Nkhani yowona mtima ya munthu amene kale anali mwamuna kapena mkazi, yomwe ikufotokoza za moyo wa tsiku ndi tsiku wa "ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha"—kugonana kosatha, kugonana kwachiwerewere ndi matenda ena okhudzana nawo, zibonga, mankhwala osokoneza bongo, mavuto a m'mimba, kuvutika maganizo, ndi kusakhutira kosatha komanso kusungulumwa, komwe kumabweretsa mpumulo wakanthawi. Nkhaniyi ili ndi tsatanetsatane wonyansa wa machitidwe a amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndi zotsatira zake, kusiya zotsalira za ndowe zomwe mosakayikira zidzakhala zovuta kwa owerenga osadziwa. Nthawi yomweyo, amafotokoza molondola kuipa kwa moyo wa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, wobisika pansi pa chithunzi chosangalatsa, cha utawaleza. Apa, chowonadi chowawa cha amuna ogonana amuna okhaokha chikuwonetsedwa momwe chilili— chonyansa , chopanda nzeru, komanso chopanda chifundo. "Kukhala mwamuna kapena mkazi wamwamuna" pamapeto pake kumatanthauza kuvutika ndi kupweteka, kodetsedwa ndi ndowe ndi magazi, osati anyamata a maso akulu akugwirana manja mu nthano za fan za yaoi.

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Ku 1989, ndidafika kudera lotchuka kwambiri la Castro ku San Francisco ndili mwana wochepera wazaka pafupifupi 19. Ndidakulidwa wosungulumwa komanso wosungulumwa ndipo ndikufuna kuti ndidzakhale gawo la china chake. Pafupifupi kuyambira pa chiyambi cha unyamata, anyamata ena kusukulu kwathupi adandikana. Ngakhale motsogozedwa ndi testosterone adadumphadumpha kuti achite zinthu zambiri zachimuna, monga masewera andewu, ndidali wamantha komanso wosazindikira. Pamene mawu awo amacheperachepera ndikulimba mtima, mawu anga sanabisike ndipo modabwitsa. Pamene anali kukula ndi kukhala olimba, ndinayamba kumawakonda komanso kukhala amodzimodzi. Amuna achichepere a alpha, monga lamulo, anali opambana kwambiri mu mpira ndipo mosalephera adakhala atsogoleri pakupuma komanso maphunziro a masewera olimbitsa thupi. Nthawi zonse amakhala akunyoza kuti sinditha kuchita masewera ndipo amandiwonetsa kuti ndine wopanda pake. Palibe amene amafuna kunditengera ku gulu lawo. Nthawi zonse ndinangokhala womaliza, ngakhale atsikana ang'ono kuposa ine adasankhidwa.

Panalinso anyamata ena osatengera kalasi m'malasi mwanga - onenepa kwambiri kapena waufupi kwambiri, omwe adachitiridwa chimodzimodzi. Koma atha kusintha kukana kukhala mwayi chifukwa chodzinyazitsa kapena kuseka nane kapena winawake. Sindingathe kuchita izi. Ndinkakonda kutenga chilichonse pamtima komanso nkhawa kuchokera pachinyengo chilichonse. Wogwiritsa ntchito mwankhanza kwambiri wa anyamata aja amawoneka wankhanza kwa ine. Nthawi yomweyo, pamene amakana ndikundinyoza, ndimafunafuna malo pakati pawo. Zomwe ndimaganizira ndili mwana ndidayamba kuganizira za munthu wamkulu yemwe amanditenga ngati mnzake. Nditamaliza sukulu, ndinathamangira kunyumba kuti ndikaonerere Batman ndikudziwitsa kuti ndine Robin. Ndizachilendo kuti mpaka pano, malingaliro osangalatsa okhudzana ndi Batman ndi Robin ali ponseponse mu chikhalidwe cha gay.

Nditafika ku San Francisco, ndidali wamwano, wochepa thupi komanso wowopsa, koma ndidazindikira kuti amuna akufuna kukhala ndi ine. Apa mawonekedwe achichepere anali mwayi wowonekera. Mnyamatayo, yemwe palibe amene amafuna pa timu yake, adakhala wokondedwa. Panalibe kufunikira kwazinthu zofunikira, zimangofunika kulimbitsa mphamvu, kupirira komanso kusawerengeka. Mosiyana ndi ubwana wathu wotayika, panali anthu pano omwe anali okonzeka kutiphunzitsa ndikutitsogolera. Pafupifupi aliyense wa ife anali ndi wokondedwa woyamba, wodziwa zambiri komanso wolimba mtima. M'malingaliro athu, adatiperekeza kudziko la amuna, komwe nthawi zonse timadzimva kuti tili otalikirana. Ndipo pamapeto pake, adakwaniritsa izi ndi thandizo la kugonana.

Usiku woyamba womwe ine ndinapinda mu bar yanga yoyamba ya gay, ndinali osatetezeka komanso mwana wamanyazi. Sindinadziwe choti ndichite. Zomwe ndimakumana nazo zokhazokha zokhudzana ndi kugonana kwa amuna zinali zochepa kuwonera zolaula za gay, ndipo ndidachita chidwi ndi zithunzi izi. Panali dongosolo loyambirira komanso miyambo ya zonse zomwe zimawonetsedwa kumeneko - zazitali ndi zazing'ono, zazing'ono zocheperako, zazing'ono ndi zopanda nzeru. Anthu okhwima komanso olimba mtima nthawi zonse amakhala odzipereka kuchimuna ndi anthu osadziwa zambiri komanso osachita chidwi kwenikweni ndi achinyamata.

Kuchokera ku zolaula, ndimadziwa pafupifupi zomwe ndingayembekezere. Ndinali nditaonera mafilimu okhala ndi mitu yofanana yoopsa monga "Daddy, This Hurts," "Stop, This Hurts," ndi "This Is Going to Hurt." Ndinaganiza kuti kusintha kwanga kukhala mwamuna ndi mwambo wopita patsogolo, ndipo pakati pa vuto la Edzi , monga amuna amitundu yosiyanasiyana omwe ayenera kupirira mazunzo osiyanasiyana akuthupi ndi mayesero kuti alowe nawo m'gulu la amuna, ndinali wokonzeka kupirira chilichonse munjira imeneyi, ngakhale imfa.

Chodzikanira mu zolaula za gay nthawi zonse zimakhala zogonana. Kugonana kwamankhwala kumapatsa kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Msonkhanowu, womwe umaphatikizapo kusakhala ndi mwayi wowerengeka, umawoneka wopanda ntchito komanso wowonjezera. Kuthekera kwa kuphatikiza koteroko kunali kuyesa modabwitsa, koma ndinali wokhumudwa ndi kuthekera konse kotenga Edzi ndipo ndinakana kuyika moyo wanga pachiwopsezo, ngakhale ndimadziwa kuti sindingakhale bwino mpaka nditapeza kulimba mtima komvera.

