Isahluko 9 kusuka encwadini kaJoseph noLinda NicholasUkuvimbela Ubungqingili: Isiqondisi Sabazali". Ishicilelwe ngemvume yomshicileli.

Obaba, hlanganisani amadodana akho; 
Uma ungakwenzi,
ke ngolunye usuku enye indoda izokwenza.
UDkt. Bird, isazi sezengqondo

"Uma ngifunde okuthile njengobaba," kusho iklayenti, esizolibiza ngegama uGordon, "ukuze zonke izingane zihlukile." Wazijikijela esihlalweni ehhovisi lami, kwathi lapho ngigqolozela wafunda kuye.

Umhlaziyi wezezimali ophumelelayo, uGordon wazala amadodana amane. “Lapho mina noGloria sishada, asikwazanga ukulinda, lapho sizoba nomndeni omkhulu,” kusho yena, “benginobudlelwano obubi nobaba, ngakho-ke ngangifuna ngempela ukufudumala komndeni.”

Kwazalwa omunye umbhangqwana wabafana abathathu, ngamunye wahlonipha ubaba wakhe. Ngemuva kwalokho kwavela uJimmy.

UGloria, ohlezi esihlalweni sakhe maqondana nomyeni wakhe, wangibuka ngosizi nokukhathazeka. “Ngesikhathi ngikhulelwe, Jimmy,” kusho yena ethule, “empeleni bengifuna intombazane. UJimmy kwakufanele abe ingane yethu yokugcina. Ngesikhathi ezalwa, ngaphoxeka izinyembezi. "

Cishe uJimmy nonina benze konke ngokungazi ukuze babhekane nalokhu kudumazeka, ngoba lapho eneminyaka eyisishiyagalombili uJimmy waba ngumngane omkhulu kanina. Umfana onakekelayo futhi omnene, obonisa amandla okudlala upiyano, uJimmy wayengomunye walezi zingane eziqondiswa kalula kugagasi lomunye umuntu futhi ziqonde imicabango nemizwa yakhe ngegama. Ngaleyo minyaka, wayekwazi ukufunda imizwa kamama njengencwadi, kepha wayengenamngane oyedwa wobudala bakhe. Uvele wakhombisa izibonakaliso eziningi zokuziphatha komuntu ongafani naye. Muva nje, uGloria waqala ukukhathazeka ngokuzihlukanisa okukhulayo komphakathi nokucindezelwa komfana. Abafana abadala, ngakolunye uhlangothi, babejabule ngayo yonke into futhi bazivumelanisa nezimo kahle.

Izinkinga zobulili uJimmy waqala ukubonakala eminyakeni embalwa edlule lapho eqala ukuzama amacici kagogo wakhe futhi azame ukwakheka. Izikhumba zegolide nezesiliva zikaGloria zazinokukhanga okubalulekile emehlweni omfana, futhi waqala ukuzazi kahle izembatho zabesifazane - konke lokhu ngisho nangaphambi kokuba aye esikoleni. Ngaleso sikhashana wayeneminyaka emine kuphela ubudala.

“Ngamphatha uJimmy ngendlela efanayo namanye amadodana,” kusho uGordon, “futhi ngiyaqonda ukuthi lokhu bekungasebenzi, ngoba wayehlala ewathatha ngendlela engafanele imibono yami. Uphume egumbini futhi wenqaba ukukhuluma nami izinsuku ezimbalwa. ”

Njengoba ekhula, uJimmy waqala ukubonisa ezinye izinkomba eziningi eziphazamisayo: ukungazinzi, ukucabanga okukhulu, okwamfaka esikhundleni sokukhulumisana kwangempela, kanye nokuhlambalaza kokuzidla kwabafowethu asebekhulile bezemidlalo kanye nabangane babo ababebalethe. UGordon ukhumbule ukuthi wonke amanye amadodana ayehlala emqhamuka lapho ezomhlangabeza lapho efika ekhaya evela emsebenzini, kodwa hhayi uJimmy, owayehlala sengathi uyise uyindawo engenalutho kuye.

Okwamanje, imicabango kaJimmy engalawulwa yayibangela ukukhathazeka okukhulu. Ubehlala emhlabeni owakhiwe, ehleli amahora amaningi egumbini lakhe futhi edweba abalingiswa bekhathuni. UGloria wabuye waqaphela enye inkambiso engenampilo - isikhathi ngasinye, edumele, uJimmy waqala ukukopisha izici

isimilo sowesifazane. Lapho omunye wabangane bomfowabo eza ezobavakashela, emgcona noma ehlekisa ngaye, waqala ukuba ngowesifazane ngokweqile.

Ekugcineni, uGloria noGordon banquma ukwenza okuthile ukusiza indodana yakhe. Futhi basifaka isinqumo sabo ngentshiseko kangangokuba kwathi ngenyanga yokuqala yokungenelela komndeni, omunye wabafana asebekhulile, uTony, waqala ukukhala ngokuthi babekhohliwe ngokuphelele ngaye. Kimi, bekuyisibonakaliso sokuthi abazali bami bakulandela ngenkuthalo izincomo zami. Ngalesi sikhathi, ngicele uGloria noGordon ukuba bachazele uTony ukuthi wonke umndeni kufanele uhlangane uzosiza uJimmy, “okhohlwa ukuthi ungumfana.” Ngemuva kwaloko, naphezu kokuqala okubukhali, uTony naye waqala ukusiza umfowabo.

UGordon wayazi ukuthi indodana encane kunayo kade yaqala ukusuka kuye. “Ubuntwana bukaJimmy buhlangana nesikhathi esinzima empilweni yami. Umshado wethu wawugcwele komgwaqo, emsebenzini - enkingeni enkulu. Kubukeka kimi sengathi angifuni ukuzikhathaza ngokuthi ngingathola kanjani ulimi olujwayelekile nale ngane, ngoba inomuntu onzima kakhulu: wayevele aqhamuke futhi aye egumbini lakhe njalo lapho ngikhuluma into ethile ayibonayo. njengokugxekwa. ”

Abanye abafana, kunalokho, babehlale bemagange ukudlala noyise futhi bafuna ukunakwa. “Ngivumele uJimmy akhethe ukungabi nami,” kuvuma uGordon. "Kumele ngivume, ngicabange kanjena: kunjalo, njengoba engafuni ukuxhumana nami, lezi yizinkinga zakhe."

Ngachaza, “Uma kunjalo, sizokwenza okuphambene nalokho ebesikwenza ngaphambili.” Lokhu kusho ukuthi wena, Gordon, udinga ukuzama ukuheha uJimmy. Futhi wena, Gloria, kuzodingeka ufunde "ukuvela eceleni." Wonke umndeni kufanele usebenze ndawonye, ​​ukhumbuza uJimmy ukuthi ukuba umfana kuyinto enhle. ”

Isu lami lokwelashwa, uJimmy, liphakamise ukuthi uGordon azogqugquzela indodana yakhe, ayinake ngokukhethekile, athathe umfana ahambe naye ebhizinisini futhi amthinte emidlalweni yokuxhumana ngokomzimba. Ngizama ukutshela obaba abaningi amathuba lokhu - ngokwesibonelo, ngenkathi ngikhulisa imoto, ngivumela indodana yami ukuba ibambe ipompo. Lezi zinyathelo ezincane zibalulekile ekwakheni ukuxhumana komfana nezwe lamadoda, okuyisisekelo sobudlelwano obuqinile phakathi kukababa nendodana.

Kwesinye isikhathi uGordon wayefonela uJimmy ukuze asize ngokulima izingadi noma ngokwenza izoso. UGordon wakwenza umthetho ukuthi ube sekhaya ngesikhathi sokufundwa ngopiyano okwenziwa njalo ngeviki kuJimmy futhi kuyo yonke imisebenzi ayenzayo. Wahamba nomfana baya emaholidini ezemidlalo nabafowabo asebekhulile, ngethemba lokuthi uzowunqoba umkhuba kaJimmy wokuhlala yedwa nokungabathandi kwabafowabo.

Ekuqaleni, uJimmy wakuphikisa ngokusobala imizamo kayise. Isibonelo, wenqaba ngokusobala isimemo sokuya ehhovisi lakhe noyise. Kepha, lapho ubudlelwano bakhe noyise bufudumala, uJimmy waqala ngokuziphatha kabi umfana futhi wahlekwa kancane esikoleni. Ngasigunyaza isinqumo sabazali bakaJimmy sokumbhalisa esigabeni lapho kwakudingeka khona ukubamba iqhaza kweqembu, kodwa kwakungekho mncintiswano futhi abafana banqoba. Unina kaJimmy, uGloria, ucele ngokuqondile umeluleki, osemusha wesitshudeni, ukuba anikeze uJimmy ukunakwa okungaphezu kokuduna okwakudingeka.

Abafana abanjengoJimmy kufanele baqonde ukuthi abazali bayabaxhasa futhi babakhuthaze, hhayi nje ukugxeka noma ukubasola. Isibonelo, ngesinye isikhathi, lapho uJimmy eneminyaka eyisishiyagalombili, wathatha ithoyizi elithambile, i-panda, waya naye esikoleni. UGloria wabheka ebaleni lokudlala ngesikhathi sokudla kwasemini futhi wabona ukuthi indodana yakhe yayidlala yodwa nge-panda futhi ikhuluma naye. Ngosuku olulandelayo, ngokwesiphakamiso sikaGloria, uGordon wakhuluma nendodana yakhe wathi: “UJimmy, abafana abontanga yakho abayi namathoyizi athambile esikoleni. Kodwa ngikulethele okuthile. ” Wanikeza uJimmy “Game Boy,” umdlalo wekhompiyutha ophathwa ngesandla umfana awuthatha ngosuku olulandelayo. Okwamangaza ukuthi abafundi afunda nabo bamzungeza ecela ukubavumela ukuba badlale, futhi-ke, uJimmy wamukelwa enkampanini, ngoba ithoyisi kwakungelakhe.

Ngenxa yezenzo ezilandelanayo ezenziwa ngabazali bakhe, isimilo sikaJimmy, esasingabulungele ubulili bakhe, sahamba kancane. Lokhu akukhathalelanga ubufazi kuphela, kepha futhi nokuhlukaniswa kontanga, ukuvuthwa okujwayelekile, ukwesaba kanye nobutha kubabafana. UGordon ungitshele wathi: “Uma uJimmy enganginaki futhi eziphatha sengathi akangidingi, kumele ngivume ukuthi lokhu kuyangikhathaza kakhulu futhi ngizizwa sengathi kufanele ngiguquke. Kulula kakhulu ukuhamba nokugeleza nokwamukela isimo sesimo. Kepha ke ngiyakhumbula ukuthi isimo sikaJimmy kimi siyindlela yokuzivikela nje. Eqinisweni, ngemuva kokunganaki nokwedelela kulele isifiso sokuxhumana nami. Ngakho-ke ngilahla imizwa yami futhi ngiqhubeka nokwenza indlela yami eya kuye. Ngilahlekelwe isenzo sami ngenkathi uJimmy esemncane, kepha manje angizange ngivumele indodana yami ukuba ingisuse kalula. ”

Umsebenzi onzima wokugomela ubudoda

Njengoba sesibonile, i-dysphoria yobuntwana empeleni iyindlela yokuphunyuka enseleleni yokuvuthwa. Ngokusho kocwaningo oluningi, ukuphazamiseka kobulili kuhambisana nezinye izindaba (njengezikaJimmy) kubandakanya ukwenqatshwa komfana nguyise, ukuhlukaniswa naye emphakathini, kanye nesinxephezelo ngokusebenzisa inganekwane. Ukwelapha okuphumelelayo kusiza umfana ukuthola indlela ezweni elihlukaniswe ngokwemvelo ngabesilisa nabesifazane. Ngosizo lwabantu abadala ababili ababaluleke kakhulu empilweni yakhe, umama nobaba, umfana onenkinga yobulili angashiya imizwa eyimfihlo futhi abone ukuthi kungcono ukuhlala ezweni elinemingcele ecacile yobulili.

