kwabanye. Ngokugxila koku, ngokutshintsha ukucinga kwakho kuwe uye kwabanye, unokufumana ukoneliseka ngakumbi kunesiqhelo, kuba umntu ozingcayo, endaweni yokuthatha ulonwabo lwendalo lokudibana nabahlobo okanye abantu asebenza nabo, uhlala exhalabile malunga nokuba ubaluleke kangakanani kwabanye. Ngamanye amagama, umbuzo ngulo, loluphi uxanduva-olukhulu noluncinci- ndicinga ukuba luphambi kwam? Lo mbuzo kufuneka uphendulwe ngokulungelelanisa uxanduva kunye neenjongo zexesha elide kunye neemeko zemihla ngemihla. Luthini uxanduva lwam kubuhlobo, emsebenzini, kubomi bosapho, phambi kwabantwana bam, ngokunxulumene nempilo yam, umzimba, ukuphumla? Imibuzo isenokubonakala ngathi incinane. Kodwa xa indoda ithanda ubufanasini kwaye ikhalazela ingxaki ebuhlungu, ikhetha phakathi kosapho kunye "nomhlobo," kwaye ekugqibeleni ishiye usapho lwayo isithandwa, oku kuthetha ukuba ibingaziva ngokunyanisekileyo ngoxanduva lwayo. Endaweni yoko, wayecinezela iingcinga zabo, ebenza bazisizele ngenxa yobunzima awayekubo.

Ukunceda umntu akhule ngokwengqondo, ukuyeka ukuba ngumntwana, yinjongo yalo naluphi na unyango lweeuroses. Ukukubeka ngamagama angathandekiyo, nceda umntu aphilele yena, hayi uzuko lwe-ego yeentsana kwaye hayi eyokuzonwabisa kwakhe. Njengoko uhamba ngale ndlela, umdla wobufanasini uya kuncipha. Nangona kunjalo, koku, kubaluleke kakhulu ekuqaleni ukubona indlela oziphatha ngayo kunye neenjongo zayo malunga nokungakhuli kwabo kunye nokuzazisa kwabo. "Kubonakala ngathi ndizikhathalele isiqu sam kuphela," isitabane esinyanisekileyo siya kuthi, "kodwa yintoni uthando, andazi." Eyona nto iphambili kubudlelwane bobufanasini kukuzibona sele ufuna ukuzenzela umhlobo. “Yiyo loo nto ndihlala ndinyanzelisa ubudlelwane bam nentombazana, nditsho nokuza kubuzwilakhe,” yavuma istabane, "Kumele ukuba ngowam ngokupheleleyo." Abantu abaninzi abathandana besisini esinye bazenza ngathi banobushushu kunye nothando kumaqabane abo, bawele ekuzikhohliseni, baqale ukukholelwa ukuba ezi mvakalelo ziyinyani. Ngokwenyani, bayayithanda imvakalelo yokuzingca kwaye bazame iimaski. Kutyhilwe kaninzi kaninzi ukuba banokuba nobundlobongela kunye namaqabane abo kwaye, enyanisweni, abanamdla kubo. Ewe, olu ayilo thando konke konke, kodwa kukuzikhohlisa.

Ke, umntu omnye obonakalise ububele kubahlobo bakhe, ebathengela izipho ezintle, ebanceda ngemali beswele, enyanisweni, akakhange abanike nto-uthenge uvelwano lwabo. Omnye waqonda ukuba wayehlala exakeke yimbonakalo yakhe kwaye wachitha phantse wonke umvuzo wakhe kwimpahla, abalungisi bezinwele nakwizinto zokuthambisa. Wayeziva engaphantsi emzimbeni kwaye engathandeki (nto leyo yendalo), kwaye entliziyweni yakhe wazisizela. Ukunyanzelwa kwakhe kukugqithisa kukuzingca. Yinto eqhelekileyo ukuba umntu okwishumi elivisayo axakeke ziinwele zakhe; kodwa ke, njengokuba ekhula, uyakuyamkela imbonakalo yakhe njengoko injalo, kwaye oku akusayi kuba yinto ekhethekileyo kuye. Kwabaninzi abalingqingili, kwenzeka ngokungafaniyo: babambelela ekuziqhathaneni kweentsana ngobuhle babo bokucinga, bazijonga ixesha elide esipilini, okanye bacinge ngokuhamba esitratweni okanye ukuthetha nabanye abantu. Ukuzihleka sisixhobo esihle soku (umzekelo, "Mfana, ujongeka umkhulu!")

I-narcissism inokuthatha iindlela ezininzi. Isini esiziphatha ngendlela engathethekiyo yindoda ethanda isidima. Kwenzeka into efanayo nakwimeko yendoda ekhulisa inkangeleko yesini ngaphakathi kwayo, okanye ngokuchasene nokudlala "imbonakalo" yabantwana. Unobangela wazo zonke ezi zinto yile: “Hayi indlela endimangalisa ngayo!”

Ukuba umntu ugqiba kwelokuba abonise ngabom uthando kwabanye abantu, okokuqala oku kungakhokelela ekuphoxekeni, kuba isekuye "I" wakhe kuphela onomdla, hayi "mna" wabanye. Unokufunda ukuthanda ngokuhlakulela umdla komnye umntu: uhlala njani? uziva njani? Yintoni eya kulunga kuye? Ukusuka kule ngqwalaselo yangaphakathi izimbo zomzimba ezincinci kunye nezenzo zizalwa; umntu uqala ukuziva ethe xanduva kwabanye. Nangona kunjalo, oku akunjalo ngeeurotic, abahlala beziva benyanzelekile ukuba bathwale uxanduva ngokupheleleyo kubomi babanye. Ukuthatha uxanduva lwabanye ngale ndlela yenye yeendlela zokuziphatha egazethi: "Ndingumntu obalulekileyo ekuxhomekeke kuye kwisiphelo sehlabathi." Imvakalelo yothando iyakhula njengoko inkxalabo esempilweni yabanye ikhula, ukucinga kuyakhiwa kwakhona kwaye kugxilwe ekuqwalaselweni kugudluze kwabanye kuye kwabanye.

