A guide to homosexuality self-therapy based on thirty years of therapeutic experience of an author who has worked with more than 300 homosexual clients.

I dedicate this book to women and men who are tormented by homosexual feelings, but do not want to live like gays and need constructive help and support.

Those who are forgotten, whose voice is hushed up, and who cannot find answers in our society, which recognizes the right to self-affirmation only for open gays.

Those who are discriminated against if they think or feel that the ideology of innate and immutable homosexuality is a sad lie, and this is not for them.

Introduction

This book is a guide to the therapy, or rather, self-therapy of homosexuality. It is intended for homosexually oriented people who would like to change their "state", but do not have the opportunity to contact a specialist who would understand the question correctly. There are really few such specialists. The main reason for this is that in universities this topic is bypassed or completely neglected, and if it is mentioned, then it is within the framework of the ideology of “normality”: homosexuality in this case is just an alternative norm of sexuality. Therefore, there are too few doctors, psychologists and therapists in the world who have at least basic knowledge in this area.

Independent work predominates in any form of homosexual treatment; however, this does not mean that a person can completely do without outside help. Any person who wishes to overcome their emotional problems needs an understanding and supportive mentor with whom they can speak openly, who can help them notice important aspects of their emotional life and motivations, as well as guide them in the struggle with themselves. Such a mentor does not have to be a professional therapist, although it is preferable that it be (provided that he has a sound view of sexuality and morality, otherwise he may do more harm than good). In some cases, this role can be played by a physician or shepherd with a balanced, healthy psyche and the ability to empathize. In the absence of such, an attentive and psychologically healthy friend or relative is recommended as a mentor.

In connection with the above, the book is intended, among other things, for therapists and all those who deal with homosexuals who want to change - because in order to be a mentor, they also need a basic knowledge of homosexuality.

The view on the understanding and (self) therapy of homosexuality offered to the reader in this work was the result of more than thirty years of research and treatment of more than three hundred clients, whom I have been personally familiar with for many years, as well as acquaintances with other homosexually oriented people. individuals (both “clinical” and “non-clinical”, that is, socially adapted). Regarding psychological testing, family relationships, relationships with parents and social adaptation in childhood, I recommend referring to two of my previous books, The Origin and Treatment of Homosexuality, 1986, (written for clinicians), to deepen understanding in these matters. Homosexuality and Hope, 1985

Goodwill, or desire to change

In the absence of firm determination, will, or “good will,” no change is possible. In most cases, in the presence of such an intention, the situation improves significantly, in some cases, deep internal changes of all neurotic emotionality occur, accompanied by a change in sexual preferences.

But who has it, is it a good desire to change? Most homosexuals, including those who openly proclaim themselves "gay," still have a desire to be normal - it is just that most often it is suppressed. However, very few really seek change with consistency and perseverance, and not just acting according to their mood. Even those who are determined to fight their homosexuality often have a secret indulgence in the background of seductive homosexual desires. Therefore, for the majority, good desire remains weak; in addition, it is seriously undermined by public calls to “accept your homosexuality”.

To maintain determination, it is necessary to develop in yourself such motivators as:

• a clear view of homosexuality as something unnatural;

• sound moral and / or religious beliefs;

• in the case of marriage - the desire to improve existing marital relations (mutual communication, etc. - what is significant in marriage besides sex).

Having a normal motivation is not the same as self-flagellation, self-hatred, or timidly agreeing with moral laws on the sole grounds that they are prescribed by society or religion. Rather, it means having a calm and firm feeling that homosexuality is incompatible with psychological maturity and / or moral purity, with attitudes of conscience and responsibility before God. Therefore, for a successful outcome of therapy, constant reinforcement of one's own determination to fight the homosexual side of one's personality is required.

The results

It is quite understandable that most of those who are looking for healing from homosexuality, and other interested persons want to know the "percentage of people healed". However, simple statistics are not enough to collect complete information for a balanced judgment. In my experience, 10 to 15 percent of those who start therapy achieve "radical" healing (30% stop therapy within a few months). This means that after years after the end of therapy, homosexual feelings do not return to them, they are comfortable in their heterosexuality - the changes only deepen this over time; finally, the third and indispensable criterion for "radical" change is that they are making great headway in terms of overall emotionality and maturity. The last aspect is critically important, because homosexuality is not just a “preference”, but a manifestation of a specific neurotic personality. For example, I have witnessed several cases of a surprisingly rapid and complete change of homosexual preferences to heterosexual in patients with previously hidden paranoia. These are cases of true "symptom substitution" that give us an understanding of the clinical fact that homosexuality is more than a functional disorder in the sexual sphere.

Most of those who regularly resort to the methods discussed here have real improvement after a few (on average from three to five) years of therapy. Their homosexual desires and fantasies weaken or disappear, heterosexuality manifests itself or is significantly enhanced, and the level of neurotization decreases. Some (but not all), however, periodically have relapses (due to stress, for example), and they return to their old homosexual fantasies; but, if they resume the struggle, it passes pretty soon.

This picture is much more optimistic than that which gay activists are trying to present to us, who are defending their interests in promoting the idea of ​​the irreversibility of homosexuality. On the other hand, achieving success is not as easy as some ex-gay enthusiasts sometimes claim. First of all, the process of change usually takes at least three to five years, despite all the progress made in a shorter time. Moreover, such changes require perseverance, readiness to be satisfied with small steps, small victories in everyday life instead of waiting for dramatically quick healing. The results of the change process do not disappoint when we realize that a person undergoing (self) therapy undergoes a restructuring or re-education of his unformed and immature personality. You also do not need to think that you should not even try to start therapy if its result is not the complete disappearance of all homosexual inclinations. Quite the contrary, a homosexual can only benefit from this process: the obsession with sex disappears in almost all cases, and he begins to feel happier and healthier with his new attitude and, of course, lifestyle. Between complete healing and, on the other hand, only small or temporary progress (in 20% of those who continued therapy) there is a large continuum of positive changes. In any case, even those who have made the least progress in improving their own condition usually significantly limit their homosexual contacts, which can be considered an acquisition both in the moral sense and in the sense of physical health, bearing in mind the AIDS epidemic. (Information on sexually transmitted diseases and the prospects for homosexuals is more than alarming).

In short, in the case of homosexuality, we are dealing with the same thing as in other neuroses: phobias, obsessions, depression or sexual anomalies. The most reasonable thing is to do something against this, despite the great expenditure of energy and the abandonment of pleasures and illusions. Many homosexuals actually know this, but because of their reluctance to see the obvious, they try to convince themselves that their orientation is normal, and become enraged when faced with a threat to their dream or escape from reality. They like to exaggerate the difficulties of treatment and, of course, remain blind to the benefits that even the smallest change for the better brings. But do people refuse therapy for rheumatoid arthritis or cancer, despite the fact that these therapies do not lead to the complete healing of all categories of patients?

The success of the ex-gay movement and other therapeutic approaches

In the growing ex-gay movement, one can meet an increasing number of those who have significantly improved their condition or even recovered. In their practice, these groups and organizations use a mixture of psychology and Christian principles and methods, paying particular attention to the issue of internal struggle. The Christian patient has an advantage in therapy, because faith in the undistorted Word of God gives him the right orientation in life, strengthens his will in opposing the dark side of his personality and striving for moral purity. Despite some inconsistencies, (for example, sometimes an overly enthusiastic and somewhat immature tendency to “testify” and expect an easy “miracle”), this Christian movement has something that we can learn (however, this lesson can be learned in private practice) . I mean that therapy of homosexuality must deal simultaneously with psychology, spirituality and morality - to a much greater extent than the therapy of a number of other neuroses. Applying spiritual efforts, a person learns to listen to the voice of conscience, which tells him about the incompatibility of the homosexual lifestyle both with the state of the real world in thoughts and with genuine religiosity. Too many homosexuals try their best to reconcile the irreconcilable and imagine that they can be believers and lead a homosexual lifestyle at the same time. The artificiality and deceitfulness of such aspirations are obvious: they end with a return to a homosexual lifestyle and the oblivion of Christianity, or - for the sake of lulling conscience - the creation of their own version of Christianity compatible with homosexuality. As for the therapy of homosexuality, the best results can be obtained by relying on the combination of spiritual and moral elements with the achievements of psychology.

I don’t want anyone to get the impression that I’m downplaying the value of other approaches and methods as they become familiar with my views on homosexuality and its therapy. It seems to me that modern psychological theories and therapies have far more similarities than differences. In particular, this concerns the view of homosexuality as a problem of gender identity - this is shared by almost everyone. Moreover, therapeutic methods in practice may differ much less than it seems if only textbooks are compared. They really overlap in many ways. And I have great respect for all my colleagues who work in this field, trying to solve the mysteries of homosexuality and help sufferers find their identity.

Here I propose what, in my opinion, is the best combination of various theories and ideas from which the most effective methods of self-therapy are born. The more accurate our observations and conclusions, the deeper our client will be able to understand himself, and this, in turn, directly affects how much he can improve his condition.

1. What is homosexuality

A brief psychological review

In order for the reader to form a clear idea of ​​what will be stated below, we first highlight the distinguishing features of our position.

1. Our approach is based on the concept of unconscious self-pity, and we consider this pity the first and basic element of homosexuality. The homosexual does not consciously choose self-pity; it, so to speak, exists on its own, generating and reinforcing his "masochistic" behavior. Actually, homosexual attraction, as well as feelings of gender inferiority, are in themselves a manifestation of this self-pity. This understanding coincides with the opinion and observations of Alfred Adler (1930, the inferiority complex and the desire for compensation as reparation of inferiority are described), the Austro-American psychoanalyst Edmund Bergler (1957, homosexuality is considered as "mental masochism") and the Dutch psychiatrist Johan Arndt (1961, the concept is presented compulsive self-pity).

2. Due to the presence of a gender inferiority complex, a homosexual remains largely a "child", a "teenager" - this phenomenon is known as infantilism. This Freudian concept was applied to homosexuality by Wilhelm Steckel (1922), which corresponds to the modern concept of the "inner child from the past" (American child psychiatrist Missldine, 1963, Harris, 1973, and others).

3. A certain parental attitude or the relationship between the child and the parent can lay a predisposition to the development of a homosexual inferiority complex; however, non-acceptance in a group of people of the same gender is much more important than a factor of predisposition. Traditional psychoanalysis reduces any disturbance in emotional development and neurosis to a disturbed relationship between a child and a parent. Without denying the enormous importance of the relationship between parent and child, we see, however, that the ultimate determining factor is the adolescent's gender self-esteem in comparison with his peers of the same sex. In this, we coincide with representatives of neo-psychoanalysis, such as Karen Horney (1950) and Johan Arndt (1961), as well as with self-esteem theorists, for example, Karl Rogers (1951) and others.

4. Fear of members of the opposite sex is frequent (psychoanalysts Ferenczi, 1914, 1950; Fenichel 1945), but not the main cause of homosexual inclinations. Rather, this fear speaks of symptoms of a feeling of gender inferiority, which, indeed, can be provoked by members of the opposite sex, whose sexual expectations the homosexual considers himself unable to meet.

5. Following homosexual desires leads to sexual addiction. Those who follow this path are faced with two problems: a complex of gender inferiority and independent sexual addiction (which is comparable to the situation of a neurotic who has problems with alcohol). The American psychiatrist Lawrence J. Hatterer (1980) wrote about this dual pleasure-addiction syndrome.

6. In (self-) therapy, the ability to make fun of oneself plays a special role. On the topic of self-irony, Adler wrote, on "hyperdramatization" - Arndt, the ideas of the behavioral therapist Stample (1967) about "implosion" and the Austrian psychiatrist Viktor Frankl (1975) about "paradoxical intention" are known.

7. And finally, since homosexual attractions originate in self-focus or the "egophilia" of an immature personality (this term was introduced by Murray, 1953), self / therapy focuses on the acquisition of such universal and moral qualities that eliminate this concentration and increase the ability to love others.

Abnormality

Obviously, the vast majority of people still believe that homosexuality, that is, sexual attraction to members of the same gender, combined with a significant weakening of heterosexual attraction, is abnormal. I say “still” because recently we have been faced with an active propaganda of “normality” by ignorant and engaged ideologues from politics and the social sphere who control the media, politics and a huge part of the academic world. Unlike the social elite, most of the common people have not yet lost their common sense, although they are forced to accept the social measures offered by emancipated homosexuals with their ideology of "equal rights". Ordinary people cannot help but see that something is wrong with those people who, being physiologically men and women, do not feel attracted to the natural objects of the sexual instinct. To the perplexed question of many, how is it possible that "educated people" can believe that homosexuality is normal, perhaps the best answer would be George Orwell's statement that there are things in the world "so stupid that only intellectuals can believe in them. " This phenomenon is not new: many well-known scientists in Germany in the 30s began to "believe" in the "correct" racist ideology. Herd instinct, weakness, and a morbid desire to "belong" makes them sacrifice independent judgment.

If a person is hungry, but at the level of feelings with horror rejects food, we say that he suffers from a disorder - anorexia. If someone does not feel compassion at the sight of those who suffer, or, worse, enjoys it, but at the same time becomes sentimental at the sight of an abandoned kitten, we recognize this as an emotional disorder, psychopathy. Etc. However, when an adult is not erotically aroused by members of the opposite sex, and at the same time obsessively searches for partners of the same sex, such a violation of the sexual instinct is considered "healthy." Maybe then pedophilia is normal, as its advocates already declare? And exhibitionism? Gerontophilia (attraction to the elderly in the absence of normal heterosexuality), fetishism (sexual arousal from the sight of a woman's shoe with indifference to the female body), voyeurism? I will leave aside the more bizarre but fortunately less common deviations.

Militant homosexuals try to push the idea of ​​their normality by posing as victims of discrimination, appealing to feelings of compassion, justice and an instinct to protect the weak, instead of convincing with rational evidence. This shows that they are aware of the logical weakness of their position, and they try to compensate for this with passionate, emotional preaching. Factual discussion with this type of people is almost impossible, because they refuse to reckon with any opinion that does not coincide with their idea of ​​normality. However, do they themselves believe this in the depths of their hearts?

Such "fighters" can succeed in creating a martyrdom for themselves - for example, their mothers often believe in this. In a German town, I saw a group of homosexual parents united to defend the "rights" of their sons. They were no less aggressive in their irrational reasoning than their sons. Some mothers acted as if someone was encroaching on the life of their beloved child, while it was simply a matter of recognizing homosexuality as a neurotic state.

The role of shortcuts

When a person identifies himself as a representative of a special type of humanity (“I am homosexual,” “I am gay,” “I am lesbian”), he enters a dangerous path from a psychological point of view - as if he is essentially different from heterosexuals. Yes, after years of struggle and anxiety, this may bring some relief, but at the same time it is a path that leads to defeat. A person who identifies as homosexual takes on the role of a complete outsider. This is the role of the tragic hero. A sober and realistic self-assessment would be exactly the opposite: “I have these fantasies and desires, but I refuse to admit that I am “gay” and behave accordingly.”

Of course, the role pays dividends: it helps to feel like oneself among other homosexuals, temporarily relieves the tension that arises from the need to resist homosexual attractions, gives emotional satisfaction from feeling like a special, misunderstood hero of a tragedy (no matter how unconscious it may be), - and, of course, it brings pleasure from sexual adventures. One former lesbian, recalling her discovery of the lesbian subculture, says: “It was like I came home. I found my peer group (remember the childhood drama of a homosexual from feeling like an outsider). Looking back, I see how wretched we were — a group of people who were not adapted to life, who finally found their niche in this life ”(Howard 1991, 117).

However, the coin has a downside. On this path, never achieve real happiness, nor inner peace. Anxiety and a feeling of inner emptiness will only increase. And what about alarming and persistent calls of conscience? And all because a person identified himself with a false "I", entering into a homosexual "way of life." A seductive dream over time turns into a terrible illusion: “being homosexual” means living a fake life, away from your true identity.

Homosexual propaganda actively encourages people to define themselves through homosexuality, repeating that people are “just” homosexual. However, homosexual interests rarely turn out to be permanent and unchanging (if at all). Periods of homosexual drives alternate with periods of more or less pronounced heterosexuality. Of course, many adolescents and young people who did not cultivate a “homosexual image,” saved themselves in this way from developing a homosexual orientation. On the other hand, self-name reinforces homosexual tendencies, especially at the very beginning, when a person especially needs to develop his heterosexual part. We must understand that about half of gay men can be considered bisexual, and among lesbians this percentage is even higher.

2. Causes of homosexuality

Is homosexuality really related to genes and the special structure of the brain?

The word "hormones" was not included in the title of this paragraph, because attempts to search for the hormonal basis of homosexuality have basically been stopped (they have not yielded any result - except that the East German researcher Dorner found some correlation in rats, but this has little to do with human sexuality, and indeed the experiments themselves were not entirely statistically correct). There seems to be no reason to continue to support the hormonal theory.

However, we must note that advocates of homosexuality have been trying for decades to seize on any occasion for the sake of proving hormonal theory, however vague it may be. They tried to give the impression that “science had proved” the normality of homosexuality, and those who disagree with this supposedly rely on empty theories.

Today, little has changed in this regard; perhaps only some highly questionable findings in the brains of deceased homosexuals, or assumptions about gender-specific chromosomes, now serve as “scientific evidence”.

But if a certain biological factor was discovered that is directly related to homosexuality, then it would not be able to become an argument in favor of the normality of this orientation. After all, some biological feature does not have to be the cause of homosexuality; with equal success it can be its consequence. But still, the presence of such a factor is more likely from the sphere of fantasy than facts. Today it is obvious that the reasons here are not related to physiology or biology.

Recently, two studies have been published that suggested the existence of a “biological hereditary cause”. Hamer et al. (1993) examined a sample of homosexual men who had homosexual brothers. He found in 2 / 3 of them signs of similarity of a small part of the X chromosome (inherited from the mother).

Does this discover the gene for homosexuality? No way! According to the general opinion of geneticists, before genetic correspondence can be established, repeated repetition of these results is required. Similar “discoveries” of the gene for schizophrenia, manic-depressive psychosis, alcoholism and even crime (!) Quietly and peacefully disappeared due to the lack of subsequent evidence.

In addition, Hamer's study is unrepresentative: it concerns a small segment of the male population of homosexuals, whose brothers were also homosexuals (no more than 10% of all homosexuals), and was not fully confirmed, but only in 2/3, i.e., no more than 6% of all homosexuals. “No more”, because only open homosexuals who also had homosexual brothers were represented in the study group (since it was collected only through ads in pro-homosexual publications).

If this study were to be confirmed, it would not by itself prove a genetic cause for homosexuality. A closer examination would reveal that a gene can influence any qualities, for example, traits of physical similarity to the mother, temperament, or, for example, a tendency to anxiety, etc. It could be assumed that certain mothers or fathers raised sons with such traits in a less masculine environment, or that boys with such a gene were prone to maladjustment in a peer group of the same gender (if, for example, the gene was associated with fear). Thus, the gene itself cannot be determinative. It is unlikely that it could be associated with sexuality as such, because homosexuals (or a small number of them with this gene) would have specific hormonal and / or brain characteristics, which have never been discovered.

William Byne (1994) raises another interesting question. The similarity between homosexual sons and their mothers in the molecular sequence of the studied X chromosome, he notes, does not indicate the same gene that is the same for all these men, since it was not revealed that in all cases the same molecular sequence. (One pair of brothers had the same eye color as their mother; another had the shape of their nose, etc.)

So, the existence of the homosexuality gene is implausible for two reasons: 1) in the families of homosexuals, Mendel’s heredity factor was not found; 2) the results of the examination of the twins are more consistent with the theory of the external environment than with genetic explanations.

Let us explain the second. Curious things came to light here. Back in 1952, Kallmann reported that, according to his research, 100% of identical twins, one of whom was homosexual, had his twin brother also homosexual. In fraternal twins, only 11% of brothers were both homosexuals. But, as it turned out later, Kallmann's research turned out to be biased and unrepresentative, and it soon became obvious that there are many heterosexuals among identical twins. For example, Bailey and Pillard (1991) found homosexual coincidence in only 52% of identical male twins and 22% of fraternal twins, while homosexual siblings were found in 9% of homosexual non-twins, and 11% had homosexual adoptive brothers! In this case, firstly, the genetic factor related to homosexuality could be decisive only in half of the cases, so it is hardly the decisive cause. Second: the differences between fraternal twins, on the one hand, and homosexuals and their brothers (including adoptive ones), on the other (22%, 9% and 11%, respectively), point to non-genetic reasons, since fraternal twins also differ greatly like any other relatives. Thus, the explanation for the observed relationship should be sought not in genetics, but in psychology.

There are other objections, for example, other studies show a lower homosexual match in identical twins, and samples of most studies are not representative of the entire homosexual population.

But back to Hamer's study: it’s too early to draw any conclusions from him about the presence of a genetic factor, because, among other things, we don’t know whether this theoretical “gene” will be present in heterosexual homosexual brothers and in the heterosexual population. The most fatal critique for this study was voiced by Rish, who investigated the Hamer sampling technique. According to Rish, Hamer's statistical results did not give the right to draw conclusions drawn by Hamer (Rish et al. 1993).

Despite the fact that Hamer himself said that his research “suggests” genetic influence, he nevertheless claims the “likelihood of external causes” of homosexuality (Hamer et al. 1993). The problem is that such "assumptions" are declared as almost proven.

In 1991, another researcher, LeVey, reported in Science magazine that the center of a particular brain region (anterior hypothalamus) of several AIDS homosexuals was smaller than the center of the same brain region of those who died from the same heterosexual disease. In the scientific world, assumptions about the neurological basis of homosexuality began to be actively circulated.

But it is wrong to think so: many homosexuals and representatives of the control group have the same size of this area, so this factor is not the cause of homosexuality.

Further, LeVey’s assumption that this part of the brain is responsible for sexuality has been refuted; was criticized for his method of surgical experimentation (Byne and Parsons, 1993).

