Chapter 9 from the book of Joseph and Linda NicholasHomosexuality Prevention: A Guide for Parents". Published with permission of the publisher.

Fathers, hug your sons; 
If you do not,
then one day another man will do it.
Dr. Bird, psychologist

“If I learned something as a father,” said the client, whom we will name Gordon, “so that all children are different.” He sank into a chair in my office, and sad gaze was read in his gaze.

A successful financial analyst, Gordon was the father of four sons. “When Gloria and I got married, we could not wait, when we would have a real big family,” he said, “I had a bad relationship with my father, so I really wanted a family warmth.”

One pair of three boys was born to this couple, each of whom adored his dad. And then Jimmy appeared.

Gloria, sitting on a chair opposite her husband, looked at me with sadness and dismay. “By the time I was pregnant, Jimmy,” she said quietly, “I really wanted a girl. Jimmy was supposed to be our last child. When he was born, I was disappointed to tears. "

Probably Jimmy and his mother unconsciously did everything to cope with this disappointment, because by the age of eight Jimmy became his mother’s best friend. Caring and gentle boy, showing ability to play the piano, Jimmy was one of those children who are easily tuned to the wave of another person and understand his thoughts and feelings in a word. By that age, he could read maternal sentiment as a book, but did not have a single friend of his age. He already showed many signs of prehomosexual behavior. Recently, Gloria began to worry about the growing social isolation and depression of the boy. The older boys, on the other hand, were happy with everything and adapted well.

Gender problems Jimmy first became noticeable a few years earlier when he began to try on his grandmother's earrings and try her makeup. Gloria's gold and silver hairpins had a special appeal in the boy's eyes, and he began to be well versed in women's clothing - all this even before he went to school. At that moment he was only four years old.

“I treated Jimmy in the same way as with the other sons,” said Gordon, “and I understand that this did not work, because he always took my comments incorrectly. He left the room and refused to talk to me for a couple of days. ”

As he got older, Jimmy began to show many other disturbing symptoms: immaturity, too ardent imagination, which replaced him with real communication, and arrogant contempt for athletic older brothers and their friends whom they brought to visit. Gordon recalled that the rest of the sons always popped up to meet him when he came home from work, but not Jimmy, who always kept as if his father was an empty place for him.

At the moment, Jimmy's unbridled fantasies were causing the most concern. He lived in a made-up world, sitting for hours in his room and drawing cartoon characters. Gloria also observed another unhealthy tendency - each time, disappointed, Jimmy began to copy features

female behavior. When one of his brother's friends came to visit them, teased or ridiculed him, he began to behave exaggeratedly feminine.

In the end, Gloria and Gordon decided to do something to help his son. And they embodied their decision so actively that after the first month of family intervention, one of the older boys, Tony, began to complain that they had completely forgotten about him. For me, it was a sign that my parents diligently followed my recommendations. At this point, I invited Gloria and Gordon to explain to Tony that the whole family should come together and help Jimmy, who “forgets how to be a boy.” After that, despite a sharp start, Tony also began to help his brother.

Gordon was aware that the youngest son had long begun to move away from him. “Jimmy’s childhood coincided with a difficult period in my life. Our marriage was bursting at the seams, at work - big trouble. It seems to me that I just didn’t want to bother myself with how to find a common language with this child, because he has a very difficult character: he sulked and stomped away to his room whenever I said something that he perceived like criticism. ”

Other boys, on the contrary, were always eager to play with their father and sought his attention. “I just let Jimmy choose not to be with me,” Gordon admitted. “I must admit, I reasoned like this: well, since he doesn’t want to communicate with me, these are his problems.”

“In that case,” I explained, “we will do the exact opposite of what we did before.” This means that you, Gordon, need to try to attract Jimmy. And you, Gloria, will need to learn to "step aside." The whole family has to work together, reminding Jimmy that being a boy is great. ”

My treatment strategy, Jimmy, suggested that Gordon would encourage his son, give him special attention, take the boy with him on business, and involve him in physical contact games. I try to tell my fathers numerous possibilities for this - for example, while refueling a car, letting my son hold the pump. These small steps are important for forming a boy’s connection with the world of men, which is the foundation of a strong relationship between father and son.

Sometimes Gordon called Jimmy to help with gardening or making barbecue. Gordon made it a rule to be at home during Jimmy's weekly piano lessons and go to all of his performances. He took the boy to sports outings with his older brothers, hoping to overcome Jimmy's habit of isolation and his dislike of his brothers.

At first, Jimmy clearly opposed his father's initiatives. For example, he explicitly rejected an invitation to go to his office with his father. But, as his relationship with his father grew warmer, Jimmy began to behave more boyish and less teased at school. I approved the decision of Jimmy's parents to enroll him in the section where team participation was supposed, but there was no competition and the boys prevailed. Jimmy's mother, Gloria, specifically asked the counselor, a student youth, to give Jimmy more male attention that he needed.

Boys like Jimmy should understand that parents support and encourage them, not just condemn or criticize them. For example, once, when Jimmy was eight, he took a soft toy, a panda, with him to school. Gloria looked at the playground at lunchtime and saw that her son was playing all alone with the panda and talking to her. The next day, at the suggestion of Gloria, Gordon talked with his son and said: “Jimmy, boys of your age do not take soft toys to school. But I brought you something in return. ” He handed Jimmy the “Game Boy,” a handheld computer game the boy took with him the next day. To his surprise, classmates surrounded him with requests to let them play, and, of course, Jimmy was accepted into the company, because the toy was his.

As a result of successive actions by his parents, Jimmy's behavior, which was not appropriate for his gender, gradually decreased. This concerned not only femininity, but also isolation from peers, general immaturity, fears and hostility towards boys. Gordon told me: “When Jimmy ignores me and behaves as if he doesn’t need me, I must admit: this is a blow to my ego and I feel like turning around and leaving. It’s much easier to go with the flow and accept the status quo. But then I remember that Jimmy’s attitude towards me is just a defense. In fact, behind the mask of indifference and contempt lies the desire to communicate with me. So I drop my feelings and continue to make my way towards him. I lost my initiative when Jimmy was younger, but now I won’t let my son get rid of me so easily. ”

The difficult task of asserting masculinity

As we have seen, childhood gender dysphoria is actually an escape from the challenge of maturity. According to many studies, gender disorder is also associated with other issues that (like Jimmy's) include the boy’s rejection of his father, social isolation, and compensation through fantasy. Successful therapy helps the boy find a way in a world that is naturally divided into men and women. With the help of the two most important adults in his life, mother and father, a boy with a gender identity disorder can abandon secret androgynous fantasies and find that it is better to live in a world with clear gender boundaries.