Njengomzali, kufanele uqiniseke ukuthi ukungenelela kwakho - ngosizo noma ngaphandle kosizo lomelaphi - akuqondakali futhi kuyasekela ngempela, nokuthi kuyacaca. Ngokudikibalisa ukuziphatha okungafuneki kobulili obuhlukile, abazali kufanele baqiniseke ukuthi ingane izwa ukuthi uyaziwa njengomuntu ohlukile. Akufanele ulindele ukuthi ingane yakho ibe umfana noma intombazane ejwayelekile enezinto ezijwayelekile kubulili bayo. Ezinye izici zingaba khona, futhi zivamile. Kepha ngasikhathi sinye, i- "androgyny" enempilo ingasuselwa kuphela esisekelweni esiqinile sokuzithemba emkhakheni wakhe.

Kubalulekile ngaso sonke isikhathi ukulalela ingane ngenhlonipho efanayo. Ungamphoqi ukuthi ahlanganyele kulokho akuzondayo. Ungamenzi afanane nendima emesabisayo. Ungabi namahloni ngobufazi. Inqubo yoshintsho yenzeka kancane kancane, ngokusebenzisa uchungechunge lwezinyathelo ezihambisana nokuxhaswa kothando. Ukuzama ukuhlazisa kungaba nemiphumela engemihle.

U-Alex, umuntu onobungqingili abelashwa nami, uthi:

Ngesinye isikhathi, lapho ngineminyaka emihlanu, ngathola iqoqo lamakha njengesipho, amabhodlela amancane amaningi anamakha ahlukahlukene ebhokisini elinamaseli. Babonakala bemangalisa kimi, futhi ngangihamba nabo yonke indawo. Angikhohlwanga ukubabamba, kwathi lapho mina nobaba wami sihambela izihlobo. Ngicabanga ukuthi ngijabule kanye nabo, ngoba nginqume ukuyibonisa umalume wami uMargarita. Ungibuke wathi: “Kungani udinga amakha? Uyintombazane? ”Nokho, ngikhala izinyembezi. Kufanele ukuthi wayezizwa enecala ngoba wayephuthume ezongiqinisekisa.

Angazi ukuthi kungani, kodwa ngisasikhumbula lesi sehlakalo. Lokhu kuthakazelelwa yimimoya kudlula ngokushesha, kepha ngenxa yalokhu ngahlangabezana nemizwa ehlukahlukene.

Uma indodana yakho isencane kakhulu, kubalulekile ukuthi uphinde umkhombe amaqiniso e-biology yakhe, ikakhulukazi ukuthi inelungu, futhi lokhu kuyinto enhle futhi evamile, ingxenye yayo. Ubaba kumele azibandakanye ngenkuthalo kule nqubo yokufundisa. Obaba abaningi bathola ukuthi ukugeza ngokuhlangana namadodana abo kuyisikhathi esihle sezingxoxo ezinjalo. Obaba kumele bagcizelele ukuthi i-anatomy yenza umfana "njengabo bonke abafana." Okubonisa ukuthi unakho мужские izitho zangasese (umfana omncane ngaphambi kongqingili afuna ukukuphika) zizowususa ngokuphumelelayo noma imuphi umbono wesifazane noma imicabango engathandeki. Umzimba wesilisa ungokoqobo, ingxenye engenakutholakala, ufakazela ubudoda bayo futhi uyihlukanisa ngokusobala kusuka kumama. Lokhu kuwuphawu lokufana kwakhe nobaba.

Shower nobaba

Ukugeza okuhlanganyelwe nobaba kuyindlela enhle yokuqhakambisa ukubonwa komfana nobaba nobunikazi bukababa, kanye nokwakheka kobuntu besilisa.

UDkt George Rekers, uchwepheshe ovelele ku-RG yezingane, unikeza izincomo eziningiliziwe zokwenza lokhu kusebenze: “Obaba akufanele baphenduke kabuhlungu noma kabi uma indodana, enhliziyweni yakhe noyise, ibuza imibuzo ngobulili noma isitho sobulili. Noma yimiphi imibuzo enjalo kufanele iphendulwe, ngentshiseko yemvelo, ukuhambisa imininingwane ngokuya ngezinga lokuthuthuka kwendodana, ukukhuthaza futhi kuze kube manje ukuphendula imibuzo ebalulekile nganoma yisiphi isikhathi. ”¹.

Obaba kufanele futhi bafunde: kuyinto eyejwayelekile uma indodana ihlola izitho zangasese zikababa noma ibathinta ngovivi. Ezimweni ezinjalo, ubaba kufanele agweme amahloni noma athuke, angaphenduli ngendlela engeyinhle, ngokhahlo noma ngandlela thile ajezise indodana yakhe. Esikhundleni salokho, ubaba kufanele atshele umfana ukuthi naye uzobukeka ngendlela efanayo lapho esemusha.

Uma indodana ithinta ufuzo lukababa, kaningi kunalokho, ilukuluku lakhe liyokweneliseka, futhi uzoyeka lokhu kuthintwa. Indodana ayithandeki ukuyithinta kaningi, uma ngabe ingekho. Kodwa noma ngabe indodana iqhubeka nokuthinta ithambo likababa (okungenakwenzeka), uDkt Rekers weluleka ubaba ukuthi anake indodana yakhe, ngokwesibonelo: “Manje thatha indwangu yokuwasha futhi ugeze izindlebe zakho, uqiniseke ukuthi zihlanzekile,” ngaphandle kokuveza ukunqatshelwa okuqondile .

Uma indodana ithinta kaningi izitho zangasese kababa njalo lapho begeza, uDkt Rekers weluleka ubaba ukuthi: “Angazi ukuthi ubheka ubulungu bami, ngingubaba wakho. Ukwazi ukuthi ipipi lomuntu omdala libukeka kanjani, ungacabanga ukuthi umzimba wakho uzobukeka kanjani esikhathini esizayo. Kepha manje njengoba usumthintile, kufanele ngikuxwayise. Thina besilisa asizithinti izitho zomunye nomunye, ngaphandle kwamacala ambalwa. Isibonelo, lapho udokotela ehlola isiguli; noma abazali bageza umntwana; lapho kudingekile ukubheka ukuthi umfana udinga ukwelashwa yini uma ekhononda ngobuhlungu noma ukulunywa yinsini. ” Ngaphezu kwalokho, ubaba kumele achaze ukuthi ungathinta owakho umthondo kuphela uma abanye bengakuboni.

UDkt Rekers uchaza isigameko esibuhlungu esihlukumeza umfana omncane futhi savusa nokuziphatha kobulili obuhlukile. Uyise uphume egeza, indodana encane, iqhutshwa ilukuluku futhi ihehwa ngokubukeka kwayo, yathinta ipipi likababa wakhe. Ngokushesha ubaba wamkhafulela umfana, wamemeza kakhulu wambiza ngokuthi "umhlanhlathisi." Kusukela ngalesosikhathi, umfana waqala ukukhombisa indlela yokuziphatha kobulili Ethatha ukugeza, ucindezele ipipi phakathi kwemilenze yakhe ukubukeka njengentombazane, watshela umama wakhe ukuthi uyazisola ukuthi unelungu.

Kodwa-ke, uma okuhlangenwe nakho komqondo wokubumbana kukababa nendodana kwenziwa ngobuhlakani, kusho uRekers, "umfana uzolungiselela ukugeza okuhlanganyelwe namanye amadoda egumbini lokuhlwaya esikoleni, abese egumbini lokufundela labafundi."

Ngokungezelela ukugeza ngamanzi kanye namadodana ami amancane, ngibuye ngalulele obaba ukuthi bahlanganyele njalo ekuhlaseleni ngokomzimba nabafana. Obaba bangasiza nangokukhuthaza ukuziphatha ngokhahlo nokubonakaliswa kobudlova ngokomzimba. Lokhu kusiza ekulweni nendima edlakadlaka “yomfana” evame ukudlalwa ngumfana wobulili

izinkinga. Ukulwa, ukuphikisana, "ukulwa upapa" - kukho konke lokhu, umfana uthola amandla akhe omzimba futhi uhlangana nale ndoda eyethusayo futhi engaqondakali.

Ukubaluleka kokuthinta

Amakhasimende ami amadala angongqondongqondo, ngaphandle kokukhetha, achaza ukungabikho kobuhlungu - cishe nobuhlungu - kusukela ekungatholini kokuxhumana nobaba. URichard Wyler uchaza ukuthi lokhu kuncipha kokuthinta kuholela kanjani ekuzizwa njalo ekuncishwekeni:

Kumuntu wesiko laseNtshonalanga kucace kakhulu: amadoda angempela awathintani. Ngeshwa, le-taboo ivame ukudluliselwa koyise namadodana, ngisho amancane kakhulu, kubafowethu nabangane abaseduze. Amadoda esikweni lethu esaba ukubonakala njengongqingili noma “ajike” abe ongqingili, amange enye indoda noma amthinte.

Kepha lokhu kuphakamisa lokho nje wonke umuntu akwesabayo: abafana abaningi, bencishwa ukuthintana ngokomzimba, bayakhula, baphuphe ngokuhudula. Uma isidingo se-huggs futhi sithinta singagcwaliseki ebuntwaneni, akahambi ngoba umfana uphenduka indoda. Wayebaluleke kakhulu futhi enqatshelwa isikhathi eside kangangokuba abanye bethu babefuna ukuya ocansini nendoda, kepha empeleni, sasidinga ukwanga kuphela. Ngeke nje sicabange ukuthi kungenye indlela yokuthola ukuthintana okungekhona kocansi, okwakulangazelelwa kakhulu.

Ngaphandle kwalokhu kuxhumana okujwayelekile, osemusha usengozini ebudlelwaneni obungamukeleki noma obunobudlova.

UWyler uyaqhubeka:

Akumangazi ukuthi abaningi bethu bebelokhu bebandakanya ubudlelwano bokungasebenzi kahle noma obungebuhle kusukela ebuntwaneni. Ngokushesha lapho sithola okuthile okwakubukeka kunothando nokwamukelwa, sanamathela kukho singacabangi ngemiphumela.

Kwesinye isikhathi amanye amadoda asisebenzisela ukuzijabulisa ngocansi noma sasizisebenzisa ukuthi sizizwe sithandwa futhi sithandwa.

Khumbula udaba lomdobi wase-Olimpiki uGreg Luganis, otshelwe esahlukweni sesithathu? Wayengumfana onesizungu futhi engaqondakali futhi egconwa yilabo afunda nabo ekilasini futhi owayengahlukani nobaba wakhe. Akumangalisi ukuthi uLuganis wayehlukumezeka ngokomzwelo endodeni endala ehlangane nayo ogwini. "Wakhangwa ukusondelana futhi wamukela okungaphezu kocansi." "Wayelambele uthando."

Omunye wemisebenzi ebalulekile ababhekene nabazali ukukhuthaza ingane ukuthi iveze ngokwemvelo imicabango nemizwa yayo yangempela. Njengoba, njengoba sesibonile, umfana onezinkinga uvame ukwesaba ukukhula futhi isibopho esihambisana nendima yowesilisa, mkhuthaze ukuba akhulume ngezinkathazo zakhe futhi abelane ngemibono yakhe ngendima yocansi.

Sinikeza isibonelo. U-Sean "wayengumfana oneminyaka eyisikhombisa ubudala, futhi uyise wanquma:" Ngeke sikhulume ngenkinga kaSean; sizomthanda nje futhi samukele. " Le ndlela kuhle ukuqala ngayo, kepha ayanele. Abazali kufanele bathole izindlela zokumchazela umehluko phakathi kobudoda nobufazi. Imibuzo enjengokuthi: “Ufuna ukuba yini lapho ukhula?”, “Ubungathanda ukuba ngubani uma ukhula?” Yisizathu esihle sokulungisa imibono ehlanekezelwe emcabangweni, ukuze inikeze ukwesekwa.

