Indaba engagwegwesi yowayengungqingili, echaza impilo yansuku zonke “yezitabane” ezijwayelekile - izigebengu ezingapheli, ukuxega kanye nezifo ezihambisana nazo, amakilabhu, izidakamizwa, izinkinga zamathumbu aphansi, ukucindezeleka kanye nokuququda, umuzwa onganeliseki wokunganeliseki nesizungu, kusukela okuwukuziphatha okubi kanye ne-Datura enikeza kuphela ukuphumula kwesikhashana. Lokhu kulandisa kuqukethe imininingwane enyanyekayo yezenzo zobungqingili nemiphumela yazo, okushiya insalela yendle ecasulayo ngokungangabazeki ezoba nzima kumfundi ovamile. Ngesikhathi esifanayo, badlulisela konke ngokunembile sokuhlakaza ububi bokuphila kobungqingili buqhathaniswa nokuhlanza umbala wethanga. Ibonisa iqiniso elibuhlungu lobungqingili besilisa njengoba linjalo ngempela - umkhonyovuongenangqondo futhi ongenamusa. “Ukuba yisitabane” ekugcineni kusho ukuhlupheka nobuhlungu okucijwe ku-ukumbiwa kwegazi negazi, kunokuba kubambelele ezandleni zabafana abanamehlo amakhulu e-kawaii yoyoynyh inganekwane yabalandeli.

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E-1989, ngafika esifundeni esidumile somhlaba wonke eCostro eSan Francisco ngiseyinsizwa ebilahliwe cishe yeminyaka eyi-19. Ngakhula ngizingelwa futhi nginesizungu futhi ngangifuna ekugcineni ukuba yingxenye yento. Cishe kusukela ekuqaleni kobusha, abanye abafana esikoleni banginqaba. Ngenkathi ngaphansi kwethonya le-testosterone benza igxathu ngokunqobayo emisebenzini yobudoda ethe xaxa, njengemidlalo enobudlova nemidlalo, ngahlala nginamahloni futhi nginqabile. Njengoba amazwi abo ayekhula futhi ezethemba ngokwengeziwe, izwi lami lahlala licashile futhi lixakile ngokuxakile. Njengoba bekhula futhi bekhula baba namandla, ngaba namandla ngokwengeziwe futhi ngilingile. Abesilisa abasebasha be-alpha, njengomthetho, bebehamba phambili ebholeni futhi ngokungenakuphikiswa babe ngabaholi ezikhathi zekhefu kanye nezifundo zemfundo yezomzimba. Bebehlala bekuhleka usulu ukuntula kwami ​​ikhono kwezemidlalo futhi bekhombisa ngokuzwakalayo ukungabi nalutho kwami ​​ngokuphelele. Akekho owayefuna ukungiyisa eqenjini labo. Ngangihlala ngingowokugcina ngokuzenzakalelayo, noma ngabe akhethwe amantombazane amancane kunami.

Kwakukhona abanye abafana abangohlobo lweportsman ekilasini lami - ngokweqile noma ngamafushane kakhulu, ababephathwa ngendlela efanayo. Kepha bangaguqula ukwenqaba libe yinzuzo ngokuzihlazisa okuhlekisayo noma ukuhlekisa ngami noma omunye umuntu. Angikwazanga ukwenza lokho. Bengihlala ngithambekele ekuthatheni yonke into enhliziyweni futhi ngikhathazeke nganoma isiphi isimangaliso. Umntwana owayebanesihluku futhi ongacabangi ngokujwayelekile wabafana wayenonya kimi ngamabomu. Ngaso leso sikhathi, lapho benqaba futhi behlekisa ngami, kulapho ngafuna khona ukuthola indawo phakathi kwabo. Imicabango yami yobuntwana yaqala ukujikeleza nge-superhero enomusa engithatha njengomlingani wayo. Ngemuva kwesikole, ngagijimela ekhaya ukuyobuka uBatman futhi ngazethula njengoRobin. Kuyaphawuleka ukuthi kuze kube namuhla, imicabango ye-homoerotic ngeBatman noRobin isakazekile esikweni lesitabane.

Lapho ngifika eSan Francisco, ngangisenenhloni, ngingciphile futhi nginenkani, kodwa ngasheshe ngathola ukuthi amadoda afuna ukuba nami. Lapha Umzimba womfana wawuyinzuzo ecacile. Umfana, okungekho muntu owayefuna eqenjini lakhe, waba yintandokazi. Kwakungekho sidingo sokuba kude, kwakudinga amandla athembisayo kuphela, ukukhuthazela nokulungela ukungathandabuzi. Ngokungafani nobuntwana bethu obelahlekile, kwakukhona abantu lapha ababezimisele ukusiqeqesha futhi basihole. Cishe ngamunye wethu wayenesithandwa sokuqala esidala, esinolwazi futhi esinokuqiniseka okwengeziwe. Ngokubona kwethu, basiphelezela baye ezweni lamadoda, lapho sasihlala sizizwa sihlukanisiwe. Futhi njengoba kwenzeka, bakwenza lokhu ngosizo lwezocansi.

Ngalobo busuku bokuqala lapho ngingena emgqeni wami wokuqala wezitabane, ngangisekungavikeleki okufanayo nengane enamahloni ngokuphelelwa yithemba. Bengingazi ukuthi ngenzeni. Ukuhlangenwe nakho kwami ​​kuphela nezwe lamadoda eliya ocansini lalilinganiselwe ekubukeni izithombe zobulili ezingcolile, futhi ngangikhangwa yilezi zithombe. Kwakunokuhleleka okuyisisekelo nokuyisiko kukho konke okwakhonjiswa lapho - okudala kwabadala, okuncanyana nabancane, okuhlangenwe nakho kwabangazi lutho. Abantu abavuthiwe nabanesibindi kakhulu bebelokhu benikelwa ebudodeni ngabangenalwazi nabangenawo umzimba omncane wokuthakazelela.

Kusukela ku-porn, ngangikwazi cishe engingakulindela. Ngabona amafilimu anamagama ahlukanisayo afana nalawa: "Baba, kubuhlungu", "Kwanele, kubuhlungu" nokuthi "Kuzolimaza". Ngicabange ngoguquko lwami lokuya ebudodeni njengomkhosi wokuqalisa, naphakathi Inkinga yengculaza, njengamadoda kumasiko ezizwe okumele abekezelele ukuhlukunyezwa okuhlukahlukene ngokomzimba ukuze ahlanganyele umphakathi wamadoda, ngangikulungele ukubekezelela noma yini kule nqubo, ngize ngife.

I-denouement ku-gay porn ihlala ilala phakathi kwe-anal. Ucansi lwe-anal lunikeza ubungqingili besilisa ukusondelana okuthile. Umhlangano, ongabandakanyi okungenani ithuba lokubhalwa kwe-anal, ubukeka ungabalulekile futhi uyadlula kancane. Ithuba lokuhlanganiswa okunjalo lalilinga ngendlela emangalisayo, kepha ngacindezelwa amathuba okuthola ingculazi futhi ngenqaba ukubeka impilo yami engcupheni, yize ngangazi ukuthi angizukuphila ngize ngithole isibindi sokulalela.