As a parent, you must make sure that your intervention — with or without the help of a therapist — is unobtrusive and truly supportive, and that it is explicit. By discouraging unwanted cross-gender behavior, parents must be sure that the child feels that he is recognized as a unique person. You should not expect your child to become a typical boy or girl with interests typical for his or her gender. Some features may be present, and they are quite normal. But at the same time, “healthy androgyny” can only be based on a solid foundation of confidence in one’s own field.

It is important to always listen to the child with the same respect. Do not force him to participate in what he hates. Do not make him fit the role that scares him. Do not be ashamed of femininity. The process of change occurs gradually, through a series of steps that are accompanied by loving support. Trying to shame can have a negative effect.

Alex, a homosexual undergoing therapy with me, says this:

Once, when I was five years old, I received a set of perfumes as a gift, a lot of small bottles with various perfumes in a box with cells. They seemed amazing to me, and I carried them with me everywhere. I did not forget to grab them, and when my father and I went to visit relatives. I suppose I was delighted with them, because I decided to show them to my aunt Margarita. She looked me up and said something like: “Why do you need perfume? Are you a girl? ”Well, I burst into tears. She must have felt guilty because she had rushed to reassure me.

I don’t know why, but I still remember this incident. This fascination with spirits quickly passed, but because of this I experienced mixed feelings.

If your son is still very small, it is useful to once again point out to him the facts of his own biology, especially that he has a member, and this is a healthy and normal phenomenon, part of it. The father must be actively involved in this educational process. Many fathers find that joint washing with their sons provides a good occasion for such conversations. Fathers must emphasize that the anatomy makes the boy "just like all boys." An indication that he has Men the genitals (which the little pre-homosexual boy most likely subconsciously seeks to deny) will successfully dispel any feminine or androgynous fantasies. The male body is a reality, an indisputable part of it, proving its masculinity and clearly distinguishing it from mother. This is a symbol of his resemblance to dad.

Shower with dad

A joint shower with dad is a good way to enhance the boy’s identification with the father and the masculinity of the father, as well as with his own male anatomy.

Dr. George Rekers, an outstanding specialist in children's RGI, gives detailed recommendations on how to make such an experience positive: “Fathers should not react sharply or negatively if the son, while at heart with his father, asks questions about gender or sexual anatomy. Any such questions must be answered positively, with a natural interest, to submit information according to the level of development of the son, encouraging and henceforth to address such important questions at any time. ”¹.

Fathers should also learn: it is normal if the son examines the genitals of the father or spontaneously touches them. In such cases, the father should avoid embarrassment or shock, not react negatively, sharply or somehow punish his son. Instead, the father should tell the boy that he will look the same when he becomes a teenager.

If the son touches the genitals of the father, more often than not, his curiosity will be satisfied, and he will stop these touches. The son is unlikely to touch him often, if at all. But even if the son insistently continues to touch the father’s penis (which is unlikely), Dr. Rekers advises the father to switch his son’s attention, saying, for example: “Now take a washcloth and thoroughly wash your ears, make sure they are clean,” without expressing a direct prohibition .

If the son repeatedly touches the father’s genitals every time they take a shower together, Dr. Rekers advises the father to say: “I don’t mind you looking at my penis, I’m your dad. Knowing what an adult's penis looks like, you can imagine how your body will look in the future. But now that you have touched him, I must warn you. We men do not touch each other's penis, with the exception of a few cases. For example, when a doctor examines a patient; or parents bathe the baby; when it is necessary to check whether the boy needs medical attention if he complains of pain or itching in the genitals. ” In addition, the father must explain that you can touch your own penis only if others do not see it.

Dr. Rekers describes a tragic incident that traumatized a young boy and provoked cross-gender behavior. The father came out of the shower, and the little son, driven by curiosity and fascinated by his appearance, touched his father's penis. The father immediately spanked the boy, shouted sharply at him and called him a "pervert." Since then, the boy began to show cross-gender behavior. Taking a bath, he pushed the penis between his legs to look like a girl, and told his mother that he was sorry that he had a member.

However, if the experience of the joint soul of the father and son was carried out tactfully, says Rekers, "the boy will be more prepared for a joint shower with other men in the locker room at school, and then in the student dormitory."

In addition to sharing a shower with my little sons, I also advise fathers to regularly engage in aggressive physical contact with boys. Fathers can also help by encouraging aggressive behavior and physical expressions of aggression. This helps to counter the timid “boy-boy” role often played by a gender boy

problems. Fighting, fussing, “battling the pope” - through all this, the boy discovers his physical strength and comes into contact with this frightening and mysterious man.

The importance of touch

My adult homosexual clients, all without exception, describe a painful absence — almost pain — from a lack of physical contact with my father. Richard Wyler describes how this deprivation of touch leads to a constant feeling of deprivation:

For a person of Western culture it is extremely clear: real men do not touch each other. Unfortunately, this taboo is often carried over to fathers and sons, even very small ones, to brothers and close friends. Men in our culture are afraid to seem homosexual or “turn” into homosexuals, hugging another man or touching him.

But this gives rise to just what everyone is afraid of: many boys, being deprived of physical contact, grow up, dreaming of hugs. If the need for hugs and touches is not fulfilled in childhood, she does not leave just because the boy turns into a man. She was so important and denied for so long that some of us were looking for sex with a man, although in fact, we needed only a hug. We just could not imagine how else to get the non-sexual touch, which was so longed for.

Without this normal contact, a young person is vulnerable to unacceptable or violent relationships.

Wyler continues:

Not surprisingly, many of us have been involved in dysfunctional or unhealthy relationships since early childhood. As soon as we found something that looked like love and approval, we clung to it without thinking about the consequences.

Sometimes other men used us for sexual pleasure or we used them to feel loved and loved.

Remember the story of Olympic swimmer Greg Luganis, told in the third chapter? He was a lonely boy who was not understood and teased by classmates and who was estranged from his father. Not surprisingly, Luganis was emotionally vulnerable to the attention of an older man whom he met on the beach. He "was drawn to intimacy and embrace more than to sex." He was "hungry for love."

One of the important tasks facing parents is to encourage the child to naturally express their true thoughts and feelings. Since, as we saw, a boy with problems is often afraid of growing up and the responsibility associated with the male role, encourage him to talk about his worries and share his ideas about the sexual role.

We give an example. “Sean” was a effeminate seven-year-old boy, and his father decided: “We will not talk about the problem of Sean; we will just love him and approve. " This approach is good to start with, but not enough. Parents should find ways to explain to him the differences between masculinity and femininity. Questions such as: “What do you want to become when you grow up?”, “Who would you like to be like when you grow up?” Is a good reason to correct perceptions distorted in fantasy, to provide support.