Furthermore. LeVey ruled out some homosexuals because of too much pathology in their brains: in fact, AIDS is known to alter brain anatomy and DNA structure. Meanwhile, Byne and Parsons, in their careful study of homosexuality and "biological" factors, note that the medical histories of homosexuals with AIDS differ from those of heterosexual drug addicts, who, on average, die faster than infected homosexuals and are more likely to be treated for other illnesses. - so that the difference in the size of this region of the brain may be associated with different treatment in the experimental and control groups. (From the fact that HIV changes the structure of DNA, by the way, it follows that in Hamer's study an alternative explanation is possible, linking the features of genes simply with the work of the virus).

But suppose that in some parts of the brain of homosexuals there really is a certain peculiarity. Should we then assume that in the brain of homosexual pedophiles there are also “own” areas? What about heterosexual pedophiles, masochists and sadists of different orientations, exhibitionists, voyeurs, homosexuals and heterosexual fetishists, transvestites, transsexuals, zoophiles, etc.?

The failure of the theory of the genetic origin of sexual orientation is confirmed by behavioral research. It is known, for example, that even in people with the wrong set of chromosomes, their sexual orientation depends on the sexual role in which they are brought up. And how does the fact that the reorientation of homosexuals is possible, which has been repeatedly confirmed in psychotherapy, fits with the genetic theory?

We cannot rule out the fact that certain brain structures are changed as a result of behavior. Why, then, LeVey, who at first correctly said that his results "do not allow drawing conclusions," elsewhere in his article again writes that they "assume" a biological basis for homosexuality (and naturally, this "assumption" was quickly picked up by the pro-homosexual media )? The fact is that LeVey is an open homosexual. The strategy of these “defenders” is to create the impression that “there are biological reasons, only we have not yet established them exactly - but there are already interesting / promising signs”. This strategy supports the ideology of innate homosexuality. It plays into the hands of pro-homosexual circles, because if politicians and legislators believe that science is on the way to prove the naturalness of homosexuality, this will easily be transferred into the legal field to secure the special rights of homosexuals. Science magazine, like other gay-friendly publications, tends to support the ideology of the normality of homosexuality. This can be felt in the way the editor describes the Hamer report: "apparently objective." "Of course, there is still a long way to go before obtaining a complete proof, but ..." The usual rhetoric of the defenders of this ideology. Commenting on Hamer's article in his letter, the famous French geneticist Professor Lejeune (1993) sharply stated that "if this study did not concern homosexuality, it would not even be accepted for publication due to highly controversial methodology and statistical unreasonableness."

It is a pity that only a few researchers know about the history of various biological “discoveries” in the field of the study of homosexuality. The fate of Steinach’s “discovery”, which long before the outbreak of World War II believed that he was able to demonstrate specific changes in the testicles of homosexual men, is memorable. At that time, many based their ideas on the biological reason outlined in his publications. Only many years later, it became apparent that its results were not confirmed.

And finally, the latest on Hamer's research. Scientific American Magazine (November 1995, p. 26) reports on a comprehensive study by J. Ebers, who was unable to find any connection between homosexuality and signaling chromosome genes.

It is regrettable that hasty publications, such as those discussed above, not only manipulate public opinion, but also confuse those people who are looking for the truth and do not want to live by their passion. Therefore, we will not succumb to deception.

Is homosexuality really “programmed” in the first years of life, and is this an irreversible process?

Homosexual infantilism usually begins in adolescence and is less associated with childhood. During these years, a certain emotional fixation of the homosexual takes place. However, it is wrong to say that sexual identity is already established in early childhood, as advocates of homosexuality, among others, often claim. This theory is used to justify the idea that is introduced to children in sex education classes: "There are probably some of you, and this is by nature, so live in harmony with this!" The early consolidation of sexual orientation is one of the favorite concepts in old psychoanalytic theories, which assert that by the age of three or four, basic personality traits are formed, and once and for all.

A homosexual, hearing this, will decide that his inclinations were formed already in infancy, because his mother wanted a girl - and therefore he, a boy, rejected. In addition to the completely false premise (the infant's perception is primitive, he is not able to realize his own rejection based on gender), this theory sounds like a sentence of fate and reinforces self-dramatization.

If we rely on the recollections of the person himself, then we will obviously see that neurotization occurs during puberty.

However, in theories of early development, there is some truth. For example, it is likely that the mother lived dreams of her daughter and raised her son accordingly. Character and behavior are really formed during the first years of life, which cannot be said either about the development of homosexual inclinations, or about the establishment of a special complex of gender inferiority from which these inclinations originate.

The fact that sexual preferences are not fixed forever in early childhood can be illustrated by the discoveries of Gundlach and Riesz (1967): when studying a large group of lesbians who grew up in large families of five or more children, it was found that these women were much more likely to be younger children in family. This suggests that a decisive turn in homosexual development occurs no earlier than, say, five to seven years, and possibly later, because it is at this age that the first-born girl is in a position where her chances of becoming a lesbian either increase (if she has less five brothers and sisters), or decrease (if five or more younger brothers and sisters are born). Similarly, studies of men whose families had more than four brothers and sisters showed that, as a rule, the youngest children became homosexuals (Van Lennep et al. 1954).

Moreover, among especially feminine boys (most at risk of becoming homosexual due to their predisposition to develop a male inferiority complex), more than 30 percent had no homosexual fantasies in their teens (Green 1985), while 20 percent fluctuated in their sexual preferences at this stage of development (Green 1987). Many homosexuals (not all, by the way), see signs of future homosexuality in their childhood (dressing in clothes of the opposite sex or games and activities typical for the opposite sex). However, this does not mean at all that these signs predetermine future homosexual orientation. They only indicate increased risk, but not inevitability.

Psychological factors of childhood

If an impartial researcher with no idea about the origins of homosexuality had to study this issue, he would eventually come to the conclusion that it is important to take into account the psychological factors of childhood - there are enough data for this. However, due to the widespread belief in the innate nature of homosexuality, many doubt that studying the development of the psyche during childhood can help in understanding homosexuality. Is it really possible to be born an ordinary man and at the same time grow up so feminine? And do not homosexuals themselves perceive their desires as a kind of innate instinct, as an expression of their "true self"? Do they find it unnatural to think that they might feel heterosexual?

But appearances are deceiving. First of all, a feminine man is not necessarily homosexual. Moreover, femininity is behavior acquired through learning. We usually do not realize to what extent certain behaviors, preferences and attitudes can be learned. This happens mainly through imitation. We can recognize the origin of the interlocutor by the melody of his speech, pronunciation, by his gestures and movements. You can also easily distinguish members of the same family by their general character traits, manners, their special humor, - in many behavioral aspects that are clearly not innate. Speaking about femininity, we can note that boys in the southern countries of Europe are raised mostly more "soft", one might say, more "feminine" than in the north. Nordic youths are annoyed when they see Spanish or Italian youths carefully combing their hair in the swimming pool, gazing in the mirror for a long time, wearing beads, etc. Likewise, the sons of workers are mostly stronger and stronger, "more courageous" than sons of people of intellectual work, musicians, or aristocrats, as it was before. The latter are an example of sophistication, read "femininity".

Will a boy grow up courageous, raised without a father by a mother who treated him like her “girlfriend”? Analysis shows that many feminine homosexuals had too much dependence on the mother when the father was physically or psychologically absent (for example, if the father is a weak man under the influence of his wife, or if he did not fulfill his role as a father in his relationship with his son).

The image of a mother destroying her son's manhood is multifaceted. This is an overly caring and overly protective mother who is too worried about her son's health. This is also the dominant mother, who imposed the role of a servant or best friend on her son. A sentimental or self-dramatizing mother who unconsciously sees in her son the daughter she would like to have (for example, after the death of her daughter, who was born before her son). A woman who became a mother in adulthood, because she could not have children when she was younger. A grandmother who is raising a boy whom his mother left behind, and she is confident that he needs protection. A young mother who takes her son more for a doll than for a living boy. A foster mother who treats her son as a helpless and loving child. Etc. As a rule, in the childhood of feminine homosexuals, such factors can be easily detected, so there is no need to resort to heredity to explain feminine behavior.

One noticeably feminine homosexual, who went with his mother in pets, while his brother was “father’s son,” told me that my mother always assigned him the role of her “servant,” a page boy. He styled her hair, helped to choose a dress in the store, etc. Since the world of men was more or less closed to him due to his father's lack of interest in him, the world of his mother and aunts became his usual world. That is why his instinct to imitate was directed towards adult women. For example, he found that he could imitate them in embroidery, which delighted them.

As a rule, the imitative instinct of a boy after three years of age spontaneously goes to male models: father, brothers, uncles, teachers, and during puberty, he chooses for himself new heroes from the world of men. In girls, this instinct is directed at female models. If we talk about the innate traits associated with sexuality, then this imitative instinct is suitable for this role. Nevertheless, some boys imitate the representatives of the opposite sex, and this is due to two factors: they are imposed the role of the opposite sex, and they are not attracted to imitation of the father, brothers and other men. The distortion of the natural direction of the imitative instinct is due to the fact that representatives of their gender are not attractive enough, while imitation of the opposite sex brings certain benefits.

In the case just described, the boy felt happy and protected thanks to the attention and admiration of his mother and aunts - in the absence, as it seemed to him, of a chance to enter the world of his brother and father. The features of a "mama's son" developed in him; he became obsequious, tried to please everyone, especially adult women; like his mother, he became sentimental, vulnerable and resentful, often cried, and reminded his aunts in the manner of speaking.

It is important to note that the femininity of such men resembles the manner of the "old lady"; and although this role is deeply rooted, it is just pseudo-femininity. We are faced not only with an escape from male behavior for fear of failure, but also with a form of an infantile search for attention, the pleasure of significant women expressing enthusiasm about this. This is most pronounced in transgender people and men who play female roles.

Injury and behavior habits

There is no doubt that the element of trauma plays a major role in the psychological formation of homosexuality (especially with regard to adaptation to members of the same sex, see below). The “page” that I just talked about, of course, remembered his thirst for the attention of his father, which, in his opinion, was received only by one brother. But his habits and interests cannot be explained only by the flight from the world of men. We often observe the interaction of two factors: the formation of a wrong habit and traumatization (a feeling of the inability of the existence of representatives of one's gender in the world). It is necessary to emphasize this factor of habit, in addition to the factor of frustration, because effective therapy should be aimed not only at correcting the neurotic consequences of trauma, but also at changing acquired habits that are not characteristic of gender. In addition, excessive attention to trauma can increase the tendency toward self-victimization of a homosexual person, and as a result, he will blame only the parent of his gender. But, for example, not one father is “guilty” of not paying enough attention to his son. Often homosexual fathers complain that their wives are such owners with respect to their sons that there is no room for themselves. Indeed, many homosexual parents have problems in marriage.

With regard to the feminine behavior of homosexual men and the masculine behavior of lesbians, clinical observations indicate that many of them were raised in roles that are somewhat different from those of other children of the same sex. The fact that they later begin to adhere to this role is often a direct consequence of the lack of approval from the parent of the same gender. The common attitude of many (but not all!) Gay male mothers is that they do not see their sons as “real men” - and do not treat them as such. Also, some lesbian fathers, albeit to a lesser extent, do not see their daughters as "real girls" and treat them not as such, but more as their best friend or as their son.

It should be noted that the role of the parent of the opposite sex is no less important than that of the parent of the same gender. Many homosexual men, for example, have had overprotective, anxious, anxious, dominant mothers, or mothers who admire and pamper them too much. Her son is a “good boy,” “an obedient boy,” a “well-behaved boy,” and very often a boy who is retarded in psychological development and remains a “child” for too long. In the future, such a homosexual man remains a "mother's son." But the dominant mother, who nevertheless sees in her boy a "real man" and wants to make a man out of him, will never raise a "mama's son." The same applies to the relationship between father and daughter. The dominant (overly protective, anxious, etc.) mother, who does not know how to make a man out of a boy, involuntarily contributes to the distortion of his psychological formation. Often she simply does not imagine how to make a man out of a boy, without having a positive example in her own family for this. She seeks to make him a boy who behaves well, or to tie him to herself if she is lonely and defenseless (like one mother who took her son to bed with her until the age of twelve).

In short, the study of homosexuality shows the importance of ensuring that parents have sound ideas about masculinity and femininity. In most cases, however, the combination of views of both parents sets the stage for the development of homosexuality (van den Aardweg, 1984).

One might ask, can the feminine traits of a homosexual man and the masculine lesbians be prerequisites for the emergence of homosexuality? In most cases, pre-homosexual boys are indeed more or less feminine. Also, most (but not all) pre-homosexual girls have more or less pronounced masculine features. However, neither this "femininity" nor this "masculinity" can be called defining. The thing, as we will see later, is the child’s self-perception. Even in cases of persistent feminine behavior in boys, called “boy-boy syndrome,” only 2 / 3 children developed homosexual fantasies for puberty, and some freed from visible femininity, becoming adults (Green, 1985, 1987). By the way, this result coincides with the idea that in most cases homosexual fixation occurs both during the period preceding puberty and during it, but not in early childhood.

Atypical cases

Despite the fact that a common childhood experience for many homosexuals was a bad relationship with a parent of their gender, which was often accompanied by an unhealthy relationship with a parent of the opposite sex (especially among gay men), this can in no way be called a common phenomenon. Some homosexual men had a good relationship with their fathers, they felt that they were loved and appreciated; just like some lesbians had a good relationship with their mothers (Howard, 1991, 83). But even such unconditionally positive relationships can play a role in the development of homosexuality.

For example, a young homosexual, slightly feminine in manners, was brought up by a loving and understanding father. He recalls rushing home after school, where he felt constrained and could not communicate with peers (the decisive factor!). “Home” for him was a place where he could be not with his mother, as one might expect, but with his father, with whom he walked in pets and with whom he felt safe. His father was not a weak type we already knew, with whom he would not like to "identify" himself - quite the opposite. It was his mother who was weak and timid and did not play a significant role in his childhood. His father was courageous and determined, and he adored him. The decisive factor in their relationship was that his father assigned him the role of a girl and a sissy, unable to protect himself in this world. His father controlled him in a friendly manner, so they were really close. The father's attitude towards him created in him, or contributed to the creation, of such an attitude towards himself, in which he saw himself as defenseless and helpless, and not courageous and strong. As an adult, he still turned to his father's friends for support. However, his erotic interests focused on young men rather than adult, paternal, types of men.

Another example. A completely manly-looking homosexual for about forty-five years can not catch the cause of the problem in his childhood relationships with his father. His father was always his friend, a trainer in sports and a good example of masculinity in work and public relations. Why then did he not "identify" himself with the masculinity of his father? The whole problem is in the mother. She was a proud woman, never satisfied with her husband’s social status. More educated and coming from a higher social stratum than he (he was a worker), she often humiliated him with her harsh statements and insulting jokes. The son was constantly sorry for his father. He identified with him, but not with his behavior, because his mother taught him to be different. Being his mother’s favorite, he had to make up for her disappointment in her husband. It never encouraged masculine qualities, except for those that help to achieve recognition in society. He had to be refined and outstanding. Despite his healthy relationship with his father, he was always ashamed of his masculinity. I think that the mother’s contempt for the father and her disrespect for the role of the father and his authority became the main reason for the son’s lack of male pride.

This type of maternal relationship is seen as "castrating" the boy's masculinity, and we can agree with this - with the proviso that it does not mean the Freudian literal desire of a mother to cut off the penis of her snake or son. Likewise, a father who humiliates his wife in the presence of children destroys their respect for the woman as such. His disrespect for the female sex can be attributed to his daughter. With their negative attitudes towards women, fathers can instill in their daughters a negative attitude towards themselves and rejection of her own femininity. Likewise, mothers, with their negative attitude towards the male role of a husband or towards men in general, can provoke in their sons a negative view of their own masculinity.

There are homosexually-oriented men who, as a child, felt paternal love, but lacked paternal protection. One father, faced with the difficulties of life, sought support from his son, which was perceived as a heavy burden, since he himself needed support from a strong father. Parents and children change places in such cases, as in the case of those lesbians who in childhood were forced to play the role of mother for their mothers. In such relationships, the girl feels that she lacks maternal participation in her own normal problems and the reinforcement of her feminine self-confidence, which is so important during puberty.

Other factors: peer relationships

We have convincing statistics on the relationship in childhood of homosexuals with their parents. It has been repeatedly proven that, in addition to an unhealthy relationship with the mother, homosexual men had a bad relationship with their father, and lesbians had a worse relationship with their mother than heterosexual women or heterosexual neurasthenics. At the same time, it must be remembered that parental and educational factors are only preparatory, conducive, but not decisive. The ultimate root cause of homosexuality in men is not pathological attachment to the mother or rejection by the father, no matter how frequent the evidence of such situations in studies of childhood patients. Lesbianism is not a direct result of feelings of rejection by the mother, despite the frequency of this factor in childhood. (This is easy to see if you think about the many heterosexual adults who, in childhood, also experienced rejection by their parent of the same gender or were even abandoned by him. Among criminals and juvenile delinquents, you can find many who have suffered from similar situations, as well as among heterosexual neurotics.)

Thus, homosexuality is not associated with the relationship of the child and the father or the child and the mother, but with the relationship with peers. (For statistical tables and reviews see van den Aardweg, 1986, 78, 80; Nicolosi, 1991, 63). Unfortunately, the influence of the traditional approach in psychoanalyst with its almost exclusive interest in the relationship between parents and the child is still so great that only a few theorists take this objective data seriously enough.

In turn, peer relationships can significantly affect a factor of paramount importance: the adolescent's vision of his own masculinity or femininity. A girl's self-perception, for example, in addition to factors such as insecurity in her relationship with her mother, excessive or insufficient attention from her father, can also be influenced by peer ridicule, feelings of humiliation in relations with relatives, clumsiness, “ugliness” - that is, self-opinion as ugly and unattractive in the eyes of boys during puberty, or comparison by family members with the opposite sex ("you are all in your uncle"). Such negative experiences can lead to a complex, which is discussed below.

Male / female inferiority complex

“The American View of Masculinity! There are only a couple of things under heaven that are more difficult to understand, or, when I was younger, more difficult to forgive. " With these words, black homosexual and writer James Baldwin (1985, 678) expressed feelings of dissatisfaction with himself because he perceived himself as a failure due to lack of masculinity. He despised what he could not understand. I felt like a victim of this violent masculinity, an outcast - inferior, in a word. His perception of "American masculinity" was distorted by this frustration. Of course, there are exaggerated forms - macho behavior or "cruelty" among criminals - that can be perceived as real "masculinity" by immature people. But there are also healthy masculine courage, and skill in sports, and competitiveness, endurance - qualities that are opposite to weakness, indulgence towards oneself, the manners of the "old lady" or effeminacy. As a teenager, Baldwin felt a lack of these positive aspects of masculinity with peers, perhaps in high school, during puberty:

“I was literally a target for ridicule ... My education and small stature acted against me. And I suffered. " He was teased with "insect eyes" and "girl", but he did not know how to stand up for himself. His father could not support him, being himself a weak person. Baldwin was raised by his mother and grandmother, and there was no male element in the life of this foster child. His sense of distance from the world of men was intensified when he learned that his father was not his own. His perception of life could be expressed in the words: "All the guys, more courageous than me, are against me." His nickname "baba" just speaks about this: not that he was really a girl, but a fake man, an inferior man. This is almost a synonym for the word "weakling", whiny, like a girl, who does not fight, but runs away. Baldwin could blame "American" masculinity for these experiences, but homosexuals around the world criticize the masculinity of the cultures in which they live because they invariably feel inferior in this regard. For the same reason, lesbians despise what they, through negative experience, distortly see as “prescribed femininity”: “dresses, the need to be interested only in everyday household chores, to be a pretty, sweet girl,” as one Dutch lesbian put it. Feeling less masculine or less feminine than others is a specific inferiority complex for homosexually oriented people.

As a matter of fact, pre-homosexual teenagers not only feel “different” (read: “inferior”), but they also often behave less courageously (feminine) than their peers and have interests that are not quite typical for their gender. Their habits or personality traits are atypical due to upbringing or relationships with parents. It has been repeatedly shown that the underdevelopment of masculine qualities in childhood and adolescence, expressed in the fear of physical injury, indecision, unwillingness to take part in the favorite games of all boys (football in Europe and Latin America, baseball in the USA) is the first and most important fact. which is associated with male homosexuality. Lesbian interests are less “female” than other girls (see statistics by van den Aardweg, 1986). Hockenberry and Billingham (1987) correctly concluded that "it is the absence of masculine qualities, and not the presence of feminine ones, that most of all influences the formation of the future homosexual (man)." A boy in whose life his father was barely present, and his maternal influence was too strong, cannot develop masculinity. This rule, with some variations, is effective in the life of most homosexual men. It is characteristic that in childhood they never dreamed of being policemen, did not participate in boyish games, did not imagine themselves to be famous athletes, were not fond of adventure stories, etc. (Hockenberry and Billingham, 1987). As a result, they felt their own inferiority among peers. Lesbians in childhood felt the typical inferiority of their femininity. This is also facilitated by the feeling of one's own ugliness, which is understandable. In the period preceding puberty, and during the period itself, the adolescent forms an idea of ​​himself, of his position among peers - do I belong to them? Comparing himself with others more than anything else determines his idea of ​​gender qualities. One young homosexually oriented person boasted that he had never experienced a sense of inferiority, that his perception of life was always joyful. The only thing that, in his opinion, worried him - was the rejection of his orientation by society. After some self-reflection, he confirmed that he lived a carefree life in childhood and felt safe with both parents (who overly cared for him), but only before the onset of puberty. He had three friends with whom he had been friends since childhood. As he grew older, he felt himself more and more separated from them, because they were increasingly drawn to each other than to him. Their interests developed in the direction of aggressive sports, their conversations were about "masculine" topics - girls and sports, and he could not keep up with them. He strove to be reckoned with, playing the role of a merry fellow, able to make anyone laugh, just to draw attention to himself.

This is where the main thing lies: he felt terribly unmanly in the company of his friends. At home he was safe, he was raised as a "quiet" boy with "exemplary behavior", his mother was always proud of his good manners. He never argued; "You must always keep the peace" was his mother's favorite advice. He later realized that she was extremely afraid of conflict. The atmosphere in which his peacefulness and gentleness was formed was too “friendly” and did not allow negative personal feelings to manifest.