Ngicabange kakhulu ngalokhu kwathi ngolunye usuku ngaya ekhemisi lasendaweni eseduze neCastro gay mecca, eligcwele izidakamizwa ezi-over-the-counter kanye ne-enemas yokuhlanza. Emahoreni alandelayo, ngadla okuncane kakhulu futhi ngaphuza i-laxative enamanzi amaningi. Ngakusasa ekuseni, lapho ngikhipha i-enema ephaketheni, bengingabaza. Ngethiphu yakhe ende, eyayinamafutha amaningi, wabukeka njengethuluzi lokuhlushwa.

Kwaphela imizuzu embalwa ngincike echibini elisendlini yangasese, ngancipha yonke imisipha yomzimba wami waze wangabekezelela. Uma ngibheka emuva, lokhu kimi kuwumkhuba wokuzihlanza ngaphambi komkhosi ngohlobo oluthile lwethempeli lamaqaba. Ngawuhlola umzimba wami ukuze ngiqale ukuzalwa kabusha, kepha akunandaba ukuthi ngangiziphoxela emgodini ngamanzi anosawoti, ngafana noLwandle Olufile eSodoma. Okwesikhashana ngangibhukuda ebusweni, kepha akukho lutho olwalungangisekela. Yayikhona kuphela ngenxa yayo.

Ngazizwa ngibuhlungu usuku lonke. Ngokuqondene nezocansi, ngokungafani ne-porn, akuzange kuthathe imizuzu engamashumi amabili kuya kwamashumi amathathu, konke kwakushesha kakhulu. Naphezu kwezinganekwane zomuntu onamandla wokuzimisela, ukuzinikezela kwakudinga izinhlungu, ukukhuthazela nokuzithoba. Umuzwa ovela emzamweni wamabomu wokuphumuza imisipha ye-sphincter, ngoba ukusebenza kwawo ngendlela efanele kuncike ekuzwaneni kwabo okuhlala njalo, bekumangalisa ngokumangazayo. Angikwazanga ukwenza lokho. Ekuzameni komzamo, isithandwa sami sabeka i-bong ngaphansi kwakhala lami. Ngadonsa ngokunqikanqika, futhi inhliziyo yami yaqala ukuphuma esifubeni sami.

Izinga lokusondela laliseduze kakhulu noma libanda kakhulu, kuya ngesimo sokuma nokubuka ngamehlo. Ngingcwaba ubuso bami engubeni, ngangesibindi sokubheka ebusweni bendoda engenhla kwami. Kwakungekho lutho oluhlangene. Eqinisweni, kwakuyi-caricature yesenzo somndeni, kepha ngangingeyena umuntu wesifazane, futhi anginaso isitho sangasese sowesifazane. Echweni lami lomzimba kwakungekho lutho olungashintshwa ekwamukeleni ubumba; kwakungekho lubrication yemvelo, futhi kwaba buhlungu ngaze ngayeka ukuzwa noma yini. Ngezikhathi ezithile, okuhlangenwe nakho kwakushisa futhi kukuhle. Esifisweni sethu sokuthola indlela yokuba nesibindi, sizithola sesibuyela ebusheni nasebukhumeni. Cishe amashumi amabili eminyaka ngemuva kokuqedwa kwalokhu kuziphatha, ihlaya elibi kakhulu ukuthi kwesinye isikhathi kufanele ngigqoke ama-diaper. Umfana owayefuna ukuba yindoda wanamathela esiteji sobuntwana.

Ukuzilolonga akuzange kuthuthukise lo msebenzi, futhi bekungabonakali kungokwemvelo nganoma iyiphi indlela. Akuzange kube lula. Iziqalo ezingapheli kanye nokuqhuma kwenza ucansi lubonakale lungumtholampilo futhi lucishe lukuzama. Okwesikhashana, nganginobungqingili obukhulu futhi ngimangazwa ukugeleza kwama-hormone ocansini lwabesifazane, isidingo sabo sothando nokubikezela kwangaphambili - into amadoda angama-gay azame ukuyisusa. Lokhu kufakazelwa ngamakhulu "emigodi yenkazimulo" engagunyaziwe eyembiwa ezingxenyeni zangasese zomphakathi eSan Francisco, ngokwenza ucansi olungenamagama nolungesilo olomuntu, olwenzeka nomaphi lapho kuvuleka khona umlomo ovulekile. Ukususwa kwenqubo yangaphambi kocansi kwabesifazane kulungiselela imizimba yabo ukungena kalula. Ayikho leyomishini ebandakanyekayo endunu yesilisa.

Ngesinye isikhathi ngangikhuthele kakhulu ezinqubweni zami zokuhlanza futhi ngazishisa ngosawoti. Abangani batusa i-enemas ehlukahlukene eyenziwe ekhaya, ngamanzi ne-baking soda. Okunye ukuncoma amanzi ne-aloe, futhi iresiphi emangazayo yayihlanganisa amanzi nekhofi esheshayo. Umngane omncane kunami, engimethembile ngokungenamibandela, wangikhiphela eceleni, futhi saba nengqondo eyinqayizivele yengxoxo phakathi kukababa nendodana. Ubuye wancoma udokotela omuhle we-proctologist futhi wachaza ukuhlukunyezwa kwakhe ngamakhambi angasebenzi kanye namafutha ahlukahlukene. Uchaze kabanzi ngobuhlungu obudalwa yi-vaseline fall on fissures anal.

Ama-laxatives kanye ne-enemas kanye kanye ngeviki asomise ulwelwesi olusondile lwe-rectum. Ngamunye ngathola izifo eziningi ezithathelwana ngocansi - kuqala i-rectal gonorrhea, bese ngibe chctydia chctydia. Benginokugqashuka, okuqale kungangikhathazi, ngoba isikhumba sami esibucayi sasingaphenduli kahle njalo kulamafutha asetshenzisiwe. Izithako ezikhethekile ezisetshenziswana nazo zazingenamsebenzi, futhi izilonda ezihlukumezayo namaqhubu kwaqala ukusabalala ngaphakathi. Isikhathi esithile ngangisaqhubeka nokwenza ucansi lwe-anal. Akekho obonakale sengathi uqaphela inkwanyana yami ebiyelwe kancane emigodini emnyama yokuhlangana kweSan Francisco, kuphela izinhlungu ezingabekezeleleki, futhi ngaphendukela emtholampilo wendawo. Ngabekwa imishanguzo enamandla. Isisu sami asizange sihambisane kahle nabo, futhi izinsuku eziningana ngaba nokuzwa izinhlungu nokuhuda okungapheli.

