Igayidi yokwelashwa kobungqingili esekwe eminyakeni engamashumi amathathu yokuhlangenwe nakho kokwelashwa kombhali osebenzisane namakhasimende angongqingili angaphezu kwe-300.

Nginikezela le ncwadi kwabesifazane nabesilisa abahlukunyezwa imizwa yobungqingili, kepha abafuni ukuphila njengama-gay futhi badinga usizo nokwesekwa okwakhayo.

Labo abakhohliwe, abanezwi labo elisungisiwe, futhi abangazitholi izimpendulo emphakathini wethu, elihlonipha ilungelo lokuziqinisa lodwa lesitabane esivulekile.

Labo abacwaswa uma becabanga noma benomuzwa wokuthi umbono wobungqingili obungenakuguqulwa ungamanga alusizi, futhi lokhu akusikho okwabo.

Isingeniso

Le ncwadi iyisiqondisi sokwelapha, noma kunalokho, ukuzelapha kobungqingili. Kuhloselwe abantu abathandana nobungqingili abangafuna ukushintsha "isimo" sabo, kepha abanalo ithuba lokuxhumana nochwepheshe oyoqonda kahle umbuzo. Bambalwa impela ochwepheshe abanjalo. Isizathu esikhulu salokhu ukuthi emanyuvesi lesi sihloko seqiwe noma asinakwa ngokuphelele, futhi uma kukhulunywa ngaso, kungaphakathi kohlaka lomqondo "wokujwayelekile": ubungqingili kuleli cala kumane nje kuyindlela evamile yezocansi. Ngakho-ke, bambalwa kakhulu odokotela, izazi zokusebenza kwengqondo nabelaphi emhlabeni abanolwazi okungenani oluyisisekelo kule ndawo.

Umsebenzi wokuzimela uhamba phambili kunoma yiluphi uhlobo lokuphathwa kobungqingili; kodwa-ke, lokhu akusho ukuthi umuntu angenza ngokuphelele ngaphandle kosizo lwangaphandle. Noma imuphi umuntu ofisa ukunqoba izinkinga zakhe ezingokomzwelo udinga umeluleki oqondayo nosekelayo abangakhuluma naye ngokukhululeka, ongabasiza ukuthi babone izinto ezibalulekile empilweni yabo engokomzwelo kanye nezisusa zabo, kanye nokubaqondisa emzabalazweni nabo uqobo. Umeluleki onjalo akudingeki ukuthi abe nguchwepheshe ochwepheshe, yize kungcono ukuthi kube (inqobo nje uma enombono ophusile ngokobulili nokuziphatha, uma kungenjalo angenza okubi kunokuhle). Kwezinye izimo, le ndima ingadlalwa udokotela noma umalusi onesifo sengqondo esilinganiselayo, esinempilo nekhono lokuzwelana. Uma engekho lowo onjalo, kunconywa umngane noma isihlobo esinakile futhi esinempilo enhle ngokomqondo.

Mayelana nalokhu okungenhla, lencwadi ihloselwe, phakathi kokunye, ukwelashwa nabo bonke ababhekana nabangqingili abafuna ukushintsha, ngoba ukuze babe umeluleki, badinga nolwazi oluyisisekelo ngobungqingili.

Umbono ngokuqonda kanye (nokuzizwa) ngokwelashwa kobungqingili obunikezwe umfundi kulo msebenzi kwaba umphumela weminyaka engaphezu kwamashumi amathathu wokucwaninga nokwelashwa kwamakhasimende angaphezu kwamakhulu amathathu, engijwayele mathupha iminyaka eminingi, kanye nokwazana nabanye abantu abathandana nobungqingili. abantu (bobabili "bezokwelapha" kanye "nabangewona umtholampilo", okungukuthi, oguqulwe ngokomphakathi). Mayelana nokuhlolwa kwengqondo, ubudlelwane bemindeni, ubudlelwane nabazali kanye nokuzivumelanisa nezimo zezenhlalo ebuntwaneni, ngincoma ukubhekisa ezincwadini zami ezimbili ezedlule, i-The Origin and Treatment ofungqingili, i-1986, (ebhalelwe odokotela), ukujulisa ukuqonda kulezi zindaba. Ubungqingili neThemba, 1985

Inhlanhla, noma isifiso sokushintsha

Uma kungekho ukuzimisela okuqinile, intando, noma "intando enhle," akukho shintsho olunokwenzeka. Ezimweni eziningi, phambi kwenhloso enjalo, isimo sithuthuka kakhulu, kwezinye izimo, ushintsho lwangaphakathi olujulile lwazo zonke izinzwa ze-neurotic lwenzeka, luhambisana nokushintshana kokuthandwayo kwezocansi.

Kepha ngubani onakho, ingabe kuyisifiso esihle ukushintsha? Iningi labantu abathandana nobulili obufanayo, kubandakanya nalabo abaziveza obala ngokuthi "bayizitabane," basenesifiso sokujwayelekile - yikho nje ukuthi kuyacindezelwa. Kodwa-ke, bambalwa kakhulu abalwela ushintsho ngokungaguquguquki nokuphikelela, hhayi nje ngokwenza ngokuvumelana nemizwa yabo. Ngisho nalabo abazimisele ukulwa nobungqingili babo bavame ukuzitika ngasese ngemuva kwezifiso zobungqingili eziyengayo. Ngakho-ke, iningi, isifiso esihle sihlala sibuthakathaka; ngaphezu kwalokho, kulinyazwa kakhulu izingcingo zomphakathi zokuthi "wamukele ubungqingili bakho".

Ukuze ulondoloze ukuzimisela, kuyadingeka ukuzakhela ngaphakathi kwakho abagqugquzeli abanjengo:

• umbono ocacile wobungqingili njengento engeyona eyemvelo;

• izinkolelo ezizwakalayo zokuziphatha kanye / noma zenkolo;

• endabeni yomshado - isifiso sokwenza ubudlelwano basemshadweni obukhona (ukuxhumana ngokuhlanganyela, njll. - okubalulekile emshadweni ngaphandle kocansi).

Ukuba nesisusa esijwayelekile akufani nokuzishaya isifuba, ukuzizonda, noma ukuvumelana namahloni nemithetho yokuziphatha ngesisekelo sokuthi kunqunywe ngumphakathi noma inkolo. Esikhundleni salokho, kusho ukuba nomuzwa opholile futhi oqinile wokuthi ubungqingili abuhambisani nokukhula kwengqondo kanye / noma ubumsulwa bokuziphatha, ngezimo zikanembeza nokuziphendulela phambi kukaNkulunkulu. Ngakho-ke, ngomphumela ophumelelayo wokwelashwa, ukuqiniswa okuqhubekayo kokuzimisela komuntu siqu ukulwa nohlangothi lobungqingili lobuntu bakhe kuyadingeka.

Imiphumela

Kuyaqondakala impela ukuthi iningi lalabo abafuna ukuphulukiswa ebufanasini, nakwabanye abantu abanentshisekelo bafuna ukwazi "iphesenti labantu abaphulukisiwe". Kodwa-ke, izibalo ezilula azanele ukuqoqa imininingwane ephelele yokwahlulela okulinganiselayo. Ngokwesipiliyoni sami, amaphesenti ayi-10 kuye kwayi-15 alabo abaqala ukwelashwa bazuza ukuphulukiswa "okunamandla" (ama-30% ayeke ukwelashwa ezinyangeni ezimbalwa). Lokhu kusho ukuthi ngemuva kweminyaka ngemuva kokuphela kokwelashwa, imizwa yobungqingili ayibuyeli kubo, banethezekile ebungqingili babo bobulili obufanayo - izinguquko zijula ​​lokhu ngokuhamba kwesikhathi; ekugcineni, umbandela wesithathu futhi obaluleke kakhulu woshintsho "olukhulu" ukuthi benza inqubekela phambili enkulu ngokomzwelo jikelele nokuvuthwa. Isici sokugcina sibaluleke kakhulu, ngoba ubungqingili akuyona nje "intandokazi", kepha ukubonakaliswa kobuntu obuthile be-neurotic. Isibonelo, ngibone amacala amaningana wokushintshwa okusheshayo nokumangazayo kokuthandwa kobungqingili kwabobulili obufanayo ezigulini ezine-paranoia eyayifihliwe ngaphambili. Lawa amacala okushintshwa kweqiniso "kwezimpawu" okusinikeza ukuqonda ngeqiniso lomtholampilo lokuthi ubungqingili bungaphezu kokuphazamiseka kokusebenza kwezocansi.

Iningi lalabo abajwayela ukusebenzisa izindlela okuxoxwe ngazo lapha banokuthuthuka kwangempela ngemuva kweminyaka embalwa (ngokwesilinganiso kusuka eminyakeni emithathu kuya kwemihlanu) yokwelashwa. Izifiso zabo nemibono yobungqingili buthaka noma kunyamalale, ubungqingili buzibonakalisa ngokwabo noma kuthuthukiswa kakhulu, kanti nezinga le-neurotization liyancipha. Abanye (kodwa hhayi bonke), noma kunjalo, ngezikhathi ezithile bahlangabezana nokuphinda babuye (ngenxa yokuxineka, ngokwesibonelo), futhi babuyela emcabangweni wabo wakudala wobungqingili; kodwa, uma beqhubeka kabusha emzabalazweni, kudlula maduze.

Lesi sithombe sinethemba elikhulu ukwedlula lelo izishoshovu zezitabane ezizama ukuzethula kithina, esivikela izintshisekelo zazo ekuthuthukiseni umbono wokungaguquki kobungqingili. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, ukuthola impumelelo akulula njengoba abanye abathanda izitabane zangaphambili bethi kwesinye isikhathi bafuna. Okokuqala, inqubo yoshintsho ivame ukuthatha okungenani iminyaka emithathu kuya kwemihlanu, ngaphandle kwayo yonke inqubekela phambili eyenziwe ngesikhathi esifushane. Ngaphezu kwalokho, lezo zinguquko zidinga ukukhuthazela, ukulungela ukwaneliswa yizinyathelo ezincane, ukunqoba okuncane empilweni yansuku zonke esikhundleni sokulinda ukwelashwa okusheshayo. Imiphumela yenqubo yoshintsho ayidumazi lapho sibona ukuthi umuntu ophethwe (ngokwakhe) ukwelashwa uvuselelwa kabusha noma afundise kabusha ubuntu bakhe obungashintshiwe futhi obungamdala. Akudingeki futhi ucabange ukuthi akufanele uzame ngisho nokuzama ukuqala ukwelashwa uma umphumela wazo kungewona ukushabalala okuphelele kwako konke ukuthambekela kobungqingili. Ngokuphambene nalokho, umuntu ongqingili angazuza kuphela kule nqubo: ukuzitika ngocansi kuyanyamalala cishe kuzo zonke izimo, futhi uqala ukuzizwa ejabule futhi aphile kangcono ngesimo sakhe esisha futhi, impela, indlela yokuphila. Phakathi kokuphulukiswa okuphelele futhi, ngakolunye uhlangothi, inqubekelaphambili encane noma yesikhashana kuphela (ku-20% yalabo abaqhubeka nokwelashwa) kukhona ukuqhubeka okukhulu kwezinguquko ezinhle. Kunoma ikuphi, ngisho nalabo abenze intuthuko encane kakhulu ekuthuthukiseni isimo sabo bavame ukunciphisa imingcele ekuxhumaneni nabo bobungqingili, okungathathwa njengokutholwa kokubili ngomqondo wokuziphatha nangokomqondo wempilo yasemzimbeni, bekhumbula ubhubhane lwe-AIDS. (Imininingwane ngezifo ezithathelwana ngocansi kanye namathemba abantu abathandana nobungqingili kungaphezu kokuthusa).

Ngamafuphi, esimweni sobungqingili, sibhekene nento efanayo nakwezinye izinzwa: i-phobias, i-obsessions, i-depression noma i-anomalies ngokocansi. Into enengqondo kunazo zonke ukwenza okuthile okuphikisana nalokhu, ngaphandle kokusetshenziswa kwamandla amakhulu nokushiya izinjabulo nokukhohlisa. Ongqingili abaningi bayakwazi lokhu, kepha ngenxa yokwenqena ukubona okusobala, bazama ukuziqinisekisa ukuthi ukuthambekela kwabo kujwayelekile, futhi bayathukuthela lapho bebhekene nosongo ephusheni labo noma beqa iqiniso. Bathanda ukwenza ihaba ngobunzima bokwelashwa futhi, kunjalo, bahlala bengaziboni izinzuzo ezilethwa ngisho noshintsho oluncane kakhulu lokuhle. Kepha abantu bayakwenqaba ukwelashwa kwesifo samathambo noma umdlavuza, yize lezi zindlela zokwelapha zingaholeli ekuphulukisweni okuphelele kwazo zonke izigaba zeziguli?

Impumelelo yenhlangano yangaphambili yezitabane nezinye izindlela zokwelapha

Enhlanganweni ekhulayo yezitabane, umuntu angahlangana nenani elikhulayo lalabo abaye basithuthukisa kakhulu isimo sabo noma balulama. Ekusebenzeni kwabo, la maqembu nezinhlangano zisebenzisa ingxubevange yezengqondo nezinkambiso zobuKristu nezindlela, zinaka kakhulu udaba lomzabalazo wangaphakathi. Isiguli esingumKristu sinethuba lokwelashwa, ngoba ukukholwa yiZwi likaNkulunkulu elingashintshiwe kumnikeza inkambiso efanelekile empilweni, kuqinisa intando yakhe ekuphikiseni uhlangothi olubi lobuntu bakhe futhi alwele ukuhlanzeka kokuziphatha. Naphezu kokungahambisani okuthile, (ngokwesibonelo, kwesinye isikhathi ukuthambekela ngokweqile nokuthambekele ngandlela thile “kokufakaza” futhi silindele “isimangaliso” esilula), le nhlangano yobuKristu inokuthile esingakufunda (noma kunjalo, lesi sifundo singafundwa ngokuzibandakanya ngasese) . Ngiqonde lokho ukwelashwa kobungqingili kufanele kubhekane ngasikhathi sinye nokusebenza kwengqondo, ingokomoya nokuziphatha - ngezinga elikhulu kakhulu kunokwelashwa kwezinye izinzwa eziningi. Esebenzisa imizamo engokomoya, umuntu ufunda ukulalela izwi likanembeza, elimtshela ngokungahambisani kwendlela yokuphila yobungqingili zombili nezwe lomhlaba wangempela emicabangweni nangenkolo yangempela. Abantu abaningi abathandana nobulili obufanayo bazama konke okusemandleni abo ukuvumelanisa okungahambelani futhi bacabange ukuthi bangaba ngamakholwa futhi baphile impilo yobungqingili ngasikhathi sinye. Ubumbulu nokukhohlisa kwezifiso ezinjalo kusobala: kugcina ngokubuyela endleleni yokuphila yobungqingili nokukhohlwa kobuKristu, noma, ngenxa yokuxegisa unembeza, ukwakhiwa kwenguqulo yethu yobuKristu ehambisana nobungqingili. Ngokuqondene nokwelashwa kobungqingili, imiphumela emihle kakhulu ingatholakala ngokuthembela enhlanganisweni yezakhi zokomoya nezokuziphatha ngempumelelo ye-psychology.

Angifuni noma ngubani athole umbono wokuthi ngibukela phansi inani lezinye izindlela nezindlela njengoba bejwayela imibono yami ngobungqingili nokwelashwa kwabo. Kubonakala kimi ukuthi imibono nezindlela zokwelapha zesimanje zinokufana okuningi kunokuhluka. Ikakhulu, lokhu kuthinta umbono wobungqingili njengenkinga yobunikazi bobulili - lokhu kwabiwa cishe yiwo wonke umuntu. Ngaphezu kwalokho, izindlela zokwelapha ekusebenzeni zingahluka kakhulu kunalokho okubonakala uma kuqhathaniswa izincwadi zokufunda kuphela. Zidlula ngezindlela eziningi. Futhi ngibahlonipha kakhulu bonke engisebenza nabo abasebenza kulo mkhakha, bezama ukuxazulula izimfihlakalo zobungqingili nokusiza abanesifo ukuthola ubuwena.

Lapha ngiphakamisa ukuthi, ngombono wami, ukuhlanganiswa okungcono kakhulu kwemibono kanye nemibono ehlukahlukene lapho izindlela ezisebenza kahle kakhulu zokwelapha zizalwa khona. Lapho sikunemba ngokwengeziwe ukuqonda kwethu kanye neziphetho, iklayenti lethu elijule ngokwengeziwe lizokwazi ukuziqonda yena, futhi lokhu, kuthinta ngqo ukuthi angasithuthukisa kanjani isimo sakhe.

1. Buyini ubungqingili

Ukubuyekezwa okufushane kwengqondo

Ukuze umfundi enze umbono ocacile wokuthi yini ezoshiwo ngezansi, okokuqala siqokomisa izici ezihlukanisayo zesikhundla sethu.

1. Indlela yethu yokwenza isuselwa kumqondo wokuzidabukela ongazi lutho, futhi sibheka lesi sihawu njengento yokuqala nengqangi yobungqingili. Ubungqingili abukhethi ngamabomu ukuzidabukela, uma ngingasho njalo, khona-ke kuyazenzela, kukhiqize futhi kuqinise isimilo sakhe "sokufuna ukubona". Empeleni, ukukhangwa ngobungqingili, kanye nokuzizwa ubukela phansi ngokobulili, kukodwa nje kuyisibonakaliso sokuzidabukela. Lokhu kuqonda kuvumelana nemibono kanye nokuqashelwa kuka-Alfred Adler (1930, ubunzima bokuphansi kanye nesifiso sesinxephezelo njengokuhlawulwa kokubhekelwa phansi), i-psychoanalyst yase-Austro-American u-Edmund Bergler (1957, ubungqingili buthathwa njenge "masochism yengqondo") kanye nodokotela wezifo zengqondo waseDashi uJohan Arndt (1961, umqondo wethulwe. ukuzidabukela okuyimpoqo).

2. Ngenxa yobunzima bokubhekelwa phansi kobulili, isitabane sihlala "siyingane", "intsha" - lesi simo saziwa ngokuthi yi-infantilism. Lo mqondo kaFreudian wasetshenziswa ebungqingilini nguWilhelm Steckel (1922), ohambelana nomqondo wanamuhla "wengane engaphakathi kusukela esikhathini esedlule" (udokotela wezifo zengqondo wezingane waseMelika uMissldine, 1963, Harris, 1973, nabanye).

3. Isimo esithile sobuzali noma ubudlelwano phakathi kwengane nomzali bungabeka umkhondo ekukhuleni kwenkinga yokungabi nabungqingili; kodwa-ke, ukungamukelwa eqenjini labantu bobulili obufanayo kubaluleke kakhulu kunesici sokubekwa phambili. I-psychoanalysis yendabuko yehlisa noma yikuphi ukuphazamiseka ekukhuleni ngokomzwelo kanye ne-neurosis ebudlelwaneni obuphazamisekile phakathi kwengane nomzali. Ngaphandle kokuphika ukubaluleka okukhulu kobudlelwano phakathi komzali nengane, siyabona, noma kunjalo, ukuthi into enkulu yokunquma ukuzethemba kobulili kwentsha uma kuqhathaniswa nontanga yabo bobulili obufanayo. Kulokhu siqondana nabamele i-neo-psychoanalysis, njengoKaren Horney (1950) noJohan Arndt (1961), kanye nabazethembayo bokuzethemba, isibonelo, uKarl Rogers (1951) nabanye.

4. Ukwesaba abantu bobulili obuhlukile kuvamile (psychoanalysts Ferenczi, 1914, 1950; Fenichel 1945), kodwa hhayi imbangela enkulu yokuthambekela kobungqingili. Esikhundleni salokho, lokhu kwesaba kukhuluma ngezimpawu zokuzenyeza ngokobulili, okungashukunyiswa ngamalungu wobulili obuhlukile, okulindelwe ucansi isitabane esizibona singakwazi ukukufeza.

5. Ukulandela izifiso zobungqingili kuholela ekuluthekeni ngokocansi. Labo abalandela le ndlela babhekene nezinkinga ezimbili: okuyinkimbinkimbi yokwehliswa ngokobulili nokulutha kocansi okuzimele (okufana nesimo somuntu one-neurotic onenkinga yotshwala). Udokotela wezifo zengqondo waseMelika uLawrence J. Hatterer (1980) ubhale ngalesi sifo esibaxakile.

6. Ekwelashweni (ukuzenzela) ikhono lokuzihlekisa lidlala indima ekhethekile. Esihlokweni sokuzicika, u-Adler ubhale ukuthi, ku "hyperdramatization" - u-Arndt, imibono yomelaphi wokuziphatha uStamp (1967) mayelana "nokugxiliswa" kanye nodokotela wezifo zengqondo wase-Austrian uViktor Frankl (1975) mayelana "nenhloso eyindida" iyaziwa.

7. Ekugcineni, njengoba ukuheha kobungqingili kuvela ekugxileni ngokwakho noma ku "egophilia" wobuntu obungavuthiwe (leli gama lalethwa nguMurray, 1953), ukuzithiba / ukwelashwa kugxile ekutholeni lezo zimfanelo zomhlaba wonke nezokuziphatha ezisusa lokhu kuhlushwa nokwanda ikhono lokuthanda abanye.

Ukungajwayelekile

Ngokusobala, iningi labantu lisakholelwa ukuthi ubungqingili, okungukuthi, ukukhanga ngokobulili kumalungu wobulili obufanayo, kuhlangene nokwehla okukhulu kokuheha abobulili obuhlukile, akujwayelekile. Ngithi "namanje" ngoba muva nje sibhekane nenkulumo-ze esebenzayo yokuthi "okujwayelekile" yiziwula ezingazi lutho nezibandakanya ipolitiki kanye nomkhakha wezenhlalo olawula abezindaba, ezombusazwe kanye nengxenye enkulu yomhlaba wezemfundo. Ngokungafani nabantu abasezingeni eliphakeme, iningi labantu abavamile alikakalahlekelwa ukuqonda kwabo, yize bephoqeleka ukwamukela izindlela zenhlalo ezinikezwa ongqingili abakhululiwe ngemibono yabo "yamalungelo alinganayo". Abantu abajwayelekile abakwazi ukuzibamba kodwa babone ukuthi kukhona okungahambi kahle ngalabo bantu okuthi, njengabesilisa nabesifazane ngokomzimba, bangazizwa beheheka ezintweni zemvelo zesifiso sobulili. Embuzweni odidayo wabaningi, kungenzeka kanjani ukuthi "abantu abafundile" bangakholelwa ukuthi ubungqingili bujwayelekile, mhlawumbe impendulo engcono kungaba yisitatimende sikaGeorge Orwell sokuthi kunezinto emhlabeni "eziwubuwula kangangokuthi yizihlakaniphi kuphela ezingakholelwa kuzo. " Lesi simo asisisha: ososayensi abaningi abaziwayo eJalimane ngawo-30 baqala "ukukholelwa" emcabangweni wobandlululo "olungile". Isimo somhlambi, ubuthakathaka, kanye nesifiso esibuhlungu sokuthi "bangabakho" kubenza badele ukwahlulela ngokuzimela.

Uma umuntu elambile, kepha ezingeni lemizwa ngokuthuthumela enqaba ukudla, sithi uphethwe yisifo - i-anorexia. Uma othile engazizwa ezwelana nokubona kwalabo abahluphekayo, noma, okubi kakhulu, uyakujabulela, kepha ngasikhathi sinye abe nemizwa lapho ebona ikati elilahliwe, sikubona lokhu njengokuphazamiseka kwemizwa, ukuphazamiseka kwengqondo. Njll Kodwa-ke, lapho umuntu omdala engavuselwa inkanuko ngamalungu wobulili obuhlukile, futhi ngasikhathi sinye efuna ngokweqile abalingani bobulili obufanayo, ukwephulwa okunjalo kwesifiso sobulili kubhekwa "njengokunempilo." Mhlawumbe i-pedophilia ijwayelekile, njengoba abameli bayo sebevele bememezela? Futhi umbukiso? I-Gerontophilia (ukuheha asebekhulile ngokungabikho kobungqingili obujwayelekile), i-fetishism (ukuvusa ucansi lapho ubona isicathulo sowesifazane ngokunganaki umzimba wesifazane), i-voyeurism? Ngizoshiya eceleni okungajwayelekile kepha ngenhlanhla ukwehluka okuncane kakhulu.

Ongqingili abanobungqingili bazama ukusunduza umbono wokujwayeleka kwabo ngokuzenza izisulu zokubandlululwa, beheha imizwa yozwela, ubulungiswa kanye nethuku lokuvikela ababuthakathaka, esikhundleni sokukholisa ngobufakazi obunengqondo. Lokhu kukhombisa ukuthi bayabazi ubuthakathaka obunengqondo besikhundla sabo, futhi bazama ukunxephezela lokhu ngokushumayela ngentshiseko nangokomzwelo. Ingxoxo eyiqiniso ngalolu hlobo lwabantu cishe ayinakwenzeka, ngoba bayenqaba ukucabanga nganoma imuphi umbono ongahambelani nomqondo wabo wokujwayelekile. Kodwa-ke, ingabe ngokwabo bayakukholelwa lokhu ekujuleni kwezinhliziyo zabo?

"Abalwa" abanjalo bangaphumelela ukuzakhela i-aura yokufela ukholo - ngokwesibonelo, omama babo bavame ukukholelwa kuyo. Edolobheni laseJalimane, ngabona iqembu labazali abangongqingili lihlangene livikela "amalungelo" amadodana abo. Babengenalo nolaka ekucabangeni kwabo okungenangqondo kunamadodana abo. Abanye omama basebenza sengathi kukhona ophazamisa impilo yengane yabo abayithandayo, kanti bekuyindaba nje yokubona ubungqingili njengesimo sezinzwa.

Indima yezinqamuleli

Lapho umuntu eziveza njengommeleli wohlobo olukhethekile lwesintu (“Ngiwungqingili,” “Ngiyisitabane,” “Ngingongqingili”), ungena endleleni eyingozi ngokombono wengqondo - njengokungathi uyisitabane. ngokwehlukile kubantu abathanda ubulili obuhlukile. Yebo, ngemva kweminyaka eminingi yokuzabalaza nokukhathazeka, lokhu kungase kulethe impumuzo ethile, kodwa ngesikhathi esifanayo kuyindlela eholela ekunqotshweni. Umuntu oziveza njengongqingili uthatha indima yomuntu wangaphandle ngokuphelele. Lena indima yeqhawe elidabukisayo. Ukuzihlola okunengqondo nokunengqondo kungaba okuphambene ncamashi: “Nginalezi zifiso nezifiso, kodwa ngiyanqaba ukuvuma ukuthi “ngingungqingili” futhi ngiziphathe ngendlela efanele.

Vele, indima ibuyisa izinzuzo: kuyasiza ukuzizwa ungomunye wabantu abathandana nabobulili obufanayo, okwesikhashana kuqeda ukungezwani okuqubuka isidingo sokumelana nokuheha kongqingili, kunika ukwaneliseka okungokomzwelo ekuzizweni njengeqhawe elikhethekile, elingaqondakali kahle lenhlekelele (noma ngabe iqulekile kanjani), - futhi-ke, kuletha ubumnandi obuvela ezenzakalweni zocansi. Omunye owayekade engongqingili, ekhumbula ukutholwa kwakhe yisiko lesini lobungqingili, uthi: “Kwakungathi ngifikile ekhaya. Ngithole iqembu lami lontanga (khumbula idrama yobuntwana yobungqingili kusukela ekuzizweni njengomuntu ongaphandle). Uma ngibheka emuva, ngibona indlela esasiphatheke kabi ngayo - siyiqembu labantu ababengahambelani nempilo, abagcina bethole indawo yabo kule mpilo ”(Howard 1991, 117).

Kodwa-ke, uhlamvu lwemali lunobubi. Kule ndlela, ungalokothi uthole injabulo yangempela, noma ukuthula kwangaphakathi. Ukukhathazeka nomuzwa wokuphelelwa yithemba ngaphakathi kuyokhula kuphela. Futhi kuthiwani ngezingcingo ezishaqisayo nezingapheli? Futhi konke ngoba umuntu aziveze ngokuthi "Mina" wamanga, engena "empilweni" yobungqingili. Iphupho eliyengayo ngokuhamba kwesikhathi liphenduka inkohliso embi: "ubungqingili" kusho ukuphila impilo engamanga, kude nobuntu bakho bangempela.

Inkulumo-ze yobungqingili ikhuthaza abantu ukuthi bazichaze ngobungqingili, iphinda ithi abantu “balungile” ubungqingili. Kodwa-ke, izintshisekelo zobungqingili kuyaqabukela zivele zingapheli futhi zingashintshi (uma kungenjalo). Izikhathi zokushayela kobungqingili ziyahlangana nezikhathi zobungqingili noma ukubizwa kobungqingili okungaphezulu. Vele, intsha eningi nentsha engazange ihlakulele “umfanekiso wobungqingili,” yazisindisa ngale ndlela ekwakheni ukuthambekela kobungqingili. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, igama lakho liqinisa ukuthambekela kobungqingili, ikakhulukazi ekuqaleni, lapho umuntu edinga kakhulu ukuthuthukisa ingxenye yakhe yobungqingili. Kumele siqonde ukuthi cishe isigamu samadoda abathandana nobungqingili singabhekwa njengeziphikisayo, futhi phakathi kwabesilisa abathandana nabesilisa abathandanayo leli phesenti liphezulu kakhulu.

2. Izimbangela zobungqingili

Ingabe ubungqingili buhlobene ngempela nezakhi zofuzo nokwakheka okukhethekile kwengqondo?

Igama elithi "ama-hormone" alizange lifakwe esihlokweni salesi sigaba, ngoba imizamo yokufuna isisekelo se-hormone sobungqingili ishiywe ngokuyisisekelo (ayikakhiphi imiphumela - ngaphandle kokuthi umcwaningi wase-East Germany uDorner uthole ukuhlangana okuthile kumagundane, kepha lokhu akuhlangene nakancane nobulili babantu, futhi empeleni izivivinyo ngokwazo zazingalungile ngokuphelele ngokwezibalo). Kubukeka sengathi asikho isizathu sokuqhubeka nokuxhasa inkolelo yamahomoni.

Kodwa-ke, kufanele siphawule ukuthi abameli bobungqingili bezama amashumi eminyaka ukubamba nganoma yisiphi isikhathi ngenhloso yokufakazela umbono we-hormonal, noma ngabe kungaqondakali kangakanani. Bazama ukunikeza umbono wokuthi "isayensi ikufakazisile" ukuvumelana kobungqingili, futhi labo abangavumelani nalokhu kuthiwa bathembele emcabangweni ongenalutho.

Namuhla, kuncane okushintshile kulokhu; mhlawumbe kutholakala okunye okungabazeka kakhulu ebuchosheni babantu abathandana abangashonile, noma ukucabanga mayelana nama-chromosome acacisiwe ubulili, manje asebenza "njengobufakazi besayensi".

Kepha uma kutholakala isici esithile sebhayoloji esihlobene ngqo nobungqingili, khona-ke ngeke sikwazi ukuphikisana ngokuvumelana nokujwayela kwalesi simo. Ngemuva kwakho konke, isici esithile semvelo akumele sibe imbangela yobungqingili; ngempumelelo elinganayo kungaba umphumela wayo. Kepha, nokho, ukuba khona kwento enjalo kungenzeka kakhulu kusuka kumkhakha wamaphupho kunamaqiniso. Namuhla kusobala ukuthi izizathu lapha azihlobene ne-physiology noma i-biology.

Muva nje, sekushicilelwe izifundo ezimbili eziveza ukuthi kukhona “imbangela yefa”. UHamer et al. (1993) uhlole isampula lamadoda angongqingili ayenabafowethu abathandana nobungqingili. Uthole ku2 / 3 yazo izimpawu zokufana kwengxenye encane ye-X chromosome (ifa elivela kumama).

Ngabe lokhu kuthola uhlobo lobungqingili? Akunjalo! Ngokwemibono ejwayelekile yabezakhi zofuzo, ngaphambi kokuthi kusungulwe ukuhambelana ngofuzo, ukuphindaphinda okuphindaphindekile kwale miphumela kuyadingeka. “Ukutholwa” okufanayo kohlobo lwe-schizophrenia, i-psychic-depression psychosis, uphuzo oludakayo kanye nobugebengu (!) Ngokunyamalala ngokuthula nangokuthula ngenxa yokuntuleka kobufakazi obulandelayo.

Ngaphezu kwalokho, isifundo sikaHamer asimeleli: sithinta ingxenye encane yabantu besilisa bobungqingili, abafowabo nabo ababengongqingili (ezingekho ngaphezu kuka-10% wabo bonke ongqingili), futhi akuqinisekiswanga ngokuphelele, kepha ngo-2/3 kuphela, okungukuthi, akusekho ngaphezu kuka-6% wabo bonke ongqingili. "Akusekho", ngoba ngongqingili abavulekile kuphela ababenabazalwane bobungqingili ababemelwe eqenjini lokufunda (ngoba laqoqwa kuphela ngezikhangiso ezincwadini ezisekela ubungqingili).

Uma lolu cwaningo lungaqinisekiswa, ngokwalo bekungeke kube yimbangela yofuzo lobungqingili. Ukuhlolisiswa kuzoveza ukuthi isakhi sofuzo singathinta noma yiziphi izimfanelo, ngokwesibonelo, izici zokufana ngokomzimba nomama, ubumnene, noma, ngokwesibonelo, ukuthambekela kokukhathazeka, njll. Kungacatshangwa ukuthi omama noma obaba abathile bakhulisa amadodana anezici ezinjalo endaweni engeyona eyabesilisa, noma ukuthi abafana abanesakhi esinjalo bathambekele ekulungisweni kabi eqenjini lontanga lobulili obufanayo (uma, ngokwesibonelo, isakhi sasihambisana nokwesaba). Ngakho-ke, isakhi ngokwaso asikwazi ukucacisa. Akunakwenzeka ukuthi kungahlotshaniswa nobulili kanjalo, ngoba ongqingili (noma inani elincane labo elinalesi sakhi) lizoba nezici ezithile zehomoni kanye / noma zobuchopho, ezingakaze zitholwe.

UWilliam Byne (1994) uphakamisa omunye umbuzo othakazelisayo. Ukufana phakathi kwamadodana ongqingili nonina ngokulandelana kwamangqamuzana e-X chromosome efundwayo, uyaphawula, akubonisi isakhi sofuzo esifanayo esilinganayo sawo wonke lawa madoda, ngoba akuzange kuvezwe ukuthi okufanayo kwakubonwa kuzo zonke izimo Ukulandelana kwamangqamuzana. (Ababili babafowethu babenombala wamehlo ofanayo nonina; omunye wayenomumo wamakhala abo, njll.)

Ngakho-ke, ukuba khona kohlobo lobungqingili kuyabonakala ngezizathu ezimbili: i-1) emindenini yobungqingili, into eyenzelwa ifa likaMendel ayitholakalanga; I-2) imiphumela yokuhlolwa kwamawele iyahambisana kakhulu nomqondo wemvelo yangaphandle kunencazelo yofuzo.

Ake sichaze owesibili. Izinto ezifuna ukwazi zavela lapha. Emuva ngo-1952, uKallmann wabika ukuthi, ngokocwaningo lwakhe, ama-100% amawele afanayo, elinye lawo elalingungqingili, ayenamawele nawo ayengungqingili. Kumawele omndeni, bangu-11% kuphela abazalwane bobabili ababengongqingili. Kepha, njengoba kwavela kamuva, ucwaningo lukaKallmann lwavela ukuthi lwaluchemile futhi alumeleli, futhi ngokushesha kwacaca ukuthi baningi abesilisa nabobulili obuhlukile phakathi kwamawele afanayo. Isibonelo, uBaley noPillard (1991) bathola ukuqondana kobungqingili ngamaphesenti angama-52 kuphela amawele wesilisa afanayo nama-22% amawele omndeni, kuyilapho izingane zakubo zobungqingili zitholakale kuma-9% wabangqingili abangewona amawele, kanti i-11% yayinabafowabo bokutholwa bobungqingili! Kulokhu, okokuqala, isici sofuzo esihlobene nobungqingili singathatha isinqumo kuphela engxenyeni yamacala, ngakho-ke akuyona imbangela yokuthatha isinqumo. Okwesibili: umehluko phakathi kwamawele omndeni, ngakolunye uhlangothi, nabangqingili nabafowabo (kufaka phakathi abokutholwa), ngakolunye (22%, 9% no-11%, ngokulandelana), kukhomba izizathu ezingezona ezofuzo, ngoba amawele omndeni nawo ahluke kakhulu njengezinye izihlobo. Ngakho-ke, incazelo yobudlelwano obonwe kufanele ifunwe hhayi ku-genetics, kepha ku-psychology.

Kukhona okunye ukuphikisana, ngokwesibonelo, ezinye izifundo zikhombisa umdlalo ophansi wobungqingili kumawele afanayo, futhi amasampula ezifundo eziningi awameleli wonke umuntu ongqingili.

Kepha emuva esifundweni sikaHameri: kusesekuseni kakhulu ukuthola noma isiphi isiphetho kuye mayelana nokuba khona kofuzo, ngoba, phakathi kwezinye izinto, asazi ukuthi ngabe lo “gene” wenkolelo-mbono uzoba khona yini kubafowethu abathandanayo abathandanayo nabobulili obuhlukile. Isijeziso esibulala kakhulu kulolu cwaningo sivezwe nguRish, ophenya inqubo ye-Hamer sampling. Ngokusho kukaRish, imiphumela yezibalo kaHamer ayinikezi ilungelo lokuthola iziphetho ezithathwe nguHamer (Rish et al. 1993).

Naphezu kweqiniso lokuthi uHamer ngokwakhe wathi ucwaningo lwakhe "luveza" ithonya lofuzo, nokho uthi "amathuba ezizathu zangaphandle" zobungqingili (Hamer et al. 1993). Inkinga ukuthi "ukuqagelwa" okunjalo kumenyezelwa njengokucishe kufakazelwe.

E-1991, omunye umcwaningi, uLeVey, wabika kumagazini weSayensi ukuthi isikhungo sendawo ethile yobuchopho (i-anterior hypothalamus) yabalingani abaningana bengculazi bancanyana kunesikhungo sesifunda esifanayo sobuchopho salabo ababulawa yisifo esifanayo sobulili. Emhlabeni wesayensi, imicabango mayelana nesisekelo sezinzwa zobungqingili yaqala ukusatshalaliswa ngenkuthalo.

Kepha akulungile ukucabanga kanjalo: ongqingili abaningi nabamele iqembu elilawulayo banosayizi ofanayo wale ndawo, ngakho-ke lesi sici asiyona imbangela yobungqingili.

Ngaphezu kwalokho, umcabango kaLeVey wokuthi le ngxenye yobuchopho ebhekene nobulili iye yaphikiswa; wagxekwa ngendlela yakhe yokulinga ukuhlinzwa (Byne and Parsons, 1993).

Ngaphezu kwalokho. U-LeVey wakhipha ngaphandle abanye ongqingili ngenxa yokugula kakhulu ebuchosheni babo: empeleni, i-AIDS yaziwa ngokuguqula ukwakheka kobuchopho nokwakheka kwe-DNA. Khonamanjalo, uByne noParsons, ekutadisheni kwabo ngokucophelela ubungqingili nezici "zebhayoloji", baphawula ukuthi umlando wezokwelapha wabangqingili abane-AIDS wehlukile kowabantu abayimilutha yezidakamizwa abesilisa nabesifazane, ngokwesilinganiso, abafa ngokushesha kunabongqingili abanegciwane futhi kungenzeka baphathwe ezinye izifo. - ukuze umehluko ngosayizi wale ndawo yobuchopho ungahlotshaniswa nokwelashwa okuhlukile emaqenjini okuhlola nawokulawula. (Ngokwazi ukuthi i-HIV iguqula ukwakheka kwe-DNA, ngendlela, kulandela ukuthi esifundweni sikaHamer enye incazelo kungenzeka, ixhumanisa izici zofuzo nomsebenzi wegciwane).