Another homosexual grew up with a mother who hated everything that seemed "aggressive" to her. She did not allow him "aggressive" toys such as soldiers, military vehicles or tanks; attached special importance to the various dangers that allegedly accompanied him everywhere; had a somewhat hysterical ideal of nonviolent religiosity. Not surprisingly, the son of this poor, restless woman himself grew up sentimental, dependent, fearful and a little hysterical. He was deprived of contact with other boys, and he could only communicate with one or two shy comrades, the same outsiders as himself. Without going deep into the analysis of his homosexual desires, we note that he began to be attracted by the "dangerous but delightful world" of the military, whom he often saw leaving the nearby barracks. These were strong men who lived in an unfamiliar, mesmerizing world. The fact that he was fascinated by them speaks, among other things, of his highly normal male instincts. Every boy wants to be a man, every girl wants to be a woman, and this is so important that when they feel their own unfitness in this most important area of ​​life, they begin to idolize someone else's masculinity and femininity.

To be clear, we will distinguish two separate stages in the development of homosexual feelings. The first is the formation of “cross-gender” habits in interests and behavior, the second is a complex of male / female inferiority (or a complex of gender inferiority), which may, but not necessarily, arise on the basis of these habits. After all, be that as it may, there are effeminate boys and masculine girls who never become homosexual.

Further, the male / female inferiority complex usually does not form completely, either before or during puberty. A child may exhibit cross-gender characteristics even in the lower grades of school, and, recalling this, a homosexual may interpret this as proof that he has always been that way - however, this impression is wrong. It is impossible to talk about "homosexuality" until the face reveals a stable perception of one's own inadequacy as a man or woman (boy or girl), combined with self-dramatization (see below) and homoerotic fantasies. The form crystallizes during puberty, less often before. It is in adolescence that many go through the life-changing watershed in theories of cognitive development. Before adolescence, as many homosexuals testify, life seems simple and happy. Then the inner firmament is covered with clouds for a long time.

Pre-homosexual boys are often too homely, soft, fearful, weak, while pre-homosexual girls are aggressive, dominant, “wild” or independent. Once these children reach puberty, these qualities, largely due to the role they were taught (for example, "she looks like a boy"), subsequently contribute to the development of gender inferiority in them when they compare themselves to other adolescents of the same gender. At the same time, a boy who does not feel masculinity in himself does not identify with her, and a girl who does not feel her femininity does not dare to identify herself with her feminine nature. A person tries to avoid what he feels inferior in. However, it cannot be said about a teenage girl who does not like to play with dolls or generally avoid female roles, that she has a predisposition to lesbianism. Who wants to convince young people that their homosexual fate is a foregone conclusion, poses a mortal danger to their minds and commits a great injustice!

To complete the picture of the factors provoking the development of a gender inferiority complex, we note that comparing oneself with relatives of the same sex can play an important role in this. In such cases, the boy is the "girl" among her brothers, and the girl is the "boy" among the sisters. Moreover, the opinion of yourself as a freak is very common. The boy thinks that his face is too pretty or "girlish", or that he is frail, awkward, etc., just as the girl thinks that her figure is not feminine, that she is awkward, or her movements are not graceful, etc.

Self-dramatization and the formation of an inferiority complex

Homosexuality is not entirely true due to a violation or lack of relations with the parent of the same sex and / or excessive attachment to the parent of the opposite sex, regardless of the frequency of cases of a true relationship. Firstly, such relationships are often observed in the history of pedophiles and other sexual neurotics (Mor et al., 1964, 6i, 140). Moreover, many heterosexuals had the same relationship with their parents. Secondly, as noted above, cross-gender behavior and interests do not necessarily lead to homosexuality.

However, the gender inferiority complex can take many forms, and the fantasies generated by it can be directed not only to younger or older members of the same sex, but also to children of the same sex (homosexual pedophilia), and possibly to members of the opposite sex. A womanizer, for example, is a person who often suffers from one of the forms of a gender inferiority complex. The decisive factor for homosexuality is fantasy. And fantasies are shaped by self-perception, perceptions of others (according to their gender qualities), and random events such as defining social contacts and impressions of puberty. A gender inferiority complex is a stepping stone to multiple sexual fantasies generated by frustration.

Feeling the incompleteness of one's own masculinity or femininity compared to peers of the same gender is tantamount to a feeling of non-belonging. Many pre-homosexual boys felt they did not “belong” to their fathers, brothers, or other boys, and pre-homosexual girls felt they did not “belong” to their mothers, sisters, or other girls. Green's (1987) study can illustrate the importance of a sense of "belonging" to gender identity and sex-affirming behavior: of two identical twins, one becomes homosexual and the other heterosexual. The latter was named the same as their father.

Feelings of “non-belonging”, inferiority and loneliness are interconnected. The question is, how do these feelings lead to homosexual desires? To understand this, it is necessary to clarify the concept of "inferiority complex."

The child and adolescent automatically respond to feelings of inferiority and “non-belonging” with self-pity and self-dramatization. Internally, they perceive themselves as sad, pitiful, unhappy creatures. The word "self-dramatization" is correct, because it expresses the child's desire to see himself as the tragic center of the universe. “Nobody understands me”, “nobody loves me”, “everyone is against me”, “my life is suffering” - the young ego does not accept and cannot accept this sadness, does not understand its relativity or does not see it as something transient. The self-pity reaction is very strong and very easy to let loose because it has a somewhat calming effect, much like the empathy one gets from others in times of sadness. Self-pity warms, soothes, because there is something sweet in it. “There is something voluptuous about sobbing,” as the ancient poet Ovid said (“Sorrowful Elegies”). A child or adolescent who thinks of himself as “poor me” may become addicted to such behavior, especially when he runs away into himself and does not have anyone who with understanding, support and confidence would help him cope with his problems. Self-dramatization is especially typical in adolescence, when a teenager easily feels like a hero, special, unique even in suffering. If the addiction to self-pity continues, then a complex as such arises, that is, an inferiority complex. The habit of thinking "poor defective me" is fixed in the mind. It is this “poor self” that is present in the mind of someone who feels unmanly, unfeminine, lonely and “not belonging” to their peers.

At first, self-pity acts like a good medicine, but pretty soon begins to act like an enslaving drug. At this point, she unknowingly became a habit of self-comfort, a concentrated love of self. Emotional life has become essentially neurotic: dependent on self-pity. Due to the instinctive, strong egocentrism of a child or adolescent, this continues automatically until interference from someone who loves and strengthens from the outside world. Such an ego will forever remain wounded, poor, self-pitying, always childish. All the views, efforts and desires of the "child of the past" are consolidated in this "poor self."

The "complex" thus feeds on prolonged self-pity, an internal complaint about oneself. There is no complex without this infantile (teenage) self-pity. Feelings of inferiority may be temporary, but they will continue to live if self-pity is firmly rooted, and will often be as fresh and strong at fifteen as they were at five. “Complex” means that feelings of inferiority have become autonomous, recurrent, always active, more intense at one time and less at another. Psychologically, a person partially remains the same child or adolescent as he was, and ceases to grow up, or grows up with difficulty in areas where feelings of inferiority reign. For homosexuals, this is the domain of self-perception in terms of gender characteristics and gender-related behavior.

As carriers of an inferiority complex, homosexuals are unconsciously self-pitying “adolescents”. Complaining about one's mental or physical condition, about the bad attitude of other people towards oneself, about life, fate, and the environment is characteristic of many of them, as well as of those who play the role of an always happy person. As a rule, they themselves are not aware of their dependence on self-pity. They perceive their complaints as justified, but not as proceeding from the need to complain and feel sorry for themselves. This need for suffering and torment is unique. Psychologically, this is the so-called quasi-need, attachment to the pleasure of complaints and self-pity, playing a tragic role.

It is difficult for therapists and homosexual seekers to understand the central neurotic mechanism of complaint and self-pity. Most often, those who have heard about the concept of self-pity, consider the assumption somewhat unconscious that unconscious infantile self-pity can be so crucial for the development of homosexuality. What is usually remembered and agreed upon with such an explanation is the concept of “a sense of inferiority”, but not “self-pity”. The concept of the paramount importance of infantile self-pity for neurosis and homosexuality is really new; perhaps even weird at first glance. However, if you think about it well and compare it with personal observations, you can be convinced of its extreme usefulness for clarifying the situation.

3. Homosexual attraction

Search for love and intimacy

"Emotional hunger in communication with men," says Green (1987, 377), "further determines the search for male love and homosexual intimacy." Many modern researchers of the problem of homosexuality have come to this conclusion. This is true when you take into account the complex of male inferiority and self-pity. Indeed, the boy could painfully lack the respect and attention of his father, in other cases - his brother (s) or peers, which made him feel humiliated in relation to other boys. The resulting need for love is actually the need for belonging to the male world, for the recognition and friendship of those below whom he feels.

But, having understood this, we need to avoid the common prejudice. There is an opinion that people who have not received love in childhood and are psychologically traumatized by this are able to heal spiritual wounds by filling up a lack of love. Various therapeutic approaches are based on this premise. Not so simple.

First, it is not so much the objective lack of love that is of great importance, but the child's perception of it - and it is subjective by definition. Children can misinterpret the behavior of their parents, and, with their inherent tendency to dramatize everything, they can imagine that they are unwanted, and their parents are terrible, and all in the same spirit. Beware of taking the adolescent view of parenting as an objective judgment!

Moreover, the "emptiness of love" is not filled with a simple outpouring of love in them. And convinced that this is the solution to the problem, a teenager who feels lonely or humiliated imagines: “If I get the love that I miss so much, then I will finally be happy.” But, if we accept such a theory, we will miss one important psychological fact: the existence of a habit of pity for oneself. Before a teenager gets used to feeling sorry for himself, love can really help overcome his dissatisfaction. But as soon as the attitude of the “poor self” has taken root, his search for love is no longer a constructive and healing motivation, objectively aimed at restoring integrity. This search becomes part of a self-dramatic behavior: “I will never get the love that I want!” Desire is insatiable and his satisfaction is unattainable. The search for same-sex love is a thirst that will not be satisfied until its source dries up, an attitude towards oneself as a "self-unfortunate". Even Oscar Wilde lamented this way: "I was always looking for love, but I found only lovers." The mother of the lesbian who committed suicide said, “All her life, Helen has been looking for love,” but of course she never found it (Hanson 1965, 189). Why then? Because I was consumed with self-pity for the reason that they didn’t love her other women. In other words, she was a "tragic teenager." Homosexual love stories are essentially dramas. The more lovers, the less satisfaction the sufferer has.

This pseudo-recovery mechanism works in a similar way in other people seeking intimacy, and many neurotics are aware of this. For example, one young woman had several lovers, and for them all of them represented the figure of a caring father. It seemed to her that each of them treated her badly, because she constantly felt sorry for herself because she was not loved (her relationship with her father became the starting point for the development of her complex). How can intimacy heal one who is obsessed with the tragic idea of ​​his own “rejection”?

The search for love as a means of comforting mental pain can be passive and egocentric. The other person is perceived only as one who should love “me unhappy”. This is begging for love, not mature love. A homosexual may feel like he is attractive, loving and responsible, but in reality this is just a game to attract another. All this is essentially sentimentality and exorbitant narcissism.

Homosexual "love"

"Love" in this case must be put in quotation marks. Because it is not true love, like the love of a man and a woman (in its ideal development) or love in a normal friendship. In fact, this is teenage sentimentality - "puppy love", plus erotic passion.

Some particularly sensitive people may be offended by this bluntness, but it is true. Fortunately, some people find it helpful to face the truth for healing. So, upon hearing this, one young homosexual, for example, realized that he had a male inferiority complex. But when it came to his novels, he was not at all sure that he could live without these random episodes of "love" that made life complete. Perhaps this love was far from ideal, but…. I explained to him that his love is pure childishness, selfish self-indulgence, and therefore illusory. He was offended, more because he was rather arrogant and arrogant. However, a few months later he called me and said that although he was pissed at first, now he "swallowed" it. As a result, he felt relieved and, for several weeks now, has been internally free from the search for these egocentric connections.

One middle-aged homosexual, a Dutchman, talked about his lonely childhood, in which he had no friends, and he was an outcast among the boys because his father was a member of the Nazi party. (I met many cases of homosexuality among the children of the “traitors” of World War II.) Then he met a sensitive, understanding young priest and fell in love with him. This love became the most wonderful experience in his life: between them there was an almost perfect understanding; he experienced peace and happiness, but, alas, for one reason or another, their relationship could not go on. Such stories can convince naive people who want to show “care”: “So homosexual love still sometimes exists! " And why not approve of beautiful love, even if it does not coincide with our personal values? But let us not be deceived as this Dutchman deceived himself. He bathed in his sentimental youthful fantasies of the ideal friend he had always dreamed of. Feeling helpless, pitiful and yet - oh! - such a sensitive, wounded little boy, he finally found a person who cherishes him, whom he, in turn, adored and literally elevated to the rank of an idol. In this relationship, he was completely selfishly motivated; yes, he gave his friend money and did a lot for him, but then only to buy his love. His way of thinking was unmanly, beggarly, slavish.

A self-pitying teenager admires precisely those who, in his opinion, possess qualities that he himself lacks. As a rule, the focus of the inferiority complex in homosexuals is admiration for the qualities that they see in people of the same sex. If Leonardo da Vinci was attracted to street punks, we have reason to assume that he perceived himself to be too well-behaved and too well-mannered. The French novelist André Gide felt like a notorious Calvinist boy who was not supposed to hang out with more frisky children of his age. And this dissatisfaction gave rise to a stormy delight in reckless idlers and a passion for dissolute relations with them. The boy, who had a restless, non-aggressive mother, began to admire men of the military type, because he saw the complete opposite in himself. Most homosexual men are attracted to "courageous" young people of athletic build, upbeat and easy to meet people. And this is where their male inferiority complex is most obvious - effeminate men do not attract most homosexual men. The stronger a woman's lesbian feelings, the less she usually feels feminine and the more insistently she looks for feminine natures. Both partners of a homosexual “couple” - at least at first - are attracted to physical qualities or character traits of the other, associated with masculinity (femininity), which, as they think, they themselves do not possess. In other words, they see their partner's masculinity or femininity as being much “better” than their own, even though they both lack masculinity or femininity. The same thing happens with a person who has a different kind of inferiority complex: he respects those who, in his opinion, have such abilities or traits, the lack of which in himself makes him feel inferior, even if this feeling is objectively not justified. In addition, it is unlikely that a man who is desired for his masculinity, or a woman who is desired for her femininity, will ever become partners with a homosexual or lesbian, since these types are usually heterosexual.

The homosexual choice of an “ideal” (as far as it can be called a “choice”) is determined mainly by the fantasies of a teenager. As in the story of a boy who lived near military barracks and developed fantasies about the military, any chance can play a role in the formation of these idealization fantasies. The girl, who was humiliated by the fact that the boys at school laughed at her fullness and “provinciality” (she helped her father on the farm), began to admire a charming classmate with an elegant figure, blond hair and everything different from herself. This “girl from fantasy” has become the benchmark for her future lesbian quest. It is also true that the lack of close relations with her mother contributed to her formation of a sense of self-doubt, but the lesbian attraction as such was only awakened when she compared herself to that particular girl. It is doubtful that lesbian fantasies could arise or develop only if she really became friends with that girl; in fact, the friend of her dreams showed no interest in her. At puberty, girls are prone to feel gusts to other girls or teachers whom they adore. In this sense, lesbianism is nothing but the consolidation of these teenage impulses.

A teenager who feels humiliated eroticizes what he admires in the idealized types of his sex. The secret, exceptional, tender intimacy that would warm his poor lonely soul seems to him desirable. In puberty, they usually not only idealize the personality or type of personality, but also experience erotic feelings about this personality. The need for excitement from an idol (whose body and appearance are admired, often envious), can turn into a desire for lovemaking with him or her that gives rise to erotic dreams.

A feminine youth may, in his fantasies, become agitated by what he, in his immaturity, takes for symbols of masculinity: men in leather clothes, with a mustache, riding a motorcycle, etc. The sexuality of many homosexuals is focused on fetishes... They are obsessed with underwear, a large penis, etc., anything that indicates their puberty.

Let's say a few words about the theory that homosexuals are looking for their father (or mother) in their partners. I think that this is only partially true, that is, to what extent a partner is expected to have a paternal (or maternal) attitude towards themselves, if they subjectively lacked paternal or maternal love and recognition. However, even in these cases, the purpose of the search is friendship with a representative of your gender. In the fantasies of many, it is not so much the paternal / maternal element that is decisive as the childhood or youthful trauma associated with their age group.

Teenage erotization of idols of their gender is not unusual in itself. The important question is, why does it capture someone so much that it crowds out many, if not all, heterosexual drives? The answer, as we have already seen, lies in a deep teenage sense of humiliation in relation to peers of one's sex, a sense of “non-belonging” and self-pity. Heterosexuals have a similar phenomenon: it seems that girls who hysterically idolize male pop stars feel lonely and think that they are unattractive to young men. In people prone to homosexuality, the attraction to idols of their gender is stronger, the deeper their sense of their own hopeless "difference" from others.

Gay Sexual Addiction

A homosexual lives in a world of fantasies, above all sexual. A teenager is comforted by the lust of romantic dreams. Intimacy seems to him a means of satisfying pain, heaven itself. He longs for close relationships, and the longer he cherishes these fantasies in his closed inner world, or masturbates, immersed in these dreams, the more he enslaves them. This can be compared with the addiction to alcohol and the state of false happiness produced by him in neurotics or people with other disorders: a gradual departure into the unreal world of desired fantasies.

Frequent masturbation reinforces these love dreams. For many young homosexuals, masturbation becomes an obsession. In addition, this form of narcissism reduces interest in and satisfaction with real life. Like other addictions, it is a spiral staircase leading downward in search of ever greater sexual satisfaction. Over time, the desire to enter into an erotic relationship, fantasy or reality, overwhelms the mind. A person simply becomes obsessed with this, it seems as if his whole life revolves around the constant search for potential partners of the same gender and the intense consideration of each new candidate. If you look for some analogy in the world of addiction, this one is like a gold rush or an obsession with power, wealth for some neurotics.

"Irresistible" surprise, admiration for masculinity or femininity in people inclined to homosexuality, is the reason for resistance to abandoning their lifestyle and, accordingly, homosexual fantasies. On the one hand, they are unhappy with it all, on the other, they have a strong tendency to secretly cultivate these fantasies. For them to abandon homosexual lust is to part with everything that gives meaning to life. Neither public condemnation of homosexuality, nor the prosecution of homosexual contacts by law can compel people to abandon this lifestyle. According to the observations of the Dutch psychiatrist Janssens, expressed by him in 1939 at the congress on the problems of homosexuality, many homosexuals do not give up their pernicious passion, even at the cost of repeated imprisonment. The homosexual lifestyle is characterized by a desire for suffering; In a normal life, he will stubbornly prefer the risk of being imprisoned. The homosexual is a tragic sufferer, and the danger of punishment, perhaps, even increases his arousal from the search for homosexual relationships. Today, homosexuals often deliberately seek out HIV-infected partners, driven by the same passion for tragic self-destruction.

The basis of this sexual passion is its self-pity, the attraction to the tragedy of impossible love. For this reason, homosexuals in their sexual contacts are interested not so much in a partner as in the embodiment of fantasies about unfulfilled desires. They do not perceive the real partner as he is, and as he becomes recognized in reality, the neurotic attraction to him also fades away.

A few additional notes on same-sex sex and other addictions. Like alcohol or drug addiction, the gratification of same-sex sex (inside or outside the homosexual union, or through masturbation) is purely self-centered. Same-sex sex is not lovemaking, but, to call a spade a spade, it is essentially just an impersonal act, like copulating with a prostitute. “Informed” homosexuals often agree with this analysis. Self-centered lust does not fill the void, but only deepens it.

Moreover, it is well known that alcohol and drug addicts tend to lie to others and to themselves about their behavior. Sex addicts, including homosexuals, do the same. A married homosexual often lies to his wife; living in a homosexual union - to his partner; a homosexual who wants to overcome the desire for homosexual contacts - to his doctor and himself. There are several tragic stories of well-intentioned homosexuals who declared a break with their homosexual environment (due to religious conversion, for example), but gradually returned to this excruciating double lifestyle (including habitual deception). And this is understandable, since it is very difficult to remain firm and adamant in the decision to stop feeding this addiction. Desperate over such a setback, these unfortunates go all out, indulging in a free fall into the abyss of psychological and physical destruction, as happened to Oscar Wilde shortly after his conversion in prison. In an attempt to blame others for their weakness and ease their own consciences, they now rush to fiercely defend homosexuality and denounce their physicians or Christian counselors, whose views they previously shared and whose directions they followed.

4. Neuroticism of homosexuality

Homosexual relationship

There is no need for other evidence: the AIDS epidemic has shown with sufficient clarity that homosexuals, in their overwhelming majority, are much more promiscuous in sexual relations than heterosexuals. The tale of the strength of homosexual "unions" (with their slogan: "What is the difference between heterosexual marriage, other than the sex of the partner?") Is nothing more than propaganda aimed at obtaining privileges in legislation and recognition by Christian churches. Several years ago, Martin Dannecker (1978), a German sociologist and homosexual, openly admitted that “homosexuals have a different sexual nature,” that is, frequent partner changes are inherent in their sexuality. The concept of "lasting marriage," he wrote, was used in a strategy to create a favorable public opinion about homosexuality, but now "it is time to tear the veil." Perhaps somewhat reckless for such honesty, since the concept of “lasting marriage” still successfully serves the purposes of emancipation, for example, legalizing the adoption of children by homosexual couples. So, the topic of relationships is still covered with a veil of lies and suppression of unwanted facts. The German homosexual psychiatrist Hans Giese, famous in the 60s and early 70s, at every public discussion or forum on homosexuality did not miss the opportunity to instill the idea of ​​a "strong and lasting partnership", an example of which, allegedly, was his own life. But when he committed suicide after breaking up with another lover, the media successfully passed over this fact in silence, since he spoke just against the "theory of fidelity." Similarly, in the 60s, the tragic image of the Belgian "singing nun" Sister Surier appeared on the stage. Leaving the monastery for the sake of lesbian "love", she proved to everyone her resilience and compliance with religious norms. Several years later, she and her mistress were found dead, as they say, as a result of suicide (if this version is reliable; however, the scene of the tragedy was a scene of a romantic "death in the name of love").