Uninzi lwamafanasini ngamaxesha athile okanye ngokungaguquguqukiyo lubonakalisa ikratshi kwiindlela zalo zokuziphatha; abanye ikakhulu kwiingcinga zabo ("Ndingcono kunawe"). Ezo ngcinga kufuneka zibanjwe kwangoko zinqunyulwe, okanye zihlekiswe, zibaxiwe. Ngokukhawuleza xa "umntwana ongaphakathi" edumbile ngokubaluleka kuncipha, ulwaneliseko lwe-narcissistic, ngakumbi, inkolelo yokuba ungohlobo oluthile olukhethekileyo, okrelekrele, olona lubalaseleyo, luya kumka. Iingcamango ze-Nietzschean superman zibonakalisa ukungakhuli. Yintoni imbuyekezo? Ukwamkelwa okusempilweni ukuba awungcono kunabanye, kunye nethuba lokuzihleka.

Umona ukwangumqondiso wokungakhuli. “Unayo naleya, kodwa andiyenzi! Andinakumelana nayo! Ndimpofu ... ”Umhle, womelele, ukhangeleka emncinci, ubomi buphuma kuye, uneembaleki, uyathandwa, unamakhono amaninzi. Umhle ngakumbi, uzele ngumtsalane ngakumbi, ubufazi, ubabalo; Ufumana ingqalelo ngakumbi kubafana. Xa ujonga umntu wesini esinye njengawe, ukuncoma i-ego yomntwana kunye nomnqweno wokunxibelelana nayo xubana nomona. Indlela yokuphuma kukunciphisa ilizwi "lomntwana": "UThixo amnike ukuba alunge ngakumbi! Kwaye ndizakuzama ukonwaba ngesiqu sam - ngokwasemzimbeni nasengqondweni, nokuba ndingowokugqibela, oyindoda okanye ibhinqa elingabalulekanga. " Hyperdramatization kunye nokugculelwa kwenqanaba lesibini lobudoda / lobufazi kwixa elizayo kuya kunceda ukunciphisa i-egocentrism kubudlelwane nabantu besini esifanayo.

Ukuba umfundi ucinga nzulu ngemicimbi yothando kunye nokuvuthwa komntu buqu, kuyakucaca kuye: umzabalazo wokulwa ubufanasini uthetha nje umzabalazo wokuvuthwa, kwaye eli dabi langaphakathi yenye yezinto ezahlukileyo zomzabalazo umntu awuhlawulayo ukogqitha ubuntwana bakhe; Kuphela kukuba wonke umntu uneendawo zakhe zokukhula.

Ukutshintsha Indima yakho Yokwabelana ngesondo

Ukukhula kuthetha, phakathi kwezinye izinto, ukuba umntu azive engokwemvelo kwaye anele kwicandelo lakhe lendalo. Rhoqo amafanasini ayawuthanda lo mnqweno: "Owu, akwaba ubungekhe ukhule!" Ukusebenza njengendoda okanye umfazi okhulileyo kuvakala ngathi sisiqalekiso kubo. Izikhalazo zabantwana zokujongwa ngokwesini zenza kube nzima kubo ukuba bazicingele njengabantu abadala. Ukongeza, bahlala benemibono engekho ngqiqweni, ebaxiweyo malunga nokuba buyintoni ubudoda nobufazi. Baziva bekhululekile kwindima yomntwana: "umfana oswiti, oswiti, onomtsalane", "umntwana ongenakuzinceda", "inkwenkwe ebonakala ngathi iyintombazana" - okanye "intombazana eyomeleleyo", "intombazana ekhaliphileyo engangqubani nendlela", okanye "intombazana ethe-ethe, elityelweyo". Abafuni ukuvuma ukuba ezi zibubuxoki "mna", iimaski ezifuna ukufumana intuthuzelo, ukuze zithathe indawo yazo eluntwini. Kwangelo xesha, le "theatre yeemaski" inokunika ezinye - ayizizo zonke - ulonwabo lwe-narcissistic lokuziva ulusizi kwaye ukhethekile.

Indoda engqingiliyo inokujonga ubudoda kumaqabane ayo, inyuselwe kwinqanaba lesithixo, kwaye kwangaxeshanye, ngokuxakayo, umntu ngokwakhe (okanye mandithi ubuntwana bakhe) angabuphatha ubudoda ngokucekiseka, azive ngathi "unovakalelo ngakumbi", angcono kunokuba "krwada "Madoda. Kwezinye iimeko, iba "yintetho yedolophu." AmaLesbies angabudela ubufazi njengenqanaba lesibini, elikhumbuza kakhulu intsomi yempungutye kunye neediliya. Ke ngoko, kuyimfuneko ukuphelisa zonke iingcinga ezingeyonyani malunga "nohlobo olukhethekileyo", "okunye", "intsimi yesithathu" - le yindoda okanye engeyomfazi "I". Oku kuyabuzisa, kuba umntu uyaqonda ukuba akahlukanga kumadoda nabafazi abaqhelekileyo. I-nimbus yokugqwesa iyanyamalala, kwaye umntu uyaqonda ukuba konke oku yayizizikhalazo zentsana zokujongela phantsi.