Kepha ake sithi kwezinye izingxenye zobuchopho bobungqingili kukhona okuthile okuhlukile. Ngabe-ke kufanele sithathe ukuthi ebuchosheni bezingane ezinukubeza ngokobulili obufanayo kukhona nezindawo "ezazo"? Kuthiwani ngabanukubeza ngokobulili obuhlukile, ama-masochists kanye nama-sadists wezindlela ezihlukile, ababonisa umbukiso, abakwa-voyeurs, abesilisa abathandana nabobulili obufanayo nabathandana nabesilisa abesilisa nabesifazane, abesilisa abesilisa nabesifazane, abesilisa abesilisa nabesifazane, ama-zoophiles, njll.

Ukwehluleka komqondo wemvelaphi yemvelaphi yokuya ocansini kuqinisekiswa ngocwaningo lokuziphatha. Kuyaziwa, ngokwesibonelo, ukuthi ngisho nakubantu abanesethi engafanele yama-chromosomes, ukuthambekela kwabo kwezocansi kuncike endimeni yezocansi abakhuliswe kuyo. Futhi kwenzeka kanjani ukuthi iqiniso lokuthi ukuhlelwa kabusha kobungqingili kungenzeka, okubuye kwaqinisekiswa kaningi ekwelashweni kwezengqondo, kuvumelana nombono wozalo?

Asikwazi ukukubeka ngaphandle ukuthi kungenzeka ukuthi izakhiwo ezithile zobuchopho ziguqulwe ngenxa yokuziphatha. Kungani-ke uLeVey, owathi ekuqaleni kahle ukuthi imiphumela yakhe "ayivumeli iziphetho zokudweba," kwenye indawo esihlokweni sakhe uphinde abhale ukuthi "bacabanga" isisekelo semvelo sobungqingili (futhi ngokwemvelo, lokhu "kucabanga" kuthathwe masinyane ngabezindaba abathandana nobungqingili )? Iqiniso ngukuthi uLeVey ungungqingili ovulekile. Isu lalaba "bavikeli" ukudala umbono wokuthi "kunezizathu zebhayoloji, kuphela asikaziboni ngqo - kepha sekuvele kunezimpawu ezithandekayo / ezithembisayo". Leli qhinga lisekela umbono wobungqingili obungokwemvelo. Idlala ezandleni zemibuthano evumelana nobungqingili, ngoba uma osopolitiki kanye nezishayamthetho bekholelwa ukuthi isayensi isendleleni yokufakazela ubungqingili bobungqingili, lokhu kuzodluliselwa kalula emkhakheni wezomthetho ukuthola amalungelo akhethekile obungqingili. Umagazini weSayensi, njengezinye izincwadi ezithandana nezitabane, uvame ukusekela umbono wokujwayelekile kobungqingili. Lokhu kungazwakala ngendlela umhleli awuchaza ngayo umbiko weHamer: "okubonakala kunenhloso." "Impela, luselude ukhalo okusamele luhambe ngaphambi kokuthola ubufakazi obuphelele, kodwa ..." Inkulumo evamile yabameli bale mibono. Siphawula ngodaba lukaHamer encwadini yakhe, isazi sezakhi zofuzo esidumile saseFrance uSolwazi Lejeune (1993) washo ngokuqinile ukuthi "uma lolu cwaningo lungabathinti ubungqingili, belungeke lwamukeleke nokuthi lushicilelwe ngenxa yezindlela ezinempikiswano enkulu nokungacabangi kwezibalo."

Kuyadabukisa ukuthi abacwaningi abambalwa kuphela abazi ngomlando "wokutholwa" ohlukahlukene emkhakheni wokufunda ngobungqingili. Isiphetho 'sokutholwa' kukaSteinach siyakhumbuleka, kudala ngaphambi kokuqala kweMpi Yezwe II wayekholelwa ukuthi uyakwazi ukubonisa izinguquko ezithile kuma-testicles amadoda abungqingili. Ngaleso sikhathi, abaningi babesekela imibono yabo kwisizathu semvelo esichazwe ezincwadini zakhe. Ngemuva kweminyaka eminingi kuphela, kwaba sobala ukuthi imiphumela yayo ayiqinisekiswanga.

Futhi ekugcineni, okwakamuva ocwaningweni lukaHamer. IScience American Magazine (Novemba 1995, iphe. 26) ibika ngocwaningo olunzulu lukaJ. Ebers, ongakwazanga ukuthola ukuxhumana okukhona phakathi kobungqingili nokusayina izinhlobo ze-chromosome.

Kuyadabukisa ukuthi ukushicilela okuxhamazelayo, njengalokho okuxoxwe ngakho ngenhla, hhayi ukukhohlisa imibono yomphakathi kuphela, kepha futhi kudida abantu abafuna iqiniso futhi abangafuni ukuphila ngentshisekelo yabo. Ngakho-ke, ngeke sinqotshwe yinkohliso.

Ngabe ubungqingili “buhlelwe” ngempela eminyakeni yokuqala yokuphila, futhi ingabe le inqubo engenakuphikwa?

Ubuntwana bobungqingili buqala ebusheni futhi abuhlotshaniswa kangako nobuntwana. Phakathi nale minyaka, ukuzinza okuthile kongqingili kuyenzeka. Kodwa-ke, akulungile ukusho ukuthi ubunikazi bobulili sebuvele busungulwe ebuntwaneni, njengoba abameli bobungqingili, phakathi kwabanye, bevame ukusho. Lo mbono usetshenziselwa ukuthethelela umbono owethulwa ezinganeni ezifundweni zobulili: "Mhlawumbe kukhona abanye benu, futhi lokhu kungokwemvelo, ngakho-ke hlalani ngokuvumelana nalokhu!" Ukuhlanganiswa kokuqala kokuya ocansini kungenye yemiqondo eyintandokazi kumibono yakudala ye-psychoanalytic, egomela ukuthi lapho uneminyaka emithathu noma emine ubudala, izici zobuntu eziyisisekelo zakheka, futhi unomphela.

Ubungqingili, ukuzwa lokhu, kuzothatha isinqumo sokuthi ukuthambekela kwakhe kwakwakhiwe kusewusana, ngoba umama wakhe wayefuna intombazane - ngakho-ke yena, umfana, wala. Ngaphezu kwesisekelo esingelona iqiniso ngokuphelele (umbono wosana ungowakudala, akakwazi ukubona ukwenqatshwa kwakhe kususelwa ebulilini), lo mbono uzwakala njengomusho wenhlekelele futhi uqinisa ukuzilingisa.

Uma sithembela ekukhunjuleni komuntu uqobo, khona-ke ngokusobala sizobona ukuthi i-neurotization yenzeka ngesikhathi sokuthomba.

Kodwa-ke, emibonweni yentuthuko yokuqala, kuneqiniso elithile. Isibonelo, kungenzeka ukuthi umama waphila amaphupho endodakazi yakhe futhi wakhulisa indodana yakhe ngokufanele. Isimilo nokuziphatha kwakheka ngempela phakathi kweminyaka yokuqala yokuphila, okungenakushiwo ngokuthuthuka kokuthambekela kobungqingili, noma mayelana nokusungulwa kwenkimbinkimbi ekhethekile yokuhlaselwa ubulili okuvela kuyo lokhu kuthambekela.

Iqiniso lokuthi okuthandwayo ngocansi akulungiselelwe nhlobo ebuntwaneni kwasekuqaleni kungaboniswa ngokutholwe nguGundlach noRiesz (1967): lapho kufundwa iqembu elikhulu labathengisi abakhulela emindenini enkulu yezingane ezinhlanu noma ngaphezulu, kwatholakala ukuthi laba besifazane kungenzeka kakhulu ukuba yizingane ezincane emndenini. Lokhu kuphakamisa ukuthi ithuba lokuthatha isinyathelo esinqunyiwe ekukhuleni kobungqingili lingaveli ngaphambi kwalokho, yithi, iminyaka emihlanu kuya kweyisikhombisa, futhi mhlawumbe ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, ngoba kungale minyaka lapho intombazane eyizibulo isesimweni lapho amathuba ayo okuba yisoka lingakhuphuka (uma inokuncane abafowethu nodadewethu abayisihlanu), noma ukuncipha (uma kuzalwa abafowethu nodadewethu abayisihlanu noma abancane). Ngokufanayo, izifundo zabesilisa ezinemindeni yazo ezazinabafowethu nodadewabo abangaphezu kwabane zikhombisile ukuthi, njengomthetho, izingane ezincane kakhulu zaba ngabungqingili (uVan Lennep et al. 1954).

Ngaphezu kwalokho, phakathi kwabafana besifazane ikakhulukazi (ikakhulu abasengcupheni yokuba nobungqingili ngenxa yokuqalwa kwabo ukwakha ithempeli labesilisa), amaphesenti angaphezu kwe-30 ayenemicabango yobungqingili ebusheni babo (i-Green 1985), ngenkathi amaphesenti we-20 eguquguquka ebulilini babo izintandokazi kulesi sigaba sokuthuthuka (Green 1987). Abantu abaningi abathandana nobungqingili (hhayi bonke, ngendlela), babona izimpawu zobungqingili besikhathi esizayo ebuntwaneni babo (ukugqoka izingubo zobungqingili noma imidlalo kanye nemisebenzi ejwayelekile kwabobulili obuhlukile). Kodwa-ke, lokhu akusho neze ukuthi lezi zibonakaliso zimisela ngaphambili ukuthambekela kobungqingili esikhathini esizayo. Zibonisa kuphela ubungozi obukhulu, kepha hhayi ukungabambeki.

Izici ezingokwengqondo zobuntwana

Uma umcwaningi ongakhethi engenalo nhlobo ulwazi ngemvelaphi yobungqingili kufanele alucubungule lolu daba, ekugcineni uzofika esiphethweni sokuthi kubalulekile ukubheka izinto ezingokwengqondo zobuntwana - kunemininingwane eyanele yalokhu. Kodwa-ke, ngenxa yenkolelo esabalele yemvelo engokwemvelo yobungqingili, abaningi bayangabaza ukuthi ukutadisha ukukhula kwengqondo ngesikhathi sobuntwana kungasiza ekuqondeni ubungqingili. Ngabe kungenzeka yini ukuthi uzalwe uyindoda ejwayelekile futhi ngasikhathi sinye ukhule ube ngowesifazane kangako? Futhi ongqingili uqobo lwabo abaziboni yini izifiso zabo njengohlobo lwemvelo yokuzalwa, njengokuvezwa "kwabo"? Ngabe umbono wokuthi bangazizwa bengabobulili obuhlukile ubonakala ungokwemvelo kubo?

Kepha ukubukeka kuyakhohlisa. Okokuqala, indoda yesifazane akubona ubungqingili. Ngaphezu kwalokho, ubufazi ukuziphatha okutholakala ngokufunda. Imvamisa, asazi ngezinga elithile lokuziphatha, izintandokazi nesimo sengqondo lapho kungafundwa khona. Lokhu kwenzeka ikakhulukazi ngokulingisa. Singabona umsuka womngeneleli ngomculo wenkulumo yakhe, ukubiza amagama, ngokunyakaza kwakhe nokunyakaza kwakhe. Futhi ungahlukanisa kalula amalungu omndeni ofanayo ngezimfanelo zawo ezijwayelekile, imikhuba, amahlaya abo akhethekile, - ezicini eziningi zokuziphatha okusobala ukuthi azizalwa. Uma sikhuluma ngobufazi, singabona ukuthi abafana emazweni aseningizimu yeYurophu bakhuliselwe ingxenye enkulu "ethambile", omunye angasho, "abe ngowesifazane" kakhulu kunasenyakatho. Intsha yaseNordic iyacasuka uma ibona intsha yaseSpain noma yase-Italiya ikama izinwele zayo ngokucophelela echibini lokubhukuda, ibuka esibukweni isikhathi eside, ifake ubuhlalu, njll. Ngokufanayo, amadodana abasebenzi ngokuvamile anamandla futhi anamandla, "anesibindi" amadodana abantu bomsebenzi wobuhlakani, abaculi, noma izikhulu, njengoba kwakunjalo ngaphambili. Lezi zokugcina ziyisibonelo sokucwaninga, funda "ubufazi".

Ngabe umfana, okhuliswe ngaphandle kukayise ngumama omthatha "njengentombi" yakhe, uzokhula abe ngumfana onesibindi? Ukuhlaziywa kukhombisa ukuthi ongqingili besifazane abaningi babencike kakhulu kunina ngenkathi ubaba engekho ngokomzimba noma ngokwengqondo (ngokwesibonelo, uma ubaba eyindoda ebuthakathaka ngaphansi kwethonya lomkakhe, noma uma engazange afeze indima yakhe njengobaba ebudlelwaneni bakhe nendodana yakhe).

Isithombe sikamama ochitha ubudoda bendodana yakhe sinezinto eziningi. Lo ngumama onakekela ngokweqile futhi uvikela ngokweqile okhathazeke kakhulu ngempilo yendodana yakhe. Futhi lo ngumama ovelele, owabeka indima yenceku noma umngani omkhulu endodaneni yakhe. Umama onesihawu noma ozilingisayo obona ngokungazi endodaneni yakhe indodakazi angathanda ukuba nayo (ngokwesibonelo, ngemuva kokushona kwendodakazi yakhe, eyazalwa ngaphambi kwendodana yayo). Owesifazane owaba ngumama esemdala, ngoba wayengakwazi ukuthola izingane esemncane. Ugogo okhulisa umfana oshiywe ngunina, futhi unesiqiniseko sokuthi udinga ukuvikelwa. Umama osemncane othatha indodana yakhe njengonodoli kunengane ephilayo. Umama wokutholwa ophatha indodana yakhe njengengane engenakuzisiza futhi enothando. Njll Njengomthetho, ebuntwaneni bobungqingili besifazane, izinto ezinjalo zingatholakala kalula, ngakho-ke asikho isidingo sokusebenzisa ifa ukuze uchaze indlela yokuziphatha kwabesifazane.

Ubungqingili besifazane obubonakalayo, ohamba nonina ezifuyweni, ngenkathi umfowabo "eyindodana kababa", wangitshela ukuthi umama wayehlala emnika indima yokuba "yinceku" yakhe, umfana wekhasi. Wabhala izinwele zakhe, wasiza ukukhetha ingubo esitolo, njll. Njengoba umhlaba wamadoda wawucishe uvaliwe kuye ngenxa yokungabi nandaba kukayise, izwe likanina no-anti wakhe laba umhlaba wakhe ojwayelekile. Kungakho umzwelo wakhe wokulingisa wawubhekiswe kwabesifazane abadala. Isibonelo, uthole ukuthi angabalingisa ekufekethiseni, okubajabulisayo.

Njengomthetho, imizwa yokulingisa yomfana ngemuva kweminyaka emithathu yobudala iya kumamodeli wesilisa: ubaba, abafowethu, omalume, othisha, futhi ngesikhathi sokuthomba, uzikhethela amaqhawe amasha ezweni lamadoda. Emantombazaneni, lokhu kuqondiswa kwemvelo kuqondiswa kumamodeli abesifazane. Uma sikhuluma ngezici zangaphakathi ezihambisana nobulili, khona-ke lo mqondo wokulingisa uyilungele le ndima. Noma kunjalo, abanye abafana balingisa abamele ubulili obuhlukile, futhi lokhu kungenxa yezici ezimbili: babekwa iqhaza kwabobulili obuhlukile, futhi abakhangwa ekulingiseni kukababa, abafowabo nakwamanye amadoda. Ukuhlanekezela kwenkomba yemvelo yesifiso sokulingisa kungenxa yokuthi abamele ubulili babo abubukeki ngokwanele, ngenkathi ukulingiswa kobulili obuhlukile kuletha izinzuzo ezithile.

Kuleli cala elisanda kuchazwa, umfana uzizwe ejabule futhi evikelekile ngenxa yokunakwa nokumncoma kukanina nakubabekazi - lapho engekho, njengoba kubonakala kuye, ithuba lokungena ezweni lomfowabo nobaba wakhe. Izici "zendodana kamama" zakhula kuye; waba yisisulu, wazama ukujabulisa wonke umuntu, ikakhulukazi abesifazane abadala; njengomama wakhe, waba nemizwa, waba sengozini futhi wathukuthela, wayehlala ekhala, futhi akhumbuze obabekazi bakhe ngendlela yokukhuluma.

Kubalulekile ukuqaphela ukuthi ubufazi bendoda enjalo bufana nendlela "yesalukazi"; futhi yize le ndima igxilile ngokujulile, kumane kuwumqondo wobudoda. Asibheki nje kuphela ngokuphunyuka ekuziphatheni kwabesilisa ngokwesaba ukwehluleka, kepha futhi nohlobo lokucinga okungenangqondo lokunaka ukunakwa, injabulo yabesifazane ababalulekile abazwakalisa umdlandla ngalokhu. Lokhu kuvezwa kakhulu kubantu be-transgender kanye nabesilisa abadlala izindima zabesifazane.

Ukulimala nemikhuba yokuziphatha

Akungatshazwa ukuthi isici sokuhlukumezeka sidlala indima enkulu ekwakhekeni kwengqondo kobungqingili (ikakhulukazi maqondana nokuzivumelanisa nabobulili obufanayo, bheka ngezansi). Leli khasi esengisanda kukhuluma ngalo, lakhumbula ukomela kwakhe ukunakwa kukayise, yena, ngokubona kwakhe, kwamukelwa kuphela ngumfowethu oyedwa. Kepha imikhuba yakhe nezintshisakalo zakhe azinakuchazwa kuphela ngendiza evela emhlabeni wabantu. Imvamisa sibheka ukusebenzisana kwezinto ezimbili: ukwakheka komkhuba ongalungile kanye nokuhlukumezeka (umuzwa wokungakwazi ukuba khona kwabamele abobulili bomuntu emhlabeni). Kuyadingeka ukugcizelela lesi sici somkhuba, ngaphezu kwesici sokukhungatheka, ngoba ukwelashwa okusebenzayo akufanele kuhloswe kuphela ukulungisa imiphumela ye-neurotic ye-trauma, kodwa futhi nasekuguquleni imikhuba etholakele engeyona eyeyobulili. Ngaphezu kwalokho, ukunaka ngokweqile i-trauma kungakhulisa ukuthambekela kokuzenzisa komuntu ongqingili, futhi ngenxa yalokho, uzosola umzali kuphela wobulili bakhe. Kepha, ngokwesibonelo, akekho ubaba oyedwa “onecala” lokungayinaki indodana yakhe. Imvamisa obaba bobungqingili bakhala ngokuthi omkabo bangabanikazi abanjalo ngenhlonipho yamadodana abo ukuthi ayikho indawo yabo. Ngempela, abazali abaningi abathandana nobungqingili banezinkinga emshadweni.

Mayelana nokuziphatha kwesifazane kwabesilisa abathandana nabobulili obufanayo nokuziphatha kobudoda kwabesilisa abathandana nobulili obufanayo, ukubonwa komtholampilo kukhombisa ukuthi iningi labo lakhuliswa ngezindima ezihluke kancane kulezo zezinye izingane zobulili obufanayo. Iqiniso lokuthi kamuva baqala ukunamathela kule ndima kuvame ukuba ngumphumela oqondile wokungabikho kwemvume evela kumzali wobulili obufanayo. Isimo esivamile sabaningi (kodwa hhayi bonke!) Omama besilisa abayizitabane ukuthi ababoni amadodana abo “njengamadoda angempela” - futhi ababaphathi kanjalo. Ngokunjalo, abanye obaba abathandana nobulili obufanayo, yize kungathiwa okuncane, ababoni amadodakazi abo "njengamantombazane angempela" futhi awabaphathi kanjalo, kepha ababheke njengomngani wabo omkhulu noma njengendodana yabo.

Kumele kuqashelwe ukuthi indima yomzali wobulili obuhlukile ayibalulekanga kangako kuneyomzali wobulili obufanayo. Amadoda amaningi abungqingili, ngokwesibonelo, abenomama abavikela ngokweqile, abakhathazekile, abakhathazekile, omama abavelele, noma omama ababathandayo futhi babatotosa ngokweqile. Indodana yakhe “ingumfana olungile,” “umfana olalelayo,” “umfana oziphethe kahle,” futhi imvamisa umfana ongumuntu ophukile ekukhuleni ngokwengqondo futhi uhlala “eyingane” isikhathi eside kakhulu. Esikhathini esizayo, indoda enjalo yobungqingili ihlala "iyindodana kamama." Kepha umama ovelele, nokho obona kumfana wakhe "indoda yangempela" futhi efuna ukwenza indoda ngaye, akasoze akhulisa "indodana kamama." Okufanayo kuyasebenza ebudlelwaneni obuphakathi kukababa nendodakazi. Umama ovelele (ovikela ngokweqile, okhathazekile, njll.), Ongazi ukuthi angayenza kanjani indoda ibe ngumfana, ubambe iqhaza ekuphambukiseni kokwakheka kwakhe kwengqondo. Imvamisa akacabangi ukuthi angayenza kanjani indoda ngomfana, ngaphandle kokuba nesibonelo esihle emndenini wakhe kulokhu. Ufuna ukumenza umfana oziphatha kahle, noma ambophele kuye uma enesizungu futhi engakwazi ukuzivikela (njengomama oyedwa owathatha indodana yakhe wayolala nayo waze waba neminyaka eyishumi nambili).

Ngamafuphi, ucwaningo lobungqingili lukhombisa ukubaluleka kokuqinisekisa ukuthi abazali banemibono enengqondo mayelana nobudoda nobuntu besifazane. Ezimweni eziningi, kodwa-ke, ukuhlanganiswa kwemibono yabo bobabili abazali kubeka isigaba sokuthuthuka kongqingili (van den Aardweg, 1984).

Umuntu angabuza, ingabe izimfanelo zowesifazane wobungqingili kanye nabesilisa abesilisa nabesilisa abesilisa nabesilisa abesilisa nabesilisa abesilisa bangabangaphambili kwezidingo zokuqhamuka kobungqingili? Ezimweni eziningi, abafana abathandana nobungqingili empeleni bangabesifazane noma bangaphansi. Futhi, iningi (kodwa hhayi lonke) amantombazane angaphambi kobungqingili anezici eziningi zesisu sobuntu noma ezingaphansi. Kodwa-ke, lobu "bufazi" noma le "masculinity" bungabizwa ngokuthi buchaza. Into, njengoba sizobona kamuva, ukuzibona kwengane. Ngisho nasezimweni zokuqhubeka kokuziphatha kwabantu besifazane kubafana, okubizwa ngokuthi "i-boy-boy syndrome," yizingane ze-2 / 3 kuphela ezihlakulela imicabango yobungqingili yokuthomba, futhi abanye bakhululwe ebusimeni obubonakalayo, baba ngabantu abadala (Green, 1985, 1987). Ngale ndlela, lo mphumela uhambisana nombono wokuthi ezimweni eziningi ukulungiswa kobungqingili kwenzeka zombili ngesikhathi sokuthomba nangesikhathi esedlule, kepha hhayi ebuntwaneni.

Amacala Atypical

Naphezu kweqiniso lokuthi okuhlangenwe nakho okujwayelekile kwengane kwabobungqingili abaningi kwakuwubudlelwano obubi nomzali wobulili babo, obekuvame ukuhambisana nobudlelwano obungenampilo nomzali wobulili obuhlukile (ikakhulukazi phakathi kwabesilisa abayizitabane), lokhu akunakubizwa ngokuthi yinto ejwayelekile. Abanye besilisa abanobungqingili babenobuhlobo obuhle noyise, babenomuzwa wokuthi bayathandwa futhi bayaziswa; njengoba nje abanye abesilisa abathandana nabesifazane abathandanayo babe nobudlelwano obuhle nonina (Howard, 1991, 83). Kepha kepha ubudlelwano obunjalo obungenamibandela bunokubamba iqhaza ekwakheni ubungqingili.

Isibonelo, umfana omncane ongqingili, owesimame omncane ngemikhuba, wakhuliswa ngubaba onothando noqondayo. Ukhumbula egijimela ekhaya ngemuva kwesikole, lapho azizwa ebophekile futhi angakwazi ukuxhumana nontanga (okuyisinqumo esinqumayo!). "Ikhaya" lakhe kwakuyindawo lapho ayengeke abe khona nonina, njengoba umuntu angalindela, kodwa nobaba wakhe, ayehamba naye ezifuyweni futhi ezizwa ephephile naye. Ubaba wakhe wayengelona uhlobo olubuthakathaka ebesivele silwazi, angathandi "ukuzikhomba" ngaye - okuphambene nalokho. Kwakungumama wakhe owayebuthakathaka futhi enamahloni futhi engazange adlale indima ebalulekile ebuntwaneni bakhe. Ubaba wakhe wayenesibindi futhi ezimisele, futhi wayemthanda. Isinqumo esinqumayo ebudlelwaneni babo ukuthi ubaba wakhe wamnika indima yokuba yintombazane nosisi, engakwazi ukuzivikela kulo mhlaba. Uyise wayemlawula ngendlela enobungane, ngakho babesondelene impela. Isimo sikayise ngaye sadala kuye, noma saba negalelo ekudalweni, kwesimo esinjalo ngakuye lapho azibona engenakho ukuzivikela futhi engenakuzisiza, futhi engenasibindi futhi enamandla. Njengomuntu omdala, wayesabheka kubangani bakayise ukuze bamsekele. Kodwa-ke, izintshisekelo zakhe zazigxile ezinsizweni kunabantu abadala, obaba, izinhlobo zamadoda.

Esinye isibonelo. Umuntu oyisitabane obukeka eyindoda ngokuphelele iminyaka engaba ngamashumi amane nanhlanu akakwazi ukubamba imbangela yenkinga ebudlelwaneni bakhe nobuntwana bakhe noyise. Uyise wayehlala engumngane wakhe, eqeqesha ezemidlalo futhi eyisibonelo esihle sobudoda emsebenzini nasebudlelwaneni bomphakathi. Kungani-ke engazange "aziveze" ngobunikazi bukayise? Inkinga yonke iku mama. Wayengowesifazane oziqhenyayo, engakaze aneliseke ngesimo senhlalo yomyeni wakhe. Wayefundiswe kakhulu futhi eqhamuka enenhlalo ephakeme kunaye (wayeyisisebenzi), wayehlala emhlazisa ngezitatimende zakhe ezinokhahlo kanye namahlaya amthukayo. Indodana yayihlala imhawukela uyise. Wakhomba kuye, kodwa hhayi ngokuziphatha kwakhe, ngoba unina wamfundisa ukwehluka. Ngenxa yokuthi uthandwa kakhulu ngunina, kwadingeka ukuthi enze lokho kudumazeka kwakhe kumyeni wakhe. Akukaze kukhuthaze izimfanelo zobudoda, ngaphandle kwalezo ezisiza ukufinyeleleka ukuqashelwa emphakathini. Kwakufanele acwengwe futhi avelele. Naphezu kobudlelwano obuhle noyise, wayehlala enamahloni ngobudoda bakhe. Ngicabanga ukuthi ukwedelela kukamama ngobaba nokungahloniphi kwakhe ngendima kababa negunya lakhe kwaba yisizathu esikhulu sokuntuleka kwendodana kokuziqhenya komuntu.

Lolu hlobo lobudlelwano bomama luthathwa ngokuthi "luthena" ubudoda bomfana, futhi singavumelana nalokhu - ngombandela wokuthi akusho ukuthi isifiso sangempela sikaFreudia sikamama sokunquma isitho senyoka noma sendodana yakhe. Ngokunjalo, ubaba ohlaza umkakhe phambi kwezingane uqeda inhlonipho yabo ngalowo wesifazane. Ukungahloniphi kwakhe ubulili besifazane kungabangelwa yindodakazi yakhe. Ngemibono yabo engemihle ngabesifazane, obaba bangafaka emadodakazini abo isimo esingesihle kubo ngokwenqaba ubufazi bakhe. Ngokunjalo, omama, ngesimo sabo sengqondo esingesihle ngendima yendoda yendoda noma eyabesilisa bebonke, bangesusa emadodaneni abo umbono omubi ngobudoda babo.

Kunabantu besilisa abathanda ubungqingili abathi, njengengane, bezwe uthando lukayise, kepha bengenakho ukuvikelwa kukayise. Omunye ubaba, ebhekene nobunzima bempilo, wafuna ukwesekwa yindodana yakhe, okwakuthathwa njengomthwalo osindayo, ngoba naye ngokwakhe wayedinga ukwesekwa kubaba oqinile. Abazali nezingane bashintsha izindawo ezimweni ezinjalo, njengakulezo zithandani ezithandana nobuntwana ezaziphoqwa ukuba zidlale indima yokuba ngumama konina. Ebudlelwaneni obunjalo, intombazane izwa ukuthi ayinakho ukubamba iqhaza komama ezinkingeni zayo ezijwayelekile nasekuqiniseni ukuzethemba kwayo njengabesifazane, okubaluleke kakhulu ngesikhathi sokuthomba.

Ezinye izinto: ubudlelwane bontanga

Sinezibalo eziqinisekisayo zobudlelwano ebuntwaneni bobungqingili nabazali babo. Kuye kwafakazelwa kaninginingi ukuthi, ngaphezu kobudlelwano obungenampilo nomama, abesilisa abathandana nabobulili obufanayo babenobudlelwano obubi noyise, kanti abesilisa abathandana nobulili obufanayo babenobudlelwano obubi kakhulu nomama wabo kunabesifazane abathandana nabobulili obufanayo noma ama-neurasthenics abesilisa nabesifazane abesilisa nabesifazane. Ngasikhathi sinye, kufanele kukhunjulwe ukuthi izici zabazali nezemfundo zilungiselela kuphela, ziyavuma, kepha azenzi juqu. Imbangela eyinhloko yobungqingili emadodeni akuyona ukunamathela kunina noma ukwenqatshwa ngubaba, noma ngabe buvame kangakanani ubufakazi bezimo ezinjalo ezifundweni zeziguli zobuntwana. Ubungqingili abuyona imiphumela eqondile yemizwa yokwenqatshwa ngumama, yize imvamisa yalesi sici ebuntwaneni. (Lokhu kulula ukubona uma ucabanga ngabantu abadala abaningi abathandana nabobulili obufanayo abathi, ebuntwaneni, bathola ukwaliwa ngumzali wabo wobulili obufanayo noma waze washiywa nguyena. Phakathi kwezigebengu nabantu abayizigelekeqe ezinganeni, ungathola abaningi abaye bahlushwa yizimo ezifanayo, kanye naphakathi kwezinzwa ezithinta abesilisa nabesifazane.)

Ngakho-ke, ubungqingili abuhlotshaniswa nobudlelwano bengane nobaba noma nengane nomama, kodwa nobudlelwano nontanga. (Ngamatafula nezibalo zezibalo bheka i-van den Aardweg, 1986, 78, 80; Nicolosi, 1991, 63). Ngeshwa, ithonya lendlela yendabuko ku-psychoanalyst ngentshisekelo yayo ecishe ibe yodwa ebudlelwaneni obuphakathi kwabazali nengane namanje likhulu kakhulu kangangokuba bambalwa kuphela abakholelwa kulolu lwazi ngenhloso ngokwanele.

Ngokulandelayo, ubudlelwano bontanga bungathinta kakhulu into ebaluleke kakhulu: umbono wentsha ngobudoda bayo noma ubufazi bayo. Ukuzibona kwentombazane, ngokwesibonelo, ngaphezu kwezimo ezinjengokungavikeleki ebudlelwaneni bayo nonina, ukunakwa ngokweqile noma ngokwanele okuvela kuyise, nakho kungathonywa ukuhlekwa ontanga, imizwa yokululazeka ebudlelwaneni nezihlobo, ubuhlanya, "ububi" - okungukuthi, ukuzibona amabi futhi awathandeki emehlweni abafana ngesikhathi sokuthomba, noma ukuqhathaniswa kwamalungu omndeni nabobulili obuhlukile ("nonke nikumalume wakho"). Okuhlangenwe nakho okunjalo okungahle kuholele enkingeni, okuxoxwa ngayo ngezansi.

Ubunzima bokuphelelwa yindoda / nowesifazane

“Umbono waseMelika Wobudoda! Kunezinto ezimbalwa kuphela ngaphansi kwezulu okunzima ukuziqonda, noma, ngenkathi ngisemncane, kunzima kakhulu ukuxolela. " Ngala mazwi, isitabane esimnyama nombhali uJames Baldwin (1985, 678) waveza umuzwa wokunganeliseki ngaye ngoba wayezibona esehlulekile ngenxa yokuntula ubudoda. Wakudelela lokho angakuzwisisi. Ngangizizwa ngiyisisulu salobu besilisa obunobudlova, ngilahliwe - ngingelutho, ngezwi elilodwa. Umbono wakhe "wobudoda baseMelika" wahlanekezelwa yilokhu kukhungatheka. Impela, kunezindlela zehaba - isimilo sokuziphatha noma "unya" ezigebengwini - ezingabonwa njengobudoda "bangempela" ngabantu abangakavuthwa. Kepha kukhona futhi isibindi samadoda esinempilo, nekhono kwezemidlalo, nokuncintisana, ukukhuthazela - izimfanelo eziphikisana nobuthakathaka, ukuzitika ngawe, imikhuba "yesalukazi" noma ukusebenza ngamandla. Ngesikhathi esemusha, uBaldwin wezwa ukuntuleka kwalezi zici ezinhle zobudoda nontanga, mhlawumbe esikoleni esiphakeme, ngesikhathi sokuthomba:

"Nganginokuhlanjalazwa ngokoqobo ... Imfundo yami nokuba mncane kwami ​​kwangiphikisa. Futhi ngahlupheka. " Ubegconwa "ngamehlo ezinambuzane" "nangentombazane", kodwa ubengazi ukuthi angazimela kanjani. Uyise wayengeke akwazi ukumeseka, ekubeni naye ayengumuntu obuthakathaka. UBaldwin wakhuliswa ngunina nogogo wakhe, futhi kwakungekho sici sowesilisa empilweni yale ngane ekhulisiwe. Umuzwa wakhe wokuqhelelana nezwe lamadoda waqina lapho ezwa ukuthi uyise akasiye owakhe. Umbono wakhe ngempilo ungachazwa ngala mazwi: "Bonke abafana, abanesibindi ukwedlula mina, bamelene nami." Igama lakhe lesidlaliso "baba" likhuluma nje ngalokhu: hhayi ukuthi wayeyintombazane ngempela, kodwa wayeyindoda mbumbulu, indoda ephansi. Cishe icishe ifane negama elithi "buthakathaka", licwebezele, njengentombazane, engalwi, kepha ebalekayo. UBaldwin angabeka icala ubudoda "baseMelika" ngalokhu okuhlangenwe nakho, kepha ongqingili emhlabeni wonke bagxeka ubudoda bamasiko abahlala kuwo ngoba bahlala bezizwa bengelutho kulokhu. Ngesizathu esifanayo, abesilisa abathandana nobulili obufanayo bayakudelela lokho, ngokuhlangenwe nakho okungekuhle, bakubona ngokungafanele “njengobufazi obunqunyiwe”: “ukugqoka, isidingo sokuba nentshisekelo kuphela emindenini yansuku zonke, ukuba intombazane enhle, emnandi,” njengoba kusho abathandana nobulili obufanayo baseDashi. Ukuzizwa ungowesilisa noma wesilisa omncane kunabanye kuyinkimbinkimbi ethile yabantu abathanda ubungqingili.

Empeleni, intsha yangaphambi kobungqingili ayizizwa nje “ihluke” (funda: “ungaphansi”), kodwa futhi ngokujwayelekile iziphatha ngesibindi (njengabesifazane) kunabontanga bayo futhi inezifiso ezingafani neze nobulili bayo. Imikhuba yabo noma ubuntu babo ku-atypical ngenxa yokukhuliswa noma ubudlelwano nabazali. Kukhonjiswe kaninginingi ukuthi ukungathuthuki kwezimfanelo zobudoda ebuntwaneni nasebusheni, okuvezwa ngokwesaba ukulimala emzimbeni, ukungazimiseli, ukungafuni ukubamba iqhaza emidlalweni eyintandokazi yabo bonke abafana (ibhola eYurophu naseLatin America, i-baseball e-USA) iqiniso lokuqala nelibaluleke kakhulu. ehambisana nobungqingili besilisa. Izithakazelo zakwa-Lesbian "zesifazane" kancane kunamanye amantombazane (bona izibalo zika-van den Aardweg, 1986). UHockenberry noBillingham (1987) baphethe kahle ukuthi "ukungabi bikho kwezimfanelo zobudoda, hhayi ubukhona besifazane, ukuthi ngaphezu kwakho konke kuthonya ukwakheka kobungqingili (indoda) yesikhathi esizayo." Umfana okukhona empilweni yakhe uyise owayekhona, futhi nethonya lakhe lowomama lalinamandla kakhulu, akakwazi ukukhula ubudoda. Lo mthetho, ngokuhlukahluka okuthile, uyasebenza empilweni yamadoda amaningi angongqingili. Kuyisici ukuthi ebuntwaneni babengakaze baphuphe ngokuba ngamaphoyisa, bengabambi iqhaza emidlalweni yobufana, bengazicabangi njengabasubathi abadumile, bengazithandi izindaba ze-adventure, njll. (UHockenberry kanye neBillham, ngo-1987). Ngenxa yalokho, bazizwa bephansi kwabo phakathi kontanga. Ama-Lesbians ebuntwaneni ezwa ukuthobeka okujwayelekile kobuntu babo besifazane. Lokhu futhi kuqhutshwa umuzwa wobubi bomuntu uqobo, okuqondakalayo. Esikhathini esandulela ukuthomba, nangesikhathi uqobo lwaso, osemusha uba nomqondo ngaye, wesikhundla sakhe phakathi kontanga - ingabe ngingowabo? Ukuziqhathanisa nabanye ngaphezu kwanoma yini enye kunquma umbono wakhe wezimpawu zobulili. Omunye osemusha owayenothando lobungqingili waqhosha ngokuthi akakaze azizwe engelutho, ukuthi indlela abona ngayo impilo ihlala ijabulisa. Ukuphela kwento, ngokombono wakhe, eyayimkhathaza - ukwenqatshwa kokuma kwakhe ngumphakathi. Ngemuva kokuzicabangela, wakuqinisekisa ukuthi wayephila impilo yokungakhathali ebuntwaneni futhi wazizwa ephephile nabazali bobabili (ababemnakekela ngokweqile), kodwa ngaphambi kokuqala kokuthomba. Wayenabangani abathathu ayekade engabangani nabo kusukela esemncane. Ngenkathi ekhula, wazibona esehlukaniswe nabo ngokwengeziwe, ngoba babedonsana kakhulu kuye kunakuye. Izintshisekelo zabo zithuthukisiwe ziqondiswa ezemidlalo ezinolaka, izingxoxo zabo bezimayelana nezihloko "zesilisa" - amantombazane nezemidlalo, futhi akakwazanga ukuhambisana nazo. Ubekulwela ukubalwa naye, edlala indawo yomuntu ojabulayo, akwazi ukujabulisa noma ngubani, ukuze azinake yena.

Yilapho into esemqoka ilele khona: wazizwa engelutho enkampanini yabangane bakhe. Ekhaya ubephephile, ekhuliswe njengomfana "othule" "oziphethe kahle", umama wakhe wayeziqhenya njalo ngemikhuba yakhe emihle. Akakaze aphikisane; "Kufanele ugcine ukuthula" kwakuyizeluleko zikanina azithandayo. Kamuva wabona ukuthi wayesaba kakhulu izingxabano. Isimo lapho kwakhiwa khona ukuthula kwakhe nobumnene "sasinobungane" kakhulu futhi sasingavumeli imizwa yomuntu engemihle ukuthi ibonakale.