Two homosexual emancipators - psychologist David McWerter and psychiatrist Andrew Mattison (1984) - studied 156 of the most resilient male homosexual couples. Their conclusion: "Although most homosexual couples enter into relationships with an explicit or implicit intent to maintain sexual unity, only seven couples in this study remained completely sexually monogamous." That's 4 percent. But look at what it means to be “totally sexually monogamous”: these men said they had no other partners during less than five year period. Pay attention to the distorted language of the authors: the expression "observance of sexual unity" is morally neutral and serves as a miserable replacement for "fidelity." As for those 4 percent, we can accurately predict with respect to them that even if they did not lie, their “permanent” relationship fell apart a short time later. Because such is the immutable law. Homosexual anxiety cannot be appeased: one partner is too few because homosexuals are constantly driven by an insatiable thirst for meeting unreachable friend from their fantasies. In essence, a homosexual is a greedy, eternally hungry child.

The term "neurotic»Describes such relationships well, emphasizing their egocentrism: incessant search for attention; constant tension due to repeated complaints: “You don't love me”; jealousy with suspicion: "You are more interested in someone else." In short, "neurotic relationships" involve all kinds of dramas and childhood conflicts, as well as a basic lack of interest in a partner, not to mention untenable claims of "love." The homosexual is not so deceived in anything else as in portraying himself as a loving partner. One partner needs another only to the extent that it meets his needs. Real, unselfish love for a desired partner would actually lead to the destruction of homosexual "love"! Homosexual "unions" are dependent relationships of two "poor selves", highly absorbed only by themselves.

Propensity for self-destruction and dysfunction

The fact that dissatisfaction is at the heart of the homosexual lifestyle follows from the high suicide rate among "self-proclaimed" homosexuals. Time after time the gay lobby plays the tragedy of "conflicts of conscience" and "mental crisis" into which homosexuals are allegedly plunged by those who declare homosexuality immoral and neurotic. That way, the poor, you can bring them to suicide! I am aware of one case of suicide that militant Dutch homosexuals called a "conflict of conscience" caused by homosexuality, which was then loudly trumpeted in the media. This tragic story was told to the world by a friend of the deceased, who wished to take revenge on one influential priest who insulted him with his impartial remark about homosexuality. In fact, his unfortunate friend was not homosexual at all. Homosexuals who allegedly overcame the "imposed" conflicts of conscience, take their own lives much more often than heterosexuals of the same age. A 1978 study by Bell and Weinberg of a large group of homosexuals found that 20% of them attempted suicide, from 52% to 88% for reasons unrelated to homosexuality. Homosexuals may seek or provoke situations in which they feel like tragic heroes. Their suicidal fantasies sometimes take the form of dramatic "protests" against the world around them in order to show how they are misunderstood and mistreated. Subconsciously, they want to bathe in self-pity. This was what motivated Tchaikovsky's strange behavior when he deliberately drank the dirty water from the Neva, which led to a fatal illness. Like the neurotic romantics of the last century who drowned themselves in the Rhine, throwing themselves into it from the Lorelei cliff, homosexuals of our day can deliberately seek HIV-infected partners in order to guarantee themselves tragedy. One gay man proudly declared that he deliberately contracted AIDS in order to show "solidarity" with several friends who died of the disease. The secular "canonization" of homosexuals who have died of AIDS contributes to this voluntary martyrdom.

Sexual dysfunctions also indicate neurotic dissatisfaction. A study by MacWerter and Mattison found 43% of homosexual couples with impotence. Another symptom of neurotic sex is compulsive masturbation. In the same study group, 60% resorted to masturbation 2-3 times a week (in addition to sexual intercourse). Many sexual perversions are also characteristic of homosexuals, especially masochism and sadism; not an exception and extremely infantile sexuality (eg, obsession with lingerie, urinal and fecal sex).

Remaining teens: infantilism

Internally, a homosexual is a child (or teenager). This phenomenon is known as the “internal complaining child”. Some emotionally remain adolescents in almost all areas of behavior; for the majority, depending on the place and circumstances, the “child” alternates with the adult.

For an adult homosexual, the demeanor, feelings and way of thinking of a teenager who feels belittled are typical. He remains - in part - a defenseless, unhappy loner, as he was in puberty: a shy, nervous, clingy, "abandoned", quarrelsome boy who feels rejected by his father and peers because of his unattractive appearance (squint, cleft lip, small stature: what, in his opinion, is incompatible with male beauty); spoiled, narcissistic boy; effeminate, arrogant, conceited boy; an unceremonious, demanding, but cowardly boy, etc. Everything inherent in the individual characteristics of a boy (or girl) is fully preserved. This explains the behavioral characteristics, such as childhood talkativeness in some homosexuals, weakness, naivety, narcissistic body care, manner of speaking, etc. A lesbian can remain an easily injured, rebellious girl; tomboy; commanders with a manner of imitating masculine self-confidence; the eternally offended, sullen girl, whose mother “never took an interest in her,” and so on. A teenager inside an adult. And all adolescence is still there: a vision of yourself, your parents and other people.

As already mentioned, the most common self-perception is the offended, rejected, "poor me". Hence the resentment of homosexuals; they “collect injustices,” as psychiatrist Bergler so well put it, and tend to see themselves as victims. This explains the undisguised self-drama of their activists, who deftly exploit their neuroses to gain public support. Accustomed to self-pity, they become internal (or open) complainers, often chronic complainants. Self-pity is not far from protest. For many homosexuals, internal (or open) rebelliousness and hostility towards offenders and "society" and determined cynicism are typical.

All this has a direct bearing on the difficulties in love of a homosexual. His complex directs his attention to himself; like a child, he seeks attention, love, recognition and admiration for him. His focus on himself interferes with his ability to love, be interested in others, take responsibility for others, give and serve (keep in mind that sometimes service can be a means of attracting attention and self-affirmation). But "Is it possible ... for a child to grow up if he is unloved?" Asks the writer Baldwin (Siering 1988, 16). However, posing the problem in this way only confuses matters. For while a boy who longed for his father's love might indeed be healed if he had found a loving person to replace his father, his immaturity is nevertheless the result of self-consoling reactions to an imaginary lack of love, and not a consequence of a lack of love as such. A teenager who has learned to accept his suffering, forgiving those who offended him - often not knowing about it, in suffering does not resort to self-pity and protest, and in this case suffering makes him more mature. Since a person is egocentric by nature, this emotional development usually does not happen on its own, but there are exceptions, especially when an emotionally disturbed teenager has a substitute for a parent who can support him in this area. Baldwin, convinced of the impossibility of growing up a child who is not loved - in all likelihood, he talks about himself - is too fatalistic and overlooks the fact that even a child (and certainly a young man) has some freedom and can learn to love. Many neurotics adhere to such self-dramatized behavior "never loved by anyone" and constantly demand love and compensation from others - from spouses, friends, children, from society. The stories of many neurotic criminals are similar. They may have really suffered from a lack of love in their families, even abandoned, abused; however, their desire to avenge themselves, their lack of pity for the world that was so cruel to them, are no more than selfish reactions to a lack of love. The self-centered young man runs the risk of becoming an incorrigible self-lover who hates others, himself being the victim of self-pity. Baldwin is only right as far as his homosexual feelings are concerned, since they do not mean true love, but only a narcissistic thirst for warmth and envy.

The “inner child” looks through the glasses of his gender inferiority complex at representatives of not only his own sex, but also the opposite. “Half of humanity - female - did not exist for me until recently,” admitted one homosexual. In women, he saw the image of a caring mother, as sometimes married homosexuals, or rivals in the hunt for male attention. Intimacy with a woman of the same age may be too threatening for a homosexual, because in relation to adult women, he feels like a boy who does not reach the role of a man. This is also true outside the sexual context for a man-woman relationship. Lesbians also perceive men as rivals: in their opinion, the world would be better without men; next to a man, they feel unsafe, besides, men take their girlfriends away. Homosexuals often do not understand either the meaning of marriage or the relationship between a man and a woman; they look at them with envy and often with hatred, since the very “role” of masculinity or femininity irritates them; it is, in a word, the gaze of an outsider who feels belittled.

Socially, homosexuals (especially men) sometimes become addicted to provoking sympathy for themselves. Some make a real cult of establishing more and more superficial friendships, mastering the art of charm, and give the impression of being outgoing. They want to be the most adored, most loved boys in their company - this is a habit of overcompensation. However, they rarely feel on par with others: either lower or higher (overcompensation). Overcompensatory self-affirmation bears a sign of childish thinking and childish emotionality. A scandalous example of this is the story of a young, short, cross-eyed Dutch homosexual. Feeling unrecognized by his more attractive and wealthy peers, he decided to make his dreams of money, fame and luxury come true (Korver and Gowaars 1988, 13). Striving for self-affirmation, he acquired an impressive fortune at the age when he was only a little over twenty. In his palace in Hollywood, he threw grand parties, which were attended by the cream of society. By spending a lot of money on them, he actually bought their favor and attention. He became a star, was constantly surrounded by admirers, fashionably dressed and well-groomed. Now he could afford his own lovers. But in essence, this whole fairy-tale world that became reality was a lie - all this "friendship", "love", "beauty", all this "success in society." Anyone who knows the value of such a lifestyle understands how unreal it is. All this fortune was amassed from drug dealing, dexterous intrigue and fraud. His behavior bordered on psychopathy: he was indifferent to the fate of others, to his victims, he "showed his tongue" to society in the vain enjoyment of sweet revenge. It doesn't matter that he died of AIDS at the age of 35, because, as he boasted shortly before his death, he lived such a "rich" life. The psychologist will see in his mentality a "child", a disappointed "child"; a beggar, a disgusting outsider, hungry for wealth and friends; a child who grew up spiteful, incapable of establishing mature human relationships, a pitiful buyer of "friendship." His destructive thinking in relation to society was generated by a feeling of rejection: "I don't owe them anything!"

Such thinking is not uncommon among homosexuals, since this hostility is caused by a complex of “non-belonging”. For this reason, homosexuals are considered unreliable elements in any group or organization. The “inner child” in them continues to feel rejected and responds with hostility. Many homosexuals (both men and women) seek to create their own, illusory, world that would be "better" than the real, "graceful"; snobbish, fascinating, full of “adventures”, surprises and expectations, special meetings and acquaintances, but in reality full of irresponsible behavior and superficial connections: teenage thinking.

In people with a homosexual complex, emotional ties with their parents remain the same as they were in childhood and adolescence: in men, it is dependence on the mother; disgust, contempt, fear, or indifference to the father; ambivalent feelings about the mother and (less often) emotional dependence on the father in women. This emotional immaturity is further reflected in the fact that few homosexuals want children because they themselves, like children, are too deep in thoughts of themselves and want all attention to be theirs.

For example, two homosexuals who adopted a child later admitted that they only wanted to have some fun, “as if she was a trendy dog. Everyone paid attention to us when we, stylish homosexuals, entered the salon with her. ” Lesbian couples wishing to have a child pursue the same selfish goals. They "play mother-daughter", thus challenging the real family, acting out of puffed motives of a daring mind. In some cases, they are semi-consciously striving to engage their adopted daughter in lesbian relationships. The state, legalizing such unnatural relations, takes the blame for the latent, but serious violence against children. Social reformers who try to impose their crazy ideas about the "family", including the homosexual family, mislead society, as in other areas related to homosexuality. To facilitate the legalization of adoption by homosexual “parents,” they resort to citing studies that “prove” that children raised by homosexuals grow up mentally healthy. Such “studies” are not worth the paper on which they are written. This is a pseudoscientific lie. Anyone who has more reliable information about children who had such “parents” and received appropriate development knows what abnormal and sad situation they are in. (For manipulations in the research of homosexual parents, see Cameron 1994).

To summarize: the main characteristics of the psyche of a child and adolescent are egocentric thinking and emotions. The childish and adolescent personality of an adult with a homosexual complex is permeated by childishness and sometimes sheer selfishness. His unconscious self-pity, his self-pity and a corresponding attitude towards himself, along with a “compensating” attraction to erotic relationships for the sake of “attracting attention” and other ways of self-gratification and self-comfort, are purely infantile, that is, egocentric. By the way, people intuitively feel such a “child” and take a patronizing position in relation to a member of a homosexual family, friend or colleague of a homosexual, treating him in reality as a special, “vulnerable” child.

There is no doubt that homosexual relationships and “unions” are marked by signs of infantility. Like the relationship of two bosom friends, this teenage friendship is full of infantile jealousy, quarrels, mutual discontent, irritability and threats, and inevitably ends with a drama. If they “play the family”, then this is childish imitation, ridiculous and at the same time miserable. The Dutch homosexual writer Luis Cooperus, who lived at the beginning of the 20th century, spoke about his childhood thirst for friendship with his cheerful, strong, reliable uncle:

“I wanted to be with Uncle Frank always, forever! In my childhood fantasies, I imagined that my uncle and I were spouses ”(Van den Aardweg 1965). For a child, a normal marriage serves as an example of how two can live together. Two sad lonely "inner children" inside two homosexuals can imitate such a relationship in their fantasies - as long as the game lasts. These are the fantasies of two naive kids rejected by the world. One magazine posted a photo of the "wedding" ceremony in the city hall of two Dutch lesbians. It was undoubtedly a teenage show of independence and self-affirmation, but also an obvious game of family. One of the two women, taller and heavier, was dressed in a black groom's suit, and the other, shorter and slimmer, in a bride's dress. Children's parody of the behavior of an adult uncle and aunt and "eternal devotion". But the so-called normal people behaved crazier, as if they seriously approved of this game. If they were honest with themselves, they would have to admit that their minds and emotions see everything that happens as a bad joke.

Neurotic due to discrimination?

"From early childhood I was different from everyone." Many homosexuals, perhaps half, can speak of this feeling. However, they are wrong if they equate feelings of difference and homosexuality. The mistaken acceptance of one's distinction in childhood as an expression and proof of homosexual nature confirms the desire to rationalistically explain the homosexual lifestyle, as in the case of the well-publicized work of the homosexual psychoanalyst R.A. Aiseya (1989). First, his theory of homosexuality can hardly be called a theory. He does not answer the question about the cause (reasons), considering them "unimportant", because "nothing can be done about it" (Schnabel 1993, 3). Even so, such logic is completely unscientific. Is it possible to call the causes of cancer, crime, alcoholism unimportant just because we are not able to cure many forms of these ailments? The author's irritation and cynicism were the result of his broken marriage and failures in psychoanalytic practice. He tried, but failed, and then took refuge in a familiar, self-justifying strategy: to call attempts to change homosexuals, these victims of discrimination, a crime, and their "nature", an inviolable fact beyond any doubt. A great many disaffected homosexuals have reacted in this way. The French forerunner of the homosexual movement André Gide, leaving his wife and embarking on pedophilic adventures, took the following dramatic pose in the twenties: “I am what I am. And nothing can be done about it. " This is the defensive stance of a self-pitying defeatist. Understandable, perhaps - but still self-deceiving. A person who gives up knows that they have lost because of a lack of fortitude and honesty. Aisei, for example, gradually slipped into leading a double life of secret homosexual quest and venerable father and doctor. In this he is like those “ex-gays” who hope to abandon homosexuality through conversion to Christianity, but cannot establish their immature conviction of “liberation,” and ultimately lose all hope. In addition, they are tormented by a “guilty conscience”. Their explanations are dictated not by logic, but by self-defense.

As a psychiatrist, Aisei cannot but admit the existence of numerous "pathological and perverted" traits in homosexuals (Schnabel), but nevertheless explains them as the result of long-term rejection: by his father, peers, and society. Neurotic? These are the consequences of discrimination. This idea is not new; it is constantly resorted to by those homosexuals who admit they have neurotic emotionality, but avoid considering their homosexuality in the light of truth. However, it is impossible to separate homosexual desire from neurosis. I have repeatedly heard from clients: “I want to get rid of neurosis, it interferes with my homosexual contacts. I want to have a satisfactory sexual relationship, but I do not want to change my sexual orientation. " How to answer such a request? “If we start working on your neurotic emotions and inferiority complex, it will automatically affect your homosexual feelings as well. Because they are a manifestation of your neurosis. " And so it is. The less depression a homosexual has, the more stable he is emotionally, the less egocentric he becomes, and the less homosexual he feels in himself.

The outwardly defensive theory of Aisei - and of other homosexuals - may seem quite compelling. However, in the face of psychological facts, she begins to fall apart. Let us assume that the "homosexual nature" is somehow incomprehensibly inherited by the child from birth or acquired soon after birth. Could the overwhelming majority of fathers automatically “reject” such a son for this reason? Are fathers so cruel because their sons are somehow “different” from others (and reject them even before it turns out that this “difference” is of a homosexual “nature”)? For example, do fathers reject sons with defects? Of course no! Yes, even if a little boy has a different "nature", then, although, perhaps, there will be a certain type of fathers who would treat him with rejection, but there are many more who will respond with care and support.

Furthermore. For a person who understands child psychology, it would seem ridiculous to assume that little boys begin life with a tendency to erotic falling in love with their fathers (which, according to Aisei's theory, comes from their homosexual nature). This view distorts reality. Many pre-homosexual boys wanted warmth, hugs, approval from their father - nothing erotic. And if the fathers rejected them in response, or it seemed to them that they “rejected”, then was it really to be expected that they were satisfied with such an attitude towards themselves?

Now about the feeling of "difference." No myth of homosexual "nature" is required to explain it. A boy with feminine inclinations, reaching for his mother, overly ward, not having a paternal or other male influence in early childhood, will naturally begin to feel “different” in company with those boys who have fully developed boyish inclinations and interests. On the other hand, the feeling of "difference" is not, as Aisei assures, the dubious privilege of pre-gay men. Most heterosexual neurotics felt “different” in their youth. In other words, there is no reason to see this as a homosexual disposition.

Aisei's theory suffers from other inconsistencies. A huge number of homosexuals did not have any sense of "difference" until adolescence. In childhood, they recognized themselves as part of the company, but as a result of moving, moving to another school, etc., they developed a sense of isolation, because in a new environment they could not adapt to those who were different from them socially, economically, or otherwise. something else.

And finally, if someone believes in the existence of a homosexual nature, then he must also believe in a pedophilic nature, fetishistic, sadomasochistic, zoophilic, transvestite, etc. There would be a special "nature" of an exhibitionist who is excited by the demonstration of his penis by passing by him windows for women. And a Dutchman who was recently arrested for having indulged in the "irresistible" urge to spy on women in his soul for eight years could boast of his voyeuristic "nature"! Then that young woman who, feeling unwanted by her father, insatiably gave herself up to men ten years older than herself, undoubtedly had a nymphomaniac “nature” different from the normal heterosexual nature, and her frustration associated with the figure of the father was just a coincidence.

The homosexual Aisei portrays himself as a victim of a mysterious, gloomy fate. Such a vision, in essence, is pubertal self-tragedy. Much less pitiable for the ego would be the understanding that homosexuality is associated with immature emotionality! If Isay's theory of homosexual "nature" is true, is the psychological immaturity of the homosexual, his "childishness" and excessive self-concern a part of this unchanging and incomprehensible "nature"?

Neurotic due to discrimination? A huge number of people with homosexual inclinations admit that they suffered not so much from social discrimination as from the consciousness of their inability to live a normal life. Ardent supporters of the homosexual movement will immediately declare: “Yes, but this suffering is the result of inwardly directed social discrimination. They would not suffer if society regarded homosexuality as the norm. ” All this is a cheap theory. Only one who does not want to see the self-evident biological unnaturalness of homosexuality and other sexual violations will buy it.

Thus, the order of things is not as if the child suddenly realizes: “I am homosexual”, as a result of which undergoes neurotization from himself or other people. A correct tracing of the psychohistories of homosexuals suggests that they first of all experience a feeling of “non-belonging”, humiliation in relation to their peers, loneliness, dislike of one of the parents, etc. And it is obvious that for this reason they fall into depression and subject themselves to neuroticism ... Homosexual attraction manifests itself not before, but after и Consequently these feelings of rejection.

Non-neurotic homosexuals?

Are there such? One could answer in the affirmative if social discrimination were indeed the cause of the undeniably high incidence of neurotic emotional, sexual and interpersonal disorders in homosexuals. But the existence of non-neurotic homosexuals is fiction. This can be seen from the observations and introspections of homosexually predisposed people. Moreover, there is a definite connection between homosexuality and various psychoneuroses, such as obsessive-compulsive syndromes and rumination, phobias, psychosomatic problems, neurotic depression and paranoid states.

According to studies using psychological tests, all groups of homosexually predisposed people who have undergone the best testing to detect neurosis or “neuroticism” have shown positive results. Moreover, regardless of whether the testees were socially adapted or not, all without exception were marked as neurotics (Van den Aardweg, 1986).

[Warning: some tests are unprofessionally presented as tests for neurosis, although they are not.]

Some people suffering from this ailment may at first not seem neurotic. Sometimes they say about a homosexual that he is always happy and satisfied and does not cause problems. However, if you get to know him better and learn more about his personal life and inner world, then this opinion will not be confirmed. As in the case of “stable, happy, and strong homosexual marriages,” a closer look does not justify the first impression.

Norm in other cultures?

“Our Judeo-Christian tradition does not accept the homosexual 'variant', unlike other cultures that consider it the norm” is another fairy tale. Not in any culture or in any era was homosexuality - understood as an attraction to representatives of the same sex stronger than to representatives of the opposite - was not considered the norm. Sexual acts between members of the same sex may, to some extent, be considered acceptable in some cultures, especially if they are related to initiation rites. But real homosexuality has always been considered outside the norm.

And yet in other cultures, homosexuality is not as common as ours. How much does homosexuality really occur in our culture? Much less often than militant homosexuals and the media suggest. Homosexual feelings have one to two percent of the population maximum, including bisexuals. This percentage, which can be deduced from the available examples (Van den Aardweg 1986, 18), was recently recognized by the Alan Guttmacher Institute (1993) as true for the United States. In the UK, this percentage is 1,1 (Wellings et al. 1994; for the most reliable collection of information on this subject, see Cameron 1993, 19).