Ndinaganiza zambiri za izi ndipo tsiku lina ndikupita ku pharmac yakomweko ku Castro gay mecca, yodzadza ndimankhwala osokoneza bongo komanso kutsuka enemas. Maola angapo otsatira, ndinadya pang'ono ndipo ndimamwa mankhwala otsekemera ndi madzi ambiri. M'mawa mwake, nditatulutsa enema mu phukusi, ndinali kukayikira. Ndi nsonga yake yayitali, yothira mafuta, adawoneka ngati chida chomazunza.

Kwa mphindi zingapo, ndinatsamira pachitsimechi kuchimbudzi, ndikufinya minofu yonse ya thupi langa mpaka kukhala osavutika. Ndikayang'ana m'mbuyo, izi zikuwoneka kuti ndi mwambo wa kuyeretsa pamaso pamwambo wamtundu wachikunja. Ndinafufuza thupi langa kuti ndiyambenso kubadwanso, koma zilibe kanthu kuti ndinadzipaka ndekha ndi madzi amchere, ndinangokhala ngati Nyanja Yakufa ku Sodomu. Kwakanthawi ndinasambira pamtunda, koma palibe chomwe chikanandichirikiza. Zinakhalako zokha.

Ndimamva kuwawa tsiku lonse. Zokhudza kugonana, mosiyana ndi zolaula, sizinatenge mphindi makumi awiri kapena makumi atatu, zonse zinali mwachangu. Ngakhale nthano ya munthu wamphamvu yokhulupirira, kudzipereka kumeneku kunafunikira kupweteka, kupirira, ndi kugonjera. Malingaliro omwe amabwera chifukwa choyesera kupumula minofu ya sphincter, popeza kugwira kwawo moyenera kumatengera kulimbana kwawo kosalekeza, zinali zodabwitsa kwambiri. Sindingathe kuchita izi. Atafika pamayesero, wokondedwa wanga adaika bong pansi pa mphuno yanga. Ndinagwedezeka, ndipo mtima wanga unayamba kutuluka pachifuwa panga.

Mlingo woyandikira anali kwambiri kapena wosazizira, kutengera mawonekedwe ndi mawonekedwe amaso. Ndinabisa nkhope yanga mu bulangeti, kenako ndinalimba mtima kuyang'ana nkhope ya munthu kuposa ine. Panalibe kalikonse. M'malo mwake, chinali chazinthu zofunikira pabanja, koma sindinali mkazi, ndipo ndinalibe maliseche. Pazamoyo zanga palibe chomwe chinasinthidwa kuvomereza mbolo; kunalibe mafuta achilengedwe, ndipo zinapweteka mpaka ndinasiya kumva chilichonse. Nthawi zina, zomwe zinkachitikazi zinkawoneka ngati zoyaka komanso zowawa. Pakufuna kwathu njira yakulimba mtima, tidzipeza tokha kubwerera ku makanda ndi ma diapala. Pafupifupi zaka makumi awiri kuchokera pakutha kwa chikhalidwe chotere, nthabwala zoyipa kwambiri ndizakuti nthawi zina ndimavala ma diap. Mnyamata yemwe amafuna kukhala bambo adakakamira paubwana.

Kuchita sikunasinthe ntchitoyi, ndipo sikuwoneka mwachilengedwe mwanjira iliyonse. Sizinakhale zosavuta. Zoyambirira komanso zoyipa zomwe zidapangitsa kuti kugonana kuzioneka ngati zachipatala komanso ngati zoyeserera. Kwa kanthawi, ndinali wokonda amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndipo ndinadabwitsidwa ndi kutuluka kwamankhwala azimayi ogonana, kufunikira kwawo kukondana ndikuwonetseratu - zomwe amuna ogonana amuna okhaokha amayesera kuzichotsa. Izi zikutsimikiziridwa ndi mazana a "mabowo aulemerero" omwe adaboola m'magawo azimbudzi ku San Francisco, chifukwa chogonana wopanda dzina komanso wopanda umunthu komwe kumachitika paliponse pomwe pakamwa pamatseguka. Kusintha kwa njira yogonana mwa amayi kumakonzekeretsa matupi awo kuti athe kulowa. Palibe makina oterewa amakhudzidwa ndi anus yamunthu.

Nthawi ina ndinali wokangalika kwambiri m'mayendedwe anga oyeretsa ndikudziwotcha ndi saline. Anzathu adalimbikitsa ma enemas opangidwa ndi nyumba, ndi madzi ndi soda. Wina analimbikitsa madzi ndi aloe, ndipo chinsinsi chodabwitsa chinali ndi madzi ndi khofi nthawi yomweyo. Mnzathu wamkulu kwambiri kuposa ine, yemwe ndimamudalira mwanjira iliyonse, adanditengera pambali, ndipo tidasinthiratu zokambirana zapakati pa bambo ndi mwana wake. Adalimbikitsa a proctologist wabwino ndikufotokozera kuzunza kwake komwe ndi mankhwala osagwira komanso mafuta osiyanasiyana. Adafotokozera mwatsatanetsatane kupweteka komwe kumabwera chifukwa cha vaseline.

Zotupa ndi enemas ngakhale kamodzi pa sabata zimaphwa kale membala woonda wa rectum. Mmodzi ndi mmodzi, ndinatenga matenda angapo opatsirana pogonana - woyamba rectal gonorrhea, kenako rectal chlamydia. Ndili ndi zotupa, zomwe poyamba sizinkandivuta, popeza khungu langa lomvera silinali kuyankha bwino mafuta oyendetsera omwe amagwiritsidwa ntchito. Zonunkhira zapaderazo zinali zopanda ntchito, ndipo zilonda zam'mimba ndi matuza zinayamba kufalikira mkati. Kwakanthawi ndithu ndinapitiliza kugona ndi anal. Palibe amene ankawoneka kuti akuwona buluku langa lotseguka pang'ono m'mabwalo amdima a San Francisco, zowawa zokha sizinapirire, ndipo ndinatembenukira ku chipatala chakomweko. Anandipatsa mankhwala amphamvu. Mimba yanga sindinkayenda nawo bwino, ndipo kwa masiku angapo ndinadwala ndi zowawa komanso ndimatumbo osatha.