Esinye isitabane sakhula nomama owayezonda konke okwakubonakala "kunolaka" kuye. Akazange amvumele amathoyizi "anolaka" njengamasosha, izimoto zamasosha noma amathangi; unamathisele ukubaluleka okukhethekile ezingozini ezahlukahlukene okusolakala ukuthi bezimphelezela yonke indawo; wayenemibono ethile ehlasimulisayo yenkolo engeyona enobudlova. Akumangalisi ukuthi indodana yalona wesifazane ompofu, ongahlaliseki naye wakhula enothando, ethembele, enovalo futhi enamahloni. Wancishwa ukuxhumana nabanye abafana, futhi wayekwazi ukuxhumana kuphela nomngane oyedwa noma ababili abanamahloni, abantu bangaphandle abafanayo njengaye. Ngaphandle kokungena ngokujulile ekuhlaziyweni kwezifiso zakhe zobungqingili, siyaqaphela ukuthi waqala ukuhehwa "yizwe eliyingozi kodwa elijabulisayo" lamasosha, ayevame ukumbona eshiya ikamu eliseduze. Lawa kwakungamadoda anamandla ayehlala ezweni elingajwayelekile, nelimangazayo. Iqiniso lokuthi wayethandwa yibo likhuluma, phakathi kokunye, ngemizwelo yakhe ejwayelekile yobudoda. Wonke umfana ufuna ukuba yindoda, yonke intombazane ifuna ukuba ngowesifazane, futhi lokhu kubaluleke kakhulu ukuthi lapho bezizwa bengafanelekile kule ndawo ebaluleke kakhulu empilweni, baqala ukukhonza ubudoda nobufazi bomunye umuntu.

Ukucaca, sizohlukanisa izigaba ezimbili ezihlukene ekukhuleni kwemizwa yobungqingili. Okokuqala ukwakheka kwemikhuba "yobulili obuhlukile" ezithakazelweni nasekuziphatheni, okwesibili kuyinkimbinkimbi yokwehliswa kowesilisa / nowesifazane (noma okuyinkimbinkimbi yokwehliswa ngokobulili), okungahle, kodwa hhayi ngempela, kuvele ngesisekelo salemikhuba. Ngemuva kwakho konke, nokho, kunabafana besilisa nabesilisa abangamadoda abangakaze babe ngabungqingili.

Ngaphezu kwalokho, ubunzima bokuphansi besilisa / besifazane ngokuvamile abwakhi ngokuphelele, kungaba ngaphambi noma ngesikhathi sokuthomba. Ingane ingakhombisa izici zobulili obuhlukile ngisho nasemabangeni aphansi esikole, futhi, ikhumbula lokhu, isitabane singakuhumusha lokhu njengobufakazi bokuthi bekulokhu kunjalo - kodwa, lo mbono awulungile. Akunakwenzeka ukukhuluma "ngobungqingili" kuze kube yilapho ubuso buveza umbono ozinzile wokungafaneleki komuntu njengendoda noma owesifazane (umfana noma intombazane), kuhlanganiswe nokuzilingisa (bheka ngezansi) namaphupho e-homoerotic. Ifomu likhanya ngesikhathi sokuthomba, kaningi ngaphambili. Kusebusheni lapho iningi lidlula khona emanzini aguqula impilo emibonweni yokuthuthuka kwengqondo. Ngaphambi kobusha, njengoba ongqingili abaningi bebeka ubufakazi, impilo ibonakala ilula futhi ijabulile. Ngemuva kwalokho umkhathi wangaphakathi umbozwe ngamafu isikhathi eside.

Abafana abangaphambi kobungqingili bavame ukuba nesizotha kakhulu, bathambe, besabe, babuthaka, kuyilapho amantombazane angaphambi kobungqingili enolaka, enamandla, "asendle" noma ezimele. Lapho lezi zingane sezifinyelele ebusheni, lezi zimfanelo, ikakhulu ngenxa yendima eziyifundisiwe (ngokwesibonelo, "ubukeka njengomfana"), ngemuva kwalokho zifaka isandla ekuthuthukiseni ukwehliswa kobulili kuzo lapho ziziqhathanisa nezinye izingane zobulili obufanayo. Ngasikhathi sinye, umfana ongazizwa ebudodeni kuye akazibandakanyi naye, nentombazane engabuzwa ubufazi bayo ayizami ukuzibonakalisa nemvelo yayo yobufazi. Umuntu uzama ukugwema lokho azizwa engelutho kuye. Kodwa-ke, akunakushiwo ngentombazane eyeve eshumini nambili engathandi ukudlala nonodoli noma ngokujwayelekile ivikele izindima zabesifazane, ukuthi inesimo sobungqingili. Ngubani ofuna ukukholisa abantu abasha ukuthi isiphetho sabo sobungqingili yisiphetho esedlule, kubeka ingozi ebulalayo ezingqondweni zabo futhi enze ukungabi nabulungisa okukhulu!

Ukuqedela isithombe sezinto ezibangela ukuthuthukiswa kwenkinga yokungabhekelelwa ngokobulili, siyabona ukuthi ukuziqhathanisa nezihlobo zobulili obufanayo kungadlala indima ebalulekile kulokhu. Ezimweni ezinjalo, umfana "uyintombazane" phakathi kwabafowabo, kanti intombazane "umfana" phakathi kodadewabo. Ngaphezu kwalokho, umbono wakho uqobo njengesixakaxaka uvame kakhulu. Umfana ucabanga ukuthi ubuso bakhe buhle kakhulu noma "uyintombazane", noma ukuthi ubuthakathaka, akaxakekile, njll., Njengoba nje intombazane icabanga ukuthi isibalo sayo asisona esabesifazane, ukuthi asisihle, noma ukunyakaza kwaso akukuhle, njll.

Ukuzenzisa ngokwakho kanye nokwakhiwa kwenkinga yokuphamba okuphansi

Ubungqingili abulona iqiniso ngokuphelele ngenxa yokwephulwa noma ukuntuleka kobudlelwano nomzali wobulili obufanayo kanye / noma ukunamathela ngokweqile kumzali wobulili obuhlukile, kungakhathalekile imvamisa yamacala obuhlobo beqiniso. Okokuqala, ubudlelwano obunjalo buvame ukubonwa emlandweni wama-pedophiles namanye ama-neurotic ocansi (Mor et al., 1964, 6i, 140). Ngaphezu kwalokho, abantu abaningi abathandana nabobulili obuhlukile babenobuhlobo obufanayo nabazali babo. Okwesibili, njengoba kuphawuliwe ngenhla, ukuziphatha nobulili obuhlukile kanye nezintshisekelo akuholeli ebungqingweni.

Kodwa-ke, ubunzima bokuphansi kobulili bungathatha izinhlobo eziningi, futhi amaphupho akhiqizwa ngakho angaqondiswa kuphela kumalungu amancane noma amadala abobulili obufanayo, kepha nasezinganeni zobulili obufanayo (i-pedophilia yobungqingili), futhi mhlawumbe nakubantu bobulili obuhlukile. Umuntu othanda owesifazane, ngokwesibonelo, uvame ukuba ngumuntu ohlupheka ngenye yezinhlobo zokuxaka kobulili. Isici esinqumayo sobungqingili ukucabanga. Futhi amaphupho aklanywa ukuzibona ngokwakho, umbono wabanye (ngokuya ngezimfanelo zabo zobulili), nemicimbi engahleliwe njengokuchaza oxhumana nabo emphakathini kanye nokuvela kokuthomba. Inkinga yokubhekelwa phansi kobulili iyitshe lokunyathela emibonweni eminingi yezocansi eyenziwe ukukhungatheka.

Ukuzwa ukungapheleli kobudoda noma ubufazi bomuntu kuqhathaniswa nontanga bobulili obufanayo kufana nokuzizwa ungeyena owakho. Abafana abaningi ababengaphambi kobungqingili babenomuzwa wokuthi "babengekho" koyise, abafowabo, noma abanye abafana, futhi amantombazane angaphambi kobungqingili azizwa "engewona" omama, odadewabo, noma amanye amantombazane. Ucwaningo lukaGreen's (1987) lungakhombisa ukubaluleka komqondo wokuthi "ungowalutho" kubunikazi bobulili nokuziphatha okuqinisekisa ubulili: kwamawele amabili afanayo, elilodwa liba ubungqingili kanti elinye liyingqingili. Lesi sakamuva saqanjwa ngokufana nobaba wabo.

Imizwa yokuthi "okungeyona eyeyakho", ukungaphansi kanye nesizungu iyaxhunywa. Umbuzo uwukuthi, le mizwa iholela kanjani ezifisweni zobungqingili? Ukuzwisisa lokhu, kuyadingeka ukucacisa umqondo wokuthi "ubuncane bokuphambuka."

Ingane nengane eyeve eshumini elinambili ziphendula ngokuzenzakalela kwimizwa yokwehliswa phansi futhi "okungeyona eyayo" ngokuzidabukela nokuzilingisa. Ngaphakathi, bazibona njengezidalwa ezidabukisayo, ezidabukisayo nezingajabule. Igama "ukuzilingisa" liqondile, ngoba liveza isifiso sengane sokuzibona njengesikhungo esibuhlungu somhlaba wonke. "Akekho ongiqondayo", "akekho ongithandayo", "wonke umuntu umelene nami", "impilo yami iyahlupheka" - umuntukazana akayemukeli futhi akakwazi ukwamukela lolu sizi, akaqondi ukuhlobana kwalo noma akakuboni njengento edlulayo. Impendulo yokuzidabukela inamandla kakhulu futhi kulula kakhulu ukuyidedela ngoba inomphumela othile othobisayo, kufana nozwela umuntu aluthola kwabanye ngezikhathi zosizi. Ukuzidabukela kuyafudumala, kuthoba, ngoba kukhona okuthile okumnandi kuwo. "Kukhona okuthile okuzibandakanya ekukhaleni," kusho imbongi yasendulo u-Ovid ("Sorrowful Elegies"). Ingane noma umuntu osemusha ocabanga ukuthi "ungimpofu kimi" angaba umlutha wale ndlela yokuziphatha, ikakhulukazi lapho ebalekela kuye futhi engenamuntu onokuqonda, ukwesekwa nokuzethemba ongamsiza abhekane nezinkinga zakhe. Ukuzilingisa kujwayelekile ikakhulukazi ebusheni, lapho osemusha ezizwa kalula njengeqhawe, okhethekile, ohlukile nasekuhluphekeni. Uma ukulutha kokuzidabukela kuqhubeka, khona-ke kuvela okuyinkimbinkimbi, okungukuthi, ubunzima obuphansi. Umkhuba wokucabanga ukuthi "nginezici ezimbi kimi" uhleli engqondweni. Yilo “muntu ompofu” okhona ezingqondweni zomuntu ozizwa eyindoda, engenasimilo, enesizungu futhi “engeyona eyontanga” yakhe.

Ekuqaleni, ukuzidabukela kusebenza njengomuthi omuhle, kepha ngokushesha nje uqala ukwenza njengesidakamizwa esigqilazayo. Ngalesi sikhathi, ngokungazi waba umkhuba wokuzithuthukisa, uthando lokugxilisa ingqondo. Impilo engokomzwelo iye yaba yi-neurotic empeleni: incike ekuzihaweleni. Ngenxa yokuqonda, i-egcerrism eqinile yengane noma eyeve eshumini nambili, lokhu kuyaqhubeka ngokuzenzakalela kuze kube yilapho kuphazamiseka umuntu othanda futhi aqinise kusuka emhlabeni wangaphandle. Isimo esinjalo siyohlala silimele, sihluphekile, sizidabukela, sihlala siyingane. Yonke imibono, imizamo nezifiso "zomntwana wesikhathi esedlule" zihlanganiswe kulokhu "komuntu ompofu."

"Okuyinkimbinkimbi" ngakho-ke kudla ukuzidabukela isikhathi eside, isikhalazo sangaphakathi ngakho uqobo. Akukho okuxakile ngaphandle kokuzidabukela kwezinsana (kwentsha). Imizwa yokuzenyeza ingahle ibekhona okwesikhashana, kepha izoqhubeka iphile uma ukuzisizela kugxilile, futhi imvamisa bayoba namandla futhi babe namandla eshumini nanhlanu njengoba babenjalo kwabayisihlanu. “Kuyinkimbinkimbi” kusho ukuthi imizwa yokuzenyeza seyizimele, iphindaphindeka, isebenza njalo, iba namandla kakhulu ngasikhathi sinye inciphe kwesinye. Ngokwengqondo, umuntu ngokwengxenye uhlala eyingane efanayo noma eyeve eshumini nambili njengoba ayenjalo, futhi eyeka ukukhula, noma akhule kanzima ezindaweni lapho kulawula khona imizwa yokungabukeki. Kwabobungqingili, lesi yisizinda sokuzibona ngokwezici zobulili nokuziphatha okuhlobene nobulili.

Njengabathwali benkinga yokubhekelwa phansi, ongqingili bangaziqhenyi "ngabasakhulayo". Ukukhononda ngesimo somuntu ngokwengqondo noma ngokomzimba, ngesimo esibi sabanye abantu maqondana nawe, ngempilo, isiphetho, kanye nemvelo kuyisici sabaningi babo, kanye nalabo abadlala indima yomuntu ojabule njalo. Njengomthetho, bona ngokwabo abazi ngokuncika kwabo ekuzidabukeleni. Babona izikhalazo zabo njengokufanelekile, kepha hhayi njengokuqhubeka kwesidingo sokukhononda nokuzidabukela. Lesi sidingo sokuhlupheka nokuhlushwa siyingqayizivele. Ngokwengqondo, lokhu kubizwa ngokuthi yi-quasi-need, okunamathiselwe enjabulweni yezikhalazo nokuzidabukela, kudlala indima ebuhlungu.

Kunzima ukuba abelaphi kanye nabafuna ubungqingili baqonde inqubo ephakathi ye-neurotic yesikhalazo nokuzisola. Esikhathini esiningi, labo abezwe ngomqondo wokuhawukela, babheka umcabango ngandlela thile wokuthi ukuzizwela okungenakuqonda kungaba okubaluleke kakhulu ekuthuthukiseni ubungqingili. Okuvame ukukhunjulwa futhi kuvunyelwane ngakho ngencazelo enjalo ngumqondo “wokuzibona uphansi”, kepha hhayi “ozihawukele”. Umqondo wokubaluleka kokuzisola okungenasici kwe-neurosis nobungqingili umusha ngempela; mhlawumbe uze uyamangaza uma uqala ukukubona. Kodwa-ke, uma ucabanga ngayo kahle futhi uyiqhathanisa nokubona komuntu, ungaqiniseka ngokusebenza kwayo ngokwedlulele ekucaciseni isimo.

3. Ukukhangwa ngobungqingili

Sesha uthando nokusondelana

"Indlala engokomzwelo ekukhulumisaneni nabesilisa," kusho uGreen (1987, 377), "iyaqhubeka inquma ukufunwa kothando lwabesilisa nokusondelana kobungqingili." Abacwaningi abaningi banamuhla benkinga yobungqingili bafinyelele kulesi siphetho. Lokhu kuyiqiniso uma ucabangela ubunzima bokululazeka kwabesilisa nokuzidabukela. Impela, umfana wayekwazi ukuntula inhlonipho nokunakwa ngubaba wakhe, kwezinye izimo - umfowabo noma ontanga yakhe, okwamenza wazizwa ehlazeka maqondana nabanye abafana. Isidingo somphumela somphumela empeleni siyisidingo sokuba ngowomhlaba wesilisa, wokuqashelwa nobungane balabo abezwa ngaphansi kwakhe.

Kepha, uma sesikuzwile lokhu, kufanele sigweme ukubandlulula okuvamile. Kunombono wokuthi abantu abangalutholi uthando ebuntwaneni futhi bahlukunyezwa ngokomqondo yilokhu bayakwazi ukupholisa amanxeba ngokomoya ngokugcwalisa ukuswela uthando. Izindlela ezinhlobonhlobo zokwelapha zincike kule ndawo. Akunjalo elula.

Okokuqala, akukhona ukungabikhona kothando okubaluleke kakhulu, kepha ukuqonda kwengane ngalo - futhi kuncike ekuchazeni. Izingane zingakuhumusha kabi ukuziphatha kwabazali bazo, futhi, ngokuthambekela kwazo okwemvelo kokulingisa yonke into, zingacabanga ukuthi azidingeki, kanti abazali bazo babi, futhi bonke banomoya ofanayo. Qaphela ukuthatha umbono wobusha wokuba ngumzali njengesinqumo esinqunyiwe!

Ngaphezu kwalokho, "ukungabi nalutho lothando" akugcwele ukuthululwa kothando okulula kubo. Futhi eqiniseka ukuthi lesi yisisombululo senkinga, osemusha ozizwa enesizungu noma ehlazekile uthi: “Uma ngithola uthando engilukhumbula kakhulu, ekugcineni ngizojabula.” Kepha, uma samukela umbono onjalo, sizophuthelwa iqiniso elilodwa elibalulekile ngokomqondo: ukuba khona komkhuba wokuhawukela wena. Ngaphambi kokuba osemusha ajwayele ukuzidabukela, uthando lungasiza ngempela ekunqobeni ukunganeliseki kwakhe. Kodwa lapho nje isimo se- “mpofu” sesivele simile, ukufuna kwakhe uthando akusasona isisusa esakhayo nesokuphulukisa, okuhloswe ngaso ukubuyisela ubuqotho. Lokhu kusesha kuba yingxenye yokuziphatha ngendlela eyisimanga: “Angisoze ngaluthola uthando engilufunayo!” Isifiso sinjalo aluthatheki futhi ukwaneliseka kwakhe akutholakali. Ukufunwa kothando lobulili obufanayo wukoma okungeke kusatshalaliswe kuze kube yilapho yomile umthombo wawo, isimo sengqondo sokuzibheka "njengomuntu ongazithokozi". Ngisho u-Oscar Wilde wakhala ngale ndlela: "Bengihlale ngifuna uthando, kodwa ngathola abathandi kuphela." Umama wesithandana owazibulala wathi, “Impilo yakhe yonke, uHelen ubelokhu efuna uthando,” kodwa-ke akazange aluthole (Hanson 1965, 189). Kungani-ke? Ngoba ngangidliwe ukuzidabukela ngesizathu sokuthi bebengamthandi abanye besifazane. Ngamanye amazwi, "wayengumuntu osemusha odabukisayo." Izindaba zothando lobungqingili empeleni ziyimidlalo. Lapho abathandi abaningi, ukwaneliseka okuncane ogulayo anakho.

Le ndlela yokuvuselela i-pseudo isebenza ngendlela efanayo nakwabanye abantu abafuna ukusondelana, futhi ama-neurotic amaningi ayakwazi lokhu. Isibonelo, omunye wesifazane osemusha wayenabathandekayo abaningana, futhi kubo bonke babemelela isithombe sobaba okhathalelayo. Kwakubonakala kuye ukuthi ngamunye wabo wayemphatha kubi, ngoba wayehlala ezihawukela ngoba engathandwa (ubudlelwano bakhe nobaba wakhe baba yisiqalo sokukhula komkhakha wakhe). Ukusondelana kungamphulukisa kanjani umuntu okhathazekile ngomqondo odabukisayo 'wokwaliwa' kwakhe?

Ukufuna uthando njengendlela yokududuza kobuhlungu bengqondo kungabangelwa nje futhi kube nokuzithoba. Omunye umuntu uthathwa njengoyedwa okufanele athande “ukungijabulisa”. Lokhu kucela uthando, hhayi uthando oluvuthiwe. Umuntu ongqingili angazizwa sengathi uyakhanga, unothando futhi unesibopho, kodwa empeleni lo ngumdlalo nje wokuheha omunye. Konke lokhu kungumbono wobuntu kanye nobuntu obukhulu.

"Uthando" lobungqingili

"Uthando" kulokhu kumele lufakwe kumamaki wokucaphuna. Ngoba akulona uthando lweqiniso, njengothando lowesilisa nowesifazane (ekukhuleni kwalo okuhle) noma uthando ebunganeni obujwayelekile. Eqinisweni, lokhu kungukuzizwa kwentsha - "uthando lwe-puppy", kanye nentando evusa inkanuko.

Abanye abantu abazwela ngokukhethekile bangacasulwa yilokhu kungagunci, kodwa kuyiqiniso. Ngenhlanhla, abanye abantu bakuthola kuwusizo ukubhekana neqiniso lokuphulukiswa. Ngakho-ke, lapho ezwa lokhu, isibonelo, omunye osemusha wobungqingili, wabona ukuthi wayenenkinga yokwedelelwa kowesilisa. Kepha uma kukhulunywa ngamanoveli akhe, wayengaqiniseki nakancane ukuthi angaphila ngaphandle kwalezi ziqephu ezingahleliwe "zothando" ezenza impilo iphelele. Mhlawumbe lolu thando lwalungeyona neze into enhle, kepha…. Ngimchazelile ukuthi uthando lwakhe wubuntwana obumsulwa, ukuzitika ngobugovu, ngakho-ke kuyinkohliso. Wacasulwa, ngaphezulu ngoba wayenokuzikhukhumeza nokuzikhukhumeza. Kodwa-ke, ngemuva kwezinyanga ezimbalwa wangishayela ucingo wathi yize eqale wachama, manje "uyaligwinya". Ngenxa yalokho, wezwa ukukhululeka futhi, amasonto ambalwa manje, ekhululekile ngaphakathi ekufuneni lezi zixhumanisi ze-egocentric.

Omunye onobungqingili ophakathi kweminyaka yobudala, ongumDashi, wakhuluma ngobuntwana bakhe obunesizungu, lapho ayengenabo abangane, futhi wayengumkhipha inyumbazane kubafana ngoba uyise wayeyilungu leqembu lamaNazi. (Ngihlangane nezimo eziningi zobungqingili phakathi kwabantwana “babaqaphi” beMpi Yezwe II.) Ngemuva kwalokho wahlangana nompristi osemncane ozwisisayo, noqondayo futhi wamthanda. Lolu thando lwaba yinto emangalisa kakhulu empilweni yakhe: phakathi kwabo kwakukhona ukuqonda cishe okuphelele; uthole ukuthula nenjabulo, kepha, maye, ngasizathu simbe, ubudlelwano babo abukwazanga ukuqhubeka. Izindaba ezinjalo zingaqinisekisa abantu abangafundile abafuna ukubonisa "ukunakekela": "Ngakho-ke uthando olungungqingili kwesinye isikhathi zikhona! " Futhi kungani ungaluvumeli uthando oluhle, noma ngabe aluhambisani nezindinganiso zethu zomuntu siqu? Kepha masingakhohliswa njengoba lo muntu waseDutch azikhohlisa. Ugeze ngemicabango yakhe yobusha enomuzwa womngane omuhle abekade ephupha ngaye. Uzizwa ungenalusizo, unosizi kanti - oh! - umfana omncane obucayi, olimele, ekugcineni wathola umuntu omnakayo, yena, amkhonzile futhi waphakanyiselwa ezingeni lesithombe. Kulobu budlelwano, wayekhuthazwa ngokuphelele ngobugovu; yebo, wanika umngani wakhe imali futhi wamenzela okuningi, kodwa-ke wamthengela uthando kuphela. Indlela yakhe yokucabanga kwakungeyona eyamadoda, eyizimpofu, eyisigqila.

Umuntu osemusha ozidabukisayo ubabongela ngqo labo, ngokombono wakhe, abanezimfanelo yena angenazo. Njengomthetho, ukugxila kobunzima obuphansi kubantu bobungqingili ukuncoma izimfanelo abazibonayo kubantu bobulili obufanayo. Uma uLeonardo da Vinci ekhangwa ama-punks asemgwaqweni, sinesizathu sokucabanga ukuthi wayezibona ukuthi uziphethe kahle futhi unemikhuba emihle. Umbhali wamanoveli waseFrance u-André Gide wayezizwa njengomfana owaziwayo waseCalvin owayengafanele ukuzihlalela nezingane ezinesibindi zontanga yakhe. Futhi lokhu kungagculiseki kwaletha injabulo enkulu kuye lapho ethanda izinkwa ezinganaki kanye nentshisekelo yokuchitha ubudlelwano nabo. Umfana, owayenomama ongazethembi, nonolaka, waqala ukubabaza abesilisa bohlobo lwezempi, ngoba wabona okuphambene ngokuphelele kuye. Iningi labantu besilisa abathandana nobulili obufanayo likhangwa yintsha "enesibindi" yokwakha kwezemidlalo, abantu abajabule nabasebenza kalula. Yilapho-ke lapho ukweqisa kwabo besilisa kucace kakhulu - abesilisa abesilisa abangahehi abesilisa abaningi abangongqingili. Lapho imizwa yowesifazane onobungqingili iqina, kulapho ezwa khona ukuthi ungowesifazane futhi uya ngokuya ephikelela efuna ubunjalo besifazane. Bobabili abalingani "bezithandani" zobungqingili - okungenani ekuqaleni - bakhangwa yizimfanelo zomzimba noma izici zobuntu zomunye, ezihambisana nobudoda (ubufazi), okuthi, njengoba becabanga, bona uqobo lwabo bangenalo. Ngamanye amagama, babona ubudoda noma ubufazi bomlingani wabo njengokuthi "bungcono" kakhulu kunokwabo, yize bobabili bengenabo ubudoda noma ubufazi. Into efanayo iyenzeka ngomuntu onolunye uhlobo lokuphansi okunzima: uyabahlonipha labo, ngokombono wakhe, abanamakhono noma imikhuba enjalo, ukungabi bikho kwakhe kumenza azizwe engelutho, noma ngabe lo muzwa awunampokophelo kulungisisiwe. Ngaphezu kwalokho, akunakwenzeka ukuthi owesilisa ofunelwa ubudoda bakhe, noma owesifazane ofunelwa ubufazi bakhe, angaze abambisane nowesilisa ongqingili noma ongqingili, ngoba lezi zinhlobo zivame ukuba ngabobulili obuhlukile.

Ukuzikhethela kobungqingili "okuhle" (kuze kufike lapho kungabizwa ngokuthi "ukukhetha") kunqunywa ikakhulu yimibono yasesifeni. Njengasendabeni yomfana owayehlala eduze kweziboshwa zamasosha futhi athuthukisa imicabango emayelana nebutho lezempi, noma yiliphi ithuba lingabamba iqhaza ekwakhiweni kwalezi zinto ezinhle. Le ntombazane, eyayijabha ngokuthi abafana esikoleni yahlekisa ngokugcwala kwakhe nokuthi "umthetho" (wasiza ubaba wakhe epulazini), waqala ukuncoma ofunda naye ekilasi elinomuntu omuhle, izinwele ezimfushane nayo yonke into ehlukile kuye. Le "ntombazane eqhamuka ezinganekwaneni" isibe uphawu lokufuna kwakhe lesbian esizayo. Kuliqiniso futhi ukuthi ukuntuleka kobudlelwano obusondelene nonina kwaba nomthelela ekwakhekeni kwakhe kokungabaza, kepha ukuheha kwabesilisa ngokobulili kwavuswa lapho aziqhathanisa naleya ntombazane ethile. Kuyangabazeka ukuthi imicabango yabantu abathandana nabobulili obuhlukile ingaqhamuka noma ikhule kuphela uma eba nobungane naleya ntombazane; eqinisweni, umngane wamaphupho akhe akhombisa ukungabi nandaba naye. Ekuthweni kwamantombazane, kuthambekele kukho uzizwe gust kwamanye amantombazane noma othisha abathandayo. Ngalo mqondo, i-lesbianism akulutho ngaphandle kokuhlanganiswa kwalezi zipho zentsha.

Osemusha ozizwa elulazekile uguqula lokho akufisayo ezinhlotsheni zobulili bakhe obuhle. Ukusondelana okuyimfihlo, okuyisipesheli, nokusondelana okwakuzofudumeza umphefumulo wakhe onesizungu kubonakala kuyinto efiselekayo kuye. Ekukhulekeleni, imvamisa ayigcini ngokugcizelela ubuntu noma uhlobo lobuntu, kodwa futhi iba nemizwa engathandeki ngalobu ubuntu. Isidingo senjabulo evela esithombeni (omzimba wakhe nokubukeka kwakhe kuyathandeka, kuvame ukuba nomona), kungaphenduka isifiso sokwenza uthando naye okuholela kumaphupho amabi.

Intokazi engowesifazane, emicabangweni yayo, ingakhungathekiswa yilokho yona, ekuvuthweni kwayo, okuthathela izimpawu zobudoda: amadoda agqoke izingubo zesikhumba, enamadevu, egibele isithuthuthu, njll. Ubulili babaningi bobungqingili bugxile ulanda... Bazifela ngezingubo zangaphansi, ipipi elikhulu, njll., Noma yini ekhombisa ukuthomba kwabo.

Ake sisho amagama ambalwa ngombono wokuthi ongqingili bafuna ubaba wabo (noma umama) kubalingani babo. Ngicabanga ukuthi lokhu kuyiqiniso ngokwengxenye kuphela, okungukuthi, kulindeleke kangakanani ukuthi umlingani abe nesimo sengqondo sikayise (noma somama) kubo, uma bengazitholi ngokwabo uthando lukababa noma lukamama nokuqashelwa. Kodwa-ke, noma kulezi zimo, inhloso yokusesha yile ubungani nomuntu omele ubulili bakho. Emicabangweni yabaningi, akuyona into engatheni / yobunina ethatha isinqumo njengokukhubazeka kwengane noma yobusha obuhambisana neqembu labo lobudala.

Ukuqothulwa kwentsha kwezithombe zobulili babo akuyona into eyingqayizivele ngokwayo. Umbuzo obalulekile uthi, kungani uthwebula umuntu aze anciphise abaningi, uma kungebona bonke, abashayela ngobungqingili? Impendulo, njengoba sesibonile, ilele emcabangweni ojulile wobuntwana maqondana nontanga yobulili bomuntu, umuzwa wokuthi “okungeyona eyakhe” nokuzihawukela. Abobulili obuhlukile banesimo esifanayo: kubonakala sengathi amantombazane athandana nezinkanyezi zesilisa ezingcwele ngokwedlule azizwa enesizungu futhi acabanga ukuthi awazithandi izinsizwa. Kubantu abathambekele ebungqingili, ukuheha izithombe zobulili babo kunamandla, kujula komqondo wabo "umehluko" ongenathemba kwabanye.

Izidakamizwa Zobungqingili

Umuntu ongqingili uhlala ezweni lemicabango, ngaphezu kwakho konke ezocansi. Osemusha ududuzwa yinkanuko yamaphupho othando. Ukusondelana kubonakala kuye kuyindlela yobuhlungu obugculisayo, izulu uqobo. Ulangazelela ubudlelwane obusondelene, futhi isikhathi eside uyayazisa le micabango ezweni lakhe elingaphakathi elivalekile, noma indlwabu, egxilile kula maphupho, lapho ebenza khona izigqila. Lokhu kungaqhathaniswa nokuluthwa umlutha wotshwala kanye nesimo senjabulo yamanga ekhiqizwe nguye kuyi-neurotic noma kubantu abebenezinye izinkinga: ukuphuma kancane kancane ezweni elingabikhona lemicabango efiselekayo.

Ukushaya indlwabu njalo kuqinisa la maphupho othando. Kwabaningi bobungqingili abasebasha abaningi, ukushaya indlwabu kuba yinto ewubala. Ngaphezu kwalokho, le ndlela ye-narcissism inciphisa inzalo nokweneliseka ngempilo yangempela. Njengezinye izidakamizwa, kuyizitebhisi ezihamba phambili eziholela ezansi lapho zifuna ukwaneliseka okukhulu kwezocansi. Ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, isifiso sokungena ebuhlotsheni obuzwelayo, iphupho noma iqiniso, seqa ingqondo. Umuntu umane akhathazeke ngalokhu, kubonakala sengathi impilo yakhe yonke igxile ekufuneni njalo abalingani abangaba nobulili obufanayo nokucatshangelwa okukhulu kwalowo nalowo ozobhapathizwa. Uma ubheka ukufaniswa okuthile emhlabeni wokulutha, lokhu kufana nokushesha kwegolide noma ukuthanda amandla, ingcebo yezinye izinzwa zemizwa.

Ukumangala "okungenakuphikiswa", ukuncoma ubudoda noma ubufazi kubantu abathambekele ebungqingili, kuyisizathu sokumelana nokushiya indlela yabo yokuphila, futhi, ngokufanele, amaphupho obungqingili. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, abajabuli ngakho konke, ngakolunye uhlangothi, banokuthambekela okuqinile kokuhlakulela ngasese le mibono. Kubo ukuyeka inkanuko yobungqingili ukwahlukana nakho konke okunikeza injongo empilweni. Ukulahlwa esidlangalaleni kobungqingili noma ukushushiswa ngokomthetho koxhumana nabo bobungqingili kungaphoqa abantu ukuthi bayeke le ndlela yokuphila. Ngokwalokho okwashiwo ngudokotela wezifo zengqondo waseDashi uJanssens, waveza ngaye ngo-1939 engqungqutheleni yezinkinga zobungqingili, ongqingili abaningi abayeki inkanuko yabo eyingozi, noma ngabe kubiza ukuboshwa kaninginingi. Indlela yokuphila yobungqingili ibonakala ngesifiso sokuhlupheka; Empilweni ejwayelekile, ngenkani uzokhetha ingozi yokuboshwa. Ubungqingili bungumuntu ohlukumezeka kabuhlungu, futhi ingozi yokujeziswa, mhlawumbe, inyusa nokuvuka kwakhe ekufuneni ubudlelwane bobungqingili. Namuhla, ongqingili bavame ngamabomu ukufuna abalingani abanegciwane lesandulela ngculaza, beqhutshwa yisifiso esifanayo sokuzibulala kabuhlungu.

Isisekelo salesi sifiso sobulili ukuzihawukela kwaso, ukuheha usizi lothando olungenakwenzeka. Ngalesi sizathu, ongqingili ekuxhumaneni kwabo kwezocansi abanendaba kangako kumlingani njengakufiswa kwemibono ngezifiso ezingagcwaliseki. Abamboni umlingani wangempela njengoba anjalo, futhi njengoba eqala ukuqashelwa ngokoqobo, ukuheha imizwa kuye kuyaphela.

Amanothi ambalwa angeziwe ngobulili bezitabane nezinye izidakamizwa. Njengokulutha utshwala noma izidakamizwa, ukwaneliseka kobulili bobulili obufanayo (ngaphakathi noma ngaphandle komshado wobungqingili, noma ngokushaya indlwabu) kungokuzibandakanya. Ubulili bobulili obufanayo abukwenzi uthando, kepha, ukubiza i-spade nge-spade, empeleni kuyisenzo esingesona esomuntu, njengokulingisa nesifebe. Izitabane "ezinolwazi" zivame ukuvumelana nalokhu kuhlaziywa. Inkanuko yobugovu ayigcwalisi isikhala, kepha ijulisa kuphela.

Ngaphezu kwalokho, kuyaziwa ukuthi imilutha yotshwala nezidakamizwa ijwayele ukuqamba amanga kwabanye nakubo ngokwabo ngokuziphatha kwabo. Abantu abayimilutha yezocansi, kubandakanya nabangqingili, nabo benza okufanayo. Umuntu ongqingili oshadile uvame ukuqamba amanga kumkakhe; ukuhlala emshadweni wobungqingili - kumlingani wakhe; ungqingili ofuna ukunqoba isifiso soxhumana nabo bobungqingili - kudokotela wakhe naye uqobo. Kunezindaba ezimbalwa ezibuhlungu zabungqingili abanezinhloso ezinhle abamemezele ikhefu ngemvelo yabo yobungqingili (ngenxa yokuguqulwa kwezenkolo, ngokwesibonelo), kepha kancane kancane babuyela kule ndlela yokuphila ebabayo (okubandakanya nenkohliso ejwayelekile). Futhi lokhu kuyaqondakala, ngoba kunzima kakhulu ukuhlala uqinile futhi unenkani esinqumweni sokuyeka ukondla lo mlutha. Bephelelwe lithemba ngalokhu kubuyiselwa emuva, laba bantu abasebunzimeni bayaphuma, bazitika ngokukhululeka kwalasha kwalomqondo wokubhujiswa ngokwengqondo nangokomzimba, njengoba kwenzekile ku-Oscar Wilde ngemuva nje kokuphenduka kwakhe ejele. Bezama ukusola abanye ngobuthakathaka babo futhi badambise onembeza babo, manje sebejahe ukuvikela ngonya ubungqingili futhi basole odokotela babo noma abeluleki abangamaKristu, ababenemibono ababekade babelana ngayo futhi balandela izinkomba zabo.

4. I-Neuroticism yobungqingili

Ubuhlobo bobungqingili

Akunasidingo sobunye ubufakazi: ubhadane lwengculaza lukhombise ngokucacile ukuthi ongqingili, ngobuningi babo, baziphethe kabi kakhulu ebudlelwaneni bezocansi kunabobulili obuhlukile. Inganekwane yamandla "ezinyunyana" zobungqingili (ngesiqubulo sabo esithi: "Uyini umehluko phakathi komshado wobungqingili, ngaphandle kobulili bomlingani?") Ayikho enye into ngaphandle kwenkulumo-ze ehlose ukuthola amalungelo emthethweni nokwamukelwa ngamasonto obuKristu. Eminyakeni eminingana eyedlule, uMartin Dannecker (1978), isazi sezokuhlalisana kwabantu kanye nobungqingili waseJalimane, wavuma ngokusobala ukuthi “ongqingili banobulili obuhlukile,” okungukuthi, izinguquko ezenziwa njalo kozakwethu zihambisana nobulili babo. Umqondo "womshado ohlala njalo," wabhala, wasetshenziswa isu lokudala umbono omuhle womphakathi ngobungqingili, kepha manje "sekuyisikhathi sokudabula iveli." Mhlawumbe budedengu ngokuthembeka okunjalo, ngoba umqondo "womshado ohlala njalo" usasebenza ngempumelelo ngezinhloso zokukhululwa, ngokwesibonelo, ukugunyaza ukwamukelwa kwezingane ngemibhangqwana engongqingili. Ngakho-ke, isihloko sobudlelwano sisahlanganiswa nesembozo samanga nokucindezelwa kwamaqiniso angafuneki. Udokotela wezifo zengqondo wobungqingili waseJalimane uHans Giese, odume ngeminyaka yama-60s kanye nasekuqaleni kwawo-70s, kuzo zonke izingxoxo zomphakathi noma inkundla yezobungqingili akazange aphuthelwe yithuba lokufaka umqondo wokuthi "kubambisene okuqinile futhi okuhlala isikhathi eside", okuyisibonelo salokho okusolwa ukuthi bekuyimpilo yakhe uqobo. Kepha ngenkathi ezibulala ngemuva kokuhlukana nomunye umthandi, abezindaba balidlulisa ngempumelelo leli qiniso buthule, ngoba ukhulume nje ephikisana "nombono wokwethembeka." Ngokufanayo, ngeminyaka yama-60s, isithombe esibuhlungu sika "Sista oculayo" waseBelgium savela esiteji. Eshiya isigodlo sezindela ngenxa "yothando" lobungqingili, wakhombisa wonke umuntu ubungqabavu bakhe nokuhambisana nemikhuba yenkolo. Eminyakeni eminingana kamuva, yena nenkosikazi yakhe batholwa beshonile, njengoba besho, ngenxa yokuzibulala (uma le nguqulo ithembekile; kodwa-ke, indawo yenhlekelele yayiyisigameko "sokufa egameni lothando").