Nina bazali kudingeka nishintshe kancane kancane amathoyizi, imidlalo nezingubo eziphephisa imicabango yendodana yakho yobulili obuhlukile. Abanye omama bangitshela ukuthi belahla ngasese izinto ezithile. Ukuqonda usizi lwabo kanye nesidingo sokuthatha isinyathelo ngokushesha, ngiphakamisa indlela evulekile kakhudlwana. Ungancenga umfana ukuthi abambe iqhaza ekudlulisweni kwalezi zinto ngemvume yakhe kumantombazane amancane ajwayelekile. Abanye abazali benza ngisho nomkhuba wokuqeda amathoyizi abesifazane, bawaphethe ukuze banikeze intombazane eduze komakhelwane noma umzala wakhe. “Umkhosi wokuvalelisa” ungaba usizo uma ingane isencane kakhulu. Thatha ibhokisi, ubeke onodoli lapho, ulisonge bese uthi “Kulungile!” Ngenkathi evuma ukuthi kunzima kanjani kumfana ukubuyisela la amathoyizi. Mchaze: "Manje ubaba uzobayisa kumamncane omncane kamakhelwane ongenalo unodoli owodwa kaBarbie."

Kubalulekile ukuthi ingane yakho izizwe futhi iveze ukudabuka nokulahlekelwa. Mhlawumbe into enzima kunazo zonke kuzoba ukulalela ngozwela ukuhlupheka kwakhe futhi asuse lezi zinto kuze kube sekupheleni.

“Umkhosi wokuvalelisa” ungaba nzima, kepha akufanele ube lusizi. Futhi isinqumo sakho sokusenza akufanele siphoqelele, kodwa kucatshangwe kahle. Ngabe umfana ukulungele ukuzikhipha lezi zinto? Mhlawumbe lokhu kudinga i-push encane nje? Noma umcimbi uzomenza azizwe ekhashelwe futhi ethukuthele? Uma kunjalo,-ke isikhathi sezinyathelo ezinje asikafiki.

Ukuthi ukungenelela kuzosebenza kangakanani kuya ngokuthi ukusabela kwengane yakho. Uma ehoxa, ecindezelwe, ethukuthele, ecasukile noma enovalo, lokhu kuwuphawu lokuthi unamandla amakhulu emicimbini. Omunye umbhangqwana uthembele “ukulungisa” umfana ngesonto elilodwa. Ngenxa yalokho, ingane yathuthuka futhi yathuka. Ushintsho olukhulu, olubi esimweni somfana lukhombisa ukuthi akazange anikezwe isikhathi sokuzivumelanisa nokulindelwe okusha kwabazali bakhe.

Abanye abazali bawa ngokweqile okuphambene nalokhu: bayahamba kancane ngisho nangoshintsho olusobala nolunengqondo kakhulu. Ngokwengxenye enkulu, ukuguquguquka okunjalo kubangelwa ukudideka kwezimo zesiko lanamuhla, futhi, njengoba sekushiwo, izeluleko ezingqubuzanayo zezingane. Labazali balinde imvume yochwepheshe ngaphambi kokutshela umfana ngobumnene kodwa ngokusobala: “Bobby, akusekho izinto zamantombazane. Umdala kakhulu ukuthi ungaziphatha njenge ntombazane. ” Basho ukuthi bayasaba ukuxoxa ngezinkinga nendodana yabo ukuze ingalimazi imizwa yayo.

Kodwa-ke, ukungenelela okusebenzayo kakhulu yilapho abazali besebenzisana, kuletha ukwazi kwengane umyalezo omnene, kodwa ohlangene futhi ongaguquki: "Awunjalo, ungumfana." Le ndlela yokwelapha ifaka ubumnene, ukunakekela, uthando futhi ayifaki ukungazelele; noma kunjalo, konke kucacile futhi akunakuphikiswa. Kubaluleke kakhulu ukuthi abazali babumbane futhi bangaguquki, ngoba yile ndlela kuphela eletha imiphumela ephumelelayo futhi eqhubekayo.

Omunye umama wakubeka kahle lokhu: “Ukunqoba isimilo sowesifazane kufana neroses ekhulayo. Akudingi ukuzikhandla okungaka ukunakwa njalo. ” Isinyathelo sokuqala sokululama ukwamukela izinkinga zomntwana futhi uthathe isinqumo sokuzinqoba ndawonye. Isinyathelo sesibili sihlanganisa ingane neqiniso lokuthi abazali bahlose ukuyisiza nokuthi kuyadingeka ukuguquka. Lapho nje ingane isiqonda ukuthi bobabili abazali bahlangene futhi bangabe besazimisela ukuvumela indlela yokuziphatha kobulili, uzoqala ukuzivumelanisa nezimo. Okunye ukungajabuli okuvela kulezi zimfuno, ngokuvamile ezingalindelekile, kuyinto engabikezelwa.

Isigaba sokusebenza

Kusuka kokuhlangenwe nakho kwami ​​kokusebenza nabafana abanokuphazamiseka kobulili nabazali babo, ngingasho ukuthi kunezigaba ezine zokuthuthuka kwezinguquko: (1) ukumelana, (2) ukuthobela kwangaphandle, (3) ukumelana okufihliwe, kanye (4) inyunyana yabazali nengane.

Uma indodana yakho ikhombisa isenzo sobulili obucacile, lezi zinyathelo zizosebenza njengohlaka olujwayelekile lokukusiza ekutholeni indlela yokuba ngcono. Vele, njengazo zonke izinhlelo ezichaza into eyinkimbinkimbi, lezi zigaba kwesinye isikhathi ziyadlula; ingane ingabuyela esigabeni esedlule ngaphambi kokuthi ifinyelele kwesilandelayo. Kodwa-ke, lezi zinyathelo zingasebenza njengesiqondisi jikelele.

Isigaba se-1: Ukumelana. Ebhekene nemingcele emisha, ingane ingakhombisa intukuthelo, intukuthelo nokuvukela. Uyabona ukuthi umama nobaba ngeke besamvumela ukuthi aziphathe njengabesifazane kanye nemibono eyake yanikeza injabulo nokuthula phambilini. Lapho nje eqaphela ukuthi ngeke akwazi ukujabulela isithombe sakhe esingamanga, angakufulathela ngokomoya. Abafana abangafanele ubulili bazwela ikakhulu ukugxekwa nezidingo. Zama ukungagxeki kakhulu futhi ufune ngenkani.

Ungatshela indodana yakho okuthile okufana nalokhu: “Uyazi, unenhlanhla yokuba umfana.” Gcizelela - ngisho ukweqisa - umehluko phakathi kwamantombazane nabafana. Gcizelela ubunikazi bayo bokuvusa besilisa ngokubuza imibuzo enjengokuthi: "Uzokushada ntombazane enjani uma usukhulile?", "Uzoba ubaba onjani uma usukhulile?" Yiba nokudala ekutholeni amathuba okugcizelela ukungezwani kobulili.

Isigaba 2: Ukulalela kwangaphandle. Ezimweni eziningi, abazali basheshe babone ukuthi indodana yabo isondela kubo - okungenani, ngakho-ke kubonakala sengathi kuqala ukubuka. Imvamisa ushintsho luba lukhulu kakhulu kangangokuba bazibuze: “Ngabe ushintshile ngempela, noma uzama ukuthola udumo?” Ukujabulisa wena, ingane ingalingisa ushintsho ngokuya ngezifiso zakho. Eqinisweni, izinguquko zokuqala zivame kakhulu ukuzivumelanisa nezimo zokuziphatha ngaphandle kokuguqulwa kwangempela kwangaphakathi. Kepha, emva kwesikhathi eside, uma usondelene ngokwanele naye ngokomzwelo, lokhu kuziphatha kuzoba yingxenye yokuzibona kwakhe. Njengoba wena, bazali, ungabantu ababaluleke kakhulu emhlabeni wakhe, kuzofanela ayeke ngokungathandabuzi, kodwa ahlukane ngokungenakuphikiswa nemicabango yakhe yobulili obuhlukile.

Isigaba se-3: Ukumelana Okucashile. Ungajabula ngokuthi indodana yakho isabela ngokushesha ekungeneleleni kwakho. Kodwa-ke, kukhona amathuba okubuya kokuziphatha okuyimfihlo kwabesifazane okuzokudumaza ngokushesha futhi kukwenze ucabange ukuthi yonke imizamo iyize. Ukusindisa abazali ekukhungathekeni nasekucindezelekeni, ngibacebisa ukuthi balindele izikhathi ezinjalo kusengaphambili futhi bangamangali ngalokhu.

Nasi isibonelo sobudlelwano obunjalo obumbili. Kubukeka sengathi indodana yakho eneminyaka emihlanu iyashintsha, kodwa iphinde ibambe unodoli noma iqale ukuncela isithupha sayo. Uthi: “Sithandwa, besingakaze sikhulume ngalokhu?” “Ah?” Kusho yena. “Ndodana,” uphendula ngomoya ophansi, kodwa ngokunqumayo, “sesikhulumile ukuthi kusho ukuthini ukuba umfana, nokuthi abafana abadala abadlali ngonodoli. Ngakho-ke, khipha unodoli, sikutholele enye ithoyizi. " Kufanele ulungele iqiniso lokuthi umfana uzothatha izinyathelo ezimbili phambili kanye nesinyathelo esisodwa emuva. Bazali kufanele bakhumbule ukuthi akukho lutho endaweni yonke oluhamba emugqeni omfishane kakhulu, kubandakanya nokuthola indodana yabo.

Uzoqaphela ukuthi kaningi kunalokho, indodana yakho ibuyela ekuziphatheni kowesifazane ngemuva kokuhlasela ukuzithemba. Omunye ubaba uthi: "Lapho indodana yami izizwa kabi, iziphatha njengowesifazane." Lapho ingane izizwa ijabule futhi ijabule, ihlangabezana nokwamukelwa abanye abantu, iyokugwema ukuphindaphindwa. Kufanele futhi sizilungiselele ngokuziphatha okuhle lapho umfana ekhathele, egula, ebhekene nengcindezi, uhlobo oluthile lokudumala noma lokwenqatshwa. Ubuntu besifazane ukuphendula okuxakayo ekuxinekeni.

Ngemuva kokucabanga okunjalo, abazali bazwakalisa ukukhathazeka kwabo ngokuthi indodana “isithokozisa nje” noma “izama ukusithokozisa, ngoba iyazi ukuthi kubalulekile kithi.” Bafuna ukwazi ukuthi indodana yabo iyashintsha ngempela yini ngaphakathi. Ukubamba imbala ensimini kungaphezu kokushintsha ukuziphathaKudinga ushintsho ekuboneni.

Umndeni kufanele uhlaziye ngokulinganisa izibonelo zabesilisa zomfana. Uma ubaba ehlala eyimodeli engemihle, ikakhulukazi uma ephatha ngenkani umama womfana noma emthuka, ingane ingahle iqonde ukuthi ukuhlonza ubulili besilisa kuyingozi. Kulokhu, umfana udinga izembatho zokuziphatha sowesifazane ukuze azivikele futhi akukho zinguquko zokuziphatha ezingatholwa. Kumele siqonde ukuthi le mpi inzima kanjani kumfana. Kukhona ukungqubuzana kwangaphakathi kuyo. Njengoba omunye umfana asho, "ngaphakathi kimi kukhona ama-halves amabili alwa wodwa."

Isiteji se-4: Workers Union. Ayikho into emnandi kubazali ukwedlula ukubona ukuthi indodana isondela kuye. Lapho indodana ibuka ikhathuni enabalingisi besifazane ku-TV, umama ka-Aron, umfana omncane onenkinga yobulili, wathola ithuba elingajwayelekile lokubukela ukungqubuzana kwakhe kwangaphakathi:

Ngabona ukuthi u-Aron wayefuna ukuhlangana nale heroine. Ngaphambi kwalokho, wayedansa azungeze igumbi njenge-ballerina.

Izibalo eziseduze zisuka kwisethi yamathoyizi nezimoto eziningana. Ngabona ukuthi ubezama ukukhipha amehlo akhe ku-TV ahlanganise esinye sezibalo. Wazama ukumelana nesilingo sokuzicabangela yena leli qhawe. Inhliziyo yami yayopha kakhulu ngoba bengiqonda kahle imizwa yakhe.