You parents need to gradually replace the toys, games, and clothing that fuel your son’s cross-gender fantasies. Some mothers tell me that they secretly throw away certain things. Understanding their grief and the need to act in a hurry, I propose a more open approach. You can persuade the boy to participate in the transfer of these things with his permission to familiar little girls. Some parents even perform a ritual of getting rid of women's toys, packing them to give to a girl next door or a cousin. A “farewell ceremony” may be useful if the child is still very young. Take the box, put the dolls there, seal it and say “Goodbye!”, While acknowledging how difficult it is for the boy to give these toys back. Explain to him: "Now dad will take them to a little girl in the neighborhood who does not have a single Barbie doll."

It is important that your child can feel and express sadness and loss. Perhaps the hardest thing will be to sympathetically listen to his suffering and to get rid of these things to the end.

A “farewell ceremony” can be difficult, but it should not be traumatic. And your decision to conduct it should not be impulsive, but well thought out. Is the boy ready to give these things away? Perhaps for this he needs only a little push? Or will the ceremony make him feel betrayed and angry? If so, then the time for such dramatic steps has not yet come.

How active the intervention will be depends on the reaction of your child. If he becomes withdrawn, oppressed, angry, upset or nervous, then this is a sign that you are too forceful for events. One pair of enthusiasts hoped to “fix” the boy in one week. As a result, the child became restless and nervous. Dramatic, negative changes in the mood of the boy showed that he was not given time to adapt to the new expectations of his parents.

Some parents fall into the opposite extreme: they are slow even with the most obvious and sensible changes. For the most part, such fluctuations are caused by the confusion of modern cultural attitudes, and, as already mentioned, the conflicting advice of pediatricians. These parents are waiting for the permission of the specialist before telling the boy gently but clearly: “Bobby, no more girls’s things. You're too old to act like a girl. ” They say they are afraid to discuss problems with their son so as not to hurt his feelings.

However, the most effective intervention is when the parents act together, bringing to the consciousness of the child a gentle, but joint and unchanging message: "You are not like that, you are a boy." This style of therapy involves tenderness, care, love and excludes suddenness; however, everything is clear and unambiguous. It is very important that parents are united and consistent, because only this approach brings the most effective and sustainable results.

One mother put it very well: “Overcoming feminine behavior is like growing roses. It requires not so much effort as constant attention. ” The first step to recovery is to acknowledge the child’s problems and decide to overcome them together. The second step confronts the child with the fact that the parents intend to help him and that it is necessary to change. As soon as the child understands that both parents are united and no longer intend to allow cross-gender behavior, he will begin to adapt. Some discomfort from such demands, often unexpected, is quite predictable.

Process stages

From my experience working with boys with a gender disorder and their parents, I can say that there are four stages of change development: (1) resistance, (2) external obedience, (3) hidden resistance, and (4) parent-child union.

If your son exhibits obvious cross-gender behavior, these steps will serve as a general framework to help you find a way to get better. Of course, like all schemes explaining a complex phenomenon, these stages sometimes overlap; the child can return to the previous stage before he proceeds to the next. However, these steps may serve as general guidance.

1 Stage: Resistance. Faced with new restrictions, a child may express anger, resentment, and rebellion. He realizes that mom and dad will no longer allow him feminine behavior and fantasies that previously gave joy and peace. As soon as he realizes that he will not be able to enjoy the fictitious image of himself, he can turn away from you emotionally. Gender-inappropriate boys are especially sensitive to criticism and demands. Try not to be too critical and demanding.

You can tell your son something like this: “You know, you're lucky to be a boy.” Emphasize — even exaggerate — the differences between girls and boys. Reinforce his awakening masculine identity by asking questions such as: “Which girl are you going to marry when you become big?”, “What kind of dad will you be when you grow up?” Be creative in finding opportunities to emphasize gender differences.

Stage 2: External Obedience. In most cases, parents soon notice that their son is moving towards them - at least, so it seems at first glance. Often the changes are so dramatic that they ask themselves: “Has he really changed, or is he just trying to earn praise?” To please you, a child can simply imitate the change according to your wishes. In fact, the first changes are more often a simple behavioral adaptation without genuine internal transformation. But, after a long time, if you are emotionally close enough with him, this behavior will become part of his self-perception. Since you, parents, are the most important people in his world, he will have to reluctantly, but inevitably part with his cross-gender fantasies.

3 Stage: Hidden Resistance. You may be delighted with how quickly your son reacts to your intervention. However, there is a possibility of the return of secret feminine behavior that will quickly disappoint you and make you think that all efforts are futile. To save parents from frustration and depression, I advise them to expect such moments in advance and not be surprised at this.

Here is an example of such a dual relationship. It seems that your five-year-old son is changing, but once again he grabs the doll or even starts to suck his thumb. You say: “Honey, haven't we talked about this?” “Ah?” He says. “Son,” you answer softly, but decisively, “we have already talked about what it means to be a boy, and that adult boys do not play with dolls. So go, remove the doll, and let's find you another toy. " You should be prepared for the fact that the boy will take two steps forward and one step back. Parents should remember that nothing in the universe moves along the shortest straight line, including the recovery of their son.

You will notice that more often than not, your son returns to feminine behavior after striking self-esteem. One father remarks: "When my son feels bad, he behaves feminine." When a child feels happy and cheerful, meets the approval of other people, he will avoid recourse. We must also be prepared for regressive behavior when the boy is tired, sick, undergoing stress, some kind of disappointment or rejection. Femininity is a complacent response to stress.

After such a regression, parents express their concern that the son “just pleases us” or “tries to please us, because he knows that it is important for us.” They want to know if their son is really changing internally. Rooting in the field is much more than changing behaviorIt requires a shift in perception.

The family should soberly evaluate the male role models of the boy. If the father remains a negative model, especially if he treats the boy’s mother disdainfully or insults her, the child may unconsciously form the perception that identification with the male sex is dangerous. In this case, the boy needs the armor of feminine behavior for protection and no behavioral changes can be assimilated. We must understand how difficult this fight is for the boy. There is an internal conflict in it. As one boy said, "inside me are two halves that fight each other."

4 Stage: Workers Union. There is nothing more pleasant for parents than to see that the son is moving towards him. When the son watched a cartoon with female characters on TV, the mother of Aron, a young boy with a gender disorder, got a rare opportunity to watch his inner conflict:

I saw that Aron wanted to merge with this heroine. Before, he would dance around the room like a ballerina.