Abakhululi ababili bobungqingili - isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo uDavid McWerter nodokotela wezifo zengqondo u-Andrew Mattison (1984) - bafunda imibhangqwana engamadoda angama-156 eqinile kakhulu. Isiphetho sabo: "Yize imibhangqwana eminingi engongqingili ingena ebudlelwaneni ngenhloso ecacile noma engagunci yokugcina ubunye bezocansi, imibhangqwana eyisikhombisa kuphela kulolu cwaningo yahlala yodwa ngokuzwana ngocansi." Lokho ngamaphesenti ama-4. Kepha bheka ukuthi kusho ukuthini ukuba "nomfazi oyedwa ngokuphelele ngokocansi": la madoda athi abengenabo abanye abalingani phakathi nesikhathi isikhathi esingaphansi kweminyaka emihlanu. Naka ulimi oluhlanekezelwe lwababhali: inkulumo ethi "ukugcinwa kobumbano kwezocansi" ayithathi hlangothi ngokokuziphatha futhi isebenza njengokubuyiselwa okungekuhle kwe "fidelity." Kepha lawo maphesenti e-4, singabikezela ngokunembile maqondana nawo ukuthi noma ngabe abengaqambi amanga, ubudlelwano babo "obuhlala njalo" buye bahlukana ngemuva kwesikhashana nje. Ngoba unjalo umthetho ongashintshi. Ukukhathazeka ngobungqingili ngeke kudalulwe: umlingani oyedwa bambalwa kakhulu ngoba ongqingili bahlala beqhutshwa ukomela okungagculisi lokuhlangana umngani ongafinyeleleki kusuka emiqondweni yabo. Ngamafuphi, ungqingili uyingane ehahayo, elambe ingunaphakade.

Igama elithi "i-neurotic»Ubuchaza kahle ubudlelwano obunjalo, agcizelele ukuqagela kwabo: ukufuna okungapheli ukunakwa; ukungezwani okuqhubekayo ngenxa yezikhalazo eziphindaphindwayo: "Awungithandi"; umona osolisayo: "Uthanda kakhulu omunye umuntu." Ngamafuphi, "ubudlelwano bezinzwa" buhilela zonke izinhlobo zamadrama nezingxabano zezingane, kanye nokuntuleka okuyisisekelo kothandana naye, kungasaphathwa izimangalo ezingenakubekwa "zothando." Ubungqingili abukhohliswanga kunoma yini enye njengokuzenza umlingani onothando. Umlingani oyedwa udinga omunye kuphela lapho ehlangabezana nezidingo zakhe. Uthando lwangempela, olungenabugovu lozakwethu olufunayo empeleni luzoholela ekubhujisweni "kothando" lobungqingili! "Izinyunyana" zobungqingili ubuhlobo obuxhomeke "kwabampofu" bobabili, obungenwe yibo bodwa.

Amandla okuzibhubhisa nokuzenzela

Iqiniso lokuthi ukunganeliseki kungumgogodla wendlela yokuphila yobungqingili kulandela kusuka ezingeni eliphakeme lokuzibulala phakathi kwabantu "abazibiza" ngobungqingili. Isikhathi nesikhathi indawo yokwamukela izitabane idlala usizi "lokushayisana konembeza" kanye "nenkinga yengqondo" okusolwa ukuthi ongqingili bacwiliswa yilabo abathi ubungqingili buziphethe kabi futhi bunezinzwa. Ngaleyo ndlela, abampofu, ungaletha ukuzibulala! Ngiyazi ngesinye sezigameko zokuzibulala izitabane ezingamaDashi ezazibiza ngokuthi "ukungqubuzana konembeza" okwadalwa ubungqingili, okwabe sekuzwakala kakhulu kukhala kwabezindaba. Le ndaba ebuhlungu yatshelwa umhlaba ngumngani kamufi, owayefisa ukuziphindiselela kumfundisi oyedwa owayenethonya, owamthuka ngenkulumo yakhe engakhethi ngobungqingili. Eqinisweni, umngani wakhe oneshwa wayengeyena ubungqingili nakancane. Ongqingili okusolwa ukuthi sebenqobe izingxabano zikanembeza "ezibekwe" kubo, bazibulala kaningi kakhulu kunabobulili obufanayo bobudala obufanayo. Ucwaningo olwenziwa ngo-1978 nguBell noWeinberg lweqembu elikhulu labangqingili lwathola ukuthi ama-20% abo azama ukuzibulala, asuka ku-52% aya ku-88% ngezizathu ezingahlobene nobungqingili. Ongqingili bangafuna noma bavuse izimo lapho bezizwa bengamaqhawe adabukisayo. Imibono yabo yokuzibulala kwesinye isikhathi iba ngesimo "semibhikisho" esabekayo emelene nezwe elibazungezile ukuze bakhombise ukuthi abaqondwa kahle kanjani nokuthi baphathwa kabi kanjani. Ngokwazi, bafuna ukugeza ngokuzidabukela. Yikho lokhu okwakhuthaza isimilo esingajwayelekile sikaTchaikovsky lapho ephuza ngamabomu amanzi angcolile avela eNeva, aholela ekuguleni okubulalayo. Njengabathandi be-neurotic romantics bekhulu leminyaka elidlule abazicwilisa e-Rhine, baziphonsa kuyo kusuka eweni laseLorelei, ongqingili bosuku lwethu bangafuna ngamabomu abalingani abane-HIV ukuze baqinisekise inhlekelele. Omunye ongungqingili ngokuziqhenya wamemezela ukuthi wayithola ngamabomu ingculaza ukuze akhombise "ubumbano" nabangane abaningana ababulawa yilesi sifo. "Ukugcotshwa" kwezizwe kobungqingili ababulewe yingculazi kunomthelela kulokhu kufela ukholo ngokuzithandela.

Ukuhlukunyezwa ngokocansi nakho kukhombisa ukunganeliseki kwe-neurotic. Ucwaningo olwenziwe nguMacWerter noMatison luthole u-43% wemibhangqwana engqingili engenamandla. Esinye isibonakaliso socansi lwe-neurotic ukucindezela indlwabu. Eqenjini elifanayo lokutadisha, ama-60% asebenzise indlwabu ama-2-3 amahlandla ngesonto (ngaphezu kokuya ocansini). Ongqingili nabo babonakala ngokuhlanekezela okuningi kwezocansi, ikakhulukazi ama-masochism kanye ne-sadism; hhayi okwehlukile kanye nobulili obusezinsaneni ngokweqile (isb. ukuthatheka ngezingubo zangaphansi, ucansi lokuchama nolungcolile).

Ukuhlala kwentsha: izinsizwa

Ngaphakathi, isitabane yingane (noma eyeve eshumini nambili). Lo mkhuba waziwa ngokuthi "yingane ekhonondayo yangaphakathi". Abanye ngokomzwelo bahlala besakhula cishe kuzo zonke izici zokuziphatha; ngobuningi, kuye ngendawo nezimo, "ingane" iyashintshana nomuntu omdala.

Kumuntu wobungqingili osekhulile, isimilo, imizwa nendlela yokucabanga yentsha ezizwa ibukelwa phansi ijwayelekile. Uhlala - ngokwengxenye - eyisizungu esingenakuzivikela, esingajabule, njengoba ayesathomba: unamahloni, uvalo, unamathele, "ulahliwe", umfana onengxabano, ezizwa elahliwe nguyise nontanga ngenxa yokubukeka kwakhe okungathandeki (ukuqumba, umlomo wonogwaja, isiqu esincane: yini, ngokombono wakhe, engahambelani nobuhle besilisa); konakele, umfana we-narcissistic; insizwa, ozikhukhumezayo, umfana oqhoshayo; umfana ongacabangi, ofuna ngenkani, kodwa oyigwala, njll. Konke okulondolozwe ezicini zomfana (noma kwentombazane) kugcinwe ngokuphelele. Lokhu kuchaza izici zokuziphatha, njengokukhuluma kwengane kwabanye ongqingili, ubuthakathaka, ubuqili, ukunakekelwa komzimba, indlela yokukhuluma, njll. Owesifazane ongqingili angahlala eyintombazane esengozini, ehlubukayo; tomboy; abaphathi ngendlela yokulingisa ukuzethemba kwesilisa; intombazane ecasuke ingapheli, ecasukile, nonina “engakaze abe nesithakazelo kuye,” nokunye. Intsha engaphakathi komuntu omdala. Futhi bonke ubusha busekhona: umbono wakho, wabazali bakho nabanye abantu.

Njengoba sekushiwo, ukuzibona okuvame kakhulu ukucasulwa, ukwaliwa, "ukungihlupha". Ngakho-ke intukuthelo yobungqingili; “baqoqa ukungabi nabulungisa,” njengoba kusho udokotela wezifo zengqondo uBergler, futhi bathambekele ekuzibukeni njengezisulu. Lokhu kuchaza ukuzilingisa okungafihliwe kwezishoshovu zabo, ezisebenzisa ngobuhlakani imizwa yazo ukuthola ukwesekwa ngumphakathi. Bejwayele ukuzidabukela, baba ngabakhalazi bangaphakathi (noma abavulelekile), imvamisa abakhonondayo abangapheli. Ukuzidabukela akukude nombhikisho. Kwabaningi abathandana nobungqingili, ukuhlubuka kwangaphakathi (noma okuvulekile) nobutha kwabaphula umthetho kanye "nomphakathi" kanye nokuzethemba okujwayelekile.

Konke lokhu kuthinta ngqo ubunzima othandweni lobungqingili. Inkimbinkimbi yakhe iqondisa ukunaka kwakhe kuye; njengengane, ufuna ukunakwa, uthando, ukuqashelwa nokumncoma. Ukugxila kwakhe kuye kuphazamisa ikhono lakhe lokuthanda, ukuba nentshisekelo kwabanye, ukubhekela abanye, ukunikela nokukhonza (kufanele kukhunjulwe ukuthi kwesinye isikhathi insizakalo ingaba yindlela yokuheha ukunaka nokuziqinisa). Kodwa "Kungenzeka yini ... ukuthi ingane ikhule uma ingathandwa?" Kubuza umbhali uBaldwin (Siering 1988, 16). Kodwa-ke, ukubeka inkinga ngale ndlela kumane kudidanise izinto. Ngoba ngenkathi umfana obefisa uthando lukayise engalulama impela ukube ubethole umuntu onothando ozovala isikhala sikayise, ukungakhuli kwakhe nokho kungumphumela wokuziduduza kokungabi naluthando okucabangayo, futhi hhayi umphumela wokuntuleka kothando njengoba enjalo. Umuntu osemusha ofunde ukwamukela ukuhlupheka kwakhe, ethethelela labo abamcasulile - imvamisa engazi ngakho, ekuhluphekeni akasebenzisi ukuzidabukela nokubhikisha, kulokhu ukuhlupheka kumenza avuthwe ngokwengeziwe. Njengoba umuntu e-egocentric ngokwemvelo, lokhu kukhula ngokomzwelo ngokuvamile akwenzeki ngokwako, kepha kukhona okuhlukile, ikakhulukazi lapho osemusha ophazamisekile emoyeni enokuthile esikhundleni somzali ongameseka kule ndawo. UBaldwin, eqiniseka ngokungakwazi ukukhula kwengane engathandwa - kungenzeka ukuthi, ukhuluma ngaye uqobo - unenkinga yokufa futhi akalibheki iqiniso lokuthi nengane (futhi impela insizwa) inenkululeko ethile futhi ingafunda ukuthanda. Ama-neurotic amaningi anamathela ekuziphatheni okunjalo okuzenzekelayo "akaze athandwe yinoma ngubani" futhi ahlala efuna uthando nenxephezelo kwabanye - kusuka kwabashadile, abangane, izingane, emphakathini. Izindaba zezigebengu eziningi ezinemizwa efanayo ziyefana. Kungenzeka ukuthi bahlupheka ngempela ngenxa yokungabi naluthando emindenini yabo, baze balahlwa, bahlukunyezwa; kodwa-ke, isifiso sabo sokuziphindiselela, ukungabi nesihawu kwabo ngomhlaba owawunesihluku esingaka kubo, kumane nje kuyizenzo zobugovu ekusweleni kothando. Le nsizwa ezithandayo yona iba sengozini yokuba ngumthandi ongaziphenduli ozonda abanye, yena uqobo abe yisisulu sokuzidabukela. UBaldwin uqinisile maqondana nemizwa yakhe yobungqingili, ngoba ayisho uthando lweqiniso, kepha ukomela kokufudumala nomona kuphela.

"Ingane engaphakathi" ibheka ngezibuko zobunzima bokubhekelwa phansi kobulili bayo kubamele hhayi kuphela ubulili bayo, kepha futhi nokwehlukile. “Ingxenye yobuntu - eyabesifazane - ayizange ibe khona kimi kuze kube muva nje,” kuvuma omunye wobungqingili. Kwabesifazane, wabona isithombe sikamama onakekelayo, njengoba kwesinye isikhathi eshadile ongqingili abashadile, noma izimbangi ekuzingeleni ukunakwa kwabesilisa. Ukusondelana nowesifazane ontanga efanayo kungasongela kakhulu ubungqingili, ngoba maqondana nabesifazane abadala, uzizwa njengomfana ongafinyeleli endimeni yendoda. Lokhu kuyiqiniso futhi ngaphandle komongo wezocansi wobudlelwano bendoda nowesifazane. AmaLesbiya nawo abona amadoda njengezimbangi: ngokombono wawo, umhlaba ubuyoba ngcono ngaphandle kwamadoda; eduze kwendoda, bazizwa bengaphephile, ngaphandle kwalokho, amadoda ahamba nezintombi zawo. Ongqingili kaningi abayiqondi incazelo yomshado noma ubudlelwano phakathi kowesilisa nowesifazane; bababheka ngomona futhi kaningi ngenzondo, ngoba yona kanye “indima” yobudoda noma yesifazane iyabacasula; ngazwi linye, ukubuka komuntu wangaphandle ozwa sengathi ubukelwe phansi.

Ngokomphakathi, ongqingili (ikakhulukazi abesilisa) kwesinye isikhathi baba yimilutha yokuvusa ukuzwelana nabo. Abanye benza ihlelo langempela lokwakha ubungane obungenasisekelo ngokwengeziwe, ukuba nekhono lobuciko bezintelezi, futhi banikeze umbono wokuthi bangabantu abanobungane. Bafuna ukuba ngabafana abathandekayo, abathandwa kakhulu enkampanini yabo - lokhu kuwumkhuba wokukhokha ngokweqile. Kodwa-ke, abavamile ukuzizwa behambisana nabanye: kungaba phansi noma ngaphezulu (ukunxeshezelwa ngokweqile). Ukuziqinisa ngokweqile kunophawu lokucabanga kwengane nemizwa yobuntwana. Isibonelo esibuhlungu salokhu yindaba yongqingili osemncane, omfishane, onamehlo aphambene waseDashi. Ezizwa engaziwa njengontanga yakhe ehehayo futhi ecebile, uthathe isinqumo sokwenza amaphupho akhe emali, udumo nokunethezeka afezeke (Korver kanye neGowaars 1988, 13). Ukulwela ukuziqinisekisa, wathola umcebo ohlaba umxhwele eneminyaka yobudala engaphezudlwana nje kwamashumi amabili. Esigodlweni sakhe eHollywood, waphonsa imicimbi emikhulu, eyayethanyelwe ukhilimu womphakathi. Ngokusebenzisa imali eningi kubo, empeleni wathenga umusa wabo nokunakwa kwabo. Waba yinkanyezi, wayehlala ezungezwe abalandeli, egqoke kahle futhi ezilungiswe kahle. Manje wayesengakwazi ukukhokhela abathandi bakhe. Kepha empeleni, wonke umhlaba wezinganekwane owaba ngokoqobo wawungamanga - konke lokhu "ubungane", "uthando", "ubuhle", konke lokhu "impumelelo emphakathini." Noma ngubani owazi ukubaluleka kwendlela enjalo yokuphila uyakuqonda ukuthi akunangqondo kangakanani. Yonke le ngcebo yayiqokelwe ukuthengiswa kwezidakamizwa, ubuqili nobuqili. Ukuziphatha kwakhe kwakumngcele wokusebenza kwengqondo: wayengenandaba nesiphetho sabanye, izisulu zakhe, "wakhombisa ulimi lwakhe" emphakathini ngenjabulo eyize yokuziphindiselela. Akukhathalekile ukuthi wabulawa yingculazi eneminyaka engama-35, ngoba, njengoba aziqhayisa ngaphambi nje kokufa kwakhe, wayephila impilo "ecebile". Isazi sokusebenza kwengqondo sizobona emqondweni wakhe "ingane", "ingane" edumele; isinxibi, umuntu wangaphandle onengekayo, olambele ingcebo nabangane; ingane ekhule inesidina, ingakwazi ukusungula ubudlelwano babantu abavuthiwe, umthengi odabukisayo "wobungane." Ukucabanga kwakhe okulimazayo maqondana nomphakathi kudalwe umuzwa wokwenqatshwa: "Angibakweti lutho!"

Ukucabanga okunjalo akuyona into ejwayelekile kubantu abathandana nobungqingili, ngoba lobu butha bubangelwa yinkimbinkimbi yokuthi "okungekhona okwabo". Ngalesi sizathu, ongqingili babhekwa njengezinto ezingathembeki kunoma yiliphi iqembu noma inhlangano. “Ingane yangaphakathi” kubo iyaqhubeka nokuzizwa ilahliwe futhi iphendula ngenzondo. Abantu abaningi abathandana nobungqingili (bobabili abesilisa nabesifazane) bafuna ukudala owabo umhlaba, wokukhohlisa, umhlaba ongaba "ngcono" kunokuba owangempela, "onomusa"; ukuntweza, ukuhexisa, okugcwele "izikhathi", isimanga nokulindelwe, imihlangano ekhethekile nabajwayele, kepha eqinisweni kugcwele ukungaziphathi kahle nokuxhuma okuphezulu: ukucabanga kwentsha.

Kubantu abanenkinga yobungqingili, ubudlelwane obungokomzwelo nabazali babo buhlala bunjalo njengoba babesebuntwaneni nasebusheni: emadodeni, ukuncika kunina; ukunengeka, ukwedelela, ukwesaba, noma ukungabi nandaba nobaba; imizwa engaqondakali ngomama (futhi kaningi) ukuncika ngokomzwelo kubaba kwabesifazane. Lokhu kungavuthwa ngokomzwelo kubuye kubonakale eqinisweni lokuthi bambalwa ongqingili abafuna izingane ngoba bona ngokwabo, njengezingane, bagxile kakhulu emicabangweni yabo futhi bafuna konke ukunakwa kube kwabo.

Isibonelo, ongqingili ababili abathole ingane kamuva bavuma ukuthi bafuna nje ukuzijabulisa, “kube sengathi uyinja ethambile. Wonke umuntu wasinaka lapho thina, ongqingili abanobungqingili, singena salon naye. " Imibhangqwana yama-Lesbian efisa ukuba nengane iphishekele imigomo yobugovu efanayo. "Badlala ngendodakazi kamama", ngaleyondlela baphonsela inselelo umndeni wangempela, besebenzisa izinhloso ezikhukhumezayo zengqondo enokuqina. Kwezinye izimo, balwela ngenkani ukuhlanganyela nendodakazi yabo yokutholwa ebudlelwaneni bobungqingili. Umbuso, obhalisa ngokomthetho ubudlelwano obunjalo obungeyona imvelo, ubeka icala kulokhu okudala, kodwa udlame olukhulu kubantwana. Abaguquki bezenhlalo abazama ukuphoqa imibono yabo yobuhlanya mayelana "nomndeni", kufaka phakathi umndeni wobungqingili, badukisa umphakathi, njengakwezinye izindawo ezihlobene nobungqingili. Ukwenza lula ukwamukelwa ngokusemthethweni kokutholwa "ngabazali" bobungqingili, baphendukela ekuboniseni izifundo "ezifakazela" ukuthi izingane ezikhuliswa ngabungqingili zikhula ziphilile engqondweni. "Izifundo" ezinjalo azilifanele iphepha elibhalwe kulo. Lawa ngamanga we-pseudosci science. Noma ngubani onemininingwane ethembekile kakhulu ngezingane ezazinabo “bazali” futhi ethola ukuthuthukiswa okufanele uyazi ukuthi yisiphi isimo akuso futhi esidabukisayo akuso. (Ukukhohlisa ekucwaningeni kwabazali abathandana nobungqingili, bheka uCameron 1994).

Ukufingqa: izici eziyinhloko ze-psyche yengane nentsha ukucabanga nokuzwela. Ubuntu bobuntwana nobokuthomba komuntu omdala onenkimbinkimbi yobungqingili bugcwele ubuntwana futhi kwesinye isikhathi ubugovu obukhulu. Ukuzidabukela kwakhe okungazi lutho, ukuzidabukela kwakhe kanye nesimo sengqondo esifanayo kuye, kanye nokuheha "okunxephezelayo" ebuhlotsheni obunobungqingili ngenhloso "yokuheha ukunakwa" nezinye izindlela zokuzanelisa nokuzithokozisa, konke kuyizinsana, okungukuthi, i-egocentric. By the way, abantu nge-intuituit bazizwa "bengane" enjalo futhi bathatha isikhundla sokuvikela maqondana nelungu lomndeni wobungqingili, umngane noma osebenza naye wobungqingili, bemthatha empeleni njengengane ekhethekile, "esengozini".

Akungatshazwa ukuthi ubudlelwano bobungqingili kanye “nezinyunyana” kuphawulwa ngezimpawu zobuntwana. Njengobuhlobo babangani ababili besifuba, lobu ubungane busha bugcwele umhawu ongasho lutho, ukuxabana, ukunganeliseki, ukungacasuki kanye nokusongelwa, futhi kugcina ngomdlalo. Uma "bedlala umndeni", khona-ke lokhu kungukulingiswa kwengane, ukuhlekisa futhi ngasikhathi sinye kube kubi. Umlobi wobungqingili waseDashi uLuis Cooperus, owayephila ekuqaleni kwekhulu lama-20, wakhuluma ngomnqweno wakhe wobuntwana wobungane nomalume wakhe ojabule, oqinile, onokwethenjelwa:

“Bengifuna ukuba noMalume uFrank njalo, kuze kube phakade! Emibonweni yami yobuntwana, ngangicabanga ukuthi mina nomalume wami singabashade naye ”(Van den Aardweg 1965). Enganeni, umshado ojwayelekile usebenza njengesibonelo sokuthi ababili bangahlala kanjani ndawonye. Izingane ezimbili ezinesizungu ezidabukisayo ngaphakathi ezingqingili ezimbili zingalingisa ubudlelwano obunjalo emaphusheni abo - inqobo nje uma umdlalo usaqhubeka. Le yimicabango yezingane ezimbili ezingenamqondo enqatshelwe ngumhlaba. Omunye umagazini wathumela isithombe somcimbi "womshado" ehholo ledolobha lama-lesbibi amabili aseDashi. Akungabazeki ukuthi kwakuwumbukiso wentsha wokuzimela nokuziqinisa, kodwa futhi nomdlalo osobala womndeni. Omunye walaba besifazane ababili, omude futhi osindayo, wayegqoke isudi yomkhwenyana omnyama, kanti omunye, omfishane futhi omncane, egqoke ingubo kamakoti. I-parody yezingane yokuziphatha komalume nomalume omdala kanye "nokuzinikela okuphakade" Kepha abantu ababizwa ngokujwayelekile baziphatha njenge-crazier, njengokungathi bawuvumela ngokungathi sína lo mdlalo. Ukube bebethembekile kubo uqobo, bekuzofanela bavume ukuthi izingqondo nemizwa yabo ibona konke okwenzekayo njengehlaya elibi.

I-Neurotic ngenxa yokubandlululwa?

"Kusukela ebuntwaneni ngangihlukile kubo bonke abantu." Ongqingili abaningi, mhlawumbe isigamu, bangasho lo muzwa. Kodwa-ke, banephutha uma belinganisa imizwa yokwehluka nobungqingili. Ukwamukelwa ngephutha kokuhlukaniswa komuntu ebuntwaneni njengesibonakaliso nobufakazi bemvelo yobungqingili kuqinisekisa isifiso sokuchaza ngokunengqondo ngempilo yobungqingili, njengasendabeni yomsebenzi owamenyezelwa kahle we-psychoanalyst yobungqingili u-R. U-Aiseya (1989). Okokuqala, umbono wakhe wobungqingili awukwazi ukubizwa ngokuthi umbono. Akawuphenduli umbuzo ngesizathu (izizathu), azibheke "zingabalulekile", ngoba "akukho okungenziwa ngakho" (Schnabel 1993, 3). Noma kunjalo, lo mqondo awuhambisani neze nesayensi. Kungenzeka yini ukuthi izimbangela zomdlavuza, ubugebengu, ukuphuza ngokweqile kungabalulekile ngoba nje asikwazi ukwelapha izinhlobo eziningi zalezi zifo? Ukucasuka nombono wokugxeka kombhali kube ngumphumela womshado wakhe ophukile nokwehluleka kwakhe ekusebenzeni kwengqondo. Wazama, kepha wehluleka, wabe esephepha isu elijwayelekile, lokuzithethelela: ukubiza imizamo yokuguqula ongqingili, laba abahlukunyezwayo ngokubandlululwa, ubugebengu, kanye "nemvelo" yabo, iqiniso elingenakuphikwa ngaphandle kokungabaza. Baningi kakhulu ongqingili abangazethembekile abaye basabela ngale ndlela. Umanduleli waseFrance wenhlangano yobungqingili u-André Gide, eshiya umkakhe futhi eqala ezokuzijabulisa kwabantwana, uthathe indawo elandelayo emangalisayo eminyakeni engamashumi amabili: “Ngiyikho engiyikho. Futhi akukho okungenziwa ngakho. " Lesi yisimo sokuzivikela sokwehlulwa okuzidabukisayo. Kuyaqondakala, mhlawumbe - kepha usazikhohlisa. Umuntu odela izinto uyazi ukuthi balahlekile ngenxa yokuntula ukuqina nokwethembeka. U-Aisei, ngokwesibonelo, kancane kancane wehla waphila impilo embaxambili yokufuna ngasese ubungqingili nobaba nodokotela ohlonishwayo. Kulokhu ufana nalabo "ababeyizitabane" abanethemba lokushiya ubungqingili ngokuguqukela ebuKristwini, kepha abakwazi ukusungula ukuqiniseka kwabo okungavuthiwe "kwenkululeko," futhi ekugcineni balahle lonke ithemba. Ngaphezu kwalokho, bahlushwa "unembeza onecala". Izincazelo zabo azitshelwa ngomqondo, kepha zivikelwa.

Njengodokotela wezifo zengqondo, u-Aisei akakwazi kodwa ukuvuma ukuba khona kwezici eziningi "zokugula neziphendukezelwe" kubungqingili (uSchnabel), kepha nokho uzichaza njengomphumela wokwaliwa isikhathi eside: ngubaba wakhe, ontanga, nomphakathi. I-Neurotic? Le yimiphumela yobandlululo. Lo mbono awumusha; kuhlala kusetshenziswa kulabo bobungqingili abavuma ukuthi banemizwa ye-neurotic, kepha bagweme ukubheka ubungqingili babo ngeqiniso. Kodwa-ke, akunakwenzeka ukuhlukanisa isifiso sobungqingili ne-neurosis. Sekukaningi ngizwa kumakhasimende: “Ngifuna ukuqeda i-neurosis, iphazamisa ukuxhumana kwami ​​nobungqingili. Ngifuna ukuba nobudlelwano bezocansi obenelisayo, kodwa angifuni ukushintsha indlela engiziphatha ngayo kwezocansi. " Ungasiphendula kanjani isicelo esinjalo? “Uma siqala ukusebenzela imizwa yakho engavumelani nezinkinga zakho nokuzenyeza, kuzothinta imizwa yakho yobungqingili. Ngoba ziwukubonakaliswa kwe-neurosis yakho. " Futhi kunjalo. Ukucindezelwa okuncane umuntu ongqingili anakho, uzinza ngokwengeziwe ngokomzwelo, eba ngongacabangi kangako, futhi nobungqingili buzizwe buncane kuye.

Umbono wangaphandle wokuzivikela ka-Aisei - nowabanye ongqingili - ungabonakala ucindezela impela. Kodwa-ke, maqondana namaqiniso engqondo, uqala ukuwohloka. Ake sicabange ukuthi "imvelo yobungqingili" ngandlela thile izuze njengefa ingane kusukela izalwa noma itholwe kungekudala nje emva kokuzalwa. Kungenzeka yini ukuthi iningi lobaba "lenqabe" indodana enjalo ngenxa yalesi sizathu? Ngabe obaba banonya ngoba amadodana abo ngandlela thile “ahlukile” kwabanye (futhi abalahle ngisho kungakabonakali ukuthi lo "mehluko" ungowobungqingili "bemvelo")? Isibonelo, ingabe obaba bayawala amadodana anezici ezithile? Vele akunjalo! Yebo, noma ngabe umfana omncane "unemvelo" ehlukile, kepha-ke, mhlawumbe, kuzoba nohlobo oluthile lobaba abangamphatha ngokumlahla, kepha ikakhulukazi labo abazophendula ngokunakekelwa nokusekelwa.

Ngaphezu kwalokho. Kumuntu oyiqondayo ingqondo yezingane, kungabonakala kungenangqondo ukucabanga ukuthi abafana abancane baqala impilo yabo ngokuthambekela kokuthandana nobaba babo (ngokombono ka-Aisei, kuvela kubungqingili babo). Lo mbono uhlanekezela iqiniso. Abafana abaningi bangaphambi kobungqingili babefuna imfudumalo, ukwangana, ukwamukelwa kuyise - akukho lutho oluthinta inkanuko. Futhi uma obaba babenqaba lapho bephendula, noma kubonakala kubo ukuthi “banqabile”, ngabe kungalindelwa ngempela ukuthi baneliseke ngesimo esinjalo kubona?

Manje mayelana nomuzwa "umehluko." Ayikho inganekwane "yemvelo" yobungqingili edingekayo ukuyichaza. Umfana onothambekele kowesifazane, ofinyelela kunina, ogcwala ngokweqile, ongenalo ithonya lobaba noma elinye ithonya lowesilisa ebuntwaneni, ngokwemvelo uzoqala ukuzizwa “ehlukile” ekuxhumaneni nalabo bafana abaye bakhulisa ukuthambekela kanye nezithakazelo zabafana ngokuphelele. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, umuzwa wokuthi "umehluko" awusiyo, njengoba u-Aisei eqinisekisa, ilungelo elingathandeki lamadoda angaphambi kwezitabane. Iningi lama-neurotic alobulili obuhlukile lazizwa “lihlukile” ebusheni babo. Ngamanye amagama, asikho isizathu sokukubona lokhu njengobungqingili.

Umbono ka-Aisei uhlushwa okunye ukungahambisani. Inani elikhulu labungqingili alizange libe nomuzwa wokuthi "umehluko" kuze kube seminyakeni yobusha. Ebuntwaneni, bazibona beyingxenye yenkampani, kepha ngenxa yokuhamba, ukuthuthela kwesinye isikole, njll., Baba nomqondo wokuzihlukanisa, ngoba endaweni entsha abakwazanga ukuzivumelanisa nalabo ababehlukile kubo ngokwenhlalo, ezomnotho, noma ngenye indlela. Okunye.

Ekugcineni, uma umuntu ekholelwa ebukhoneni bobungqingili, khona-ke kufanele futhi akholelwe kwimvelo yokuphambanisa, i-fetishistic, sadomasochistic, zoophilic, transvestic, njll. amafasitela abesifazane. Futhi umDashi owayesanda kuboshwa ngenxa yokuzibandakanya nesifiso "esingenakuphikiswa" sokuhlola abesifazane emphefumulweni wakhe iminyaka eyisishiyagalombili wayengaziqhayisa "ngemvelo" yakhe ye-voyeuristic! Lapho-ke lowo wesifazane osemncane, ozizwa engamukelekile kuyise, ngokunganaki wazinikela emadodeni amdala ngeminyaka eyishumi kunaye, ngokungangabazeki wayenayo "imvelo" ye-nymphomaniac ehlukile kunemvelo evamile yobungqingili, futhi ukukhungatheka kwakhe okuhambisana nesibalo sikababa kwaba yinto engaqondakali nje.

U-Aisei ongungqingili uziveza njengesisulu sento engaqondakali, nesobala. Umbono onjalo, empeleni, uwubufakazi obusiziba bunye. Okudabukisayo kakhulu ukuthi i-ego kungaba ukuqonda ukuthi ubungqingili buhlotshaniswa nemizwa engakafiki! Uma umbono ka-Isay wokuthi "imvelo" yobungqingili uyiqiniso, ingabe ukungazinzi kwengqondo kongqingili, "ubuntwana" bakhe nokuzikhathalela ngokweqile kuyingxenye yalolu "hlobo" olungaguquki nolungenakuqondakala?

I-Neurotic ngenxa yokubandlululwa? Inani elikhulu labantu abanokuthambekela kobungqingili liyavuma ukuthi alizange lihlupheke kakhulu ekubandlululweni komphakathi kusukela ekuqaphelekeni kwabo kokungakwazi ukuphila impilo ejwayelekile. Abasekeli abangaguquki bombutho wobungqingili bazokwazisa masinyane bathi: “Yebo, kepha lokhu kuhlupheka kungumphumela wokubandlululwa komphakathi okuqondiswe ngaphakathi. Babengeke bahlupheke uma umphakathi ubheka ubungqingili njengento evamile. ” Konke lokhu kungumbono oshibhile. Munye kuphela ongathandi ukubona ukungabonakali kwemvelo okubonakalayo kobungqingili kanye nokunye ukwephula ucansi okuyothenga lokho.

Ngakho-ke, ukuhleleka kwezinto akufani nokuthi ingane ibona ngokuzumayo: "Ngingungqingili", ngenxa yalokho ubhekana ne-neurotization evela kuye noma kwabanye abantu. Ukulandelwa okulungile kwama-psychohistories wabungqingili kusikisela ukuthi okokuqala bazizwa benomuzwa wokuthi "abawona owabo", bathotshiswe maqondana nontanga yabo, isizungu, ukungathandi omunye wabazali, njll. Futhi kusobala ukuthi ngenxa yalesi sizathu bawela ekucindezelekeni futhi bazithobe ku-neuroticism ... Ukukhanga kobungqingili kubonakala hhayi ngaphambili, kodwa после и ngenxa yalokho le mizwa yokwaliwa.

Abathandana nobungqingili abangavumelani nabo?

Ingabe zikhona? Umuntu angaphendula ngokuvuma uma ngabe ukubandlululwa kwezenhlalo bekuyimbangela yezehlakalo eziphakeme ezingenakuphikwa zezifo ezingokomzwelo ezingokwemizwa, ezocansi nezabantu abathandana nabobulili obufanayo. Kepha ubukhona bezitabane ezingezona eze-neurotic kuyinganekwane. Lokhu kungabonakala ngokuqaphelisisa nasekuziqapheleni kwabantu ababekelwe ubungqingili. Ngaphezu kwalokho, kukhona ukuxhumana okucacile phakathi kobungqingili kanye nama-psychoneuroses ahlukahlukene, njengama-syndromes acindezela ngokweqile kanye ne-rumination, i-phobias, izinkinga zengqondo, ukucindezeleka kwe-neurotic kanye nezimo eziphambene.

Ngokusho kocwaningo olusetshenziswa ekuhlolweni kwengqondo, wonke amaqembu abantu abathandana nobungqingili abaye bahlolwa okungcono kakhulu ukuthola i-neurosis noma i- "neuroticism" bakhombisile imiphumela emihle. Ngaphezu kwalokho, kungakhathalekile ukuthi ama-testee ayeguqulwa ngokwezenhlalo noma cha, wonke ngaphandle kokukodwa amakwa njengama-neurotic (uVan den Aardweg, 1986).

[Isexwayiso: ezinye izivivinyo zethulwa ngokungenanzuzo njengezivivinyo ze-neurosis, yize zingekho.]

Abanye abantu abaphethwe yilesi sifo ekuqaleni bangabonakala bengasebenzi kahle. Kwesinye isikhathi basho ngongqingili ukuthi uhlala ejabule futhi egculisekile futhi engazibangeli izinkinga. Kodwa-ke, uma umazi kangcono futhi ufunde kabanzi ngempilo yakhe yangasese nangezwe lakhe langaphakathi, lo mbono ngeke uqinisekiswe. Njengasesimweni somshado “ozinzile, ojabulayo, futhi onamandla wobungqingili,” ukubhekisisa lokhu akusho ukuthi umbono wokuqala awutholakali.

Imvamisa kwamanye amasiko?

“Isiko lethu lobuJuda nobuKrestu alibamukeli 'ubungqingili' bobungqingili, ngokungafani namanye amasiko akubheka njengokujwayelekile” kungenye inganekwane. Akukho kunoma yiliphi isiko noma ngasiphi isikhathi lapho ubungqingili - buqondwa njengokuheha abamele ubulili obufanayo obuqine kunabamele abokuhlukile - kwakungathathwa njengokujwayelekile. Izenzo zocansi phakathi kwabantu bobulili obufanayo, ngokwezinga elithile, zingathathwa njengezamukelekayo kwamanye amasiko, ikakhulukazi uma zihlobene nemikhuba yokuthwasa. Kepha ubungqingili bangempela buye babhekwa njengobungejwayelekile.

Futhi nokho kwamanye amasiko, ubungqingili abujwayelekile njengoba bufana nobethu. Ngabe kwenzeka kangakanani ubungqingili emasikweni ethu? Kukaningi kakhulu kunobungqingili abanobudlova kanye nabezindaba bacebisa. Imizwa yobungqingili inamaphesenti amabili kuya kwamabili esilinganiso senani labantu, kufaka phakathi ama-bisexcript. Leli phesenti, elingasuselwa ezibonelweni ezitholakalayo (uVan den Aardweg 1986, 18), lisanda kuvunywa yi-Alan Guttmacher Institute (1993) njengeqiniso e-United States. E-UK, leli phesenti yi-1,1 (Wellings et al. 1994; iqoqo elinokwethenjwa kakhulu lemininingwane ngale ndaba, bona uCameron 1993, 19).

Ezingxenyeni ezimbalwa zezakhamizi zesizwe esincane saseSambia eNew Guinea, kwakukhona ubungqingili eyodwa. Eqinisweni, wayengumuntu pedophile (Stoller noGerdt 1985, 401). Akuchazanga nje kuphela ubucansi bakhe wobulili, kodwa nokuziphatha kwakhe jikelele: "ebanda", "engenampilo ebantwini" (kukhombisa imizwa yokululazeka, yokungavikeleki), "egcinwe", "edabukisayo", "eyaziwa ngobunqunu bayo". Le ncazelo ye-neurotic, isibonakaliso sangaphandle esisobala esizizwa sithotshisiwe futhi sinenzondo "kwabanye."