Esigabeni sokubambisana, ngeke ahlangane nawe kuphela, kodwa futhi uzokhuluma ngomzabalazo wakhe wangaphakathi. Omunye umbhangqwana wabika ukuthi indodana yabo encane iyakholelwa kubo: “Kunzima kakhulu ukukhula.” Khumbula ukuthi ezinganeni, ukukhula kudala izingxabano ngoba kusho ukuhlangana nenselele yokuba umfana. Futhi isitobha ekuthuthukiseni sihlala sikhanga, ngoba sinikeza induduzo yendima yowesifazane noma eyisihlobo nobudlelwano obusondelene kakhulu nomama, kusiza ukufihla izimfuno zomhlaba wesilisa. Omunye umfana uthe ngokukhungatheka okusobala: “Ngizama ukukhohlwa ngabo,” ebhekise ekuqoqeni onodoli bakaBarbie abanikeze wona. Unina ungitshele ukuthi: "Manje usefuna ukushintsha, yize ngibona ukuthi kumthatha amandla amaningi."

Indima yomelaphi

Njengoba abazali bezwelana kakhulu nengane, kuvame ukuba nzima ngabo ukwenza ngokwezinguquko izinguquko ezidingekayo bebodwa. Uma kungakhoneka, ngincoma kakhulu ukuthola usizo lwezengqondo olungcono.

I-psychotherapist yochwepheshe ehlanganyela amanani akho nezinhloso zakho, okokuqala, ikutshela izinyathelo ezilandelayo, bese okwesibili, ikhombisa izikhala ongazivumela njengabantu nanjengabazali. Ngakho-ke, udokotela wezokwelapha angaqaphela ukuthi ukuxhumana kwakho nengane ngeke kube nomphumela oyifunayo. Uyabona ukuthi indodana yakho ayikaze ikhulume ngemizamo yayo nezingxabano zayo, kepha ifeza izicelo zakho zangaphandle kuphela. Ungakhombisa ukuthi umama nobaba badlulisela kanjani okuhlukahlukene, futhi mhlawumbe baphikise futhi baphikise imiyalezo ngocansi.

Ukulungiswa kokuphazamiseka kobulili kwengane, ubunye babazali kubaluleke kakhulu. Izinguquko ezingagcineki kakhulu kungenzeka ngentshisekelo eqhubekayo yabazali bobabili. Uma kungumzali oyedwa kuphela owenza lokhu, amathuba okuba nemiphumela emihle aphansi kakhulu. Khumbula, ayikho into efana nelungu “elingathathi hlangothi” leqembu labazali. Umzali ongenandaba ubonwa ngumntwana njengemvume engashiwongo yokuhlala komuntu wesifazane nanjengengqondo yesikhundla somunye umzali. Ukwelashwa kwendabuko kwengqondo kwendabuko yesimo sangaphambi kobungqingili kugxile ekusebenzeni kwengane okuqashelwe yi-psychotherapist eyodwa. Abazali bebengayi emihlanganweni ebigcinwa nengane amahlandla amabili kuya kwesihlanu ngesonto iminyaka eminingi. Indlela yokwelapha enjalo ibiza kakhulu, futhi izinga lempumelelo lashiya okuningi ukuba kufiswe. Kusebenza kangcono uma i-psychapist isebenza njalo nabazali, hhayi nengane. Ngemuva kwezikhathi eziningana zamasonto onke, udokotela kufanele ahlangane nabazali kuphela ngokubonisana okudingekile nokubheka inqubekela phambili yomfana (cishe kanye ngenyanga). Imvamisa, umhlangano nengane ufuneka kudokotela wezengqondo kuphela ukuthola ukuxilongwa kokuqala bese ngezikhathi ezithile ngesikhathi sokulashwa. Imvamisa ngithole ukuthi ukwesekwa nokwelulekwa kwengcweti yami kuqinisa kuphela ulwazi olunembile lwabazali bami. Inhliziyo ibatshela ukuthi ingane ayilungile, kepha badinga imvume yokungenelela. Iningi labomama lazi kahle kamhlophe ukuthi ubaba womfana kufanele ngabe ubandakanyeke kakhulu kulenqubo nokuthi ukuhamba kwakhe kwandisa ubunzima bendodana yabo.

Kodwa, njengoba sishilo esahlukweni esedlule, abazali bavame ukulahleka lapho bebhekene nemibiko yabezindaba ephikisanayo nabachwepheshe bokukhulisa izingane. Abazali abanjalo badinga udokotela onolwazi ozokuxhasa wabo izinhloso, hhayi umqondo wokuthi ubulili abufanele. Udokotela kumele alungiselele ingane impilo emhlabeni wobulili, esiza ekwehliseni amathuba okukhula kobungqingili.

Uthando olungenamibandela

Omunye wemithwalo yemfanelo ebaluleke kakhulu ukusiza abazali ukuthi baveze ukungamukeleki kwabo njengabesifazane isimilo hhayi ukuthuka ingane. Udokotela usiza abazali ukuthi bafundise ukutshela umfana ukuthi ukuziphatha kwabantu besifazane akwamukeleki, futhi kumnene, kepha kuyaphikisana nokuziphatha okunjalo. Kepha ngasikhathi sinye, umfana akufanele abheke izimfuno zabazali njengokugxekwa noma ukwaliwa.

Lapho usebenza nezinkinga zendodana yakho (noma yendodakazi yakho), ungezwa ukuthi umuntu ophilile akavinjelwe engxenyeni emincane yobulili. Uzotshelwa ukuthi ubuntu kumele bufake phakathi kwezimpawu zowesilisa nowesifazane. Lokhu kusebenza okudumile kuza, ikakhulukazi, emsebenzini womhlaziyi uKarl Gustav Jung, owayephila ngesikhathi sikaFreud. UJung wayekholelwa ukuthi ukukhula kudinga ukuhlanganiswa kwezimpawu zobulili obuhlukile. Impela, esitatimendeni sokuthi senqubekweni yokukhula sihlanganisa izimilo zobulili ezingafani, kukhona iqiniso elithile. Kepha lokhu kungatholakala kuphela ngemuva kokukhonjwa ngokuqinile ngocansi lwebhayoloji. Ukuhlanganiswa okunjalo akufanele kube sengozini yokufezeka kobunikazi bobulili obudingekayo.

Ukuchazwa okungahambi kahle kwalesi simiso kubonakala othandweni lwabazali lokuphambuka kobulili ezinganeni zabo. Abanye omama “asethuthukile” bathi bayakujabulela ukubona indodana yabo igqoke noma inodoli ezandleni zayo, futhi ababoni nkinga ngokwenqaba kwendodakazi yakhe ukwakheka kwayo ukugqoka. Kepha lokhu kuyiphutha elikhulu. Kuwubuwula ukukhuthaza indodana ukuba ifune izimfanelo zesifazane ngaphambi kokuba ikhululeke ngobunikazi besilisa noma ukusekela ukwenqatshelwa kwendodakazi yayo izinto zesifazane.

Isilinganiso sempumelelo

Ukwelashwa okuphumelelayo kokuphazamiseka kobulili kufanele kunciphise ukusebenza kobulili obuhlukile futhi kuqinise ukuzazi okunempilo, kuthuthukise ubudlelwane nontanga, futhi ekugcineni kunciphise ukucindezeleka empilweni yengane. Inhloso yokwelapha ukunciphisa umuzwa womfana wokuthi wehlukile kwabanye abafana futhi mubi ngokwedlula lawo. Lokhu kwandisa amathuba okukhulisa indlela ejwayelekile yobungqingili. Ukubheka impumelelo yakho, naka izinkomba zokuphumelela ezilandelayo:

I-1. Yehlisa ubufazi. Ababelethi babukela ukusuka ekuziphatheni okubangele ukukhathazeka. Kufanele sibone ukuzithoba okuncane ekuphishekeleni ngemikhuba nasejwazini.

I-2. Ukukhula kokuzethemba. Abazali bayabona ukuthi indodana yabo izizwa iqiniseka ngokwengeziwe futhi iyaziqhenya ngokuthi yabhekana nomsebenzi onzima. Ababelethi bayabona ukuthi umntanabo uzethemba ngokwengeziwe.

I-3. Ukuvuthwa okuhle. Abazali bachaza ingane ukuthi ijabule ngokwengeziwe, inokuzethemba okukhulu futhi inemvelo ngokwengeziwe. Omunye umama, ekhetha amagama akhe, wawuchaza ngale ndlela: "Ubonakala engaphezulu ... ongokoqobo." Umfana uye abe namahloni, abe namahloni nokuzicabangela yena. Uzokhombisa ikhono elihle kakhulu lokuxhumana ngokomzwelo nempendulo eyanele kwabanye abantu.

I-4. Unciphise ukukhathazeka noma ukudangala. Abaphenyi batholile ukuxhumana phakathi kobuntu besifazane nokukhula okukhathazayo noma ukucindezelwa.². Ngenkathi kuxazululwa ukungqubuzana kobuntu bobulili, abazali bayabona ukuthi indodana ayigugi kakhulu futhi ayivikeleki, ayikhathazeki kangako ngezimpawu. Umuzwa okhulayo wokufana nabanye abafana unciphisa izimpawu zokukhathazeka nokudangala.

I-5. Ukukhula ukuthandwa phakathi kwabafana. Ngokwalokho okutholwe, abafana abakhombisa izici 'zomfana wangempela' ekuziphatheni kwabo bathandwa kakhulu, futhi labo abangenaso isibindi abadumile. (Emantombazaneni, ubudlelwane phakathi kokuziphatha nokuthandwa abubonakaliswa kahle). Abafana abanesibindi kaningi kunabesifazane banobungane obuhle nabafana. Abafana abanezinkinga zobunikazi bobulili bavame ukuba yizisulu zodlame olwedlulele yontanga yabo. Ngokwazi kwami ​​okuhlangenwe nakho kwezempilo, abafana besifazane nabo bavame ukuba yizisulu zokuhlukunyezwa ngokocansi ngama-pedophiles, abaziyo ukuthi umfana owenqatshwa ontanga akanakwa ukunakwa ngakho-ke umele inyamazane elula.

I-6. Yehla ezinkingeni zokuziphatha. Iningi labafana abandulela ubungqingili lithobela "abafana abalungile", inani elincane kuphela lezingane liziphatha ngokungalaleli. Kunoma ikuphi, lapho ingane ithola ukuziphatha okufanele kobulili, abazali bezingane, othisha kanye nabanye abantu abadala babona ukuthi usephilile emphakathini. Babona ukwehla kwezinga lokuxinana, ukugqabhuka okungokomzwelo nokuhlukaniswa.

I-7. Ukwenza ngcono ubudlelwano nobaba. Abazali babika ukuthi indodana ifinyelela kuyise, ifuna ukuba naye futhi iyakujabulela ukuba naye.

I-8. "Uyakuthokozela ukuthi ungumfana." Abazali banomuzwa wokuthi indodana yabo iyaziqhenya ngokuthi ingumfana - ukwenza okufanayo nabo bonke abafana, nokwenza kahle. Lokhu kumlethela umuzwa wokwaneliseka ngoba ungomunye wabafana. UDkt George Rekers uchaza imiphumela yokwelashwa yezingane ezingaphezu kwamashumi amahlanu ezine-RHI ezibe nezinguquko eziphikelelayo ekuzazini ubulili. URekers uyaqiniseka ukuthi ukwelashwa kokuvimbela kusiza ukuvimba ukwakheka kwe-transvestism, i-transsexourse, kanye nezinye izinhlobo zobungqingili.³.

Odokotela Zucker noBradley baphinde basikisele ukuthi ukwelashwa kwe-RGI kungaphumelela:

Kokuhlangenwe nakho kwethu, izingane eziningi nemindeni yazo zenza ushintsho olukhulu. Sibhekise kulezo zimo lapho izinkinga ze-RGI zixazululwe ngokuphelele, futhi akukho lutho ekuziphatheni kwezingane noma emibonweni yezingqondo eziveza ukuthi izinkinga zobunikazi bobulili ziseseyinkinga ...