Indoda elandela izikhokelo zethu zokunyanga kungekudala iya kuyibona imask "engengomntu". Le ndima inokuzibonakalisa kwizinto ezincinci, ezinje ngenkolelo yokuba akanakuma utywala. Ngokwenyani, le yimaski engazi nto "kasisi" onomkhwa "ombi" ongajongani naye ". "Owu, ndiyagula emva kweglasi enye yecognac," ibinzana eliqhelekile kubufanasini. Uyaziqinisekisa ngale nto, kwaye ke, ngokwendalo, uziva kakubi, njengomntwana ocinga ukuba akanakuma nakuphi na ukutya, kodwa kwangaxeshanye akaphikiswa kwaphela. Susa loo maski yobuntununtunu kwaye uzame ukonwaba ngesiphu esimnandi (kunjalo, kuphela xa umdala ngokwaneleyo ukuba ungasela kwaye unganxila- kuba kuphela emva koko unenkululeko yokwenene yokuzikhethela). Iziselo ezinxilisayo zezamadoda kuphela, utshilo "umntwana ongaphakathi" wefanasini. Iinkcukacha “ezintle,” “ezithandekayo,” okanye ezokunxiba ezithi zigxininise ukungavisisani kwamadoda okanye "ubuntununtunu" kufuneka zisuswe ngendlela efanayo. Ihempe zabasetyhini, amakhonkco amenyezelayo kunye nobunye ubucwebe, i-colognes, iinwele ze-unisex, kunye nendlela yokuthetha yabasetyhini, imvakalo-zwi, umnwe kunye nokuthambeka kwezandla, intshukumo kunye nokuhamba-yile nto umntu ekufuneka ayiphelisile. Iyavakala into yokumamela elakho ilizwi ekhasethini ukuze uqaphele into engeyiyo eyendalo, nangona ingekho zingqondweni ngokungathi ithi: "Andiyondoda" (umzekelo, intetho ecothayo enesandi esinobuqili, esilusizi, nesimilayo, esinokucaphukisa abanye abantu kwaye eqhelekileyo kumadoda amaninzi amafanasini). Emva kokufunda ilizwi lakho kunye nokuqonda ezi zinto, zama ukuthetha ngokuzolileyo, "qondile", ithoni ecacileyo kunye nendalo kwaye uqaphele umohluko (sebenzisa iteyiphu rekhoda). Kananjalo jonga ukunganyangeki ngaphakathi ngaphakathi okuvakalayo ngexesha lomsebenzi.

Kulula kubafazi ukoyisa ukuthandabuza ukunxiba iilokhwe ezintle kunye nezinye iimpahla zabasetyhini. Sebenzisa izithambiso, uyeke ukukhangela njengomntu ofikisayo, kwaye ulungele ukulwa noluvo luvelayo lokuba "ukuba ngowasetyhini ayindim." Yeka ukudlala umntu owomeleleyo ngokwendlela othetha ngayo (zimamele ngokwakho kwiteyiphu), izijekulo, kunye nokuhamba.

Kuya kufuneka utshintshe umkhwa wokuzibandakanya kwizinto ezincinci. Umzekelo, elinye ibufanasini lalisoloko liphethe ii-slippers kunye nalo ukuba liyokundwendwela, kuba "bahlala kamnandi kuzo" (kukungabi nantlonelo ukuthetha loo nto, kodwa lo ngumzekelo ocacileyo wendlela indoda ejika ibe "yintlebendwane" evela kwihlaya). Enye indoda yayifuna ukuphazamiseka kwizinto zokuzilibazisa ezisebenzisayo zokulungisa okanye ukulungiselela ii-bouquets. Ukwenza oku, kuya kufuneka uqonde ukuba ulonwabo olufunyenwe kulolo hlobo luyolo lomntwana, inkwenkwe enomlinganiswa othambileyo, sele kunjalo, ngokungathi kunjalo, isiqingatha se "ntombazana". Uyabona ukuba ezi zinto ziyinxalenye yobunzima bendoda, kodwa ndiziva ndibuhlungu malunga nokuzishiya. Kodwa thelekisa loo nto nemeko xa inkwenkwe ibona ukuba lixesha elidlulileyo lokuya kulala nebhedi yayo eyithandayo. Khangela eminye imisebenzi kunye nezinto ozithandayo ezibaluleke ngokubaluleka ngokwesondo kunye nomdla wakho. Mhlawumbi umzekelo we-teddy bear wakwenza wancuma; kodwa, nangona kunjalo, kuyinyani: amafanasini amaninzi ayabuxabisa ubuntwana babo kwaye ngaphakathi bayakuxhathisa ukukhula.

Ngoku isini lesini esityhilekileyo isizathu sokulahlwa "yimigaqo" kwendlela yokuphila yobufazi, kufuneka, umzekelo, ukuba oyise ukuthanda ukupheka, ukunyamekela iindwendwe zakhe okanye azinikele kwezinye izinto "ezingabalulekanga" zekhaya, ukuba athobeke kwaye abakhathalele abantwana abancinci. ngakumbi iintsana. (Ngokuchasene nenkolelo edumileyo malunga nokuthanda koomama abathandanayo, ingakumbi iimvakalelo zabo zoomama ziyacinezelwa, kwaye baphatha abantwana ngakumbi njengeenkokheli zoovulindlela kunoomama.) Ukubandakanyeka "kwindima" yabasetyhini kukuphumelela i-ego yeentsana, kwaye kwangaxeshanye ukutyhileka ngokweemvakalelo kukuqala kwamava obufazi.