Nearby lay figures from a toy set and several cars. I saw that he was trying to tear his eyes away from the TV and assemble one of the figures. He tried to resist the temptation to imagine himself this heroine. My heart was bleeding because I perfectly understood his feelings.

In the phase of cooperation, he will not only meet you, but also talk about his internal struggle. One couple reported that their little boy believed them: “It's so hard to grow.” Remember that for children, growth creates conflict because it means meeting the challenge of being a boy. And a stop in development remains attractive, because it provides the comfort of a female or androgynous role and a very close relationship with the mother, helps to hide from the demands of the male world. Another boy said with an obvious frustration: “I'm trying to forget about them,” referring to the collection of Barbie dolls he gave away. His mother told me: "Now he wants to change, although I see that it takes him a lot of energy."

The role of the therapist

Since parents are very empathetic with the child, it is often difficult for them to systematically implement the necessary changes on their own. Whenever possible, I highly recommend finding a good psychotherapist for help.

A professional psychotherapist who shares your values ​​and goals, firstly, tells you the next steps, and secondly, points out the gaps that you can allow as people and as parents. So, the therapist may notice that your communication with the child will not have the desired effect. He can see that your son never talks about his efforts and conflicts, but only outwardly fulfills your requests. He can indicate how mother and father transmit various, and possibly even contradictory and confusing messages about sex.

For the correction of childhood gender disorder, parental unity is very important. The most sustainable changes are possible with the continued interest of both parents. If only one parent does this, the chances of a positive outcome are much lower. Remember, there is no such thing as a “neutral” member of the parent team. An uninterested parent is perceived by the child as an unspoken permission to remain feminine and as a denial of the position of the other parent. Traditional psychoanalytic therapy of the prehomosexual state focused on working with a child observed by a single psychotherapist. Parents did not attend sessions that were held with the child two to five times a week for many years. Such a therapeutic method was very expensive, and the level of success left much to be desired. It is more effective if the therapist regularly works with parents, and not with the child. After several weekly sessions, the doctor should meet with parents only for the necessary consultations and monitoring the boy’s progress (about once a month). Usually, a meeting with a child is required by a psychotherapist only for an initial diagnosis and then periodically during treatment. I often found that my professional support and advice only reinforced my parents' intuitive knowledge. The heart tells them that the baby is not all right, but they need permission to intervene. Most mothers are well aware that the boy’s father should have been more involved in the process and that his detachment increases their son’s difficulties.

But, as we said in the previous chapter, parents are often lost in the face of conflicting media reports and child development specialists. Such parents need an informed doctor who will support their goals, not the idea that gender is irrelevant. The doctor must prepare the child for life in the gender world, helping to reduce the likelihood of homosexual development.

Unconditional love

One of the therapist’s most important responsibilities is to help parents express their disapproval of feminine behavior not scolding child. The doctor helps parents learn to convey to the boy that feminine behavior is unacceptable, and gentle, but firmly opposed to such behavior. But at the same time, the boy should not perceive parental demands as criticism or rejection.

When working with the problems of your son (or daughter), you can hear that a healthy person is not limited to a narrow version of gender. You will be told that the personality should include both male and female traits. This popular performance comes, in particular, from the work of the analyst Karl Gustav Jung, a contemporary of Freud. Jung believed that growing up requires the integration of traits of the opposite sex. Indeed, in the statement that in the process of growth we combine opposite sexual emotional characteristics, there is some truth. But this can be achieved only after a solid identification with the biological sex. Such integration should never jeopardize the achievement of the necessary gender identity.

A widespread misinterpretation of this principle is seen in parental affection for the gender deviations of their children. Some “advanced” mothers say that they admire the sight of their son in a dress or with a doll in her arms, and that they see no problem in her daughter's categorical refusal to wear the dress. But this is a serious mistake. It is foolish to encourage a son to assimilate feminine qualities before he becomes comfortable with a masculine identity or to support his daughter's rejection of feminine things.

Success rating

Successful treatment of gender disorder should reduce cross-gender behavior and strengthen a healthy identity, improve relationships with peers, and ultimately reduce stress in a child’s life. The goal of therapy is to reduce the boy’s sensation that he is different from other boys and is somewhat worse than them. This increases the chances of developing a normal heterosexual orientation. To check your achievements, pay attention to the following success indicators:

1. Decrease in femininity. Parents observe a departure from the behavior that caused the concern. We should see less indulgence in girlish pursuits and habits.

2. The growth of self-confidence. Parents see that their son feels more confident and is proud that he coped with a difficult task. Parents notice that their child is more confident.

3. Great maturity. Parents describe the child as happier, more confident, and more natural. One mother, choosing her words, explained it this way: "He seems more ... real." The boy becomes less shy, shy and self-centered. He will demonstrate the best ability for emotional contact and an adequate response to other people.

4. Decreased anxiety or depression. Researchers have found a link between femininity and increased anxiety or depression.². As the conflict of gender identity is resolved, parents note that the son is less agitated and insecure, less worried about trifles. A growing sense of resemblance to other boys reduces signs of anxiety and depression.

5. Growing popularity among boys. According to observations, boys who show the features of a “real boy” in their behavior are more popular, and those who are less courageous are less popular. (In girls, the relationship between behavior and popularity is less pronounced). Courageous boys more often than feminine have good friendships with the guys. Boys with gender identity problems are often victims of extreme violence by their peers. To my knowledge of clinical experience, feminine boys are also more often victims of sexual harassment by pedophiles, who know that a boy rejected by peers is deprived of attention and therefore represents easy prey.

6. Decrease in behavioral problems. Most pre-homosexual boys are obedient "good boys", only a small number of children behave disobediently. In any case, when the child assimilates adequate gender behavior, the child's parents, teachers and other adults note that he has become more social. They notice a decrease in tantrums, emotional outbursts, and isolation.

7. Improving relationships with father. Parents report that the son reaches for his father, wants to be with him and enjoys his company.

8. "He is glad that he is a boy." Parents feel that their son is proud that he is a boy - to do the same as all boys, and to do well. This brings him a sense of satisfaction because he is one of the guys. Dr. George Rekers describes the treatment outcomes of more than fifty children with RHI who have had persistent changes in gender identity. Rekers is convinced that preventive therapy helps prevent the formation of transvestism, transsexuality, and some forms of homosexuality.³.

Doctors Zucker and Bradley also suggest that RGI therapy may be successful:

In our experience, a significant number of children and their families are making big changes. We are referring to those cases where the problems of RGI have been completely resolved, and nothing in children's behavior or fantasies gives rise to the suggestion that gender identity issues are still a problem ...

Given all the factors, we adhere to the position that the clinician should be optimistic, and not deny the opportunity to help children achieve confidence in their gender identity.