Ngokunikezwa zonke izinto, sinamathela esimweni sokuthi udokotela kufanele abe nethemba, futhi angaphiki ithuba lokusiza izingane ukuthi zithole ukuzethemba ngobunikazi bazo.

Abanye abacwaningi ababika impumelelo ngabafana besifazane bathi ukwelashwa okusebenzayo kusiza izingane ukuthi ziqonde izizathu zokuziphatha kwabo bobulili obuhlukile futhi kuqinisa nezimpawu zobudoda. Ukusondela kwabo, njengokwethu, kubandakanya ubukhona bomelaphi, omunye onomntwana wobulili, ozodinga usizo lukababa wengane. Kubandakanya nomndeni wengane neqembu labontanga ekwelashweni.

Ukuhamba ngenqubo yoshintsho

Sifuna ukwaba imiphumela yokwelashwa kwezingane ezinezinkinga zobulili, ngokunikeza okubhaliwe kwamacala ambalwa wangempela. Lawa macala awakhethwanga ngesisekelo sempumelelo; amelela izibonelo zemindeni ebhekane nempumelelo kanye nokudumazeka okubonakalayo. Zonke lezi zibonelo ezikhonjiwe zenzelwe abafana abephulwe umthetho wobulili obekucacile kangangokuba bakhathaza abazali babo.

Siyethemba ukuthi njengoba ufunda, ungaqhathanisa isimo sendodana yakho nempumelelo yakhe. Bonke laba bafana balethwa ehhovisi lami ngenxa yokuphazamiseka kobulili. Abazali babo babuya bezoxilongwa ngemuva kokulashwa iminyaka eminingana ngemuva kokuphothulwa kokwelashwa.

Khumbula ukuthi inhloso yokwelashwa ukunciphisa imizwa yomfana ukuthi yehlukile noma imbi kunabanye abafana. Lokhu kukhulisa amathuba okuqhakambisa ukujwayela kobungqingili obujwayelekile, yize kungahlulelwa kuphela ngemuva kwamashumi amabili kuya kwamashumi amabili kamuva.

UTommy: isidingo esikhona sokuzethemba okwengeziwe

Okulandelayo kungumbhalo wengxoxo nonina wendodana onezinkinga zobulili, owenziwa eminyakeni eminingana emva kokuphothulwa kokwelashwa. Lo mfana wakwazi ukuqeda ngokuphelele imikhuba yesifazane futhi uzizwa engcono kakhulu. Ubunzima ekuxhumaneni nokuzithemba kusamvimbela lokho, ngoba uTommy usazivumela ukuthi adlale indima ebonakalayo ebudlelwaneni nabafana namantombazane.

UDkt N. Isikhathi sokugcina ubukuleli hhovisi eminyakeni emine edlule. Ngabe isebenza kanjani indodana yakho manje?

Umama: Konke kukho konke, kungcono kakhulu. UTommy akuthambekele ekushintsheni kwemizwa, futhi akasakwazi ukubizwa ngokuthi ngowesifazane.

UDkt N. Kuthiwani ngokuthandwa kwendodana yakho phakathi kwabanye abafana?

Umama: Ngeshwa, kuncane okushintshile lapha.

UDkt N. Akakhuphukanga?

Umama: Cha. Inkinga ukuthi wadumala kwezinye izingane ayezama ukuzenza abangane lapho zingamphendulanga. Wavele wayeka ukubabiza futhi wakhuluma nabo esikoleni. Unomkhuba onjalo wokubuyela emuva lapho ebhekene nokudumazeka, isithiyo.

UDkt N. Ingabe unabangane abaseduze?

Umama: UMarianne, intombazane evela emgaqweni wethu. Basengabangane abahle. Ngiyabonga uNkulunkulu, akufani njengangaphambili, lapho babefanele babonane njalo.

UDkt N. Kwesokudla. Ngiyakhumbula ukuthi lapho aziphatha kabi kakhulu, uTommy wayevame ukuchitha isikhathi esiningi naye.

Umama: Yebo Wavumela uMarianne ukuthi amphathe ngokweqile futhi ayale. Imvamisa wayevumelana naleli lungiselelo, yize ayephatha lona, ​​waqondisa ukuthi ahambe kuphi nokuthi enzeni. Ngemuva kwalokho angiqondanga ukuthi ubudlelwano obunjalo abumsizanga yena.

UDkt N. Buyini ubudlelwano bakhe nabafana?

Umama: Unomngane osondelene naye, kepha angiboni ukusondela engingathanda ukukubona, yize lo mfana ebheka indodana yami njengomngane wakhe omkhulu. Lapho bebodwa, uTommy uthi okuncane. Athule kakhulu. Omunye umfana uhlala egijima athi: "Ngingcono."

Ngokusobala, yize ubufazi bungasekho, uTommy usadinga usizo ngenxa yokufuna kwakhe ubudlelwano azivumelayo ukuba abuyele. Ngiphakamise ukuthi umama amnikeze iklabhu noma enze umsebenzi lapho angaba khona

ukuhola nokusiza izingane ezincane, ukukhulisa ukuzethemba kwakhe futhi kwandise ukuzethemba. Ukwelashwa nge-psychotherapist yowesilisa nakho kungaba wusizo.

"Tim": ubaba usephenduke umuntu othandekayo ongaxhumana naye

Njengoba ubaba kaTim abonile ukuthi indodana yakhe enezinkinga zobulili idinga ukunakwa okwengeziwe futhi yaqala ukunikela isikhathi esengeziwe kuye, umfana uthuthuke kakhulu.

Ubaba: Ngonyaka owedlule, ngaba nokuqaphelayo: Ngizama ukuqaphela ukuthi uTim uxhumana kanjani nontanga, abafana namantombazane, ukuthi uziphatha kanjani ezimweni ezihlukile. Isikole sabo sasinendawo yezemidlalo engabalulekile, futhi ngasiza ekwakheni izitebele. Ngakhanga uTim, abanye abafana, amadodana abo emisebenzini eminingi yokwakha, futhi ngakwazi ukusondela endodaneni yami. Sobabili sikujabulele. Ngike ngazama ukukwenza lokhu ngaphambilini, kepha uTim akazange abonise mdlandla; Ngicabanga ukuthi wayengeke awuqede umuzwa wokuthi wayengeke afinyelele par.

Umama: Ngingafaka okuthile, Jack. Ngicabanga ukuthi kuningi okunye okwakubangele indodana yami. Ngicabanga ukuthi uTim wakwenqaba ngenkuthalo nakho konke okuhlobene nawe.

UDkt N. Lokhu kungukuzivikela kuphela emcabangweni wokuba phansi. Isikhundla sokuphakama kwakuyisigaxa ngemuva lapho afihla khona umuzwa wokuthi ungaphansi.

Ubaba: Cishe uqinisile. Wacabanga: “Uma ngamukela ubaba njengoba enjalo, kufanele ngikwamukele iqiniso lokuthi angikwazi ukulandela lesi sithombe. Kepha manje sengingalwela ukufana naye kakhulu; ngoba ngiyakwazi ukukufeza lokhu. " Manje ekuxhumaneni nendodana yami, ngikuqonda ngokwengeziwe lokhu. Uma bengizama ukukhuluma naye ngezinto esizixoxa manje, ngonyaka owedlule, ubengasho lutho futhi avale.

UDkt N.: Lesi simo sengqondo siqhubeka nokuba umuntu mdala. Izitabane eziningi, njengoba kubonakala ezincwadini zobungqingili, zithi ubungqingili buziphakamisa ngaphezu kwabafana abajwayelekile. Bangabantu bokudala, banokukhula okungenamkhawulo; futhi umuntu ojwayelekile uyisisebenzi esijwayelekile. Kepha, okumangazayo ukuthi, ngasikhathi sinye, bakhangwa ngocansi ngohlobo lwabafana abadelelekile. Lesi yisikhundla sokuzivikela esivela kulawo mava abuhlungu obuntwana indodana yakho eyalwa nayo phakathi kontanga yayo. Uzamile ukukhombisa lokho uyaphumelela, ungomunye walaba bafana.

Ubaba: Yebo, kusuka kulo muzwa wokuba phansi kanye nokungakwazi ukungena ezweni lamadoda esifuna ukuwavikela. Kepha phambilini, uTim ubengafuni ukuziveza kimi. Ngokusobala, bekubonakala kuye ukuthi uma evula futhi akhombise okukuwo umphefumulo wakhe, uyobe esezwa udonga: “Well lapha futhi! Abanendaba ngempela " noma "Abakuqondi engizama ukubatshela kona. ”

Kwangicacela ukuthi: lapho uTim evula futhi efuna ukukhuluma, kufanele ngilalelisise. Lesi akusona isikhathi sokufunda umagazini noma ukubukela i-TV, noma ngabe kunohlelo engifuna ukulubuka ngempela. Kungcono ukulahla konke ulalele, yilokho engikuzwisisile. Uma ungenzi ngokushesha, uyavala.

Manje uza kimi abuze: “Ngabe kuyinto evamile uma ngenza lokhu?” Ngamanye amagama, ungibuza ukuthi ngiziphathe kanjani njengendoda. Futhi ngithatha isikhathi sami ngichaza ukuthi kungani kungakufanele ukuthi aziphathe ngokubuthana babangani uma efuna ukuthi abafana esikoleni bamphathe kahle. Ngikweluleka ukuthi ungazinaki zonke izinhlobo zezinto ezi-girlish. Futhi uma ngikhuluma naye kanjalo, ngizizwa ngithintana naye, ngifunda emehlweni akhe ukuthi: "Kulungile baba, ngizozama."

Bengingakaze ngimutshele ngokweqiniso ukuthi kungani enezinkinga ezinjalo ngabafana esikoleni. Manje ngiphendukela kuye ngothando, njengomeluleki nanjengo baba, bese ngithi: “Uma ufuna ukuphila ngaphandle kokushaywa nangobuhlungu, kufanele ufunde: kunezinto ezivumelekile, kepha kukhona ezingamukeleki. Kukhona indlela yokuziphatha ezokulethela usizi kuphela. ”

Angisaboni ukuthinta okulula noma ukungakhululeki. Phambi kwami ​​kukhona insizwa endala kakhulu kunendlela umuntu ayengayilindela ngaleso sikhathi. Kufana nokuthatha incwadi, ukuguqula amakhasi futhi ungasho kuphela ukuthi: "Yebo, kahle!" Futhi inqubekela phambili iyaqhubeka.

Vele, ukulahla imikhuba yesifazane akuyona into esemqoka, kodwa lapho ebambelela ngokuhlukile, laba bantu abazungezile baziphatha ngendlela ehlukile kuye futhi kancane kancane uTim ngokwakhe uqala ukuzibona ehlukile.

U-Evan: Imizamo kababa yokuphulukisa ubudlelwano

Indodana kayise, oweza kimi engxoxweni, eminyakeni emithathu eyedlule, eneminyaka eyishumi nantathu, wangena kwezocansi nomeluleki ekamu ehlobo.

UDkt N. Lapho u-Evan esemncane, wayehlukile kwamanye amadodana akho?

Ubaba: Akungabazeki ngakho. Ngikuqaphele ekuseni kakhulu ukuthi amathoyizi u-Evan ukhetha ini. Futhi wayeyingane ekhombisa ukuzwela okukhulu, enobungane kakhulu futhi enomoya. Simthathe njengobuchule futhi ezibucayi. Lapho ikhula, saqala ukubona ukukhangana kwezinto ezingamasiko ethu ezingathathwa njengabesilisa.

UDkt N. Kwakukhathaza?