Out of several thousand inhabitants of the small Sambia tribe in New Guinea, there was only one homosexual. In fact, he was a pedophile (Stoller and Gerdt 1985, 401). It described not only the abnormality of his sexuality, but his behavior in general: he was “cold”, “inconvenient in people” (showed feelings of humiliation, insecurity), “reserved”, “gloomy”, “known for his sarcasm”. This is a description of a neurotic, a clear outsider who feels humiliated and is hostile to "others."

This man was “distinguished” by avoiding male occupations such as hunting and fighting as much as he could, preferring to grow vegetables over them, which was his mother’s occupation. His socio-psychological position provided insight into the origins of his sexual neurosis. He was the only and illegitimate son of a woman abandoned by her husband and therefore despised by the entire tribe. It seems possible that a lonely, abandoned woman very strongly tied the boy to herself, which is why he did not grow up like ordinary boys - which is typical of pre-homosexual boys in our culture, whose mothers perceive them simply as children and, in the absence of fathers, live with them in a very close proximity. The mother of this boy was embittered with the whole male race and therefore, as one might assume, did not care to raise a "real man" out of him. His childhood was characterized by social isolation and rejection - the humiliated son of an abandoned woman. It is significant that, in contrast to boys his age, homosexual fantasies began in his pre-adolescent period. Fantasies do not so much express sexual behavior in and of themselves as help overcome strong differences. In this case, this is obvious, since all the boys of this tribe were taught sexual relations: first with older guys, in the role of passive partners; then, as they grow older, with those who are younger, in the role of active ones. The point of this initiation ritual is for teenagers to receive the strength of their elders. In their twenties they get married. And what is interesting, with the approach of this event, their fantasies become heterosexual despite the previous practice of passive and active homosexuality. The only homosexual pedophile in the tribe who was examined by Stoller and Gerdt, having sexual relations with older guys on a par with other boys, obviously did not feel an emotional connection with them, since his erotic fantasies were focused on boys... From this we can conclude that he painfully experienced rejection by his peers and felt himself to be different, mainly from other boys, an outsider.

The example of the Sambia tribe shows that homosexual activities are not the same as homosexual interests. "Real" homosexuality is a rare occurrence in most cultures. An educated Kashmiri once expressed to me his conviction that homosexuality does not exist in his country, and I heard the same from a priest who worked for more than forty years in northeastern Brazil, a native of that region. We can argue that there may be latent cases, although this is not certain. It can also be assumed that the difference in which in those countries boys and girls are treated, and that unanimous treatment of boys as boys and girls as girls, with appropriate respect, is an excellent preventive measure. Boys are encouraged to feel like boys and girls are encouraged to feel like girls.

Seduction

Studying the Sambia tribe can help in understanding how seduction contributes to the development of homosexuality. Seduction cannot be considered a decisive causal factor in children and adolescents with normal gender confidence. However, it is more important than it has been held for several decades. One English study found that although 35% of boys and 9% of girls surveyed admitted to having tried to seduce them homosexually, only 2% of boys and 1% of girls agreed. In this case, we can look at this fact from a different angle. It is not unrealistic to assume that seduction can be harmful when a young person already has a gender inferiority complex or when his pubertal fantasies have begun to focus on objects of his own gender. Seduction, in other words, can intensify the formation of homosexuality, and sometimes even ignite homosexual desires in those teenagers who are insecure about their gender. Homosexual men have told me about this several times. A typical story goes like this: “One homosexual treated me with kindness and aroused sympathy in me. He tried to seduce me, but at first I refused. Later I began to fantasize about having a sexual relationship with another young man whom I liked and with whom I wanted to be friends. " Therefore, seduction is not so innocent as some want to assure us of it (this idea is a propaganda of pedophilia and adoption of children by homosexuals). Likewise, the “sexual atmosphere” in the home — pornography, homosexual films — can also reinforce as-yet-undefined homosexual interests. Some homosexuals would be more likely to become heterosexual if they did not have homosexual fantasies during the critical period of emotionally unstable adolescence. They might quietly outgrow their pubertal, largely shallow, erotic adoration of friends and idols of their sex. For some girls, heterosexual seduction aided, or reinforced, pre-existing homosexual attractions. However, this cannot be considered the only reason; we must not lose sight of the connection with the prior development of a sense of unfemininity.

5. Homosexuality and morality

Homosexuality and conscience

The topic of conscience is greatly underestimated by modern psychology and psychiatry. The morally neutral term replacing the concept of conscience, the so-called Freud’s superego, cannot explain the psychological dynamics of a person’s true moral consciousness. The superego is defined as the totality of all comprehended rules of behavior. “Good” and “bad” behavior does not depend on a moral absolute, but on a set of cultural, highly conditional, rules. The philosophy behind this theory states that norms and values ​​are relative and subjective: “Who am I to tell you what is good for you and what is bad; what is normal and what is not. ”

In fact, everyone, including modern man, one way or another, more or less clearly "knows" about the existence of "eternal", as they were called even by the ancient, moral laws and immediately and independently distinguish between theft, lies, deception, treason, murder , rape, etc. as evil in essence (actions are evil in themselves), and generosity, courage, honesty and loyalty - as good and beauty in essence. Although morality and immorality are most prominent in the behavior of others (Wilson 1993), we distinguish these qualities in ourselves as well. There is an inner discrimination of inherently wrong deeds and intentions, no matter how the ego tries to suppress this distinction, so as not to abandon these deeds and intentions. This inner moral judgment is the work of the authentic consciousness. While it is true that some manifestations of moral self-criticism are neurotic and the assessment of conscience is distorted, in most cases human conscience testifies to objective moral realities that are more than just "cultural prejudices." We will run out of space if we begin to provide psychological information and facts to support this view. Nevertheless, to the unbiased observer, the existence of "authentic consciousness" is obvious.

This remark is not superfluous, because conscience is a psychic factor that is easily neglected in discussions about topics like homosexuality. For example, we cannot neglect the phenomenon of repression of conscience, which, according to Kierkegaard, is more important than repression of sexuality. The suppression of conscience is never complete and without consequences, even in so-called psychopaths. The awareness of guilt or, in Christian terms, sinfulness continues to remain in the depths of the heart.

Knowledge of authentic consciousness and its suppression is extremely important for any type of "psychotherapy". Because conscience is a constant participant in motivation and behavior.

(An illustration of the psychological fact that one's own sexual desires are not considered as immoral as the sexual desires of others is the moral aversion of homosexuals to pedophilia. In an interview, a homosexual porn tycoon from Amsterdam poured out streams of indignation at his colleague's pedophilia, calling them "immoral." : “Sex with such little children!” He further expressed the hope that the perpetrator would be convicted and receive a good spanking (“De Telegraaf” 1993, 19). The thought automatically comes to mind: to use innocent children and adolescents to satisfy someone perverted lust - this is dirty. ”This man has shown his own ability for a normal moral reaction to the behavior of other people, and at the same time - blindness in assessing their own efforts to seduce young and old to various homosexual actions and enrichment at their expense: the same blindness, which that pedophile is amazed at regarding his immorality.)

A therapist who does not understand this, cannot really understand what is happening in the inner life of many clients, and is at risk of misinterpreting important aspects of their lives and harming them. Not to use the light of the client’s conscience, no matter how dull it is, means to make a mistake in choosing the most suitable means and the right strategies. None of the modern behavioral experts singled out the functions of authentic consciousness (instead of the Freudian ersatz) as the main person in the person, even in patients with serious mental impairments, more strongly than the famous French psychiatrist Henri Baryuk (1979).

Despite this, many today find it more difficult to convince themselves that, in addition to universal moral absolutes, there must be universal moral values ​​in sexuality. But contrary to the dominant liberal sexual ethics, many types of sexual behavior and desires are still labeled "dirty" and "disgusting." In other words, people's feelings about immoral sex have not changed much (especially when it comes to the behavior of others). Sexual lust, seeking satisfaction exclusively for itself, with or without another person, causes in others a special feeling of rejection and even disgust. Conversely, self-discipline in normal sexuality - chastity in Christian terms - is universally respected and honored.

The fact that sexual perversions have always and everywhere been considered immoral, speaks not only of their unnaturalness and aimlessness, but also of an absolute focus on oneself. Similarly, unbridled gluttony, drunkenness and greed are perceived by people who are far from such behavior, with disgust. Therefore, homosexual behavior causes a sharply negative attitude in people. For this reason, homosexuals who defend their way of life do not focus on their sexual activities, but instead, homosexual “love” is extolled in every way. And to explain the psychologically normal disgust that homosexuality causes in people, they invented the idea of ​​“homophobia”, making normal abnormal. But many of them, and not only those who have received Christian upbringing, admit that they feel guilty for their behavior (for example, a former lesbian speaks of her “feeling of sin” in Howard 1991). Many are disgusted with themselves after becoming homosexual. Symptoms of guilt are present even in those who call their contacts no less than beautiful. Certain manifestations of anxiety, tension, inability to truly rejoice, a tendency to condemn and irritate are explained by the voice of “guilty conscience”. Sexually addicted is very difficult to recognize a deep moral dissatisfaction with oneself. Sexual passion tries to obscure usually weaker moral feelings, which, however, it does not quite work out.

This means that the most decisive and best argument for a homosexual against indulging his fantasies will be his own inner feeling of what is clean and what is unclean. But how to bring it to consciousness? By honesty before himself, in quiet reflection, learning to listen to the voice of his conscience and not to listen to such internal arguments as: “Why not?” Or “I can’t stop satisfying this passion” or “I have the right to follow my nature” . Allocate a certain time in order to learn to listen. To ponder the questions: “If I carefully and without prejudice listen to what is happening in the depths of my heart, how will I relate to my homosexual behavior? To abstinence from him? ”Only a sincere and bold ear will hear the answer and learn the advice of conscience.

Religion and Homosexuality

One young Christian who had homosexual inclinations told me that, reading the Bible, he found reasons to reconcile his conscience with the homosexual relations that he had at that time, provided that he remained a faithful Christian. As expected, after some time he abandoned this intention, continuing his behavior, and his faith faded. This is the fate of many young people trying to reconcile irreconcilable things. If they manage to convince themselves that moral homosexuality is good and beautiful, then they either lose faith or invent their own, which approves of their passion. Examples of both possibilities can not be counted. For example, the well-known Dutch homosexual actor, a Catholic, currently plays the role of an impostor priest who “blesses” young couples (not excluding homosexuals, of course) at marriage ceremonies and performs rituals at the funeral.

Thus, an interesting question arises: why are so many homosexuals, Protestants and Catholics, men and women, interested in theology and often become ministers or priests? Part of the answer lies in their infantile need for attention and intimacy. They see church service as a pleasant and sentimental “care,” and they present themselves in him as respected and respectable, exalted above ordinary human beings. The Church appears to them as a friendly world free from competition, in which they can enjoy a high position and at the same time be protected. For gay men there is an additional incentive in the form of a rather closed male community in which they do not need to prove themselves as men. Lesbians, in turn, are attracted by an exceptional female community, similar to a convent. In addition, someone likes that unanimity that they associate with the manners and behavior of the shepherds and which corresponds to their own overly friendly and gentle manners. In Catholicism and Orthodoxy, the attire of priests and the aesthetics of rituals are attractive, which for feminine perception of homosexual men seems feminine and allows you to draw attention to yourself narcissistically, which is comparable to the exhibitionistic pleasure experienced by homosexual dancers.

It is curious that lesbians can be attracted to the role of a priest. In this case, for those who have a sense of belonging, attractiveness lies in public recognition, as well as in the ability to dominate others. Surprisingly, some Christian denominations do not impede the desire of homosexuals for priestly functions; in some ancient civilizations, in antiquity, for example, homosexuals played a priestly role.

So, such interests grow mostly from self-centered ideas that have absolutely nothing to do with the Christian faith. And the fact that some homosexuals perceive as a “vocation” for service is a craving for an emotionally saturated, but egocentric, lifestyle. This “calling” is fictitious and false. Needless to say, these ministers and priests preach a soft, humanistic version of traditional ideas, especially moral principles, and a perverted concept of love. Moreover, they tend to create a homosexual subculture within church communities. In doing so, they pose a hidden threat to sound doctrine and undermine church unity with their habit of forming destructive groups that do not consider themselves accountable to the official church community (the reader may recall the homosexual complex of “non-accessories”). On the other hand, they usually lack the balance and strength of character necessary to carry out the ministry of fatherly instruction.

Can true calling be accompanied by homosexual behavior? I dare not deny this completely; Over the years, I have seen several exceptions. But, as a rule, a homosexual orientation, whether it manifests itself in practice or is expressed only in a personal emotional life, should certainly be regarded as evidence of not a supernatural source of interest in the priesthood.

6. Role of therapy

A few sobering comments about “psychotherapy”

If I am not mistaken in my assessment, the best days of "psychotherapy" are over. The twentieth century was the era of psychology and psychotherapy. These sciences, promising great discoveries in the field of human consciousness and new methods for changing behavior and healing mental problems and diseases, raised great expectations. However, the result was the opposite. Most of the "discoveries", like many of the ideas of the Freudian and neo-Freudian schools, have turned out to be illusory - even if they still find their stubborn followers. The psychotherapy has done no better. The psychotherapy boom (Herink's 1980 handbook on psychotherapy lists over 250) seems to be over; although the practice of psychotherapy gained acceptance by society - unjustifiably quickly, I must say - the hope that it will bring grandiose results has faded. The first doubts had to do with the illusions of psychoanalysis. Before World War II, an experienced psychoanalyst like Wilhelm Steckel told his students that "if we don't make really new discoveries, psychoanalysis is doomed." In the 60s, belief in psycho-therapeutic methods was supplanted by the seemingly more scientific "behavioral therapy", but it did not live up to its claims. The same has happened with the very numerous new schools and "techniques" that have been hailed as scientific breakthroughs, and often even as the easiest paths to healing and happiness. In fact, most of them consisted of “heated scraps” of old ideas, paraphrased and turned into a source of profit.

After so many beautiful theories and methods were dispelled like smoke (a process that continues to this day), only a few relatively simple ideas and general concepts remained. A bit, but still something. For the most part, we returned to the traditional knowledge and understanding of psychology, perhaps deepening in some of its areas, but without sensational breakthroughs, as in physics or astronomy. Yes, it is becoming clearer that we must "rediscover" old truths, blocked by the apparent superiority of new teachings in the field of psychology and psychotherapy. For example, you need to turn again to the question of the existence and functioning of conscience, the importance of such values ​​as courage, contentment with little, patience, altruism as the opposite of egocentrism, etc. As for the effectiveness of psychotherapeutic methods, the situation can be compared with an attempt to correct a dialect, on spoken from childhood (and this is also possible), or with methods to quit smoking: you can succeed if you fight the habit. I use the word "struggle" because miraculous healings are not to be expected. Also, there are no ways to overcome the homosexuality complex, in which you can comfortably remain in a passive state ("hypnotize me and I will wake up a new person"). Methods or techniques are helpful, but their effectiveness depends largely on a clear understanding of your character and motives and on a sincere and unyielding will.

Sound "psychotherapy" can offer valuable help in understanding the origin and nature of annoying emotional and sexual habits, but does not offer discoveries that can lead to instant changes. For example, no psychotherapy can provide complete liberation, as some “schools” try to imagine, by unlocking repressed memories or emotions. It is also impossible to shorten the path with the help of skillfully designed teaching methods based on an allegedly new understanding of the laws of instruction. Rather, common sense and calm, everyday work are required here.

Need for a therapist

So is a therapist needed? Except in extreme cases, the principle to remember is that no one can walk this path alone. Usually, a person who is trying to get rid of a neurotic complex badly needs someone to guide or instruct him. In our culture, therapist specializes in this. Unfortunately, many psychotherapists are not competent to help homosexuals overcome their complex, as they have little idea of ​​the nature of this condition and share the prejudice that nothing can or should not be done with it. Therefore, for many who want to change, but cannot find a professional assistant, a "therapist" should be a person with a great deal of common sense and knowledge of the basics of psychology, who can observe and have experience in leading people. This person must have a developed intellect and be able to establish trusting contact (rapport). First of all, he himself must be a balanced person, mentally and morally healthy. This could be a pastor, priest or other church minister, doctor, teacher, social worker - although these professions do not guarantee the availability of therapeutic talents. For those suffering from homosexuality, I would recommend asking such a person to guide them in whom they see the presence of the above qualities. Let such a voluntary amateur therapist see himself as an elder friend-assistant, a father, who, without any scientific pretensions, is soberly guided by his own intelligence and common sense. Undoubtedly, he will have to learn what homosexuality is, and I offer him this material to deepen his understanding. It is not advisable, however, to read too many books on the subject, as much of this literature is only misleading.

The “client” needs a manager. He needs to release his emotions, express his thoughts, tell the story of his life. He should discuss how his homosexuality developed, how his complex works. It must be encouraged to a methodical, calm and sober struggle; you also need to check how he is progressing in his struggle. Everyone who learns to play a musical instrument knows that regular lessons are indispensable. The teacher explains, corrects, encourages; student works lesson after lesson. So it is with any form of psychotherapy.

Sometimes ex-gays help others overcome their problems. They have the advantage that they know first hand the inner life and difficulties of a homosexual. Moreover, if they really have completely changed, then for their friends they are an encouraging opportunity for change. Nevertheless, I do not always show enthusiasm for a similar, undoubtedly well-intentioned solution to the therapeutic question. A neurosis such as homosexuality can already be overcome to a tremendous extent, but various neurotic habits and ways of thinking, not to mention periodic relapses, can still remain for a long time. In such cases, one should not try too early to become a therapist; before embarking on such a thing, a person must live at least five years in a state of complete internal change, including the acquisition of heterosexual feelings. However, as a rule, it is the “real” heterosexual who can stimulate heterosexuality in the homosexual client better than anyone else, because those who have no problems with male self-identification can best stimulate male self-confidence among those who lack it. In addition, the desire to “heal” others may unconsciously be a means of self-affirmation for someone who avoids serious work on themselves. And sometimes, a hidden desire to continue contacts with the homosexual “sphere of life” can be mixed with a sincere intention to help those who are experiencing difficulties that are familiar to him.

I mentioned the therapist - the “father” or his lay deputy. What about women? I don't think women would be the best option for this kind of therapy with adults, even for lesbian clients. Sincere conversations and support from girlfriends and mentors can of course be helpful; however, the lengthy (years-long) work of firm and consistent guidance and direction for the homosexual requires the presence of a father figure. I do not consider this discrimination against women, since pedagogy and upbringing consist of two elements - male and female. The mother is a more personal, direct, emotional educator. The father is more of a leader, coach, mentor, bridle and power. Female therapists are more suitable for the treatment of children and adolescent girls, and men for this kind of pedagogy that requires masculine leadership qualities. Remember the fact that when the father is not around with his male power, mothers usually have difficulty raising sons (and often daughters!) In their teens and adolescents.

7. Knowing yourself

The development of childhood and youth

Knowing yourself is, first of all, objective knowledge of their characteristic personality traits, i.e., their motives of behavior, habits, views; how would you know us others, they know us well, as if looking from the side. It is much more than ours. subjective emotional experience. To understand himself, a person must also know his psychological past, have a fairly clear idea of ​​how his character developed, what is the dynamics of his neurosis.

It is very likely that a homosexually-disposed reader automatically correlated a lot with himself, as discussed in previous chapters. A reader who wants to apply these ideas to himself, to become a therapist for himself, will be useful, however, to examine his psychological history more methodically. For this purpose, I propose the following questionnaire.

It’s better to write down your answers; thanks to this, thoughts become clearer and more specific. After two weeks, check your answers and correct what you think needs to be changed. Understanding some of the relationships is often easier if you let the questions “ripen” in your mind for a while.

Medical history (your psychological history)

1. Describe your relationship with your father as you grew up. How would you characterize it: closeness, support, identification [with your father], etc .; or alienation, reproach, lack of recognition, fear, hatred or contempt for the father; a conscious desire for his sympathy and attention, etc.? Write down the characteristics that are appropriate for your relationship, if necessary, add the missing in this short list. You may have to make distinctions for specific periods of your development, for example: “Before puberty (about 12-14 years), our relationship was ...; then, however ... ".

2. What do I think (especially during puberty / adolescence) my father thought of me? This question relates to your idea of ​​your father's opinion of you. The answer, for example, may be: “He was not interested in me,” “He valued me less than brothers (sisters),” “He admired me,” “I was his beloved son,” etc.

3. Describe your current relationship with him and how you behave with him. For example, are you close, are you on friendly terms, how easy it is for the two of you, whether you respect each other, etc .; or are you hostile, tense, irritable, quarreling, fearful, distant, cold, arrogant, rejected, rivalry, etc.? Describe your typical relationship with your father and how you usually show it.

4. Describe your feelings for your mother, your relationship with her during childhood and during puberty (the answer can be divided). Whether they were friendly, warm, close, calm, etc .; or were they compulsive, fearful, alienated, cool, etc.? Refine your answer by choosing those characteristics that you think are most typical for you.

5. How do you think your mother felt about you (during childhood and adolescence?) What was her opinion of you? For example, did she see you as a "normal" boy or girl, or did she treat you in a special way, like a close friend, pet, her ideal-model child?

6. Describe your current relationship with your mother (see question 3).

7. How did your father (or grandfather, stepfather) raise you? For example, he protected you, supported you, fostered discipline, confidence, provided freedom, trusted; or the upbringing went with many nagging and discontent, in severity, he punished too much, demanded, reproached; treated you hard or softly, indulged you, pampered and treated you like a baby? Add any characteristic not on this list that would better describe your case.

8. What methods did your mother bring you up? (See characteristics in question 7).

9. How did your father look after and treat you in terms of your gender identity? With encouragement, understanding, for a boy as a boy and a girl as a girl, or without any respect, without any understanding, with nagging, with contempt?

10. How did your mother look after and treat you in terms of your gender? (See question 9)

11. How many siblings are you (only child; first of __ children; second of __ children; last of __ children, etc.). How did this affect your psychological position and attitude towards you in the family? For example, a late child is more protected and pampered; the position of the only boy among several girls and the attitude towards him, most likely, differs from the position of the eldest of several brothers and the attitude towards him, etc.

12. How did you compare yourself to brothers (if you are a man) or sisters (if you are a woman)? Did you feel that your father or mother preferred you over them, that you were “better” than them due to some ability or character trait, or that you were less important?