Other researchers who report success with feminine boys say effective therapy helps children understand the reasons for their cross-gender behavior and strengthens signs of masculinity. Their approach, like ours, involves the presence of a therapist, one with the child of the sex, who will require the help of the father of the child. They also involve a child's family and peer group in therapy.

Going through the change process

We want to share the results of therapy for children with gender problems, by providing transcripts of several genuine cases. These cases were not selected on the basis of success; they represent fairly typical examples of families who faced both tangible success and disappointment. All of the examples cited are for boys whose gender-based violation was so obvious that they worried their parents.

We hope that as you read, you can compare your son’s condition and his successes. All these boys were brought to my office due to gender disorder. Their parents returned for post-therapeutic diagnosis several years after completion of treatment.

Remember that the goal of treatment is to reduce the boy’s feelings that he is different or worse than other boys. This maximizes the possibility of developing a normal heterosexual orientation, although it can only be judged after one to two decades later.

Tommy: the ongoing need for increased self-esteem

The following is a transcript of the conversation with the mother of the son with gender problems, conducted several years after the completion of therapy. This boy was able to largely get rid of feminine manners and feels much better. Difficulties in interacting with self-esteem still impede him, since Tommy still allows himself to play a passive role in relations with both boys and girls.

Dr. N.: The last time you were in this office four years ago. How's your son doing right now?

Mother: All in all, much better. Tommy is less prone to mood swings, and he can no longer be called feminine.

Dr. N.: What about your son’s popularity among other boys?

Mother: Unfortunately, little has changed here.

Dr. N.: She has not increased?

Mother: Not. The problem is that he was disappointed in some of the children with whom he tried to make friends when they did not answer him. He just stopped calling them and talking to them at school. He has such a habit of retreating when he is faced with disappointment, an obstacle.

Dr. N.: Does he have close friends?

Mother: Marianne, a girl from our street. They are still good friends. Thank God, it’s not the same as before, when they had to see each other constantly.

Dr. N.: Correctly. I remember that when he behaved very girlishly, Tommy usually spent a lot of time with her.

Mother: Yes. He allowed Marianne to treat him maternally and to command. He usually agreed with this arrangement, despite the fact that she treated him, guided where to go and what to do. Then I did not understand that such a relationship did not benefit him.

Dr. N.: What is his relationship with the guys?

Mother: He has a close friend, but I don’t see the closeness I would like to see, although this boy considers my son to be his best friend. When they are alone, Tommy says little. He is very quiet. Another boy always runs and says: "I am better."

Obviously, although femininity is gone, Tommy still needs help because of his penchant for the relationship in which he allows himself to command. I suggested that my mother give him to a club or offer an activity where he could be

leader and help younger children, to increase his self-confidence and increase self-esteem. A therapy with a male psychotherapist could also be helpful.

"Tim": dad has become a loved one with whom you can consult

Since Tim’s father realized that his son with gender problems needs more attention and began to devote more time to him, the boy has made serious progress.

Father: Over the past year, I became observant: I try to notice how Tim communicates with peers, both boys and girls, how he behaves in different situations. Their school had an unimportant sports ground, and I helped rebuild the stands. I attracted Tim, other guys, their sons to numerous construction works, and I managed to get closer to my son. We both enjoyed it. I tried to do this before, but Tim showed no interest; I think he could not get rid of the feeling that he would not be up to par.

Mother: I would add something, Jack. I think something more was behind this for my son. I think Tim actively rejected you and everything connected with you.

Dr. N.: This is just a defense against a sense of inferiority. The position of superiority was the mask behind which he hid a sense of inferiority.

Father: Maybe you're right. He thought: “If I accept my father as he is, then I must accept the fact that I am not able to conform to this image. But now I can strive to be more like him; because I can achieve this. " Now in communication with my son, I understand this more and more. If I tried to talk to him about the things that we are discussing now, a year ago, he would bristle and close.

Dr. N.: This attitude carries over into adulthood. Many gays, as can be seen from gay literature, say that homosexuality elevates them above ordinary guys. They are creative people, they have an increased susceptibility; and the average guy is an ordinary hard worker. But, paradoxically, at the same time, they are sexually attracted to the type of guys to whom they have contempt. This is a defensive position dating back to those painful childhood experiences that your son struggled with among his peers. You tried to show that he succeeds, he is one of these guys.

Father: Yes, it is from this feeling of inferiority and inability to fit into the world of men that we want to protect. But before, Tim did not want to reveal himself to me. Probably, it seemed to him that if he opens up and shows what is in his soul, then he will again feel the wall: “Well here again! They don’t really care " or "They don’t understand what I’m trying to tell them. ”

It became clear to me: when Tim opens up and wants to talk, I must listen to him carefully. This is not the time to read a magazine or watch TV, even if there is a program that I really want to watch. It’s better to drop everything and listen, that’s what I understood. If you do not immediately, he closes.

Now he comes to me and asks: “Is it normal if I do this?” In other words, he asks me how to behave like a man. And I take my time explaining why it’s not worth it to behave in a circle of friends if he wants the guys at school to treat him well. I advise you to stay away from all kinds of girlish things. And when I talk to him like that with him, I feel contact, I read in his eyes: “Okay, dad, I’ll try.”

I had never told him honestly why he had such problems with the guys at school. Now I turn to him with love, as a mentor and as a father, and say: “If you want to live without blows and pain, you need to learn: there are permissible things, but there are unacceptable ones. There is behavior that will bring you only misery. ”

I no longer see frivolous gestures or uncomfortableness. Before me is a much more adult young man than one might have expected in such a time. It’s like taking a book, turning pages and you can only say: “Well, well!” And progress continues.

Of course, getting rid of feminine habits is not the main thing, but when he holds on differently, the surrounding guys behave differently with him and gradually Tim himself begins to perceive himself differently.

Evan: father’s attempts to heal relationships

The son of his father, who came to talk with me, Evan, three years ago, at the age of thirteen, entered into sexual contact with the counselor in the summer camp.

Dr. N.: When Evan was a child, was he different from your other sons?

Father: Without a doubt. I noticed very early what toys Evan chooses. And he was a very expressive child, very sociable and emotional. We considered him creative and sensitive. When he became older, we began to notice an attraction to things that in our culture are not considered masculine.

Dr. N.: Did it bother you?

Father: Not that it’s because we have a lot of creative people in our family, and we just tried to understand who he would grow up with. I never believed that my son should be courageous or even especially athletic. Only much later, when we saw an interest in gay things, which he developed as he approached puberty, I realized that it was necessary to behave differently with such a son.

Dr. N.: What would you do differently?