Kwakanthawi, ndinatsala pang'ono kusiya zochitika zonse zogonana zogonana, koma zovuta zanga za pakhungu zidachoka ndipo ndinabwereranso kwa iye. Pazifukwa zina sindikanatha kuyima. Zinali zodabwitsa kuti munthu wina yemwe akundilowa amangopangitsa kuti azikhala wokhutira kotero kuti thupi linamukana. Zinali ngati kutenga Ecstasy usiku wamalonda ndi kugonana. Ndinkamva kuti mankhwalawo akufalikira. Mu ma ola osangalatsa awa, ndinali amodzi mkati mwanga, thupi langa ndi chilengedwe. Kenako, ndikumatsata zogonana ndi abambo, ndidagwa nditazindikira kuti ndinali nditatsekeka mu msampha wakale wamau. Nthawi yomweyo mtima wanga unayamba kubwereranso, ndipo ndidatsata kuyitanidwa kuti ndidye ndekha ndi china chochokera kunja, ngakhale sichikhala bwino.

Pofika kumapeto kwa zaka za m'ma 1990, sindinali wamng'ono komanso woonda, ndipo anyamata atsopano omwe amafika ku San Francisco anali osiyana ndi omwe adabwera kale. Iwo analibe mantha kwambiri. Kwa mamembala otsala am'badwo wanga, mphira wochepa kwambiri womwe udawasiyanitsa ndi okondedwa awo udali wokulira ngati khoma lamanjerwa. Kondomu idayimira chotchinga chomaliza pakati pa amuna ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ndi cholinga chawo chamisala yosadziwika. Ndinawona kuti ndi anyamata angati omwe asiya mndandanda wakale wopatulika wosalembedwa wogonana mosatekeseka usiku wonse. Masiku amenewo, kwenikweni aliyense amawoneka akugonana mosadziteteza. Ndinachita chidwi ndi kukonzanso mwadala kwa 70 hedonism. Mabala achiwerewere ndi zibonga adasewera nyimbo zonse zachikale zamu disco. Kunali kubwerera ku m'badwo wagolide wa ufulu wakugonana.

Komabe, chombo chagolide chomwe tinkachilakalaka kwambiri chinakhala lonjezo lina lopanda pake. Mwadzidzidzi, aliyense amene anali pafupi nane anayamba kudwala. Kachiromboka kanakhudza kwambiri omwe anali aang'ono mokwanira kuti azichita zachiwerewere. Anapirira mavuto ambiri panthawiyi, koma anakhumudwa kwambiri atatenga kachilombo ka HIV ndi matenda ena opatsirana. Mpaka lero, chiwerengero chachikulu cha "amuna ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha" omwe ali ndi kachilombo ka Edzi chili m'gulu la zaka zapakati pa 25 ndi 34.

Kuwonongeka kolumikizana koyembekezeredwa, komwe kumayenera kuchitika kudzera pakukhudzana ndi khungu, sikunapangidwe. Akuluakulu ambiri omwe amuna awo anamwalira ndi okondedwa chifukwa cha Edzi mu 80 ndipo amadziwa kale chikhalidwe cha gay, chomwe chimapangitsa kuti anthu ambiri azifa, pang'ono pang'ono adatembenuka ndikukhazikika komwe amakhala kunja kwa Castro. Mokulira, adapanga gulu lomwe pambuyo pake limakakamira ukwati wokwatirana. Kwa kanthawi ndinali m'modzi wa iwo ndipo ndimakhala okhutitsidwa ndi wokondedwa m'modzi. Koma kugonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha sikunakhalepo chipembedzo chonyenga. Gulu la gay ndi gulu la malo osiyanasiyana omwe amakhala mkati mwa mipiringidzo, saunas, ndipo tsopano pamaofesi a geosocial, komwe zithunzi masauzande opanda mutu zimayamba kuwoneka ngati zidutswa za miyala ya ma demigods akale achi Greek ndi Roma. Koma milungu yachimuna ndi milungu yambiri ya milungu yambiri yabodza, yomwe iliyonse imalonjeza mosangalatsa kwa opembedza.

Wokonda yemwe amakhala ndi ine anali guwa, pomwepo ndimagwada kangapo, koma nthawi iliyonse ndimafuna kudzuka ndikuchokapo, chifukwa mapemphero anga okhudzidwa kwamkati sanayankhidwe. Sodomy, ndi kusazindikira kwake, yakhala yotenga nthawi yambiri komanso yotopetsa, nthawi zambiri imafuna ntchito yolimbikira kuti amalize ntchitoyo. Milungu yamphongo ikakhala m'thupi la munthu wina, mgonero wabodza wamagazi umachitika womwe sumabweretsa chiwombolo. Kukula ndi kutsika kwa zoyembekezera kumafuna ulendo wopita kudziko lopanda Holy Sepulcher. Kupembedza kumafulumira kukhala waulesi ndikukhazikika pansi pa goli latsiku ndi tsiku lokhumudwitsa. Kupezeka kwa theka lachiwiri lomwe mukufuna ndilolemetsa mopweteka. Zotsatira zake, kukondana nthawi zambiri kumakhudzana ndi kuseweretsa maliseche komanso kugonana m'kamwa. Ndinali nditatopa ndikutulutsa tsitsi lakubisila mkamwa mwanga usiku uliwonse. Nthawi yathu yapadera yomasulirana inachitika padera, pomwe nkhope ya m'modzi idayikidwa m'manda a mnzake. Izi ndizofala pakati pa omwe amatchedwa "maanja okhaokha" omwe kale adabereka mawu akuti "f * ck buddies", omwe amafotokoza za omwe amagonana nawo ngati awiriwo avomera kukhala pachibwenzi kwinaku akumangokhalira kukondana. Nthawi zina m'modzi mwa omwe sagwirizana nawo samadziwa ngati mnzake apita ku sauna kapena kutsegula mbiri ku Grindr. Sindidzaiwala mnzanga wapamtima yemwe amakhala ndi nkhawa mpaka kalekale za machitidwe anga osasamala, omwe amamwalira pambuyo posintha okonda ochepa, kutenga kachilombo ka HIV kuchokera kwa mnzake wosakhulupirika.

Chinsinsi cha Edzi chakhala chikundisangalatsa nthawi zonse mpaka pano. Zinali ngati kuti umuna ulibe kwina koti upite ndipo palibe choti ungachite, ndipo m'kukhumudwa kwawo adatembenukira iwo omwe amawagwiritsa ntchito molakwika, kuwapangitsa kudwala ndi kufa.

Pambuyo pazovuta zambiri zakanthawi, ndidadwala ndikutuluka m'mimba. Ndidayesa kuchiza ndimankhwala ogulitsira m'sitolo ndi ma suppositories. Tsiku lina ndinakumana ndi anzanga pachakudya chamadzulo, pomwe mwadzidzidzi panali mafuta ochuluka kumbuyo kwanga thalauza langa, mosadziwika bwino kwa ine. Aliyense anamvetsa zomwe zinali kuchitika ndipo sananene chilichonse, koma zinali zochititsa manyazi. Pambuyo pake, proctologist adalimbikitsa opaleshoni. Ndinakana.