13. How did you imagine your masculinity or femininity compared to your brothers (if you are a man) or sisters (if you are a woman)?

14. Did you have friends of your gender as a child? What was your position among your gender peers? For example, did you have many friends, were you respected, were you a leader, etc., or were you an outsider, an imitator, etc.?

15. Did you have friends of your gender during puberty? (see question 14).

16. Describe your relationship with the opposite sex during childhood and puberty, respectively (for example, no relationship or exclusively with the opposite sex, etc.).

17. For men: did you play as soldiers, in war, etc. as a child? For women: have you played with dolls, with soft toys?

18. For men: were you interested in hockey or football? Also, have you played with dolls? Have you been interested in clothing? Describe in detail.

Women: were you interested in clothing and cosmetics? Also, did you prefer boyish games? Describe in detail.

19. As a teenager, did you fight, “express yourself,” did you try to assert yourself, moderately, or quite the opposite?

20. What were your main hobbies and interests as a teenager?

21. How did you perceive your body (or parts of it), your appearance (for example, did you consider it beautiful or unattractive)? Describe specifically what physical characteristics upset you (figure, nose, eyes, penis or breasts, height, plumpness or thinness, etc.)

22. How did you perceive your body / appearance in terms of masculinity or femininity?

23. Have you had any physical disabilities or diseases?

24. What was your usual mood in childhood and then in adolescence? Joyful, sad, changeable, or constant?

25. Have you had special periods of inner loneliness or depression in childhood or adolescence? If so, at what age? And do you know why?

26. Did you have an inferiority complex in childhood or adolescence? If so, in what specific areas did you feel inferior?

27. Can you describe what kind of child / adolescent you were in terms of your behavior and inclinations at a time when your inferiority was felt most acutely for you? For example: “I was a loner, independent of everyone, withdrawn, self-willed”, “I was shy, too compliant, helpful, lonely, but at the same time internally embittered”, “I was like a baby, I could easily cry, but at the same time he was picky "," I tried to assert myself, looked for attention "," I always tried to please, smiled and seemed happy outwardly, but inside I was unhappy "," I was a clown for others "," I was too compliant "," I was cowardly ”,“ I was a leader ”,“ I was domineering, ”etc. Try to recall the most striking features of your personality in childhood or adolescence.

28. What else, besides this, played an important role in your childhood and / or adolescence?

Concerning psychosexual stories, the following questions will help you:

29. At what approximately age did you first feel infatuation with someone of your gender?

30. What was his / her appearance and character? Describe what attracted you the most to him / her.

31. Approximately how old were you when you first developed homosexual inclinations or fantasies? (The answer may be the same as the answer to question 29, but is optional.)

32. Who usually arouses your sexual interest in terms of age, external or personal qualities, behavior, manner of dress? Examples for men: young people 16–30 years old, pre-adolescent boys, feminine / masculine / athletic men, military men, slim men, blondes or brunettes, famous people, good-natured, “rude”, etc. For women: young women in age ___; middle-aged women with certain traits; women of my age; etc.

33. If this applies to you, how often did you masturbate as a teenager? And afterwards?

34. Have you ever had spontaneous heterosexual fantasies, with or without masturbation?

35. Have you ever experienced erotic feelings or falling in love with a person of the opposite sex?

36. Are there any peculiarities in your sexual actions or fantasies (masochism, sadism, etc.)? Briefly and restrainedly describe what fantasies or what behavior of people excites you, since this will help to identify those areas in which you feel your own inferiority.

37. After considering and answering these questions, write a short history of your life, containing the most important incidents and internal events of your childhood and adolescence.

What am i today

This part of self-knowledge is extremely important; the understanding of one's own psychohistory, which was discussed in the previous paragraph, is actually important only insofar as it helps to understand oneself today, i.e., today's habits, emotions, and, most importantly, motives related to the homosexual complex.

For successful (self-) therapy, it is necessary that a person begins to see himself in an objective light, such as a person who knows us well sees us. Indeed, view from the outside it is often extremely important, especially if it is the view of those who participate with us in everyday affairs. They can open our eyes to habits or behavior that we don’t notice, or that we would never recognize. This is the first method of self-knowledge: accept and carefully analyze the comments of others, including those you do not like.

Second method - introspection... It is addressed, firstly, to internal events - emotions, thoughts, fantasies, motives / motives; and secondly, external behavior. With regard to the latter, we can try to present our behavior as if we were looking at ourselves objectively, from the outside, from some distance. Of course, internal self-perception and presentation of one's own behavior through the eyes of an outside observer are interrelated processes.

Self-therapy, like conventional psychotherapy, begins with a preliminary period of self-observation, lasting one to two weeks. It would be a good practice to regularly record these observations (although not necessarily every day, only when something important happens). They need to be recorded with restraint and consistency. Create a special notebook for these purposes and make a habit of recording your observations, as well as questions or important thoughts. Recording hones observation and insight. Moreover, it allows you to study your notes over time, which, in the experience of many, helps to understand some things even better than they are only recorded.

What should be recorded in the diary of self-observation? Avoid whining, keeping "complaint book". People with neurotic emotionality tend to express dissatisfaction, and therefore they constantly pity themselves in the diary of self-observation. If after some time, while re-reading the notes, they realize that they are complaining, then this is a clear achievement. It may turn out that they involuntarily captured self-pity at the time of the recording, so they would later discover for themselves: “Wow, how I pity myself!”

However, it is better to write down your poor health like this: briefly describe your feelings, but not stop there, but add an attempt at introspection. For example, after writing down: “I felt hurt and misunderstood,” try to objectively reflect on it: “I think there may have been reasons to feel hurt, but my reaction was excessive, was I really that sensitive; I behaved like a child ”or“ My childish pride was hurt in all this, ”and so on.

A diary can also be used to record ideas that have come up unexpectedly. Decisions made are another important material, especially because writing them down gives them greater certainty and firmness. However, writing down emotions, thoughts and behavior is only a means to an end, namely, a better understanding of yourself. Thinking is also necessary, which ultimately leads to a better recognition of one's own motives, impulses (especially infantile or egocentric).

What should pay attention

Self-knowledge is achieved through careful consideration of their feelings and thoughts, unpleasant and / or exciting. When they arise, ask about their reason, what they mean, why you felt it.

Negative feelings include: loneliness, rejection, abandonment, heartache, humiliation, worthlessness, lethargy, indifference, sadness or depression, anxiety, nervousness, fear and anxiety, feelings of persecution, resentment, irritation and anger, envy and jealousy, bitterness, longing (for someone), impending danger, doubts, etc., especially any out of the ordinary feelings - everything that worries, especially remembered, everything striking or depressing.

Feelings related to the neurotic complex are often associated with the feeling. inadequacywhen people feel not in control of themselves, when "the earth is slipping from under their feet." Why did I feel this way? It is especially important to ask yourself: "Was my gut reaction like the" child "? and "Has not my 'poor me' shown itself here?" Indeed, in fact, it turns out that many of these feelings are caused by children's dissatisfaction, wounded by pride, self-pity. Subsequent conclusion: "Internally, I do not react like an adult man or woman, but more like a child, a teenager." And if you try to imagine the expression on your face, the sound of your own voice, the impression you made on others by the expression of your emotions, then you will be able to more clearly see the “inner child” that you just were. In some emotional responses and behaviors, it is easy to see the childish ego's behavior, but it is sometimes difficult to recognize the childishness in other negative feelings or impulses, even though they are perceived as disturbing, unwanted, or obsessive. Discontent is the most common indicator of infantile behavior, often indicative of self-pity.

But how to distinguish infantile discontent from a normal, adequate, adult?

1. Non-infantile regret and discontent are not associated with self-worth.

2. They, as a rule, do not throw a person out of balance, and he keeps himself in control.

3. Except in extraordinary situations, they are not accompanied by excessive emotionality.

On the other hand, some reactions can combine both infantile and adult components. Disappointment, loss, resentment can be painful in themselves, even if a person reacts to them childishly. If someone cannot understand whether his reactions come from the “child” and how strongly, then it is better to omit such an event for a while. This will become clear if you return to it some time later.

Next, you need to carefully study your manner behavior that is, models of attitudes towards people: the desire to please everyone, stubbornness, hostility, suspicion, arrogance, stickiness, patronage or seeking patronage, dependence on people, imperiousness, despotism, rigidity, indifference, criticism, manipulation, aggressiveness, vindictiveness, fearfulness, avoidance or provocation of conflicts, propensity to argue, self-praise and flamboyance, theatricality of behavior, flaunting and seeking attention to oneself (with countless options), etc. A distinction must be made here. Behavior can vary depending on who it is directed to: people of the same or opposite sex; family members, friends or colleagues; on higher or lower levels; on strangers or good acquaintances. Write down your observations, specifying what kind of social contacts they belong to. Indicate what behavior is most typical for you and your "child" ego.

One of the purposes of such self-observation is to identify roles which a person plays. In most cases, these are roles of self-affirmation and attention-grabbing. A person can impersonate a successful, understanding, merry fellow, hero of a tragedy, an unfortunate sufferer, helpless, infallible, very important person, etc. (the options are endless). Role playing, revealing an inner childishness, means a certain degree of insincerity and secrecy and can border on a lie.

Verbal behavior can also tell a lot about a person. The very tone of the voice carries a lot of information. One young man drew attention to how he stretched the words, pronouncing them somewhat sadly. As a result of introspection, he concluded: “I think that I unconsciously assume the appearance of a weak child, trying to put others in the position of cute, understanding adults.” Another man noticed that, talking about himself and his life, he was used to speaking in a dramatic tone, and in fact he was prone to a slightly hysterical reaction to most of the most common phenomena.

Observing content of his speech. Neurotic immaturity almost always expresses itself in a tendency to complaints - verbal and otherwise - about oneself, about circumstances, about others, about life in general. In the conversations and monologues of many people with homosexual neurosis, a significant amount of egocentrism is noticeable: “When I visit friends, I can talk about myself for more than an hour,” one client admitted. "And when they want to tell me about myself, my attention wanders, and it's hard for me to listen to them." This observation is by no means exclusive. Self-centeredness goes hand in hand with whimpering, and many of the conversations of "neurocissistic" people end in complaints. Record some of your usual conversations on tape and listen to them at least three times - this is a rather unflattering and instructive procedure!

The most thorough study of your attitude to parents and thoughts about them... As for the "child" ego, his behavior in this regard can be characterized by clinginess, rebelliousness, disdain, jealousy, alienation, seeking attention or admiration, dependence, picky, etc. Such an infantile attitude remains even when the parents (parent ) no longer: the same over-attachment or hostility and reproaches! Distinguish between your relationship with your father and your mother. Remember that the "childish ego" is almost certainly found in relationships with parents, be it outward behavior or in thoughts and feelings.

The same observations must be made regarding their relations with a spouse, a homosexual partner, or the main character of your fantasies... Many children's habits are found in the latter area: children's attention seeking, role-playing, stickiness; parasitic, manipulative, jealousy-generated actions, etc. Be absolutely sincere with yourself in your introspections in this area, because this is where the (understandable) desire to deny, not see specific motives, to justify is found.

Concerning myself, notice what thoughts about yourself you have (both negative and positive). Recognize self-flagellation, over-self-criticism, self-condemnation, feelings of inferiority, etc., but also narcissism, self-praise, hidden self-adoration in any sense, dreams of self, etc. Test yourself for the presence of inner manifestations of self-drama and self-victimization thoughts, fantasies and emotions. Can you discern sentimentality, melancholy in yourself? Is there a conscious immersion in self-pity? Or possible self-destructive desires and behaviors? (The latter is known as "psychic masochism", that is, deliberate infliction of something on oneself that will knowingly harm, or immersion in self-inflicted or deliberately acquired suffering).

Concerning sexuality, think over your fantasies and try to establish features of appearance, behavior or personal qualities that arouse your interest in a real or imagined partner. Then correlate them with your own feelings of inferiority in accordance with the rule: what captivates us in others is exactly what we see as inferior. Try to discern children's admiration or idolization in your vision of supposed "friends." Also try to see the attempts comparing yourself to another a man of your gender in his attraction to him and in that painful a feeling that is mixed with sensual passion. In fact, this painful feeling or passion is a childhood feeling: “I am not like him (her)” and, accordingly, a complaint or a mournful sigh: "How I want him (she) to pay attention to me, poor, insignificant creature!" Although it is not so easy to analyze the feelings of homoerotic “love”, it is nevertheless necessary to realize the presence of a self-serving motive, the search for a loving friend in these feelings for myself, like a child who egocentrically wants everyone to cherish. Notice also what psychological reasons cause sexual fantasies or the desire to masturbate. Often these are feelings of dissatisfaction and disappointment, therefore sexual desires have the function of comforting the "poor self."

Moreover, it is necessary to pay attention tohow do you fulfill the "role" of a man or woman. Check to see if there are any manifestations of fear and avoidance of activities and interests that are characteristic of your gender, and whether you feel inferior in doing so. Do you have habits and interests that do not match your gender? These cross-gender or atypical-gender interests and behavior are mostly infantile roles, and if you look closely at them, you can often recognize the underlying fears or feelings of inferiority. These gender disparities can also speak of egocentrism and immaturity. For example, one woman realized that her demanding and dictatorial methods “resemble” that manner of self-assertion in her youth, to which she resorted with the intention of finding her place among people, out of a sense of “non-belonging”. This role, now her second nature (a very precise name), has become her childhood attitude of "me too." One homosexual with expressive pseudo-female manners discovered that he was always preoccupied with his behavior. This feminine mannerism, as he understood it, was closely connected with strong and generalized feelings of inferiority and a lack of normal self-confidence. Another man learned to recognize that his feminine manner of behavior is associated with two different relationships: satisfaction from the infantile enjoyment of the role of a beautiful, little girl-like sissy; and fear (feeling of inferiority) of gaining courageous self-confidence.

It will take some time before you can learn to penetrate so deeply into yourself. By the way, cross-gender habits are very often reflected in hairstyles, clothes and various manners of speech, gestures, gait, manner of laughing, etc.

You should pay close attention to how you work... Are you doing your daily work reluctantly and reluctantly, or with pleasure and energy? With responsibility? Or is it for you a way of immature self-affirmation? Do you treat her with unjustified, excessive discontent?

After some time of such introspection, summarize the most important traits and motives of your infantile ego, or "inner child." In many cases, a headline may be useful: “Helpless boy, constantly seeking pity and support” or “Offended girl who no one understands”, etc. Specific cases from the past or present can vividly depict the features of such a “boy” or “ girls". Such memories appear in the form of a living picture with the participation of your "child from the past" and can instantly depict him. Therefore, we can treat them as key memories. They can be of immense help at a time when it is necessary to see this “child” in their current infantile behavior or when this behavior needs to be resisted. These are a kind of mental “photographs” of the “child's ego” that you carry with you, like photographs of family members or friends in your wallet. Describe your key memory.

Moral self-knowledge

The categories of self-inquiry discussed here so far have to do with specific events, both internal and behavioral. However, there is a second level of self-knowledge - mental and moral. Looking at oneself from this point of view partly coincides with the type of psychological self-exploration mentioned above. Moral self-knowledge is more focused on the origins of the personality. In terms of benefits, psychological self-knowledge, which implies a moral understanding of oneself, can strongly spur the motivation to change. We must remember the brilliant insight of Henri Bariuk: “Moral consciousness is the cornerstone of our psyche” (1979, 291). Could this be irrelevant for psychotherapy, or self-therapy, or self-study?

Soul-moral self-understanding deals with a fairly stable internal attitude, although it is found through concrete behavior. One man saw how childishly he lied in certain situations for fear of reproach. In this he realized the attitude, or habit of his ego, which lay much deeper than the habit of lying in self-defense (out of fear of hurting his ego), namely, his deeply rooted egoism, his moral impurity (“sinfulness,” as a Christian would say). This level of self-knowledge, in contrast to simply psychological, is much more fundamental. He also brings liberation - and for this very reason; its healing power can do much more than ordinary psychological understanding. But often we cannot draw a clear line between the psychological and the moral, because the most healthy psychological insights relate to the moral dimension (take, for example, the realization of childhood self-pity). Curiously, many of the things we call "childish" are also felt to be morally blameworthy, sometimes even immoral.

Selfishness is the common denominator of most, if not all, immoral habits and attitudes, "evils" at one end of the bipolar system; on the other, virtues, morally positive habits. It would be useful for those wishing to explore their neurotic complex to consider themselves morally. What you should pay attention to:

1. satisfaction - dissatisfaction (refers, of course, to the tendency to indulge in whining and justify oneself);

2. courage - cowardice (mark specific situations and areas of behavior in which you notice characteristics);

3. patience, firmness - weakness, weak-willedness, avoidance of difficulties, indulgence towards oneself;

4. Moderation - lack of self-discipline, self-indulgence, self-indulgence (lack of self-restraint can become evil in eating, drinking, talking, working or lust of all kinds);

5. diligence, hard work - laziness (in any area);

6. humility, realism in relation to oneself - pride, arrogance, vanity, pedantry (specify the area of ​​behavior);

7. modesty - immodesty;

8. honesty and sincerity - dishonesty, insincerity and a tendency to lie (specify);

9. reliability - unreliability (in relation to people, deeds, promises);

10. responsibility (normal sense of duty) - irresponsibility (in relation to family, friends, people, work, assignments);

11. understanding, forgiveness - vindictiveness, rancor, anger, harm (in relation to family members, friends, colleagues, etc.);

12. normal joy of possession is greed (specify manifestations).

Key questions for the seeker of their motivation:

Judging by my occupations and interests, what is mine real goal in life? Is my activity aimed at myself or at others, to fulfill a task, achieve ideals, objective values? (Self-directed goals include: money and property, power, fame, public recognition, people's attention and / or respect, comfortable life, food, drink, sex).

8. What you need to develop in yourself

Beginning of the battle: hope, self-discipline, sincerity

A better understanding of yourself is the first step to any change. As the therapy progresses (which is a battle), self-awareness and change deepens. You may already see a lot, but you will understand more over time.

Having an understanding of the dynamics of your neurosis will give you patience, and patience will strengthen hope. Hope is positive and healthy anti-neurotic thinking. Sometimes hope can make problems so much easier and even disappear for a while. However, the roots of the habits that make up the neurosis are not easy to extract, so the symptoms are likely to re-emerge. However, throughout the process of change, hope must be cherished. Hope is grounded in realism: no matter how often neurotic - and therefore homosexual - feelings appear, no matter how often you indulge in them, as long as you make the effort to change, you will see positive achievements. Despair is part of the game, at least in many cases, but you need to resist it, master yourself, and keep going. Such hope is like calm optimism, not euphoria.

The next step - self-discipline - is absolutely essential. This step concerns, for the most part, ordinary things: getting up at a certain time; adherence to the rules of personal hygiene, food intake, hair and clothing care; day planning (approximate, not meticulous and comprehensive), recreation and social life. Mark and start working on areas where you lack or lack self-discipline. Many people with homosexual tendencies have difficulty with some form of self-discipline. To neglect these issues in the hope that emotional healing will change everything else for the better is simply foolish. No therapy can help you achieve satisfactory results if you neglect this practical component of daily self-discipline. Come up with a simple method to fix your typically weaknesses. Start with one or two areas where you fail; having achieved improvement in them, you will more easily defeat the rest.

Naturally, sincerity is required here. First of all, sincerity to oneself. This means practicing to objectively evaluate everything that happens in your own mind, your motives and actual intentions, including the promptings of conscience. Sincerity does not mean convincing yourself of the inconsistency of perceptions and sensations of your so-called “better half”, but in an effort to talk about them simply and openly, in order to realize them as much as possible. (Make it a habit to write down important thoughts and self-reflection.)

Moreover, sincerity means courageously exposing your weaknesses and mistakes to another person who, as a therapist or leader / mentor, helps you. Almost every person has a tendency to hide certain aspects of their own intentions and feelings from themselves and from others. However, overcoming this barrier not only leads to liberation, but also is necessary to move forward.

To the above requirements, the Christian will also add sincerity before God in the analysis of his own conscience, in prayer-conversation with Him. Insincerity in relation to God would be, for example, a prayer for help in the absence of at least an attempt to apply our own efforts to do what we can, regardless of the result.

Given the tendency of the neurotic mind to self-tragedy, it is important to warn that sincerity should not be theatrical, but sober, simple and open.

How to deal with neurotic self-pity. The role of self-irony

When in your everyday life you find random or regular manifestations of an “inner complaining child”, imagine that this “poor thing” is standing before you in the flesh, or that your adult “I” has replaced itself with a child’s, so that only the body is left of the adult. Then explore how this child will behave, what he will think about and what to feel in specific situations from your life. To correctly imagine your inner "child", you can use the "supporting memory", the mental image of your child's "I".

The intrinsic and extrinsic behavior inherent in the child is easy to recognize. For example, someone says: “I feel like I am a little boy (as if they rejected me, underestimated me, I worry about loneliness, humiliation, criticism, I feel fear of someone important, or I'm angry, I want to do everything on purpose and in spite, etc.). Also, someone from the outside can observe the behavior and notice: “You behave like a child!”

But admitting it in yourself is not always easy, and there are two reasons for this.

Firstly, some may resist seeing themselves as just a child: “My feelings are serious and justified!”, “Maybe I’m a child in some ways, but I really have reasons to feel excited and offended!” In short , an honest look at yourself can be hindered by children's pride. On the other hand, emotions and internal reactions can often be quite obscure. Sometimes it is difficult to recognize your real thoughts, feelings or desires; in addition, it may not be clear what provoked such an internal reaction in the situation or the behavior of others.

In the first case, sincerity will help, as for the second - reflection, analysis, reasoning will help. Write down unclear reactions and discuss them with your therapist or mentor; you may find his observations or critical questions helpful. If this does not lead to a satisfactory solution, you can postpone the episode for a while. As you practice introspection and self-therapy, as you get to know your own “inner child” and its typical reactions, unexplained situations will become less common.

However, there will be many situations when the complaints of the "child", the childish qualities of a person's internal and external reactions will become obvious without any analysis. Sometimes it is enough to simply recognize “oneself unhappy” - and an inner distance will arise between you and childhood feelings, self-pity. An unpleasant feeling does not have to completely disappear to lose its sharpness.