Ubaba: Hhayi ukuthi kungenxa yokuthi sinabantu abaningi abakha emndenini wethu, futhi sizamile ukuqonda ukuthi uzokhula nobani. Angikaze ngikholelwe ukuthi indodana yami kufanele ibe nesibindi noma ibuye ibe nomncintiswano ikakhulukazi. Kamuva nje, lapho sibona isithakazelo ezintweni zobungqingili, azikhulisa lapho esondela ekuthweni, ngabona ukuthi kwakudingeka ukuba aziphathe ngendlela ehlukile nendodana enjalo.

UDkt N. Yini obungayenza ngokuhlukile?

Ubaba: Akufanele ngabe ngangiqine kakhulu futhi ngikhetha imininingwane. Wayengaphoqwa ukuba enze into enjengale, futhi hhayi ngenye indlela, ngisho noma ayengumkhulumeli. U-Evan wacasuka impela lapho egxekwa. Lokhu akuzange kulimaze amanye amadodana ami, kepha wayekhathazekile. Futhi ngakho-ke kwavela igebe phakathi kwethu, okwathi iminyaka eminingi kuphazamisa ubudlelwano bethu.

Kuyihlazo ukuthi kungithathe iminyaka eminingi ukuthi ngiqonde: indodana yami ayinaso isikhalazo "thwala, ungabi manzi". Ngaphezu kwabanye, u-Evan wayedinga ukubona ukuthi ubaba wakhe uyaphendula, uyakwazi ukukhala, akwazi ukulalela futhi athi: “Ake sikhulume, uzizwa kanjani” esikhundleni sokuthi “Ngakho-ke, asikhulume! Uyaphila! ”

UDkt N. Ufunani indodana yakho?

Ubaba: Ngaphezu kwakho konke, ngithemba ukuthi uzoba nokuthula emphefumulweni wakhe, ukuthi uzofunda ukujabulela ukuthi ungubani. Noma yikuphi ukudideka nokungaphatheki kahle angakuzwa manje, nginethemba lokuthi uzophila. Futhi njengoba umndeni wethu ungamaKristu, ngiyethemba futhi ukuthi uzoyiqonda intando kaNkulunkulu maqondana nokuphila kwakhe.

UDkt N. Kepha kuthiwani uma ngolunye usuku eza kuwe ethi: “Mama, baba. Ngazama ukushintsha. Angikwazanga, futhi ngiyisitabane. ” Wawuzokwenzenjani-ke?

Ubaba: Kuzoba buhlungu kakhulu kimi ukuzwa lokhu, kodwa ngisazomthanda, engikushoyo.

UDkt N. Ngabe uzoqhubeka nokugcina ubuhlobo?

Ubaba: Ngokwemvelo. Ngingabaphazamisa kanjani? Le yindodana yethu.

UDkt N. Kwesokudla Izingane zethu zihlala zingabantwana bethu.

Ubaba: Muva nje, sikhale ngaphezu kwesisodwa, futhi u-Evan wathulula umphefumulo wami. Ungitshele ukuthi kuqhubekani ngaye. Ngimlalele, ngithole ukuthi izinto eziningi engazenza ngenxa yothando, wazibona ezihlukile. U-Evan uwahumushe njengokugxeka.

UDkt N. Kwakuyini inkomba yenkinga kuwe?

Ubaba: Lapho u-Evan esakhula, ngabona ukuthi uyahlupheka. Wazibona njengongasebenzi futhi wazibona enamaphutha kuphela. Angimthandi. Bese kuba nalesosigameko sokuya ocansini nomeluleki ovela ekamu, okwaba yinselelo ethusayo ngempela. Lapho ngisondela endodaneni yami, ngabona ukuthi kunzima kanjani ukuyikholisa ukuthi ngiyithanda ngempela futhi ngiyayithanda impilo yayo. Wayebonakala kunzima ukukholwa.

UDkt N. Akakwazanga ukwamukela okushoyo?

Ubaba: Yebo, futhi sakhala ndawonye izikhathi eziningi.

UDkt N. Cabanga ukuthi kunzima kanjani.

Ubaba: Kubuhlungu ukuzwa ukuthi indodana yakho ilwa nayo. Kuyishwa elibi ukuthi awukwazi ukususa bonke ubuhlungu, izinkumbulo ezimbi, amaphutha ekhonjwe kuwe manje, kepha ungawasusa kwimemori yakho kuphela.

UDkt N. Kuningi esingakhuluma ngakho. ngamunye wethu njengomzali ungathanda ukukhohlwa, akunjalo?

Ubaba: Manje, mina no-Evan sikwazi ukukhuluma ngalokhu, ikakhulukazi lapho edangele futhi ezizwa kabi. Manje, ezimeni eziningi, anginikezi izeluleko futhi angizami ukuxazulula inkinga. Ngimane ngilalele futhi ngimvumele ukuthi aphonse imizwa yami noma intukuthelo kimi, futhi uma angithukuthelele, angizukuzivikela.

UDkt N. Yisiphi iseluleko ongasinikeza obaba bezentsha?

Ubaba: Sinenhlanhla yokuthi indodana yethu ayifuni ukuba yisitabane. Lokhu kushintsha kakhulu. Kepha manje, sekuyiminyaka embalwa emva kwalesi sehlakalo kwezocansi, futhi siyaqonda ukuthi lokhu ngeke kulungiswe ngokushesha.

UDkt N. Akukho okuguqukayo manjalo.

Ubaba: Kuzoba nezikhathi lapho uthi: “Akukho okusizayo; akushintshi ”, kanye nezikhathi lapho uqiniseka ukuthi inkinga ixazululwe ngokuphelele. Ngalezo zinsuku, uzitshela ukuthi: "Kuyasebenza, ngiyabonga uNkulunkulu! Ingane yami izothandana nobungqingili! ” Ngakho-ke, ngangithi kubazali bami: “Yazi, lokhu kuzoba yinde, futhi isimo singaba sibi kakhulu ngaphambi kokuhamba kahle.”

Uma ngibheka emuva, ngiyabona ukuthi akuphathelene nokulungisa imikhuba. Akubizi ukuthi “angifuni u-Evan ahambe kanjalo” noma “angifuni ukuthi azulise isandla sakhe kanjalo.”

UDkt N. Impela. Umbuzo ujule kakhulu kunokuziphatha.

Ubaba: Eqinisweni, umbuzo uwukuthi ngabe u-Evan angajabula, ekugcineni azizwe ekhululekile, ngokuthula naye. Uyabona ukuthi ikuphi ukukhetha abhekene nakho futhi angafuni ukuba yisitabane. Ubuhlobo bethu naye buthuthuke kakhulu. Ngikholwa ukuthi manje sesingaqiniseka ukuthi senze konke okusemandleni ukubeka isisekelo esifanele.

USimon: Ubaba Ongenandaba

USimon, ngemuva kweminyaka emihlanu abazali bakhe beqale ukwenza okuthile, wabuye waqeda imikhuba yobuntu besifazane. Unina uthi ungumfundi omuhle, ukhulile. Akajwayele ukushintshashintsha kwemizwelo, futhi nezinkinga zakhe zobulili zisele ngemuva. Kodwa-ke, ubaba kaSimon wakuvumela lokho, futhi, njengaku-Tommy, umfana usenobunzima bokuzethemba.

UDkt N. Mnu Martin, ineminyaka emingaki indodana yakho?

Umama: Abayishumi nambili.

UDkt N. Ngabe ucabanga ukuthi usephenduke insikazi?

Umama: Impela kunjalo. Angiboni ubufazi kuye. Lapho esemncane, kwakukhona ukuthambekela okunjalo ezingutsheni, ekuphatheni, nasekuthandeni ukudansa. Ukuzama ukukhumbula, kwakukhona kudala.

UDkt N. Kuhle. Kuthiwani ngokuzethemba?

Umama: Akazethembi kakhulu, akubona esimweni sakhe, kodwa unabaqeqeshi abanakile abamkhuthazayo, angaphefumlela ukuzethemba kuye, amsize azisungule. Ngazama ukumkhethela abaqeqeshi futhi neqembu lamakilasi.

UDkt N. Ngabe ucabanga ukuthi ukukhathazeka nokudangala kukaSimon sekunciphile?

Umama: Akungabazeki ngakho. Angibange ngisababona.

UDkt N. Futhi kwenzekani ngaphambili?

Umama: Ngikhumbula iminyaka embalwa edlule, ukukhathazeka kwakusobala. Kwabonakala ikakhulukazi lapho eya emakilasini, lapho kwakukhona khona abafana namantombazane. Kungaleso sikhathi lapho engaqala ngqa ukubona khona ukuthi wayenobunzima bokuxhumana nezinye izingane. Wayekhala, engabaza. Wayefuna ukuhlala ekhaya nami.

UDkt N. Ingabe usethembe kakhulu kunalokho?

Umama: Ngiyazi nakanjani ukuthi indodana yami iyazethemba ezindaweni ezithile. Isibonelo, ezifundweni, uphambi kwezinye izingane. Usanda kunikezwa ikhadi lemibiko, futhi ezifundweni eziningi uthola amaphuzu aphezulu kakhulu. Ukutadisha kulula kuye. Angisayiboni yobuntwana, yize izincazelo zezingane ngezikhathi ezithile zingena kuye futhi kufanele ngikhumbuze ngalokhu. Ngokwezinga lakhe lentuthuko, unesibopho esikhulu futhi unaka, akaze afike sekwedlule isikhathi lapho siya kwenye indawo.

UDkt N. Angikhumbuli uSimon enezinkinga zokuziphatha. Ngabe kukhona okushintshile kusukela lapho?

Umama: Wayeziphatha kahle njalo. Unobuhlakani futhi uzolile kakhulu. Lapho abanye bezoba iziqhwaga, uSimoni uzogxila futhi amukele ulwazi.

UDkt N. Zinjani izinto nabangani?

Umama: Abafana abaningi bambiza futhi bambuze ukuthi axazulule kanjani umsebenzi wabo wesikole, ngakho ngiyazi ukuthi ukuxhumana nabanye abafana nokuthi bayamthanda. Kepha mina uqobo ngicabanga ukuthi isimo sakhe sangaphakathi sibonisa ukuthi akazethembi kakhulu. Yize bemthanda, ngicabanga ukuthi uzoba nesizungu, yize edla nabafana futhi ebamba iqhaza kwezemidlalo. Akadlali ngokweqile, kodwa wenza kahle impela. Umqeqeshi uthi ukuqonda konke, ngakho ngokuhamba kwesikhathi konke kuzongena endaweni yakhe.

UDkt N. Ubudlelwano bukaSimon nobaba wakhe buthini?

Umama: Akunjalo ngempela. Umyeni wami akazange afunde lutho. Uyamthuka, futhi ngiyabona ukuthi kubuhlungu ukuziqhenya kukaSimon. Ngemuva kwalokhu, indodana iya egumbini layo igweme ubaba izinsuku eziningi. Umyeni kufanele aqonde ukuthi le yinkinga, kepha akaboni. Untula ubuhlakani, noma uzwela, noma okunye.

UDkt N. Uyakubona lokhu? Ngabe uyakuqonda ukuthi lokhu akuyona into ejwayelekile?

Umama: Cha, angicabangi kanjalo.

UDkt N. Okusho ukuthi, akayiboni inkinga ... Ake ngicacise: kwesinye isikhathi ubaba wakhe uyamthethisa, uSimon ahambe aphendule futhi agweme uyise isikhathi eside. Ngabe ubaba akakuboni lokhu noma, ngasizathu simbe, akafuni ukwenza umzamo nokuxhumana naye umfana?

Umama: Yebo Lokhu ngikubheka njengokwehluleka kobubele. Isifiso sami sokuqala, njengomama, ukuvikela izingane zami. Kungakho saba nezinkinga emshadweni. Manje angazihluphi ukukhumbuza umyeni wami. Kungizwisa ubuhlungu ukubona indodana yami ikulesi simo, futhi angisafuni ukubhekana nomyeni wami ngoSimon. Kade saqala ukuthuka ngenxa yalokhu, futhi lokhu kulimaze umshado wethu.

UDkt N. Ukube awuzange umtshele, khona-ke ...