Amadoda amaninzi angamafanasini kufuneka ayeke ukuba yi-felons kwaye asebenze ngezandla: ukucheka iinkuni, ukupeyinta indlu, ukusebenza nefosholo, isando. Kuyimfuneko ukoyisa ukuxhathisa ukuze usebenze ngamandla. Ngokuphathelele ezemidlalo, iyimfuneko, apho ithuba lizivelisayo, ukuthatha inxaxheba kwimidlalo yokhuphiswano (ibhola ekhatywayo, ibhola yevoli, ...), kwaye unike konke okusemandleni, nokuba ukude ube "yinkanyezi" ebaleni. Ukuphumla kwaye ulwe, kwaye ungaziseli! Uninzi ke luziva lumnandi; Ukuxabana kuthetha ukoyisa umntu ongaphakathi "olihlwempu" kwaye uncede uzive njengendoda yokwenene. "Umntwana ongaphakathi" wobungqingili uyakuphepha, uyala, kwaye uyekelele kwinto yesiqhelo eyenzeka ngokwesini. Nangona kunjalo, ndifuna ukugxininisa ukuba umgaqo-siseko wokwamkela iindima zesini oqhelekileyo awulingani "nonyango lokuziphatha". Kubalulekile apha ukuyisebenzisa ngononophelo intando yokulwa ukumelana nokungqubana kwezi ndima, kwaye ungaqeqeshi nje ngenkawu.

Kwangelo xesha, kwimithambo emincinci yemihla ngemihla "yokwazisa" ngobuncinci bendoda okanye ubufazi, umntu akadingi kudlula ubudenge. Khumbula ukuba naziphi na iinzame zokuphuhlisa ubudoda obonakalisayo (itswele, iindevu, iindevu, ukugxininiswa kwesinxibo samadoda, ukulinywa kwemisipha) zibangelwa kukuzithemba kunye nokuba ngumntwana, kwaye ukondla kuphela ubunzima besini esifanayo. Wonke umntu unoluhlu lwemikhwa kunye nezinto anomdla ofanele azithathele ingqalelo.

Amadoda athandana namanye amadoda ahlala eneempawu zobuntwana kwintlungu, umzekelo, "azinakuma" nokuba ziziphazamiso ezincinci. Apha sichukumisa umxholo wesibindi, ofana nokuzithemba okuqinisekileyo. "Umntwana ongaphakathi" woyika kakhulu umzabalazo womzimba kunye nezinye iindlela zongquzulwano, kwaye ke uburharha bakhe bahlala ngokungathanga ngqo, bufihlakele, uyakwazi ukwenza iyelenqe nobuxoki. Ukuzazisa okungcono ngobudoda, kuyafuneka ukoyisa uloyiko lokungqubana, ngomlomo kwaye, ukuba kukho imfuneko, ngokwasemzimbeni. Kuyimfuneko ukuthetha ngokunyanisekileyo nangokuphandle, ukuzikhusela ukuba iimeko zifuna njalo, kwaye ungoyiki ubundlongondlongo kunye nokuhlekwa ngabanye abantu. Ngapha koko, kubalulekile ukukhusela igunya, ukuba eli gunya liyahambelana nesikhundla, kwaye ungakuhoyi "uhlaselo" olunokubakho lwabangaphantsi okanye osebenza nabo. Kwilinge lokuzithemba, umntu unyathela "kumntwana ohluphekileyo" kwaye afumane amathuba amaninzi okonyusa iimvakalelo zoloyiko kunye nokuziva ngathi usilele. Ukuqina kulungile kwezo meko apho ingqondo iqinisekisa ukuba kufanelekile, kwaye iyimfuneko. Nangona kunjalo, ubulukhuni bunokuba bobomntwana ukuba busetyenziselwa ukubonisa ubunzima okanye ukubaluleka. Ukuziphatha okuqhelekileyo komntu onokuzithemba kuhlala kuzolile, kungabonisi, kwaye kukhokelela kwiziphumo.

Ngokuchasene noko, uninzi lwamafanasini luza kuxhamla kakhulu kwimithambo encinci yokungenisa, okanye nolwimi alunakujika luthethe! - ekuthumeleni-okubi kakhulu! - ukuthobela igunya lamadoda. Ukuziva ukuba yintoni "intobeko" yomfazi, kunye "nokuthamba", umntu othandana namanye kuya kufuneka ayichase indima yendoda eyongameleyo nezimeleyo ngomzamo wayo wexeshana. Ngokwesiqhelo abafazi bafuna inkxaso yendoda, bafune ukuzinikela kuye, ukuze bamkhathalele; oku kubonakalisiwe, ngakumbi, kumnqweno wokungenisa kubudoda bakhe. Ngaphandle kokuzibophelela "kwintombazana" eyonileyo, kuwo onke amantombazana athandana nabasetyhini ulele njengobuhle bokulala, ulungele ukuvuka.

Ukuziva uthotyiwe kuhlala kwenza ukuba "inkwenkwe engamadoda" kunye "nentombazana engafakwanga sini" bayicaphukele imizimba yabo. Zama ukwamkela ngokupheleleyo kwaye ubuxabise ubudoda okanye ubufazi "obubonakalisiweyo" emzimbeni wakho. Umzekelo, zikhulule ze, uzihlole esipilini, kwaye uthathe isigqibo sokuba wonwabile ngomzimba wakho kunye neempawu zesini. Akukho sidingo sokutshintsha nantoni na ngokuthambisa okanye ngeempahla; Kufuneka ugcine umgaqo-siseko wendalo. Umntu wasetyhini unokuba namabele amancinci, isihlunu okanye umzimba othe nca, njalo njalo. Kufuneka uyithathe kancinci le nto, uphucule inkangeleko yakho ngaphakathi kwemida efanelekileyo, uyeke ukukhalaza malunga nezinto ongenakukwazi ukuzilungisa (lo mthambo kunganyanzeleka ukuba uphindaphindwe kaninzi) ... Indoda kufuneka yaneliswe ngumgaqo-siseko, ipipi, izihlunu, utyani emzimbeni, njl. Akukho mfuneko yokukhalaza malunga nezi zinto kwaye ucinge ngomnye umzimba "ofanelekileyo". Kucacile ukuba oku kungoneliseki sisikhalazo sobuntwana "I".