Mavuto osalekeza omwe amakhala ndi gawo ili la thupi langa amandipangitsa kuti ndizolowerera kwambiri, ndipo izi zidakulitsa vutoli. Ndidachita rectum ngati chitho chamkazi, ndipo mlingaliro lina, idayamba kuchita motero. Mwachitsanzo, kununkhira nthawi zonse kumakhala vuto nthawi yogonana kwamasamba, ndipo wina amati ndiwothandiza kugwiritsa ntchito mankhwala osokoneza bongo a vagin ngati Eve ya Summer. Izi zinagwira ntchito kwakanthawi, koma kenako kupwetekako kudakula. Mulingo wa asidi wa rectum wanga unali wofanana ndi dziwe losiyidwa la Arizona lokhala ndi madzi obiriwira odzala ndi tchire la udzudzu. Chodetsa nkhawa china chonse chinali kuthekera kwa zomwe zimadziwika kuti "miss" pakugonana. Ndamva nkhani zikufotokozedwa mobwerezabwereza, zamtundu waulesi zomwe siziteteza. Nthawi ina, pogonana popanda kondomu ndi chibwenzi changa, modzidzimutsa ndidamva kuyipa koopsa. Ndidatulutsa chiwalo ndipo ndidapeza kuti chidakutidwa ndi ndowe. Usiku womwewo zonse zidatha kwa ine.

Ndakhala ndikudwala matenda angapo a yisiti kangapo. Nthawi zonse ndimayembekeza kuti sichinthu china ndipo ndimangopita kuchipatala ndikachedwa. Ululuwo unali wosapiririka. Kuyabwa kosalekeza ndi kuyabwa kunapangitsa khungu langa kukhala lofiira ndi lopweteka. Thupi langa limatuluka nthawi zonse ndikutuluka, komwe kumakhumudwitsanso minofu yoyandikana nayo. Nthawi zambiri, maantibayotiki asanayambe kugwira ntchito, ndinkangovala zikhomo zazimayi zamkati mkati mwa kabudula wanga wamkati. Poyamba ndinkachita manyazi mpaka mzanga atandiuza za wokondedwa wake - bambo yemwe ndimamuwona ngati umuna wankhanza. Ngakhale pakadali pano anali wothandiza yekha, iye, monga womanga zolimbitsa thupi, amayenera kuvala matewera achikulire kumalo ochitira masewera olimbitsa thupi chifukwa cha kuyesayesa, adadzichitira zachinyengo.

Komabe, sindinachite mantha kwenikweni, pokhapokha ngati ndimatsuka mthupi ndimakomedwe ndipo enemas anakwiya kwambiri m'mimba mwanga, zomwe zimapangitsa zomwe proctologist amatcha spastic colitis. Nthawi zonse ndimakhala ndikukhazikika pakati pa kudzimbidwa koopsa ndi kukokana kowawa komwe kumayambitsa matenda osokoneza bongo pafupifupi. Kuchulukitsa vutolo, kumetedwa kwakanthawi kwa malo a anal kunapangitsa khungu kukwiya komanso kuyamba kutenga matenda.

Panali ndewu yopitilira pakati pa kapangidwe ka thupi langa ndi zomwe ndimafuna kuchita nazo. Zikuwoneka kuti ndimamvetsetsa kuti ndimataya mtima, komabe, nthawi zonse ndimapeza chilimbikitso pakati pa abwenzi omwe anali ndi mavuto omwewo komanso mumasewera osangalatsa a gulu logonana amuna okhaokha omwe amavina pamavuto onse komanso matenda. Tidapitilizabe kugundidwa, koma nthawi iliyonse timafika. Mu imodzi yanyimbo zomaliza zomwe ndidamva ku kalabu yachipatchi, ndidayimba:

Kusungulumwa kwanga kumandipha
koma ndikuvomereza kuti ndikhulupirirabe ...

Ndinkakhulupirirabe kuti zinthu zikhala mosiyanasiyana. Ngakhale sindimakhulupilira za pambuyo pa moyo wamoyo, kukumbukira anzanga omwe adamwalira kale, ndimaganiza kuti akupumula kukumbatirana kwamuyaya komwe kumatsalira kwa iwo moyo wonse. Nthawi zina ndimaganiza kuti kukumbatirana kwamuyaya kumeneku kumaimira kukunda imfa. Zinali kuyamba kundikonda.

Ndisanachoke mnyumba madzulo, ndinayamba ntchito yoyeretsa, kenako ndikukhala pachimbudzi ndikumapanikiza kwa mphindi zochepa. Ma hemorrhoids anga adayamba kuvuta. Adayamba kutuluka, kenako rectum yanga idayamba kugwa. Zotsatira zake, ndimatuluka magazi ndimatumbo onse. Ndinazindikira kuti kukhala ndi bala lowala mthupi langa kunandipangitsa kuti ndizitha kutenga kachilomboka. Kenako sindinamvetsetse kuti chilonda china, chomwe sichinawonekere chomwe chinkandizunza kuyambira ndili mwana ndi chomwe chidayambitsa mavuto omwe ndidakumana nawo. Pofika nthawi imeneyi, ndinali ndimadwala pafupipafupi motero ndinkaonetsetsa kuti ndayamba kale kudwala.

Kenako ndinalowa m'gulu la anthu opanda mantha, achinyamata komanso osadziwa zambiri, osungulumwa komanso oledzera, omwe amati alibe kachilombo ka HIV komanso omwe ali kale ndi kachilomboka. M'magulu awa, kudzinenera kuti ndi otetezeka kugonana kunalibe, kapena mlengalenga unali wotentha kwambiri moti aliyense sakanatha kuyima ndikutsegula phukusi la kondomu. Nthawi zambiri, anthu okhala m'dziko lino ankaona maloto awo ogonana mozama. Ambiri, monga ine, anali amuna omwe anali okonzeka kusiya njira yachikasu ya njerwa ndikupita njira iliyonse yopita kumbali. Sitinalandire mphamvu yamwamuna kuchokera kwa Mfiti ya ku Oz, chifukwa tinabadwira kukhala "akazi" ndi "opusa." Sitingathe kupita kunyumba, choncho tinapandukira kulephera kwathu ndipo tinafunafuna machiritso mkati mwathu.

Otsatira okonda kwambiri anali omwe amalakalaka kuti atenge kachilombo kuchokera kwa wopereka kachiromboka. Kusagonana kothekera kudzera mu kugonana kwa amuna okhaokha kapena akazi okhaokha kumasiya kuzindikira kwa onse omwe akukhudzidwa. Kubwezeretsako kunkaphatikizapo kuyambitsa tinthu tomwe timayipitsa mu umuna, komwe kumatha kudutsa membrane wa khungu lililonse, ndikusintha wolandirayo. Izi zinali zotsatira zowawa za mtundu wosavomerezeka, womwe, monga mnyamata, ndimayesetsa kukwaniritsa chilungamo kudzera pakugonana ndi amuna ena. Izi sizinachitike. Pokhumudwitsa, kufunafuna kuleza mtima kwa tanthauzo lakuya la kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kumayamba, ndikufufuzidwa kwina kwakukulu.