Okwesikhashana, ngacishe ngawuthola wonke lo mkhuba wokwabelana ngocansi lwe-anal, kodwa izinkinga zami zesikhumba zahamba futhi ngabuyela kuye. Ngasizathu simbe angikwazanga ukuyeka. Kwakuyamangaza ukuthi enye indoda engingena kuyo ingamenza kanjani umuzwa wokugcwala ukuze umzimba umenqabe. Kwakucishe kufane nokuthatha i-Ecstasy ngaphambi kobusuku be-rave nobulili. Ngazizwa umuthi usakazeka kimi Kula mahora aphusile, ngangingumuntu wami uqobo lwangaphakathi, umzimba wami kanye nomhlaba. Ngemuva kwalokho, ngilingisa ubulili nabantu besilisa, ngaphuka lapho ngithola ukuthi ngangisavaleleke ogibeni oludala lwe-anatomy yami. Masinyane inhliziyo yami i-melancholy yabuya, ngabe sengilandela ucingo ukuze ngingaxhase okuthile okuvela ngaphandle, noma ngabe alungeni.

Ekupheleni kweminyaka yama-1990, ngangingasekho mncane futhi ngizacile, futhi abafana abasha abafika eSan Francisco base behlukile kulabo ababefika ngaphambili. Babengenasibindi ngokwengeziwe. Kumalungu asindile esizukulwane sami, ungqimba oluncane lwenjoloba olwahlukanisa nezithandwa zabo lwalugqinsi njengodonga lwezitini. Ikhondomu ize ukuzomela isithiyo sokugcina phakathi kwabesilisa abathandana nobulili obufanayo nenhloso yabo yobudoda obungachazwanga. Ngiqaphele ukuthi bangaki abantu abashiya imiyalo engabhalwanga engcwele yocansi oluphephile cishe ubusuku bonke. Ngalezo zinsuku, ngokoqobo wonke umuntu wayebonakala enza ucansi olungavikelekile. Ngangimangele ngokuvuselelwa ngamabomu kwe-70s hedonism. Imigoqo yama-gay namaklabhu kudlale zonke izingoma zakudala zesikhathi sedisco. Kwakungokubuyela enkathini yegolide yenkululeko yezocansi.

Kodwa-ke, umkhumbi wegolide oyigugu wamaphupho ethu wasinye futhi isithembiso. Kungazelelwe, wonke umuntu owayengizungeze waqala ukugula. Leli gciwane lithinte kakhulu labo ababesemncane ngokwanele ukuseshwa ngocansi. Babhekane nobunzima obuningi kule nqubo kuphela ukuze bangenwe yigciwane lesandulela ngculazi nazo zonke izinhlobo zamagciwane angena amathuba, badumazeke baphelelwe yithemba. Kuze kube namuhla, inani elikhulu “lama-gay” atheleleke ngegciwane lengculazi iminyaka yobudala 25 - iminyaka ye-34.

Ukugqabhuka okulindelekile kwe-harmonic, okwakufanele kwenzeke ngokuxhumana kwesikhumba, akuzange kugqame. Abantu abadala abaningi abalahlekelwe abayeni babo nabathandi babo ngenxa yengculazi kwi-80 futhi sebesazi isiko lama-gay saunas, okwaholela ekufeni kwabantu abaningi, kancane kancane bafulathela ekuwohlokeni futhi bahlala ekudingisweni ngaphesheya kweCastro. Ngokwezinga elikhulu, bakha iqembu elalizogxila emshadweni wobulili obufanayo. Okwesikhashana bengingomunye wabo futhi ngahlala ngiyaneliswa yisithandwa esisodwa. Kepha ubungqingili besilisa akukaze kube yinkolo yokuthanda uNkulunkulu oyedwa. Umphakathi wezitabane uyisisekelo sezindawo ezihlukene ezakhiwe ngaphakathi kwemigoqo, ama-saunas, futhi manje kwizicelo zenethiwekhi ye-geosocial, lapho izinkulungwane zezithombe zamakhanda angenamakhanda ziqala ukubukeka njengezicucu zemabula zama-demigods asendulo amaGrikhi nawaseRoma. Kodwa onkulunkulu abathandana nobungqingili bayisithembu sawonkulunkulu abaningi bamanga, ngamunye wabo othembisa ngomusa kubakhulekeli.

Isithandwa sami engangihlala kuso sasiyi-altare engangiguqa kulo izikhathi eziningana, kodwa isikhathi ngasinye ngangifuna ukusukuma ngihambe ngoba imithandazo yami yokugcwaliseka kwangaphakathi yayingaphendulwa. I-Sodomy, nokungahlanzeki kwayo, isiphenduke umsebenzi onzima kakhulu futhi oyisicefe, ngokuvamile odinga umsebenzi wezandla onzima ukuze uqedele umsebenzi. Lapho onkulunkulu abayizitabane bengena emzimbeni womunye umuntu, kwenzeka ukuhlanganyela kwegazi okungamanga, okungalethi ukukhululwa. Ukwehla nokwenyuka kokulindelwe kudinga uhambo olungapheli lokuya ezweni ngaphandle kwe-Holy Sepulcher. Ukukhulekela kuyashesha ukuvilapha futhi kumile ngaphansi kwesisindo sempilo yansuku zonke edumazayo. Ukungabi khona komuntu omfunayo kubuhlungu kabuhlungu. Ngenxa yalokho, ukusondelana ngokomzimba ngokuvamile kubangelwa ukushaya indlwabu nobulili bomlomo. Ngikhathele ukukhipha izinwele zami zomlomo njalo ebusuku. Umzuzu wethu okhethekile wokukhululana wenzeke ngokuhlukana, lapho ubuso bomuntu bugqitshwe egodini lomunye. Lokhu kuvame kakhulu phakathi kwalokho okubizwa ngokuthi “izithandani ezithandana nobulili obubodwa,” okwadala umqondo wokuthi “f*ck buddies,” echaza abalingani bocansi lapho umbhangqwana uvumelana khona ukuze ube nobuhlobo obuvulekile kuyilapho behlala bekhethekile ngokomzwelo komunye nomunye. Kwesinye isikhathi umlingani oyedwa akazi ukuthi omunye uya nini e-sauna noma evula iphrofayili ku-Grindr. Angisoze ngamkhohlwa umngane wami oseduze owayekhathazeke ngokungapheli ngokuziphatha kwami ​​budedengu, owashona kamuva ngemva kokushintsha izithandani ezimbalwa, ethole i-HIV kumlingani ongathembekile.

Imfihlakalo yengculazi ibingijabulisa njalo futhi iyaqhubeka kuze kube namuhla. Kwakungathi isidoda asinandawo lapho singaya khona futhi singenakwenza lutho, futhi ekukhungathekeni kwabo bajikisa labo ababusebenzisa kabi, babangela ukugula nokufa.

Ngemuva kweminyaka eminingi kangaka nginezikweletu ezithile, ngahlushwa ukopha futhi ngaphuma ama-hemorrhoids. Ngazama ukuselapha ngezidakamizwa nezitolo zesitolo. Ngelinye ilanga ngahlangana nabangane esidlweni sakusihlwa, lapho ngokungazelelwe indawo enkulu enamafutha yasakazeka ngemuva kwebhulukwe lami, ngokunganakile kimi. Wonke umuntu wayekuqonda okwakwenzeka futhi akazange asho lutho, kodwa kwakuhlaza. Kamuva, isazi se-proctologist sancoma ukuhlinzwa. Ngenqaba.