10. Ubudlelwane nabanye abantu

Ukutshintsha uvavanyo lwakho kwabanye abantu kunye nokwakha ubudlelwane kunye nabo.

I-neurotic yobufanasini iphatha abanye abantu ngokuyinxalenye "njengomntwana." Akunakwenzeka - kunokuba, kungenakwenzeka kwaphela - ukutshintsha ubufanasini ngaphandle kokuphuhlisa umbono okhulileyo wabanye abantu kunye nolwalamano oluqolileyo kunye nabo.

Abantu besini sabo

Abantu abathandana besisini esinye kufuneka bayamkele imvakalelo yokuthotywa kwabo ngabantu besini sabo, kunye nokuziva beneentloni xa benxibelelana nabo, kubangelwa yimvakalelo yabo "yokuthambekela", "ukwahlukana". Jongana nale mvakalelo ngokudibanisa "umntwana ohluphekileyo, ongonwabanga." Kwakhona, yiba nenxaxheba kulwalamano lwakho, kunokuba ube kude kwaye ungakhathali. Thatha inxaxheba kwiincoko nakwimisebenzi ngokubanzi, kwaye usebenzise amandla ukwakha ubudlelwane. Imizamo yakho iya kuthi ibonakalise umkhwa ofihlakeleyo wokudlala indima yomntu wangaphandle, kwaye, mhlawumbi, ukuthandabuza ukuziqhelanisa ngokwesiqhelo phakathi kwabameli besini sakho, umbono ombi ngabanye abantu, ukubala okanye ukungazinanzi kubo. Ewe, akulunganga ukuzama ukuziqhelanisa ngcono nabantu besini esifanayo ngenxa yomnqweno womntwana wokubakholisa. Okokuqala, kubaluleke ngakumbi ukuba ngumhlobo wabanye, kwaye ungakhangeli abahlobo. Oku kuthetha ukusuka ekufuneni ukukhuselwa komntwana uye kuthatha uxanduva kwabanye. Ukusuka kokungakhathali kufuneka ubenomdla, ukusuka kubutshaba obuncinci, uloyiko kunye nokungathembani - uvelwano kunye nokuthembela, ukusuka "ekubambeleleni" nasekuxhomekekeni - kwinkululeko yangaphakathi esempilweni. Kumadoda athandana namanye amadoda, oku kuhlala kuthetha ukoyisa uloyiko lokujongana, ukugxekwa kunye nokuba ndlongondlongo, kubantu abathandana nabesini esinye - ukwamkela indima yabasetyhini okanye nokuba ngumama kunye nomdla, kunye nokoyisa ukudelwa kwezinto ezinjalo. Amadoda kuye kufuneke akukhanyele ukuthobela kunye nokusetyenzwa kwawo, kwaye abantu basetyhini kuyakufuneka bashiye ubukhosi, ulawulo olunxaxhileyo.

Kuyimfuneko ukwahlula phakathi konxibelelwano lomntu ngamnye kunye neqela nabameli besini sabo. Abantu abatyekele kubufanasini baziva “bekhululekile”, ukuba phakathi koontanga babo abathandani besini esahlukileyo, ngakumbi ukuba ebuntwaneni kwakunzima kubo ukuba baqhelane namaqela abantwana besini sabo. Kwiimeko ezinjalo, bahlala benobunzima bokungathobeki. Kuthatha inkalipho ukuyeka ukuphepha iqela kwaye uqale ngokuziphatha ngendlela eqhelekileyo, ngokwemvelo, ngaphandle kokunyanzelisa, ngaphandle kokuthintela ukugculelwa okanye ukwaliwa liqela, ngelixa uqhubeka nokuziphatha njengelungu leqela.

Uhlobo

Ubuhlobo obuqhelekileyo bungumthombo wovuyo. Kubudlelwane bobuhlobo, umntu ngamnye uhlala eyakhe, ubomi obuzimeleyo, kwaye kwangaxeshanye akukho kuxhomekeka kubambelela kwesithukuthezi "somntwana ongaphakathi", akukho bango lokuzingca. Ukwakha ubuhlobo obuqhelekileyo nomnye umntu ngaphandle komdla wokuzingca kwaye ngaphandle komnqweno wokufumana "nantoni na njengembuyekezo" kunegalelo kwinkqubo yokuvuthwa ngokweemvakalelo. Ukongeza, uvuyo lokuba nobuhlobo obuqhelekileyo nabantu besini esifanayo kunokuba negalelo ekukhuleni kwesazisi, kuyanceda ukujamelana neemvakalelo zokuziva ulilolo ezihlala zikhokelela ekuphenduleni kwesiqhelo kweengcinga zobufanasini.