Father: I should not have been so strict and picky in the details. He could not be forced to do something like this, and not otherwise, even when he was a preschooler. Evan was really upset when he was criticized. This did not hurt the rest of my sons, but he was worried. And so a gap appeared between us, which for many years interfered with our relations.

It’s a shame that it took me so many years to understand: my son doesn’t bear the appeal “pack up, don’t get wet”. More than others, Evan needed to see that his dad was responsive, able to cry, can listen and say: “Let's talk, how you feel” instead of “So, let's talk! Alive! ”

Dr. N.: What do you want for your son?

Father: Most of all, I hope that he will have peace in his soul, that he will learn to enjoy who he is. Whatever confusion and discomfort he may feel now, I hope that he will be healthy. And since our family is Christians, I also hope that he will understand the will of God regarding his life.

Dr. N.: But what if one day he comes to you and says: “Mom, Dad. I tried to change. I could not, and I am gay. ” What would you do then?

Father: It would be very painful for me to hear this, but I will still love him, what I mean.

Dr. N.: Would you continue to maintain a relationship?

Father: Naturally. How can I interrupt them? This is our son.

Dr. N.: Right Our children always remain our children.

Father: Recently, we have cried more than once, and Evan poured out my soul. He told me what was going on with him. Listening to him, I found that many things that I did out of love, he perceived completely differently. Evan interpreted them as criticism.

Dr. N.: What was the signal of a problem for you?

Father: When Evan became a teenager, I saw that he was suffering. He considered himself unattractive and saw in himself only flaws. I didn’t like him. Then there was that sexual incident with a mentor from the camp, which became a really alarming challenge. As I approached my son, I saw how difficult it was to convince him that I really loved him and was interested in his life. He seemed hard to believe.

Dr. N.: He could not accept what you said?

Father: Yes, and we cried together quite a few times.

Dr. N.: Imagine how hard it is.

Father: It is so painful to hear what your son is fighting with. It is terribly unfortunate that you cannot remove all the pain, bad memories, mistakes that have been pointed out to you now, but you can only erase them from your memory.

Dr. N.: There is so much to talk about. each of us like a parent would like to forget, right?

Father: Now, Evan and I can talk about this, especially when he is discouraged and he feels bad. Now, in most cases, I do not give advice and do not try to solve the problem. I just listen and let him throw my feelings or anger at me, and if he is angry with me, I’m not defending myself.

Dr. N.: What advice would you give fathers of adolescents?

Father: We are fortunate that our son does not want to be gay. This changes a lot. But this is now, a few years after that sexual incident, and we understand that this cannot be fixed quickly.

Dr. N.: Nothing changes instantly.

Father: There will be times when you say: “Nothing helps; it doesn’t change ”, and the moments when you are sure that the problem is completely solved. On such days, you say to yourself: "It works, thank God! My child will be heterosexual! ” So, I would tell my parents: “Know, this will be a long way, and the situation can become even more painful before it goes smoothly.”

Looking back, I see that it’s not just about fixing manners. It doesn’t boil down to “I don’t want Evan to walk like that” or “I don’t want him to wave his hand like that.”

Dr. N.: Of course. The question is much deeper than demeanor.

Father: In fact, the question is whether Evan would be happy, finally feel comfortable, at peace with himself. He realizes what choices he faces and does not want to be gay. Our relationship with him has improved significantly. I believe that now we can be sure that we have done everything possible to lay the right foundation.

Simon: An Indifferent Father

Simon, five years after his parents began to do something, also got rid of feminine manners. His mother says that he is a good student, has grown up. He is not so prone to mood swings, and his gender problems are left behind. However, Simon's dad let it go, and, as in the case of Tommy, the boy still has difficulties with self-confidence.

Dr. N.: Mrs. Martin, how old is your son now?

Mother: Twelve.

Dr. N.: Do you think he has become less feminine?

Mother: Absolutely right. I don’t notice femininity in him. When he was younger, there was such a tendency in clothing, mannerism, and a passion for dancing. Trying to remember, it was so long ago.

Dr. N.: Good. What about self-confidence?

Mother: He is not too assertive, it is not in his character, but he has attentive trainers who encourage him, can breathe confidence into him, help him to establish himself. I tried to select trainers for him and even a team for classes.

Dr. N.: Do you think Simon's anxiety and depression have decreased?

Mother: Without a doubt. I didn’t notice them anymore.

Dr. N.: And what happened before?

Mother: I remember a few years ago, anxiety was obvious. It became especially evident when he went to classes, where both boys and girls were present. It was then that I first noticed that he had difficulty communicating with other children. He was crying, hesitant. He wanted to stay home with me.

Dr. N.: Is he more confident than then?

Mother: I know for sure that my son is confident in certain areas. For example, in studies, he is ahead of other children. He has just been issued a report card, and for most subjects he has the highest score. Studying is easy for him. I see no more childishness, although from time to time childish intonations slip through him and I have to remind him of this. For his level of development, he is very responsible and attentive, he is never late when we go somewhere.

Dr. N.: I don't remember Simon having any behavioral problems. Has anything changed since then?

Mother: He always behaved well. He is very smart and calm. Where others will be bullies, Simon will focus and absorb knowledge.

Dr. N. How are things with friends?

Mother: Many boys call him and ask him how to solve their homework, so I know that he communicates with other boys and that they love him. But I personally think that his inner disposition indicates that he does not have a high self-esteem. Although they love him, I think he will be a loner, even though he dines with the boys and takes part in sports. He's not too athletic, but he's doing pretty well. The coach says that he understands everything, so over time everything will fall into place.

Dr. N.: What is Simon's relationship with his father?

Mother: Not really. My husband never learned anything. He yells at him, and I see that it hurts Simon’s pride. After this, the son goes to his room and avoids the father for many days. The husband should understand that this is a problem, but he does not notice it. He lacks intelligence, or compassion, or something else.

Dr. N.: Does he notice this? Does he understand that this is not normal?

Mother: No I do not think so.

Dr. N.: That is, he does not even notice the problem ... Let me clarify: sometimes his father scolds him, and Simon leaves in response and avoids his father for a long time. Does the father not notice this or, for some reason, does not want to make an effort and establish contact with the boy?

Mother: Yes. I consider this a lack of compassion. My first instinct, as a mother, is to protect my children. That is why we had problems in marriage. Now I do not bother to remind my husband. It pains me to see my son in this state, and I no longer want to deal with my husband about Simon. We have already been cursing because of this, and this has damaged our marriage.

Dr. N.: If you had not prompted him, then ...

Mother: That we would all stay at home for the rest of our lives, doing nothing. The only thing the husband does with the children is watching TV, and watching what he himself wants. My husband is like a selfish child.