Kufunika kogwiritsa ntchito kondomu pogonana ndi munthu kumaiwalika mosavuta mu chisangalalo chogonana. Izi zinali chimodzimodzi ndi kugwiritsa ntchito mafuta odzola. Kutengera ndi malo ndi momwe zinthu zilili, amuna ambiri ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amagwiritsa ntchito malovu awoawo kuti azitha kulowa mosavuta. Akakanda, malovuwo amakhala ouma komanso omata, ndipo ma enzymes ake ogaya chakudya amamveka ngati akudya khungu lopyapyala m'matako. Kuphatikiza apo, kuchita kale anilingus kungapangitse amuna ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kutenga matenda enaake komanso matenda otsegula m'mimba otchedwa shigellosis.

Kwa kanthawi, ndinali nditadwala matenda a pakhosi mosadziwa otchedwa chlamydial. Zizindikiro zanga zokha zinali kutentha thupi pang'ono ndi kupweteka pakhosi, zomwe ndinaganiza kuti ndi chimfine chosatha. Pambuyo pake, ndinayamba kudwala matenda oopsa a thrush , ndipo ululu unakula kwambiri. Zinali ngati kuti tonsil yanga inali kuphikidwa kumbuyo kwa khosi langa nthawi zonse.

Poyamba vuto la Edzi, mtolankhani wotchuka wa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha Randy Shilts analosera za mtundu wa zotsatira zoyipa m'dziko la amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, zomwe zimachitika chifukwa cha kusowa kwa akazi odziletsa komanso kuchuluka kwa testosterone m'thupi, zomwe zimapangitsa kuti anthu ambiri azigonana mopitirira muyeso zomwe pamapeto pake zidzapsereza onse omwe akukhudzidwa:

"Palibe chilichonse chazomwe zimagona amuna zomwe zitha kupititsa patsogolo miyambo yaimuna, yopezeka kuti yaledzera monga munthu wina aliyense wamkazi yemwe sanaganizirepo. Zachiwerewere zili ponseponse, chifukwa mu zikhalidwe zochepa zokhala amuna okha, palibe amene angakane. Palibe amene ali ndi gawo lofanana lofanana ndi la mayi yemwe amakhala pachiwerewere. Amuna ena omwe amagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amavomereza kuti angasangalale ndi malingaliro ogonana osachedwa, opezeka, ngakhale osadziwika omwe amaperekedwa ndi amuna gay ngati angapeze azimayi ofunitsitsa kutero. Zachinyamata, zimagwirizana, nthawi zambiri. ”

Usiku wina wozizira wozizira ndinakhala ndekha mchipinda changa ndipo sindimatha kupumula. Ndinayang'ana pazenera ku Castro Theatre ndipo ndimatha kuona mbendera yayikulu ya utawaleza ikuuluka pamphepo. Ndinakumbukira nthawi yoyamba yomwe ndinazungulira phirilo ku Divisidero zaka 10 zapitazo ndipo ndinawona amuna ambiri achiwerewere akuyenda opanda malaya, olimba mtima komanso onyada. Tsikuli linali lofunda komanso lokongola modabwitsa. Mitundu yowala ya mbendera idawonekera ngati prism yolimbana ndi mitambo yopanda mitambo, yabuluu yabuluu. Zinandidabwitsa chifukwa mkatikati mwa vuto la Edzi, ndimayembekezera kuti ndidzakhala mufilimu yoyipa yakuda ndi yoyera yokhala ndi Zombies zomwe zili ndi HIV zikundidikirira kuti zindisake ndikudya thupi langa. ... Koma ndinali ndi zochepa zochepa. Ndiyenera kuti ndiyike pachiwopsezo, ndikuyika moyo wanga pamzera kwakanthawi kachikondi, kapena kuti ndidzasiyidwa ndekha kwamuyaya. Wachiwiriyu anali wosatheka. Imfa inali yabwino kutsutsa malingaliro anga. Ndikundikundikira pamphumi pagalasi lozizira lazenera, ndinazindikira kuti patadutsa zaka, ndabwera mozungulira. Popanda kuganiza, ndinalowa mchimbudzi ndikukwawa pansi pa sinki pomwe panali ma enemas anga. Tsiku limenelo ndinali ndi yomaliza. Ndinakhala pachimbudzi ndikulira. Sindinadziwe zomwe ndimachita, koma zilizonse, sindimafuna kuzichita. Panthaŵiyo, ndinadzimva wokakamizika ndipo ndinkatsala pang'ono kudziŵa zochita zanga. Ndinamva mawu m'mutu mwanga akunena kuti, "Simuyenera kuchita izi," koma thupi langa limayang'aniridwa kutali.

Ndinatuluka panja, ndikutembenuza ngodya ndikulunjika ku kalabu yomwe ndimakonda kwambiri. Nditangobwera kumene ku San Francisco, ndimangolankhula ndi amuna ena m'chipinda cha alendo ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Posapeza chikhutiro, ndidafuna kupemphera m'Malo Opatulikitsa. Ndidasankha kalabu yachiwerewere, yomwe ndidadutsa kambirimbiri, koma sindinayerekeze kuti ndipite. Pakhomo lakuseri kwagalasi loonera zipolopolo panali khonde lomwe linali lojambula. Ine ndimayembekeza kuti anali wowerenga zamkati mkati. Nditangolipira kuvomereza ndikuyenda pakhomo, mumdima wamkazi wothandizira adatulukira kwina konse. Anali wamantha komanso wamtundu ngati mtsikana. Kuchepa kwake kunali konyansa komanso kopanda chikumbutso zamafuta amwana komanso kutulutsa maluwa posachedwa. Munjira yachilendo, adandikumbutsa za kulephera kwa abambowo kubereka ana. Anali chizindikiro cha chisokonezo. Tinkawakonda amuna omwe amawoneka ngati amuna. Panali malamulo okhwima pachikhalidwe cha amuna gay, komanso kukokera quins anali kuwonedwa ngati opambana ngati amawoneka ngati amuna ndi akazi okhaokha [koma osawoneka ngati akazi]. Anandipatsa kondomu komanso chikwama cha mafuta ngati ketchup. Ndinkaponyera chikwama changa kuchipinda cha Locker ndikupitiliza kuyendayenda m'chipindacho, nditavala kwathunthu. Ndingatani i Ena onse anali amaliseche kapena amavala thaulo loyera m'chiuno. Wothandizira wopanda mawonekedwe adandiyandikira ndikudzudzula chifukwa cha umbuli wanga. “Simungayende pano zovala,” analangiza motero. Ndidabwerera kuchipinda chotsekera ndipo ndidachotsa chilichonse.