Nangona kunjalo, ubuhlobo obuqhelekileyo kunye namalungu esini esinye kunokukhokelela kwingxabano yangaphakathi. Umntu ongathandani naye angaphinda abuyele kuye ngokuzithandela kummeza wobuntu bakhe obungenantlonelo, kunye neminqweno eyomeleleyo yomnqweno oxhaphakileyo unokuvela. Masenze ntoni? Ngokubanzi, kungcono ukungathinteli umhlobo. Okokuqala, hlalutya into engenasidima kwiimvakalelo zakho kunye nokuziphatha ngokunxulumene nayo kwaye uzame ukuyitshintsha. Umzekelo, unokuthi unqumle okanye utshintshe iintlobo ezithile zokuziphatha, ngakumbi, umkhwa wokutsala umdla wakhe, umnqweno wokhuseleko okanye inkathalo yakhe.

Sukuvumela isimo sengqondo sokufudumeza njengomntwana kuwe. Misa iminqweno kwindawo erotic. (Unako, umzekelo, hyperdramatize kubo.) Thatha isigqibo esingagungqiyo sokungcatsha umhlobo wakho, umsebenzisa kwimibono yakho njengento yokudlala, nokuba kuyenzeka "kuphela" emcabangweni wakho. Phatha le meko inzima njengocelomngeni, njengethuba lokukhula. Zijonge kakuhle imbonakalo yomzimba womhlobo wakho kunye neempawu zakhe, ngokwenyani: "Akangcono kunam, ngamnye kuthi uneempawu zakhe ezintle nezingalunganga." Kwaye kuphela ukuba uziva ukuba imvakalelo yakho engenasidima ngokunxulumene naye iyakoyisa, ukunciphisa ubunxibelelwano bakho okwethutyana. Zama ukukuphepha ukusondela kakhulu ngokomzimba (kodwa ungabi namdla ngexesha elinye!): Umzekelo, ungalali kwigumbi elinye. Kwaye, ekugqibeleni, eyona nto ibaluleke kakhulu: sukuzama ukufumana uvelwano lwakho kuwe, ulwe naziphi na iziphikiso kolu lwalathiso, kuba oku kunokuba negalelo ekubuyiseleni kubuntu obungenasidima. Kuya kufuneka ucamngce ngotshintsho kwindlela yokuziphatha kwaye uqaphele iimeko ezinjalo kubudlelwane phakathi kwabantu xa kufuneka ujongane notyekelo lokuziphatha okungenanto kwaye uzibeke ezinye, abaqolileyo ngakumbi.

Abantu abadala

Amadoda angamafanasini anokubaphatha amadoda amadala kuneminyaka yabo njengotata: ukuba boyike amandla abo, ukuthobela kakhulu kubudlelwane kunye nabo, ukuzama ukubakholisa, okanye ukuvukela ngaphakathi. Kwiimeko ezinjalo, njengesiqhelo, ziqonde ezi zinto zokuziphatha kwaye uzame ukuzibeka ezinye ezintsha. Yiba nokuhlekisa (umzekelo, unokuyilingisa ngakumbi “inkwenkwana yakho yangaphakathi” kwaye ube nesibindi sokwenza umahluko. Ngendlela efanayo, amadoda athandana nabantu ababhinqileyo bangabaphatha abafazi abakhulelweyo “njengoomama” okanye “oomakazi”. Umntwana wakhe ongaphakathi angaqala ukudlala indima "yokwabelana nenkwenkwe", umntwana oxhomekekileyo, inkwenkwe engenalukholo, okanye "owoyikeka ngokuqatha" lowo, mhlawumbi, engaphikisi iminqweno kanina, kodwa ngalo lonke ithuba azame ukuziphindezela ngokuzolileyo kulawulo lwakhe phezu kwakhe kumbangela ukuba acaphukise. "Umntwana oswelekileyo" osandula ukuzonwabisa unandipha ukuthandwa ngunina, ukukhuselwa kwakhe kunye nokuzonwabisa kwayo yonke imibuzo yakhe. Ukuziphatha okufanayo kunokuqikelelwa kwamanye amakhosikazi. Amadoda athandana nabantu abangatshatanga abatshatileyo banokulindela isimo sengqondo esinjalo kubafazi babo, abasele 'bengamakhwenkwe' afuna ukukhathaza, ukukhuselwa, ukubuswa okanye inkxaso evela kumama, ngelixa beqhubeka nokumfumana “ngobukhosi” bakhe Msgstr ", Ngokwenyani okanye ngomfanekiso ngqondweni.

Abasetyhini abanotyekelo lobufanasini banokuwaphatha amadoda aqolileyo njengotata wabo, kwaye bamlungiselele izinto ezingenabuhlobo zolwalamano lwabo noyise. Kubonakala kubo ukuba amadoda awanomdla kubo, okanye banamandla okanye bathintelwe. Ngamanye amaxesha abafazi abanjalo bangamadoda aqolileyo, ngokuthi "ngabahlobo", "kubafana babo". Iziphumo zabantwana zokungathobeli, zokungahloniphi, okanye zokuqhelana zidluliselwa ukusuka kumfanekiso katata ukuya kwamanye amadoda. Abanye abantu basetyhini, indlela yokuziqinisa ibangelwa ngumnqweno wokufezekisa okulindelwe nguyise. Mhlawumbi utata wakhe watyhalela intombi yakhe kwindima yokuba yindoda “ephumelelayo”, engayihloniphi kangako ngenxa yeempawu zakhe zobufazi nakwimpumelelo yakhe; okanye, ngexesha lobutsha bakhe, utata wakhe wagxininisa kwizinto ezifezekisiweyo zabantakwabo, kwaye intombazana yaqala ukulingisa isimilo sabantakwabo.