Le ndoda "yahlukaniswa" ngokugwema imisebenzi yabesilisa njengokuzingela nokulwa ngangokunokwenzeka, ikhetha ukutshala imifino, okwakungumsebenzi kanina. Isikhundla sakhe kwezenhlalo nangokwengqondo sinikeze ukuqonda ngemvelaphi ye-neurosis yakhe yezocansi. Wayeyindodana yowesifazane kuphela futhi engekho emthethweni owashiywa ngumyeni wakhe ngakho-ke wadelelwa yisizwe sonke. Kubukeka sengathi owesifazane onesizungu, olahliwe ubophe umfana kanzima kakhulu kuye, yingakho engakhulanga njengabafana abajwayelekile - okuyinto ejwayelekile kubafana abangaphambi kobungqingili esikweni lethu, omama babo abababona njengezingane futhi, lapho obaba bengekho, bahlala nabo endaweni ukusondela eduze. Umama walo mfana wayethukutheliswe yibo bonke abantu besilisa ngakho-ke, njengoba umuntu engacabanga, wayengenandaba nokukhulisa "indoda yangempela" kuye. Ubuntwana bakhe babuphawuleka ngokuzihlukanisa nabantu nokwenqatshwa - indodana elulazayo yowesifazane olahliwe. Kubalulekile ukuthi, ngokungafani nabafana abalingana naye, imicabango yobungqingili yaqala esikhathini sakhe sangaphambi kobusha. Izinganekwane azivezi kangako indlela yokuziphatha ngokocansi njengazo zisiza ekunqobeni umehluko oqinile. Kulokhu, lokhu kusobala, ngoba bonke abafana balesi sizwe babefundiswa ubudlelwano bezocansi: okokuqala nabafana asebekhulile, endimeni yabalingani abenza okuthile; lapho-ke, njengoba bekhula, nalabo abasebasha, endimeni yabasebenzayo. Iphuzu lalesi siko lokuthomba ukuthi intsha ithole amandla wabadala bayo. Eminyakeni yabo engamashumi amabili bayashada. Futhi yini okuthakazelisayo, ngokusondela kwalo mcimbi, yabo imicabango iba yathandana ngaphandle komkhuba wangaphambilini wobungqingili obungenzi lutho nosebenzayo Okuwukuphela kowesilisa owayezenza ongqingili esizweni owahlolwa nguStoller noGerdt, waba nobuhlobo bobulili nabafana asebekhulile ngokulingana nabanye abafana, kusobala ukuthi akazange azizwe exhumene nabo ngokomzwelo, ngoba imibono yakhe evusa inkanuko yayigxile abafana... Kulokhu singaphetha ngokuthi wazizwa kabuhlungu ukwaliwa ngontanga yakhe futhi wazizwa ehlukile, ikakhulukazi kwabanye abafana, umuntu wangaphandle.

Isibonelo sesizwe saseSambia sikhombisa ukuthi izenzo zobungqingili azifani nezintshisekelo zobungqingili. Ubungqingili "bangempela" kuyinto engavamile emasikweni amaningi. UKashmiri ofundile wake wangitshela inkolelo yakhe yokuthi ubungqingili abukho ezweni lakhe, futhi ngezwa okufanayo kumpristi owayesebenza iminyaka engaphezu kwamashumi amane enyakatho-mpumalanga yeBrazil, ongowokuzalwa kuleso sifunda. Singasho ukuthi kungahle kube namacala afihlekile, yize lokhu kungaqinisekile. Kungacatshangwa futhi ukuthi umehluko kulawo mazwe kuphathwa abafana namantombazane, nokuthi ukuphathwa ngazwi linye kwabafana njengabafana namantombazane njengamantombazane, ngenhlonipho efanelekile, kuyindlela enhle yokuvikela. Abafana bayakhuthazwa ukuthi bazizwe njengabafana namantombazane akhuthazwa ukuthi azizwe njengamantombazane.

Ukuyenga

Ukufunda isizwe saseSambia kungasiza ekuqondeni ukuthi ukukhohlisa kunikela kanjani ekuthuthukiseni ubungqingili. Ukukhohlisa akukwazi ukubhekwa njengesizathu esinqumayo sokudala ezinganeni nasebusheni ngokuzethemba okujwayelekile kobulili. Kodwa-ke, kubaluleke kakhulu kunalokho okuye kwabanjwa amashumi eminyaka ambalwa. Olunye ucwaningo lwesiNgisi luthole ukuthi yize abafana abangama-35% kanye namantombazane angu-9% okuxoxwe nabo bevuma ukuthi bake bazama ukubanxenisa ngobungqingili, bangu-2% kuphela abafana no-1% wamantombazane abavumayo. Kulokhu, leli iqiniso singalibheka ngenye indlela. Akunangqondo ukucabanga ukuthi ukuheha kungaba yingozi lapho umuntu osemusha esenenkinga yokwehliswa ngokobulili noma lapho imicabango yakhe yobuntwana isiqalile ukugxila ezintweni zobulili bakhe. Ukuheha, ngamanye amagama, kungaqinisa ukwakheka kobungqingili, futhi kwesinye isikhathi kuze kuvuse izifiso zobungqingili kulezo zinsizwa ezingazethembi ngobulili bazo. Amadoda athandana nobungqingili angitshele ngalokhu kaningana. Indaba ejwayelekile ithi: “Omunye wobungqingili wangiphatha ngomusa futhi wavusa uzwela kimi. Wazama ukungiyenga, kodwa ekuqaleni ngenqaba. Kamuva ngaqala ukucabanga ngokuba nobuhlobo bobulili nenye insizwa engangiyithanda nengangifuna ukuba umngane wayo. " Ngakho-ke, ukuheha akukubi kangako njengoba abanye befuna ukusiqinisekisa ngakho (lo mbono uyinkulumo-ze yokuhlukunyezwa kwezingane nokwamukelwa kwezingane ngabungqingili). Ngokunjalo, “isimo socansi” ekhaya - izithombe zocansi, amafilimu ezitabane - nazo zingaqinisa izifiso zobungqingili ezingakachazwa. Abanye ongqingili bangabhekana nobungqingili uma bengenayo imicabango yobungqingili ngesikhathi esibucayi sobusha obungazinzile ngokomzwelo. Bangakhuphula buthule indawo yabo yokuthomba, ikakhulukazi ukujula, okuthandeka kakhulu kwabangane nezithombe zobulili babo. Kwamanye amantombazane, ukuheha kwabobulili obuhlukile kwasiza, noma kwaqinisa, ukuheha kobungqingili okwakukhona ngaphambili. Kodwa-ke, lokhu akunakubhekwa njengesizathu kuphela; akumelwe sikhohlwe ukubona ukuxhumana nokuthuthuka kwangaphambilini komuzwa wobufazi.

5. Ubungqingili nokuziphatha

Ubungqingili nonembeza

Isihloko sikanembeza asibukelwa phansi kakhulu yi-psychology yesimanje kanye nokusebenza kwengqondo. Igama elingathathi hlangothi ngokokuziphatha okuthatha indawo yomqondo kanembeza, obizwa nge-Freud's superego, alikwazi ukuchaza ukusebenza kwengqondo kokuqonda komuntu kokuziphatha okuyiqiniso. I-superego ichazwa njengokuphelele kwayo yonke imithetho yokuziphatha eqondiwe. Ukuziphatha "okuhle" noku "kubi" akuxhomekile ekupheleleni kokuziphatha, kepha kusethi yemithetho, enemibandela kakhulu yesiko. Ifilosofi esekelwa yile mbono ithi izinkambiso namagugu zihlobene futhi ziyabonakala: “Ngingubani mina ukuthi ngikutshele okulungele wena nokubi; okujwayelekile nokungafanele. ”

Eqinisweni, wonke umuntu, kufaka phakathi umuntu wanamuhla, ngandlela thile, ngokuningiliziwe "uyazi" ngokuba khona "kwaphakade", njengoba babizwa kanjalo yimithetho yasendulo, yokuziphatha futhi bahlukanise ngokushesha nangokuzimela phakathi kokweba, amanga, ukukhohlisa, ukuvukela umbuso, ukubulala , ukudlwengula, njll. njengokubi empeleni (izenzo zimbi ngokwazo), nokuphana, isibindi, ukwethembeka nokwethembeka - kuhle nobuhle. Yize isimilo nokuziphatha okubi kugqame kakhulu ekuziphatheni kwabanye (Wilson 1993), sizihlukanisa lezi zimfanelo nakithi. Kukhona ukucwaswa kwangaphakathi kwezenzo nezinhloso ezingalungile, noma ngabe i-ego izama kanjani ukucindezela lo mehluko, ukuze ungazishiyi lezi zenzo nezinhloso. Lesi sinqumo sangaphakathi sokuziphatha kungumsebenzi wokwazi okuyiqiniso. Yize kuyiqiniso ukuthi okunye ukubonakaliswa kokuzigxeka kokuziphatha kunemizwa futhi ukuhlolwa kukanembeza kuhlanekezelwe, ezimweni eziningi unembeza womuntu ufakazela amaqiniso wokuziphatha angaphezulu nje "kokubandlululwa kwamasiko." Sizophelelwa yisikhala uma siqala ukunikeza imininingwane yezengqondo namaqiniso ukusekela lo mbono. Yize kunjalo, kumqapheli ongachemile, ubukhona be "real consciousness" busobala.

Lokhu kuphawula akuyona into engadingekile, ngoba unembeza uyisici se-psychic esishaywa indiva kalula ezingxoxweni ngezihloko ezinjengobungqingili. Isibonelo, asikwazi ukungayinaki into yokucindezelwa kukanembeza, okuthi, ngokusho kukaKierkegaard, ibaluleke kakhulu kunokucindezelwa kwezocansi. Ukucindezelwa kukanembeza akupheli futhi akunamphumela, noma kulokho okubizwa ngokuthi yi-psychopaths. Ukuqwashiswa kwecala noma, ngokwamaKristu, ukuba nesono kuyaqhubeka nokuhlala ekujuleni kwenhliziyo.

Ulwazi lokwazi okuyiqiniso nokucindezelwa kwalo kubaluleke kakhulu kunoma yiluphi uhlobo lwe- "psychotherapy". Ngoba unembeza uhlala ubamba iqhaza ekukhuthazeni nasekuziphatheni.

(Umfanekiso weqiniso elingokwengqondo lokuthi izifiso zomuntu siqu zobulili azibhekwa njengokuziphatha okubi njengoba izifiso zocansi zabanye kungukungavunyelwa kokuziphatha kobungqingili ekuziphatheni okubi ngokobulili. Engxoxweni, isicebi esiyizithombe zobulili obufanayo esivela e-Amsterdam sithulule imifudlana yentukuthelo ngokuthambekela kukamlingani wakhe, sibabiza ngokuthi "abanasimilo." : “Ucansi nezingane ezincane kangaka!” Ubuye waveza ithemba lokuthi isigebengu sizotholwa sinecala futhi sithole ukushaywa okuhle (“De Telegraaf” 1993, 19) Lo mqondo uvele ufike engqondweni: ukusebenzisa izingane ezingenacala nabasakhulayo ukwanelisa umuntu inkanuko ephendukezelwe - lokhu kungcolile. ”Le ndoda ikhombise ikhono layo lokuziphatha okujwayelekile ekuziphatheni kwabanye abantu, futhi ngasikhathi sinye - ubumpumputhe ekuhloleni imizamo yakhe yokuheha abancane nabadala ezenzweni ezahlukahlukene zobungqingili nokuzicebisa ngezindleko zabo: ubumpumputhe obufanayo, okuyinto lowo muntu ohamba phambili ngokumangala ngokuziphatha kwakhe kabi.)

Umelaphi ongakuqondi lokhu, akakwazi ukuqonda ngempela okwenzekayo empilweni yangaphakathi yamakhasimende amaningi, futhi usengozini yokuchaza kabi izici ezibalulekile zezimpilo zabo futhi azilimaze. Ukungasebenzisi ukukhanya kukanembeza weklayenti, noma ngabe kuthambile kangakanani, kusho ukwenza iphutha ekukhetheni izindlela ezifanele kakhulu namasu afanele. Akekho nochwepheshe besimilo abaziphatha kahle abakhethe imisebenzi yokwazi okungokoqobo (esikhundleni se-Freudian ersatz) njengomuntu ophambili kumuntu, ngisho nasezigulini ezinokulimazeka okukhulu kwengqondo, kakhulu kunesazi sezengqondo saseFrance uHenri Baryuk (1979).

Ngaphandle kwalokhu, abaningi namuhla bakuthola kunzima ngokwengeziwe ukuzikholisa ukuthi, ngaphezu kwemithetho yokuziphatha jikelele, kufanele kube nezindinganiso zokuziphatha zomhlaba wonke kwezocansi. Kepha ngokungqubuzana nezimiso zokuziphatha ezikhululekile zocansi, izinhlobo eziningi zokuziphatha kocansi kanye nezifiso zisabizwa ngokuthi "zingcolile" futhi "ziyanyanyisa." Ngamanye amagama, imizwa yabantu ngocansi olungaziphathi kahle ayikashintshi kakhulu (ikakhulukazi maqondana nokuziphatha kwabanye). Inkanuko yezocansi, ifuna ukwaneliseka yona uqobo, noma ingenaye omunye umuntu, idala kwabanye umuzwa okhethekile wokulahlwa kanye nokunengeka. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, ukuzikhuza ebulilini obujwayelekile - ubumsulwa ngamagama obuKrestu - kuyahlonishwa futhi kuyahlonishwa emhlabeni wonke.

Iqiniso lokuthi ukuphambuka ngokocansi bekulokhu kubhekwe njengendawo njengokuziphatha okubi njalo, alikhulumi nje ngokungesilo isimo sabo nokungenanjongo, kepha futhi futhi kugxilwe ngokuphelele kuwe. Ngokufanayo, ukuminza okungalawulwa, ukudakwa nokuhaha kubonwa ngabantu abakude nokuziphatha okunje, ngenengiso. Ngakho-ke, ukuziphatha kobungqingili kubangela isimo sengqondo esibi kakhulu kubantu. Ngalesi sizathu, ongqingili abavikela indlela yabo yokuphila abagxili emisebenzini yabo yezocansi, kunalokho, “uthando” lobungqingili luyadunyiswa ngazo zonke izindlela. Futhi ukuchaza amanyala ajwayelekile ngokwengqondo abangelwa ubungqingili kubantu, basungula umqondo wokuthi “ukubulawa kwabantu besifazane abathandana nabesilisa nabesifazane”, benza okungajwayelekile. Kepha abaningi babo, hhayi kuphela labo abaye bakhuliswa ngendlela yobuKristu, bayavuma ukuthi bazizwa benecala ngokuziphatha kwabo (ngokwesibonelo, owake waba yisoka lakhe likhuluma “ngemizwa yesono” kuHoward 1991) Abaningi bayazinyanya ngabo ngemuva kokuba yisitabane. Izimpawu zokuba necala zikhona nakulabo ababiza izingcingo zabo njengezingezinhle kangako. Ukubonakaliswa okuthile kokukhathazeka, ukungezwani, ukungakwazi ukujabula ngempela, ukuthambekela kokusola nokucasulwa kuchazwa yizwi elithi "unembeza onecala". Umlutha wezocansi kunzima kakhulu ukubona ukunganeliseki okujulile ngokwakho. Isifiso sobulili sizama ukufihla imizwa yokuziphatha esezingeni eliphansi, okuthi noma kunjalo, ayisebenzi.

Lokhu kusho ukuthi impikiswano ethatha isinqumo futhi emnandi kunazo zonke ngomuntu ongungqingili maqondana nokufisa imicabango yakhe kuzoba umuzwa wakhe wangaphakathi wokuhlanzekile nokungahlanzekile. Kepha ungakuletha kanjani ukwazi? Ngokwethembeka phambi kwakhe, ekubonisiseni ukuthula, ukufunda ukulalela izwi likanembeza wakhe kanye nokungalaleli izimpikiswano zangaphakathi ezinjengokuthi: "Kungani?" Noma "Angikwazi ukuyeka ukwanelisa lo mnqweno" noma "Nginelungelo lokulandela imvelo yami" . Hlela isikhathi esithile ukuze ufunde ukulalela. Ukucabangisisa ngemibuzo: “Uma ngilalela ngokucophelela futhi ngaphandle kokubandlulula ngilalela okwenzeka ekujuleni kwenhliziyo yami, ngizoxhumana kanjani nokuziphatha kwami ​​kobungqingili? Ukumshiya? ”Yindlebe eqotho nenesibindi kuphela ezozwa impendulo futhi ifunde izeluleko kanembeza.

Inkolo Nobungqingili

Omunye umKristu osemusha owayenokuthambekela kobungqingili wangitshela ukuthi, lapho efunda iBhayibheli, wazithola izizathu zokubuyisana nonembeza wakhe nobudlelwano bobungqingili ayenabo ngaleso sikhathi, inqobo nje uma ezohlala engumKristu othembekile. Njengoba kwakulindelekile, ngemuva kwesikhathi esithile wayishiya le nhloso, eqhubeka nokuziphatha kwakhe, nokholo lwakhe lwaphela. Lesi yithemba lentsha eningi elizama ukubuyisana ngezinto ezingavunyelwe. Uma bekwazi ukuzikholisa ukuthi ubungqingili bokuziphatha buhle futhi buhle, khona-ke balahlekelwe ukholo noma bazenzele okwabo, okuvumayo ukuthanda kwabo. Izibonelo zawa womabili amathuba zingenakubalwa. Isibonelo, umlingisi odumile wobungqingili ongumDashi, ongumKatolika, njengamanje udlala indima yompristi ongumkhohlisi “obusisa” imibhangqwana esemisha (ngaphandle kobungqingili, emicimbini yomshado futhi enze amasiko emngcwabeni.

Ngakho-ke, kuphakama umbuzo othokozisayo: kungani abantu abaningi bengqingili, amaProthestani namaKatolika, amadoda nabesifazane, benesifiso semfundiso yenkolo futhi bevame ukuba abefundisi noma abapristi? Ingxenye yempendulo ilele kwisidingo sabo esingasho lutho sokunakwa nokusondelana. Babona inkonzo yesonto njengento enhle nokunakekela 'yokunakekela,' futhi baziveza kuye njengonenhlonipho nenhlonipho, ephakeme ngaphezu kwabantu abajwayelekile. ISonto libonakala kubo njengezwe elinobungane elingenawo umncintiswano, lapho bengathola khona isikhundla esiphakeme futhi ngasikhathi sinye bavikeleke. Kwabesilisa abayizitabane kunesisusa esengeziwe ngohlobo lomphakathi wesilisa ovaliwe ongadingi ukuziveza njengamadoda. AbabeseLesbi, bona, bakhangwa umphakathi ohlukile wabesifazane, ofana nendlwana. Ngaphezu kwalokho, omunye umuntu uthanda lobo bunye ukuthi bazihlobanise nemikhuba yokuziphatha kwabelusi futhi luhambisana nemikhuba yabo emnene nenomusa. Kwenkolo yama Katolika ne-Orthodoxy, ukugqoka kwabaphristi kanye nemisiko yokuhlonipha izinkambiso kuyakhanga, okubonwa njengowesifazane ukuthi ungowesifazane wobungqingili futhi kukuvumela ukuthi uziqhenye ngokunqobayo, okuqhathaniswa nenjabulo yokubukisa etholwe ngabadansa abangongqingili.

Kuyamangaza ukuthi abantu abathandana nabesilisa abathandana nabesilisa abathandanayo nabesilisa abathandanayo nabadansi bangakhangwa yindima yompristi. Kulokhu, kulabo abanomqondo wokuba yilungu, ukuheha kulele ukuqashelwa ngumphakathi, kanye nasemandleni okubusa abanye. Kuyamangaza ukuthi amanye amahlelo obuKhrestu awathikamezi isifiso sokobungqingili ngemisebenzi yobupristi; kwezinye izimpucuko zakudala, endulo, ngokwesibonelo, ongqingili badlala indima yobupristi.

Ngakho-ke, izintshisekelo ezinjalo zikhula kakhulu zisuka emibonweni yobugovu engahlangene ngokuphelele nokholo lobuKristu. Futhi iqiniso lokuthi abanye abongqingili babona "njengegama" lenkonzo, isifiso sokuphila ngendlela egcwele imizwelo. Lokhu “kubiza” kungokwamanga futhi kungamanga. Akunakusho ukuthi, laba bangqongqoshe nabaphristi bashumayela inguqulo ethambile nenobuntu yemibono yendabuko, ikakhulukazi izimiso zokuziphatha, nomqondo ohlanekezelwe wothando. Ngaphezu kwalokho, bavame ukudala ubuhlakani obunobungqingili phakathi kwemiphakathi yamasonto. Ngokwenza kanjalo, baba usongo olufihlekile lwemfundiso enengqondo futhi balulaze ubumbano lwesonto ngomkhuba wabo wokubumba amaqembu abhubhisayo angazibandakanyi emphakathini wesonto osemthethweni (umfundi angakhumbula ubungqingili “bokungezona izinto”). Ngakolunye uhlangothi, zivame ukungabi nokulinganisela namandla ohlamvu oludingekayo ekufezeni inkonzo yemiyalo kababa.

Ngabe ubizo lweqiniso lungahambisana nokuziphatha kongqingili? Angifuni ukukuphika ngokuphelele lokhu; Kuyo yonke le minyaka, ngibone ukwehluka okuningana. Kepha, njengomthetho, ukunqunyelwa kobungqingili, noma ngabe zibonisa ekusebenzeni noma kuvezwe kuphela empilweni yokomoya uqobo, kufanele kubhekwe njengobufakazi bokungabi ngumthombo wemvelo onentshisekelo kubupristi.

6. Indima yokwelashwa

Amazwana ambalwa asangulukisayo nge “psychotherapy”

Uma ngingaphosisi ekuhloleni kwami, izinsuku ezihamba phambili ze- "psychotherapy" seziphelile. Ikhulu lamashumi amabili kwakuyinkathi yokusebenza kwengqondo nokwelashwa kwengqondo. Lawa ma-sciences, athembisa ukutholwa okukhulu emkhakheni wokuqwashisa komuntu nezindlela ezintsha zokushintsha indlela yokuziphatha nokuphulukisa izinkinga zengqondo nezifo, kuphakamise ukulindela okukhulu. Kodwa-ke, umphumela waba okuphambene nalokho. Iningi "lokutholakele", njengemibono eminingi yezikole zaseFreudian neo-Freudian, kwavela kwaba yinkohliso - noma ngabe basathola abalandeli babo abanenkani. Ukwelashwa kwengqondo akwenzi okungcono. I-psychotherapy boom (ibhukwana likaHerink's 1980 kuhlu lwe-psychotherapy ngaphezu kwama-250) libukeka liphelile; yize umkhuba wokwelashwa kwengqondo wamukelwa ngumphakathi - ngokushesha okungenasisekelo, mangisho - ithemba lokuthi lizoletha imiphumela emikhulu seliphelile. Ukungabaza kokuqala kwakuphathelene nokukhohlisa kwe-psychoanalysis. Ngaphambi kweMpi Yezwe II, isazi se-psychoanalyst esinolwazi njengoWilhelm Steckel sitshele abafundi bakhe ukuthi "uma singenzi izinto ezintsha ngempela, i-psychoanalysis izobhujiswa." Ngawo-60, ukukholelwa ezindleleni zokwelashwa kwengqondo kwafakwa esikhundleni salokho okwakubonakala kungokwesayensi "ukwelashwa kokuziphatha", kepha akuzange kuhambisane nezimfuno zayo. Kwenzekile okufanayo ngezikole eziningi kakhulu ezintsha kanye "namasu" abongelwe njengokwenzakala kwesayensi, futhi kaningi njengezindlela ezilula zokuphulukisa nenjabulo. Eqinisweni, eziningi zazo zaziqukethe "izigaxa ezivuthayo" zemibono yakudala, ezifakwa ngamagama futhi zaphenduka zaba ngumthombo wenzuzo.

Ngemuva kokuthi imibono nezindlela eziningi ezinhle zisuswe njengentuthu (inqubo esaqhubeka kuze kube namuhla), kwasala imibono nemibono embalwa nje elula. Kancane, kepha kukhona okuthile. Ngokwengxenye enkulu, sabuyela olwazini lwendabuko kanye nasekuqondeni kwengqondo, mhlawumbe ukujula kwezinye zezindawo zayo, kepha ngaphandle kokuthuthuka okuthathekisayo, njengakwi-physics noma i-astronomy. Yebo, kuyacaca ngokusobala ukuthi kufanele "siphinde siwathole" amaqiniso amadala, avinjwe ukuphakama okubonakalayo kwezimfundiso ezintsha emkhakheni wezengqondo nokwelashwa kwengqondo. Isibonelo, udinga ukubuyela futhi embuzweni wokuba khona nokusebenza konembeza, ukubaluleka kwamagugu anjengesibindi, ukwaneliseka okungatheni, ukubekezela, ukuzidela okuphambene ne-egocentrism, njll. Ngokuphathelene nokusebenza kwezindlela zengqondo, isimo singaqhathaniswa nomzamo wokulungisa ulimi, kukhulunywa kusukela ebuntwaneni (futhi lokhu kungenzeka), noma ngezindlela zokuyeka ukubhema: ungaphumelela uma ulwa nalo mkhuba. Ngisebenzisa igama elithi "umzabalazo" ngoba ukuphulukisa okuyisimangaliso akulindelekile. Futhi, azikho izindlela zokunqoba ubunzima bobungqingili, lapho ungahlala kahle khona esimweni sokungenzi lutho ("ngilale bese ngivusa umuntu omusha"). Izindlela noma amasu ayasiza, kepha ukusebenza kwawo kuxhomeke kakhulu ekuqondeni okucacile kobuntu bakho nezisusa zakho nasentandweni eqotho nengaguquki.

Umsindo "psychotherapy" unganikeza usizo oluqakathekileko ekuzwisiseni umsuka nohlobo lwemikhuba ecasulayo yezemizwa nezocansi, kepha akunikezeli okutholwayo okungaholela ekuguqukeni okusheshayo. Isibonelo, alikho i-psychotherapy enganikeza ukukhululwa okuphelele, njengoba ezinye "izikole" zizama ukukucabanga, ngokuvula izinkumbulo noma imizwa ecindezelwe. Akunakwenzeka futhi ukufinyeza indlela ngosizo lwezindlela zokufundisa eziklanywe ngobuchule ngokususelwa ekuqondweni okusha kwemithetho yokufundisa. Esikhundleni salokho, umqondo ojwayelekile nokuzola, umsebenzi wanamuhla uyadingeka lapha.

Isidingo somelaphi

Ngabe udokotela uyadingeka? Ngaphandle kwezimo ezimbi kakhulu, umgomo okufanele uwukhumbule ukuthi akekho umuntu ongahamba le ndlela eyedwa. Imvamisa, umuntu ozama ukuqeda i-neurotic complex udinga kabi umuntu ozomqondisa noma amyale. Ngokwesiko lethu, owelapha ngokukhethekile kulokhu. Ngeshwa, odokotela bezengqondo abaningi abanamakhono okusiza ongqingili ukuba banqobe ubunzima babo, ngoba abanalo ulwazi oluncane ngesimo salesi simo futhi babelana ngokubandlululwa kokuthi akukho okungenziwa noma okungafanele kwenziwe ngaso. Ngakho-ke, kwabaningi abafuna ukushintsha, kepha abangakwazi ukuthola umsizi oqeqeshiwe, "umelaphi" kufanele kube ngumuntu onomqondo omkhulu nolwazi oluningi ngezisekelo zesayensi yokusebenza kwengqondo, okwaziyo ukubona futhi onolwazi lokuhola abantu. Lo muntu kumele abe nokuhlakanipha okuthuthukile futhi akwazi ukusungula oxhumana naye othembekile (rapport). Okokuqala, yena uqobo kumele abe ngumuntu olinganiselayo, ophilile ngokwengqondo nangokuziphatha. Lokhu kungaba ngumfundisi, umpristi noma omunye umfundisi wesonto, udokotela, uthisha, usonhlalonhle - yize lezi zisebenzi zingakuqinisekisi ukutholakala kwamathalente okwelapha. Kulabo abahlukunyezwa ubungqingili, ngincoma ukuthi ngicele umuntu onjalo ukuthi abaqondise kubona ababona ukuthi kukhona kulezi zimfanelo ezingenhla. Vumela umelaphi ongumuntu ongumuntu ozithandayo azibone njengomdala-umsizi ongumngane, ubaba okuthi, ngaphandle kokuzenzisa, aqondiswe ngobuhlakani bakhe nokuqonda kwakhe. Akungabazeki ukuthi kuzofanele afunde ukuthi yini ubungqingili, futhi ngimnikeza le nto ukuze ajulise ukuqonda kwakhe. Akucebisi, nokho, ukuthi ufunde izincwadi eziningi kakhulu ngale ndaba, ngoba okuningi kwalezi zincwadi kudukisa nje.

“Iklayenti” lidinga umphathi. Udinga ukudedela imizwa yakhe, aveze imicabango yakhe, alandise indaba yempilo yakhe. Kufanele axoxe ukuthi ubungqingili bakhe bakhula kanjani, nokuthi ukusebenza kwakhe okunzima kusebenza kanjani. Kumele ikhuthazwe emzabalazweni oyisisekelo, ozolile nowesizotha; futhi udinga ukubheka ukuthi uthuthuka kanjani emzabalazweni wakhe. Wonke umuntu ofunda ukudlala insimbi yomculo uyazi ukuthi izifundo ezijwayelekile zibalulekile. Uthisha uyachaza, alungise, akhuthaze; umfundi wenza isifundo ngemuva kwesifundo. Kunjalo nanganoma yiluphi uhlobo lwe-psychotherapy.

Kwesinye isikhathi izithandani zakudala zisiza abanye banqobe izinkinga zabo. Banethuba lokuthi bazi kuqala impilo yangaphakathi nobunzima bobungqingili. Ngaphezu kwalokho, uma sebeguqukile ngokuphelele, lapho-ke kubangane babo bayithuba elikhuthazayo lokushintshwa. Noma kunjalo, angibonisi njalo intshiseko ngesisombululo esifanayo, ngokungangabazeki esinenhloso enhle yombuzo wezokwelapha. I-neurosis enjengobungqingili ingavele inqotshwe ngezinga elikhulu, kepha imikhuba ehlukahlukene ye-neurotic nezindlela zokucabanga, kungasaphathwa ukubuyela emuva ngezikhathi ezithile, ingahlala isikhathi eside. Ezimweni ezinjalo, umuntu kufanele angazami kusenesikhathi kakhulu ukuba abe umelaphi; ngaphambi kokuqala into enjalo, umuntu kumele aphile okungenani iminyaka emihlanu esesimweni sokushintshwa okuphelele kwangaphakathi, okubandakanya ukutholwa kwemizwa yobungqingili. Kodwa-ke, njengomthetho, ngubungqingili “bangempela” abangakhuthaza ubungqingili kwikhasimende lobungqingili kangcono kunomunye umuntu, ngoba labo abangenazo izinkinga zokuzazisa komuntu wesilisa bangavusa ukuzethemba komuntu wesilisa kulabo abantulayo. Ngaphezu kwalokho, isifiso "sokuphulukisa" abanye singaba yindlela yokuziqinisekisa kothile ogwema umsebenzi omkhulu kubo. Futhi kwesinye isikhathi, isifiso esifihliwe sokuqhubeka ukuxhumana nabantu “yokuphila” wobungqingili kungahlanganiswa nenhloso eqotho yokusiza labo ababhekene nobunzima abamaziyo.

Ngishilo umelaphi - "ubaba" noma isekela lakhe elijwayelekile. Kuthiwani ngabesifazane? Angicabangi ukuthi kulolu hlobo lokwelashwa nabantu abadala, abesifazane kungaba yindlela engcono kakhulu, ngisho nakumakhasimende athandana nabesilisa nabesifazane. Izingxoxo eziqotho nokusekelwa okuvela ezintombini nakubeluleki kungasiza impela; kodwa-ke, umsebenzi omude (weminyaka) wokuqondiswa nokuqina okuqinile nokuqondiswa kobungqingili kudinga ukuba khona kwesibalo sikababa. Angikuthathi njengokucwaswa kwabesifazane, ngoba ukufundiswa nokukhuliswa kuqukethe izinto ezimbili - owesilisa nowesifazane. Umama unguthisha oqondene naye uqobo, oqondile nongokomzwelo. Ubaba ungumholi kakhulu, umqeqeshi, umeluleki, amatomu namandla. Abelaphi besifazane bakulungele kakhulu ukwelashwa kwezingane namantombazane asakhula, nabesilisa balolu hlobo lokufundisa oludinga ubuholi besilisa. Khumbula iqiniso lokuthi lapho ubaba engekho ngamandla akhe wesilisa, omama bavame ukuba nobunzima ekukhuliseni amadodana (futhi kaningi amantombazane!) Ebusheni babo nasebusheni.

7. Ukuzazi

Ukuthuthukiswa kwengane nobusha

Ukuzazi wena, okokuqala, inhloso ulwazi lwezimpawu zobuntu babo, okungukuthi, izinhloso zabo zokuziphatha, imikhuba, imibono; ubuzosazi kanjani другие, basazi kahle, kube sengathi babheka eceleni. Kungaphezu kakhulu kwesethu. subjential isipiliyoni esingokomzwelo. Ukuziqonda yena, umuntu kumele futhi azi umlando wakhe wangaphambilini wengqondo, abe nombono ocacile wokuthi umlingiswa wakhe wakhula kanjani, uyini amandla ashukumisayo we-neurosis yakhe.

Kungenzeka ukuthi umfundi othanda ubungqingili axhumane yedwa naye, njengoba kuxoxiwe ezahlukweni ezedlule. Umfundi ofuna ukusebenzisa le mibono kuye, ukuze abe ngumelaphi wakhe ngokwakhe, uzoba wusizo, nokho,, ukuhlola umlando wakhe wezengqondo ngendlela enobuchule. Ngale njongo, ngiphakamisa uhlu lwemibuzo olulandelayo.

Kungcono ukubhala izimpendulo zakho; ngenxa yalokhu, imicabango icacisa futhi icace ngokwengeziwe. Ngemuva kwamasonto amabili, hlola izimpendulo zakho bese ulungisa lokho ocabanga ukuthi kudinga ukushintshwa. Ukuqonda obunye ubudlelwano kuvame ukuba lula uma uvumela imibuzo ukuba 'ivuthwe' engqondweni yakho isikhashana.

Umlando wezokwelapha (umlando wakho wezengqondo)

1. Chaza ubuhlobo bakho nobaba wakho njengoba ukhula. Ungayichaza kanjani: ukusondelana, ukusekelwa, ukuhlonza [nobaba wakho], njll. noma ukuhlukaniswa, ukuthukwa, ukungaqashelwa, ukwesaba, inzondo noma ukwedelela ubaba; isifiso esiqaphelayo sozwela nokunakwa kwakhe, njll.? Bhala phansi izici ezifanele ubudlelwano bakho, uma kunesidingo, engeza okungekho kulolu hlu olufushane. Kungahle kudingeke ukuthi uhlukanise ngezikhathi ezithile zokukhula kwakho, ngokwesibonelo: lapho-ke ... ".

2. Ngicabanga ini (ikakhulukazi ngesikhathi sokuthomba / sobusha) ubaba wayecabanga ngami? Lo mbuzo uhlobene nomqondo wakho wombono kayihlo ngawe. Impendulo, isibonelo, ingahle ibe: “Wayengenandaba nami,” “Wayengibheka njengabancane kunabafowethu (odade),” “Wayengincoma,” “Ngangiyindodana yakhe ayithandayo,” njll.

3. Chaza ubudlelwano bakho naye manje nokuthi uziphatha kanjani naye. Isibonelo, ingabe nisondelene, ingabe ninemibono enobungani, ukuthi kulula kanjani nobabili, noma ngabe niyahloniphana, njll. noma unenzondo, ushubile, uyacasuka, uyaxabana, uyesaba, ukude, uyabanda, uyazikhukhumeza, uyaliwa, umbango, njll.? Chaza ubuhlobo bakho obujwayelekile nobaba wakho nokuthi uvame ukubukhombisa kanjani.

4. Chaza imizwa yakho ngomama wakho, ubuhlobo bakho naye ngesikhathi sobuntwana nangesikhathi sokuthomba (impendulo ingahlukaniswa). Ukuthi babenobungani, befudumele, besondele, bezolile, njll. noma ingabe babephoqelelwa, besaba, behlukanisiwe, bepholile, njll. Cwenga impendulo yakho ngokukhetha lezo zici ocabanga ukuthi zifana kakhulu nawe.

5. Ucabanga ukuthi umama wakho wayezizwa kanjani ngawe (ebuntwaneni nasebusheni?) Wawuthini umbono wakho ngawe? Isibonelo, ngabe wakubona njengomfana noma intombazane “ejwayelekile”, noma ngabe wakuphatha ngendlela ekhethekile, njengomngane oseduze, isilwane, ingane yakhe eyisibonelo esifanele?

6. Chaza ubuhlobo bakho obukhona njengamanje nomama wakho (bheka umbuzo 3).

7. Ngabe ubaba wakho (noma umkhulu, usingababa) wakukhulisa kanjani? Isibonelo, ukuvikele, wakusekela, wakhuthaza isiyalo, ukuzethemba, wakunikeza inkululeko, wathenjwa; noma ukukhuliswa kwahamba nokubelesela okuningi nokunganeliseki, kanzima, wajezisa ngokweqile, wafuna, wahlambalaza; wakuphatha kanzima noma kancane, wakuthokozisa, wakutotosa futhi wakuphathisa okwengane encane? Faka noma isiphi isici esingekho kulolu hlu esingachaza kangcono icala lakho.

8. Yiziphi izindlela umama wakho akukhulise ngazo? (Bheka izici ezikumbuzo 7).

9. Ubaba wakho wakunakekela futhi wakuphatha kanjani ngokobulili bakho? Ngokukhuthaza, ukuqonda, okomfana njengomfana nentombazane njengentombazane, noma ngaphandle kwenhlonipho, ngaphandle kokuqonda, ngokukhalaza, ngokwedelela?

10. Umama wakho wakunakekela futhi wakuphatha kanjani ngokobulili bakho? (Bheka umbuzo 9)

11. Zingaki izingane zakini (ingane kuphela; okokuqala kwezingu __ izingane; eyesibili kwezingu __ izingane; ezokugcina kwezingu __ izingane, njll.). Lokhu kusithinte kanjani isimo sakho sengqondo kanye nesimo sakho sengqondo kuwe emndenini? Isibonelo, ingane esephuzile ivikeleke kakhudlwana futhi yanconywa; Isikhundla somfana okuwukuphela kwakhe emantombazaneni ambalwa nesimo sengqondo ngaye, kungenzeka kakhulu, sihlukile esikhundleni somdala kubazalwane abaningana nesimo sengqondo ngaye, njll.

12. Uziqhathanise kanjani nabafowenu (uma uyindoda) noma odade (uma ungowesifazane)? Ngabe uzizwe sengathi ubaba noma umama wakho uncamela wena kunabo, nokuthi "ungcono" kunabo ngenxa yekhono elithile noma isici esithile somlingiswa, noma ukuthi ubungabalulekile?

13. Ubucabange kanjani ubudoda noma ubufazi bakho uma uqhathanisa nabafowenu (uma uyindoda) noma odadewenu (uma ungowesifazane)?

14. Ngabe ubunabo abangane bobulili bakho useyingane? Sasiyini isikhundla sakho kontanga yakho? Isibonelo, ngabe unabangane abaningi, ngabe uyahlonishwa, ngabe ungumholi, njll., Noma ubungumuntu wangaphandle, umlingisi, njll.

15. Ngabe ubunabo abangane bobulili bakho ngesikhathi sokuthomba? (bheka umbuzo 14).

16. Chaza ubudlelwano bakho nabobulili obuhlukile ngesikhathi sobuntwana nokuthomba, ngokulandelana (isibonelo, abukho ubudlelwano noma kuphela abobulili obuhlukile, njll.).

17. Kwabesilisa: wadlala njengamasosha, empini, njll. Kwabesifazane: uke wadlala ngonodoli, ngamathoyizi athambile?

18. Kwabesilisa: wawuyithanda iHockey noma ibhola? Futhi, uke wadlala nonodoli? Uke waba nentshisekelo ngezingubo? Sicela uchaze ngokuningiliziwe.

Abesifazane: beninentshisekelo ngezingubo nezimonyo? Futhi, ubuthandile imidlalo yobuzwe? Chaza ngokuningiliziwe.