Kapangidwe ka kalabu kanali ndi malo angapo okonzedwa mwachilendo, omwe anali amdima kwambiri pamene mukupita mozama. Zokongoletsazo zinali ndi mawu onse achimuna: chrome wopukutidwa, ma cushion akuda a vinyl, ndi zithunzi za omanga thupi. Malo omwe anali kutsogolo anali ofunikira kwambiri, kutsatiridwa ndi zipinda zopanda anthu zopakidwa utoto wakuda. Poyamba, ndinakhala m'dera la bala, lomwe linatsegulira kusamba ndi sauna yopangidwa mwaluso kwambiri. Awa anali masiteji a zisudzo pomwe, monga m'zipinda zachinsinsi, amuna ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ankachita sewero la kuvulala kwa ana, komwe kuseka mopanda chifundo pambuyo pa kalasi ya gym kunakonzedwa mwanjira yofanana ndi chithandizo chamagulu. Apa, kwa usiku umodzi, chisokonezo cha ubwana chinatsala pang'ono kutha, koma nthawi yomweyo, akuluakulu a sukulu omwewo adatsala, komwe chidwi chakuthupi chinakhalabe chapamwamba. Panali kukanidwa, koma kunali kobisika, ndipo aliyense, ngakhale ofooka komanso okalamba, akanatha kupeza mnzawo. Pazovuta kwambiri, amuna ankayendayenda m'zipinda zakumbuyo, osafuna china chilichonse kupatula thupi la mwamuna lomwe magazi ake amatuluka m'mitsempha yake. Koma palibe chomwe chinazama mokwanira. Monga ma dildos ataliatali omwe amagulitsidwa m'sitolo iliyonse yogulitsa zogonana za amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, palibe chomwe chikanalowa ndikukhudza zomwe zimapwetekadi. Ndinakumbukira mnzanga yemwe anali ndi luso lodabwitsa lomenyana. Analota za tsiku lomwe akanatha kutenga munthu pamwamba pa chigongono. Unali ngati sewero lachilendo la nsembe ya munthu wa Aztec, wansembe akulowa m'thupi ndikutulutsa mtima wa wozunzidwayo womwe ukugundabe.

Kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kunali chisakanizo chosangalatsa komanso kuzunzidwa. Njira yodziwonetsera yokha yomwe mabala obwera kumene samachira, ndipo achikulire amaiwalika. Osimidwa, chilichonse chimakhala mtundu wankhanza kwambiri: amuna amamangidwa ndikuzunzidwa, monga momwe amasewera zolaula zomwe zikuwonetsa kuphedwa kwa Chikhristu choyambirira. Kusiyana kokha ndikuti kumasulidwa sikuchitika kudzera mukuvutikira, kotero aliyense amapita patsogolo pang'ono.

Ndinatuluka m'chipinda chosambira ndikupita ku gawo lalikulu lokhalidwa ndi zolemera ndi mabenchi osiyanasiyana ophunzitsira. Mtundu wamiyala yamakoma umakhala ngati shopu yamakina kapena garaja. Malowa adasiyidwa theka, koma kununkhidwa kwapadera, komwe kumakhala kuphatikiza kwamphamvu, konyowa mpweya kuchokera ku chipinda chosambira ndi musk wochokera ku ngodya zakuya pakalabu. Izi zinali zosokoneza komanso zoledzeretsa, zomwe zidabweretsa kutsogolo kukumbukira kwakumbuyo kwazaka zonse zaanthu komwe ndidachotsedwa kwina konse. Pokhala mwana wosatetezeka nthawi zonse, ine ndimayang'ana kutsogolo ndikuopa chipinda cha amuna chotsekera ku malo osambira, komwe banja langa limakonda kupita kuchilimwe. Cholinga changa sichinali kungoyang'ana munthu wamaliseche; chisangalalochi chinali chabe kukhala pakati pa amuna. Izi zinali zokwanira kulongosola mtengo wolowa mu gay sauna kapena disco. M'malo mwake, tinali okonzeka kupereka chilichonse.

Ndinapumira mwamphamvu ndipo, poyendetsedwa ndi gulu lonse la adrenaline ndikufunitsitsa kukhala nawo, ndinalowa nawo pagulu la amuna omwe amayenda kwinakwake. "Kwinakwake" uku kunabisika mumdima wathunthu. Sindingathe kufotokoza mwachidule zofananira ndi mawonekedwe amunthu. Patsogolo sindinathe kupanga benchi yaying'ono yamakona owala pang'ono, yomwe ngati pansi pake inali yokutidwa ndi zinthu zakuda. Atatsamira pa benchi, amuna angapo amaliseche adagwada. Sindinathe kuwona mitu yawo kapena nkhope zawo, koma matako awo okwera. Ndinayima osayenda kwa masekondi angapo. Nachi. Ndafika pachimake pa zikhumbo zanga zazikulu. Mapeto enieni a amuna okhaokha ogonana ndi kugwada, kufalitsa matako anu, ndikuyembekeza kuti amuna ena awonekera. Msonkhano wongoganiza chabe ndi wopitilira muyeso, ndi Wam'mwambamwamba, umatha ngati chiwerewere chachimuna - kugwa kowopsa kwa ma androgens pamlingo wothana ndi kukhumudwa. Zimapangitsa aliyense kuganiza. Zotsatira zake, amuna ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha mosazindikira amayesa kuyeretsa kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, ndipo posimidwa, zonse zimakhala zakuda. Wolemba mbiri yakale komanso wolemba mbiri yakale a Queer a Michael Bronski amakumbukira momwe magulu ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha aku San Francisco nthawi ya Edzi isanakhale "tchalitchi" ndipo kwa iye "odabwitsa komanso opatulika, ngakhale oyera mtima."