Izinkinga ezihlala zikhona ngale ndawo yomzimba wami zangenza ngaba yinkimbinkimbi ngokwengeziwe, futhi lokhu kwandisa inkinga. Ngaphatha i-rectum njengesitho sangasese sowesifazane, futhi ngomqondo othile, yaqala ukuziphatha kanjalo. Isibonelo, iphunga lalihlala liyinkinga ngesikhathi sobulili obuhlangene, futhi umuntu othile wasikisela ukusebenzisa isifutho sobufazi esinjenge-Summer Eve. Lokhu kwasebenza isikhashana, kepha lapho-ke izinhlungu zaba nzima kakhulu. Ibhalansi esetshenziselwa i-acid ye-rectum yethu yayifana nasichibi lase-Arizona elahliwe elinamanzi aluhlaza agcwele izibungu zomlobi. Okunye okukhathazayo njalo ukuthi kungenzeka kwaba yini okuthiwa "miss" ngesikhathi sex. Ngizizwile izindaba zilandiswa njalo ngendlela enobuhlakani, ngesikweletu esilivila esingathathi izinyathelo zokuphepha ezidingekayo. Ngesinye isikhathi, ngesikhathi socansi ngaphandle kwekhondomu nesoka lami, ngavele ngezwa umuzwa omubi wokusha. Ngakhipha isilungu ngathola ukuthi imbozwe izindunduma. Ngalobo busuku konke kwaphela kimi.

Ngihlushwe uchungechunge lwezifo zemvubelo yakudala izikhathi eziningana. Ngangihlale nginethemba lokuthi kwakungokunye futhi ngangifuna ukunakekelwa kwezokwelapha kuphela lapho kwase kwephuze kakhulu. Ubuhlungu babungabekezeleleki. Ukulunywa okungapheli nokunwaya kwenze isikhumba sami saba bomvu futhi saba buhlungu. Umzimba wami wawukhipha njalo uketshezi oluvuthayo, olwalucasula izicubu ezizungezile. Imvamisa, lapho ama-antibiotic ayengakaqali ukusebenza, ngangifaka ama-maxi pads abesifazane ngaphakathi kwengubo yangaphansi. Ekuqaleni nganginamahloni ngaze umngane wangitshela ngesithandwa sakhe - indoda engangiyibheka njengesibonelo sobudoda obunonya. Yize okwamanje ebewusizo kuphela, yena, njengomakhi womzimba obalulekile, bekufanele agqoke amanabukeni abantu abadala ejimini ngoba ubekwenza ngokunganaki ngenxa yokuzikhandla.

Kodwa-ke, angizange ngihlale ngingenawo amandla, ngaphandle kokuthi ukuhlanza umzimba njalo ngokudla futhi i-enemas icasule ingxenye engezansi yomgudu wami wokugaya ukudla, okwenza lokho okuthiwa yi-proctologist akubiza nge-spastic colitis. Ngangihlala ngidwengulwa phakathi kokuqunjelwa kanzima nemikhaza ebuhlungu eholela ekuxhakathisweni kwengqubu okungabekezeleleki. Ukwenza isimo sibe sibi kakhulu, ukusikwa ngezikhathi kwendawo ye-anal kwenze isikhumba saba nolaka futhi satholwa izifo.

Kwakunempi eqhubekayo phakathi kwesakhiwo somzimba wami nalokho engangifuna ukukwenza ngakho. Kubukeka kimi sengathi bengiqonda ukuthi ngilahlekile, kepha noma kunjalo, ngangihlala ngithola induduzo kubangane ababenezinkinga ezifanayo nasenjabulweni yomphakathi onobungqingili bedansa kuzo zonke izinhlekelele nokugula. Saqhubeka nokuthola izinduku, kepha isikhathi ngasinye sasifika sime ngezinyawo. Kwenye yezingoma zokugcina engizizwe eklabhini yezitabane, ngacula:

Isizungu sami siyangibulala
kodwa ngiyavuma ngisakholelwa ...

Bengisakholelwa ukuthi ngandlela thile izinto zizoshintsha ngokuhlukile. Yize bengingakholelwa impela ekuhambeni kovuko, ngikhumbule abangane bami asebeshonile, bengicabanga ukuthi baphumule ekwamukelweni okungapheli okuvele kuye ngokudabukisayo ngesikhathi sokuphila. Kwesinye isikhathi bengicabanga ukuthi lokhu kumbambela okuphakade kumelela ukunqoba ukufa. Kwakuqala ukungithanda.

Ngaphambi kokuthi ngiphume endlini kusihlwa, ngaqala inqubo yokuhlanza, ngabe sengihlala phansi ngasendlini yangasese ngacindezelwa okungenani imizuzu embalwa. Ama-hemorrhoid ami anda kakhulu. Waqala ukuphuma, futhi i-rectum yethu yaqala ukuphuma. Ngenxa yalokho, ngangopha igazi ngayo yonke inyambo yamathumbu. Ngabona ukuthi ukuba nenxeba elivulekile emzimbeni wami kungenze ngaba sengozini yokutheleleka nge-HIV. Lapho-ke angikwazanga ukuqonda ukuthi elinye, icishe inxeba elingabonakali elingihlukumeze kusukela ebuntwaneni yilo elibhekele isimo esinzima engangizithola siso. Ngaleso sikhathi, ngangigula kaningi kangangokuba nganginesiqiniseko sokuthi sengivele nginegciwane.

Ngabe sengingena ohlwini lwabangesabi, abasha nabangenalwazi, abanesizungu nabadakiwe, okungenzeka ukuthi abanalo i-HIV.”izikhwama” nalabo asebengenwe yileli gciwane. Kula maqembu, ukuzenzisa ukuya ocansini oluphephile kungenzeka ukuthi kwakungekho nhlobo, noma umkhathi wawujabule kakhulu futhi ushube kakhulu ukuthi noma ubani amise futhi avule iphakethe lamakhondomu. Ngokwengxenye enkulu, izakhamuzi zaleli zwe zaziwathatha ngokungathi sína amaphupho azo obulili. Iningi, njengami, kwakungamadoda ayevele acime umgwaqo wezitini ophuzi angene kunoma iyiphi indlela eseceleni. Asizange sithole ingxenye yesibindi sesibindi kumthakathi wase-Emerald City, ngoba sazalelwa ukuba "abesifazane" kanye "nobuthakathaka". Asikwazanga ukuya ekhaya, ngakho sahlubuka ekulimaleni kwethu futhi safuna ukuphulukiswa ngaphakathi kwethu.

Abalandeli ababedinwe kakhulu yilabo abaphupha ngokuthola leli gciwane kumnikeli one-HIV. Ukungabikhona ngokuphelele kokucabanga ngokusebenzisa ubulili bobungqingili kushiye umuzwa ongazwisisi wokungaphili kubo bonke abahilelekile. Ukubuyiselwa kwemali kwakubandakanya ukwethula inhlayiya ekhokhisiwe ku-semen, ebingakwazi ukuwela ulwelwesi lweseli ngalinye, kushintshe unomukeli ngokuphelele. Lokhu kwaba umphumela odabukisayo wenguqulo engathandeki kahle, lapho, njengejaha, ngazama ukufeza ubuqotho ngocansi namanye amadoda. Lokho akukaze kwenzeke. Ngokudumala, ukubhekakade kubhekisisa ukuthola injongo ejulile yobulili bobungqingili kuyaqala, ngophenyo oluqhubekayo ngamathuba amakhulu.