Simon’s mother did everything she could for her son, but the boy still needs a role model, and we hope that one of the relatives will take the father’s place.

"Brian": Dad's love and attention bring results

According to the observations of Brian's parents, the boy just blossoms when his father does not forget about him. And the main key to success is constancy.

Dr. N.: Mrs. Jones, how old is Brian now? Four years have passed since your last visit.

Mother: He is ten now.

Dr. N.: How do you rate it becoming less feminine? Any changes?

Mother: Yes, and big ones. He still has some female gestures. Of my four sons, he is the most feminine; however, he no longer behaves "like a girl." As we say, "behaves like a boy", "to be normal." I think that he is still struggling a bit with this - gestures, movements. Sometimes we still have to

remind him of this. But I notice that his behavior is much more adequate, and so for several years.

Dr. N.: Do you think that he is changing because he knows that otherwise he is at risk of disapproval, or because he has really lost interest in his previous behavior?

Mother: I do not see anything inappropriate. He behaves quite normally, even when we are not around, I have been following this for several years.

Dr. N.: That is, you think, feminine behavior has significantly decreased.

Mother: Yes, a lot.

Dr. N.: How do you rate his self-esteem? I remember that he had problems with low self-esteem.

Mother: I think he will fight with this all his life. I see that it is gradually rising, but for him it is a very difficult battle. Sometimes he comes and tells me: “I think I'm becoming popular” or “I think I could make friends with someone else.” I often hear that. He kind of encourages himself, while the other three of my sons never questioned his popularity.

Dr. N.: What about his anxiety and depression? This was a serious problem for Brian, especially depression.

Mother: She almost went.

Dr. N.: Really?

Mother: I would say that during the past year I hardly noticed her at all. He is still subject to mood swings. But I understand that he is just an impressionable child. He is an introvert, absorbed in his thoughts and loves to discuss his feelings with me, and not with dad. But there is no depression. I do not see anything like it. I would say that he is quite happy.

Dr. N.: Fine. Let's talk about Brian’s friendship with the guys. How are you doing with this?

Mother: He is still worried about friends and relationships. Since you and I saw each other, to help Brian, I became the leader of the scouts, which made it possible to invite a group of ten boys to the house at least once a week.

Dr. N.: Did you really do it?

Mother: Yes, and I continue to this day, so in our house there are always boys.

Dr. N.: Does he communicate with them?

Mother: At first, when I started to lead the Boy Scout group, no, but now I’m talking. I started leading her when he was only eight, and I must say, he was a little wild. Now he is not in my squad, but he helps me deal with ten other boys who come to us, and feels quite at ease.

But I still see his complexes about popularity. For the past couple of years, he has been trying hard to make friends at school. He ran home excited and said: “I have a new friend!” Other boys constantly call him, and the teacher says that he is very popular at school. But it seems he still finds it hard to believe.

Last school year, we sent him to the football section and he hated football. So we let him stop classes. But he recently asked if he could play tennis and join the tennis team. We told him "of course." He first asked for something like that. But I do not want to say that he is unsportsmanlike. He has no girlish attitude to his body at all.

Dr. N.: Well, we can say that progress is evident. What about the tantrums and outbursts of anger that Brian had before?

Mother: Those tantrums? Everything has passed.

Dr. N.: It's all gone ...

Mother: It was a terrible period of my life, a terrible four years. Reading my notes made at that time, I cannot believe how far we have gone. Our family was in complete chaos. And now this is all a thing of the past.

Dr. N.: I find keeping a diary very useful so that parents can track changes. As we live in the current day, the big picture eludes us. Keeping a diary gives parents the opportunity to see the results of their efforts.

Mother: It's true. Remembering the period of my life with Brian when he was from two to six years old, I can honestly say: it was a real nightmare. I could not even dream that someday he would be as normal as now. True, I did not hope that he would ever be able to fit into society and so on.

Dr. N.: Does father continue to help?

Mother: Yes, while I keep poking him when he forgets. Bill forgets, but when I remind him, he is not angry because he knows that this is important.

Dr. N.: Does he often correct Brian?

Mother: Not as often as, in my opinion, necessary, Bill and I have already been cursing about this.

Dr. N.: But Bill does not notice the manifestations of manners that you see? Or does he notice but don’t see the connection between them and his participation in Brian’s life?

Mother: Only if it’s right under his nose and it’s very obvious.

Dr. N.: Is Brian reaching for his father?

Mother: Yes. I notice that he is much more open with dad after they spent time together. In other words, if Bill and Brian spend time together, then Brian clings to him. We both notice it.

Dr. N.: This is typical. Brian has a subconscious negative image of his father and masculinity, which he personifies. But after warm communication with the father, the internal image of the “bad” or “insignificant dad” is replaced by the “good dad”. His direct experience comes into conflict with the image hidden in the subconscious.

Mother: I tell Bill he's like an “injection” to Brian. You can’t say more precisely. Bill gives Brian an “injection” of attention, and for two or three days Brian does not leave his father. But then, if Bill weakens his attention, it passes. Now Brian does not need such injections so much, it is enough for him to be daily patted on the shoulder, hugged by the neck. In that spirit.

Dr. N.: Right This is exactly what happens. And do you see the connection between effeminate behavior and the injection of father’s attention and love?

Mother: Yes very. Like magic. It is hard to explain this to someone else.

Ricky: getting used to masculinity

Nine-year-old Ricky has made significant strides over the past few years. His father continues to actively engage in it, Ricky has a good relationship with his brother, and he understands gender differences well.

Dr. N.: Mrs. Smith, do you think that Ricky's femininity has decreased from what it was before?

Mother: That's right. I would say that a couple percent remained from the problem.

Dr. N.: Did your father take an active part in Ricky's life?

Mother: Yes.

Dr. N.: He has not cooled to this?

Mother: Not. He became much more responsible. If he sometimes forgets, he quickly catches himself. It is worth a hint, and he immediately changes his behavior. He used to chat in vain, evading responsibility. But now my husband is worried whenever he forgets about Ricky, or perceives my comments without a problem.

Dr. N.: This is extremely important. You know, I work with many parents, and mothers are always more enthusiastic. Most fathers need to be encouraged to participate. And sons who are more successful are always those whose fathers are truly involved.

How is his self-esteem? Does Ricky feel better?

Mother: It’s hard to say, because we did not encounter any problems. I can only say that mannerism and femininity are a thing of the past. We began to accustom him to men's studies, and now we take him to swimming. He really likes it, and his older brother also does swimming. This is interesting because I do not like to swim, and baseball I do not like. In fact, I can't stand baseball! But he watches it with his brother on TV, and they are actively ill.