Mu 2013, Dan Savage, wolimbikitsa amuna ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha komanso woyambitsa mikangano, yemwe analeredwa ngati Mkatolika, adalengeza pa pulogalamu ya Bill Maher kuti, "Kwa iwo amene amanena kuti amuna awiri sangakhale ndi mwana, nthawi zonse ndimanena kuti, 'Ndi Mulungu, palibe chosatheka.' Chifukwa chake ndipitiliza kupereka mimba kwa mwamuna wanga ndikusunga zala zanga ." Ngakhale kuti panali nkhanza zodabwitsa komanso zonyansa, inali nthawi yoyamba kuyambira pamene Randy Shilts adanenapo kanthu kokhudza amuna ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Savage mosadziwa adavumbulutsa cholakwika chachikulu mu kuyesa kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha: kusakhala ndi moyo komwe kumawononga miyoyo. M'malo molandira chowonadi ichi, pali kubwerera kwakukulu ku zomwe kale zinkaonedwa ngati "miyambo yosiyana." Ngakhale zipolowe za Stonewall zisanachitike, Karl Wittmann, yemwe ndi katswiri womenyera ufulu wa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, adapereka chenjezo lotsatirali mu " Gay Manifesto " yake yatsopano:

"Amuna amuna kapena akazi okhaokha ayenera kusiya kudziyang'ana pawokha momwe amatsata maukwati omwe si amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Maukwati omwe si amuna kapena akazi okhaokha adzakhala ndi mavuto omwewo omwe amakhala amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, ndipo kusiyana komweku nkukhala koti kudzakhala parody. Ufulu wa amuna ogonana ndikuti ife tidziwitsa momwe tikhala ndi omwe, m'malo mowunika maubwenzi athu ndi anthu owongoka ndi zikhulupiliro zawo. "

Malinga ndi lamulo la zamoyo za amuna, lopanda kutsutsidwa ndi akazi ndi atsikana, amuna ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha amakhala ndi zibwenzi zambiri komanso kusakhazikika. Izi zikufotokoza kuchuluka kochepa kwa maukwati a amuna kapena akazi okhaokha (9,6%), komwe kunawonjezeka ndi 1,7% yokha pambuyo pa chisankho cha Obergefell, komanso kupitirira kwa kachilombo ka HIV pakati pa amuna omwe ali muubwenzi wokhazikika. Chimene Wittmann adalimbikitsa, kwenikweni, ndi chenicheni cha maubwenzi pakati pa amuna ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, omwe nthawi zambiri sali okwatirana ndi mmodzi yekha, koma m'malo mwake amakambirana, maubwenzi otseguka . Komabe, izi zimapangitsa kuti ziwoneke ngati amuna ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha akufanana ndi amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Sizodabwitsa kuti omenyera ufulu woyambirira wa maukwati a amuna kapena akazi okhaokha anali okalamba komanso amuna osagonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Mkhalidwe wawo wokhawokha wa akazi okhaokha (ngakhale kuti unkafuna kusakhazikika kwa malingaliro) unathetsa zithunzi za kugonana kwa amuna mwamphamvu zomwe zinkaimiridwa mokhulupirika m'zaka za m'ma 70 ndi anthu otsanzira Castro ndi Village People. Motero panatuluka anthu otchuka amakono ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha monga Nate Berkus ndi Neil Patrick Harris.

Kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kunali kofala kokha mu zolaula za amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Mpaka kumapeto kwa zaka za m'ma 1990, kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha kunali kosaganizirika mu zolaula za amuna kapena akazi okhaokha. Kenako, wojambula zithunzi zolaula ku San Francisco dzina lake Paul Morris adayambitsanso kuwonongeka kwa nthawi isanafike AIDS. Kuyambira pamenepo, chiwerengero cha amuna ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha omwe amachita kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha nthawi zonse chapitirira kukwera.

Chikondwerero chapoyera cha kugonana kosadzitetezera, limodzinso ndi kutsutsa kosaumitsa kumene kunafika pachimake pakuvomereza maukwati a amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, kunalimbikitsidwa ndi kukumbukira nkhanza za AIDS. Zinali kuyankha kwa iwo omwe akufuna kubwerera ku 70s, ku chithunzi chapa TV cha munthu wogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha omwe adalamulira zaka makumi awiri zapitazi - chithunzi cha wofera chikhulupiriro wotopa komanso wolemekezeka. Koma posachedwapa paradigm yatsopano yapangidwa, pamodzi ndi kusamvetsetsana kokakamizika kophatikizana kwa amuna ogonana amuna kapena akazi okhaokha m'gulu lopusa la LGBT *, ndi mkazi wachiwerewere monga momwe angagwiritsire ntchito bwino - Ellen DeGeneres.

Moyo wanga komanso miyoyo ya amuna kapena akazi amtunduwu omwe adapulumuka nthawi yayitali iyi ikuwonetsa ziyembekezo, nkhawa, komanso kugwa komaliza kwa nthawiyo komanso kuyesa konse kwa amuna kapena akazi anzawo. Kupatula apo, tidafika ku San Francisco, New York, Los Angeles kapena kwina kulikonse ndi chiyembekezo chofananira: kupeza wina woti timukonde, ndikuti adatikondanso. Poyamba, zoyeserera zoyambirira, zomwe zimaphatikizapo kugwiritsa ntchito makondomu, nonoxynol-9, ngakhale madamu a mano, zidawoneka ngati mtengo wotsika pambuyo pazaka zopweteka komanso zovuta zamtunduwu, pomwe tidavutika kuti tidziwe tanthauzo lathu. Kusamba pang'ono, kuwonerera mpweya wamamuna m'khosi lathu kunali kokwanira kutipatsa chisangalalo. Kenako zonse zimasintha. Awe amasintha pang'ono komanso amakhala ochepa mphamvu. Kupita ku bar kapena disco kumakhala ngati kumayang'ana magazini yakale ija yolaula yomwe umaba m'sitolo yakomweko ngati mwana. Katundu wanu wamtengo wapatali ukamazunzidwa, ndiye kuti umamtaya. Tsoka ili likuchitika pakati pa amuna onse, amuna kapena akazi okhaokha komanso amuna kapena akazi okhaokha, omwe amakhala akusungabe zolaula za intaneti.

Poopa kuti chisangalalo chikuwoneka ngati chikutha, amuna ambiri amakhala ndi nkhawa ndipo zochita zawo zimakhala zopanda ulemu komanso zachiwerewere. Pofika kumapeto kwa zaka za m'ma 1990, mnyamata wazaka khumi ndi zisanu ndi zitatu yemwe anali wamantha anali wokhoza kuchita chilichonse. Kwa kanthawi, chiwonetsero chinali zosangalatsa zatsopano zonse. Ndisanayambe kugwiritsa ntchito malo ochezera a pa Intaneti, ndinkadziwonetsera nthawi yochita masewera olimbitsa thupi ku kalabu ina ya zigawenga. Pamapeto pake, ndidagwa ndikugwera pa siteji, ndikulowa mumtsinje wa umuna ndi mafuta omwe adatuluka kwa omwe adachita kale. Ndinayamba kugonana m'mapaki am'deralo, mgalimoto zoimikidwa, zimbudzi zonyamula anthu kunyadira amuna okhaokha. Usiku womwe ungakhale womaliza kukhala gay, ndinali wokonzeka kuyika pachiwopsezo chilichonse komaliza. Kufufuza kwanga kodziwika, chikondi, ndi umuna kunakhalabe kokwanira komanso kopanda chiyembekezo. Ndinafika pafupi pomwe ndinayambira, nditaima pafupifupi nthawi yomweyo mlengalenga zaka khumi zapitazo. Koma ndinali ndimantha. Za mnyamatayo, sanandisiye. Moyo wamtundu wa gay komanso kugona ndi amuna sikudamupange kukhala mwamuna. Adali pafunafuna, pomwe adanditenga. Thupi langa lokha linali likugwa.