Ukubaluleka kokusebenzisa ikhondomu ngesikhathi sokuya ocansini kwakukhohlakala kalula e-olumbeni lwezocansi. Kwenzeka into efanayo nangokunconywa kokusetshenziswa kwamafutha okugcotshwa. Ngokuya ngendawo nangesimo akuso, amadoda amaningi angongqingili aphendukela kuwo amathe akho ukulungiselela ukungena. Ngokufiphala, amathe ayaba futhi anamathe, futhi ama-enzyme ayo wokugaya ukudla azizwe sengathi akhiqiza ungqimba lwesikhumba esithambile ku-anus. Ngaphezu kwalokho, umkhuba wokuqala we-anilingus ungabeka amadoda angqingili ezifweni ezithile zokuhlaselwa yisifo esidala noma isifo sohudo esingamahlalakhona esibizwa ngokuthi shigellosis.

Isikhathi esithile, ngaphandle kokwazi, ngangenwa isifo se-chlamydial emphinjeni. Izimpawu zami eziwukuphela komkhuhlane omncane kanye nomphimbo obuhlungu, engangikuthatha ngenxa yokubanda komkhuhlane. Emva kwalokho ngaba nokubi thoratatitis uqobofuthi izinhlungu zaba zimbi. Kwakungathi amathoni ami ayebhakwa njalo ngemuva kwentamo yami.

Ekuqaleni kwenkinga yengculazi, intatheli evelele I-Randy Shields wabikezela uhlobo lokuphazamiseka kokugcina ukushisa emhlabeni wezitabane, okubangelwa ukungabi bikho komphumela wokuqothula abesifazane kanye nokuchichima okweqile kwe-testosterone, okudala izimo zokuphindaphindeka kobuningi, okuholela ekubulaweni kwabo bonke labo ababandakanyekayo:

"Akukho lutho ku-subculture yesitabane engalinganisa amanani obudoda nje, atholakala edakiwe njenganoma yisiphi iso sangasese sangasese engakaze sicabange ngaso. Ukuziphatha okubi kudlangile, ngoba ekucwaningweni okubandakanya abesilisa kuphela, akekho ongasho ukuthi cha. Akekho onendima eyidlalayo efana naleyo yowesifazane esimweni esingafani nobungqingili. Abanye besilisa abathandana nabobulili obuhlukile bavumile ukuthi bazojabula ngombono wokuya ocansini osheshayo, olutholakalayo, noma ongaziwa olunikezwa ngama-gay saunas uma nje bengathola abesifazane abazimisele ukwenza kanjalo. Yebo, izitabane ziyavuma kaningi. ”

Ngobunye ubusuku obubandayo basebusika ngangizihlalele ngedwa egumbini lami futhi ngangingakwazi ukuphumula. Ngabheka ngefasitela eCastro Theatre futhi ngabona ifulegi elikhulu lothingo elintweza emoyeni. Ngakhumbula ukuthi eminyakeni eyi-10 eyedlule ngaqala kanjani ukuzungeza igquma eDivisidero futhi ngabona ukubonwa kwamadoda amaningi angama-gay ahamba engenazo ihembe, ezethembile futhi aziqhenyayo. Lolu suku belufudumele futhi luhle ngokungavamile. Imibala ekhanyayo yefulegi ivelele njengebhande elibhekene nesibhakabhaka esingenamafu, esibhakabhaka esiluhlaza okwesibhakabhaka. Kungishaqisile, ngoba phakathi nenkinga yengculazi, bengicishe ngilindele ukuba semabhayisikobho amnyama namhlophe amabi anezifo ezine-HIV ezilinde mina ukuba angizingele futhi adle inyama yami. ... Kepha nganginezinketho ezimbalwa. Bekumele ngabe ngiyibeke engcupheni, ngibeke impilo yami emgqeni isikhashana sothando, noma ngishiywe ngedwa ingunaphakade. Lokhu kwakungacabangeki. Ukufa kwakukhetha ukuphika imizwa yami. Ngicindezele isiphongo sami engilazini ebandayo yefasitela, ngabona ukuthi emva kweminyaka, ngangizele umbuthano ogcwele. Ngingacabanganga, ngangena endlini yangasese ngangena ngaphansi kosinki lapho ngangikhona khona ama-enemas. Ngalolo suku ngangineyokugcina. Ngahlala ethoyilethi ngakhala. Bengingazi ukuthi ngenzani, kepha noma ngabe kuyini, bengingafuni ukukwenza. Ngaleso sikhathi, ngazizwa ngiphoqelekile futhi ngacishe ngakwazi ukunquma ngezenzo zami. Ngezwa izwi ekhanda lami lithi, "Awudingi ukwenza lokhu," kepha umzimba wami wawulawulwa kude.

Ngiphumele ngaphandle, ngaphenduka ikona futhi ngabhekisa ikilabhu engiyithandayo yobulili. Lapho ngisemusha eSan Francisco, ngangikhuluma namanye amadoda kuphela endaweni yokulinda imigoqo yama-gay nama-disc. Angitholi ukwaneliseka, ngangifuna ukuthandaza eNgcwelengcwele. Ngikhethe iklabhu yezocansi, engadlula kuyo izikhathi ezingamakhulu, kodwa angizange ngilinge ukuya. Emnyango ongemuva kwengilazi yezinhlamvu kwakuhleli unogada obhalwe uphawu lwenhlamvu enobuso betshe. Ngiyethemba ukuthi wayeyi-harbinger yobudoda ngaphakathi. Lapho nje sengikhokha ukuvuma ukungena futhi ngingena emnyango, ebumnyameni kuqhamuke umsizi wesifazane ngaphandle kwendawo. Wayenenkani futhi enamzimba njengentombazane. Ukuthamba kwalo kwakuyisikhumbuzo esinyanyekayo nesingathandeki sokuqothuka kwengane kanye nokuqhakaza kwangaphambi kokubeletha. Ngendlela eyinqaba, wangikhumbuza ngokungakwazi kwezitabane ukukhiqiza inzalo. Wayewuphawu lwesiphithiphithi. Sasithanda amadoda abukeka njengamadoda. Kwakunemithetho eqinile kusiko labesilisa abayizitabane, futhi Hudula ama-quins babebhekwa njengabaphumelele ngokujabulisayo uma bebukeka njengabobulili obuhlukile [kepha ababukeka njengabesifazane impela]. Unginike ikhondomu kanye nesikhwama esinjenge-ketchup esinjenge-grease. Ngiphonsa isikhwama sami egunjini lokukhiya futhi ngaqhubeka nokuhambahamba egumbini, ngigqoke ngokuphelele. Nginga Bonke abanye babehamba ze noma begqoke ithawula elimhlophe kuphela okhalweni. Umsizi ongena fomu weza kimi weza kimi wangikhuza ngenxa yokungazi kwami. Wayala: “Anikwazi ukuhamba lapha ngezingubo. Ngibuyele egumbini elicishiwe futhi ngakhumula konke.