Umama: Ukuthi sonke sizohlala ekhaya impilo yethu yonke, singenzi lutho. Ukuphela kwento umyeni akwenzayo nezingane ukubuka i-TV, nokubuka ini yena uqobo ufuna. Umyeni wami ufana nengane enobugovu.

Unina kaSimon wenze konke okusemandleni indodana yakhe, kepha umfana usadinga ukulandela isibonelo, futhi sethemba ukuthi esinye sezihlobo sizothatha indawo kababa.

"Brian": Uthando nokunakwa kukababa kuletha imiphumela

Ngokwalokho okubonwe ngabazali bakaBrian, umfana uvele aqhakaze lapho uyise engakhohlwa ngaye. Futhi isihluthulelo sokuphumelela yimpumelelo.

UDkt N. Mm. UJones, uneminyaka emingaki uBrian? Sekudlule iminyaka emine selokhu wavakasha kwakho kokugcina.

Umama: Uyishumi manje.

UDkt N. Ngabe ukukala kanjani ukuthi kungabi ngowesifazane omncane? Noma iziphi izinguquko?

Umama: Yebo, futhi ezinkulu. Usenokuthinta okuthile kwabesifazane. Kumadodana ami amane, ungowesifazane impela; noma kunjalo, akasaziphathi "njengentombazane." Njengoba sisho, "iziphatha njengomfana", "ukuba yinto ejwayelekile." Ngicabanga ukuthi usezabalaza kancane ngalokhu - ukushukuma komzimba, ukunyakaza. Kwesinye isikhathi kusadingeka

mkhumbuze ngalokhu. Kepha ngiyabona ukuthi isimilo sakhe sanele ngokwedlulele, futhi kunjalo iminyaka eminingana.

UDkt N. Ngabe ucabanga ukuthi uyashintsha ngoba uyazi ukuthi uma kungenjalo usengozini yokungamukeleki, noma ngoba ulahlekelwe isithakazelo ngokuziphatha kwakhe kwangaphambilini?

Umama: Angiboni lutho olungafanele. Uziphatha ngendlela ejwayelekile, noma ngabe asikho, ngibe ngilandela lokhu iminyaka eminingana.

UDkt N. Lokho wukuthi, ucabanga ukuthi, indlela yokuziphatha kwabantu besifazane yehle kakhulu.

Umama: Yebo, kuningi.

UDkt N. Ukala kanjani ukuzethemba kwakhe? Ngiyakhumbula ukuthi wayenezinkinga ngokuzithemba okuphansi.

Umama: Ngicabanga ukuthi uzolwa nalokhu impilo yakhe yonke. Ngiyabona ukuthi kancane kancane uyakhuphuka, kepha kuye kuyimpi enzima kakhulu. Kwesinye isikhathi uyeza athi kimi: “Ngicabanga ukuthi ngiyathandwa” noma “ngicabanga ukuthi ngingenza ubungane nomunye umuntu.” Imvamisa ngikuzwa lokho. Unomusa wokuzikhuthaza, ngenkathi amanye amadodana ami amathathu engazange akungabaze ukuthandwa kwakhe.

UDkt N. Kuthiwani ngokukhathazeka nokudangala kwakhe? Lokhu bekuyinkinga enkulu kuBrian, ikakhulukazi ukucindezeleka.

Umama: Ucishe wahamba.

UDkt N. Ngempela?

Umama: Ngingasho ukuthi ngonyaka owedlule angizange ngimbone nakancane. Usaphethwe ukuguquguquka kwemizwelo. Kepha ngiyaqonda ukuthi uyingane engaqondakali. Ungumuntu ongene ngaphakathi, ogxile emicabangweni yakhe futhi uthanda ukuxoxa ngemizwa yakhe nami, hhayi nobaba. Kepha akukho ukudana. Angiboni okunjengayo. Ngingathi ujabule impela.

UDkt N. Kuhle. Asikhulume ngobungani bukaBrian nabafana. Ngabe uqhuba kanjani nalokhu?

Umama: Usakhathazekile ngabangane nangobudlelwano. Selokhu sahlangana, ukusiza uBrian, ngaba ngumholi wama-scouts, okwenze kwaba lula ukumema iqembu labafana abayishumi endlini okungenani kanye ngesonto.

UDkt N. Ngabe ukwenzile ngempela?

Umama: Yebo, futhi ngiyaqhubeka kuze kube namuhla, ngakho-ke endlini yethu kuhlala abafana.

UDkt N. Uyakhulumisana nabo?

Umama: Ekuqaleni, ngenkathi ngiqala ukuhola iqembu le-Scout yeBoy Sco, cha, kepha manje sengikhuluma. Ngiqale ukumhola lapho eseneminyaka eyisishiyagalombili kuphela, futhi kufanele ngithi, wayengumuntu omncane wasendle. Manje akekho eqenjini lami, kodwa uyangisiza ngisebenzelana nabanye abafana abalishumi abeza kithi, futhi uzizwa ekhululekile.

Kepha ngibona izakhiwo zakhe eziphathelene nokudumile. Kule minyaka embalwa edlule, ubelokhu ezama kanzima ukwenza abangane esikoleni. Wagijimela ekhaya ejabule wathi: “Nginomngane omusha!” Abanye abafana bahlala bemshayela ucingo, futhi uthisha uthi uthandwa kakhulu esikoleni. Kepha kubonakala sengathi usakuthola kunzima ukukholelwa.

Ngonyaka odlule esikoleni, samthumela esigabeni sebhola futhi wayizonda ibhola. Ngakho-ke simyeke amise amakilasi. Kepha muva nje ubuze ukuthi angayidlala yini ithenisi futhi ajoyine iqembu le-tennis. Simtshele "kunjalo." Waqale wacela into enje. Kepha angifuni ukusho ukuthi akafani nhlobo. Akanaso isimo se-girlish emzimbeni wakhe nhlobo.

UDkt N. Yebo, singasho ukuthi inqubekela phambili iyabonakala. Kuthiwani ngomsindo kanye nokuqhuma kwentukuthelo uBrian ayenayo ngaphambili?

Umama: Lezo zigigaba? Konke kudlulile.

UDkt N. Konke sekuphelile ...

Umama: Kwakuyisikhathi esibi sempilo yami, iminyaka emibi emine. Ngifunda amanothi ami enziwe ngaleso sikhathi, angikholwa ukuthi sesihambe ibanga elingakanani. Umndeni wethu wawunesiphithiphithi ngokuphelele. Futhi manje konke lokhu kuyinto yesikhathi esedlule.

UDkt N. Ngithola ukugcina idayari ilusizo kakhulu ukuze abazali bakwazi ukulandelela izinguquko. Njengoba siphila osukwini lwamanje, isithombe esikhulu asisifumani. Ukugcina idayari kunikeza abazali ithuba lokubona imiphumela yemizamo yabo.

Umama: Lokhu kuyiqiniso. Ngikhumbula isikhathi sokuphila kwami ​​noBrian lapho wayeneminyaka emibili kuya kwayisithupha, ngingasho ngokweqiniso ukuthi: kwakukubi impela. Angikwazanga ngisho nokuphupha ukuthi ngolunye usuku ayoba ejwayelekile njengamanje. Kuliqiniso, bengingathembi ukuthi uzokwazi ukuhlangana emphakathini nokunye.

UDkt N. Ngabe ubaba uyaqhubeka nokusiza?

Umama: Yebo, ngisaqhubeka nokumshaya lapho ekhohlwa. UBill uyakhohlwa, kepha uma ngimkhumbuza, akathukuthele ngoba uyazi ukuthi lokhu kubalulekile.

UDkt N. Ngabe uvame ukulungisa uBrian?

Umama: Hhayi kaningi njengoba, ngombono wami, kunesidingo, mina noBill besivele sithuka ngalokhu.

UDkt N. Kepha uBill akaboni ukubonakaliswa kwemikhuba oyibonayo? Noma ubona kodwa angaboni ukuxhumana phakathi kwabo nokuzibandakanya kwakhe empilweni kaBrian?

Umama: Kuphela uma kulungile ngaphansi kwekhala lakhe futhi kusobala kakhulu.

UDkt N. Ngabe uBrian uyamthola uyise?

Umama: Yebo Ngibona ukuthi uvuleleke kakhulu nobaba ngemuva kokuchitha isikhathi bendawonye. Ngamanye amazwi, uma uBill noBrian bechitha isikhathi ndawonye, ​​uBrian unamathela kuye. Sobabili siyakubona.

UDkt N. Lokhu kujwayelekile. UBrian unesithombe esingesihle sikayise nobudoda bakhe, asenza samuntu. Kepha ngemuva kokukhulumisana okufudumele nobaba, isithombe sangaphakathi sikababa “omubi” noma “ongasho lutho” sithathelwa indawo ngu “baba omuhle”. Amava akhe aqondile angena engqubuzaneni nesithombe esifihliwe ku-subconscious.

Umama: Ngitshela uBill ukuthi ufana “nomjovo” kuBrian. Awukwazi ukusho ngokunembile. UBill unaka uBrian “umjovo” wokunakwa, futhi izinsuku ezimbili noma ezintathu uBrian akamshiyi uyise. Kepha-ke, uma uBill enza amandla ukunaka kwakhe, kuyadlula. Manje uBrian akasadingi imijovo engaka, kwanele ukuba atholwe nsuku zonke ehlombe, emgona entanyeni. Kuwo lowo moya.

UDkt N. Kwesokudla Lokhu kwenzeka impela. Futhi uyakubona ukuxhumana okukhona phakathi kokuziphatha okulinganiselwe nomjovo wokunaka nobaba bothando?

Umama: Yebo, kakhulu. Njengomlingo. Kunzima ukuchaza omunye umuntu lokhu.

URicky: ukujwayela ubudoda

URicky oneminyaka eyisishiyagalolunye wenze intuthuko ebonakalayo kule minyaka embalwa edlule. Uyise uyaqhubeka nokuzibandakanya ngenkuthalo, uRicky unobudlelwano obuhle nomfowabo, futhi uyakuqonda kahle umehluko wobulili.

UDkt N. Nksk Smith, ucabanga ukuthi ubufazi bukaRichee sebunciphile ukusuka kulokhu obukade bukhona?

Umama: Unembile. Ngingasho ukuthi amaphesenti ambalwa asele kule nkinga.

UDkt N. Ingabe uyihlo waba nengxenye empilweni kaRicky?

Umama: Yebo.

UDkt N. Akakholwanga kulokhu?

Umama: Cha. Waba nesibopho ngokwengeziwe. Uma ngezinye izikhathi ekhohlwa, ubamba ngokushesha. Kuyafaneleka ukusikisela, futhi ngokushesha ushintsha indlela aziphatha ngayo. Wayejwayele ukuxoxa ngeze, ebalekela umthwalo wemfanelo. Kepha manje umyeni wami ukhathazeka noma nini lapho ekhohlwa ngoRicky, noma abone imibono yami ngaphandle kwenkinga.

UDkt N. Lokhu kubaluleke kakhulu. Uyazi, ngisebenza nabazali abaningi, futhi omama bahlala benomdlandla ngokwengeziwe. Iningi labobaba lidinga ukukhuthazeka ukubamba iqhaza. Futhi amadodana aphumelela kakhudlwana njalo yilawo obaba abahileleke ngempela.

Kanjani ukuzethemba kwakhe? Ngabe uRicky uzizwa engcono?

Umama: Kunzima ukusho, ngoba asizange sihlangabezane nezinkinga. Ngingasho nje ukuthi indlela yokuziphatha nobuntu besifazane yinto yesikhathi esedlule. Saqala ukumjwayela ezifundweni zamadoda, manje sesimthatha sayokubhukuda. Uyithanda impela, futhi umfowabo omdala naye ubhukuda. Lokhu kuyathakazelisa ngoba angithandi ukubhukuda, futhi i-baseball angiyithandi. Eqinisweni, angikwazi ukuma i-baseball! Kepha uyibuka nomfowabo ku-TV, futhi bayagula.

UDkt N. Uyise uyayithanda i-baseball?