19. Njengomuntu osemusha, ingabe walwa, “waveza imibono yakho,” ingabe wazama ukuziqinisa, ngokulingene, noma wenza okuphambene nalokho?

20. Yikuphi ukuzilibazisa kwakho okuyinhloko nezifiso zakho njengomuntu osemusha?

21. Uwubone kanjani umzimba wakho (noma izingxenye zawo), ukubukeka kwakho (ngokwesibonelo, uwuthathe njengobuhle noma ongathandeki)? Chaza ngqo ukuthi yiziphi izici zomzimba ezikucasulayo (isibalo, ikhala, amehlo, ipipi noma amabele, ukuphakama, ukukhuluphala noma ukuba mncane, njll.)

22. Uwubone kanjani umzimba / ukubukeka kwakho ngokobudoda noma ubufazi?

23. Uke waba nokukhubazeka okuthile emzimbeni noma izifo?

24. Yayinjani imizwa yakho ejwayelekile ebuntwaneni bese kuba ebusheni? Injabulo, iyadabukisa, iyashintsha, noma ihlala njalo?

25. Uke waba nezikhathi ezikhethekile zesizungu sangaphakathi noma sokucindezeleka ebuntwaneni noma ebusheni? Uma kunjalo, uneminyaka emingaki? Futhi uyazi ukuthi kungani?

26. Ngabe ubunenkinga ephansi ebuntwaneni noma ebusheni? Uma kunjalo, yiziphi izindawo oke wazizwa ubukelwa phansi kuzo?

27. Ngabe ungachaza ukuthi wawuyingane enjani ngokuziphatha kwakho kanye nokuthambekela kwakho ngesikhathi lapho ukuzenyeza kwakho kwakuzwakala kukuhle kuwe? Isibonelo: “Nganginesizungu, ngizimele kuwo wonke umuntu, ngizihoxisile, ngizimisele”, “nganginamahloni, ngithobela umthetho kakhulu, ngiwusizo, nginesizungu, kodwa ngasikhathi sinye ngithukuthele ngaphakathi”, “ngangifana nosana, ngangikwazi ukukhala kalula, kodwa ngasikhathi sinye wayekhetha "," ngazama ukuziqinisa, ngafuna ukunakwa "," Ngangizama njalo ukujabulisa, ngimamatheke futhi ngibonakale ngijabule ngaphandle, kodwa ngaphakathi ngangingajabule "," ngangiyinhlekisa kwabanye "," ngangithobela kakhulu "," mina yayiyigwala ”,“ bengingumholi ”,“ bengicindezela, ”njll. Zama ukukhumbula izici ezigqame kakhulu zobuntu bakho ebuntwaneni noma ebusheni.

28. Yini enye, ngaphandle kwalokhu, eyadlala indima ebalulekile ebuntwaneni bakho kanye / noma ebusheni bakho?

Mayelana ongqingili izindaba, imibuzo elandelayo izokusiza:

29. Cishe uneminyaka emingaki lapho waqala ukuzwa ukuthatheka nomuntu wobulili bakho?

30. Kwakunjani ukubukeka nesimo sakhe? Chaza ukuthi yini ekuhehe kakhulu kuye.

31. Cishe wawuneminyaka emingaki ngenkathi uqala ukuba nezinkanuko zobungqingili noma amaphupho? (Impendulo ingafana nempendulo yombuzo wama-29, kepha uyayikhetha.)

32. Ubani ovame ukuvusa isifiso sakho sobulili ngokweminyaka, ubuntu bangaphandle noma ubuntu bakho, indlela oziphatha ngayo, indlela ogqoka ngayo? Izibonelo zamadoda: abantu abasha abaneminyaka eyi-16-30 ubudala, abafana abangaphambi kobusha, abesilisa / abesilisa / abesilisa abasubathi, amadoda ezempi, amadoda amancane, ama-blondes noma ama-brunette, abantu abadumile, abanobuhle, "abadelelayo", njll. Kwabesifazane: amantombazane amancane iminyaka yobudala ___; abesifazane abaphakathi nendawo abanezici ezithile; abesifazane abangontanga yami; njll.

33. Uma lokhu kusebenza kuwe, uvame ukushaya indlwabu kangaki usengumuntu osemusha? Futhi kamuva?

34. Wake waba nemicabango yokuziphathisa ngokobulili obuhlukile, noma ngaphandle kokushaya indlwabu?

35. Wake waba nemizwa evusa inkanuko noma wathandana nomuntu wobulili obuhlukile?

36. Ngabe kukhona okuhlukile ezenzweni zakho zocansi noma emaphusheni (ama-masochism, sadism, njll.)? Kafushane nangokuzithiba chaza ukuthi imaphi amaphupho noma ukuziphatha kwabantu okukujabulisayo, ngoba lokhu kuzosiza ekuboneni lezo zindawo lapho uzizwa ungaphansi kwakho.

37. Ngemuva kokucabangisisa nokuphendula le mibuzo, bhala umlando omfishane ngempilo yakho, oqukethe izehlakalo ezibaluleke kakhulu nezehlakalo zangaphakathi ebuntwaneni nasebusheni bakho.

Nginjani namuhla

Le ngxenye yokuzazi kubaluleke kakhulu; ukuqonda komuntu ngokwengqondo yakhe, okuxoxwe ngakho esigabeni esandulele, empeleni kubalulekile kuphela uma kusiza ukuziqonda namuhla, okungukuthi, imikhuba yanamuhla, imizwa, futhi, okubaluleke kakhulu, izisusa ezihlobene nenkimbinkimbi yobungqingili.

Ukwelashwa okuphumelelayo (self-), kuyadingeka ukuthi umuntu aqale ukuzibona esemgqeni ongaqondile, njengomuntu osazi kahle asibona. Eqinisweni ukubuka ohlangothini imvamisa ibaluleke kakhulu, ikakhulukazi uma kungumbono walabo abahlanganyela nathi ezindabeni zansuku zonke. Bangakwazi ukuvula amehlo ethu emikhubeni noma ekuziphatheni esingakuboni, noma ebesingasoze sikubone. Le ndlela yokuqala yokuzazi: yamukela futhi uhlaziye ngokucophelela imibono yabanye, kufaka phakathi leyo ongayithandi.

Indlela yesibili - ukuzihlola... Okokuqala, kubhekiswe kwimicimbi yangaphakathi - imizwa, imicabango, amaphupho, izisusa / izinhloso; futhi okwesibili, ukuziphatha kwangaphandle. Ngokuphathelene nalokhu kwamuva, singazama ukwethula isimilo sethu njengokungathi besizibuka ngokusobala, kusuka ngaphandle, kude. Vele, ukuzibona kwangaphakathi nokwethulwa kokuziphatha komuntu ngamehlo ombukeli wangaphandle kuyizinqubo ezihlobene.

Ukuzilapha, njenge-psychotherapy ejwayelekile, kuqala ngesikhathi sokuzihlola, okuhlala kuthathe amasonto amabili. Kungaba umkhuba omuhle ukurekhoda njalo lokhu okuphawuliwe (yize kungenjalo nsuku zonke, kuphela uma kwenzeka okuthile okubalulekile). Zidinga ukuqoshwa ngokuvinjwa nangokungaguquguquki. Dala incwajana ebekiwe ngalezi zinhloso futhi wenze umkhuba wokuqopha okubonile, kanye nemibuzo noma imicabango ebalulekile. Ukuqopha ukubonwa nokuqonda kwe-hones. Ngaphezu kwalokho, kukuvumela ukuthi ufunde amanothi akho ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, okuthi, ngokuhlangenwe nakho kwabaningi, kusiza ukuqonda ezinye izinto kangcono kakhulu kunalokho okurekhodiwe kuphela.

Yini okufanele ibhalwe kudayari yokuzihlola? Vikela ukukhala, ukugcina "incwadi yezikhalazo". Abantu abanemizwa ye-neurotic bavame ukuzwakalisa ukungeneliseki, ngakho-ke bahlala bezihawukela kudayari yokuzibona. Uma ngemuva kwesikhashana, ngenkathi ufunda kabusha amanothi, abona ukuthi akhononda, khona-ke lokhu kuyimpumelelo ebonakalayo. Kungenzeka ukuthi ngokuzithoba bazithobe ngesihawu ngesikhathi sokuqoshwa, ngakho-ke kamuva bazozitholela bona: “Hawu, ngiyazisola kanjani!”

Kodwa-ke, kungcono ukubhala phansi impilo yakho ebuthaka kanjena: chaza kafushane imizwa yakho, kepha ungami lapho, kepha engeza umzamo wokuzihlola. Isibonelo, ngemuva kokubhala phansi: “Ngazizwa ngiphatheke kabi futhi ngingaqondwa kahle,” zama ukucabangisisa ngakho: “Ngicabanga ukuthi kungenzeka ukuthi bekunezizathu zokuzwa ubuhlungu, kepha ukusabela kwami ​​kube ngokweqile, bengizwela ngempela yini; Ngaziphatha njengengane "noma" Ukuziqhenya kwami ​​kobuntwana kwalimala kukho konke lokhu, "njll.

Idayari ingasetshenziswa futhi ukurekhoda imibono eye yavela ngokungalindelekile. Izinqumo ezenziwe ezinye izinto ezibalulekile, ikakhulukazi ngoba ukuzibhala phansi kubanikeza isiqiniseko nokuqina okukhulu. Kodwa-ke, ukubhala phansi imizwa, imicabango kanye nokuziphatha kuyindlela kuphela yokufeza, okungukuthi, ukuziqonda kangcono. Ukucabanga nakho kuyadingeka, okugcina kuholele ekuboneni kangcono izisusa zomuntu, imizwa (ikakhulukazi eyinsana noma eyokuzibandakanya).

Yini okufanele uyibheke

Ukuzazi kutholakala ngokucatshangelwa ngokucophelela kwemizwa nemicabango yabo, okungathandeki kanye / noma okuthokozisayo. Lapho bephakama, buza ngesizathu sabo, ukuthi basho ukuthini, kungani uzizwele.

Imizwa engemihle ifaka phakathi: isizungu, ukwenqatshwa, ukulahlwa, ubuhlungu benhliziyo, ukuthotshiswa, ukungabi nalutho, ukukhathala, ukungabi nandaba, ukudabuka noma ukudangala, ukukhathazeka, ukwesaba, ukwesaba nokukhathazeka, imizwa yokushushiswa, intukuthelo, ukucasuka nentukuthelo, umona nomhawu, umunyu, ukulangazelela (othile), ingozi ezayo, ukungabaza, njll., ikakhulukazi noma yimiphi imizwa ejwayelekile - konke okukhathazayo, ikakhulukazi okukhunjulwayo, konke okushaya umxhwele noma okucindezelayo.

Imizwa ehlobene ne-neurotic tata ivame ukuhlotshaniswa nomuzwa. ukungafanelekilapho abantu bezizwa bengakwazi ukuzilawula, lapho "umhlaba ushelela phansi kwezinyawo zabo." Kungani ngangizizwa ngale ndlela? Kubaluleke kakhulu ukuzibuza: "Ingabe ukusabela kwami ​​esiswini bekufana" nengane "? futhi "ngabe 'umpofu wami' akazibonisanga lapha?" Ngempela, empeleni, kuvela ukuthi eminingi yale mizwa idalwa ukungagculiseki kwezingane, ukulinyazwa ukuziqhenya, ukuzidabukela. Isiphetho esilandelayo: "Ngaphakathi, angiphathi njengendoda noma owesifazane osekhulile, kepha ngifana nengane, ibhungu." Futhi uma uzama ukucabanga ngobuso obusobusweni bakho, umsindo wezwi lakho uqobo, umbono owenze kwabanye ngokuveza imizwa yakho, khona-ke uzokwazi ukubona ngokucace kakhudlwana “ingane engaphakathi” owawunguye nje. Kwezinye izimpendulo zemizwa nokuziphatha, kulula ukubona indlela yokuziphatha yobuntwana, kepha kwesinye isikhathi kunzima ukubona ubuntwana kweminye imizwa noma imizwa engemihle, noma ngabe kubonwa njengokuphazamisayo, okungafuneki, noma okhathazayo. Ukunganeliseki kuyinkomba ejwayelekile kakhulu yokuziphatha kwezinsana, okuvame ukukhombisa ukuzidabukela.

Kepha ungakuhlukanisa kanjani ukunganeliseki okungenasici kumuntu ojwayelekile, owanele, omdala?

1. Ukuzisola nokungagculiseki okungezona izinsana akuhlangene nokuzihlonipha.

2. Bona, njengomthetho, abamlahli umuntu ebhalansi, futhi uzigcina ephethe.

3. Ngaphandle kwezimo ezingavamile, azihambisani nemizwa eyeqile.

Ngakolunye uhlangothi, ezinye izindlela zokuphendula zingahlanganisa kokubili izakhi ezingenangqondo nezabantu abadala. Ukudumazeka, ukulahleka, intukuthelo kungaba buhlungu kubo uqobo, noma ngabe umuntu ezitholela ebuntwaneni. Uma umuntu engaqondi ukuthi impendulo yakhe ivela “enganeni” nokuthi iqine kangakanani, kungcono-ke ukushiya umcimbi okwesikhashana. Lokhu kuzocaca uma ubuyela kukho emuva kwesikhathi.

Okulandelayo, udinga ukutadisha ngokucophelela indlela yakho isimilo okungukuthi, izinhlobo zezimo ezibhekiswe kubantu: isifiso sokujabulisa wonke umuntu, inkani, ubutha, ukusola, ukuzikhukhumeza, ukuqina, ukusekelwa noma ukufuna ukusekelwa, ukuthembela kubantu, ukungabi nandaba, ubushiqela, ubunzima, ukunganaki, ukugxeka, ukukhohlisa, ulaka, ukuphindisela, ukwesaba, ukugwema noma ukuvusa izingxabano, ukuthambekela ekuphikiseni, ukuzincoma nokuzigqaja, isimilo seshashalazi, ukubukisa nokufuna ukuzinaka wena (ngezinketho eziningi), njll. Ukwahlukaniswa kufanele kwenziwe lapha. Ukuziphatha kungahluka kuye ngokuthi kubhekiswe kubani: abantu bobulili obufanayo noma obuhlukile; amalungu omndeni, abangane noma osebenza nabo; emazingeni aphezulu noma aphansi; kubantu ongabazi noma obajwayele kahle. Bhala phansi okubonile, ucacise ukuthi hlobo luni loxhumana nabo emphakathini. Khombisa ukuthi yikuphi ukuziphatha okujwayeleke kakhulu kuwe "nasenganeni" yakho.

Enye yezinhloso zokuzibona okunjalo ukukhomba izindima okudlalwa ngumuntu. Esikhathini esiningi, lezi izindima zokuziqinisa kanye nokubamba ukunaka. Umuntu angalingisa umuntu ophumelelayo, oqondayo, ojabulayo, iqhawe lenhlekelele, onesifo esingesihle, ongasizi ngalutho, ongabekeki, umuntu obaluleke kakhulu, njll. (Izinketho azipheli). Ukudlala indima, ukwembula ubuntwana bangaphakathi, kusho izinga elithile lokungathembeki nokugcina imfihlo futhi kunganqamula emangeni.

Ukuziphatha ngamazwi futhi ingasho okuningi ngomuntu. Lona kanye ithoni yezwi lithwala imininingwane eminingi. Enye insizwa yadonsela ukunakekela ekuthini lapho iwaqamba khona amagama, yawasho ngokudabukisayo. Ngenxa yokucatshangelwa, waphetha: "Ngicabanga ukuthi ngicabanga ngokungazi ukuthi ngingumntwana obuthakathaka, ngizama ukubeka abanye esimeni sokuba ngabantu abadala abaqondayo nabaqondayo." Enye indoda yabona ukuthi, ekhuluma ngaye nempilo yakhe, wayejwayele ukukhuluma ngezwi eliphakeme, kanti empeleni wayejwayele ukusabela okuncane kakhulu ezimeni eziningi ezivame kakhulu.

Ukuqaphela okuqukethwe lenkulumo yakhe. Ukungavuthwa kwe-neurotic cishe njalo kuyaziveza ngokuthambekela kokukhononda - ngamazwi nangenye indlela - ngawe, ngezimo, ngabanye, ngempilo nje jikelele. Ezingxoxweni nasezikhulwini zabantu abaningi abane-neurosis yobungqingili, inani elikhulu le-egocentrism liyabonakala: "Uma ngivakashela abangane, ngikwazi ukukhuluma ngami isikhathi esingaphezu kwehora," elinye iklayenti livumile. "Futhi lapho befuna ukungitshela ngami, ukunakwa kwami ​​kuyazulazula, futhi kunzima kimi ukubalalela." Lokhu kubonwa akukodwa. Ukuzicabangela kuhambisana nokuhayiza, futhi izingxoxo eziningi zabantu "abane-neurocissistic" zigcina ngezikhalazo. Rekhoda ezinye zezingxoxo zakho ezijwayelekile kuteyipu bese uzilalela okungenani kathathu - le yinqubo engathandeki futhi efundisayo!

Ucwaningo olunzulu kakhulu lwakho isimo sengqondo kubazali nemicabango ngabo... Ngokuqondene ne-ego "yengane", indlela aziphatha ngayo kulokhu ingabonakala ngokunamathela, ukuvukela, ukwedelela, umona, ukuzihlukanisa, ukufuna ukunakwa noma ukunconywa, ukuthembela, ukukhetha, njll. Isimo esinjalo sobuntwana sihlala noma ngabe abazali (umzali ) akusekho: ukunamathiselwa ngokweqile okufanayo noma ubutha kanye nokuthukwa! Hlukanisa ubuhlobo bakho nobaba wakho nonyoko. Khumbula ukuthi "ukuzazisa kobuntwana" cishe kutholakala ebudlelwaneni nabazali, kungaba ukuziphatha kwangaphandle noma emicabangweni nasemizweni.

Kufanele kubhekisiswe okufanayo ubudlelwane nomuntu oshade naye, umlingani ongathandani naye, noma umlingiswa oyinhloko wemicabango yakho... Imikhuba eminingi yezingane itholakala kule ndawo yokugcina: ukufuna ukunakwa kwezingane, ukudlala indima, ukunamathela; izenzo ezincokolayo, ezikhohlisayo, ezenziwa ngumona, njll. Thembeka kakhulu kuwe ekucabangeni kwakho kule ndawo, ngoba kulapho kutholakala khona (okuqondakalayo) ukuphika, hhayi ukubona izinhloso ezithile, ukuthethelela kutholakala.

Mayelana mina, phawula ukuthi imiphi imicabango ngawe onayo (emibi nengalungile). Yazi ukuzishaya isifuba, ukuzigxeka ngokweqile, ukuzijezisa, imizwa yokuzenyeza, njll., Kepha futhi ne-narcissism, ukuzincoma, ukuzihlonipha okufihlekile nganoma imuphi umqondo, amaphupho akho, njll. imicabango, amaphupho nemizwa. Ungakwazi ukubona imizwa, ukudangala ngaphakathi kuwe? Ingabe kukhona ukucwiliswa kokuzidabukela? Noma kungenzeka izifiso nokuzilimaza okungenzeka? (Lesi samuva saziwa ngokuthi "i-psychic masochism", okungukuthi, ukuzilimaza ngamabomu okuthile okuzolimaza ngamabomu, noma ukucwiliswa ekuhluphekeni okuzenzele noma okutholwe ngamabomu).

Mayelana ubulili, cabanga ngemicabango yakho bese uzama ukuthola izici zokubukeka, zokuziphatha noma izimfanelo zakho siqu ezivusa intshisekelo yakho kumlingani wangempela noma ocatshangelwe. Bese uwalungisa ngemizwa yakho yobuphansi ngokuya ngomthetho: okusishukumisela kwabanye yikho kanye esikubona kungaphansi. Zama ukubona ukuncoma kwezingane noma ukukhonza izithombe embonweni wakho walabo okuthiwa bangabangani. Zama futhi ukubona imizamo uziqhathanise nomunye indoda yobulili bakho ekuheheni kwakhe kuye nakulokho kubuhlungu umuzwa oxutshaniswe nenkanuko yenyama. Eqinisweni, lo muzwa obuhlungu noma inkanuko umuzwa wobuntwana: "Angifani naye (yena)" futhi, ngokufanele, isikhalazo noma ukububula okulusizi: "Ngifuna ukuba yena (yena) anginake, ngibe mpofu, isidalwa esingasho lutho!" Noma kungelula kakhulu ukuhlaziya imizwa yothando olunamandla okwami, njengengane efuna ngokweqiniso wonke umuntu ayazise. Phawula futhi ukuthi yiziphi izizathu zengqondo ezibangela imicabango yocansi noma isifiso sokushaya indlwabu. Imvamisa le yimizwa yokunganeliseki nokudumazeka, ngakho-ke izifiso zobulili zinomsebenzi wokududuza "umuntu ompofu."

Ngaphezu kwalokho, kuyadingeka ukunakauyifeza kanjani "indima" yendoda noma yowesifazane. Hlola ukubona ukuthi kukhona yini okubonisayo ngokwesaba nokugwema imisebenzi nezintshisakalo ezibonakaliswa ubulili bakho, nokuthi ngabe uzizwa uphansi yini ngokwenza lokho. Ngabe unayo imikhuba nezintshisekelo ezingahambelani nobulili bakho? Lezi zinhloso zokuziphatha zobulili obuhlukile noma ubulili kanye nokuziphatha kuyizindima eziningi ezingenangqondo, futhi uma uzibhekisisa, uvame ukubona ukwesaba okukhona noma imizwa yokungaphansi. Lokhu kungalingani ngokobulili kungakhuluma nangokuthi egcerrism nokungavuthwa. Isibonelo, omunye wesifazane wabona ukuthi izindlela zakhe zokufuna ukubusa nokubonisa ubushiqela “zifana” naleyo ndlela yokuzibophezela ebusheni bakhe, nokuyilapho aphendukela khona ngenhloso yokuthola indawo yakhe phakathi kwabantu, ngombono wokuthi “okungeyona eyakhe”. Le ndima, manje imvelo yakhe yesibili (igama eliqondile impela), sekuyindlela yakhe yokuphila yobuntwana "nami." Omunye ongqingili onamaqhinga okubonisa ubungqingili besifazane athola ukuthi wayehlala exakekile ngokuziphatha kwakhe. Le ndlela yesifazane, njengoba ayeyiqonda, yayihlangene kakhulu nemizwa eqinile nejwayelekile yokuphansi kanye nokuntula ukuzethemba okujwayelekile. Enye indoda yafunda ukuqaphela ukuthi indlela yayo yokuziphatha njengabesifazane ihlotshaniswa nobudlelwano obubili obuhlukile: ukwaneliseka kusuka ekujabuleni okungenangqondo kwendima yomuntu omuhle, onjengamantombazane amancane; kanye nokwesaba (umuzwa wokuthi ungaphansi) kokuthola ukuzethemba kwesibindi.

Kuzothatha isikhashana ngaphambi kokuba ufunde ukungena ngokujulile kuwe. Ngendlela, imikhuba yobulili obuhlukile ivame ukubonakaliswa ezinweleni, ezingutsheni nasezindleleni ezahlukahlukene zokukhuluma, ukushukuma komzimba, ukuhamba, ukuhleka, njll.

Kufanele unake kakhulu indlela wena sebenza... Ngabe wenza umsebenzi wakho wansuku zonke ngokungathandi nangokungathandi, noma ngenjabulo nangamandla? Ngomthwalo wemfanelo? Noma ingabe yindlela yakho yokuziqinisa engavuthiwe? Ngabe umphatha ngokunganeliseki, nokunganeliseki ngokweqile?

Ngemuva kwesikhathi esithile sokungena ngaphakathi, fingqa izici ezibaluleke kakhulu nezisusa ze-ego yakho yobuntwana, noma "ingane engaphakathi." Ezimweni eziningi, isihlokwana singaba wusizo: “Umfana ongenakuzisiza, ohlale efuna ukudatshukelwa nokuxhaswa” noma “Intombazane ephatheke kabi engaqondwa muntu”, njll. Izimo ezithile zangaphambilini noma zamanje zingabonisa ngokusobala izici zalowo “mfana” noma “ amantombazane ". Izinkumbulo ezinjalo zivela ngesimo sesithombe esiphilayo ngokubamba iqhaza "kwengane yakho kusukela esikhathini esedlule" futhi zingambonisa ngaso leso sikhathi. Ngakho-ke, singabaphatha njengezinkumbulo ezisemqoka. Bangaba lusizo olukhulu ngesikhathi lapho kudingeka khona ukubona le "ngane" ekuziphatheni kwabo njengamanje kwezinsana noma lapho lokhu kuziphatha kudinga ukuphikiswa. Lezi wuhlobo "lwezithombe" zengqondo "zengqondo yengane" ohamba nazo, njengezithombe zamalungu omndeni noma abangane esikhwameni sakho semali. Chaza inkumbulo yakho yokhiye.

Ukuzazi ngokokuziphatha

Izigaba zokuzibuza okukhulunywe ngazo lapha kuze kube manje zihlobene nezehlakalo ezithile, zangaphakathi nezokuziphatha. Kodwa-ke, kukhona izinga lesibili lokuzazi - ngokwengqondo nangokuziphatha. Ukuzibheka ngokwalo mbono ngokwengxenye kuhambisana nohlobo lokuzihlola ngokwengqondo okushiwo ngenhla. Ukuzazi ngokuziphatha kugxile kakhulu kumsuka wobuntu. Ngokuya ngezinzuzo, ukuzazi ngokwengqondo, okusho ukuthi uyaziqonda ngokwakho, kungakhuthaza kakhulu ugqozi lokushintsha. Kumele sikhumbule ukuqonda okukhanyayo kukaHenri Bariuk: "Ukuziphatha okuhle kuyitshe legumbi lengqondo yethu" (1979, 291). Ngabe lokhu kungabalulekile ekwelashweni kwengqondo, noma ekwelapheni, noma kokuzifundela?

Ukuziqonda komphefumulo ngokokuziphatha kubhekana nesimo sangaphakathi esizinzile, yize kutholakala ngokuziphatha okukhonkolo. Enye indoda yabona ukuthi yaqamba amanga okobuntwana kanjani ezimweni ezithile ngenxa yokwesaba ukuhlanjalazwa. Kulokhu wabona isimo sengqondo, noma umkhuba wobugovu bakhe, obabubambe bujule kakhulu kunomkhuba wokuqamba amanga ukuze azivikele (ngenxa yokwesaba ukulimaza ukuzazisa kwakhe), okungukuthi, ukuzazisa kwakhe okugxilile, ukungcola kwakhe kokuziphatha ("ukuba nesono," njengoba umKristu esho). Leli zinga lokuzazi, ngokungahambisani nokusebenza kwengqondo kuphela, libaluleke kakhulu. Uletha nenkululeko - futhi ngenxa yalesi sizathu; amandla ayo okuphulukisa angenza okungaphezulu kokuqonda okujwayelekile kwengqondo. Kepha imvamisa asikwazi ukudweba umugqa ocacile phakathi kokuziphatha nokuziphatha, ngoba ukuqonda okunempilo kakhulu kwengqondo kuhlobene nobukhulu bokuziphatha (ngokwesibonelo, ukuqaphela ukuzidabukela ebuntwaneni). Kuyathakazelisa ukuthi izinto eziningi esizibiza ngokuthi "ezobuntwana" nazo zizwakala zisolwa ngokuziphatha, kwesinye isikhathi zize ziziphathe kabi.

Ubugovu yinto ejwayelekile kunayo yonke, uma kungeyona yonke, imikhuba yokuziphatha okubi nokuziphatha, "okubi" ngakolunye uhlangothi lohlelo lwe-bipolar; ngakolunye uhlangothi, ubuhle, imikhuba emihle yokuziphatha. Kungaba wusizo kulabo abafisa ukuhlola inhlanganisela yabo ye-neurotic ukuze bazicabangele ngokuziphatha. Okufanele ukunake:

1. ukwaneliseka - ukunganeliseki (kubhekisa, eqinisweni, ekuthambekeleni kokuzitika ngokuzenyeza nokuzithethelela);

2. isibindi - ubugwala (maka izimo ezithile nezindawo zokuziphatha lapho ubona khona izici);

3. ukubekezela, ukuqina - ubuthakathaka, inkani ebuthakathaka, ukugwema ubunzima, ukuzitika ngawe;

4. Ukulinganisela - ukungazikhuzi, ukuzithokozisa, ukuzithokozisa (ukungakwazi ukuzibamba kungaba kubi ekudleni, ekuphuzeni, ekukhulumeni, ekusebenzeni, noma kuzo zonke izinhlobo zenkanuko);

5. ukukhuthala, ukusebenza kanzima - ubuvila (kunoma iyiphi indawo);

6. ukuthobeka, ukuba ngokoqobo maqondana nesiqu sakho - ukuzikhukhumeza, ukuzikhukhumeza, ize, ukuhamba ngezinyawo (chaza indawo yokuziphatha);

7. isizotha - ukungabi nasizotha;

8. ukwethembeka nobuqotho - ukungathembeki, ubuqotho nokuthambekela ekuqambeni amanga (chaza);

9. ukuthembeka - ukungathembeki (maqondana nabantu, izenzo, izithembiso);

10. isibopho (umuzwa ojwayelekile wesibopho) - ukunganaki (maqondana nomndeni, abangane, abantu, umsebenzi, izabelo);

11. ukuqonda, ukuthethelela - ukuziphindiselela, intukuthelo, intukuthelo, ukulimala (maqondana namalungu omndeni, abangane, osebenza nabo, njll.);

12. injabulo ejwayelekile yokuba nempahla ukuhaha (chaza ukubonakaliswa).

Imibuzo ebalulekile yomuntu ofaka ugqozi lwayo:

Ukwahlulela imisebenzi yami nezinto engizithandayo umgomo wangempela empilweni? Ngabe umsebenzi wami uhlose kimi noma kwabanye, ukufeza umsebenzi, ukufeza izinhloso, izinhloso zenhloso? (Izinjongo eziziqondayo zibandakanya: imali nempahla, amandla, udumo, ukuqashelwa emphakathini, ukunakwa kwabantu kanye / noma inhlonipho, impilo ntofontofo, ukudla, isiphuzo, ucansi).

8. Okudingayo ukuze ukuthuthukise kuwe

Ukuqala kwempi: ithemba, ukuzikhuza, ubuqotho

Ukuziqonda kangcono ngokwakho kuyisinyathelo sokuqala kunoma yiluphi ushintsho. Njengoba ukwelashwa kuqhubeka (futhi le kuyimpi), ukuzazi kwakho nokushintsha kuyajula. Ungahle ubone okuningi, kepha uzoqonda okuningi ngokuhamba kwesikhathi.

Ukuqonda amandla we-neurosis yakho kuzokunika ukubekezela, futhi ukubekezela kuzoqinisa ithemba. Ithemba ukucabanga okuhle nokune-neurotic okuhle futhi okunempilo. Kwesinye isikhathi ithemba lingenza izinkinga zibe lula kakhulu futhi linyamalale isikhashana. Kodwa-ke, izimpande zemikhuba eyakha i-neurosis akulula ukuyikhipha, ngakho-ke izimpawu kungenzeka ziphinde zivele. Kodwa-ke, kuyo yonke inqubo yenguquko, ithemba kufanele laziswe. Ithemba ligxile kokungokoqobo: akukhathaleki ukuthi imizwa ye-neurotic - ngakho-ke imizwa yobungqingili - ivela, noma ngabe uzitika kangaki kuyo, inqobo nje uma wenza umzamo wokushintsha, uzobona impumelelo enhle. Ukuphelelwa yithemba kuyingxenye yomdlalo, okungenani ezimweni eziningi, kepha udinga ukumelana nakho, wazi kahle, futhi uqhubeke. Ithemba elinjalo lifana nethemba elizolile, hhayi injabulo.

Isinyathelo esilandelayo - ukuzikhuza - sibaluleke impela. Lesi sinyathelo sithinta, ikakhulukazi, izinto ezijwayelekile: ukuvuka ngesikhathi esithile; ukunamathela emithethweni yenhlanzeko yomuntu siqu, ukudla, izinwele nokunakekelwa kwezingubo; ukuhlela usuku (cishe, hhayi ngokucophelela futhi okuphelele), ezokungcebeleka nempilo yomphakathi. Maka bese uqala ukusebenza ezindaweni lapho untula khona noma untula ukuzithiba. Abantu abaningi abanokuthambekela kobungqingili banenkinga ethile yokuziqeqesha. Ukungazinaki lezi zinkinga ngethemba lokuthi ukuphulukiswa okungokomzwelo kuzoshintsha konke okunye kube ngcono ubuwula nje. Akukho muthi ongathola imiphumela egculisayo uma le ngxenye ebonakalayo yokuzikhuza nsuku zonke inganakwa. Woza nendlela elula yokulungisa ubuthakathaka bakho obujwayelekile. Qala ngendawo eyodwa noma ezimbili lapho uhluleka khona; ukutholile ukuthuthuka kuzo, uzonqoba kalula konke okunye.

Ngokwemvelo, ubuqotho buyadingeka lapha. Okokuqala, ubuqotho kuwe. Lokhu kusho ukuzijwayeza ukuhlola kahle konke okwenzeka engqondweni yakho, izinhloso zakho kanye nezinhloso zangempela, kufaka nokwenziwa unembeza. Ubunyoninco akusho ukuthi uzokwazi ukuzikhohlisa ngokungahambisani nemibono nemizwa yalokho okubizwa ngokuthi “ingxenye engcono”, kepha emzamweni wokukhuluma ngabo ngokusobala nangokusobala, ukuze wandise ukuqonda kwabo. (Kwenze umkhuba ukubhala phansi imicabango ebalulekile nokuzikhombisa.)

Ngaphezu kwalokho, ubuqotho kusho ukudalula ngesibindi ubuthakathaka bakho namaphutha akho komunye umuntu, njengomelaphi noma umholi / umeluleki, osizayo. Cishe wonke umuntu unesifiso sokufihla izici ezithile zezinhloso zabo nemizwa yabo kuye nakwabanye. Kodwa-ke, ukunqoba lesi sithini akugcini nje ngokuholela enkululekweni, kodwa futhi kuyadingeka ukuthi uqhubekele phambili.

Kulezi zidingo ezingenhla, umKristu uzokwengeza ubuqotho phambi kukaNkulunkulu ekuhlaziyeni kanembeza wakhe, engxoxweni-engxoxweni naYe. Ukungathembeki maqondana noNkulunkulu kungaba, ngokwesibonelo, kube ngumkhuleko wokucela usizo lapho ungekho okungenani umzamo wokusebenzisa imizamo yethu yokwenza lokho esingakwenza, ngaphandle komphumela.

Ngokunikwa ukuthambekela kwengqondo ye-neurotic ebuhlungwini obukhulu, kubalulekile ukuxwayisa ukuthi ubuqotho akufanele bube yaseshashalazini, kepha bube bukhali, bulula futhi buvuleke.

Ungabhekana kanjani nokuzwela kwe-neurotic. Indima yokuzicunula

Lapho empilweni yakho yansuku zonke uthola ukuboniswa okungahleliwe noma okujwayelekile “kwengane ekhononda ngaphakathi”, cabanga ukuthi le "nto engeyinhle" imi phambi kwakho enyameni, noma ukuthi umuntu wakho omdala "Mina" usezibeke endaweni yomntwana, ukuze kushiywe isidumbu somuntu omdala. Ngemuva kwalokho hlola ukuthi le ngane izoziphatha kanjani, izocabangani ngayo nokuthi izizwa kanjani ezimweni ezithile kusuka empilweni yakho. Ukuze ucabange kahle "ingane" yakho yangaphakathi, ungasebenzisa "inkumbulo exhasayo", isithombe somqondo "wengane" yengane yakho.

Ukuziphatha okubucayi nobukhali okwenzeka enganeni kulula ukukubona. Ukwenza isibonelo, omunye umuntu uthi: “Ngizwa sengathi ngingumfana omncane (kungathi bangilahlile, bangikhathalele, ngikhathazeka ngesizungu, ukuhlazeka, ukugxekwa, ngizizwa nginovalo ngomuntu obalulekile, noma ngithukuthele, ngifuna ukwenza konke ngenhloso nangeze, njll.). Futhi, umuntu ovela ngaphandle uyakwazi ukubona le ndlela futhi aqaphele: "Uziphatha njengomntwana!"

Kepha ukuyivuma kuwe akuyona into elula ngaso sonke isikhathi, futhi kunezizathu ezimbili zalokhu.

Okokuqala, abanye bangamelana nokuzibona njengengane: "Imizwa yami ibucayi futhi inengqondo!", "Mhlawumbe ngingumntwana ngezindlela ezithile, kepha nginezizathu zokujabula futhi ngicasuke!" Ngamafuphi , ukuzibheka ngobuqotho kungavinjelwa ukuqhosha kwezingane. Ngakolunye uhlangothi, imizwa nokuphendula kwangaphakathi kwesinye isikhathi kungahle kungabonakali. Kwesinye isikhathi kunzima ukubona imicabango yakho yangempela, imizwa noma izifiso zakho; ngaphezu kwalokho, kungahle kungacaci ukuthi yini okuvuse ukusabela kwangaphakathi esimweni noma ekuziphatheni kwabanye.

Esimweni sokuqala, ubuqotho buzosiza, ngokuqondene nesibili - ukucabanga, ukuhlaziywa, ukucabanga kuzosiza. Bhala phansi ukusabela okungacacile futhi uxoxe ngakho nomelaphi wakho noma umeluleki wakho; ungathola ukuphawula kwakhe noma imibuzo ebucayi ilusizo. Uma lokhu kungaholeli esixazululweni esigculisayo, ungahlehlisa isiqephu isikhashana. Njengoba uzijwayeza ukuzitholela nokuzilolonga, njengoba uthola ukwazi "ingane yakho yangaphakathi" kanye nokuphendula kwayo okujwayelekile, izimo ezingachazeki ngeke zivame kakhulu.

Kodwa-ke, kuzoba nezimo eziningi lapho izikhalazo "zengane", izimfanelo zobuntwana zokuphendula komuntu kwangaphakathi nangaphandle kuzoba sobala ngaphandle kokuhlaziywa. Kwesinye isikhathi kwanele nje ukuzibona "ungathokozi" - bese kuvela ibanga elingaphakathi phakathi kwakho nemizwa yobuntwana, ukuzidabukela. Umuzwa ongathandeki akudingeki unyamalale ngokuphelele ukuze ulahlekelwe ubukhali bawo.

Kwesinye isikhathi kuyadingeka ukufaka indida, ukugcizelela ukuhlekisa komuntu "ngeshwa" - ngokwesibonelo, ukuzwela "ingane yakho yangaphakathi", ingane yakho "I": "O, kubuhlungu kanjani! Isono! - Uyinto ehluphekayo! " Uma kusebenza, ukumamatheka okuncane kuzovela, ikakhulukazi uma ukwazi ukucabanga ngesimo esidabukisayo ebusweni bale ngane esedlule. Le ndlela ingashintshwa ukuze ihambisane nezinto ezithandwa nguwe kanye namahlaya. Hlekisa ngobuntwana bakho.

Okungcono kakhulu, uma unethuba lokuhlekisa ngale ndlela phambi kwabanye: lapho behleka kabili, umphumela uyaqina.