Sometimes it is necessary to include irony, to emphasize the ridiculousness of the "unhappy self" - for example, taking pity on your "inner child", your childish "I": "Oh, how sad! What a pity! - Poor thing! " If it works, a faint smile will appear, especially if you manage to imagine the pathetic expression on the face of this child from the past. This method can be modified to suit personal tastes and a sense of humor. Make fun of your infantilism.

Even better, if you have the opportunity to joke in this way before others: when two laugh, the effect intensifies.

There are complaints that are stronger, even obsessive, especially those associated with three points: with the experience of rejection - for example, a feeling of wounded child pride, worthlessness, ugliness and inferiority; with complaints of physical well-being, such as fatigue; and, finally, with the stress of suffering injustice or unfavorable circumstances. For such complaints, apply the method of hyperdramatization developed by psychiatrist Arndt. It consists in the fact that the tragic or dramatic infantile complaint is exaggerated to the point of absurdity, so that a person begins to smile or even laugh at it. The method was intuitively used by the 17th century French playwright Moliere, who suffered from obsessive hypochondria: he portrayed his own obsessions in a comedy, the hero of which exaggerated his suffering from imaginary illnesses so much that the audience and the author himself laughed heartily.

Laughter is an excellent medicine for neurotic emotions. But it will take courage and some training before a person can say something ridiculous about himself (that is, about his child self), make a funny picture of himself or deliberately curl in front of a mirror, imitating the child's self, his behavior, a plaintive voice, making fun of himself and hurt feelings. The neurotic "I" takes itself too seriously - experiencing any complaints as a real tragedy. Interestingly, at the same time, a person can have a developed sense of humor and joke about things that do not concern him personally.

Hyperdramatization is the main technique of self-irony, but any other can be used.

In general, humor serves to discover the relativity, conventionality of feelings of being “important” or “tragic”, to struggle with complaints and self-pity, it is better to accept the inevitable and, without complaining, to bear any difficulties, help a person become more realistic, see the real correlation of their problems in comparison with the problems of others. All this means that it is necessary to grow out of a subjective perception of the world and other people generated by fantasy.

With hyperdramatization, the conversation is built as if the "child" is in front of us or is inside us. For example, if self-pity stems from an unfriendly attitude or some kind of rejection, the person may address the inner child as follows: “Poor Vanya, how cruel you were treated! You're just beaten all over, oh, even your clothes were torn, but what bruises! .. "If you feel wounded childish pride, you can say this:" Poor thing, did they throw you, Napoleon, like Lenin's grandfather in the nineties? ”- and at the same time, imagine the mocking crowd and the“ poor thing ”tied with ropes, crying. To self-pity about loneliness, so common among homosexuals, you can respond as follows: “What a horror! Your shirt is wet, the sheets are damp, even the windows are fogged up from your tears! There are already puddles on the floor, and in them fish with very sad eyes are swimming in a circle "... and so on.

Many homosexuals, both men and women, feel less beautiful than others of the same gender, although it hurts them to admit it. In this case, exaggerate the main complaint (thinness, excess weight, big ears, nose, narrow shoulders, etc.). To stop negatively comparing yourself to other, more attractive people, imagine your "child" as a poor vagrant, left by everyone, crippled, in shabby clothes that cause pity. A man can imagine himself as a little crying freak, completely devoid of muscles and physical strength, with a squeaky voice, etc. A woman can imagine a terrible super-masculine "girl" with a beard, biceps like Schwarzenegger's, etc. And then contrast this poor thing to a charming idol, exaggerating the brilliance of other people, imagine the shrill cry for love of the "poor self" who dies in the street, while other people pass by, ignoring this little beggar hungry for love.

Alternatively, imagine a fantastic scene where an adored lover picks up a suffering boy or girl so that even the moon cries with fullness of feelings: “Finally, a little love, after all the suffering!” Imagine that this scene is shot with a hidden camera and then They show in the cinema: the audience is crying non-stop, the spectators leave the show, distressed, sobbing in each other's arms over this poor thing, who finally, after so many searches, found human warmth. Thus, the tragic demand for love by the “child” is hyperdramatized. In hyperdramatization, a person is completely free, he can invent whole stories, sometimes fantasy can include elements of real life. Use anything that may seem funny to you; invent your own brand for your self-irony.

If anyone objects that this is stupidity and childishness, I agree. But usually objections stem from an internal resistance to self-irony. My advice, then, is to start with innocent little jokes about trouble that you don't attach too much importance to. Humor can work well, and although it is childish humor, we must not lose sight of the fact that this trick overcomes childish emotionality. The use of self-irony presupposes at least partial penetration into the infantile or pubertal nature of these reactions. The first step is always to identify and acknowledge infantilism and self-pity. Note also that self-irony is regularly used by humble, psychologically healthy people.

It’s especially good to watch what we say and how we say it to identify and combat pitiful tendencies. The person may be complaining inwardly or out loud, so you need to keep track of your conversations with friends or coworkers and mentally mark the moments when you want to complain. Try not to follow this desire: change the subject or say something like: "This is difficult (bad, wrong, etc.), but we must try to get the most out of the situation." By doing this simple experiment from time to time, you will discover how strong the tendency is to complain about your fate and fears, and how often and easily you succumb to this temptation. It is also necessary to refrain from the urge to empathize when others complain, express their outrage or displeasure.

"Adverse" therapy, however, is not a simplified version of "positive thinking." There is nothing wrong with expressing sadness or difficulties to friends or family members - as long as it is done with restraint, in proportion to reality. Normal negative emotions and thoughts should not be discarded for the sake of exaggerated "positive thinking": our enemy is only infantile childhood self-pity. Try to distinguish between normal expressions of grief and frustration and childhood whining and whining.

"But to suffer and at the same time not indulge in infantile self-pity, not to complain, you need strength and courage!" - you object. Indeed, this struggle requires more than just humor. It implies that you will have to work on yourself constantly, from day to day.

Patience and humility

Hard work leads to the virtue of patience - patience with yourself, your own failures, and the understanding that change will be gradual. Impatience is characteristic of youth: it is difficult for a child to accept his weaknesses, and when he wants to change something, he believes that it should happen instantly. In contrast, a healthy acceptance of oneself (which is fundamentally different from the widespread indulgence of weaknesses) means maximum effort, but at the same time calmly accepting yourself with your weaknesses and the right to make mistakes. In other words, self-acceptance means a combination of realism, self-respect and humility.

Humility is the main thing that makes a person mature. In reality, each of us has our own subtle places, and often noticeable imperfections - both psychological and moral. To imagine oneself as an impeccable "hero" is to think like a child; therefore, playing a tragic role is childish, or, in other words, an indicator of a lack of humility. Carl Stern states: "The so-called inferiority complex is the exact opposite of true humility" (1951, 97). Exercising in the virtue of humility is very helpful in the fight against neurosis. And self-irony in order to discover the relativity of the infantile self and challenge its claims to importance can be seen as an exercise in humility.

An inferiority complex is usually accompanied by a pronounced sense of superiority in one area or another. The child's self tries to prove its worth and, unable to accept its suspected inferiority, is carried away by self-pity. Children are naturally self-centered; they feel "important" as if they are the center of the universe; they are prone to pride, it is true, infantile - because they are children. In a sense, in any inferiority complex there is an element of wounded pride, to the extent that the inner child does not accept his (alleged) inferiority. This explains the subsequent attempts to overcompensate: "In fact, I am special - I am better than others." This, in turn, is the key to understanding why in neurotic self-assertion, in playing roles, in striving to be the center of attention and sympathy, we are faced with a lack of humility: deeply damaged self-esteem is somewhat related to megalomania. And so, men and women with a homosexual complex, having decided that their desires are "natural", often succumb to the urge to turn their difference into their superiority. The same can be said about pedophiles: André Gide described his "love" for boys as the highest manifestation of man's affection for man. The fact that homosexuals, substituting the unnatural for the natural and calling the truth a lie, are driven by pride is not just a theory; this is also noticeable in their lives. “I was king,” one ex-gay put it about his past. Many homosexuals are vain, narcissistic in behavior and dress - sometimes it even borders on megalomania. Some homosexuals despise “ordinary” humanity, “ordinary” weddings, “ordinary” families; their arrogance leaves them blind to many values.

So the arrogance inherent in many homosexual men and women is overcompensation. The feeling of their own inferiority, the children's complex of “non-belonging” developed into a spirit of superiority: “I am not one of you! In fact, I am better than you - I am special! I am a different breed: I am especially gifted, especially sensitive. And I am destined to suffer especially. " Sometimes this feeling of superiority is laid by the parents, their special attention and appreciation - which is especially often observed in a relationship with a parent of the opposite sex. A boy who was a favorite of his mother will easily develop an idea of ​​superiority, just like a girl who turns her nose up at the special attention and praise of her father. The arrogance of many homosexuals dates back precisely to childhood, and, in truth, in this they deserve pity as unreasonable children: in combination with a sense of inferiority, arrogance makes homosexuals easily vulnerable and especially sensitive to criticism.

Humility, on the contrary, liberates. To learn humility, you need to notice in your behavior, words and thoughts signs of vanity, arrogance, superiority, complacency and boasting, as well as signs of wounded pride, unwillingness to accept sound criticism. It is necessary to refute, gently make fun of them, or otherwise deny such. This happens when a person builds a new image of his "I", "I-real", realizing that he really has abilities, but the abilities are limited, "ordinary" capabilities of a humble person, not distinguished by something special.

9. Change of thinking and behavior

During the internal struggle with homosexual inclinations in a person, the will and ability to self-awareness should be awakened.

The importance of will is difficult to overestimate. As long as a person cherishes homosexual desires or fantasies, efforts towards change are unlikely to be successful. Indeed, every time a person secretly or openly indulges in homosexuality, this interest gets nourished - a comparison with alcoholism or addiction to smoking is appropriate here.

Such an indication of the paramount importance of the will does not, of course, mean that self-knowledge in itself is useless; however, self-knowledge does not give the strength to overcome infantile sexual urges - this is possible only with the help of full mobilization of will. This struggle should take place in complete calmness, without panic: it is necessary to act patiently and realistically - like an adult trying to control a difficult situation. Don't let the urge of lust to intimidate you, don't make it a tragedy, don't reject it, and don't exaggerate your frustration. Just try to say no to this desire.

Let's not underestimate the will. In modern psychotherapy, the emphasis is usually placed either on intellectual insight (psychoanalysis) or on learning (behaviorism, educational psychology), however, will remains the main factor of change: cognition and training are important, but their effectiveness depends on what the will is aimed at .

Through self-reflection, a homosexual must come to a firm volitional decision: "I do not leave these homosexual urges the slightest chance." In this decision, it is necessary to consistently grow - for example, regularly returning to it, especially in a calm state, when thinking is not clouded by erotic arousal. After a decision has been made, a person is able to give up the temptation of even an insignificant homosexual excitement or homoerotic entertainment, to give up immediately and completely, without duality inside. In the overwhelming majority of cases, when a homosexual “wants” to be healed, but is almost unsuccessful, the point is most likely that the “decision” has not been made finally, and therefore he cannot fight vigorously and is inclined, rather, to blame the strength of his homosexual orientation or circumstances. After several years of relative success and occasional relapses into homosexual fantasies, the homosexual discovers that he never really wanted to get rid of his lust: “Now I understand why it was so difficult. Of course, I always wanted deliverance, but never one hundred percent! " Therefore, the first task is to strive to purify the will. Then it is necessary to periodically update the solution so that it becomes solid, becomes a habit, otherwise the solution will weaken again.

It is important to understand that there will be minutes, even hours, when the free will will be strongly attacked by lustful desires. “At such moments, I, ultimately, want to give in to my desires,” many are forced to admit. At this time the struggle is indeed very unpleasant; but if a person does not have a firm will, it is practically unbearable.

Homosexual impulses can be of different forms: for example, it can be a desire to fantasize about a stranger who was seen on the street or at work, on TV or in a photo in a newspaper; it can be a dream-experience caused by certain thoughts or past experiences; it can be an urge to go in search of a partner for the night. In this regard, the decision "no" in one case will be easier to make than in another. The desire can be so strong that the mind becomes clouded, and then a person is forced to act exclusively by willpower. Two considerations can help in these tense moments: "I must be sincere, honest with myself, I will not deceive myself," and "I still have freedom, despite this burning desire." We train our will when we realize: “I can move my hand now, I can get up and leave right now - I just have to give myself a command. But it is also my will to stay here in this room and prove myself the master of my feelings and urges. If I am thirsty, I can decide not to and accept the thirst! " Small tricks can help here: for example, you can say aloud: “I decided to stay at home,” or, having written down or memorized several useful thoughts, quotes, read them at the moment of temptation.

But it is even easier to quietly look away - to break the chain of images without dwelling on the person's appearance or the picture. The decision is easier when we have realized something. Try to notice that when you look at the other, you may be comparing, “Oh! Prince Charming! Goddess! And I ... in comparison with them I am nothing. " Realize that these urges are just a pathetic demand of your infantile self: “You are so beautiful, so masculine (feminine). Please pay attention to me, unhappy! " The more a person knows about his "poor self", the easier it is for him to distance himself from him and use the weapon of his will.

A good way to help yourself is to see how immature it is to seek homosexual contact, whether in fantasy or reality. Try to realize that in this desire you are not an adult, a responsible person, but a child who wants to pamper himself with warmth and sensual pleasure. Understand that this is not true love, but self-interest, because a partner is perceived rather as an object for receiving pleasure, and not as a person, a person. This must be borne in mind also in the case when there is no sexual desire.

When you understand that homosexual satisfaction is by nature childish and selfish, you also realize its moral impurity. Lust cloudes moral perception, but cannot completely drown out the voice of conscience: many feel that their homosexual behavior or masturbation is something unclean. To understand this more clearly, it is necessary to strengthen the determination to resist it: against the background of healthy emotions, impurity will be noticeable much more clearly. And never mind if this view is ridiculed by homosexual advocates - they are simply dishonest. Of course, everyone decides for himself whether to pay attention to purity and impurity. But let's keep in mind that the refusal in this case is the work of the “negation” defense mechanism. One of my clients had all desires concentrated on one thing: he sniffed the underwear of young people and imagined sexual games with them. He was helped by the sudden thought that doing this is despicable: he felt that he was abusing the body of his friends in his fantasy, using their underwear for satisfaction. This thought made him feel unclean, dirty. As with other immoral acts, the stronger the internal moral disapproval (in other words, the more clearly we perceive the act as morally ugly), the easier it is to say no.

Homosexual arousal is often a "comforting response" after experiencing frustration or disappointment. In such cases, the self-pity present in this must be recognized and hyperdramatized, because correctly experienced misfortunes usually do not cause erotic fantasies. However, homosexual impulses arise from time to time and under completely different circumstances, when a person feels great and does not think about anything like that at all. This can be triggered by memories, associations. A person discovers that he finds himself in a situation previously associated with a homosexual experience: in a certain city, in a certain place, on a certain day, etc. Suddenly, a homosexual urge comes - and the person is taken by surprise. But in the future, if a person knows such moments from experience, he will be able to prepare for them, including by constantly reminding himself of the decision not to give up the sudden "charm" of these special circumstances.

Many homosexuals, both men and women, regularly masturbate, and this closes them in the framework of immature interests and sexual egocentricity. Addiction can be defeated only in a bitter struggle, without giving up on possible falls.

Fighting masturbation is very similar to fighting homoerotic images, but there are also specific aspects. For many, masturbation is a consolation after experiencing frustration or disappointment. Man allows himself to sink to infantile fantasies. In this case, you can advise the following strategy: every morning, and also if necessary (in the evening or before going to bed), firmly repeat: "On this day (night) I will not give up." With this attitude, the first signs of emerging desires are easier to recognize. Then you can say to yourself, "No, I will not allow myself this pleasure." I'd rather suffer a little and won't get this Wishlist ”. Imagine a child whose mom refuses to give him candy; the child gets angry, starts crying, even fights. Then imagine that this is your “inner child” and hyperdramatize his behavior (“I want candy!”). Now say this: "What a pity that you have to do without this little joy!" Or address yourself (to your “child”) as a strict dad: “No, Vanechka (Mashenka), today dad said no. No toys. Maybe tomorrow. Do what daddy said! ”. Do the same tomorrow. So, concentrate on today; no need to think: "I will never cope with this, I will never get rid of it." The struggle should be daily, this is how the skill of abstinence comes. And further. Do not dramatize the situation if you show weakness or break down again. Tell yourself: “Yes, I was stupid, but I have to move on,” as an athlete would do. Whether you fail or not, you still grow, become stronger. And this is liberation, as in liberation from alcoholism: a person feels better, peacefully, happily.

There is also a trick: when a homosexual urge appears, do not give up, but remind yourself that a mature person can feel something and, despite this, continue to work or lie quietly in bed - in general, control himself. Imagine as clearly as possible a person who encourages his will not to indulge himself: "Yes, this is how I want to be!" Or imagine that you are telling your wife or husband - your future soulmate - or your (future) children, about how you fought the urge to masturbate. Imagine how embarrassing you would be if you had to admit that you never fought at all, fought badly, or simply gave up.

Also, this "love filling" in masturbatory fantasies can be hyperdramatized. For example, tell your “inner child”: “He looks deeply into your eyes, and in them - eternal love for you, poor thing, and warmth for your devastated, love-hungry soul ...” etc. In general, try to make fun of their fantasies or their elements (for example, fetishistic details). But, first of all, hyperdramatize this most difficultly perceived, screaming, calling, beating on the effect of the complaint: "Give me, poor thing, your love!" Humor and a smile overcome both homoerotic fantasies and the urge to masturbate associated with them. The problem with neurotic emotions is that they block the ability to laugh at yourself. The infantile self is opposed to humor and jokes directed against its “importance”. However, if you practice, you can learn to laugh at yourself.

It is only logical that many homosexuals have infantile ideas about sexuality. Some believe, for example, that masturbation is necessary to train their sexual potency. Of course, the male inferiority complex underlying such a perception must be hyperdramatized. Never try to "prove" your "masculinity" by pumping up muscle, growing a beard and mustache, etc. These are all teenage notions of masculinity, and they will only lead you away from your goal.

For a Christian in the therapy of homosexuality, it would be ideal to combine a psychological and spiritual approach. This combination, in my experience, provides the best guarantee of change.

Fighting the infantile self

So, we have before us an immature, egocentric "I". The attentive reader, studying the chapter on self-knowledge, may have noticed some infantile traits or needs in himself. It is clear that the transition to age and emotional maturity will not happen automatically; for this it is necessary to win the battle with the infantile self - and that takes time.

A person prone to homosexuality should focus on the “inner child” who seeks attention and empathy. In particular, the manifestation of this may be the desire to feel important, or respected, or “to appreciate”; the inner “child” can also long for and demand love, or sympathy, or admiration. It should be noted that these feelings, which bring some inner satisfaction, are fundamentally different from the healthy joy that a person receives from life, from self-realization.

Interacting with other people, it is necessary to notice such aspirations to "console themselves" and abandon them. Over time, it will be clearer to see how many of our actions, thoughts and motives grow precisely from this infantile need for self-affirmation. The infantile self preys on the exclusive attention of other people. The demands of love and sympathy can become simply tyrannical: a person is easily caught in jealousy and envy if other people receive attention. The desire of the “inner child” for love and attention must be separated from the normal human need for love. The latter, at least in part, obeys the need to love other people. For example, mature unrequited love brings sadness, not indignation and infantile self-pity.

Any attempts at infantile self-assertion must be suppressed - only in this case rapid progress is possible. Do not forget about trying to be significant in your own eyes, to stand out, to arouse admiration. Sometimes the infantile self-assertion seems to be "reparative", an attempt to restore something lost in the past; this is especially true for complaints of inferiority. In reality, by satisfying them, you only increase the fixation on yourself: all infantile urges and emotions are interconnected as communicating vessels; "Feeding" some, you automatically strengthen others. Mature self-affirmation brings joy and satisfaction because you can achieve anything, but not because you are "so special." Mature self-assertion also implies gratitude, because a mature person realizes the relativity of his achievements.

Wearing masks, pretending, trying to make some special impression - this kind of behavior can be seen as seeking attention, sympathy. To overcome all this at the stage of "symptoms", as soon as you notice it, is simple - for this you just need to give up the pleasure of narcissistic "tickling". The result will be a feeling of relief, an experience of freedom; a feeling of independence, strength will come. On the contrary, a person seeking attention and acting out makes himself dependent on others' judgments about him.

In addition to being vigilant for these manifestations of infantilism and their immediate suppression, it is necessary to work in a positive direction, that is, to be service-oriented. This, first of all, means that in all situations or occupations, a person will pay attention to his tasks and responsibilities. It means asking yourself a simple question: "What can I bring to this (be it a meeting, family holiday, work or leisure)?" The inner child, on the other hand, is concerned with the question, “What can I get? What profit can I derive from the situation; what can others do for me? What impression will I make on them? " - and so on, in the spirit of self-oriented thinking. To counteract this immature thinking, one should consciously try to bring to the end what is seen as a possible contribution to the situation that matters to others. By focusing on this, switching your thinking from yourself to others, you can get more satisfaction than usual, because a self-centered person, instead of taking the natural pleasure of meeting friends or colleagues, is usually concerned about how valuable he is to others. In other words, the question is, what responsibilities - large and small - do I think are in front of me? This question should be answered by aligning responsibilities with long-term goals and day-to-day situations. What are my responsibilities in friendship, work, family life, before my children, in relation to my health, body, rest? The questions may seem trivial. But when a husband tends to homosexuality and complains about a painful dilemma, choosing between family and “friend,” and eventually leaves his family for a lover, this means that he did not really feel honestly about his responsibilities. Rather, he suppressed thoughts of them, dulling them with self-pity over his tragic predicament.