Umama: Akunjalo ngempela.

UDkt N. Okusho ukuthi, laba bafowethu bobabili babuke i-baseball.

Umama: Abafana babukela i-baseball futhi ngandlela thile bayakwazi ukwenza imisebenzi yabo yasekhaya yezibalo phakathi kwezinto. Angazi ukuthi bakwenza kanjani. Bafunda ndawonye: bahlala etafuleni lasekhishini, umyeni wami ufunda eyakhe, uRicky ufunda eyakhe.

UDkt N. Ungasho ukuthi usevuthiwe?

Umama: Mhlawumbe. Wayejwayele ukuziphatha ngokwengane. Kuningi okushintshile. Namuhla ekuseni bengisesifundweni esivulekile. Wayengafani neze nabanye abantwana. Akazange azingene kwabanye, futhi wakhombisa ilukuluku, elalingakaze libe khona ngaphambili. Ufuna ukwazi, ufuna ukuqonda. Ngakho-ke ngicabanga ukuthi usevuthiwe. Kepha ngiyaxolisa ukuthi angibuboni ubungane obusondelene nabafana.

UDkt N. Kuthiwani ngokukhathazeka noma ukucindezeleka? Ngabe ubona okuthile okunje?

Umama: Kwesinye isikhathi uyadangala. Kepha lokhu akusikho lokho kudangala okuphelele lapho waziphonsa phezu kombhede wakhala. Lutho lolohlobo. Lokhu asisakuvumeli.

UDkt N. Ngabe ucindezelekile njengakuqala? Ingabe kuyadabukisa noma kuyahoxiswa?

Umama: Hhayi njengangaphambili. Uma lokhu kwenzeka, imvamisa akunasizathu. Ngenxa kothile noma okuthile okukhethekile. Manje usekhuluma ngakho.

UDkt N. Konke kuhamba kahle kumfowabo?

Umama: Ubuhlobo babo sebethuthukile. Bahamba bebhukuda ndawonye futhi bachitha isikhathi esiningi bendawonye. Zonke izinsuku baziqeqesha ndawonye echibini lethu. Ngezinye izikhathi uJohn angacasule futhi ahlukumeze uRicky. Kepha uJohn usekhule ngokwanele, ngakho-ke ngiyakwazi ukumtshela indlela aziphatha ngayo, futhi uyakuqonda ukuthi kumele aziphathe ngendlela ehlukile nomfowabo.

UDkt N. Ingabe uRicky uyoke akhulume ngokuba umfana? Ngabe ukhuluma ngomehluko phakathi kwabafana namantombazane?

Umama: Yebo, ngokwesibonelo, ukubhukuda. Izolo nje, basondele kimi ekilabhini bangibuza ukuthi ngizoyinika yini indodakazi yami uSue ngokubhukuda. URick ushaye ikhwela wathi, "Cha, ukubhukuda akuyona eyakhe." Ngabuza: “Kungani, Ricky?” Yathi: “Uyintombazane. Angifuni ukuthi ahambe ayobhukuda nathi. ”

UPhilip: ukhula ekuziqondeni ngokwesekwa nguyise

Ubaba kaPhilip, uJulio, wayesedolobheni lakubo wayengumqeqeshi webhola lezikole odumile. Kunabafana abane emndenini wabo, abazali banamathela kumanani aqinile obuKatolika. UPhilip wayehlala umfana othambile; kusukela esemncane kakhulu wakhula ethulile, egcina, futhi egcina kude nabafowabo. Lapho eneminyaka eyishumi nanye, wayengakaze abathole abangane beqiniso esikoleni, wayeyithanda kakhulu imidlalo yaseshashalazini futhi enza ngayo.

Lapho uPhilip efunda esikoleni esiphakeme, wayengahlangene kakhulu, imvamisa ecindezelekile. Unina wamthola elanda i-gay porn kwi-Intanethi futhi wenza isivumelwano nami.

UJulio wayewathanda wonke amadodana akhe, kodwa umsebenzi wakhe, ngenxa yokuthi wayevame ukunyamalala kusihlwa futhi ngezimpelasonto emidlalweni yebhola nokuqeqeshwa, akamvumanga ukuba sekhaya kakhulu. Amanye amadodana amathathu kaJulio alandela ezinyathelweni zikayise, ngakho-ke ayehlala enkampanini yakhe, kepha uFiliphu, izinhloso zakhe ezazikude nemidlalo, wayeseceleni. Impumelelo yendawo kayise njengomqeqeshi yaphakamisa ibha emndenini wayo omkhulu, onobukhazikhazi onamalume amaningi nomzala, futhi kwakulindelekile ukuthi amadodana akhe, kuhlanganise noPhilip, ahlangabezane naleli zinga eliphakeme.

Ngemuva kweminyaka emithathu yokwelashwa, ikakhulukazi ngenxa yemizamo kayise, uPhilip wathuthuka kakhulu. Wayeneminyaka eyishumi nesishiyagalombili, futhi wayevele esekolishi. Nansi ingxoxo yethu naye.

UDkt N. Filiphu, unjani manje ngobungane besilisa?

UFiliphu: Kungcono kakhulu.

UDkt N. Yini eguqukile?

UFiliphu: Ngicabanga ukuthi bengingaqonda: sonke lesi sikhathi enginaso kwaba ubungani besilisa, kepha angizange ngivume ukukukholelwa.

UDkt N. Angikuvumelanga?

UFiliphu: Kepha-ke, angizange ngiqonde ukuthi buyini ubungani besilisa. Bengilindele imizwa ethe xaxa kuye. Futhi nganginombono ophansi kunami. Manje ngiyaqonda ukuthi bengilokhu nginabo ubungane besilisa, kepha angizange ngivume ukukukholelwa lokhu.

Ngenxa yezidingo zakhe ezingokomzwelo nokuzihlukanisa yedwa, uFiliphu wabeka okulindelwe okungenangqondo kubangane besilisa. Ubelindele kusuka eduze kwakhe okungenamibandela, okuhambisana nemizwa yakhe yokuthi, njengendoda, ayifezi izidingo ezamukelwa ngokuvamile. Ukwazile ukuvuma ukuthi wayenabangani abahle futhi bebevulelekile kuye, kepha ukuthembela okujulile ngokomzwelo nokuthanda abanye abantu, futhi ikakhulukazi i-eroticism, akuhlukile kubungani besilisa obunempilo.

UFiliphu: Uma ngibheka emuva, ngiyabona ukuthi kunabafana abaseduze kwami, kepha mina uqobo ngangibacashele. Kepha ngaleso sikhathi angizange ngiwabone la mathuba. Bengingakulungele ukubabona.

UDkt N. Wawuwedwa ngoba ubuhlala ucabanga ukuthi: lo mfo awusoze waba ngumngane wami.

Ukwesaba ukwenqatshwa nokuzizwa engelutho kwamphoqa ukuthi aye emnyangweni wokuvikela.

UFiliphu: Ngangizizwa sengathi ngihlukile kwabanye abafana. Angazi ... Indlela engangikhuluma ngayo, amahlaya ami, ayehluke kakhulu, ngakho kwabonakala kimi.

UDkt N. Ngabe uzizwa njengomunye wabo manje?

UFiliphu: Nakanjani.

UDkt N. Uzibonaphi wena, uthi, eminyakeni eyishumi? Wake wazicabanga ngekusasa njengengxenye yezwe lesitabane?

UFiliphu: Angikaze ngibe ngeyami endaweni yezitabane. Ngiyazi ukuthi angizalwanga ngiyisitabane. Ngibabuka njengabantu abangeneme abakholwa ngokweqiniso ukuthi abanakho ukuzikhethela. Ngakho-ke, ngiyabazwela.

UDkt N. Lokho wukuthi, akusikho kuwe?

UFiliphu: Kwesokudla Kunoma ikuphi, izimiso zami zokuziphatha zazingangivumeli ukuba ngenze lokhu.

UDkt N. Ungalichaza kanjani ithemba lakho lokuphila?

UFiliphu: Kungcono kakhulu. Ngiyazi ukuthi nginenhloso okufanele ngiyifeze, umsebenzi okufanele uxazululwe. Ngibheke ikusasa ngethemba, yize ngiyazi ukuthi kuzoba yinde.

UDkt N. Lunjani - ubudlelwane bakho nobaba wakho bunganjani?

UFiliphu: Mina nobaba sesisondelene kakhulu kuleminyaka emihlanu edlule.

Izincomo eziya kubazali

Mhlawumbe manje usungabona okungcono okudingwa ngumntanakho, futhi uthathe isinqumo sokungenelela futhi ulungise indlela aziphatha ngayo ukuze ihambisane kakhulu nobulili. Ukufingqa ukubuka kwethu kafushane kwenqubo yokwelashwa, sizobeka izimiso ezine ezibalulekile ongazithola zilusizo:

I-1. Ukufinyelela ekuziphatheni okwanele kobulili futhi uqinise ingane, khumbula njalo: ukudumisa kusebenza kakhulu kunokujeziswa. Uma ufuna ukususa isimilo sowesifazane ngokweqile (kanye nokwentombazane - ihaba ngokwedlulele), kusebenza kakhulu ukuveza ukungamukeleki kwakho njalo nangokucacile, kepha ukugwema izindlela zokujezisa. Ngamanye amazwi, lungisa ingane ngobumnene, kepha ungayenzi. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, uma ubheka indlela yokuziphatha engafanele ubulili ngeminwe yakho noma umsola ngokunganaki, ingane inomqondo ongamanga wokuthi konke kujwayelekile.

I-2. Uma unomuzwa wokuthi ufaka ingcindezi enkulu enganeni yakho, thambisa izidingo zakho. Yiba nesineke. Dumisa ngisho nemizamo emincane. Kungcono funa okuncane kepha ngokungaguquguquki, the more, kodwa ngokungahambi kahle.

I-3. Uma ithuba linjalo, sebenza nomelaphi olwethembayo. Lochwepheshe kufanele abelane ngemibono yakho ngobulili nezinhloso zokwelapha, akusize ngokuhlola okungakhethi kwezenzo nezeluleko zakho.

I-4. Khumbula ukuthi indodana noma indodakazi yakho ngeke izizwe iphephile, yenqaba ukuziphatha kobulili obuhlukile, uma kungekho muntu osondelene nobulili babo eduze kwabo ongasebenza njengesibonelo esihle ekubonisweni kobulili obufanele. Ingane kudingeka ibe phambi kwamehlo ayo isibonelo sokuba yindoda noma ngowesifazane - ekhangayo futhi efiselekayo.

Ngicabanga ukuthi uzovuma ukuthi impumelelo enkulu itholakele empilweni yalowo nalowo wabafana onezinkinga ezijwayelekile zobulili izindaba zakhe ezikhulunywe ngenhla. Yize kudingekile ukuqhubeka nokusebenza kwezinye izindawo, abazali engibagade ngaphambi kokuqeda ukwelashwa basazoqhubeka nokuqhubekisela phambili ukuvuthwa kwamadodana abo.

Esahlukweni esilandelayo, uzofunda ngezinye izingane ezinabazali abaqhubeke nokuzikhandla ekuzihlonipheni kwabo ngokobulili. Uzothola ukuthi badlula kuphi, babhekana kanjani nobunzima nokuthi yimiphi imiphumela abayitholile.

UJoseph Nicolosi, I-PhD, umongameli we-American National Association for the Study and Therapy of Ubungqingili (NARTH), umqondisi wemitholampilo weThomas Aquinas Psychological Clinic e-Enchino, eCalifornia. Ungumbhali wezincwadi ezithi Reparative Therapy of Male Hom ushoga (Aronson, 1991) kanye ne-Case of Reparative Therapy: I-Aronson, 1993.

Linda Ames Nicolosi Ungumqondisi kwezokushicilelwa e-NARTH, usebenze nowakwakhe kumaphrojekthi wakhe wokuphrinta iminyaka engaphezu kwamashumi amabili.

Okuthuthukisiwe

Ngingakwazi ukushintsha indlela yami yokuya ocansini?