Ukuhlelwa kweklabhu kwakunezigaba eziningi ezakhiwe ngendlela engajwayelekile, eziba mnyama lapho ziqhubeka zijula. Ukuhlobisa kwakuhlanganisa zonke izingcezwana zamadoda: i-chrome ebunjiwe, imicamelo emnyama ye-vinyl kanye nama-murals anama-bodybuilders. Izindawo ezingaphambili zaziyizo ezibanzi kakhulu, ngemuva kwakungamakamelo angenalutho angenidwebo mnyama. Kuqala ngangihlala endaweni yebha, eyavula ikamelo lokugezela elenziwe ngoqobo kanye ne-sauna. Lezi kwakuyizigaba zemidlalo yaseshashalazini, lapho, njengasemakamelweni ahlukene, izitabane zabuyisa ubunzima bokuhlukumezeka kwengane, lapho ukuhlekisa okungahambi kahle ngemuva kwezifundo zemfundo yezomzimba ngandlela thile kuvuselelwa ngale ndlela yokwelashwa kweqembu. Lapha, okungenani ubusuku obubodwa, ukudideka kwengane kwacishe kwaphela, kepha ngasikhathi sinye isikhundla sabaphathi abasoqobo sesikole sagcinwa, lapho umxhwele ngokwasemzimbeni wasala ungowokuqala. Ukwenqatshwa kwakukhona, kepha kwakucashile, futhi wonke umuntu, ngisho nesagugi futhi esegugile, wayengathola umlingani. Esimweni esibi kakhulu, emakamelweni angemuva kufakelwa amadoda abedinga kuphela umzimba wesilisa onegazi eligeleza emithanjeni yawo. Akukho lutho olujule ngokwanele. Njengama-dildos amade ahlekisayo athengiswa kuzo zonke izitolo zocansi zobungqingili, akukho okungangena ngaphakathi futhi kuthinte kulimale ngempela. Ngakhumbula umngani wami owayenamakhono amangalisayo we ukuqhuma. Wayephupha ukuthi luzofika usuku lapho ayokwamukela khona indoda engenhla kwesondo. Kwakucishe kube ukwakhiwa okungaziwa komhlatshelo wesintu wama-Aztec, lapho umpristi angena khona emzimbeni futhi akhipha inhliziyo esashayayo yesisulu esingesihle.

Ubulili bezitabane buyingxube yenjabulo nokuhlukunyezwa. Uhlobo lokuzishaya lapho izilonda ezisanda kuvela zingapholi, futhi asebekhulile bavame ukukhohlwa. Ukuphelelwa yithemba, yonke into iba uhlobo lwe-melodrama eyinhlekelele: amadoda ayaboshwa futhi ahlukunyezwe, njengasemdlalweni wokulingisa ocansini obonisa ukufel 'ukholo kobuKristu bokuqala. Umehluko kuphela ukuthi inkululeko ayenzeki ngokuhlupheka okuhlawulelayo, ngakho-ke wonke umuntu uya kude.

Ngaphuma egumbini lokugeza ngaya engxenyeni enkulu ebekelwe izinsimbi namabhentshi ahlukahlukene okuqeqesha. Umbala ophuzi wesibhamu wezindonga wawunjenge Isitolo somshini noma igalaji. Le ndawo ishiywe uhhafu, kepha bekunephunga elikhethekile, eliqukethe inhlanganisela yomoya onamathelayo, onomswakama ovela egumbini lokugezela noswidi ovela emakhoneni ajulile ekilabhu. Lokhu kwakudida futhi kudakwa, okuletha phambili izinkumbulo ezase zingcwatshwe kudala zazo zonke izindawo zamadoda lapho ngangixoshelwe khona unomphela. Njengoba ngingumfana ongavikelekile, bobabili ngangibheke phambili futhi ngesaba igumbi labakhiqizi bekilabhu yokubhukuda, lapho umndeni wami wayevame ukuvakasha ehlobo. Injongo yami bekungekhona nje ukubheka indoda enqunu; injabulo yayiwukuba phakathi kwabantu. Lokhu bekungaphezulu kokulingene ukucacisa intengo yokufaka i-sauna noma i-disco gay. Eqinisweni, sasikulungele ukukhokha noma yini.

Ngadonsa umoya futhi, ngiqhutshwa ukugijima kwe-adrenaline kanye nesifiso sokuba yingxenye, ngajoyina udwendwe olunesizotha lwamadoda abehamba ndawana thize. “Le ndawo” yayifihlwe ebumnyameni obuphelele. Ngikwazile ukwenza uhlaka olungacacile olufana nezinhlobo zabantu. Ngaphambili ngangingakwazi ukubona ibhentshi elingunxande elikhanyisiwe kalufifi, elalimbozwe ngento emnyama njengephansi. Encike phezu kwebhentshi, amadoda amaningana anqunu ayeguqe. Angizange ngiwabone amakhanda noma ubuso, izinqe zawo eziphakanyisiwe nje. Ngama nginganyakazi imizuzwana. Nakhu. Ngase ngifinyelele umvuthwandaba wezifiso zami ezijulile. Isiphetho sangempela sazo zonke izitabane ukuthi ziguqe ngamadolo, zivule izinqe, ngethemba lokuthi kuzovela indoda. Yilo mhlangano ocatshangelwayo kuphela nowedlulele, noMninimandla onke, ophela njengokuya ocansini kwabesilisa - ngokwehla okulimazayo kwama-androgens kuze kube sezingeni elisemngceleni wokucindezeleka. Kwenza wonke umuntu acabange. Ngenxa yalokho, ama-gay ngokungazi azama ukungcwelisa ubulili bobulili obufanayo, futhi ekuphelelweni kwabo ithemba kuba yinto yenqwaba emnyama. U-Queer theorist kanye nesazi-mlando uMichael Bronski ukhumbule ukuthi amakilabhu e-gay aseSan Francisco ngaphambi kwenkathi ye-AIDS abe "isonto" futhi, kuye, "okumangalisayo futhi okungcwele, ngisho nokungcwele."