Dr. N.: Is his father interested in baseball?

Mother: Not really.

Dr. N.: That is, the two brothers are watching baseball.

Mother: The boys watch baseball and somehow manage to do their math homework between things. I don’t know how they do it. They read together: they sit at the kitchen table, my husband reads his own, Ricky reads his own.

Dr. N.: Can you say that he has matured?

Mother: Perhaps. He used to behave more childishly. A lot has changed. This morning I was in an open lesson. He was no different from the rest of the children. He did not indulge in some, and showed curiosity, which had not existed before. He wants to know, he wants to understand. So I think he has matured. But I am sorry that I do not see a closer friendship with the boys.

Dr. N.: What about anxiety or depression? Do you notice something like that?

Mother: Sometimes he is gloomy. But this is not that complete depression when he threw himself on the bed and sobbed. Nothing. This we no longer allow.

Dr. N.: Is he depressed like before? Is it sad or withdrawn?

Mother: Not like before. If this happens, it is usually not without reason. Because of someone or something specific. Now he talks about it.

Dr. N.: Is everything all right with his brother?

Mother: Their relationship has improved. They go swimming together and spend more time together. Every day they train together in our pool. John can sometimes offend and bully Ricky. But John is already old enough, so I can tell him his behavior, and he understands that he must behave differently with his brother.

Dr. N.: Does Ricky ever talk about being a boy? Does he ever talk about the differences between boys and girls?

Mother: Yes, for example, swimming. Just yesterday, they approached me at the club and asked if I was going to give my daughter Sue for swimming. Ricky whistled and said, “No, swimming is not for her.” I asked: “Why, Ricky?” He said: “Well, she is a girl. I don’t want her to go swimming with us. ”

Philip: growing in self-understanding with the support of his father

Philip's father, Julio, was in his town a famous school football coach. There are four boys in their family, parents adhere to strict Catholic values. Philip was always a more tender boy; from a very young age he grew up silent, reserved, and kept apart from his brothers. By the age of eleven, he never found true friends at school, he was very interested in theater and acting.

When Philip went to high school, he became very unsociable, often in a depressed mood. His mother found him downloading gay porn from the Internet and made an appointment with me.

Julio loved all his sons, but his work, because of which he often disappeared in the evenings and on weekends at football matches and training, did not allow him to be at home much. The three other sons of Julio followed in the footsteps of his father, so they were constantly in his company, but Philip, whose interests were far from sports, was on the sidelines. The local success of his father as a trainer raised the bar in their large, ramified family with many uncles and cousins, and it was expected that his sons, including Philip, would meet this high standard.

After three years of therapy, mainly thanks to the efforts of his father, Philip made very great progress. He was eighteen, and he was already in college. Here is our conversation with him.

Dr. N.: Philip, how are you now with male friendships?

Philip: Much better.

Dr. N.: What has changed?

Philip: I think I could understand: all this time I have was male friendship, but I did not allow myself to believe it.

Dr. N.: Didn’t allow it?

Philip: Then, however, I did not understand what male friendship is. I expected more emotional from her. And I had a rather low opinion of myself. Now I understand that I have always had male friendships, but I did not allow myself to believe this.

Because of his emotional needs and isolation, Philip placed unrealistic expectations on male friendships. He expected from her unconditional closeness, which compensates for his feelings that, as a man, he does not meet generally accepted requirements. He was able to admit that he had good friends and they were open to him, but a deep emotional dependence and romanticism, and especially eroticism, are not peculiar to healthy male friendships.

Philip: Looking back, I see that there were guys next to me, but I myself was hiding from them. But at that time I did not notice these opportunities. I was not ready to see them.

Dr. N.: You were alone because you always thought: this guy will never be friends with me.

Fear of rejection and a sense of worthlessness pushed him to the protective department.

Philip: I felt like I was different from the other guys. I don’t know ... The way I spoke, my sense of humor, was very different, so it seemed to me.

Dr. N.: Do you feel like one of them now?

Philip: Definitely.

Dr. N.: Where do you see yourself, say, in ten years? Do you ever imagine yourself in the future as part of the gay world?

Philip: I have never been mine in a gay environment. I know that I was not born gay. I look at them as unhappy people who sincerely believe that they have no choice. Therefore, I feel sorry for them.

Dr. N.: That is, it is not for you?

Philip: Right In any case, my moral principles would not allow me to do this.

Dr. N.: How would you describe your life prospects?

Philip: Much better. I know that I have a goal to be achieved, a task to be solved. I look to the future with optimism, although I know that it will be a long way.

Dr. N.: How - How is your relationship with your father?

Philip: Dad and I have become very close over the past five years.

Recommendations to parents

Perhaps now you can better see what your child needs, and you have decided to intervene and adjust his behavior so that it is more consistent with gender. To summarize our brief overview of the treatment process, we’ll outline four key principles that you may find useful:

1. To achieve adequate gender behavior and strengthen the child, always remember: praise is more effective than punishment. If you want to remove exaggeratedly feminine (and for a girl - exaggeratedly boyish) behavior, it is most effective to regularly and clearly express your disapproval, but to avoid punitive measures. In other words, gently correct the child, but do not punish him. On the other hand, if you look at gender-inappropriate behavior through your fingers or just blame him irregularly, the child has the false impression that everything is normal.

2. If you feel that you are putting too much pressure on your child, soften your requirements. Be patient. Praise even for small efforts. It's better demand less but consistently, the more, but irregularly.

3. If there is such an opportunity, work with a therapist which you trust. This specialist should share your views on the gender and goals of therapy, help you with an impartial assessment of your actions and advice.

4. Remember that your son or daughter will not feel safe, refusing cross-gender behavior, if there is no close person of their gender next to them who can serve as a positive role model for the correct gender identification. A child needs to have before his eyes an example of being a man or a woman — attractive and desirable.

I think that you will agree that significant success has been achieved in the life of each of the boys with typical gender problems whose stories are told above. Although it is necessary to continue to work on some areas, the parents whom I supervised before completing the therapy are going to continue to further the maturity of their sons.

In the next chapter, you will read about other children whose parents continued to work hard on their gender self-esteem. You will find out what they went through, how they confronted difficulties and what results they achieved.

Joseph Nicolosi, PhD, president of the American National Association for the Study and Therapy of Homosexuality (NARTH), clinical director of the Thomas Aquinas Psychological Clinic in Enchino, California. He is the author of the books Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality (Aronson, 1991) and Cases of Reparative Therapy: Aronson, 1993.

Linda Ames Nicolosi He is the director of publications at NARTH, has been working with his spouse on his print projects for over twenty years.

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