Kunezikhalazo ezinamandla kakhulu, noma ezibukeka ngokweqile, ikakhulukazi lezo ezihambisana namaphuzu amathathu: ngesipiliyoni sokwaliwa - ngokwesibonelo, umuzwa wokuziqhenya ngengane elimele, ukungabi nalutho, ububi nokuzenyeza; ngezikhalazo zenhlalakahle yomzimba, njengokukhathala; futhi, ekugcineni, ngengcindezi yokungabi nabulungisa ehlupheka noma izimo ezingezinhle. Kulezo zikhalazo, sebenzisa indlela ye-hyperdramatization eyenziwe ngudokotela wezifo zengqondo u-Arndt. Kuseqinisweni lokuthi isikhalazo esibuhlungu noma esimangazayo sezinsana senziwa ihaba size sifike ezingeni, ukuze umuntu aqale ukumamatheka noma aze asihleke. Le ndlela yasetshenziswa intuitively ngumbhali wemidlalo yaseshashalazini waseFrance uMoliere wekhulu le-17, owayephethwe yi-hypochondria engalawuleki: waveza ukuthanda kwakhe kumdlalo wamahlaya, iqhawe lawo elenza ihaba lokuhlupheka kwakhe ezifweni ezicatshangelwayo ukuze izilaleli kanye nomlobi uqobo bahleke kabuhlungu.

Ukuhleka kungumuthi omuhle kakhulu wemizwa ye-neurotic. Kepha kuzodinga isibindi nokuqeqeshwa okuthile ngaphambi kokuba umuntu asho okuthile okuhlekisayo ngaye (okungukuthi, ngengane yakhe uqobo), azenzele isithombe esihlekisayo noma azisonge ngamabomu phambi kwesibuko, alingise ubuntu bomntwana, indlela aziphatha ngayo, izwi elibusayo, azihlekise ngaye nemizwa elimele. I- "I" ye-neurotic izithathela phezulu kakhulu - ihlangabezana nanoma yiziphi izikhalazo njengenhlekelele yangempela. Kuyathakazelisa ukuthi ngasikhathi sinye, umuntu angaba nomqondo ohlekisayo namahlaya ngezinto ezingamthinti yena uqobo.

I-Hyperdramatization yindlela eyinhloko yokuzikhohlisa, kepha noma iyiphi enye ingasetshenziswa.

Ngokuvamile, amahlaya akhonza ukuthola ukuhambisana, ukuhlangana kwemizwa yokuba "obalulekile" noma "okubi", ukulwa nezikhalazo nokuzisola, kungcono ukwamukela okungenakugwenywa futhi, ngaphandle kokukhononda, ukuthwala noma ibuphi ubunzima, usize umuntu ukuba abe namaqiniso, bona ukuhlangana kwangempela kwezinkinga zabo ngokuqhathanisa nezinkinga zabanye. Konke lokhu kusho ukuthi kuyadingeka ukukhulisa umbono ongokoqobo womhlaba nabanye abantu abenziwe ngopopayi.

Ngokwe-hyperdramatization, ingxoxo yakhiwa sengathi "ingane" iphambi kwethu noma ingaphakathi kwethu. Isibonelo, uma ukuzidabukela kuvela esimweni sokungabi nabungani noma sohlobo oluthile lokwenqatshwa, lowo muntu angabhekisa kumntwana ongaphakathi ngale ndlela elandelayo: “Vanya ndini, uphathwe kabi kanjani! Ushaywe umzimba wonke, oh, ngisho nezingubo zakho beziklebhukile, kodwa yini imihuzuko! .. "Uma uzizwa ulimele ukuziqhenya kobuntwana, ungasho lokhu:" Into embi, bakulahlile yini, Napoleon, njengoyisemkhulu kaLenin ngeminyaka yoma-XNUMX? ”- futhi ngasikhathi sinye, cabanga ngesixuku esihlekisayo kanye" nento empofu "eboshwe ngezintambo, bekhala. Ukuze uzidabukele ngesizungu, esivame kakhulu kubantu bobungqingili, ungaphendula ngale ndlela elandelayo: “Yeka ukwethuka! Ihembe lakho limanzi, amashidi manzi, ngisho namafasitela afakwe inkungu ngenxa yezinyembezi zakho! Sekunamaxhaphozi phansi, futhi kuzo izinhlanzi ezinamehlo adabukisayo zibhukuda zizungeze "... njalonjalo.

Ongqingili abaningi, abesilisa nabesifazane, bazizwa bengemuhle kakhulu kunabanye bobulili obufanayo, yize kubaphatha kabi ukuvuma lokho. Kulokhu, yenza ihaba isikhalazo esikhulu (ukuzaca, isisindo eseqile, izindlebe ezinkulu, ikhala, amahlombe amancane, njll.). Ukumisa ukuziqhathanisa kabi nabanye abantu, abakhanga kakhudlwana, cabanga "ingane" yakho njengesihambi esishiyayo, esishiywa yiwo wonke umuntu, sikhubazekile, sigqoke izingubo eziwuthuthu ezibanga isihawu. Indoda ingazicabanga njengesiqhwaga esikhala kancane, esingenayo ngokuphelele imisipha namandla omzimba, enezwi elinciphizayo, njll. Owesifazane angacabanga "intombazane" esabekayo enesilevu, ama-biceps afana nekaSchwarzenegger, njll. into engeyinhle esithombeni esithandekayo, esenza ihaba ngobuhlakani babanye abantu, cabanga ngesikhalo esibuhlungu sothando lomuntu "ompofu" ofela emgwaqweni, ngenkathi abanye abantu bedlula, bengamnaki lo mceli omncane olambele uthando.

Ngenye indlela, ake ucabange ngesimo esihle lapho othandekayo othandekayo ethatha umfana noma intombazane ehluphekayo kuze kuthi noma inyanga ikhala igcwele imizwa: “Ekugcineni, uthando oluncane, ngemuva kwako konke ukuhlupheka!” Cabanga nje ukuthi lesi sehlakalo sidutshulwe ngekhamera efihlekile bese kuthi lapho bayakhombisa nge-cinema: izethameli zikhala ngokungayeki, izibukeli zishiya lo mbukiso uphukile, zibabaze izingalo zodwa ngale nto empofu, okuthe ngemuva kokusesha okuningi kangaka, yathola ukufudumala komuntu. Ngakho-ke, isidingo esibuhlungu sothando "ingane" sithuthukisiwe. E-hyperdramatization, umuntu ukhululekile ngokuphelele, angazitholela izindaba zizonke, kwesinye isikhathi izinganekwane zingafaka izakhi zempilo yangempela. Sebenzisa noma yini engahle ibonakale ihlekisa kuwe; qamba umkhiqizo wakho ozenzele wona.

Uma noma ubani ephikisa ukuthi lokhu kungubuwula nobuntwana, ngiyavuma. Kepha imvamisa ukuphikisa kuvela ekumelaneni kwangaphakathi nokuzikhohlisa. Iseluleko sami-ke ukuthi uqale ngamahlaya amancane angenacala ngezinkinga ongazinaki ukuthi zibaluleke kakhulu. Amahlaya angasebenza kahle, kanti yize kungamahlaya obuntwana, akumele sikhohlwe ukuthi leli qhinga linqoba imizwa yobuntwana. Ukusetshenziswa kwe-self-irony kubeka okungenani ukungena okuncane engxenyeni yobuntwana noma ye-pubertal yalokhu kusabela. Isinyathelo sokuqala ngaso sonke isikhathi ukukhomba nokwazisa ubuntwana nokuzidabukela. Qaphela futhi ukuthi ukuzenyeza kusetshenziswa njalo ngabantu abathobekile, abaphilile ngokwengqondo.

Kuhle kakhulu ukubuka lokho esikushoyo nokuthi sikusho kanjani ukuze sikhombe futhi silwe nokuthambekela okudabukisayo. Umuntu kungenzeka ukuthi ukhononda ngaphakathi noma ngokuzwakalayo, ngakho-ke udinga ukugcina umkhondo wezingxoxo zakho nabangane noma osebenza nabo bese umaka engqondweni izikhathi lapho ufuna ukukhononda. Zama ukungalandeli lesi sifiso: shintsha isihloko noma usho okuthile okufana nalokhu: "Lokhu kunzima (kubi, akulungile, njll.), Kodwa kufanele sizame ukuthola okuningi kulesi simo." Ngokwenza lokhu kuhlolwa okulula ngezikhathi ezithile, uzothola ukuthi ukuthambekela okunamandla kangakanani kokukhononda ngesiphetho sakho kanye nokwesaba, nokuthi uvama ukunqotshwa kaningi kangakanani futhi kalula kulesi silingo. Kuyadingeka futhi ukuthi sigweme isifiso sokuzwelana lapho abanye bekhononda, beveza intukuthelo yabo noma ukungenami kwabo.

Ukwelashwa "okubi", noma kunjalo, akuyona inguqulo eyenziwe lula "yokucabanga okuhle." Akukho lutho olungalungile ngokuzwakalisa ukudabuka noma ubunzima kubangani noma kumalungu omndeni - inqobo nje uma kwenziwa ngokuzithiba, ngokulingana neqiniso. Imizwa nemicabango ejwayelekile engemihle akufanele ilahlwe ngenxa yehaba "lokucabanga okuhle": isitha sethu kuphela ukuzidabukela kobuntwana. Zama ukuhlukanisa phakathi kwezinkulumo ezivamile zosizi nokukhungatheka nokuklabalasa kwengane nokuhhewula.

"Kodwa ukuze uhlupheke futhi ungazitholi uzwelana nosana, hhayi ukukhononda, udinga amandla nesibindi!" - uyaphikisana. Ngempela, lo mzabalazo udinga okungaphezu kokuhlekisa nje. Kusho ukuthi kuzodingeka usebenze ngokwakho njalo, usuku nosuku.

Isineke nokuthobeka

Umsebenzi onzima uholela ebuhleni besineke - ukuzibekezelela wena, ukwehluleka kwakho, kanye nokuqonda ukuthi ushintsho luzohamba kancane. Ukungabekezeli kuyisici sobusha: kunzima enganeni ukwamukela ubuthakathaka bayo, futhi lapho ifuna ukushintsha okuthile, ikholelwa ukuthi kufanele kwenzeke ngaso leso sikhathi. Ngokuphambene nalokho, ukuzamukela okunempilo (okuhluke ngokuphelele ekuzitikeni okwandile kobuthakathaka) kusho umzamo omkhulu, kepha ngasikhathi sinye uzamukele ngokuzithoba ngobuthakathaka bakho nelungelo lokwenza amaphutha. Ngamanye amagama, ukuzamukela kusho ukuhlanganiswa kweqiniso, ukuzihlonipha nokuzithoba.

Ukuthobeka yinto esemqoka eyenza umuntu avuthwe. Eqinisweni, ngamunye wethu unezindawo zakhe ezicashile, futhi kaningi amaphutha abonakalayo - kokubili ngokwengqondo nangokokuziphatha. Ukuzicabangela "njengeqhawe" elimsulwa ukucabanga njengengane; ngakho-ke, ukudlala indima ebucayi kungobuntwana, noma, ngamanye amazwi, kuyinkomba yokuntula ukuthobeka. UCarl Stern uthi: "Lokho okubizwa ngokuthi ukwehliswa okuyisisekelo kuphambene ngqo nokuzithoba kwangempela" (1951, 97). Ukuvivinya umzimba ngenxa yokuthobeka kuyasiza kakhulu ekulweni ne-neurosis. Futhi ukuziphambanisa ukuze kutholakale ukuhlobana kobuntwana obuncane kanye nokuphonsela inselelo izimangalo zakho ekubalulekeni kungabonakala njengokuzivocavoca kokuthobeka.

Isakhiwo esiphansi kuvamise ukuhambisana nomqondo ophakeme wokuphakama endaweni ethile noma kwenye. Ukuzimela kwengane kuzama ukufakazela ukubaluleka kwayo, futhi, kwehluleka ukwamukela ukwehla kwayo okusolwayo, kuthathwa ukuzidabukela. Izingane ngokwemvelo zinobugovu, zizizwa "zibalulekile" sengathi ziyisikhungo sendawo yonke; bathambekele ekuziqhenyeni, kuyiqiniso, izingane - ngoba bayizingane. Ngomqondo othile, kunoma ikuphi ukwedelela okuyinkimbinkimbi kunesici sokuziqhenya okulimele, kuze kufike ezingeni lokuthi ingane engaphakathi ingakwamukeli ukwehliswa kwakhe (okusolwa). Lokhu kuchaza imizamo elandelayo yokukhokha ngokweqile: "Eqinisweni, ngikhethekile - ngingcono kunabanye." Lokhu, futhi, kusebenza njengokhiye wokuqonda ukuthi kungani ekuziqiniseni kwe-neurotic, ekudlaleni izindima, esifisweni sokuba yisikhungo sokunakwa nokuzwelana, sibhekene nokuntula ukuthobeka: ukuzethemba okonakele kakhulu kuhlobene ne-megalomania. Futhi-ke, abesilisa nabesifazane abanenkinga yobungqingili, sebenqume ukuthi izifiso zabo "zingokwemvelo", bavame ukunqotshwa yisifiso sokuguqula umehluko wabo ubuphakeme babo. Kungashiwo okufanayo ngabanukubezi bezingane: U-André Gide uchaze "uthando" lwakhe kubafana njengokubonakaliswa okuphezulu kothando lomuntu ngomuntu. Iqiniso lokuthi ongqingili, abafaka okungokwemvelo esikhundleni semvelo futhi babize iqiniso ngamanga, aqhutshwa ukuziqhenya akuyona nje umbono; lokhu kuyabonakala nasezimpilweni zabo. "Ngangiyinkosi," omunye owayeyisitabane wakubeka mayelana nokudlula kwakhe. Ongqingili abaningi bayize, baziphethe kabi futhi bagqoka - kwesinye isikhathi kuze kufike nasemikhawulweni. Abanye ongqingili bayabadelela ubuntu "obujwayelekile", imishado "ejwayelekile", imindeni "ejwayelekile"; ukuzikhukhumeza kwabo kubashiya bengaboni izindinganiso eziningi.

Ngakho-ke ukuzikhukhumeza okuvela kwabesilisa nabesifazane abaningi abathandana nobungqingili ngokweqile. Ukuzizwa bephansi, inxanxathela yezingane "okungeyona eyayo" yathuthuka yaba nomoya wokuphakama: "Angiyena omunye wenu! Eqinisweni, ngingcono kunawe - ngikhethekile! Ngingumuntu ohlukile: Nginesiphiwo ikakhulukazi, ngiyazwela kakhulu. Futhi ngizimisele ukuhlupheka ikakhulukazi. " Kwesinye isikhathi lo muzwa wokuphakama ubeka abazali, ukunaka kwabo okukhethekile nokwazisa kwabo - okuvame ukubonwa kakhulu ebudlelwaneni nomzali wobulili obuhlukile. Umfana owayethandwa kakhulu ngunina uzothuthukisa kalula umqondo wokuphakama, njengentombazane evulela ikhala layo phezulu ukunakwa okukhethekile nokudunyiswa nguyise. Ukuzikhukhumeza kwabaningi bobungqingili kubuyela emuva ngqo ebuntwaneni, futhi, eqinisweni, kulokhu bafanelwe ukuzwelwa njengezingane ezingenangqondo: kuhlanganiswe nomuzwa wokubukela phansi, ukuzikhukhumeza kwenza ongqingili babe sengozini kalula futhi bazwele ikakhulukazi ekugxekweni.

Ukuthobeka, kunalokho, kuyakhulula. Ukuze ufunde ukuthobeka, kufanele uqaphele ekuziphatheni kwakho, amagama kanye nemicabango yezimpawu eziyize, ukuzikhukhumeza, ukuphakama, ukugcabha nokuqhosha, kanye nezimpawu zokuziqhenya okulimazayo, ukungathandi ukwamukela ukugxekwa okuzwakalayo. Kuyadingeka ukuphikisa, ngobumnene ukuhlekisa ngabo, noma ngenye indlela ukwenqabe okunjalo. Lokhu kwenzeka lapho umuntu ezakhela isithombe esisha "sakhe", "Mina ngangempela", eqaphela ukuthi unamakhono ngempela, kepha amakhono alinganiselwe, amandla "ajwayelekile" omuntu othobekile, angahlukaniswa okuthile okukhethekile.

9. Ukushintsha kokucabanga nokuziphatha

Ngesikhathi sokulwa kwangaphakathi nokuthambekela kobungqingili kumuntu, intando nekhono lokuzazi kufanele kuvuswe.

Ukubaluleka kwentando kunzima ukweqisa. Inqobo nje uma umuntu ethanda izifiso zobungqingili noma amaphupho, imizamo yokuletha ushintsho ayinakwenzeka ukuthi iphumelele. Impela, ngaso sonke isikhathi lapho umuntu enza ubungqingili ngasese noma ngokusobala, le ntshisekelo iyondliwa - ukuqhathanisa nokuluthwa utshwala noma ukulutha ukubhema kufanelekile lapha.

Inkomba enjalo yokubaluleka okukhulu kwefa akusho ukuthi, empeleni, ukuzazi ngokwakho akusizi ngalutho; kodwa-ke, ukuzazi akuniki amandla okunqoba izifiso zezinsana zezocansi - lokhu kungenzeka kuphela ngosizo lokuhlanganisa ngokugcwele intando. Lo mzabalazo kufanele wenziwe ngokuthula okuphelele, ngaphandle kokwethuka: kuyadingeka ukuthi ubekezele futhi ubhekane namaqiniso - njengomuntu omdala ozama ukulawula isimo esinzima. Ungavumeli isifiso senkanuko sikusabise, ungasenzi inhlekelele, ungasilahli, futhi ungenzi ihaba ukukhungatheka kwakho. Vele uzame ukuthi cha kulesi sifiso.

Masingayibukeli phansi intando. E-psychotherapy yesimanjemanje, ukugcizelela kuvame ukubekwa kokuqondisisa kwengqondo (i-psychoanalysis) noma ekufundeni (indlela yokuziphatha, i-psychology yezemfundo), kepha, kuzohlala kuyinto eyinhloko yoshintsho: ukuqonda nokuqeqeshwa kubalulekile, kepha ukusebenza kwabo kuncike kulokho intando okuhloswe ngakho .

Ngokuzicabangela wena, ubungqingili kufanele bufike esinqumweni esiqinile: "Angizishiyi lezi zinkanuko zobungqingili nethuba elincane." Kulesi sinqumo kuyadingeka ukuthi sikhule ngokungaguquguquki - ngokwesibonelo, ukubuyela kuso njalo, ikakhulukazi esimweni esizolile, lapho ukucabanga kungagcwele ukuvusa inkanuko. Ngemuva kwesinqumo esenziwe, umuntu uyakwazi ukudela isilingo ngisho nesasasa elingasho lutho lobungqingili noma ukuzijabulisa kwama-homoerotic, ukunikela ngokushesha nangokuphelele, ngaphandle kobumbili ngaphakathi. Ezimweni eziningi kakhulu, lapho ungqingili "efuna ukwelashwa", kepha engaphumeleli, iphuzu kungenzeka ukuthi "isinqumo" asikenziwa ekugcineni, ngakho-ke akakwazi ukulwa ngamandla futhi uthambekele ekusoleni amandla akhe ukuthambekela kobungqingili noma izimo. Ngemuva kweminyaka eminingana yempumelelo elinganiselayo futhi ngezikhathi ezithile ebuyela emaphusheni obungqingili, ubungqingili bethola ukuthi wayengafuni neze ukuqeda inkanuko yakhe, “Manje sengiyaqonda ukuthi kungani bekunzima kangaka. Impela, bengihlala ngifuna ukukhululwa, kepha angikaze ngifune iphesenti elilodwa! Ngakho-ke, umsebenzi wokuqala ukulwela ukuhlanza intando. Ngemuva kwalokho kuyadingeka ukuthi uvuselele isixazululo ngezikhathi ezithile ukuze siqine, sibe umkhuba, ngaphandle kwalokho, isixazululo sizophinda sibe buthakathaka futhi.

Kubalulekile ukuqonda ukuthi kuzoba nemizuzu, ngisho namahora, lapho inkululeko yokuzikhethela izohlaselwa ngokuqinile yizifiso zenkanuko. "Ngezikhathi ezinjalo, ekugcineni, ngifuna ukuvumela izifiso zami," abaningi baphoqeleka ukuba bavume. Ngalesi sikhathi umzabalazo impela awumnandi neze; kepha uma umuntu engenayo incwadi eqinile, cishe akubekezeleleki.

Izifiso zobungqingili zingahluka ngesimo: isibonelo, kungaba yisifiso sokucabanga ngomuntu ongamazi owabonwa emgwaqweni noma emsebenzini, ku-TV noma esithombeni ephephandabeni; kungaba isipiliyoni-sephupho esidalwa yimicabango ethile noma okuhlangenwe nakho okwedlule; kungaba yisifiso sokufuna umlingani ebusuku. Mayelana nalokhu, isinqumo esithi "cha" kokunye kuzoba lula ukusithatha kunesinye. Isifiso singaba namandla amakhulu kangangokuba ingqondo iba nefu, bese umuntu ephoqeleka ukuthi enze ngokuzithandela ngamandla. Ukucatshangelwa okubili kungasiza kulezi zikhathi ezinzima: "Kumele ngibe qotho, ngithembeke kimi, ngeke ngizikhohlise," futhi "ngisenenkululeko, yize nginesifiso esivuthayo." Siqeqesha intando yethu lapho sibona ukuthi: “Ngiyakwazi ukuhambisa isandla sami manje, sengingasukuma ngihambe khona manje - kufanele ngizinike umyalo. Kepha futhi kuyintando yami ukuhlala lapha kuleli gumbi nokuzibonakalisa ngiyinkosi yemizwa yami nokunxusa. Uma ngomile, ngithathe isinqumo sokungakwamukeli ukoma! " Amacebo amancane angasiza lapha: isibonelo, ungasho ngokuzwakalayo: "Nginqume ukuhlala ekhaya," noma, ngokubhala phansi noma ngekhanda imicabango eminingi ewusizo, izingcaphuno, uzifunde ngesikhathi sokulingwa.

Kepha kulula ngisho ukubheka buthule - ukuphula uchungechunge lwezithombe ngaphandle kokugxila ekubukekeni komuntu noma esithombeni. Isinqumo kulula ukusithatha uma sesithole okuthile. Zama ukuqaphela ukuthi uma ubheka enye, ungahle uqhathanise, “O! Prince Charming! Unkulunkulukazi! Futhi ngi ... uma ngiqhathaniswa nabo angiyinto yalutho. " Yazi ukuthi lezi zinkanuko zimane nje ziyinto edabukisayo yobuntwana bakho: “Umuhle kakhulu, ungowesilisa (njengowesifazane). Ngicela unginake, angijabule! " Lapho umuntu azi ngokwengeziwe "ngobuyena", kuba lula ngaye ukuthi aziqhelelanise naye futhi asebenzise isikhali sentando yakhe.

Indlela enhle yokuzisiza ukubona ukuthi kuvuthwe kangakanani ukufuna ukuthintana nobungqingili, kungaba ngamaphupho noma ngokoqobo. Zama ukubona ukuthi kulesi sifiso awuyena umuntu omdala, umuntu onokwethenjelwa, kepha uyingane efuna ukuzitotosa ngemfudumalo nenjabulo yenyama. Qonda ukuthi lolu akusilo uthando lweqiniso, kepha ukuzicabangela wena, ngoba umlingani uthathwa njengento yokuzijabulisa, hhayi njengomuntu, umuntu. Lokhu kufanele kukhunjulwe futhi uma kwenzeka kungekho sifiso sobulili.

Lapho uqonda ukuthi ukwaneliseka kobungqingili ngokwemvelo kuyizingane futhi kunobugovu, kuba khona ukuqwashiswa kokungcoliswa kwakho kokuziphatha. Inkanuko ifiphaza ukuqonda kokuziphatha, kepha ayikwazi ukuqeda ngokuphelele izwi likanembeza: abaningi banomuzwa wokuthi ukuziphatha kwabo kobungqingili noma ukushaya indlwabu kuyinto engcolile. Ukuqonda lokhu ngokucacile, kuyadingeka ukuqinisa ukuzimisela kokumelana nakho: ngokumelene nemvelaphi yemizwelo enempilo, ukungcola kuzobonakala ngokusobala kakhulu. Futhi ungalokothi ukhathale uma lo mbono uhlekwa usulu ngabasekeli bobungqingili - bamane bangathembeki. Vele, wonke umuntu uyazikhethela ukuthi uzobheka yini ukuhlanzeka nokungcola. Kepha ake sikhumbule ukuthi ukwenqaba kuleli cala kungumsebenzi wezokuvikela "ukunganaki". Elinye lamakhasimende ami lalinezifiso zonke ezazigxile entweni eyodwa: wahogela izingubo zangaphansi zabantu abasha futhi wacabanga ngemidlalo yezocansi nabo. Wasizwa ngumcabango ongazelelwe wokuthi ukwenza lokhu kuyadeleleka: wezwa ukuthi uhlukumeza umzimba wabangane bakhe ephusheni lakhe, esebenzisa izingubo zabo zangaphansi ukwaneliseka. Lomcabango wamenza wazizwa engcolile, engcolile. Njengakwezinye izenzo zokuziphatha okubi, lapho isimilo sokuziphatha singavunyelwa ngaphakathi (ngamanye amazwi, lapho sibona khona ngokusobala isenzo njengesibi ngokokuziphatha), kuba lula ukuthi cha.

Ukuvuswa kobungqingili kuvame ukuba "yimpendulo eduduzayo" ngemuva kokubhekana nokukhungatheka noma ukudumazeka. Ezimweni ezinjalo, ukuzidabukela okukhona kulokhu kufanele kubonwe futhi kudluliselwe phambili, ngoba amashwa abhekane kahle nawo awabangeli imicabango evusa inkanuko. Kodwa-ke, imizwa yobungqingili ivela ngezikhathi ezithile nangaphansi kwezimo ezihluke ngokuphelele, lapho umuntu ezizwa emkhulu futhi engacabangi nganoma yini enjalo. Lokhu kungadalwa izinkumbulo, izinhlangano. Umuntu uthola ukuthi uzithola esesimeni esake sahlotshaniswa nobungqingili: edolobheni elithile, endaweni ethile, ngosuku oluthile, njll. Ngokuphazima kweso, kufika isifiso sobungqingili - bese umuntu emangala. Kepha ngokuzayo, uma umuntu ezazi izikhathi ezinjalo kusuka kokuhlangenwe nakho, uzokwazi ukuzilungiselela, kufaka phakathi ngokuzikhumbuza njalo ngesinqumo sokungayeki "intelezi" engazelelwe yalezi zimo ezikhethekile.

Abantu abaningi abathandana nobungqingili, abesilisa nabesifazane, bahlala bephulula indlwabu futhi lokhu kubavalela ohlelweni lwezintshisekelo olungakhuli kanye nokuziphatha okubi kocansi. Umlutha ungahlulwa kuphela emzabalazweni omunyu, ngaphandle kokuyeka ukuwa okungaba khona.

Ukulwa nokushaya indlwabu kufana kakhulu nokulwa nezithombe ze-homoerotic, kepha kukhona nezici ezithile. Kwabaningi, ukushaya indlwabu kuyinduduzo ngemuva kokubhekana nokukhungatheka noma ukudumazeka. Umuntu uzivumela ukuthi acwile emibonweni yezinsana. Kulokhu, ungeluleka isu elilandelayo: njalo ekuseni, futhi futhi uma kunesidingo (kusihlwa noma ngaphambi kokulala), phinda ngokuqinile: "Kulolu suku (ebusuku) ngeke ngiyeke." Ngalesi simo sengqondo, izimpawu zokuqala zezifiso ezivelayo kulula ukuzibona. Ngemuva kwalokho ungazitshela, "Cha, ngeke ngivumele le njabulo." Kungcono ngihlupheke kancane futhi ngeke ngiluthole lolu 'luhlu lwezifiso' ”. Cabanga ngengane umama wayo enqaba ukuyinika uswidi; ingane iyathukuthela, iqale ukukhala, ize ilwe. Bese ucabanga ukuthi lena "yingane yakho yangaphakathi" futhi i-hyperdramatize indlela aziphatha ngayo ("Ngifuna uswidi!"). Manje yithi, "Yeka isihawu okufanele ukwenze ngaphandle kwale njabulo encane!" Noma khuluma nawe ("enganeni" yakho) njengobaba oqinile: "Cha, Vanechka (Mashenka), namuhla ubaba uthe cha. Awekho amathoyizi. Mhlawumbe kusasa. Yenza okushiwo ubaba! ”. Yenza okufanayo nakusasa. Ngakho-ke, gxila namuhla; asikho isidingo sokucabanga: "Angisoze ngabhekana nalokhu, angisoze ngakuqeda." Umzabalazo kufanele ube nsuku zonke, ingena kanjena ikhono lokuziyeka. Futhi ngokuqhubekayo. Ungasilingisi isimo uma ukhombisa ukuba buthakathaka noma uphinde wehle. Zitshele: "Yebo, bengiyisiphukuphuku, kodwa kufanele ngiqhubekele phambili," njengoba umgijimi engenza. Noma ngabe uyahluleka noma cha, usakhula, ube namandla. Futhi lena yinkululeko, njengasekukhululweni kotshwala: umuntu uzizwa engcono, ngokuthula, ngokujabula.

Kukhona neqhinga: lapho kuvela inkanuko yobungqingili, ungapheli amandla, kodwa zikhumbuze ukuthi umuntu ovuthiwe angazizwa okuthile futhi, naphezu kwalokhu, aqhubeke nokusebenza noma alale buthule embhedeni - ngokujwayelekile, azilawule. Cabanga nje ngokusobala ngangokunokwenzeka umuntu okhuthaza intando yakhe yokungazithokozisi: "Yebo, lena indlela engifuna ukuba yiyo!" Noma ake ucabange ukuthi utshela unkosikazi wakho noma umyeni wakho - umuntu ozokuphila naye umphefumulo - noma izingane zakho (zesikhathi esizayo), ukuthi ulwe kanjani nesifiso sokushaya indlwabu. Cabanga nje ukuthi ungaba namahloni kanjani uma kungukuthi kufanele uvume ukuthi awukaze ulwe nakancane, walwa kabi, noma wamane wanikela.

Futhi, lokhu "kugcwaliswa kothando" emaphusheni endlwabu kungenziwa nge-hyperdramatized. Isibonelo, tshela "ingane yakho yangaphakathi": "Ubheka ngokujulile emehlweni akho, futhi kuzo - uthando laphakade ngawe, mpofu, nokufudumala komphefumulo wakho obhuqiwe, olambele uthando ..." njll. Ngokuvamile, zama ukuhlekisa ngawe amaphupho abo noma izakhi zabo (ngokwesibonelo, imininingwane yokuthakatha). Kepha, okokuqala, hlanganisa lokhu okubonakala kunzima kakhulu, ukumemeza, ukubiza, ukushaya umphumela wesikhalazo: "Nginike, mpofu, uthando lwakho!" Amahlaya nokumamatheka kunqoba zombili izinganekwane ze-homoerotic kanye nesifiso sokushaya indlwabu esihambisana nazo. Inkinga ngemizwa ye-neurotic ukuthi ivimba amandla wokuzihleka. Ubuntwana obuncane buphikisana namahlaya namahlaya abhekiswe "ekubalulekeni" kwawo. Kodwa-ke, uma uzijwayeza, ungafunda ukuzihleka.

Kunengqondo ukuthi ongqingili abaningi banemibono yezinsana mayelana nezocansi. Abanye bakholelwa, ngokwesibonelo, ukuthi ukushaya indlwabu kuyadingeka ukuqeqesha amandla abo ezocansi. Vele, ubunzima bokuphansi besilisa obusekela umbono onjalo budinga ukwenziwa kube yi-hyperdramatized. Ungalokothi uzame "ukufakazela" "ubudoda" bakho ngokupompa imisipha, ukukhulisa intshebe namadevu, njll. Yonke le yimibono yentsha ngobudoda, futhi izokuholela kude nenhloso yakho.

KumKristu ekwelashweni kongqingili, kungakuhle ukuhlanganisa indlela engokwengqondo nengokomoya. Le nhlanganisela, kulwazi lwami, inikela ngesiqinisekiso esihle soshintsho.

Ukulwa nesiqu esingenangqondo

Ngakho-ke, ngaphambi kwethu kunomuntu ongavuthiwe, ozithandayo "Mina". Umfundi onakile, efunda isahluko ngokuzazi, angahle abone ezinye izici zobuntwana noma izidingo kuye. Kusobala ukuthi ukudlulela ebudaleni nasekuvuthweni ngokomzwelo ngeke kwenzeke ngokuzenzakalela; ngalokhu kuyadingeka ukunqoba impi nobuntwana uqobo - futhi lokho kuthatha isikhathi.

Umuntu othambekele ebungqingili kufanele agxile “enganeni yangaphakathi” efuna ukunakwa nokuzwela. Ikakhulu, ukubonakaliswa kwalokhu kungaba yisifiso sokuzizwa ubalulekile, noma uhlonishwa, noma “ukwazisa”; “ingane” yangaphakathi nayo ingalangazelela futhi ifune uthando, noma uzwela, noma ukunconywa. Kumele kuqashelwe ukuthi le mizwa, iletha ukwaneliseka okuthile kwangaphakathi, ihluke ngokuyisisekelo enjabulweni enhle umuntu ayithola empilweni, kusukela ekuziboneni ngokwakhe.

Ukuxhumana nabanye abantu, kuyadingeka ukuthi uqaphele izifiso ezinjalo zoku "ukuziduduza" bese ubalahla. Ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, kuzocaca ukuthi zingaki izinto esizenzayo, imicabango nezisusa zethu ezikhula ngokunqophile kusuka kulesidingo esingenamfanelo sokuziqinisekisa. Isidalwa esingenangqondo sidla ukunaka okukhethekile kwabanye abantu. Izidingo zothando nokuzwela zingaba umashiqela nje: umuntu ubanjwa kalula emhawu nomona uma abanye abantu bethola ukunakwa. Isifiso 'sengane yangaphakathi' yothando nokunakwa kumele sihlukaniswe nesidingo esijwayelekile somuntu sothando. Lesi sakamuva, okungenani ngokwengxenye, silalela isidingo sokuthanda abanye abantu. Isibonelo, uthando oluvuthiwe olungafaneleki kuletha ukudabuka, hhayi intukuthelo nokuhawukela okungenangqondo.

Noma yimiphi imizamo yokuziqinisa kwezinsana kufanele icindezelwe - kuphela kulokhu kungenzeka ukuthi kube nenqubekela phambili esheshayo. Ungakhohlwa ngokuzama ukuvelela emehlweni akho, ukugqama, ukuvusa ukubabazeka. Kwesinye isikhathi ukuzikhulumela kwezinsana kubonakala ngathi "kuyaphindisela", umzamo wokubuyisela into elahlekile esikhathini esedlule; lokhu kuyiqiniso ikakhulukazi kwizikhalazo zokwehliswa isithunzi. Eqinisweni, ngokubanelisa, umane uzikhulisele wena ngokwakho: zonke izifiso zosana nemizwelo kuxhumene njengemikhumbi yokuxhumana; "Ukondla" okunye, uqinisa ngokuzenzakalela abanye. Ukuqina okuvuthiwe kuletha injabulo nokwaneliseka ngoba ungafinyelela noma yini, kepha hhayi ngoba "ukhetheke kakhulu." Ukuziqinisa okuvuthiwe nakho kusho ukubonga, ngoba umuntu ovuthiwe uyakuqonda ukuhlangana kwezimpumelelo zakhe.

Ukugqoka imaski, ukuzenzisa, ukuzama ukwenza noma imuphi umbono okhethekile - lolu hlobo lokuziphatha lungabonakala njengokufuna ukunakwa, uzwela. Ukuze unqobe konke lokhu esigabeni "sezimpawu", ngokushesha nje lapho ukuqaphela, kulula - ngoba lokhu udinga nje ukuyeka injabulo "yokukitaza" kwe-narcissistic. Umphumela uzoba umuzwa wokukhululeka, isipiliyoni senkululeko; umuzwa wokuzimela, amandla azofika. Ngokuphambene nalokho, umuntu ofuna ukunakwa nokulingisa uzenza ancike ezinqumweni zabanye ngaye.

Ngokungeziwe ekuqapheleni lokhu kubonakaliswa kobuntwana nokucindezelwa kwabo ngokushesha, kuyadingeka ukuthi kusebenze ohlangothini oluhle, okuwukuthi, oluqondiswe emisebenzini. Lokhu, okokuqala, kusho ukuthi kuzo zonke izimo noma imisebenzi, umuntu uzobhekisisa imisebenzi yakhe nezibopho zakhe. Kusho ukuzibuza umbuzo olula: "Yini engingaletha yona kulokhu (kungaba ngumhlangano, umgubho womndeni, umsebenzi noma ezokungcebeleka)?" Ingane engaphakathi, ngakolunye uhlangothi, ikhathazekile ngombuzo othi, “Yini engingayithola? Iyiphi inzuzo engingayithola kulesi simo; yini abanye abangangenzela yona? Yini engizoyenza kubo? " - njalonjalo, ngomoya wokucabanga okuzimele. Ukumelana nalokhu kucabanga okuvuthiwe, umuntu kufanele azame ngokucophelela ukuletha ekugcineni lokho okubonakala njengokufaka okungenzeka kube sesimweni esibalulekile kwabanye. Ngokugxila kulokhu, ngokushintsha ukucabanga kwakho ususe kwabanye, ungathola ukwaneliseka okwedlula okujwayelekile, ngoba umuntu ozithandayo, esikhundleni sokuthatha injabulo yemvelo yokuhlangana nabangane noma osebenza nabo, uvame ukukhathazeka ngombuzo wokuthi ubaluleke kangakanani kwabanye. Ngamanye amagama, umbuzo uthi, yimiphi imithwalo yemfanelo - emikhulu nemincane - engicabanga ukuthi iphambi kwami? Lo mbuzo kufanele uphendulwe ngokuvumelanisa izibopho nezinhloso zesikhathi eside nezimo zansuku zonke. Yimiphi imisebenzi yami ebunganeni, emsebenzini, empilweni yomndeni, ngaphambi kwezingane zami, maqondana nempilo yami, umzimba, ukuphumula? Imibuzo ingabonakala ingasho lutho. Kodwa lapho umyeni ethambekele ebungqingili futhi ekhononda ngenkinga ebuhlungu, ekhetha phakathi komndeni "nomngane," futhi ekugcineni ashiye umndeni wakhe abe yisithandwa sakhe, lokhu kusho ukuthi akazange azizwe eqotho ngokweqiniso ngezibopho zakhe. Esikhundleni salokho, wayecindezela imicabango yabo, ebenza bazisole ngenxa yesimo sakhe esibuhlungu.

Ukusiza umuntu ukuthi akhule ngokwengqondo, ayeke ukuba yingane, kuyinjongo yanoma yiluphi ukwelashwa kwama-neuroses. Ukukubeka ngamagama amabi, siza umuntu ukuthi angaziphileli yena, hhayi udumo lwe-ego ye-infantile hhayi ukuzithokozisa. Njengoba uhamba ngale ndlela, izintshisekelo zobungqingili zizokwehla. Kodwa-ke, ngalokhu, kubaluleke kakhulu ekuqaleni ukubona indlela oziphatha ngayo nezisusa zayo maqondana nokungavuthwa nokuzimela kwabo. "Kubukeka sengathi ngizikhathalela mina kuphela," kusho isitabane esiqotho, "kodwa ukuthi uthando luyini, angazi." Ingqikithi yobudlelwano bobungqingili ukuzithanda ngokweqile kwezingane: ukuzifunela umngane. "Yingakho ngihlala ngifuna ngenkani ebudlelwaneni nentombazane, kuze kube seqophelweni lobushiqela," kuvuma lesbian, "Kumele kube ngeyami ngokuphelele." Ongqingili abaningi bazenza imfudumalo nothando kubalingani babo, bawele ekuzikhohliseni, baqale ukukholelwa ukuthi le mizwa ingokoqobo. Eqinisweni, bayayithanda imizwa yobugovu bese bezama imaski. Kwembulwa kaninginingi ukuthi bangaba nodlame nabalingani babo futhi, empeleni, bangabi nandaba nabo. Vele, lolu akusilo uthando nakancane, kepha ukuzikhohlisa.