Ku-2013, ummeli wobungqingili nomshushisi uDan Savage, okhuliswe njengomKatolika, ekhuluma ngohlelo lukaBill Maher, uthe: “Kulabo abathi amadoda amabili ngeke akwazi ukuzala ingane, ngihlala ngiphendula ukuthi uNkulunkulu akukho okungenzeki. Ngakho-ke, ngizoqhubeka nokungenisa umyeni wami bese ngigcina iminwe yami iwele ”. Naphezu kobunqunu obumangalisayo nobunyonyo, okokuqala ngqa selokhu uRandy Shields ashiya lomhlaba, into eyembula ngokujulile yashiwo yindoda engungqingili ngobungqingili besilisa. USaveva wavele waveza iphutha elikhulu ekuhlolweni kobungqingili: impilo yakhe elimazayo. Esikhundleni sokwamukela leli qiniso, kunokuphindaphindeka okumangazayo kulokho okwake kwabhekwa ngokuthi "izinkambiso ze-heterocentric." Ngisho nangaphambi kwezimbangi zeStonewall, oyiphayona lomzabalazo wamalungelo ezitabane, uKarl Wittmann, ekuguqukeni kwakhe "Isibonakaliso sobungqingili"Ukhiphe isexwayiso esilandelayo:

“Izitabane kufanele ziyeke ukuhlola ukuzethemba kwazo ukuthi zilingisa kangakanani imishado yobungqingili. Abashadikazi bobulili obufanayo bazoba nezinkinga ezifanayo nezalabo abathandanayo, umehluko kuphela wokuthi bazoba yisitoko. Ukukhululeka kwezitabane wukuthi thina uqobo sizonquma ukuthi siphila nobani, esikhundleni sokuhlola ubudlelwano bethu maqondana nabantu abaqondile nezindinganiso zabo. ”

Ngaphansi kokubaluleka kokubhalwa kwabesilisa, kukhululwe ekuphikisweni kwabafazi nezintombi, amadoda angongqingili athambekele ekubambisaneni okuningi nokungabi nathemba, yingakho inani eliphansi umshado wobungqingili (i-9,6%), okwathi ngemuva kwesinqumo sika-Obergefell wenyuka kuphela nge-1,7%, kanye ukugcinwa kokutheleleka nge-HIV phakathi kwamadoda ebudlelwaneni okuthiwa buzinzile. Okunconywe nguWittmann empeleni, kungukungqinela kobudlelwano phakathi kwabesilisa abathandana nobungqingili, abangaqili kakhulu, kepha baxoxisana ubudlelwane obuvulekile. Kodwa-ke, kuvela ukubukeka okufanisa ubungqingili besilisa nobungqingili noma ubungqingili. Akuzenzekeli ukuthi izishoshovu zokuqala zomshado wobungqingili zazingabantu asebekhulile cishe babe ngamadoda acishe abe ngawesilisa noma abesifazane abangongqingili. Isimo sabo sokuya esikhathini ngokungemthetho kanye nokuhlukaniswa okukhulu kwe-lesbianism (yize kuthambekele ekuzimiseleni ngokomzwelo) kuhlukanise izithombe zothando lobudoda besifiso esithandekayo, okuyinto kuma-70's eyethulwa kahle silingisa isigaba sabasebenzi ama-castro clones neqembu labantu baseDolobhaneni. Ngakho-ke, kwavela izithonjana zesitabane ezigcotshwe ngokuphelele nezinamafutha zesimanje, njengoNate Berkus kanye no-Neil Patrick Harris.

Ukuqhuma okungathandeki nokwesabekayo kobungqingili bezitabane kusinde ku-porn kuphela engabekelwe. Kuze kube sekupheleni kwama-1990's, ukulala nge-anal ngaphandle kwekhondomu bekucishe kungathandeki ku-gay porn. Ngemuva kwalokho umthwebuli wezithombe zocansi ozinze eSan Francisco ogama lakhe linguPaul Morris wavuselela izwe eliwohloka lesikhathi sengculaza. Kusukela lapho, iphesenti labesilisa abathandana nobungqingili abahlanganyela kwezocansi njalo ngaphandle kwekhondomu, iyaqhubeka nokukhula.

Ukugubha okuvulekile kocansi olungavikelekile, kanye nokusabela okuhlukile kokugcina, okwaphelela ekuqinisekisweni komshado wobungqingili, kwaqala ukukhunjulwa konya nge-AIDS. Lokhu kube yimpendulo yalabo ababefuna ukubuyela kwi-70, esithombeni esithile sendoda engungqingili eyakhiwe ngabezindaba ebephethe amashumi amabili eminyaka adlule - isithombe somfelikazi ophelile futhi onobuhle. Kepha muva nje, kusungulwe i-paradigm entsha, kanye nokuhlanganiswa okungaqondakali kokuphoqelelwa kwabesilisa abathandana nobungqingili emphakathini we-LGBT ongenangqondo, nowesifazane ongasho lutho njengowakhe ongafinyeleleki - u-Ellen DeGeneres.

Impilo yami kanye nezimpilo zezitabane ezasinda kule nkathi yesikhathi zabonisa amathemba, izinkathazo, kanye nokuwa kokugcina kwaleyo nkathi nakho konke ukuhlolwa kwezitabane. Ngemuva kwakho konke, safika eSan Francisco, eNew York, eLos Angeles noma kwenye indawo ngesimo esifanayo sokulindela: ukuthola umuntu ozomthanda, nokuthi asithandile futhi. Ekuqaleni, izincomo zokuqala eziqinile, ezibandakanya ukusetshenziswa kwamakhondomu, i-nonoxynol-9, kanye namadamu okugcina amazinyo, zabonakala ziyintengo encane ngemuva kweminyaka yokuqala ebuhlungu nesiphithiphithi, lapho sasihlushwa khona ukuthi singubani. Ukugeza esifubeni esisha, umuzwa okhanyayo wokuphefumula kowesilisa entanyeni kwanele ukusithumela ekujabuleni. Ngemuva kwalokho konke kuyashintsha. I-Awe iba isikhashana futhi ibe namandla amancane. Ukuya kubha noma i-disco kufana nokubheka umagazini ofanayo we-porn owawuntshontsha esitolo sendawo lapho useyingane. Lapho impahla usiyithanda iba ukuhlushwa, bese uyilahla. Lobu bubi njengamanje benzeka phakathi kwabo bonke abantu besilisa, izitabane nabobulili obuhlukile, abahlala bekhombisa ukungena ocansini olungenampilo lwe-Intanethi.

Ukwesaba ukuthi injabulo ibonakala isincipha, iningi lamadoda liyakhathazeka futhi imisebenzi yazo iya ngokuya iba budedengu futhi iziphathe kabi. Ngasekupheleni kweminyaka yama-1990, umfana owake wethuka oneminyaka eyishumi nesishiyagalombili wayekwazi ukwenza noma yini. Isikhathi esithile, umbukiso bekungukuzijabulisa okusha okuhlanganisa konke. Ngaphambi kokuvela kwezinhlelo zokusebenza zokuxhumana nabantu, ngangizibonisa kusihlwa kwezentandokazi ekilabhini yendawo yezitabane. Ekuhlulekeni kokugcina, ngishibilikile ngawela esiteji, ngangena emgodini wesidoda kanye namafutha aqhamuka kumculi owedlule. Ngaqala ukuya ocansini emapaki endawo, ezimotweni ezipakiwe, ezindlini zangasese ezithwalwayo ngesikhathi semibhikisho yokuziqhenya kwezitabane. Ngobusuku okwakuzoba okokugcina kimi ukuba yisitabane, ngangikulungele ukubeka engcupheni yonke into okokugcina. Ukufuna kwami ​​ukuqashelwa, uthando, nobudoda kwahlala kungaphelele ngokuphelele. Ngagcina cishe lapho ngaqala khona, ngimi cishe ngesikhathi esifanayo esikhaleni seminyaka eyishumi edlule. Kodwa ngangisesaba. Ngokuqondene nomfana, akazange angishiye. Impilo yezitabane nokulala nabesilisa akuzange kumenze indoda. Ubesabhekile nokuyinto angithathe ngayo. Umzimba wami kuphela owawubhidlika.