To help a person grow up psychologically, to stop being a child, is the goal of any therapy for neuroses. To put it in negative terms, help a person live not for himself, not for the glory of the infantile ego and not for his own pleasure. As you move along this path, homosexual interests will decline. However, for this, it is critically important at the beginning to see your behavior and its motives in terms of their immaturity and focus on themselves. “It seems that I only care about myself,” the sincere homosexual will say, “but what love is, I don’t know.” The very essence of homosexual relationships is an infantile self-obsession: wanting a friend for yourself. "That is why I am always demanding in a relationship with a girl, even tyranny," the lesbian admits, "She must be completely mine." Many homosexuals feign warmth and love towards their partners, fall into self-deception, begin to believe that these feelings are real. In reality, they cherish a selfish sentimentality and try on masks. It is revealed over and over again that they can be violent with their partners and, in fact, indifferent to them. Of course, this is not love at all, but self-deception.

So, one person who showed generosity to his friends, buying them wonderful gifts, helping them with money in need, in fact, did not give anything away - he just bought their sympathy. Another realized that he was constantly preoccupied with his appearance and spent almost all his salary on clothes, hairdressers and colognes. He felt physically inferior and unattractive (which is quite natural), and in his heart felt sorry for himself. His overcompensating narcissism was pseudo-reparative selfishness. It's normal for a teenager to be preoccupied with their hair; but then, as he grows up, he will accept his appearance as it is, and this will no longer be of special importance to him. For many homosexuals, it happens differently: they hold on to infantile self-delusion about their own imaginary beauty, look at themselves for a long time in the mirror, or fantasize about walking down the street or talking with other people. Laughing at yourself is a good antidote to this (eg, "Boy, you look great!")

Narcissism can take many forms. A lesbian who behaves exaggeratedly masculine takes infantile pleasure in playing this role. The same thing happens in the case of a man who half-consciously cultivates femininity in himself, or vice versa, childishly plays the "macho". Behind all this lies an underlying: “Look how amazing I am!”

If a person decides to deliberately show love for other people, at first this can lead to disappointment, because it is still only his “I” that is interesting, and not the “I” of others. You can learn to love by developing an interest in another person: how does he live? what does he feel? what will actually be good for him? From this inner attention small gestures and actions are born; the person begins to feel more responsibility for others. However, this does not happen in the same way as with neurotics, who often feel obligated to shoulder full responsibility for the lives of others. Taking responsibility for others in this way is one of the forms of egocentrism: "I am an important person on whom the fate of the world depends." The feeling of love grows as healthy concern for others grows, thinking is rebuilt and the focus of attention shifts from oneself to others.

Many homosexuals occasionally or constantly display arrogance in their manners; others are mostly in their thoughts ("I am better than you"). Such thoughts must be immediately caught and cut off, or ridiculed, exaggerated. As soon as the “inner child” bloated with importance diminishes, narcissistic satisfaction, in particular, the subconscious belief that you are some kind of special, brilliant, best, will go away. The illusions of the Nietzschean superman are a sign of immaturity. What is in return? Healthy acceptance that you are no better than others, plus the opportunity to laugh at yourself.

Envy is also a sign of immaturity. “He has this and that, but I don't! I can't stand it! Poor me ... ”He is prettier, stronger, looks younger, life sprinkles out of him, he is more athletic, more popular, he has more abilities. She is more beautiful, full of more charm, femininity, grace; she gets more attention from the guys. When you look at a person of the same sex as you, admiration for the infantile ego and the desire to connect with it mix with envy. The way out is to neutralize the voice of the “child”: “May God grant him to become even better! And I will try to be pleased with myself - both physically and mentally, be I even the last, most insignificant man or woman. " Hyperdramatization and ridicule of supposedly inferior masculine / feminine qualities in the future will help to reduce egocentrism in relationships with people of the same sex.

If the reader seriously thinks about the issues of love and personal maturity, it will become clear to him: the fight against homosexuality simply means a fight for maturity, and this internal battle is just one of the options for the struggle that any person leads to outgrow their infantilism; it's just that everyone has their own areas of growth.

Changing Your Sex Role

Maturity assumes, among other things, that a person feels natural and adequate in his innate field. Quite often homosexuals cherish the desire: "Oh, if only you could not grow up!" The need to act like a grown man or woman sounds like a curse to them. Infantile complaints of gender inferiority make it difficult for them to imagine themselves as adults. In addition, they often have unrealistic, exaggerated ideas about what masculinity and femininity are. They feel more free in the role of a child: "a sweet, sweet, charming boy", "a helpless child", "a boy who looks so much like a girl" - or "a tomboy girl", "a courageous girl who better not cross the road", or “a fragile, forgotten little girl”. They do not want to admit that these are false "I", masks, which they need to get comfort, in order to take their place in society. At the same time, this "theater of masks" can give some - not all - the narcissistic pleasure of feeling tragic and special.

A homosexual man may look for masculinity in his partners, elevated to the rank of an idol, and at the same time, paradoxically, the person himself (or rather his childish self) may treat masculinity with disdain, feeling himself “more sensitive”, better than “rude "Men. In some cases, it becomes "the talk of the town." Lesbians can despise femininity as something second-rate, which is very reminiscent of the fable of the fox and the grapes. Therefore, it is necessary to eradicate all false fantasies about a "special kind", "otherness", "third field" - this unmanly or unfeminine "I". This is sobering, because a person realizes that he is no different from ordinary men and women. The nimbus of superiority disappears, and the person realizes that all this was infantile complaints of inferiority.

A man following our self-therapy guidelines will soon see his “non-man” mask. This role can be manifested in small things, for example, in the belief that he cannot stand alcohol. In reality, this is an unconscious mask of a "sissy" who has such a "rough" habit "not to face". "Oh, I feel sick after one glass of cognac" - a phrase typical for a homosexual. He convinces himself of this, and then, naturally, feels bad, like a child who imagines that he cannot stand any food, but at the same time he is not at all allergic. Take off that mask of sensitivity and try to enjoy a good sip (of course, only if you are old enough to drink and not get drunk - because only then you have real freedom of choice). "Alcoholic drinks are only for men," says the "inner child" of a homosexual. “Gorgeous,” “cute,” or narcissistic details in clothing that emphasize male disagreement or “sensitivity” need to be eradicated in the same way. Women's shirts, flashy rings and other jewelry, colognes, unisex hairstyles, as well as women's manner of speaking, intonation, finger and hand gestures, movement and gait - these are what a man must put an end to. It makes sense to listen to your own voice, recorded on tape, in order to recognize an unnatural, albeit unconscious mannerism that as if states: "I am not a man" (for example, slow speech with a cutesy, mournful, whimpering sound, which can irritate other people and which so characteristic of many homosexual men). After learning and understanding your voice, try to speak in a calm, “sober”, clear and natural tone and notice the difference (use a tape recorder). Also pay attention to the internal resistance that is felt during the task.

It is easier for women to overcome their reluctance to wear pretty dresses and other typically feminine outfits. Use makeup, stop looking like a teenager, and get ready to fight the emerging feeling that "being feminine is not for me." Stop playing strong guy in terms of how you talk (listen to yourself on tape), gestures, and gait.

You need to change the habit of indulging yourself in the little things. For example, one homosexual always carried slippers with him to visit, because “they are so comfortable in them” (it’s a little impolite to say that, but this is a vivid example of how a man turns into a “gossip” from a joke). Another man needed a distraction from the all-consuming hobby of embroidering or arranging bouquets. To do this, you need to understand that the pleasure received from such a hobby is the pleasure of a kid, a boy with a gentle character, already, as it were, half of a “girl”. You can see that these passions are part of a male inferiority complex, but you still feel sad about having to leave them. But compare that to the situation when the boy realizes that it is past time to go to bed with his favorite teddy bear. Look for other activities and hobbies that are both sexually important and in your interests. Perhaps the teddy bear example made you smile; but, nevertheless, it is a fact: many homosexuals cherish their childishness and internally resist growth.

Now that the lesbian has revealed the reason for her "principled" rejection of the feminine lifestyle, she needs, for example, to overcome aversion to cooking, take care of her guests or devote herself to other "unimportant" little things of the household, to be gentle and caring in relation to small children especially babies. (Contrary to popular belief about the maternal instinct of lesbians, most often their maternal feelings are suppressed, and they treat children more like pioneer leaders than mothers.) Involvement in the female "role" is a victory over the infantile ego, and at the same time emotional revelation is the beginning of the experience of femininity.

Many homosexual men should stop being felons and work with their hands: chop wood, paint a house, work with a shovel, a hammer. It is necessary to overcome the resistance to exert physical effort. As for sports, it is necessary, where the opportunity presents itself, to participate in competitive games (soccer, volleyball, ...), and give all your best, even if you are far from being a “star” on the field. To rest and fight, and not to spare yourself! Many then feel wonderful; wrestling means victory over the inner "poor man" and helps to feel like a real man. The “inner child” of a homosexual avoids, rejects, and shies away from the normal activity inherent in sex. However, I want to emphasize that the principle of adopting normal gender roles is not equivalent to “behavioral therapy”. It is important here to consciously use the will to fight internal resistance against these roles, and not just train like a monkey.

At the same time, in such small daily exercises of "identification" with one's masculinity or femininity, one does not need to go beyond foolishness. Remember that any attempts to develop demonstrative masculinity (hairstyle, mustache, beard, emphasized men's clothing, muscle cultivation) are caused by egocentrism and childishness, and only feed the homosexual complex. Everyone can list a number of habits and interests that he should pay attention to.

Homosexual men often have a childish attitude towards pain, for example, they "cannot stand" even relatively minor inconveniences. Here we touch on the topic of courage, which is akin to firm self-confidence. The “inner child” is too afraid of both physical struggle and other forms of conflict, and therefore his aggression is often indirect, hidden, he is capable of intrigues and lies. For a better self-identification with one's masculinity, it is necessary to overcome the fear of confrontation, verbal and, if necessary, physical. You need to speak honestly and frankly, defend yourself if circumstances require it, and not be afraid of aggression and ridicule from other people. Moreover, it is necessary to defend authority, if this authority corresponds to the position, and not to ignore possible critical "attacks" of subordinates or colleagues. In an attempt to gain self-confidence, a person steps over the "poor child" and gets many opportunities to hyperdramatize feelings of fear and feeling like a failure. Firmness is good in situations where the mind confirms that it is justified, even necessary. However, toughness can be childish if used to demonstrate toughness or importance. Normal behavior of a self-confident person is always calm, non-demonstrative, and leading to results.

On the contrary, many lesbians will benefit immensely from a little exercise in submission, or even - the tongue will not turn to speak! - in submission - even worse! - subordinate to the authority of men. To feel what a woman's "submissiveness" and "gentleness" is, a lesbian will have to resist the assumed role of a dominant and independent man by her own volitional effort. Usually women seek the support of a man, seek to give themselves to him, to take care of him; this is expressed, in particular, in the desire to submit to his masculinity. Despite the impetuous self-assertion of the offended "girl", in every lesbian a normal woman slumbers like a sleeping beauty, ready to wake up.

Feelings of inferiority often make the "unmanly boy" and "unfeminine girl" resentful of their bodies. Try to fully accept and appreciate the masculinity or femininity "expressed" in your body. For example, strip naked, examine yourself in the mirror, and decide that you are happy with your body and its sex characteristics. No need to feverishly change anything with makeup or clothes; you must maintain your natural constitution. A woman may have small breasts, a muscular or lean physique, etc. You need to take this for granted, improve your appearance within reasonable limits, and stop complaining about what you cannot fix (this exercise may have to be repeated more than once) ... A man should be satisfied with his constitution, penis, muscles, vegetation on the body, etc. There is no need to complain about these features and fantasize about some other "ideal" physique. It is quite obvious that this dissatisfaction is only a complaint of the infantile "I".

10. Relationships with other people

Changing your assessment of other people and building relationships with them.

The homosexual neurotic treats other people in part as a "child." It is hardly possible - rather, completely impossible - to change homosexuality without developing a more mature vision of other people and more mature relationships with them.

Persons of their gender

Homosexuals need to recognize the feeling of their own inferiority in relation to people of the same sex, as well as the feeling of shame when communicating with them, caused by the feeling of their "marginality", "alienation". Deal with these feelings by hyperdramatizing the "poor, unhappy child." Also, be proactive in your interactions, rather than being aloof and passive. Participate in general conversations and activities, and use strength to build relationships. Your efforts will most likely reveal a deeply hidden habit of playing the role of an outsider, and, perhaps, a reluctance to adapt normally among representatives of your gender, a negative view of other people, their rejection or a negative attitude towards them. Of course, it is not good to strive for better adaptation among members of the same sex because of a child's desire to please them. First of all, it is more important to be a friend to others yourself, and not to look for friends. This means moving from a child's search for protection to taking responsibility for others. From indifference you need to come to interest, from infantile hostility, fear and distrust - to sympathy and trust, from "sticking" and dependence - to healthy internal independence. For homosexual men, this often means overcoming the fear of confrontation, criticism and aggression, for lesbians - accepting a female or even maternal role and interests, as well as overcoming contempt for such things. Men will often have to reject their own compliance and servility, and women will have to abandon bossy, wayward domination.

It is necessary to distinguish between individual and group communication with representatives of their gender. People inclined towards homosexuality feel “at ease”, being among their peers who are heterosexual, especially if in childhood it was difficult for them to adapt in groups of children of their gender. In such situations, they usually experience an inferiority complex. It takes courage to stop avoiding the group and begin to behave normally, naturally, without compensatory actions, without avoiding possible ridicule or rejection by the group, while continuing to behave as a member of the group.

friendship

Normal friendships are a source of joy. In a friendly relationship, each person lives his own, independent life, and at the same time there is no sticky dependence of a lonely "inner child", no self-centered demand for attention. Building normal friendships with another person without selfish interest and without the desire to "get anything in return" contributes to the process of emotional maturation. In addition, the joy of having normal friendships with people of the same gender can contribute to the growth of gender identity, it helps to cope with the feelings of loneliness that so often leads to the habitual reaction of homosexual fantasies.

However, normal friendships with members of one’s gender can lead to internal conflict. A homosexual may again involuntarily return to his friend’s infantile idealization, and strong impulses of erotic desire may appear. What then to do? In general, it’s better not to avoid a friend. First of all, analyze the infantile component of your feelings and behavior in relation to it and try to change them. For example, you can pause or change certain types of behavior, in particular, the habit of attracting his attention, the desire for his protection or care.

Do not allow a childish warm attitude towards yourself. Stop fantasies in the erotic realm. (You can, for example, hyperdramatize them.) Make a firm decision not to betray your friend, using him in your fantasies as a toy, even if it happens “only” in your imagination. Treat this difficult situation as a challenge, as an opportunity for growth. Soberly look at your friend’s physical appearance and personality traits, in real proportions: “He is not better than me, each of us has his positive and negative traits.” And only if you feel that your infantile feeling in relation to him triumphs over you, reduce the intensity of your communication for a while. Try to avoid too close physical proximity (but do not be fanatical at the same time!): For example, do not sleep in the same room. And, finally, the most important thing: do not try to get his sympathy for you, fight any impulses in this direction, as this can contribute to a regression to the infantile personality. You should systematically reflect on changes in behavior and notice such situations in interpersonal relationships when you need to deal with infantile tendencies and replace them with other, more mature ones.

Elderly people

Homosexual men can treat men older than their age as a father: to be afraid of their power, to be too obedient in relations with them, to try to please them, or to rebel internally. In such cases, as usual, be aware of these behavioral characteristics and try to replace them with new ones. Be humorous (for example, you can over-dramatize your inner “little boy”) and have the courage to make a difference. In the same way, homosexual men can treat mature women as “mothers” or “aunts”. His inner child may begin to play the role of a “boy-boy”, a dependent child, a capricious boy, or an “enfant terrible” who may not openly oppose his mother’s desires, but at every opportunity tries to quietly avenge her domination over him causing her to provoke. "Spoiled child" infantily enjoys the favor of his mother, her protection and indulgence to all his quirks. Similar behavior can be projected onto other women. Homosexual men who marry can expect such an attitude from their wives, still remaining “boys” in need of pampering, protection, domination or support from the mother’s figure, while continuing to recoup on her for her “dominance” ", Real or imaginary.

Women prone to homosexuality can treat mature men as their father, and project on him infantile aspects of their relationship with their father. It seems to them that men are not interested in them, or are dominant or detached. Sometimes such women belong to mature men, as to “friends”, “to their guys”. Children's reactions of disobedience, disrespect, or familiarity are transferred from the figure of the father to other men. For some women, the “masculine” manner of self-affirmation is caused by a desire to meet the expectations of their father. Perhaps the father subconsciously pushed his daughter to the role of a “successful guy”, respecting her not so much for her feminine qualities as for her achievements; or, during her youth, her father emphasized the achievements of her brothers, and the girl began to imitate the behavior of the brothers.

Parents

“Intra-child” stops in its development at the level of infantile feelings, opinions and behavior, even if the parents have long been dead. A homosexual man often continues to fear his father, remains uninterested in him or rejects him, but at the same time seeks his approval. His attitude towards his father can be expressed by the words: “I do not want to have anything in common with you”, or: “I will not follow his instructions, your instructions, if you will not treat me with due respect. Such a man can remain his mother’s favorite, refusing to be an adult in relation to her and to his father. There are two ways to solve this problem. First, accept your father as such and conquer your antipathy towards him and desire to avenge him. On the contrary, show any signs of attention towards him and demonstrate interest in his life. Secondly, refuse the intervention of the mother in your life and from its infantilization of you. You must do it gently, but persistently. Do not let her tyrannize you with excessive affection or concern for you (if this is present in your situation). Do not contact her too often for advice and do not let her solve issues that you can solve on your own. Your goal is twofold: to break the negative relationship with your father, and too “positive” with your mother. Become an independent, grown-up son of your parents who treats them well. Ultimately, this will lead to a deeper affection for your father, and you will feel your belonging to him, as well as, possibly, a greater distance in relations with your mother, which will add to this relationship, however, more truthfulness. Sometimes the mother hinders the building of new relationships and tries to regain her former childhood attachment. However, in the final analysis, it is usually inferior, and relations generally become less oppressive and more natural. Do not be afraid to lose your mother and do not be afraid of emotional blackmail on her part (as it happens in some cases). You will have to “lead” the mother in these relationships (while remaining her loving son), and not bypass her.

Homosexually oriented women often have to overcome the tendency to reject their mother and change their dislikes or emotional distance. Here also a good method would be the manifestation of signs of attention that are usual for a daughter who is interested in her mother. And above all, try to accept it, with all its complex or unpleasant features, without reacting to them too dramatically. To the “inner child,” on the contrary, it is common to reject everything that comes from a parent in whose love he lacks. You can distance yourself from the fact that the parent cannot be changed, while this does not hinder a mature person to love and accept this parent, recognizing himself as his child. After all, you are the flesh of his flesh, you represent the gender of your parents. A sense of belonging to both parents is a sign of emotional maturity. Many lesbian women need to break free of their bond with their father. Such women need to learn not to give in to their father’s desire to treat her like their male friend and not to strive for the achievements he expects from her. She should get rid of the identification imposed on her with her father, adhering to the principle "I want to be the woman that I am and your daughter, not a surrogate son." A powerful “method” in building healthy relationships with parents is forgiveness. Often we cannot forgive immediately and completely.

However, in a certain situation, we may decide to forgive right away, for example, when we recall some features of our parents' behavior or their attitude towards us. Sometimes forgiveness is accompanied by an internal struggle, but usually it ultimately gives relief, fills relationships with parents with love, and removes blocks of communication. In a sense, forgiveness is tantamount to ending internal “whimpering” and complaints about one’s own parents. However, there is also a moral side to forgiveness, which is why it is much deeper. It also includes the cessation of self-flagellation. In addition, forgiving means not just changing the attitude, but to be true, it must include some actions and actions.

Yet it is not only a matter of forgiveness. If you analyze your infantile attitude towards parents, you will see that you yourself were the reason for the negative attitude towards you, and you also lack love for them. When changing relationships, you may need to have an open conversation about your problems in order to forgive them and ask them for forgiveness.

Establishing relationships with members of the opposite sex; marriage

This is the final step in changing your life - from the feelings and behavior of an "unmanly boy" or "unfeminine girl" to the feelings and behavior of a normal man or a normal woman. A man should stop expecting women his age to protect, pamper, or treat him like a child, and step out of the role of his sisters' naive brother, who is not required of masculinity or male leadership. He also needs to overcome his fear of women, the fear of the "poor child" who cannot enter the role of a man in any way. Being a man means taking responsibility and leadership for a woman. This means not allowing the mother-woman to dominate, but rather, when necessary, to be a leader and make joint decisions. It is not uncommon for the initiative to marry a homosexual man to come from his wife, although it would be more natural for a man to conquer a woman. Usually a woman wants to be desired and conquered by her lover.

A woman with a homosexual complex should defeat the infantile rejection of the female role in herself and accept with all my heart the leading role of a man. Feminists consider this a sinful opinion, but in fact, an ideology that equalizes gender roles is so unnatural that future generations will most likely regard it as a perversion of a decadent culture. The differences between male and female roles are innate, and people struggling with their homosexual inclinations should return to these roles.

Heterosexual feelings come only if the sensation of one's own masculinity or femininity is restored. However, one should not “train” in heterosexuality, as this can enhance low self-esteem: “I must prove my masculinity (femininity).” Try not to enter into a more intimate relationship with a representative of the opposite sex, if you are not in love and do not feel an erotic attraction to this person. However, for a person getting rid of homosexuality, sometimes (though not always) the real process can take several years. In general, it is better to wait than to enter into premature marriage. Marriage is not the main goal in the fight for normal sexuality, and events should not be rushed here.

For many supporters of homosexuality, marriage causes mixed feelings of hatred and envy, and such people become furious as soon as they hear that one of their heterosexual friends is getting married. They feel like outsiders who are in many ways inferior to their friends. And while they are “children” or “teenagers,” it is really difficult for them to understand much in the relationship between a man and a woman. Nevertheless, gradually getting rid of their neurosis, people with homosexual inclinations begin to realize the dynamics of the relationship between a man and a woman and accept the fact that they themselves can become part of this adult world of men and women.

In conclusion, I want to say: never use the other in order to assert itself in the emerging heterosexual orientation. If you want to survive the novel just to make sure of your own (developing) heterosexuality, there is a real risk of falling into infantilism again. Do not enter into an intimate relationship until you are sure that this is mutual love, including erotic affection, but not limited to it; and such a love in which you both decided to be faithful to each other. And this means that you choose choose another person not for yourself, but for his own sake.

Source