Abazali

"Intra-umntwana" uyema ekukhuleni kwakhe kwinqanaba lokuziva olungenangqondo, izimvo kunye nokuziphatha, nokuba abazali kudala babhubhile. Indoda ethandana nomntu ongatshatanga idla ngokuqhubeka yoyika utata wayo, ihlala ingenamdla kuye okanye imlahle, kodwa kwangaxeshanye ifuna ukwamkelwa. Isimo sakhe sengqondo kuyise sinokuboniswa ngala mazwi: "Andifuni kwanto esifana nawe", okanye: "Andizukulandela imiyalelo yakhe, imiyalelo yakho, ukuba awuzukundiphatha ngentlonipho efanelekileyo. Indoda enjalo ingahlala ithandwe ngunina, iyala ukuba ngumntu omdala ngokunxulumene naye kunye noyise. Zimbini iindlela zokusombulula le ngxaki. Okokuqala, yamkele uyihlo enjalo kwaye woyise u-antipathy wakho kuye kwaye unqwenele ukumphindezela. Ngokuchasene noko, bonisa naziphi na iimpawu zokujonga kuye kwaye ubonise umdla ebomini bakhe. Okwesibini, yala ukungenelela kukamama ebomini bakho kunye nokususwa kwentsana yakho kuwe. Kuya kufuneka uyenze ngobunono, kodwa ngokuzingisileyo. Ungamvumeli ukuba akuphathe gadalala ngokuthanda kakhulu okanye ukuba nenkxalabo ngawe (ukuba ikho kwimeko yakho). Sukudibana naye rhoqo ukuze ufumane iingcebiso kwaye ungamvumeli ukuba asombulule iingxaki onokuzisombulula yedwa. Injongo yakho mibini: ukophula ubudlelwane obubi notata wakho, kwaye "uyonwabele" kunye nonyoko. Yiba ngunyana ozimeleyo, okhulileyo wabazali bakho obaphatha kakuhle. Ekugqibeleni, oku kuya kukhokelela kuthando olunzulu ngotata wakho, kwaye uya kuziva ukuba ungowakho, kwaye, nokuba kunokwenzeka, umgama omkhulu kubudlelwane nomama wakho, oya kongeza kolu lwalamano, nangona kunjalo, ukunyaniseka ngakumbi. Ngamanye amaxesha umama uyathintela ukwakhiwa kobudlelwane obutsha kwaye azame ukubuyisa ubuhlobo bakhe bangaphambili ebuntwaneni. Nangona kunjalo, kuhlalutyo lokugqibela, ihlala iphantsi, kwaye ubudlelwane ngokubanzi buye bungabi bucinezeli kwaye bube ngaphezulu kwendalo. Musa ukoyika ukuphulukana nonyoko kwaye ungoyiki imvakalelo emnyama ngakuye (njengoko kusenzeka kwezinye iimeko). Kuya kufuneka "ukhokele" umama kolu lwalamano (ngelixa eqhubeka nonyana wakhe onothando), ungamgqithi.

Abafazi abanesini esahlukileyo kubantu besini esahlukileyo badla ngokoyisa utyekelo lokugatya amanina kwaye batshintshe indlela abangayithandiyo okanye umgama weemvakalelo. Apha kwakhona indlela elungileyo iya kubakho ukubonakaliswa kweempawu zokuqwalaselwa okuqhelekileyo kwintombazana enomdla kunina. Kwaye ngaphezulu kwako konke, zama ukuyamkela, ngayo yonke imbonakalo yayo entsokothileyo okanye engathandekiyo, ngaphandle kokuphendula kubo kakhulu. 'Kumntwana ongaphakathi,' ngokwahlukileyo, kuyinto eqhelekileyo ukwala yonke into evela kumzali uluthando aluthandayo. Unokudehlukanisa nenyani yokuba umzali akanakutshintsha, ngelixa oku kungamthinteli umntu oqolileyo ukuba athande kwaye amkele lo mzali, aziqonde njengomntwana wakhe. Emva kwayo yonke loo nto, uyinyama yenyama yakhe, umele isini sabazali bakho. Imvakalelo yokuba ngumzali bobabini luphawu lokukhula ngokwasemphefumlweni. Abafazi abaninzi abathandanayo abathandanayo banokuyeka ukuqhina kunye noyise. Aba bantu basetyhini kufuneka bafundise ukunganikezeli kumnqweno kayise wokumphatha njengomhlobo wabo oyindoda kwaye bangazabalazeli ngeempumelelo azilindeleyo kuye. Kuya kufuneka alahle isazisi esimiselwe kuye noyise, athobele umgaqo "ndifuna ukuba ngumfazi endinguye nentombi yakho, hayi unyana wesahlulelo." Indlela “enamandla” yokwakha ubudlelwane obusempilweni nabazali kukuxolelwa. Rhoqo asikwazi ukuxolela kwangoko nangokugqibeleleyo.

Nangona kunjalo, kwimeko ethile, sinokuthi sigqibe ukuxolela kwangoko, umzekelo, xa sikhumbula ezinye zeendlela zokuziphatha zabazali bethu okanye isimo sabo sengqondo ngathi. Ngamanye amaxesha ukuxolelwa kuhamba kunye nomzabalazo wangaphakathi, kodwa uhlala uzisa isiqabu, kuzalisa ubudlelwane nabazali ngothando, kwaye kususe iibhloko zonxibelelwano. Ngandlela thile, uxolelo lufana nokuphelisa "whimp" yangaphakathi kunye nezikhalazo malunga nabazali bakhe omnye. Nangona kunjalo, kukho necala lokuziphatha lokuxolelwa, yiyo loo nto linzulu kakhulu. Ikwabandakanya ukuyeka ukuzonwabisa. Ukongeza, ukuxolela kuthetha ukungatshintshi isimo sengqondo, kodwa ukuba yinyani, kufuneka kubandakanya isenzo kunye nezenzo ezithile.