Ekuseni kakhulu, njengoba ngangingazi ukuthi ngilandela iklabhu yezocansi, ngakhubeka ngawela emgodini. Ngangihlanza igazi, futhi izikhawu zesisu ezisheshayo zenza ikoloni lami linalutho lokuqukethwe. Ngafinyelela isambatho sami sangaphansi - ngangikhipha igazi ngaphakathi. Impilo yami yayigeleza ivela ezinhlangothini zombili. Lapho, ngombono wami, kunomnyango wokuphakanyiswa, ngagxibha umgwaqo ongaxekile wokufa. Lokhu kwaba ukuhlaziswa kwami ​​kokugcina. Ukube izulu belisho uhlobo oluthile lokufa, futhi isihogo bekungaba ukuphela kwaphakade kwalokhu kushushiswa, bengizokhetha isiqalekiso.

Ngingene eSan Francisco ngema ngezinyawo, kodwa ngiyishiya eseluliwe. Indoda eyangilanda ngalolo suku olubi yayingafani nomuntu engake ngahlangana naye. Wathatha umzimba wami ongaphili waya ekhaya - waya nabazali babazali bami. Lapho, ngavuka egumbini lami lokulala elidala, ngizungezwe izinkumbulo eziningana zobuntwana ezingashintshiwe. Lona kanye lombhede engake ngajabulisa ngawo ukulala kwami ​​kokuqala, manje sengimuncu ngegazi.

Ezinyangeni ezalandelayo bezihlalelwe nochungechunge lwemihlangano nodokotela abahlukahlukene, ochwepheshe nodokotela abahlinzayo. Amahloni nobuhlungu engase ngibalekela isikhathi eside manje bekungangeneki. Ngaphambi kokuhlinzwa, ngaphoqelelwa ukuthi ngicishe ngikhumbuze inqubo efanayo yokuzihlanza engangiyenza ngokungapheli.

Ngesikhathi senqubo, ingxenye ye-rectum yami yasuswa ngenxa yokuba khona kwezibazi ezinzima zangaphakathi. Njengesisulu sokuboshwa kweMarquis de Sade, ama-sphincters ami ayethungwe ngentambo eminyene. Ngabekwa uhlu olude lwe-emollients kanye ne-laxatives, okwadingeka ngiphuze oluningi ukuze ngikwazi ukuhamba kwamathumbu ngembobo emincane kakhulu. Izinyathelo zokuvikela azange zisebenze, futhi ngakhumula umthungo. Ukuvimba ukopha, ngafaka ithawula ezifushaneni zami ngaya egumbini labephuthumayo. Ngenkathi ngincike odongeni lwegumbi lokulinda, phakathi kwezingane ezikhwehlela kanye neziguli esezikhulile ezinesiyezi, igazi laqala ukudabula izikhwanyana.

Emahoreni ambalwa alandelayo, ngilala kwi-gurney eqinile esibhedlela. Ngabiza umhlengikazi, kepha kwakukhona izingxabano nje. Izithandani zentsha ezimbalwa zazilele eceleni kwami ​​ngemuva kwesihenqo esondile: enye yahlushwa amaphilisi okusebenzisa udokotela ngokweqile, kanti elinye lalinenkinga yokutheleleka okukhulu kwezitho zomzimba ngenxa yama-STD asethuthukile. Kwakuyisihlanzo.

Kwakufanele ngiye endlini yangasese, ngishintshele endlini yangasese ngisebenzisa ipasi elihlanzwe kabusha. Ukubuyela embhedeni wami, ngashiya umkhondo wamachashazi abomvu amancane ngemuva kwami. Lesi kwakungesisimo esiphakathi phakathi kwezulu nomhlaba - kwakuyisihogo. Ngifile futhi ngathunyelwa ekuhlushweni okuphakade njengomlingisi ku-bawdy tale - umfana onomgogodla ophukile. Ngathuthumela kakhulu udokotela nabahlengikazi, ngaphuma esibhedlela ngaya ekhaya.

Ezinsukwini ezimbalwa ezilandelayo, angidlanga lutho ngaphandle kwefiganular, eyimpuphu exutshwe namanzi nejusi yeplamu. Ngimi eshawini, ngazimelela ngezinyawo. Angikwazanga ukuhlala noma ukudonsa. Izikhathi eziningana angizange ngibe nesikhathi sokusuka embhedeni wami ngiye ethoyilethi. Imitha nje ukusuka endlini yangasese, ngashona ngawela phansi ngothayela, olwaluvele lushelela kusuka ekubusheni.

Umzimba wami waphola kancane, kepha noma kunjalo, ngaqhubeka nokungcola. Omunye umsebenzi uzolandela, bese kuba omunye. Eminyakeni eminingi kamuva, ngisaqhubeka nokuhlaselwa ukungapheleli okuyingxenye. Ngaphandle kokuphazamiseka, izinhlungu ngezikhathi ezithile kanye namahloni, ngizibona ngibusisekile ngoba ngikwazile ukuphunyula ebungqingweni bengazwisisekanga ngokuqhathaniswa nabangane bami abaningi. Ezinye izibazi zizohlala nami ngisaphila, kepha ngikwazi ukuhlala nazo. Ngandlela thile, ziyisikhumbuzo njalo sokuthi ngangingubani nokuthi uNkulunkulu wangisindisa kuphi. Abanye baphatha amamaki angenakuqhathaniswa wegciwane lesifo sokuzivikela komzimba lomuntu lifihle kuwo wonke amalungu omzimba. Kepha ngokuhamba kweminyaka, izinkinga zami zempilo ziye zaba zimbi. Ngizizwa sengimdala. Labo bangani abambalwa abasindayo lapho bethu bakhona basenkingeni efanayo. Siphelezelana ukuqokelwa udokotela, sithumela amakhadi okuthumela izifiso zokululama kabusha futhi sihlele nemikhuleko yokuphulukana. Ukufuna kwethu uthando kwaphela emaphusheni angagcwalisekanga, izidumbu ezonakele namathuna abafileyo.

Esifiso sethu esingenakunqotshwa sokuqonda umhlaba kanye nathi, sasikulungele ukumelana neMvelo kanye noNkulunkulu uqobo. Asizinakanga izisekelo ze-physiology, futhi ngalokhu kwephula umthetho sikhokha kakhulu, ngokuhlangene futhi ngawodwana. Kule nqubo, sajikijela imizimba yethu namasiko aseduze ngeziphithiphithi. Emzameni omubi wokuzilungisa, sacela umphakathi ukuthi uvume ukuhlubuka kwethu. Kepha umthetho owamiswa ngabantu awukwazanga ukuguqula ukwakheka kwethu ngokomzimba.

Source: UJoseph Sciambra. Ukusinda Izitabane ... Ngokuxakayo. Kufushanisiwe.

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