Ngakho-ke, umuntu oyedwa okhombise ukuphana kubangani bakhe, ebathengela izipho ezinhle, ebasiza ngemali abaswele, empeleni, akazange anikeze lutho - umane wathenga uzwelo lwabo. Omunye wabona ukuthi wayehlala ematasa ngokubukeka kwakhe futhi wasebenzisa cishe wonke umholo wakhe ekugqokeni, kubalungisi bezinwele nakwizinto zokuthambisa. Wazizwa ephansi ngokomzimba futhi engathandeki (okuyimvelo impela), futhi enhliziyweni yakhe wazidabukela. Ukuqaphela kwakhe ngokweqile i-narcissism kwakuwubugovu bokuphindisela. Kuyinto evamile ukuba osemusha abe matasa ngezinwele zakhe; kodwa-ke, njengoba ekhula, uzokwamukela ukubukeka kwakhe njengoba kunje, futhi lokhu ngeke kusaba nokubaluleka okukhethekile kuye. Kwabaningi bobungqingili, kwenzeka ngendlela ehlukile: babambelela ekuzikhohliseni kwezinsana ngobuhle babo bokucabanga, bazibuke isikhathi eside esibukweni, noma bacabange ukuhamba emgwaqweni noma ukukhuluma nabanye abantu. Ukuzihleka kuyikhambi elihle kulokhu (isb., "Mfana, ubukeka umuhle!")

I-narcissism ingaba nezindlela eziningi. Umuntu ongathandani nabesilisa abaziphatha kabi ngokwesilisa uthatha injabulo engenangqondo yokudlala le ndima. Kwenzeka into efanayo nasendodeni ekhulisa ubufazi bayo ngaphakathi kwayo, noma okuphambene nalokho, idlala i- "macho" ngane. Ngemuva kwakho konke lokhu kunesisekelo: “Bheka ukuthi ngamangalisa kanjani!”

Uma umuntu ethathe isinqumo sokukhombisa ngamabomu uthando kwabanye abantu, okokuqala lokhu kungaholela ekudumazekeni, ngoba kusenguye kuphela u- "I" wakhe onentshisekelo, hhayi u- "Mina" wabanye. Ungafunda ukuthanda ngokuhlakulela intshisekelo komunye umuntu: uhlala kanjani? uzizwa enjani? yini empeleni ezomlungela? Kulokhu ukunakwa kwangaphakathi kuzalwa ukushukuma nezenzo ezincane; umuntu uqala ukuzizwa ebophezeleka ngokwengeziwe kwabanye. Kodwa-ke, akunjalo ngama-neurotic, avame ukuzizwa ebophezelekile ukuthwala umthwalo ophelele wezimpilo zabanye. Ukuthwala umthwalo wabanye ngale ndlela kungenye yezindlela zokuzibamba: "Ngingumuntu obalulekile othembele emhlabeni." Umuzwa wothando uyakhula njengoba ukukhathazeka okunempilo kwabanye kukhula, ukucabanga kuyakhiwa kabusha bese kugxilwa ekugxileni kuye ngokwakho kwabanye.

Ongqingili abaningi ngezikhathi ezithile noma ngokungaguquguquki babonisa ukuzikhukhumeza emikhubeni yabo; abanye ikakhulukazi imicabango yabo ("Ngingcono kunawe"). Imicabango enjalo kufanele ibanjwe ngokushesha futhi isuswe, noma ihlekwe usulu, ibe nehaba. Ngokushesha nje lapho "ingane engaphakathi" ikhukhumala ngokubaluleka incipha, ukwaneliseka okubangelwa yimizwa, ikakhulukazi, inkolelo yokwazi ukuthi uhlobo oluthile olukhethekile, olukhanyayo, oluhamba phambili, luzophela. Imibono yenkosi yaseNietzschean iwuphawu lokungavuthwa. Kuyini ukubuyisa? Ukwamukelwa okunempilo kokuthi awungcono kunabanye, kanye nethuba lokuzihleka.

Umona nakho kuyinkomba yokungavuthwa. “Unalokhu nalokhuya, kodwa anginakho! Angikwazi ukuma! Ngimpofu ... ”Muhle, unamandla, ubukeka emncane, impilo iyamfafaza, ungumuntu othanda ezemidlalo, aziwa kakhulu, unamakhono amaningi. Muhle ngokwengeziwe, ugcwele ubuhle obengeziwe, ubufazi, umusa; uthola ukunakwa okuningi kubafana. Uma ubheka umuntu wobulili obufanayo nobakho, ukubabaza ubuntwana obunesifiso kanye nesifiso sokuxhumana naso kuxubene nomona. Indlela yokuphuma ukunciphisa izwi "lengane": "Kwangathi uNkulunkulu angamnika ukuba abe ngcono nakakhulu! Futhi ngizozama ukuzijabulisa - ngokwenyama nangokwengqondo, ngibe ngowokugcina, owesilisa noma owesifazane ongabalulekile. " I-Hyperdramatization kanye nokuhlekwa usulu kwezimfanelo zesilisa / zesifazane ezinesilinganiso sesibili ngokuzayo kuzosiza ekunciphiseni ukucabanga ngobudlelwano nabantu bobulili obufanayo.

Uma umfundi ecabanga ngokungathi sína ngezindaba zothando nokuvuthwa komuntu siqu, kuzomcacela: umzabalazo wokulwa nobungqingili umane usho umzabalazo wokuvuthwa, futhi le mpi yangaphakathi ingenye nje yokwahluka komzabalazo umuntu othile awukhokhelayo ukudlula ubuntwana bakhe; ukuthi nje wonke umuntu unezindawo zakhe zokukhula.

Ukuguqula Indima Yakho Yobulili

Ukuvuthwa kucabanga, phakathi kwezinye izinto, ukuthi umuntu uzizwa engokwemvelo futhi enele emkhakheni wakhe wokuzalwa. Kaningi ongqingili bayasithanda lesi sifiso: "O, ukube nje ubungeke ukhule!" Ukwenza njengowesilisa noma owesifazane okhulile kuzwakala njengesiqalekiso kubo. Izikhalazo zezinsana zokungaphansi kobulili zenza kube nzima ngabo ukuthi bazicabange sebekhulile. Ngaphezu kwalokho, bavame ukuba nemibono engenangqondo, enehaba ngokuthi buyini ubudoda nobufazi. Bazizwa bekhululeke ngokwengeziwe endimeni yengane: "umfana omnandi, omnandi, othandekayo", "ingane engenakuzisiza", "umfana obukeka njengentombazane" - noma "intombazane enesibindi", "intombazane enesibindi okungcono ukuthi ingaweleli umgwaqo", noma "intombazanyana entekenteke, ekhohliwe". Abafuni ukuvuma ukuthi lawa ngamanga "I", amamaski ukuthi badinga ukuthola induduzo, ukuze bathathe indawo yabo emphakathini. Ngasikhathi sinye, le "theatre of mask" inganikeza abanye - hhayi bonke - ubumnandi bokuzizwa udabukile futhi ubukhethekile.

Indoda eyisitabane ingabheka ubudoda kozakwayo, iphakanyiselwe ezingeni lesithixo, futhi ngasikhathi sinye, ngokudidayo, umuntu uqobo (noma kunalokho ubuntwana bakhe) angabuphatha ubudoda ngendelelo, azizwe "ezwela kakhulu", engcono kunokuthi "akananhlonipho "Madoda. Kwezinye izimo, kuba "yinkulumo yedolobha." AmaLesbies angadelela ubufazi njengento esezingeni lesibili, okukhumbuza kakhulu inganekwane yempungushe namagilebhisi. Ngakho-ke, kuyadingeka ukuqeda yonke imicabango engamanga mayelana "nohlobo olukhethekile", "okunye", "inkambu yesithathu" - le "I" engenabudoda noma engowesifazane. Lokhu kuyasangulukisa, ngoba umuntu uyabona ukuthi akahlukile kwabesilisa nabesifazane abajwayelekile. I-nimbus yokuphakama iyanyamalala, futhi umuntu uyaqaphela ukuthi konke lokhu bekuyizikhalazo zezinsana zokwehliswa isithunzi.

Indoda elandela imihlahlandlela yethu yokuzelapha izobona imaskhi yayo "engeyona eyomuntu". Le ndima ingakhonjiswa ezintweni ezincane, ngokwesibonelo, ekukholweni ukuthi akakwazi ukumela utshwala. Eqinisweni, lesi yisifihla-buso "sissy" esingazi lutho esinomkhuba "onzima" onjengokuthi ungabhekani ". "O, ngizizwa ngigula ngemuva kwengilazi eyodwa ye-cognac" - ibinzana elijwayelekile kowesitabane. Uyaziqinisekisa ngalokhu, bese kuthi, ngokwemvelo, azizwe kabi, njengengane ecabanga ukuthi ayikwazi ukumela noma ikuphi ukudla, kepha ngesikhathi esifanayo ayinalo igciwane. Susa leso sifihla-buso sokuzwela bese uzama ukujabulela ukuphuza okumnandi (kunjalo, kuphela uma umdala ngokwanele ukuthi ungaphuza futhi ungadakwa - ngoba lapho-ke unenkululeko yangempela yokuzikhethela). "Iziphuzo ezidakayo ezabesilisa kuphela," kusho "ingane engaphakathi" yowungqingili. Imininingwane “emuhle,” “emuhle,” noma yezingubo zokugqoka ezigcizelela ukungavumelani kwabesilisa noma "ukuzwela" zidinga ukuqedwa ngendlela efanayo. Amahembe abesifazane, amasongo akhazimulayo nobunye ubucwebe, ama-colognes, izitayela zezinwele ze-unisex, kanye nendlela yokukhuluma yabesifazane, iphimbo, ukushukuma komunwe nezandla, ukunyakaza kanye nokuhamba - lokhu yilokho umuntu okufanele akuqede. Kunengqondo ukulalela izwi lakho, elirekhodwe kumakhasethi, ukuze ubone isimilo esingesiyo semvelo, yize singaqapheli esho sengathi sithi: "Angisiye umuntu" (ngokwesibonelo, inkulumo ephuzayo enomsindo ongaqondakali, odabukisayo, oshayayo, ongacasula abanye abantu futhi okunjalo isici samadoda amaningi abungqingili). Ngemuva kokutadisha izwi lakho nokuqonda lezi zici, zama ukukhuluma ngomoya ophansi, “usangulukile”, izwi elicacile nelingokwemvelo, bese ubona umehluko (sebenzisa isiqopha mazwi). Futhi naka ukumelana kwangaphakathi okuzwakalayo lapho uqeda umsebenzi.

Kulula ukuthi abesifazane banqobe ukungafuni kwabo ukugqoka izingubo ezinhle nezinye izingubo ezijwayelekile zabesifazane. Sebenzisa izimonyo, yeka ukubukeka njengentsha, futhi ulungele ukulwa nomuzwa wokuthi "ukuba ngowesifazane akungifanele" kuyavela. Yeka ukudlala umfana onzima ngokwendlela okhuluma ngayo (uzilalele ngetheyiphu), ukushukuma komzimba nokuhamba.

Udinga ukushintsha umkhuba wokuzitika ezintweni ezincane. Isibonelo, omunye wobungqingili wayehlala ephethe ama-slippers beya naye ukuvakasha, ngoba "banethezekile kubo" (kuyinto engenanhlonipho ukusho lokho, kepha lesi yisibonelo esicacile sokuthi indoda iphenduka kanjani "inhlebo" evela ihlaya). Enye indoda yayidinga ukuphazamiseka kokuzilibazisa okudle kakhulu kokwenza imihlobiso noma ukuhlela izimbali. Ukuze wenze lokhu, udinga ukuqonda ukuthi ubumnandi obutholakala kokuzilibazisa okunjalo kuyintokozo yengane, umfana onobuntu obumnene, vele, njengoba kunjalo, uhhafu "wentombazane". Uyabona ukuthi lezi zinkanuko ziyingxenye yenkinga yokubhekelwa phansi kwabesilisa, kepha usazizwa udabukile ngokushiya. Kepha qhathanisa lokho nesimo lapho umfana ebona ukuthi yisikhathi esidlule sokulala nothelezi wakhe owuthandayo. Funa eminye imisebenzi nezinto zokuzilibazisa ezibaluleke ngokocansi kanye nasekuthathekeleni kwakho. Mhlawumbe isibonelo sikateddy bear sikwenze wamamatheka; kepha, nokho, kuyiqiniso: ongqingili abaningi bayabuthanda ubuntwana babo futhi ngaphakathi bayamelana nokukhula.

Manje njengoba lesbian sembule isizathu sokwenqaba kwakhe "okunemigomo" yendlela yokuphila yabesifazane, udinga, ngokwesibonelo, ukunqoba ukwenqena ukupheka, ukunakekela izivakashi zakhe noma ukuzinikela kwezinye izinto "ezingabalulekile" zomndeni, ukuba mnene futhi anakekele izingane ezincane. ikakhulukazi izingane. (Ngokuphikisana nenkolelo evamile mayelana nesimo somama sabobulili obufanayo, imizwa yabo kaningi iyacindezelwa, futhi baphatha izingane njengabaholi abangamaphayona kunabomama.) Ukubandakanyeka "endimeni" yabesifazane ukunqoba i-ego yezinsana, futhi ngasikhathi sinye ukwambulwa kwemizwa kungukuqala kwesipiliyoni sobufazi.

Amadoda amaningi wobungqingili kufanele ayeke ukuba ama-felons futhi asebenze ngezandla zawo: izinkuni zokunquma, ukupenda indlu, ukusebenza ngefosholo, isando. Kuyadingeka ukunqoba ukumelana nokuzikhandla ngokomzimba. Ngokuqondene nemidlalo, kuyadingeka, lapho ithuba liziveza khona, ukubamba iqhaza emidlalweni yokuncintisana (ibhola lezinyawo, i-volleyball, ...), futhi unikeze konke okusemandleni, noma ngabe ukude "ngokuba yinkanyezi" enkundleni. Ukuphumula futhi ulwe, futhi hhayi ukuthi uzisindise! Abaningi ke bazizwa bemangalisa; ukubambana kusho ukunqoba umuntu wangaphakathi "ompofu" futhi kusiza ukuzizwa njengendoda yangempela. “Ingane yangaphakathi” yomuntu ongqingili iyakugwema, yenqabe, futhi igaxe imisebenzi esejwayelekile eyenziwe ngocansi. Kodwa-ke, ngifuna ukugcizelela ukuthi umgomo wokwamukela izindima zobulili obujwayelekile awufani “nokwelashwa kokuziphatha”. Kubalulekile lapha ukusebenzisa isifiso sokulwa nokulwa kwangaphakathi ngalezi zindima, hhayi ukuqeqesha nje inkawu.

Ngasikhathi sinye, emizamweni emincane enjalo yansuku zonke "yokwazisa" ngobunikazi noma ubufazi bakhe, umuntu akadingi ukwedlula ubuwula. Khumbula ukuthi noma yimiphi imizamo yokuhlakulela ubudoda obubonisayo (izinwele, amadevu, intshebe, ukugcizelela ukugqoka kwamadoda, ukutshala izicubu zomzimba) kubangelwa ukuzikhukhumeza kanye nobuntwana, futhi bondla kuphela ubungqingili. Wonke umuntu angabala uhlu lwemikhuba nezintshisekelo eziningi okufanele azinake.

Abesilisa bobungqingili bavame ukuba nesimo sengqondo sobuntwana maqondana nobuhlungu, ngokwesibonelo, "abakwazi ukuma" ngisho nokuphazamiseka okuncane. Lapha sithinta isihloko sesibindi, esifana nokuzethemba okuqinile. "Ingane engaphakathi" yesaba kakhulu ukubambana komzimba kanye nezinye izinhlobo zempikiswano, ngakho-ke ulaka lwayo luvame ukungaqondile, lufihlwe, luyakwazi izingqinamba namanga. Ukuze uzikhombe kangcono ngobudoda bomuntu, kuyadingeka ukunqoba ukwesaba ukubangisana, ngamazwi futhi, uma kunesidingo, ngokomzimba. Kuyadingeka ukuthi ukhulume ngokwethembeka nangokungagunci, uzivikele uma izimo zidinga lokho, futhi ungesabi ukuhlukunyezwa nokuhlekwa abanye abantu. Ngaphezu kwalokho, kuyadingeka ukuvikela igunya, uma leli gunya lihambisana nesikhundla, futhi singakunaki "ukuhlaselwa" okungenzeka kube nzima kwabangaphansi noma kozakwabo. Emzameni wokuzethemba, umuntu unyathela "ingane empofu" futhi athole amathuba amaningi okweqa imizwa yokwesaba nokuzizwa njengesehluleki. Ukuqina kuhle kulezo zimo lapho ingqondo iqinisekisa khona ukuthi kufanelekile, futhi kuyadingeka. Kodwa-ke, ukuqina kungaba ubuntwana uma kusetshenziselwa ukukhombisa ukuqina noma ukubaluleka. Ukuziphatha okujwayelekile komuntu othembekile kuhlala kuhlala kuzolile, kungakhombisi, futhi kuholele emiphumeleni.

Ngokuphambene nalokho, ongqingili besifazane bazohlomula kakhulu ngokuvivinya umzimba okuncane kokuthobela, noma ngisho nolimi ngeke luphenduke lukhulume! - ngokuhambisa - okubi kakhulu! - ukuthobela igunya labesilisa. Ukuzwa ukuthi kuyini "ukuzithoba" komuntu wesifazane kanye "nokuthamba", owesifazane othandana nabobulili obufanayo kuzofanele amelane nendima ecatshangwa njengendoda ebusayo nezimele ngomzamo wakhe wokuzithandela. Imvamisa abesifazane bafuna ukusekelwa owesilisa, bafuna ukuzinikela kuye, ukumnakekela; lokhu kuvezwa, ikakhulukazi, ngesifiso sokuthobela ubudoda bakhe. Ngaphandle kokuzikhukhumeza "kwentombazane" ecasuliwe, kubo bonke abesilisa abathandana nobulili obufanayo owesifazane ovamile ulele njengobuhle bokulala, elungele ukuvuka.

Imizwa yokudeleleka ivame ukwenza "umfana ongeyena owesilisa" kanye "nentombazane engenabuntu" ukuba bathukuthele imizimba yabo. Zama ukwamukela ngokuphelele nokwazisa ubudoda noma ubufazi "obuzwakalisiwe" emzimbeni wakho. Isibonelo, khumula unqunu, uzihlole esibukweni, bese unquma ukuthi ujabulile ngomzimba wakho nangezici zawo zobulili. Akunasidingo sokushintsha ngokushisayo noma yini ngezimonyo noma izingubo; kufanele ugcine umthethosisekelo wakho wemvelo. Owesifazane angaba namabele amancane, umzimba onemisipha noma omzimba, njll. Udinga ukukuthatha kancane lokhu, uthuthukise ukubukeka kwakho ngaphakathi kwemikhawulo efanelekile, futhi uyeke ukukhononda ngalokho ongeke ukwazi ukukulungisa (lokhu kungadingeka ukuthi kuphindwe kaningi) ... Indoda kufanele yaneliswe ngumthethosisekelo wayo, ipipi, imisipha, uhlaza emzimbeni, njll. Asikho isidingo sokukhononda ngalezi zici futhi ucabange ngomunye umzimba "omuhle". Kusobala impela ukuthi lokhu kunganeliseki kumane kuyisikhalazo sengane ethi "I".

10. Ubudlelwano nabanye abantu

Ukuguqula ukuhlolwa kwakho kwabanye abantu nokwakha ubudlelwano nabo.

I-neurotic yobungqingili iphatha abanye abantu njengengxenye "njengengane." Akunakwenzeka - kunalokho, akunakwenzeka ngokuphelele - ukuguqula ubungqingili ngaphandle kokukhulisa umbono ovuthiwe wabanye abantu nobudlelwano obuvuthiwe nabo.

Abantu bobulili babo

Ongqingili badinga ukuqaphela umuzwa wokuzenyeza kwabo maqondana nabantu bobulili obufanayo, kanye nokuzizwa benamahloni lapho bekhulumisana nabo, okubangelwa umuzwa "wokungalingani" kwabo, "ukuhlukaniswa" kwabo. Bhekana nale mizwa ngokweqa ngokweqile "ingane empofu, engajabule." Futhi, sebenza ngokuqinile ekusebenzisaneni kwakho, kunokuba ube kude futhi ungenzi lutho. Bamba iqhaza ezingxoxweni nasemisebenzini ejwayelekile, futhi usebenzise amandla okwakha ubudlelwano. Imizamo yakho kungenzeka iveze umkhuba ofihlwe ngokujulile wokudlala indima yomuntu wangaphandle, futhi, mhlawumbe, ukungafuni ukujwayela ngokujwayelekile phakathi kwabamele ubulili bakho, umbono ongemuhle ngabanye abantu, ukwenqatshwa kwabo noma isimo sengqondo esibi ngabo. Vele, akukuhle ukulwela ukuzivumelanisa kangcono namalungu wobulili obufanayo ngenxa yesifiso sengane sokubathokozisa. Okokuqala, kubaluleke kakhulu ukuba ngumngane wabanye ngokwakho, hhayi ukufuna abangane. Lokhu kusho ukusuka ekufuneni kwengane ukuvikelwa kuya ekuthatheni umthwalo wabanye. Kusuka kokungabi nandaba udinga ukuba nentshisekelo, kusuka ebusheni bezinsana, ukwesaba nokungathembi - ukuzwelana nokwethembana, kusuka "ekunamatheleni" nasekuthembekeni - ukuzimela kwangaphakathi okunempilo. Kwabesilisa abathandana nabobulili obufanayo, lokhu kuvame ukusho ukunqoba ukwesaba ukubhekana, ukugxekwa nokuhlukunyezwa, kwabesilisa abathandana nobulili obufanayo - ukwamukela indima yabesifazane noma eyomama kanye nezintshisekelo zabo, kanye nokunqoba ukwedelelwa kwezinto ezinjalo. Abesilisa kuyodingeka benqabe ukuthobela kwabo kanye nokusebenza kwabo, futhi abesifazane kuyodingeka bashiye ubukhosi obunamandla, obunhlanhlathayo.

Kuyadingeka ukuhlukanisa phakathi kokuxhumana komuntu nomuntu neqembu nabamele ubulili babo. Abantu abathambekele ebungqingili bazizwa “bakhululekile”, ngokuba phakathi kontanga yabo abathandana nabobulili obuhlukile, ikakhulukazi uma kwakunzima ngabo ebuntwaneni ukuzivumelanisa namaqembu ezingane zobulili babo. Ezimweni ezinjalo, imvamisa baba nenkinga yokuphansi. Kudinga isibindi ukuyeka ukugwema iqembu bese uqala ukuziphatha ngendlela evamile, ngokwemvelo, ngaphandle kwezinyathelo zokuncephezela, ngaphandle kokugwema ukugcona noma ukwenqatshwa yiqembu, ngenkathi uqhubeka nokuziphatha njengelungu leqembu.

Ubungane

Ubungane obuvamile buyimithombo yenjabulo. Ebudlelwaneni obunobungane, umuntu ngamunye uphila eyakhe, impilo ezimele, futhi ngasikhathi sinye akukho ukuncika okunamathelayo "kwengane yangaphakathi" enesizungu, akukho ukufunwa okunakekelwa wedwa. Ukwakha ubungani obujwayelekile nomunye umuntu ngaphandle kwezintshisekelo zobugovu futhi ngaphandle kwesifiso "sokubuyisa noma yini" kunomthelela enqubeni yokuvuthwa ngokomzwelo. Ngaphezu kwalokho, injabulo yokuba nobungani obujwayelekile nabantu bobulili obufanayo ingaba nomthelela ekukhuleni kobunikazi bobulili, kuyasiza ukubhekana nemizwa yesizungu evame ukuholela ekuphendukeni okujwayelekile kwemicabango yobungqingili.

Kodwa-ke, ubungane obujwayelekile namalungu wobulili obuhlukile kungaholela ezingxabanweni zangaphakathi. Umuntu onobungqingili angaphinde abuyele kuye ngokuzithandela ekubambeni okungenamqondo komngane wakhe, futhi kungavela izifiso eziqinile zesifiso esibi. Yini-ke okufanele uyenze? Ngokuvamile, kungcono ukugwema umngane. Okokuqala, hlaziya ingxenye engenangqondo yemizwa yakho nokuziphatha kwakho maqondana nakho bese uzama ukuyiguqula. Isibonelo, ungamisa noma ushintshe izinhlobo ezithile zokuziphatha, ikakhulukazi, umkhuba wokuheha ukunaka kwakhe, isifiso sokuvikelwa noma ukunakekelwa kwakhe.

Ungavumeli isimo esifudumele sobuntwana kuwe. Misa imicabango emhlolweni we-erotic. (Ungabenza, ngokwesibonelo, ubenzise i-hyperdramatize kubo.) Thatha isinqumo esiqinile sokungathembeki kumngane wakho, umsebenzise emcabangweni wakho wokudlala njengento yokudlala, noma ngabe kwenzeka "emcabangweni" wakho kuphela. Phatha lesi simo esinzima njengenselelo, njengethuba lokukhula. Ukubheka ngokweqile ukubukeka komngane wakho nobuntu bakhe, ngokwezinga langempela: "Akekho ongcono kunami, ngamunye wethu unezici zakhe ezinhle nezimbi." Futhi kuphela uma unomuzwa wokuthi umuzwa wakho ongenasisekelo maqondana naye uyanqoba, yehlisa ubungako bokuxhumana isikhashana. Zama ukugwema ukusondela kakhulu ngokomzimba (kepha ungabi nogqozi ngasikhathi sinye!): Isibonelo, ungalali egumbini elilodwa. Futhi, ekugcineni, into ebaluleke kakhulu: ungazami ukuthola uzwela wakhe kuwe, ulwe nanoma iziphi iziphikiso kule ndlela, ngoba lokhu kungaba nomthelela ekubuyiselweni ebuntwini obungenangqondo. Kufanele ucabange ngokuhlelekile kuzinguquko zokuziphatha futhi uqaphele lezo zimo ebudlelwaneni phakathi kwabantu lapho udinga ukubhekana nokuthambekela kokuphamba futhi uzibeke ezinye, abavuthiwe ngokwengeziwe.

Abantu abadala

Abesilisa abathandana nobungqingili bangaphatha amadoda amadala kuneminyaka yabo njengobaba: ukwesaba amandla abo, ukuthobela kakhulu ebudlelwaneni nabo, ukuzama ukujabulisa bona, noma ukuvukela ngaphakathi. Ezimweni ezinjalo, njengenjwayelo, ziqaphele lezi zimpawu zokuziphatha bese uzama ukuzibekisela ezinye ezintsha. Yiba yinhlekisa (ngokwesibonelo, ungadlala ngaphezulu “umfanyana wakho” ongaphakathi) futhi ube nesibindi sokwenza umehluko. Ngendlela efanayo, amadoda angongqingili angaphatha abesifazane abavuthiwe ngokuthi “omama” noma “o-anti”. Ingane yakhe yangaphakathi ingaqala ukudlala indima “yomfana”, ingane encike kuyo, umfana ongathandeki, noma umuntu “omubi kakhulu” ongaphikisi izifiso zikamama wakhe, kodwa ngalo lonke ithuba azame ukuphindisela ukubuswa kwakhe buthule. kumenza acasuke. "Baby Spoiled" kwezinsana ujabulele ukuthandwa ngunina, ukuvikeleka kwakhe kanye nokuzitika kubo bonke abasebenza naye. Ukuziphatha okufanayo kungahle kuvezwe nakwabanye besifazane. Abesilisa abathandana nobungqingili abashadayo bangalindela isimo esinjalo kubafazi babo, basala “abafana” abadinga ukucwilisa, ukuvikela, ukubusa noma ukusekela okuvela kumama womuntu, ngenkathi beqhubeka nokudla kuye “ngobukhosi” bakhe ", Kwangempela noma ngeso lengqondo.

Abesifazane bathambekele ebungqingili bangephatha amadoda avuthiwe njengobaba wabo, futhi bahlabe kuye izici ezingasho lutho zobuhlobo babo noyise. Kubukeka kubo ukuthi amadoda awanandaba nawo, noma ahamba phambili noma anciphisiwe. Kwesinye isikhathi abesifazane abanjalo bangabesilisa abavuthiwe, maqondana “nabangane”, “nabafana babo”. Ukusabela kwezingane kokungalaleli, ukungahloniphi, noma ukujwayela kudluliselwa kusuka kwisithombe sikababa kuya kwesinye amadoda. Kwabanye besifazane, indlela “yokuziqinisa” yesilisa ibangelwa isifiso sokufeza okulindelwe nguyise. Mhlawumbe ubaba wakhelela ingane yakhe ngobuhlakani esikhundleni sendoda “ephumelelayo”, engayihloniphi kangako izimfanelo zakhe zobuntu besifazane nangempumelelo yakhe; noma, ngesikhathi sobusha bakhe, uyise wagcizelela impumelelo yabafowabo, futhi intombazane yaqala ukulingisa indlela yokuziphatha kwabafowethu.

Bazali

I-"Intra-ingane" iyama ekukhuleni kwayo ezingeni lemizwa engenangqondo, imibono nokuziphatha, noma ngabe abazali kade bafa. Indoda engongqingili kwesinye isikhathi iyaqhubeka yesaba uyise, ihlale ingenandaba naye noma imlahle, kepha ngasikhathi sinye ifuna ukwamukelwa yiyo. Isimo sakhe sengqondo ngakubaba wakhe sinokuvezwa ngala magama: “Angifuni ukufana nawe”, noma: “Ngeke ngilandele imiyalo yakhe, nemiyalo yakho, uma ungeke ungiphathe ngenhlonipho efanele. Indoda enjalo ingahlala iyintandokazi kamama wayo, yenqabe ukuba umuntu omdala ngokuhlobene naye nobaba wayo. Kunezindlela ezimbili zokuxazulula le nkinga. Okokuqala, vuma uyihlo kanjalo bese unqoba ukungezwani kwakhe kuye bese ufisa ukumphindisela. Ngokuphambene nalokho, bonisa noma yiziphi izimpawu zokunaka kuye futhi ukhombise intshisekelo empilweni yakhe. Okwesibili, kwenqabela ukungenelela kukamama empilweni yakho nasekukhuliseni kwakho izinsana. Kufanele ukwenze ngobumnene, kodwa okuphikelelayo. Ungamvumeli ukuba akuhlukumeze ngokweqile noma akukhathalele (uma lokhu kunesimo sakho). Ungathintani naye kaningi ukuthola izeluleko futhi ungamvumeli axazulule izingqinamba ongazixazulula wedwa. Umgomo wakho ubili: ukwephula ubudlelwano obungebuhle nobaba wakho, futhi "nokuma okuhle" ngonyoko. Yiba yindodana ezimele neyikhulile yabazali bakho ebaphatha kahle. Ekugcineni, lokhu kuzoholela othandweni lukayihlo olujule kakhulu, futhi uyozizwa ungowakho, futhi futhi, mhlawumbe, ebangeni elikhudlwana ebuhlotsheni bukamama wakho, obuzonikeza lobu buhlobo, noma kunjalo, iqiniso ngokweqiniso. Kwesinye isikhathi umama uvimbela ukwakha ubudlelwano obusha futhi azame ukubuyisa isithandwa sakhe sangaphambilini sobuntwana. Kodwa-ke, ekuhlaziyeni kokugcina, kuvame ukungaphansi, futhi ubudlelwano ngokuvamile buyancipha futhi bube bemvelo ngokwengeziwe. Ungesabi ukulahlekelwa ngumama wakho futhi ungesabi ukumoyizela ngokomzwelo ngakuye (njengoba kwenzeka kwezinye izimo). Kuzofanela "uhole" umama kulobu budlelwane (ngenkathi kusale indodana yakhe enothando), hhayi ukumdlula.

Abesifazane abathanda ubungqingili bavame ukunqoba inkambiso yokwenqaba umama wabo futhi bashintshe ukungathandeki noma ibanga labo elingokomzwelo. Lapha futhi indlela enhle kungaba ukubonakaliswa kwezimpawu zokunaka ezijwayelekile kumalokazana onentshisekelo kunina. Futhi ngaphezu kwakho konke, zama ukwamukela, nazo zonke izici zayo eziyinkimbinkimbi noma ezingezinhle, ngaphandle kokusabela kakhulu kubo. Ngokuqondene 'nengane yangaphakathi,' kunalokho, kujwayelekile ukwenqaba konke okuvela kumzali uluthando aluthandayo. Ungaziqhelelanisa nokuthi umzali ngeke aguqulwe, ngenkathi lokhu kungamvimbeli umuntu ovuthiwe ukuthi athande futhi amukele lo mzali, aziqaphele njengengane yakhe. Ngemuva kwakho konke, uyinyama yenyama yakhe, umele ubulili babazali bakho. Umuzwa wokuba ingxenye yabazali bobabili uwuphawu lokuvuthwa ngokomzwelo. Abesifazane abaningi abathandana nabesilisa abayizitabane badinga ukugqashula ebugqilini babo noyise. Abesifazane abanjalo badinga ukufunda ukunganikezeli esifisweni sikayise sokumphatha njengomngane wabo wesilisa futhi bangazami izimpumelelo azilindele kuye. Kufanele alahle umazisi obekwe kuye noyise, alandele umgomo "ngifuna ukuba ngowesifazane engiyindodakazi yakho, hhayi indodana yocwaningo." “Indlela” enamandla ekwakheni ubudlelwane obunempilo nabazali ukuthethelela. Imvamisa asikwazi ukuthethelela masinyane.

Kodwa-ke, esimweni esithile, singanquma ukuthethelela ngaso leso sikhathi, ngokwesibonelo, lapho sikhumbula izici ezithile zokuziphatha kwabazali bethu noma isimo sabo sengqondo ngathi. Kwesinye isikhathi ukuthethelela kuhambisana nomzabalazo wangaphakathi, kepha imvamisa kugcina kunikeza impumuzo, kugcwalise ubudlelwane nabazali ngothando, futhi kususe imigoqo yokuxhumana. Ngomqondo othile, ukuthethelela kufana nokuqeda "ukukhala" kwangaphakathi nezikhalazo ngabazali bakho. Kodwa-ke, kukhona futhi uhlangothi lokuziphatha lokuthethelela, yingakho lujule kakhulu. Kubandakanya nokuyekiswa kokuzikhohlisa. Ngaphezu kwalokho, ukuthethelela kusho hhayi nje ukuguqula isimo, kepha ukuba yiqiniso, kumele kufake phakathi isenzo nezenzo ezithile.

Noma kunjalo akuyona nje intethelelo. Uma uhlaziya isimo sakho sengqondo sokungenabuntu kubazali, uzobona ukuthi wena ngokwakho bekuyisizathu somqondo ongemuhle kuwe, futhi awunalo uthando ngabo. Lapho ushintsha ubudlelwano, kungadingeka ukuthi ube nengxoxo evulekile ngezinkinga zakho ukuze ubathethelele futhi ubacele intethelelo.

Ukusungula ubudlelwano nabobulili obuhlukile; umshado

Lesi isinyathelo sokugcina ekushintsheni impilo yakho - kusuka emizweni nasekuziphatheni "komfana ongeyena owesilisa" noma "intombazane engakabi ngowesifazane" kuye emizwelweni nasekuziphatheni kwendoda ejwayelekile noma yowesifazane ojwayelekile. Owesilisa kufanele ayeke ukulindela abesifazane abangontanga yakhe ukuthi bamvikele, bamtotose, noma bamphathe njengengane, futhi aphume esikhundleni sokuba ngumfowabo wodadewabo ongenalwazi, ongadingeki ebudodeni noma ebuholini besilisa. Udinga futhi ukunqoba ukwesaba kwakhe abesifazane, ukwesaba "ingane empofu" engakwazi ukungena endimeni yendoda nganoma iyiphi indlela. Ukuba ngowesilisa kusho ukuthatha umthwalo nokuhola kowesifazane. Lokhu kusho ukungavumeli umama-wesifazane ukuba abuse, kepha kunalokho, uma kunesidingo, ukuba ngumholi futhi athathe izinqumo ngokuhlanganyela. Akujwayelekile ukuthi isinyathelo sokushada nendoda eyisitabane sivele kumkakhe, yize kungaba yinto engokwemvelo ukuthi owesilisa anqobe owesifazane. Imvamisa owesifazane ufuna ukufiswa nokunqotshwa isithandwa sakhe.

Owesifazane onobungqingili kufanele ahlule ukwenqatshwa okungenamqondo kwendima yowesifazane ngokwakhe futhi amukele ngenhliziyo yami yonke indima eholayo yendoda. Ama-feminists abheka lokhu njengombono wesono, kepha eqinisweni, umbono olinganisa izindima zobulili awunakuba ngokwemvelo kangangokuba izizukulwane ezizayo kungenzeka zikuthathe njengokuhlanekezela kwesiko eliwohlokayo. Umehluko phakathi kwezindima zabesilisa nabesifazane ungaphakathi, futhi abantu abalwa nokuthambekela kwabo kobungqingili kufanele babuyele kule ndima.

Imizwa yobungqingili iza kuphela uma umuzwa wobudoda noma ubufazi bakho bubuyiselwa. Kodwa-ke, umuntu akufanele "aqeqeshe" ubungqingili, ngoba lokhu kungakhulisa ukuzethemba okuphansi: "Kufanele ngikhombise ubudoda bami (ubufazi)." Zama ukungangeni ebudlelwaneni obusondelene kakhulu nommeleli wobulili obuhlukile, uma ungekho othandweni futhi ungazizwa ukhanga okuxakile kulo muntu. Kodwa-ke, kumuntu ukuqeda ubungqingili, kwesinye isikhathi (noma kungenzeki njalo) inqubo yangempela ingathatha iminyaka eminingana. Sekukonke, kungcono ukulinda kunokuthola ukushada ngaphambi kwesikhathi. Umshado akuyona umgomo oyinhloko emzabalazweni wobulili obujwayelekile, futhi imicimbi akufanele iqhutshwe lapha.

Kwabasekeli abaningi bobungqingili, umshado ubangela imizwa ehlanganisiwe yenzondo nomona, futhi abantu abanjalo bathukuthela ngokushesha nje lapho bezwa ukuthi omunye wabangane babo abathandana nobungqingili uyashada. Bazizwa bengaphandle abangaphandle ngezindlela eziningi bephansi kwabangane babo. Futhi ngenkathi 'bezingane' noma 'beyintsha,' kunzima ngempela kubo ukuqonda okuningi ebudlelwaneni bendoda nowesifazane. Noma kunjalo, ngokuqeda kancane kancane i-neurosis yabo, abantu abanokuthambekela kobungqingili baqala ukubona ukuguquguquka kobudlelwano phakathi kwendoda nowesifazane bese bemukela iqiniso lokuthi ngokwabo bangaba yingxenye yalelizwe labantu abadala labesilisa nabesifazane.

Sengiphetha, ngifuna ukusho ukuthi: ungalokothi usebenzise enye ukuze uzikhuthaze ekubhekeni kobungqingili obuhlukile. Uma ufuna ukusinda kunoveli nje ukuze uqiniseke ngobungqingili bakho (obuthuthukisayo), kunengozi yangempela yokuwela ebusaneni futhi. Ungangeni ebudlelwaneni obusondelene kuze kube uqiniseka ukuthi lolu uthando olulinganayo, kufaka phakathi uthando olungafanele, kepha alulinganiselwe kulo; nothando olunjalo eninqume ukunethembeka komunye nomunye. Futhi lokhu kusho ukuthi ukhetha ukukhetha omunye umuntu hhayi owakho, kodwa azenzele yena.

Umthombo