Kodwa ayisiyonto yokuxolelwa kuphela. Ukuba uhlalutya isimo sakho sengqondo sokungabi nabuntu kubazali, uya kubona ukuba ungunobangela wesimo sengqondo esingalunganga kuwe, kwaye uswele nothando kubo. Xa utshintsha ubudlelwane, kunokufuneka ukuba ube nengxoxo evulekileyo malunga neengxaki zakho ukuze ubathethelele kwaye ubacele ukuba baxolelwe.

Ukuseka ubudlelwane nabantu besini esahlukileyo; umtshato

Eli linyathelo lokugqibela ekutshintsheni ubomi bakho - ukusuka kwiimvakalelo kunye nokuziphatha 'kwenkwenkwe engenabudoda' okanye 'intombazana engenabufazi' ukuya kwiimvakalelo kunye nokuziphatha kwendoda eqhelekileyo okanye umfazi oqhelekileyo. Indoda mayiyeke ukulindela abafazi abakwiminyaka yakhe ukuba bayikhusele, bayitotose, okanye bayiphathe njengomntwana, kwaye baphume kwindima yomntakwabo oodade wabo ongenalwazi, ongafunekiyo kubudoda okanye ubunkokheli bendoda. Ukwafuneka oyise uloyiko lwakhe kwabasetyhini, uloyiko "lomntwana ohluphekileyo" ongakwaziyo ukuthatha indima yendoda nangayiphi na indlela. Ukuba yindoda kuthetha ukuthatha uxanduva kunye nobunkokeli kumfazi. Oku kuthetha ukungavumeli umama-mama ukuba alawule, kodwa endaweni yoko, xa kukho imfuneko, ukuba abe yinkokeli kwaye enze izigqibo ngokudibeneyo. Kuqhelekile ukuba inyathelo lokutshata nendoda yobufanasini livele emfazini wakhe, nangona kunokuba yinto eqhelekileyo ukuba indoda yoyise umfazi. Ngokwesiqhelo umfazi ufuna ukunqwenelwa kwaye woyiswe sisithandwa sakhe.

Ibhinqa elinobungqingili bobungqingili kufuneka linqobele ukwenqaba okungafanelekanga kwendima yowesifazane kuyo kwaye yamkele ngentliziyo yam yonke indima ekhokelayo yendoda. Ababhinqileyo bathathela ingqalelo olu luthando lesono, kodwa enyanisweni, umbono olingana nendima yesini ayisiyonyani ukuba izizukulwana ezizayo ziya kuthatha njengento egqwethekileyo yenkcubeko ewohlokayo. Umahluko phakathi kwendima yendoda neyababhinqileyo yangaphakathi, kwaye abantu abalwa notyekelo lwabo lobufanasini kufuneka babuyela kule ndima.

Iimvakalelo zesini esifana nesakho ziza kuphela ukuba imvakalelo yobuntu okanye ubufazi buyabuyiselwa. Nangona kunjalo, umntu akufuneki "aqeqeshe" kubungqingili, kuba oku kunokuphucula ukuzithemba okuphantsi: "Ndimele ndiveze ubudoda bam (ubufazi)." Zama ukungazibandakanyi kubudlelwane obusondeleyo nommeli wesini esahlukileyo, ukuba awuthandani kwaye awuziva umtsalane kulo mntu. Nangona kunjalo, kumntu ukulahla ubungqingili, ngamanye amaxesha (nangona kungenjalo rhoqo) inkqubo yokwenyani inokuthatha iminyaka eliqela. Ngokubanzi, kungcono ukulinda kunokutshata ngaphambi kwexesha. Umtshato ayisiyona njongo iphambili kumlo wokulalana ngokwesondo oqhelekileyo, kwaye izehlo akufuneki zikhawuleziswe apha

Kubaxhasi abaninzi bobufanasini, umtshato ubangela iimvakalelo ezixubeneyo zentiyo kunye nomona, kwaye abantu abanjalo bacaphuka msinyane nje bakuva ukuba omnye wabahlobo babo abangatshatanga naye utshatile. Baziva njengabangaphandle abangaphandle ngeendlela ezininzi abangaphantsi kwabahlobo babo. Kwaye ngelixa 'abantwana' okanye "abakwishumi elivisayo," kunzima kubo ukuqonda okuninzi kubudlelwane bendoda nendoda. Nangona kunjalo, ngokuthe ngcembe ukulahla i-neurosis yabo, abantu abanotyekelo lobufanasini baqala ukuqonda amandla obudlelwane phakathi kwendoda nebhinqa kwaye bayayamkela into yokuba bona ngokwabo banokuba yinxalenye yeli lizwe labantu abadala kumadoda nabafazi.

Ukuqukumbela, ndifuna ukuthi: ungaze usebenzise enye ukuze uzibhengeze ngokwenkcubeko yesiko elihlumayo. Ukuba ufuna ukusinda inoveli nje ukuze uqiniseke ngesiqu sakho (ukuphuhlisa) ubungqingili, kukho umngcipheko wokwazi ukubuyela ebuntwaneni kwakhona. Sukungena kubudlelwane obusondeleyo de uqiniseke ukuba olu luthando oluhambelanayo, kubandakanya uthando olungathandekiyo, kodwa alupheleli apho; nothando olunjalo apho nina nigqibe kwelokuba nithembeke omnye komnye. Kwaye oku kuthetha ukuba ukhetha umntu ongenguye owakho, kodwa ngenxa yakhe.

Umthombo