M'mawa kwambiri, nditazindikira kuti ndili ndi chibwenzi chogonana, ndinadumphira pansi ndikumenya mu dzenje. Ndinali kusanza magazi, ndipo m'mimba mwadzidzidzi matumbo anga anapangitsa kuti m'matumbo mwanga mukhale kanthu. Ndinafikira zovala zanga zamkati - ndimatulutsa magazi mkati. Moyo wanga unkayenda kuchokera mbali zonse ziwiri. Pomwe, lingaliro langa, panali khomo lokweza, ine ndidagogoda njira yopumira. Uku kunali kunyinyirika kwanga komaliza. Ngati kumwamba kumatanthawuza moyo wamtundu wina pambuyo pa moyo, ndipo gehena ikakhala kumapeto kwamuyaya ndi kosatha kwa chizunzo ichi, ndikadakhala temberero.

Ndinalowa ku San Francisco ndimapazi anga, koma ndinawusiya pamtunda. Munthu amene wandinyamula tsiku lamdima uja anali wosiyana ndi aliyense yemwe ndidakumana naye. Adatenga thupi langa lopanda moyo kumudzi - kunyumba kwa makolo anga. Pamenepo, ndinadzuka m'chipinda changa chogona, nditakumbukira zinthu zambiri za ubwana. Pabedi lomwe ndidasangalale nalo nthawi yanga yoyamba kugona tulo, tsopano ndidonthetsa magazi.

Miyezi yotsatira idakhazikika pamisonkhano yambiri ndi madotolo osiyanasiyana, akatswiri ndi madokotala othandizira opaleshoni. Manyazi ndi zopweteka zomwe ndakhala ndikuthawa kwanthawi yayitali zidali zosatheka. Pamaso pa opareshoni, adandikakamiza kuti ndiyambanso kuchita mwachipongwe njira yomweyo yomwe ndimachita.

Munthawi ya ndalamayi, gawo langa la rectum lidachotsedwa chifukwa cha zipsera zamkati mwamkati. Monga munthu amene anamangidwa ku Marquis de Sade, ma sphincters anga adasoka ndi chingwe cholimba. Anandipatsa mndandanda wautali wa zomangamanga ndi zotayira, zomwe ndinayenera kumwa kwambiri kuti ndipangitse matumbo kupitirira dzenje lopapatiza. Kusamala sikunathandize, ndipo ndinachotsa ma seams. Kuti ndisiye magazi, ndinayika thaulo m'makabudula anga ndikupita kuchipinda chadzidzidzi. Ndikuyang'anira khoma la chipinda chodikirira, pakati pa ana akutsokomola ndi okalamba omwe ali ndi chizungulire, magazi adayamba kudutsa akabudula.

Kwa maola angapo otsatira, ndidayala pa gurney yolimba yachipatala. Ndinaitana namwino, koma panali phokoso. Achinyamata angapo amagona pafupi ndi ine kumbuyo kwa nsalu yotchinga: m'modzi amapezeka ndi mankhwala osokoneza bongo ambiri, ndipo winayo atadwala kwambiri ziwalo za m'chiberekero chifukwa cha matenda opatsirana pogonana. Iwo anali purigatorio.

Ndidayenera kupita kuchimbudzi, ndipo ndidasinthira kuchimbudzi ndikutsukira pansi. Kubwerera pabedi langa, ndidasiya njira yofikira kumbuyo. Awa sanali malo apakati pakati pa thambo ndi dziko lapansi - anali gehena. Ndidamwalira ndipo adanditumizira mazunzo osatha monga munthu wovuta - mnyamata wokhala ndi mutu wosweka. Chifukwa chodandaula kwambiri za asing'anga ndi anamwino, ndinatuluka m'chipatala ndipo ndinapita kunyumba.

M'masiku angapo otsatira, sindinadye kena kalikonse koma granular, fiber yamafuta osakanikirana ndi madzi ndi madzi a maula. Nditayimirira pakusamba, ndinadzigwetsa pansi. Sindimatha kukhala kapena kupsinjika. Nthawi zingapo ndinalibe nthawi yochoka pabedi langa kupita kuchimbudzi. Mita imodzi kuchokera kuchimbudzi, ndinadumphira pansi ndikugwera pansi, yomwe inayamba kuterera chifukwa cha kugona.

Thupi langa linachira pang'onopang'ono, koma komabe, ndinapitilizabe kuchita uve. Opaleshoni ina itsatira, kenako ina. Zaka zingapo pambuyo pake, ndikupitilizabe kuvutika ndi kusakhalitsa pang'ono. Ngakhale panali zovuta, kupweteka kwakanthawi ndimanyazi, ndimadziona kuti ndine wodala chifukwa ndinatha kuthawa kugonana kwa amuna kapena akazi okhaokha mosatengera zochita za anzanga ambiri. Zipsera zina zimakhala ndi ine ndikadali ndi moyo, koma nditha kukhala nawo. Mwanjira ina, ali chikumbutso chosalekeza cha momwe ndidalili ndi momwe Mulungu adandipulumutsira. Ena amakhala ndi zilembo zosavomerezeka za chitetezo cha m'thupi zomwe zimabisala m'thupi lililonse. Koma pazaka zonsezi, mavuto anga azaumoyo adakulirakulira. Ndikumva bwino. Anzanu ochepawo omwe adapulumuka m'mbuyomu ali m'mavuto omwewo. Timaperekezana wina ndi mnzake kukalandira kwa adotolo, timatumizira timakalata posonyeza kuti tikufuna kuchira komanso timapemphera kuti tichiritsirane wina ndi mnzake. Kufunafuna kwathu kunatha m'maloto osakwaniritsidwa, matupi owonongeka ndi manda akufa.

Mukulakalaka kwathu kosamvetsetsa dziko lapansi ndi ife eni, tinali okonzeka kupita motsutsana ndi chilengedwe komanso Mulungu mwini. Tidanyalanyaza zoyambira zaku thupi, ndipo pazophwanya izi tidalipira kwambiri, pamodzi komanso payekhapayekha. Pochita izi, tinaponyera matupi athu komanso chikhalidwe chozungulira. Poyesayesa momvetsa chisoni kuti tisinthe, tinapempha anthu kuti avomereze kupanduka kwathu. Koma malamulo okhazikitsidwa ndi anthu sakanatha kusintha maonekedwe athu.

Chitsime: Joseph Sciambra. Kupulumuka Gay… Mosakayikira . Mwachidule.

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